Jamie's REVOLTING habits EXPOSED

0:01Cha-ching. That's the sound of Lowe's Labor Day Savings. Get up to 45 % off select major appliances and save up to an additional$100 on select laundry pairs. Plus, get three bags of Miracle-Gro.75 cubic foot garden soil for just$10. Labor Day deals are on now at Lowe's. In-store and online. Valid through 9-9, while supplies last. Selection varies by location. See Lowe's.com for more details. Soil offer excludes Alaska and Hawaii. Hey guys, it's Mary from Two Judgy Girls. This episode is sponsored by Aerie. If you're counting down the minutes until you take your bra off when you get home, it's probably the wrong bra.

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1:52Hello, everyone. Welcome back to Newly Parents. It's, it's, it's. We gotta give a little update. We gotta give a little update on our little baby. His name is Ziggy. Z-I-G-G-Y. Z-I-G-G-Y. Okay, you're really freaking me out. I'm going to be real. Listen. What's the update? His tooth. Guys, our baby's teeth are coming through. One tooth, a little tooth. A little tooth. And he's really upset by it. He's toothing away. And it's so cute. And it's like biting. And it's like this tiny little tooth that just touches my finger. and now he bites my face and it's so cute. I'm going to complain about him for a second.

2:31I'm going to complain about our 8th month year old and give me the space to do it. And I want to hear your response truthfully, honestly and fairly. Okay, the floor's yours. When he sees his mum, there's a lot of emotion going on. He reaches out to her, he hugs her, he wants to smother her, he snogs... Smother her? He snogs you with kisses, he grabs you, it's like this.

2:56It's wonderful to see. It's beautiful to see. Does he really? Yes, he does. And I know you wanted that. So you've got that. Well done. Okay. Like how much does he love me? He does it. He does it a lot. Secondly, what he does is he does this. Mama, mama, mama. Okay. Why do you have to do everything? All your impressions of him are not cute. That's exactly what he does. He says mama, mama. Mama. It's really. In that really deep voice. What I found out is it's really hard for kids to say mama. It's much easier to say dada. I know. Dada hasn't even come out of his lips yet. Not once. He said da-da-da-ba-ba-ba once.

3:29I didn't hear it and I wasn't there. I don't believe you. Okay? That's the second thing that's happened. The third thing that happened is the amount of nights I have spent rocking him, I have spent running up to that room, spent feeding him, picking up his cucumber that he throws on the floor, everything. I get sweet fuckle from him at the moment. You get everything. he loves his mama and I think in the day you whisper in his ear don't like daddy don't go near daddy he's a horrid horrid person smelly daddy daddy smells and I think you've you've said to him something no I haven't because even in the morning I can hear you going oh daddy's breath is smelly and I think he hears it no I don't say that don't be ridiculous it's just the natural way it's whoever's with him the most but he loves you so much he finds you so funny everything you do he's like ha ha ha i could be like and he's like at me and like he just doesn't he's a he's a tough he's a tough nut to crack but he finds you fucking funny so there you go he laughs at everything you do and he just loves me so much i can't tell you what like it's very fortunate you be a mom it's just the most amazing thing right because it's uh you're like his biggest cheerleader and everything like you you are his biggest supporter and everything and it's so funny to the point where sophie sends me a video she goes to the mirror and gets a video and goes look what ziggy's doing he's waving he's waving i've sent it to every single person we know i'm just not sure if he's waving or he's just putting his hand in the air and moving it around oh no you're poor you this is why he doesn't connect with you every time I say hi this is for you it's gonna be a long road for you every time I see my son I go hi hi and he now when I say hi he goes yes are you okay you know that's like a proper thing that babies do like Bella my niece's first what what like what's something should when my sister said hi she started going but she did it like that.

5:36Ziggy does it like that. I actually can't believe you genuinely don't think that's unbelievable. Everyone I know is like, he's a genius. No, I do. Dad? Dad's like, no, he's not even doing it. Maybe I do. I think he's a complete genius. I'm actually genuinely, I'm up to you. I feel sorry for you. Honestly, it's the most adorable thing. But I cannot wait for the time when he does say dada. Well, all that, should we begin this banger of an episode? Let's begin. Because it's Monday, motherfuckers. Start those engines. Rev them up, honey. Start that motorbike. Go on. Start that rocket. And let off some steam.

