The Police Broke Into Our House!?

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1:55Your future is waiting, and Walden is here to help you achieve it. Take the first step to make your impact. Visit waldenu.edu. Walden University. Set a course for change. Certified to operate by Shev I want to start this episode a little bit differently Oh God, with a little bone to pick with you I wouldn't jump in negatively like that I like your outfit and you get up You're looking like trendier as you get older Like snatched, trendy, sexy, cool You can say that again And you've whitened your teeth And they look glowing I wasn't going to start here Glowing the dark teeth I was not going to start here Can I just start by saying this?

2:36Because I don't think we've done this in a while. I just want to say hello to all you wonderful people listening to this show right now. Why are you putting your hands over your face? I'll just take a minute while you do this. Because I find this... You're fucking kidding me. I love you. I love all of you listeners. So then let me... This show has been going for a long time now. Like, we can't every episode start it with hello. Yeah, but you have to remember that so many people are listening to this and so many people are enjoying it on their day. There's probably a new listener. So I'm going to say hello to the OGs, the people who've been here since nearly weds a while ago.

3:09Obviously now newly parents, so you follow us on our entire journey. But perhaps you're a new person to the show and you just clicked on it and you're like, who the hell is this? What is going on? So I'm going to give you a quick little debrief on who I am. My name's Jamie. My name's... I'm five foot nine and a half. Five foot ten. He's five foot seven. I'm a great guy, empathetic, kind, charming, green eyes, blonde hair, gorgeous skin That's who I am, who are you? This is my hag of a wife I'm Sophie, his hag of a wife, nice to meet you And I just want to say, you guys absolutely rock And wherever you're listening to this episode, we're going to bring you a hell of a lot of fun today Because boy oh boy, a lot has happened in our lives But don't worry about it, it's not just about our lives, it pretty much is You would be really good with just a monologue a one man show without interviewing anyone or anything because you I've never met someone who loves to sound of his own voice other than your brother and my mum the legs in general actually yeah it's true actually it's more the Baineses it's not so much your dad's side no the Baineses don't talk that's my stepfather he does not talk no as in like it's not so much the heels you mean it's the heels it's not because have you not been to my cousins I love to talk Why don't you shake your little tatties at me still?

4:27Listen, my cousins, shout out Rose, David, Louisa, Geordie, Lottie, Tiffy. You live up in Scotland. No, they're just loud, but they don't monologue as much. And I love the heels. I love Penny. I love... But the heels, you, Emily, Zander, and Penny, like to... I reckon you could do 45 minutes with not coming up air and you would not realise that no one's answered you or replied. Probably would. Probably would. You, that little quiet mouse in the corner. I can't get a word in. can't get a word in well fight harder I actually do if you were swimming I don't think you know how to ask how are you it's like it's just you monologue about you I actually I think I'm too quiet for your family I never get asked a question do you remember the other day it's like what's your favourite dessert everyone's going around the table no one asked me everyone asked the whole table and then it gets to me and it's like it's the next conversation I'm like oh my sticky dolly mine's sticky no one asked me a question it's like I am invisible Can I give you the whole cold hard truth?

5:25Well No one cares I know Unless you're a heel We're not heels, we're legs No, but it's not your dad would ask me Your dad would ask me number one I'm who he would ask He'd want to know about me more than you What is your favourite dessert? I don't know I've been thinking about it since last weekend When you all had that conversation Have you come to a conclusion? I think that it is a pecan pie You said this last weekend I know, no, I said it under my breath and no one, everyone just went, oh, I think Jonathan actually went to meet Jonathan, Jamie, set that. I think he went, oh, American. And then...

6:04Speak louder. Listen, if we were on the Titanic and you were drowning and being in that cold water, you'd have to go and find the life. I actually don't mind it. I don't listen to any of you and I just go into myself and just daydream and eat my food and I have a lovely time and you're all just background noise and I don't have to verbally speak and I really enjoy my time. What are you daydreaming about? Just like thinking about life, what I'm going to do, what holiday I'm going to go on next, thinking about having a lion in 2048. Yeah, it's not going to happen for a while. It's not going to happen for a while, honey.

6:33Anyway, back to my point. You people who enjoy this show, welcome back. And to all of you new listeners, don't tell me to hurry up. I'm going to slow it down. Oh, please, I can't. I feel unwell listening to it. It's so long and dragged out. Just say thank you, guys. We love you. We're so grateful you listen. Enjoy the episode. Here we fucking go. That's a good start. Shall we kick it off then? Here we fucking go. Hello, I'm Jamie Leng. And I'm Sophie Leng. And now, we're Newly Parrots. Oh, yeah, we are, baby. Hello, everybody. Welcome back to Newly Parrots. It's, it's, it's, it's. Oosh, oosh, oosh, oosh, oosh.

