Sophie Has INCREDIBLE Retirement Plans

0:00Most women have been there. Something feels off. You don't feel like yourself. Yet your doctor says everything looks fine. Spoiler, it's your hormones. Midi is a virtual care platform built for women by women and offers specialized hormone care from trained clinicians. Plus, it's covered by most major insurances. Getting started is easy. You can book your first visit with a clinician right away. It's not you. It's your hormones. Visit joinmidi.com to book your first visit. That's joinmidi.com. Insurance coverage varies. Check with your plan for coverage. Therapy's biggest impact doesn't show up in some dramatic breakthrough.

0:34It shows up in the smallest moments. You bite your tongue instead of escalating. You put your phone down instead of firing off that text. You say what you actually mean instead of what would hurt someone else the most. Nobody applauds those moments, but they quietly change your life. That's what growing feels like. And that's exactly what Grow Therapy is here for. Grow is therapy that works, covered by insurance. Sessions average$21 with insurance, and some pay as little as$0, depending on their plan. There are no subscriptions, no long-term commitments. You just pay per session. Grow connects you with thousands of high-quality, licensed therapists across the U.S., offering both virtual and in-person sessions, nights and weekends.

1:18You can search by what matters, like insurance, specialty, identity, or availability. And you can book a therapy session in minutes and begin in as little as two days, not the national 48-day average. See if you could pay as little as$0 for therapy in seconds at growtherapy.com slash ACAST. That's growtherapy.com slash ACAST. growtherapy.com slash ACAST. Availability and coverage vary by state and insurance plan.

2:02Your skin, whatever you used to take your makeup off, looks like it's burning up. It's hell is high water. Hell is half-half fury. I'm hot as anything in my face. It's giving like my skin is burning alive. So if you are watching our podcast today, you're probably wondering what the frick is going on with my face. And my lovely little boxplats. Your little boxplats. We just did our Halloween shoot. Not going to tell you what happened, but I basically look absolutely mad. And yes, I know you're going to think I went as Pippi Longstocking. Pippi. You didn't go as Pippi Longstocking. Pippa or Pippi Longstocking.

2:39Pippi Longstocking. I've never heard of anyone called Pippi, but it's actually a really cute name. Hi, nice to meet you. My name's Pippi. Pippi's quite nice. Wait, hang on a second. That is a typical you, ADHD. Well, now my brain's gone. Pippi, right. I used to call nipples Pippi's. What the fuck? How have we got here already? You know my family called them sophisms. Yes. One of my biggest ones was, I used to call nipples pippies. I remember my whole childhood, all the mum and dads being like, what are these? And I was like, pippies. And then, you know in Bambi, when they flare, I think it's like the rabbit and the deer, and they're like, twiddle, twiddle, twiddle with their nose.

3:18And their noses, yeah. I called that blousing, right? And I would be like, oh my god, they're blousing. Off the top of your head, you made a laugh. Let's just think about that for a minute. Flirting, blousing, what's fucking better? I would vote blousing. So actually, I should rewrite the dictionary. Okay. So can I just rewind this really quickly before you... I started off by going... And somehow, in the space of about 45 seconds, you managed to get to a place where you've said, I want to rewrite the dictionary. How has that happened? I honestly think I go, you know that an ex-boyfriend of mine used to write down all the sayings.

3:55Like, you've never done that for me. Does that make me a bad husband? It does. It means you don't love me enough. That I don't write down your isms? Write down all my language because it should be. So the amount, it would be too much per day. For a prime example, we're just driving over just now from our Halloween shoot and Sophie went, oh God, turn down the weather in here. You mean the air con? No, that's not. You mean the air con? She said, turn down the weather in the car. You called the air con the weather. The air con is artificial weather. You called the air con the weather. It's quite granny to call it like weather.

4:29It is. It's like my mum will say like, oh, I Skyped Georgia earlier. Like, no, mum, you FaceTimed. And my dad, when he FaceTimes, just puts it to the ear. It's just like, the picture is just his ear. And I'm like, it's FaceTime. And he still does that? No, he's got it now because he's just learned over time. But it took some years, let me tell you. Another good one is like, Like, you know, when people are, like, my mom would be like, oh, were they, like, they were high, right? I'd be like, oh, they, like, something happened, da-da-da-da-da. Like, no matter what it is, cocaine, alcohol, whatever, my mom would be like, so they were stoned.

5:04No, it doesn't work like that. Everything is stoned. Everything is stoned. They had a cigarette. Oh, they're just getting stoned. Okay, let's just go back to the beginning. We've had a long day when we're recording a podcast. This is going to be a wild one, everyone. I'm dressed like an absolute idiot. I cannot wait for you to see this Halloween shoot. Maybe our most iconic, maybe our weirdest. So all of that combined, let's... Welcome to... Nearly Parents. Welcome to Nearly Parents. It's Nearly Parents. What did you say? Nearly, and then you said nearly. For fuck's sake, let's start the episode.

