We Thought Our Baby Was An Old Man?!

0:00Well hello everyone. Well hello everyone. I'm doing a podcast today with a bit of sourdough in my hand. And I've got a little waffly kit in my head. Because this sourdough has more personality than my wife. I'm joking. I thought that Zippy was an old man when I was walking him to sleep. That is coming up in the episode. My mum also gets hit by a van. I tell that story. And Jamie's lost a tooth. And also I have a saggy face. Ladies and gentlemen, that is coming up in the show. If you haven't subscribed already, click that subscribe button and join the amazing community. Get ready for an episode of Newly Parents.

0:31Have some sourdough. Enjoy. Hello, I'm Jamie Lang. And I'm Sophie Lang. And now, we're Newly Parents. Oh, yeah, we are, baby.

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1:30And for every day, I'm pairing a merino wool blend sweater with a Gemma Satin Pull-On Pant for the perfect mix of high and low styling. It's a cheat sheet to the season, and I'm obsessed with it all. Shop Abercrombie in the app, online, and in stores. Hello, hello. This is Brooke DeVard, host of the Naked Beauty Podcast, and I want to talk to you about Lexus. at Lexus master craftsmen called Takumi are involved not just in physical craftsmanship, but in all of those sensory details. These masters evaluate things like how a door closes, the click of a switch, the acoustic feedback of controls. Instead of just instruments, Takumi craftsmen rely on human perception and intuition to create what sounds and feels right.

2:13Out of all of the tools that Lexus uses, the most powerful one is understanding what will make us feel something because a car that doesn't make you feel something is a car that stops short of amazing experience amazing at your lexus dealer well start your bloody engines broom broom broom hey honey put it in put it in i don't drive a manual put it in neutral well that's when You're going to ruin the clutch if you do that. You're going to ruin the clutch. You like to coast. That's what you do. What do you mean like to coast? Oh, sorry. You don't because you're not qualified to drive a manual. That's wild that you're not.

3:01No one uses a manual now. What was your first car again? A blue mini? Yeah. It was, wasn't it? I'm what? I'm just curious. Jamie always makes fun of me because I had a blue mini. I had the duck egg mini. No, what I make fun of you about your mini is this, is Sophie didn't understand the concept of parking fines. So what Sophie did with her blue mini is she just parked it anywhere. No, no, no. Yeah, you did. No, I went to Newcastle University. Shout out. And I lived in Jasmine. You know, I had a house and it said resident parking and I was a resident. So I didn't know that you had to apply for resident parking.

3:32So every day for two years, I parked on resident parking thinking, I live in this house, I'm a resident, I can park here. every day there was a ticket and I was like, this fucking guy, why is he doing that? Chucking them away. Chucking them away? Chucking them, okay, everyone's going to come at me and think. Why would you chucking them away? I will not let my son be brought up like this, I promise. And anyway, after two years, I then got my license taken off me because I... You had too many parking tickets? I just, yeah. Well, how many, what did the fines get up to? I don't know, David. Yeah, you do, you remember.

4:03I don't remember, actually. Yeah, you do. All I know is it calls for both my parents to stop speaking to me for a whole month. It's a radio sign. Sophie Haboo had to go to court. No, that was for a different thing. Wait, what was that for? I've said this story. Okay, but just remind me. That was for, you know, the amber light that you always tell me to go through? Don't go through the amber light. It was for going through an amber light. You can go through an amber light. You shouldn't go through an amber light because if they get you in the nick of time, then you lose your license. they asked me to send my driving license off to put some points on it and again I didn't open the post I went so I never sent my driving license off so two years later I got lots of letters saying your driving license has been revoked so I appealed for it and my mum had just had a face pill and she came to court with me and I had to stand on that little oath and I was like I Sophie be solemnly swear and I look out to the audience my mum looking so upset and worried and her whole face was just peeding off like a snake and i was like well listen everybody welcome back to newly parents hey by the way before we start the show i just want to say one thing if you haven't subscribed okay if you haven't done it you just click that button it takes one second it's completely for free it's free it's free you just go click and subscribe i subscribe to everyone okay like who i subscribe to everyone i watch on youtube if i watch their youtube once subscribe because I don't want to be going onto YouTube and searching on that search bar.

