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2:11Well, greetings, everybody. We are back to off-air with Jane and Fee. And Eve. And Eve's in the room. Yeah. Briefly, between holidays, Eve has rejoined us. hannah is outside on the desk but uh she's here in our hearts yes very much so very much so now lady how are you yes i'm all right thanks i'm back back back back and um i'm still at that stage of returning to what passes for my normal life where i'm just blinking with relief and a certain element of just delight i'm just embracing um all my old domestic routines how's your dad he is all right um i mean i have mentioned in the past obviously my mom died just before christmas my dad is nearly 93 he's 93 in three weeks four weeks very soon um and he is in hospital but is coming out of hospital today and going into a care home and i i say this and i probably won't say anymore because it's not fair on him because i remember i was discussing in the past that our mothers had both tried to listen to the podcast and hadn't liked it because there was too much laughter.

3:21I'm not even sure my dad knows it really exists. So I think to say any more would just be unfair on him. But what I will say is that in common with lots and lots of people, I have been fully exposed now to the reality of what is going on in the NHS. And all those conversations last week around social care as well, they were so... Pertinent. Yes. We're certainly not the only family by any stretch living through all this and the repercussions of it and the implications of it. So, but he's had great care at Liverpool's main hospital. People will know which one it is. And there are only two and he's in the one called Aintree.

4:00So it's, and I can't fault the staff. They've been brilliant actually and so patient. So patient with, shall we say, some, you know, occasionally quite challenging individuals. Not my dad actually. But it's tough. It's a tough old environment. And I think a lot of people will definitely understand that the real difficulty, I think not just with older people, but is getting into the hospital, any hospital, wherever you are in the UK, is actually the hardest thing of all at the moment because you've got to get through A &E and you've got to endure. They have to find a bed. You've got to get your bed.

4:36The other side of A &E. And you may well be on the corridor. And for various reasons, complicated story, Dad was taken to hospital twice the week before last. And that meant that he had two separate A &E experiences. But on both occasions, I was with him on both occasions, and there were around, and I tried to count to be completely accurate, because I don't want to exaggerate, but I just want to be honest, there were about 11 or 12 people on trolleys in the corridor at A &E on both occasions. And they're individuals with their own stories, varying in age from, I know, it looked like late teens right up to 90s and probably beyond, actually, in one case I saw.

5:18And it's, you know, they've been triaged. They're not just dumped in the corridor. So the staff are obviously concentrating on the really seriously ill people. But it's just really tough. I mean, some of these people were there on their own. Well, I think also, Jane, an awful lot of people who haven't witnessed it, and you don't wish it on people at all, but don't realise that corridor care is now... accepted in a hospital. Which I think would really, apart from anything else, flabbergast the older generation if they were looking ahead, you know, from the heyday of the NHS to where we are now, that it has become accepted that a corridor is somewhere where somebody is being cared for.

6:01So your dad is moving to a care home and it's a care home that he knows. Well, it's in the area. he's always he spent his entire life and he has visited people there in the past and again this is something i mean other people will know about this you can only choose a care home on the basis of if you're lucky recommendation and um and on proximity and whether or not they've got a bed it's it's as simple as that and if they haven't well you have to go somewhere else and then there's the financial implications of it all and it's it's you know it's it's not easy for anyone involved in these decisions and my sister and I have been able to work together on this but if you're an only child and I've said this before this all falls on you oh my goodness I mean yes and I don't know how they do it unbelievably difficult and also the proximity thing I think then really really comes into play Jane so you know if you live if you're an only child and you live a long way away from the parent who needs your help uh you know factoring that in as well I think is so, well, I know it's incredibly difficult for people.

7:11So yes, the system is creaking. I don't want to make the personal political, but actually Andy Burnham last week did speak very movingly, very touchingly actually about his family's experience of social care because his father has dementia. And he said, I think, some very valuable things. Just, you know, the people who are caring for his dad are invaluable to the family and have enabled the family, you know, to actually carry on being able to have their lives as well, which is such an important part of it. And also a lot of them come from abroad. They are very welcome here. You know, they're welcome because they're treating people in a time of need.

7:54So it's very important to be respectful about them. Well, yes. I thought it was very good that he brought that to the party, actually, because I'm sure it's not easy to do. Everybody wants to be very cynical. about politics at the moment. So I thought of you when he was saying that. Well, yes, I mean, you know what I'm like. I was thinking of me when he said it too. Let's just own it. But do you know what I think one of the problems with social care is actually that phrase social care? Because I think, I don't think, a lot of people don't know what it means. Well, also it means so much. Because it means everything from taking care of an SEND child right the way through to bed blocking in the very elderly and dementia care and end-of-life care.

8:35What phrase could we use that would make people just engage with it a bit more? Because I think also, I mean, this again could absolutely and has applied to me. It's just an area I've chosen not to think much about. I was obviously aware that my parents are getting older, as we all are, but I wasn't quite sure whether it would end. My mum died in hospital, for example, so this didn't crop up with her. And in many ways, she had an absolutely gold star exit. and it's not been that easy for my dad. He's had a tougher diagnosis and, you know, it's been properly difficult for him. And I've been very impressed by his courage, actually, in plugging along, but, you know, not easy.

