Jamie delivers a BABY!? 👶

0:02Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Nearly Paris podcast with me, Jamie and my wonderful wife. Sophie. That's her speaking over there. On the beautiful menu today. We just got back from Paris. I am whimpering in the night and getting no sympathy for it. We have a midwife on who gives birth on the podcast. Yeah, literally. And a witch is our neighbor. Ooh, spooky season. Get ready for that. Remember to subscribe to the show and enjoy this episode of Nearly Parents.

0:51We'll see you next time.

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1:53Hello, I'm Jamie Lange. And I'm Sophie Lang. And we've been married for two years. And we're having a baby. Yes, we are. Are you ready? Let's go. Well, welcome back to Nearly Parents. That's N-E-A-R-L-Y-P-A-R-E-N-T-S. I'm so surprised that you got even near right. Why are you surprised how I just spelt nearly parents? Because you can't spell my love. Okay. Okay, there's a few things By the way, I can't wait to get into it, guys Turns out Sophie can't whistle Bitches Mental No, hang on a second I just want to ask everyone in the room Can you all whistle? I actually can't whistle Magda, I knew you wouldn't Magda, you can't whistle either No, I don't Loads of people can't, it's a common thing Okay, try and whistle But people can spell lamp Okay, okay, okay Ready?

2:52You said I breathe in, I suck in No, do this so make a little like a tiny little butthole and then I've never been able to and I'll tell you try that one more time I'll tell you another thing about me I couldn't I couldn't light a lighter until last year what's wrong with you? I was so scared I was going to burn my hands the same with those sprinklers you know everyone's wedding like we went to my best friend's wedding what did you just call it? sparklers a sprinkler? you just called it a sprinkler? those sparklers are the most fucking terrifying things that have ever graced us back. Why do we want to hold a stick that is burning down to our hands and it's spitting far at all of us?

3:34Can we actually... That's quite scary. I actually do need to just caveat. And then the hottest thing in the world when you touch it. I need to just caveat and tell the story about Chrissy's wedding.

3:46Okay, so we're at my best friend's wedding last year and it's in Rome and it's amazing. cutting the cake and everyone gets these sparklers that I hate. So I'm standing back because they are a safety hazard. And I'm watching from afar and I see my sister's husband go, Tom Berry, he's been on the podcast. You all know and love him. And he's like, oh, oh, George, George, is my hair all right? Is my hair on fire? He has burned. Someone has dropped a sparkler and there is a clump, a bull patch this big on his hair. It was the funniest thing. There was a guest at the wedding. There was a guest at the wedding.

4:27It was actually the funniest thing. She was a good vibe, but you know when someone gets a little bit too overexcited? She fell over, bless her, and broke her tooth. No, she fell over and she got back up and she went, ah, is everything? She was American. She went, is everything all right? I looked and her tooth was missing. And her tooth... And so then... And because we were in Rome and, you know, the floor's like lovely white pebbles, right? It's tiny white pebbles. So you suddenly see her, bless her, with her camera light, looking on the floor for her tooth. Trying to find the tooth in the pebbles.

5:03And it wasn't a side one. It was a full-on front one. I know, but I think she found it. What the fuck is that going to do? Shove it back in? Yeah. No, honey, it's gone. Your tooth comes out. It's like gone. I'll tell you another story about tooth. My dad's friend... Oh, my neck. swallowed her veneer whilst eating something swallowed her veneer she waited three days pooped it out was on holiday she came to dinner she had it stuck in her tooth she told the story I said but what's the one stuck in your tooth she went she swashed it pooped out stuck it back in with glue she shat out her veneer yeah and then put it back in her mouth yeah scarred into my memory we took a little tangent back on the road you can't whistle which is it also used to not Oh my god, our kid.

5:49I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry you chased our babies from me. I also can't. Can't click. I used to not be able to click. Our kid, I'm really a bit worried about our kid at the moment. Because you can't click. You can't whistle. You can't. I'm amazing acting. Okay, you can act. I can't spell. I'm really good speller. Awful at maths. I think you're smarter than me. I'll tell you something else about the legs, right? They're all very smart. like I don't know where you fell from but like Penny is incredibly smart my mum is very smart she went to Mensa she was a part of Mensa she's so clever and they all like to do the crossword and they all like to play Zippy or whatever those stinking games as Linky and honestly when those games or those crosswords get pulled out I feel like I want the ground to swallow me up there's nowhere to hide and you you fucker always go oh Sophie She'll know the answer to that one Trying to get you involved, honey Well, obviously I won't I won't know what happened in the 1920s to some weird historian What are you talking about?

