Lauren Goodger on Grief, Motherhood and Rebuilding Her Life

0:02Zoe and Georgia will be here in just a moment. Once you've finished this episode, check out the latest installment of Get A Grip for some great empowering female vibes. They've got an International Women's Day special packed with bold, brilliant female energy. They're celebrating the women driving the conversation forward, getting stuck into Rihanna's long awaited comeback to music and chatting about the USA women's hockey team. Search for Get a Grip wherever you listen and tee it up to play next. This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever find yourself playing the budgeting game?

0:40Well, with the Name Your Price tool from Progressive, you can find options that fit your budget and potentially lower your bills. Try it at Progressive.com. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates. Price and coverage match limited by state law. Not available in all states. Hey, moms and dads. If you're tired of getting the deer in the headlights response every time you bring up family plans with your kids, let me introduce you to your new best friend, the Skylight Calendar. Skylight Calendar was designed to help you manage the chaos of family life. Ditch the mental load of juggling everyone's schedule by pulling it all into one clear place.

1:15This all-in-one touchscreen calendar brings visual structure and color coding across your schedules, tasks, lists, and other family needs. Right now, Skylight is offering our listeners$30 off their 15-inch calendars by going to myskylight.com slash get30. Go to myskylight.com slash get30 for$30 off your 15-inch calendar. That is M-Y-S-K-Y-L-I-G-H-T dot com slash get30. Hello and welcome to Made by Mamas, the podcast. I'm Zoe Hardman. And I'm Georgia Dayton. And this is your parenting safe space where no conversation is off limits. With five kids between G and I, we have seen a lot.

1:59Lauren Goodger: We really have. Each week we'll be joined by some famous faces and experts and we'll chat about the brands and products that have saved us along the way. In short, we're the parenting podcast for you. Before we get started, hit subscribe or follow so you're the first to know when each episode lands. And they're on Tuesdays and Fridays. And it really helps if you leave a rating and a review. You can also find us on Instagram. We're on at Made by Mummers. But for now, George, should we get into it? Another Tuesday with my G. Yes. Wearing your jumper, just to warn you. I know, I'm quite worried about this.

2:30This yellow jumper is not coming back home to you. It's too big for you. It's not too big for me. No, it's not.

2:36Lauren Goodger: Actually, it's really nice. It's making me feel rubbish. Thanks for lending me your clothes. How are you? It's all right. I'm good. I'm tired, as we quite often are on a Monday morning. I think both of us look a bit tired today. It's because we've not had a holiday. I can't think we've been on holiday. Yes, we have. No, we've not had a break. I need a facial. I need some profilo. I need, I mean, give me a new face. That's what I'm up for. Have you done it? Put it into ChatGPT? No. Oh my God, don't. It's dangerous. What? What do you mean? If you go and ChatGPT, take a photo of yourself. Oh my God, stop it.

3:11Lauren Goodger: And you say, what tweakments could I have? I want to look fresher. whatever you want to say and it will give you a new face and a diagram of all of the things that you should have done and i'm not joking i thought that it'd be like oh i cannot perform this no like literally just put a diagram on my face it was like lip filler eyebrow lift cheek and i was like whoa okay dangerous don't you can i just tell you right now from the bottom of my heart look at me you do not need any face i need a bit of bow touch maybe a touch maybe a touch um listen we are going to get straight into today's podcast because it was a huge conversation and we need to put quite a few trigger warnings out first of all we discuss in depth baby loss today um because today's guest very very sadly lost her baby and it is a big emotional very brave very inspiring story but very hard for today's guest to come and share that.

4:15And I imagine, I think Georgia and I found it incredibly hard hearing it and being part of it because of her pain.

4:21Lauren Goodger: Yeah, I think when you've got someone in front of you and she said this herself, telling a story and she said, you know, I'm here telling a story but this is actually my real life. It's really hard when you can see someone, you can see their eyes, you can see how heavy it is. it obviously we want her to share her story and like we're so grateful to her for coming on and being so open honest but it's really difficult to watch somebody who has been through so much um but I really do love that she you know is carrying on and it's inspiring it really is I think I've known her for a long long time and watching her journey and the way that she's been portrayed in the press and the things that she's had to deal with like she's been dealt a shit hand oh absolutely um and I think everybody needs to listen to this conversation I think without a doubt her most honest interview that I've ever seen her do and she even said it you know this feels like therapy for her she said that didn't she during the chat so let's get into it today and let's all show her a bit of love after you've listened to this podcast I know how much she'd appreciate it who are we talking to today Georgia we're chatting to Lauren Goodger I met this incredible lady in another life, it feels like.

5:36Probably about 15 years ago when we were both doing very different things in that time. We'll talk about that today. She has been on such a journey since highs, massive lows. She is a TV personality. She is a soon-to-be author. Very exciting. Please welcome to the podcast, Lauren Goodyear. Hi. Lauren, welcome. Thanks for having me. You're looking, I've got to be honest, the most glamorous guest we've had in. Yeah, hair done, face done. That's the Essex thing. Look, George couldn't believe it. We've always got time for a blow dryer, even though I actually did think, why did I book this podcast the day after a week of half term?

