Dr Tara

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2:11Hello, and welcome to Made by Mamas, the podcast. I'm Zoe Hardman. And I'm Georgia Dayton. And this is your parenting safe space where no conversation is off limits. With five kids between G and I, we have seen a lot.

2:24Georgia Dayton: We really have. Each week, we'll be joined by some famous faces and experts, and we'll chat about the brands and products that have saved us along the way. In short, we're the parenting podcast for you. Before we get started, hit subscribe or follow so you're the first to know when each episode lands. And they're on Tuesdays and Fridays. And it really helps if you leave a rating and a review. You can also find us on Instagram. We're on at Made by Mummers. But for now, George, should we get into it? Right Think of the most fucked up dream That you could ever have about your mother Times it by ten And that is the dream that I had last night I dreamt that my mum had a ten inch penis What?

3:02I know, it was fucking weird It was like, and she was wanging it around the place And saying to everyone, I've got a dick now

3:09Georgia Dayton: I mean, I'd love to get some sort of dream expert on To unpick that Listen, I've been able to look at her Since I've had that dream And I've been with her for breakfast She wanted to have lunch today and I had to say no. I kept looking at her trousers, going at sports day, going, she got a dick in there? Like, it was so weird. What do you think it means? I mean, I really have no idea. And I would love to find out. But I do think it's funny when you have a dream and then you can't shake it off. Like, I have dreams, like James has done something to me, and then I can't be normal. I can't be normal the next day.

3:41Georgia Dayton: Like, I really can't. I just can't let it go. Like, if you have, like, a cheating dream and then you really hate your husband for, like, two or three days. And it's really difficult because it feels so real, even though your brain knows that it's not real, but you can't shake that, like, I don't know, icky feeling. Like, I've dreamt once that Doz left me for the neighbour, the Italian neighbour, Francesca, and I cried the next day with him, saying, like, I dreamt you, and he was like, I don't know whether to comfort you or call the shrink. Like, I'm not leaving you for Francesca the neighbour.

4:11Georgia Dayton: We've never had a dream expert on the podcast. Oh, my God, please, can we? Maybe we need to. maybe that's a whole new thing everyone bring your dreams to us I dream so vividly do you? all the time I used to and I don't think I do anymore unless I don't remember them you're cool as a cucumber you're not processing anything outside when you're asleep you're literally like thank god I know when I was in a deep sleep and when I was in a whatever I was asleep sleep efficiency how is your sleep efficiently going? Top, top, top. Love it. Now, Georgia, a question for you. Out of 10, how uncomfortable were you during this conversation on the podcast today?

4:55Georgia Dayton: 55? Like, honestly, I feel like this week is really throwing at me. I've had sex education at school and now this. I mean, it's a lot for me to, like, deal with. Okay, hands down, this was my favourite ever podcast. In eight years of doing it, today's guest wins. she wins no do you know what all jokes aside I did really enjoy it and I thought it was really funny and there was the funniest moment we've ever had on the podcast and probably any podcast will ever have ever I can't imagine anything topping this moment I've never heard anybody say what she said and we have to get into this conversation because it was too good you need to hear it immediately we're going to caveat this podcast by saying please do not listen to this podcast with your children around you.

5:46Georgia Dayton: Or really out loud. Don't have it in your car but don't stop to get coffee. Don't open the window. Just in your ears, on your own. Just no one around. Parents, kids, anyone. Not because this podcast is anything to be ashamed of. It was absolutely brilliant but this is a sex podcast. This is a connection podcast. This is how to talk to your children about sex. We covered everything, but there are a lot of dildo references in there. And we just don't want your five rods running in the kitchen going, dildo, dildo, dildo. No, there are some serious subjects we do cover. And there are some really useful takeaways as well.

6:26Georgia Dayton: So stay with us. Please stay with us. And please, please, please, I would just like to say that I think sometimes around the topic of sex, people can feel it's either taboo, they might get embarrassed, they don't know how to talk about it. Have this hour to yourself to listen to it, because I swear to God you will come out more educated with a smile on your face and you'll be straight on to crave.com. Georgia, who are we talking to today? We're chatting to Dr. Tara. God, I'm excited for today's episode. It's like all my wet dreams have come true. Joining us on the podcast today, sex and relationship expert.

7:02She is a queen of celebs go dating. It's Dr. Tara. Yes.

7:09Georgia Dayton: Normally we ask our guests what they've been up to this morning and they usually tell us they've done the school run but as you walked in you just said I've just been to a sex airbnb so tell us I'm so excited about this story what have you been up to

7:25Dr. Tara: wow I've just I've had a really long weekend I mean what is it it's Thursday how long did you go for well I was gone to I have so many stories where should I start right so you went to Ibiza I went to Ibiza last Friday I left Friday also Friday night easy jet to Ibiza uh-oh did anyone wet them please remind me to never go on that flight again yeah it is it is I love British people and I love I love this culture but not on that flight on easy jet it's the worst British people if the worst if the worst 50 British people in England in London was on a plane. It was on that flight. You are not the first person to say this.

