Jamie & Sophie Are Writing Their WILLS?!

0:00This message is brought to you by today's sponsor, Walden University. Set a course for change. Now is the time to make a real change in your life, career, and community. At Walden University, we give you the support and flexibility to get the W. Walden's online programs are designed for working professionals like you. You'll gain hands-on skills to take on real-world challenges and succeed. Your future is waiting, and Walden is here to help you achieve it. Take the first step to make your impact. visit waldenu.edu. Walden University, set a course for change. Certified to operate by Shev. Hey, it's Paige from Giggly Squad.

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2:00What's a lip flip? It feels like you have Botox here to like stop the gummy smile. Don't you? I still have a gummy smile. I love a gummy smile. Anyway, I've had my lips flip before and it's like you feel like you're smiling and you're like... What did you look like before all of this? Because I'm a bit concerned. I don't have a lip flip now. It's Botox. Is that why Ziggy doesn't look like either of us? Because he actually looks like you before the lip flip. I'm absolutely roasting hot suddenly I'm boiling are you okay Kermit? no I'm Kermit the frog in your green outfit no I'm not going to fill your back yeah I know and I'm going to put it out there I think we're both ill I woke up at 3am my son was fast asleep and I was raging around because my head thought it was about to blow off into a smithereens and the only fucking paracetamol we have in our house has caffeine in it Jamie always gives it to me at night time whenever I feel ill and I'm like this at night can I just say Sophie's brain at the moment is like, I think it's what they call maybe mum brain.

2:56I beg your pardon? Sophie's been telling the story of how we take Ziggy to the hospital. And she starts it off by saying, we took Ziggy to the airport. And I keep going, what the? I can't, like airport and hospital are like the same word. They're getting mixed up with the whole point. I think there's something going on with me at the moment. I have realized when you have like ADHD or any just mums anywhere, if I'm alone with my son I am full of energy I am so capable I'm so present I'm so everything I'm great you put someone else in the mix where I have to split my son and like work for example or like you know if we're working or I'm doing anything that's we're filming something exciting we're filming something super exciting if we're filming and I've got Ziggy with me most mums like my sister she's fucking capable I feel like I'm blacking out.

3:48Like, I don't know what is going on in my brain. I think the problem is, is I have really bad ADHD. So normally, I just black out at like jobs. You know, it's just hard. It's hard. I get it. I have ADHD as well, honey. And it's too overstimulating. Everything is way too overstimulating. If Ziggy's with me and someone else is talking to me, you best believe I've not heard a fucking word that's come out your mouth. Like, Ziggy, my son could be sad. He's such a good baby. he could be sat playing with his toys he's not even demanding my attention and someone's having a conversation with me telling me about how they just got engaged I've not had one word you're saying and I'm and then I I'm masking because I'm like potential listening potential listening so then when they leave or I finish work or whatever I'm like someone inject caffeine into my veins it's like really a lot I need to like have something I don't know ashwagandha or something I need to go and take ayahuasca Can you cure a brain like this?

4:47No, I don't think I think you're fucked forever I'm really worried about myself Well, I think I have adrenal fatigue You don't have adrenal fatigue I have adrenal fatigue From being in fight or flight for so long Honey, your self-diagnosis is too good You can't The amount of times you self-diagnose Sophie, I find she goes onto Reddit And starts looking at everything And goes, right, that's what it is Like some lady has just said this It's not that Well I don't know I keep saying to Sophie When she dies Which I hope will be a long long long long time But I have a feeling I'll outlive you What? I just do No the men always die fast Yeah but I think I will outlive you And I don't know why I do I just think I will outlive you Alright And when you die What I'm going to do is I'm going to get your lips Cut them off And make them into a little necklace And wear it forever And kiss my crispy lips And then every single time I want to miss you I'm just going to kiss your lips.

5:42You've got to like dry freeze them. Could you do that? You could do it in like an air fryer. I'm going to do that. And then put them in glass. I'm going to do that. Like you do with flowers. Preserve flowers. That. Or the other thing that I'm going to do with Sophie when she dies. Because again, I'll outlive her. For some reason I just think I will. I don't know why. Because I'm frail as fuck. We constantly get told. I'm going to learn how to taxidermy and stuff you. That's wrong. I think taxidermy is disgusting. What? Smelly dead organs in your house. No, all the organs are taken out. Yeah, well, your skin's a huge organ.

