Suzie Bonaldi On Posting Her Unfiltered Postpartum Body Online

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0:31it takes the hits runs the miles rebuilds while you sleep it's felt every fall every dance floor every belly laugh and in return it asks for nothing it just keeps going i'm ellie taylor and this is back your body the podcast from holland and barrett that's all about the most loyal relationship you'll ever have the one you have with your body from scars to self-care the bits you love and the bits you've learned to love we're talking to people about the bodies they live in, how they've pushed them, neglected them, rebuilt them, or finally learned to listen to them. It's time to back your body the way it's always back to you.

1:07Back your body. Subscribe now, your body will thank you. Hello and welcome to Made by Mamas, the podcast. I'm Zoe Hardman. And I'm Georgia Dayton. And this is your parenting safe space where no conversation is off limits. With five kids between G and I, we have seen a lot. We really have. Each week, we'll be joined by some famous faces and experts, and we'll chat about the brands and products that have saved us along the way. In short, we're the parenting podcast for you. Before we get started, hit subscribe or follow so you're the first to know when each episode lands. And they're on Tuesdays and Fridays.

1:43And it really helps if you leave a rating and a review. You can also find us on Instagram. We're on at Made by Mummers. But for now, George, should we get into it? Georgia! Hey! Hey, how are you? Can I just say, obviously, people can't see you, but you've got your hair tied back and you look beautiful. Got a ponytail going on. Why don't you wear your hair up more? I don't know. I really don't know. I just don't. I think I did as a teenager and then it just scarred me. I had the Croydon facelift. It's the same as those brown shoes from your uniform. Yes, it is. It is. There are certain things you just don't do.

2:21Also, I didn't wear hoop earrings for years. Big ones. Yeah, because it made me feel like a teenager. I have gone to hoops now again. But it's just, you know, maybe I will wear my hair up a little bit more. You look lovely anyway. Thanks. So do you. Although I can't see you because my countryside internet is so horrific. You're so country these days. How are you doing? How was your weekend? I'm good. My weekend was really full on. It was Gigi's seventh birthday. what and I had 12 girls back after school on Friday and I did a craft party for them and I hadn't anticipated quite how difficult seven-year-old girls are like it was they didn't stop rowing with each other I think out of the 12 eight cried I'd say oh my god it's like an episode of Selling Sunset.

3:18Yeah, no, no, it is. And then, you know, they sort of go off. I had to do little breaks in between each thing. They were like decorating a t-shirt. And then I was like, right, go off, go and have like 10 minute break, play in the garden. And then they'd come in and be like, well, she is being rude to me and I want her to go home. And I was like, right, well, no one's going home. And then one girl said, could you do the cake now? Because I want to go home because all these girls are being horrible, but I don't want to miss the cake. Wow. Right. Yes. It's really interesting that you say that actually, because there was a party that Luna went to at the weekend and she's got such a lovely, beautiful set of girlfriends.

3:55They're really sporty. They really look after each other. They really got each other's back. But what I've noticed in the last couple of weeks is that the girl dynamic is starting to enter the group chat. And I thought they would miss it. I was like, these girls are solid. They're not going to be that group because I noticed it a little bit with Isla. She's navigated her way through it. She's 13 now. But I thought at nine, surely it's not going to happen at this age. And it is. And it's like when Luna explains it to me, it's so basic, but it must be the start of how girls are pitted against one another.

4:30And that inherent feeling of kind of like, oh, well, then she said this and she didn't come to me when I was really sad. So, you know, I'm really cross with her. What is that? I don't know. It's so weird to like try and, I mean, Gigi's been like it for years, to be fair. There's always been, well, she's not coming to my party anymore because she was rude. And then you say, well, how is she rude? She's, well, she said she didn't like my game. And you're like, right, okay. So there has always been that. But I wonder what that is. Why do they sort of jump to these wild conclusions over things that are actually really normal?

5:09Do you know what? I think, so Doz has got an opinion on it. He thinks that the playground is where they experiment with all of those big emotions that come up. And it's sort of an essential part of growing up, as in it sets you up for stuff that happens in life, right? Adult life, yeah. But I wonder if it's just a necessary evil or if there's a way of kind of really trying to teach them to navigate. I'm really trying to teach Luna to navigate her way around it, to really be loyal, to never say anything nasty about another person. And I'm having those conversations with her quite a lot at the moment.

5:46And she said, yeah, I just feel like I'm the go-between. And I'm having to really kind of like help my friends out and keep them together. And that's also a bit of a pressure for her. Yeah, that is hard. But listen, man, it will be interesting to do a podcast on it. Yeah, actually, because we've done lots on boys, haven't we? And raising boys. But we've never really gone into the girl, like the girl dynamic and the sort of dramas. But yeah, I think it happens across the board at all ages. One mum on Saturday said she's got a teenage daughter. And she said this has been her first real experience of that whole girl fallout.

