Jamie and his mum swap EXPLICIT stories

0:00Hey y 'all, Kelly Clarkson here with Wayfair. You know my favorite compliment during the holidays? Your house feels so cozy. That's when I know everyone's comfortable enough to kick off their shoes, grab more dessert, and stay a little longer. Wayfair makes it easy, with everything from dining furniture to festive guest room essentials, all in one place. So whether you're hosting for an afternoon or all weekend, everyone feels right at home. Get holiday guests ready at Wayfair.com or on the Wayfair app today. Wayfair, every style, every home. Hey, it's Paige DeSorbo from Giggly Squad, and this episode is supported by Rothy's, the brand famous for chic, comfortable flats.

0:36My listeners know I love to start an outfit with the shoes, and there's nothing better than a great flat in the fall. They're timeless, they make everything look more polished, and Rothy's iconic pointed flat, The Point, has been reimagined to be better than ever. It now has a cushioned, bouncy insole with much more arch support, so it's comfortable enough to wear all day, and the point comes in so many gorgeous colors, patterns, and textures. Discover the point at rothys.com. That's R-O-T-H-Y-S dot com. Hello, I'm Monica Reinagle, host of the Nutrition Diva podcast. Summer is here and with it, the hot and sticky weather.

1:12A morning working in the garden or maybe on the golf course can leave you more depleted than you realize. And plain water isn't always the most efficient way to restore the balance. That's where Liquid IV comes in. Its science-backed formula is clinically proven to hydrate faster than water alone. Whether you're exercising, playing outside, or simply surviving a summer heat wave, it's an easy way to stay hydrated. Shop now at liquidiv.com. Liquid IV, hydration that goes wherever life takes you.

1:45Well, hello everyone and welcome back to Nearly Parents and welcome back to my mom, Penny. Say on the menu today. We talked to my mum about sexual relationship stories. No, we don't. We talk about dating stories. Well, we talk a little about that. We also talk about what I was like as a teenager. Mm-hmm. We also talk about the fact that you once dated your boss. I didn't date him. It's all going to be in the episode, so get ready for that. And of course, we have Dictionary Corner. If you want to know what a pickle smoocher is, stay tuned. All of that coming up on the show, baby. so welcome in.

2:25Hello, I'm Jamie Leng. And I'm Sophie Leng. And we've been married for two years. And we're having a baby. Yes, we are. Are you ready? Let's go. Hello, everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Nearly Parents. I'm Penny. I'm Jamie's mum. I'm standing in for Sophie because, as we know, she's going to be a nearly parent and she needs a break this week. And so I'm your stand-in and I'm thrilled to be with you. And hey, let's... It's got to be exciting. That's it, Mama. You actually nailed that, see? It's quite tricky, isn't it? Easy peasy. I don't know. Honestly, I mean, call this a career, really?

3:05It is a career. Okay. It is. I don't think you realise how... I actually don't realise... I don't think you realise how hard my life is. I do. I do. It's so hard, darling. You don't have a roof over your head or a piece of bread to eat. I know how hard your life is. Let me tell you that I once thought I'd broken my back. You never broke your back. I know I didn't, but I thought I might have. And it hurt so much because I got tossed in the waves in Australia that I couldn't sit down or lie. I had to stand or lie. I couldn't sit. And I had to type standing up for a week at my job. Sorry. Type, type, type, type.

3:41Good morning, GBNath and company. May I help you? Because your lower back was so sore. Yes, and I had to earn because I hadn't got any money or anything else. Do you know what? Last episode, we spoke about me as a child. Conception. We talked about conception. Maybe we should talk a little bit about you. Oh, no, don't talk about me. I think we should. You've never held down a real job. I've held down a job as a parent. Oh, you've never really held down. You went from being a secretary to a secretary. Didn't you? No, I went secretary, secretary, secretary. Can we tell our listeners something? What?

4:15She slept with her boss. it was really good fun what can you tell us a story let it out mama this is your three years no absolutely not because people are still alive that were relevant then right I mean he's dead but you know other people are alive they don't want to know about it I was really young it was quite good fun can I just ask one was it in the office or was it not in the office I'll tell you what happened. Okay. He wasn't actually my boss at the time, but he was very senior in the company. And I was a lowly little sales director. Traveled all the way from London, England. No, no, no, I walked from Eiffield Road to my office.

5:01I mean, I only walked. But you're in Australia or in London? No, in London. Oh, this is London. Oh, that other boss. Sorry, you've slept with two different bosses. Oh. What the hell? Oh, God, I did. Oh, God. What? What? Oh, God. It was 50 years ago. That's all right. Don't worry. You don't... Listen, everyone has done different things. Everyone's got embarrassing skeletons in their closet. So you had a thing for... No, I just liked anyone... Men in power. No, I liked anyone who liked me. Okay, all right. That made me feel good. If they liked me, I was like, oh, okay. So you were living in Eiffel Road.

