Our First Moments as Parents

0:00Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Newly Parents. On the show today, on the little menu today, we have Sophie. We have you scratching your butt at smithereens in the night. Okay, Sophie nearly kisses her hall pass. We talk about you and I getting a little bit frisky. We also talk about our first moments as a family with our baby Ziggy. All of that coming up in the show. Also, if you haven't subscribed yet to our show, if you can click that button, it takes one second, it's completely free and does us wonders. Okay, here we go. You ready, honey? We love you. I love you. Enjoy. Enjoy the show.

0:32We love you. Enjoy it. Hello, I'm Jamie Lang. And I'm Sophie Lang. And now, we're newly parents. Oh, yeah, we are, baby.

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2:04Plus with colors like dark green, navy and maroon, it all says fall in the best way. Get your active wear ready for the changing seasons with YPB by Abercrombie. Shop in the app, online and in stores. Well, looky who it is. We swapped our chairs, you little slug. You little slug. You little sluts bag. No, what do I keep calling you? You grumpy old git. You little stinking. Oh, no, no, this is my food one. You sad little git. You sad. Sad. Sad. Sad little git. Sad little git. Hey, welcome back to episode two of Newly Parents, Everybody.

2:51Damn straight. All right, we have so much to talk about today. I need to tell everyone a few things. I am exhausted. Right. And I need to tell you why. Shut up. I'm not going to shut up. I'm not going to shut up. I slept on the floor, the floor of our nursery. Yeah. Do you want to know why, everyone? Because our son has a cold at the moment, right? So I, he can't breathe out his nose. And I put him in bed with me. Come at me, mums. And he went, oh, you're going to get him in bed with you. I'll go sleep upstairs then. By the way, everyone, we have a spare room. So imagine my shock horror when I went to change Ziggy's nappy in the night.

3:28No, that's the biggest lie I've ever heard. That's the biggest lie I've ever heard. And that video is there butt naked on a stupid little blanket lying on the floor of his nursery. Like, why? That's the biggest lie I've ever heard. You came in going, he's not sleeping. No, I didn't. He's not sleeping. I didn't. And so then who? Papa over here. Oh, Papa, shut up. I've got proof. I've got it all on the nana and I rewatch all of it. It's my favorite hobby. I sit, I watch everything, nothing goes amiss. What happened was I came in. The nanny is what records our video. I rock, rock, rock, because I thought, look, he doesn't like the bed.

4:02It was the first time I've ever tried. I'm desperate for him to sleep, post-sleep with me, but he doesn't like to do it. So I thought I would rock him. I would put him back in his cot. Jamie was asleep on the floor, slept through the whole thing. I put him back in the cot and then I thought, are you going to go back downstairs? He said, no, I'll stay here because you were just so comfy on that floor, on that bony, bony floor. So I. He was not comfy on that floor. I slept next to you on the floor in our son's room. Yes. With our son in the cot. With our son in the cot. And then what did you do?

4:30I then was painfully, really uncomfortable, so I went back to my bedroom. Yeah, so I slept on the ground. And you, you big sucker, could have followed me. No. More fall on you that you didn't wake up one night there. No, I did wake up and then I was soothing him all night because he's got a cold so he can't sleep. So I was putting my hand on him all night to make sure he was okay. I did look at the nana and Jamie sleeps naked. and it's just like you hovering over with your face mask you look like a worm and you're just naked with your big butt cheeks in the air like tapping ziggy no wonder he didn't sleep he was like who is this white haired man with like terrifying there's a pose on for god's sake can i just say we have we have this this nanette thing is so so which records everything that that happens in the nursery and so Sophie one night Ziggy was crying and so so obviously runs upstairs to go and like sort out Ziggy and I was like okay fine after about after about 20 minutes I think it was about 20 minutes I was like I just want to we've we've just moved him from our bedroom to his own room in the cot so it's been like a it's been a fraught week I would say we're running on about two hours sleep every night this week zero sleep anyway i was like where the fuck is sophie like i'm like she's still out there so i get the little video little screen to monitor to have a look what's going on ziggy's in his cot and sophie has climbed big mama's joined him and she's spooning she's spooning our son spooning him like this in this tiny little cot And so I come up and say, I'm like, you can't get into the cot with him.

6:12You can't get into the cot with him. We had to say, he was like, get out of the cot. It's bad habits. And I was like, you're a strict, nasty parent who won't cradle their son. And he was like, get out with your big naked body in front of me. So that's what we're dealing with, guys. Another thing that happened to me this week that I've got to get off my chest because it's the funniest thing ever. And I know I've told you a million times, but I have to tell everyone else because it was the wildest experience that I've ever had in my entire life. I was on my Vespa driving. I was on my Vespa driving through London, okay, past Holland Park.

