Dr. Tara on Sex, Connection & Long-Term Relationships

0:00Dr. Tara: A BetterHelp ad. Hold on. One second. I just need to...

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1:12Hello and welcome to Made by Mamas the podcast. I'm Zoe Hardman. And I'm Georgia Dayton. And this is your parenting safe space where no conversation is off limits. With five kids between G and I, we have seen a lot. We really have. Each week we'll be joined by some famous faces and experts and we'll chat about the brands and products that have saved us along the way. In short, we're the parenting podcast for you. Before we get started, hit subscribe or follow so you're the first to know when each episode lands. And they're on Tuesdays and Fridays. And it really helps if you leave a rating and a review.

1:45You can also find us on Instagram. We're on at Made By Mum is. But for now, George, should we get into it?

1:54Never, ever, ever have I been more excited to get into today's conversation. A returning guest to the podcast, somebody who absolutely blew us away. The last time she came on, the last time she was a guest on our live show, the whole 200 people that were in the audience were completely captivated by today's guest. Let's just get into it. Welcome back, Dr. Tara. Hello.

2:18Dr. Tara: How are you, Zoe? Hello, mamas. Ready to talk about sex? So ready. Except for my mum's here and her phone's going off. Hi, mum. Could you turn your phone off, please? I did. There we go. So my mum's watching today's podcast. She's going to be sitting here. And actually, she's probably the reason that I am so liberal in terms of the conversations that I have. with my friends, with my kids, because I grew up in a household where sex was spoken about very freely. And what a blessing. I love that. You know, there's research that shows families that have a conversational orientation towards family sex communication tend to raise much more confident young adults than family who have conformity orientations.

3:09Dr. Tara: so conformity just means like you know you talk to your child one way and you just go never have sex you're going to get pregnant like basically not having a conversation and then the other types of family is where conversations are welcomed it's not like you guys have to talk about sex all the time but it's welcomed and it's open the atmosphere in the household is open research shows that they are significantly better adjusted as adults they have much better relationships They have a much better sex life and relationship with their own bodies. So it's very important to grow up in families where sex is a conversation.

3:48Why do we have such a problem about talking about sex, finances and death? What the hell? I mean, three of the things are probably pretty much the most important things in our world we can't discuss.

4:00Dr. Tara: Three things that definitely happen to humans, right? Exactly. Yeah, or that we engage in. Yeah. So similarly to money, it's a taboo. Sex is a taboo topic similarly to money because sex is something that people think families or couples should discuss in private. And the reason for it being so hard for people who have sex issues to even speak up because they are so full of shame is due to the fact that no one talks about it publicly. So it's a little like a snake that eats its own tail, right? We say, oh, it's a private thing. Don't speak about it in public. Then we feel ashamed and shameful in our own little head, in our own little world, in our own relationship.

4:47Dr. Tara: So nothing gets solved until it becomes publicly recognized and say, you know what? Here are some of the top 10 sex issues that people have around the world. You are normal. You are okay. Here's a list of things that you can do. right like that's what I try to do yeah because I've got I've got to say this and I've said this so many times to people that I chat to about you I really am so impressed by everything that you do because you really are one of the like one of the people who is is exposing but lifting the lid and taking the shame away and it's not a taboo and let's fucking talk about it because I really I like I just feel like more people should listen to you but also understand that you're you're genuinely you are a sex professor this is what you have studied this is what you've trained in and you are you have a reason for doing this right not just because you love to have sex but I know you do as well yes that too you're doing it to help people exactly uh so a little bit about my background I don't know if we ever talked about it I don't think we did so I'm originally from Thailand have you been to Thailand yeah I went traveling there I spent three months there I loved it three months yeah that's so long yeah it was really you probably have been to more places in thailand probably not i was on the islands i went to bangkok and i went to chiang mai oh i love that yeah so i'm from bangkok and if anyone knows anything about thailand thailand is majority a buddhist country and buddhism is very much a religion that shies away from sexuality and talking about sex and also like women or like female matters so i grew up in an environment that is very, very religious.

