Jamie's BOTCHED Beauty Treatment

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0:56We were absolutely paralyzed, but our eyes were looking at each other and we were screaming with our mouth shut. Help, help. Oh, here we bloody go. This is like how I want to live. This is how you want to live, just on a sofa in LA, just having the loveliest time. Yeah, I've got the hills in the background. There's not a... My ears unpopped. Have they unpopped? Half, half. Guys, this is huge news, everyone. Sophie's been complaining for ages about how her ears have been feeling like blocked. I didn't feel well because I basically had, I felt like I was wobbly on a boat because my ears were blocked.

1:28I don't know what was wrong with them. I went to an urgent care guest in the middle of LA. I sat for an hour and a half whilst he inspected every part of my body. He told me not to do anything. That's the biggest problem. He told me, he then spilled off about the, the, the organization of my eardrums. And I've never with my ADHD been so physically bored in my whole life. I wanted to, my, my body wanted to break three out of my skin. and scream, help! He was not, not, not, like heaven's door on my ear. Sophie tapped me on the leg and pointed to the door as he was talking to you. Because you couldn't handle it.

2:05He was so sweet. He was obviously like an amazing medic graduate, right? He was so eager and enthusiastic about telling me about all his knowledge to do with the anatomy of the ear. But I don't care. If you're not going to do anything to my ear, you're not going to give me any medication, I'm out that door. Or I don't want a 40-minute spiel about the anatomy of my ear and the blood pressure in it or whatever. So tell me, so the ears are now better? Yeah, I'm feeling good. How are you feeling? I'm feeling freaking great, man. Yesterday was a bit of a funky day. Yesterday was a funky. There was like a full moon or something had happened, but I was a bit all over the place.

2:37But today I feel back to normal. Guys, also just a caveat. If you hear some noise or you see anything in the background, there's lots of stuff going on. Planes going over, whatever. We're just rolling with it, baby. So don't worry about it. This episode is going to be absolute killer. Shall we get into it? Yeah, baby. Hello, I'm Jamie Lang. And I'm Sophie Lang. And now, we're Newly Parents. Oh, yeah, we are, baby. Hello, everybody. Welcome back to Newly Parents LA. Oots, oots, oots. Oots, oots, oots, oots. I got a freaking bone to pick with you. Go on, them bonehead. All right, listen, you little boner.

3:13Okay, I got a bone to pick with you. Sophie decided to take me to a cosmetic surgery place Alright Bang me later Anyway We went in there And I don't know what I said I was getting these like smile lines This person injected this moisturiser into my lines here in my face And now I can't smile properly Everyone listening is like Injected moisturiser I did inject moisturiser No so she injected like a Like a sort of like a profilo A moisturizer thing. No, it's like a skin booster into his thing, okay? And then look at this. Look at me now. I've never been so irritated that I allowed him to do this, guys.

3:56Look at my smile. Look at the way I smile now. You look the same. Don't joke. I'm not joking. Look at this. Look at this. This is me smiling. No, it isn't. Yes, it is. Okay, well, you're fucked. Look at this. Ready? Look, I'll do it again. Isn't that what your smiles always look like? No, I can't. I used to be able to smile wider. The moisturizer stopping my thing from smiling. Look. To the listeners, it looks like he's had a weird facelift. That's the only way to describe it. The moisturiser in my face is stopping me from... Okay, Jamie, everyone listening is like moisturiser injected into your skin.

4:24You're injectables. Just own it. Reach it. I'm not... Listen. Rock on. I... We injected whatever that moisturiser... I didn't inject any shit. I had Botox here and a dab there. Because I'm away from a girl L and I just needed a little top up. Look at this. I'm going to do it. Is that better? I think you look really sweet. You look like your mum, smiling. I mean, when you smile, I only see penny beans. And also, I know we joke on this podcast the whole time, you've had Botox, you've had this. I haven't. I haven't done all that. No, don't. I have not. That's blasphemy. It's not. I'm in desperation that you just lied.

5:01So you've got to be honest for a second. Jamie Leng. You've got to be honest for a second. Okay, I'll be honest. You've had so much Botox in your life. Once, you went to one clinic, right? He went to one clinic, got jabbed all over his forehead. Then he forgot he'd booked at another clinic and he's too polite and he knows these statisticians. So he went to the second clinic and he was too polite to say to them, I actually went and just had Botox an hour ago. So they double jabbed his forehead. And when I tell you he had never looked so fucking strange, he came home and I was like, what's happened?