9:13So, yeah, let's try and think of another way of actually describing it all. And I just think we do have to probably own the fact that we are going to have to pay more tax. I don't see any other way around it. And I don't like the expression death tax. and I know people want to be able to leave something to their children and grandchildren. Let's try and come up with a way of people pay a bit but not everything they've saved. And all of us have to start paying into some form of, I don't know, would it be, is it a kind of insurance thing you need to start as soon as you start working? I mean, who knows?

9:51Bigger brains than mine are going to have to work on this. So when we were talking about it last week on the live show, Quite a few people messaged in to say, take a look at what Ireland did. And they had a kind of a lottery sweepstake, that will be the wrong terminology for it, that created a windfall of money in order to change the system. We did have a suggestion not to call anything a death tax, but a small charge on your estate after you died, which is a much nicer way of putting it. you know there's a whole everything from the tiniest infinitesimal description right to the very very big problem of paying for it that actually needs a bit of a revamp but we do have another review coming that's annoyed people right as well i mean it's being done by louise casey personally i think she is a great lifter-upper of stones and what she finds underneath gets a jolly good airing but we're not long after the last great big review so i don't well anyway let's let's hold our fire on that one i you know i think it's it's good that it will be right at the top of the agenda again but yes i mean people's experiences you say uh you know that you didn't know much about it i mean i think that's chosen not to absolutely put my head in the sand but but i i think that's a very very natural and even though i've done interviews about it for many years it's so ridiculous it is a massive part of the problem that until you're in it yeah you don't realize the overwhelming extent of it but equally i'm not sure that every life uh you know on a day-to-day basis has to be lived with the worst eventuality being considered i think that is a bit of a it's a bit of an ask and if you think of the tone of our last prime minister who was trying to make us do that about everything it didn't work no because it was a little bit do me and whereas Mr Burnham's spreading a bit of sunshine isn't he?

11:50The weather's been good since he took over. Andy Burnham's policy burps they just come over every day. I did notice that there was a big belch every single morning last week wasn't there? There's a very very big burp and I'm enjoying them. I'm enjoying them. Well I should also have said that whilst there was a lot of chatter on the wireless last week I was listening in about all the heat it wasn't actually that hot on Mersey's side at all It was about 20 Celsius and mostly rather grey skies and a little bit of a breeze. So it was kind of slightly welcome. There was even rain. I noticed there was rain.

12:24Now you're just boasting. I'm sorry. Yet again, it's better in Liverpool. There was rain on a number of occasions, which was most welcome. Is it becoming an increasingly appealing place for you to retire too? Yes, maybe I should. But I think it's when you're away from home, when you don't expect to be away from home, that it can be, even at my advanced age, quite discombobulating. Sorry. Even at your advanced age? How old are you now? 108. No, you're 62. Yeah, you were going to say 63 then. Almost did. You're 62. And Raimundo? Is nearly 93. Nearly 93. And your mum lived to be 92. 91. 91. one and a half have you considered the possibility that you have half your life again ahead of you believe me i have been thinking about that over and again that's another when you spend a bit of time in a hospital with you know let's be honest older residents which um yeah you do you do find yourself asking all those questions how long should we live for and because really it should be about quality and not necessarily quantity and there's a lot of people putting in a proper shift not just working in the NHS with older people but visiting them and I was talking to a few of the other visitors last week and you know some of them were in much more challenging circumstances than me with my dad who was who doesn't have dementia so is was on the whole happy to sit and chat to me well do you remember that lovely bit of storyline in Leonard and Hungry Paul oh yes about being a hospital visitor yeah and having your eyes open to thousands of different emotions and lives and all of that great great thing yes i mean that's the other thing when you're in one of those a and e bays because my dad wasn't on the corridor for long i don't want to suggest he was there for hours because actually on neither occasion was he on the corridor for hours um and i need to absolutely be honest about that but in the a and e bay where he was taken to you are exposed to all these family crises unfolding around you, some involving older people, but not all of them by any stretch of the imagination.

14:34And it's bloody tough. Brutal. It is. It is actually brutal and very exposing. On the other side of the story is, just to emphasise again, how good and compassionate the care has been. Were you visited by anybody from hospital radio, asking if Raimondo wanted to have a track played? I'm not actually sure. There is a hospital radio station at that one. I think there is at the Royal Liverpool Hospital, but I could be wrong. Because when I was in my very first job after uni, I worked at the Royal Liverpool Hospital as a medical records clerk. And there was a hospital radio station. I worked on Bromley Hospital Radio.