6:55That's what you always ask me Okay, let's just test your knowledge very quickly We're going to do a quick maths test Okay, because I'm just I want to make sure that our baby is going to be good at maths Don't get your calculator out I'm not getting my calculator out Put your phone down Question number one What is two times two? Four Four Four Four Four Four Four Four Four Four Four Four divided by five. Five, bitch. No. Yes. Oh, no, it's not. Five, 20 divided by five. What's that? Okay, cut this out. I'm so bored. I really don't. You're like brain shaming me. It's so embarrassing to you. Last one, last one.

7:34All right. Last one. Seven sevens. Jamie, I don't want to do it. I don't. It's been so long, so long since I've had to do any maths. That's what countants are for. Just leave me alone We were in Paris on the weekend Which was a lovely time We had a wonderful time And Sophie found out Because I'm heavily dyslexic That I actually spell words in my head Not the way everyone else spells it So if you were to spell Sophie You would spell it S-O-P-H-I-E And how would you spell it? In my head when I'm spelling things I spell them S-O-P-H-I-E Is everyone just gasping Or is it just me? because I think that is the...

8:16Hello, ha, ah, la, la, oh. Can I just say, I don't actually, it was so long ago that... Penny, pa, ah, na, na, ya. It's a challenge in itself that you know the alphabet in that lingo. Give me a word and I'll spell it. But you can't be serious. I genuinely don't think I believe it. Sarah. Sa, ah, ra, ah, ha. It's so impressive. Like, I have to be like, sa, because it's so like, it's ingrained in me to say S. Like, I can't think what that lingo was. I was like, did we even, were we three when we knew that, those terms? Like, at what age did we learn A, B, C, D, E, F, G? Abba, kada, efferja. No, I don't think my school never taught us that.

8:53I think that was like preschool. Your parents would like teach it to you at like Bella's age. And then by the time you got to school, you were like learning A, B, C, D, E, F, G. Oh God, it's just too good. By the way, ladies and gentlemen, I have a very sore neck at the moment. And my wife is giving me no sympathy whatsoever. actually don't roll your eyes I'm really sorry but I will just say that I just find the level of complaining and the level of whinging oh my god and the thing is right if I complain from you right Jamie you made fun of me because I can't bend over so when I bend over everything falls over and I smash things and it's a fucking disaster but I don't want to ask for help the whole time because I'm a strong independent woman and you go oh Sophie oh what are you doing I do not do that.

9:43You do. You're like, what are you doing? Just ask me if you can't bend over. I'm like, well, sorry that I'm carrying your baby inside me and I can't bend over. That is not true. And that is not fair, my darling. And then the second thing that Jamie did is he leant on my stomach. Baby, no, no, this is so unfair. And I thought, that's not a ledge. And it's not a pillow. It's a baby in there. And you are leaning on my stomach to bend over. I rested my hand on your tummy to give you a kiss. That's what I did. You levered your body off me on my tummy. Someone's really stored that in their mind. That wasn't brushed under the carpet and forgotten.

10:22Of course it was. That really upset me. That really upset you, didn't it? Absolutely. Okay, we'll park my neck for a second, but this is what I have to deal with. This morning, I'm upstairs doing my morning routine. I'm brushing my teeth. I'm having a lovely time. I hear smash. I'm like, what the? I run downstairs. Sophie's dropped her whole bowl of fruit and yogurt on the ground and is just staring at it and going, uh-oh. I'm devastated because it was the last bit of fruit in our fridge and I was ragingly hungry. And instead of just going, oh God, I've made, you know, sorry everyone. She gets angry at the fact that she's dropped the bowl.

11:02So then she's angry at me because she's dropped her bowl with yogurt on it. So what do I do as a good husband? I leave the house. I walk around the corner I go and find you another Two minutes away I go and get you another kiwi Because you love your kiwis I go and get you a lovely melon That's what I do I bring it back I chop it up for you I put it in I didn't that You didn't chop it up I did not chop it up But I bring it back And I give it to you As a loving husband would do I asked you to do it Yes, that is true Because I would have been really hungry Right now in this podcast Had I not eaten that So when I have something called Tortacoli I have this thing guys Called Tortacoli In my neck It's Italian?