6:17And let's begin the episode. Hello, I'm Jamie Lang. And I'm Sophie Lang. And now, we're newly parents. Oh, yeah, we are, baby. Do you know what I miss? Can I tell you what just happened to my brain? because sometimes I do think my brain's incredible you went do you know what I miss and in flashes this cereal that I miss clearly in my subconscious and I didn't know and it's like they were Cheerios but not as sweet they were more like malty and fuck I miss them and as you said do you know what I miss that cereal they popped into my mind do you know what I miss I miss when I was younger we used to have a milkman deliver milk in a glass bottle never had it you never had that with the foil on the top and then sometimes he would bring like a little orange juice and you'd be like, where the fuck did that come from?

7:05Freshly squeezed. He used to come in his milk car and a milk float. Deliver it right to your door. What's a milk float? A milk float. You know what a milk float is? It's a car that carries milk. So a milk car. A milk car. A milk float. Guys, Jamie's got this like really weird thing where he keeps like taking, doing impressions of me like to make me sound because he's so posh and everything I say he's like, car, I'm like, are you okay? And you'll be like, are you okay? And I'm sick of it. I miss a milkman coming to my front door with a glass bottle and putting it out there. That was just the best.

7:41Yeah, I don't really miss a milkman. I never had a milkman. What I do miss is an ice cream van. But they were very scary. Do you remember like hearing them? Honey, ice cream vans still exist. They're still everywhere. You go to a park, there's an ice cream van. Yeah, but an ice cream van isn't cruising around the streets. An ice cream van is stationary. It's stuck there. It doesn't leave. The wheels are down. That's what an ice cream van is now. Back in the day, they used to drive around. No, ice cream vans still happen. They drive around and deliver ice cream. With that creepy little music. Yeah, that's what still happens.

8:11I never hear that music. We live in a really shit area, clearly. We don't get milk. We don't get ice cream. We don't get anything. I really want to understand, though, if milk floats still exist. If a milkman... Is there such a thing? Is a milkman still? Magda literally just told you that she does. Yeah, it's true. It's true. I've been seeing the milkman. You have? Me and the milkman are having a sordid oat milky affair. No, but do you actually see a milkman? Well, so, okay, here's the situation. This is what I was saying to Jamie just before the podcast. He comes in the night. He comes at night.

8:40He delivers little oat milk in glass bottles. It's so bougie. But we literally never see him. It's like the BFG. But hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. Let me just work this out. But you have to subscribe to this milk, I imagine. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, we opted into this. It's not just happening without my consent. It's not just a milkman. What I don't understand is milkmen back in the day, who paid for them? Like, milk just arrived on our doorstep. Are we paying the milkmen? Are we paying? Who are we paying? It's the same like with the eggmen. What? Do you not remember when you drive down the road and there would be like a little egg, a chicken hatch, and it would say...

9:17An honesty box. And it would just say, take your eggs. And I'd just grab some eggs. Mum would pull over, we'd chuck in a couple, fiver, and we'd just take all the eggs. As many as you wanted. Within reason, that was not... It was called an... You were one of those people. It was called an honesty box. And what you would typically do is you would take just the amount that you would need... Well, we were a family of four, so we didn't take loads, but we took enough. Did you take... You took all the eggs. I used to take the white ones right at the back and they had like little feathers stuck to them.

9:45That is adorable. If you had an honesty box, right, and it was at the end of our road and you said you can put money in our honesty box... What's in my honesty box? What is in your honesty box? Lemonade, freshly squeezed. pour it into a cup and be on your way. Nice. So you're just going to wake up in the morning, just make some lemonade, put it on the edge of our drive. People are going to drive past and you're going to give it to them. Absolutely. Mine's going to be shepherd's pie. Disgusting. Not disgusting. Flies on it, rats on it, foxes eating it. No, it's not at all. Meat, congealed fat from all the beef or the lamb.

10:15It's going to be lovely. I'm going to put, that's what I'm going to have, shepherd's pie as an honesty box. And people can just drive down the street and they're going to get out of their car and they're going to go and get a little slice of my shepherd's pie. Can I just talk about the shepherd's pie thing? I really think it's essential that we discuss like your eating habits around because we've got children now. Like we don't want to just I'm happy to make shepherd's pie. I think shepherd's pie is lovely. OK, but I'm not going to just live off mince with our children. And then the second thing is, if I make your shepherd's pie, there has to be a deal because I put out with it for six years and I'm repulsed by it.

10:47get the fucking ketchup away and do not go over it like it's a banana sundae with ketchup over my cottage pie. Like I watch you do it and I just go just don't even comment. Don't even comment. But if you start doing that in front of our son he's going to grow up doing that too. And he's never going to get a girlfriend. Were you joking? Yes he will. It's ick. I imagine everyone watching this right now everyone who's listening to this right now comment let us know when you get your food maybe it's bolognese Maybe it's shepherd's pie He puts so much ketchup on bolognese On the spaghetti It's absolutely ick Who squeezes the ketchup onto the side?

