Would Jamie and Sophie be SWINGERS?

0:01Guys, before we start the episode, I just want to mention two very quick things. Firstly, thank you so much for constantly coming back to this podcast. We love the fact that you do that. That is so kind. Really, really is. If you haven't subscribed to our show already, just click the subscribe button. It does us wonders. Only if you like the show, that is. And the other thing is this, is I have written a book. It's an agency of everything we don't talk about. And I've written this book because I truly believe that as a generation, we really don't open up and talk about how we're truly feeling.

0:29It's called Boys Don't Cry. You can pre-order it right now. There's a link in our bio that you can click. It'll take you to the pre-order site. It would be amazing if you could possibly do that because I promise you this book can help so many people. Okay, thank you so much and enjoy the episode. Hello, I'm Jamie Lange. And I'm Sophie Lange. And we've been married for two years. And we're having a baby. Yes, we are. Are you ready? Let's go.

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2:38Hello, everyone. Welcome back. It is nearly parents. I am pregnant and I am Sophie. And this is my husband with a fake tummy on, Jamie Lang.

2:53still many years in I find it when you say Leng it's still no everyone else no one knows how to say the name you might be taking this name on in life you know sometimes you might have to say it but you say it in like a real sort of because you're always laughing at me if you didn't put so much pressure on and try and embarrass me I won't look at you I'll just say Sophie Leng there you nailed it you freaking nailed it because you laugh at me then I get conscious we have we both have this thing and I think a lot of people relate to this. When it comes to names, why is it so intimidating that if you forget their name, you're like, oh God, I don't know what it is.

3:26Sophie said she had it with Leona Lewis on the podcast. She forgot, she thought. No, no, it's not that I forget someone's name. I know she's called Leona Lewis, but I get an intrusive thought. So I'll say Leona and then I'll be like, you fucking idiot. Her name isn't Leona. And then the whole podcast, I'm just like, what have I done? But I do it to everyone. And I honestly sat half the time and I'm like, Penny. I'm like, did I just call her Penny? She's not called Penny. About your mum. Like, it's such bizarre intrusive thoughts. So if you're watching this on YouTube at the moment, I have been given by our team a pregnancy stomach.

4:06I've been given some sort of pregnancy stomach right here. I don't know what this blooming thing is, but it's to replicate what it feels like to be pregnant. And my oh my, I'm going to put it out there. It is a shit show. It is a shit show, right? It's not a shit show. Oh, it's beautiful. I've got my... I don't have a fake baby in here. This is just a tummy. This is the same size as your tummy, the same weight as your tummy. This replicates your tummy. I'm telling you now, you can hear by my breath, I can hardly breathe. I'm honestly like pissed off with everything you're saying. You can hardly breathe.

4:36None of your organs or insides are getting crushed. It's stuck on top. It's literally like you are hugging a teddy bear or you've got a hot water bottle wrapped to your stomach. It is not inside you. squeezing all of your stuff up. I've got no room for nothing. Nothing. I can't breathe a single thing anymore. I'm like, I'm like, I have a conversation. I'm so out of breath. I just need to, I need to just become a monk and not speak ever again. Monks speak. I just want to go to a monk house. A monk house. And just like be left in silence and peace. You want to go to a monastery. I want to go, I just want to sleep on the rocks hard floor where it's cold.

5:17and hard and I'm not sinking into the beds and I just want to be in silence for 20 hours a day well you just don't want to talk to anyone I can't it's just so out of breath I'm so out of breath and unfortunately your job is to talk I know I know if you could change your job right now for anything else what would it be no I love doing this of course you do I know you do but if if you really had a choice if you really had a choice right now and podcasting and doing the stuff that you do then can i just not have a job no you have to have a job you have to have a job what would it be what job would you pick oh i know the people that massage people masseuses have to practice on and i'd lay that all day getting massaged a whole day just on them massaging my feet learning how to do reflexology next day it's the carve next day from start to finish that's not a job honey Secondly, I would Come on, what would it be?

