Introducing Write Me Dirty

0:00Hello, you lovely Nearly Parents listeners. Now, if your idea of a good time includes a can of beans, a zombie apocalypse, and a steamy love scene, then buckle up, because we've got something perfect for you. It's a podcast from Jampot Productions, yes, from us, for your filthy, filthy little ears. For your filthy, filthy little ears. What's it called, Soph? It's called Write Me Dirty. Write Me Dirty. That's it. And guys, this isn't your boring, icky, sexy romance story. This is like rivals, but erotica. Here we go. Each week, the absolutely hilarious Catherine Ryan, and we love her, she's just beyond, gives two guests a completely ridiculous prompt.

0:41So think post-apocalyptic erotica meets full body cringe. And they have to write filthy, funny stories about each other. It's so good. And then they read it to each other on the show. It is one of the funniest podcasts I have listened to ever. The friends that come on are genius. And Catherine Ryan is the cherry on the top. She is absolutely brilliant. She's brilliant. I mean, it should come with a health warning of how much you're going to laugh. There are some seriously awkward moments. There's a lot of dramatic readings. There's oversharing. It's all going on. And at the end, Catherine chooses the ultimate erotica champion because someone's got to win the Big Pen, obviously.

1:23Obviously. So if you love comedy, chaos and just the right amount of cringe, go and listen and subscribe to Write Me Dirty. New episodes drop every Thursday. So it's a thirsty Thursday. Here's a little snippet of what you can expect. Enjoy.

1:42Hello, I'm Catherine Ryan and I've got two guests today who are so excited to write me a dirty story, all with the hopes of winning a pen. And this week my two seductive scribes are Stevie Martin and Fatia Elgory. Welcome girls. How do you feel about being called girls? That felt very regressive. I prefer lades. Girls. And lads. I prefer brav. Lads. Labes. Labes. Labies. You and I, Fatia, have known each other I think for quite a long time now. Correct. And Stevie, I know of your work. very talented comedian, but this is our first time meeting, unless I'm being really rude and I've met you before and I don't remember.

2:26No, I saw you across the way once and you were having your hair brushed by someone. Ooh, that sounds like a horse. Sounds like a song. Yeah. Where was that? Latitude Festival. Oh. It's actually my agent and I wondered why she wasn't watching our show when we looked across and she was brushing Catherine's hair. Weird. We must have been high. Yeah. This is a very interesting brief I've asked you to come and write me A filthy story about each other With some rules Did you find that challenging? A little bit A little bit But not I found it I enjoyed it because I know her Yeah So I found Then I could pick her little quirks and stuff And write about them And stuff like that I sent her a message I was like Don't talk about my hijab Don't talk about my hijab And don't talk about my hijab So my story is called Fatih's hijab.

3:22Behind the hijab. Exactly. Just to freak her up. So I feel like I know so much about you, Fatih. We've worked together loads. I think you're very, very funny. Thank you. I love the juxtaposition of you. You're very sweet, but you will fuck someone up. But what I don't hear about is will you fuck someone? I don't hear a lot of sex talk from you. I don't know what your fantasies are. I don't know what your type is. My fantasy is for people to leave me the fuck alone and stop WhatsAppping me every five fucking minutes and asking, can you do this? Can you do that? Are you free? Where are you going?

3:54Can I take you out? No, bitch. Let me sleep. So if you don't get a WhatsApp, you just immediately start wanking.

4:03You've been set the task of writing a dirty story that's about each other, and it must contain a given setting, character and prop. Your story must be set in a car show room, and I would like to have a car salesman involved, a custom paint job and a steering wheel. All right, let's do it. What's the title of your story? The title, I'm going to do this in my sexy... I could do sex phone work. That's what I'm going to do when comedy dries out. All right, are you ready? I mean, I'll never be ready, but I'm excited. So my story... I don't know why I'm doing a French accent, but so my story is called Paint Me Like One of Your French Cars.

4:41Oh la la. One of your French cars? Oh my God, I can't even say this first line. She's going to murder me. Okay. Stevie is an emo who wears black all the time. Look at that emo sock. Oh no. Those are very Beetlejuice. I am very emo. Okay, great. So, Stevie Martin is an emo who wears black all the time. The only colour on her is her beautiful blue eyes, like those of a husky. Oh. Her platinum blonde locks. What lightning would look like if it was tangible. Ooh! Yeah! Big sexy word, like tangible. I had to Google that word. I was like, what do you say if you can touch like tangible? Very literary, off the jump.