6:14I know. I'm absolutely shattered, but I'm here and it's really exciting. Lauren, let's go back to young Lauren. Yeah. Grown up in Essex? I was actually born in East London, Hackney, Hormone Hospital. all um I my mum and dad was together at the time I had a brother the oldest and a sister Nicola and then there was me different dad but my brother and sister called my dad dad um I think they broke up I think when I was about a year and a half so then my mum was on her own with three of us which is quite tough um yeah and then my dad sort of moved I'd say more it was Essex it was like borders of East London and I stayed with my mum and I think I got to the age of about four and my dad took me full time okay yeah so that was obviously I don't obviously remember that I do remember bits of like going to my mum's of a weekend because she lived like mile end area and out her window was the Canary Wharf Tower so I always used to see that as a child and say oh my mum lives there because we could see it in Essex in certain parts of like on walks or whatever yeah um and it just yeah I just was like that's where my mum is and I really missed her I remember that tell us about growing up with

7:39Lauren Goodger: your dad yeah most of the time yeah I mean like nowadays dad's picking up from the school gates It's normal. But I can imagine back then it wouldn't have been. Yeah. So I think I moved to my dad's, I think, just early 90s. But he sort of took me in. He then got married when I was about five. So I had a stepmom. And listen, it's difficult because your mom is your mom. But my mom and dad are very different people. My dad is a worker. is very education is a big thing my step-mom would take me out and spend 100 pounds in a dress where my mom was the complete opposite but I loved my mom's house because it was full of kids everyone was there there was no rules when my dad was was very different not strict but a bit more like there was bedtime you couldn't watch kids programs when my mom didn't care about stuff like that so I missed being there um so I think it is quite difficult and I think it's sort of given me adult anxiety because the separation as a four-year-old my little girl's four and a half and I could never imagine not having her every day I just couldn't.

9:00Is it a conscious decision from your mum to give you to your dad full-time? So in her defense and I've never slagged any of my family off um she suffered with really severe postnatal depression gosh so back in them days it wasn't really a big thing and she was scared to say it because she didn't want them to take take me away from her so obviously obviously in the hospital she said to me like I remember I just didn't want to hold you but they were like what's wrong with you you're not like bonding she's I'm fine I'm just tired she would brush it off but that must have been so hard for her she was such a young mum she had my brother at 18 um so yeah and she um she'd been in care at certain parts of her upbringing so I think she just struggled as much as she was she was a good mum in her own way like she was a lot of love there but she just struggled like with money so that was quite hard to like to to raise us all and apparently I was just full of beans 100 miles an hour and she struggled yeah she just couldn't cope have you had conversations with her now about that yeah because she's amazing with my daughter is she this is so interesting so my little girl loves her she's her and all the kids in the family do she's so maternal but was not maternal of us it's weird um and that wasn't her fault that was like the post-natal depression the struggles being on your own um but I just feel like now like she's the nan that I'm always telling her off stop giving her chocolate or I'll let her have what she wants she's she's one of them she's getting her second chance yeah and even though she's not I'm very like I don't really I'm a very hands-on full-time mum I don't know if anyone look after my daughter and my mum will come around and stay but I'm there I might pop out and do a bit of filming but she's always with us But when she is round, it's quite fun.

10:55LaRose, she plays with her, which I love to see. Even when LaRose was about one, two, and I'd pick my mum up and drop her off, we'd have to pretend she was going to the shop because LaRose would scream for her. So I knew that, you know, as a young, kids pick up, don't they? Of course. On good people, auras and everything like that. So I knew that she has got that maternal instinct. And she is a fabulous nan. They love her. All the kids do. You touched on the fact that you think it's given you anxiety in your grown-up years. Just try and go into that a little bit. And what else has come up for you since having that experience of not being with your mum all the time?

11:37Yeah, I just feel like I have suffered from not really teens, I'd say probably coming into fame. I suffered with anxiety quite heavy and panic attacks. and I would worry. I haven't had the easiest ride in this career. They haven't always been very kind to me and I think that hasn't helped. They have not been kind to you, Lauren. No, they haven't. Let's say it. The press have not been kind to you. Not at all. Why do you think that is? Even though I look, like everyone meets me, you're so different in real life. And I'm a very down-to-earth, chilled, I'm just a normal girl. And I feel like people meet me and my friends say to me, they always ask, what's she like?

12:20Like, what's she like? And I'm like, why have they got this persona of me that's not what it is? And I just think the narrative started years ago and that was what they, the clickbait kind of thing stuck with this personality of me. What was the narrative? What do you think? I think it's just like, I don't know, Lauren Goodjard. It's always like weight, relationships, they're not supportive. They're more like, what's she done wrong? What's she look like here? I remember years and years ago I went out for dinner and I was just with a few friends and there was all pats outside and I was like just give us some pictures there's a pats through the window I was like for god's sake I remember drove it was just like local I wasn't even drinking it wasn't a big night they literally all these photos of me that I must have blinked gone like that and all the headlines were Lauren's out partying I didn't even drink it was just not that that's sort of narrative it's been from young not now but when I first in my 20s yeah it was always that trying to catch me coming up.