6:44If you know Holland Park, it's a park. And when I was driving past the park, okay, there's a car park. And out of the car park flew a stork. I'm not kidding you. But they're carrying a little baby in it. No, flew a stork. Where's stork? They're only in Narnia. No. Storks aren't like cruising around London I know That's why it was so weird A stork Flew out Oh my god It looked like a pterodactyl Flying at me And it flew Into me Flew into me on my Vespa A stork I've never seen a stork I'm going to show you This is what a stork looks like That's a stork That's Oh I see them all the time That's a seagull if you ask me I see them all the time A stalk flew into me.

7:40Good luck, I think. It was, that whole, I just need to tell you this, that whole journey was really upsetting. What happened on your journey? Okay, I had a sore tooth, really, really sore tooth. We know, we've all heard about the sore tooth. It's a little bit better now, but I had to drain an abscess from my tooth. It's an abscess, not an abtheth. I don't understand. Why do you keep saying that? He said it to me 800 times. Sophie, I've had an abtheth. And I know you don't have a lisp, but I'm not sure what's happening. It's an abscess, is it? Yeah. Okay, I had an abscess in my tooth. And nothing, I went to loads of dentists.

8:16They all would like saying it's different things. So I finally went back to my old dentist, who is incredible. He's the nicest, nicest person in the world. But to get there, I had to take my Vespa. Okay? Not on the motorway again. So I'm not even kidding you, okay? I didn't go on the motorways, but it was huge A roads, three lane A roads on my Vespa. And I'm not even kidding you. I swear to you my entire life. I was on my Vespa going and I had my big puffy jacket on and the puffy jacket became a parachute. So I was, I was driving it and I was trying to get. It's a helmet. I was trying to get as low as possible.

9:04I was trying to get as low as possible so the jacket wouldn't be a parachute. And the wind was so much that my visor that I had flew open and I couldn't see. And the whole thing was dragging me off. It was terrifying to the point when I was driving, I was going, this is fucking mental. as I was driving it. Fucking hell, this is nuts. Is that legal then to go on the A-roads? I don't know, honey. I can only go up to 50 miles an hour on it. So I think that's the speed limit, but I don't know. Why don't you upgrade? 50 miles an hour is like peak on a Vespa. You can't go. Yeah, you must have been pissing everyone off on those roads.

9:46I would have knocked you to the side if I was driving past 50 miles per hour. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you got your abscess fixed. I got my abscess fixed Which was really quite sore Really sore Yeah it was really good And really really sore Right It's the sorest thing That I've ever had in my entire life Have you been in the war so sweet? Yeah And also You're covered in scratches You're covered in scratches I don't know It's like This is Jamie in the night I think he like Claws his whole body It's like You look like you've been Attacked by a wolf When you wake up in the morning Were they all over my back?

10:21All over you I need to take a photo It's like your bum as well like covered in scratches and I don't know how you get your hands there and scratch your bum like that. Because you can just scratch your bum. But why do you scratch it? Is it that itchy? Well if it's scratchy probably because I've itched my bum. But why just the back? Why are you so itchy? What's going on there? Well this is what we should get into because we're going to go back and talk about the first moments that we had with Ziggy. Okay. And what it was like to be first parents. Because I haven't told you this. You know when we first had Ziggy and he came back, every single time ziggy cried when he came back from the hospital i used to get an itchy head i'm not i'm not joking you i'm not joking you okay i i'm not kidding you and i think it's a thing so instead of picking up your son when he was crying you were like no i had an itchy head i promise you my head was really itchy with it i don't know why magda's gonna google it i think that's probably just like not a thing maybe it's anxiety rife within you it's a hundred percent a thing it's It's not.

11:21Magda, is it a thing? No. This is uniquely yours, Jamie. Is that what it says? It says that kids get a thing called cradle cap. Yeah, that's not what you had. I think I had cradle cap. You got a scalp. A cradly cap. A flaky scalp. When Ziggy cried. No. That flaky, that's from all that peroxide blonde hair. Not because of Ziggy crying. Tell me what it was like for you when you first came back with Zig. What was those moments like? For me, well, the car journey was a lot. Oh, my God. Because you put them in this car seat and then you put them in the taxi. And the taxi person's talking to you and she was so sweet and she just had a baby or something.