6:19And she said, one comment, she said, it never ends, does it? And I was like, really? Really? Okay, great. luckily and beautifully you and I have an amazing set of girlfriends it did take me a long time to find my tribe though and and it I definitely didn't have harmony at school with other girls I was definitely in the firing line for a lot of comments and a feeling of being left out and never really trusting who was going to be my my solid kind of girl crew it took a long time I always felt more comfort and stability with the boys because I found them more simple it was never a sexual relationship or romantic relationship it was just I had the I had a group of guy mates who just treated me better they were just like yeah come and hang out with us it was simple we play sport you know but the girls were always really complicated and I really struggled in that space so listen let's definitely try and find someone to break that apart 100 % would love to do that yeah we need to get on to today's chat which actually leans quite into what we've been talking about in a way lots to do with self-identity and body image and the way we talk to ourselves um i found it fascinating yeah so did i i really did i really enjoyed it and i really enjoyed um obviously we always ask our guests to come on and be honest but i really felt like we dived into a conversation that i didn't necessarily know we were going to be heading into as in i didn't expect that to to come from today's guest and i was so grateful for her honesty we did talk a lot about body image and how she feels about herself and how she has felt about herself postpartum.

7:52And we had a very open and honest discussion around weight and appearance. And yeah, like you said, those comments that we make to ourselves in the mirror before the day has even started. I think this is going to resonate with a lot of people. Georgia, should we get into it? Who are we talking to today? We are chatting to Susie Binaudi. Joining us on the podcast today, one of the OGs of YouTube, which I can't wait to sit down and kind of dive into with today's guest. Content creator, used to be a podcast, although she just said to us, if anybody wants to go in on a co-hosting situation, she's up for the conversation.

8:25Susie Binaldi! Yay! Now, so did ask if you were Italian and you said, no, we haven't got time for that. So we won't go into it. But how's your morning been? What have you been up to? Good. I was woken up at seven o 'clock on the dot by Delilah, which I will never complain about because it's recently changed from 5am 4am to 7am oh thank god I will take it how old is she she's about turn one literally it's her birthday week amazing yeah so I'm feeling very nostalgic in a really good way this week not in a teary way no I was gonna say but there is a quite a poignant moment I think that one brings yes but I feel like for me it's like I'm really happy because it's such a fun stage that she's at.

9:12My husband has nearly cried, I think about three times just in the past week alone. I think he's feeling very nostalgic in like a my baby kind of way, whereas I'm like, we're at one. Great. This is like the best era. She's at her cutest. Yeah. She's sleeping. Finally. Yeah. For everyone who's been up since 4am, you're giving them hope. Yeah. And who has, if you were born without a baby that sleeps, like if, no, if you gave birth to a baby that didn't sleep like I did like there is there is some light at the end of the tunnel so when you say that doesn't sleep were the early wake-ups the thing or was she consistently waking up through the night as in waking up every couple of hours it wasn't even every couple of hours we'd get half an hour if we were lucky in the beginning and it was it's it is a form of torture I believe in some yeah some places in the world and I understand why and I thought I'd be like not too bad but I was not okay with it yeah my husband who's a DJ I thought he'd be amazing on no sleep he was even worse than I was so we were just struggling and he was just looking at me like is this normal like he looks to me for I know a bit more about babies than him still not a lot and he'd be like is this normal do you think there's something wrong with her and I was like I think we just got one that doesn't sleep like it was it was horrific and over time we managed to slowly train her to sleep a bit longer.

10:32We co-slept. It got better and better and better and then it suddenly got worse and worse and worse and worse. And people go, oh, that's the sleep regression and you go, shut up. Don't talk about sleep regression. I feel like there's a four-month regression and then apparently there's actually not many more after that. It's just like illness or development or I don't know what else it is. I can't remember. Someone told me. but we ended up seeing a sleep consultant so i was like i just feel like she is ready to sleep and she's ready to sleep in her big bed we're putting her down in the big bed and she likes sleeping in it but she's just not staying in it the whole night i don't know what to do saw a sleep consultant she changed a few things and literally like the first night i put her down to bed and she woke up at half past six those women right they're consultants they need they need medals wizard they're wizards they're wizards yes it was so good and just since then it's been I think it's we're on like two weeks sleep now amazing sleep although my aura ring is telling me otherwise apparently my sleep quality has just stayed terrible but it's because you're it's because you're not into it yet it will come it definitely will but I'm so pleased for you because that not having any sleep is absolutely horrific and finding a solution is amazing Yeah.

