Katherine Ryan's vulva turns BLUE

0:03Hello everybody, welcome back to Nearly Parents podcast. On the menu today, Sophie, we have what? Jamie was obsessed with penises and vaginas when he was a child. Yeah, I was totally obsessed with that. And we have the queen that is Katherine Ryan back on the podcast. Oh yeah. And of course, we have listeners messages. Get ready for a wild ride. Enjoy. Hello, I'm Jamie Leng. And I'm Sophie Leng. And we've been married for two years. And we're having a baby. Yes, we are. Are you ready? Let's go.

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2:16Well, hello everybody and welcome back to Nilly Parents. Nilly Parents. Nilly, nilly, nilly. Nilly, nilly Parents. Your little nanny. What did you call your vajayjay growing up? Oh, I told you this. Victoria Well told me to call it a winky, which I later realised in life is a penis. So we called it a winky. But did you not call it anything before that? No, a front bottom. You called it a front bottom. That's what my mum called it. We used to call it a fanny. What, as children? Yeah, as kids. So a little kid was going around like, oh, mummy, my fanny hurts. Yes. Surely like, oh, mummy, my front bottom hurts.

2:52No, fanny. Fanny to me is like, I'll get your fanny out. Fanny's like, oh, what does your fanny look like? No, that's what we used to call a fanny, yeah. And your bulls were called your bollies. So Emily went around being like, oh, my fanny. Yes. I'll never forget your mum telling me that story that once she came home and you were investigating Emily's vagina. And I literally went, I really wish I'd never been told that. No, that is not true at all. What happened was this. We were having a lunch party and my sister stood up on the table in front of everyone and they hewed loads of friends and said, I've got a willy me.

3:31Willy me? I've got, she was two. I've got a willy me like this. And everyone like said, oh, no, you don't. And I said at four years old, yes, you do. If you look inside, you can see the willy. Fascinating that you would have known inside what the inside of a female's vagina looks like at four. Well, I think what happens is I remember being a kid at school and like just being fascinated with willies and fannies and everything. But four years old, you went at school. I remember at five, maybe I was four or five. I remember. Yeah, I do remember being like... You've got to be. I remember being with like family friends and like being so interested and like, wait, I have a willie.

4:05What do you have? Yeah, I remember going to like the swimming room, changing rooms with my dad. And my head was at the height of all these men's willies and they were all just star-pollock naked. And I remember just being like... I don't think my dad ever got naked in front of me, but like the other people in the changing room did and you as a little girl just sit there waiting for your dad to get ready into his towel and trunks and you're just like dicks flapping around everywhere. And also what you don't realise as little kids is they realise something weird is going on. They don't understand it.

4:36But adults are like, oh, that kid doesn't get it. They don't understand what's going on. I'll just, whatever. Yeah. Yeah, I was like, that's not what I have and that is not what my mum has. Did you ever have baths with your parents? No. Maybe my mum. I don't think of it. I don't remember. You don't remember? No, I think when you remember it, it's surely a bit too late to be having a bath with them. No? I used to have a bath with my siblings. Oh my God, I used to pee in the bath and I pooed in the bath twice. I used to pee in the bath every single bath with my sister and I don't think to this day she knew.

5:08Every bath I would just pee. Every single? Every bath. That is so vile. That is horrific. She's washing herself and you'll pee. We both would. Mum would take us out and put us in our pyjamas and we'd just obviously been bathing my pee. only just like clocked onto this and you're like the most ocd person with all of your like this was like really young i don't think me and my sister bathed for very long together i it was me my brother and my sister we used to bath together in a small little bath and we would have a rota so one night i would have to sit near the taps and then the next no the taps were the best the hottest and then what you would do is then you'd have to rotate once you sat next to the taps at the front you then have to rotate and go to the back and you would and you would have to do it all in a line of us like sloshing the water around to make sure the hot got all the way around.

5:52I do remember that too. That is bringing back memories. Like you'd be like sloshing it from my side. But like we bath with everyone. I remember bathing with like all my family friends. Yeah, yeah. That's cool. At what age? Like young, like young enough that I was like pooing and peeing in the bath. That is the weirdest. Like why on earth? That's so lazy. Like why are you pooing and peeing? No, I think I have a thrill from it. I knew it was wrong. And I knew that no one knew I was doing it. I didn't think, oh, I need a wee. I thought, oh, this is wrong. And no one knows. So I'm going to just try and pee because it's like everything I'm not meant to do.