12:02Oh, her nephew. No, that was it. Yeah, her son had just had a baby. And then the weirdest thing in the world. Yeah, this is weird. This is mad. The lady who, this wonderful taxi driver who picked us up from the hospital to take us home. She was so kind and so lovely. She was speaking about her son. two weeks later we got into a taxi and it was her son driving the taxi said by the way said yeah by the way my mom picked you guys up went out of the hospital and took you home and we flagged him we didn't we we didn't book him we flagged a taxi down it was him it was him he was so lovely as well he was so what was your moment so the taxi drive back was mad the taxi drive was bad because car seat crying oh no oh no oh no get into the door heaven heaven on earth i the way i describe it to my friends is like giving getting given your child when you've just given birth and like for me everyone's experience is different but that first month was like a drug if i could just Sniff that, rub it in me Sniff that?

13:05Eat it Sorry Yeah Sniff that That drug Oh that drug What do you mean? I don't know You just went straight in If you could inject it If I could inject it into me Like if I could have that feeling Forever and ever and ever What is the feeling? Can you describe it to me? Right oxytocin riding through my body It was like all over me The most amazing feeling The love hormone Like just so happy So in love Heaven really and obviously because i'd had the the c-section right i think it's kind of nice because you sort of get this excuse to just lie in bed the whole time because i feel like you should be able to lie in bed all day every day with your baby when you've just given birth but i feel like maybe people have the pressure to like get out and about but we obviously had him at christmas so it was like cozy cozy vibes i couldn't walk in bed you brought me food from m &s i did i watched harry potter from the beginning i watched twilight from the beginning now i can't watch any tv because where does ziggy's eyes go he's literally like an owl if i put the tv on he will literally do 360 to watch like how how just let me watch real housewives for one minute but i can't so those days when his eyes were shut all day long and he was just nuzzling into me and i could watch everything we watched we watched harry potter we watched harry potter the first one to the end one watched it all the way through.

14:31Neither of us have watched the last one. And Sophie has decided her synopsis of Harry Potter, which is what? Harry Potter's an absolute loser. No, but like not a loser because like, oh, he's not cool or whatever. Like that is a shit hero. He's not a hero. Sophie prefers, thinks Voldemort is better than Harry Potter. Absolutely. Harry Potter isn't a wizard. He only stole Voldemort's powers. I don't know why we're all acting like he's the chosen one. He isn't. He is an average, normal, very little boy who absorbs Baltimore's powers. That's all it is. Okay, give me more. What else? And he's selfish because he constantly puts all his friends and family at risk.

15:13Just like, hand your safe over to Baltimore. Why are you like, the whole world is fighting for Harry. Why? Dumbledore dies for Harry. Love Dumbledore. He's very, very talented. Harry isn't. If you had to sleep with one of the Harry Potter characters, who would it be? Always Draco Malfoy. Weird. I'm not joking. You would chag Draco Malfoy. Always. And then I married someone with peroxide blonde hair. I, when I was younger, was absolutely gung-ho in love with Draco Malfoy. In love. What the hell? And then you have peroxide blonde hair. And you don't find many men with peroxide blonde hair. His is natural, but...

15:52No, it's not. You think the child... Yes. At five years old died his hair white? He wasn't five. He was 13. Oh, maybe they did. Of course they did. You think he had just white hair? Of course they peroxide blonded that. Did they? Yes, Tom Felton bleached his hair naturally. Oh, yeah, because he's naturally a light brown, dirty blonde. Well, he does look better blonde, that peroxide. It suits him. Okay, anyway, so we watched Harry Potter. Twilight? You didn't like Twilight at all. I don't like Twilight as much, no. No, I like that a lot. But what was it like first time being a mum? Because that's all, that whole moment is like...

16:27It's like such a blur. and I still feel like a really new mom but just like I don't know the only way to describe it is like it feels like a hole has been filled like it just felt I felt complete like overwhelming love overwhelming happiness overwhelming contentness yeah just unbelievable can we talk about our first night we were together when Ziggy wouldn't stop pooing yeah tell everyone so one of our very first nights that we came back with Ziggy and it is by the way it is like no I'll tell you it's chaos honey the first night was like kind of amazing. We were like, okay, yeah, feeding. Like, sometimes we even set the alarm and woke him up to feed him, right?

