Jamie vs. the LABOUR SIMULATOR ⚡🚨

0:00Well hello everybody, welcome to Nearly Parents. My name is Jamie and this is... My name is Sophie. And on the menu today, Sophie gets Theresa May and Alison Hammond mixed up. We ask very important questions like, should you bath newborns in mud? I try a labour simulator and I also describe Sophie's vagina. Get ready for all of that on Nearly Parents, so welcome on in.

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1:56Alright? As you bow your head over there, you little sass bot. I'm gonna give it to you straight. Why are you talking like that? I am tired. I wake up. Shut the fuck up. I have to wake up on the hour. Every hour. It's actually every 35 minutes, the last two nights. Because my wife is Russell. Russell. I do, my longest time that I've done, my biggest stint is I did 10 wheeze in one night. She does 10 wheeze in every single night. Can I just give you a little rundown of... But what's absolutely fascinating, and I will let everyone know this, you know what everyone's like, if you fall asleep before midnight, those hours are so great.

2:43Like, they're so much better than post-midnight, right? Who are you pointing to? so say i go to bed at 10 yeah right and i wake up at midnight for my wee i am like it's shortly 7 a.m that is how deep my sleep is post midnight i'm awake the whole night every 45 minutes and it's never deep i don't think i fall back to sleep yeah yeah and i don't care you sucker you try having a fucking numb hip with all my whole body goes numb every half an hour and then i need a wee and like i have savage heartburn and i feel actually quite sick in the night sometimes now i felt really sick last night from starvation i'm so hungry we went we went for um we went to this really fun comedy night but i don't know why i don't know why i was so starving didn't quite fill fill me up i felt like i just had like a couple a couple things yeah i just had a couple nibbles of like a bite of a burger and like some hassle but a scampion scampion fries Chris and I got to bed at like 11 and I was like shopping the whole night oh yeah it's tough over here for me I know are you doing this to piss the arm I know you are it's honestly like we were very tired on the weekend and I know we probably complain about being tired but there is like there's a lot going on at the moment which is great and I'm very appreciative of it but it's a little bit tiring and we got to the weekend and Sophie was like don't worry we're gonna go to bed really early we're gonna go to bed really early so i'm like great gonna go to bed early i'm thinking 9 30 maybe 10 o 'clock we'll get into bed fall asleep 7 15 a 7 15 p.m sophie goes right time for bed i'm like sorry what 7 15 i'm tired though i'm very tired so i'm like this feels a bit weird but all right i guess we'll go to bed now we get into bed we start watching a bit of program 8 p.m we're like well let's fall asleep now so we fall asleep at 8 p.m i wake up 10 30 p.m and i'm wide awake and i'm like well this is pointless because now i'm wide awake before the evening took me ages to fall back to sleep oh god i'm just awake the whole night i wake up at like two and i just stare at the ceiling till about 5 30 and every single night what happens this is i go and get sophie her lovely little she has her big stanley cup big stanley cup okay this is this is this i reckon this is every single night probably every single night i'm a doting husband i'll go and fill up her water put ice in it i'll close it up i'll put it on the side of her bed the handle facing out and so the lampshade from the light is not going to knock it off it's all fine all done every night the lampshade that knocks it off.

5:30Every night, I reckon around 2.30 in the morning, 3.30 in the morning, I hear I'm like, what the hell? Sorry, those noises don't come out of my mouth. No, that's not. That's the Stanley Cup falling off the shelf again because you've knocked it. Water gone everywhere. It's like, clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk. So I'm like, what's going on? Sophie goes, I don't know what happened. I'm like, you do know what happened. I'll tell you what happens. What happens? Because I'm a coaster moniker from France, I put it on this stupid, stupid raffia coaster which is all curled up at the sides and the stanley cup's too big for the coaster so it just catches the wrong can't see what i'm doing it's pitch black and it falls on the floor and then water goes everywhere and then it's awful and then we have to mop it up and so has to do this because she can't get out of bed she has to almost get momentum so she has to rock from side to side and then roll herself out on the bed.