6:25Hey, team, we've got some exciting news that we are starting to build the nursery. Oh my God, we are. It's so cute and it's so exciting. And I'm buying so many things. I don't think you'll yet buy one thing. Yes, I have. I haven't seen you buy one single, one baby grow, one anything, one muslin, nothing. What's a muslin? What? What's a muslin? What do you think a muslin is? Please tell me I knew that when I was 16 what a muslin was. A muslin? Jamie, no, no, this is really concerning that you know so little. A muslin? What's that little piece of cloth that women use when they breastfeed or you wipe the baby's mouth or you wipe the milk up with?

7:04A rag. It's called a muslin. Sorry, it's called a muslin. Why don't you just call it like a cloth? Because that's what you clean the kitchen with. Why don't you call it like a lovely little rag or something? Because a rag sounds like the rag off the bottom of your clothes. All right. Well, I haven't bought any of these. But what I have done is that we're organising the nursery and I'm so freaking excited. I'm organising the nursery. You've done nothing. So what have you done? That is the question. Everything else. You know what you could go and do? What? Buy a car seat. I would love to do that.

7:30Yeah. Okay, wait. So we get to start doing these things. The baby sits in the car. Honey, I've been doing this. Everything's been bought pretty much. You haven't bought a muslin? I have bought muslins. Okay. Have you bought a potty? No, because that's so far away. I don't even think my sister has a potty and her kid's nine months old. Honey, I'm going to go and buy a car seat. I'm also going to go and buy a pram. You won't without me because I obviously need to choose. No, I want to choose it. No, I will be pushing the pram with you. With me, 100%. But I, no, we're both going to choose that together.

8:06It's a group decision. It's the most exciting thing in the entire world. Like this, honestly, it fills me with complete and utter joy and excitement. This is like really fun and also a really fun stage because like it went from like feeling a kick like probably twice a day, two kicks, to like all day. I mean like every hour there's like three kicks. Strong, strong, strong little kicks. Elbows and feet and heads and hands. Anything else that's completely wild that's been happening to you at the moment? Because I think a lot of people listening to this are like, the same thing's happening to me.

8:34Oh my God, I feel normal because Sophie feels that. So what are the things that you're now... The swelling is like quite cracking on now. I've heard about pregnancy swelling. Like everyone's known about that, right? You swell. Yes. But like every day I'm like, who's that in the mirror? Like so swollen everywhere. Like my feet are swollen. My ankles. By the end of the day that I look down, these are not my feet at the bottom of my legs. And my hands, there's no rings that fit on. My boobs are like expanding every day. I would have thought they'd have just stopped growing. Like everything just grows.

9:08It's really fascinating. Do you think? And actually it's a little bit uncomfortable now in bed, like to roll from side to side and to sit up to go to the loo, which is eight times in the night. It's like, I don't know quite how to do that. I need like a rope hanging from the ceiling that I can pull myself up from. Because every time I don't, it feels like I'm like crunching on the baby. That's actually good. You think you need a rope from the ceiling that you'd... Might pull the ceiling down though. No, it feels very weird to sit up. It feels like you're crunching on the baby. Basically using your abs doesn't feel nice at this stage It feels wrong in so many levels I saw a lovely little video where the partner went behind the wife or partner And lifted up the stomach to relieve the strain I did that to you, you didn't like it Yeah I know because I don't really think I need that But what I will give everyone an update on Is if you are constipated Because so many of you are A, we've told you about the glycerin bum-bombs That Catherine Ryan told me about But B, kiwis Kiwis Sprinkle a bit of Cheer seed on them You're going to Thank me It's changed my life Wait what happens I don't know I'm just Life is Normality has resumed Life is Everything is in order again And you know what If you really want to Have a trick Eat one with the skin on Wash it Put the skin on Chop it up Really ripe It's not that bad And then For the sweetness After that You know as a treat Get yourself a kiwi And take the skin off Because it isn't The greatest with the skin It works as a laxative It's unbelievable It's unbelievable And on another note We're going to get Jamie's tongue sorted And take him to a gut therapist Sophie thinks that I have something wrong with my gut Because my tongue is a bit like white No, I've always thought you have like straight And I don't mean to be mean But like some people's teeth just need cleaning more Like mine self-cleaning My gut is Your gut is fucked up My gut is bad because of the stress that I have It's the stress, honey Okay, on that note, let's get on to Listener's Messages

11:16Okay, here we go So this is from Nella She says, long time listener of the pod here And I thought you'd like to hear about my badass granny Barbara My wonderfully blunt and practical granny Grew up in the 40s and 50s And is your classic baby boomer With a get the job done mentality Can't wait As a nurse, she helped birth many children and was very familiar with the ordeal before she had her children of her own. When she gave birth to her first child, she experienced some tearing downstairs. Oh my God. I mean, yeah, that happens, Jamie. I know, it just makes me. The nurse who was in charge of stitching my granny back up was a trainee and it became increasingly painful for my granny to watch.