5:32He was like this. You know those dinosaurs? You know those dinosaurs that have a lump on their forehead? I look like that. But that, I seriously, you've got to be turning on this. I haven't had really, I have had no cosmetic surgery. I don't do Botox. Yes, occasionally I dye my hair. I don't do the other shit. Whatever you're saying. Right, okay, let's go through the things you've had. This is the one time that I went and did it. And I went and got a little bit of moisturiser in the face. And now it's like, darling. No, now it's done flowing to my freaking smile. I think you look fresh. I think you look beautiful.

6:01And I think, doesn't you look good, guys? Yeah, it looks great. Thanks, guys. I appreciate it. You look good. Can you see this with myself? Yeah, I can see this. Like a slightly younger Homer Simpson. Look at this. The smile has stopped. I can't smile wide. Yeah, that's because you're like... I'm not. So if you look, it stopped it. Maybe she put Botox there by mistake. Something has happened to my... Something's bad's happened there. I can feel the moisturiser stopping it. It's not moisturiser. Can I just caveat, because I need to tell the listeners, because I feel like, because I don't have Wednesdays, I need to tell the girlies these sorts of things.

6:32So, creatine. I know everyone's hyping about creatine. Women should take creatine. It's good for your health, good to your cognitive function. It's good for your looks, good for your muscles. It made me so fucking swollen. I literally felt like I could put my finger in my cheek and there would be a finger indent for about six hours. I was that full of water. I kept looking at myself. I was like, I look really odd since being out here. I've been nailing creatine from airborne because I thought it was like, what the wellness girl is to. You're fucking lying to me because I literally pump, pour litres of water in every single part of my body.

7:08I've never been so puffy and swollen my whole entire life. So that finally flashed out my body. That's why I sing it again. What I want to discuss about today is something that you said to me. Sophie and I went shopping in Skims. This is Kim Kardashian's brand. It's called Skims. It's like a big store in LA. We went in there. What did you think of it? Yeah, it was great. There's also one that's just launched in London. Okay. It's amazing basics and it's amazing shapewear and like brown pants. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. You, Sophie has now said that she's not in her thong era anymore. Oh, yeah. I'm like dumb with her in a thong.

7:42They're fucking uncomfortable. What do you mean? I just like, they go like, thongs like get eaten by your ass. Like that's the only way to describe it. Like you're constantly picking out a wedgie. Like I'm over it. I want to wear like a Frenchie or like even a boxer short. Don't give a fuck. I'm married. I've got a kid. Like, what have I got to lose? What do you mean thongs get eaten by your ass? Like, they're just, I'm constantly picking out wedgie. Like, riddle it to me, girls. Like, I don't get it. Second time you said riddle me. Riddle me third time, girls. I don't get how we're all finding the thongs comfy.

8:16I've worn them for 32 years. Yeah, I wore them as I came out of the womb. You did not. When was the first time you wore a thong? I wore a thong really, really young. I'm going to be honest now. And people are going to judge my mum. But it was not my mum's fault. I shared like a pants draw with my sister. Who are you trying to impress? No, but I went to an old girls school and it was like quite cool to have like the lacy. You remember Lorenza? La Censa? La Censa, the girlies will know. La Censa, you go in there, you get like the pack of five for like five quid or whatever. And it was like, they were like lace Frenchies.

8:46They're what my sister had. So I obviously naturally started wearing her thongs, her pants. So now you're out of your thong era. You don't want to wear them. I'm out of my thong era. I'm just like going for like a nice brief or like a box to shore. and I feel unbelievable in it. Do you not feel like... And I feel sexier than ever. I see you and thinking, like, I'm really confused. You're thinking I'm going to wear, like, boxer shorts, like you blokes. Yeah, four boxers. No, a boxer shorts, like a hot pan, like a little pan. Yui, what do you prefer? Do you prefer a thong or do you prefer a... I just like a brief on a man.

9:15I'm not into boxers and I'm not into boxers where they're, like, down to your knees either. Oh, yeah. Can we actually talk about that? I often think about that. That is so uncomfy that you guys just have your... nothing's held tight. Like you wear big baggy linen shorts underneath your trousers. Like that's all bunching up. What world is people thinking that's nice? It's lovely. You don't do it, mate. You wear cavern climbs as tight as they come. No, I sometimes wear loose ones and it's lovely. No, you don't. Yes, I freaking... That's like, you're quite like a type of person if you're doing that.

