How was Jamie CONCEIVED? Feat. Jamie’s MUM

0:03Well, hello everyone. Welcome back to Nearly Parents podcast. We have a very special episode today because my mum Penny is on the podcast. Hello everybody. She's actually dressing up a baby at the moment. You'll find out a lot more about that in the show. But on the menu today, we also have sex and relationship questions with my mum. We also talk about... Your conception. My conception. I get real about childbirth. You get real about childbirth and of course we have listeners' messages. So buckle up, baby. Enjoy the ride. And welcome to Nearly Parents. Hello, I'm Jamie Lange. And I'm Sophie Lange.

0:39And we've been married for two years. And we're having a baby. Yes, we are. Are you ready? Let's go.

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2:35Well, we have a very special episode for you today. Don't switch off because I'm here, right? But Sophie is not here. She's at her mom's 60th, but we've bought in the reinforcement. Ladies and gentlemen, it's my mom, Patty, on the podcast. Yay! Hello everyone You've come in, Mama, to save the day It's been a while actually, hasn't it? When was the last time you were on? When did I give you a really nice person? After you got married, I haven't been on the progress for a year You haven't been on the progress for a year? No, I think my fame is dwindling Oh, so this is why you've come back on? You're desperate, desperate You've come back on because Sophie is not on today because she's actually in Portugal at her mum's 60th birthday Do you think Okay, give it to me Do you think it is more difficult for someone like Sophie to be pregnant because she has just a body you would die for?

3:29Whereas I never had a body you would die for. So being pregnant was kind of like fine because, you know, actually I didn't. Alexander once said to me, why have you got a baby in your tummy and another in your legs? Alexander being my eldest son. Shall we get it straight into it because we haven't actually spoken about so many things. So, you know, I'm having a baby. No. Yeah, get out of here. I had no idea. No, it's really exciting. Oh, my God. You're going to be a granny. Well, you and Sophie are having a baby. You're not actually having a baby. I'm not having a baby, no. You had one second input into that baby.

4:04I think probably less.

4:08It was at your most stressed time, too, after your marathons. I'm amazed you made a baby. I love that she knows all the details. It's actually hilarious. I know where conception was and everything. Oh, God. Yeah. Okay, let's talk about that for a second, right? Okay. Because having a baby, the process of trying to produce a baby, that is not very sexy. Well, it depends how it happens. Oh, God, I don't think I can actually have this conversation. No, no, no, seriously. If you're trying to make a baby, You're trying to make a baby, yeah. then you're looking at your ovulation chart and you're counting the days and then you're saying, fuck, it's Wednesday, it's 10 o 'clock and we need to do it now.

4:46Yes. That's not very exciting No, that's not exciting But quite a lot of babies are conceived in lust And exciting moments So my question to you Was any of your children conceived in lust? None None I didn't do lust with your dad I don't know why that's funny You've got to remember When I marry your dad I am older than any of my friends. They're all married. I'm 30. I'm the last to get married. I'm absolutely sodding desperate. He's got two children already. You just can't. He's got two girls. And he doesn't really want another child. And so I'm desperately trying to have a baby. There was nothing lustful about it.

5:34It was completely created in desperation. Alexander was conceived in Tibet. One shot. I got him one shot. and Emily was conceived in Nepal one shot one shot I know because I only managed to get in one shot no lust involved it was deception honestly but it's true where was I conceived? Norfolk oh lovely one shot and I always knew when I was pregnant because unlike Sophie I started vomiting like immediately were you really unwell? not for the first week first week was great I would go like oh I'm pregnant This is so exciting. Oh my God. And then I would start being sick and I was sick seven times a day.

6:17I was sick in the middle of the night. I was sick in Waitrose. Every time I got in a car, I was sick. You weren't sick in Waitrose. I was. So embarrassing. Wait, tell me the story. Because everyone thinks you're drunk. And in fact, you've got, and you have to. Who's that lady with. You do this awful thing where you go, sorry, sorry, having a baby, pregnant, you know, I have to. Wait, tell me the story. What happens? You walk into Waitrose. What happens? Well, I'm always, I feel it's like being seasick for seven months, like really seasick. So it's sitting here all the time. And I'm in the aisle with my trolley.