17:06Second night, which people say you get... You get, you get... They're like sleepy. You get brought into like a false thing. I sent a message to my friend saying, they don't know why everyone's complaining about this. This is a friggin' breeze. And he was like, you're two days in. Get ready. It was heaven. And then bosh, thunder onto reality. So we called the hospital because we were so worried so worried and we called them and we were like they were like what's happened what's happened we said we've just got a three-day-old and like he will not stop shitting like shit was everywhere guys i'm talking like changing the nappy cleaning it nappies there poo everywhere all over the bed because i was just i was like oh my god something's this can't be normal like he's got a tummy bug or something crying and then like weeing obviously he's a boy the wee was mad the wee was everywhere like it was also like I don't know why but it was seeping out of his nappies his clothes were constantly wet we were like oh my god this is mayhem and then he was crying so much I was rocking him and I was wearing these nighties that you know I love a nightie and I was wearing a nightie because I was breastfeeding but when I they were actually quite inconvenient to breastfeed with because like you have to pull the whole thing up so what I'd do she'd pull the whole thing and got it do it now I would pull the nightie and I would put it over my head.

18:28Do you know what I'm trying to say? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you imagine? So they're like tucked underneath your armpits. So it's like basically like a small little cropped cardi at that point. And I just mill about the house all day long with my big maternity pants, huge udders hanging out. And I was rocking him, rocking him, rocking him. And I was like, oh my God, Jamie, he's peeing, he's peeing, he's peeing. And Jamie was like, where is he? Where is it coming from? He's in a nappy. And it was my boobs. The milk was just like... spraying out like fountains. Spraying out like fountains. I couldn't understand why they were doing that because he was crying and pooing and they were just spraying out everywhere.

19:02They sprayed out the whole time. That's what, yeah, that's what happens. I remember when Ziggy first came back, he was obviously like sleeping in the cot next to us. Sophie in the middle of the night would wake up and go, where is he? And I'm like, what the hell? Like, what are you talking, what's going on? Like that. And she thought that Ziggy was in the bed with us and you had rolled on top of it. No, I didn't think that. I was hallucinating because I was breastfeeding. I was. I was breastfeeding the night. You were not hallucinating. Yes, I was, you absolute saddle git. Let me tell you why.

19:37I am producing milk and breastfeeding in the night. The tiredness is extraordinary. And the thirst. And the thirst. And I'm just like this. And it's 2 a.m. And then it's 4 a.m. And then it's 6 a.m. And then it's 11 p.m. And so then I put him back in the cot and I still feel like he was on my boob and that I'd fallen asleep. Because I was so close to falling asleep. You have to really slap yourself and they're feeding on you. I'm not joking. Yeah, and then you thought he was still attached to your boob. I would just wake up thinking he was still on me and that he was down in the bed. And so I'd rip the duvet off.

20:12Rip the duvet off, going crazy. And Jamie was like, he's literally there and he was snoring next to us in his little cot. The thirst you had. This is what I don't understand. As soon as you start... As soon as he latched. As soon as he latched, Sophie was like, I'm so thirsty. That's not unacceptable that no one warned you about that. That is like, you need to drink the ocean. And your tit was about as big as my head. It was honestly... I've never known anything like that. I've never seen a boob so colossal in all my... Why are you saying boob? Because it was two. Yeah, I know. But one of your boob...

20:46I didn't just have a super boob. One of your boob... I did have a super boob. So proud of one boob that really worked. The other one didn't work so much. I was trying to level them out, but it just wasn't growing. Like one of them was like, whoa. And the other one was like. And Ziggy was like. Hey, can you even get a bra on a K? It was absolutely colossal. It was like putting a watermelon in a bra. It was honestly so big. And Sophie would try and give Ziggy her other boob, the one, the shit one. And he would be like, he'd go, ah, I don't want it. so you'd only latch onto the super boob that was basically mutating into this.

21:25I thought the boob was going to become a person. Honestly, I was going to wake up and Sophie was going to be a boob. Honestly, it was growing by day. It was so... Also, when you first come out and you can first eat the food that you can't eat during pregnancy for the first time, how delicious was that for you? Nothing will compete with that delicious sushi. Straight away we went and had sushi It was unbelievable And like also you're just I've never felt hunger like that You think you're hungry when you're pregnant Fuck that Breastfeeding That's like middle of the night You need to get me a burger I've never experienced hunger What?

22:00You know that I was We're not going to go back into this I don't remember that I do remember that I do remember when you were trying to be on a health kick I do remember when you were trying to be on a health kick And you had a bag of healthy granola and you ate the whole bag and you turned it around it was 2 ,000 calories I ate a whole bag of like this chocolate I felt healthy delicious it was like chocolate granola nutty thing it was bark granola bark one bite in the whole packet oh my god it was divine 2 ,000 calories in one go I was like perfect perfect oh my god you was furious well you little sassy girl okay sassy boy so that sushi was the nicest thing you've had The sushi's the nicest thing.