11:39No, it's not an Italian pasta. It's not. It's called Tortocoli. And basically, you have two muscles going either side of your neck, from your ear down to your shoulder. And for whatever reason, stress, sleeping on it wrong, whatever happened, the whole thing seized, and it became really painful. And it starts to spasm. And it was spasming so much that I actually was in a real bad place. Sophie didn't help me one bit. Guys, when I tell you this guy is screaming in pain, like that, and I say, we need to probably go to a medical place of some sort. No, no, what does this boy want to do? He wants to game all day with that pain.

12:23And you game in silence. But when I come down, the screaming starts again. So yes, I am finding it irritating. I said, just get your ass in a car and go to a hospital. And I went to the hospital. Yeah. And they injected me and gave me some sort of other thing to take. And it felt better, but it was very, very painful. Is it so painful? Honey, it's so painful. I can't sleep at night on it. You're snoring and you're also whimpering the whole way through the night. So, and I'm like, are you okay? Oh, last night, what happened? Guys, I'm real big. And when I have to get out of bed, it's a whole thing.

12:58I have to lift this leg up because my hip flex is gone. That's how I have to move at this point because the pressure from... I have to lift my leg up like a lever because the hip flexor won't move. It's completely broken. Sophie has to do this in bed. She went, watch this, Jamie. This is how I get out of bed. She lifts her leg up in the air and uses it as a pendulum to then throw it over the bed. And the weight of her leg propels her upwards. It's really, it's quite something. It's like my lever. It's like my little toy. but also I can't like right now my brain is saying uncross your leg but it doesn't work anymore the hip flexor doesn't work I went to the osteoporosis it fully it's gone it doesn't it's not connected so I you're a liar I can't try and lift your leg up I swear to you it just doesn't work it's dead leg I don't know how the hip flexor is going to come out so what I do is I have to do that and so Jamie is doing saying stands up staring into the space like a freak in the night and I said what are you doing he said I can't pick up my pillow Why?

14:01Because your waist works, your hips work. Why can't you bend to pick up your pillow? So what do I have to do? Leave on my poor leg, walk all the way around the side of the bed, get his stinking pillow, put it on the bed. That's a good wife. Sophie said to her, when we were walking down the street and I was holding her arm in arm, she said, it's like you're herding a cow. The things you're coming up with at the moment are really making me, you're in your funny era, even though you're always funny. You are making me die with laughter at the moment. It's quite funny, the body in this stage, because you're like really like a walking whale, if a whale had legs.

14:42Like in the sense, like, it's not like necessarily like the size, yes, there's a big bump, but like this is the slowness my body moves. It's like, it's almost comical. Like I'm, it's like a snail. Like I'm so slow. Like the limbs aren't working. It's very odd. So we've been listening to this horror tape, which I don't understand why we're listening to, because it's actually the most terrifying thing I've ever listened to ever. Guys, honestly, if you want a book, read Teacher. Really fucking scary. And then if you want a really scary one, Ward D, Freedom McFarlane. Wow. But we also, guys, had another really scary thing happen to us.

15:17And because it's Halloween month, maybe this is why it's happening. We were walking down the street together in London, and there was this old person standing outside her house. And as we walked past, I know where this is what happened. We walked past and this person said, hello. And I went, oh God, I went, hi. And they went, can you help me with my food? And I went, of course I can help you. You know, I'm a good citizen. Of course I'm going to help someone. So I brought it up to the top of the stairs to the front door. I said, there you go. No worry. My pregnant wife, Sophie, is slowly inching further and further backwards down the street.

15:55And I go, okay, have a nice day. and they say, no, can you take it into the house and up the first flight of stairs for me? The house that's boarded up pitch black. And it looks like a house out of a horror movie. It does. It looks like a very scary house. So I'm thinking, okay, I don't know if this is going to be safe, but I'm thinking this person seems harmless. It's going to be okay. So I say, okay, cool. Well, why don't you lead in and I will then take the food up the stairs for you. You kept saying, okay, my darling, well, why don't you go? And I was like, I've never heard you say that one.

16:26and it was really throwing me off. Because I was freaking out inside so much. You're like, my daddy, why don't you go up first and I'll follow suit. I was freaking out. Inside, I was terrified. And they said to me, they went, are you scared of me? And inside, I was like, fucking damn right. I'm absolutely terrified right now. But on the outside, I was like, no, I'm not scared at all. And they went, well, take it up to the front, the first stair. So I then started having a mini, mini argument with this person. I said, well, listen, why don't you go first? and then I'll take the food up after you.