8:13Dr. Tara: and they were like talking trash and they were smoking. What? They were smoking vape the whole time. No, they didn't get arrested. The stewardess came up to them. She was like, I'm so sorry, guys. Just no smoking, please. I'm so sorry. I'm like, girl, it's your plane. Tell them to get the fuck out. Cuff them. Cuff them. Not the sexual part. Not the one that I like. i've got some in my bag yeah i have these cups come these motherfuckers so you went to ibiza the flight was a disaster but what were you going to ibiza for so i went to ibiza for the orgasmic hypnosis retreat i mean which is what which is training yourself to be able to have multiple orgasms through hypnosis but also training yourself to become a hypnotist to hypnotize someone to have multiple orgasms so it's like both receiving and giving so during sex or could I hypnotize Georgia just bear with me wrong with this story and then she would have four orgasms this is great fun does Georgia have to be having sex no it's orgasms without touching oh my fucking god I had so many people were convulsing I have to show you a video, I'll send you a B-roll to cut into this episode but I mean, people were I'm not as susceptible because I haven't practiced it for so long but at the retreat, there were 18 people and some women there, this is their third time, so they were convulsing like this I was like I want one of those, please what is it, two B combinations I want that one, I want that one and a diet coke but i i was able to come i came i came once but it was like still really intense because it was just words and hypnotizing well so you're all in a room yeah this is incredible and someone's taking you through what what they say so the main teacher his name is david and he's very well known in the sexual wellness space for someone who's a sex positive hypnotist and he's trained by like traditional hypnotherapists around the world right um so he hosts these events actually they're coming to london in august you guys should go i'm you'll be convulsing i'm not busy yeah hold on i'm not sure they're coming to london in august i don't think i could have an orgasm in front of someone i mean there would be one other person but yeah so so he taught us so it was two days long days to like hours first day was theory so it was like the neuroscience of hypno um hypnosis and the processes of the brain processes of hypnosis and then sort of go into steps like five main steps but each step also has like so many different like methodologies within it wow and then at the end of first day it was practicum so like we practicum practicum Yeah, we tried on each other.

11:23Dr. Tara: We have 18 people and the teacher, but we were trying it on each other, and I came. Holy fucking hell. Yeah, yeah. How uncomfortable are you right now? I can feel George's heart. I can hear it in the microphone.

11:38Georgia Dayton: I don't think I'll be going on one of those retreats. What? We get to go to a beef there, and we get to do practicum with each other.

11:44Dr. Tara: Practicum. Yeah. Well, the second day was group practice, so the hypnotist hypnotized all of us, and this is where it was crazy. At the same time. Yeah, yeah. We were all laying on the floor and there's 18 of us. And I mean, people were like screaming, crying, having a crygasm and just convulsing and just like, oh, oh. It was just like touching the nipples. It was intense. Like I was new, right? Yeah. So for me, I was able to feel in my body, but it wasn't like this like out of body experience. But so for so many people, they were having intense multiple orgasms and why would somebody forgive me why would somebody I mean it sounds fun but like why would someone want to do it why are people going on this retreat to become more sexually awakened yeah so the I from what I've observed at this retreat there were two types of people first type were sex ex sex educators sex therapists practitioners or even sex workers like they wanted they're in the industry and they wanted to learn new modalities new tools to explore pleasure in different ways that's not physical yeah the second group of people that i have observed uh have been have been people that don't are not in the industry um but are perhaps struggling with orgasming because it's not only that you hypnotize yourself to have an orgasm but when you do have sex with your partner or partners you become more orgasmic it's easier for you to access so that's the second group of people which a lot of women are from around the world were there for and and again take this on the sort of base level but there were mothers there did you have conversations because i'm one of the things we hear quite a lot made by mamas is that when once you have a child you obviously put yourself to the bottom of the anyway but sexually we are down there under the ground no one's finding us for a while to tell you the truth all women there were mothers like i was the youngest person at that retreat and everyone was mothers and what was the general without giving away too too much privacy reasons but like what was the general feeling from those women was this a really important moment for them to discover themselves against sexual yeah yeah i get a sense i mean we didn't all get to talk in depth but like from the sharing you know like how after the after the episode or after the the workshop we all like sit around and share um i can tell that they have been neglecting their sexual wellness and pleasure and just overall like prioritizing themselves not even just about sex they haven't done that for a while so i can tell that they felt very like liberated like this weekend was just for me and it's just me and it's really nice to observe

14:38Georgia Dayton: yeah which is definitely like something everyone can take away yeah because like zo said i think you know we've been doing this podcast for a long time and time and time again whenever we do a q a especially in relationships it's always like that's like the last thing like i'm the last thing it's like oh my husband really wants to be having sex oh like I you know I can't I don't want to or I haven't got time or I don't feel too tired or I'm tired yeah exactly so yeah there's something there's something in in my experience that females uh you know girls teenage girls when they get to an age where they can have sex we're not taught about pleasure no just women in general we're not taught about pleasure you know I was having this chat with my husband the other day in the kitchen and I was going, you know, we're responsible for two girls and I want to make sure that they have different sexual experiences to the ones I had when I first started out.

15:31Because we're not told that it can be this for you. It can also be this, but it can be this. It's just like all it for me. My experience was it was all about the male.