6:27Because I'll just say it like to the pregnant ladies, isn't the feeling when you tense your stomach like it's abnormal. Like it's like, I don't know if it's coning or whatever the hell it is, but that to me, I can't be tensing my stomach. I feel so like uneasy. Like it makes me kind of gag a bit when I tense my stomach. What do you mean? Explain that. Like, you know, to sit up, you kind of use your abs, right? Yeah, you tense, yeah. Like when you do that pregnant, the shape your stomach goes into and like the feeling that happens is it like it's like chalk on a chalkboard teeth on a chalkboard nails on chalkboard i'm like teeth on the chalkboard is quite weird biting into a towel i know what you mean yeah biting into a peach also a little bit try and not make a face as i do this try not make a face you can't make it you have to keep It's like that.

7:14Imagine biting into a clippo. Like that with your... Banging. With your front teeth. Yeah, don't have sensitive teeth. Okay, imagine... Okay, don't make a face. Imagine sucking on a lemon. Do it all the time. You're weird. What's going on? Lemon's my literal, my biggest pregnancy craving, so it shows how much you listen to me. Anyway. Because I pour it on everything. Anyway, the other thing that happened in the middle of the night, as well as this, is this is why I think we're quite tired, is again, I woke up in the middle of the night to Sophie having a bit of a meltdown. She was having a meltdown and she was going...

7:47Not a meltdown. It was honey, it was a meltdown. Ah! Screaming. Honestly, like she'd been shot. I was like, what's going on? What's going on? And she went, there's cramp in my calf. So in the middle of the night, I'm holding her leg in the air, trying to bend her. She's going, bend my foot! Bend my foot! I've had cramp. I'm 30 years old. I've had cramp many a times in my life. This was no ordinary cramp. This was like someone wheedling their skinny little fingers in between each muscle fibre of my legs and contorting them and twisting them and tying them into a big knot. And it was absolutely, I thought that's it, amputate me, take it away.

8:26How bad was it? It was next level. The worst? I get it every night, but that time I moved it. But I couldn't move my leg, it was completely paralysed. I'm also going to have a nice little bone to pick with you Just because it's man down today You're not man down Why are you man down? Let's get you an aura ring And let's see how many times you wake up in the night You snore So that means you're in a deep, deep, deep, heavy sleep I would look at my aura ring And do you know what it'd say on it? What? Doting husband I don't know what it'd say It would say caring You're too caring and loving as a husband No it wouldn't You firstly breathe You snore So you interrupt my sleep even more my limited sleep that I have was interrupted by your stinking snoring and secondly I didn't sleep one whole night because we went to Lewis Caudi and you decided to eat cheesy fucking chips and the smell guys was like I literally got my nose into a walker's packet of cheese and onion crisps and it just was someone was smothering me with it all night long I was like please someone give me some air it was everywhere it was coming out of your paws does anyone remember the conversation Sophie and I had about tea and how Sophie thinks it's an ick that I drink tea.

9:38Well, looky, looky how the tables have turned because someone now drinks a lot of tea. And it's not icky in the slightest. Fuzzy, I don't care if you're going to come at me for being sexist. Women drinking tea is acceptable. Men who are obsessed with slurping, slurping on a tea is unacceptable and you slurp. I managed to drink the tea. I don't have an asbestos mouth and I can drink it silently. You, my friend, can drink boiling hot water. So why you have to go... Every time you drink a tea is... I don't understand it. And it's still licky when you drink it. Oh, my Lord. Okay. Well, listen, how are you feeling at the moment?

10:21That's the big question. How are you feeling, honey? I feel excited that it's winter. Yeah, we do. And it's autumn. And I feel really exhausted, Like absolutely shattered And really bitchy But really excited now I'm going to say All jokes aside Because we're having a little bit of joke At the top of the conversation I think you're on epic form I'm not even I'm putting it out there I'm actually going to be totally honest I think you're on epic form I think you're I feel like I am We're very unprepared Which is hovering I think that's why I'm not sleeping very well Because we're incredibly unprepared Honey we're so prepared What are we unprepared about?

11:02Well, firstly, you know absolutely nothing about labour, about, no, and don't come at me. Labour, anything. I don't think you'll, and can I tell you, I've been really thinking about this, right? I know everything about labour. The problem with Jamie is, Jamie loves reassurance. So, a random stranger at Sainsbury's, the woman behind Sainsbury's, if she was six years old, and she said. The woman behind Sainsbury's? The woman at the till at Sainsbury's. She's six years old, and she could see our baby, and she could go, You know how you've got to get them to bed. you just leave them on their own for nine hours and swaddle them you would go oh amazing is that what you do and then you take me home you go oh my god that's what we've got to do you take people's information as bible and that i'm fearful of because the other day hang on that's not fair because you take people's information as bible as well no i don't i trust my own instincts and i learn and i have knowledge thank you very much the other day um someone said to us that you have to Like which granted I agree with You have to you know let your child sort of like Be immersed in dirt and like get a bit dirty Because it's good for their immune system And like you shouldn't be so protective Over their immune system No one's fucking kissing my baby And I'm going to say this on this podcast If anyone comes and kisses my newborn baby I will punch you in the face Like please do not come near my baby And risk giving my baby germs And you are going to be like to me no but that woman said that we should give them a music and mother them a kiss, stranger.