22:44I do, I was thinking that we should be doing more. And now we're talking about how when he was so little. Yeah, we want to live. We want to live. Like I really, after watching Coachella, like I need to live. She's obsessed with Coachella. She's obsessed with Coachella. And it's made me reevaluate my whole life. And like I really urge everybody to watch it and just decide to live. Sophie's like, Sophie actually said to me when she watched Coachella, I know it was a few weeks ago, whatever. When she watched Bieber at Coachella, Sophie said that she couldn't actually watch it because it was like watching an ex-boyfriend.

23:14No, I feel... She couldn't watch it because it was like watching an ex-boyfriend. I wouldn't care to watch an ex-boyfriend. It was like... You said it was like watching an ex-boyfriend. And I know you don't want to say that because you think Hayley Beebe is going to be watching this and potentially you're going to be friends with. That's what you're thinking in your head. No, I... Oh no, I wouldn't because... Hayley, if you're listening... No, it wasn't. Hayley doesn't give a fuck. It was worse than that. It was like watching... I was upset watching it because I thought, I will never meet him and he will never meet me.

23:41and we will never be together. You're getting all shy now. Hayley's going to come at you. I watch it because I love her. Like the whole thing was just like... Is he that hot? Yes. I might. I can't. A spit in my mouth. Yeah. It's something else happened. The believers got brought back into life at Coachella. I don't know what happened. It reignited something in me and I'm going to live. It actually changed me. Tell me. You taught me through it. it's like firstly it's upsetting but I'm going to be real really real now it's as upsetting as it is for me to watch Vampire Diaries like I physically I'm in love with those characters not the real people because we've met him by the way just a quick caveat on this we met Sophie's hall pass on a night out yeah it's been so long since we've spoken to you guys yeah we met Sophie's hall pass on a night out which is Stefan from Vampire Diaries I actually need to talk about this because I think what happened was no it was Damon from Vampire Diaries we got invited to go to this drinks thing with him obviously everyone seems to know that i'm like a super fan and as we came in he was wearing this little like cowboy hat that looked like it was from a souvenir shop but like he's he's gorgeous i will say he's shorter than jamie everybody and for some reason i was obviously kind of getting thrown on him because the people who invited us knew that i was a fan i've never seen sophie's more like coy in her life and i was like hang on a second what do you think is actually going to happen here you go you guys are going to go home and shag.

25:08No, but he's got a wife. Sorry? He's got a wife. You have a husband? Like, you have a husband? Who was there? What's the point in having a hall pass if you can't live in a hall pass? Do you really think... I know you're playing with me here. Do you really think... Jamie, if you meet Kylie Jenner, you have your best shot, my wishes. She's not my hall pass. Yes, she is. No, she's not my hall pass. No, you're doing that because you think you're going to be mates with Tim Pee Chalamet. No. Kylie's not my hall pass. She's not my hall pass. Kylie Jenner's not my hall pass. Who's your hall pass? I don't know.

25:42Sydney Sweeney? I bet she was. When we watched that stupid film, The Housemaid, Jamie literally... Sorry, Sydney Sweeney, you're a good actor, great for you, but like, fuck me, the role is not funny. Jamie was like, oh my God, what a good line! I was like, she's literally mopping up the table. Like, there's nothing funny about that character. Ah! She's so good, Sydney. She's really good with no makeup, doesn't she? That's what boys like. I was like okay So going back to Damien What happened? Damien obviously Because he couldn't understand why Everyone was like thrusting me on him So I think he thought He was here promoting his whiskey I think he thought I was like a big investor So he kept selling the whiskey to me So I was there like You know breastfeeding So I'm not drinking any of this whiskey anyway Six glasses of different whiskey He was like taste this one This is like smooth And then can you feel it tingling your lips I was like pretending to drink all of these whiskeys so close to my face we were literally like our noses were touching did you nearly go I nearly went I went I'll drink have your glass you big old creep what do you mean if he had turned to you and said Sophie Sophie hey I think we should go home together what would he have said I'd have asked you and what do you think I would have said sure go hey Damon have a fun night what do you think I would have done no I wouldn't have said he was so young well listen ladies and gentlemen on that note As always, we get to that point in the episode When it's time to read out some of your glorious messages It's time for Listener's Messages This is an advert from Aveeno Right, Jamie, I need to talk to you about your skincare routine Or lack of one My skin is brilliant Look how young I look And also, firstly, I wash my face, that counts Okay, but you need to be doing a routine every day And you need to be using this Always another thing, what is this one?