7:12Straight in there with a big bang. The police came to our house. Yeah, they did, actually. Not even going to sugarcoat it this morning. I just need to I need to get this off my chest Not only the police Of my chesticles Sniffer dogs At 1am And they went And I was like My baby's sleeping Let's just Let's just draw it back Set the scene What's happened Go So I go to bed We've been in the country I'm really fucking tired I go to bed at about 9pm I always am I am out cold Okay Jamie comes to bed And something wakes us up So I wake up What was that? Don't know Nothing Then I need a wee So I go for a wee I get back into bed going off to sleep ding dong ding dong that's it at the door midnight it's at the door you your go-to thing is like you immediately get up and put clothes on like and I because I'm naked you're back naked but like I've just got a caveat even if Ziggy cries in the middle of the night guys just go out naked and rock your son you will put your box on and your top up night I'm scared I'm scared that a burglar or someone's gonna come in and they're gonna see me naked and I'm not gonna I'm gonna be attacking them with my huge wanger going over It's a good little sword for you.

8:20Yeah, yeah. I would just like swing it at them. Get out of here. Get out of here. Lasso them. So Jamie goes to go downstairs and answer the door to the policeman. And I go, no, no, wait. What if they're just policemen in disguise? So he's like, oh yeah, good idea. So he creaks back, goes to our window, opens the window. He's like, you all right, mate? That's how he does. He always puts on a voice. Or if like, caveat again, if Jamie gets lots of what they call prank calls, he'll never answer and be like, hello. He'll be like, hello. I'm like, anyway. You're right, mate? I put on a dominating voice.

8:53You're right, mate? And they're like, hey, the alarm's gone off. We think somebody's in your garden. We need to come in. They didn't say that. They said someone has broken in next door. We need you to, can you come open the door because we need to get into your house. There's four policemen, right? And there's like nino, nino flashing lights. So we're like, okay. This is good. We go downstairs and let them in. Just quickly, I need a caveat. I'm not going to say who it is, but we have a high profile person living on the street. Very high profile person. Anyway. Okay? Living on our street So we were like Okay this is mega I was terrified It was pretty scary Now I need to caveat this Okay?

9:26Back in the day I did a police show Alright? I did a police show It was called Famous and Fighting Crime I fought crime in Peterborough Alright? I was a special Which is a volunteer I was filmed for Two and a half weeks In Peterborough I know what the police force is like I've been in it I've suffered I've done it I've helped the law So what was your point? My point is this. When I opened the door, and this happens a lot with policemen, I opened the door and they looked at me and they saw it as me and they literally went, they changed and they literally went, they straightened up and they were like, they basically slew to me and I went, at ease, boys.

10:04At ease, lads. And they went, they went, thank, and in their minds, they were like, thank God it's him. And I was like, don't worry, lads. Listen, we get it. We get it. I'm here. What I think happened was, Anyway, What I think happened is they opened the door to Jamie Lang from Made in Chelsea, that little scallywag, and he was in some stupid pink cat boxers with bright pink cats on, a tank top with his balding biceps and his little dad belly and a little hair eye mask on his head. And he went, and they thought, fuck it out, he sure. And then down comes his wife. And what's she in? Nothing. in if only 90 she walked down the stairs and Sophie went hi boys boys I went hi boys with my leg with my hoof to be honest your toes would have reached them how long they are okay and I had my eye mask on and you know I like to tape my nose which I did when I was pregnant to not get the pregnant toes still do it fucking great hack come down with my nose tape on so you all thought I just had a nose job and we were both there like what's going on they looked in our garden they jumped over the gate they were like don't worry about it mate they go out no one's there it was by the way it was absolutely terrifying I wasn't scared at all I was shitting myself I was terrified these guys came in to the house it's like policemen in your house there's like five of them it's 1am my baby's sleeping five of them in the house and I was like this is quite intense they go into the garden they check they climb over the wall they go into the next door house to see what's happened the alarm's going off in the next door house they're like these people there's someone in the house no guys it's not the next door house what it was the high profile person who's like one house away from us right it was obviously for him so it must have alerted some like part in the police department because like it's not normal for one little alarm for all these policemen to come around to our house anyway what happened was we then they were like look nothing coast clear gardens fine sweet bye call us if any problems they leave the door we run I go they need to check the basement so Jamie scurries off them with his little pink cats on his boxes and goes guys can you my wife wants me you to check the basement they come in Then they go, right, there's going to be some dogs coming next.

