It's Monday, darling. You might as well start pompous.

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1:51We're on. I'll get this one out. Well, welcome. Here we are. Welcome. Hello. Nice to see you. Nice to see you. The thing that has changed so hugely is that you don't have to be spooky on Halloween, do you? So the best costume that I saw were two young girls. I mean, I think they were young girls. They might have been middle-aged men. But they had shark suits on, you know, when you can inflate the whole suit. So one was a pink shark and the other was a blue shark. And, you know, they were kind of six foot high, these costumes. and obviously because it tapered down towards the shark's tail at the end, they couldn't really walk, so they had to do this kind of wobble, wobble, wobble.

2:30But they just looked fantastic, Jane. Well, that's just a source of... That's just gently comic, isn't it? Yes, but you don't have to be ghoulish and ghosty and Heidi Klum's severed hand. The sweetest costume I saw was a little girl on one of the socials dressed as a Tunnock's tea cake. That's lovely. That was very sweet. And a friend of mine said, you know, this couple of gay blokes who their costume, well, they went out dressed as straight men. Cool. In sort of kind of chinos you'd never notice. Right. So they went to M &S. Well, I'm not saying that. I'm just saying they wore those sorts of trousers.

3:03And they got some chinos. Some chinos. Some deck shoes. A polo shirt. A shirt you wouldn't have a comment about in a million years. And that was it. That is good. I like that very much. I think that's a good idea. Very much. So if you could just choose from the whole panoply of dressing up, what would you choose to go as? Making a note of this for next year. For next year, because, yeah. Well, I'm not very pumpkin positive. I never really celebrated Halloween. And I think if I was really pushed, I could make myself into a fairly acceptable gnarled old witch. Okay. Yeah, I keep it traditional. Right.

3:41Because I'm actually a bit puzzled by this embracing of... Everything. Yeah, I don't get it. I don't see what the link is to All Hallows' Eve and visiting the graves of the dead and all that. I just don't get it. I'm sounding rather pompous, but there we go. I take a firm line. It's Monday, darling. It's Monday. You might as well start pompous. It's a week for pomposity. Let's start where we mean to go on, how we mean to go on. Why don't we... We could go as a double act somewhere. We need to be invited somewhere, don't we? Where I could go as Liz Truss and you could go as the lettuce and we'd see who would last longer at the party.

4:13That's very... She's back amongst us, isn't she, Liz Trusker? She's written a book. And I think she's got another book coming out very soon as well. So I tell you what, the truster, she's not... I mean, there's a part of me that actually admires her. She will not fade away. OK. I mean, you'd think she would want to skulk off into the shadows and she is refusing to do that. And yes, it's a small part of me, but that part of me does just think, well, you know what? Okay, love. That's how you want to play it. They do say that until the offers stop coming, you might as well accept the offers. And I feel that she's accepting the offers.

4:53Somebody somewhere is paying that woman to write a book. Yeah. But they're not selling in huge quantities, are they? We're on thin ice there, darling. Still available, by the way. Christmas is coming up. I think we have sold more. Let's look that up. Really? I'm going to look that up. Okay, so hang on a sec. I've got, I'm just going to write down gnarled old witch. Me. And, yeah, book sales. Yeah, okay. This is a great list. Now, you are back amongst us looking fresh-faced and joyous. And there's a limit to what you can tell us about what you were up to last week. But we can hear a little bit about it, can't we?

5:28So I was told. Yes. By you, I think. That you were going to a sort of a wellness spa. Yes, that's correct. And you were going to write a piece for the Times Travel. Yes. And when can we look forward to reading this? Well, I will get back to you on the exact date, but it is for their spa supplement special. They've got a spa supplement special. Yes. And I have attended a really, really top of the range, state-of-the-art spa near a lake in Germany. And I can't tell you too much about it. Don't want to spoil the surprise. But just mind-boggling, Jane. really, really mind-boggling stuff. Okay. Now, I know you can't tell us much about it, but there is one celebrity you can tell us about because she's already made it public.

