Friday Q&A on The Hell of Parenting!

0:28Zoe and Georgia will be here in just a moment with Made by Mummers. know you're born on your podcast app and hit follow so new episodes land straight in your feed. Hello and welcome to Made by Mamas the podcast. I'm Zoe Hardman. And I'm Georgia Dayton. And this is your parenting safe space where no conversation is off limits. With five kids between G and I, we have seen a lot. We really have. Each week we'll be joined by some famous faces and experts and we'll chat about the brands and products that have saved us along the way. In short, we're the parenting podcast for you before we get started hit subscribe or follow so you're the first to know when each episode lands and they're on tuesdays and fridays and it really helps if you leave a rating and a review you can also find us on instagram we're on at made by mummers but for now george should we get into it can you hear the hoovering no hello it's friday welcome to Parenting hell.

1:21Not the podcast, but the reality of life at the moment. Just the hell of parenting. Maybe we'll call it the hell of parenting. I'm sure we won't be sued. Sure, I'll be right. How are you, George? I'm okay. I'm fine. I actually forgot it was inset day today. And I'm sure about four episodes ago, I slammed someone else for doing that. You did? I definitely did. No, I didn't. It was bank holidays. holidays yeah but kind of same same um everyone kept messaging me like oh what are you doing on inset day do you want to come to ninja warrior and i'm thinking what are you talking about inset day you know what you've got no and then ax was like no yeah mum it is inset down friday and i was like oh it's not for us because i'm too busy for that yeah what are you gonna do have you got your parents yeah i've got my parents it's fine ship tax off to a mate's house my parents will have gg and we're going to see hercules tonight which is oh that's gonna be so lovely yeah you'll have to report back on that you guys are doing such such nice things as a family at the moment it's lovely i know look at us yeah do you know what it is we cleared the diary because james have had his hair transplant right so yeah he was expecting like to not want to go out and not do anything for like a few weeks but actually he quite likes himself with a shaved head Oh my God, how similar are our husbands?

2:45Genuinely, I thought it would do the same to Doz. Actually, I'm quite proud of our boys because it is quite a big deal. It is. But they literally, both of them had the same thing. Doz was like, oh, do I look a little bit like Jason Statham? Yes, yes. Kind of. You squint and turn up for a glance. You have a lot of tequila. Yeah. Yeah, well, that's so he's not in any pain and he quite likes his shaved head. No, no, no, he's fine. So we basically were like, right, no, we're not going to do anything for the whole of, you know, February or whatever. And then like five days in, he was like, well, I'm fine.

3:19I'm cool to go out. I don't mind. So, yeah, we're doing nice things together. Let us know what Hercules is like. I'm desperate to go and take the kids to it. It would be so nice. Oh, yeah. But not my seven-year-old son. He can't. He can't come. How often? Oh, I mean, honest. I'm always going to be honest. he is being so rude so mean he won't listen oh my god does anyone else find the pain of the mornings just getting worse and worse he won't get his teeth brushed he won't put his shoes on he won't bring his bowl up onto the side and it's literally happened I guess in the last three months because I felt like I was sitting on here like the smug you know bitch that I am going oh it's just we're in this sweet spot with parenting it's just so great and then something like this happens but I I feel like he's massively pushing his boundaries, especially with me.

4:10We had a full on screaming match the other night. We started the morning again today with us having an argument because he wouldn't brush his teeth. It's just boring. Like how many times can you say nicely? Oh, please, Kit, could you go and brush your teeth now before you start going? You have to go and brush your teeth. I get them up an hour before we leave for school. Do I have to start making that 90 minutes? No, I mean, yeah, I feel you. Our mornings are actually not the problem. is our evenings the other problem so I have like a very similar thing but in the evening right so I try to like end the day with a bath right so I try and like you run myself a bath yeah I try and run myself a bath while I'm putting the kids in bed because then I think right then I've got that like have a bar like you always told me wash the day or 20 minutes and then I'll go downstairs and I'm like nicer person but like last night James wasn't here and I'm laying in the bath they've both gone off to their bedrooms and then all of a sudden they're both in the bath and I'm like how's how's this happened oh my god and the bath is stone cold I've told you like to go to bed and that you just don't listen I wouldn't even get close with them I was like I'm just really confused like do you not hear me like am I not speaking the same language as you like what's going on and then they got a bit like sheepish because then I started being like you know what if this continues we're not doing any clubs anymore because I'm not having it get to eight o 'clock at night and then you're still pissing around like it's just not happening um it's very frustrating isn't it and I feel like you probably handle it better than I do because generally you are able to handle your emotions better than I am I think but I don't know I don't know if you think this George sometimes I think I'm not sure what tack to take so I'm very aware because of this podcast we talk about it so much you know am I am I the am I the stick do I go in hard earlier on do I shout that doesn't work do I do gentle parenting that doesn't seem to seem to work so then you just think I don't want to be here yeah like I stepped out of the house this morning and shut the door on them I was like goodbye yeah and they didn't care get a new mum yeah just if you want a new mum which you keep telling me get a new mum off you go sign yourself up to an agency I'm sure there must be an agency that does that recruit a mum.com even just imagine like you know how you get a substitute teacher what do they call them supply teacher yeah imagine if you and they're always like really horrible or just like really weird sorry to all the supply teachers I'm sure you're not all horrible weird but you know like in your mind do you not remember When you were a kid.

