Jamie and Sophie Try APHRODISIACS?!

0:00Listen, everybody, welcome back to the episode. Okay, today we're going to talk about a zombie apocalypse. We're going to talk about how Jamie can't drink coffee. I had my first coffee for the first time. It was pounding off the roof. Sophie is also taking aphrodisiacs in pill form. I'm not, I'm taking oysters in pill form. Okay, and also her pregnancy pillow is back. She's not even pregnant. It's bonkers. It's never went, baby. And guys, one more thing. If you can click this little subscribe button, it's going to pop up here. All right? You won't miss an episode. Wink and say bye. Bye. Join us.

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2:21It's an easy addition to your daily routine and helps support hydration when you need it most. Shop now at liquidiv.com Liquid IV hydration that goes wherever life takes you Well, well, well Well, well, well Look what we are again Rat-a-tat-tat It's the door in the hat It's the door Open up the hat What's underneath? It's a little man called Jamie Hello, hello, hello Hello, hello, hello No, I'm so scared and sorry to everyone listening No, come on Rat-a-tat-tat It's a little man in a hat hey listen everybody what the fuck we were just going with it I know I was enjoying it you randomly go I was enjoying it I was enjoying it by the way I thought that was a great little intro I'm not I know you're sorry but I'm not having your like when you're not in the room energy I'm freaking focused okay focus boy honey focus girl I am focused honey badger shush honey badger shush okay we're back why don't you whip me up a little smoothie I already did.

3:25Yeah, you did. And it was delicious. It was really quite delicious. Can I just say this, by the way, the other day? Sophie spiked my drink. This is how I'm going to kick this off. She spiked it. All right? With what? We were doing our Raising Chelsea. Raising Chelsea. Raising Chelsea. We're doing our Raising... I can't... Raising. Okay, we were doing our Raising Chelsea thing, right? You haven't even got it. Raising Chelsea. We were doing our Raising Chelsea promo. It's on Disney+. You can go and check it out. All right? I was ready for it. I was like, let's go. This is a big day. The day that we've all been waiting for.

3:57I was like, Sophie, are you making a smoothie? Bang, I'll have one of those smoothies as well. Sophie made me a smoothie, blended it up, gave it to me. I downed it. Let's get on the road. Suddenly, I felt like my body was taking off. I was like, what the f - Look, I wouldn't know, but I imagine that's what it's like when you take a whole load of - That's what I imagine it's like. Alright? I was about to - I was about to frickin' it. Such a wild guess.

4:31It was... It was...

4:38All right, let me rephrase it, you little sassy. It felt like I had an adrenaline shot shoved into me. I was basically about to take off. I couldn't sit still. My head was sweating. I felt like I was about to throw up. I was like, what the hell is this? It's called Nerves and Anxiety. It's an article called Nerves and Anxiety. Yes, it is. No, it's not. I put something called Space Goods, which is literally like lion's mane in his drink, which, by the way, guys, I have been putting in for the last three months. Every morning, scoop, scoop, scoop. One morning on the day that we had to do press for Raising Chelsea, it was the premiere, the show hadn't come out, we didn't know whether people were going to like it.

5:15He feels anxious. Oh, it's the drinks I've given him. She totally fucked me. I didn't. She totally fucked me. Jamie you've just nailed five coffees Yes I have I'm going to get into that Before we get into that Welcome back to the show

5:34Alright welcome back We missed you I think about you every night I think about you every night You weren't last night you little sleepy little dory Oh my god Sleepy little muffin over there Sorry forgive me for sleeping I solo parented for a week last week and I'm solo parenting again for a week this week. So sorry, forgive me that you did one fucking night. Well done. Round of applause. Our son was crying. You were fast asleep. He was not crying, guys. If I, I mean, honestly, literally like a breath and I'm up the stairs. But Jamie, I said, you've got to do the whole night. And I did the whole night.

6:10And it was gorgeous. It was gorgeous. How annoyed were you with me? I wasn't, no, I really wasn't. I heard you down the monitor at one point go, please, please. No, please. Because he wasn't sleeping. I'm going to bribe your baby. Can I just also understand this, which I don't get. Sophie's brought back her pregnancy pillow. It's in the bed with us. I've not brought it back. I've never given it away. No, honey, it's a big, long sausage thing. It's in the middle of the bed. And it will be there for the rest of my life until I die. When I'm 90, I will die curled around a pregnancy pillow. It's like the Berlin Wall in our bed.