15:08Did you? Of course, yes. And were you a DJ? Yes, I did some presenting work. And how did that go? That was fine. Well, was it fine for you or fine for the listeners? Well, I don't know. I only mention hospital radio because I heard a contributor to Ken Bruce's show. What have you been listening to that? Sometimes I like to listen to a little, just a tiny bit of greatest hits radio. Just to be clear, she said. Greatest hits. You can't say it any other way. Greatest hits radio. And he had a caller. I love the way that Ken is with his callers. Because he manages to do that thing that is so rare to be able to pull off, where he is both kind and compassionate and knowing at the same time.

15:55It's a very fine line to cross over into having a giggle at someone's expense, which would just be incredibly unpleasant. But he had a caller who was a DJ on hospital radio, and I think Ken was very much his hero, and it was just a wonderful exchange. But it did make me think, wow, hospital radio must be really up against it now. You'd have to be very, very dedicated, because, I mean, presumably your dad had forms of entertainment through a phone and a screen and all of that. I mean, hospital radio existed because there was nothing else. You couldn't play a radio on a ward. It's a good question, actually.

16:28They didn't, it wasn't on his ward. They didn't have those individual tellies, which they do have on some other wards. I guess it depends how old the ward is. Yes. To be honest, none of the chaps where he was would have been interested in any entertainment, really. Right. Dad had his couple of hardbacks from the library. But I'm not, it's funny. he was saying how hard it is to concentrate on reading because there's always I mean you're never more than 10 minutes away from someone coming along with a trolley either with drugs to take your blood pressure or to have a conversation with you about what you want for the meal the next day have you ever had what you know when you're lying oh gosh well the last time I was in hospital which actually was a long time ago was after my daughter was born I mean I just couldn't believe that I was being asked to choose food for the following day and also I just kept and hoping we'd be gone by then.

17:16Well, they'd have left. Really? It is very hard to get yourself inside the mind. What am I going to feel like? And they give you the options. And obviously there's quite a lot of shouting because a lot of the chaps were deaf. So it was... But all I'd say is to anyone who's experienced the NHS all-day breakfast thoughts and prayers, I've seen it and I've smelt it. I'm just not certain I could eat it. But it was certainly on offer. It's, yeah. I do remember a meal I had in... because the end time I've been in hospital as an adult maternity, which I don't think you can really compare to anything else, can you?

17:49It's not, I've never, I've been very fortunate. I've never been an inpatient apart from that as an adult. And I remember one meal, which was entirely white, cod, mashed potato and cauliflower. And it was just beige. Yeah, well, it wasn't, it was kind of slightly, one of the farro and ball white colours. I don't know what it would be, but it wasn't, it really was. The opposite of appetising. I think it would probably be called ache. Yes, well, yes, that would be. Farron ball ache. It's an NHS white. But we mustn't diss it, because where would we be without it? Oh, my God, and imagine this summer if you're working in an NHS kitchen.

18:31Blimey, I'm arriving. Yeah, it must be tough. Anyway. So, we made a decision about the North Berwick show, and given everything that you've just said about what's happened over the last week or so, we really hope that people will understand because although your dad is moving into hopefully a more settled place, there is just a possibility. Well, I mean, let's say you need to be somewhere urgently. Yeah, and I will pop back later on this week to just see how he's getting on. My sister's with him at the moment. You know what it's like? It's just an endless, and I'm not complaining because we have many advantages, it's just a juggle.

19:07We're all trying to do as much as we can to make sure we can carry on a semblance of our normal lives whilst Dad's okay and my sister's kids are all right. It's just one of those endless juggles. But the straw that might break the camel's back is a massive trip to do something up to Scotland. Massive because we live down here in... Not massive in any other. And by the way, I'm so sorry about this because it's such a lovely event. It's a lovely, lovely event. And we thoroughly enjoyed it last year. We really did. And we are very, very keen to go next year. Let's hope that can happen. But what we can say, and I hate disappointing people.

19:46I know that this is absolutely not something we'd do without just cause. But we do want to say that there is still the opportunity to hear the brilliant and see the brilliant Jan Ravens in conversation with Ruth Davidson. Yeah. So we also made the decision to ask somebody else to do it because personally, I think that you and I, you know, our show is you and I and quite a lot of the show in as much as it had been. Starling, don't overthink it. Exactly. Nobody has. But, you know, it is very much reference to the podcast and we completely understand that's why people want to come. So we decided we would just not go this year.

20:36Ruth Davidson has stepped up and stepped in. She'll be absolutely brilliant. For the audience in North Berwick, that is just superb. Very entertaining. She's sharp as a tack. She will do a very brilliant job. You can still see Jan. So do still go is what we're saying, but we're sorry it's not us. We really are. And Jan is fantastic. I've been listening to a bit of Dead Ringers and she is excellent at, and I don't mean in any way to diss the woman in question because she does a brilliant Sue Mitchell, who is a truly towering BBC. Documentary maker. She's fabulous. And she's done so many brilliant investigative podcasts.