6:49When you'd get a supply teacher and they'd be like really strict or like really weird and everyone would be like, oh no. Maybe we could do that with mums. So they could get like someone, like an actor come in who's like really mean to them for the day. Or like really just weird or someone they wouldn't like. Then they might appreciate us more. Right. I'm going to try it and you and I are going to go on holiday during those three days. Okay. Great. We'll let you know how it goes. That sounds great. Off the back of all the big emotions in the house and the highs and the lows that Georgia and I are experiencing, we thought we would do a podcast today on, I guess, things that are triggering for you guys, things that are coming up with parenting at the moment, things that you can't regulate yourself on, these big moments that happen and how do you navigate out of them.

7:33We've had loads of questions. George, do you want to kick us off? We have. And before we get into it, we're not experts, but we're just having the chats that we would have with our mates if they said this to us. Yeah. um someone has said here my nearly eight-year-old boy name calls us when he gets angry except etc what should i do right i am in exactly the same hell as you with my nearly eight-year-old boy so it must be something about this period i don't know in another injection of testosterone or you know i think again like i was saying about pushing the boundaries george i think you probably agree with that um i i really don't have the answer because i'm also as i said right right in it with you but i think someone said something to me today which really stuck with me that as opposed to keep asking the same thing like this morning please go and brush your teeth go and brush your teeth get your teeth brushed kit you need to get your teeth brushed now he said to me why don't you say and it was it was a dad he said to me why don't you say hey mate listen i think you're finding these mornings really tough and i'm finding them really tough so i want to get around you and i want to support you how can we make these mornings easier for you try and be like I'm here for you I I'm still the parent I'm still trying to discipline but as opposed to being like barking orders which I get to definitely at the end of it how about being like right let's take a different tact on it and maybe he said to me why don't you try having that conversation with him the night before so that maybe he could have a chance to think about it um so I don't know maybe that's maybe that's one way of thinking yeah yeah yeah just like change approach a bit so when like you know your eight-year-old's getting angry you just basically just be like listen I get it like you're angry you're not enjoying this neither am I yeah what do you want to do about it yeah that's true I mean that actually sounds so logical doesn't it doesn't it I mean you're trying to reason with a terrorist slightly but we always know that you can't do that this morning I actually cried and said I sort of on purpose um because someone else told me why don't you do a bit of waterworks I was like oh you're making me really unhappy with the way that you're speaking to me and he just went don't care I just got straight in the car and I was like fuck fuck fuck that hasn't worked good luck let us know it's not easy um nine-year-old daughter's constant friendship issues how can I help her unsure of how to navigate so I totally get this and um I I mean I think I've spoken quite openly about Axel speaking to a what she call it a positive psychology coach it all started when he was having panic attacks and being anxious but since it's evolved they do talk about other stuff and one of the things that came up was friendship and he's nine going on ten and he was talking about getting upset with certain situation with friendship and she sent me the notes after and the way she sort of talked about it and had navigated it with him made so much sense so she sort of allowed him to say everything that he thought you know about what was going on with the friendship so she listened and heard everything he had to say without interjecting as in like you know if some if you got on the defensive and you were you were also hurt by something that happened she just sat and listened to what he had to say and then at the end of it she got him to talk about what his ideal friendship scenario would look like and what being a good friend meant and what you know basically what a good friendship is and then she said to him right so this is what being a good friend is and this is what a good friendship looks like so where do you think you sit in that then and so he was able to figure out where he might have handled the situation wrong and also where someone else might have handled the situation wrong without telling him and solving it for him do you know what I mean so she didn't go right Axel tomorrow when you go into school go up to that person and say she didn't do that and um I think that's probably our I guess go-to as parents is to try and fix everything like for our kids yeah but the way she did it was just almost like here we go here's the recipe for a good friendship now you go off and put it into practice and it's really stuck with me now because now any situation that comes up whether it's friendship or you know just anything that he doesn't understand rather than me going well this is what I would do I explain like what the best scenario would be and then it's up to him to work out how he gets there and I think with a nine-year-old especially a nine-year-old girl because even if I do say so myself we are usually more more intelligent um that that might be the best way to go you know like show her talk to her about what friendships look like what her female friendships look like as well that's really important yeah what the ideal situation would be and then she might be able to see where she's feeding into you know friendship drama where or where someone else is going wrong and she would be able to see what a true friendship looks like and whether that's oh actually I don't want to be friends with these people or oh this is what our friendship should look like and this is how I'll get there yeah um yeah it's really good advice yeah because we can't always be there to solve it especially at nine you know like it's not that long until they go off into secondary school and you really you're really not there to handhold so yeah I think that's really great advice I don't really have much to add George actually because I think that's fantastic um advice there but I I would just say I think with girls it can be slightly nastier and it can change a lot quicker so what I say to Luna who's obviously nine I say to her make it a priority to find your tribe and I said your tribe doesn't necessarily have to look like you know the big gaggle of girls your tribe looks like people that have the same interests as you people that always support you girls that have been friends of yours forever and like what's happened with her is that she had a really great you know couple of friends and then obviously they moved classes and she made friends with another set of friends who can be slightly trickier to navigate so I said go and find the other girls make sure you're reconnecting with them you know you're running club girls you love them because they're they run with you and you've you know you've got that bond there and and so and I said and also we have to be resilient around the fact that there's going to be certain periods where people don't like us and they say things to us and it's like okay you don't like me that's okay I'm going to go off and find the people that do like me um yeah it's it's really tricky god I know I'm still trying to think I'm still trying to navigate it yeah no it is it is it's So hard.