27:35It's the Avena Karma Resort Moisturizing Lotion. It's got SPF 50 in it, so your skin is protected from sun damage and pollution. It's non-greasy. It's unbelievable. It's easy to apply. Slather that all over you and call it a day. Okay, so I slather this all over you. If I put this on, I'm just going to put it on, right? Yeah, I'm going to slather it on and put it all over my face. But we live in London. Why do men put it on in that way? Like, why do you... It smells divine and it's smooth. And it's not greasy and it's so silky smooth. But we live in London, okay? There's sun. No, it's raining the whole time.

28:04There's still UV rays and there is still pollution and you need to protect your skin from that, especially as you cruise around on that little vesper of yours. So wait, I've had a baby, so I don't have time to do all this kind of stuff. This is amazing. You've had a baby. I've had a baby. We've both had a baby. Can you do it? Well, I manage. Okay, honey, I love the... I'm in. That is amazing. Here we go. Can I take this one? No, get your own. Love that.

28:31Well, ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Listeners Messages. We've got a voice note from... Emily. We're going to play it. Here it is. Hi, Jamie and Sophie. Congratulations on the new arrival. I'm so happy the podcast is back. I have a story for you. My fiancé and I have been together for six years, and I've basically never had any doubts about our relationship until I found something out about him that honestly makes me question everything. We would talk about growing up, puberty, and having those kind of feelings for the first time. And he casually told me that when he first started wanking, he had no idea of how to dispose of his fluids, shall we say?

29:13So he used to wank into an old fabric softener bottle, which he kept under his bed and reused. So this went on for a long time, and he slowly built up quite the collection until one day the bottle disappeared. He was embarrassed and assumed his mum basically found the bottle and chucked it away until a few days went by. He was doing some jobs for his mum. He went into the utility room to cut some laundry where he saw his trusty bottle on the side with the rest of the cleaning product. His mum had found the bottle but had no idea that it was filled with his cum. He quickly chucked it in the outside bin and never asked her whether she'd actually added it to the laundry or not.

29:53And no, I don't know why he didn't just use a tissue. What I want to know is would you call off the wedding if he found out this about your fiancé. No! Sorry, why have we never spoken about the fact cum looks exactly like fabric softener? It's literally the same consistency, the same colour, the same texture, not the same smell. That is fucking hilarious. That is hilarious. I just don't understand. Like, that is so much wanking. That is so much. Years and years and years. 75 % of women who seek menopause care don't receive it. The lying awake at 3 a.m. wondering what's happening to your body ends now.

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33:14There's a wanks in a bottle. Into a fabric softener. My mom is while pouring it. Oh my God. Also, also you're at that age when you first started, you're doing it quite a lot. I think that's so funny and I would not call off a wedding for that. Would you not call off a wedding? I would probably say it in the speech. Not your speech, but the best man should say that in the speech, right? What would you call the wedding off for then? If you were like still breastfeeding on your mum. I wouldn't want you to still be wanking into a fabric conditioner bottle at this age. If you came into the room. Because it was when he was younger, right?

33:44Okay, but if you came into the room now, into our bedroom, and I was wanking into a fabric softener, what would you do? I'd be really witted out. I'm really upset I'd be very I don't want I wouldn't want to see you having a wank now What do you think it would look like? I know what it'd look like but I wouldn't want to see you having a wank to like presuming you'd be wanking over something right? Just like oh god I can't really talk about it Yeah let's talk about that Maybe they're like some sort of troll in the corner I hunched over Get out Sophie Get out Okay come on read one to me Okay I've got a wild a birth story from Katie.

34:25All right. I wanted to share my birth story for the podcast. When I was 19, four days from the due date of my first daughter, I started feeling quite unwell. So I called 111 who sent a paramedic to come and check on me. When he arrived, he said, no, you're fine and advised me to go to the hospital when my waters break. Myself and my partner went to bed, but I woke up in the night with contractions. My waters hadn't broken, so we just called my mom over and sat watching Harry Potter while timing my contractions. I then got a sudden urge to go for a poo so quickly I made my way to the toilet And when I looked down and saw this round bump coming out of my vagina My mum came in and said oh my god get on the floor the baby is coming out and shouted to my partner call 999 Cut to a few minutes later.

35:07I've got a community weird drive between my legs a paramedic stood in the bath My mum sat on the toilet and my partner squashed in under the sink looking as pale as it goes My waters didn't break until she was nearly out, but she was absolutely perfect and healthy The paramedics in Izzy and Anne and my midwife were fantastic and were so grateful to them It was Izzy's fast bath on the job I've attached a picture of them with baby Eloise for you Best of luck on your parenting journey Oh my god Oh my god darling Sweetness Can I just understand? Wait, can I just understand? So that happens? That happens?