21:14She is a wonderful and talented and brave woman, but Jan just does an absolutely brilliant impersonation of her which I do urge people to catch when they listen to Dead Ringers. Well, I tell you what, if you do go along to the Ruth Davidson, Jan Ravens show in North Berwick, do ask Jan if she does an impersonation of either of us. Well, I interviewed her once and she did, because she's from the Wirral. Yeah, but you don't really have an accent. No, but she could definitely do my kind of poncy Liverpool accent. See, I can't hear... I remember when you said, when we first came to work here at Times Radio and you mentioned something about being a scouser to John Pienaar.

21:58He was a star of shadow. He couldn't believe it. What? Does he know he supports Crystal Palace? We'd worked with him for about 20 years. I can't believe he didn't... When you go back... Not as if I don't bang on about it. Does the accent come back? It probably comes back when I'm, yes, it probably does come back. So last week you would probably have, you know, headed back into... When I was, yes, probably. I'd like to hear that, wouldn't you? No, no, no one needs to hear it. No. One of the things I really remember about my mum is the way, you know when people used to answer the phone with the number?

22:34Yes. Our phone number was 1788. And so she would answer the phone and she'd just say, 1788. and in that very kind of 1788 in this kind of, I can still hear her doing it. And it was just slightly clipped, but, you know, just made it clear that she was a little bit rarefied. Okay. Yeah. And she wouldn't say the geographical vicinity first because we used to go Winchester 54908. We'd identify that it was, I think we assumed that somewhere, maybe even in Basingstoke, there was another 54908. Good Lord. When we were just the Winchester variety. No, we never gave the location, just the number. Intriguing times.

23:16What did you do in your house? Is this another niche area of conversation? We've never explored. For the first time ever, I got a bill from the broadband provider telling me that I would have to pay extra for a landline because we've all gone fibre optic. Oh, I went fibre optic just before. And that's changed, hasn't it? Because you always used to get a landline for years. I haven't needed a landline. And I have been saying to BT, literally, for about the last 15 years, why am I paying for a landline? We don't have a phone on the landline. And a very patient engineer person has explained to me that that's the line that the Wi-Fi is coming in on.

23:56But this time round, I've been told that if I want to have a home phone, I'm going to have to pay extra for it. And of course, I'm delighted to be able to tell you that we've functioned perfectly adequately as a family for the last 15 years without a landline. So we don't need one now, thank you, very much. Right, so you've said no to it. I've said no to it with pride. I haven't noticed any fibre optic boost in our house, so I don't quite know what's supposed to have happened, but I'm not... I suppose I haven't been there for most of the time, but I did leave my youngest child in charge of the house and her task didn't seem insurmountable, but practically every house plant has died.

24:30There are three. That's disappointing. I know, and I'd really looked after these things and it didn't seem like the biggest ask. Is Dora still all right? Oh, she's fine. God, she's absolutely fine. She's been prancing around with a couple of baby foxes in the easy grass, living her best life, yeah. I came back on Saturday night and there wasn't a flicker. It's like she just hadn't noticed. That's so hurtful, isn't it? It's quite hurtful. Very good. Just before I forget, have you seen and have you discussed Android? We talked about it with Scott Bryan. Oh, right. But we've not talked about it on the podcast.

24:59Have you seen it? I've seen two episodes of it. I thought, so you referred to something funny at the end of episode two. Was it the Richard Osmond gag? I do. Or was it? I don't know. Did I? I've lost in the midst of time. No, I don't think, because I hadn't seen it before I went to Liverpool. I watched it in Liverpool. OK, well, there's a tiny joke. Yes, there's a little bit of a gag about Richard Osman's books. Yeah, which I did. It caught me by surprise. I've finished it now, and I can honestly say that I think it's the best comedy I've seen on any form of televisual platform for decades. Now, maybe it's just because it seemed like at a time in my life.

25:40Yeah, and because you refuse to watch quite a lot of the other things recommended. You refuse to watch, that's also true. But I do think Diane Morgan is an absolute genius. And I know she co-wrote it with a woman called Sarah Kendall, so kudos to them both. And Sue Johnston has just always been brilliant. She's so, so good in everything and always has been. No, I just, I bloody loved it. It's an absolute work of genius. Have you got to the bit where Linda, the robot, wonders what the taste of ice cream is like? No, I haven't. I've only done two episodes. Oh, God, it's really sad. But I also think it's done something really crazy that I didn't think it was going to do, which is to slightly nudge us towards a more positive outlook on what AI is bringing us.

26:30And I wasn't expecting it to do that. I thought it might be doing the complete opposite. I so want a robot, Karen. Yeah, it's a pro-robot. Yeah, it is, isn't it?

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28:17Eve, before we get to the morning register and some of your lovely emails, how are you? Here she is. I'm very well, thank you. I'm well rested. Oh, my God, because you did need a rest. Until the next holiday. Rosie says you've got five days left. Yeah. How much leave do you get, just out of interest? Well, we actually get a decent amount here because we work bank holidays. So we get them back. Yes. And it seems like... Which bank holidays have you worked? I'm really kidding. Oh, naughty. but you had a lovely time in an island beginning with K. Correct. Yes. And it was the right one? We got there safely.