14:29We'll be right back after this short break.

14:34Welcome back to this episode of Made by Mamas. Now, where were we? The moment you realise they're not going to do the thing, loss of control. Oh my God. I really think this is like such a transition period, isn't it? When they hit probably eight, nine, ten, those sorts of ages, it's where you do really have, like, your control is no more. I think that consequences, which is what happened the other night, I had to, because I always say, oh, if you do that, I'm going to take your pocket money away. And I sort of get a bit laughed back in the face. Oh, yeah, whatever. Yeah. And I never do it. But I did it in front of him.

15:13And I said, right, that's it. I'm taking five pounds out of your pocket money and I'm putting it back into my bank. And he hated it. And I said, and I'll continue to do that if you continue to disrespect me I was very calm wasn't shouting um so I I think at that moment I always think take a breath because there's nowhere to go when it's like they've said no you've got up here you're trying to make a point and they just will not budge on it I always think at that point space then you can come back and talk to them about it hopefully in a healthier way because what do they say never deal with anything when it's hot you know you have to take the heat out of it and be able to have that realization and I think when two people are in an argument especially you know parent child siblings they can't see through that no and also as well like ultimately we are going to have to let full control go at some point we don't get to control our kids forever and so I guess it's about like I always sort of especially with Axel actually and Gigi as well at the moment right it's all about responsibility and like if you show like responsibility and trust then you get more control as like a like an outcome essentially like Gigi really wanted to have her ears pierced she isn't really allowed to have them done fine she has to take them out when it's PE at school did you have them done yeah yeah she had them done before Christmas um and she has been amazing like she she really understood when I said to her right if you have them done then you're responsible and you have to show me you're responsible because this is something this is yours this is your thing to look after and she actually genuinely really has she's been like on cleaning them and you know she's she's learned how to take them out and put them back in and you know looks after them when she has to take them out of school and it's it's that whole thing of like give and take like yes she were actually probably wasn't allowed to have been done in terms of like at school probably like I think they they make you wait to the school holidays but she has taken ownership of her decision and I quite like it for her I'm like you know what like yeah you that's that's where you are relinquishing control and like for as a parent but you put the responsibility onto the child yeah that's a slightly different point isn't it and I definitely that's about kind of letting letting them go and letting them take more responsibility for that for their life because they're going to have to do it and I really love that from you George and actually it could have backfired and she could and but who loses she does yeah she does exactly yeah and I think there's yeah something to be said in letting go of the control sometimes and stuff but not when they need to brush their fucking teeth no or you just show them with like rotting teeth and be like yeah cool here we go not my problem this is from louise bedtime routine with my four-year-old takes so long i feel like i have tried everything not really a question more of a statement and i god god i've god i empathize remember that oh my god it is hell and actually i know some people still going through it you know even with kids kids our age like it happens doesn't it what what a minefield that is because it's right at the end of your day as well where you have been pushed right to the limit and all you want is to have a lovely bedtime routine where they're read a book together, have a cuddle goodnight, you turn the light out and then they just go night mummy and then they're off to sleep like an angel and it just does not fucking happen.