6:14Be one of those models who has to lie in a bed all day And be photographed sleeping Like Emma's mattress or something You would not like that I would sleep all day Absolutely not, because you'd then have to go through all the photos And make sure they look good You'd be stressful I wouldn't, I'd just close my eyes, I look nice when I sleep Yeah, but then they would go up on billboards And you'd be like, hang on a second, I don't like the way that I'm shot there Yeah, well that's my life already Every day with you shoving me at every hour you know my friends like take the most revolting photos of me and i'm like they blast it all over their social media i'm like thanks you would die if i did that and they're like oh sorry we didn't realize jamie posts such ugly photos of you we thought you were just fine with that i'm like yeah i know i tell him not to yeah but things that don't have to be so perfect all the time but you don't have to take a photo of me like upwards when i've not even opened my eyeballs honey the shot that i got is you that looks like you this is what i'm wearing right now yeah you know what this is right okay okay tell me so because this tummy that i'm wearing is a stage now which is the stage i'm in yeah i'm in a coffee shop and you know there's a queue there and then there's a queue at the back of the coffee shop and it's just a small it's a corridor where people walk to go and get the coffee at the end of the coffee people can't get back out now because my bump's in the way and i don't realize so they're like staring at me they stand before me and they're like excuse me and i'm like there's a fucking like hello there's way there's room and they look down they're like your bump is lit we can't so i have to turn to the side to let them out well that's that's cool though that's like a like an exciting thing to be you're growing our little baby and our baby is taking up all the room give a shit i know but now people are commenting saying i'm pregnant at the front i'm pregnant at the back sophie has an ass she has a freaking booty no everything's just and i would eat it up yum yum yum yum yum that is so so disgusting Okay, you need to rein it in Because you're never going to hear me I'm not I've completely and utterly not But yeah I like big butts Cannot lie No other Something can't deny When they should have And you got big boobs And I cannot lie You've basically got this sweet butt that is like a ledge okay you're really weirding me out you need to chill out you need to chill out you need to chill out you commented on it and then you move the conversation on no it's so weird I'm so apologetic to everyone in the room he feels incredibly distressed right now if you were to pour bolognese in that butt oh my god you're so weird and so gross it's like some garlic bread I mean

9:03okay let's change It's just a conversation now. It's insane, though. Like, no, just during the pregnancy, you know. Everything just grows, yeah. No, I'm going to put it out there with my wife. With my wife, I'm saying it. No, please stop your wedding. Yeah, I'm fearful of all the things that are about to come out of your mouth today. I'm so fearful of them all. But what I will say. You just have everything. You've got a tummy. Okay, Jamie. No, I don't like that conversation. Right. What I will say is that the bra situation, it's not the cup that's disturbing me because that's gone, that's out of control.

9:37What do you mean the cup situation? The back size. I don't know if I'm like a 55 back now. Like I am the Hulk. I am, right, I'm going to say I was a 28 back. I don't even know what that means. It sounds massive. I was like, no, 28 is like a small D, right? 28. That was my bra size. Just quickly, just quickly. That's the measuring of my back, like the waist. So that's inches, centimetres? I think so. Magda, is that? Yeah, I think it's inches, but you have to add on. It's been so long since I've had my bra size measured. I think you add on inches to get your bra size. So it's your underboob. Underboob, like that bit.

10:13It's not the cup. Oh, so you go under your boob, round your back. Yes. I'm now ordering 36. I simply can't breathe with them. So I'm now ordering 40. I can't breathe with them. Like, how is my back expanding this much? I don't understand. I can't breathe in any of them. like what? I don't understand someone needs to measure my back I hope but the baby's not up my back so why why is that growing? I don't know I hope everything goes back to normal apart from your back no my mum said my feet will just go wider and they never quite go back to normal she said that she said your feet and hands get wider and they never go back to normal that's hideous I can't wait to see I'll be so good at swimming Unbelievable I know Forget breaststroke I'll just be frunked all over Michael Phelps See you later Oh my god That is hilarious We went to Our Doola The person We just spoke to a doula Doula?

11:19The midwife The midwife I don't know Whoever helps with the babies The midwife And she said to Sophie Are you doing your pelvic Pelvic thrusts And Sophie said, what do you mean? Am I meant to? And she said, well, everyone does that, don't they? And Sophie went, I've never done that. This is a completely new thing to me. This is where... I'm doing it as we speak. Talk to me more. You're really parvy today. It's winning me out. I haven't had sex in yonks. You're like Parvy Pete over there. Parvy Pete? Well, who's Parvy Pete? I don't know. Some rings a bar. Okay, I was unaware of all these things.

11:58There's something called kegels And kegels? Yeah Do you know what kegel is? It's where you tense and untence your vagina You just clench your vagina, yeah For what reason? For 10 seconds I think it's meant to help your pelvic floor So when you give birth You don't You can hold in a wee But Huh? You can hold in your pee You don't wet yourself There are a lot of women who once give birth Then pee themselves Just because they can't control it But I remember at school Like there was a girl who just like every time she laughed, she'd piss us out. My God, that's strange. Really? Is that because I haven't done the Kegels?