6:45And I think, oh, my God, oh, my God, it's coming. And pregnancy sick, for me, just came, whoop. There's no sort of heaving around or wretching. Whoop, there it is. It just comes. So I always had sick bags with me. And then I was stopped by the aisle and sick of the bag. Shout out to, and I'm not just doing that, but shout out to women. Oh, my God. Like, shout out to women. Thank God for women. But also, you haven't even got to the birth yet. shout out for women. How intense is that? I mean, the conception and the pregnancy is a piece of cake till you get to the birth. I mean, I thought I was giving birth to three grapefruits.

7:23It's just horrendous. I couldn't believe that something that big and hard could exit.

7:30Actually, because you were, Jamie, happy listeners, Jamie from, you know, from his conception was a problem. No, I was not. I was not. I was not a problem Your pregnancy was a huge problem Why? Because the placenta was in the wrong So you The placenta was in the wrong place Okay, but explain Because I By the way, I know nothing about nothing I know nothing about nothing So you have to explain stuff to me So you conceive a baby Yes The sperm meets the egg Correct They form a little embryo Yes The embryo implants itself Into the lining of the uterus How do you know? You're so medical In another life My grandfather was a doctor I should have been a doctor You should have been a doctor So then it can continue So the baby's there impregnated and the baby is fed through something called the placenta.

8:12That's what nourishes the baby. And the placenta is normally high in the uterus. Okay. And the baby forms underneath it. Yeah. And in your case, no, no, no. It was at the bottom, right across the cervix. So there was no way you could be born because you'd have to smash your way through the placenta to get out. And then the risk is, as you grow and grow and grow, is that the placenta ruptures because it's being stretched. It's in the place it shouldn't be. and so the moment you have a bleed of any kind they hospitalise you so I was hospitalised with you um six weeks before you were due because I was bleeding you're in hospital for six weeks well you came two weeks early as usual impatient so I was actually in hospital for four weeks then there was are you scared are you no I'm in the hospital I'm not scared and I'm never scared you're never scared no this is what fascinates me right is that like okay going through this whole process with Sophie at the moment.

9:07There is so much information out there all the time. Like on the internet, people message you on social media, your parents, your... We didn't have any of that. I know how much... That's blissful. So you didn't know anything. Well, you only knew what you asked your friends or the doctor told you. You couldn't go on the internet. No, I used to buy a book. What book did you read? Settled Baby or somebody's baby. I don't know, some book. So I was a problem. So what happened next with me? No, so Alexander was my first child and he was a problem because I had such high blood pressure. They hospitalised me with him.

9:40You're always in hospital. Ugh, I had such bad pregnancies and great babies. And can I ask a personal question? Was it vaginal? The birth? The birth. Alexander was vaginal. Vaginal. You were slit out of my stomach and stitched up again. Okay, and then Emily, my little sister. Emily was natural. Vaginal. Were you sick? With Emily? Yeah Yeah but I kind of learnt How to control it a little bit better with Emily Because Sophie keeps having these Whenever I have any sort of issue I phone you So I phoned you because Sophie was feeling like She had these things Problem where she felt like she was fainting And she felt dizzy And all these other things And you said you had that as well Where you feel very dizzy And it's just not a very nice feeling I just felt so ill Is the sickness really bad?

10:28Oh god I remember sitting in the shower I couldn't stand I had to sit in the shower with a bowl But I remember thinking Oh my god I've got the devil in there It's just I'm so ill Okay So with Soph and I then When the birth happens Yeah You've got to give me advice on this Well Is she having a natural birth? I don't know I don't know at the moment She's going to make the decision herself Because so many people now Seem to have what they call Elective C-sections Yeah Okay I personally would have A natural birth Because I think I mean for me Because I've had both The recovery from a C-section is so much longer.