12:32And it just gives me sleepless nights. I'm not going to be like that. I think you are. What I said was this. Someone said you've got to let them go and get done. So we'll just take them into the garden and put mud on them. Yeah, that's what he genuinely said. As a newborn. We'll just put the baby in with the mud and we don't wash it off. I was like, probably not at the newborn stage. That's what I thought. That's what I thought. I thought that's what you had to do. Well, that's what I mean. So I would really love it if you would just please read one book. Honey, I'm reading books. You've read the same fucking book for a year and a half.

13:12I finished that book in Ziggy Bay. Well, okay, let's explain this. What book is it first? The Housemaid, right? Frida Carlin or whatever she's called. We've read all of those books. I read them in my past Montesame. They're very good. They're very good. I'm reading the red cover one. And actually it's becoming a movie now with Sidney Sweeney and Amanda Seyfried. It's very good. It's very good. The storyline is this. They all know. Everyone's read the book. They're incredibly famous. Not everyone's read the book. Don't tell them the storyline. Yui, have you read the book? I actually haven't read the book.

13:39There you go. Oh my God, Yui, you'd love it. Anyway, it's a very, very good book. And it's called like The Housemaid or whatever it is. Anyway, the point is, is that I started reading that book on a week's holiday in ZQBA. I read it in like a day. I gave it to you. You have been reading it since then. I wasn't pregnant in Ziggy Ray and you are still reading it now with lots of chapters to go and he reads it guys he reads it every night every night he gets that book out and I think how is it physically possible I have now finished it thank you very much I finished it the other day it only took me six months but that is fine but what's amazing oh wait sorry are you making fun of my dyslexia is that what it is I'm just not a quick reader honey yeah you're slow as anything Anyway, I was going to go back to my thing.

14:26I think you're in an amazing form at the moment. I think you're handling everything amazing. I think you're doing amazing. I even think with the lack of sleep you're having, you're killing it. You're taking everything in your stride. I don't think you really are that stressed about everything. I sort of think you are, but you're not that stressed. I think you're doing amazing. I really do, generally, on my heart. And I think you're doing amazing because you bring me a tea and you're very, very sweet. I meant that seriously. is that is that was that you that was a compliment look at that guys so look at that teamwork we can be nice sometimes the more and more i do think about this i know we speak about this each time but the more and more i think do you want the one thing that i really am nervous about what us being having sex again because i generally think it's gonna be awkward that's what keeps me up at night oh my god me too i'm also really nervous like about what does my vagina go back to normal because imagine like you've you've really been you've really built this up in your head right and like you know you would quite probably like to have sex sooner right yes so when the time comes i'm just fearful that you know it's dilated to 10 centimeters have you not thought that through so when the baby comes out so my vagina stretches my friend who had a baby she has sex like three months later postpartum and she's like, okay, say I was like a 10 before, what's my vagina like now?

15:53Is it back to normal? He was like, yeah, it's like a 4 What? That is I think it goes back gradually What? That's horrendous Like a sort of elastic band that's been stretched Did you think that the next day that it just goes Yeah yeah i don't know listen i don't care i don't because i don't care i think that's why you have to do the kegels right have you been doing the kegels no you haven't been doing the kegels i tell you what else we haven't done is the pralineal massage yeah we don't do it till we're like right on the on the cusp i can't wait for that i i really i don't want to do that okay not i don't think there's anything sexy about me lying on my legs open and you shoving your thumb in a u-shape in my vagina and supposedly your vaginas look really different the closer you get to birth

16:57everything looks different supposedly when you know you've dilated to this like this purple line that goes up your bum your anal up your back so like if up your anal yeah like up your anal well there's a line that comes up your your your stomach it's called your anus not your anal your anal hole wait there's a lot what so so like so i can find my way to it yeah so instead of like the nurse having to like because you know how you can check you're dilated right i can check you can check i'm dilated yeah do you understand yes i i can see how dilated you are by my hands by shoving your hand up my cervix do you understand Yes.