6:44Like, you can't get near you. Farsi, can I just say, How many times a night do I say, can you please touch me? You don't like any touching at night. No, no. What you like me to touch is to rub your back in your bum. That's what you like. I do, yeah. What's wrong with that? Nothing's wrong with it. You refuse. You're like, no, no, I can't go near you. No, I like being near you. I want to be near you. You're just so hot at night as well. I'm not hot at all. You're so hot. This is like a big situation that we have going on because obviously we've got a baby, as you all know. and Jamie thinks Iggy is hot 24-7 like it will be gale force winds it will be raining Jamie will be like wow he's too hot like whip off his sock whip off his jacket because you have a heat problem I'm hot all the time anyway I didn't sleep that much last night so what I've decided to do today for the first time ever is I've had my second ever espresso so not for the first time ever the second time ever this is my second ever espresso ever and honestly I feel jacked up un-frickin' does it feel like

7:49so i feel like what you imagine it feels like i feel like i'm honestly about to take off again i don't know what but it is but also you feel a bit like sketchy and anxious yeah i'm sensing a bit like yeah i'm sensing you need to go get yourself an ashwagandha and just pop that no i feel about leveling yourself out you get yourself a bit anxious and you bring yourself done with an ashwagandha. Why the hell do people drink this coffee? Because I drank it, felt great for like five minutes. Now I feel sketchy as anything. Like, now I feel like everyone's watching me and talking about me. Terrible stuff.

8:26You are being a bit weird, to be fair. I don't. You're making me feel weird. The problem is once you have a coffee, you can't get it out. It's in you all day long. That's a whole day. You can't... I'm going to feel like this all day. Yeah, you can't... You've got to just keep on the... you've got to keep drinking them every two hours. Are you serious? Now that we're in, can I tell you the time that I once took mushrooms? Oh my God, what is going on with you today? I need to tell you this because I was, I just need to tell you this story because it was also one of the most horrific experiences.

8:55Basically what I've worked out, it's anything that changes my whole mindset, I don't really like. Coffee. You love alcohol. Okay. Coffee, not great for me. Too much of a stimulant. Makes me get too energetic. So tell me right now you don't feel good. You look quite dry mouth. Yeah, I feel like I was about an 8 out of 10 when I started. I'm probably rolling around a 4. I feel like... Why don't you take a breath? I can't. We could do it a minute. Like, try and catch your breath for a minute, because otherwise I fear we're going to hear so many stories today. My hands are starting to sweat. I don't know what's going on.

9:32Anyway, this person, one of these people that I knew, had brought these mushrooms to a party, right? And I was like 18 years old. What real life mushrooms? They were just real mushrooms. Real mushrooms that would be in my mum's cupboard. Like real mushrooms, right? Anyway, he was like, oh, do you want to try one of these? And I was like, well, what's that? Why would you eat mushrooms? And he was like, go on, just try it. It'll be really fun. And I was like, all right. So I gobbled these mushrooms. Delicious, aren't they? Well, no, it was like eating mushrooms from the dirt. There was still dirt in them, soil, everything.

10:03Anyway, I was then like with my girlfriend at the time. and then we left the house and we started walking back to her house and I started to feel a bit funky. I was like, this feels a bit weird. Anyway, I got home to our house and I turned on the TV. I started watching Rugby League. It was St. Helens versus like, I don't know, Bradford or something like that. I watched it for 45 minutes, not even kidding you. Yeah, St. Helens won 32-17. I got up to turn the TV off. The TV was already off and I was like, I was like, what the fuck? I looked in the mirror and I was a puppet on a string. I was like, oh my God.

10:47It was the worst night of my life. Okay, so mushrooms, no. Just to clarify, like lions mean that they're not magic mushrooms. So you shouldn't have been seeing things. Right, it was a horrific experience. Hey, listen, anyway, I've got a question for you, right? Okay. If it was a zombie apocalypse, right, the whole world, because I need to understand what a sort of good mother you're going to be when this happens. When the zombies take over the world. Yeah, because it might happen. A virus has been released. Producer Yui has released a virus, all right? Yui has released a virus. Yui is the releaser.

11:23And it's spread everywhere and everyone's become zombies. And these zombies are like fast-running zombies. They're not slow. And they're big. Well, they're human. They're humans. So they're like, it's Yui sprinting after me like this. Yeah, and he uses his teeth. He bites. So these zombies, they kill you by biting into you. So they're cannibal zombies. Well, they just bite because that's what they feed on humans. And Yui's gums release venom. No, yes. If you want to get into the specifics, yeah. I must need the specifics. Okay, fine. How many people has Yui killed? Loads of people. And it's the butterfly effect.

11:56So there's an army of Yuis. Yeah, but they're not an army because they're not regimented. There's no leader. I think what happens is they turn into Yuis. So there's just loads of Yui zombies. Fine. Yui started it. Thousands of Yui's. It's thousands of Yui's, right? And they're all zombies. And they're trying, they're taking over the world. And if you get bitten by one or scratched by one or blood... Turn into Yui and you start running. We live in London. We wake up on the news. Everyone's become a Yui zombie. What's the first thing you're doing? How are you surviving? So what I'm going to do is I'm going to get Ziggy.