11:26No one puts it with bolognese Yeah they do Can I tell you what happened on our Saturday night by the way guys Sophie and I have got a new little routine going on Because when you become parents What happens is that you become ships in the night That's what you do You end up coming home from work Sophie and I are working We're exhausted So then we end up like, Soph will be watching Love Island. I will be making... Love Island finishes a month ago. You've got to get a new TV show for me. I know, but I'm just... That's what happens as parents. You become ships in the night. So we have a new routine.

11:57Once a month, we're going to go on date night. We're going to be doing that. And then also we're going to have dinners every night. And also when we get into bed, we have a little bit of conversation. That's what we do. Do we? Yeah. I'm quite asleep by the time you go in bed. No, you do this. I'm like, sleep mask on, fan on. And then lastly what Soph said is that we need to now schedule sex in once a week. I think that's what people do. We have to schedule it in. I'm gonna be real. Which excites me. Like trust me, I'm freaking over the moon. I know Sunday, it's a coming. Yeah and I'm thrilled too.

12:35Don't worry, that wave and orgasm will come over you.

12:43I can't believe we got to the point where we're scheduling it in I think loads of people do that like more like more of my friends than I know like they it's an unsaid rule like a lot of them it's like Sunday afternoon they're having sex yes because they're probably like listening to Barry White no they're not they're not they're like it's time like we've got to do this to keep our marriage alive I really think it's a thing particularly when you have kids oh my god can i tell you what happened on last sunday night when sophie like i thought this was the first night that we're gonna have scheduled you know and but we didn't so i was naked and i do this thing sometimes with sophie where i i was totally butt naked and i and i like oh my god this is i'm icked out of this whole podcast i'm gonna put it out there this whole one is really throwing me right off i was a little bit naked and i'm gonna be very honest and I was just flirting with you.

13:36And I, like, stepped over Soph. Stepped over me? No, you didn't. No, guys, this is so wrong. I actually can't physically bear it. I need to say that. I physically can't. Like, I'm heaving in my mouth. I sort of, like, rolled over. And Soph went, what's that? And I went, what? This is how in love we are. She's like, there's something. In love? It's just how close we are. Like, we're together, honey. That proves me we are together forever, baby. Because I just can't. She went, what's that? I went, what's what? There's something in your ass. I thought he had worms. I thought he had a parasite coming out of his bum hole.

14:21So she made me get on all fours. And she got a flashlight and took a photo. Should we upload the photo? She took a photo of my arsehole. And you know, when you take it, then you get to look at me. We got a laugh.

14:44Just shit. No, it wasn't shit. No, it wasn't shit everywhere. Why do you like make it? Well, you have like no shame. Like it really wasn't. It's nothing I've ever seen before. It was like shit was in your hairs. Like the hair. so his hair's a blonde right out of his arsehole and so I've never seen these hairs before right because they're white blonde he's not a ginger at all he's a true blonde and they were covered in a layer of like shit so they look like wriggly worms coming out of his bum and I was like what is that oh my god you've got like loads of worms coming out of your bum hole and then I took the photo and I was like threw the phone across the road and that is why I will never go near your arse off.

15:36It's just vile. The fact you just allowed that to go out into the public that bewilders me. Like there's something not right in your brain. Because I forget we're recording a podcast and I just find it so funny to talk about things like that. I really do. But I do think, what I do love is that we're going to be scheduling these date nights. I think it's such a great idea and to couples out there, what a fun idea and basically what we're going to do is this is one month Sophie picks it another month I pick it and we're doing alternately and we get to go to our favourite places to have dinner to spend time together I cannot wait to do that I can't bloody wait I just can't wait because you know what you're my best friend you are my best friend in the world okay I love you too I can't wait for a date that way do you know what I've decided by the way when Ziggy hits the age of five I'm deleting all of our history from the internet.

16:31I'm deleting all of our podcasts. I'm deleting all of our YouTube channels. I'm deleting all of our TikToks. I'm deleting everything. Because I've just realized, talking about my butthole, we have a son. We have a son. Oh my God, he's going to be so ashamed and embarrassed of us. No, he's not, because I'm going to delete it all. So guys, listen up now, because it's not going to be around for long. Yeah, it's not going to be around for too much longer. only another five more years. I reckon four more years and then we've got to just vanish off the face of the earth. I'm going to go and find some nerd who's really good at AI and just get him to wipe everything.