5:34Hello, I'm Jamie Lang. And I'm Sophie Lang. And now, we're Newly Parents. Oh, yeah, we are, baby. Hello, everybody. Welcome back to Newly Parents. How you doing? What's up? What's up? Okay, what are we going to talk about today? I see a little bit blurry in my eyes. I'm a little bit blurry in my eyes. Oh, oh, you've got blurry eye thing. Okay, can we just talk about this? No, it's because I have makeup in my eyes. I understand. But can I just talk about this? Like, why, why, why do we not have an eye cleanser that doesn't not make us blind? Because every time I'm in the shower, I'm blind for the whole evening.

6:09Do you not see me in the middle of the night? Like, I'm getting a flannel and I'm scooping out my eyeballs themselves. I may as well, like, douche my eyes. It's like, I'm over it. From whatever time I take my makeup off, say it's 6pm, say it's 8pm, I won't see until the morning. Like nothing. Forget looking at Instagram. Forget watching TV. So hang on, is this what's in my eyes at the moment? Because I can't really see anything. Yeah, it's like not makeup. It's the oil from the frigging eye cleansers and like someone's sorted out. It's like, do you know when you go swimming for a long time when you're younger and then you get out of the pool and the chlorine has kind of like made your eyes a bit like blurry?

6:44It's like sun creams are constantly in your eyes and you're like, I'm blurred. By the way, the episode that you weren't on, we never debriefed. We had Penny on. I know. And I saw that she took ex-CYU at school and loved her boyfriend's knees. And I was cracking the fuck up. Like, that's the funniest thing I've ever heard. Were you just at school? And she was like, okay. And popped a pill. Yeah. And also, where was my little sister who was not at boarding school? By the way, Penny said how what a great parent you are. That's so sweet. She said you were a very good parent. And I ditto that. You are a very fantastic parent.

7:15And so are you. Yeah, but you're a little bit better than me. If it was a race, you'd be a touch ahead. You are. You just sort of get it. Apart from, I'll tell you this is what's happened recently. Sophie is a parent, okay? Ziggy has had a temperature recently. And for anyone who doesn't have kids, when kids have temperatures, they like are upset and they're unwell. And so he comes to sleep in our bed. Sophie does. And it's lovely. And then Ziggy comes and sleeps on us. And that's what happens. Sophie will do this. Sophie will say, let him sleep on me. So I'm like, brilliant. All right, great.

7:43I'll let him sleep on you. So I take him down. I rock him. He falls asleep. I put him on to Sophie. Bish, bang, bosh. I climb into bed next to her. We fall asleep. That's what happens. 1am in the morning, two hours later, on my leg, banging. I'm like, what the fuck's that? Sophie looks at me and goes, can you take him? Can you take him? I'm like, you want me to take him now? I'm like, okay. And then you hand him over to me. Yeah, because I actually let a bit of pee out. Like, I tried to ignore. Wait, what do you mean? I tried to ignore the fact that I was so desperate for a pee but my son was sleeping so snugly up in my neck and I was like this is just bliss every part of this I love but like I've got a bad pelvic floor and I needed we so much and he was also like kind of his feet were on my bladder and I was like oh my god so I said just sleep through it sleep through it and as I closed my eyes and drifted off I just felt myself let go a tiny bit of pee so I was like you need to take him because I need to go to the loo and obviously I'm not going to carry him while he's asleep whilst I pee so so you actually let out a bit of pee It's just a tiny, tiny droplet Tiny droplet It's also the funny thing that happens Because Ziggy will be temperature, right?

8:53So he's been upset Sophie will be rocking him like this Anyway, and I will come upstairs to try and help out And I'll walk into the room And I'll go really close up to him and go like Do you want some help? And Ziggy will go like arch back And Sophie will go, look what you're doing You're waking him up Can I just say that he is fast asleep, curled up in my arms. And he literally, I don't know what it is about Jamie, but he like smells your breath. He smells you from down the hall. Like you will put one foot in that nursery. He's awake, headwound, turning around, looking at you. And I'm like, oh my God, he's just been sleeping with me for 20 minutes.

9:29And now he's like this, trying to find you. I'm like, how? But the best morning I've ever had was this morning with him ever. I didn't even tell you this because it was so glorious. So he's in our bed. he's had a bit of a temperature recently he's slowly getting better which is great news he slept on our bed last night and so he slept on me last night after Sophie slept on Sophie and he was slowly waking up like he was waking up and it was quite nice and I was awake with him watching him wake up I haven't been in the room when I've watched him wake up but I was watching him wake up and it was so nice and then he sits up in bed and he looks over to me and my eyes are open and he has this big smile like this and he's like smiling and I'm like oh my god hi baby and then And he sees you and tries to crawl over to you.

10:12And I went, mommy's over there. Mommy's over there. And so he's like trying to get over to you. And then he made a noise and you woke up. It was like the most beautiful. And you know when you wake up and you haven't had much sleep, but for some reason it's like seeing like a glorious sunrise. You sort of wake up and you're like, I feel pretty good. I'm ready to fucking eat this day. Yeah, it is like that. It's like they really can steal your sleep. But then you wake up and see them and you're like, oh my God. but I feel so happy. So listen, Penny came on the podcast. Do you know what Penny said?