6:17She's posted that she was there because I think one of the things that the spa prides itself on is that, you know, you can go there as an A-lister and nobody will go, oh my goodness, look over there, it's Tom Cruise. It wasn't Tom Cruise. That exact voice. I don't know whether Tom Cruise has attended or not. but Victoria Beckham posted that she had been there quite recently. So it's that kind of level, Jane. So obviously I felt totally at ease. Yes, do you? I mean, you must have, as you breezed in. With my little cans of, excuse me. Were you wearing a tracksuit? What were you wearing? No, I did, too.

6:51I thought very carefully about the clothing to take with me. And I took, because I love travelling really, really light when I go on holiday. Just love that feeling of I don't put anything in the hold. if it can't fit in hand luggage it's not coming with me and I enjoy that sense of freedom I took a massive suitcase with me just to avoid embarrassment so I was there in my well I mean you've got you do have to have quite a lot of different styles because you've got your athleisure wear yeah for the day surely that's all you need no because then you've got to put something decent on, different on for your dinner.

7:29Why? Because that's just how they rock and roll. But I didn't think a proper meal was provided anyway. Well, yes, a lovely silky soup comes your way at dinner. What about Yorkshire pudding? No, Yorkshire puddings at all. Okay. No. If you are locked in a warm and passionate embrace with carbohydrates, then it might not be the destination for you. but they've got lots and lots of different kind of levels of eating that you can do while you're there but you know what jayla i don't want to knock it at all because the apart from anything else the landscape that i was in and we've talked haven't we before on the podcast about the fact that we as brits don't travel to germany as much as we used to back before a major event and we just should.

8:19It was just really properly, majestically beautiful. And the time of year as well. Oh, everywhere looks pretty gorgeous right now. Yeah. So that was amazing. So, and then, you know, everything ran as clockwork and plane left on time, all that kind of stuff. And then we got back to Heathrow. Oh no, don't tell me something went wrong. So they didn't have any stairs for us to get down from the planes. Oh, you know your home then, don't you? It's great. So we just sat on the tarmac. I think at one point someone did shout, just use the emergency chute. Or just skitter down. So, you know, we waited for that to happen and then there was a delay and then the Heathrow Express was a bit dickity-dodgity and then my son was trying to make it back from Manchester.

9:04I mean, this is a familiar story to you. But he'd be on Avanti West. He was on Avanti West. He was trying to get back from Manchester. All trains were cancelled. I mean, all trains were cancelled. old, everybody was sent to Birmingham where there was a three carriage train that would take three and a half hours to chug into a different station in London. And as he said, because, you know, he's done quite a bit of travelling now in his life. You know, lucky him. He said, isn't it ironic, Mum, that I've travelled, you know, all across Southeast Asia, but I had to phone you from Birmingham to try and help me out.

9:38I've got a feeling. Did he come into London's Mariloban station on that service? He eventually, well, he ended up having to stay in Birmingham for the night because there was just no way for the hundreds of people who had been sent from Manchester to Birmingham. They literally couldn't get on the train that was leaving, Jane. These are familiar tales and we do need to do something about it. Well, let's. Quite what? I don't know. Let's hope that the Burnham bounce isn't, you know, it doesn't diminish in terms of its quite bounciness at the moment. I must just be blunt. Yes. Did you have colonic irrigation?

10:17No. Okay. I just wanted to check. No. And also there was a DIY enema kit in my room and I looked at it. I read the instructions. I think I sent them to you, didn't I? Well, I was going to say, for those of us slightly dyspraxic, it would be, I dread to think what I get up to with one of those. The last time I tried to put an IKEA flat pack together, it was meant to be a bedside table. I mean, it was neither a table nor beside a bed by the time I finished with it. So the instructions that included insert large end of hose pipe. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. Is that the sort of thing you should be doing by yourself?

10:58Surely that is the province of a trained practitioner. I certainly don't want to do it with my fellow spa travelling guests no, Michelle has been to the spa sorry, can I just pause because you had a I mean, you know, we couldn't have had two different weeks so can we just talk very briefly oh, Raymondo's funeral well, do you know what, it was your right we have had contrasting we have no, life is full of contrast it was a thorough, I think it was a good send off and ironically, of course, he'd have loved it Of course, that's the tragedy. All of us, none of us are going to be at our own funerals.