15:41Dr. Tara: Or don't get pregnant. Or don't get pregnant. Yeah. Yeah. So it's either serving the man or shame. Yeah. Like don't get pregnant. So it's they're both quite negative. right like in terms of empowerment it's not very empowering isn't it because one is just you're just you exist your body exists to serve this person and regardless of how you feel you should be having sex even if you don't want to even if you're tired even but if your husband wants to you should be able to be ready and give it to him right like that's the message for you to be a good life yeah it's for for us as you know it's not about giving it's got to give it to ourselves right as well 100 i think the all the all those like sort of older more traditional narratives are changing um i teach gen z's because my full-time job is a university professor so i teach gen z's and i can tell that gen z um girls are very sexually liberated and are interested in like taking care of themselves first because they even wear this like i have students that wear this t-shirt that she has like she comes first and it's really cool to wear to a university

16:56Georgia Dayton: it's interesting as i was saying to zo earlier like i had the dreaded email last week from my son's school like we're going to be doing sex education and then they list out all the topics that they're going to be covering bearing in mind they're nine most of them at school and it's like if you'd like to talk to your children about sex before the lesson in an age appropriate way then please do so firstly obviously the loads of questions come up like well what's age appropriate like what but they are just learning about how a baby is made when are we then talking about it in like for you know that's not the only time people have sex when they want to make a baby because I think that's like almost like the confusing thing because already like we chatted about it and Axel's like, right, okay.

17:46Georgia Dayton: So every time you have sex, you have a baby. Oh my God, please no. That's what I mean. That would be very expensive. Yeah, exactly. You have to be like, no, no, no, no, no. That's not how it works. And he goes, but then why would you do it? And it's, that's quite difficult to have, to talk about with an eight-year-old. nearly nine-year-old but how like how can we like just make that like a normal topic of conversation

18:14Dr. Tara: yeah so research found that children are typically exposed to sexual ideas by 12 years old so i always recommend parents and particularly moms because moms have a closer sort of um emotional relationship with their children as compared to fathers but with moms i always recommend talking to your children at about 11 or 12 about how sex is for both connection and pleasure connection connection and pleasure and that is a really important conversation to have because whether you like it or not they will get sexual ideas either from the internet from social media from their friends because we don't know who their friends are we don't know like their friends can be on Twitter and accidentally see porn and you just don't know.

19:04Dr. Tara: You can't control that. You literally cannot and research shows and this is really redundant research meaning like they've found this multiple times is that kids are exposed to sexual ideas by 12. Therefore it's really important to have a conversation at 11 or 12. So this conversation it should be two things. One it should be a dialogue not a monologue. So we were taught okay just give a talk to your child like sit them down and give them the talk the birds and the bees right the talk that that means that you're the authority you know best about this topic and that you're just telling them this piece of information they must follow research found that they don't follow like kids don't just take what you tell them to their heart and do it.

19:57Dr. Tara: Like they just don't, right? Like how many times you have to tell them to go brush their teeth? They don't. They don't do it. So just because you have this one talk about sex and like you should use protection, it should be someone you love, they don't listen to it. So research found that the most effective way to have this conversation is actually a dialogue method. So instead of you being the authority and know it all about sex and tell them what to do, you ask them what they already know. Mm-mm. Like, mm. So, have you and your friends started talking about sex? Yeah. Be nonchalant, right? It's not, like, serious.

20:35Dr. Tara: Because kids get so embarrassed. Like, oh, mom, why are you talking to me about this? Right. But has anyone at school started talking about sex? Have you heard people talking about sex? They will say, if you have a close relationship, they will tell you. Like, they'll say, yeah, yeah, like, you know, mm. Like, what's a good British name? James. James. James had this thing on his phone. We don't know what it was. It was, yeah, we talked about it. Like, you know, some of my friends talk about it. Like, let's say they share that, right? Then maybe you ask them, like, well, what about you? Like, what do you know about sex?

21:06Dr. Tara: Like, tell me. It's okay. This is a safe space. Like, I mean, I have them. That's why you're here. And, you know, I just want you to know that I'm a safe space and we can always talk about sex. And this is the most important in reducing teen pregnancy, reducing STDs and STIs, because now children will listen to you because they feel like you're a safe person to come talk to, not to be talked at. So a dialogue is really important. And it starts with a question, not what you know, what they know, what do you already know. Such a great piece of advice.

21:40Georgia Dayton: We'll be right back after this short break.

22:10We'll be right back.

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24:25Welcome back to this episode of Made by Mamas. Now, where were we? But when the questions come when they're younger. so G and I have got kids who are six and seven, boy and a girl and the other night my youngest shouted out the door but how do daddy's love seeds get out of his balls and I just went you sleep well, the fan's on and I just thought oh my god and you know he goes are they in here and he was grabbing his own test scores and I was thinking yeah but I just didn't know I didn't know what to say and it's not like me not to know what to say I like to have a chat but I did think you're only seven so I think it's okay for me to go do you know what we'll have that chat another time because I don't feel I don't know how to talk about it it's educational and it's just information but I still think he's too little

25:12Dr. Tara: you know in comprehensive sex education we recommend talking about anatomy as young as five years old it's okay to talk about anatomy it's okay to talk about like okay here these are called testicles you have them you can even point at them you can even ask like can I touch them I'll show you but you always want to ask right Because you always want children to have agency to say, no, you can't touch me. Fine. That's really important to let children know people can't just hug you. Yes. They should ask to hug you. Yeah. Because then you limit the stranger danger, right? Like if they feel like anyone can touch them, someone comes and kidnap them, it's okay for this strange person to hug me.