5:25Stevie lives in a small town surrounded by the sea. Think Dawson's Creek, but replace the coffee shops and cupcakes with vape shops and phone snatchers. She hates where she lives because there's no vegan food and she's a vegan. Stevie doesn't have a job, but she has a dream. One day I'm going to leave this place and find the best vegan food in the whole damn country, y 'all. Wow. I'm sort of like American as well. I gave you an accent. You're southern. Yeah. I gave you an accent. It's going to change after, but yeah. Yeah, great. Every day she cycles around the town with her Walkman on listening to Joy Division and dreaming about all the vegan food she will eat when she blows this joint.

6:06What does blows this joint mean, Liv? Yeah. Yeah, fine. Just wanted to check. But it could also be foreshadowing. you might be blowing something or someone later. So one day she was cycling around the town when she started to feel hungry. She started to cycle back home, thinking about what she would make to eat. Mmm, split dal and spinach and potatoes. Her mouth was watering. Mmm, hummus, cucumber and olives. She started to cycle faster. Paradas! That was it. She was now standing on her bike and cycling furiously. Suddenly, she found herself on the floor, face down in the road. What the hell had happened?

6:48It was a bloody pothole, wasn't it? These bloody councils are a joke, mate. Are you very politically motivated? I mean, yes, I am. It seems like I am. It doesn't surprise me. As an emo husky vegan, you're going to also be upset about the misallocation of government funds. Yeah, these potholes are not, you know, they're not being filled. A bit like her character. Yeah, there's been no mention of sex yet. I must be frustrated and that's why I'm so obsessed with, you know, hummus and carrots. Carrots are very phallic, about Tom. Stevie was devo. Her bike was ruined. She couldn't ride it back home.

7:25She decided to take it to the local bike shop to get it fixed. Ben's bikes. Uh-oh, where's Ben? She dragged the broken bike to the shop, but it was a different shop. hmm she thought maybe i have a concussion maybe i left my hair dying too long and it fried my brain cells i'm actually a natural blonde then a man came out of the shop and said hi i'm mike welcome to mike's motors how can i help stevie confused replied where's ben i need to get my bike fixed mike i've got that kind of like confrontational vibe that you have really interesting you slipped into fatia for a second which ben the tension's building so i'm just obviously desperate to get railed in like typical meals and boons fashion this is how they build it up yeah they're so hungry love it and i've been in like a bike accident so i imagine i'm just bleeding and stuff yeah all over so stevie confused replies where's ben i need my bike fixed mike says ben's gone he sold the premises to me and i have opened a car shop it's good to get some context yeah it's almost like we could have gone straight to the car shop but it's nice that we didn't stevie disappointed and worried about what to do with her bike says okay thanks and begins to walk away mike calls her back wait i can help i'm a keen cyclist myself i'm good with bikes oh that's sexy that's sexy how sexy is that I'm a cyclist by himself.

9:02Stevie, feeling hopeful, says, really? Mike, happy that he can help her, says, yeah. I need to shoot off though now because I need to collect some supplies for the shop before the wholesalers close. Can you come back tomorrow to collect your bike? So much context all the time. A lot of exposition. yeah it's good but yeah it better get so sexy it is I swear Dan you're going to literally lose your mind okay your knickers are going to literally fly across the room yeah my wholesaler's knickers are going to Stevie returns to the shop the next day she enters but no one is around it's just her and the cars in the showroom hello she calls back here my shop he's in the back in the back like the yeah He in the back, honey.

9:53She followed his voice to the back of the shop. She found him in the back garage, topless, spray paint in a 1995 Citroen 2CV. The sexiest of the cars. Mike was moving the spray gun up and down with each motion. Stevie could see the muscles in his back moving. Damn, she thought. This geezer was shmoking. I always say things like this geezer was shimoking Mike turned around and caught her eye Oh sorry I didn't know it was you I would have got dressed Stevie gave him Oh fuck A blowjob? Yeah No Stevie gave him a look Mike grabs a cloth, wipes his hands And picks up the steering wheel laying on the floor Stevie watches him as he walks over to the other side of the car opens the door, starts to fit the steering wheel on the car.

10:52She watches his big hands push the wheel into place and gently rub around the wheel. Like a boob. Exactly. Or your thighs. Thank you. She starts to get flustered, imagining these hands on her. Oh, this is... See? See, we're getting there. Stevie slips, nearly falling over, but Mike catches her. This is always going to happen. They look into each other's eyes and he leans in and kisses her. His hands are up around her waist and her hands land on his shoulders. She rubs his shoulders and slides her hand down his back. He rubs her skin and she whispers into his ear, paint me like your French card.

11:36Oh, that's why it's the Citroen. Mic drop, bitch.