29:01This one was quite straightforward because you can fly straight into it. Okay. No, it was really, really nice. Thank you. Excellent. Well, you look incredibly well and very well rested. How's your throat? Also well. Yeah, I sound really well. Yeah, you do. Holidays suit you. I think I'll be taking more. Oh, God. Yeah, practice makes perfect. Our early morning register has started. So, Jane, this just began, I think, when you were still here the week before last, when we were thinking that people wouldn't listen to podcasts like this first thing in the morning. Whatever this is. Because you and I, I think, it's pretty ingrained in us that we need to start the morning with a news update.

29:39Oh, yes. Find out what's going on in the world. Yes, and then I'd move on to entertainment, a little bit like dessert later in the day. Yes. Many people don't do it that way anymore. I'm disgusted. I'm heartened. Oh, are you? Yes, I'm very heartened. Why shouldn't you wake up and be bloody miserable like we are for the first couple of hours? I'll tell you what, it's going to make listening to Ken Bruce an awful lot more of a guilt-free experience for me. So we say a very good morning on the morning register to Claire Jones, who's listening to us in Cambridgeshire, Deleth, who has also done a huge shout out to the Quay Swim at Mitchit Lake, which sounds absolutely beautiful and gorgeous.

30:18And we're very, very happy to give that a little bit of a plug. Anne is a morning register type person. She usually tunes in at about 5.30am. Yes, 5.30am. And Helen Barker. Hello. Just to let you know, when you talked about nobody would be wanting to listen at, say, 7.45, I looked at my watch and you guessed it. 7.44. So not 7.45. Well, that's pedantic. Welcome back. Right. Right. I am quite stunned that people don't listen to the news when they first wake up. It's funny, isn't it? But you're right, it is just totally ingrained in me. I would just think, well, what if something had happened and I hadn't heard about it?

31:02So, yeah, and that's it, isn't it? Because even in times in my life where I've listened to music radio in the morning, and I did used to love Sean Keevan in the morning. Oh, my word, I still miss him. I still miss him. but you knew that you were going to get some banging BBC news headlines on the half hour and a bulletin at the top of the hour. So with this, I mean, there's light news sprinkled across it. We would tell you if the world was about to end. Right, now you were talking about The Odyssey last week. I haven't seen it, have you? Oh, yes. Oh, right, and? Well, it is a cinematic romp. Okay, I'm up for it, I have to say.

31:38Yeah, I think you'll really enjoy it. I think it's impossible not to, because you're loving your cinema again. Oh, yes, after Jungle Cruise, post-Covid. I've never looked back. So this is very much Jungle Cruise. Is Dwayne the Rock Johnson in it? No, but some pretty similar, there's quite a lot of naked torsos on display. Right. There are quite, as we commented last week, there are quite a lot of Odysseus' men who seem to come from New York. Oh, really? Yes. And they provide a very interesting backdrop of vision. and yeah I think you'll love it Okay Well we've got a couple of critics who've been in touch Julia says you said you wanted people to write in about Odyssey well we loved it All the way home we just kept saying that was epic I was also very glad I've listened to two The Rest is History episodes before I watched Now she also says love the pod and Hannah and Eve's extras Julia well lots of people have commented on how brilliant Hannah was last week not to say of course that Eve isn't equally brilliant Exactly Exactly, but thank you.

32:40I don't want to start a fight. No. Thank you for that, Julia. And would I, because I'm no expert, would I benefit from educating myself about the story? Well, I think you would, but then I can't take away the fact that I definitely knew something about it before going to see it. And I know that lots of people, I think about 70 % of people in the cinema that we watched it in had no idea what the Odyssey was. How do you know that? Well, they were very, very young. Oh, I see, yes. and they were, I think they were, yeah, they were there for the cast, actually. I think the cast has brought in loads of those people who would otherwise have seen Tom Holland and Zendaya and Spider-Man.

33:22Right, yeah, which is also just on. And they're married. I know. I didn't know this. And happy. What? Yes. And they kept their wedding private. Like, really private. Did they? Okay. Yes. Well, yeah. Is she British? I've got no idea where Zendaya is from. She's so lovely. Yes. I'd like to be her. Well, in many ways. Do you think I'm Times Radio's Zendaya? People have said that. Callum McDonald said I was Times Radio's Jason Tarullo. What's going on? I don't know what's wrong with Callum. Jason Tarullo. It was very hot. Jason Tarullo. Eve, come in and explain Jason. So I didn't hear this. A friend of mine texted me and said, Callum McDonald has just described his Times Rage as Jason Derulo.

34:08What's happened? Are you sure? I haven't heard this. I can't even imagine how he's made that connection. That's quite a leave. I can do some dance routines if you want. All I know about Jason Derulo is that he would say his own name in music. Jason Derulo. He's very smooth. He's very smooth. Honey, I'll take it. He's a smooth operator. I'll absolutely take it. back with you. Catherine in Northumberland my thoughts on the Odyssey, I loved it I didn't know the original story or poem nor do I, no, so I felt that I was taken on a wonderful adventure I thought it was powerfully and impressively done, I was so gripped that I didn't even pee for the three hours, the soundtrack is iconic I've also found it really hard to spell Odyssey, I'm never totally sure where the whys and the e's go no, me too, but they're a great band I mean, Native New Yorker is one of the best songs ever isn't it?