6:13So how are we preserving skin? Somehow, but I'm going to taxi-dermy my wife. So I'm going to taxi-dermy in a position which is going to be... I'm going to taxi-dermy... On all fours. No, I'm going to taxi-dermy you... Shaving my vagina. Holding a trilbrief and looking really excited. So every single time I come into the house, it looks like you're about to start a dance.

6:50And I'm going to put a little cane in the other one, but you're completely naked. I knew I'd be naked. Yeah, you're naked. And am I like pre-baby naked body, or am I like whatever age I die? No, you're like 90. I can't reverse your age. 90 naked, so tits by the floor. Yeah, yeah, your boobs are going to be by the floor. Great. They're going to be by the floor. Nipples facing south. Nipples. Nipples slightly curved backwards towards your body on the ground. Like it's going to be on the ground like it's some sort of like, like some sort of mushroom. It's just going to be up like there on the ground.

7:23And you're going to be holding your trilby with one leg slightly raised. The hairy bush. So hairy. And you've got your cane in the other hand. And every single time we open the door. And then you can press a button and I go, hello. Yeah. Do you remember that fish that used to stick on the wall? Yeah. And he goes, don't worry. Why did we all have that fish? And you could press a button, you would dance for the kids. And they would all run. Feels like a horror movie. Okay, shall we get into the episode? Hello, I'm Jamie Leng. And I'm Sophie Leng. And now, we're Newly Parents. Oh, yeah, we are, baby.

8:01Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Newly Parents, baby! Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo. Hey, listen, we hope you're having a swell little day wherever you are. Maybe you're in a little village or maybe you're on your way to work. I would love to be in a village. In France or in Ibiza or in Spain. Or in the Cotswolds. No. Well, we could quite happily, and I say this to you a lot, pack up our things, travel down to the Cotswolds and set up camp down there. We could do that, you and I. Yeah, and how would you work? You would get on a car and drive You would live in London And I would live in the Cotswolds No I wouldn't I would become a tree surgeon Okay let's do that I would become a tree surgeon Okay let's do that You sell the businesses I'm not going to sell them I'm just going to give them away Like Patagonia guy did He gave it away For no money He gave it all to charity What fucking guy There's a great book Which is called Let My People Go Surfing Which is all about him And basically Patagonia was set up To give back to the world So he has given it back To basically help Make the world survive I just think people like that like it makes me question so much about myself if you built a business I would give I would give or I would get myself a yacht and a ski chalet actually I wouldn't even get a ski chalet I'd get myself a yacht and I'd get myself a holiday home and then I would give all the rest of charity I'd give X amount to my family and then charity okay so let's pretend that we won the lottery it's 100 million that's what we win what are you spending the money on?

9:31I'm keeping 10 million for myself nice okay maybe 20 Maybe 20 And then I'm giving all the rest of it to charity What would you do with that 20 million? I would first things first buy a yacht Nice And what would you call the yacht? Ziggy After us, so Yeah And how big is this yacht? Fucking huge Okay And then I'm going to get a private jet Because that would probably I think that would cost more than 10 million How much would it cost? A big yacht I don't mean to buy it I just want to rent it every August for the whole month And go do a Kylie Jenner Euro summer Which will probably cost a million quid So how many summers do I have left?

10:07A lot. 70 summers. So 70 million I've got to keep. Okay, so you're now giving... So I'm going to give 30 million to charity. But then you have no money to do anything else with. So no money to your family. You're just... You're renting a yacht for 70 years. I don't think my family need it. They're going to be all right. And they can come on the yacht every summer. So that's that. My son will have some. I've got a million quid yacht every summer. That's a fucking lot. People spend a million quid to go on those. Yes. Easy. And then I'll put the rest in stocks and shares and grow it. There's no more left.

10:34You spent it all on this yacht. Okay, I put five million slots and shares and grow it. You could do a dog sanctuary. I would open a dog sanctuary in the Turks and Caicos. And I would get all my friends to fly over there and also go there for June. August, we'd go on the boat. And June, we would go there and we would just play. And what's happening in July? Yeah, I forgot about July. July, June, we're playing with the dogs. July, we're going to do wildlife. We're working because we're spending all our money. Yeah, July we're eating beans. Okay, just quickly, because Sophie and I have been doing our wills recently, right?