11:52And in the beginning as well, it was just, we were split shifts throughout the night. She wouldn't really sleep unless she was held. I was then trying, she'd sleep better for me. If I put her down in her Moses basket and stayed nearby, she'd stay down a little bit longer. And I'm talking maybe like 15 minutes longer. Oh God. And then as soon as it was Ryan's shift and I disappeared from the room, it's like, she could tell I wasn't even breastfeeding, couldn't breastfeed. So like she, it wasn't like she couldn't smell me, but maybe she could, I don't know she was just like I know you've left the room and dad's now in here and I'm not okay with that so then she'd be awake from like 3 a.m that's a lot of pressure for you yeah how does that how did that feel like when you've ultimately got the responsibility um honestly I think when I think back we just were I didn't I didn't feel anything I was just really I think I was still in shock from birth I was tired I was trying to like carry the energy because my husband was really really struggling as well because I think we both had an idea of what having a baby would be and it was not what we had yeah like we're both we love our sleep we were good sleepers as babies so we were expecting like a baby like us and we did not get a baby she's like amazing full of energy so so clever but she didn't want to sleep like she wanted to party all night and bless her like at least she's she's learned now she's like when we wake her up from a nap she's like you did this to us also it's absolutely okay for you to say that I think there's so much um feeling around not being able to even complain for a second about the fact that you haven't had it and I love to complain I actually do but you're not complaining you're explaining another reality of your first year of parenting that is really really hard yeah you know but everyone's like oh but it's okay because you've got a baby it's like you know I've got a baby who doesn't sleep what do you want me to sketch you a drawing ballpark like you're playing football in different pitches if you've got a baby that doesn't sleep yes you have and I think that whenever I talk to a friend that's like I know I've got a baby that eats amazingly well and some of my friends have not got like they're stressed because their babies are not eating and I'm like that's also yeah we're not parenting from the same position and I can't I'm never going to be like just try a different food like there's something that they are dealing with that's completely different to what I'm dealing with so when people are like just try this and I'll be like listen she just doesn't want to sleep like there is nothing I can do and eventually we did find ways to get her to sleep and like she we trained her to sleep in the pram and then it was she would fall asleep in the pram in the house but not a cot so we were like fine put her down in the pram put the pram in the nursery she put herself to sleep put the pram next to the cot cool put her in the cot yeah she's all right with that yeah we were slowly slowly getting there and we were just missing like a piece of the puzzle and yeah we got there eventually it was stunning oh we're celebrating for you today before we get into our kind of conversation around motherhood take us back to being one of the ogs of youtube and how that started for you it's so fun like it was very unexpected because it wasn't a job like it was like a hobby i remember i did it to have something to put on my CV because I wanted to work in marketing I'd gone from working with children deciding that that wasn't quite for me got an opening in a marketing department marketing nepo baby because it was because of my mum and I remember really trying to hide it when I was younger now I'm like I'm just a nepo baby it's fine um and I wanted something to put on my CV for future job applications to make me stand out and I was like right I'm just gonna I love shopping I'm gonna show what I buy on YouTube like how fun is that and then I realized it could be a job and people were making some people were making money from it yeah and I remember I was like 21 and saying to my dad like I think this could be a job in the future and he's like looking at me like my child is delusional what am I gonna do with her and I was like if I can make enough money I'm gonna make this my job and he's like don't quit your job ever like have two incomes such a dad coin yeah especially like he's from an era where he was self-employed so he's like all he wanted for me was a stable to be employed what year was this

16:12what year was it it was the year 20 oh my god 2011 oh right wow so are we talking your sort of tanya burr jim chapman yeah those zoe's the brick crew yeah yeah we're having like the most fun and i was like this is like they're killing it this is amazing so yeah i was doing my events it was like event staffing and management job which i did for three years um and i was doing that full time and then my blog like in the evening on lunch breaks on a saturday night i'd be up until three in the morning because I'd have filmed my my Saturday routine was like wake up film a video like a sit down video because they don't really exist anymore but it's all about the vlogs now yeah and then I would go out take some pictures for my blogs my blog throughout the day end up editing have dinner carry on editing and sometimes if it was a really intense edit like lots of little choppy bits because back then we were working on like not on phones and it wasn't like it was hard to do tiny choppy bits yeah so I'd be doing that on a laptop which is really fiddly until one two three in the morning upload info box thumbnail when you get onto the thumbnail and you're like it's gone midnight I'm so tired and then I'd schedule that for 8am and sometimes I'd be like why have I even bothered scheduling this I could just stay up wow and put it live and you were 21 what were you doing at 21 I definitely wasn't staying up on like vlog in fact if I started vlogging what I was up to at 21 on a Saturday night I definitely would have No, I didn't have that much fun.