13:20They used to hide in my place I lived in Chigwell. There was like these statues outside, like gates, and they would hide inside the property and jump out at me, scare the life at me. So I'd jump back, and that was the main picture on the mouth.

13:38Lauren Goodger: And what effect has that had? Oh, my God. Yeah, what effect has that had on you? Well, I don't think it's healthy, and I do think it's given me not as much confidence in who I am. I think I've turned down a lot of things in life, like amazing jobs because I'm like, oh no, I'm not going to like it. I don't want to do that. I could have done so much more. I'm doing things, I'm still here, but there's more things I could have done. But I think it just knocked my confidence where I didn't really want to be in the media. I'll go to certain events. I do and it is my job, but I have turned down some really good red carpet things because I'm like, no, I'm not going.

14:17You should get in the jungle, Lauren. I know. I bet they ask you every year, don't they? I couldn't, sorry, I couldn't do it. Oh, come on though. I couldn't jump out of a airplane if I ever come to London. kangaroo testicles? They look lovely, don't they? I couldn't do it. Honestly, I think everyone says that. I think, I think you'd really see who I am as a person on that sort of show, which would do, which would be great. But, the actual task and jumping out of a plane, maybe I would, I don't know. But sitting there now, I'm like, no way. My TV cooler. No way, I can't.

14:52Lauren Goodger: Talk to us about becoming a mum for the first time. Yes. Did you always want a family? I've always wanted to be a mum. Yeah. I'm just, I would have loads. If my situation was different and I'd settle down because I'm not with anyone at the minute, but there's all reasons for that. I would have had loads of kids. There's still time because I just love kids. I actually prefer kids to adults. I love that. It's when people say I prefer dogs to adults. No, I get it. I prefer kids. I think they're just so loving. They're fun. They're just pure. I love my daughter. She's just the best thing ever. She's just a mini me.

15:33She's so funny. But becoming a mum for the first time was the best thing that I've ever done. Yeah. I was in my I was literally like I remember I gave birth at home so I done it naturally we actually run out of gas and air so I've got the video on my phone oh god don't get it I love you Lauren but I don't see that I think you'd be like it's actually like oh my god I'm standing up I'm pushing Larone's out where's the video from? the front door of the pub? where's the video from? Well, no, who took it? No, no, as in what can you see? Oh, no, it's behind. Oh, wow. So, yeah, everything's open, bum everything.

16:17So it's not a pretty sight. And you can even see, it's really weird. You can even see like water comes out as well. Like when she comes out, the water's flying out. It's very graphic, sorry. Wow. But it's beautiful. And I was in my bubble. Like I was, World War III could have gone off outside and I didn't leave my house. I think about two or three weeks. I didn't care about the rest of the world. She was just here and I loved it. I was with her dad at the time for, I think about a year and a half, year and a half after, year after. So he was there, which was great because I was breastfeeding. So I'd breastfeed the rose, he'd feed me.

16:58So yeah, we was a team.

17:00Lauren Goodger: And obviously life was just how you wanted it to be. Yeah, honestly, I was really happy. The labour wasn't seven hours. I was very lucky. No complications. Very hard, obviously. I felt like when I was, someone asked this the other day, actually, what was it like? Because obviously you didn't have any drugs. I did it completely natural. I did have gas and air until we ran out. I literally remember when she was here, I was shaking for about an hour after. Yeah. And then I went, what time is it? And they were like, what day is it? And they went, no, it's like seven hours later. I was like, I felt like I was giving birth for days.

17:40It was like I was in another time zone. It was really weird. Did you have to go to hospital at all? No. So who cuts the umbilical cord? What does that look like? The midwife's there, obviously. I had two. So I had my normal NHS midwife and then another one comes, but Charlie and my midwife. But I let it drain. So I'm like, don't cut it yet until it goes white. Because you have to let all...

18:04Lauren Goodger: Oh, delayed umbilical cord tamping. You have to, which we should do because it lets all the stem cells and the goodness and everything they need run from the placenta. Wow. Yeah. And so then after you gave birth, what did you do? Get into your own bed? So after we gave birth, get the mop out. Yeah. I was like, literally got in the shower, had tea and toast. And I was, Charlie Blodger had my hair. Of course. Yeah. I was like, have to wash this out. Because I was in a pool, a water birth. I was like under it. Yeah, it was a lot. But it was lovely because you don't have to be discharged. No one's checking you on your baby.

18:43The midwife must have left within 10 minutes.