12:35Maybe, just a low pelvic floor. I don't really know. But hang on, you also, but this person said that lots of women, you should be always doing Kegels to tighten the vagina. Yeah, I know. I said, poor you. I've never done one before in my life. You've never done it to you? I think I obviously do it occasionally. Like I don't, it's not a foreign feeling, but I don't consciously go, oh time for my kegels squeeze squeeze squeeze you don't do that it's when you think about it it's weird but holding in a wee is apparently just practicing your pelvic floor you never hold in a wee no i don't i if there is a millimeter i am going to that loo and squeezing it out the tiniest amount and all are sleeping my pelvic floor is just it's shot there's nothing there when i give birth I am going to pee every my sister when she gave birth on her first walk she said that she just walked and she suddenly thought in her head oh need a way and then the next minute she's like what the hell is that and it was just wet everywhere down her legs and she didn't understand she couldn't she was like it wasn't like I thought bursting bursting it just it poured out can I just say I'm still wearing obviously this stomach right now which is replicating Sophie It is quite a lot of pressure on me at the moment Oh my god This cannot be true It's quite a lot of pressure on me And what is hard When you're going through this Whole existence Is like from the male point of view Because we talk a lot about like The women's perspective From the dude's point of view It's very hard to understand what you're going through Because I'm not in your brain and in your body So I don't understand anything I don't understand the pain, the lack of breath the pelvic kegels.

14:14I don't understand the hormones. I don't understand anything. The round ligament pain. What's the round ligament pain? That is a pain. When my stomach was stretching open, it's now gone. You know, they said it'll be two weeks and then the pain will go. And it went. Yeah, basically my abs ripped open. And whilst they did it, it was really painful. I'm living hell. Sophie literally woke up one morning and she said, I think I'm having the baby. And I went, and also what happens in these situations is Sophie will say to me, I think I'm having the baby no I never said that no you never said like that I'm joking so what a weird thing to say no but as in as in you feel like like why would you lie like that those words never remotely came out my mouth no you you say in in like not a real way but you're like it feels like you're you're giving labour I said it feels very strange what I'm feeling right now yeah which is then these things called Brax and Hicks and lots of different things right that's quite a lot of things that happens so you you say these things and so and when the Guy is, when the husband or partner is standing there who doesn't understand it, in your head, you're basically outside, you're trying to stay calm.

15:18You're like this. You do this, you go, well, it's totally normal and fine. But inside, you're going, right, what do we need to do? Pack the bag, let's go to hospital. You're thinking all these things internally, but you just want to stay calm. Well, let me tell you nothing about you as calm. This is you, this is you. Come on. So tell me, tell me, like, what does that mean then? Like, what does that mean if you are having the baby? I said, I'm not having the baby. I've just got a Braxton Hick But so Okay right Well Okay I'm just going to call around I'm going to call every doctor Or friend that has any medical history And I'm just going to Spread some rumours That you've got all these pains And then you Walk walk walk And you're like Just so hectic Okay well Why don't we do this And then you do the whole Tell me you're rubbing This one that I've got wearing No without that Okay little lady Why don't we do this Why don't we do a little bit of role play?

16:13I will play you and you play me and you react how I should be reacting.

16:25I've got, you know, I've got a little bit of pain here. What can I do? Take a seat. Give me your bags. Okay, here you go. Sit down immediately. Okay. Okay, I'm going to go get you a hot chocolate and let me rub your back.

16:40yeah that sounds instead you asked me okay that sounds about right i don't do any of that so hang on a second let me just get what you do this again let me just do what you do let me just no no let me just play that in my head one more time so i remember it okay oh i think i've got this braxton hicks my stomach i thought it really hurts so what does that mean what are braxton hicks what are braxton hicks so are braxton hicks so are you giving birth So what would it mean if you gave bath now? Do you think that would be bad? Should we call somebody? Do you think it's, oh, do you know what, Sophie?

17:10I think it's because of the vitamin D you're having. How much vitamin D have you had? Have you walked? When did you walk today? Have you sat down? Okay, right. Do you know what? That's it. We're cancelling everything. You are never going back to work. You're going to stay in bed for the rest of the eternity. Okay, right. That's it. We need to sit you down. Sit down on the right side of the road here. Okay. That's it. Sit down there. Okay. So what do we do now? should we go to the hospital do you think we should go to the hospital that's what you do fucking hell I'm hectic and I'm like I haven't even caught my breath so hang on a second I then take a sip of my sparkling water oh that's what you're doing wrong you're drinking sparkling water that's stupid Sophie that is stupid you are so full that's what he tells me guys he goes it's because you're so full because you're eating so much that you're getting bats and hits just so you all know I'm just trying and then he says and if you drink the sparkling water on top of all the food you've eaten, it's going to give you Braxton Hicks because you have no space in your stomach.