11:33I think he would have enjoyed some of the things that went wrong, particularly the logistical cock ups made by his children. He would particularly have appreciated. Unfortunately, my dad, who was an absolute stickler for punctuality, was eight minutes late for his own funeral due to temporary traffic lights in an unexpected location. Well, I think that's just rather lovely. I could hear him chuntering in the coffin because I was sitting with him in the hearse with my daughter and it was actually quite funny. But I could sense that the chat from the funeral directors was getting very tense because, you know, let's just be honest, the crematoriums, I mean, it's the same probably all over the country.

12:10They run on a very strict timetable, aren't they? Well, they are. They have to be. Yes. And you can't linger. And yes, I mean, being eight minutes late. Well, we were very close to getting fined, I think, but it won't happen. But it did mean that the celebrant was my great friend Jill, who I used to work with at the BBC. And she's brilliant. She's absolutely great at this. We'd obviously back-timed the service. You know, we'd worked at this to make sure it was exactly... Did you have to do it at 1.5? Yeah, exactly. I had to speed up the eulogy. And another thing he did that was really annoying.

12:41So, no, we got there, but we did have to fade out. You'll never walk alone. We couldn't have the whole of it. But it was faded out very tastefully. Not like one of my local radio fades when I just shot the fader halfway through a life in the day by the Beatles or something inappropriate. Anyway, so it went really well. And it's one of those, not unlike a wedding. I looked across the buffet and just saw this crazed cross section of people from all parts of my life and all parts of my dad's life and my sister's life. And that was odd, but also lovely. So I think it went very well. This time I did get a couple of sandwiches.

13:21So I was very grateful to a friend who'd wrangled the sandwiches for me. So I was able to work the room, but with a plate of butties. Okay, well, that's good. So that was much better. And did you have, what was the product on the buffet that went the fastest? Oh, I think it was the cheese and pickle. Right. Oh, and ham. Okay. Oh, and the tuna. I mean, there wasn't much left. Quite a lot drunk as well, which dad would have approved of. But it was a good turnout. It was a lovely day as well, which helped because it always does somehow. And my friend who's a florist had done a beautiful spray for the coffin of hydrangeas and red roses and autumnal leaves.

13:59And it looked right, if I say so myself, not very good at describing flowers, but it was striking. It's quite different and it looked lovely. Dad wouldn't have had any comment about the flowers. but I think you'd have appreciated the effort that went into making it all work. Well, aren't funerals a funny thing as well? Because as you've already said and correct pointed out, you're not at your own funeral, you're in bloody trouble if you are. Yeah. And not loudly. Yeah, really. But also I think it's such a gear change, isn't it? It just has to be about what pleases the living. And I think for some people that's incredibly difficult, isn't it?

14:34Because actually, and we have had a couple of emails that we will definitely get to during the week if we don't get to them today, about how hard death is actually if the life that you're celebrating has not been nice. No. And there's unkindness and all of that type of stuff. And so we should definitely talk about that. But also you have to be standing there looking at the flowers going, that's exactly what I wanted. Yeah. Because for Raimondo, that's the point, isn't it? They were his flowers, but he wasn't there to enjoy them. But we were. Yeah. No, it's important that it's good for you. People were able to take some.

15:11I've got some of the flowers. And, you know, they were absolutely lovely. And, you know, I did thoroughly enjoy it. I should shout out to my school friend who was at Wetherspoons at Lime Street Station. We had a Prosecco in there when I was coming back to London. And then I'm not ashamed to say we bought a bottle of champagne in M &S and drank that on that train. Classy. Very classy. Appropriately very classy indeed. Yes. And the trains actually worked for you. Well, on that night, I was delivered. I was back home in East West Kensington in order to watch the bewildering last 25 minutes of Traitors.