11:11We've been doing our wills because it's important to think about the future. Because we've been thinking about death a lot. Well, I've been thinking about death a lot. I haven't been thinking about death at all. And I just want to understand, right? If I die, like in the Love Island Villa, where they leave with the other person, would you do a Romeo and Juliet? Would you drink the poison to die? No. Sorry? Obviously not leave my son. He's old. He's much older. He's fine. No. He won't care by that point. No. Never going to happen. Because if you went, I think I would go with you. Well, that's bad parenting.

11:47Okay, fine. Let me phrase it then. In our will, what I think we should put is when we die, we get buried next to each other. Sure. But I want to be cremated. No, but then they put a hole in the coffin so we can hold hands. We could be cremated and mixed up together. And then put where? Into a diamond ring. If you die, I'm going to get a diamond ring made with you in it. You just want a diamond ring. Absolutely. You can't. That's not an excuse to get a diamond ring. Every night. That's hideous. You'd kiss it. I'd kiss a diamond ring. Oh, God. It might be sooner than you think because I found my first grey hair.

12:20What? My first grey hair. And it was like Willis plucked it out of my hair and it was like crimped. Crimped and white and thick and wiry. You surely are so grey under those blonde knots I have zero grey hair You would never know I have zero grey hair You would never know In fact, sometimes I see greys in your eyebrows What? Yeah, I do I don't think your eyebrows go grey, really So if you're ginger, you have grey hair, but ginger eyebrows Maybe you're right Interesting thing about grey hair When grey hair is dead hair It means your hair will never fall out that's why you see all like the white foxes in the world if you look at like i don't know um who's the guy who was in pretty wound richard gear richard gear gray hair silver foxes silver foxes not a white fox it's because their hair never falls out i was picturing a white wolf wolf fox i think i think you've you've accepted the aging process that happens in life well yeah i'm only 31 no i know you are but listen you know what guys you know jasmine and cav just came on the podcast and she's obviously like young and gen z and he's 21 and all the rest of it right and me and jamie were trying to like stay young like jamie was like yeah when you saw that chick and cav was like chick and i saw you be like yeah girl because you thought shit is that not a cool thing to say and i was trying to be like down with her saying chop she was like i just thought we were all chopped and i was thinking what the fuck does chop the fuck does chop mean anyway i uh she asked Jaz asked me how old I was By the way We are best friends with them Anyway She asked me how old I was And I said I'm 32 I'm not I'm 31 I told Jamie I was like I'm really actually bummed out That I said I was older than I am Jamie and my friend Bella Were like Yeah why do you sabotage yourself like that Like why would you do that I was like Guys Relax But you're also 31 is very young It's not 21 Why were you all freaking out That I told Jasmine That I was 32 I wasn't freaking out They were like you sabotaged your own self.

14:19I didn't say a word about that. She's not going to be my friend because I'm 32. You're not 32. You're 31. I know, but I'm nearly 32. You've got to round up in life. I think we need to work out. This is what we need to work out for future, right? Right? We need to work out what is going to happen to us. This is so morbid. Are you okay? I'm only 31. I know I found a gray hair, but Jesus. I know, but listen, I just want to be sure with it, right? And it's going to be on record. If and when I die, right, I also want to be cremated and I want my ashes to be spread. Okay, in Mull? In Scotland, in Mull.

14:51I know. So I want you to go over there with Ziggy. Yep. I want you to drive there. I don't want you to take a plane. Sure. I want you to drive there and I want me to sit in the front seat. Okay? Okay. And I want to have a seatbelt across me and as you're driving up to Mull, I want you to stop off and get some Highland toffee and some fudge and put it next to me. Okay. And cremate that with you. Burn it off and throw it in the air with you. And then drive to Mull and you tip it out into the highlands of Scotland. Okay. And I want you to sing a song. Bye, bye, Miss American Pie. Drove my Chevy to the levee.

15:26I sing that to Ziggy every night to get up to sleep. I would like that. That's right. Now, what would you like? I would like to be kept in cremation. Kept in cremation. A little bit of me spread off in Spain, my bear. A little bit of me kept in, in that jar until I really want to go. But I would like to have a tombstone. Oh, nice. Okay. And like it to be really nice. Like I want like an arch with flowers on it and like in Roman numerals like Sophie Haboo and like loads of them. Sophie Leng, I would put it as. Sophie Leng and all the things that I've done like mother of, at this point, it's going to be loads of children, hopefully.