17:49I ended up having that much fun later in my 20s, which actually I think is better because I had a bit more money. I was going to say you had more money. I had because I had more money. There was a bit too much freedom, I think, when I did go through my party era. I was like, I can just go out on Tuesday night. It's fine. And then rock up to work tomorrow, rock up to shoots for brands and just be like, yeah, I was out until 3 in the morning, but it's fine. Great. I'm so glad you had that, though, because lots of people did. Yes. Yeah, I mean, no. And do you think that doing YouTube did impact how you grew up?

18:23Yes. Well, I think how I grew up impacted YouTube because I was so introverted. Right. And I wasn't very confident early on. And actually being in my bedroom talking to a camera was very easy. I think that's the same for everyone that started in that era. No one got into it because they were confident. The confident people were out doing something else or like working or going out. and the introverts were in their bedrooms like I was part of the MySpace generation and like learned to code and all of that that was what the introverts were doing and I was just in my bedroom making little videos begging my mom and dad not to vacuum whilst I was mid-filming because they loved doing that and moved out very quickly because I was like actually how my mom and dad like to live their life and what I need to like pursue this yeah that we're not working harmoniously together and it was straining my relationship with my parents and like they didn't want me to move up I was like guys it's time gotta go YouTube's working out for one at a time I think you got your confidence from YouTube rather than because it then forced me into social situations I'd never been in work was really helping with that as well because I doing event stuff I did have to rock up to things and like be part of the team that was in charge um and I loved that and that was really helpful but YouTube then gave me this confidence because I had something else that was like my entire personality but it like let me yeah feel a bit I don't know feel special sounds silly but like I felt confident because I had something to me that wasn't just just my job and it wasn't I like to read um so there was just something I had that made me interesting when I was talking to people yeah and it made me more confident and then you'd have to do like I remember I did a live stream with I think it was like Clinique and Cosmopolitan and I was like in my early 20s and I had a piece in my ear and I had to like hold this this live and at the time no one was doing lives this was for like a web stream not like Instagram or anything and I had to be confident enough to like carry that entire thing alongside one other journalist and the situations I was thrown into were crazy but I think that really helped we'll be right back after this short break

20:40It takes the hits, runs the miles, rebuilds while you sleep. It's felt every fall, every dance floor, every belly laugh. And in return, it asks for nothing. It just keeps going. I'm Ellie Taylor and this is Back Your Body, the podcast from Holland and Barrett that's all about the most loyal relationship you'll ever have. The one you have with your body. From scars to self-care, the bits you love and the bits you've learned to love. We're talking to people about the bodies they live in, how they've pushed them, neglected them, rebuilt them, or finally learned to listen to them. It's time to back your body the way it's always back to you.

21:16Back your body. Subscribe now, your body will thank you.

21:23Welcome back to this episode of Made by Mamas. Now, where were we? Being somebody who struggled with their confidence, you know, in your early 20s, Was there anything about being online that made you feel more vulnerable or, you know, could it potentially have been more damaging? Because, you know, we're in a world now where we talk about the trolling. And, you know, in fact, today the government have said they're now banning social media for under 16. Star must come out and should. So talk to us about, you know, the sort of more damaging side of putting yourself out there the way that you did.

21:54yeah I think it's like largely you know you're always going to get lots of elements of your life be judged and I think I have grown a thick skin to that over the years but the one thing that I think I've only just really made my peace with is the body image aspect of it because having yourself literally circled because obviously there are the web places where people like to go and write nasty things about you i'm not even gonna name it what are they that like the forums this is it they've been taken down now yeah i don't know if they've been taken i don't look yeah i feel like i read something that's been taken down google the word because yeah the name of it because it oh i never i don't want to go on and look at that no no no no but i've seen parts of myself be circled i remember early on like i didn't realize these places existed but people were like emailing me like screen grabs of it and like parts of me being circled and even like a few summers ago I remember someone forwarded me like a screenshot and it was like people one of my friends have videoed her birthday party and people were talking about the size of my bum oh my god which I've just I've got a good bum okay and it doesn't matter what size I am my bum is always the main event of an outfit and they people are like there's no way she can be that size and have that bum and it I do I just do but it's always been something I had such a complex yeah about and since I got pregnant and then had this whole kind of body journey after being pregnant it's completely changed the way I'm like I'm never letting anyone make me feel bad about my body ever again because it was absolutely banging before it's still good now but it was I look back and I'm like wow I did not understand what I had and like it was incredible yeah and I let people make me feel bad for that body yeah I'm like how dare you yeah if anyone does it to me now I will hunt you down I will find your addresses and I will hunt you down and I'm gonna leave a tree on your doorstep because like no one is ever letting me feel bad about my body ever again but you know what is so interesting you're talking about that as an adult so you were in your 20s and people felt like you know made you feel like that about your body and that's why the social media ban for so I mean there's so many reasons why you know it's a positive thing but that for me just really sort of solidifies that because on a smaller scale you might have a teenage girl who's just posting pictures at a party yeah and and there might be she might have 50 people following her not many but two of them might say oh that you know that looks awful and that would stay and that would be for a teenager and you're someone in your 20s and it's still like and it's you know what george that's a good point but it's it's not just on social media you know i am so fed up with people commenting on other people's appearance and bodies i have had enough of it i It happened to me in a coffee shop at the weekend where somebody who owns this coffee shop has been lovely to me for a long time.