5:33That's the most annoying thing in the world. This is a great... You're selling without selling, which I love. I don't understand why people don't subscribe. Why am I saying this? I don't know why you are, but I like it. Subscribe. Sub. Is it two words, subscribe? Because I feel like it is. By the way, so subscribe, as Sophie said, because then our little show will pop up straight away for you. Listen, I know we start off newly parents like this, but we are newly parents, so we have to do it. It's a heat wave at the moment. And I don't know about you, but it's absolutely roasty toasty. It's so hot.

6:03We are hot. It's roasty toasty. You are in trousers, socks. By the way, walking socks and a top. I'm in a beach dress. What's the difference? What do you mean walking socks? Well, they're like walking socks, I can tell, because they're not running socks. I'm really confused. They're thick. Yes, walking socks are a thing. It's like ski socks. Yeah, I get ski socks. and walking socks are the same. Yours are thick, girthy socks. These are not thick, girthy socks. Yes, they are. Everyone in this room is thinking, what are you doing? But I will say you don't have a summer wardrobe. I do need a change.

6:40It's absolutely roasting and our poor little son is just not sleeping in this toasty, toasty room. And last night I had to go and put a... Don't you roll your eyes at me. Guys. I'm just going to put it out here. Okay, go on then, put it out. When the men and the dads, and I'm saying this to all dads, and men go, aren't you so grateful that I do the nights? No, I'm not fucking grateful because we're in 2026 and it should be equal. This is what honestly happened last night. He thinks he's God. He's like, you know no other dads would be doing the nights. And I'm like, well, they're fucking shit. Fair enough.

7:20But I'm with you, honey. I'm so with you. And by the way, I've just solely parented for three days and three nights in a heatwave. Didn't get one complaint out of me, did you? You're a little sad guy. No, what I get is slightly sort of passive-aggressive ones. That's what I get, which I totally understand. You looked after our baby in a heatwave all weekend by yourself for two days. And we had the best time. Okay. But I missed you. I missed you very much. We missed you too. I missed you very much. You were all alone in our big old house. And you were having the time of your life at a festival.

7:48I was working all weekend. I was working very hard. Okay. And it's true, though. I did come back and I did the nights last night. Night? Yeah. find the night i was up from 11 till 2 30 doing it guys can i just and he was just staring at me yeah i know he just stares at me it's it's it's the heat trust me he was he didn't sleep the last two nights either i haven't had any sleep he does this thing where he does just stare and at one point i held our little boy and i walked into the room and i was like i was doing this i was coming up to you and I was going, let me. Can I just say this is 11pm at night like I had just got into a deep sleep and I was so tired.

8:28Yeah, I really don't understand what happens to me. If I fall asleep at like 9, 10pm you can't wake me up. No, no, no. 2am, can't go back to sleep. But 11, you were in a deep, deep sleep. You woke up and I've never seen you so tired in all your life. You looked at me and said, what are you doing? And I said, I'm trying to get him to sleep. Do I put the fan on him? And you were like, what? What are you talking about? that you didn't understand what was going on. That's called sleep deprivation from so deep. Yeah, you were very, very, very tired. I was away for the weekend and you were in the house by yourself and you were so sleep deprived.

9:02You started to rock Ziggy to sleep. What happened? I walked him. He's doing this thing where he wakes up at 11pm on the door and he's, you know, not crying. He's just ready to go. And so I picked him up. I was rocking him, bouncing him on this ball and I was closing my eyes because it was now about midnight and then it was midnight because i i'm like sleeping like and i don't want to get eye contact because then he thinks it's playtime and he starts smiling and laughing at me so i was rock rock rock and i just looked down at him and he was staring back at me but i convinced myself it was an old man staring back at me like i was so tired it didn't look like his face and i was like oh my god some old man you know like the orphan where it's an old girl an old woman who pretends she's like a little orphan i thought there's an old benjamin busson who's swap places with my son and i'm rocking this old man so i had to go turn on all the lights and many was away for hours wait you did not tell me that i did i turned on all the lights i was so scared i was alone in our house and i was rocking an old man to sleep it wasn't ziggy this makes you sound really weird but when you thought of us when me and my sister were younger we had two cats yeah my popper my granddad lived in a coach house like with us basically so when we would go away for the whole summer the two cats would be looked after by him and one summer we came back and we knew that our black cat max had been replaced by another black cat there's no way i am telling you to this day who do you think it wasn't max it wasn't the same cat and i was so scared of this cat and he like changed his he only was set outside this window he did all these really strange things and i convinced myself it was a similar thing.