17:39Would you know where my cervix is? Yes. Where's my cervix? In your vagina. At what part? At what part of it? Yeah. In it? I don't really know how that happens. I would be scared to go too far up to touch the baby. I know, me too. Well, that's what my friend was telling me. She's a midwife. And she was like, you could just check at home, like, how much dilated. I was like, you think me and Jamie are putting our hands in? We literally won't even, like, win. I don't do anything. No way. We're so careful. Yeah, I'm terrified of it all. Anyway, producer Yui has just told us that home checks for dilation aren't recommended.

18:11So I'd probably stare away from that. We were having a... Can we talk about the conversation we had the other day?

18:21With our beautiful friend, Emily Champion. She was asking you questions. I have no idea what you're saying. She said, she was talking about, this is where your baby brain came into, and she was talking about Theresa May.

18:43And so, sorry, who's Theresa May? No, no, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't.

18:53I didn't do that. I just got her mixed up with someone who's on ITV. Alison Hammond. I just For some reason Theresa May Alison Hammond Like they just Burned into it You thought Theresa May Was Alison Hammond Right Let me just say We were at Lewis Cavaldy And I couldn't hear shit I couldn't hear What she was saying I couldn't hear What she was saying It was very muffled There was I was listening to They couldn't be They couldn't look More different Well anyway You thought Theresa May Was Alison Hammond Two powerful women two very powerful women that is true one thing I want to talk about is laser laser quest laser quest to anyone who has got hair removal laser okay and to any laser companies out there yes why are you robbing us blind because the minute you get pregnant all those years of laser and all that pain and all that money you have put into laser to be hairless waste of fucking money wait what do you mean explain this to me the minute you get pregnant all your hair comes back every single hair every single follicle pops straight through just so I know don't even go there because I was fully lasered I'm just yes I was I just want to be totally honest with this just for a second because from my memory I was 99 % lasered in that region it was 1 % unlasered that was just still a working progress you were lasered So I'm going to just be quite graphic here.

20:30Your vagina here. So if I was to look at your vagina, then... This is all going to get cut out. Because you're not going to spell out what my fucking vagina looked like to a million listeners. Graphically as you're about to do it. But that was there. And then there was a hidden magic carpet underneath. That's getting cut out, yeah. That was a real surprise. No, that fucking wasn't. Firstly, I was very hairless. secondly that it was and then when i found it you went gooey no i didn't that is disgusting right listen i was 90 i was 99 you could fucking do getting a bit lazy ginger pew boy i was 99 lasered and 100 lasered under the armpits 100 lasered under on the legs and let me tell you Now, there's not 1 % lasered anymore.

21:22So I've got to go back. It's a lot of money. It's a lot of time. And it's a lot of pain getting lasered. Okay. No, I guess. Is that not the most mental thing you've ever heard of? Yeah, I'm so sorry. That is a lot to do. Honey, I don't mind. You can be anywhere you want. I don't care what you think. I'm worried about the money I've lost. And the pain and the hours spent in a fucking laser clinic. That was a waste of time. So go on. Tell the laser clinics down the camera. No, I'm going to tell all you girls. Anyone getting lasered. Wait, you look down the camera and tell them. Okay, anyone who's getting lasered and you want to get pregnant, just stop.

21:52Just do it post-babies. All of your babies, just stop. Please. Just get the razor. It's three pounds and just sort it out that way. Touché. Okay. By the way, it is Freshers' Week at the moment. Best week of my life. Freshers' Week, Freshers' Week, Freshers' Week, Freshers' Week. Wasn't there like a theme every night in Freshers' Week? I didn't really go with the themes, but I vaguely remember there being a theme. Like people dressed up. or was that more initiation vibes I think that was maybe a part of initiation plus Freshers week it was like the funnest week ever it was a week of just going out and just meeting as many people as you can getting so drunk and just it's fun do you think if we met at Freshers we'd we'd we'd kick it off I honestly have no idea what you would have been that younger I just can't same exactly the same now I don't there's no pictures of you at university yeah there are no not one loads look at my Facebook I don't have Facebook we didn't have Instagram Instagram.