12:27I'm going to get the arty pop on. Okay. Actually, I'm going to get the mama's and papa's carrier because it's so comfy for him. Lovely that you love that you're mentioning the brands. And I can run with it. So I'll strap him in. And I will... You can run. I can run. I will come out of my house with an umbrella like that. So if anyone comes near me, poke them, protecting us. And I will find my nearest badger hole. And I will get both of us in it. Because Yui, or the Yui's, they're going to run over the holes. Sorry, Sophie. They are not going to be looking in the holes. They can't smell us. Okay, just quickly.

13:00Actually, do you know what I would do? I'd rub myself in garlic oil so that they can't smell me. They can't smell my blood. Sorry, just quickly. And chilli. Just so I understand. So they don't be spicy for them to eat. Just so I understand, where are you going to find a badger hole? Anywhere. You don't think badgers live in London? A foxhole or a badger hole? And you think you're going to climb down that? Yes. With Ziggy attached to your front? No, I would go, I would put him down, hold him down like that and I would slide in with him. Or I would crawl. Into a badger hole? Yes, a badger hole. Well, badgers are fucking big, for starters.

13:33Probably about the same size as me. Not far off. You think a badger is the size of you? A badger? Second thing I would do, you know when you go to a skip? Yeah. You know you've got those things that you open up, but you open them up like a letterbox and you put the stuff in and then you close it. I would put Ziggy in, I'd wrap him in cotton wool so he wouldn't hurt himself or like bubble wrap. And I would put him in that and I would close it. You'd put them in a bin? And then I would put myself, oh, and then I'd chuck loads of food in, close it. And then I would chuck loads of like water in, close it.

14:08Chuck loads of milk, close it. And then lastly, or matches, a torch, sorry. And then I'd chuck myself in, close it. I can't get out ever because that's the way these bins work. You can only get in. But these... You can't get out? No, but I would just wait until all the zombies are evacuated. And then how are you getting out? I would knock until someone heard me and keep knocking. That's what you do. What would you do? Okay, so you're dead very quickly. No, I'm not because they would not find me in a metal bin. Honey, you're dead. So you're dead. We're actually living in that bin. We've got a torch.

14:48We've got milk. We've got food. We've got blankets. We've got pillows. No, no, no. You're dead. I'm really sorry you're dead. I would survive 100%. Without a doubt, I'd survive. No, you wouldn't. Tell you straight away what I would do. Okay. Okay, here we go. Wake up. zombies have happened fine that's great I would go and get protective stuff to put on my arms and round my neck what's protective stuff like from the gutter I'd go and get the little whatever they're called piping put them on my arms so you would dig under the soil and rip the gutters out no just the piping from the house I'd go and put on my arms and on my legs done I'd go and do that piping's under the walls no the drain pipe going up the house okay fine I'd go and put them on my arms alright I'd then get on my Vespa with Ziggy attached to me and I would drive to the ocean.

15:30That far, sir, Yui would be on you. And they can jump. He would jump, bite, kill. No, honey, he's not. And Ziggy, what, is on the Vespa with no helmet flying around? He's on my front facing me. I'm protecting him and I'm on my Vespa. I'm driving to the ocean. I'm getting on a boat. What boat? There's going to be a boat. I'm driving to a harbour. There's no harbour in London. I'll drive to the River Thames. So you go to the River Thames and you jump on one of the ferries. Get on a boat, drive it out to the ocean, put the anchor down. I'm surviving. I'm done. I'm fine. Okay. I'm not sure. Can I also just explain?

16:02Our house at the moment is full of lotions and potions. We have a drawer which is just full of different types of pills. Supplements. Ashwagandha. There's so many different ones. And the new one that I just realized Sophie is taking, Sophie is taking oysters in pill form. And I heard her talking to her friend. they said when she burps she burps up oyster yeah it's fucking vile I actually can taste an oyster in my mouth right now why on earth like not the delicious oyster you're thinking of like you know when you have an oyster and it's a bit of the shell that gets in your mouth with the water and you're like it's like crispy crunchy sea yeah that's what I'm burping up 24-7 I don't know what it does why are you eating oyster I can tell you I saw it on Amazon and I get clawed right in the amount of packages that arrive every single day for you from Amazon Yes, I know.

16:56We have to make a rule together right now. But my son's world is on Amazon. My world is on Amazon. You can buy anything. You can buy anything you want on Amazon. It's just so fun. The world is your oyster. Sophie bought. Sophie bought. Sophie bought. She was like, look what I bought for Ziggy. He's going to absolutely love this. I was like, what is it? She opened it up. it's one of those blankets that you wear after you run a marathon to keep yourself warm the only way I can describe it is when I got got fell over skiing and broke my knee they wrapped me in one of those boil blankets and I was lying there and it's a real cool memory but he loves it I go and put it over him and he's like oh it's called sensory toys why on earth did you buy that from him from amazon it's called sensory toys my friend told me how son loved it so off I go to Amazon and buy it.