6:28Dr. Tara: My parents would go to the temple a few times a week. We would wake up and pray every day. And I still do. Like, I still pray. I tell people, you can love both. You can love sex and you can love God. It's okay. The two can exist together. The two can exist together. You can have pleasure and you can pray. And that's what I do. But that's the dichotomy of me growing up was it was so, so religious. My family, unlike your mom or your family, like we never talked about anything about dating relationships sex it was very hush hush and my parents would go beyond to even like if there's a sex scene in a movie that we're all watching at home they will fast forward it because they didn't want me to see it yeah okay so it was a lot of shame based messages around sex even though they didn't mean to you know they're great people they loved me so much and I grew up in a very loving household but at the same time you have to accept the limitations that your parents have the same way as you know a lot of you listening and watching and you too are parents like you will have a limitation that your kid will then find out when they're adults and say you know what there was this one thing that my mom did that you know somehow scarred me for a little uh you know not too much but that's just life like you can't be perfect no one's perfect and I have grown to accept my parents limitation particularly with my mom right like she was the one that to me supposed to have this like close relationship with me and talk me through dating and sex and pleasure and taking care of my body and and telling me that my pleasure is important right and not just like please men all the time but I grow up to accept her limitation and love her for who she is so that's the environment I grew up in and that's why you When I started going to graduate school, studying human relationships, I became so passionate about helping other people who perhaps were like me, did not have access to a mom or an auntie or a sister that can talk them through it.

8:34Dr. Tara: I can be that person for them. I can be their auntie or their sister that talk them through sexual empowerment. Which is what we're talking about. As women, you can care about your own pleasure. You can say no if you don't want to. You don't have to feel like you only exist to please men. Like these things that are the things that I'm so passionate about in helping women understand and assume an empowering role in their own relationship. And this is my big issue with the way that we are in the UK, the way that we are taught about sex, especially in schools. I don't know what it's like now, but when I was at school, it was a policeman came in and there was a banana and we had to try and put the condom on the banana and their messaging was don't get pregnant it wasn't you know let's talk about the experiences that you can have let's talk about consent let's talk about respect let's talk about the men taking the boys taking responsibility no no it was here's a banana here's a condom bag it up you know and you don't have sex you know it was just it was a bonkers way of looking at it but really when you start, excuse the pun, peeling away.

9:45Really, we're not even taught about pleasure. As young women, we are not taught about pleasure. Men, they will have sex, they will come, and that will be the end of it. As women, I didn't have my first orgasm until I was 21 years old. I did not, I was faking it for however long. I won't give you the number. Whoops, mom's here. Exactly, mom's in the audience.

10:02Dr. Tara: I feel you. I was faking it throughout my 20s, actually. I didn't have one until I was closer to my 30s. Wow. Yeah, a long time, even though I was studying relationships and sexual satisfaction and all that. You know, I recently read a really interesting sex statistic. Go for it. About the UK. So almost 80 % of people reported that they have never received any sex education regarding female pleasure no that doesn't surprise me at all so 80 it's ridiculous right so women well girls right grow to be women grow up to be women that have never been taught or had anyone talk to them about their pleasure being something that matters their orgasms being something that matters so no wonder there is this epidemic of sexless marriages and sexless relationships.

11:04Dr. Tara: Here's the thing, if you've never had great sex with your partner, you can still love them dearly and have a wonderful family but if you've never had orgasmic pleasurable sex with your partner because you've been faking it because all your life you've been taught that sex is about men, then you're not gonna want to initiate sex then you're gonna hit the wall at some point in your marriage and you might blame other things you might blame stress you might blame work you might blame having children in the household you might blame you know hormones or whatever but if we really fix all those things and peel the layer we might find one of the true reasons why women don't initiate sex as much is because it hasn't really been pleasurable for them.

11:51Dr. Tara: Why would you do something that's not fun and pleasurable? I mean, why would you go back to the same restaurant that you had a mediocre dinner at? Depends on what the hors d 'oeuvres look like. Exactly. So if you've had good food, you would go back to the same place all the time. Yeah. And you would enjoy it. Yeah. If you haven't had good food, you might have to go back a few times or you would never go again so does the conversation also have to start with our young men then because this is something that i'm also really passionate about i think that it's not just or it shouldn't just be left up to us as women to you know um be the ones that are informed with things but not the ones that are given you know the spicy sauce on the side it's like you know yes we know how to look after ourselves our body we're talking about contraception not getting pregnant absolutely but put that to the side over there let's talk about pleasure and I just think it's quite a strange place for, I don't blame them but for young men to come into it thinking oh it's alright because I've got my rocks off so it doesn't really matter about them that was my experience I'm not saying that looks like for everybody but actually I don't think it's on their agenda either it's not is that what you have heard?