5:37I was living in Eiffel Road. I'm not going to go back to that one if you didn't know about that one. You just mentioned it. Anyway. She's now panicking. Moving swiftly on. Okay, but what about Australia? Australia, the thing is, as I've told you before, every time I got dumped by a boyfriend, so I had two boyfriends of four years, and every time they dumped me, I've done some research in my brain on this, and I've realised that my instinctive survival mode is to run away. So I just got on a plane and went to another country. And no mobile phones, no Facebook? So you had to go cold turkey on it?

6:10You went cold turkey. But it was kind of empowering, because I couldn't stay. So when Mark, and Mark, we still speak, so he won't mind me saying this, when Mark dumped me for... I've known Mark since I was probably about six years old because mum would always talk about Mark and how... Oh, I loved him so much. She couldn't actually type M on the... I couldn't type M on the typewriter without crying. It was terrible. And after he dumped me, I used to get in my car and drive around London and look for his car so I could try and think about where he might be. That's cool. And then I would cry. So if I had had to see...

6:46Just a caveat, that's not what you should do, anyone, for advice. Do not do that. Do not. It's stalking nowadays. But if I had had to see him... Did you ever see his car? Once. Where was it? In the road in front of me, driving. Did you follow it? Nearly had a heart attack. Did you follow it? No, but what was really bad was he got to the traffic lights and he got out of his car in front of me, came around and I wound on the window and he kissed me and then got back in his car. So all it did was flame that little candle of hope again. Was it raining? no but you're quite romantic like the notebook yeah it's something like the notebook and then he then you think he'll come back then you think oh my god he's coming back but then the worst thing about that is that you get and he dries off and then you're you've got no you can't just ring him on his mobile no I'm then left I'm dumped again second dumping and he's not coming back and he's with Sarah with the long hair yeah yeah so I then think I can't do this this is just shit so I catch a plane Joff and I went to Hong Kong.

7:43After he dumped me, I went straight to Hong Kong. And after Mark dumped me, I went to India. Why do you think you were dumped? God, that silenced me, hasn't it? Do you think I have too much to handle? They all came back. Yeah, that's good. They all come back in the end. I always say that to my daughter. Why do I think? Because you're so much fun. I'm quite powerful. You were obviously beautiful. No, I wasn't. I certainly was not beautiful. You were. No, I wasn't. I've seen pictures of you when you were younger. I was kind of fun. I was really good fun. You're strong. I'm strong. Maybe you're too strong.

8:17I told a lot of stories. I was not beautiful and I did not have a good figure. But I'm a real nurturer. I cook, I clean, I mop up. Did you ever break up with anyone? I'm bloody sexy that then too. Did I ever break up with anyone? Yeah. I dumped Chris. You dumped Chris. Yeah. He came back too. Give me a real story time. him go what happened okay so I've been seeing this guy for a year he's 10 years younger than me remember so attractive so good looking great fun but not entirely trustworthy and everything else anyway but he was really good fun and he did so much for me in restoring my confidence in myself and having a laugh anyway we are hilarious we are going on holiday for 10 days to mystique and he's coming with me all expensive apart from his air ticket because i we had i had bought the holiday with some friends at auction so we were all going and he was coming as my date so he had to buy his air ticket yeah and the two days before we're going he said would you take my suit to the dry cleaners would you drop it off at the dry cleaners he said i talk about me nurturing you're nurturing and he knew he abused your nurturing nature he said can you take my dry cleaning in so i'm like oh okay and so as you do you empty all the pockets on the suit and out came the note and he he rode a big red motorbike okay and it said said loved seeing you last night can't wait for tonight don't forget to bring that big red thing you have between your legs emma i thought fucking hell who the hell's emma anyway so i don't say anything and i take the suit in they're talking about his motorbike right yeah talking about his motorbike and off we go to mystique and i keep my mouth shut because i think wow well i tell you why that's not typically you you would normally set you wouldn't you know i didn't there were eight of us going did i want to be the only person on my own i thought i could be italian and go hey you cheat on me fuck off you don't come to mystique now i could have done that could be italian or i think well we'll go we get on really well.

10:28We'll have our time in Mystique and then I'll let him know. So we do. Wow, good. Logic, logical thing. Logic. Logical thinking. But I am... You're very logical. I am 42 and he's 32 at this point. Okay. So you'll decide. So off we go to Mystique. And of course... And also, it's your thinking. It must be quite cool that you're bringing your 32-year-old boyfriend. No, it was quite awkward in some ways. It really was quite awkward. Why? Because everyone else was 42. So he was like the toy boy, you know. It is awkward, that, isn't it? It was a bit awkward. When you were 20, he was 10. I couldn't be his mother.