11:54So she barked at the nurse, give it here, and proceeded to snatch the needle out of the nurse's hands and stitch up her own vagina, having just given birth to her third child. no painkillers or anything she is truly wicked that is unbelievable that is a true freaking rock star you know that that's what George did she didn't stitch up herself but something happened where it was like the needle was like the wrong needle and she was just like she just her legs were in the stirrup she just wanted to hold her baby at this point and the something could happen and she was just like just get it done so she just they stitched her up complete pain no painkillers with this like huge hook of a needle That is so badass.

12:34Because she was just like, her baby's there. She just was like, get it done so I can hold my baby now, please. And it was like a hook, the needle, she said. A huge hook. Yeah. I know the one, the huge hook. I was like, what? And blood was spurting in the nurse's face. That's not a fucking lie. You're talking about some sort of horror movie. That was what happened. Right. Oh my God. Okay, honey, I have a love story for you from Lottie. When I was 17, I met a guy named Jack at a party. He was hilarious and outgoing. Over the years, I had my fair share of shocking boyfriends, and every time I got cheated on or ghosted, I would call Jack in a crisis.

13:11And he would give me one of his long speeches about how I deserved better. One night, we were at a house for a games night with a couple of friends. One of the guys there was Jack's old school friend. I'd kissed him at a party a few weeks before, but it didn't really mean anything. Towards the end of the night, I was sat on Jack's sofa as he gave me a long speech about how I deserved the love I gave and how one day I'd find the perfect person who loved me for me. A couple of days later, I got a call that Jack had passed away that night. I was utterly devastated after he passed. I made a pact to myself that I wouldn't date someone unless Jack would have proved.

13:47To my surprise, the first person to text me condolences was the boy I'd kissed at that party. Fast forward a year and I'd been dating that boy for 11 months. In one fell swoop, he stole my heart. My heart aches with grief for Jack But I'm so bloody grateful for the gift he left me Me and my boyfriend listen to your podcast on every car journey And we are so happy for you for your new chapter in this wonderful life Love you, I really have goosebumps everywhere That is so sweet and just sending you so much love And I'm so sorry for your loss Wow, that is amazing, but also so sad That is amazing But also so sad Send you guys so much love That is amazing Stay Stay lovebirds forever You're meant to be together Make it happen And keep giving us updates And every single body Who messages in Thank you so Frickin much We love them We want to hear them The voice notes Everything Send it in to At nearlyparentspodcast On Instagram Or slide in To our emails Nearlyparents At jampopproductions.co.uk Everything is in the show Description baby That's the end of Our listeners Messages

15:07Well, it's the time you've been waiting for, ladies and gentlemen. It is time to invite that queen, Catherine Ryan. She's been waiting in the wings, excited to come on. She doesn't like waiting. She doesn't wait for anyone. She doesn't. She's a boss. She's a freaking B-O-double-S. All right. Please, welcome to the podcast. It's Catherine Ryan.

15:29Oh, Catherine, welcome back to the podcast. You just got off a flight again. Is that right? Why don't I learn? Can you tell last time? Yeah, so last time I got off an overnight flight from New York City, which was further, and I came straight to the podcast and I did my makeup in the car, and the internet exploded with accusations against my husband that I look like I've been crying all night and he must be an abuser. and that's how your young audience sort of relegate age they're like what's wrong with her being abused no i'm just 40 and i have maybe lymphatic issues i thought about doing some gua sha this morning but then i just didn't do it i love that came straight what's wrong with that they just jumped to the most sinister conclusions and i thought i'd learn my lesson don't go near Sophie again without like a good night's sleep.

16:25I'm full glam, but I've just flown in from Crete where I was nearly denied boarding for being fat. How about that? They were like, and also this is my fourth baby. And I love the optimism of a young British Airways executive, you know, customer service agent where they're like, this is a four hour flight. We think you might have the baby in the air. And I'm like, bitch, wait till you're 32 hour labor in 10 years. This is not enough time for anyone to be crowning, so just let me on the plane. Do they generally think that's going to happen on the flight? Yes. And then I texted my doctor. Okay. You have to have him on the WhatsApp, guys.

17:06100%. We don't, so I don't know why you're saying 100%. Well, I think we have them on the email. Yeah, that's out of hours from 4 p.m. every day. It's not the same. It's not the same. So you can WhatsApp the doctor? Yes. Had I been a custodian of government health care, I would still be in Greece. But I WhatsAppped Pat, who delivered one of Rihanna's babies. Get out of here. No way. Yes. Oh, my God. I know. Why don't we have Pat? I don't know. Where's Pat? Oh, he's very charming. He's everywhere. He's anywhere you want him to be with gloves. So how many times are you WhatsAppping Pat a day? I'm really cool.