13:04Dr. Tara: absolutely yeah based on my private practice as well as just my research based on sex education around the world is it's also not their fault. No, no, it's not. Because they were not taught either. They were not taught or anyone around them talked about how they should pleasure women and that there are different ways to pleasure women and that women take time. And women also need to feel respected, loved. There needs to be emotional closeness. There's a lot of factors that go into an orgasmic experience for women, which a lot of men, their minds are blown. Every time I talk at a men's retreat or a men's convention, I talk about how women need these things in order to have the desire to even initiate sex with them.

14:02Dr. Tara: They go, what? Like, what if I can last a really long time? What if my erection is really hard and firm? Like, that's the least of our concern. Good for you. Yeah. Happy for you. Really genuinely happy for you, but... Like, what the hell? Yeah, wow. Yeah. That's interesting. The gap of knowledge between what women need in order to have a good sex life and what men know is a large gap. I can imagine. Yeah. And there are men who I call them like the awakened men. Yes. Who have been reaching out and looking for resources to expose themselves to in order to learn more. So these are the people that, you know, read sexuality books.

14:55Dr. Tara: They read articles. They may watch something instructional. They may listen to podcasts that women talk about pleasure and learn more. So there are these men that reach out in order to become better lovers, better partners. But then there's also a lot of other men that perhaps maybe they don't have bad intentions. So maybe they're just really busy and never thought about how important it is for women, for them to learn and level up and upgrade their skills and knowledge when it comes to sexuality and just connection. So, yeah, there's a big gap. The answer to all of these things is obviously the first step is adult sex education.

15:37Dr. Tara: Because, you know, everyone listening, we're not children. Like we're not in high school. We're adults. yet there's still a lot of people that go oh like I don't need this I don't need a sex education I'm an adult I know how to do it I've done this for 10 20 years now yeah which makes me think do they do they not need to know do they not want to know do they not know how to know so like you know I I put a lot of the issues and you'll tell me because you're the professor but the connection part between a couple or two people that meet is so vital for pleasure and I know a lot of people listening you know that their mothers they've got kids running around the place they have jobs to do they have everybody to feed apart from themselves and that let and then you know the longer it goes on the deeper the connection fades and suddenly you're left with two vessels just floating along an ocean not near each other and how do we start building that back up how do we start reconnecting when we think about reconnecting there are a few prerequisites that i want to talk about because sometimes i'll give advice but it's not something that certain couples can do okay so some of the prerequisites are one your relationship has to be in a good state in general yeah because if it's not fixing sex isn't something that you should do first and you know that comes from a sexuality expert right someone that very much cares about good sex and exploring sexually no no no if your relationship in general lacks respect emotional connection communication open-mindedness and curiosity these are the things that you want to actually work on first before even trying to spice things up in the bedroom because these are the prerequisites to having a good sex life good sex life doesn't just come out of nowhere and doesn't just come from coming yeah it comes from a good state in a relationship so that's first and a good state It definitely comes from taking care of each other, focusing on each other, having a conversation, checking in, right?

17:55Dr. Tara: Like, how are you doing, babe? Is there anything you need from me? Like, is there anything else I can do for you? Service mindset, right, to each other. Then we can talk about spicing things up or reconnecting sexually. The very first thing to do to reconnect sexually is to expose yourself to sex-related content. Okay. I don't mean porn. No, just to clarify. Yeah. I mean, sex-related conversations. This can be anything from podcasts like this episode. You can check out my podcast, Love Bites. It can be audio books. It can be articles. It can be music. It can be like sexual meditation tracks. Basically, exposing yourself to ideas and talks and conversations that's about sex because that's going to trigger your brain and your brain is the biggest sex organ.

18:50Wow.