11:03Is it really? Yeah, you give birth naturally. You stand up 10 minutes later, unless you've had an epidural and your legs give way. Did you take an epidural? Oh my... So Alexander, as I say, was induced. So I was like, okay, just put the epidural at the same time because I don't want to wait for it to happen. Emily, I thought this is my last shot. Never going to get dad, lust or not again. So I got to make the most of it. I got to really experience this whole thing. So I'm in labor and I think, oh god it's baby number three better get the hospital now because i'm probably going to give birth in an hour and so we get the car we drive to oxford and dad's in a grump because you know it's again it's nine o 'clock at night you know it's always at night yeah baby's always come at night and about midnight so like i've got the hospital let's say 10 so two hours later i've got my hands on the wall and i'm thinking i can't go through much more of this and the nurse comes in and examines me and says congratulations you're four centimeters i think four four i thought i was what do you need to get to ten you need to get to ten yes and i've done two hours and i was only four i was like oh my god oh my god so i just like give me the epidural thank you how bad is the pain is the pain terrible oh all consuming oh god what yeah yeah and you can't describe it because it It just takes over.

12:23It's like... And they say breathe. I couldn't remember to breathe. I couldn't remember to do anything. I was like, oh my God. And I didn't even go through the whole thing. Your sister gave birth in a bath twice all on her own. I mean, I was just pathetic. Anna said, my cousin last night, because all I'm talking about at the moment is babies. Everything that I'm talking about, every conversation is babies. She said it was so bad at one point, she was naked on all fours. just throwing up and she said this is how bad it is it's horrendous and you lose all sense of dignity you don't care who's looking up your bottom because i mean you're so out of control your body is taken over giovanna fletcher said she just had what did she call it waves or something and she just went and out came the baby i mean there was no with me it was like with me okay so talk me through the process what's good is it as a husband what should i do You're incredibly supportive.

13:23Okay. You certainly don't react if Sophie gets cross or anything. You just sit there and say you're proud of her and well done and you're doing great. Yeah. Just be there with her. You know, you don't want to do it on your own. It's nice having somewhere there. And then baby comes out and you cut the placenta. No, you don't cut the placenta. What do you cut? Shit, you cut the placenta. It'll be everywhere. No, I'll tell you what you do. What do I cut? Well, I don't think dad never cut a cord. I don't know. You cut something. You can cut the cord. You cut the cord. I don't think I was in any position to cut any cord.

13:54I was like, get the baby out. I remember they put Alexander on my chest. And actually, it's all quite rank. It's a bit gooey and revolting and there's lots of gunk on the baby and it's on your chest. And I was slightly sort of, ugh. Could we clean it first? I personally didn't experience it. You were literally like, oh my God. Well, it's all sloppy. Some people are really good And they take the sloppy Gooey covered baby And then they kiss it I'm just not very good I want a little bit of a clean head

14:32That's just me Each to their own Okay But you're looking at me thinking This is my baby That for me, Mama Is like the weirdest thing in the world Like when I got married to Sophie When I proposed to her It was such a weird moment Because Was it? Yeah because it's suddenly like, oh my God, I'm doing everything that my parents had done. And I watched in Disney movies and what you're suddenly doing this thing. It's really weird. You did make it into a serious thing. I know. I mean, you could have done it a bit low-key. I know. I've done the same thing with the baby. But anyway, the, and then. You always have to make a sort of podcast at the whole event.

15:08You know, some people just sit on a wall and say, will you marry me? No, not you. No. So, and then with the, with the baby. Yeah. To have the baby, that's like a weird thing. I wouldn't have any expectations. And don't be hard on yourself because nobody knows how anyone's going to react when the baby comes. Sophie may be in so much pain or shock or trauma or out-of-body experience. She may not know what she's feeling. I'm sure a lot of people feel instantaneous, unbelievable, overwhelming love. Some people don't. It takes, you know, a day or two. I think with Alexander, I was so shocked by the whole process because I had no idea what was happening and I hadn't had any.