15:46OK. So bewildering partly because I didn't really get the build up because I'd missed the episode. Yeah, absolutely. You'd be pissed. And I was drunk. Yes. So Saturday was a write off. But even that was a write off in a good way because I was reflective. Yeah. And you do need to reflect. So, yes, it was all good. Thank you. And, you know, long life well lived. The photo tribute also went well. I think they're a great thing. I think there's a system, there are different ones. This is called Obitus, the one that we used. I know sometimes people say it can go a bit, sometimes due to the people using the system, it can sometimes go belly up.

16:22But ours worked really well. Now explain this because some people might not understand what it is. It was all new to me. I mean, we did it for my mum's funeral too, where you just scan and then upload a series of photographs from the dead person's life. And then you play them out and you have a musical backdrop soundtrack to it. There are other systems, but the one that we used was called Obitus. So you just need someone to take it upon themselves to scan and upload the images. And then this is shown... This is shown during the course of the service. Yes, it's part of the service. Lovely. So that could go very badly wrong.

16:56I'm just thinking if you had a lot of marriages... Yeah, or the wrong persons. And you got them in the wrong order. Yes. Well, actually, at my dad's, I did notice that he made an appearance holding me as a baby and then a couple of photographs on, we saw his engagement photograph. Well, let me just reassure everybody. Well, I was... My mum and dad were married when I was born. That's what you think. Yeah, well, that's what you think. But maybe the photographs were telling their own story. Maybe they were. Maybe they were. But it was all good. And, yeah, I think, stupidly, but he would have loved it.

17:28Yeah. And he would have... Well, that's terrific, Jane. Yeah, he'd have loved the fact that he was late because it just would have shown the incompetence of his children in his eyes, which is fabulous as well. I think we're allowed to say that funerals, when they go well, they should be a source of joy. I mean, you are celebrating a life and accepting a death. And in the case of your dad, you know, 93. 93. Yeah, it's wonderful. It really is. So thanks to everybody who made the day as much fun as it was. And actually people who just made an effort to come. My sister had lots of her schoolmates there.

18:05Some of my school friends came. And, you know, people are coming from distance. It's making an effort. And it's so much appreciated. Did Liverpool FC send a little something? Well, it was quite, no, they should have done. But we did notice that there was, it is a service supplied by, I think, most funeral directors actually, but you can get a special football club hearse and the Liverpool FC hearse was at the Chapel of Rest after my dad's service waiting for somebody else or delivering somebody else. So it's got team colours on it? It's red and there's Bill Shankly on the side of it. Whoa. Yeah.

18:48There's an Everton one as well, I gather. Yes. I think they're very expensive fee. Yeah. Would you consider such a thing? No, I wouldn't. No, I absolutely wouldn't. In our neck of the woods, the quite often old-fashioned Eastern funerals. Oh, yeah. With the black horses. Absolutely, love it. You know, they're clopping down the Queensbridge Road. They're just remarkable. I mean, seriously, that must cost, I don't know, I mean, people would be able to tell us well over 10, 15 grand for a funeral in that style. I'm going to add it to your list of things. I'm going to add it to my list.

19:30Hey, we're Nick and Jack, hosts of The Best One Yet. Behind every episode, there's research, email, spreadsheets, and our shared Google Doc, the headline hammer. With Google Workspace with Gemini, Google's AI is built right into the premium versions of tools we already use, like Gmail, Docs, and Sheets. No new tools or extra logins, just personalized AI for the way we work. That means less time on the work around the work and more time finding the stories worth talking about. Get AI tools for work. Upgrade to Google Workspace with Gemini at go.gle slash workspace with Gemini. That's go.gle slash workspace with Gemini.

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21:14Let's just go back to spas because Michelle. Yeah. Michelle says Fee's current break at the health spa reminded me of an epic fail I had at a spa about eight years ago in the south of Spain I was offered a press trip for myself and a plus ones took one of my best mates we were absolutely giddy with excitement as we'd be child free and we're staying in a beautiful health spa resort it would have cost a great deal of money however it was very very strict we were weighed and had blood tests on arrival there were very strictly scheduled meals and snacks but a snack was a single kiwi on a plate alongside two litres of water.