18:50Dr. Tara: That's going to trigger your brain to start thinking about sex and sexuality and pleasure and then it will naturally come up in conversations with your partner. Like if we talk about like, let's say three new sex tricks today. Oh, we role play. Let's role play. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If we talk about three new sex tricks today, like you definitely, one of these days, mention it to your husband at dinner, right? Like on a date night, you might be like, okay the other day we talked about this like have you ever heard about it so it just kind of automatically become a topic of discussion at whatever dinner dates right that allows couples to start first step of reconnecting aka conversation do you want to role play a bit she's picked that up okay i'm the husband you're you okay um we're just gonna have the conversation right yeah we're gonna have the conversation right so you've heard something we haven't had sex for a while yeah let's talk about it how would you bring it up yeah so i'm gonna go what's your name uh i can be dave

19:59Dr. Tara: the most generic white man name ever i thought you're gonna be like zig or something i'll be zig i'm zig no you're dave I've worked with that I could work with that so okay so this is like I had a day out maybe I listened to like a podcast in the car and you know I came back and we're sitting down kind of winding down and I go I go hey babe have you heard sorry I thought you were going to call me Dave hey babe hey Dave how was your day did you do anything fun today Not really. I was just at work all day and I'm pretty knackered, to be honest. Are you all right? Yeah, yeah. I mean, I had a pretty far drive today.

20:45Dr. Tara: Traffic was pretty awful. But I was listening to this really funny podcast in the car. And I'd love to ask you about something because I never really thought about it before. And I wonder if, you know, like, obviously, we've been together for a while. But before me, you probably have other experiences. So I just wonder if you've had any of these kind of experiences. Was it a podcast about football? Close. It was a podcast about sex. Oh, well, what are you saying? Because I think our sex life is really great. Why would you be listening to a podcast about sex? Just for fun. Like, I just think it's fun.

21:19Dr. Tara: It's fun to listen to about, you know, topics that, something that people around the world do that we do all the time. And I do agree. We do have great sex. So there's that fist bump. And that takes, like, effort from both of us. But here's what I've heard. You want to hear? Yeah. Okay. Am I still Dave or can I step out of the role play now? Oh, God, I'm still Dave. Okay. So I heard that when partners have sex, docky style, women can have a combo orgasm if she or if he helps her uses a vibrator on her clitoris. Babe, I'm sure that I've done that to you already. No, we haven't tried that. I mean, you played with me manually.

22:05Dr. Tara: Right. But it takes a lot of effort, right? It takes a lot of concentration. I feel like I just want to feel you wholly and completely just through, you know, our skin on skin connection. So why not, like, maybe potentially try, like, a tool to make it so that I can experience a combo orgasm? I'll tell you what. Let's get the kids to bed and we'll get straight upstairs. I'm in. Yay! Right, and that. They're so receptive. And that, my friends, is a role play over for the day. Yeah. We'll be right back after this short break.

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24:05Welcome back to this episode of Made by Mamas. Now, where were we? Do you know what? I know what you're saying. And I think when you set it out like that, Tara, it's really beautiful. I worry, and I'm speaking from experience in some respects, that with the kids and the life and the tiredness and the feeling of lack of connection, there is this really, really deep void of kind of real sexual yearning and desire. and I hear it so much with friends and people messaging us on the podcast and stuff that people haven't had sex for months and months on end or they're not enjoying it or it's always the last thing that they think about and it's really really sad like some people may listen to this podcast and say it's not it's not high on my agenda we're really happy with where we are and that's fine I would say to you if that's what you desire and choose great but for those people who feel sexually frustrated and that can't open up that conversation there's defensiveness from partners you know there's a lack of desire and and want from you know the the tired mom you know what what how what what what and how yeah we've got to make a change we're going to make a change

25:11Dr. Tara: driving couples apart yeah the very first step is to read my book yeah and this is not a self-promo but I think most people have never read about sex they've never read about what are my options what else should i know what are some non-traditional or maybe even non-penetrative sexual activities that we can try what are some unique ways to bring back the connection that we used to have or and i'm not saying you should think about sex as in like oh it needs to be the same as when you met because that's so unrealistic and no one ever gets that back it's about moving forward best way possible because sex in long-term relationship can even can be even better than your first year of your relationship trust me there's lots of research on it once couples work on themselves and with each other they have a much better sex life than even when they first met so it is possible but the reason why i said my book is here's why uh in the book, I talk about erotic solutions.

26:19Dr. Tara: Okay, so actually, at first, the first chapter in the book, I talk about what is your sexual profile. So a sex personality test. Once you take the sex personality test, both of you can, then you can see where the discrepancy is. Where are you different? And where can be the cause of friction in your sex life between the two of you? Some people hate that their partner initiates sex a certain way. Like it makes, it gives them the ick, even though they've been together like 10 years, right? But some people say, oh, their partner doesn't care enough about foreplay. Some people say their partner doesn't care enough about themselves and, you know, only try to pleasure me, but I also want them to feel pleasure.