18:46No, I know. You just want to leave the house and never come back. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, do you know what? I totally feel you and I don't really have any advice for this other than like it's okay to not tend to their every need at bedtime 100 % like it really is fine when it's like oh I needed another glass of water oh I'm hungry oh I want another story oh and you do feel bad like to be like no no no but I think you do have to be called behind sometimes as you know you just got to be like no we get one story there's a glass of water by your bed and you've eaten done no more that's it yeah and actually at four it's quite difficult isn't it because they obviously they understand and stuff but i think that's got to be the point where the firmness comes in and like you said george it's like right mummy is not coming back in the room now right so unless something major has happened mummy's not coming back in the room yeah and then even if you get a little bit of like screaming and shouting and mummy it's really really hard but eventually that will stop yeah yeah yeah exactly exactly um oh my god i've just I've seen the one below it.

19:55Can I just read it out? My two-year-old shouting, fucking hell. Not sure how to manage it. Do you know what? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Do you know where Gigi was cleaning the fridge and she was going, fuck, fuck, fucking hell. Fucking, fucking hell. Fucking hell. But I do just think you just don't give any attention to it. I really think at two, you don't. You don't explain. You don't. You just ignore. Because I think at two, they know where they get attention and they don't know the difference between good and bad attention. It's absolutely right, George. it will go yeah just ignore it laugh in the upper room exactly I was going to say turn your back and laugh the other day Kit was watching I think it was like Avengers or something which is probably a bit too old for him so sorry but I didn't really realise it was a 12 anyway on the film it said suck a fat one and Kit came in and was like what does suck a fat one mean and I was like it's when you really suck on a lollipop really hard and it's a big one and you go yeah suck on this fat one and he was like alright and just walked off and I was like Oof, navigated that one quickly.

20:58Suck a fat one, Jesus. Oh, my God. Where shall we go? There's quite a lot of things where people are talking about their triggers and it's whinging. It's when they talk in a baby boy. It's all of those things that are just so hard. They sort of pierce in your brain, don't they? So whinging, baby voig's talking, whining, like all of that is just hell. Hell on earth. Hell, yeah. There's quite a few as well around like anger from my preteen first thing in the morning ruins my day and mood. Loads of ones like that. Oh, my God. The moods from the preteens. It is horrible because it's really hard. People go, oh, why did you get triggered by it?

21:47Like Dozler says to me, he's like, why does it bother you? Just let it go. like just you know let her be moody and I'm like really you know how can you unhear it I don't know whether it's a sensory thing from girls because for me it triggers stuff from school where I felt like I was almost being I don't know not like bullied in my own home but like an element of left out or like the mean girl like it triggers that mean girl thing where I think oh my god someone living in my house doesn't like me I'm too way too sensitive for that but also like just in terms of when you've got somebody in the house who is like in such a bad mood surely that impacts the whole house like that's really hard to not let it slip into everyone else's life like i mean we we've got a podcast coming up um with someone in a couple of weeks we've already recorded it and she talks about the impact that you know a pre-teen can have on everyone like your relationship you're you know it does like it it's sad isn't it but a teenager and a child to be fair can like basically control the mood of a house we've talked about this haven't we george it's and it sounds silly doesn't it to let them but it's hard not to yeah because where else in the world are you confronted before eight o 'clock in the morning with eye rolling huffing slamming and being one word being one worded is one of my worst things in the world I picked Tyler up the other day and I was like from her mom's house and I was like oh my gosh how was your party fine I was like oh did you have a nice time like well lots of your mates there and she was like yeah and then it just carried on oh my god and I went and then I went oh I had a really good show this morning and she went like there she went and just looked at me like that and I was like oh my god what are you supposed to do oh my god oh my god well I actually had a quiet word with her and I was like the one wording is really rude so please can you stop doing it but it's very triggering it's very you're not alone isn't it it's like you know that they're they're doing it because their hormones are everywhere and you know the easiest person to take it out on is the people at home right we know that rationally but equally you want to teach them what what's rude like that is rude to go into the world thinking they can speak to people like that because that's what I'm always like if the kids are rude to me James will be like oh you know whatever and I'm like no no that's my full boundary like you can't it doesn't cost anything or take much to be polite like that's just I don't know I'm with you I'm not gonna cut well with that i think if that's what you're getting i think dealing with it again in the moment it's probably not the right answer but dealing with them when you when you've got them on side and just say actually when you behave like that it does actually make me feel x y and z so could you please have just a little think about it and it might stick i got an apology it you know not to say it won't happen again but i think there was a realization around the behavior yeah so but yeah again sarah do you do it back on your own oh my god i did it i did it back i did it because i think Maybe then they learn like, oh, it's not very nice when someone speaks to you like that.