9:49No, I sometimes wear like loose boxes. That's what I do. I sometimes wear it loose. I sometimes go commando. Do you really? Yeah, I sometimes go commando, but then actually... I used to go commando quite a lot. Because it was just quite nice. And then one time I was wearing jeans and I went commando for the whole day. Anyway, I took my jeans off at the end of the day and I had a skid mark in the jeans. I think that's really gross. And also, why are you going commando? I couldn't think of anything worse than going commando in a pair of jeans, of all things. Like that, rubbing all in the wrong areas.

10:26I don't understand what happens with guys. I don't understand why this happens. It's not my fault. What I'll do is this. I'll wear a nice pair of white boxes, right? I'll go to take a number two to go and do a poo, and I'll go and do it, and I will wipe. I will wipe, wipe, wipe, and it is totally clean. It is totally clean. Sometimes you wipe so hard that you can almost draw blood, right? Because you've wiped too hard. That's what can happen. And then you know you've wiped too hard. And then I'll literally go take a pee two hours later. There's a skid mark. I don't understand where it's going from.

10:59I'm going to be completely honest. Can I just say that I'm 32? Yeah. And I have never in my life, hand on my heart, ever had a skid mark. So why you have that? I can only imagine it's because you have hairy arseholes. Why would that cause a skid mark? Because your hair's muscles in dirt. so really it should like be it should be as simple as brushing your teeth that every man should go and douche their bum out after they shower after they do a poo or they should at least use the bidet I don't know why it happens I don't understand why it happens it just does happen occasionally and it's just or it should be a rule of thumb that every man should shave their arse off the hair doesn't the hair it's the hair because women don't have that the hair doesn't correlate to anything it does that's what will be causing it and none of you fools have worked it out yet okay Okay.

11:50Well, look, I'm just being honest. So you're out of your thong era? I'm out of my thong era. I'm into my brief and boxer short era. And suck on that, is what I want to say. Also, we've got to talk about the fact that we're in LA. What is something that you want to do in LA, but you haven't done yet? I'm gagging. I'm in a chokehold about going to Target. I don't know where one is. I want to get my son. I want to put him in a trolley, you know, when you were younger. And you would go to Sainsbury's. Or you went to Waitrose. Waitrose. Waitrose. And you would flip that little orange seat down and you would slip in there and your mum would push you around.

12:26Do you remember it? I remember it very well. Who did you go there with? I used to go there with my nanny. That's what you want me to say, isn't it? Nanny Julie. Nanny Julie. So wait. So I want to get my son in one of those and I want to load up that trolley. I want to go to Target. I've done Whole Foods and it was the most sensational experience of my life. I want to get melatonin gummies. I want to pop them tonight. I want to go to CVS I don't know what I want to get from CVS but I want to go I just want to do it all I want you to take a big spliff and get high as a kite You want me to go and smoke a spliff?

13:01We went for dinner with someone last night and it was just so nonchalant She's from LA I was like, what did you do today? She was like, oh I taught a dance session She was a dancer and then I smoked a fat joint and then I came here and I was like, sick because in England, like, you just wouldn't say that because obviously it's illegal. It is illegal. It is illegal. Listen, I have smoked weed once before. Have I told you this story when I smoked weed? No. I smoked weed once when I was 16 years old, right? And I was with all the older kids and all the older boys were way freaking cooler than me.

13:34They were like 20 years old and I was like 16 years old. I was like, these guys are fucking awesome. Right. And they were smoking some weed and they were all passing it around the circle and it came to me and I was like this hyperactive young kid like having like the funnest time like hey don't worry about it yeah just like making all the jokes and it came to me and I smoked it and I obviously smoked too much of it because suddenly I became super paranoid and I went completely quiet and then just didn't I went quiet and then didn't say anything and I just stared at the ground my whole mouth became shut and in my head I was like going well don't worry I'll just live a life like this and I'll just be fine I'll just somehow make my way through it I'll just be mute for the rest of my life what happened with your one?