16:58And they went, no. And I went, listen, the only way this is going to work is if you go into your house first, you go up the stairs, and then I put, because I had this whole vision that I was going to go and then the door was going to be shut behind me and I was never going to come out of the house. I was going to be stuck there forever. And all I kept hearing from outside was Sophie going, are you okay in there? Jamie! I did go up the stairs. You did not go up the stairs. And I thought, bad vibes, bad vibes, bad vibes. I was retract, retract, retract. And I ran as far, I think I was on the other side of the road.

17:29You did nothing. I went up the stairs and I thought, no way am I entering that door. Anyway, they, finally I left their food in there and walked out. But it was a scary, scary experience. Right, before we get into our packed out podcast, which we have today, we're going to play a little game of Mr. Okay, Tortie Coley boy. Mr. and Mrs. Are you ready? Rawr, rawr, rawr. Are you ready for it? I'm ready as I'll ever be. So we're going to find out how well we really know each other. Now we've both written down a few questions about ourselves. Yes. Okay. And the other person has to guess the right answer.

18:03So are you ready? Okay, I can't wait. Okay. Where did I lose my virginity? Okay, so it was to a girl called Sarah. And I don't know where you lost it. You never told me, but I'm going to go with field. You think I lost my virginity in a field? Yes. In your dorm room? at her house where then? I'm not going to tell you on the beach oh my god Portugal on the beach no that's where you first got blowjob

18:36okay I lost it in my brother's bedroom poor Zardin you didn't tell him so he would have slept in that bed ah well he knows now right what's the pettiest reason I ever gave someone for dumping someone Well, you found someone boring. And that's why you dumped them. Do you know what is it? The better reason is this. The better reason is that you suddenly realise there were more boys out there. That's literally what you said to me. You suddenly realise there was more boys. It wasn't just Warwickshire which had boys. And you went, well, now I'm going to dump him. That was your reason. I don't think that's petty.

19:11You get to uni and your eyes are suddenly like, whoa, there's loads of fit guys here. Okay, right. Who did I first get a handjob from? I'm trying to think who I gave my first two. Oh my God. And you're really good. Bet you were really good at fingering someone. You knew exactly what to do. Hand job's pretty hard to get wrong. Trust me, fingering is very easy to get wrong. Hand job's exactly... So as in like, I couldn't have got it wrong. Sophie thinks she's starting a fire. This will warm up. Jamie thinks he's trying to dig a hole. Okay, what's my least favorite pregnancy symptom? The nausea. The nausea.

19:57You can't stand the nausea. Tardness you find really annoying, but it's when you feel sick. That's what you hate more than anything. Yeah, I guess so. You also find you feel very heavy, and that's quite... You don't like not being able to move. Being uncomfortable. Yeah, being uncomfortable. I know all of these. Who's the most famous person I've snogged? Vicky Patterson. I didn't snog Vicky Patterson. Okay, right. This is so fun. I think *** and I had a snog once. Oh, that's what I got. Oh my God. No, we can't get that in. So you snogged someone off Tally? I think I did, yeah. I think if you Google you, there's sometimes like pap shots of you snogging a said person.

20:34Can I say something? I'm sure she won't mind me saying it. Yeah. Charlotte Crosby. By the way, Charlotte, she's so great and so funny and so wonderful and she's freaking awesome, right? And Charlotte Crosby was on And Geordie Shaw, we did once something called a personal appearance together in Ireland together. And this was back in the days when everything was a bit like Rogan. It was sort of like Made in Chelsea versus other like reality shows. That's what it was like. And it was Charlotte Crosby, one of her friends, me and Oli Proudlock. Anyway, we had to do a battle against each other on stage in front of the crowd.

21:08And it was going back and forward. And Oli and I got on stage and the crowd went wild. And they were going crazy. And they went, you're the winners. well done you're the winners and Charlotte took it into her house was like no she grabbed the mic went no no she they're not the winners they're not the winners and they were going no they are not the winners she said everyone be quiet and she squatted

21:36she squatted with the handheld microphone and Fanny farted into it and the whole crowd went silent and then booed. Was it like who could do the most disgusting things?