17:39So I'm sure that he has some very, no offense to present company, like new and possibly like precious loads of questions. You guys, I mean, you don't know anything. Nothing. I've been listening to the podcast. I can't believe the things you don't know. We don't know anything. We know nothing. Yeah. Didn't you think you could get Sophie pregnant during her period? Yeah. I thought, honestly, I didn't realize that women were ovulating one day a month. What did you think? Just any time. Any time. Any whole time. Any time that if we were going to have sex, then that would equal a baby. That's good to teach young men.

18:12Yeah. Especially on the reality shows that I have enjoyed. I don't know if that held you back at any point. Well, I use protection. Did you ever just think, maybe there's a couple of kids rolling around that of mine? No, I don't think there would be any kids because...

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21:15Someone would have hit him up for child support. Someone would have hit me up, 100%. It's true. Do you know how many you guys want to ever talk about it? I would love to have four. Would you? I would love to have four. But it's quite a lot. But, Catherine, give it to you. First one is a lot. Nothing bothers me. I liked having one. And I was quite young and quite poor and in a foreign country, so none of that was great. But I looked back on those times really fondly. But you weren't anxious at any point? Yes. I was in my mid-20s. I was anxious. Not until she arrived. I had so much confidence and then she arrived and I was like, oh gosh.

21:50And then my relationship was not good. Like things were bad. The environment that I chose to have a baby in was obviously wrong. You guys are financially solvent and you're married and you're in love and you have family and you have lots of support. I think you're in a great place. And I think that you will have four. Talk to me about the, do you ever get frustrated? Sometimes there are frustrations, Catherine, that happen. and as the partner, I don't understand the frustrations because I don't understand, I'm not in the body so I don't understand what you're feeling, what you're going through the changes, all the anxieties, everything there's a lot it feels like that goes on Well you were in the body and that's how we got into this mess so don't forget your role in that I think, Sophie, I love the way you operate because I think it's important to keep a man on his toes and to be clear about your expectations and not to be too hyper-competent, I think it's good to share your frustrations, right?

22:50It is, right? Yeah, it's good. But it's going to get a lot worse because you guys don't have a baby yet. And when you do, then they always say, the young people who are in love, they go, oh, it's going to be so magical. It's our family. Incorrect. What it does is it really tests your relationship because you used to be the most important person in each other's lives. You cease to be the most important person in each other's lives. There's a shift in, you know, roles and responsibilities and focus. You're both tired and you're hungry and you're sleep deprived. Like that's how they torture prisoners.

23:29Buckle up, honey. Honey, I'm buckled up. I'm ready to go. I think I'm going to be, I think when the baby comes, I'm going to be an absolute hero. So how long do you reckon you're tortured for? I haven't slept in four years, but I'm kind of fine with it. I'm getting to the age where, like, you know, your dad starts waking up at 5 a.m. It leaves a decent memory at this point. Yeah, he gets the early bird special and he's in bed by 7. And you're like, Dad, you know, the elderly get up early and that's the phase of life that I'm at. I don't view myself as the children's mother. I'm their grandma. I'm really fun.

24:01I always say yes. So what time do you get up in the morning? Five? It was five. Well, there's no morning. I sleep with my children in the nursery like the dog off Peter Pan. Sweet. That's the sweetest thing ever. Oh my God, that's the sweetest thing. In a bed or on the floor? Well, for a while it was on a Montessori bed, which is a glorified mattress on the floor. It has a little platform under it to prevent damp. It's really important to have a bed like that as children become toddlers because they're not locked in a cage and it facilitates their autonomy. They can get in out of bed. We could talk about that at a different time.

24:38Oh, that's interesting. I was in there for a while. I was on the mattress on the floor for a while. And then I built these beautiful alcove beds for my two youngest children. And one of them will sleep in one and I sleep in the other little alcove bed cut into the wall. And then the other sleeps with my husband on this Montessori bed. So we're all around the nursery. Wow But yeah it's cute I mean it means that we Respond to them immediately So they don't wake in the night And cry And wonder why they're alone in the world And then give up And fall asleep Which is what I believe sleep training is But that's controversial It's tricky right I find it like I need to deep dive into this Yeah keep going Because I find it tricky Because whenever anyone talks about What they do What they want to do There's so many opinions Like everyone goes You can't do that You shouldn't be eating that You should be doing this It's just like shut up like it's so annoying like it's just do what you want to do so going back to that so you so it's co-sleeping you closely yes so when they're first born I just sleep with them in the bed this is controversial some people feel like it's not safe some people feel like it's actually really safe and much safer than leaving a newborn to fend for themselves in a dark room all alone um I also breastfeed them for a long time and that way I did it because instinctively it felt like the right thing to do.