14:23so my story was that there were these older boys and they went to Boric Boys and we went back to the house this guy called Jasper right and then I ended up going out with one of them Jasper anyway they were like quite cool they were older they were like two years older they made weed brownies and we're sat in this house and they're like do you guys smoke and we're like yeah obviously so they made brownies obviously then i nailed a whole fucking brownie a whole brownie and i don't know to this day whether i was tripping out or whether we did do this but i swear all my memory is is that we went into this living room and we watched cartoons for what felt like eight hours everyone's laughing and like chilling out i'm like this and i i kept wanting to get up to go to the loo and i all i wanted to do was text my dad by the way I didn't even drive at this point.

15:13All I wanted to do was text my dad to ask him to come pick me up. Couldn't move my hand to get my phone. So I sat there thinking, pick up your phone, pick up your phone for six hours. Cartoons playing. Izzy in the corner looking at me like this. We were completely and utterly paralysed, but our eyes were looking at each other and we were screaming with our mouth shut. Help, help. I could see she was looking at me thinking, help, I'm in it too. We couldn't move. we were like this hours and hours and hours passed i think the sunrise and i managed to text my dad saying can you please sit me up from this address was izzy was in it too we sat in the whole car in the back of my dad's car like this too

15:57my body had never felt so heavy i was like this glued to the chair glued to the sofa it felt like someone had put weights in every single part of my body and they were all moving and talking around me and i was just there absolutely waited to the chair oh god it's good hallelujah baby by the way it's one caveat please don't do drugs it's really bad they're not good even though they're legal out here um question for you we saw some friends yesterday if you could have a perfect time to have a dinner reservation what time would that dinner reservation be in a restaurant The truth of the answer is it's changed because I've had a child.

16:37Okay. I don't think truth of the answer is the right saying. Truth of the answer. Don't know what that means. Well, it's my way of saying it. The truth of the answer is. But that's, I know what you're trying to say. The truth. Well, my way sounds cooler. No, because you haven't answered the question. The truth of the answer is. The truth is. What do you mean the truth of the answer? Just throwing an extra head in. To say the truth is. A 7.30 dinner is a lovely dinner. I know that you want me to say like 4pm but I'm not going to Because that's not the truth of the answer I think you're lying I'm not I think if you can have a 5.30 seating you'd do it Listen Listen If it was you and me and a cold winter's day And we were not going out and having a fun time I would like a 5.30pm dinner Yes And I would like to come back I would like to get into my pyjamas And I'd like to watch TV and movies on my own In my bedroom and by TV and movies I just mean Real Housewives and I'm not ashamed to say it so your perfect reservation is a 5.30 seating but now I've got a child I feel like it's an effort to go out so if I'm gonna go out I wanna have a fun time I wanna get dressed up I wanna make the most of it and B I wanna do it when I put Ziggy to bed so therefore it would be 7.30, 8pm dinner so actually Ziggy's made me more fun and cool the only reason I say this is because we went out for dinner last night 7.30 seating and you thought that was a little bit late.

18:02No, I didn't. Yeah, you did. You said, God, I'm tired. I want to be home. Yeah, I'm tired because I'm a mother raising our child single-handedly. Working, slaving away, jet lag, no sleep. What do you want from me? Honey, my back is hurting from holding up this family. My shoulders are fucking hurting from holding up this family. I tell you what, I'm thinking about shaving my head. And I would be thrilled for you to do that. I'm thinking about shaving but I think I'm going to go proper skinhead not skinhead but a little bit of like a a little bit of like a buzz cut I loved you in a buzz cut when you had your hair transplant on and you wore that bandana I actually thought you'd never looked hotter these freaking new these new guys here are just thinking you know when you were actually looking like really really great was Croatia and you had a skinhead then that's when you first met me and you fancied me well I had met you before but that's when you were like I really think that's a nice look I'm thinking of doing it so I'm going to take my hat off now and I'm going to shave it all Yeah I think you should shave that little squash locks of yours So you think I should shave a little buzz cut?

19:10A hundred percent I'd love to do it for you You think I would look sexy? A hundred percent You've done it many times before Alright And you think we should do it on the show? I think we should on the podcast I would like to do it Oh my god imagine if Ziggy's scared of you when you've got a buzz cut I've heard that happens Why would Ziggy be scared of me if I had a buzz cut? Because it's like oh my god who's that it's like a different hair it's like a scary man with a buzz cut and if I shaved my head who would I look like Jamie with a shaved head no no I think would I look like I don't know I would look like a you know rest in peace a young Paul Walker yeah do you know what my dream haircut for you would be what I think if you got a bob if you had a little I've had a bob before if you had a little bob or a fringe can I just quickly see for anyone who's listening you're going to have to go to YouTube and check this out just make a little fringe over your head and see what it would look like if you had a little bit of a fringe because I think this would be a good...