25:04Dealing with ungrateful behavior. So triggering. We had another one like this. Someone said, yeah, like basically when brattiness, working so hard to provide an amazing life and they become bratty. My worst. Ungrateful. It's not fair. you're never there you don't do anything you didn't even get me mini sausages yeah I come down on it really really hard I tend to use Kenya as an example actually a lot and I'm like you've seen how these beautiful kids in the village live and I'm like how dare you yeah I know that they're young and some people listening to this might be like you're expecting too much but I am expecting a bit of realization around what they've got yeah no I I totally get what you're saying and I think it's so difficult because on one hand, like you say, you feel inside like, how dare you?

26:03Like, it's so rude, it's so bratty and all of that. And then on the other hand, you're like, well, it's not their fault that they've been bought, you know, that they're having a life like this. That's not what's in question though, is it? No, no, no. I know. But as in like when she said, like, we're talking about we create, you know, being bratty and we're working really hard to create a life for them. that's you know that yes they're young aren't they like you just said they're really really young and they don't have maybe an understanding of the real world that's just their life yeah so i think sometimes i mean i definitely have it with james like he will get really wound up like if axel is behaving in a bratty way because he'll be like i didn't have any of this like when i grew up but that's on him you know like I sometimes think that I get it I totally get it and we all want our kids to be grateful and not bratty but it is sometimes coming from us too and it's like a trigger of like I didn't have that and you've got everything and how dare you behave like this but essentially we're the ones providing everything for them we we are providing everything for them and that's that's definitely not in question but it's the response that we get and I think it's our jobs as shepherds to be able to when we call when we see it for us to call it out we don't have to we don't have to present in anger even if it is triggering for us but to explain to them about how privileged and and how gifted their life is because otherwise i mean i don't know about you george but one of my worst things in life will be having privileged spoiled kids that don't know you know the meaning of graft and have no understanding around it so i think it's really important to start that from a really young age yeah no no no i like i totally agree but um yeah it's really interesting how so many of us are saying the same thing about how do you you know how do you navigate that with them what should we finish on um worried daughter isn't going to make friends get bullied she's only five so totally self-projecting oh okay oh my gosh okay firstly thanks for sharing that because that's a big that's probably a big piece of your childhood maybe coming there and bubbling away for you.

28:17Try if you can to think that your child is not you. Yeah. Your child is not you. She's going to have different experiences to you. That will always be our deepest wound, I think, as mothers. And we don't want anything bad. We don't want anyone to say anything mean to our kids. We want them to be the most popular and wrapped up and find friendships and be great in class and be great on the sports. We want it all for them. There's going to be tricky periods for her, but that is about you maybe doing some healing around what happened to you at that age rather than putting it on your daughter and I get I get why you have I do it all the time so that's not me judging you yeah no I was gonna just exactly so exactly that I think there's so much that comes up when you become a parent and actually it's really difficult to separate you know what happened to you as a child or as a young adult and what happens to them but you really do have to remind yourself that they're a different person and also that Like they can care in a different way, you know, like it might be that your child isn't making those friends at school, but they're not upset about it.

29:16Like we just assume they will be like they might be totally fine. And it's only you that feels that way. But yeah, I mean, it's totally normal to feel like that. You just have to keep reminding yourself that it's a you thing and it's more them thing. Yeah. Thank you so much for sending in all of your questions for today's podcast. An absolute treat to read them and answer some of them. and as always we'd love you to rate review subscribe and please give our podcast a follow yeah and if you've got any feedback on this episode or topics you'd like us to cover drop us a dm on instagram we're at made by mummers and we'll be back on tuesday