15:53There wasn't one born every minute on television then, so I'd never seen a birth or anything. But I do remember the next day, he was in this little plastic wheelie crib thing. So he's on his side looking at me and I'm on my side in my bed and we're next to each other and I look at him and he's looking at me and he's staring at me and I'm staring at him and I think, I couldn't leave hospital without you. I remember actually thinking, oh my God, if the hospital went on fire, I couldn't leave without you. Isn't that amazing? It's amazing. No one can tell you the love, the love you will feel for your child.

16:24The overwhelming, protective love. Genuine love. All the time? All the time. Now, even now. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're almost getting emotional. I know, but everything you feel or Emily or Alexander feels, I feel for you. Isn't that amazing? Yeah. And it'll never change. I would kill for the three of you. I really would kill. If anyone hurt any of you, I would kneecap them. I would. I wouldn't. I'd go to prison. Okay. What about my... So what was I like as a baby, as a kid? You were fine in the beginning, you know, because you were a little baby and you were so sweet. And you came out and you looked like a tub of golden syrup because you hadn't had the old birth canal squish job.

17:07So I looked quite sweet. Did I have hair? Yeah, you had golden syrup hair. gold sweet oh you were sweet but you were so naughty can you tell straight away with the child what the personality is going to be like you can not straight away not straight away you can kind of get an inkling yeah you get an inkling eight months oh god by eight months we all knew that was going to be a nightmare and by two you threw tantrums that were spectacular get out of here Alexander had never thrown a tantrum never get cross he just if you put him on his potty and gave him a book and said stay there you'd gone back two days later who just still been on his potty with his book.

17:42And me? Oh my God, you didn't do anything you were told. The thing that I find so intense, right, is that you have the baby and then you just have it and you take it home and it's like, well, here we go. What do we do now? What do you do now? It's usually the only things wrong with a baby usually are it's got a dirty nappy, it's pooed, it's got a dirty nappy or it's hungry. Two things. When they're tiny, they're either hungry or dirty. Or maybe they have a tummy ache, you haven't burped them properly. Babies are so funny. I was with our friends that you know the other day who have two kids, two daughters and one of them is very, very naughty.

18:15Anyway, our friends decided that they would have sex and the kids were asleep and suddenly, as they were in the middle of having sex, my friend heard in her ear, what are you doing? It was her daughter who had suddenly arrived because she's so silent arrived in the bed. What are you doing? It's enough to put you off for life. isn't it? It's honestly unbelievable. Okay. I'm very excited for all of this. It's going to be a wild ride, I think. And also, you've got to remember that after the birth, Sophie will be really tired. I know. You need to, or someone does, or her mum, or if you get some help of some kind, she needs to rest every afternoon.

18:59You're going to be the help. I'll be the help. So then I will do it like an old fashioned person. You see, I will make sure the baby's fed at 10 and then at two, and then I'll put Sophie must go to bed. This is what happens. Until five. This is why when people used to live in villages, the village used to bring up the child. You're the village. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, I don't know if you're, yeah. I'll be the village. Okay. All right, Mama, listen. We do this thing called Dictionary Corner, which is where we have to guess like different things. But you can't spell. I know, but I can read. So I'm going to read out something.

19:28Yep. And then you're going to have to guess what it means. Are you ready for this? Yes, always. All right, let's play Dictionary Corner. Okay, Mama, I have some words for you that are sex. Oh no And relationship based And I want you to tell me I don't want sex I want you to tell me What they mean Okay Wizard's sleeve Wizard's sleeve But hang on Have I got to relate this To either sex or Sex or relationships Wizard's condom No Keep going Foreskin No Shall I give it to you Yeah It's a baggy vagina What the fuck is a baggy vagina I mean there's no such thing As a baggy vagina What is ludicrous? Okay.

20:11Whisker berries. Is that when you probably, or you lot, have no pubic hair and there's a little whisker coming through or something? It's the opposite. It's a pair of very hairy bulls. They're not like berries. They're more like tomatoes. Okay, here we go. Cherry chapstick. Oh, my God. I don't even want to go there. Oh, my God. I don't want to know that. Move on. I'm not answering that. I've got to tell you. No. No, no, no, no. I have to. It's when the clitoris becomes red and engorged due to sexual stimulation. Well, that's completely natural. Okay. Hopefully that's... She's excited then. God.