12:17They're like, okay, they're like, we're going to wait outside until the dogs come. Jamie goes, go back to bed then. So I'm like, okay, this is so strange. Ten minutes later. Ding dong, ding dong. Income. Alsatians racing through our house. So they brought this... Sniffer dogging our house. They brought this Alsatian into our house. They brought this Alsatian. This Alsatian. Good luck. Taking that dog on. If that chased after you, I would play dead on the ground. It was so ready to take anyone down that its owner was like holding it back. It was enormous. I know. Anyway, checked our whole house.

12:57No one was there. No one had broken in. It was a complete false alarm, but it was absolutely exhilarating. Ziggy slept through it all. Ziggy slept through it all. But it was pretty, that really scares me. That does nothing to me. Why doesn't it scare you at all? Because I feel safe in the hands of the law. That's two times now we've pressed a panic button and the policemen are there in the sniff of a whippet. Anyway, so that was our bit of drama. I don't think we've got anything else to say. Our lives are very dull. Honey, I've got loads to say. Oh, go on. What's in your locker then? We also decided to drive to the countryside.

13:32Do you remember what happened on the way back from the countryside? I don't think I'm ever going to talk about that. Ever. So have you ever gone on like a long car trip, right? And like at some point what happens is is that you need to sort of stop off and go to the bathroom and take a pee and do it that way, right? We've all been there, right? Soph and I are in the car. We're coming back from the Cotswolds. It's not far. It's about an hour and... It's two hours and we're stuck in Stancil traffic. Okay, it's two hours. As an adult, you'd probably think that you'd probably go to the loo before and then you'd probably stop off on the way and go to the loo.

14:05We're driving back from the countryside, from the Cotswolds. We have Ziggy in the car. We're driving back. Ziggy's fussing. Ziggy's not fussing. That's how... Ziggy, I put for a nap in his car seat. He was snoozing away peacefully. Anyway, my point is this. We're driving and then suddenly Sophie says, I need a pee. And I'm like, okay, honey, don't worry. We'll stop at the next service station. Lies. Okay. We go... We get... I put Ziggy down for his nap. Well, he's in his nap, in his little seat. And I finally get him to sleep, okay? And I think, hell to the fucking yeah. sleeping I'm gonna nap for the rest of the journey Jamie's driving standstill traffic oh yeah this is what happened I'm like how long is this traffic for because we've only got 40 minutes till we get back to London I can hold on for this pee then bearing in mind I'm eight months had a baby eight months ago I can't hold on for any pee I wet myself daily and he's like right it's gonna take an hour and 40 now it's like standstill and I'm like suddenly you know when you get told you can't pee the pee ramps up and then you're like well, it's actually pouring out of my vagina right now and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

15:10I was clenching, but my pelvic floor, we all know I don't have one. And it was going to be a disaster. So Sophie went, I'm not kidding. Sophie went, Sophie went, Sophie went, pass a bottle. I said, pour your Evian water out of the window and pass me an empty bottle. So I drank the Evian and I was like, I've got this bottle. Anyway, I'm driving, right? I'm driving. Stansdale. It's not Stansdale, it's moving now. Stansdale, we would have just parked since I got out. Sophie is like desperate. So it's now moving. Traffic's moving. It's chaos. I'm like, oh my God. So I hand Sophie, I get the Avian bottle top off.

15:43Look at that. The hole is tiny. It's absolutely tiny. And I'm thinking there's no chance Sophie is going to do this. How big do you think my wee is? I have no idea. Anyway, I give it to Sophie. This is the vision you have to imagine. Also, we're on the motorway. People are driving past. Sophia Boo is in the back Squatting Over an Evian bottle And I'm thinking There is no fucking chance This is going to work I'm looking in my back mirror Seeing this What looks like Sounds like a hobbit

16:26Crouching over a tiny little Evian bottle Right, so then what happens? Anyway, she goes for it. The Airbnb bottle fills up pretty quick. No, that's not what happened. That's not what happened. You know when you decide in your head the wee's coming, so you let go of the trenches, you're gripped, and then you loosen it up. And as I'm loosening up, Jamie goes, you're not going to do it, you're not going to do it. Do it in Ziggy's used bottle, okay? I've got to just caveat, guys, there's no fucking way we would have thrown this bottle away, which we did. So he opens up Ziggy's little bottle. Because it had a bigger hole.

17:00So as he's saying that, I swap it in and I pee in this bottle. Guys, I don't know what I drink because that is an unhinged amount of fluid that came out of me. So you look like you nailed like 400 barocas. No, it didn't. That's like he literally adds in such like it was literally clear. I remember thinking this is so ungrossed because my pee is so watered down. Like it's basically water as it was spilling all over the car seat. Anyway, it's spilling after it's rotten. No, so anyway, it's going to the top of Ziggy's 280ml bottle. And I'm like, quick, quick. We have another saviour. Jamie picked some plums and put them in a plumb.