16:05Yeah. And then what would you like the little quote at the bottom to say? Live now what others only dream to live in the future. That's what I always say and will always say. And I'm not living anymore so you reading it live it's an unbelievable quote that is an unbelievable quote so that's what you're going to have at the bottom of the tombstone so don't live to work live now just fucking live what you want to be living in your future life let's freaking go girl let's freaking go you remember that you remember that when all you do is live to work you've got to work to live baby alright baby I freaking love that do you know what's going to be written on my tombstone?

16:36tombstone tombstone do you know what's going to be written on my tombstone? what's been written on your tombstone? it's going to say loving husband loving dad philanthropist. I like that. Mine too. Ladies and gentlemen, on that note, it's time for Listener's Messages!

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19:41at pura.com. Well, welcome back to listeners. Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back. I have a wild story from Jack. Hi, Jamie and Sophie. When me and my mates were about 18, we were around my friend's house and decided to do some classic teenage snooping for spare booze. Someone opened the cupboard under the stairs and started rummaging through coats, shoes, and random family stuff. Then one of the lads pulled out a big bag and we were convinced that we had struck gold. But we found something entirely different that we weren't quite ready for. It was not alcohol. It was a bag full of dildos and bondage gear.

20:28Full. We all went silent for about two seconds then absolutely lost it. The problem was his mum was upstairs, so we had to try and shove everything back in while crying with laughter. From that day on, every time we went round this house, none of us could look his mum in the eye. She'd been offering us tea, and we all just sat there knowing far too much about the cupboard under the stairs. Why does she have so many dildos? Honey, I don't know. How many dildos does one person need? We've only got one, huh? Or two. I know Ziggy found a bag of dildos I don't even own one dildo I've never had a dildo in my life No You haven't needed it sissy I should probably have one Like is it like a brighter passage That a woman has a dildo I should probably have one Just like in my back pocket somewhere Do you know what I mean?

21:20And I could actually mould it to you If you wanted If it makes you feel better What would you do with it? Well I would just have it In my possession Like have it as a rite of passage to have a bra. But your bra is useful. Yeah, but I don't often wear a bra. It doesn't mean I have to use the dildo, but I feel like... The thought of me catching you using your dildo is the funniest thing I ever think of. Walking in, you're using your dildo. I feel really upset for my own self that I've never had one. I really do. Do you? I really do. I really do. Darling, I really do. Why don't you... You can have one.

21:57I'm not. I just do it. I'm not. Just do it. Just do it. Wait, hang on a second. So you would mould... I... Listen, if you want... I'm not going to mould your dildo. I'm going to go and get your dildo made and I'm going to mould it to my penis. Okay. Thank you. I have a... What colour do you want it? Pink. So you want me to get you a pink dildo moulded to my penis? Yeah. Pink, it might look like flesh coloured, like piggy pink. That's what my penis looks like anyway. And I'll get a flashlight made of my vagina for you. Would you be able to not mould... The fleshlight not moulded to your vagina, but your butt.

22:32It's too much. That would be a real Christmas present. And open that up in front of the family, Sophie's butthole moulded into a fleshlight. It's actually horrific. How would you mould the butthole? We would sit in some clay, the same way we moulded Ziggy's foot into a thing. I might message that lady, you know how you moulded Ziggy's foot? Could you mould Sophie's butthole? Your stem mum does it for a living as well. So maybe we could just ask her. Okay, right. Right, I have one from Archie and it's a spooky story. Hey, Jamie and Sophie. I have a story that still gives me goosebumps every time I tell it.

23:12My nan and I were incredibly close growing up. She passed away five years ago. And although I'm not usually someone who believes in paranormal things, I genuinely can't explain what happened next. About six months after she died, I was driving home from work when I suddenly heard her voice as clearly as if she was sitting in the passenger seat She simply said stop It was so loud and so unexpected that I instinctively slammed on the brakes Less than two seconds later A van flew straight through a red light in front of me at full speed No fucking way If I hadn't stopped when I did, it would have hit the driver's side of my car I pulled over, started shaking and burst into tears I know people say it is my subconscious Or that I imagined it And maybe they're right But I know exactly what I heard And it sounded just like my nan To this day, I don't know whether it was grief, instinct Or something I can't explain All I know is that if I hadn't listened to that voice I genuinely don't think I'd be here today That's a moos mob story about the heart I believe this fully because I've told you on this podcast before I've heard someone say something to me in rooms Two rooms.