35:03I love that song. No, I don't particularly like New York. Catherine in Northumberland, thank you for that. I mean, to go three hours without a whittle is some achievement and an epic of its own, really. I mean, worthy of a poem, I would have thought. So I think you should treat yourself sometime this week and go and see it. I would say that because it is the three hours, you definitely need to go to a cinema with the very comfy seats. Yeah. I think that helps enormously. My boyfriend's going to see it on Thursday. he asked me to accompany him. Oh, how lovely. But I declined after it was£27 for a ticket.

35:38Yeah, it is expensive. Where's this? He's going in Greenwich. But is he going to some kind of a 3D iMac? I think it's a kind of bigger screen. Well, we were in Kefalonia. We rented a boat and we went to Ithaca. So in a lot of ways I've done an Odyssey of my own. Oh, my gosh, Eve. How dreamy. That's really nice. Yes. Did that cost£27? No, it was a much better bang for my buck, actually. Yeah. Exactly. £27. quid i mean surely he'd pay for you if you're courting he's going by himself now he's going by himself fair play do you know my son went to see the 4d odyssey which you can do which is one of those cinemas where i'm sorry i'm confused now is it bigger than imax yeah so this is where uh the the seat that you're in is responsive to what's happening on the movie in the movie so when there is a fight scene your seat shakes when there is billowing smoke that's coming into the cinema with you it's uh i mean i think these are astonishing tickets he he was a very very very lucky young man to go uh and he did say that actually by the end of three hours your your your senses are quite numbed it's a lot i mean it is it is a violent movie and the noise alone and if everything was jiggling around and shaking and spears were actually coming at you oh my god i wouldn't survive no i mean it's that you know um my pedicure place i'm liking this leap yeah they offer you the vibrating massage chair no and i always say no because it's the most uncomfortable what is that about i do you know what jane i'm so glad you've mentioned this yeah you see i thought you thought i was going somewhere that you wouldn't know this is it was right this is music to my ears.

37:21Okay, good. At my hairdressers, they've got the back massage seats when you go for your basin work. And my point would be, this is made for an average height person. Is that the problem? Yeah, when the back massage comes on, it's just, no, my kidneys aren't there. They just aren't. They're much lower down. No, my shoulder blades aren't there. I mean, the whole thing is so uncomfortable. It's appalling. And God alone knows who enjoys it. What height do you have to be to benefit from one of those weird chairs? Oh, yeah, but also I don't know. I don't know what facial expression I'm allowed to use.

38:00I'm in public. What am I meant to be displaying on my face while this is happening to my rear end? Someone is tackling the rough skin on the soles of my feet. It's all together. It's very peculiar. It is peculiar. I don't know what our grandmothers would have thought of all this. I really don't. Well, they just would have said no, wouldn't they? They just would have said no. Don't be ridiculous. Don't encourage them. That's what my granny would have said. Don't encourage them. Sarah's in East London. Following on from your chat about men's pants, I wanted to ask if anybody else got the it from the American use of panties.

38:36Yeah, absolutely. Horrible. Massively so. Massively so. I have two teenage girls. We're definitely a pants family. Occasionally knickers. but not necessarily related to the type of the undergarment, a selection of thongs, Brazilian shorts and pants. And Sarah is also an early morning listener, usually on her commute to work. I'm going to save genital adjacent owl names for later in the week because I feel it's just a bit too much, actually, on a Monday. We should say, back in the south, it's 35 Celsius again in London today, which is seriously peculiar. Anyway, let's bring in the other fee. from the other Dalston.

39:17Do you remember? Oh, yes. Yeah. She's got a royal... Let's just settle ourselves down with a royal anecdote. Oh, this one about Princess Margaret. Yes. Your recent discussions on being in service reminded me that when I was growing up in the 80s, my parents had some friends whose daughter worked as a maid for the royals. When we went to visit them one day, the parents, not the royals, we were proudly shown to their downstairs toilet. We all crammed in to be shown a bar of soap taking pride of place on the windowsill. For behold, the soap had belonged to none other than Princess Margaret. Apparently she only ever used a bar of soap once before it was disposed of and replaced with a fresh one.

39:58Our friend's daughter had pilfered the cast-out soap from one of the palaces and it now formed some kind of bizarre shrine in our friend's downstairs facility. There was much cooing and oohing and aahing along with murmurs of surprise from my mother that Princess Margaret didn't use imperial leather, which, as everyone of a certain age knows, was a soap only used by those who truly made it in life. I guess, however, in the case of Margaret, she didn't need a small rectangle of embossed cardboard in the centre of her soap to announce her status to the world. Brilliant. Other fee from Dalston. The other Dalston, thank you very much for that.