22:50Why would it go on your Facebook? Because you look at photos. Was that when you were like a little bit stocky and very, very like, very ginger, long hair, stocky? No, that was before. No, I was blonde and slim. And you had a girlfriend. I had a girlfriend for a year. You had a boyfriend at the beginning. For a week. Sophie had a boyfriend at the beginning of university and she used to run away from him. I joined the uni because he was my boyfriend. And then he would try and meet her on nights out and she would run away from this boyfriend. this poor sweet boy. Yeah, because I met all the other boys in Freshers.

23:21I was like, wow. There's so many boys here. How exciting was that? It's so exciting. Oh my God. Freshers is just the best. To all of you Freshers out there, have the most insanely fun time. Be safe, but go freaking wild, baby. Go wild. On that note, it's time for Dictionary, Dictionary, Dictionary Corner. Pregnancy edition. Okay. Are you ready? Lassie pops. I have some words for you that are pregnancy and birth related and I want you, Jamie, to tell me what they mean. You tell me, Sophie. Stretch and sweep. Oh my goodness. Stretch and sweep. The only thing I can think about, so it's where you stretch open the vagina and you sweep through it.

24:02Not bad. An internal procedure where a midwife or doctor inserts a gloved finger through the cervix to separate the amniotic membranes from the uterine wall to encourage labour. So it's called, it's when people like going in for a sweep. I can't fucking wait for that day. Where a doctor puts his finger in your vagina and sweeps it. I think it's women. That's when the mucus plug can fall out. Anyway, number two. Oh, milk blister. Milk blister? Yeah, a tiny block nipple pore that traps milk behind it. Absolutely fucking not. Tell me this. Oh my god. That to me is illegal. A tiny block nipple pore that traps milk behind it.

24:42It's also sometimes called a bleb, which makes it sound much cuter than it is. Oh, look, my bleb hurts. I can milk my nipples. We should be milking my nipples now. Do you think we can milk them? Yeah, we're meant to be. We're right in the stage of milking nipples. Let's do it on the podcast. You think we can milk your nipples now? Yes, we supposedly should be able to milk my nipples now. I can't wait to try that. I hope I don't get a bleb. Honey, listen, if you get a bleb, I'll still love you, so don't worry about it. Is that the end of Dictionary Corner? That's the end of Dictionary, Dictionary, Dictionary Corner.

25:17Right, ladies and gentlemen, it's now time for Listener's Messages.

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27:12Okay, well, firstly, I want to say thank you, every single one of you. We are grateful. We're very grateful. And this one's from Anonymous. Okay, go for it. Oh, wow, lost my breath. Hi, guys. I've been flirting back and forth with my brother's best friend for a while. Even though I know he's a total manhole, but it's the charm that's attractive. Love it. Anyway last night I ended up going back to his after being out And after a couple of drinks one thing led to another All he could offer me was a semi Oh my god Straight in there it's full on Right right right This is actually the fucking worst No All he could offer me was a semi And insist that if I sucked it it would get hard Oh Sophie I couldn't think of this Well it was Well it was like sucking a flump What's a flump You know those marshmallows sticks actually vile we eventually made some progress with it but just as it was fully erect he ripped off his t-shirt and in his broad Scottish accent went ah you've got it you've got it well that's Irish do it do it in Irish Scottish ah you've got it ah yeah in there ah you've got it you've got it yeah in there I couldn't stop laughing and felt so mean so I thought right I'll turn around so we can have sex doggy style and hope that he doesn't sound like that again This is so full on.

28:31I hope that he doesn't sound like that again. It was actually good until he asked me if I was crying, but it was just my sex noises. This whole thing is... This whole thing. Yui, what kind of messages are you... I love this. I was mortified. We laughed and we just didn't continue after that. Couldn't look each other in the eye and I just laughed and went home. The worst part is, of course, that it's my brother's best friend and any time I have to see him, I will have flashbacks of the flump and the whole awkwardness. How do I erase my memory? Please advise. And does this affect my body count in any way because I'm definitely not counting it.

29:01We don't count that one for sure. What do you mean you don't count that one? You don't count that flumpy dick inside you. No. You don't count it? No, we don't count it. So wait, what have you not counted in that? A flump. I'm not counting. When did you come in contact with a flump? I haven't, but had I come in contact with a flump, I would scrap that and erase that from my memory forever. I'm sorry, that is horrific. And the fact he went, are you crying? is I would have in that moment just said swallow me ground, please. Okay, I've got one for you. Ready? You big old flumper over there. Flumpy dick.