20:01Yeah, that's it. That is absolutely phenomenal. No, no, just do it again. I need to just... Because you look a little bit like Claire Balding. I'm going to try and get a bob for you as well. No, no.

20:15It's unbelievable. Please. You've got to do a bob. I'm not going to do a bob. It's amazing what a haircut does to change something, what they look like. is do the fringe again. Do the fringe again and say, hello, everyone, welcome to Wimbledon. Wimbledon? Just say it is. It's Claire Boulding. Hello, everybody. Welcome to Wimbledon. What does she sound like? Hello, everybody. Welcome to Wimbledon. I'm Claire Boulding. Hello, everybody. Welcome to Wimbledon. It's Claire Boulding here. Okay, listen, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for that part of the episode, which we like to call Listener's Messages.

21:22Thank you. Pacific Life Insurance Company, Omaha, Nebraska and in New York. Pacific Life and Annuity, Phoenix, Arizona.

21:36Well, welcome to ListNess Messages. Okay, I am going to go fast today. I'm going to go fast. Hey, Jamie and Sophie, big fan of the show. First time writing in. This is the story of the time I was on the way to Morocco for a holiday. I was in a great mood having a drink in the lounge and being a gay single man in my 30s decided to pop onto Grindr to see what was about. Start the holidays, you mean to go on, etc. I got into a few saucy chats, including one with an older guy who sent me a picture. He looked vaguely familiar, but you know what it's like on Grindr. Anyway, one thing led to another and we agreed to meet in the toilets for a cheeky hookup before boarding.

22:18I'm in disbelief! Wait, hang on a second. I need to understand. Like, does this happen?

22:25Ewan's like your only gay reference and I love it I'm sure it does happen I'm not out doing it at an airport I'm at Wetherspoons So this person You were doing it in the Wetherspoons? No he's nailing an orange juice at Wetherspoons Can I just understand Is it because it feels like if I was gay I'd be able to have a hook up pretty easy Yeah I think Even if you're straight it's not as easy to hook up Yeah I think maybe we're just more upfront about what we want Yeah We're just, I'm here, this is what I want. Because you also have to be like, I'm bottom or I'm top or I'm verse. Like, you've got to be open and like chat about those things.

22:59I love how you just brought that into it. Well, it's true. Like, I feel like we're not, I'm not going to be like, I actually prefer a doggy. I really hate missionary. Like, they're just straight up. Yeah. And we should really be more like that. Wait, so, so you, have you ever had a, have you ever had a fleeting hookup with someone? Yeah. Where was it? Where's the riskiest place? The riskiest place. Come on, it's on the top of the dome right now. Let's do it.

23:27What? I'm in disbelief. Where's the riskiest place you've ever done something? I got a handjob on a train once.

23:40By who? A girl that I was dating. Coming back from Norfolk. Where's the riskiest place you've done it? In a ski lift.

23:53and should I tell you the story it's absolutely horrific so I did it in a ski lift I don't know why I'm asking this I did it in a ski lift and then you had sex in a ski lift I don't remember whether it was sex or the other thing what's the other thing I don't know my dad listens to this podcast today, Jenny anyway, when we got off the ski lift all the guys who did the thing were like they clapped you yeah, and I was like oh my god yeah because there's a camera in the bubble I think so, there must be Anyway, let's go back to this. Anyway, one thing led to another when we agreed to meet in the toilets for a cheeky hookup before boarding.

24:27I walked in, saw him and immediately realised who I recognised him from. He was one of my teachers at school. I'm in dis-fucking-belief. And instead of doing literally anything else, I blurted out, oh, Mrs Smith. Obviously not his real name. No, no, no. The look of horror on his face, which I assume was also on mine. I just sort of backed out, walked away and made a beeline for my gate. Eventually I got onto the plane Took my seat And tried to put the whole experience Out of my mind Then I looked up And two rows ahead of me Was an incredibly red-faced Mr. Smith Putting his bag in an overhead locker I guess it's a lesson We all need to learn sometimes To pay closer attention to the men You are hooking up with the Air Force That is Is iconic That is iconic Alright I have one Hi Jamie and Sophie A year or two ago I was in a pretty serious relationship That ended quite badly I was miserable for a long time But a couple of months ago I finally felt like I was turning a corner and ready to start dating again.