11:01So anyway, we go off to Mystique. We have our holiday. Yeah. And then on the very last night, out it comes. And I produce the note and I say, so we're flying home in the morning and that's it. You've held on to the note. I've kept the note. Does he cry? He did cry, actually. He did. He cried all the way back on the plane. And I said to him, but that's it. It's over. I've always said, no, I don't need this. I don't quite empowering when you when you suddenly go it's over and you're like no it's actually over this is over yeah it was over I said that's it if you want her you go and have her she was single first time you dumped someone yeah first time I'd ever dumped anyone in 42 years that must have been brave of you so just continue the story of the the boss in Australia so what happened with the boss in Australia there isn't a funny story about the boss in Australia lots of funny things did happen in Australia so many great things happened in Australia Australia was so much fun I lived there for six months twice.

11:56It was a different time with them. What happened to your friend when they went to the doctors? Which one's that? So they put a finger at the bum. No, no, that was... You're muddling your stories. You can't... You're muddling your stories. What happened? We won't get onto that one. It's the funniest thing ever. Oh, my God. Okay, so what was I like as a teenager? Oh, my God. You were horrendous. Horrendous. Because I'd had your brother who was just perfect. Perfect from day one. And I never, he never had terrible twos or terrible teenagers or, I mean, Alexander was quiet. He read, he was intelligent.

12:31I mean, not that you're not intelligent. You know, he was book it. He was very happy with the book. He just, he was so easy. Yeah. And from the moment your hormones crept in and you got a mobile phone, you were a nightmare. You were a nightmare. 14. You were 11 when you had your first kiss. Yeah. On that boat in Turkey. Uh-huh. and you came up to me you said i kissed i kissed tash i got to kiss tash and you were so excited with yourself you were 11 this girl we're on a boat with i'm sure i've told this story before and i was so worried about her sister not being joining in with all of you kids so i said well don't leave beanie out do you remember i said don't leave beanie out and you said i tried to kiss her too but she wouldn't open her mouth and you were 11 it's terrible so was i a really bad a teenager you were appalling get out of here yeah because you were dishonest you were really dishonest you lied about everything you did everything everything have you had people here no have you taken that wine the bottles in the sink no not me not definitely you were just you were dishonest you lied and also you you took you stole money then you went gambling i mean there was just so much heartache do you remember when you thought i was a drug dealer yeah but i read your text, which I should never have done.

13:50What do they say? I can't get you this, but I can get you MDMA. I didn't know what MDMA was. I did not say that. It did. I was not selling MDMA. I'm sure you were. It was horrendous. There's no ways. Where would I find MDMA and sell it? I never knew where you were. You were just naughty. When you read a message like that, what do you think? Do you think, oh God. No, your stomach plummets. You think that's it. He's going to go to prison. I'm going to lose my child he's going to be a drug addict he's never going to get a job I'm going to have to look after him for the rest of my life God Was there ever a time when we were kids where you were actually generally scared?

14:31Yeah when Alexander crossed the road in front of a taxi Oh my God That was and oh my God when he walked out of the shoe shop when he was two that was horrendous Wait what happened? Well he was in his little push chair and I'm looking at shoes for him not for me because I don't buy shoes but looking at shoes for him I turned around the push chair was empty so I thought well he'd either been stolen and then somebody screamed the baby and he was standing in the middle of the road with his hands on the bonnet of a car that is bad parenting terrible why wasn't he strapped into the push chair it's just Alexander never did anything he wasn't supposed to what the hell was he doing in the middle of the road anyway we survived and I panicked and you're all still alive well listen you were a great parent thank you you really were I was present.

15:17You were present. I sewed on every one of your name tapes. You were present when I turned eight. Why was I up till eight? I don't know. Do you know the Royal Family followed me on Instagram, social media? Where did they? Always followed you? No, they followed me recently, the Royal Family. Who in the Royal Family? Well, the Royal Family social media accounts are following me. See, I don't understand about social media. Why would the Royal Family have a social media account? Because they do have over 30 million followers. 30? 13. The people that they follow, David Attenborough, Pope Francis. And Jamie Lane.

15:54And Jamie Lane. I bet they've dropped you. They have now. Of course, because you're pointless. They've now unfollowed me. Well, they've realized how banal it all is. What a waste of time. I mean, what are they going to learn? So many things. so many things. So many personal things that you shouldn't be sharing. They don't want to know any of that rubbish. You're not saving the planet in any way. Can I ask you a question? Dating apps and everything are a thing now. I know. How else do you meet people? Something called Hinge. Have you heard of that? I have because Elizabeth Day met her husband on Hinge.