25:53Dr. Tara: Got it. I think it's really important to say no one can touch you until you say yes. Yeah. But going back to talking about anatomy, so within comprehensive sex education, we say talk about anatomy as young as five because children will be naturally curious about their own bodies and about the bodies of adults that they observe. And naturally, they will be like, oh, what's this? What's this? How come you have this? I don't have this, right? Like, I remember being, like, a very young girl in a swim class, and I asked, like, a boy, like, why you have a sausage? Why I don't have a sausage, right? yeah like kids are just so naturally innocent and curious and it's adults that put like dirty meaning to it you know what i mean yes it's adults like kids mean nothing they're just like what is this like why why is it why is it this anatomy i get and i've definitely we name it you know we it's vagina and penis in the house but but then do i say daddy's sausage then goes inside

26:50Georgia Dayton: me yeah yeah yeah i know that's the bit i couldn't get to really yeah i think what you can say instead

26:59Dr. Tara: of sausage you can say sorry guys learning on the job when two adults like mommy and daddy when two adults are in love and they're ready to um have this connection they join their genitals and a A lot of times when daddy hits, you know, a pleasurable moment, daddy will release. The love seeds. The love seeds. Because he did catch us, remember when he caught us? And then he, like as in, during he was inside me and I was bent over the bed and Kit was right there and he went, daddy, what are you doing to mommy? And Doz pulled out and he was like, and he went, she's hurt her back. And I went, it's really bad.

27:44and then he cried for three days about it you're back i can't get my head around you but what's wrong you have to go to hospital i was like no it's okay now and then he went but why was he nudie rudy and i was like it's just something that adults do to get a real stretch in the back oh yeah have i traumatized him forever or is it okay no i think it's so nice for kids to

28:06Dr. Tara: at some point to know that their parents are passionate about each other yeah it's hard to be with parents and i mean there's lots of studies on this it's hard to observe and witness parents that are cold yeah yeah that don't have love and affection or passion it's really hard for children they grow become to become very either dismissive or have an insecure attachment style because they've never observed love they've never observed passion like what is it what is it to be affectionate i don't know i have cold parents that's so interesting yeah don't touch don't kiss don't slap on the butt like it's nice to have affection in the house yeah that's true there's that um that wonderful piece of research that they did where it said that men and husband and wives partners who kiss for five seconds every single day are more likely to live for five years longer yeah let's discuss what that does to now it's seven seconds seven seconds great seconds so the physiological responses of it is that when you kiss for seven seconds it is assumed that there is affection and intimacy within a relationship but also when you kiss for seven seconds you you allow the brain to release oxytocin serotonin and dopamine the best cocktail ever better than dirty martini and i love dirty martinis love them but i'd rather if you present to me a hot passionate kiss or a dirty martini i'll probably pick the kiss because you get those cocktails all at once and it um it floods your body and your brain and it floods your brain first and then it goes down into your body and it makes you feel good and with that um oxytocin dopamine and serotonin so oxytocin is is love and connection right like when you do something affectionate it It doesn't have to be sexual, anything affectionate, even like holding hands.

30:04Dr. Tara: I was literally, I wanted to hold George's hands. Yeah, even friends holding hands. I'm joking. Or hugs, just touch. Or dancing together, singing together. Any of those activities, like release oxytocin, which is the love and bonding hormone. And then, of course, dopamine. Dopamine is reward, right? Reward system. That's why people love eating good food, drinking good wine, like dopamine. And then serotonin is happiness, right? Like when people have serotonin dip, they might need to take like medication or cbd or whatever their modality is in order to up their serotonin intake so these three are released during a seven second kiss and that's why you know that important research by gottman it's so cool to talk to a lot of people about it because it's free yeah yeah so you need to buy anything you're talking about affectionate being

30:57Georgia Dayton: affectionate with your partners the other day my son's friend was round and they were playing in the garden my husband and I were in the kitchen and we were having a little kiss in the kitchen and just like a little gig sorry what I mean it happens a couple of seconds maybe now in the kitchen and my son's friend walked in and he went like that and then I thought god like we're only like just having a kiss i felt really embarrassed yeah and then he ran out to axel and said oh my god your mom and dad they're disgusting he was like oh and axel couldn't quite get his head around it because i guess he's always sort of maybe seen but then i thought oh god is that really inappropriate and is he gonna go back and tell his parents that we were being inappropriate and then i was suddenly like oh my god like you know when your mind goes a bit crazy and you're like, God, what is appropriate?

31:53Georgia Dayton: I don't know. I don't know because that obviously wasn't for him. But is that a him problem? It's a him problem. I hope so.

32:01Dr. Tara: Like I always say, it's an issue, not an ish me. It's a him problem. And probably, if I have to take an educated guess, is his household is not super affectionate. And therefore, he has a visceral response to seeing physical affection. Yeah. Yeah, like, ew, gross. You get uncomfortable when you don't observe a lot of pleasure and connection.

32:24Georgia Dayton: Yeah, it was just weird. You know when you're just like, oh, God, I feel really awkward now. And like, I don't know. Yeah, it was just really odd. And it made me second guess. You know, because everything you're saying there is like, oh, kids should see this. And, you know, they should know that that's okay. And that's why your kid is probably like, oh, but it's normal.

32:45Dr. Tara: Like, they do that all the time.