25:21I matched with the lovely guy on an app. We went for drinks. It was great. For our second date, he suggested a stand-up comedy night in Greenwich. What could possibly go wrong? Things started off well. The first act was really funny. And then they announced the second comedian. It was my ex. He immediately launched into a 10-minute set about his crazy ex-girlfriend, including some very graphic material about our sex life. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't sneak out without being spotted and I couldn't say anything to my date. I just had to sit there, staring at the floor with my hand shielding my face and pray he wouldn't recognise me.

25:56And what felt like several weeks, he finally left the stage and I got away. I've never had a more stressful night in my life, but the silver lining is, I'm still seeing the guy I was on a date with. That is horrendous. That's horrendous. I do feel this about comedy acts, right? Yeah. I do feel like sometimes they really go in about certain people in their lives, typically exes or like people they've hooked up with And I think, do they know you're using this material about them? I couldn't agree more. I couldn't agree more. Go on, give me another one, Sassbot. Dear Sophie, this one's just for me.

26:28You talking about having your thoughts scream at you in the shower made me laugh so much. It happened to me once so intensely. I went for an interview at a big consultancy firm to be an office manager and I was so nervous. It was a huge company. The man interviewing me was quite intimidating, but it actually went really well. And by the end, I thought I'd won him over. then I stood up to shake his hand and my brain suddenly screamed. My brain? And I stood up to shake his hand and my brain suddenly screamed, he's in love with you.

27:03I've done this. This is me. I was so confused about where the boys had come from and I thought maybe we were going to kiss.

27:12But then I got nervous and actually leant down and kissed his hand.

27:23Let me just read it again. Then I stood up, so she thought she'd won the interview. Then I stood up to shake his hand and my brain suddenly screamed, I was so confused about where the voice had come from and I thought maybe we were going to kiss. But then I got nervous and actually leant down and kissed his hand like he was the Pope. This is a job. He immediately... This is a job interview. He immediately whipped his hand back and all I could say was, I'm so sorry, I don't know what I was thinking. Would you believe I did not get the job? That is genuinely... I will lie in bed sleeping tonight and I will piss myself laughing at that.

27:56That's the funniest thing I've ever, ever heard. Why would she kiss his hand? I don't know. It's like your voice. It's like a little devil in her voice came over her. It's like what I did. Have you never had that before? No, you didn't see what I did yesterday. I totally forgot to tell you. One of the people working in the production team, she came up to me and she looked like she was going for a hug. So I put my arms out to go for a hug. And then she pulled away. She was basically being like, she wasn't going for a hug, she just put her arms out wide. So as my arms were out wide, I went, ah, yeah.

28:35I did like a Spanish click. And she was like, what the fuck is he doing? Oh, God. Okay, here's another one. God, it's good. It's good. Okay. Hi, Jamie. I'm a huge fan. I wanted to let you know what a big impact you've had on my life. A while ago, I was at a dinner party at a friend's house when the conversation turned to made in Chelsea. Everyone started reminiscing about the characters on the show, including you and Sophie. I got chatting to the man next to me and started enthusiastically telling him how much I love the podcast you two do together. Anyway, long story short, he asked me out at the end of the night.

29:05And now Noah and I will have been together for two years in December. So I think I owe you and Sophie a thank you for accidentally setting us up. Love from Sienna. Sienna and Noah took the nicest names I've ever heard of. It's a beautiful name. That's a beautiful couple. Beautiful couple. Beautiful couple. We set you up. I'm just so into that. I'd like to know more about that. I feel like we did a Cupid's era. Can we get a little bit more detail on you, Sienna and Noah? We'd love to know a little bit more. Maybe a picture. A picture of what you... I think they're both really good looking. I just think they're gorgeous people.

29:37Sienna and Noah. What a slay. All right, everybody. Listen, stay in touch with us. We want to hear from you. Newly Parents podcast on Instagram. You can sign to our DMs. Send us an email. Newlyparents at jamppoproductions.co.uk. Everything is in the show description. Send us a message. We love you guys. That's the end of... Listeners messages. Listeners messages.