35:39Well I told you, yeah That's what it felt like, you need to push But it feels like you just need to push out of poo Into the loo? Well, that's why I took a photo. Famously, I know. Midway through, I thought, I've always been told it feels like you need to do a poo. So what if this is in fact my baby coming out? Okay, I've got one from Anonymous. You ready for this? It's a wild story. Hi, Jamie and Sophie. I'm so happy to have the podcast back. I wanted to share a funny story with you. When I was 18, I was staying at my nan's for the weekend and had my new boyfriend over while she was out at bingo.

36:12Neither of us had had sex before and I thought the house was empty, which was the perfect opportunity. I bought candles opened some wine and things were actually going surprisingly well But just as things were getting frisky on the sofa, we heard our keys at the front door In the pure panic of us trying to get dressed he pulled the half-used condom off And shoved it down the side of the armrest By the time my nan walked into the living room, we were fully clothed and as far as I could tell It just looked like we were having a date night He went home soon after and I thought nothing more of it That was until about a week later when my parents got a call on the house phone.

36:47Oh my god. Turns out Nan hosts a weekly book club with some of her friends. That night, one of them dropped a pen in between the sofa cushion. Instead of retrieving it, pulled out our week old condom. Why would you call the parents? Thankfully my Nan saw the funny side and loves to bring it up at every family occasion possible, much to my embarrassment. Her friends didn't quite find it funny though, and apparently she's not hosted a book club at her house since. so upsetting oh her friends being so yeah I don't understand why you wouldn't just if you knew the condom was there just go and get it out fish it out because you would forget wouldn't you I wouldn't you would do it would you not I would not forget that my dirty boyfriend's condom is down the side of my nan's sofa I would lie in bed thinking about it like I need to get up and go and take that away from her okay give me another one honey I got one from Beth so excited for you to be back and congratulations on your gorgeous new baby i wanted to share my own story of becoming a parent with you during my first scan with my first baby the doctors discovered that i had ovarian cancer at 15 weeks pregnant i had an operation to remove the tumor my fallopian tube and ovary luckily everything was fine i delivered a healthy baby boy at 37 weeks congratulations we desperately wanted another baby but after three years of unsuccessful attempts.

38:12I was told that because of the cancer and other fertility problems, I absolutely couldn't get pregnant again naturally. Whilst we were deciding what to do next, my sister told me that we should just get married as it was what we wanted, but we had been putting it off and think about the baby situation later. I got off the phone to my sister and booked a wedding immediately. Two weeks later, I found out that I was already pregnant. We got married when I was 35 weeks pregnant and I delivered a healthy baby girl at 37 weeks by a c-section. Three years later I had another baby girl but completing our perfect little family.

38:45Now 17 years down the line my babies are growing up into incredible young adults. Sadly my sister passed away in May after a very sudden and aggressive cancer diagnosis. I was with her for the duration of her illness and your podcast has got me through the most difficult times of my life so I wanted to thank you both. Beth I'm so sorry Oh Beth About your sister Beth we're sending you So much love Sending you so much love And congratulations On your three Beautiful children We adore you Beth And we love you We love you Listen guys All of those stories Are amazing Thank you so So much And we love Hearing your stories Okay And we really want To make listeners' messages A huge part of Newly Parents Don't we So please Please please Send us messages To share on the podcast You can be anonymous You can also send us a voice note Our number is in the show description You can sign into our DMs at Newly Parents Podcast Send us an email Newlyparents at jamperproductions.co.uk We will respond We will see them And we would love to hear from you Send us all of the stories Anything at all We want to hear from you That's the end of Listeners Messages

39:54Well How are you feeling? As sleepy as an old goat You're as sleepy as an old goat By the way, speaking of goats, I'm not even kidding you. We haven't even spoken about what noises our baby makes. Ziggy makes all these noises. When Ziggy first came home when you fed him milk through your breast, do you remember he glugged with an American accent? Do you remember this? When he used to go... Yeah, it was. Jamie was like... I can hear his tone of his voice. I was like, he's two days old and he's not making a noise. He's drinking. Honey, he was drinking with an American accent. What voice do you think he has now?

40:31Do an American accent. No, no, no. Do an American accent. Just do it naturally. Hello, my name's Sophie. Girl, girl, girl. It was like... That's what it was. He used to go... Do you hear the American twang, guys? That, and he also would sound like a goat.