32:47Georgia Dayton: I did get a call from the school when he was about six that he was kissing girls in the playground. That was quite funny. That was free. Why would school call you for a kiss? Because, I don't know, apparently. Like, do you not suppose to kiss? Well, I thought the same. That's a whole other conversation, guys. What did they say?

33:05Dr. Tara: They were like, oh, you're a son.

33:06Georgia Dayton: They just said that him and a girl are kissing in the playground and, like, it's quite inappropriate. Like, it's not allowed? Yeah, but, you know, siblings aren't even allowed to. This is the other thing. like when my daughters started school they're really affectionate with each other and she's like four at the time you know and she'd always go up to him and cuddle him and they would kiss each other and they'd be like no no no you're not allowed oh my god but that's apparently like a thing like as in they can't allow that and this is why it's so i think the messaging is so mixed around affection and what's appropriate because at school they're not allowed to be affectionate

33:44Dr. Tara: with each other which is actually quite sad it's really sad because affection not only is affection so good for you socially because it allows you to bond it's good for you physically like health wise and it's also good for you emotionally to grow like to have emotional growth you have to experience affection that's why a lot of men that this is sort of a jump topic a little bit but i work with a lot of women that are successful women that say like i just can't date and like i can't find a good man all these men i meet are peter pants have you heard of that term oh yeah yeah yeah the ones that can't grow up oh right they're almost like emotionally stuck at 25 yep and they're like 38 now but they're emotionally 25 and theoretically it's partially because they haven't really had role models of healthy love and healthy relationship or affection and makes a lot of sense because there there are a lot of cold parents out there and i would say much more in previous generation not you guys because your generation i think have learned more about like psychology and like child psychology and things like that but you know our parents like people that are now in their 60s, right?

35:04Dr. Tara: Like that generation. I think there were a lot of couples that were cold. Yeah, I mean, I have some friends and they say to me that their father never said, I love you. And they give him handshakes when they see them. And I see it, handshakes. And there's me like fucking cuddling the builder because he needs his dopamine hit. But you know, like I'm making fun of it because it's silly, but it's actually really important. It's like the one thing that we can give our kids is that safety, that security, show them how to love, show them how to be affectionate release all those hormones that they need I remember it coming up so much in the press about David Beckham kissing his kids on the lip and everyone was in uproar about it I kiss my kids on the lips all the time although I had a boyfriend

35:46Georgia Dayton: when I was at school and his mum kissed me on the lips when I went round and I was like fucking hell that was the weirdest thing but he kissed her on the lips and we must have been 15, 16 went round he kissed her on the lips And then she kissed me on the lips and I was literally like dead. Do you kiss your girlfriends on the lips? No. I do. I do. Yeah, I do. Yeah, I do. Depends on how close. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

36:12Dr. Tara: Sometimes, couple of them actually. Yeah. I kissed my friend on the lips last night. I bet you did.

36:19Georgia Dayton: We'll be right back after this short break.

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38:39Dr. Tara: Check with your plan for coverage.

38:44welcome back to this episode of made by mamas now where were we right let's get into the questions yes yeah right loss of sex drive since having two children how to improve it please dr tara

38:55Dr. Tara: that's a really big question and i can do a big answer or i can do a short answer well i want to get through as many as possible so short answer sure okay uh three different ways one is you have to get yourself in the mood, meaning sex drive doesn't just come with having like a hot partner or a connection with a partner. It's like connection with yourself. So this part, what you can do is find a stress regulation method that works for you. Maybe it's taking a bath. Maybe it's eating a good meal. Maybe it's a brownie. Maybe it's taking deep breaths. Maybe it's meditation. But find a stress regulation method that works for you and do that regularly.

39:38Dr. Tara: Do that every day because you cannot even think about sexual desire or drive without first reducing stress stress is a break think of driving a car accelerator and brakes you can't accelerate when your brake is all the way down so you have to first remove the brake by relieving stress then you have room to build your drive so then first relieve stress second building the drive means building affectionate atmosphere in the family, like in the household. So you and your partner, there needs to be like a ritual. It can be seven second kisses. It can be spending 20 minutes without phones and just looking at each other and talking about our days and why we're grateful for each other.

40:21Dr. Tara: It could be sexy check-in. It could be sitting down having a dinner and just check, like, how was our sex life this last month? Sexy check-in. Yeah, it's my favorite. it yeah yeah it's a method that i came up with that i always talk about it's like do monthly sexy check-in and it's chill it's playful it's not serious it's you have dinner and say how do you feel about our sex life this last month like is there anything that i can do more of that you can do more that we can do together like what do you guys what do you think let's make it like a brainstorming session it's playful it's like yeah yeah yeah so have that in the relationship You need affectionate atmosphere.

40:57Dr. Tara: That's not just monotonous and doing tasks and taking care of children and go to work. You need just a moment. And I'm not asking for a lot. Just a moment. That can be 10 minutes. It can be 20 minutes if you can. But you need that moment in your life. You need it every day. And then third, there's a lot of research that, a lot, a whole field of it actually about sexual mindfulness and how it improves sex drives for women significantly. And we're talking about women that have had like cervical cancer that said they couldn't feel anything, yet here they are at a healthy sex drive where they're happy with and they have higher sexual satisfaction through sexual meditation.