17:52And it came with feathers as well that I think you're meant to like tickle him with. We have to make a rule now. We're not going to spend anything more in Amazon. I have beef organs that I eat from Amazon, beef liver I have from Amazon, everything from Amazon. Sorry, run me through this. Beef organs. Beef organs. And now I just moved on to the oysters. So I'm like burping up lots of like meat. The organs don't really taste of organs. What do you think it's going to do? Give me energy and make me feel good and look younger. It doesn't because, can I be just really honest? No, I don't want to hear it.

18:23And I'm sick to death of you telling me why am I tired. I'm sick to death of it because my central nervous system is up to here because I am a good mother. So you shut up. You're a great mother. You're the best mother. Why am I tired with a six-month-old and working? Okay, I'm just going to put it out there, all right? I got to say it because this is a podcast about being new parents. I did one night and so therefore Sophie doesn't get a reason to be tired. No, I'm just going to put it out there. Okay, you're tired, right? And I think it's because you're taking all of these oysters. No, I've only just...

18:50And you'll take it. I think they're conning you. I feel good now, and it's because I've popped those oysters in my mouth. It's just not. It is. Honey, I have more energy than anyone. No, you don't. Actually, you run on fake energy, I think, and I think that's why it leads to burnout, if I'm being totally honest. There is no way I'm, like, close to burnout. There will be something like your energy, whatever, your dopamine levels or something, are like, they're not right. They're not level. I have a lot of energy. Which is a curse and a blessing all in one. Yes, but the truth is, it's because I'm not taking any lotions and potions.

19:22It's all natural. You could do with some lotions and potions. They make your eye bags go. They make your skin glow. They make your breath smell nice. Does my breath smell bad at the moment? No, but I do think sometimes. Sophie had literally said to me the other day, we went on a trip to Ibiza, guys. It was our first holiday that we've had in a year's time. And it was just fantastic. And anyway, I was talking to Sophie one morning and she literally looked at me and went, I think you have halitosis. And I was like, what do you mean? You're like, something's wrong with you. Something's wrong. I think he's got a bad look.

19:56I'm going to be really honest with you. Jamie does like 500 poos a day. Like, it's so strange. You have a bad gut because that causes like not a great breath and also a bad poo. What do you mean? Bad poo? Like a bad bowels. I don't have bad bowels. are you kidding me it's not normal to do it but most people do yes they go to the loo it's a healthy to go to the loo once twice three times lady you don't have to go to the loo every time you go to sleep it's like a tick every time i go can you all just start and you go oh just seem to go to a poo so i don't know whether you're trying to get out of like doing something with ziggy or you actually have really bad bowels i don't know what the truth is did you enjoy ibiza i had the best time in ibiza wasn't it great it was so great it was so needed you switched off you didn't tick tock me only one in five days guys which is a wild fucking record the the tick tocks that gives me life the social media that gives me life yeah well that's sad we need to be more present we need to get life from the flower from the plant from the ocean from the water from our sun okay that's fair enough the only thing about these oysters right oysters is an aphrodisiac do you know what an aphrodisiac is i do what is it's something that makes you like sexual you're about to say horny i was i really hate that word so when you feel sexual what would you say i want to have sex not i'm horny please let me know in in our dms or in our comments does no one say the word horny no it's so fucking weird to say what do you want me to say i like can we have sex i need to have sex i want to have sex i think people do say that they're horny by the way if you do stop immediately your girlfriend and your boyfriend like no one likes it maybe the boys like it so explain to me explain to me other things that we shouldn't be saying in relationships so you can't say the word horny what else can't we say lush you can't say the word lush hate the word lush sorry you can't say the word lush yeah i hate fart i don't love the word fart what was that word you guys said snuff guff guff is absolutely vetoed.

22:10Don't say I need a guff. Oh, God. Sorry, oops, just guffed. No. Horny's a really bad one. Anything else that you can't say? What gives you the real ick if someone comes and says it to you? I've told you, I really just want you to stop calling me mum. I really don't like it. He doesn't call me anything but mum, mama. And I'm like, no, you called your mum that. I've heard you call Penny mama. for six years. Do not think that I'm going to ever be okay with you calling Mia. My son can call it Mia. You've got to stop right now. My name is Sophie. You can't be calling me Mumsy. I find it weird to call you Sophie.

22:52I don't like calling you Sophie. Okay, well, what did you call me before? Lammy, kitchen sink, anything but Mumsy. Goat, kitchen sink, all of those things. Any of those completely fine. I'm down with. But when you call me Mum and I hear you also then pick up your phone to your mum and go, hey, Mama. and then you go, Mama, can you get me a coffee? I'm like, I don't know. Okay, fine. I totally get it. Listen, I want to ask you one more thing before we go into listeners' messages. Like the zombie apocalypse, if you were holding Ziggy and you had to protect him and an animal was running at you, what's the biggest animal you think you could kill with your bare hands?