40:37And what a lovely little bit of settling royal trivia that was. that was true that imperial leather had that very special thing in the middle it did didn't it but it meant that it just looked like a tatty soap after the first time you used it that's the problem with soap isn't it i i've sort of gone back to hand soap but and i've got a soap dish and i'm very proud of it but it does always need tipping out get the residue in there and it goes a bit squelchy really really so no wonder people prefer the liquid stuff yeah i now have both Well, that's very canny. Very, very canny. I realise, because I'm doing a lot of hand washing with the pets, I hope you are too.

41:15And I did, I just... I did a lot of hand washing in hospital last week, yes. I looked at the soap bars and I just thought, actually, I'm not sure that they're clean, to be honest. I mean, if you've got dirty hands and you pick up the soap bar... Oh my God, yes. And you give it a bit, aren't you then putting it quite dirty? So I found myself, you know, trying to melt some of the soap off the soap bar under the hot tap before putting it back on the soap dish so that the germs had gone. And I thought, that's ridiculous. You can't get a pump dispenser. I know that your ex-husband finds them very difficult to operate, but most of us have got past that.

41:50It was a fantastic column. He hasn't written a column about that, has he? Well, he did. And it was just quite funny because it was one of those days, and this can happen to all of us, Jane. I mean, let's face it, the trivia of life keeps us going on this podcast. But it was just the placing as it emerged on my phone. There was a very serious piece of news that was being discussed by a very serious columnist above it. And then there was a picture of Adrian Childs saying, I can no longer cope with my hand pump dispenser. I just thought... I know that feeling. It's the little things that tip us over the edge.

42:29Oh, Mike in Norwich are sent in this. apropos of nothing in particular, this is just superb. I was interested in what this hotel in Bologna chose as its top selling points. So there's a picture of a very lovely neoclassical hotel, all stucco-fronted. It's three-star, it's the Donatello, and it describes itself as hotel, innovative, collapsible bidet. And they've chosen to highlight that. That's the headline. That's all you see when you're on, I think it's a well-known advisor is a site, isn't it? It's 0.5 miles from the centre and it gets a rating of 7, which is fair. But it is billed as innovative collapsible bidet.

43:08And it's got, I think the hotel has three stars. Three stars. Three stars. I don't think you ever want your bidet to collapse. Do you? I don't... What advantage is it, having a collapsible bidet? I can't... No, I don't know. No. It's a good spot, Mike. It's a very, very good spot. Yes, thank you, Mike. Very much indeed. I just want to briefly venture to Ireland and Rasheen who sent us this. Umbrella hats. Were you discussing umbrella hats last week? We were. And just define an umbrella hat. So an umbrella hat is the tiny umbrella, probably about 12 inches in diameter, that you can push up and you wear it on the top of a headband.

43:47Yeah. And you'll be wearing that instead of having to use an umbrella or wear a hat. Okay. Well, Rasheen says, I've never tried one on. I don't have a particular view on them. but I can say for certain that they're loved by Irish farmers or at least by my 70-something-year-old cousin once removed. He got the hat from one of his children who'd brought it back from the States and didn't hesitate to put it to good use on the Irish fields. It was a revelation to him that he could have full use of two hands for all his various farming errands without needing a restrictive clammy raincoat or cap blocking his vision.

44:20Neighbours would regularly comment with a smile that they saw him in his tractor or on his bike in the colourful hat. It was quite the conversation starter. In case you didn't know, wearing anything outside the norm in small-town Ireland risks a nickname that will be with you for life, e.g. the now-famous tweet, props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in Ireland, I wore a red berry once in Waterford and someone called me Super Mario. That's the problem. Oh, dear. Roisin, thank you for that. A few months then had passed and we hadn't seen the hat. There were concerns he'd lost it, it had blown away or he'd fallen out of love with it.

45:00Turns out he had to stop wearing it out and about as it was creating near misses and delays down the main road with rubberneckers catching a glimpse of the hat as he passed by. Right, I mean, sometimes life moves slowly in rural areas. And I'm not saying Ireland's quieter than anywhere else, but yeah, that sounds like quite the talking point. in County Waterford. We were trying to work out why the younger generation hadn't come up with something very Instagrammable to protect your blow dry because the blow dry is such a massive thing. Hair is such a massive thing in the young generation. You know, there are young women who are spending hours perfecting beautiful, beautiful hair in a country that, not this summer, but usually, where it rains a lot.

45:47And our grandmothers, and in fact our mothers, would have had no shame. Yeah, but they would have a plastic cap, wouldn't they? You know, plastic. A raincoat, a rain hood. A rain hood that you did up under your chin and they would wear all of those with pride. But that's not really a thing in the youthful generation. I don't know how they're all coping. And as far as I can make out, do your children use umbrellas? Well, they do, but I don't. Interesting. Yeah, because I've never liked them. Okay. So I would be quite keen to get an umbrella hat, actually. Yeah, I can see you in it. if I can be honest and one of our lovely listeners came up with some fantastic merchandising so it was a plastic bonnet that had our mug shots on the side of it oh definitely go for that yeah we're also going to try and get onto the shelves of well-known supermarkets Hannah's shit yourself salad what are the ingredients?