41:42Dr. Tara: Sexual meditation is, I think we talked about this before, but sexual meditation is a practice that's within the realm of sexual mindfulness. and there's just a ton of research that shows that it helps when you do it regularly it helps you regulate your mood and your drive and you tend to have a more stable drive overall okay so yeah i mean i have guided sexual meditation on youtube that you can i can send you a link yeah

42:07Georgia Dayton: we'll put that in the show notes let's do it um this is quite niche um any advice since children my husband adores period sex but I hate it telling him hasn't helped what would be the reason for loving period sex no no no it's not you can't this is just about somebody's inside their kink their mind what turns them on it's just like why does anybody have a thing that they're really fucking into yeah I just was interested

42:34Dr. Tara: I mean a lot of it can also be psychologically like because he can come inside and there's no children because she's on period Yeah. Yeah. Cream pies. Cream pies is like top 10 porn search. Sorry. On. Don't laugh. If you laugh, I'm going to go.

42:50Georgia Dayton: There's me like, to my son, don't laugh in sex education. Let's go. Cream pie. Cream pie.

42:56Dr. Tara: I'm on the top 10 search on Pornhub. What's cream pie? In the face? Coming inside.

43:02Georgia Dayton: Yeah. Coming in the vagina. Oh. Yeah. I call it something else. Oh, what do you call it? Come inside me. Never use sex toys. Not sure if they add anything or where to begin. This isn't me speaking. With husband primarily. What? With husband primarily. She wants to use them with her husband. Primarily. Oh, I read that differently. Yeah, okay. So she never used sex toys. Do they add anything?

43:30Dr. Tara: Yes. They add significantly. Significantly. The best position to use a clitoral vibrator with a partner in is using a clitoral vibrator on yourself while receiving his penis in a doggy style. And you get combo orgasm. I mean, talking about flooding your brain with oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin. Lots of dopamine. It's that. You come through clitoral stimulation and vaginal stimulation at the same time. I mean, there's almost nothing better than that. Yes! I'm thinking about it. I'm getting goosebumps. I'm like, ooh. like you know taking it and taking it like so a vibrator on the clit yeah during doggy anyone you love in particular any brands actually someone here is put i mean best sex toys for women that are not too expensive you know so there are two different routes i go for because i teach gen z so i can't be recommending things that are like 120 quid right so with young people i always say just get a simple bullet that doesn't have too many options because it's like you don't actually need those that goes like whoa you just want it to vibrate steadily all the time yeah um so get a simple bullet um when you look for a simple bullet vibrator make sure you get um medical grade silicone people get like itchy itchy vulvas and stuff from from poor quality yeah right so just make sure you're it doesn't matter what brand just make sure that it's silicone gray i mean medical grade silicone uh bullet vibrator however those that are listening that are able to drop 100 quid on like the best and i'm not getting paid for this just fyi this is not a sponsored post like i just i am a huge fan because it's like the dyson of vibrators oh my god i hope i've got I feel like I'm about to go to the top of the class.

45:30Dr. Tara: It's the Dyson of vibrators. It is extremely quiet. You don't hear a thing, which I love because I don't want it to be like, when I'm having penetrative sex and like, I can't do it. I can't do it. This, you don't hear a thing. I used it in the car earlier today. You don't hear a thing. You didn't know.

45:48Georgia Dayton: When you're in traffic on the way here. Yeah.

45:53Dr. Tara: I have it in my back. Wait. I have it in my back. Don't get it out. I have it on my back. Here, no, this is my lip gloss. Oh my God. This is my lipstick. She's actually getting it out. Here. Oh, it's a little...

46:08Georgia Dayton: Oh my actual Christ.

46:10Dr. Tara: What the fuck is that? What is that? It's 18 karat gold plated Dyson vibrator. I'm telling you. It's like... What crap? It's called Crave. Crave? Just Crave. Yeah. The website is love Crave. C-R-A-V-E. Crave. Crave. Yeah. Crave. Yeah. It's so powerful, yet so quiet. And it looks like jewelry. So I have it on my back. Sometimes I wear it as a necklace. Nobody knows. Like Anna Williamson. Yeah. She didn't know I was wearing a vibrator. Put it around your neck. Yeah, yeah. Because it comes with like a gold chain.

46:47Georgia Dayton: There we go. I need to get it. You go on a load.

46:50Dr. Tara: Well, I will. I'm stripping this T-bar out for a crave. Yeah. Wow. I know. Well, that is a first. Like change my life. The kind of clitoral orgasm that like my face is numb. I thought you looked a bit funny when you came in. Yeah. Because I did that in the car. Exactly. Oh, this is really interesting. Can I read this one out? I orgasm really quickly with my partner and then it's too sensitive to continue. That's the thing. Are there any tips for continuing after? I love to do oral, then sex. I'd love to do oral, then sex. So basically, she's essentially asking for tips because she comes quite quickly.

47:25and then afterwards she's too sensitive like you can't have more sex after that right too sensitive

47:32Dr. Tara: it's hard to not feel sensitive after especially if you're someone who's tuned into sensitivity that way so i would say a pragmatic answer would be like give him a hand job yeah get him there yeah do you yeah and also like from for men a lot of a lot of times like pleasure comes from the stroking of the shaft and the head so whether it's like in the vaginal canal or hand or mouth like in the brain it's sort of the same signal yeah and then ejaculation it's the same signal so as long as he ejaculates like he gets all those dopamine serotonin oxytocin yeah then we're good so i would say it's okay rest you're sensitive rest give him a hand job a hand opportunity

48:19Georgia Dayton: A hand, not a job. An opportunity. George? Husband has lower sex drive than me, and I feel rejected. How do we sort this out? And then someone else has put, how to manage my husband with no sex drive. It says he's overwhelmed, but I feel so unwanted, and I'm scared for our future.