27:01Dr. Tara: Like there's so many different types of issues. So complicated. Yeah, so first off, take the quiz on chapter one. Know what your sex profile is. Talk about it amongst each other. The book also talks about what to do when there's a mismatch of your sex personalities. Right. Then you go into what are my erotic solutions. I have, for example, I have recommended couples who felt the void and a bit of that sexual frustration to devote their certain nights and certain amount of time to each other just for the one person at a time. Oh, interesting. Yes, because what we crave is just being husband and wife, right?

27:45Dr. Tara: Like especially for people that have kids. You are parents all the time, 24-7. Sometimes you just crave being husband and wife or maybe even boyfriend-girlfriend. Yeah, or girlfriend-girlfriend. Yeah, or girlfriend-girlfriend. Yeah, or boyfriend-boyfriend. Like just a hottie like when we're just dating and there's only us. There's no kiddos. It's just us. Yeah. And in that, when you're dating and when it's just you, there is this sense of devotion to your partner that might be missing when you become parents. Because you're now devoted to your children. And that devotion can come in the act of non-traditional sexual practices.

28:28Dr. Tara: The first one that I'm going to say might sound controversial, but great for all couples. It doesn't sound like Tara to be controversial, so give it to me. Great for all couples. I have done this many, I've recommended this many times. It has worked for all couples, is to have a penis worshipping or pussy worshipping session. Sorry, if Georgia was here, she would have laughed, so I'm just going to laugh. Did you say penis worshipping? Yeah. And pussy worshipping? Yes. Right. Just talk me through that. So. Sorry, I'm just going to laugh again. Okay, go. Sometimes the apprehension of sex comes with the fact that it has to be two people and it has to be penetration.

29:13Dr. Tara: Right. Some women are just over it. They don't necessarily want the penetration. They don't necessarily want the missionary sex. They don't want the same kind of sex they've been having for 10 years. Right. So what this can look like is you taking turns being the king or the queen of the night. and then engage in what I call like the pussy worshipping session or penis. So let's go with pussy worshipping session first. What will happen is the woman is the queen of the night, right? And you don't have, I know people have kids and don't have hours and hours to do this. You can literally just allocate 30 minutes.

29:52Dr. Tara: We'll cut that in half, 15 I think. Yeah, okay. Too tired for 30. 20 minutes. Yes, 20 minutes. Okay, great. At the night where your person, man, woman, whatever, is devoted to you and pleasuring your vulva. Wow. And that can include setting up the scene. So they will go upstairs. They will light candles, make sure the sheets are nice, make sure the room smells good. You will then be invited to come upstairs. They will take your clothes off. They will first give you like a quick hands-on massage of your body with warm oil for five minutes. Then they will spend the next 15 minutes the entire time pleasuring your whole vulva.

30:36Dr. Tara: And it might end with a toy session in order to help you orgasm clitorally. You have an orgasm. They watch you have a glorious orgasm. Done for the day. They're worshipping your pussy, your vulva. Extra bonus points. I'm in, I'm sold. Extra bonus points if they also give verbal compliments or verbal affirmations to you and your vulva. So they can say things like, you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. I love your vulva. I worship your vagina. I worship you. I'm so lucky to be with you. They can also give you affirmations while massaging your vulva and then using a toy on you until your orgasm.

31:21Dr. Tara: that's gonna connect you like that will connect you I don't care what anybody says like if the person the partner is willing to do that for you yes and if you're willing to receive and just receive that will provide connection well I'm firstly I've never heard that before and I'm I'm already sold on it so where do I sign secondly I know that lots of people listening to this will be thinking we've got young kids in the house they'll be running around the door will be opening you know I've got a young baby six month old let's save that for a moment where it's just you and your partner and maybe you've gone away for the night or your kids are being looked after and you've got some time just the two of you because I know the so I can imagine that because I was suddenly thinking oh god what would I have done if my kids were a lot younger and they were constantly opening the door so yes that's not for then but I think it's a really important practice And I would really encourage women to allow themselves to feel seen, not just by your children.