46:40it went down very well I bet there's a lot of ingredients going on in the shit yourself shit shit yes Yes, we briefly in the office alighted upon Gillian Anderson's new drink. Her G-spot drink. What is that all? Could you explain it? I thought maybe you'd tried it. I mean, I think I'm all for G-plan. I'm a big fan of the furniture. I think it's rather retro and trendy now, isn't it? But what's she on about? It's presumably some fruit-based beverage, is it? But she's got it into Marks and Sparks. I mean, now we're just doing... Actually, let's not look it up. Let's not look it up. Well, we're just doing our job for her, aren't we?

47:19Well, I mean, I don't think we are. I think on the basis of this conversation... You think she's doing all right anyway. And the tone of it, I think probably we're not really advertising it. Here we go. I'm reading this from The Times. Well done. I went straight to the app, Gillian. I tell you what, you know your onions. So here we go. Marks and Spencer, once a reading of it. Gillian Anderson, the Hollywood star. will see her soft drinks brand G-Spot on the shelves of 350 M &S stores from this week. Surely not in Chiswick. Anderson, 57,

48:00secured the deal after meeting the retailer's chief executive, Stuart Machen. No age on Stuart. How old are you, Stuart? Note that. Let's look it up, actually, so we know how old he is. During a photo shoot for her promotional role as M &S's chief compliments officer. What? What? Her promotion as M &S's chief compliments officer. I tell you what, I'd struggle as a chief compliments officer. I've been no good at that whatsoever. Earlier this year, what's going on? And I made my pitch, she said during an interview with the Sunday Times, over a can of G-Spot in a dish-oom restaurant. You've already gone fairy, Alan Partridge, now.

48:36Machen said, I was very intrigued by her range, so I tried all the products and I think it would be popular. All my female friends told me they would buy the range Have we stocked it in M &S? Let's see what's actually in it.

48:50Juniper. Anderson said some retailers were nervous about the brand, while Amazon's AI tools had shadow-blocked it from being seen by some shoppers, assuming it was a sexualised item. Well, I mean, it kind of is if you call it a G-spot. You know, you're meant to drink it. Stuart's 55. 55. So just to recap on that, Stuart Machen, comma, 55 comma, and now we continue with the article. She did rename one of her drinks as sparkling passion fruit and habanero concoction. Is that the right pronunciation? I don't know, but it sounds very fruity and quite erotic. That was previously known as Arouse. Look, I mean, just have an Ovaltine.

49:34This drink now rebranded Awaken is designed to enhance circulation and potentially libido. Wow. Right, well, Gillian, thank you. Asked finally, now this is a very good sign-off here, asked finally whether the truth really is out there, she sighed, wow, clutching a can of G-spot. Anderson added, the truth is in here. Oh, God, Gillian. Have a word with yourself, girl. Right, so I do stop off in M &S sometimes on the way into work and I'm going to buy us all a can of G-Spot tomorrow. We're going to see what happens. Well, we don't know whether your local branch is stocking it. Well, I think it's in Dalston.

50:20I think it's very likely. Oh, do you think? Right, OK, let's see. Yes, I've thrown down the gauntlet there to the chief buyer of Dalston's M &S, but I'd be very disappointed if it's not in there. Well, has that brought us to some kind of conclusion today? I can't really, I don't really know. No, neither do I. No. I'm just thinking, we're missing something here, aren't we, Jane, in our merchandising opportunities. I think you and I should also launch a soft drink. God. What would we call it? Sights. Some of the sights sounds, and let's be honest, pongs that I've experienced over the last couple of weeks.

50:59I'm not sure I'm in the best position to come up with an erotic drink. I'll definitely put my heart to it. OK, we'll think on it. We will think on it. I mean, cheese falling is funny. Sorry. We can't be the only people laughing at this. No. Surely other people think this is funny too. Or is everyone just at face value saying, oh, yes, in the evening when I get back from work, I'm not just going to eat processed cheese. I'll have a couple of... I'll have a quick cheese spot. I'll have a cheese spot. I mean, imagine if it was on sale in the canteen here. And instead of saying, you know, does anyone want a DC, if I just shouted round the newsroom, anyone for a G spot?

51:40They're all on me. Ooh. Right. Jane and Fee at times.radio. Thanks for bearing with. We'll be back tomorrow. Goodbye. Bye.

52:07Congratulations. You've staggered somehow to the end of another Off Air with Jane and Fee. Thank you. If you'd like to hear us do this live, and we do do it live every day, Monday to Thursday, 2 till 4 on Times Radio. The jeopardy is off the scale. And if you listen to this, you'll understand exactly why that's the case. So you can get the radio online on DAB or on the free Times Radio app. Off Air is produced by Eve Salisbury and the executive producer is Rosie Cutler.

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