10:42Penny said she's had more fun in her last 10 years than she's ever had in her town life. How cool is that? She didn't say that to me on the episode but she said that to me afterwards. Yeah. No way. What in her six... She said the last 10 years have been the best fun ever. So much fun. She's got to travel the world, see the different things and she's a grandparent. It's like amazing. So can you imagine us as grandparents and what would we be like? Because I can tell exactly what you'd be like. I would be... I'm just going to be the best grandparent ever. Like, I want to be, like, smoking a fag.

11:12I want to be smoking a fag, dancing in the clubs with them. So you're going to be the most, like, inappropriate grandmother. Yeah, in the best way. Like, they're going to be like, Grammy, come out with me. Or, like, actually... Are they American? Grammy! Grammy. Like, they're going to be like, Grams, come out with me. My gram's sick. She'll come to Ibiza Pasha with us. And I'm going to be there like this. Oots, oots, oots, oots, oots. Okay, so many things don't pack here. Fag in hand. perfect grey hair. Like, I want my hair to be white, blow-dried grey. And I'm just going to be ootsing up wearing a nanny's Ibiza dress and I can't fucking wait.

11:48Honestly, I'm going to give no fucks. From the age of 60, that's it for me. I'm not going to give a flying F. So many things we need to unpack here, right? First thing is this. The first thing is, we've spoken about this, you and I, before. We've got to talk about it here. Sophie does this thing, which I don't really understand. I've let it fly so many times, but she does this. Oots, oots, oots, oots. What I think she's trying to do is nts, nts, nts, nts. But she's saying oats. She's going oats, oats, oats. Well, I'm not. What, oots in a Scottish accent? Oots, yeah. Can I get some oots? Can I get some oots?

12:25Oots, oots, oots. Listen, if I started going oots, oots, oots, you'd all be like, is she okay? But if I'm going oots, oots, oots, isn't it like... No, that's weirder. Is it? Hey, honey, I'm going to Ibiza next weekend. Guess what I'm going to do? oats, oats, oats. I would be like fucking funny. He's a weirdo. He's a really weird bloke. That's the first thing I want to unpack. The second thing I want to unpack is this, is why are you smoking? I'm just like, what have I got to live for? Just like enjoy every aspect of life. Are we still married? I'm going to be weeding it up. I'm going to be, that is a very grandma thing to say.

12:59I'm going to be smoking it up. Weeding it up. So I'm like 60. I'm going to smoke what I want. I'm going to drink what I want. I'm going to see my grandkids. I'm going to go to the theatre every week. I'm going to go to the cinema on my own. With you, sorry. Am I alive? Where am I? You're also alive with me and you're doing it with me. I'm smoking. I'm exhausted. I don't want to be smoking and drinking in the class. Okay, but we don't have to smoke and drink every day. But if we want to, we can. So I'm alive. I'm with you. This is nice. What are we doing in retirement? Give me that. What are we looking like there?

13:31Well, I would like to have a sanctuary farm. where like I've got like I've told you this before like I've got the goats that like have got three legs and I've got like the foxes that have like been blinded but honestly like my truth is I want to have like a really fuck off mansion and half of it to be like doggy animal world that like is a bit smelly and dirty and then half of it is like in our area and like I want staff and a chef oh okay nice you know and so I can like go and chill with the doggies and the ponies and I want like the ponies to sleep indoors if they want to. Why would they want to?

14:08Why wouldn't they? Do you want to sleep out? Has anyone ever asked a horse if it wants to sleep outside? Like, why the fuck do they want to sleep in hay standing up in the rain? Like, let them lie down and give them a bed. Wait, do you think they want to sleep? Do you think horses actually want to sleep in beds? We don't know. until we give them a choice. Like, we really don't know. So I would give those animals that choice. How would you explain the choice to them? I would just keep the doors open and they can go outside, there'll be a horse flap, a big cat flap but made for a horse and they can go in and out as they please.

14:48Isn't that just a door? No, because it's... Why do you have to put a flap in the way? Because it'd have to, like, you know, the Brussels that they come out of. Like, they go... And why do you need that? Why do you just have an open door? Because that's breezy as fuck. You want to like keep out the bugs. You know what I mean? It's the same. It's like, why would you have a cat flap? It should just be an open hole. You have a flap. So that it's like the wind's capped out and the rats are capped out. Because rats... Rats can get through that, trust me. I don't want them in there. I'm really sorry.

15:18I don't want the rats in the house. So you're telling me if you were Noah, you wouldn't let rats on that boat? Field mice can come sleep in my bed. A rat, I don't like them. and I'm so sorry. I know people have them as pets, but I really don't like them. I don't see a purpose for them. They carry diseases. They bite you. My friend Victoria got bitten by a rat and you can die from a rat bite. You can't. Yeah, you can. You can die from a rat bite. Your foot, your leg. You're just banging on the top of your head. You can die from a rat bite and they have the biggest teeth. Their face is basically just a teeth, two claws that can nibble your mouth, leg open.