29:57Guys, I need to be honest. There's something up with my butt. I wouldn't personally announce this publicly, but again, you'll do what you like. I don't know where it's come from. I don't know what's happened, but I have like a huge, like what I can only describe as a massive graze in between my cheeks. I know what's happened. What has happened? It's almost like someone's waxed your bum, but they've pulled the skin off too. No one has waxed it. I know, but I don't physically understand what's going on. Like your bum has had someone peel off a top layer of skin. I don't know what the hell has happened.

30:28I don't know either, but you've asked me to look at it every single day since we've arrived here and I'm going to tell you right now, today I'm not going to look at it. I haven't had enough of staring into your bum hole. No, you need to keep taking a look. I don't want to look at it. I don't want to go near it. It's so short and I asked Sophie to rub cream into it last night and she would hardly do it. I don't understand why you wouldn't go and just do that for your partner, rub cream. I did do it. You did it very briefly. Yeah, it doesn't have to be a long stin. I put cream cream, done. Yeah, but why wouldn't you?

30:54If you had a... I don't want to be touching that. I don't know what's happened there. I feel very sorry for you, but I'm not going near that. But it got me thinking about that area and that we're in LA and Hollywood. And you've heard the rumour about Richard Gere having a gerbil up his butt. I know. I have heard this rumour. That is obviously an urban myth. I actually don't know if Richard Gere put a gerbil up his butt. Only Richard Gere knows that. And Richard Gere alone. Out of all rumours, that one's a hard one to shake. Apparently there's a documentary about it. And now there's a documentary we found out about it.

31:34Having a jubble up his arse. So I just want to understand, like, if you wanted to do that... You're going to ask me what animal I'd shove up my bum. Is that what you're going to ask me? Because I would never do that. I think it's so cruel for the animal. They do not deserve that. They did not ask to live up there. And they don't want to do that. And I'm not answering the question. I was never going to ask what animal you'd shove at your butt. That's not what I'm asking. I'm still confused how you even get the gerbil up there. I think that you would get a pipe and you would lie on your side. You would loop the pipe.

32:08You would stick the pipe up your bum and then you would put a gerbil up the bum, scurry up there, then you'd pull the pipe out and it'd be trapped in there. And I don't approve of it. I don't think it's nice. I think it's nasty, in fact. Really, really nasty. Why would the gerbil go towards that hole? Because there's only one hole. It's a pipe. it's not gonna it can't turn around in the pipe it has one way it's a tunnel I think what you'd have to do and I don't know how long the pipe is it doesn't really matter you'd have to lube up the pipe it's quite a thick pipe quite big and I think you'd have to put some cheese at the end of it and then put the gerbil in and let it go for the cheese I think it's a nasty nasty game that game that gerbil did not deserve that okay well the other thing we haven't spoken about is the fact that I'm now a dragon on Dragon's Den.

32:58The announcement came out a while ago, guys, but I am a dragon on Dragon's Den. Hell to the yeah. Hell to the fucking yeah. To our American audience, that's like being a shark on Shark Tank. Is that what it's called? Yeah. Do you know what? Some people, this is where I worry about the audience because some audiences will be listening to this podcast and thinking, how the hell is that guy a dragon on Dragon's Den? But I am. I'm a dragon on Dragon's Den. It's pretty fucking cool. Have you ever watched Dragon's Den? Of course I've watched Dragon's Den. Okay, so who are the dragons? Deborah Mead and Peter Jones.

33:28Stephen Bartlett. Yeah, nice. You got it so far. Sir Alan Trump. Sir Alan Trump. Yeah. Sir Alan Trump. Sir Alan Sugar I knew. Sir Alan Sugar. And then me. Oh my God, Duncan Ballantyne. Loved him. He was my absolute favourite. Is he still one? He's not still one, no. So you've replaced Duncan Ballantyne. So now I'm a dragon on Dragon's Den. And I was thinking, if you were going to come into the den, if you were coming in to do a pitch on Dragon's Den, you're bringing in a business, Okay, so don't tell me what the business is yet, because I need to practice being a dragon, right? And you're going to be my guinea pig.