32:20You are not just the cook, the cleaner, the washerwoman, you know, providing for everybody else. Let's think about what you really need and what you deserve. And that took me a long time to step back into that space after I had my kids. You know, I looked at my breasts. I thought they were just milking machines. I didn't like the way they looked. I thought my vagina was all messed up because it had been torn and cut. And, you know, it took me a long time to stand back into my body and feel sexy again. So if you're not there on your journey listening to this, you will get there. But it does have to take a conscious effort to step back into a sexual space.

32:53And that is also scary. You have to be brave. Yeah. You have to be brave.

32:58Dr. Tara: Yes, absolutely. You have to be brave to accept you are a sexy bitch. Get a T-shirt printed saying I'm a sexy bitch. Yeah, exactly. Oh, my God. Maybe Made by Mamas should make that merch. Oh, my God. Yeah. Dr. Tara says you're a sexy bitch. You are a sexy bitch. It's also my favorite drink when I used to drink alcohol. Do you not drink alcohol anymore? Not at the moment. I'm taking like a year off. Oh, brilliant. That's a podcast for another time. Yes. But I love what you just shared. I have worked with quite a few women that had body image issues postnatal and it runs deep oh yeah yeah it runs deep and you don't really get over the trauma of what you see when you have had you know postnatally for me anyway it took such a long time and lots of work I remember touching myself in the shower just to see if everything was still there and I just remember thinking my vagina feels like an elephant's trunk let's laugh because it was just so big and so swollen and so ripped and so horrible and I was thinking it's never going to look the same again and it does and now it looks the same again and I'm eight years postpartum so it does come back but it is frightening and you think oh god will anybody want firstly will I want to touch myself again and secondly will anybody want to touch me again and that also does take a lot of work the vagina is so resilient though it's like the most resilient part of your body yeah yeah what you just said, like, oh, like, will I ever want to touch myself again?

34:34Dr. Tara: Or will someone ever want to touch me again? I would love to touch on that, please. I think self pleasure is one of the most important practices ever for women. So we should start there. Yeah, 40 minutes into the podcast. Yeah, we should definitely start there. Yeah, you're a big drum banger for it, aren't you? Yeah, because it's so hard to get into the mood, feel the sensations in your body with your partner when you haven't done that for yourself. Yeah, it's almost like you're enjoying cooking your own food and eating your own food first and nourishing yourself before you can enjoy how other people can do it for you.

35:14I know for a fact that before I had a mindful self-pleasure practice, I wasn't having a lot of orgasms at all. But now that I have a regular mindful self-pleasure practice or routine, not necessarily a routine, a ritual, I orgasm every single time.

35:36Dr. Tara: And orgasming is important because it tells your brain. Because what happens when you orgasm is not necessarily a body thing. It's a brain thing. And what happens is you tell your brain that whenever you engage in a sexual activity, you get a reward. And if you engage in activities, sexual activities, and you don't get a reward, then your brain will go, oh, don't do it again. You're not getting a reward. It's almost like when you eat food that makes you sick, you don't want it again, right? Your brain is telling you, oh, don't do that again. It's not good for you. You're not getting a reward. So that's why orgasms are important.

36:13Dr. Tara: I know that there are sex therapists out there that say like, you know, sometimes you just want to like hug each other. Like it's okay. Like you don't need an orgasm. I agree you don't need an orgasm all the time. But I do think it is quite important to help your partner understand how to give you an orgasm. And also help yourself understand how you give yourself an orgasm. Because then your brain goes, oh, this activity is rewarding. Let's do it again sometime. Yeah, because if you're just, you know, having sex with your partner. then you're like great because it's obviously skin on skin and it gives you that sort of healing you're connecting I do feel that I do think that sometimes the physical touch obviously that does do to do a lot of the healing but if we dive into it a bit more if you're not having that orgasm at the end of it you're just going to be like oh well that was really nice but can we watch traitors now exactly because obviously he orgasmed but not you yeah so There's that discrepancy, which is not great for long-term relationships.

37:10Dr. Tara: We'll be right back after this short break.

37:16Hannah, I just Venmo'd you for dinner. Obsessed. I'm spending it right now on the lip gloss that's been sitting in my cart. What do you mean spending it right now? You can instantly spend your balance with the Venmo debit card or when you pay with Venmo at checkout. Stop. Say more. More exactly. The more you do with Venmo, the more you get. like earning up to 5 % cash back with Venmo Stash. Get the Venmo debit card or checkout online. Venmo Stash bundle terms and exclusions apply. Max$100 per month. See terms at venmo.me slash stash terms. Venmo checkout not available at all merchants. The Venmo MasterCard is issued by the Bancorp Bank N.A.