15:55They're horrible creatures. I'm sorry. They are. They're good-for-nothing animals. that's how I feel about them but that is what I would like how big and terrifying are their teeth they're so have you ever seen a rat look at a rat do a rat's face looks like zoom in google what a rat's face looks like up close do a rat's face go like it's almost as bad as like in fact it's worse than a monster in a movie so that's what I would like so who else is in so what other animals are in the house you've got your horses they're nice because you're true foxes, rabbits, goats, sheep cows and you think cows also would like to sleep inside I don't know.

16:32Dogs, anything. Like cats, turtles, bunions of turtles. Bundles of turtles. Bunions of turtles. We could even let the turtles live in, like they could be in the pool as much as they wanted to. You know what I mean? No, you're joking. This is my house. I basically want an animal manor. No, Sophie. And like half of it's immaculate and clean and like doesn't smell of shit. And then the other half can be like taken over by the animals, like Dr. Little, Dr. Doodittle. Dr. Doodittle, yeah. And we can just pick and choose which area we want to be in. Like, we can go through that door. Why are the turtles swimming in our pool?

17:05We can't swim in it. Of course we can. We dive into the pool. The turtles are freaking out. No, not these turtles because I've nurtured them and I've given them a home and they know us. They don't know you. They have no clue who you are. You're completely not an alien stranger. You're really shitting on my future life that you've asked me about. I'm there. So what's your future life? Brilliant. Thank you for asking. Probably living in Florida. we're playing very classic old age retirement yeah thank you very much we're playing a lot of golf together never play golf you'll learn don't worry or I'll play with my AI robot it's true yeah I will we'll just be hanging out we're going for dinners I'm going to be drinking martinis the whole time you hate martinis I'll learn to love them at that age you can like not be cool and drink what you really want to drink which is a fruit shoot a Robinson's fruit shoot I'd love to maybe a milkshake but like you can dip a little bit of vodka in it if you want to give yourself the buzz, but you don't like the flavor of alcohol, so you don't need to pretend at that age.

18:05I'll be smoking cigars. That's what I'll be doing. I've never seen you smoke one. Yeah, but I'll learn again. I'll learn. I'm going to drink brandy, smoke cigars, and just do that. Eat like Mackeys every day. Every single day. Every single day. That is a big question I want to ask you. What is your McDonald's order? If you were going through a drive-thru right now, what would be your McDonald's order? Okay, growing up, it was always chicken nuggets, but now it would be a burger. Okay, well, there's a plethora of burgers. Which one are you choosing? Oh, a normal beef burger. Yes. Is it a Big Mac?

18:37What's a Big Mac? Double burgers. Is it a Big Mac or is it a Happy Meal? Is it a normal burger? What's a Happy Meal for kids? It's a little burger, yeah. It's probably just a normal burger. When was the last time you went to McDonald's? Probably when I passed my driving test when I was 17. I went to a McDonald's drive-thru. We need to get you a McDonald's. I actually fucking love a McDonald's. We need to get you a McDonald's and you need to try a McDonald's on our podcast. I cannot believe you haven't tried McDonald's. Do you think it's upgraded since then? Yeah. So that was what? 15 years ago.

19:09It's absolutely... I've not had a McDonald's for 15 years. When was the last time you guys had a McDonald's? Like yesterday. No, tell the truth. Like I had a McDonald's on this weekend. That was an anomaly. I was out on a night out and it's the obvious ending to a night out. Yeah. Oh my God, when was the last time you had one? Because I live with you, I haven't had it for ages. Well, hear me out. Because we're talking about retirement, we're talking about our own age. What would your last meal be on earth? And what movie are you going to watch at the end? Go. Okay. Starter. Yeah. Is going to be...

19:43Well, now all I can think about is McDonald's. So Starter's going to be a McDonald's banana milkshake. That's your starter. That's just my drink, actually. What am I talking about? Right, right. Starter's a McDonald's banana milkshake. Yeah, nice. My chips are Burger King chips because I've had the Burger King chips and there's nothing fucking better. My main is... That's your starter. Chips. Burger King chips. No, that's my side. My main is going to be...

20:10A Joe and the Juice. They're fucking delicious, guys. This is the worst last meal I've ever come across. Okay, I would have a plate of pate negra Spanish ham. Nice. Come on. I would then also get some calamari along with really depends what I'm going for because I've just had a Joe and the juice I'm quite like full up but maybe like a really fat delicious burger you're not very decisive today I'd be decisive alright well what's yours I can tell you straight up I know what yours is and I'm embarrassed for you what would it be a pea soup asparagus soup asparagus soup from a place you went in France yeah delicious probably I had that as my starter your main would be some form of pie shepherds or lamb cottage potentially or I'd go for delicious carbonara.

20:52Or I might go for an entrecote. Delicious. There you go. Now we're talking about the side of fries and that lovely peppercorn sauce. Divine dessert. Banoffee pie. We have the same main course. And the movie that I'm watching is True Romance. What movie are you watching? Just go with it. Just go with it. Look at that. Okay. Why is mine funny? It's hilarious. That's what you would watch. I love that movie. By the way, Guinness World Record for the oldest married couple ever, Lyle and Eleanor Gittins. They were married for 83 years. So they must have got married at like 18. Combined age of over 216 years old.