25:57No other mammal puts their new baby in a different nest. And also if you're breastfeeding and you're tired, it's just so easy to get a boob out and you're not turning the light on, waking up, going into another room. So that just worked for us. And then we graduated slowly to this nursery where it is our intention to have the children sleeping in there without us, but they still wake up at least once in the night. So they used to wake up maybe four or five times in the night. This is what I mean by there is no morning. Man. But now they wake up maybe once in the night. Last night we flew in, they went to bed a little bit late and they did not get up till 6.30.

26:32Let's go. And that doesn't happen every night, but sometimes it does. And what ages are they? Two and four. And 16. Oh, so they're tiny little things. Yeah. They're 18 months apart, which I highly recommend. That's such a nice... So you just bang them out. Yeah, it was a surprise because if you're breastfeeding that, well, you won't know this, Jamie. So you can get pregnant when you're breastfeeding, but it's unlikely that for most women, though there are anomalies, that you will ovulate while you're breastfeeding. Yeah. And that's sort of nature's way of protecting Irish people. And then giving like a woman a year off, you know?

27:13Yeah. It can't be a year off. I breastfeed for like two years Really? Yeah It's giving people a year off getting pregnant Okay, it's not a year off I still have sex Okay, good, thank God But I don't ovulating This is going back to how little Leanne stands It means, Jamie, you can have sex And it doesn't And then there's no pregnancy that's going to happen Great There could be, though Some people do get pregnant Even though they're breastfeeding And we don't know what's going on with them Okay, fine But I don't ovulate While I'm like actively, exclusively breastfeeding So then at nine months, when Fred was nine months old, I got a period.

27:50And then I was like, oh, so I would have ovulated two weeks before that. And I thought, oh, that's interesting. We'll try it this month. So two weeks following my period, which is when most women can get pregnant and ovulate, Jamie. Then I purposefully had sex with my husband, who didn't really know the math. We don't know the math. No. We don't know the math. And then I got pregnant. And then that's how Fena came to be. It just worked on the first try. when I was 39 so that was like great and then uh and then I didn't get pregnant again until almost now that is the one thing like I I've said this before but I said it again together I thought like when you go and conceive a baby it's like chuck on some Barry White maybe have a little drink let's get a little bit saucy it is the total opposite of that there is no it's like no I'm ovulating let's go now yeah and that is quite like an that's quite an intimidating moment.

28:43I think for the next three that you two have, you should just kick back. I think your goal as your marriage counselor, as your very fertile friend, I think what they say is just have sex three times a week if you can. Every week? Every week. There we freaking go. Three times a week. And it could be spontaneous. It could be quick. It could be planned. But if Sophie has some type of medical issues and with little hips like that, she will. you're gonna need maybe a recovery period obviously can i just say i've been telling jamie my hips are an agony movie and jamie's like oh my god i can't it feels like i'm like a werewolf and i'm expanding and i i'm like my bones are growing the hips you want that to happen yeah because if it didn't how do you think the baby's head would get through this little bikini pelvis do you know what i mean we we've heard this thing that you can get something that you can insert, it's like a balloon, and then you pump it and it can stretch.

29:45I heard you talking that nonsense and I thought, what are you talking about? Are you talking about an induction? I don't know what it is. That is an induction, isn't it? You get a balloon. No, you get a balloon. And you put it in your vagina. Rusty the Clown. I get my balloon and I put it in your vagina and then I pump it. You're not going anywhere near my vagina with the balloon. So, I can't believe that you haven't been inundated with cancellations after saying that publicly, Jamie. Please don't insert anything into your wife's vagine. What they might do in an induction circumstance is they have like a sort of balloon that goes into the cervix.

30:21Once they've put this gel in to help ripen the cervix that would like. Ripen. Yeah, ripen. Sorry. Like an avocado. I know. And like slowly expand the cervix. But your vagina itself, I've never done anything wild to my vagina. There's been no like perineal massage oil or nothing. None of that. No. It's not sounding very appetizing to me. Your vagina's designed to... That's like massaging the inside. Well, one thing... Again, this podcast is sometimes TMI, but we've got to say... Sophie this morning was getting out of the shower and she said, please don't look at my vagina because she said it's grown.

31:00It's grown. This is exactly what I wanted you to talk about today. Relying on the bathroom floor again. That is exactly... You mentioned it though to me. To you! Not to the public. No, but that is relevant and it makes me feel better. So when you share your thing, I feel good. Because you watch out in this pregnancy, my vagina, my vulva rather, is blue. Blue. Like a smurf, like an avatar vag. And that is because of expanding blood vessels and pressure, like after four babies. An avatar vag. Yeah. so if big can I just can I just understand the whole thing is blue no there are visible blue veins like in an elderly woman's legs when she hasn't had access to compression stockings like popping out of my actual vulva Jamie Lang can you could you put a sock on it I would love to actually the advice is like elevate your legs and da da da da but I just work full time so I can't do that but if all you got to worry about is a fat cat it's quite shocking I was like one day like whoa what's happened there that was like day one though pregnancy I was like yeah I was like something's up like this is it's like so swollen yeah swollen but it will go back it will be fine and I also hate swollen this misconception that's like it's destroyed after it's ruined after it really isn't like every single time mine went exactly back to what it used to look like.