23:23Why do I have to kill the animal? Can't I just get it on my side? You can't reason with the animal. You don't have a weapon. You're protecting our son. But is the animal attacking me? Yes. So what animal is attacking me? You have to say what size the animal is. Like an otter. I could take that on. How would you take down an otter? I'd hold his neck. And I'd go off the neck. Look, guys, I love animals. I love otters so much. But if an otter was trying to eat my son, I think I could take one down. I could definitely take one down a ladybug. Okay, true. What about a pig? If it was a pig? No, that's quite full on.

24:02I wouldn't want to put that scenario out there because pigs are really vicious. They're actually so intelligent and clean, but like they've got big teeth and huge hooves. Trotters. Trotters. So a pig is too big. What about a cow? No. I could give it a good kick if I try to protect my son. Okay, the cow is running at you. How are you protecting Ziggy? You're kicking it. I would kick it. Or I would snap its neck. well it would go head down at me like a rhino and i would pull its neck as it did it like a rugby ball and then i'd to the side with full grip with ziggy on my back but i would have to really really grab my feet in because it could whiff me off the floor so i would steady myself like a south african rugby player i just pitched myself like them like in the harem or whatever they do in the rug in the rug and then i would let it the rug come at me and then i would snap like a rugby ball you would snap a cow's neck yes i would what would you do not snap a cow's neck i think i would i would if a cow was running at me i think i would just take it down and like lock it i would wrestle it so he's on your back so what are you gonna do i put ziggy down on the ground and wrestle the cow i could wrestle like or i would just punch it and knock it out you could wrestle a cow because you are sturdy like this man's glutes are thicker than anyone's you've ever met they are so solid it's like i don't think if you did acupuncture on your bum you wouldn't get a needle in the muscles that big great listen everybody you know what time it is it's time for listeners messages

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28:01You know I love a seasonal closet refresh, including my active wear. And YPB by Abercrombie has me covered for fall. The YPB Studio Flex Sets are so soft and comfortable. I'm wearing them everywhere from Pilates class to weekend brunches. Plus with colors like dark green, navy and maroon. It all says fall in the best way. Get your active wear ready for the changing seasons with YPB by Abercrombie. Shop in the app, online and in stores. Well, welcome back to lovely listeners messages. Thank you so much for sending them in. We have a funny parenting story from Jess. Hi, guys. Congrats on baby Ziggy.

28:41and thank you for bringing back the pod. I thought I'd send over an anecdote of what happened on family holiday a couple of years ago and so hopefully this never happens to you guys with Ziggy in the future. By day four of the trip, I'd reach that dangerous level of parental exhaustion. I totally understand what that is. As much as Ibiza was amazing, you're basically parenting in the sun. And you think that they're going to love, love, love it but I don't know how much at Ziggy's age he loved being slathered with sun cream and like in this like sweatsuit all day. No, no, he was hot. He was tired.

29:14There was one point when we were feeding Ziggy by the pool on holiday and we were feeding him his soup and the soup and the food, puree, the puree was going everywhere, like everywhere. And all the other parents are just looking at you thinking, God, they're bad parents. And you're just trying to come. Also, can the other parents listening to this tell Jamie that he needs to like not give a fuck? You started going shh to Ziggy. I was honestly about to karate kick you like cacao and be like, shut the fuck up. He's okay Okay So by day four of the trip I reached that dangerous level of parental exhaustion Where your standards start to melt away slightly We were relaxing by the hotel pool Cocktail in hand Both boys temporarily entertained It was almost peaceful Then my youngest appeared Saying he needed a wee Normally fine But on this day I'd taken him at least five times already And he barely produced a drop each time My patience had reached its limit So I whispered Just go in the pool Everyone does it before i could stop him he marched to the pool's edge unzipped his full body sun suit and unleashed a spectacular fountain of weed directly into the crowded pool oh my god that is so cute i sprinted across the tile screen no no not like that too late the pool emptied faster than the fire door and spent the rest of the holiday avoiding eye contact with everyone if ziggy went to the edge of the pool and pulled down his pants started peeing into the pool what would you do i'd obviously be like oh no but i'd find it quite funny but if i saw someone else's kid do that, I would find it funny.

30:37I would find it funny as well. I wouldn't be like, like, who doesn't pee in the pool? Obviously, I don't. But like, I have peed in the pool in my life. Have you never peed in a pool? No. Sorry, sorry. I'm not, sorry. Can I ask you a question? Have you never peed in a pool? In your house? You, you, you, you pee in the pool. No. If I'm in a pool, I'm peeing in it. That is, what is wrong with you? Have you ever peed in a shower? Yes. What's the difference? Totally different. Chlorine, it kills all the pee, straight away. Do you pee in a bath? Oh, no, I don't pee in a bath. Honey, to be honest, do you pee in a bath?