25:02And when I walked in, she said, what's happened to you? You've, you're too skinny. You've lost the pretty. And I was in front of my children. She went, you've lost so much weight. And I said, I said, can I just stop you right there? I said, please don't ever comment on my body, but don't do it in front of my kids. And my Luna grabbed my hand like that. And she just went, are you okay, mummy? And I just thought, do you know what? How dare you? even if I have lost a bit of rate you've no idea what's going on in my life but don't comment on that why don't you ask me how I am yeah it happens globally we feel we can comment and pick people's appearances apart and it has got to stop yeah you know it's so damaging yeah it's hard because like sometimes I want to hype someone up for their body and I'm like am I still feeding into this yeah way yeah yeah and like that's that's really hard but I just think obviously saying anything negative about someone is a hard no like some of my friends say they have lost weight I'm like babes are we doing okay like I'm asking about them as their general well-being I'm not going to be like yeah it's a bit too yeah it's just a route there's a there's a way to like speak to people and you know if you know if something comes from a caring place and if something doesn't and I would say nine times out of ten on social media it doesn't come from a caring place because I've seen messages when I during lockdown I was very thin because I was so stressed like being locked in your house but needing to work and still needing to like I had to try and work alongside a DJ so he likes to make noise and I'd like to have a quiet house so that I can vlog and like it was so stressful and money is stressful and I just bought a house and like I was tiny and I would get messages some people being like you look vile and then some people being like I just want to check you're okay like it's a really stressful time for everyone and there's different ways to absolutely there is a different way to speak to someone when it's out of concern yeah absolutely and how do you try and combat that noise because a lot of your videos you know since having the baby or postpartum body your recovery I saw one that you posted um I'm not sure exactly when it was but it was it was about your post c-section recovery yeah um so you're working on that for a long time yeah you've been working on that for a long time but what's the what's the purpose what what are you trying to achieve with that I think for one I posted like my the actual visual of my body journey the other day and that's currently doing quite well on social media but the reason my purpose for that wasn't in a showy off way it was more in a I'd never seen a postpartum body in because we kind of like to hide ourselves in these stages you're not necessarily feeling good about yourself yeah you're not going to put it online you know for me filming those clips where I'm like three months I didn't actually do it one one or two months because I couldn't actually couldn't look at myself I was even just I couldn't look at the scar it made me feel really uncomfortable to look at I didn't want a c-section I actually wanted a home bath so yeah I really got the complete opposite um and I was dealing with a lot of things around that a lot of like my nervous system was completely dysregulated so mentally I was in a state and when I felt ready enough I was like I'm gonna film it and I might do nothing with it but I might do something with it because actually I've not seen people post what their bodies look like postpartum and actually I think if I'd have known this I would have if what it could look like I wouldn't feel as shocked because I remember after the baby came out I was like wait why do I still look pregnant I know what is this yeah and I just am I one of my friends I love her this is great for her but two weeks after and I think it was actually she had a c-section and as soon as they took her baby boy out stomach was flat and I was like wait sorry did she get a free tummy tuck what is the I don't understand why didn't that that not happen to me and I didn't realize that all the bodies are so different like what happens to one person won't happen to you and I just wanted to put something out there not as a this is the standard that you should meet but this is an example of a body that didn't recover quickly and it didn't recover slowly it was somewhere in between I think what is probably a very normal average maybe postpartum journey um and I really wanted people to have that especially like if you haven't had a baby yet you don't know what it looks like if you're pregnant you don't know what it's gonna maybe look like after just to like give some level of expectation because all I'd seen was influencers posting there was one girl especially who did a nine months out nine days nine months in nine days out post and I remember looking at a flat stomach that always had abs again and I was just like but that is again that is the reality isn't it which is that no it's so interesting but we we don't we don't hate that do we because because that is exactly what she went through no I love that for her like if you can fit back into your old clothes fantastic but it doesn't have to buy anything new but does it what it do what does what it is what it does hold on can i smell toast does it do kind of give does it give us that feeling of the unrealistic expectation or can we see that and think well that's one person's journey but it might not be mine you would hope that right but i do think it depends i always say to people like what we think about someone negatively or positively is just a reflection of our what's going on in our brains it's not actually them so if someone thinks something good about you it's a reflection of them and their mental state and if someone thinks something bad about you it's still a reflect it's not actually to do with you some people could love me and think I'm literally like mother Teresa fact check I'm I'm not yeah people can think I'm the worst person in the world I'm also not that like it depends on the frame of mind they're coming from and I do think as well online you mainly see whatever it looks like whether it looks like you know someone who still looks pregnant eight months after giving birth or someone who has a flat tummy eight minutes after giving birth it usually comes from a place of confidence and whoever is posting that is confident with how they look they're happy with how they look yeah I just think you can't yeah and so when you and I think that's the thing that people find difficult is when they look at, particularly the other way, if you still look pregnant after a longer time, someone showing, this is me, I still look pregnant, but I'm confident.