32:35Apart from this time, we might not make it. Yeah, this time's worrying. What I find it so funny is everyone listening and watching just imagining your vagina. I would love, I do take photos of it, which I delete instantly just so I can track like what's going on. And I asked Pat. Did you ask Pat? Did you send them to Pat? What did Pat say? Did not send them to Pat. I think I would have been out on the street delivering my own child by the bins. No, I just said, I looked it up. It's called like varicoseal. Like it's got a name and it happens to 20 % of women. And he just said each time you get pregnant, those blood vessels grow and then they shrink back.

33:13And then they get a little bit weaker like an elastic. And this, you know, you keep having these babies. So number four, it'll be Sophie Smurf Badge. Smurf Badge. Did you have any cravings during pregnancy? No, did you? No. Well, I say this, but people think I did. Sost it. I liked me. Like I was very into meat Very off the sweet And now it's on a 360 Like now I'm like Me Give me the chocolate Oh interesting Yeah So you were You're now You're not savoury anymore Well I'm just I've not had like I need this craving It's just like Things that I preferred So I was like So obsessed with salt And now I'm quite Would like some chocolate And ice cream Mmm Okay With salt Put some like Himalayan salt On chocolate ice cream That's stunning That sounds really nice Um And then when it comes to when the baby comes, which is like the most magical moment, right?

34:09If you want to see your wife shitting in a pool. Because, Catherine, I tell you what, do you know what I've been feeling? I've said this, I said it, but we're now feeling kicks. Yeah. When you feel kicks, maybe as the partner, man, I've never felt love go through your body like that. It's like the most insane thing in the entire world. this little tiny foot in my hand. It's crazy. There's a person in your way. It's so wild. You will love it, Jamie. This is, you know, you guys are going to be finding it. But it is intense. But the good outweighs the bad. And it's just, it's the best thing. If you want to have children, having them is so wonderful.

34:52Do you ever think about when your kids will leave the house? That's happening. Yeah, so Violet's 16. Oh, no. She's in Canada this week. She's there for three weeks this summer with Bobby's family. Okay. Because his sisters are sexually incontinent and he has like 40 nieces. We're white trash. I don't know if you knew that. But we're from, you know, they'll be just having fun, going trailer to trailer this summer, vaping it up where I grew up. And she'll meet her own Bobby. Does that worry you? Yeah. What advice do you say? Well, Violet is better than I am. So she has what I think Sophie has, which is black cat energy.

35:38And I have golden retriever energy. So historically, I've been like, you like me? I like you. And I've been very bad with men. But Violet cuts them off, breaks their heart, ghosts them, blocks them. Like she's not boy crazy. You have that. Sophie's never had a heart broken ever. She doesn't know what it feels like. Oh, I love that. I know. Isn't that insane? No. Look at her. It's not insane Because it could happen It's got to happen Everyone says You've got to get Your heart broken once Your child will break your heart Especially if you have A son one day Oh that's true Yeah That is true When he leaves Yeah but also Other things Because he'll disappoint you And make you sad That won't break your heart Someone's childhood trauma Is coming out We'll send him away To morning school Yeah But it's true The son You I saw this thing It's true A daughter never goes Yeah Well, hopefully not.

36:29I mean, you do have to confront little milestones of like letting them go out in London alone in the evening, letting them go to a concert, letting them take public transport, letting Violet fly. She's been flying transatlantically since she was 14. And I like that. I admire her autonomy and her independence. And she's really resilient and resourceful. I love those things about her. And I didn't have children with the same intentions as I would get a puppy. You know, they live a long time, hopefully. And they're meant to grow into productive members of society. So it's okay. But when she was about nine, I had a hard time with it.