18:05Jamie, that's just not how it works. Okay, so let me get in my mind now and all the blokes who are listening, maybe in the car, or maybe your partner's got it on, you're listening in the background. Here we go, let's take note now. This is the best piece of advice you're going to get. Again, let's do it. So I'm you and I say, ah, stomach hurts a little bit. I think I got Braxton Hicks. What should I do? Don't worry, that's fine. We know Braxton Hicks are fine You've spoken to the doctor It's absolutely fine Let's just get you home Get you to lie down I'll make you a hot chocolate And I'll rub your back I don't really want you to rub my back I just Okay I'll rub your feet But your feet are so wide My feet are so wide now There's a lot of surface area Okay I'll give you a head massage Shit I'm doing none of this Damn Girl Girl Girl Girl You just taught me girl Can I just tell you the funniest story That I got told yesterday so I'm getting my hair done right and my hairdresser who is just amazing you know him Alexi shout out Alexi he's just you just need to know him to know how funny this story is Alexi is like a human cat he's like a black cat Italian like so chic wears Mugler like he's just yeah and very sort of flamboyant flamboyant and loves fashion and loves doing hair and is outspoken in the best way.

19:28Right. So I'm pregnant and I'm like, do you think we've got one? Do I rebook in or am I going to see you after the baby? Yeah. And he's like, well, you could book in, but well, I'll tell you about my last client. So he was doing this client's hair. She's due in two weeks. And suddenly she's like, I think I'm giving birth. He has to get his scrubs on and he, yeah, he showed me. You're lying. He takes His scrubs Why does he have scrubs He takes her to the hostel He stays They call the hostel The hostel's like Coming in the morning At 7am You're in labour But wait till 7am He stayed up with this woman Till 4am He then Client Yeah client He dropped Because her husband was away For works It was two weeks Before the due day And he takes her to the hostel And he put on Lana Del Rey And he held the baby Named the baby No He gave up To his client Yes And I was crying of laughter And he just There's photos of him And his scrubs With his little Mooglash shoes on Holding this baby You're lying I'm not lying That is so mental Secondly The chance of me Be able to go away on holiday Two weeks before the birth Uh uh That ain't happening girl I can't stop saying girl That ain't happening girl Bye Alright girl Wow Okay That's a lot I'm I'm brilliantly excited I'm going to be there the whole way, baby.

20:57Obviously. We've made our pregnancy playlist. Now we need to make our get pushed playlist. What is that? That's when it's go time. And then you've got to amp it up. Like a bat out of hell. Like a bat out of hell. Everyone in this room could choose a song. So I'll think of you all whilst I'm pushing. Okay. Mine would be...

21:23I feel good That wah was good Wah I feel good That is good Try to do the wah Wah I feel good Let me go Wah I feel good Last time Wah Mine's like a baby Mine's really good here Okay, no, no. Let's move on now. One more, one more. Mwah! I feel good. Yeah, you're good. Thanks, baby. Thanks, you're good, girl. We hosted a premiere. We hosted The Roses premiere, which, by the way... Oh, my God, guys, it's so funny. You have to watch it. It is genuinely so funny. Sophie, by the way, shout out In Your Heels for six hours hosting it. It was, like, amazing. And your energy was freaking fire. it was far until the main people came on it was no it was fire until it was far for about three hours and then the last three hours it was dipping i will say and it was it was a shame are you kidding me it was i was blackout i didn't know where i was and what i was doing all i was thinking is i don't think my shit we're gonna have to literally take me to hospital and get my shoes surgically removed off for these swollen feet like there was no way they were coming off we had to interview benedict cumberbatch and olivia coleman and they came on stage together and we had to announce people onto the Leicester Square red carpet.

22:49And if it was Benedict Cumberbatch, I would have to say, please, ladies and gentlemen of Leicester Square, welcome to the red carpet, Oscar-nominated actor, Benedict Cumberbatch! Olivia Colman came up and I went, Sophie, your turn to announce Olivia Colman onto the red carpet. And what did you say, Soph? I went, it's Olivia Colman Ami Award winner. Ami? And then the minute I said it, I then could read the rest of her intro because I was like, what? You surely. By the way, she was also right in front of us watching us. I thought you fucking. Ami award winner. And then she came up and I think this is the moment where maybe the tiredness has slightly kicked in.