29:38Flumpy. Okay, here's a wild story. From Anonymous. My sister and I were on the last day of a Barcelona getaway. The day before, my stomach had been a bit off. But I thought I was in the clear. We checked out of our hotel, gone shopping, grabbed a coffee and I even used a cafe toilet with no issue. Fast forward 10 minutes, we were leaving a jewellery shop and I felt a little fart coming on and thought, why not? Big mistake. Huge. What I thought was a fart turned out to be a fully blown chart. So explosive, it splattered on the floor. Oh my God. My God, these people. How does it happen? What is wrong with these people?

30:15I froze, completely mortified. My sister, confused at first. Clock, what had happened, whispered, get out. But I had already made contact with the security guard. we bolted poo literally running down my leg with no hotel room to run back to I did a panic clean up in the restaurant toilet then begged our old hotel receptionist to let us use the bathroom mercifully it had a shower but no towel so what I had to do was hose myself down grabbed the communal hand towel and made it my personal drying station then I got dressed grabbed my sister and fled the scene before anyone could stop me safe to say I'll never fart again and I've definitely left my mark in Barcelona my word do you remember when our friend And Gem shot herself at Notting Hill Carnival.

30:57And she said she was running through the carnival trying to find someone who was just flicking up her legs. She was freaking out so bad. She ran with her boyfriend. They had to hide in the garden to sort it out. And she turned to her left and her boyfriend had poo on his leg that was hers. I've got a love story. Okay, go on, give it to me. From Liv. Years ago, my mum and dad were good friends with my now boyfriend's parents. It all started because his dad was lodging at my mum's flat. and then over time the couples became friends. We all grew up together spending Christmas Eves, birthdays and family parties together.

31:31In 2012 everything changed. I lost my mum to a rare brain tumour just a week before my 16th birthday. Over time we drifted apart from family friends. Fast forward to 2022 I was on a dating app when I got a like on one of my pictures. I went on to the profile for a nosy and was stopped in my tracks as I instantly recognised the face. This was one of the boys I'd grown up with. He arranged to meet up just casually, more like a catch-up rather than a date but when I saw him in person, let's just say I was very pleasantly surprised. We clicked straight away. We already had the same kind of morals and values and now here we are, still together three and a half years later.

32:10He's honestly my best friend. But the part that trumps all is that I once said to a friend when I was casually dating before, I'm gutted whoever I end up my mum will have never met but now I found someone who did it honestly feels like we were meant to come back to each other at some point and I know my mum would be very happy oh my god goosebumps that's so cute I love that me too that is such a love story and so heartwarming touch the finger I have one which I think is also a love story hi Jamie and Sophie I just had to write to say how much my husband and I love your podcast before we got married a year ago we were in the middle of wedding planning and your wedding episodes were the go-to.

32:48They got us through all the chaos and stress. Fast forward a year and our focus has been completely shifted. Instead of choosing table decor we've been on a very different journey trying to have a baby with every negative test. We held on to hope until it all became too much and we decided to get some professional help. What I didn't expect was how much my husband would struggle too. We've learned that in our case it's male fertility and it was really surprising to us to find out that the male factors are involved in about half of infertility cases. It's so common, yet hardly anyone ever talks about it.

33:23My husband has been amazing, trying to be strong for me every step of the way, but I know inside he's hurting too. You're probably hoping the story will end with, we're pregnant, but that's not quite the case yet. Still, we haven't lost hope. That's why I wanted to share this, not to tell you our story, but to shout out to my husband and all the other men going through infertility. You are incredible. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to struggle. And it's so important to talk about it. Don't keep it all inside. You deserve support just as much as anyone. After many tests, we're finally getting closer to the answers and IVF might be our next step.

34:00Unless a real miracle happens. Through it all, your podcast has brought us moments of joy and laughter and what can feel like a really heavy journey. And for that, we are so grateful. wishing you all the best you'll be amazing amazing parents and hopefully one day we can write in to say we're nearly parents too guys that's amazing that is amazing and I'm rooting for you guys and that is such a nice message and it's so important to all the guys out there too and remember get in touch with us we'd love to hear from you at nearly parents podcast you can send us a DM or you can send us an email nearlyparents at jamppodproductions.co.uk and don't forget to send in your unsung heroes your unsung heroes we want to hear from you all of those send them in That's the end of listeners' messages.