24:22Both times. Jamie. But what were they telling you? I don't know. Trying to get in touch with me. And I'm here to deliver a message. And I don't know what the message I have to deliver is. I've got a love story from Anonymous. Hey Jamie and Sophie. I have a story that nobody ever believes when I tell it. A few years ago I went travelling on my own around Europe. On my first day in Barcelona I got chatting to a guy in a cafe while we were both waiting for a train. We spoke for 20 minutes, laughed about getting lost, then went our separate ways, and I never even got his surname. A couple of weeks later, I was in Rome, and completely by chance, I walked into the same cafe, and there he was.

25:03We both burst out laughing because what were the chances? We had a coffee together and carried on exploring separately. I honestly thought that would be the last time I'd ever see him, until eight months later, when I was on holiday in Thailand and spotted him again at a night market. Neither of us could stop laughing We took it as a sign and finally swapped numbers Fast forward three years and we're now married Everyone thinks we met on a dating app Because it's much easier to explain But the truth is we accidentally kept finding each other In different countries before we ever went on a proper date That's nuts That's wild I still don't know if it was the biggest coincidence of my life Or whether the universe was really trying to tell us something I truly believe that the universe was pulling you guys together And that is so stunning, that story I'm gonna say this as well right guys I think the universe does weird things I was in a sushi shop the other day and Benny Blanco was in there with me okay and you and him are supposed to get married no we're not supposed to get married but Benny Blanco is there and I said to Sophie do I go up and say something to him I'm a big fan I really want him on my podcast Benny if you're listening I love you okay Sophie made me feel kerfuffled and made me feel you were just like oh do whatever you want to do and I was like but honey I need the advice it's Benny Blanco for context it was 4.50 I was getting my son's dinner he was crying in my arms in a carrier wanting his dinner and Jamie was going it's Benny Blanco hey Benny Blanco Sophie Sophie do you think I should go over to bring it I was like yeah go over would you do that would you go over what would you do you like what will it what will I gain I was like I don't know but he's got security outside and a huge fan with the bouncers I don't think he's really going to want you as a fan coming up to him when he's in the Notting Hill fish shop and then we left and I said go do it if you want and we left and he was like I can't believe he told me not to and then but anyway I think the universe was telling me something I think we're going to meet again me and Benny Blanco I'm going to say it here and now on the show at some point we're going to do an interview or do a chat he's going to come on my podcast something's going to happen but Benny Blanco and I are meant to meet and the universe was giving me a little sign.

27:10He's real short. Don't say that. No, but as in like, lovely guy, I'm also a big fan. But like, I didn't realize how short he was. Yeah, he's a little guy. Selena must be petite too. She's probably tiny, yeah. She was sitting in the van. Jamie was like, Selena's in there, Selena's in there. Sorry, who would you get starstruck when you saw? Selena. We were on a flight once and Sophie saw one of the real housewives come in and she was like, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. It's a real housewife. Yeah, but like, home in the wild, like, sat just like, in the chair next to me. Also, she'd just been in drama.

27:40Like, she got cancelled. It was like a whole thing. She hadn't got cancelled. So who would you be starstruck by if you saw them? Vicky Gumbelson. Who is Vicky Gumbelson? Yes, I know. Who is Vicky? She's from Real Housewives of Orange County. She's the first Real Housewives that ever was. And she's whooping up. Okay, and on that note, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for a bit which we like to call Newly Founded, where we shout out the amazing people, products, businesses, tips and tricks that help other newly parents stay sane. This one is from Anonymous. Are you ready for this? I'm ready Hey guys, I want to shout out BT Benches Which is founded by Rose from Jersey Hey Rose Rose spent years working with children from nurseries to nannying And noticed how difficult outdoor spaces can be for families with babies and toddlers to navigate Her idea is brilliantly simple A picnic bench with a built-in high chair This is amazing What makes Rose's story even more inspiring is that in 2022, age 27 She was diagnosed with breast cancer During treatment, she developed the idea And three years later, the product is now fully tested Creating spaces for families to sit comfortably together A massive shout out to Rose and BT Benchers Rose, you're a complete legend Yeah, that's a really, really clever idea I deserve that, that is unbelievable Man, keep sending in these newly founded We want to hear from you tips, tricks, business ideas Keeping parents sane Send it in to newlyparents at jampopproductions.co.uk Or you can send us a DM at Newly Parents Podcast.