10:41I couldn't in my sleep-tified state. I was like, oh my God, my son has been replaced by an old man that I'm now going to grow up. A mother. And I don't know where Ziggy is, but it's not this guy. Also, it's 200 degrees in here. Jamie, it's not that hot. We're all saying it. Honey, feel my back. Sorry, I just had to take a quick break there because I was actually roasting. Yeah, but you've still got your walking socks on. There's no need. You also have lovely feet. when I was first dating you I asked you what your favourite thing about you was and you said your feet so whip those puppies out and get a foot fetish going let's just move on let's just get back to our lovely little parenting shenanigans I'm very proud of you this weekend because you were parenting completely solo and you did really well with it while I was up having a host a fun time I was working on Radio 1 I was doing Big Weekend and it was just very hot and loads of things were happening by the way I know this is a little bit chaotic but I've actually taken off the headphones because I'm far too hot I'm roasting over here I'm fine.

11:38Okay. I am getting a little bit hot. Secondly, I just need to explain this. I don't know what's happened, but maybe it's sleep deprivation, but I feel like my whole body and face and everything is sagging at the moment. I don't understand why you're saying this, but I will say I do think you don't eat any greens. And I do think that contributes to, like, hardness under the eyes. Look how tired I am. I don't think jelly and yogurt and grape nuts is a sustainable diet. I don't think you're going to get your nutrients in from that. I don't think that you're getting any vegetables in or any vitamins.

12:05I'm eating loads of vegetables. And you refuse to take a vitamin? No, I take my vitamins. What? Omega. You don't. And that will contribute to a less saggy face, though, I will say. So do you think I have a little bit of a saggy face? I think that, no, I don't think. You do? No, I don't. You think I have a little. I think you look fantastic. Okay. I think you look a little bit tired under the eyes, as do I. And trust me, if anyone's sagging over it here, it's me. My stomach is so saggy. When I do Pilates, it literally touches the floor. it's upsetting me that I'm slowly getting old. I don't really like it anymore.

12:41You're not getting old. I think I've got to that stage. I think what happens when you become a parent is that you suddenly just realise that you get no sleep, you get nothing, no nutrients, nothing at all in you and slowly by slowly it just all starts to like fade away and I'm just, this is what ageing is going to happen. I'm going to start to age. This is what ageing is really scary. Because you're exhausted. Because you either sink or swim in this world now. Like you either age gracefully and we all enjoy aging and like the privilege of getting older or we have to have five facelifts and a body graph.

13:12And I don't know which one I'm at yet. I don't know if I'm A or I'm B. So would you be upset if I went and had a facelift at some point? Because I see that like all these people out there are having facelifts. No, we'd have to communally agree. We're either going to go down the facelift route and both get facelifts or just me. There's no fucking way you're getting a facelift and I'm aging. There's no way that's happening. It'll be the other way around. or we both age gracefully together. I don't know whether that's going to happen with how much you love Botox, but... So when I was aware at Big Weekend, what were you doing?

13:45Give it to me. Looking after our child in the heat. Yeah, but you weren't just... What did you get up to? Come on. We would go on walks. Well, I couldn't really do much because it was so hot, but I took him in a paddling pool. He was naked all weekend. I'm not even a nappy. Just naked. Just great. I sang to him what I like to do and if any new mums are out there and like you know that point of the day where like it's nearly bedtime they're a bit bored like you've done everything you don't want to take them on another walk I get on songs like rapping songs and I put them on my phone on Spotify and did you know the lyrics come up you just swipe down and then I rapped him for hours he fucking loves it give me an example I'm not going to give you an example no I won't are you rapping with to what artist all of them all the rappers so you're like like who like i don't know their names because i just put in rap music and then i just sing the lyrics why do you rap because it's not fun to sing like jolene jolene because i know those words like it's more interesting for me if i can rap and because then he thinks i'm talking to him and he laughs he loves it when i rap so you do so you do like eminem jay-z yeah like biggie no i didn't do anything biggie but you do so like mockingbird eminem you do that to our son Hayley I know you miss your mum and I know you miss your dad but I'm gone but I'm trying to give you the life that I never had I could keep going honey that's really impressive I know you I can see you're sad even when you one thing that did happen yeah my tooth chipped same as me I know but you know remember when I was pregnant the tooth chipped on cottage cheese and then I had it like filled with bonding fucking chipped again let's have a look at it is it yours is mine is completely chipped at the moment yours is not right okay talk to me about your weekend then what did you do All right, I'll tell you about my weekend.