31:13I have never peed in a bath and that is wrong. And anyone in this room, if you have, I'm not going to give eye contact with you because I will judge you because you are bathing in your own pee. Although I do know someone who used to bathe in her pee and she thought it was good for her skin. Bathing in your own pee? You are mad. I reckon you thought about that. I've never bathed in my own pee. I really, really haven't because then you would come out and you'd smell a pee all night. Like, I absolutely am not bathing. I have a shower after having a bath because I think baths are kind of great because you bathe in your own dirt, bathe in your own filthy little filthy mat.

31:44We were speaking about this and I know we've chatted about this before, but people think I'm a complete psycho and I'm going to come at you. When you have a bath, do you let it run or do you get in it while it's running? I get in it when it's fully finished. Absolutely crazy. It's the most mental thing I've ever heard. People who have baths, you get into a bath and you let it run up alongside you. No, you don't because you're sat there chilly like this while your butt is warm. And then like, I'll get into it when it's like up to my belly button, let it run up to my boobs. Again, a quick tangent, but when Sophie has a shower, it's the most boiling hot shower I've ever had in my entire life.

32:19I don't understand how you can have such a hot shower. When I get in and share it with you, I don't know why you like... You don't share it with me. You get in because you're greedy for the shower. I would like a shower and you take so long. and she does this thing she gets in the shower and she like waves her back round it it's too hot to keep it in one place it's boiling hot yeah boiling terrible for your skin okay okay give me a little funny dating story so this is from anonymous hey guys it's so good to have the podcast back I have a story to share with you that I need to get off my chest last month I was on a night out while staying with some friends in Manchester and was getting on pretty well with one of their colleagues who we'd met out with so well in fact that he invited me back to his as I'd been staying on an airbed on my friend's floor anyway.

33:01The idea of a bed for the night sounded like a win-win. That was until we got back to his place and it was completely empty. No furniture, just a pile of clothes on the floor. When I asked where he sleeps, he jestered to the hammock hanging up in the corner and said, don't worry, we can sleep here as he pulled out a double air mattress and a foot pump. Despite the huge ick of watching him inflate it, I'd come all the ways where I tried to ignore it. As we were getting down to it, the weight of the two people bouncing around was clearly too much and we heard a loud pop followed by a hiss as I collapsed onto the wood floor and he landed on top of me.

33:36Any sexual chemistry left in the air died at that exact moment and I ended up getting an Uber back to my friends about 3am, feeling as deflated as the airbed. Anyway, thanks for letting me share my trauma with you both. I love the podcast and hearing all your hilarious stories and bickering. Gosh! Is that an ick? If you came back... I feel like that man's clothes would stink would be my biggest takeaway from that. Why would it stink? Where the fuck is his washing machine? how has your brain gone there? it would be like you know like clothes that stink that's my biggest ick is stinky clothes like people who don't wash their clothes and like you know uni clothes you know like the laundry basket if you take the clothes out of it they have a it's a strange stench you can tell that it's a dirty smell I get it that everything about that man the smell of that he was a walking stench have you ever before we were together had like a little date with someone maybe had a little hook up with someone and they did there was something weird that happened There was like he had a hammock in his house or something.

34:32Nothing. No, I've not. You've never had that? No, I'm very, very innocent, aren't I? I haven't. I must have told you a story where my friend of mine, who's a comedian, quite a famous comedian, she said she had a one-night stand with a guy. She went back to his house and he was wearing an anorak and they had sex and he didn't take the anorak off. He kept the anorak on the whole time. That's really bad. Yeah. That's really, really bad. Okay, do you have another story for us, honey? Okay, I do. This is a love story from Megan. Hey Jamie and Sophie, congratulations on your new baby, Ziggy. I've loved following your journey right the way through newlyweds and I'm especially excited to relive that journey myself after my partner Ben proposed to me last weekend.

35:12Let's go, come on Ben. I've known Ben since the first day of secondary school when we were put next to each other in maths and bonded over how much we hated it. We became best friends and were basically inseparable until Ben's family moved to Australia just before sixth form and we mostly lost contact. then in 2024 i reached out whilst traveling in australia we met up in melbourne our connection instantly returned except this time the vibe was more than friends and we ended up traveling australia together and completely falling in love once i'd convinced him to move back to england we moved in together and things have been a dream ever since he's the most amazing person i could have hoped to end up with i literally couldn't stop crying when he got down on one knee over breakfast in our flat just the two of us like i'd always wanted then he surprised me by taking me for lunch where all my family and best friends were waiting to celebrate so i wanted to write it and to thank ben for making me feel so special and how grateful i am to have him in my life let's freaking go ben let's go ben and megan

36:13also we have a lovely voice note from anonymous are you ready for this hey jamie and sophie missed your podcast so much have i got a story for you though uh so i agreed to babysit my gorgeous six-month-old niece a couple of sundays ago but i decided to make the really silly mistake and go out the night before on saturday and drink an absolutely heroic amount of alcohol and then i rocked up at my sister's the next day just absolutely hanging which was probably not the best start to the day. When I walk through the door, she immediately hands me my little niece and asks me to take her to a baby sensory class that she had booked, which she forgot to tell me about.