18:46Lauren Goodger: Really? Yeah, wait her. And then you're just home. You're home. It's amazing. Honestly, it was the best experience ever. And LaRose's dad, is he a good, great present partner, father? Yeah. Have you got a good relationship? Yeah, I do. So we co-parent very well. It hasn't always been easy. We went through a really bad time. I don't want to go into details of everything today. But where we are at today is really healthy for my daughter because we go on holiday together. Great. We went to Legoland on Saturday together, and she just sees mum and dad. We're not together. We've got separate places.

19:32but we act like we're friends.

19:34Lauren Goodger: You can be together. How positive is that? Yeah, exactly. You fell pregnant again quite quickly. How old was La Rose? Yeah, how old? I think it was about seven weeks. She was about seven weeks old. She was seven weeks old and you fell pregnant again? Yeah, I did, yeah. Planned? No. No. Wasn't planned but obviously when you give birth, you're very fertile and I wasn't too sure at the beginning because about, I think I moved house. I gave birth to La Rose. I then moved into a house out of the area, still in Essex, but a little bit more quieter just to have a little bit more family life out of the height where I lived in the middle of Chigwell.

20:16And it was a lot of pressure on our relationship and we wasn't in the best place, I'd say. We didn't want to leave each other. We both wanted to live with our baby, obviously, and be there with her. You didn't want to leave. so when I did fall pregnant, we wasn't in the best place, but I wasn't 100 % going to go ahead. And I was like, because I've got this newborn baby. Yeah. Me and him aren't really getting on. Do I want to bring another baby into this? But then I sat to my guns and I was like, no, I'm doing it on my own. So we actually split up and I was on my own for a while, which was tough.

20:56Really hard. Because I'm still breastfeeding, being pregnant again, feeling sick all the time. It was so hard, honestly, a completely different experience to when I was pregnant with LaRose.

21:07Lauren Goodger: Yeah. Because LaRose did a year of 4.30 a.m. every day, 4.35 every day. And I was so tired of pregnancy. But it was tough. It was really, really tough. but I sat on my guns and I was doing it and I went ahead with it. Yeah. What was going through your mind like when you were thinking about not going ahead? What the reason why I didn't? Well, like what was, I guess what was your mind doing? Were you thinking, no, it's too early? Yeah, I just feel like I just had La Rose and I wanted to give her all of me and I didn't want to add more pressure because pregnancy is really tough. Yeah. and no one really does speak about it especially to new mums it's like everyone portrays on instagram or they're having a baby or they're having kids but it's really difficult and um i'm very lucky i was i really enjoyed my pregnancy because i wanted to be a mum so bad that i actually had a really easy ride but having then a newborn baby falling pregnant and not really getting on with your partner, it was difficult.

22:18And I'm trying to work. So I struggled, but I made a decision. I really want, you know, I want more kids and I'm going to get through it. We'll be right back after this short break.

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24:16welcome back to this episode of made by mamas now where were we talk us through the pregnancy with your second baby and what that was like and were there any complications how were you feeling yeah um I'm very lucky with my pregnancies my bloods are immaculate that was actually what the midwife said she was like I don't know what you eat I was like well not that great but she's like your bloods are immaculate like let's do a home birth again I was very low risk so I sort of left the second time to do not left I wouldn't say but like it wasn't as intense like I was sort of they would come to my house to check me rather than me go there and it was just quite it was it was more laid back um but obviously being pregnant the actual pregnancy was perfect she was exactly the same weight as LaRose which was crazy they were like so alike as well honestly it was like two twins but the pregnancies were very similar I just struggled a little bit more just because I had a newborn baby and all them beginning in pregnancy hormones of the sickness and you're trying to breastfeed and the exhaustion that was that was a different experience but I just had done it it was like two years I was pregnant for yeah and so pregnancy's going well due date approaching yes plan to have a home birth yeah it was all ready in the annex already set up yeah um tell us what happened I lost um Lorena due to loss of oxygen.

25:53That's what happened. So there was the cold right around her. I'm not trying to get emotional because I want to talk about this. Yeah, so the cold was right around her neck and there was two knots in it, but the doctors and the autopsy couldn't explain if that was the cause. All they knew was that she'd lost oxygen. So I was at home and I was rushed into hospital and she had just passed just before. So, yeah, like literally, I think it was like six, seven hours just before. She died six or seven hours before you gave birth to her. Yeah, which is so upsetting because it's like, you think, could I have done something differently?

26:49Should there be more help for me? But we were set up at home. I'm so sorry. When you go through such a traumatic time and you lose your child, you think, oh, could have this? But what happened happened. And the doctor said, that might not have made a difference. even if you had been in this could this does happen in hospital as well so I don't want anyone to be put off a home birth either because my first one was amazing and I had just done it amazingly the year before it wasn't even a year was it so um but yeah I lost her due to oxygen and it was a really traumatic time that I've ever been through ever of course I mean how can it be any other way.

27:36It's the most terrific thing I imagine. She was beautiful. She was healthy. There was no complications with me or baby. She was lovely. Did you have to give birth? Yeah, I did. Yeah. Yeah. Two hours, the labour was. And you knew at that point that she had already passed? I didn't. No, I didn't. I actually, I remember giving birth and thinking, I feel movement. I can feel movement. I think it must have been the midwife with her hands. Because I could feel it. And then I did hear the doctor say, we've got a low heartbeat. But I think it was adrenaline that they, like, sort of, yeah. Oh, my gosh.