17:45She had to pee in my plumb bowl. In her plumb bowl. So I had the bottle on top of the plumb bowl and the plumb bowl filled up. And then we drove all the way home with a bowl of pee in the front seat. and Ziggy's milk bottle with my peat on up with the lid just there wobbling around. I tried to like put all the trunks and baby wipes. It was like, it was a lot. Obviously we threw the pan bowl away and we threw the bottle away. There was no amounts of sterilizing that would have saved that. And Ziggy slept through it all. God, it's good. Magda, have you ever had a situation like that? I have. oh here we go bring it home producer tell us harvey and i used to have a camper van and we sometimes we just like park up on the roadside and you know no one ever stops you one night we parked in this car park in cornwall that said absolutely no overnight parking and we're like it'll be fine it'll be fine anyway there was toilets in the car park so at 7am i'm like come on i need to go need to go need to go they don't get opened until nine o 'clock in the morning and i am on the fucking cusp i'm like i am gonna piss myself and it was one of those camp fans that's got like a kitchen and stuff inside and in there was a big saucepan for like cooking like baked beans and stuff and I was like I'm gonna have to piss in the saucepan quite a big saucepan I was like I've been to festivals like I'll be able to aim into this big old saucepan so I squat in the camper van aim the stream to the pan completely missed how far away from the pan are you squatting on it I was like squatting but like a good like you know half a foot above because I didn't want and like sit on the van.

19:25It just went all over the floor. Just everywhere. Why does it do that? It like sprays out at the worst angle. But like you never know. Like sometimes it's a neat little thin line and then sometimes it's just out. So whenever you've had a spray tan, you know that it's just going to pee all down your leg. Like why? I've never, ever, ever gone to the loo and had like pee going not just down the loo, but the minute I get a spray tan, you best believe it's going all down my leg. Why? Why does that happen? I don't know. the worst for guys is I don't know why this happens and it happens a lot and the guys in here we can all agree you need the loo it's quite bad you're like okay fine and guy what happens is you go to the urinal and you slightly you pull down your trousers your jeans whatever you're wearing and it's when they're just a little bit too tight it's a little bit too tight and you get your penis over the top or out your fly and you just squeeze it out through the boxes and you start peeing and it's like it's that moment where you just like you know you release the pressure off it and it suddenly just goes.

20:24Right? To all the men who are listening, they'll understand that. Anyway, you think you've finished. You're like, oh, I finished. And then you tuck your penis back in. As soon as you tuck it back in and zip up, it pees again. Like, it's all the pee that you haven't let out just floods out down your trousers. Happens to me probably twice a month. Rafi? Yeah, it nods. And if you're wearing khaki trousers, it's like, oh, so then you have to go to the tap and get loads of water and be like, and spray it on yourself and be like, oh, the tap exploded I'm so sorry I beg your pardon what in the God's name just happened so you that's what happens you men just piss yourself twice a month what happens is is that it's where you're wearing it's where you're in a bit of a rush you've got tight trousers on or your boxers are tight can't you clench your penis you can't quite get your penis out so with your penis right if I was to pee and I could pee it would come out if I was to pee and hold my penis the pee wouldn't come out it would get stuck and that actually hurts it's a nightmare it's absolutely heinous beyond belief that's why now I told you now when I take a pee I go and sit down and I know what men should be doing in the fashion world is like making because you're also god damn lazy and inept like you need to be making trousers that have like a secret popper that you can just whack your cock out and do a quick pee easy cock is so aggressive I don't know why so your penis say willy no that's icky Willie's icky if you wanted me to get naked what would you say get your cock out never said it to you that's why you don't know never in a million years because the reason why I ask that is because we need to work out what we're going to call our private section when it comes to our kids I know what are we so what are we telling you winky winky and I'll tell you why joking my friend Victoria my friend Victoria shout out Victoria we love you Victoria we love you Victoria she called my vagina a winky when I was about 12 whenever I met her 14 and so I sorry explain the situation when she met it what happened when she met my vagina she we called our vaginas a winky so we'd be like oh my god your winky's out and I never knew all these years that that's actually the name for a little boy's willy your winky is out when would your winky be out just you know on a banana boat in your like bikini going to the side she'd be like your winky's out it's winking at her And I think it's a cute name Listen Girls' vaginas have lots of names So I feel like a boy's I need to understand this Let's run through the names that you know for a vagina Go Muff Good start Muff Badger Vag Pussy Nice Fanny Quim Quim?