17:07Nerd? I think cool. Nerd, cool, whatever you want to call it. I'm going to go and build like a little house in the country and go and live there and have a swear jar to stop swearing. Yeah, you do swear a lot. I only swear on the podcast it's like you guys just bring it out of me. Because you think it's cool. I just can't. My tongue's just like fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Yeah you just think it's cool. You never swear. Jamie. I don't like swearing. Jamie doesn't swear. I don't like swearing. I swear sometimes but I don't. I've never had you swear in my life. You have. I really swear to you like maybe three times.

17:38I don't. I genuinely don't like it. I remember when I was a kid and I remember I must have been about seven years old and at school I heard someone say the F word. They actually said why don't you go and F a hamster? That's what they said. One of these older ones. And I thought, that's cool. They said that. And I remember coming back on holidays. It was holidays. And we were playing a game called the Game of Life. Do you ever play that game? No. Oh, my God. It was the best game ever. It was basically a game of life. And I was playing with my mum and my brother. And then I spun this little thing that you could spin.

18:15It was like a roulette spin to move your piece. And it landed on the wrong thing. And I went, ah, F a hamster. I went, ah, fuck a hamster. and my mum went sorry? and the shock on her face fuck a hamster because I went oh fuck a hamster because I'd heard it it's like we're not here to fuck spiders I don't know what that is it's an Australian saying get to bed it's an Australian saying okay but I said this and my mum's look on her face was so like appalled that I said it that it's never left me so I still such a mummy's boy it's not a mummy's boy it's actually being polite So I don't actually, I think you can articulate better than just swearing.

18:56I couldn't agree more, but sometimes it's just that it really is fun. It's fun. Sometimes you've just got to live life on the edge and be fun. Honey, I'm fun. Don't worry about that. Just loosen up the reins and just let the free-flowing mouth just move. Listen, I've got oodles and udon and noodles and foodles of fun coming out of me. Most people call me Mr. Fun. Question, because I think this is important because we're couples, we're being very open today. apart from what I just spoke about anything else that I've icked you out this week about? Multiple things Okay Multiple things What else? This morning when I was cleaning up I found a empty glass on our ottoman and in that glass ottoman in that glass was five toenails neatly placed like you were collecting teeth toenails you picked your toenails at night and threw them in a glass vile Did I really do that?

19:50Yes, you did. And sometimes you leave them on the carpet or on the floor and I'm like, ow, what's that thing in my foot? And I think it's like a spiky stone and it's your vile, hideous long toenails. And you don't think that's our baby Ziggy? I know it's not my baby Ziggy. Firstly, his toenails are so small and I don't think they've grown since the day he was born. I've never had to clip his toenails. They're just staying exactly where they are. They're growing at the same speed as his toes. Eight months, toenails have never been clipped. Nails have been clipped 800 times. Toenails, nothing. Nothing at all.

20:20Nothing. Nothing at all. Nothing at all, Elwood. That's absolute. Yeah, you're vile. What about me? Nothing. There's nothing icky about me. Yeah, there is. What then? But it's also not icky. It's just hilarious. What? Well, a red flag for me is that you keep using my razor in the shower. Yeah, and what? I just think this is a massive red flag. I've got to put it out there. Like, when you use my shaver. Can I just say we both have the same shaver, so who's to say it's not my shaver? We don't have the same shaver. Mine has a white handle. Yeah, but the lid's the same. The razor, you mean? The lid?

20:57The razor. Yes, but that's like saying our toothbrushes are the same. I know, but you could just use mine. Like, we've got loads of spare lids. Honey, when... It's the Gillet razor. Gillette razor. Gillette. Gillette razor. It's us. Tupin de Français? There's five of them in a thing. Like, just whip it off and get a new one, mate. Mate, listen to me. No, a man's razor is a sacred thing, because if you use my razor, what happens if I get a beard rash? Well, you should just grow a beard. You can't, because it's ginger. And you don't want your true colours to show. So, anyway, that is a massive red flag.

21:34Speaking of red flags, I want you to say one thing. I don't understand how someone can have the time, the mental strength the psychopathic traits to have a family and then decide to have another family down the road that to me is wild I met someone right who's had a dad they were having a lovely time they had a family they found out 10 years later that he had another family another wife another group of kids and they lived at the other end of the road no that's not true It is true. But that's also just... How do you have the time? There's just no way that's not true. Like, how would they not see him walking with wife one on a Saturday and be like, why is daddy with that wife and that family?