28:16Lauren Goodger: And what is that moment like when they say to you that she's, you know, she's not here? I was just, I just, I laid there for hours, sitting up for hours. Didn't want to walk. I just was in a, just not with it. I was in shock. I was completely in shock. I remember all family and friends visiting and me thinking, how does everyone know? It was just like, it was a dream. It was just a weird nightmare that I just couldn't explain. And all I wanted was just to be with LaRose. That's all I wanted. She was with my friend. Obviously, she came and collected her and we spent the night with Lorena. Yeah, that's, yeah.

28:55Yeah. Yeah, Lorena was, yeah. Yeah, in hospital. But I kept her for 24 hours after her. which was, you know, normally you would wake up and check on your baby. We was doing that. But she was obviously frozen because they put him in the casket. I know, sorry. God, I'm so sorry. Take a minute. And she was just changing by the hour. She just looked different constantly, but she was just perfect little doll. Sorry. No, no, take a breath. Do you want some tissues? yeah i can act so strong yeah and um i could be going through the worst time of my life and i will still just act like everything's all right that's my coping mechanism yeah do you know the weirdest thing as well it's like when you're in that hospital it's like it has it didn't sink in with me yeah even though I knew it didn't sink in I it do you know what actually hit me in 24 a year later yeah because that was halfway through 22 23 I was on this I moved house I was sort of like an autopilot on 23 I was really there for La Rose all the time I didn't really want to work and obviously I knew and I did have my my trauma and my anxiety and everything else but 24 it hit me like a ton of bricks what was that like I just dark depression um horrible feelings scared of everything couldn't sleep racing heart um it was bad I was I don't know how I got through that I look back now and I have touched on that more recently of how it's come back a little bit because I've been through quite a lot in life very recently and I just feel like I've been dealt some really shit cards in life sorry sorry Laura can I give you a hug I'm trying to keep it together and yeah do you know what I mean yeah this is my story and it's my real life yeah yeah and listen like La Rose would never know like everyone that meets me and that meets La Rose says oh my god like she's amazing she's so confident she's so funny yeah I would never let her see what I'm actually going for and thank God she was so young she doesn't know do you talk to her about her sister?

31:29no I don't and the reason why I don't is because I don't want La Rose to grieve and feel pain at a young age that she doesn't understand it's not her problem, it's not her pain when she's old enough she will understand she had a sister but it's going to be a good story it's not going to be she's going to see this obviously when she's older but she's only four and when she's old enough to understand but I protect her peace at all costs and I don't want her to ever be confused or see sad or listen some parents deal with it differently and that's fine everyone else has got their own way but me personally look Lorena's in pictures all around the house she I've got her own with all her ashes in I've got cast of her hand and feet I've got her hair, I've got her ashes, tattoos, and LaRose thinks it's her because they're so similar.

32:26And she doesn't really take a notice anymore. She did for, I'd say, 23 because she's got a whole side, Lorena, of all her pictures, her little hat. I've got a box of everything that she wore when we changed her after birth in the 24 hours that I had her. But I don't want LaRose to grieve or not understand something so young to be upset. She doesn't need to. You were talking about protecting her peace. Yeah. Who is protecting your peace? No one. No one, it's just me. Yeah. That's a really, really heavy load to carry, Laura. No, I know. Yeah. It is hard and I think it does affect everything. like I go through phases and I'm like right come on you can do this like go back to the gym be healthy but the trauma I'm holding on to I'm in fight or flight so I'm holding on to everything and you think the media and everyone would back off and be like this girl's been through a lot they don't care I went to say it recently and I don't want to talk about it but I just thought what is going on like I'm dragged into something that's really not fair and I'm like I'm struggling so much in life and I'm just getting thrown more more shit more shit yeah here's another

33:48Lauren Goodger: load of turds but you but you are going and you're doing such a good job to keep going yeah because I can't I can't imagine I'm sitting here you know and you saying I'm telling you my story and this is my story is unbelievable. But you'd think that you would get, this is what really, really fucks me off about the way that the media spins stories. For goodness sake, you've lost your child. I know. I lost everything in a long go. I broke up with the dad. Yeah. I've lost family and friends through it. I've lost people that have not been there for me. I've been betrayed. There was a lot. Do you think that you lost family and friends because they couldn't hold the grief?