23:11Yeah, Quim Quim sounds like a fish Yeah, a twat Oh, I hate that word Beef flaps Are you just making up what you think the vagina looks like? No, these are what... Labias? No one calls a vagina a labia. No one calls it, oh yeah, I had a good look at her B flap last night. I actually think some men have. I'm afraid. That's vile. Those men need to be in the bin. Magda, any other names? You know what I miss people saying? I've not heard it in ages. Snatch. Oh, snatch is a good one. Because it's like snatch, baby. Look at my snatch. Vajayjay. Vajazzle Wizard sleeve Wizard sleeve Wizard sleeve A wizard's pocket Minge Oh my god of course Ewan would come out with Minge It's the most ugly name for a girl's vagina You can tell he's never been interested in this Look at her Minge Okay so what do you call a willy?

24:08Nothing Willy penis dick Cock Purple ferret What? Are you making these up? No Sausage Sausage is a good one Knob Knob Purple womb ferret That is one, isn't it? Womb ferret Guys, what other names are there for penises? Schlong Schlong Schlong's good The Collins Dictionary says John Thomas John Thomas, yeah A Johnson Kira's found some absolute bangers Are you ready for these? Trojan cock Trojan cock Let's have a Here we go, I can't wait Purple-headed yogurt slinger Meat stick Meat stick A spitting cobra One-eyed monster One-eyed monster. Trouser snake. Trouser snake. One-eyed monster, I actually think is genius because they are like a one-eyed monster.

24:53Okay, because you look a little bit like today, like a foreskin. If you got this sort of smoothness, if you were going to try and do an impression... Of a bell-end, just... Of my penis. Try and do an impression on my penis. No, I'm going to... Do an impression on my penis. Listen, you're beating a dead horse. Every episode, you're trying to get me to do an impression of X, Y, and Z. I'm not doing an impression of what your penis would sound like. Not sound like, look like. Do it. What would it look like? Go. Try and do it. Try and do it. This is stupid. And anyway, you always talk about listeners.

25:23They can't listen to what my face is doing. Don't worry. Just try and do it. I don't want to do an impression of what your penis would look like. Fine, like this. It's wrinkly. Like that? It's like smooth or it's like this. Because it's like no foreskin. It's like smooth. It's like Botox up and smooth with one eye. and also quite snatched I said it before I'll say it again it's a lovely looking yoghurt slinger

25:57today's episode is unhinged I knew it would be alright everyone listen I think we need to take a little bit of a break from all of that and go into listeners messages what do we all think? it's time for listeners messages it's time for it's time for it's time for For listeners' messages!

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29:07Okay, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Listener's Messages. You know the drill. This is all the messages that you've sent in to our email or into our Instagram. Very simple. It's at Newly Parents Podcast on Instagram or Newly Parents at JamboardProductions.co.uk. Everything in the show description. You just keep sending them and you keep making us laugh. Here they are. I have a parenting story from Pippa. Hi, Pippa. Hey, Jamie and Sophie, I've got quite a funny parenting story to tell you both. Great. When my son was around three years old, we were still struggling to potty train him. Although he resisted a lot at first, he started coming around to finding it easier once we introduced a sticker chart that had a reward at the end of each week.

29:43That is such a great idea. Love that. However, one night I woke up to the sound of tiny feet running coming towards the bedroom. And when I looked up, he'd come into the room with the biggest grin on his face. He told me proudly that he'd done a poo All by himself And wanted to show me However, when I started walking towards the bathroom near his room He grabbed my hands and started pulling me downstairs I was confused to say the least And I asked him why we were going downstairs He insisted I follow him, so I did When we got downstairs, he pointed at our cat's litter box And excitedly said, poo At this point I was too exhausted to say or do anything other than usher him back to bed and deal with the mess.

30:26I had to carefully explain to the next morning that only cats are allowed to go in the litter box. Not humans. Love the pod. That is so cute. Adorable. That's so cute. If Ziggy did that, I would get Ziggy on the ground and take a photo of him giving me a thumbs up next to it because I'd be so proud and put that on our fridge. I would frame it. I would frame that poo. I'd put it in like a long... You know when you get... Frame the poo? I meant frame the picture. You know when you get, you know model boats, you put them in like a bottle and you put them on the side? I would do that with his poo.

30:58Somehow I'd get his poo into a bottle and I'd put it up on the shelf. I've got one. A wild story from Priscilla. Priscilla. Priscilla. Priscilla's a unique name. Elvis Presley. Just not many people are called Priscilla anymore. Okay. Hi Jamie and Sophie, the pod is life. I have a wild story I will never live down. I was running ridiculously late to my cousin's wedding at this gorgeous modern arty hotel but when I arrived I was absolutely desperate for a wee. The ceremony had already started, I had no idea where the toilets were and I genuinely couldn't hold it for another second. I was rushing around outside, I spotted this tiny hidden courtyard with a tree in the middle.