22:24But they don't see that. No, obviously that doesn't happen. I know, but why wouldn't you if you live on the same street you're going to? They had it for 10 years. The anxiety, I like, I don't have time to do anything, let alone have another family. Thus protests must, or whatever that saying is. Dust protests too much. Dust protests too much over there. You think I have another family? No, but why are you bringing it out? Because it's fucking unbelievable. It's fucking unhinged, I agree. People just have a lot of time on their hands and people are sneaky. People are really, really sneaky. It actually would be the biggest shock.

22:58Out of everything in our relationship, the biggest shock would be if you said, turn to me one day and say, I have another family. That would just be wild. It would be fucking wild, but people do that. I don't know what more you want me to tell you. All right, well, listen. Can I also just say, I think every man feels the same way. Not me, obviously. But whenever your partner says, can I borrow your phone? You go, yeah, sure. And then you sit there and you're like, what has my friend sent me? What is on a group chat? You are so sketchy when I have your phone. You're like, your hand's hovering to get it back the whole time.

23:29And I'm like, fucking chill out. Like, it's unhinged behavior. You're literally like this, like that. I'm like, what? Are you okay? I'm really not. That's giving red flag waving around the room. I'm going to tell you this, honey. We've been married for, what, coming up four years. We've been in a relationship for nearly seven years. I love you. I don't have a family that lives down the road. The only family that I want to be with and love is you. You're my best friend. You're my best friend. You're my best friend, girl. Ladies and gentlemen, on that note, it's time for Listener's Messages.

24:10Cha-ching! That's the sound of Lowe's Labor Day Savings. Get up to 45 % off select major appliances and save up to an additional$100 on select laundry pairs. Plus, get three bags of Miracle-Gro.75 cubic foot garden soil for just$10. Labor Day deals are on now at Lowe's. In-store and online. Valid through 9-9. While supplies last. Selection varies by location. See Lowe's.com for more details. The soil offer excludes Alaska and Hawaii. Hey guys, it's Mary from Two Judgy Girls. This episode is sponsored by Aerie. If you're counting down the minutes until you take your bra off when you get home, it's probably the wrong bra.

24:49Or if the straps are digging into your shoulder or you're constantly adjusting throughout the day, it's definitely time to get a better fit. That's why we love Aerie. Their bras are designed to be the essential effortless first layer with soft fabrics, great fits, and up to 59 sizes. So you can find the one that's right for you. Your bra should be holding you in, not holding you back. Visit Aerie.com to find the right bra for you. That's A-E-R-I-E dot com. You've got social dialed in. Search is doing its thing. So why do your marketing results look the same as six months ago? That's because you're fishing in the same pond as everyone else.

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26:00I have a wild story from Anonymous. One of my friends have been with her boyfriend for about three years and they're both huge spicy food fans. For their anniversary, she decided to cook him a really romantic Thai dinner. And as usual, they went completely overboard with the chilies. He loved it. And shortly after dinner, things started heating up in a slightly different way. And they ended up in the bedroom. As he was going down on her, she started feeling this insane burning sensation. It took a few seconds to realise what was happening before she practically launched herself off the bed and ran into a cold shower Apparently just before running into the bedroom he loved the food that much that he took another big mouthful and in the heat of the moment got straight down to business They'd always said there was no such thing as too spicy in their relationship Turns out there absolutely is Who does that?

26:52What took a mouthful of noodles and then just thought He just was a bit hungry and then he went down on her, but he had chili or sea lemon in his mouth. Who in that moment just grabs a mouthful of food and then runs in the... You. It would be very something you would do. I would not. I literally can visualize you going like that as you would walk up to the bedroom. I can see it happening. I would not eat something on the way in. I would not do that. Yeah, you would. You're a greedy goblin. I've got a love story from Anonymous. Hi, Jamie and Sophie. I absolutely love the pod. And do I have a crazy story for you?

27:24Boy, it better be crazy.

27:54little holiday memory. We kissed goodbye and that was it. I got home two days later, slightly heartbroken and immediately regretted not giving him my number. That evening I ordered a takeaway, went downstairs to collect it and as I opened my front door I heard someone behind me say, you have got to be joking. I turned around and it was him. Get out of here. Standing three doors down from me with a suitcase. We've lived on the same street for nearly two years and have somehow We all never seen each other. Get out of here. Anyway, that was last summer. We now live in my house together. Turns out he didn't need my number.

28:26He just needed my postcode. Shut the fuck up. That is crazy. That's actually one of the best love stories I've ever heard. What? Like, why is that not a movie? Living on the same street. That is serendipity. Neighbors. Who've fallen in love. That should be the name of it. I love that. Who's going to star in the female lead? Reese Witherspoon and Ben Affleck. Sweet Home Alabama. Am I? Hey, why do you want to marry me? Because I can kiss you anytime I like. No, I want. Why? My favourite line from any movie. Why do you want to marry me? So I can kiss you anytime I want. No, you don't have that. You're not good at acting, so you don't have the dictation right.