21:52Does that ring any bells for you? One of the tenets of this concept was that you didn't drink lots of water with your meal because it just means everything sloshes around inside you. Oh, God, I mean, I thought we couldn't be more hydrated, but you're telling me it's actually a bad thing. No, you could be hydrated, but you couldn't eat and drink at the same time. The meals involved a lot of rock-hard crackers and foam. There was no alcohol, no sugar or any forms of joy. On the second day, we ate tubes of Pringles in our room. Then we got a taxi to the nearest town and had loads of wine to drink.

22:28And then we went for a burger and chips. We were delighted with ourselves and a bit hysterical. On the final morning, the doctor audibly gasped when she weighed me. She just couldn't understand how my friend and I had both gained weight. We semi-confessed, but not about the burgers. Eight years later, and I would love to go back and do it properly. What a waste, she says, but we did have a lovely girls weekend away. Well, Michelle, that's what really matters. You had the break. Totally. And I do think, also, I think that our correspondent makes a very good point. You've got to be going to these things at the right time.

23:00And I did go to a spa before, just after I got divorced, And my head was not in the right place to be trying to, you know, reduce what I was eating and think too much about my body and self. I just wasn't in the mood. I was recalcitrant, a little bit pissed off with the world, to use the kind of language that Donald Trump uses all the time. Because you need to go veer down a cul-de-sac now and talk about a bloke's bum. Yes, something like that, the size of it. And I found myself in a spa, in fact, in Austria, and the lack of food was just driving me mad. So I went down to the cafe, exactly as our correspondent did every morning, and had two black coffees and two large doughnuts, one of which I took back to my room for later.

23:49And I felt very pleased with myself for doing that. I have to say, this time, by contrast, you do seem to have come back. You look well and you feel rested. I had a fantastic time, Jane. Well, no, that's good. But also it wasn't, I wasn't doing a fasting thing. I think, you know, you and I have many differences. The one common theme we have is don't deny us our food. You know, yeah, I mean, I couldn't do that. Some people absolutely swear by intermittent fasting. It's not for me. It just makes me so, so upset. I intermittently fast overnight. Overnight, every night. Yeah. And I swear by it. Yeah, exactly.

24:27Exactly. Dear Jane and Eve, please, can you help? Well, I don't know, Annie, because it is the books by Peter Granger that you are after. Annie is in Bath or Bath and is stuck indoors with a nasty virus or a nasty virus. Sorry to hear that. Yeah. There's lots of lots of difficulties with this email due to the long A, short A conundrum. Yes. Well, I tell you what. So if you were going to say that Annie was in Bath, would you also say that she was stuck indoors with a nasty virus? or would you say nasty virus? I might have said bath and then nasty. Yeah. Or bath and then, oh God, I don't know. It's very tricky.

25:04Annie, we hope you're better. It is, you want the recommendation of audio books by Peter Granger. They will treat your ears. So get stuck in. I defy you not to feel better. Do you know who reads them? No, I don't. Add that to your list. Oh my God, look, this is so busy. I read two Peter Grangers last week while I was away. Oh God, did you see? One straight after the other. almost finished at the whole now i've still got 10 ahead of me and i really am going to stop now and definitely until next year i need robert partridge the real name of peter granger to be writing one a year before i can speed up again because i don't want to get to the end of his current back catalogue and for him to say that's it i'm not writing anymore right yeah it's like keeping a biscuit in the glove box yeah he is to you what ellie griffiths is to me yeah Yeah.

25:56How many books does she churn out over the course of... Mercifully, she churns out. And I don't mean churn out. No, no, no. Sorry, neither do I. She usually at least one a year. Okay. So you're... But she's got various series, all of which I like. Anyway, she's a gift. It's come to a feeling... It's almost like you're prepping with books, isn't it? We've got some emails about prepping. You've got to keep something on the bookshelf. Can we just go to Greenland briefly? Let's. Have you finished that email? Yes. Yeah. Jessie says, I'm a sailor. recently working up in Greenland and Iceland on an expedition yacht.