21:57Okay, right. Charlotte, years later, do you remember when I fanny farted?

22:07That's actually really impressive, I'll say. Like, I don't think I could just fanny fart on cue. So like, she's got some real strength in her vagina. Like, good for her. Charlotte, I salute you. Okay, what part of being a dad am I most excited for? You can't wait to play sports with our baby. Yeah, that, but also another thing. I cannot wait for that moment when I walk into the room and my baby is there with their hands on the cot excited to see me in the morning and I can pick them up and they just hold my neck because they just miss me. I cannot wait I can't wait for that moment I said it to you last night I know then he can't wait for the door to like knock knock knock and like creep open creep open and the toddler's like can I sleep with you guys can I come into bed with you daddy or mummy tonight and I'll be like 100 % yeah me too I'll be like come and never sleep in the ori and we're in bed together and we're just like we're a team it's like us versus the world that I can't wait for do I think you're really ready to be a dad.

23:13Yeah, 100 % you do. Yeah, I do. You have no worries whatsoever. I have no worries whatsoever. That's the end of Mr. and Mrs. Ladies and gentlemen, you know what time it is. It's time for The Listener's Messages.

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24:47We have a listeners message I'm going in first You're going to go first From Anonymous Okay for it, honey Firstly, I just want to say how much I adore listening to you both Your pod is my guilty pleasure on those days when my one and two year old have finally broken me and the only solution is a car nap I chuck them in the back grab myself for posh coffee, whack you guys on and enjoy an hour of silence while having a giggle at your antics. Love you. Love you. Let's go. After my first little one, I went for a routine smear which showed some abnormal spells. So I was sent to the hospital for further checks.

25:20A very nice male consultant explained he'd be the one doing the procedure. And while he was having a good rummage around, he tried to make small talk. We chatted about cricket, the lovely weather, all very normal. And out of nowhere, mid-rummage, he said, so did you have your baby here? Now, given the situation, his head basically in my undercarriage, I naturally assumed he was asking whether my baby physically exited via this route. So I replied cheerfully, oh no, I had an emergency C-section. He froze, looked out from between my legs, and with the most confused face said, I meant did you have your baby in this hospital?

25:58I could have died. I wanted the steroids. That is just so, I've been there so many times. I could have died I wanted the stirruits to swallow me whole to be fair if a man's head is down there and he asks did you have your baby here? what on earth are you supposed to think? very true anyway keep doing what you're doing you honestly keep me saying good luck with the rest of the pregnancy I hope labour's smooth and that you enjoy every second with your little one thank you I have a wild story another one from Aiden Aiden my partner Jane Jane spelt J-A-Y-N-E fell pregnant with our first child back in 2020 and much like you guys we weren't getting it on in the bedroom.

26:34Jane has also had a craving for chocolate. So in the last ditch effort to try and seduce her, I decided to place some of her chocolate on my chest to try and make things a little frisky between us. Maybe I should do that with pickles. Pickles and garlic. I'm going to put pickles and garlic on my chest and some chopped up kiwi. You wouldn't be able to get off me. You absolute frisky devil. I called her through to the bedroom and instead of pouncing on me like I'd imagined in my head, she burst out crying. Turns out she was upset that I had wasted her chocolate. She laughs about it now and blames it on her hormones.

27:09All the best for when the little one arrives. Being a parent is honestly the best but most challenging thing in the world. And you two are going to smash it. Tell me this. If I was going to put things on my body that would really make you crave and that would make you seduce and you would jump on me, what would it be? Crisps, right, in this very moment. So I get crisps. I scrumple them up. Come on, Iberico-flavored crisps. Hamon aberrical flavoured... I wouldn't want you to scrunch them up. I don't like crummy crisps. I like a whole... If they're rolled over, that's elite for me. So I'm naked.

27:41Torres hamon aberrica crisps is what my mouth is salivating for right now. Torres hamon aberrica, if you're listening, send me a truckload and I'm going to honestly just pour it all on me. Okay. This is from Chloe. I just wanted to share a special story about my sister also named Sophie. Sophie and her husband have been together for 12 years and got married three years ago. They started trying for a baby soon after, but unfortunately, they struggled to conceive and eventually had to turn to IVF. It's been a tough journey. Sophie even had to have one of her fallopian tubes removed. But luckily, during the IVF process, they were able to retrieve a good number of eggs.