29:04I am. So listen, you say, why do you want to marry me? And I do it. Why do you want to marry me? So I can kiss you anytime I want. Okay, I'll do it now. That was good. Okay, you do it one more time. Why do you want to marry me? So I can kiss you anytime I want. Yeah, the greatest line. Okay, come on, you little sad act. Okay, but Ben Affleck and Reese Witherspoon doesn't really work for me. Okay, but it's going to be Reese Witherspoon. I'm going to go for one of those guys. Oh, I've got it. Dakota Johnson and... Not to be ages, but maybe they're a little bit older. Oh, no, I know. Dakota Johnson and that fit guy from Baby Daddy.

29:38Baby doll. What was it called? Baby girl. Baby girl. I'm going to go for one of the guys from off campus. I'm going to go for one of those guys. and then the female lead I am going to go for me girl next door kind of vibe me not Sophia Boo Sophia Boo a bit too haggard for this one doesn't quite work for this one like wouldn't wouldn't wouldn't quite work you're so gorgeous you're not haggard old I'm a haggard old bat no the female lead would be do you ever watch girl next door with Alicia Cuthbert Cuthbert Cuthbert that was her name from she was 20 you've never watched A Girl Next Door no Alicia Cuthbert did she used to say hello my name is Alicia Cuthbert yeah Alicia Cuthbert oh I know who it should be no Alicia Alicia Cuthbert I know a girl from Girls of Thrones hang on Game of Dragons what was it called Game of Thrones Girl of Thrones Game of Thrones blonde girl Emilia Clarke absolutely wonderful human being yeah good shout there you go Emilia Clarke now with off campus boy love it young and mild cougar does anyone does anyone know Alicia Cuthbert no one knows who Alicia Cuthbert is did you never watch Girl Next Door no we're not as old as you you big fogey everyone who's listening right now let me know in our DMs newly parents podcast on Instagram if you know Alicia Cuthbert just write in Alicia Cuthbert okay or on our YouTube channel comment okay I just want you to comment them all it's got to be some like moon that's like good for a Scorpio because you are It's an eclipse.

31:13We're going to be talking about that. Oh, it's a Scorpio moon at the minute or something. All right, anyway, here we go. I got one from Anonymous. Hey, Jamie and Sophie, I have a story that keeps me awake at night. I was made of honour for my best friend's wedding, so we had a group chat with literally everyone in it. Bridesmaids, groomsmen, parents, aunties, uncles, cousins, and friends. And because our friendship groups overlapped, a few of my boyfriend's mates too. At the time, my boyfriend and I were really into BDSM. Do you know what that is? I don't know. What does it mean? BDSM bondage, dominating, submission.

31:47I'm going to Google it. I think I know who's in BDSM. Magda over there. Magda over there. Just revealing her preferences over there. It's bondage, discipline, submission, and masochism. Lovely. Masochism. I'm the dominant one, she says. He's the submissive one. And we've been messaging each other all day while I was supposed to be working. The message got progressively more ridiculous. and in the heat of the moment, I sent him a message saying that when I got home, I was going to peg him if he didn't fix his attitude. Only I didn't send it to him. I sent it to the wedding group chat. No, I actually can't go.

32:23I don't know how that popped up. Saying, I'm going to peg you if you don't fix your attitude. My stomach dropped the second I realised. Before I could delete it, people had already read it. Some of my mates were crying with laughter, but the older family members were absolutely mortified. Even worse, a couple of my boyfriend's friends generally started messaging him to check if he was okay. We had to explain that it was completely consensual and just part of our dynamic. The funniest part is my boyfriend is six foot four, built like a truck, and I'm barely five foot. So nobody could work out how it was supposed to work.

32:54Safe to say I was remembered as the maid of honour for all the wrong reasons. I'm a bit confused as well. How would that work? Easily. He's just bent over. Should be standing up probably. Yeah, he's on a table. He's on all fours. Yeah. she's standing up on the bed I reckon her little legs just reach like his hips if she's so tiny and petite and then she would just put a strap on and peg him Perfect, thank you for that explanation Sorry to all the listeners who've got kids in their car I have got a lovely love story from Lara Hey Jamie and Sophie Growing up my sister and I were incredibly close to our grandma She was a total icon had a huge personality and was famously stubborn a classic Taurus A few years ago she sadly passed away and we were all devastated.