29:07Send it in. All the stories. Dildo stories. Fleshlight stories. Spooky stories. We want to hear them. That's the end of, that's the end of, that's the end of Listener's Messages. So I think I'm finally coming into my dad era. Are you really? Yeah, I looked in the mirror the other day and I feel like I've become a dad. What, dad bod vibes? Not dad bod vibes, no. I just look like a dad. I think you look fantastic. Yeah, but I look like a dad. I think you're thriving. I think you're an amazing dad. I do. I think you're incredible. Why am I a good dad? Because you're just amazing. You're so great with Ziggy.

29:45You're being sarcastic or you're being real? I'm being real. Am I not saying it in a real way? I don't know. Do you know what I mean, Magda? You can't quite tell if she's meaning it. I mean it. I think Jamie, look, I'll say it to Magda. Jamie is an unbelievable dad, everyone. He is like really an incredible dad. Give me two reasons why. This is what's annoying. Because I can tell you why you're a mum. Listen, this is why I don't like to compliment him because he can't just be like, thank you. He wants me to repeat it 40 times. You're an amazing dad, end of. I tell you all the time, you're a great dad.

30:13I've never once said anything about that. Yeah, I'm in my dad here. If I was at the school gates now, you'd be like, he's a dad. Oh, for sure. I look like a young dad. How old do you think I look? I'd say you look around 34. 34? You don't think I'm like 29? No. two years ago maybe I think but I look about 40 so we just roll with the I'm coming into my dad era I feel like I'm like I look like I'm a dad I look like I have like a tech startup and then it's like oh like people at the gates would be like what do you do for work and I would be like I own like a tech company and they'd be like yeah that makes sense that's what I look like why do you think that what's a tech startup do they wear cool clothes I don't know what a tech startup would wear because I look like I'm like dressing a bit differently I'm like I'm like easing into myself like I make noises noises?

31:05when I like get up you go I go like when I move like what the fuck's having that? yeah me too no you don't when I was your age I was like killing life you were out shagging him out oh no we were together we were together we were together I was not out shagging just by the skin of your teeth no I was fully with you you were partying like every night yeah I would still party now you were off the walls but it got me thinking right about age and like everything that we have and we don't have, like what we have now, what we didn't have when we were younger and what Ziggy won't grow up with. Like Ziggy probably won't grow up with silly putty.

31:42Do you remember silly putty? Silly putty was like this like flubber stuff that was in a pot that you'd make fart noises. And it would like get stuck to everything and like dirt was all in it. So my brother, one of the worst days of my entire life, I'm not even kidding you. We used to live on a farm, South Farm, shout out. Okay, we went into the farm yard with our silly putties. He had a pink one and I had a blue one. and we went to a drain and I got it out my little pot and it smelled gorgeous smelled like gorgeous my brother said drop it down the drain and it'll bounce back and so I took it out the pot dropped it plop didn't bounce back I know what you would have done didn't bounce back oh my that's what you'd have done my silly putty because that's what you'd do to me my favourite thing in the world do you know what you would have stomped your foot do you know what my brother also did as a kid what I made a I made a drawing for my dad saying like, Dad, I love you.

32:34And it was like a drawing. And without me realizing, my brother stapled it together. It was like a book, like open it like a book. So when I ran out to my dad to show him, I went to open it and it ripped. Terrible. The sound of a silent assassin. Terrible. So sweet and innocent. He also, I've noticed all of these memories going back. Me and my brother had a huge fight once. Where is Emily in all of this? Don't know. Me and my brother had a huge fight once. and he got a dog brush and scraped it down my back. A metal dog brush. I'm obsessed with it. I'm thinking of another one he did. We were playing snooker once, like pool, right?

33:10We were playing this game where you throw the balls around and you have to stop them hitting the edge and I made a joke at him and I turned around and he had a ball in his hand and he threw it at my head. No, no, no. Hit me in the head. A poker, which surely you're not. A snooker ball. What? Yeah. Silent assassin. Silent assassin. What other things did he do? I could talk about him all day. I remember we used to go to bed. We used to share a room. as kids where was Emily? don't know you've asked that twice I don't know but like where was the sister in all of this because honestly every single story I've ever heard about your childhood Emily's never mentioned and I do worry like was she in an orphanage I don't know where she was she didn't grow up in your family house no but when I knew my brother was a bit odd right my brother is like the smartest person I know the loveliest odd?