37:00So we walk into the class. At first, it's really, really lovely. My niece is absolutely loving it. She's super, super peaceful, super relaxed. So relaxed, in fact, she decides to do an absolutely enormous poo all over herself, all over me. And before I can even react, I gag and threw up. It was absolutely horrendous. I don't even really remember what happened next, but I grab her, run into the bathroom. I did the fastest nappy change of my entire life. and I was just so mortified. I shot out the door. All I can say is I'm so sorry to whoever was running that class who had to not only clean up my sick, which by the way, stank of tequila and also my little niece's poo.

37:55I still haven't told my sister about it and she continues to go to that class. Let's go. That is awful. Throwing up in public is actually the worst. Throwing up in public is totally the worst. A friend of mine went on a trip to Amsterdam and he finished the day and he was so hungover. He was like impossibly hungover and he was going back through security. And you know when you go through security, you feel a bit sketchy. You're just like, oh, you're a little bit... Because you're just like, oh God, I'm going through security. For some reason, it makes you just get a bit flustered. He picked up his tray, put his laptop and everything into the tray and as he's putting it, he threw up into the tray and then he didn't know what to do.

38:33So he just handed it to the guy working in security. No, it's horrendous. It's horrendous. Horrendous. It's horrendous. Growing up into the security trade. Throwing up is like a demon's coming out of your body. Like it's like a demon is leaving you and it's just the most horrific thing in the whole entire world. I don't think I've ever seen you throw up. Oh, no, I have. Yes, you have. Yeah, I have. I have seen you throw up. Yeah, you're a real wretcher. I've never seen you throw up. I've just heard you crying about throwing up. Like after you're like, I'm so glad I got my mummy. I do not say that at all.

39:07I just need sympathy when that happens. Having a sickness bug is top. The worst thing in the world. It's awful. Listen, everyone, please keep sending your listeners messages. We absolutely love them more than anything. Send them in to newlyparents at jampoproductions.co.uk. Send them over email. We read them all. Okay, sign to our DMs. Newlyparents podcast on Instagram. And also, send us some voice notes. Whatever you want. You can all stay anonymous. We have a number in our show description. It gets to our WhatsApp. All right? Isn't that right, honey? That's right. That's the end of Listener's Messages.

39:40I've been thinking about death a lot recently. Do you ever think about what your funeral would be like? No. You never do that? I don't want to die. I know you don't want to, but did you ever think about that? No. What you'd put on your gravestone? No, and you're making me feel depressed. Do you not ever? No, why would I ever want to think about that? What do you think happens when we die? What do you think happens after that? That's a whole other lie. Because I would be so sad. I'm just going to be a little bit cheesy for a second. I'd be so sad if we died and we'd be buried together, you and I.

40:15And Ziggy and our kids would be there. Okay, this is awful. Why are you talking about that? Do you think we go to the other world and we're together in that place? Yes. Really? Yeah, do you not? Yeah, I would love that. What is this conversation then? I just want to understand your thoughts around it. I don't think about death too much. I think it's very upsetting. So you would like to live forever? I would like to live longer than all my children, for sure. Or, no, sorry, not longer, but like all of us just go at the same time. Were all of us going at the same time? All of us? So I would be like 180?

40:49Okay, so you're 180. Yeah. I'm how old? Well, 187. I'm seven years older. That's very true. So you would be with me for 187 years? Well, yeah, if I had to be. I would be by the way guys also before we get into other things what I've discovered is I don't have any sideburns oh my god it's the most insane thing I don't know if anyone else has noticed this I actually don't have sideburns you don't have sideburns you don't have eyebrows really either or eyelashes and you don't blink and you've had a blep you've got no eyelids you're half human you should have been cast as the new Voldemort

41:31guys i don't have sideburns and so be thought that i shave them off i don't shave them off i just don't have sideburns have a look mac shaves your sideburns off for sure no i i don't have sideburns i just don't have it no but every man has sideburns you shave them off no although like that is new to me you all don't have sideburns i picture in my head every man walks around with sideburns down to here so i was shocked that you didn't and then i looked at tom my sister's husband he also didn't so wait we don't actually have sideburns i thought you all had sideburns that went down to your jaw in my head all men have sideburns that go down i'm sure some of your friends have caught sideburns that go down to there you think they have sideburns like like like handlebars on their face like a man thing like aren't men most meant to have sideburns that go down to here no do i i've got more sideburns than most men there yeah you do because you will shave them and us women are just cruising around with our unkept sideburns we all need to get raised and shave our sideburns you think all men have sideburns going down to their jaw yes in my vision, in my head, when I close my eyes and think of all the men in the world, you are all walking around with sideburns.