48:40Dr. Tara: That's really sad. Yeah. I understand. I was in a long-term relationship like that, where my drive was significantly higher. and I felt rejected, even though he affirmed me so many times how much he loved me and he desires me and he thinks I'm so sexy and pretty, but it just doesn't matter because he's not initiating sex. Yeah, two things. I think, one, you have to have a conversation, the sexy check-in and have a conversation of, like, then what does intimacy then look like for us? We don't have to look like other people. We don't have to have sex three, four times a week or even once a week, but what does it look like for us?

49:16Dr. Tara: Let's get on the same page. I think that's really important. so sexual communication first but secondly i think what's really empowering and hot and potentially gets him in the mood too and lift his self sex drive is mutual masturbation is you feeling comfortable in your body and feeling comfortable coming on your own and like masturbating and have him watch you wow and maybe have him participate by maybe squeezing your breasts playing with your nipples but you just masturbate you take care of yourself and you're so empowered and you he'll love watching you orgasm and I think that will increase his sex drive it's quite a brave thing for somebody to do though as in I'm sure there'll be people listening to this that go yep I can do that and I've done that and you know but then there's there's you know once you take that first step I always think sometimes in our head there's a couple of things we can't discuss right we can never talk about sex we can never talk about money we can never talk about death but they're all there all around us the whole time so let's break that taboo down actually this is your partner this is your your chosen person you should be able to do anything in front of them and they should be able to hold it so i think if you're listening to this and thinking oh my gosh i could never do that you actually can and it is so liberating and so empowering when you do it and it also just makes them feel so you're in control but they're there they're not passengers they're with you on the journey they're on the fucking train with you yeah this is why this podcast is so awesome because you talk about these like taboo things and like things that people don't talk about but you should like money you should talk about oh we do yeah we do we do we do yeah um i just want to do one more thing because i think this will come up a lot and i wonder how many times people in this room have had this conversation with their partner when they're questioning how many times a week do we think that other people have sex so let's all go around and guess how many how many times do you think married couples of 10 years have sex okay so that's me so that's me married couple of 10 years i reckon that they're

51:11Georgia Dayton: having sex uh once a week okay i think it's a lot lower i remember reading something and it was so much lower and it was something like once i don't even know if it was once a month but say

51:25Dr. Tara: let's say once a month okay okay becky once a week mark mark's like for me it's every day Three times a month Three times a month Let's see on average Let's see who's the closest You're the closest So on average Married couples of 10 years Tend to have sex at about once every two weeks

51:49Georgia Dayton: So once in 14 days

51:50Dr. Tara: 14-15 days to have sex So twice a month But research found And this is with a ton of participants So this is a big research finding, research found that the happiest couples that reported the highest level of relationship satisfaction have sex at least once a week. Once a week. So it's putting in the effort and prioritizing. And even though it feels like you have no time, but you make time. And even if it's 20 minutes, like you make the time, but it's once a week. You have to prioritize. 20 minutes seems quite a lot for busy parents. yeah let me bring that down dr sarah like that can be done in 2.10 minutes yeah i have call a nanny for the night have a nanny come over for an hour you have your little ritual maybe take a bath and then have sex for 10 minutes but it is but it is in your expert opinion it is something that we should all be putting more effort and energy into that's what we're saying here you know what's going to happen is when you do put more effort into it and put intention into it and prioritize it, what's going to happen in your life is you're going to feel more connected to your partner, which makes you feel more empowered, which makes you become more effective at work, which makes you become more vibrant as a friend, which makes you more connected to new people and strangers and become a little bit more magnetic to make new connections and network.

53:20Dr. Tara: And it makes you make more money. We know that people, that orgasms make more money. Jesus. yeah it just it makes you have a better life in general so you gotta prioritize it and i understand i mean i don't have kids but i can see all my friends and our moms that it's it's hard to prioritize it but it's it's something that you have to do yeah and i was gonna say as well and

53:44Georgia Dayton: i think if you listen back to the podcast over the years when you've got really really young kids sometimes it's just a little a little phase but it can come back yeah it's really like and it does and I think anyone listening to this who's like oh my god like you know I've got a six month old baby like this is not realistic right now it can be like I think you do you can come out the other side yeah and you were always yeah you were always really brilliant at banging that drum George to say to people like this is a phase this is a moment in your life if you feel like it's disappeared and you're thinking, will it ever come back?

54:18It does. Yeah, and it can. But it does take that first initial step of you and your partner, your person, having those discussions and both of you jumping in together if that's what you want to do. Yeah, exactly. Because for some people, it's not that important.

54:32Georgia Dayton: But if you're both on the same page, I guess that's the right.

54:34Dr. Tara: Right, like, I mean, I know couples that came to my practice, like, for just sex therapy. They're both asexual.

54:41Georgia Dayton: Right. So then there's no problem.