31:36I think if you're not, that's when you start to question it because you're like, oh, well, look at them. They're all confident. However they look, they look, they're so happy with how their bodies look, whether it's skinny, not skinny, you know, whatever it is. I think you question it when you're not feeling that way yeah like and I think so by you showing the different stages and how you mentioned like I wasn't confident throughout you can see I'm not in the early ones but this is just what it looks like I look so sad yeah but I was like I was doing it even though I didn't want to do it because I was like this is this is either just going to help me to look back on one day and be like look how far I've come or this might actually help someone like me that needed to see this and not everyone's happy with their body and that's actually fine yeah I think we've got yeah okay and I get someone recently said to me actually wasn't that recently when I think about it's like January but they were like you should be grateful because I was actually having a little moan about myself and my body which is like slap on the back for me but I was like just let me let me feel my feelings like I can two things can be true at the same time I am really grateful exactly for my baby girl I am obsessed with her she's literally the best thing in my life but do I also wish I could fit in to my old clothes yeah and that feeling is okay and do I wish like my body I went from wedding body to pregnant literally in the space of two weeks and like that is a big thing to process it's not like I kind of leveled out after that and then got pregnant I literally went from being the happiest I'd been with myself ever in my life to then just being pregnant, which was okay.

33:16And then postpartum, which is a shock to the system in so many ways. Thank you for saying that. Yeah. Thank you for saying that. It's important. We say it, you know, I remember vividly looking in the mirror after I'd given birth to Luna and I could not stop crying. And that wasn't about how I felt about Luna or my birth experience or how in love I was with being a mother it was just simply I could not look at my body I felt it did not feel like my body yeah because it's like it's so alien to me yeah this isn't this is what I had before my baby and this isn't what I had when I was pregnant I still look great when I was pregnant it's it's honestly it's crazy like you're all jellyish your skin is like my skin is very elastic-y I'm really I'm actually I have to say I have not got a single stretch mark on my belly but it was like paper yeah like crepe paper yeah it was like what should we make today so it was like it was so weird and the texture of it was strange and like if I could see when I walked along that it would like wobble and it was just I just never I've not had a baby before obviously I didn't know that that was what was coming for me and it is a shock I think for so many people we'll be right back after this short break

34:35It takes the hits, runs the miles, rebuilds while you sleep. It's felt every fall, every dance floor, every belly laugh. And in return, it asks for nothing. It just keeps going. I'm Ellie Taylor and this is Back Your Body, the podcast from Holland and Barrett that's all about the most loyal relationship you'll ever have. The one you have with your body. From scars to self-care, the bits you love and the bits you've learned to love, we're talking to people about the bodies they live in, how they've pushed them, neglected them, rebuilt them, or finally learned to listen to them. It's time to back your body the way it's always back to you.

35:11Back your body. Subscribe now. Your body will thank you.

35:18Welcome back to this episode of Made by Mamas. Now, where were we? Why is it so jarring for people that we, when we talk about our bodies, if we don't love them in that moment? This is what I wanted to talk about because I do feel like, especially, you know, we can't really say if we want to lose weight. We can't really, we can say if we're embracing our bigger bodies, that is acceptable, right, to everybody else, you know. But if somebody starts to lose weight for whatever reason, that's always like, oh gosh, is there something wrong with you or you need to eat more food. But we wouldn't walk up to somebody who is bigger and say, are you okay?