34:27Do you think, because it's very difficult, I think, somebody that hasn't been through it to be like, I can check in on you. Yeah. But how does anybody really support you during the dark? I've given up a lot. Listen, I don't hate anyone and I just don't. But there's certain people, I've become this woman that has very strong boundaries. And if you're not there and you show up and you, you know, treat me and my daughter with respect, then that's it. so I might be maybe too hard that way I don't know but even like I've got very close family that I love and I wish them the best but they will never be in my life again yeah okay yeah okay and that is because I've got a four-year-old daughter yeah and she doesn't know you exist and you made the choice to not make effort with me there's one of me there's all of you I have this beautiful daughter and you've missed out and because you've took sides or you've whatever I don't know what the situation is you haven't been there for me and listened to me it's all been about I've not made effort with views but it's like I've got enough going on yeah and if you really wanted to have that relationship I would have had that relationship yeah has it left you with I mean I imagine it's left you with trust really not knowing who to trust you know I've not moved on.

35:53I've not been with anyone else since. I just can't be bothered. I just don't want to. I'm with La Rose. She sleeps with me. And I just don't have time. Listen, I don't want to be on my own forever. Because like you said, who have I got? I've got some amazing friends. Yeah, one's here today. There she is. I've got some amazing friends. And friends are like family. And it all stems from that four-year-old. that was changed from one house to another. And as soon as I was old enough to move out, I did. And that, sorry, I was just going to ask, was that at 16, sort of? Yeah, I think, yeah. Even younger at some times.

36:38And I wish, listen, I thankfully have very lucky in the jobs that I've had. It hasn't been easy. It's actually not that nice most of the time. but I wish I had a me as a person behind me which I'm going to do for my daughter.

36:55Lauren Goodger: We'll be right back after this short break.

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38:43Welcome back to this episode of Made by Mamas. Now, where were we?

38:47Lauren Goodger: What do you hope for you and your daughter in the future? What would you like life to look like? Ideally, I would love to be married. I would love to have more children. I'd love to move out to the countryside and just have a nice, normal life. fame doesn't mean anything to me I do this job because I need money and I've got support I'm a single parent Charlie is in our life and he's a good dad but alternately I am the main the primary care and I just want a peaceful life and I don't know when that's going to be how that's going to be but I just want her to have the most beautiful her childhood is in my hands and I feel like I just want to give her everything that I didn't have.

39:40Listen, I know my mum, she loves me and it wasn't out of a place where she didn't care. It was a different circumstance, but I just want, I don't want La Rose to experience any of that, wanting to be with your mum or miss you. That's why I keep the dads around and we do things. Wrong or right, people might not agree with it. Friends probably don't like it, but it's for La Rose. Yeah, of course. And it's hard to roll the front of the place.

40:04Lauren Goodger: Yeah, it's all for her. Yeah, and as hard as it can be to do that, you are doing everything you can for La Rose. And a lot of people can't do that. A lot of people aren't grown up enough to do that. No, no. Isn't it amazing about turning so much pain into something that's going to be so beneficial for that tiny human that you're raising? Because it could have gone the other way, right? We are inherently looking to our parents as the shepherds to guide us. And if they fuck us up, intentionally or not intentionally, We could pass that on to our children. Completely a car crash. Yeah, it could be a car crash.

40:37So the fact that you've come out of it the other side and done the opposite is quite remarkable. And hard. It's been very lonely. A very lonely time. That's what I say. At 24, I felt my loneliest. I felt like every day. I could be indoors for 10 days and no one would know. Was that the darkest time? Yeah. And another fear that I've got, which is silly, I've got this fear that something's going to happen to me and LaRose is going to be on her own. So we have an iPad that I leave on the kitchen side that she knows how to call. It's ridiculous. Nothing's going to happen to me. But my head every night, my heart races and I think I'm going to have a heart attack.

41:18Like something's going to happen to me because I've been through so much and so much stress. I feel like my body is just not, I'm not going to wake up. That's my biggest fear. It's not even dying. it's leaving La Rose on our own. I'm terrified of it.

41:32Lauren Goodger: Because you're holding such a big responsibility. Yeah, and because it's just us in the house. And we don't really get many visitors or stuff. So obviously I speak to friends and people come round, but I could be at home for two weeks and no one would know if any of it happened to me. So have you sat down and spoken to, have you ever done therapy since losing? This is a thing. I started yes I did speak but it just doesn't work for me does it not I just don't I didn't think I was ready I've done all different things then I started doing hypnotherapy yeah because I'm very much of the future I don't want to talk about the past um I don't know if that's wrong or right I don't know what you know but I'm very much like I know what's gone on I don't need to speak about it I know I'm doing it now this is like therapy but it's more the fact of I'm like let's talk about the future what are we going to do, what's the plan that's me and doing therapy I don't want to relive it I don't want to this is one podcast this is hard but I'm telling my story but doing therapy I don't think I can do it if that makes sense that is the hardest moment going to those deaths and I don't trust anyone Right, okay.

42:53So I don't really want to tell everyone everything. Do you know what I mean? Obviously, I'm very open today and I'm in my book. I'm very open. This is exciting that you've written the book. Yeah, but that's like therapy for me. And it's there. It's going to be in this book. I haven't finished it yet. Title? It has been very difficult. Working title? Mum of Two. Is that what the book's going to be called? Yeah, Mum of Two. Yeah, and it's just about love and... Grief and loss, but also a beautiful story in there because becoming a mum and what it did to me and how it changed me. But the saddest part is actually not having anyone.