23:35This was me right peak. I was just, my head was in the gutter. I didn't know where to look, how to pull myself out of it. I was like, someone inject me with Lucas A, please. and Sophie had before had a conversation with me she said stop talking over me and I went alright I'm so sorry I don't mean to talk over you because I always talk over her so I was like right well you can we'll just go like ping pong you do a question I'll do a question ping pong guys not just Jamie Mew and me do the whole fucking eight minute interview with them because that's the longest interview I'd run out of questions and you just looking at me like this I was like screw you anyway whole thing happened and at the end we had our earpieces in and i went well thank you so much to lesser square enjoy the movie the roses it's out tomorrow and on my script it said sophie say goodbye and let everyone go i went okay and see everyone you know it's out tomorrow just totally blank and in our ears the guy was saying say goodbye sophie say goodbye sophie and Sophie was just looking at me no I just went goodbye totally blank no one was left at this point it was like 10 minutes 10 minutes it was like my brain registered that that guy in my ear was talking to me like a good 10 minutes later so I was off the stage and I just suddenly thought oh shit he was telling me to say goodbye goodbye no one was there silence oh god oh god I saw this clip the other day by the way I have a question for you When guys go to take a poo A number two Do you know where they put their penises?

25:13In between their legs You do know that But why would you? Because the poo slide next to it then It's like very close It's very unhygienic So where do you think guys should put their penis If they go to take a poo? On top of their knees Like in between their Like in hot Like I would like squidge it So what would you do? I'd be doing kegels Holding my willy in between my legs Because you all think if it's hanging down The poo is going to drop onto it Well, it's very close bacteria. That's a risk hazard. So, okay, so explain to me. You need a poo. You're a boy. You've got a penis. You go and sit in the loo.

25:43What do you do with the penis? I would just like flop it on one left leg or the right leg. Flop it? Well, I mean, I don't know. You're not a rat when you're doing shit, surely. Or are you? Sometimes because it's called a shank. A shit and a wank. No, I really, really dislike that. I really dislike the idea of someone wanking whilst doing shit. that is not fun for me at all. And it makes, I really don't like men at the moment. What do you mean you don't like men? I just, I've become pregnant at this stage and I just really dislike all men. Including your husband? Unless they're gay. Kind of, yeah.

26:20Every man in the gym is like a beast to me. I just want to say, they honestly, they are sick to death of this pregnant woman. They're like, get off the machine. Like they basically, they railroad me off the machines. And I'm like, I have every right to be here but I just quiver because I'm a vulnerable little lady. You're not vulnerable in any way. I'm a vulnerable pregnant lady and these, you know, can I just describe who it is? It's like the 50 year old man who's like absolutely shredded within an inch of his life. He's got the grey hair. He's in the cycling shorts. He clearly spends his whole life just exercising and eating bone broth.

26:54He's in the gym and he's like, I'm, you know, I'm 50 and I'm absolutely shredded or he could be even 60 and shredded and good for you, mate. Well done. Don't try and intimidate me And get me off the machine Because I'm going to do it At the slow snail pace That I'm doing it at But I'll know He gives me two longer looks And I have to get off And let him sit down You sit your hand on that Yeah With his scrawny little balm You go girl Oh god You're not You're not a timid little thing though You're quite a strong alpha No I'm a vulnerable Young woman I like that So you're hating but you're not hating your husband too much?

27:32Not too much, no. Out of 10 on a Richter scale, what is it? Not a lot. When you came home so drunk on Saturday night and decided to go over and over again and tell me how much you and my dad are best friends, I was like, I can't hear it one more time. You got angry? Okay, hang on a second. I go out to the football with your dad. We go and have a great time. We then go to the pub afterwards. We get drunk together. I haven't been drunk. I've been drunk. Guys, I'm talking Hammond. Like, you're wasted. Thank God I went home because I was almost embarrassingly drunk. Your dad said to me that when he got up from the table, he felt like one of those drunk old men that he couldn't really quite hold onto the sides.