33:48yeah he was a bit odd my brother read like War and Peace when he was like three years old shut up I'm not joking he read Lord of the Rings back to back when he was six he's so smart I could phone my brother I could send a message to my brother now and like, give me a fact about Odysseus. I'm always tempted to do it. I'll phone him. Here we go.

34:09Hello. Hello, brother. Hey. Hey. Okay, quickly. Give me a really interesting fact about Odysseus. All Greek mythology is interesting stories, but it's not like an interesting fact. I can't be like, did you know there are 15 ,000 Greek stories? That's what I'm after. That is what I'm after. Did you know that only 42 % of the ancient Greeks believed in myths? Yes, again, that's what I'm after. That's exactly what I want. There's none of that. There is no canonical Greek myth anyway. They're all vague stories passed down as folk traditions, generally sung by bards around fires, and so they're all slightly different.

34:53The myths that are most famous are the ones that were written down. So the reason the Odyssey and the Iliad are particularly famous Because they were written by Homer Who was like the writer, the bard, if he existed But like there were loads of stories about the set of Troy We just don't have them They don't exist today, we've lost them Jesus, how are we related? Like how are we related, brother? I have heart The Greek heroes are not heroes as we would think of them Like I haven't seen the Odyssey I'm really excited to see it. I can't wait to see it. But one of the consistent feedbacks is like, they have made Odysseus very much like a modern hero.

35:35You know, like the Greeks, their morality was very different. Like Odysseus, on his way back, like Saxe Towns, people wouldn't have seen that as bad. Whereas in like a modern context, that comes across bad. Whereas for them, for example, not inviting a stranger into your house was wrong. Like that was breaking Zeus's law. Zeus's law at Xenia is like friendship to strangers. You offer hospitality if someone comes knocking at your door. So the Odyssey film is not going to be the Odyssey book because it can't be. Butter, phenomenal. Phenomenal. Phenomenal work. Absolute phenomenal work. I love you.

36:15I love you so much. So does that confirm that my brother's one of the smartest people you've ever met? He's so sweet. He's like the sweetest. He's so sweet. He's so sweet. Sweet. And so interesting. Yeah, he's smart. You'd want to invite him to a dinner party, wouldn't you? Anyway, going back to our childhood, what things do we have when we were kids that Ziggy's not going to appreciate what he has? Like Silly Party. What other things are there? Water monkeys. I really, really miss them. Nice. And I wonder if we could Google if there's a water monkey still around that you could buy because I used to be so excited for a water monkey and it would lay the egg and then it would...

36:52I can't remember what happened. with the water monkeys oh i'm talking about the aliens do you remember and you'd have them and they'd have a baby but did they i don't understand because some people would have a baby and the others wouldn't like what was going on there i think it kind of was a way of weeding out who was a compulsive liar in your friend group at school because anyone who said that the alien had a baby i think was just attention seeking no i saw the babies what i'm sure one of my friends aliens had a baby i think you could buy baby versions of the aliens and maybe they'd bought a baby alien and pretended do you remember everyone used to say like my aliens had a baby yeah and people would give you like different tips on how to do it like they said put them back to back in the fridge yeah mental yeah but you saw a baby but you didn't see it come out I don't think I ever did see a baby but I just fully believed the lies that all my friends were telling me because now that's really blown my mind wide open that they could have potentially been lying because I thought the whole point of these aliens were that they were meant to have a baby you don't you're too old you can know what they are I don't even know what they're going on do you remember Do you remember those I went to an all boys boarding school Right I don't know if you know that But I did Do you know those things Where you used to put your hand onto And it was like nails And the nails would like imprint On your thing I love that At the boys boarding school We used to put it around our penises And leave it The more and more I hear about And we would leave it on like On like the stairs And then we'd play a game We'd guess who it was The more and more I hear about Boys boarding schools It's like Sounds like Freudian's nightmare Or like Freudian's nightmare Freud What's he called?