20:49Oh, God, I'm hot. Okay, here we go. Here we go. A salty pretzel. Do I want to know? It's a sexual physician. In which the lady... Oh, no. Oh, God, no. You're probably salty or in his armpit or something. I mean, it's just awful. In which the lady sits on the chair. And puts her legs behind her head while having anal sex. That's just ridiculous. Oh, my God. Snowballing. Sex on the ski slope? I don't know. An act where ejaculate is passed from one person's mouth to another person's mouth. Ugh. Ugh. Okay, the last one, so we get out of this. Raw noodle. You're not going to get this. It's in the kink community.

21:29Raw noodle is when you gently fit a thin spaghetti into the urethra of a man's shaft. slide it up as far as it goes like a catheter slide up as far as it goes until he's notified by sharp pain running through his penis and that's exciting that's exciting oh my god we'll just go to hospital and have a catheter I mean that's just that's even more ludicrous do you remember the time when I was when I was in hospital do you remember this yes you rang me at 2 in the morning you said mama I can't pee you'd had your cruciate ligament done so you'd had a general general anaesthetic I said we'll call the nurse anyway you ring back later you said the nurse has been it's all right they're going to come and give me a catheter do they put it in your mouth so i said no julie put it up your willy up you up the little tiny hole in your willy they're going to thread it up there and he went oh my god yeah so i went and got boiling water no a bowl of hot water and dipped myself in it to allow myself to relax it actually works for anyone who is struggling to be able to pee because they've had general aesthetic or just in general go and get a hot bowl of water and dip your penis into it and it will relax and everything will pee.

22:36Anyway, on that note, that's the end of Dictionary Corner. Okay, mama, listen, it's now time in the episode where we go to listeners' messages. This is where listeners write in. Are you ready for this? I am. It's time for listeners' messages.

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25:39All right, Mama, are you ready for this? I just want to say firstly, thanks guys for sending in your messages. That's so kind of you. We love them. What do we have? We have some, Do you want to do your one first? I'll do mine. The team read them all. That's what's so cool. Read the emails. They read the direct messages. They read everything. And there's some voice note. We have a voice note today. Okay. Well, listen, I am going to read one from Hattie. It's titled Love Stories. So I'm really hopeful. Oh, this could be nice. This isn't going to be one of these horrible. This could be nice. Okay, give it to me.

26:04Ones I get upset with. So Love Stories from Hattie. My granddad was in the Navy and he was sailing around the world, gaining the most brilliant stories along the way, meeting the Queen in Australia, seeing Frank Sinatra at the Copacabana, and he even made local news in Sri Lanka, as he and his mates were swimming nude and startled some tourists on a cruise. As you can imagine, life on ship was rather isolated, so my granddad's friend recommended he got a pen pal and gave him the details of a girl from Birmingham. My granddad and this girl wrote back and forth until they finally agreed to meet when he returned to Portsmouth on leave.

26:39While waiting at Portsmouth Pier, he started talking to these two other women and decided he rather fancied one of them, so went for a walk with her along the promenade. That gorgeous, brilliant lady was my grandma. My granddad would always joke, I don't know what happened to the girl from Birmingham. Poor bird is probably still sat waiting for me. Poor girl. After a short battle with dementia, we lost my gorgeous granddad recently. To be honest, I've lost my sparkle and I'm not sure how to stick the glitter back on. Oh, Hattie. But what I do know is he was the most cheeky, hilarious man I've ever known.