28:09I don't remember coming back, but I ate a whole tub of ice cream. You ate more than that. I promise you the whole house amount of burnt toast. So you were chowing down everything. What toast did I eat? All the toast that we got in the house. And I'll tell you what else you did. You then went to sleep with your boxing, your weird boxing on your little iPad. By the way, it's like 9pm. I'm watching Vampire Diaries in bed. he is all over me with his stinking stinking alcohol breath and then you go to sleep and I wake you up after five minutes of you like passed out and I said is the door double locked and your response was no don't worry it's not a coincidence that it's locked I was like what are you on about and for a good half an hour I don't know if a devil got in you or you had a brain seizure I don't know what happened but you spoke gobblesy goop for me for half an hour and then you got up and went to the loo so like you were awake but I don't know if you were asleep and you were like it's okay there's a coincidence and if it's convenient for you I'll just let the door open I was like what are you talking about?

29:07How angry were you? For half an hour you stirred pee I went in and checked on you and you were just still there but don't think your willy was even in your hands you were just staring towards the wall That's the most terrifying thing I've ever had It was so weird That's so terrifying And then you just got in and went back to bed and asleep Alright listen My stomach is feeling full I'm a bit all over the place right now I think it's time for Dictionary Corner Dictionary Corner Pregnancy Edition Dictionary Edition Okay, ready? Right, I have a Dictionary Corner And I have some words for you that are pregnancy and birth related And I want you, Jamie, to tell me what they mean Okay, Sophie, you tell me what it is Pika Pika Pika?

29:52Pika? Oh, that's weird Sorry, Pika Picker Picker Picker Picker Or one word Picker P-I-C-A Picker I don't know What is it A pregnancy craving For non-food items Like chalk or soil That is fucking bizarre That is mad So people want to like Eat some Your hair Or your finger Well maybe that's cannibalism Okay tell me another one Come on Relaxin Oh yeah We know about this one Relaxin Tell me what You know what this is Because we keep Getting told it Well tell me what relaxin is Hormone that loosens ligaments to prepare for childbirth. That is why I'm feeling like werewolf. Well, that was brilliant.

30:31A little pregnancy edition. What is it time for now, you little sassy girl? It's time for Listener's Messages. Talk dirty to me.

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33:37Okay, right, I've got a pregnancy story from Lucy. When I was 15 weeks pregnant I had a bleed And have had lots of scans and physical checks Luckily it turned out to be nothing But I was on really high alert after that Fast water around 20 weeks And my bump was so big That I completely lost sight of my toes I was getting ready for work And I decided to have a lovely everything shower To pump myself Shaved, exfoliated, hair mask, the full works I was feeling great Until I hopped out the shower and had a wee After my wee I looked down at my tissue And to my horror I saw blood This has happened to me too This is really scary This happened to me too By the way this is very scary For pregnant people I get it I immediately rang my woodwife Who asked me a few questions Did I have cramping?

34:19How much blood? I grabbed my handheld mirror To take a peek Under my huge bum To see how bad The situation actually was I was narrating to my woodwife Everything I could see When I noticed the blood Was only coming from the left side I wiped away the blood Only to see a razor cut On my left labia I had just cut my vans While shaving Because I could barely reach it around my huge belly. We've all been there. My poor midwife held it together for the rest of the phone call, but I just know the second she hung up, she absolutely pissed herself laughing. After the shaving incident and a few more drums along the way, including a fourth degree tear, which is two holes into one for the initiated, uninitiated.

34:59Wait, is that during pregnancy? That's from vagina to asshole. Oh my God. Oh my God. I finally got to meet my beautiful daughter who we called Honey. She is absolutely as sweet as honey And I do it all again in a heartbeat for her Let's go Jesus I can't see my feet underneath this So as I was going to shave my veg I wouldn't be able to see anything Well yeah I know that's a problem Apparently people get their friends to do it for them Or husband I'll shave your veg Absolutely not I'll get underneath there and I'll shave the veg No you're really weirding me out This whole podcast Like you've got something bizarre going on with you Hey I got a wild story Are you ready for this?

35:40Yeah Fucking breathe From Katie Are you actually uncomfortable? I'm uncomfortable yes It's very tight on me It's uncomfortable I'm realising a bit more what it's like Alright Shake your shoe with me From Katie I just want to say how much I love you guys And literally laugh out loud on every episode So I couldn't not share this very funny story with you When I was pregnant with my first He's now 13 And having attended the antenatal classes and read all the books. I was very in tune with all the warning signs that I signalled that the birth was imminent. I became obsessed with the mucus plug, which usually comes out after 37 weeks signalling your body is preparing for labour.