37:07I started confronting what would be. And I think that's why I married Bobby. Really? To replace her. I was like, oh, shit. I need something. Yeah. I need something to replace this when this is not here. And it hasn't lived up, you know. I think sometimes I love Bobby and I love the kids but this whole thing that I've been doing I see a different life I think what if it was still just Violet and me I know I know not that I know but I understand because yours and Violet relationship is like you're like sort of best buds and I've seen it you know on TV and everywhere you guys relationship is like I wish I would love to replicate that it's so yeah and you are you're like soulmates almost yeah well we were and then now like i've it's like two best it's sort of like the film bridesmaids yeah when you have two girlfriends and then one of them chooses the path of like marriage and family and then the other one feels a little bit like well hang on i thought we were going to pilates and having holidays yeah so violet and i could have this rock and roll like girls holiday lifestyle but i chose a different path and i'm a bit like and I thought and you might think this I thought well I have these babies I'll throw money at it yeah we'll just who who cares about these babies and I'll still be able to do what I want to do with Violet but then they arrive and then you can't and you love them and they really love you like this is the thing you don't have freedom even if you get staff or nannies whatever you want to call it those children will scream like someone's hurting them if you leave the house and then you're like well uh what do i do it's not just easy to leave are you emotional or not that emotional i'm not emotional but i am very maternal and i identify as an attachment parent and i believe that we have a generation of really mentally ill adults yes and i think that's because people left them to cry in their cots and didn't have a yeah like i'm very responsive to my small children's needs this is yeah that's he doesn't you just because you got very brought up with like nannies damage to self yeah and he doesn't understand the other way do you know when sophie and i first but this i do understand the way when sophie and i first you started getting together and sort of dating and meeting each other's parents my parents are very much like my parents right and they're sort of here where sophie and her family are very close sophie thought my family was a bit odd because we weren't so connected.

39:43And I thought her family was too strange because you're so close with each other. But actually, the more and more I realized that connection, that's what a family should be. You should be like that. So I'm definitely coming to your side more. Catherine, do you have any tips for giving birth? I've done it all the ways. My VA... All the ways. Well, I haven't had a C-section. Okay. But I would strongly advise any woman giving birth to advocate for yourself, to be really vocal about what you want, but your goal should be to live. So whatever they need to do, just be open, have a birth plan, but be flexible.

40:21So with my first baby, and this is what you are approaching, so it will be the hardest one of the four that you'll have. I got sent home. I went to the hospital and I said, I'm an active labor. And they said, no, which is very common. And they sent me home and I was throwing up in the corridor and I was like, this is bad. This is getting bad. And then I was very obedient because I was 24 years old. And I just went home and I fully labored at home. And I thought, right, well, this isn't happening till tomorrow. They said it isn't happening tomorrow. And then my body started pushing because I was 10 centimeters at home.

40:55Oh my God, I got goosebumps. Yeah. And then we had to be rushed into a minicab, which is the former car service, like back when, you know, they didn't have a license or CRB check, steering wheel, you know, just getting a minicab. And she was born immediately. Like I made it. Whoa. 24-year-old clenching alone. Did you have to hold on? Yes. But you don't have a choice. Like, you know when the baby's coming, your body starts to push kind of like a dry heaving. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? But backwards. I would say stay as home as long as you can because your body will also like go to the toilet and you're a fancy lady I'm sure you don't want that to happen with an audience so just like stay home it's like you have food poisoning and then when that's done never heard that before that's great advice it's just food poisoning it feels like food poisoning for a while everything is just going in then I had Fred at the Lindo Wing I was there for 19 minutes because he came so quickly then I had Fena at home Wow Because yeah In a pool Because of how quickly Fred came That's a bit of a vibe I like that vibe I loved it But no I wouldn't do it No not your first one You could Calvin Harris and his wife just did it Yeah we just Yeah Whatever You do what you want But This one Bobby was traumatized by the home birth Which I think Jamie might be Really?

42:13I wouldn't be able to handle it Well it's a lot To be the You know Because there's a lot going on And you're just trying to organize everything But I loved it And I would do it again If it weren't for my husband's input. And so I'm going to the hospital again. And it's not that bad is what my advice would be. Advocate for yourself. Stay home having food poisoning kind of as long as you can, but not too long. And then like people for thousands and thousands of years have done it. And the labor hurts a lot worse than the pushing. I think first time moms are scared of the pushing, but it's your body opening up like a Thanksgiving turkey that hurts the most.

42:48And you're already experiencing some of that. Oh, yeah. With the pelvic floorplanes. Did you, like Calvin Harris and Vic did, did you eat your placenta? I did ingest my placenta, though not like raw. No. I know a spectrum of different women who've kept it in the freezer, have made smoothies, who've fried it, who've planted it. I sent it away to a company, along with cord blood, to a different company to harvest stem cells. Wow. You guys don't know about this. No. I'm surprised they haven't hit you up. No. I need to do this. So a phlebotomist comes when you're in labor and waits and then instantly takes some blood from the cord and then you bank your baby's stem cells for life.