27:14He was nothing short of brilliant and he's safe and happy with my grandma now. Oh, I'm going to cry. Continuing their love story that was organic and spectacular from the start to the end. If you're lucky enough to have grandparents, squeeze all the stories and love out of them. You possibly can. That is the most... Isn't that sweet? Heavenly, heavenly story. Isn't that sweet? Wouldn't it have been perfect if she had been the girl from Birmingham too? Isn't that sweet though Saying you want to put the glitter back on She wants to stick the glitter back on Do you know I love that Hattie Because I'm a grandparent And I want my grandchildren To feel like that about me Well my baby will feel that about you Because he or she will live with me Yeah there you go exactly Okay I have one for you Here you go We're going to shake it up a bit I've got a wild story from Anonymous I have a shocking confession to make My boyfriend and I Were staying at his best friend's flat The night before a flight Since he is much closer to the airport Than we are The friend very politely gave up his room for the night, as had an en suite that we could use early the next day without waking him up.

28:15He explicitly told us not to have sex, as he wanted to use the same sheets the next day. As you may be aware, when someone tells you not to do something, it makes it much more exciting to do the opposite. We therefore could not resist and had sex, albeit very quietly, discreetly, but used a condom to keep things clean. Oh God, I'm really, no, I'm not going to enjoy this. The next morning we got up at 3am and headed to our taxi to the airport. All was going well until my bag was pulled by security to be further inspected. My boyfriend turned to me and asked, did I put the condom in the bin last night?

28:44I asked, no, why? He turns to me and says, because it's in your bag. In a post-sex haze, he'd put the condom in my bag, so no evidence of the sex in the forbidden bed was left behind. No. The complete and utter fear that came over me as I realized that the airport security were about to unveil our secret. By this point, my boyfriend had fully run away from the scene and complete embarrassment and left me alone. From now on I will forever be scarred Knowing that the man checking my bad Will think I am some crazy obsessed woman Who collects semen Have you ever had anything like that? God no I did Should I show you my airport thing though Just recently when we were going to Italy last week What happened?

29:19Hilarious So we are at London City Airport The plane's delayed And we're all The whole flight is gathered Waiting to try and get on the plane Which is late Yeah And they suddenly go Good Mr. Jonathan Baines Mr. Jonathan Baines please report to the check-in desk. So Jonathan goes up and then this man appears off the plane, the runway, wheeling my suitcase. I'm like, what? There's Jonathan. They open up the suitcase and in front of everyone that's all waiting in the plane because it is vibrating. The suitcase is vibrating. And me being me, can't just shut up and let Jonathan deal with it. I say in a really loud voice, I announced to the whole of the big lot, this is not a vibrator.

30:03This is a Theragun from my plantar fasciitis. It's a machine for massages. Was it that magic wand thing that you gave me? No, that is also a neck massager. It's not. You couldn't possibly put that anywhere. It's too big. You gave me in lockdown something called a magic wand and I used it on my foot to help with my plantar fasciitis. Everyone said that was a vibrator. I don't know. I got it from Amazon. It said cordless neck massager. I don't know. It was a huge vibrator. What would you do? What's called magic wand? What are you talking about, Mama? Okay, here we go. From Anonymous. So I'm on a holiday with my friend.

30:45Let's call her Mabel. And her parents. The trip was lovely. There's been a lot of talk of a boat day since the beginning of the trip. The day finally comes and my heart sinks when I find out there'll be no toilet on the boat. as I suffer from IBS. One hour in, I feel my stomach start to rumble and the anxiety builds up the worst. I turn to Mabel and I tell her I'm going to hit myself and we need to get into the ocean ASAP. Me and my friend jump out and I start swimming away at top speed so I can poop without anyone seeing me. But at this marvelous sight, they start applauding me and are keeping a close eye on my newfound carefree relationship with the ocean.