38:23Like a Freudian slip All of it just sounds a bit weird It's all about like Wanking You don't even know what that means Well I do actually Like Freudian believe that Dads fancied their daughters And Mums fancied their sons Do you remember at school When it was like a lesson And then suddenly They'd wheel out the big trolley With the TV on it The fat TV Huge TV And you'd be like Like the TV's backside Was out there And you'd be like And now knowing it The teachers were just Probably hung over that day And they're like You can watch Crocodile Dundee And you'd be like well this is religious studies and they'd be like yeah and what and I'd be like brilliant brilliant me too and we'd sit on beanbags at the front of the class no there was in our English room there was beanbags in a corner with the books so you could like read your books when the TV came back like everyone would run to the beanbags and some people wouldn't get them they'd have to sit on the chairs and some people would go what about at school when like we had whiteboards but then they decided to get the paper and like they would put it on the rollers and they'd pull the paper down like what the fuck was the point of that so they couldn't be bothered to wipe it off the whiteboard?

39:25Like, why did they decide to use paper on top of the whiteboard? I don't know. I just don't know. So many things. Do you guys remember that? What about, honey, what about Snake on the Nokia? Do you remember that? No, my sister had a Nokia. I didn't. What did you have? A BlackBerry? I had a flip phone. My first phone was a flip phone, yeah. Samsung flip phone? Yeah. White. And I dropped it down the stairs on my 30th. I got it on my 13th birthday and I dropped it down our stairs and it like the fast lid, the flip, cracked open a bit. And my mom just sellotaped it back together and was like, deal with it.

39:56And it was like blurry. Like every text I couldn't see because it was like, and she was like, there you go. So I didn't charge that phone for two years. And then at about 15, I just, at 14, I decided I want a phone. And she was like, you've got that phone. And I was like, well, I don't even know where the charger is for it. And then I got a pink Motorola and I was sick. That was when I was really cool. and I was like, with my pink Motorola. Oh, ladies and gentlemen, that was down memory. He's never going to have a mini disc. Do you remember mini discs? He could though, because like those things, everyone likes the vintage.

40:29Look at Y2K, everyone, like he, it might be cool. George, your brother, he looks like he's dressing from all sorts of eras. All right, I get it. Listen, we're just going to miss that nostalgia time that Ziggy's not going to grow up in. But anyway, right, honey, it's now time for story time to send everyone else to sleep before we end the show. This story time is about a little frog prince named Jamie Who dreams of finding his princess But lies and lies about his height on hinge Once upon a time there was a little frog called Jamie Who was a beautiful prince but disguised as a frog Every single night he would ribbit, ribbit, ribbit Into the princess's room, Sophie He would sit at the windowsill and he would see Sophie cry, cry, cry at the window Tears dropping down and she would say, where is my prince?

41:18Where is my prince? Where is he? Because the prince had had a wicked, wicked spell put on that sent him into a frog. Sent him into a frog? Turned him into a frog. And every single time, Jamie, the little frog, would rip it over to her to get her tears landing on him and she would say, get away, little frog! Get away, little frog! Because she didn't realise it was actually Prince Jamie. And one night The little frog came to her bedside And he saw the princess had been crying all night And she lay sleeping in the bed And he couldn't get up onto the bed But he saw a little bit of her hair And so he grabbed hold of it And like Rapunzel he climbed up it And it was grey From her pubic section A long, whispery hair Because she was so sad she hadn't groomed at all.

42:12And he sighed to himself, nothing's changed. Anyway, he riveted over to the side where her phone was and he looked and she saw she'd been on hinge to find a date. And so he thought, not on my froggy watch. He tapped into the hinge with his little flippers because that's what frogs have. And he set up his own little dating page and he set his height at six foot two. The real height, which he was when he was a human. And later he found out that they had matched. He replied on the phone as she was sleeping soundly, still crying because she didn't know where her prince was. Meet me at the front gates next to the moat.

42:57So the very next day, the princess went to the moat waiting for the six foot two prince and Jamie ribbed it over. And she went, no, not you frog, get away. But the frog looked at her And she looked at the frog And she saw that glint in his eye And so she picked up the frog And she gave it a little peck On the froggy lips And the frog turned back into Prince Jamie All six foot two of him And they lived happily ever after And the princess finally shaved I think that's the best story you've ever told Ladies and gentlemen, on that note That's the end of the show we'll of course be back next week please stay in touch message us on Instagram Newly Parents Podcast or send us an email newlyparents at jamperproductions.co.uk till then if you're married goodbye if you're getting divorced goodbye if you're thinking of getting engaged goodbye if you're having a baby goodbye and we'll see you next week for another episode goodbye Louie we love you goodbye goodbye

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