16:33And I love Elizabeth Day. You've heard of Bumble? Yeah, because that's girls do all the chat, don't they? Raya, you heard of Raya? Yeah, because Emily's on Raya, because that's where famous people go. Have you had a Grindr? Oh, yeah, because my friend George was on Grindr. Have you had a Field? No. Field is where you... That sounds like a sex-only one. It's a sex-only one. Ugh, you see, I could tell that. You're good. Yeah. Would you have a... I can't even ask you. No, I would not go on Field, ever. The last thing I want in my life now is some... If you had a dating app profile, so you have a little bio right and you can play a song over your pictures right we don't know what your pictures are but what song would you pick on your profile it's my party and I'll cry if I want to so that's your song what would your bio say something quick and cheeky oh Jesus Jamie this is just I mean put on the spot I can't think of anything to say plays good golf I don't know does crosswords I don't know She's good fun She's quite good fun Doesn't drink much I love it that you were doing it in the third person You were doing it like she's quite good fun Like someone's written it I don't know She's good at golf She likes doing the crossword Looking for companionship There you go, here we go Looking for companionship and a laugh No sex No, probably not, thank you because anyone who's going to ring me up is going to be 70.

18:09I don't want to sleep with some other 70-year-old. Absolutely ghastly thought. Those days are gone. Isn't there a song? Those days are gone. I'll have that as my tune. That's the thing that no one really warns you about. I can't believe I'm having conversations with my mum, but whatever. No one really warns you about pregnancy when that happens, is that intimacy does seem to deplete. Well, not with some people. the hormones fire up. They want it all the time. Some girls get really, really, really horny. Don't say that. Oh, my God. Is that a bad word? No, it's just I can't. You say it. It's too much.

18:48Oh, okay. Okay, but some girls get... Do they really? Because there's so much hormone pulsing through your body. Wow. I couldn't have thought of anything else because I was so busy with a sick bag. So, you know, if you're not throwing up, you might consider it. Okay, listen, on that note, Marla, we're going to do Dictionary Corner. Are you ready for this? I am. It's time for Dictionary Corner. Are you ready? Yeah. Sing the little tune. I don't know the tune. Give it a go, though. It's my party and I cry if I want to. I don't know. What is the theme tune? You sing it. Dictionary, Dictionary, Dictionary Corner.

19:25It's not very catchy. All right, well, you're doing a catchy one. Go on. No, I'm not doing a catchy one. All right, well, here we go. I have some words for you that are sex and relationship-based. Sex. It's always sex. And I want you to tell me what they mean Okay Krusty knuckles Oh my god, this is back on the old sheath thing Krusty knuckles Krusty knuckles Okay, when you buy a loaf of sourdough And it's got those lumpy bits on the top Those are little crusty knuckles A condition which sets in After a prolonged session of masturbation And falling asleep afterwards When the knuckles of the hand Come glued into position Enough, enough.

20:02That's just completely rank. Right. I'm 70. I can't listen to this shit. Next. A pickle smoocher. No, that sounds even worse. A pickle smoocher. I don't want to know that either. Someone who loves to give oral sex. So he used a sentence, Ewan, as a pickle smoocher. I'm not even laughing. Why are you laughing? That'll be my Tinder bio Poor Ewan Ewan's a pickle smoocher Okay, last one A rock lobster I'm silenced here Okay, I'll tell you The male equivalent of a camel toe Usually achieved by wearing Extremely tight pants or shorts To accentuate a clear silhouette Of the male member Like that guy who did the high jump Do you remember at the Olympics?

20:58Yes Yeah, definitely What do you think of those, Mama? Terrible You didn't like anything? No, I don't A crusty knuckle? No! That's good Enough, move on Okay Relationships Should we go into listeners' messages? Only if they're clean They will be clean and lovely, I'm sure Ewan has done a great job Say that's the end of Dictionary Corner And that's the end, thank God Of Dictionary Corner And now it's time for listeners' messages

21:56We'll see you next time. holiday guests ready at Wayfair.com or on the Wayfair app today. Wayfair, every style, every home. Hey, it's Paige DeSorbo from Giggly Squad, and this episode is supported by Rothy's, the brand famous for chic, comfortable flats. My listeners know I love to start an outfit with the shoes, and there's nothing better than a great flat in the fall. They're timeless, they make everything look more polished, and Rothy's iconic pointed flat, The Point, has been reimagined to be better than ever. It now has a cushioned, bouncy insole with much more arch support, so it's comfortable enough to wear all day, and the point comes in so many gorgeous colors, patterns, and textures.

22:35Discover the point at rothys.com. That's R-O-T-H-Y-S dot com. Hi, it's Mark Bittman from the podcast Food with Mark Bittman and the website The Bittman Project. One of the things that makes Whole Foods Market different is their commitment to quality standards. More than 500-degree insert bands store wide to give us peace of mind whether we're browsing through the store or shopping online. And it's been this way since 1980. Their selectivity makes your shopping easier. Shop Whole Foods Market in-store or online. Thank you. This message is brought to you by today's sponsor, Walden University. Set a course for change.