36:20Just quickly, the mucus plug doesn't sound that... Bloody cottage cheese is what it's described as. And that just drops out of you. Yeah. It's your body preparing for labour, but it can be lost weeks, days or hours before active labor starts. A couple of weeks before my due date, after going for a wee and wiping, I clearly had said mucus, oh my God, on the toilet paper. It was semi-solid, clear and jelly-like. As the oversharer that I am, I saved it on the toilet paper to show my husband when he came to bed. He took longer than anticipated, so I put it on the floor next to the bed while I waited for him.

37:01My husband finally gets into bed and I excitedly announce that I have something important to show him. I reached down to the side of the bed to grab it, only to find my small Maltese terrier Piccolo with a piece of toilet paper, suspiciously hanging out of the mouth. Piccolo had eaten my mucus plug. Oh guys, if I didn't feel sick enough today, these have really tipped me over the edge. I've got a love story We need to Oh God Oh my God My husband was absolutely disgusted with me For A Keeping it in the first place To show him And B That her dog had eaten it But it still makes me laugh to this day No Just like I hope your friends then come over And they get kissed by Piccolo And they have no idea That Piccolo Let it lick in your mouth With that mucus plug Well I mean I don't like to do that anyway Love story From Charlotte Charlotte My dad was diagnosed with gallbladder cancer in 2013 and in November he went into remission and he was told he was okay.

38:05However, my world fell apart a few days after Christmas when we got the news that my dad's cancer had spread and had just one week left. It devastated our whole family. In January 2014, my dad peacefully passed away, surrounded by his family. He was a family man and always told me that he couldn't wait for grandchildren. Mine and my family's lives haven't been the same since. I fell pregnant in 2018 and after 40 hours of labor I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy We called him Max and his middle name is James after my dad My dad's humor and mannerisms have carried through to my little boy And it's given me such comfort to feel like my dad's Like part of my dad is still with us Jamie I think he'll be such an amazing dad My partner also has ADHD and since becoming a dad His ADHD has really brought out his inner big kid Which my little boy loves for him Congratulations again And wishing you both the best of luck with it all Aw, Charlotte Congratulations That got you two, didn't it?

39:05I know, because it's just so sad about her dad Not me, but it's like so beautiful He's watching down from above, 100 % Hey, we want to send you guys all the love in the world And thank you so much for sending in your messages I love them, we love them, we love you You're the best Keep sending them in I say it every single time At Nearly Parents Podcast On Instagram My stomach Or send us an email Nearlyparents At jampoproductions.co.uk That's the end of listeners' messages We love you Right, before we get into our next little section I've got a quick question for you We're not having sex at the moment Understandably We know this We've passed it We've moved on from it We get it Do you think we'd make good swingers?

39:51Well Do you Sophie Charlotte Herbualeng Born 1994 October 19th In Warwick Hospital Do you think we'd make good swingers? So you want to start swinging When I'm this pregnant Chuck our keys into a bowl And pray that some man wants to Shag me while I look like this And you're going to go off And have your way with some women Absolutely not Your way Do you think we'd make good swingers though? If we were invited to a swingers party No, I'd kill you What do you mean you'd kill me? I'd kill you So if I just approached you We were having dinner one night And I said look I think we should open up our relationship What is your response going to be?

40:38Okay, I'll fall for divorce Okay Well let's not then have an open relationship That's what I would say But if we were then to go to a swingers party And they started putting Yes Things in the and they said, right, we're going to play a little game. I wouldn't mind watching it unfold, but if you dare dip your little toe in. I don't understand. I'm saying with you, I don't understand how that works. The thought of me watching you where some other bloke bones you. Bones you? You're really weirding me out today. I don't know. You're just like something going on. You're honestly perving away. It would just be the most hectic thing in the world.

41:14No, I'd never forgive you. And I'd be doing it, giving you a thumbs up. Yeah, like this is good. I mean, look, each their own. It's really fascinating. Maybe in 10 years time we'll be all over it. Who knows? As for now, it's a solid no from me. So you think in 10 years time we could organize a swingers party with our friends? Get Yui around. I bet there's loads of swingers. Magda, Yungam. I bet there are swingers and people we know. 100 % there are. 100 % some of our friends go to sex parties. Our friends? I guarantee they do. Who? I don't know, but I guarantee they do. Well, then maybe we need to spice things up.