54:43Dr. Tara: No. But society tells them that, oh a healthy couple has sex this many times i'm like yeah but it doesn't matter the research doesn't apply to you because you're asexual yeah and you're together like how lucky to find each other yeah you don't ever have to have sex it's great there are other ways to connect dr tara the best piece of advice that you would give somebody listening to this podcast masturbate as often as you can and there it is guys and products i mean it's i mean it's really true because even like even the um the mom that has a six month old at some point the baby is sleeping even if it's five minutes the baby is sleeping you can run to your bedroom leave the laundry yeah you can run to your bedroom or your bathroom grab your vibrator and give yourself an orgasm in two minutes and that's your gift and that's gonna help you remember what it's like to be a sexual woman and not solely a mother you're a woman yeah you're just a girl i love that um and products i mean you recommended the crave oh but crave is my favorite vibrator it but you know there's different occasions right because i also love clit sucking um oh my god like the lead like the lead is it the lilo you know the one that does that yeah that was a bit weird when i had to test that one out for work.

56:05Not for like, not at work, but we got sent it when I was doing this sex show, and then I just volunteered to be the guinea pig, and it was slightly odd when I had to come back with a review, but I'm not a massive fan. I wouldn't be, that wouldn't be my vibe totally. It's an acquired taste, isn't it? It's like one of those blowfish that sort of goes.

56:20Dr. Tara: I like it, but I think it's because I have trained myself to like different sensations. Right. Yeah. I like that, so I like the rose toy, I like the clit sucking toy, I love the Crave vibrator. I also just love bullet vibrators. I also love, recently I've been exploring with vibrating dildos a bit more. I get a small one just so like I can feel like I can move it around more. It's more agile. These are the ones that you use internally. Yeah, internally I just try to find my own G spot. Because like having sex with a great partner, they can find your G spot. But like finding it yourself is also very empowering.

56:59Dr. Tara: So I've just been trying that as well. Okay. Yeah. That's so interesting. and any particular websites that are like trusted okay i would say i would say go directly to the source so if you are interested in crave what i just pulled out just now so sorry i haven't watched it because i just um that will go down as my favorite every moment on the podcast guys like go to love crave.com if you are interested in bullet vibrators that are simple go to mod M-A-U-D-E mod.com or dame.com Lelo I love Lelo Lelo.com so yeah go directly to the source and get it from them there's a ton of products don't get overwhelmed just pick the simple one if you're new that's it well I think it's safe to say that you have been absolutely wonderful I love the way you speak about it honest and just passionately and it's just more people should be like you so Dr.

57:57Tara thank you so much for coming on the podcast. Loads of takeaways.

58:00Dr. Tara: Yeah. On the phone to Craven as we speak. Thank you. Thank you so much for having me. Big heart.

58:08Georgia Dayton: I still can't get over it. I'm going to Ibiza and I was going to go for a dance for three days, but I reckon I'm heading off to the orgasm hypnosis retreat in the north of the island. It was brilliant, wasn't it? Oh my God, it really was. I mean, like the moment where she got her vibrator out of her bag was unforgettable. And she said she just used it in the car on the way here. We had lots of questions around that. Was she driving? I didn't ask her. Was there a driver? Not sure. She was stuck in traffic. She was 20 minutes late. She was 20 minutes late for the podcast. Explains everything. The thing is, if she was driving, I'd be worried about her overall safety.

58:48Yeah, me too. But if someone else was driving her, she just had an orgasm in front of her driver. Either way, what a fucking legend Dr. Tara is. I love her so much.

58:57Georgia Dayton: Me too. I really do. And do you know what? Like, you know, her job, her day job is a professor. Incredible. Like, because the way that we were brought up to talk about sex and how we, yeah, just in general, especially as women. And now she is the person giving those chats to the, you know, Gen Z's. I really think we are, we're about to switch. Everything will change. The way we feel about it, the way we talk about it. so I think she's doing really great things. Remember at school when old PC Tony came in and said, right, here's a Johnny, put it on a horrible brown floppy banana and that's what we thought.

59:34And that's it. That was it. And now we've got Dr. Tara walking in, being a professional, educating us.

59:39Georgia Dayton: Axel had sex education this week and I said to him, I mean, first of all, I said, you're going to have this topic at school. Do you want to know about it before? Like, what's the deal? He's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. was i gave like a good explanation i wish i'd said i wish i'd heard that i mean probably fucked it up and i also bought a book i said read that um and then this week he had it and i said oh like how was it like what did you learn he was he said well i learned i'm one in a billion and i was like what what do you mean he was like well sperm one in a billion one in a billion and survived that was me oh my god i love it's like bril axel the one takeaway from sex is you not faze the penis enters the vagina not faze women are gonna get periods not for none of that no takeaway wow i'm one in a billion so there we go you've created the best little dude over there george he's just like this guy i'd be all the other guys yeah exactly competitive sex education Brilliant.

1:00:45Brilliant. And that, my friends, is the name of the new Netflix series that me and Georgia are producing. Time to say goodbye. George, well done. Loved that chat. Well done for getting through it. I survived. Yeah.

1:00:54Georgia Dayton: Sweaty. I can't. Sweaty palms. And thank you guys for listening. As always, we'd love you to rate, review, subscribe and please give our podcast a follow. Yeah, and if you've got any feedback on this episode or guests you're desperate to hear from, drop us a DM on Instagram. We're on At Made By Mamas. And we will be back on Friday.

1:01:22We'll be right back.

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