31:37The whole hotel was covered in weird reflective glass and the courtyard looked completely private so I thought screw it, I feel sick. I pulled out my dress. I squatted behind the tree, had the world's quickest wee, and sprinted inside. I quietly slipped into a seat and then looked towards the front. My heart stopped. Right beside the bride and groom was the courtyard. The tree. Turns out the reflective glass was only one way. I couldn't see in, but the entire wedding could see out. I had just squatted directly in front of the whole ceremony and weed on a tree whilst they watched. I actually can't believe it.

32:14That is one of the best stories we've ever had. Thankfully, I'm not that close to that side of the family anyway. And after both metaphorically and literally pissing on my cousin's big day, I think I'll keep it that way. God, you just have to imagine this. Imagine the whole ceremony, just sitting down at this. And then, like, out the back, you just suddenly see this person, like, looking around at me. And they can't see. Yeah, they are. Pull their dress up, pass them out. They can't see. And you're going, can she not see us? And then looking around, quite frantic and just lifting it up and going...

32:52That is one of the best ones. All right, dating story from Lola. Hi, Jamie and Sophie. I matched with this guy on Hinge last year and we clicked immediately. After a few months of dating, I went to his parents' house for dinner. The second his dad opened the door, he just stared at me. He asked my surname, where I grew up, and then suddenly said, what's your mum's name? When I told him, his face completely dropped He disappeared upstairs and then came back with an old photo album He opened up to a picture of himself in his 20s with his arm around a woman It was my mum No way Turns out they dated for nearly five years They were engaged And even had a wedding venue booked But broke up a few months before the wedding, I've got goosebumps And eventually both met other people I immediately rang my mum Who screamed When I told her whose house I was sitting in We've now been together for two years And our parents recently met again For the first time in over 30 years Shut up Thankfully everyone gets on brilliantly Although our dads have agreed That if we ever get married My mum is absolutely not allowed to make a speech Apparently there are some stories Neither of us need to hear That is amazing Some of these stories we get are insane That's like unbelievable Can I just say, I would feel a bit worried for like both the mom, the other mom, like the other side of the couple.

34:11Because I'd be like, were they meant to be together and they didn't see each other for 30 years and now they're back in each other's lives. What if they fall in love again? There's an amazing artist called Marina Abramovich. She's incredible. You should listen to her on the Louis Theroux podcast, shout out. It's great. Anyway, she basically had this love of her life, a guy, right? And they were together in their 20s or 30s and they were so in love. What they did is they realized that their love would ruin their art. So they decided not to be together because they were two artists and they couldn't be together for the love of art.

34:40So what they did is they started at two ends of the Great Wall of China. They walked the whole thing, met in the middle, embraced, hugged, kissed, said their goodbyes and never saw each other again. That's what they did. They were in love. What? Yeah, it's mad. Okay. Marina Abramovich, right, then went off and did this amazing piece of art. Oh, I know, yeah. Because she's all about real life experiences where she would sit in a chair in a room in an art gallery. And people would come in and sit opposite her. It was on a table. She would open her eyes. And for one minute, you would sit in silence staring at each other.

35:15Then the minute would go, she would close her eyes. You would walk off and go. Her long lost lover decided to come see her. And he walked in and he sat opposite her in the chair. She opened her eyes and saw him for the first time in 30 odd years, whatever it is. You can watch on YouTube. We'll leave a link in the show description. it is it's unbelievable incredible you can see and feel the love between them and the respect and he looks at her and he just shakes his head in like that most amazing like I can't believe it's you way she sits back she wipes her tears closes her eyes again and he gets up and walks away and a new person comes and sits down it's incredible so do you think they ever ended up together no they didn't they're not together no she loved art too much and he did as well it was for the love of art it's just I think love Love is more better than art.

36:03But anyway, that's amazing for them. Love story from Diana. That was an anti-climax in the end. No, it's an incredibly beautiful thing, but they should just be together. I thought I explained that quite well. Okay, love story from Diana. My sister and I were doing a big clean and recently found hundreds of love letters from our dad to our mom. Wow. You should do that for me and see if you can find them years later. I've got love letters from when I was younger. Oh, perfect. To another woman. Yeah, called Hannah. Great. I should bring them in. I'm going to bring in the love letters. Okay. My parents met when they were six and seven years old Shut up Growing up in rural Ireland Dad was the naughty kid who teased mum She'd chase him around and everyone except them Knew they fancied each other Mum's family eventually moved to Manchester But they continued writing to each other for years One day mum sent dad a letter saying she was moving back to Ireland But somehow it never reached him Mum thought he knew she was coming back And he didn't care enough to reply When dad later decided to leave Ireland himself He chose Manchester specifically because he hoped he might bump into mum again.