15:30Can you tell me? Saw Zara Larsson? Yeah. Saw Sabrina Carpenter? No, she was not there. Louis Tomlinson? Everyone was raving about her and what happened there? Louis Tomlinson was there. What happened? He sang a song. He'd gone on stage and sang a song. I also, can I tell you, I went to one of those little portaloos, right? Don't know if you've ever done this. Obviously, I've been to a portaloos. Okay, you've been to a portaloos, how vile they are. They have that little thing that opens up in the bottom, right? Yeah, they stink. They stink. I dropped my phone in it. that's vile and my I didn't even think about my immediate reaction was just to go straight in and do you know the worst part about it you'd done a poo no I hadn't done a poo but well the person before you had you know how it's not a hole it's like I got a lever I had to push open the lever with my finger and then fish it out I would just say bye see ya close flush my phone that's vile on every level shocking on every level do you not remember when we went to Glastonbury that first year that we were dating and our friend dropped his phone down the thing and it went out of the portaloo and he had to get into the shit and grab his phone out and he did it and I watched him with my own eyes and was like your friends are fucking wild can I also just say I don't know if it's like sleep deprivation but I know that you thought Ziggy was Benjamin Button or man I'm like scared at night at the moment I don't really know why I'm like I know why why because all you do is sit up and watch horror movies and by the way they are horrendous ones.

16:59They're not horrendous ones. Yes, they are. You last night made me watch one and it was going, bar, bar, black sheep, have you any wool? And it was, it looked like me in our promo video, a very old lady dying in bed, sadly. And it was just the sound of bar, bar, black sheep. And guess what it was about? Podcast hosts. And I was like, I'd rather not, you know? You only started the first five minutes. That was the scary, what was it called? I don't even know what it was called. or something but I really wanted to watch and you didn't want to watch but I'm that's why you're scared no I'm terrified going to like last night when I was awake with Ziggy rocking I know clap me very much I had to go up and down the stairs to check that no one was in the house that's how like scary it was last night I don't know why I'm really freaked out I do know what you mean because when you were away this weekend I sleep with an eye mask and every time I put it on I was like I just pictured that was a man standing across my face like that it's absolutely terrifying also everyone we did a TikTok and everyone's been commenting saying that I am their sleep paralysis.

17:59You know when, you need to put a clip when I do the running thing. Yeah. Everyone's like, Sophie is my sleep paralysis. People sending it to me as DMs and I'm like, oh my God, it is. That is exactly what my sleep paralysis is. Honestly, if you came into the room at night, right? My lanky limbs. You're so like, you're like the slender man. If you ran into the bedroom when I was trying to sleep on all fours, I don't know, it would be the scariest thing. I can't wait for time. No, please don't do it to me. Jamie and I do do this really weird thing where like the lights go off and then I'll just be like this on the day no wait do it and then here just try and do this is what Sophie will do to me at night time to try and scare me and what happens is she'll do this thing and after a while I go haha Sophie stop it haha Sophie stop it and she'll just do it and I'll go oh my god try and scare me here we go I can't just do it once here we go no I just don't it's absolutely terrifying Terrified.

18:54Listen, it's been a wild, chaotic morning again on the podcast because we've had zero sleep. And I know we keep banging on about it. You know, it's a newly parents podcast. So, of course, we're going to have no sleep. But it does mean it's time for listeners messages.

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20:27Experience amazing at your Lexus dealer.