23:16Now is the time to make a real change in your life, career, and community. At Walden University, we give you the support and flexibility to get the W. Walden's online programs are designed for working professionals like you. You'll gain hands-on skills to take on real-world challenges and succeed. Your future is waiting, and Walden is here to help you achieve it. Take the first step to make your impact. Visit waldenu.edu. Walden University. Set a course for change. Certified to operate by Shev. Hello, I'm Monica Reinagle, host of the Nutrition Diva podcast. Summer is here, and with it the hot and sticky weather.

23:53A morning working in the garden or maybe on the golf course can leave you more depleted than you realize, and plain water isn't always the most efficient way to restore the balance. That's where Liquid IV comes in. Its science-backed formula is clinically proven to hydrate faster than water alone. Whether you're exercising, playing outside, or simply surviving a summer heat wave, it's an easy way to stay hydrated. Shop now at liquidiv.com. Liquid IV, hydration that goes wherever life takes you.

24:28Right, before we start listeners' messages, I want to say a thank you from my mum, Penny, and I for sending them in. We love them. The voice notes, the messages, you send them in your hordes. Hordes. H-O-R-D-E-S. Hordes. So thank you so much. I have one from Megs. You ready for this? I love the name Megs. I like that. Yeah, okay. Ten days after giving birth to our baby boy, I still hadn't pooed. Oh, I feel for you. It was becoming increasingly more painful and felt like there were rocks in my butt. So I took a mirror and had a look. Oh! Contortionist. My episiotomy scar extended down towards my butt.

25:08But then I suddenly thought, where's my arsehole? Had they stitched it up? All I could see was the scar, but no butthole. Oh, God, mate. Then it dawned on me. They sewn up my arsehole. Glad you think this is funny. So naturally. Did she sue the hospital? So naturally I started crying and screaming, where's my arsehole? I'm only laughing at you because you think this is so funny. And I ran downstairs to my partner Who offered to look I said absolutely not Why? You'd already looked up there when you had the baby This is the last shred of my dignity And so he drove me to the maternity unit at midnight Where I demanded that someone look to my arsehole I'm a doctor at this hospital But seemingly focused only on the discovery of my butthole I didn't care who knew I was there or why The lovely midwife took a look and said Yep, it's all fine and present but I said no I need to see a gynaecologist and demanded they bleeped him to attend to my arsehole.

26:15He arrived and said agreed it's there and I said no put your finger in my butthole. It's the only way I'll believe you. So he popped a finger up and I sheepishly made eye contact and then he gave a nod. Yep there it is I said thank you so much for keeping me company during maternity leave last year. Big congratulations on your baby. Okay I have a question. Yes. Why didn't you put her own finger up there? Probably because she was sore. She couldn't find it. I don't know. It's quite scary in the moment. Who knows? Maybe she thought there was a hole. I don't know. Okay. I've got another one for you.

26:49It's a wild story from Anonymous. I just found out I'm pregnant and I'm having the opposite problem to Sophie. I actually thought I had a parasite before I got my positive test because I was using the loo so much. The other day, I went to the toilet for likely the fourth time that day before hopping in the shower. I've I also had a lot of gas and bloating and felt that I needed a fart while in the shower. Since I had literally just pooed, I didn't think it was a risk to let a fart out. I know what's coming. Wrong. I went to fart and pooed myself. Unfortunately, just like Jamie, I have now had to push the poo down the shower drain.

27:24Very embarrassing. Love you guys. And excited to follow along your pregnancy journey while I'm going through my own. Have you ever had to do that? No, but you know when you have a baby and you're lying there and probably you've had an epidural, Sophie will have an epidural, and you're lying there and they say push, well, you know, you probably poo yourself then. So she better get used to it. You read your ones, go. I don't think I want to read them. Come on, it'll be great. You're in safe. This is from Anonymous, which always makes me a bit dodgy, dodgy, dodgy. At the ripe old age of 26, that's so young, anonymous 26, I decided to start afresh and train to become a yoga instructor in Bali.

28:06Nice. Lovely. I felt very accomplished and satisfied when I completed the two months. It was time to celebrate, so I headed off drinking with some of the local friends I'd made. We had a lot of fun and got quite pissed. Well, very pissed. As I headed home, I decided the best thing to do would be to drink some water so I wouldn't feel too hungover. so I drowned a whole liter of water and passed out. I know what's coming. I can smell it coming. I can't. I can't. I can't. In the night, I woke up desperately needing a wee so in the dark, I fumbled around trying to find the toilet for what felt like a lifetime.

28:36Finally, I found the loo and let loose. Suddenly, not only the toilet bowl, but my whole body was wet and I couldn't figure out what the hell was going on. Oh, this is not good. Eventually, I realized I'd been dreaming and I was now lying in a pool of my own piss. Not joking, it was a pool. The whole bed, pillows, duvet Were completely drenched It seemed it couldn't get any worse Till I realised I still need to pee But as I'd made my bed I figured I might as well lie in it So I just laid back, relaxed And finished what I'd started What is going on? Dear Lord What is going on? Do you think she's in her own house Or in a hotel?