35:51you know but we're vulnerable in any space as women can't really ever just be who we want to be at the weight we want to be at regardless of what anyone else's opinion i i really do struggle in this space i do i think it's i think we've almost got to a toxic body positivity movement where it's almost like if you're not happy with your body there's something there's something wrong with you and it was i did really feel like that was the my youtube audience are so lovely and they were really a lot of them I think could really tell that I was struggling with how I looked and like my negative self-talk was like through the roof and I did actually say to them recently I was like something switched in my brain um like a few months back and I was like I just want to say thank you for sticking with me because I have been awful about myself and like negative self-talk through the roof and like only a few of you have made me feel like there was something wrong with me but at the same time like you're going through so much it's not just like I'm negative self-talking myself yeah and I haven't had a baby like I'm just being harsh about a great body like I mentally what I think a lot of people don't understand if you haven't had a baby is your brain chemistry is changing so like you are going through so much like sleep deprivation yes your body has changed like your brain is literally like we rewiring itself and you are gonna feel a bit like weird in your body and like you don't and it's okay to maybe not like it in that moment and feel like now something switched literally overnight and I was like do you know what I'm not where I want to be at but I look great like three months ago and I wasn't at the point that I'm at now like I still did look a little bit pregnant but overnight I was like no no things are fine like this is fine and I think it was just literally you're you adjusting after having a baby and how do you feel we're talking about how we look and how do you feel inside about it all now peaceful like I said like I said something switched overnight and I was like do you know what my body was great before and it's done amazing things and it might not be where I want to be at now but I I'm not gonna let I'm not gonna feel bad about my body anymore I think I was so it was very vulnerable showing up on the internet at a time where I didn't feel confident yeah and I got to this point where I was like do you know what I'm just not gonna feel bad about myself anymore because I felt when I looked amazing like look back at all of these photos of me looking so so hot say it sing it sister I used to feel bad about myself then yeah like this is this is insane and I went do you know what I'm just not not doing it not doing that anymore I'm done and that's not the way I want to raise myself in front of Delilah I want to yes I am going to work on my body because that's what I want to do yeah yeah but I'm going to do it not in a way of like being a weight watcher's mom or I'm just going to like go to the gym lift weights do things that are good for my body and if I end up with a good body as a result of that like a body that I'm happy with as a result of that I don't know what I meant by a good body because yeah because that's the thing it's a body you're happy with and that is a body that I feel comfortable existing in yes but even saying that like overnight for some reason like that switch of deciding not to feel bad about myself anymore I was like I already feel comfortable in this body and like anything I do from now is going to be a plus and that's the mentality I want to have raising a young girl yeah it's like just existing peacefully in your body our children will go through challenges along the way in terms of their appearance and how they feel about themselves what will you say to delilah having been through this period yourself i don't know you haven't quite got that i will uh call me in 13 years i got you on speed though um she's part i mean i would just be that mum that tells her she's perfect like I literally tell her she's perfect every day so hopefully she won't end up with hang-ups from me if anyone at school tells us anything negative about her I'm going down to the house um so I would like to think that hopefully she'll she'll come out of this okay but yeah I will beat up anyone that's okay she's a loyalist arrest me in advance I will be going to talk to their moms like that mama bear that mama bear comes in doesn't it no one's allowed to make her feel bad about herself like sometimes people comment things about her now and I'm like you're never seeing my content again wow never ever great like she's a she's a baby yeah yeah yeah and absolutely and you get to control that and that's amazing would you say that um you've had to let go of a lot of stuff that you maybe were hanging on to before becoming a mom like are you releasing because I often think about myself in that that a lot of the things that I held quite tight before my kids came along I'm now just like like it's I think just like how I used to control things or how I like to be I used to have to like have everything a certain way and now I'm just a bit more sort of fluid with it because I've got these three children and they just bring the joy I think yeah I don't know if that if that relates or um or do you have you always been a bit easy go lucky and kind of I've always been a bit of a mess to be honest so like no no no my house is my house is a mess I'm like chaotically organized so like my husband's never been able to understand it until he came he started coming on press trips with me and he was like wait so we get the itinerary the day before but how do you get organized he's like I finally understand why you're so chaotically organized because in this line of work you can't always be type a organized because you don't actually have yeah what you need to be fully organized so I've always just been a bit be as organized as I can be but like go with the flow and I feel like that actually is really good it ties in really nicely with motherhood because you can only plan so much yeah yeah so I'm I'm quite good at the whole you know the mum thing of like making plans but like it's like okay so she'll wake up at this time but if she doesn't then it could be this time and then nap time will be this time unless she does wake up now so basically I'll see you somewhere between 11 and 2 and like I'm really very good at adapting to that way of motherhood whereas some of my friends they're like but I can't give you a time I don't know I don't know how to do this and then they just don't see people whereas I'm like I'll see you when I see you.

42:22You mentioned your husband was struggling in the beginning where are you at now how is he? He is amazing he I always thought it would be me that's a really anxious parent and He'd be really chilled with like the complete reversal. But I think it's because he's so anxious that I just, I'm like, do you know what? Delilah's going to need one of us to chill. So I'm going to, it's not going to be you clearly. So I'm going to chill out. And all of my friends do say like, you're a lot more chilled out than I thought you'd be. That's great, isn't it? But I think I like to adapt. I'll like adapt to a room as well.