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22:38weather so we built a campfire and sat around at all night drinking and chatting. When it came time for bed I wanted to be responsible and put the fire out just in case. I also happened to need a wee and couldn't be bothered trekking to the campsite's toilets so my slightly drunken state it seemed like a win-win. As I squatted over what I thought were the fires dying embers a gust of wind came and blew one of these embers directly upwards and hit just above the worst place possible. I screamed and when my friend came running over I had to explain that I burnt my fanny trying to put out the fire.

23:19I woke up the next morning quite hungover and it was still really painful so I made a stop off at a pharmacy where I whispered over the counter what had happened. The pharmacist had to take me to one side to have a look and give me some burn cream. Absolutely mortifying. Thanks for brightening up my Mondays and I hope my embarrassing story might at least give someone else a laugh. Loads of love. That's agony. Have you ever burnt your fanny? No. I've never burnt my fanny, but that sounds agonising. Okay, give me one, go. Okay, I've got a wild story from Alice. Hey, Sophie and Jamie, it's so good to hear you guys back in my ears every Monday.

23:55Come on, let's go, guys. I wanted to share a story I'm just about ready to laugh at again from Valentine's Day. It was me and my boyfriend's second year together, so I bought a really sexy little latex bar to wear in the bedroom. I tried it on and when it arrived to check it fit and it was a bit tight but looked great so I thought I'd go for it on the night we went out for a nice meal and a few drinks and when we got back I snuck into the bathroom to change it's not the stretchiest and what was a bit tight before became extremely tight after a three-course romantic meal but I felt great and my boyfriend absolutely loved it that was until a few minutes later when suddenly the seam at the back gave way and an overstretched rubber came whipping round and slapped him straight in the eye.

24:34He let out a huge scream as I ran off to the freezer to grab him some frozen peas, which had absolutely nothing to stop his eyes swelling up all blue the next morning. He had to tell everyone at work he'd walked into a door. If only they knew the true story. I hope you guys can at least get a laugh out of my embarrassment and thanks for putting a smile on my face every week. Now we're back. That is so funny. What's so? The latex thing snapped. So the bra strapped and like the latex, it's straight in the eye. That would be awful. See, that's something that I would like get annoyed at in the moment and then I'd have a fight.

25:08Okay, I've got one. A birth story. You ready for this? From Jed. Hi, Jamie and Sophie. I've been listening to your podcast for a while now. My partner Scarlett was pregnant with our first child at the same time as Sophie. I was so scared of becoming a dad and not knowing what to expect. Listening to your podcast and your stories made me feel so much better and it made me happy knowing you guys were going through the exact same thing. In March, Much after complicated labour, we were introduced to our beautiful boy Ziggy. Born via emergency C-section. Oh my god. I was so shocked at the cycle when I saw you also named your baby boy Ziggy too.

25:43It's been the most special few months and I never knew that I could love someone so much. I hope you're cherishing these moments as much as we are. Much love. Ziggy! Ziggy times two, I love that. And the emergency C-section like us, honey. Oh my god, guys, love you so much and I love your little boy Ziggy. Jed? Jed. Jed and Scarlett. Jed, Scarlett and Ziggy. What is Jed short for, do you think? Jedward.

26:07Honey, give it to me. Go. Love story from Emma. Hi, Jamie and Sophie. I'm loving having the podcast back. It soundtracks my commute every Monday and often has me snorting with laughter on the train. I wanted to share the story of my amazing husband, Tom, with you. Not long after we got together, I had some pretty serious health problems and he was so there for me every single step of the way. I'm so, so grateful. thankfully I'm fully recovered now and since then we've welcomed two amazing young girls into the world and he's been the best dad they could hope for then out of the blue last year Tom lost his job it wasn't through any fault of his own but it completely destroyed his confidence and sent him to a really tough space he couldn't face getting back on the job hunt so just withdrew completely even though he was a complete rock bottom he would still always show up for me and the kids cooking dinners, planning days out and generally putting on a brave face he's been making great progress in therapy too and I'm so proud to say that he starts a brand new job next week.

26:59It's so amazing to see his old smile come back. Going through hard times as a couple is horrible, but it definitely brings you closer and I can barely put into words the love and admiration I have for Tom. I feel so lucky that I get to wake up to him every single day. Loads of love. Let's go. That's amazing. What is that? You're like showing a little circle at me. I'm doing a song. You're doing the heart like that, are you? Emma and Tom. Guys, we adore you. Guys, love you so much. That's amazing and well done. Love you so much. Listen, guys, we want to say thank you so much for constantly sending in your messages.