34:00So I want you to come into the den, and you're going to pitch me your business idea, and I'm either going to be in, or I'm going to be out. Okay. Okay, here we go. Doors open. Introduce yourself, and you walk in. Go. Hi, my name's Sophie, and I am going to pitch to you my company, Beds for Horses. I can't. Are you okay, Jamie? Do you want me to give you a minute? I'm going to give you a minute because if you as a dragon laughed in my face, I'd be really fucking disappointed. Yeah. Can you, what's it called again? Beds for Horses comes from the notion that horses actually probably want to sleep lying down, probably want to sleep on beds.

34:48But we as a nation and a universe have always decided that they should stand on all their four legs out in the cold. And I think that they are huge mammals, great animals, really beautiful, majestic creatures, and they should be allowed to sleep. Now, beds for horses arrive. Oh my God, the name is so good. please because if you laughed at me like that i wouldn't be very pleased with you now beds for horses it's cheap it's durable it's planet free it's good for the planet it's eco-friendly and actually it can double up as a bed for a human too what are you laughing at can i ask a question what do you say what do you what is it a mattress or a bed?

35:40It's a mattress made out of hay that can fold up and be portable in the back of a horse van. So you can take it to different areas. Can I just put the other side? If you want to do menage or dressage. It's just a hay bale. It's just a hay bale. No, it's a mattress. It's a hay bale in mesh. So the hay doesn't go everywhere and it feels like a mattress for them so they can lie down. So it's a mattress but instead of feathers it's hay in it. Yeah, exactly. And there's no cotton over the top. So I'm just as though, is it? It's mesh over the top so the horses can feel the hay. They can smell the hay.

36:13They know that it's bedtime. What do you mean by mesh? Mesh. Like netting. So it's netted. It's hay and net. So it's a thin layer of a mattress and surrounding the mattress is hay. So they get the comfort of the mattress, but they feel at home with the hay. And it's confined in mesh. So it's not messy. It's portable. You can actually fold it up. And we've got a carrier with handles that you can put in the back of a van, a horse carriage. Great. And you can take it to the menage or the dressage. And can I ask, how much money are you looking for, for what equity? I am looking for 2 million for 10%.

36:46So you're valuing your business at 20 million? Yeah. And how much have you sold so far? None so far. But you're valuing the business at 20 million? Interesting. All right. And if I was going to be an investor, how could I help you? I would like you to test out the bets for at least a month and just tell the audience and the listeners and talk about it on your social media and maybe your podcast about how much you like sleeping on a hay bed. And then you could maybe buy a horse for your wife. It's unbelievable, honey. It's unbelievable. It's absolutely phenomenal in every single way. I would invest in you.

37:25Thank you. Are you excited to meet Biondre? I am really excited. It's a huge thing. I'm so proud of you. Ziggy will be so proud. I mean, how cool for him when he gets to go into school and they ask what his daddy is and he'll say he's a dragon on Dragon's Day. Thanks, sister. Are you proud of me? Very, very proud. There we go. Exactly. Well, listen, ladies and gentlemen, on that note, we're coming to the end of the podcast. But as always, we like to do a newly founded. This is where we shout out people, businesses, individuals who deserve it. Okay, and today's newly founded is from Jess, who says, hi, Safi and Jamie.

37:55Please may you give my wonderful mum, Annie Simpson, a shout out. I'm in awe of my mum for many reasons. She raised me as a single mum and gave me the absolute world. So I want to shout from the rooftops how unbelievably proud of her I am. With 30 years of experience, she has recently started her new solo business, The Parenthood Consultant. She is a highly qualified baby and child sleep behavior specialist with more knowledge than I knew possible. She has helped so many families with her invaluable support. I speak from personal experience as she's been on the receiving end of many what do I do now messages for my two-year-old daughter, Bonnie.

38:31I would love if other families could be as lucky as us to benefit from her wisdom thank you love Jess Annie we shout you out 100 % that is incredible you are amazing in every single way shout those people out that is incredible come on alright guys that's the end of the episode we hope you enjoyed it listen we're going to be back next week of course with another episode listen if you want to get in touch please do newlyparents at jamperproductions.co.uk or you can slide into our DMs at newlyparentspodcast we want to hear from you tell your stories anything at all anything you want to add honey we love you so much if you're getting married good luck if you're getting engaged oh go for it if you're pregnant oh get ready for that baby to come and if you're renovating a house oh my god yeah that's a big one we love you guys so much we'll see you next week bye goodbye

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