43:32And then that theoretically could help if they should suffer from any type of disease that... Wow, that's amazing. I thought we'd have to do that. Do that. I mean, I do it to inject them into my face, but... It could also save a baby's life if that's important to you. Catherine, you've got to also tell us about your new show, Write Me Dirty. Oh. Okay. So a young go-getter, a real entrepreneur reached out to me. Jamie Lang, someone whom I've always had a tremendous amount of respect for. I love what you're doing in the podcast space. I think you're a great businessman and interviewer, and you've married up.

44:10I definitely married up. Yeah. And I just thought, oh my gosh, Jamie Lang has this idea for a new podcast where comedians write erotic fan fiction about each other, read it aloud to each other, and then we delight in their reactions. And it's really awkward because comedians, they're at their funniest, I think, when they're put out of their comfort zone. And everyone approaches this task very differently, which is really exciting to see. And I just couldn't wait to be a part of it and host it. It is so funny because you're a genius host. And when you put comedians outside their comfort zone, that's when the funny happens.

44:52Also, comedians are quite awkward in lots of ways. And so when the comedians have to talk about erotic fiction, the awkwardness almost like it's over the path with Lou Sanders. Lou is quite happy to talk about sex and things like that. But it is so funny. It's so brilliant. You're a genius at it. And I just want to say a huge thank you for hosting it and doing it because it's brilliant. No, I love Write Me Dirty. I think it's going to be another huge hit. Yeah, 100%. And it's so funny, but it really scratches the itch of like, if you're not someone who accesses pornography, like I'm not, I do not watch it.

45:23I do not participate. You've never seen porn? I have seen it. And I mean, I'm born in the 80s. So I'm from like the very toxic generation where I'd go to a party and there'd be porn like on television. Get out of here. Because kids were like, we found porn. Like I'm from the generation that straddled, you'd have to go to a shop and buy pornography. And then all of a sudden we have the internet. So the boys I hung out with like are the ground floor of porn. We built OnlyFans. So I've seen it, but not probably for 20 years. Really? At all. No. But it's kind of titillating. Like even if you're not listening for the sex, some of it's quite sexy.

46:00Very sexy. Oh yeah. Oh, Catherine, listen, we love you. Rime Me Daddy is amazing and I just want everyone to go and listen to it. If you want to go and listen, we're going to leave a link in our show description as well. And just, secondly, I said this last time, but just thank you for always supporting us and like being the host and just being the best and so funny and everything. And I can't wait to maybe our babies being friends. Oh, yeah. I don't think they will. Catherine doesn't do friends. She doesn't do friends. No, but because of the class divide. I'll have chavvy babies and they won't get to know yours.

46:33unfortunately. I would just love once to do a play date. Just one time. I'm going to break it down. Can we please one time do one play date? Do you know what? I will say, as a chav, the Ryan Cootsters, we do huge fun parties. Let's do that. And they're very well catered and they're in the garden. That's how we get people together with their babies and you must come. Bouncy Castle? We would love to come. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't wait. I'll dress up as a clown. I'll bring my balloons. No. Yeah. Everybody, keep your vagina slammed shut. Jake is doing his old tricks again. Catherine, we love you so much.

47:07Thank you so much. Thank you, guys.

47:13Well, that was... Oh, she's just amazing. Sorry, I can't get over the Avatar Vaj. The Smurf Vaj. The Smurf. She is just such funny, though. Oh, my God. It's so frigging good. I like it so much. Catherine, thank you for coming on. Thank you, Catherine. We love you. And if you love that, go listen to Write Me Dirty because Doubler's genius as well. Catherine, you're a G. Now, honey, before we go, a weird pregnancy tip of the week. Are you ready for this? It's from Billy. Drinking cow's urine promotes vaginal delivery. No. Who said, do you know what? Billy's wife thought, go on, milk that cow's piss and I'll just drink it and hopefully I'll give bath through my vagina.

47:57That's what we were all meant to do anyway. From Billy, drinking cow's urine promotes vaginal delivery how? I have no idea but we should try it did he like slap it off from the grass like how do you put a bottle underneath the cows? they pee have you not seen them pee before? into the grass yeah you just put a little jar underneath drink that up honey no yeah drink that up no glug glug glug glug okay guys we love you also by the way we do have to caveat with the fact that we are not medical professionals we are not so anything you hear on this podcast, don't come at us. Don't go and drink house pee.

48:34Don't go and drink house pee if you, that's from Billy. We're not saying it. And also, just let everyone know as always, whatever journey you're on in life, whatever that is, just remember you're amazing, you're incredible, you're awesome. And we do this show to just really entertain and hope everyone has a fun time. And yeah, I just wanted to say that. Okay, we're going to be back next week for another episode of Nearly Parents. Until then, goodbye. if you're getting married good luck if you're getting divorced good luck if you're renovating a house oh don't do it if you are having a baby go do it and if you're single and ready to make it oh go have the best august yet we love you goodbye see you next week goodbye

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