41:51I don't think you'd be able to do it. I just don't think... I think you'd start laughing, firstly. I think you'd find it incredibly awkward. Do they wear, like, gimp outfits? You can wear whatever you want. Like, do you have your full face out or are you wearing a mask? You can wear a mask, yeah. I would go in full fancy dress and I'd have a great time. Put a bag on your head. No, I'd, like, dress up as, like, Ariel. Mermaid. Slither in. I would be like that Sophia Boo dressed as Ariel No, because I would have my face painted and I'd look cool I would still hurt you And then I would watch and I would just voyeur everyone And I would just find out who's doing what So you would masturbate in the corner Oh sorry, no, is that what voyeur is?

42:29Yes Oh, I'd just watch with my beady eyes Until it got a bit too graphic and then I'd probably turn away But anyone touching me, I'd be like Note-ed, noted I want the listeners, you guys, to let us know Or whoever's watching this on YouTube If you've ever been to a sex party Let us know anonymously What it was like We want stories Want to know what has happened If it was a swingers party What you dressed up as What happened I want to freaking know Right honey I have a game for you It's called Would you rather Alright Are you ready for this Would you rather game I'm ready You better be ready Okay Would you rather Our baby looks exactly like me But has your personality Or looks like you But has my personality He looks like me and your personality.

43:15Because your personality is so vibrant. I don't have a... No, it isn't. So you would rather the baby not look like me? I want to walk down the street and people go, oh my God, that baby's a mini you. As in you? If I have a choice, yeah, like a mini me. And then your personality. But not my looks. Well, I don't mind. You're not giving me an option of both. All right. I was a really cute baby, though. Oh my God, you keep sending me pictures of her as a baby. I mean, like, oh, look how cute I was. I was like, that's you as a baby. Okay. Would you rather the baby only falls asleep if you play drum and bass on full volume or if you both sing lullabies perfectly in tune?

43:54Lullabies perfectly in tune. That'd never happen though, so we can't. Would you rather the baby never stops crying unless Jamie does a TikTok dance or unless Sophie reads aloud in a thick Yorkshire accent? Oh me, I love reading aloud in a thick Yorkshire accent. Would you rather the pram has squeaky wheels that sound like a fart Or it plays the Made in Chelsea theme tune everywhere you go It's got to be the squeaky wheels that sound like Oh my god that's so brutal It's got to be squeaky wheels Imagine the Made in Chelsea theme tune everywhere you're in That's a criminal event Would you rather the baby's godparents are all of Sophie's exes Or Jamie's exes My exes obviously we wouldn't have many if it was my exes if it was yours you would have plenty no I wouldn't look at that little you would have a queue well maybe your exes then because then our baby would have a lot of like Christmas presents because you have like 855 exes oh no it would only be a good thing no nor me would you rather have amazing sex once a year or mediocre sex three times a week I know your answer okay amazing once a year it's crushing it maybe once I mean yeah I'd be a bit worried for us you've gone a few months with not roaring I think we're borderline we could be one year soon right it will be one year at one point I would definitely go mediocre should we do like a test and see if we can make it to one year no sex fuck no are you joking what kind of test is that I'll go to the swingers party okay I would have mediocre sex three times a week I know you would okay here we go would you rather only have sex when your dad watches or only have sex when your mum watches?

45:39That's illegal. Would you rather only have sex if your mum watches or only have sex if my mum watches? Your mum. Over my mum, for sure. I don't think Penny would care. She'd probably give us some like critique, like some pointers after this. I think she would sort of cheer us on halfway through. Yeah, me too. Yeah, yeah. She'd probably have a word with you afterwards and be like, I'd change this up if I were you. All right. That's the end of Would You Rather? Well, that's all we got time for, folks, on this little week of Nearly Parents Podcast. Hey, before we go, we do have our weird pranksy tip of the week, which is, now just a reminder that these aren't science-based, but just the weird tips you lot send us.

46:23It's from Willow. Thank you, Willow. It says this, charge your bump under the full moon to align the baby's chakras. We go under the moon. You charge your crystals. Yeah, we go under the moon and we do it that way. Let's do that tonight. Oh, it's not a full moon, babes. Alright babes When the next full moon is We do I'll be out there naked Charging my pump Ladies and gentlemen That is the end of our podcast For another week And don't you fear Oh no Oh no Because we're going to be back next week Oh yeah we are We love you so much If you want to get in touch You can via our Instagram At nearlyparentspodcast Also if you haven't subscribed To the show Please do Just click the button Subscribe And also You can send us an email Nearlyparents At jamboproductions.co.uk If you're getting married We love you.

47:07If you're getting divorced. We love you. If you want to become a swinger. Go do it. Have some fun. If you're getting engaged and just thinking about it. Go do it. And if you're having a baby. We love you. Congratulations. Goodbye. See you later. Goodbye.

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