29:10Probably a hostel She has to clean it up herself Or someone else Ah, here we have the answer The next morning I decided I had to confess To the lovely hotel staff and was preparing to pay for the mattress. But I think there was a language barrier as he just said, that's fine, smiling. I kept trying to explain it in more detail. And each time he smiled and said, that's fine. So I took this as a sign from God, tipped him and ran away as quickly as I could. I'd have done the same. Yeah, that's a good way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, read another one. Here we go. I love these. From Anonymous again. Oh, again.

29:42Okay, Yui. I know, but then it's worrying. Here we go. Oh, it's a sweet one. Here we go. Is it? I had to write in as I just had to tell someone. I have had a normal day today. I've been working, went to Pilates, then to the gym, but I've been feeling weird all day. I was listening to your most recent episode on the way home. For some reason, it encouraged me to take a pregnancy test. And then another. And I'm pregnant. Oh, my God. That's so amazing. My partner isn't home from work yet. Get out of here. So I guess you're the very first to know. I love that. But I just had to feel like I told somebody.

30:16oh that's so great that's amazing I'm pacing up and down the kitchen and can't wait for him to come home so I can tell him we've been trying for six months now let's go and I can't believe it's finally happened oh congratulations let's go that is the best how exciting oh another baby that is so great see see these are the reason we do this is because people connect with it and they get to send messages we're the first people this person's told she shared it with us isn't that just that's so great thank you so much you absolute heroes we love them just please keep sending them in I know I say every single week I'm going to keep saying every single week but we love them send them in you can slide into our DMs at nearlyparentspodcast on Instagram very easy you and me everyone we see them or you can send us an email nearlyparents at jampopproductions.co.uk everything is in the show description you know that please go and check it out it's the end of listeners messages oh that's a shame that's the end of listeners messages this week's episode is brought to you in partnership with gemini google's personal ai assistant so listeners whilst i hope you're enjoying this lovely episode with myself and my mom we actually have a quick little segment for you you're gonna love it okay sophie is back from a holiday hi sophie hello everyone now google got in touch with the podcast about Gemini, their AI assistant.

31:44You can chat with Gemini about anything and it will have an answer. You can jump in, ask for more details and even show it what you're talking about by sharing your screen or camera. It's AI at its most helpful. So we thought let's use Gemini to answer some of our listeners' dilemmas. Okay, so this is the dilemma when there's periods in time when it feels like a hen or stag do is just feels like nonstop. You know those kind of situations. Hi Gemini, I am spending fortunes on hen do's and stag do's for people I'm not even close with. When is it an okay time to say no? Maybe try suggesting alternative ways to celebrate that are less expensive.

32:20Yeah, but Gemini, I'm really bad at saying no to people. Okay, let's ask Gemini for a good excuse. Okay, Gemini, can you please give us a good excuse? Here's the plan. You're going to fake a super urgent call from work. Like, oh no, the Johnson account is crashing. I gotta go fix it. I think I want to make it bigger. More extravagant. More extravagant. All right, how about this? You get a call that your grandma's escaped from the nursing home and is leading the cops on a high-speed chase. Yeah, this is good. Roleplay with me for a second, Gemini. Pretend that you are ringing me and I'm the grandmother.

32:50Grandma, it's me. Please, you gotta pull over. The cops aren't gonna hurt you. I'm not gonna listen to you, Gemini. I'm just gonna keep going. It's not worth it, Grandma. I don't mind. Go ahead and call the please. I don't care about them. I'm going to still keep going. Okay, well, if that's how you want to play it, then fine. But don't come crying to me when you're doing hard time. I won't go crying to you. I won't go crying to anybody. Okay, I think these excuses are really good. Just give me one more excuse to get out of a hen do. You could say you've got a super rare chance to see your favourite band play a secret gig and you just can't miss it.

33:19That's good. That's the one. So the next dilemma, this is about how your boyfriend, right, is not wearing great clothes. You don't think they're styling themselves quite well. Hi, Gemini. My boyfriend was basically dressed by his ex. His clothes need to go and we need a fresh start. How do I tell him? Maybe you could start by complimenting his style in general and then gently suggest trying out some new stores or brands together. I mean, that's just great advice. We definitely don't have that issue. No, no, no, no. We never have that issue. I love everything that you wear. Okay, then be honest.

33:51What kind of things do you not like what I wear? What you're wearing today. Are you serious? A very, very strange, strange, strange shirt with suit trousers. Yes. And some grey shoes. Well, hang on. Firstly... It's a whole load of clash, really. Okay, firstly, these are called loafers. I don't know if you've ever heard of them. I don't like them. Tell you what, why don't we get Gemini to... Firstly, you can use, like, camera, right? So you can point Gemini at me, and then Gemini can roast me. I can guarantee you now that Gemini will not think that my outfit's bad. Are you ready for this? Okay, let's go for it.