21:29That is incredible. Guys, I don't know. That's made me feel really emotional. Yeah. I know I don't look like it has, but like that scent like a butterfly in my stomach. That is, I love them so much. Please can we freaking get them on this podcast or go visit them? Like I'm not even joking. I feel deeply connected to them. Why? I don't know. I just can't imagine that is the sweetest thing ever. They've done 83 years together. Imagine the lives they live. Yeah, it's the most beautiful thing in the world. Oh, I just love them. So that's going to be us. Do you think we're going to be married for 83 years?

21:58Yeah. So how old will we be when we die? Well, I am 30-odd at the moment. We've been married for three years. Shitting how. We're going to be way too old. I have to survive until about... I have to survive to 117 years old. Yeah, well, apparently, guys... Until I get to that. Apparently, it's going to happen. I was having a facial the other day and my facialist told me that with AI because we're going to get super intelligence in the next two years that we are going to live to 300 years old and like that we will not age and we're also all going to be on a government wage because we won't be able to work because robots will take over we're going to live to 300 years old yeah 300 each one of us will live to 300 so we've got fuck close the F guys 270 years left I've got 270 years left I've got I don't think you're going to live that long Don't shrug your shoulders at me You don't know The world is changing fast Thick and fast Alright listen ladies This has been an absolute wild beginning to our episode as always I'm so sorry for all your ears and all your eyes But as always We like to move on into this little section Because you have written to us It's time for listeners' messages.

23:22I'm Elizabeth Day, creator and host of How To Fail, where we hear from people like this. I think women as they get older become juicier and sexier and more embedded in their truth and who they are. My job, it's so public. and I often think, what gives me the right to judge people? And even... I knew I was obviously doing it and I was like, he just thought I was being really frisky on holiday. He was like, this is great. That's how to fail. Find it wherever you're listening to this. Therapy's biggest impact doesn't show up in some dramatic breakthrough. It shows up in the smallest moments. You bite your tongue instead of escalating.

24:02You put your phone down instead of firing off that text. You say what you actually mean instead of what would hurt someone else the most. Nobody applauds those moments, but they quietly change your life. That's what growing feels like. And that's exactly what Grow Therapy is here for. Grow is therapy that works, covered by insurance. Sessions average$21 with insurance and some pay as little as$0 depending on their plan. There are no subscriptions, no long-term commitments. You just pay per session. Grow connects you with thousands of high-quality, licensed therapists across the U.S., offering both virtual and in-person sessions, nights and weekends.

24:42You can search by what matters, like insurance, specialty, identity, or availability. And you can book a therapy session in minutes and begin in as little as two days, not the national 48-day average. See if you could pay as little as$0 for therapy in seconds at growtherapy.com slash ACAST. That's growtherapy.com slash ACAST. growtherapy.com slash ACAST. Availability and coverage vary by state and insurance plan. 75 % of women who seek menopause care don't receive it. The lying awake at 3 a.m. wondering what's happening to your body ends now. MIDI is virtual care built for women in perimenopause and menopause with clinicians who specialize in women's health.

25:26Plus, it's covered by most major insurances. Getting started is easy. You can book your first visit with a clinician right away. Midlife needs MIDI. Visit joinmidi.com to book your first visit today. That's joinmidi.com. Insurance coverage varies. Check with your plan for coverage. By the way, Sophie's shoes today look like a camel's toe. I mean, these shoes have been around for decades. Are two of your toes in one section? No. So that's just your big toe? Yeah. You've got to show the camera this. The hooves. The hooves. Okay, go for me. Very comfy. Here we go. Okay. Hi, Jamie and Sophie. Alice here.

26:03Hi. I'm writing this on the way home from possibly the most embarrassing weekend of my life. Can't wait. After a difficult year, including moving from South Africa to the UK for a relationship that sadly ended, I booked a silent retreat in the Cotswolds to clear my head. The first day was eventful, but that night I developed an upset stomach. I suspect the dinner wasn't as lactose-free as promised. At a silent retreat, this is gold. During meditation the next morning, my stomach started making noises. I closed my eyes, focused on my breathing and hoped nobody could hear. Then I farted. It was silent, thank God, but the smell was horrendous.

26:45Oh my God. Oh my God. I can't think of anything else. The woman next to me actually covered her nose with her sleeve.

26:56that's genuinely I feel sick for you I can't I covered her nose with her sleeve silent everyone like soon I felt another one coming I thought it would also be silent but it echoed around the room and smelled just as bad

27:15everyone looked genuinely disgusted eventually the man leading the session tapped me on the shoulder and whispered that perhaps I should step outside. I fled the hall and left the retreat immediately. There was no way I could face anyone again. I may not have found inner peace, but I certainly broke the silence. Do you remember that story? Oh my God. Do you remember that story that we got through when a guy was in his university class in the front row and he farted so loudly that everyone turned towards him and he went, the desk. And the teacher came to try and move the desk. And it was bolted down.