42:55So if people are like high energy and that's what needs to be, if it's like more chill, I'll do that as well. I'll start signing you. what star sign are you a libra yeah libra so you've got people pleaser um annoyingly we are very much nearly at the end of our beautiful conversation I feel like I could have talked forever I know but before you go um we always like to ask our guests for the best piece of advice around parenting that they've ever been given don't listen to parenting advice um might drop unless unless it feels good to you like if someone's coming from a similar situation to you you like where they're at you want to be in a similar place to them take the advice if it feels good to you if it feels wrong don't take it unless you're talking to a sleep consultant and they tell you to get rid of your child's dummy that felt wrong but i did it and it worked here we are well rested or more well rested so like some advice take it but like if it feels if it's just someone giving you unsolicited advice that you didn't ask for or even if you did but you don't like it don't listen to it don't listen yeah you're in charge aren't you yeah it's you and your baby if it feels wrong just don't listen to it and products what products have you been loving this year like a baby for you or the baby any new gadgets um I relied on the Huckleberry app I don't know oh yeah that was my bread and butter for a child that did not sleep right um and I like couldn't work out wake windows I was so sleep deprived try and get me to work out wake windows for like a newborn I couldn't uh not that she actually she never really followed a wake window early on but like three months plus that was our bible up until I would say the last week we've just stopped using it because we actually are like she goes to bed and she wakes up yeah lovely um but that was couldn't have survived without that um and then we're about to pack away the sterilizers and the prep machine and all of that so what about products few like makeup products or brands that you love or there's actually a new clinique product that i'm loving and what is it called daily calm the daily calm foundation i'm wearing it today and it's really like glowy goes on really well with fingers but goes on really well with brushes and they've got blushes that are like the same as well so really dewy yeah i literally said to george today i said have you got the new clinique um they're like the sticks oh no i've got the long pens.

45:18They look like giant Crayolas. Maybe there's a pen version as well. They're like in little, I might have them in my bag if I can show you. They're like little silver pods. Clinique is back. Clinique is back guys. Yeah, I hadn't heard about Clinique for so long and now I'm like twice in a day. Yeah, your skin looks incredible. It does, it really does. I tried the Victoria Beckham Foundation yesterday and well I really liked it but my shade was sold out until august so even if i wanted yeah it was in selfridges and i got a color match and that's how long it was so i'm now really looking for a new foundation and i think i'm gonna try have a little swatch yeah i've got it in my bag yeah august she needs to sort of stuff i mean maybe it's just there but yeah that's crazy i was a seven that's tiktok viral products yeah how annoying and also it's really expensive so it did do me a favor yeah clinic one not as expensive no I'll give that back we're clinic not VB guys thank you so much for coming all the way thank you for having me it's been such a joy I loved where the conversation went today yes I feel like we need a party I know I feel like we just touched the surface well if you want to come back and do a little Q &A on any like beauty or fashion or anything like that as well we're always around because you being the OG let's do it Susie everyone yay thank you I just really really enjoyed it So did I.

46:41And I really found it interesting that, you know, that she's talking about the OG YouTubers. They weren't the confident ones at school in the playground. They found their confidence, you know, with the camera at home. And I do think, you know, we look at social media and all these things in such a negative way, but actually that has given her a lot of confidence. I mean, obviously there's been some real negatives as well, but it gave her a career that she wouldn't have had, you know, had it not been around. And, you know, it's given her a platform and she's been able to go on and do some really cool things.

47:17Yeah, yeah, yeah. Having had that space to kind of be the individual on their own at home. I don't know. Never thought of it like that. So I found that really interesting. Yeah, me too. And I thought it was really interesting around that whole, I didn't realize that, you know, about the unconfident ones. I had a feeling in my mind that anybody that can give, you know, the camera that much time and just kind of share that much of their lives, they must be super confident. So that was an interesting, that was also an interesting point to think that not everything is what you see. No, definitely not.

47:49Not everything is what you think it is. Massive, massive thank you to Susie for coming on and chatting to us the way that she did. and to you guys for listening. It's always such a treat to bring you these podcasts. As always, we'd love you to rate, review, subscribe and please give the podcast a follow so that you don't miss an episode. Yeah, and if you've got any feedback on this episode or guests you'd like to hear from, drop us a DM on Instagram. We're on At Made By Mamas and we'll be back on Friday.

48:23It takes the hits. runs the miles, rebuilds while you sleep. It's felt every fall, every dance floor, every belly laugh. And in return, it asks for nothing. It just keeps going. I'm Ellie Taylor, and this is Back Your Body, the podcast from Holland and Barrett that's all about the most loyal relationship you'll ever have, the one you have with your body. From scars to self-care, the bits you love and the bits you've learned to love, we're talking to people about the bodies they live in, how they've pushed them, neglected them, rebuilt them, or finally learned to listen to them. It's time to back your body the way it's always back to you.

48:58Back your body. Subscribe now. Your body will thank you.