31:21At this, Mabel tells her parents again the ocean, thinking this will be better if they don't have a bird's eye view of my whereabouts. Little did they know they would jump in cannonball style. From this impact, my shit starts being pulled towards them in the bouncy waves. I have no choice but to start grabbing the pebbles of poo and moving them away. However, I'm not finished, so I swim further out and have my goggles on to go deeper. Oh my god. I see a fish come towards me and take a bite out of my poo. Oh, that's alright, yeah. I always throw up I swim towards the boat And see her parents Seem to be oblivious To the traumatic events That had just occurred For the rest of the trip They applaud me For my bravery And fearless attitude I adopted at sea Little do they know They were metres away From my shit There you go

32:13Can I say a big thank you To everyone who's written Those messages We love you guys That love story Was just beautiful Hattie Hattie you're amazing Please keep sending them in We do have a voice note This is from Sarah Hi Sophie and Jamie. My name is Sarah and I'm from Essex. I have an 11 year old and a 3 year old. And on the topic of sex, when pregnant, I must admit me and my husband were part of that camp. However, what did happen was every time, I mean I passed a lot of fluid and we called it, you know, sex wee. But actually, it was just wee. It was urine. So if you jump on that bandwagon, go for it.

32:56However, just, you know, watch out. That's hilarious. That's hilarious. It's all very well when you're pregnant, sort of, you know, stress weeing like dogs do. But after you've had the baby, you're going to wee any time anything happens because I can't go on a trampoline now after three children. What, because it's now... I can't even sneeze. It's a wizard sleeve Oh Nothing to do with the vagina The vagina doesn't wee It's to do with the urethra No no no Because you've been putting spaghetti up it No that's up yours The trouble is Your muscles get a little weaker Okay Listen everyone I said thank you for writing in Please keep sending your voice notes Stories Anything at all You can send them to Our Instagram At Nearlyparentspodcast It's all on Instagram Signed out DMs We see it all Or you can send us an email Nearlyparents At jamboproductions.co.uk everything is in the show description so do it there please okay that's the end of listeners messages

33:59any other tips for me so when we come back with the baby tips for me to be a good husband, partner, father all that kind of vibe any tips, yum do the cooking, do the food shopping I mean just be there Be there. Be there. But one of the big things is, and quite often no one tells you this, I don't, I don't remember anyone telling me, is that you start crying really easily as the mother. I could not stop crying. Yeah, because you're emotional. You're terribly emotional. I don't know what it was. I mean, I just sat there in a puddle of tears. So be understanding about that because, you know, she can't help it.

34:39It's just all the hormones will be raging and everything else. And also sometimes breastfeeding is difficult because you think, oh, the baby's just going to come out. It's going to be really sweet. And I just put it there and it sucks away. You have to squeeze your nipple and stuff it in the baby's mouth. And the baby has to learn how to latch on properly. And it can get quite sore. It gets sore. You know, I spoke to this guy called TJ Power, who's so interesting. He talks about dopamine, all these different things. He's about to have a baby. He said the really important thing to do is this is that when we're about to have a baby we expect everything's just going to be perfect and amazing and this baby's going to come out and you're going to love it and it's going to be the most beautiful thing and oh my god and he sort of described it this way you know when you go to a party and you're so excited for the party and then you get there and it's all a bit of a letdown you're like oh that's a bit disappointing try and treat that with a baby hopefully touch wood baby comes out it's all perfect everything's fine touch wood everything's great and you love it and it's all brilliant but that might not happen and don't put pressure on yourself if that doesn't happen because that's when you start to feel down or upset or emotional that you're not feeling all these things that you think you should be feeling towards the baby absolutely 100 % and don't have any expectations just go with the ride and it's your story it's not anyone else's story it's individual to you but one big thing I would say is do not plan to do anything for that month after the baby comes.

36:08Just be. If you can go out for supper, if you do decide you can go for a walk, great. But don't make any plans. Just let it flow. Good advice, mama. I like that. It's very, very good advice. One of the big things that we have to do also is when the baby comes back is learn how to change a nappy. Easy peasy. All right. Well, we're going to try and change a nappy. You're going to coach me through it. You ready for this? So ready. Let's do this.