34:19Okay, let's try this. Here, take the phone. Gemini, I would like you to roast my husband Jamie's outfit. Particularly his shirt Okay Jamie's shirt is certainly vibrant It's like a tropical explosion happened It's also a throwback to grandma's curtains I like the reference to your grandma's curtains But let's get a little bit more savage, Gemini Jamie's shirt screams I raided a vintage store and lost a fight with the clearance rack Gemini, let's roast the hair I bet he uses a whole bottle of hairspray to keep it standing tall like that Never use hairspray My turn Gemini, Gemini Let's be more savage And just remember He dyes his hair It's not natural Jamie's hair is so processed It's practically a science experiment gone wrong It's like a flock of seagulls Decided to nest on his head I bet he spends more time on his hair Than he does picking out those unique shirts Unbelievable Gemini That was unbelievable Do you know what I'm going to do with Gemini every single time?

35:13Is if we have an argument I'm just going to use Gemini If I want to roast you I'm going to use Gemini Me too Problem solved Solved guys So go live with Gemini Download the Gemini app today to unlock the power of Google AI on your phone. Sequences shortened. Check responses. Compatibility and availability varies. 18+. So the reason you're here today, Mama, is because Sophie's obviously on holiday. She's taking a little bit of a relaxing time because pregnancy is a lot. Pregnancy is a huge change in your life, but I think it's really difficult when you're someone... Lay this on me. because one you're tired your whole body's changing there's a whole shift in your life and your future and also you've just moved house and that's majorly stressful um we've just moved house and she's in the public eye so she's always got to be aware that people and i've walked down the street with the two of you and i know that people stop and people look and people talk to you so and as a girl everyone's going to have a view on what you look like and whether you and friendly and whether your face your skin look good or your bum look big that's a lot it's a lot would that make you feel a bit insecure it does oh my god because you you message me sometimes I'm not saying so he's insecure but like you message me sometimes when you read comments that you don't like that's protective mother because when they're horrid about you I want to kill them but imagine if you're but if I scroll down the comments which I would never do and it says oh Penny's great and then came one which, God, your mother's ugly and I don't know why you like her.

36:49Yeah, it would really hurt. It would, wouldn't it? Yeah, because it's personal. And so imagine doing that, doing the podcast, being pregnant, your body's changing, you're also shooting a Disney show, everything's going to show you, you want to protect your child, your baby, you want to protect your relationship. It's a lot. It's a lot. And we've chosen it, I know. You've made that choice. I agree with you. You could work in insurance. I know, but I think I've made more of a choice than Sophie doesn't. I think you strapped Sophie to the back of your jet ski and brought her with you. And she's had to buy into it more than you maybe making her own choice.

37:24And I think it's tough on her. And also, you're tired and you want to enjoy your pregnancy and you need a break. And her mother was 60. Yes, 60. And she wanted to be with her mother and her sister and her niece. And I absolutely get that. Tell you what, we've got great genes ahead of us. Sophie's mum's an absolute smoke show. you're 70 and looking fantastic Patrick's great Patrick is great yeah you'd marry Patrick hey that's a great you could marry Patrick if it went bad I don't want to get married again but we could you could live together yeah but he'd have to keep having sex with his girlfriend and we could just have a nice time play paddle tennis there you go you could just be friends that live together yeah our friends that'd be lovely wouldn't it we could go on holiday together it's good advice I think it is and also thank you for stepping in as well oh I love it I get to spend time with you.

38:12It's the best. So you've stepped in for these last two episodes. Very happy to step in whenever you need it. Okay, listen. I'm going to play a quick game with you before you do go anywhere. It's called Mother Knows Best. You ready for this? And I'm going to ask you a series of personal questions. About me or about you? It's about me. From childhood to present day. Your job is simple. Get the answers right and prove if mother really does know best. Okay. Okay. You ready for this? Yeah. Who was my first celebrity crush? absolutely no idea probably Postman Pat or someone I don't know not Postman Pat but I mean there'd be some I don't know who your first celebrity crush was I have no idea who was it Baby Spice really I had a picture of her on my wall Emma Bunton do you remember I had a little newspaper cutter on my wall in my bedroom I know who your first girlfriend was that's not my first celebrity crush I don't know who your first celebrity crush is no okay what's the most embarrassing school moment that I had I do know that what's that when you got that stupid porn film and before you'd even put it on, that one, and you pretended you thought it was boring, but the trouble is you'd missed the moment.