27:32We absolutely love them. Keep sending them in. Voice notes, anything at all. Send them to Newly Parents Podcast on Instagram, sign their DMs, or send us an email, newlyparents at jamppoproductions.co.uk. Or you can send in a voice note. Everything can stay anonymous. Our number is our show description. Anything at all, we want to hear from you. Okay? That's the end of Listeners Messages. One thing we need to discuss, right? School. School. What are we going to do with school? Well, we've got quite a few years off until we're school. Listen, I'm preparing myself for the father-son race. I'm in training.

28:05I'm going to fuck up the other dads. And I'm not even fucking joking. I'm sure you will. The music is actually the funniest thing I've ever seen in my entire life. Spencer Matthews, right? I can't wait. He did a father and sons race. Father and sons race is just like a group of dads, right? who like come up one's probably wearing a rugby shirt and other one's wearing a suit other one is like wearing whatever Spencer turned up to the father's son's race in gym kit and spikes and with Black King's goggles on and stuff when he raced he raced it and at the end he did the dip no he didn't I swear in my life I've got a video I've got a video show me the video I'll get the video he did a dip at the end what's a dip I don't understand what a dip is you know where sprinters do that thing at the end where they dip to try Oh, they go.

28:54The head goes first. You're fucking kidding me. He fucking did that. So I'm going to get, listen, I need you to understand this, right? When Ziggy goes to school, we're going to be competitive. No, we're at. Okay. Honey, we're going to be fucking competitive. Ziggy might be like me. Don't have a competitive bone in my body. You couldn't pay me. Even if he said you could get a million pounds, I'd be like, can't be bothered to raise. Are you joking? Are you joking? You can't be like that. Can't be bothered to win. What? I don't have it in me. But I'm a very talented catcher, aren't I? I'm the most unbelievable catcher I've ever seen in my life.

29:31Sophie has such good coordination, she doesn't use it. It's so upsetting. I'm going to start paddle lessons. Anyway. I'm going to show you, actually. Go to our social media channel. I'm going to show you how good Sophie is at catching. There's nothing on there that's catching. You're like a whippet. Whippets can't catch. I don't care if I'm better or I'm good at some... No competitiveness in my body. Our son is going to watch us at school. And he's going to know you don't have to win. You can be happy like my mum. And she doesn't need to win anything at life. She's happy just being. No. She's happy letting everyone else win.

30:06No. You've got to win. So when we go to school, you're going to have to do it. Okay? I'm going to tell you one of the saddest moments of my life. Saddest? Yeah, one of the saddest moments of my life. It's actually no word of life. when I was at school, right? Did your dad do a father-son race with you? Yes, he did. And did you win? Yes, of course he did. Did you? Go on, Nick. Yeah, of course he won. You think my dad's going to lose in front of me? And if he had lost, I'd be like, what a loser. Oh, sorry, right. A father-son race is just the dad's. I pictured it was like a relay with the sons. Sometimes you can do that as well.

30:35Because that I'm thinking, like you can't be forcing Ziggy to be as fast as you. Like if he's not a good runner, you have to cheer him on anyway. I don't want any of that, like, come on. Okay. Anyway, I'm going to tell you what happened at school. it was the mother and son's tennis. What school has a mother and son's tennis? My school did. Mother and son's tennis. Mother and son's tennis. I will be opting out of the mother and son's tennis. So what mum are we going to get? If he's going to play tennis and there's a mother and son's tennis who's going to play tennis? Grannies. Both my mum plays tennis and your mum does.

31:05Your mum will be in there. My mum will be in there. She'll be in there. My mum actually. And she will be winning. And she will be telling Ziki off if he's not winning. 100%. 100%. Love that. Anyway, I'm not, no word of a lie. I was at my school Summerfields shout out okay and imagine this me sweet little boy okay I was 12 years old I was waiting because I went to a boarding school you know I went to a boarding school and I was waiting at the gates waiting for my mum to arrive I'd wait in my entire school career for this moment the mother and son's tennis game why? because it was a prestigious event to win that and the Victor La Dorum and I won the Victor La Dorum what's the Victor La Dorum?