27:53so good have you seen the video from covid when like everyone's having a lecture on zoom and it says hundreds of people and then somebody farts and they think they can get away with it because they're on zoom but the automatic camera cuts to them oh my oh so good so good i i just got a flashback at the time that i had to do a speed awareness course right and um you obviously you have to keep your cameras on and like no one else is allowed to be in the room there's all these rules and regulation right this was during covid this was during covid and i'm sat on the speed awareness course and jamie walks past me in the back of shop stark bollock naked completely naked so not only did you walk through stark bollock naked but you also are quite recognizable and all these people like my age and they were like i could see them like you were just like your whole cock was just out.

28:46That's good. Okay, I got a listeners message. Here we go. I absolutely love the pod and listen religiously every Monday morning. I have a story to share with you. My parents were staying with us for a week, so we had no privacy. One night, my partner and I were desperate for a quickie. So we snuck out to the car in the garage and got down to business. We had to be quiet, but that made it all the more sexy. It's probably important to know we have a Volvo S60 Which has an SOS button in the roof for emergencies Somehow me and my husband pressed it And the car started making an emergency call to the Volvo Assistance Center We started to panic and we scrambled to get dressed while trying to cancel the call But then a woman came through on the speakers asking if we needed help While we were trying to tell her there'd been no accident and we were both fine The door to the garage opened with both my parents and our son came in to see what the commotion was.

29:45There was no point trying to lie. We just did the British thing and avoided eye contact for the rest of the weekend. I hope this serves as a warning to anyone else thinking of having sex in a Volvo. That's awful. Volvos are a great car. Volvos are a great car. I love that you caveated with that. They're a great car. They are. That's what we had growing up was a Volvo. Great 4x4 Volvo. Good family. Solid family car. Solid family car, that is. Okay, I've actually got a really sweet... My friend, I told you this before, my friend was driving down to Cornwall. Yeah. His name is ***, and he was driving down to Cornwall in a Volvo, and he told me this, we were going around having a weird conversation.

30:24We were having a weird conversation in the weirdest places anyone had masturbated. And it got to my friend ***, and he said he sat in the boot of his Volvo car where his grandparents drove him down to Cornwall when he had a wank in the boot. Wank in the boot? why would his parents drive him in a boot of the car because there were just loads of people in the car I really feel sorry for this guy because what if he listens to some things well thanks don't worry we'll bleep his name there was oh my god there's so many weird things that happen with like guys one guy used to tell me I met a guy who was much older when I was younger you've met a lot of really fucking weird people I went to boarding school honey it's a lot of weird stuff happens okay when I was at boarding school there was an older guy who told me He basically told us all the etiquette That if you want to relieve yourself Right?

31:13Get a piece of tissue paper Salitate the tissue paper to the desk So it hangs down You then put tissue papers on the ground When you go to orgasm You orgasm onto it The weight of it drops down onto the ones below And then you fold off and put it in the bin So what, you would do it in the classroom? At the desk? No, you had a desk in your room Oh my god, you're so gross It's so gross Okay I don't know how we got in And I'm really sorry to everyone who's been listening to that. I used to be way more, since having a son, I'm like, I always like become a bit more coy about things. Yeah. Okay. I've got a little book.

31:46Okay. I've got to say, where's this book come from? So this is a special listener's message to finish off this week. And Emma Campbell has sent us a copy of her book, which is coming out next year. And it's a memoir about the case of life, relationship breakdowns, cancer treatment, raising her four children, including triplets. Jesus. Wow. And caring for her elderly parents and in the midst of all that, finding joy in going for a run. And one of the chapters when she's training for a marathon is called Jamie, You're My Hero. Wow. And it's about how she draws confidence from newly parents and when Jamie did his comic relief challenge.

32:21I'm going to read a little extract from this book. Wow, this is amazing. Jamie, You're My Hero. I'm just going to do what Jamie Leng did. You know he recently ran five ultra marathons in five days, right? For comic relief. amazing. I mean, we're all a bit in love with Jamie, aren't we? Anyway, I was listening to his podcast, Newlyweds. Love it. Love him and Sophie. Talk about couple goals. And he was chatting to this guy. What's his name? The Hardest Geyser or something. And he's done these crazy runs across Africa and stuff. And he was asking Jamie how his training was going. And Jamie said he'd only run 15k at a time.

32:56And there was a stunned silence. And the Geyser guy said, we're verging on stupid there I can't lie and Jamie seemed genuinely shocked it sounded as though Sophie had her head in her hands in complete despair and then the guy said okay so this is a disaster and basically from a running perspective it's a total nightmare so what you've got to do is you've got to remember your why and that's all I'm going to read about that do you know it's true though by the way you always do need a why for stuff and I remember I told you that story of like the why for Radio 1 that comic relief run which was like the most amazing thing ever like I remember when I was doing the comic relief run and on like the third day I kind of forgot the why of why I was doing anything I was like so tired and so broken and so I'm just just exhausted in every single way and I was just like oh guys can't do this anymore in five ultramathons in five days just too much and on the third day I woke up and I got on the radio and there was this amazing young girl who'd left me a voice note right and she left me a voice note saying Jamie don't worry I've donated my pocket money to you she was 11 years old I donated my pocket money for you to complete these marathons.