37:02Meanwhile, she was already back in Ireland. Eventually, while visiting home, dad walked into a pub and there she was behind the bar. They married two years later, went on to spend 35 years together, had four beautiful children and were truly the happiest. Sadly, we lost my mum to breast cancer last year and we were all truly devastated. We decided it would be best for my dad to move in with my sister as he also had health complications. So my sister and I were helping him clear the house. when we discovered all her old letters. Their marriage was the greatest love story and watching them love each other so completely made me believe that love like theirs really is possible.

37:37That's so beautiful and I'm so sorry for your loss. And I love you guys so much. That is so beautiful. That is amazing. It's amazing. Hey, listen, your messages are the best. They're magical. They're wonderful. They're just great. And it's part of the reason we do the show. So please keep sending them in. So simple. What you've got to do is sign into our DMs, Newly Parents Podcast on Instagram, or you can send us an email, newlyparents at jamperproductions.co.uk. That is the end of... That is the end of... Listeners, L-I-S-T-E-N. Listener, listen, this L-I-S-T-E-N-E-R-S-M-E-S-S-A-G-E-S. Listeners, messages.

38:26So we got to give a little bit of an update on our beautiful baby Ziggy because it is newly parents to show. Can I just say something which is the most adorable thing and I was too tired to tell you this morning. The sweetest thing in the world. So at five o 'clock in the morning, he wakes up. And so we're like, okay, great. So I go to his little nursery room. I come in there and he's awake and he's just looking so cute. It's five in the morning. And I think it's five in the morning. Maybe he probably needs to go back down to sleep or maybe he's a little bit tired. So I see what happens. So I walk over to him and I start like patting him on like his back.

38:57And he's sort of looking at me and he looks tired. So he starts to fall back to sleep again. And he falls back to sleep, right? In this position where he's lying on his front, right? With his head to the side. But he's put his legs up underneath him, his knees up. So he's kind of like what you would look like back in the womb with your legs tucked under. Baby position. And his bum is in the air. And his hands are there and he's on the side of that. And he falls asleep like that. I can't bear him I was like I can't physically bear my own soul I was like are you kidding me he's too much it was the cutest thing that I've ever seen in my entire life like he started to eat solids right so he eats his curries he had a curry the other day he ate apparently by the way I just saw so shock I grew up with a nanny right and I just went and saw my nanny who was my nanny for so many years she's called Julie she's incredible she was amazing I have not Since the day I met you, I have non-stop heard about Julie.

39:55Anyway, I saw Julie for the first time in years. And it was amazing to see her. When did Julie start working with you? When I was around about nine years old. And why? Because we had gone off to boarding school. But Julie lived with you? Yeah. Until you were nine? Yeah. And then you just, boof, go talk to Julie again. Yeah, trauma. Yeah, yeah. You should really talk to Julie. Is Julie lovely? Divine. Tough. Julie's tough. Julie was really strict. She's tough. Oh, yeah. Julie is tough. Even meeting her today, is she so strict? Yeah, she's tough. Julie's tough. A northern tough lady. And I said to her today, she was talking about her baby, her son, Oliver, who's 21.

40:33And I was like, and Oliver, what was Oliver like growing up? He was sitting there. And Julie went, well, he couldn't put a foot wrong because I'm his mum. And Oliver went, that's true. So that's Julie. Anyway, my point of the story was this. Turns out my son, Ziggy, is like me reincarnated. Ziggy the other day ate like a whole vegetable curry. Like it was like obviously mashed up, but he ate the whole thing. Apparently when I was four years old, I ate a whole human size steak and kidney pie. Judy said she took me to a park, like where you see animals and stuff. And the guy who owned the cafe bought over a pie, said, we've only got this.

41:13And she was like, he'll eat that. And the guy was like, if he eats that, I'll give you a free pudding. and apparently I ate the whole thing and ice cream. Judy was both feeding it to you by the end. Give me the free pudding. Judy wanted that pudding, yeah. And then he fed the whole thing to me. I ate the whole thing and then had pudding afterwards. And my boy Ziggy is exactly the same. He eats everything. Ziggy, he's just a dream boy. I'm not going to lie, guys. Like, he really is so dreamy. Oh, he's just beautiful and just wonderful. I would love Julie to come around for dinner. Like, I need to ask Julie every single question.

41:45In fact, can we ask Julie to come on the podcast? I don't think Julie would want to do a podcast She might want to do a podcast How long is she in London for? Two days Well I would like her to come for dinner tonight We'll FaceTime her And you can get all the stories And you can bring it on to next episode How about that? I can't believe that like Julie was with you so much Like I'm just so fascinated by it Julie knows everything Like I can't believe she just went Did you cry when she went? Yeah Did you This is so bizarre to me That you just had this lady live with you Until you were eight And then she just poof and you just never spoke to Julie again.