31:40the Victor La Dorum I won every single year it's the best athlete in the year don't roll your eyes at me oh my god I feel so sorry for our son. Anyway, I was waiting at the gates and my mum never turned up. That's very enlightening. And I'll tell you why. She got hit by a van. A van. A van. I've never heard this. She was packing the car up. Tennis rack is in. This was her moment. And the van reversed into her and hit her and she got knocked out. And she had to go to hospital. She missed the mother and son's tennis game. Your mum got hit by a van? I kid you, listen. Why have we never heard the story?

32:19I'm just going to quickly phone my mum, just to prove. I'm not even kidding you, just one second. I'm going to put her on the last... Why have you guys never said the story? Here we go. Just to prove to you. She'll tell the story of being hit by a van. Hello, my lovely little boy. Hello. Quick question. Do you remember that story of when you got hit by the van? Yeah. Tell the story quickly. Well, I was coming to play in the Summerfields end of year tennis tournament and win it with you. And how important was it for us? I waited five years. Huge to win this tennis tournament. I waited five years to win it because your brother couldn't play tennis.

32:54And I was crossing the road to get into my car with my basket and the meat delivery van to the pub reversed backwards and took me with him. And then he drove over my legs. There were tar marks over both my legs and they didn't even break. They're so heavy and solid. strong sturdy leg they're basically like one of those road like to slow people down i am new zealand farming stock they just went and then came back up again and i was knocked out i told you woke up in hospital and alexander was leaning over me he was very excited because he had a counselor with him because he had to find me on the road and there was so much blood apparently dad was getting married two days later and i looked at son and i said oh god dad's gonna think i did this on purpose you had hired you had hired you had hired the delivery man to make a hit on you to make dad feel really bad about getting married all right okay love you bye-bye bye-bye that is fucking hilarious how have i never heard that story yeah yeah 100 so why didn't you get did no teacher come and tell you Yeah, do you know what the team, this is no, this made it even worse.

34:14The headmaster came up to me and said, your mum has had a crash on the motorway. And I was like, what? And so I thought. I think saying your mum's been run over would have been a bit more scary. She had a crash on the motorway. And I was like, you're freaking kidding me. Like what? Yeah. That is wild. I had some wild stories from school. Go on, tell us some more. Have you ever heard about my first ever day at my other school? No. Okay. when I came into you must know this when I was boarding and I was 13 years old and I came into my room Maybe I do know but tell. I came into my room and on my bedside table in cheese melted cheese was written you will die and I was like my mum was like who's done that?

34:57I was like I have no idea. Anyway I went to bed that night and put my hand under a pillow and there was a cold lasagna. My pillow and I pulled my hand out and I had a lasagna glove. I was like, what the hell is this? Who was your roommate? Did you have a chair room? No, it was like a big dormitory. Oh, so it was like how many boys were in your room? 14 in one big room. So did you say who put a lasagna on my bed? It was one of the older boys. They put a lasagna in my bed. What other things did they do? Oh my, Sophie, you don't even understand. Oh my, like so many things. Like what? Another guy called Charlie, one of the older boys.

35:30There was like a games room that you could play in and with like a snooker table and a ping pong table and everything like that. and Charlie was made to stand in the room with the lights off the whole day, and whenever anyone came in, they'd turn the lights on, he had to go, hello. Oh, my God, Charlie, that's bullying. So what did you get me to do? Oh, my God, so many things. I was made to eat the head of house's chocolate calendar. Made it to Christmas calendar? Yeah, they made me eat his whole chocolate calendar. Delicious. Yeah, it was delicious, actually. What, and then they said it was Jamie?

36:00Yeah, and they said it was me. What, you had to go to each one? Yeah, and munch them down. What other things? This is fascinating. Did you enjoy this? Yeah. So what did you do to the younger boys? Nothing. I didn't do anything to the younger boys. I did nothing. Because what happened was, when I became an older boy, that all stopped. So it never happened. We used to do this thing at school. It was called rat running. This is how old school it was. What you'd have to do is you'd have your corridor and you would have your rooms either side that looked like little cubicles. This was if you were first year.