37:55Hey there, Tired Mub. Are you ready for a hilarious escape? We know you've got some wild stories, the kind you wouldn't share at a playdate. I'm Safina. And I'm Emma. And welcome to the secret mum club where no story is too outrageous. Like the time a mum transformed her baby into a tiny fake tan superstar. Or when another mum's spa day turned into a dairy disaster. We embrace the chaos of motherhood with open arms and open ears. Tune in to the secret mum club. Listen now wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome back to this episode of Made by Mamas. Now where were we? how does a couple recover from let's say there's been an injury in the marriage the mistrust is there and they're rebuilding does it start with sex or does the sex come once the once the trust

38:44Dr. Tara: has been rebuilt i think it starts with touch right i think it starts with touch exercise so a lot of couples that have had conflicts big or small maybe a bunch of small conflicts like paper cuts and they just keep getting little paper cuts until they're bleeding or it's a huge conflict a huge transgression of some sort what they are experiencing is touch starvation so they are touch starved affection starved they're not necessarily sex star right so safe touching and loving touch and affectionate touch the most important thing to restart um so practices like you know no sex naked cuddling session maybe even like a devoted massage session um a hairbrush or hair washing ritual like washing hair for your partner these yeah these little things they are great activities to help rebuild that trust in touching each other yeah because sometimes when there's a big conflict of fight and argument or a transgression and your partner tries to touch you your body just jolts you know you're like that's like the least i want at the moment right like you sometimes you can't even bear it no exactly yeah you need to rewire the nervous system to say that this person is safe again.

40:26Dr. Tara: And that starts with little loving touch exercise. If you're looking at your partner and thinking, I just do not fancy that person any longer, can that come back? Yes, with a lot of work. I have also helped quite a few couples get a divorce. what right let's dive into that because of that okay so not only that they don't find each other attractive anymore and we're not only speaking about physical attraction here we're talking about i'm just not attracted to this person at all because we have grown apart we are different people now and the kind of difference isn't the kind of difference that i like not the kind of difference I see in the future for me so when people accept that and they want to work towards an amicable divorce I have worked with them through that because sometimes there isn't going back or that going back isn't necessarily the best thing for the person I think we live in a society where there's still stigma and divorce and therefore staying together is the honorable thing to do right that's why people go oh my god how long have you been together oh my god 40 years oh my god what's the secret like what if they have been together 40 years but so miserable is that still success no exactly of course it's not so we need to rewire ourselves i think to think that sometimes fulfilling happy relationships can be short and that's the hard truth isn't it yeah it's really hard to hear you say that and i think when you chuck kids into the mix as well there is this um feeling of this unbreakable tie we must stay together at all costs we have to keep the unit together but actually prioritizing yourself your well-being your happiness your physical connection it's more important because you're happy the kids are happy they're happy the kids are happy but it takes like you said especially in the uk i think we're sort of historically you look at our parents generations their parents generation they didn't get divorced they stayed together forever right but what injuries were they causing along the way oh so many and you're absolutely right because um when you look into research of adult children who had divorced parents all of them would have said that yeah I would I would prefer my parents getting a divorce and being happy rather than being together and being miserable and creating that atmosphere in the household as an adult now I'd rather my parents get a divorce and And go on with their life and get passionate partners again.

43:08Dr. Tara: And have that life and enjoy it. Like live to the fullest. I think you forget that in order to raise children. And I speak about this. Not as someone who is a mother. But as someone who has read a ton of research in child psychology. I think a lot of children can grow up in a very healthy manner and become a very well-adjusted young adult when their parents have their cups filled. Not when they're running very low all the time because they hate each other and they are forced to be in the same household. Being together isn't a prerequisite to have healthy children. Right. Interesting. Not at all.

43:58Dr. Tara: And if you actually read into research and if you don't love reading long papers, you can even ask ChatDP to give you a summary of like, what do children think about divorce? What's better for well-adjusted children? They will tell you so many papers, so many research papers will tell you that it's better to not meet together. If you get to that point where you are so different, there is no reconciliation. Yeah, that's thank you for sharing that because that's that's that's such an important part of the puzzle as well. You know, if you feel like you've done everything and you've tried everything and, you know, it's just not going away.