34:02And it was so special. And she said, if you can get through these next few days, I can get through my chemo. That's so sweet. It's so sweet. And I was just like, oh my God. So that was my why for the run. She was that why. I was like, if this girl can get through her chemo, I can definitely do this run. So Emma Campbell, thank you for your book. But more importantly, you reminded me of the why in life. Isn't that cool? All right, everybody. Well, listen, that's the end. Oh, wait, if you want to send them in, by the way, Keep sending them in. Your books, Emma, Campbell, we love that. Send them to Newly Parents Podcast on Instagram or Newly Parents at jampopproductions.co.uk.

34:37Everything is in the show description. That's the end of listening messages. Of course, it's been a bit of a wild episode today. By the way, anything that you would like to add before we move on? Anything that you want to tell me, you want to get off your chest? Me. Anything that I've irritated you with this week? Anything that's given you the ick? Anything that's annoyed you? Anything that you haven't been able to say now is your time I can't think of anything Nothing that's given you the ick recently Yeah, I'll tell you I'll tell you I really, really can't I get the ick with how much you want to do a TikTok And I've told you before and I'll tell you again It icks me the frick out I don't mind younger I think the girlies on TikTok are so cool But you're 37 Why are you so desperate for me to film TikToks with you all hours of the day?

35:27I'm like, I don't even have the app. Yeah, fair. And it kind of thumbs me out. If I'm being completely honest, it kind of does. I love filming things. No, you love TikTok because you want to be young and down with the kids. Can I tell you what icks me out about you? That dressing gown you wear. I know, I know. That is. I know. That dressing gown. That dressing gown. When that dressing gown comes out, it's basically you in your head going, I don't give a fuck anymore it's basically you going I don't care I don't care if you fancy me I don't care can I just say it's like if you if I was to say old mother Hubbard and you were to think of what she would be wearing that's Sophie in her dressing gown can I just say a big fluffy brown one it's a Soho home dressing gown big fluffy it doesn't mean that can I just ask you guys something to the girlies out there because I know every other one of my friends I know has the same, not just a dressing gown, the same dressing gown as me.

36:31And all of them are allowed to wear it. Okay, I'm going to ask you listeners. I would like to know if you own a dressing gown and you wear it. Because I don't think people do. Guys, vote. Do you have a dressing gown? Yeah, it's so normal. It's so unsexy. It's the most unsexy thing. But when I'm not in my dressing gown and I'm in like dinosaur pajamas, you think that's sexy. Yeah, you look hot as anything, girl. I know. Okay. I'm in my if only 90 down to my ankles. That's sexy. Is that that big checkered thing that looks like you're going to go and do like an art teacher? Yeah, it does. That's sexy.

37:05All right, listen. It's been a weird episode today, so I have something for you. It is a psychopath test. The reason I'm doing this on you is because part of me thinks you could be a psychopath. The reason I think you're a psychopath is because you say sometimes your head talks to you. Voices in your head speak to you. Sophie said oh the voices in my head are loud today and I was like are you crazy no no no guys apparently it was like really heightened anxiety to actually cry for me but once I was like in the shower and like I thought of a thought right so say I was like oh like oh I've got to I'm going to Alice's house after school today and I remember the wording in my head was like I'm going to Alice's house after school today and I was like why didn't my thought just sounds so loud in my head.

37:53It just shouted back at me. It was so disturbing. And like, it then happened a couple, like throughout my life, I reckon like five times I've been in a shower and my thoughts shouted at me. And I was like, what is going on? But it's not like a different voice. It's not saying, Sophie, go do this. It's the thought like, oh, I want to join the juice. But it's like, I want to join the juice. Oh my God. Jesus Christ. Oh my God. Do you think there's something wrong with me? Yes. Old mother Hubbard Okay, here we go Hubbard You ready for this? Right I'm going to play it with you And you have to It's a scale Ten questions One is strongly disagree Five is strongly agree You have to pick a number Okay, and then we're going to be scoring for Alex Here we go I can be extremely charming When I want something from someone Probably five I think you're a good five Actually, I don't think I am Because I'm not very good at like I would actually say you're a three I would say I'm more a five You're five I'm actually pretty shit Like I You're a three You can't be bothered I can't really Like muster up a charm So let's call it a two Actually I'm gonna go for a five So Jamie's a five You're fucking charming I've never seen Anyone walk a room like you Psychopath Okay Number two I can lie convincingly Without feeling nervous Or guilty Can you be honest?

39:08If the lie is like A lie that's not hurting anyone I'm not gonna feel guilty And I can definitely Do it convincingly So Wow I'm four But to me, lying is just acting Alright, you psychopath What are you then? Do I feel nervous? I feel nervous and guilty I would feel nervous and guilty I would feel guilty too I don't think you do I think you can lie And you've lied to me before And you didn't feel No, no, no, no, no Listen, it's very different If you said, like, did you get Botox? And I would not feel guilty saying no I would I would too I'm going to be real Honey, you've lied to me before With the jumper that you shrunk And all these different things You've lied to me so much then I found out later it's a lie.