28:16Fast forward to 2025, the family experienced some heartbreaking losses, including the passing of her husband's grandmother and then his dad. It was an incredibly emotional time for everybody, but just when we needed some light, we received the best news. Sophie is now 12 weeks pregnant and her baby is due in April 2026. Come on, let's go. Yes! Our whole family is over the moon. My mom and dad are going to be grandparents for the first time. My sister and I cannot wait to become the best aunties ever. We absolutely love the podcast. It's been so helpful and educational, especially for me as I learn how to support my sister and prepare to be the best auntie I can be.

28:53she listens every week so I hope you read this one it would mean the wild time so we're so happy for you and April's such a beautiful time to have a baby spring baby let's go guys let's freaking go congrats guys I'm so pleased for you guys as always we love these messages they make me howl they make me laugh they make everyone laugh we love all the messages in our inbox we see them all the happy ones the sad ones the lovely ones everything so please please keep sending them in you can send them in to our DMs at nearlyparentspodcast or you can send us an email. It's very simple. nearlyparents at jampopproductions.co.uk Everything is in the show description below.

29:30That's the end of Listeners Messages. Listeners Messages.

29:38Guys, I'm very excited to bring someone onto the podcast. Her name is Pip. She's an experienced midwife. She's going to be teaching us a lot of things about that but also she's going to be talking through how one would give birth. I'm excited for it. Sophie, I know you're excited for it. Listener, viewer, everyone around the world, I know you're excited for it. Please, welcome to the podcast. It's Pip.

30:07Pip, welcome to the podcast. Thanks for having me. I'm excited. Oh my God, thank you so much. We're rookies over here. We know nothing. Can you explain what a midwife is? So a midwife essentially is the person that supports you throughout your pregnancy and then through birth and that like very initial postnatal period as well. I guess the challenge is at the moment, you don't often see the same midwife at every appointment. So it used to be this like really beautiful nurturing relationship that you got with your midwife. And in like today's system, we've kind of lost that a little bit, which is sad.

30:40But I like to think we still have the skill of bonding with women very quickly when they kind of come into our care. So yeah, our job is to support you in that holistic space. And if there's any complications, twists or turns that need more support, then we'll signpost you to the appropriate medical professional, obstetrician, doctor. But we're like the first port of call. Where does the husband turn to? Us too. We're here for you both. Okay, great. See, that's what I wanted to know. Because it's nerve-wracking, right? It's like the whole thing, it feels like incredibly natural and everything.

31:11But it's also quite scary, the whole process, isn't it? It's a big deal, isn't it? It's a really big thing. But what you said is so crucial, Jamie, because I think sometimes dads can feel a bit like lost or a bit of a passenger. And we don't want you to be like the lemon in the room during birth. Like, you've got a really big role. This baby's half yours, right? Like, it's a big deal. So you should be able to talk to your midwife, like ask us all the questions equally as much as Sophie and feel like involved. We don't know what our birth plan is going to be yet, do we? So we don't quite know yet.

31:42Some people do a water birth. As a husband, I can't get in the water as well. You can if you want to. There we go. You can if the woman wants you to, right? And if she wants you to. But, like, the pool, when you first see it, looks all nice and clean, right? Like, a little while in, it's a bit murky. There's a bit of this and that floating around. You might not want to. Well, how quickly does it get a bit murky? Well, depends how long you're in it. Depends how long you're in it. If you're a fake tan wearer, very quickly. I'm not. Apparently, there's a little net. A scoop. A poop scoop. There is a poop scoop.

32:20Quite literally, a poop scoop. Oh my. So how many years have you been a midwife? Oh my goodness. I started midwifery in 2012. Amazing. So I'm getting old. That's incredible. So what advice would you give to, so couples going to the birth, what is the advice that you would give to them leading up to the birth? What is it? Communicate together. But have, like we talked, you just said there about like making your birth plan don't have a plan that is like i want xyz because that's all not that helpful everyone wants the same thing typically either plan cesarean or really straightforward unmedicalized water birth people tend to go like down one one of those paths but there's this enormous gray area in between so having like your plan a preferences is great but also explore those deviations and i always say to families if there's something that you're like, we really don't want X, Y, Z.