43:33That's the hardest bit that a lot of people in life have lost, unfortunately, their baby. But it's having the partner there or the mum and the dad and it's having a support network. But I don't have that. How did it impact Charlie? Oh, he's a lot younger as well. so and his family all live up north he's actually from Surrey originally and so his family but they all lived up north a few years ago he's now living in Essex on his own because he wants to be near La Rose so that's hard he went through a terrible time and I can't speak for him because obviously you know but I can imagine it changed him, it's completely changed him it's changed us both in different ways how do you think it's changed you as a person it's i just going through such a traumatic experience coming home without your baby to an empty house where everything's ready and being so on your own and mentally and physically exhausted and having to deal i had pacts outside the house for two weeks and i just it it's like there was there's no respect of privacy they write what they want to write it was all based on my ex and all that stuff and i was like i can't cope i cannot cope um but i did cope yeah and and um i'm coming back stronger which i'm grateful for but it's not happened this is not easy it took me four years to go right come on you can do this now this is why i went back to tailway because it's where i start here let's talk about yeah let's talk about what you're doing now into the show yeah i've gone back i can't believe this because let's we'll fill the listeners in on this because we met when what 15 maybe more well i think 2011 2012 2011 yeah just around the time yeah exactly okay 2011 so how many years ago It was about 15 years ago.

45:43Yeah. And you were in the show. Yeah. Main character. Yeah. Main character energy. It was all drama. Yeah. Wow. I wish I could go back to that. To you? Yeah. I don't, but I don't. I say that now and I'm like, could I do that again? No, I couldn't. But you're back in the show. Back in the show. And obviously it's a very different experience now. Back then, my relationship sent out to people that was, the whole show was based about their relationship. That was very intense. But I was young, I was 22. Did they put the show together because of your relationship? Yeah. Because it was about you two, wasn't it?

46:24Yes, it was, yeah. Yeah, it was. So the producers actually walked the streets of Essex and went to every club, cafe, bar for about eight months. So originally it was going to be a documentary. Yeah. It was going to be The West Essex Life or something like that. and then they made it more like The Hills. Yeah. I don't know if you remember The Hills. Oh, I love The Hills. I watch it now and I'm feeling sad. No, no. Is it on now? Well, I just watched reruns of it. Oh, the old ones. Oh, yeah. And it, yeah, and they just said my name, my ex's name, and then a few others, like Arjun, people like that.

47:01Yeah. And they said, well, these people have been together, the famous 10 years, and, yeah, it formed a show. Wow.

47:11Lauren Goodger: Yeah, did you not know that? No, I didn't know. I still remember because I used to go out. I'm not from Essex. I'm there now. But I did used to go to like 195 and Faces and what's the other? Faces? Yeah, did you go there? Oh, the Sugar Hut. Did you go to Sugar Hut? We went to Sugar Hut. So I never went to Sugar Hut. I was more Faces, 195, London. 105, yes. Right. But Sugar Hut, the odd, it was more for filming. Yeah. Because that was like, yeah, it was still good. But 195, Faces, Noobar. Nuba oh my god you're crammed in like this loved it the best oh my god they're the best years of my life yeah that was so much fun so much fun honestly I just Leroy's never going to experience that era because it's just not what it was when we were young you could literally go to a pub called the King William on a sassy day and you'd go out from there everyone would go out to the club just have the best time ever but you could turn up somewhere and not know like not have arranged it yeah everyone was there yeah everyone was was always out.

48:10Yeah. And you just bumped into everyone from the area, even if it was a London event. You just, you just, everyone was there, just such a good time. Was it, was it real life? As in, I just couldn't get over the, I loved the drama so much. I remember like, getting into bed and being like, Towie, here we go. I was going to kick off. Yeah. Is it like that now? No. On the show? Do you know what? I feel like the show's gone more drama than it has relationships. Right. It's really weird because I feel like the drama today is more, a bit more personal, a bit more nastier. Right. But back then it was a real drama, but you could say so much more that was allowed.

48:48Right. Does that make sense? Yes. So that's what made it brilliant because you could actually say things that would never be signed off now. No. You wouldn't be allowed.

48:58Lauren Goodger: What do you hope you bring to the show now, this time? So, yeah, I basically am the big sister on the show and I'll give everyone advice. I tell everyone off, but I'm the mediator. Okay. So I've been there and I've done it. So all this bickering and this rowing, just forget it. It's pointless. Come to Auntie Lauren. Yeah, that's it. And I'm everyone's friends. So I don't, yeah, I don't want the drama. I don't get involved in anything. I'm literally just there to bring a bit of old school Towie back. Because of my name on the show, they like that. They're really good with me. Is anyone else back in the show?