41:00the whole time I was like what's that noise no one warns you these things you think the baby's only gonna wake you up and be noisy when they're crying no they don't they're never crying it's throughout the night it doesn't stop nothing ever my son I'm like always saying my son I go to Jamie I go my son and he's like he's our son he's like I need to go and look after my son I'm like I need to out-sess and be with my son. Right, listen, my son's legs, he's literally tries to do a backflip. Yeah, it's like a whale's tail that comes out. Yeah, he's so advanced. All right, listen, ladies and gentlemen, it's time now for the judgment jar.

41:39The judgment jar is very simple. It's where we have something that I've done or you've done that have annoyed us in the week, and we're going to try and talk about it without arguing and then put it into the jar and move on. Very simple judgment jar. Okay, you get it? Yeah. So this week, Sophie Haboo, you get to write on your little card and put it in the jar what has annoyed you that I've done. Are you ready for this? I'm super ready. Let's go. Oh, you've really written yours down. Go on then. Spill it. No arguing. That's the rule. Stinky yogurt bowl. It's so vile. It gives me the egg. I really am over the yogurt bowl after every single meal.

42:16Sorry. It doesn't give me the egg. That's so mean. After I have my food, I have a bowl of yogurt and that icks you out. The yogurt bowl. I can't explain it. It's like the bowl comes. It's like, I'm still finishing a carrot. Like the carrot is in my mouth. He's like, gotta get my yogurt bowl. The bowl's out. I'm like, fucking hell, relax. How excited did you get for that yogurt bowl? every day. And explain what's in my yogurt bowl. Yogurt. Falsy, I actually just think it's wasted calories because I don't think this would be tasty. I'm like, if you're going to do it, do it properly. It's yogurt.

42:45Then he puts some stupid jelly in it. Yeah. Delicious jelly. With sour, sour Greek yogurt. Yeah. And then he puts those Choccy covered frozen raspberries Which are banging But like eat them on their own And the blueberries And the blueberries And put it in there And then grape nuts And then grape nuts and tots It's the most delicious thing In the entire world I personally just don't understand Why you wouldn't have Grape nuts and milk with sugar No that's not a dessert On episode 10-10 That's not a dessert Okay I'll give you another one then Jelly And ice cream Delicious yeah Why yogurt? Sour milk Yogurt's more healthy than ice cream or the frozen fruit things please just have on their own they get clogged in with the yogurt and it's just not good okay fine that's your one put in the judgment jar no arguing right i'll take it for you here we go thank you very much right all right my one to pop in the jar right is that sophie calls me sensitive even though you sophie are sensitive too what it is is that i don't take things so i i don't i'm not as deep as you you're very very deep soul i'm not a lovely give me a thing that i'm deep about one thing go everything i'm not deep me dyeing my hair you think that i worried about his proxies he would be like do you really want to dye your natural color is so gorgeous like oh so if i find that so sad that dye our son's gonna see that you dye your hair i'm like it's not that deep i'm just gonna say what is if your son is a sensitive soul like me i love how sensitive you i never said there's nothing wrong with that i just said that i i can't understand sometimes what you're talking about because i'm like what's upsetting all right i hear it i know it i see it listen ladies and gentlemen guys we love you dearly we love you dearly that you enjoy it we love you so much now before we disappear we have our little story time to end the episode right and you're going to tell the story okay and the story time this week is a bedtime story about three little pigs who went to a sex party oh and so are you ready honey and so you have to give it and it's just a little story to make us all drift off to sleep or whatever we're doing have a nice little time tell us the story of the three little pigs that went to a sex party so there were three little pigs that went to a sex party one was called jimmy and one was called chody and one was called tommy and chody said jimmy i really don't like that i have a chode please help me gain some confidence and jimmy said don't be silly we love a toad girls love toads and Tommy said I don't have a toad I've got a big

45:24no I think that we're gonna have a lovely time they went on an adventure they don't know yet they just wanted to let where the wind took them so they went out and the wind took them west west into the depths of Brighton. And in Brighton, they heard about a little thing called Killing Kittens. Killing Kittens. And they said, what's that? We don't want to kill any kittens. We love cats. And so off they went. Chodie, followed by Tommy, followed by Jimmy. And they opened the door to save all the killing cats. And alas, it wasn't cats that were being killed. it was lots of adults and they were having intercourse

46:14and Chody got down and he said do you know what it's time for me to bear it all and he had a great time and he went home and happily slept, the end fantastic in every way it's unbelievable ladies and gentlemen listen we're going to see you next week for another episode of Newly Parents. Good luck. Bye. Until then, if you're getting married. Good luck. If you're getting divorced. Good luck. If you're having a baby. Good luck. If you're single. Good luck. If you're... Whatever. You know what I mean. We'll see you next week for another episode. Good luck. Goodbye. Goodbye.

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50:13We love to see it.