44:34Listen to Dr. Tara's advice. We have a question for you.

44:37Dr. Tara: Is counselling accepted here? Yes. Yeah, absolutely. It's actually not spoken about huge. I speak about on the podcast because I had three years doing counselling with my husband. But I don't hear many people talk about it. I know it's a bit more in the States. Everybody has a counsellor, right? But what about in Thailand? I mean it's I think it's still very much a taboo in both countries like both America and Thailand yeah Thailand very taboo but in America yeah like even my friends like they go they go like quietly they don't ever talk about it or they don't actually want to share or they feel like a bit embarrassed to share that they go see a couples counselor we had my my lovely couples counselor on the podcast Michael Preston and I met him for the first time obviously we'd been doing it on zoom for three years he walked through the door and i just burst into tears and hugged him like he was like it was like a long lost brother you know because he's he saved our marriage yeah he saved our marriage um let's talk quickly before we say goodbye i want to know could you please impart one piece of advice to leave our listeners with today to help them reconnect find this find their sexual self again and generally just feel happier i don't want to be i don't want to sound like a broken record but self-pleasure get your dildos out ladies having I would say having a few really good vibrators and having a mindful self-pleasure ritual for yourself taking care of your own body taking care of your own pleasure feeling empowered in your own body giving yourself pleasure is extremely important for women regardless of where you are in life you could be in your 20s you could be in your 60s i gave my mom her first vibrator like she is so happy any ideas because carol's looking around the corner my mom's looking around the corner i'll give carol one but it doesn't matter how old you are you can always have a safe mindful self-pleasure practice to honor your body and honor your own pleasure and i think that can that's one of the most empowering things that us as women can do for ourselves as a personal development activity okay that's brilliant great well last time you came on you were talking about the dyson vibrator the crave and they sent me one oh great i've been using it thanks very much do you love it love it i loves it love it so i gifted one to anna on the show on celeb's go dating i gifted it to her on the show and she's been using it and she's been raving about it i thought she had a glow when i saw her at the bathroom oh yeah well yeah it's the vibrator and her um testosterone her own shot so she's been talking about that publicly as well to help women like experiencing perimenopause to go through that i love that so we've got the crave on the list so any other products that we should be buying obviously your book we've got the crave yes i would say the book to like embrace like kind of expose yourself into the world of sexuality and see what else is out there uh i would say the vibrator i would say have a couple of different ones yeah because i talked about idiosyncratic masturbation where you get used to one and then your brain can't have an orgasm with another partner or with a partner so make sure you have different types of stimulation at home um i would say sexual meditation so i haven't tried that yeah check out my um guided sexual meditation playlist on youtube if you search dr tara sexual meditation it should come up um that's a really great practice with your partner where you can get naked hold hands and do the sexual meditation um i would say try the try the pussy worshiping session oh don't worry I'm gonna try it yeah tell your husband tonight tell your husband when is our next one schedule it put it on the google calendar like if it's not on google calendar it doesn't happen as long as it doesn't go in the shared one with the babysitter on five no exactly um dr tara thank you so much for coming on what an absolute treat uh dr tara everyone

48:36Hannah I just Venmo'd you for dinner obsessed I'm spending it right now on the lip gloss that's been sitting in my cart. What do you mean spending it right now? You can instantly spend your balance with the Venmo debit card or when you pay with Venmo at checkout. Stop. Say more. More exactly. The more you do with Venmo, the more you get, like earning up to 5 % cash back with Venmo Stash. Get the Venmo debit card or checkout online. Venmo Stash bundle terms and exclusions apply. Max$100 per month. See terms at venmo.me slash stash terms. Venmo checkout not available at all merchants, the Venmo MasterCard is issued by the Bancorp Bank N.A.

49:17It takes the hits, runs the miles, rebuilds while you sleep. It's felt every fall, every dance floor, every belly laugh. And in return, it asks for nothing. It just keeps going. I'm Ellie Taylor, and this is Back Your Body, the podcast from Holland and Barrett that's all about the most loyal relationship you'll ever have, the one you have with your body. From scars to self care, the bits you love and the bits you've learned to love. We're talking to people about the bodies they live in, how they've pushed them, neglected them, rebuilt them or finally learned to listen to them. It's time to back your body the way it's always back to you.

49:52Back your body. Subscribe now. Your body will thank you.