42:18Never. I did speak to her, but I was, you know, you didn't have phones or anything. I didn't, you know, I was eight, nine. That's old. So that's the update on our beautiful baby boy. I've been thinking about last week's episode. Yeah. And I've been thinking about that real icky moment when I sort of stepped across to you and maybe you saw her in my butt and just that whole conversation that happened, right? Yeah. I mean, it hasn't really left my mind. Not an ick. Not an ick. So I was thinking this week, we should discuss Relationship icks What people do in relationships That would really ick us out Oh I can't wait This is right up my street Okay so give me an example What is something that someone does In a relationship that really icks you out Go You do it sometimes Call things scrummy It's so icky Don't use the word scrummy Are you joking?

43:03Violently offended Mmm scrummy I just go Every time you do it What's yours? A relationship ick Which I don't actually find that icky I don't actually find it that icky. I find it vile, but I don't find it icky. When people squeeze each other's spots. Listen, I don't judge you. I don't think you're an icky person. I'm not like, ugh. I just think it is disgusting. The same way I think if you shit in front of your partner, it's disgusting. You do that. I do not. Yes, you do. I don't do that. I think if you take a poo in front of your partner, it's very disgusting and red flaggy, but I don't think it's icky.

43:38For me, ick is like, ugh, squirm. That's an ick. What about relationships when people share bath waters? Hey, just leave the water and I'll jump in after you. So icky. I've got a really, really icky one, which is what you do to me. So I guess it's icky, but when you do it to me, I really love it. But you're like, oh, what's your death row meal? Oh, it's got to be Jenny's roast. It's just unbelievable. Oh, it's a fucking potato. Is that good? Are you kidding me? But when you say it, you would never say my food, your death row meal. I would. You do go around being like, Sophie's such a good cook.

44:11but I'm like, that isn't icky because I am a good cook. I love your cooking. But some people aren't good cooks and they're like their husbands and stuff. And I know that's so sweet. I'm like, God love you, but like it icks me out. I'm like, stop thrusting her food down me. So we're going to play a quick game, right? Speak of icks. I'm going to go through a list of icks. You have to decide whether you're prepared to go through them or not. It shows if you really love me. Okay, here we go. Number one. If I was kidnapped, my hands were tied behind my back, but I really need to blow my nose would you blow my nose for me?

44:43Absolutely. If you got stung by a jellyfish would you let me wee on you? Yeah. Yeah, I think you would. I'm fine with that. If I had an ingrown toenail would you drain it for me? No. I would violently be sick everywhere. Oh God. I would do that for you. I know and I would want to and it's not that I'd find it icky but I would profusely vomit. Would you let me shave my pubic region with your razor? You'd do that anyway. I'd do that anyway with yours. I know. I mean that is annoying. It's not an ick, it's just a red flag. Would you still kiss me if I had no teeth? Yeah, well, one day I will. Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a wonderful little day of games and flourishing times and just all the things that happen in our podcast.

45:20And as always, before we go, we have our little section, which we like to call Newly Founded, which Sophie's going to read today. It's where you send in your tips, your tricks, your business ideas, your parenting hacks. You shout out an individual that deserves it. And here it is. So today's newly founded is... Okay. We have got, this week, Amy and Maddie from Wibble Whoa Hi Jamie and Sophie We'd love to put forward our amazing founder Laura We're from the team at Wibble A vegan jelly brand made without any artificial nasties And completely gelatin free Love this, what's it called? Wibble Wibble, shout out Wibble Wobble jelly on a play Laura's just welcomed her first baby boy around the same time as Sophie She worked right up until giving birth And is so passionate about the business That she was even on the phone to HMRC during labour No way no ways Laura has grown it into a brand that kids absolutely love and it's now served in hundreds of schools across the UK we'd love for you to hear our story and hopefully one day Ziggy gets to try some Wibble jelly too Amy and Maddie thanks so much for getting in touch Laura you are a legend guys Jamie is obsessed with jelly and he has like I love jelly he has like that sugar free one which is full of loads of crap so we would love your Wibble ones I would love to try some Wibble and I'm not asking for free we'll pay but if you can and you want to we would love to try it please send us some Wibble Wibble Wobble Wobble shout out to those guys if you want to check it out our newly founded everything is in the show description as well send us in your messages your love messages your newly founded stuff everything at all we want to hear from you because we adore you okay remember you can send it in to at Newly Parents Podcast on Instagram or newlyparents at jambroughproductions.co.uk if you're getting married good luck if you're getting engaged yes if you're getting single and if you're getting pregnant and remember to share this podcast with your best friends we love you goodbye see you next Monday guys goodbye goodbye

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