42:32No, that is not true. Okay. Fundamentally not true. Listen, we're at that stage in the podcast, right, where we're going to do a bit of a judgment jar. Are you ready for this? This is something that has been a bit of a pet peeve, something that has maybe slightly annoyed at the start of the week that we're going to put away, put in the jar, and we never talk about it again. We write on our little card here, and we put it into our jar. Are you ready for this? Done. Yours is that quick. Done. I like that little bell that you just pressed. Ring-a-ding-ding. There's a bell in my ring. It's a bell in your arsehole.

43:05Okay, you go first, go. Chess. You can't do that to me. We need to limit the amount of chess because it's giving unhinged. It's very, very strange, the amount of chess you're playing. You need to sit, you need to enjoy life, you need to be able to go to the loo and not play chess, You need to be able to walk down the street and not play chess. You need to be able to go to bed without playing chess. Honey, I'm not playing that much chess. You're playing, I reckon, let's go on to your chess game and see how many hours a day you play on chess. Okay, yeah, there's no, I have not played that much chess.

43:36Let's see, how can you go on to your things and see how many hours a day you play on chess? I can go on to it right now. Because I think that as a new father and as a new mother, you need to quit that and spend more time with your child. Okay, hold on, I'm going on to my chess game now. Here we go. So how many hours do you think of chess that I've played? At least two, which is absolutely mental. Stats, here we go. In the last 90 days, I've played 150 games. That's a mad amount of chess, right? So you play more than one game a day? Yeah. What's wrong with that? I think there's something wrong with that.

44:07No, there is nothing wrong with it. You've got too much time on your hands. I don't have time to go to the gym, so you don't have time to play chess. That's the biggest... Because you're going to the gym and you're playing chess. Are you joking? You're going to the gym, you're dyeing your hair. I've got roots down to my sideburns. You're gymming, blonde, Botox, chest. Me, nothing. Absolute... Nothing. Don't even time to moisturise my body. The biggest lie I've ever heard. It's not a lie. Come on, hit me with yours. You saying you're cold. Sophie, you have to stop saying it. You need to stop saying you're hot.

44:40No, no, honey. You say you're cold the whole time. You say it all the time. You say I'm cold. I have a blood circulation problem. You don't have it. At night, I'm really cold. in the day I'm really cold. Jamie, at night, come wind or shine, if we're abroad, the aircon is on factor 16. The aircon is on factor 16. If we're abroad, it's on 16 and it's on full blast and then he puts the fan above the bed on as well. So I am like this. And you know how they don't give you a duvet abroad, like you literally just have a sheet and I'm like whiffed away into oblivion. In England, every window is open around us and then you would put aircon on if you can.

45:18You put a fan on us. It's freezing. saying okay well so you're like a beast within he's so if i don't play as much chess you have to stop saying you're cold is that a deal no it's a deal okay we're gonna put in the judgment jar here we go get it in there judgment girl in it goes you little sassy girl go on then you judgment oh you're a little sassy girl okay so before we end the episode it's time for a little game we like to call story time this week our bedtime story has to be about a handsome prince named jamie whose forehead is frozen after a wicked witch cast a spell take it away Once upon a time in a land far away, there was a young man.

45:53What was the land called? It was called Guff Central. It's called Guff Central? In Guff Central, a tinkly little land far, far away, there was a young man called Jamie. He was so, so little, only four foot two. and he had very, very ginger hair, which he tied and tried to dye blonde, but the coarse strands just wouldn't go. Anyway, one day he was desperate not to age. He cried out to the Wicked Witch, please cast a spell on me. I just want to look young forever. Forever. Forever. I just want to look young forever. So the wicked witch looked down on young, tiny Jamie and felt sorry for him. You haven't got the height, so there I will give you some youth.

46:48And she whopped her wing. She whopped her wing? She whisked her wand round and round the cauldron, and she pulled out a thin piece of hair. She said, swallow this hair, and you will have the forehead of youth. so he gobbled up the hair and forevermore he had the smooth, smooth forehead the end Honey! Unbelievable! Listen everybody we're going to see you next week for another episode of Newly Parents Bye guys, we love you! Remember to keep in touch at Newly Parents Podcast on Instagram or Newly Parents at jamboproductions.co.uk and we also have our voice notes WhatsApp number in the show description voice notes we want to hear from you and we'll see you next week for another episode Woo!

47:33Until then remember to subscribe if you're getting married good luck if you're getting engaged good luck if you're in love and ready to mingle oh just go out there and fall in love if you're having a baby oh go and just have the best time we love you goodbye goodbye Oh, God.

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