36:32Little cubicles either side. And you have a curtain to draw across that would cover your bedroom. but you could look over the top. What you would do is each boy would stand in the corridor. Yeah. You would get your pillows and you would put your trainers in the pillowcase and the boy would then run down and you would try and hit him to knock him over with your pillowcase full of trainers. And it's called the rat run. If you made it down and up, you'd win. So you did the rat run and got hit? I always got knocked over. Yeah. The game was we played with each other. So what do you mean you always got knocked over?

37:05on like dawn four. And we used to go, rat, run. And then just play this game. Mad. What, and you would actually be knocked out. Surely like, what about your rugby boots? No, the rule was you couldn't, you could only go for legs. This is horrific. What other things? But it was weirdly quite fun. It was weirdly quite fun though, for some reason. Because you were born in school, there was nothing else to do. So you'd play these like weird games. So what other things? One more, one story. My house, I've told you this. When my house master came round one night, so he came around and said, right guys everyone needs to be on their best behavior tomorrow got to be on your best behavior because we have these really important parents coming around and everyone's like okay cool fine no worries everyone's going to be on their best behavior absolutely fine um and he said listen all rooms have to be neat and tidy and these really important parents came around the next day to like look at the house and they went to the head of house's room and it was pristine and it was amazing it was beautiful and it was just unbelievable and then they went to the common room area where you'd eat your toast and have your milk and he opened the door to show the parents and it was all the first years in there and there was two people and they were playing chess and another person was reading a newspaper in the corner and another person was making toast it was a pristine like lovely little vision but they were all naked this is the stuff that used to happen at school it's wild so would we send ziggy to a boarding school i don't know i really don't No, I don't want him getting rat-raised around and whacked to shreds with boots.

38:31What was the naughtiest thing that happened at your school? We put our school up for eBay.

38:38That's phenomenal. We put our school on eBay for£1. How did you do that? I don't know. We put all of our bras hanging off the trees. You guys went crazy. But again, that was like the last... You guys went crazy. You were absolutely wild. We were crazy. What other things did we do? Were you quite naughty though? No, no, I wasn't naughty, but I got on with the teachers. But like, I was always told off, but like, they were low-key also my friends. Like, I like the teachers and they like me, I think. Basically what I've learned from that is that we're not going to be competitive when Ziggy goes to school.

39:15Is that right? We're not going to be competitive. We're going to be supportive, loving parents. All right, well, listen, ladies and gentlemen, on that note, I think it's time for a little story time to end the episode. Are you ready for this, honey? Oh, boy, I'm ready. Okay, so, Phoebe, before we end the episode, it's time for a little game we like to call Storytime. This week, our Storytime is about a little princess who meets two handsome men called Stefan and Damon. I love this game. Okay, ready? Once upon a time in a land far away, in the land of little ladies. And this land was just only full of little ladies.

39:52and one man, a little man, named Jamie. This little man was the ruler of everyone. Oh, so he thought. But in fact, the little ladies had him wrapped around their little finger and they made him do press-ups every day, day in and day out. Anyway, one day, the little princess named... Froggy. Froggy. Her name was Froggy. Little Froggy? She was called that because... She loved to hop, hop, hop and croak with her big belly out.

40:28Froggy was always a bit of a misfit. But, well, no, she wasn't actually. She had two little men called Damon and Stefan. Wow, and these two men were the most handsome of the land. In all the land. They lived in a land far, far away from the little lady land. But they swooped in with their dragon teeth and they kissed her with their mouths. We've absolutely lost the plot. With their dragon teeth. I was thinking of vampire teeth, but dragon came out because I'm so, so strange. Froggy was a bit of a misfit. Froggy was a misfit, but alas, she met the two men, Damon and Stefan. And with their dragon teeth.

41:08They clawed their way into her life, and wow, she lived happily ever after. Froggy, Damon, Stefan, and the little man, Jamie. The end. Yay! ladies and gentlemen we're going to be back for another unhinged episode of Newly Parents listen if you want to get in touch please do our email is newlyparents at jampopproductions.co.uk you can also sign to our DMs at newlyparentspodcast also you can send us a voice note on our number okay it's in the show description if you haven't subscribed to our show already click that subscribe button if you're getting married good luck if you're getting engaged go for it if you're pregnant and having a baby oh get out there we love you goodbye Goodbye.

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