33:14Actually, they're the things that we need to like talk about a little bit more and unpick a little bit more and make plans for. So often families might say like, I really don't want an induction of labor, or I really don't want something like forceps, or I'm really concerned about tearing. Then they're the things we need to like explore in more depth and make a bit more of a plan for, or give you a bit more information about, because they might crop up. And you know, in life, if you don't plan for that one thing, like that's the thing coming for you. It's just the way life works, right? So talk me through.

33:44So let's say baby starts to come. Yeah. You have your bag packed. Yeah. You have your exit plan. I feel like I need to be Jason Borden. Like what is the best plan to have? So a couple of things. When contractions start, right, we don't want you to first of all go, oh my goodness, I'm going into labour. Let's all leg it. Like we've got this emergency run to the hospital because the vast majority of time you have got time babies don't tend to just like fall out I mean if only it was that easy there tends to be time so you don't need to panic you don't need to rush and actually panicking or rushing gives you this big surge in like adrenaline or cortisol which is the worst thing so just like we're having a baby do a little dance do something that makes you laugh super super chilled no rushing my husband when I went into labour with my first started like and he hasn't cleaned the house in a long time but he suddenly started cleaning the house and like getting everything ready.

34:40And I was like, hello. Like we need to just keep everything really chill, everything really natural. So yeah, don't panic and don't rush because all you do is send your adrenaline sky high and that just stops labour. Yeah. Are you serious? So you just go, all right, this is happening. Here we go. What are we panicking about? We're having a baby. That's exciting. Do you think I'm going to be calm in that situation? I think so. You should be after all that we've learned. you think I'm going to be calm in that scenario yeah I think so I think well you've been told to be in the hospital very calm but I would normally go into like right here we go let's get in the car let's get ready but no it's all just calm and peaceful no just stay chill we don't need to be like yeah don't need to be stressed about it that's great it's exciting right okay and then normally when people get to the hospital yeah because I imagine it's like the movies where you break in you go like we're having a baby that's not what happens is it I mean, you can do that if you want.

35:36I would like to do that. Okay, have that moment, have that moment. But that's not normal. But then be calm. Okay, okay. And talk me through the actual birth and everything that happens. Because I've been told the most important thing is to rub Sophie's back, to make sure that's all okay, to talk about things calmly, to keep the mood going. That's the way to be a good partner during this process, isn't it? Yeah, I mean, do you like having your back rubbed, Sophie? I do now, but I don't know how I will. I've been told I might not when I'm pregnant. Yeah, you might be like, get off me now. Everyone is so different.

36:10What were you like, Pip? I wanted my husband near, and when I wanted to hold his hand, I wanted it now, and if he wasn't quick enough, he was in trouble, right? But I generally wanted him to know he was there and present, but I didn't want him touching me. One thing that I got him to do in my second labour was count my contractions. Didn't plan on it, but I found it so helpful because contractions, they're like a wave, right? So they're about 60 seconds. Yeah. 20 seconds building. 20 seconds super intense. 20 seconds getting easier. So you have to count the contractions. Yeah, so let's say like Sophie starts contracting.

36:45You just count to 60. And then Sophie said like, if this works for you, right? That would be something that would really work for me. It's all like mind games. I need to lock this in again. So you start contracting and I go one, two, three. Calmly. Four, four, five, six. And I count to 60. Yeah. So in Sophie's head, she knows the first 20 is like gradually building. Then she's got 20 of like, it's intense, but just 20 seconds. Just 20 seconds at a time. And then it fades away. That's really youthful to her. Okay, can I ask a more intimate question? Always. Baby comes. How long is rest period? Until.

37:32Go and say it. Hanky-panky can begin. What do you want me to say? Say three months, years? Years, yes. Ten years. So there isn't a right or wrong. What we'd say typically is you want to stop bleeding, which can take like up to around six weeks. What? Yeah, six weeks. I've never been told that. World's longest period. After having not had one for nine months, you get that gift. Wow, that's intense. It does get less. So like first few days, like really heavy and then gradually tails off. But stop bleeding. If you've had any stitches or you've got any wounds, you want that to feel healed and comfortable.

38:08And then like when you're emotionally ready, and that's really variable. So I always say a minimum of six weeks, but the vast majority of women are like, do not come near me at six weeks. Like often it is much longer. That's what happens. Really variable. Listen, you have a little bag of goodies here. I've literally got a torso and a vagina in a suitcase that I've brought across London. I thought I was going to get stopped and locked up. So explain to me, you're going to show me what happens during birth. Yes, so I thought it'd be nice for you to have a little trial run. I can't wait. For you to see it.