39:18Isn't that the most embarrassing school story? What the hell is that? Is that true? Am I right or am I wrong? Oh, my God. No, I can't even talk about that. What's the story? I can't. You spoke about it. That's how I learned about it. Is that how you learned about it? Yes. Oh my God. You told the story. Oh my God. I can't even talk about that with my mum. I don't think I can do it, Ewan. Do it. You can't, I believe in you. You've told it before. I'll tell it. I'll tell it. You can just put your hands over your ears. Okay. What are you telling, Gareth? You told all your friends that you could get hold of a porn film from an older boy.

40:00And then you were so excited. You got hold of it. You ran down the corridor with it and put it in the machine and said, come on, guys, come on, come on. We'll all watch this. at which point it was all over before it started and you hadn't even put the film in and then you said oh this is boring I don't want to watch it what do you mean it was all over well you know bar the shouting I mean you you know I'm not gonna I'm not gonna be anyway moving on next question it's actually vile what was the naughtiest thing I ever did oh my god there were so many what was the naughtiest thing I ever did you came up from Radley brought your friends up broke into your stepfather's flat slept in all the beds and then swore you hadn't been near it, London.

40:40I threw a party and you're... You slept in my bed with a girl. It's all shit. I mean, it was just horrendous. Your whole teenage years, I wiped from my memory. The police turned up on our house once. Yeah. And then this funny man down the road said he'd had to call the police and you said it wasn't me. Yeah, yeah. Always deny. What was the rudest thing I ever said to a teacher at school? I was never rude. You were never rude. Never rude. Never rude to a teacher. Do you know what I did do at school, though? What? I did an exam at school and I knew I'd done badly. So I went into the cupboard, found my exam and ripped it up and buried it.

41:14Did they not wonder where your exam was? I said, you obviously lost it. Also, you paid the boy in front of you to hold his maths paper up so you could copy it. Yeah, I did. And I got an A. What's my biggest fear? Being ill. Actually, a good one. It's your fear of... Losing my mind. Fear of getting mad. No, you never articulated that. It used to be a fear of what am I going to do when I grow up? How am I going to get a job? Okay. And then it's always been a fear of your health. How old was I when I first got drunk? Oh, God. I think you were about 12 or 13. No, I got very drunk once. In Portugal.

41:52Yeah, but that was older. That was the worst. I came and got you from hospital. You're lying on a gurney covered in vomit. Disgusting. And you said your drink had been spiked and it was such a fib. Another lie. You drunk a bottle of absaas I can't read these last ones I cannot read the last ones Choose the least bad one Oh my god I don't think I can Do you want me to ask? You can ask She doesn't know these When was Jamie's first sexual experience? Oh I know that Oh my god It was at that party That girl's birthday party in a bush Oh okay Let's move past that Where's the wish? And when I said to you

42:36You told me all about it No I didn't Yes you did Did I? Yes What? And then I said well she was also a virgin Oh God And then you said Jesus Christ I wish one of us hadn't been Then at least one of us would have known what we were doing That's what you said Quite mature of me Okay Where's the weirdest place Jamie's ever had sex? Well I have no idea I mean that could be God I couldn't even start to answer that for all I know under the eye of Guasco Falls or something I have no idea Guasco what's it called Iguazu Iguazu I don't know look I think that's you're in it's getting it's getting too too hectic I want to say thank you it's my absolute pleasure I hope the listeners enjoy it and don't miss Sophie too much Sophie's coming back she's going to be back next week which is very exciting so do not fear everyone back to play resumes as normal that's what they say yeah but thank you for coming on and being here and being the best.

43:35Anytime. We love you, Tapsuit Beds. I love your listeners. I love... Yeah, you're the best. All your fans. Thank you. And listen, before we go, we got a pregnancy tip. You thought I was going to give you a present there. No, I thought you were going to give me a pregnancy test. You, you were a pregnancy test. You said, have we got a pregnancy test? And I thought, test? No, here we go. Pregnancy, weird pregnancy tip of the week from Anonymous. Yep. Apparently a reason for morning sickness is the baby fighting against the father's genes as a foreign body. So a remedy for that is giving your husband frequent blowjobs and swallowing.

44:04Oh my God. That's just such a load of crap. I just can't. On that note, on that note, remember to get in touch. Oh God, Ewan, you've had to get in touch with, on email, nearlyparents at jamperproductions.co.uk or you can send us a DM at nearlyparentspodcast. And if you haven't subscribed to the show already and we're also on YouTube, anything you want to say more? No, I'm just, I'm going to have to lie down now. Okay, and listen everybody, we're going to see you next week for another episode when Sophie's back. Until then, if you're getting married. Yes! If you're single. Don't give up hope. If you're in your 70s and you're a widower.

44:45Oh, well then, go on a dating app, obviously. Okay. And if you're having a baby. Oh, enjoy it because it's the quiet time before the storm. And if you're getting engaged. Oh, that's the best. All that love. Just the fun. Go and have the best time, guys. We'll see you next week. goodbye.

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