36:34Okay, I'm going to try and change this baby's nappy So in front of us we have a little doll Well, for a start you will never change a baby Scary little doll You won't change it on your knee I'm going to change it on my knee That's how I do it Okay, well put a towel down underneath It doesn't have real poop coming It's just a fake baby Okay, so you're not worrying about what's coming out of the nappy you're changing Okay, hang on So just start me again So you would put a towel down underneath I would, in case it leaks You don't even know how to get the baby out of its clothes Look Okay, hold on, I'm just going to get the baby out of its clothes Oh, careful Okay, I'm going to have to do it nice, okay, sorry Here we go Hold his head Oh, now you've taken his hat off There you go Put him down on your tummy Put him on his tummy across your knees Right, there you go That's alright, he's happy like that Yeah, yeah, he's happy Out he goes Oh, he's going to get your arm out Tell him what you're doing Oh, here we go I'm crying Okay, just taking off all the clothes Right, there you go Oh, well done Look, he's got Oh, don't flick him over like that Hold his head I flicked him over like that Okay, right Pick up the nappy Okay, here we go Now let me try and do this Without you saying anything Alright Baby here Hello, baby Hello, baby I can't believe I'm actually singing to this child It's a fake baby, everyone Okay, nappy, here we go Make sure you've got front and back I know, let me just try and do this I've got nappy in my hand If it's a boy, he's already weed in your face No, he hasn't No, no, no, no, no.

37:58I've done it. No, you haven't. Look at his bottom. That's so bad. I've done it. I've done it. That looks absolutely atrocious. Okay, hang on a second. Can you try and do this? Come here. I'm going to put you sideways like that. Okay, so you're putting the baby sideways. Okay, I'm watching this. So then where this nappy goes. Two hands in one. Bottom down. You're doing this way better. Pull up between the legs. Yeah. Like that. That's exactly what I did. No, you didn't. You didn't hold it like that. You did one side, then the other. You've been quite rough with this poor little baby. This baby's fine.

38:27And there, come on, little baby. Is its bottom covered? Yes. So much better. Now, come on, burp. Well done, Benny. Okay, pass the baby back here. I'm going to hold the baby for the rest of the episode. So that's how you change the nappy? Yep. That's how you do it, all right? Well, I'm going to be on it, all right? That didn't seem to... I thought changing a nappy was going to be way harder. No, changing a nappy is easy peasy. But we didn't have to do any of the old baby wipe stuff, did we? You wipe the bottom, you do that kind of thing first. Talcum powder on, nappy on, boom. Well, I don't know whether people use talc anymore.

38:59What you do is you clean down the grooves with a baby wipe. You make sure it's all clean out the bottom, down the sides. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then if it's got a little red body or anything like that, you put some pseudochrome on. Well, Mama, listen, we've come to the end of the episode. Have we? God, it's so much fun. Should we do it again? We can do it. We're definitely going to do it again. Don't worry about that. Before we go, we have a weird pregnancy tip of the week from Nina, who says, rub your belly clockwise if you want your baby to be good at directions. God, my mother obviously didn't do that with me.

39:26I can't find my hotel room. That's a good one. That's a good one. Do you think that's true? Yeah. Do you think? I don't know if it's true. That's the tip of the week. I don't know, but I think that's really, I would do that. I want to say a big thank you for everyone who keeps listening, guys, and keeps writing in voice notes, emails, everything. Please keep sending them in at nearlyparentspodcast on Instagram. Slide into our DMs or send us an email, nearlyparents at jampoproductions.co.uk Everything is in the show description, Mama. Everything's there. Everything. Everything's there. It might even give your at to her Instagram.

39:59Oh, no, don't do that because I never accept anyone. You never accept anyone. No. You just get hounded by loads of men the whole time. Has anyone ever slid into your DMs? No one slides into anything these days. What do you mean, slid into my DMs? I don't even know what a DM is. Okay. On that note, guys, we love you and we're going to see you next week for another episode of Nearly Parents. Until then, if you're getting married... Good luck. If you're getting divorced... Oh, it'll get better. Okay, if you're thinking about having a baby... Yes, go for it. If you're renovating a house... Oof, taking Eurofans.

40:37And if you're just single and ready to mingle... Yeah, make the most of it. They're the best days. We'll see you next week, everybody. Goodbye! Bye!

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