33:38I'm so sorry. A few months later, my sister had a beautiful baby girl, the first baby in our family to be born since Grandma May passed away. She was born in May, making her another Taurus. So my sister named her Ivy May after our grandma. Love that. By the time Ivy was three, we started joking that she didn't just, she hadn't just inherited her great grandma's name. As her little personality came through, it became very clear she had inherited Grandma May's stubborn streak too. She was incredibly particular about what she wore, what she ate and would regularly refuse to go to bed. Grandma May also loved parties and was notorious for staying up late, so we couldn't help but laugh at how similar they seemed.

34:15Then, when Ivy was born, she became obsessed with an old necklace in my mum's jewellery box. She wanted to wear it all the time. I put goosebumps. It was only later that we realised the necklace had actually belonged to Grandma May. Wow. Maybe every single one of these things can be explained away as coincidence, but as they keep adding up, we like to think that Grandma May has left a little piece of herself behind in Ivy May. that is so amazing that is so sweet and I love that these messages are so wonderful to all of you who are listening it's just amazing that you get to share these intimate messages with us whether it is about BDSM or about that but it is so lovely ladies and gentlemen thank you so much for those messages we adore you we love you guys we really do love you so much keep sending them in to Newly Parents Podcast on Instagram or you can send us an email newlyparents at jampopproductions.co.uk we check them all so please keep sending them that's the end of that's the end of why do you want to marry me so I can kiss you anytime I want so I can kiss you anytime I want messages so listen I know it has passed but we have to talk about it because we're recording it it's of the day of the reason probably why I'm hyped up and excited and energetic total eclipse of my heart it's an eclipse everyone the eclipse is happening tonight when was the last eclipse?

35:33It was recently 1999 I think it was And I I think that is right Wait this is nuts And the next one It happens in another 60 years Or 90 years Slow down everybody Can you tell me What is going to happen What happens in an eclipse Do you think The moon and the sun Get covered up Okay Let's just try and work this out I think everything goes black But why do you need glasses For an eclipse What happens in an eclipse I'll tell you what happens Because I'm a genius Right Here we go Settle down for a little science lesson I must know but we don't have glasses so where can we get glasses? Honey, the moon goes in front of the sun and it becomes an eclipse, a total eclipse.

36:10That's what happens. I literally just said that. Okay, maybe you didn't. I wasn't listening. It's a total eclipse. It's fascinating. I may not be alive for the next one. It's exciting. So talk to me about what happens. We need glasses. Is everything going to go black? Well, you need glasses. How long does it happen for? It's very simple. You can't look at the sun, but you can't look at it because it's the sun so you need to protect your eyes. You can use a colander. What's a colander? What you drain pasta with. I can look through a sieve. This is like madness, guys. Yeah, it's unbelievable. We surely, like, what are we all doing for this total eclipse of my heart?

36:44There'll be eclipse parties, probably. Well, yeah. We're all going to the pub tonight, yeah. I don't know why you keep looking at it. This is unbelievable that there's going to be an eclipse. Yes. And why is it not, like, front page news? It is. Surely we should all be at home, get preparing for the eclipse. A lot of people are. Well, why is everyone at Jampot and Candy Kittens? Everyone? We're talking about it. You're finished. Go home at lunchtime. No, that would be the rule, wouldn't it? That would be my rule. What, just prepare for it? Go home, get ready. You want to eat your dinner early or cook it, because I know when you get home from work, normally people get home at around 7.30.

37:18Don't want to be on the tube. No, it's very true. So listen. So the tubes are going to be empty at 7.30pm. Well, everyone's going to be outside in the park looking at it. So listen, I want to hear this, right? Imagine if aliens came to Earth And They said The person that we want to meet Is Sophia Boo What is the first question You would ask Those aliens What do you eat This is the big moment For civilization For history You're going to ask them Well you've just given me One question What would you ask I would say How do you live How do you live Yes If I was the alien I'd be confused by that What do you mean I would say What do you mean How do I live And that's why It's a loaded question So I get lots of answers they talk about what they eat, they talk about what they do, they talk about their jobs, they talk about how they reproduce.

38:04You wouldn't say where are you from? No, because I know they're not from Earth. That's interesting. If aliens really came, the truth is, I would really, really, really try and make friends with them. That's the honest truth. And I think everyone thinks that aliens... Do you believe in aliens? Yeah. What do you think they look like? I don't know what they look like, but I think there has to be more life out there. I absolutely believe in mermaids. That's just mad. And sirens. And I also believe in giants. And I can tell you why. We recently went to Ibiza and we had a chef. And he told me that he saw a live giant.