38:43Yeah, I'm so excited to see what it's like. Me too. Because it's a bit nuts the first time you see like a head coming through a vagina. It's a lot to take in. So quite nice to see it on my plastic model before it's Sophie's turn. I used to do a lot of lambing when I was a kid. Okay. So I think I'm well equipped. Right. How did you feel about that, Sophie? Yeah, I lived on a farm. Well, I watched my Doberman give birth. All right. We have a birthing simulator in front of us. Let's give this a go. This is half a torso. And there's a vagina at the bottom end of the torso. and I'm going to give birth to this baby.

39:21Here we go. So we're at the stage now, Sophie, where we can see the top of your baby's head. Their head is just crowning. So this is where you might feel a bit of stretching or stinging. Okay. And at this stage, we want you just to breathe. This is absolute. Just breathe, honey. Just breathe. Imagine you're blowing out birthday candles. As you blow and the contractions come, baby's going to keep coming. That's it. Oh, my God. Advancing nicely. No ways. So we want baby to come nice and slowly, Sophie. remember it's twisting and turning that's it that's perfect oh my god I can't push this guys I'm deadly serious we might have to get Magda behind have a little rest Magda here we go we're going to get Magda behind okay now Jamie if you pop your left hand just on the top of baby's head that's it and as baby comes you're just going to support them with a bit of downward traction oh my god I don't think I can go Magda push this is Mendo it's like we're all having a bit it's a team effort I don't think it's going to get over the nose oh That's it.

40:16That's it. That must be a relief when the head comes out. You're like vagina. It's like back to normal. It's like back to normal. I'm going to keep going, pushing through. Okay, now slowly with the shoulders. The shoulders are sore. So Jamie, pop your hands on baby's head. One each side. I've got baby's head. I've got baby's head. One on top for me. One on top. That's it, nice and gentle. And you're going to pull very gently downwards. Downwards. Just downward traction to release your baby's shoulders. That's it. Release the shoulders, honey. Here we go. Beautiful baby's coming now, Sophie. Oh my God.

40:40If you look down. Oh my God. Any minute, baby's going to come up onto your tummy. Oh, it's out. Congratulations. Yay. Baby's out, everyone. You did it. The baby's out. And it only took minutes. That is the most wild experience. That is the most wild experience I've ever seen in my life. That is quite jarring in a way to see that up close. That was, but can I just say, thank you for that experience. Thank you for just being such an awesome person and helping so many people in this world and also bringing people into this world. Oh, thank you. Yeah, that's amazing. Top tip you can give to any nearly parents out there.

41:17Top tip would be explore all your options. So have your preferences, but anything that you're fearful of, please, please get support and unpick so that you can have a birth that really is positive and empowering because it's more than one day. Like it does change you forever. And it's so important that we start nailing positive births for families. I love that. I love that, Pip. Thank you so much for coming on Nearly Parents. Thank you so much, Pip. You're amazing. Oh, pleasure. Thanks for having me. I'm excited for you guys. Thanks. You're amazing. That was amazing. Well, that was a wild ride.

41:51I'm pretty exhausted after all that. My neck hurts. I've just seen a baby being given birth. I held the baby. There's a lot going on. And on that note... It's the end of the podcast. Before we go, we have a weird pregnancy tip of the week. Just a reminder, these weird and wonderful tips are from you lot and aren't based on any medical facts. So this is from Anonymous. Putting a bar of soap under your bed sheet can ease pregnancy cramps in the night. Have you tried any of these? Oh, yeah, I do. I lift my stomach up when I pee now and it really helps. Any more tips, anything like that, we want to hear from you guys.

42:25Well, if you want to know more about Pip, she's also written a book, Midwife Pip's Guide to a Positive Birth, Pip Davies. So you can go and get that. We'll leave a link in the description. Well, on that note, ladies and gentlemen, We want to say a big thank you Remember if you want to get in touch You can via our Instagram At nearlyparentspodcast Or you can send us an email Nearlyparents at jambropproductions.co.uk If you're getting married Good luck If you're getting engaged Good luck If you're pregnant and giving birth Don't watch any birthing videos And if you're getting divorced Go and have a wild ride And if you're single and ready to mingle Go and have fun because life is long and beautiful We love you guys so much.

43:06We'll see you next week. Bye. Goodbye.

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