39:48And I was like, you've just lied about that. No, I do feel guilty. I feel fearful I'm going to get caught out. I would say like 3.54. I'm going to give you a four. I'm going to give her a four. I'm going to say for me, I reckon I'm a two. We're taking it so seriously. When I hurt someone, I tend to get over it more quickly than they do. No, no. You get over it so quick. Only with you in an argument because I think you're so sensitive and I think it's silly that you'll get hurt. Psychopath, right there. No, but like with normal people, Like, say if I hurt a friend, two years later, I still feel guilty about it.

40:19But I just don't know how to communicate that. I really do. I really, really do. Two, three. What do you think? One. One. I'm going to go for a two for me. Other people's feelings really affect the decision I make. Oh, my God. Mine's, like, strongly disagree. Other people's feelings really affect my decisions. So I'm going to go for a one for me on that one. Me too. I'm willing to manipulate someone if it helps me get what I want. You're a five on that, for sure. All right, put it out there. I'll take that. What are you? What would you think? I think you're a three. I become bored very easily and constantly need excitement.

40:54You're off the road to sail on that. I don't need excitement. I'm happy. I think you're a three. I'm a solid three. I'm a five. You're a ten if there was a ten. Oh my God. I often act first and worry about the consequences later. You're a five. Shit. I'm a five on that as well. I'm also maybe a four. Yes, you are. I would happily break a rule if I knew I couldn't be caught I'm a five I'm also a five what kind of rule are we talking Jesus when something goes wrong my instinct is to find someone else to blame Sophie's a five on that I'm not I will take the blame I'm a three on that one Jesus speaking of psychopaths Spencer Matthews is ringing me ten I can remove someone from my life quite easily when they are no longer useful to me no we both can't do that can't do that We're all good at that.

41:43I would say we're not good at that. And why would we? Maybe a two on that one? Not a one, two. Okay, so I think I'm going to be higher than you. Yeah, me too. I think I'm going to be middle range. You're going to be a little bit below me. Yeah. Alex, what are the results? Okay, so Sophie scored 30. Okay, emotionally controlled, strategic, and willing to bend certain rules when it benefits you. I can see that a little bit. Emotionally controlled. Okay, I am? Jamie, you scored 35. Fucking hell. Elevated psychopathic traits. Your answers indicate substantial levels of manipulation, emotional detachment, impulsivity, or disregard for rules.

42:26Yeah, it's a bit bang on. What? There's nothing wrong with like that though. I spoke to John Ronson, an incredible documentary maker. Anyway, he said to me when we did a psychopath test with Spencer and I, And I said, I think Spencer's a psychopath. I said, what advice would he give me? He says, run for the hills. Do not be friends with them. He said that about Spencer. He says they're narcissistic. He says it's the best kind of mental health you can have. Psychopaths are the best kind of mental health. What do you mean the best kind? Because psychopaths think they're amazing, get what they want, and never feel bad.

43:02You're a psychopath. I'm not, because I don't think I'm the best. No, you're definitely not. I also, too empathetic. You are so empathetic. and you're so sensitive. And I'm sensitive. You're the sensitive soul I've ever met. And you're not, you big old witch. I'm actually deep down more of a psychopath. You're way more of a psychopath than I am. No, neither of us are psychopaths. We're empaths. Well, listen, ladies and gentlemen, on that note, before we finish, I've got a treat for you guys. Whoa. No! No way! You ordered a McDonald's? You're kidding me. Oh my God, I can't wait. When did you do this?

43:33Oh my God! Oh my God! What the hell? I'm actually fucking excited. This is insane. Sophie hasn't had haven't had a McDonald's since you were 17? Shit, man! We got a banana milkshake over here. Do you want to take one? Yeah, do I get the mini one? Okay, hang on. This is insane. I can't wait. I haven't tried this. I actually can't wait. Can you? Fuck me. That's the best flavor in the whole wide bar. My God, that's good. We got a Big Mac burger. Yeah. Some fries and some chicken. And then I've got a Happy Meal. What is a Happy Meal? We're going to try. So what do you want to try? The chips first?

44:06Okay, here we go. I'm going to go for a Big Mac. First bite in God knows how many years. That is freaking crazy good. Then you have the regret after eating it. I feel absolutely knackered. Keep writing in everything, guys. We want to hear from you. At Newly Parents Podcast on Instagram or newlyparents at jamperproduction.co.uk. Love you guys. Bye. If you're getting married. Good luck. If you're getting divorced. Good luck. If you're eating McDonald's all day. Good luck. We love you. Goodbye.

44:51I'm Elizabeth Day, creator and host of How To Fail, where we hear from people like this. I think women as they get older become juicier and sexier and more embedded in their truth and who they are. My job, it's so public. And I often think, what gives me the right to judge people? And even... I knew I was obviously doing it and I was like, ah! He just thought I was being like really frisky on holiday. He was like, this is great! That's how to fail. Find it wherever you're listening to this.