34:46So I didn't realise this was happening to everyone who is now listening to the podcast, but all of you are watching on YouTube. I have been strapped up to a labour simulator. It simulates what it's like during pregnancy. And we're apparently going to play a game. Thanks, Yui. What are we doing? It's called Contraction Reaction. Welcome to Contraction Reaction. That's sick. The only quiz show where every wrong answer makes Jamie scream like a newborn baby. Here's how it works. I'll ask you a series of questions all about babies and birth. For every question you get wrong, you'll be rewarded with a simulated contraction.

35:21And just to make things extra fun, each wrong answer means we crank the intensity up a little bit higher. Number one. How many weeks is a full-time pregnancy? 40. Right. What is the most common birth month in the UK? November. What is it? September. Oh my God. We're up to level two now because we started on level one. What colour are a newborn's vast poo? Black. Correct. True or false? Babies cry with an accent. False. True. What the hell? They pick up speech patterns from the room. So have you pressed it up again? No, I didn't. You've got to stop screaming because I really don't like my baby tail, all that screaming.

36:13Our baby. Well, then reign it in. Which grows faster in the first year, a baby's brain, their feet, or their fingernails? Got to be fingernails. Brain. Brain. We're now on four. It's obvious. I just, ah. Shh. What's the average number of hours a newborn sleeps per day? 16 hours. 14 to 17. Yeah, I'm in it. I'm in it. Thank God. Please no more. I can't. What level are we on? We're only on four. Oh, my God. How do you check if a baby's milk is the right temperature? Put it on your arm. No. Put a few drops on the inside of your wrist. It's exactly... The arm is... I know, but we... So, don't put it on...

36:52Incorrect. Incorrect. We're going up. We're now on six. Sophie, I don't think I can go any further. This is mental. Sophie, this is... I don't think this is... Breathe through it. One step in front of the other, just like you told all those people on that ultramarathon. Oh, my God. What percentage of a couple say that they've had sex in the baby's nursery? What percentage? Yeah. That's a complete and wild guess. There's no logic to that. 25%. 10 to 15. Ah, Sophie, Sophie, Sophie, Sophie, Sophie. It's like gunshot. I can't do it anymore. Sophie, I can't do it anymore. Leave it. We'll leave it. Last question.

37:26Sophie, Sophie, listen to me. No, come on. One more, one more, one more. True or false? Sophie, just listen to me because you're going to rip my stomach. True or false? Babies are born without kneecap. Sophie, just hold on. so you can't come anymore. I haven't. True or false? Babies are born without kneecaps. False. True, true, true, true, true. No, you said false first. I said, no, you said, ah, Sophie, Sophie. We're on one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Two more. Go up to ten. I can't, Sophie. Do it to yourself. I can't. Ah, Sophie, Sophie. Ah, Sophie, Sophie, Sophie. Sophie. Oh, my God, mate.

38:00Are you joking? Oh, my God. Are you joking? That's not funny. You've been panicked for a minute. Are you joking? Are you joking? That's dangerous. That's dangerous. That's abuse. That is abuse. What's abuse is all of you putting me through that. Now I know what I've got in store for me. That can't be real. What level did you get to 10? I went up 10 right at the end for one second. Don't even think I did. I think I'll die. Are you serious? Like, what's it feel like? I'm exhausted. you joking exhausted what how bad was it yeah dude it was bad dude like that was bad when it got to 10 that was like really pretty intense I think it's probably bearable

38:57weird pregnancy tip of the week just a reminder I feel really sick I'm honestly that is like exhausting No wonder you're exhausted after it. Listen, just a reminder, these weird and wonderful tips are from you lot and aren't based on any medical facts. So this is from Anonymous. Eating guinea pig meat during pregnancy will make the baby's hair grow. What? Guinea pig meat. I ate that once. Well, brilliant. I think that's not true. Well, listen, everybody. After that, I'm absolutely cream cracker. I have full blown respect for you even more than I did before Sophie because your journey is going to be a fun one guys thank you so much for listening we love you so much we'll be back next week you can get in touch via our Instagram at nearlyparentspodcast or you can send us an email nearlyparents at jamperproductions.co.uk and if you haven't subscribed to our show already please do it does us absolute wonders if you're getting married good luck if you're getting engaged good luck if you're getting pregnant oh go for it if you're getting divorced post.

40:00Make sure you have a good lawyer. And if you're single and it's fresh as week, go up and have some fun. Wink. We'll see you next week. Goodbye. Bye.

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