49:34Is Arge in it? What about Arge? Is he back? He pops in and out. So what I'll do, say we've got an event, it's Christmas, he'll sing at our big event. Yeah. Stuff like that. But I would love to get Gemma back. I've tried. She doesn't want to? No, she wants like a million pounds a day or something ridiculous. Oh, she does. She's the GC. She's the diva. Give her a million weeks. Give her a million weeks. Come on. I love Gemma. Do you know, she's the only one out of everyone that sent me flowers when I lost Lorena. That really meant a lot. Yeah. You know. Lydia would be great back on the show. Lydia, Joey Essex.

50:06Yeah. Oh, that's a bit joddy. Yeah, Joey. We're all getting old. Yeah, let's do it.

50:10Lauren Goodger: You should do Towie Plus. Yeah, you should. Yeah. Because then all of the original Towie watchers could watch it. Yeah. Because we'd be able to relate. Exactly. That would be great. But I feel like. I'd love that. Yeah, we're all, the cast now, you know, I do sort of know more. I've become, it's brought my confidence back again. Oh, good. That's why I went back. Because I thought, this is what I know. It's really easy. and I've just, when I first started in 23, oh my God, I didn't know how to dress, I didn't know how to do my makeup. I completely lost myself. Have you been in it for three years?

50:44When did I go back? No, two years, isn't it?

50:47Lauren Goodger: Two years. January. 23, you said. 23. Where are we now? 26, no? Is it 23? I've been back two years in January. 24. Yeah. And I just was not okay. I was like, full of anxiety. I've been like, no, I can't do this. But I've stuck with it. Well done. I've stuck with it and it's really helped. It's so good. It helped me. I guess we can feel the strength and the vulnerability here today. And it's shining. And the way that you're mothering your amazing little girl is really inspirational, Lauren. So thank you. I appreciate that. We ask our guests on the podcast the piece of advice that they would like to share with a parent from their own experience.

51:27What would yours be? I feel like don't put too much pressure on yourself. Everything you see on Instagram is not real. everyone every child's different every mother different every father's different just do what feels right you and your baby there's no rules and I feel like don't put so much pressure on stress and just enjoy it they grow so quickly this is actually because one of my friends is pregnant and she's really struggling and I just said it's not forever and it goes so quick and just enjoy it and everything looks great on social media but actually we're just real mums and we're all the same at the end of the day.

52:04Absolutely.

52:05Lauren Goodger: And just for anyone listening who has a friend who is going through something awful, you said Gemma sending you flowers meant so much. What advice could you give to them, you know, to support a friend, to be there for a friend? Yeah, and any things that they could do. Yeah, I think personally for me, it's just being present. I don't want you to do anything. I just want you to be present. hold my hand give me a cuddle have a sleepover that's what I wanted it's just the little things that I needed and I feel like in my life I've always been the boss and like right independent and I just want to lean and not not have to do anything and just be looked after for a minute and yeah do you know what does that make sense yeah it absolutely makes sense and because I'm always like right routine and a mum life and and i just want to be able to you want someone to hold you yeah so i think yeah giving a friend advice it's just being there that's it in person not calls not whatsapp it's just being there even if it's for a cup of tea even if you consciously say look every tuesday five i'm gonna pop around for a cup of tea for an hour and you know you've got that to look forward to especially being a new mum you don't you just don't want to go anywhere where some mums do great, amazing, but some don't.

53:26And I feel like just having that little date, even at home to look forward to, is nice.

53:32Lauren Goodger: Yeah, I love that. And on that note, we are going to say the biggest, warmest, most loved day. Yeah, thank you. Goodbye and a hug. Thank you so much for being so amazing today. Thank you. Lauren, good job. You were so good.

53:46We just wanted to take a moment to say the biggest thank you to Lauren for coming on and for sharing it so bravely. there aren't really any more words.

53:55Lauren Goodger: No, just please go and show her some love. Yeah. Because I think she's had a tough time. Yeah. And I think, you know, even if you've listened to this and, you know, you just want to basically tell her how strong she is or how amazing she is and to keep going, whatever it is, please do it. Yeah. I think it really will mean a lot. Yeah. Thank you for listening to today's podcast. And if you also think that somebody in your life needs to hear that conversation today, send it to them. Yeah. because I think that's really important as well. And let's get rounder. As always, we'd love you to rate, review, subscribe and please give the podcast a follow.

54:29Lauren Goodger: Yeah, and if you've got any feedback on this episode or guests you'd like to hear from, drop us a DM on Instagram. We're on at Made by Mamas and we'll be back on Friday.

54:44With its two juicy beef patties, three slices of melted cheese and tangy Big Arch sauce, the Big Arch is what happens when you start making a McDonald's burger and never stop. The Big Arch, the most McDonald's McDonald's burger yet for a limited time. Tonight, I'd like to transport you to Night Falls, a mystical place where a luminescent waterfall glimmers in a starlit clearing amongst ancient pines. You can join me here every Sunday and Tuesday with a podcast of bedtime stories created to help you fall asleep easily. There's truly nothing more relaxing than a story told by Firelight. So search Nightfall's Bedtime Stories on your favourite podcast player and gather around the fire for a soothing tale tonight.