38:46He saw the bones and the skeleton of a giant. And he told me, he also told me loads of facts. He told me that the earth... Was flat. No, he didn't. He said that the earth, oh, as the earth is getting more crowded as we're building things in X, Y, and Z, people are getting smaller because we adapt to the space that we have. So back years and years and years ago where it was just land, rabid land, the people were huge and big and tall. Honey, I'm going to really destroy this. And this giant that he saw the bones of, it was like 600 feet tall. I'm just going to really destroy that because actually as humans, we've gotten bigger.

39:25Well, you don't know. This is all you got told. No, no, it's actually fact. How were the pyramids made? I don't know, but they... So explain that to me. You think they were made by giants? Well, maybe. Or aliens. Well, listen. Aliens can come to Earth. The total eclipse is going to be happening, or happened once you listen to this. But boy, was it a moment to remember. So listen, ladies and gentlemen, we had this moment that we like to call newly founded, which is our segment of the podcast where we shout out about the amazing people, the products, the businesses and tips that help other newly parents stay sane.

39:59This week, our shout out is from Anonymous. Okay. And they say this. Hi, Sophie and Jamie. I wanted to let you know about Etta Loves. At birth, a baby's eyesight is still developing. So they don't see detail the way we do. That's where Etta Loves comes in. They sell a large range of baby necessities and patterns that create visual stimuli for the children using them. backed by research. What's also amazing is they've noticed that babies in the NICU were responding well to their products. So the company now has a donation program, which goes towards supporting babies having difficult NICU stays.

40:39Oh my God. That is such a great idea. Wow. Etta Loves. Guys, that is me. Go and check out Etta Loves. That is incredible. we absolutely love these ones now if you do have a product a friend a business you want to shout out an individual something at all let us know Newly Parents Podcast on Instagram or newlyparents at jampoproductions.co.uk okay before we go I want to play a little game with you honey I love this I generally don't know what's about to happen by the way so shush for what's in your whole life let me speak Siki's not eating real foods so what I thought we would do is we've never tried his foods so I'm going to give you a little spoonful in your mouth of his food and you're going to tell me what you think it is and whether it's delicious this is all baby food is it?

41:29yeah you want me to like so you've just you've got to guess what's in it I've got your blindfold you know this drill yeah blindfolds on the wrong way around but that's okay you look like Batman oh outside diamond that's alright okay I can't see anything oh my god open up open up

41:49that's apple apple pumpkin sweet potato and blueberry okay this one this one is actually honey don't just do loads please

42:02oh my god what is that you can't feed that to kids that'll kill them that's like spicy or something that's like what is that it's mustard it's like i don't know that you can't feed that to ziggy and kill him what is that it's carrot bear cauliflower and wasabi I can't do any more. I can't. Yes, you can. I got a headache. We're really nearly there. Go, go, go. Jamie, I'm not. You're being really pathetic now. You need to man up and show your son how you eat food. Get that little cat mouth away. Put your arms away. Someone blindfold his arms.

42:35I've got vinegar in it. Is that vinegar? Can't breathe. I've never felt this pain in my nose. what is that is there muscle in your nose that like reacts to vinegar because that's what is it's banana and chilli I'm done really strong chilli no one more you've got one more you've done so well I can't show them how you do on I'm a slab oh god go quickly because otherwise it'll dribble on your lovely new clothes what the frick is that you didn't even put it in your mouth You're pathetic. It tastes like a pepper army. That tastes like a pepper army. Put it in your mouth, you pussy. Honey, pass the spoon here.

43:24All right, I'll pass the spoon. Get it in. Everyone can watch it.

43:32It's going to dribble onto your clothes. That is. Is that pineapple?

43:42Is that pineapple? is that pineapple that was pear banana and vomit juice so is that someone's vomit no it's it's a fruit it's called nonny fruit and apparently it tastes like sick so you just ate peach banana and vomit you had one nice one apple pumpkin sweet potato and blueberry delicious my lips are on fire you had carrot pea cauliflower and wasabi that one stank and banana and seriously hot chilli and the seriously hot chilli you thought was vinegar darling you've got the worst taste buds in the world. On that note, ladies and gentlemen, that's the end of the podcast. We'll be back next week for another episode.

44:19Until then, do not feed your kids. Toodle pip. And obviously, don't feed your kids any of these things at home. Listen, we're going to see you next week for another episode. Until then, people. Goodbye. Good luck. If you're getting married. Goodbye. If you're getting divorced. Goodbye. If you are having a baby. Good luck. And we'll see you next week for another episode of Newly Parents. Goodbye.

44:55We'll be right back.

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