26:29It was an amazing and challenging experience, I can imagine. Whenever I was in port, I would download the latest off-air, ready to listen to in my bunk. We spent a lot of time in the watch system, that sleeping in four to six hour stints because the boat was sailing 24-7. I would find that properly discombobulating. And coming off a cold shift, I'd look forward to getting warm in my sleeping bag and listening to you both. It was a great way to unwind after stressful shifts navigating ice and uncharted waters. I spent seven weeks away from the UK, often unable to speak to family or friends. So hearing familiar voices chatting about normal stuff kept me in touch with reality when my life was a sleep deprived whirlwind of fog and boat life.

27:15Jessie, you are a formidable woman. Thank you for telling us about that. What an intriguing landscape. I need to know more. Yeah, to be part of. Yeah. And I admire anybody who can do that constant, constant, you know, six hours on, four hours off, six hours off. You'd have to be pretty properly fit for that, wouldn't you? I think it would be unwise for us to try it straight away before any training. And I do hope that you've got a lovely hot water bottle inside your sleeping bag. Wow, yes. Are you back in the hockey territory yet of the year? Do you say hottie? Hockey. We call them hockeys. What do you mean?

27:50We just call them hockeys in our house. What do you call hockeys? Hot water bottles. Yeah. Why do you call them that? I presume we couldn't say hottie when we were kids. We've just always called them hockeys. That's lovely. What an amazing family tradition. There'll be other people out there with quaint ways of referring to things. Yeah. And I'm just trying to think if we've got any. No, we haven't. Really? Oh, my goodness. We get to autumn and everybody in the family has got a hockey. Oh, no, I love a hot water bottle. Yeah. I might call it a hottie. I'm not quite at the stage of having a hot water bottle at night, but I've got to say it was blissfully a lot chillier over the weekend.

28:31It was gorgeous. Then again, I'm not worried about paying my heating bills, and I totally understand that if you are, it must be shit. Do you think I've covered everything there? I think you have. I just don't want to cause offence. No, well done, sister. Especially now my dad's gone. I'm the only person. I mean, I'm the person in the family who can cause offence. Yes. He did it successfully for 93 years. Oh, my goodness. Well, I tell you what, world, prepare yourselves. If you were only on gear three. I know, I'm properly going for it now. I tell you what. Speed on HR. Carry on, sister. I think I've finished, but I was just going to mention Liz because Liz has slightly worried me.

29:11She says that she and I appear to have been living parallel lives. She says my mum died in January, soon after Jane lost her mum and her humour helped me a bit through that period. Well, I'm glad to hear that. I then had to put my father into a care home in July, only for him to then pass away in August. Therefore, I was very sorry to hear that Jane has now lost her father as well, having also had to put him in a care home, just as I was grappling with similar challenges. But the reason for my email is to caution her, as two weeks after my father's funeral, I went on a yoga retreat, slipped on rocks in the mountains behind Malaga and fractured my elbow.

29:47having just heard your Monday edition where Jane announces that she cannot afford to suffer anything being broken, i.e. an ankle. Please be careful as I do feel we're living parallel lives at the moment and I don't want you to suffer a fracture like I have. Three weeks on from an operation, I'm getting much more mobility back but it was a reset moment. Liz, I'm sorry to hear about that. You've been through a great deal and now you've had this as well. I'm sure it won't happen to me. If it did, then that would be beyond spook, wouldn't it? It really would be. In a world way beyond spook. Any thoughts of Bromley over the weekend?

30:22Well, no, but actually we do have an email, don't we, from a tarot card reader who had done something, from Bromley, who had done something very, very spooky with the tarot cards. I'm going to save it for tomorrow just because I don't know where it is in the part of emails and I'm conscious that now we're on the television, I might not be able to just endlessly shuffle through like we do in the studio. I'm scratching my head at the moment as well. Do you have nits? I don't think so. Wouldn't it be funny if you'd picked If I came out of bed bugs and knits. That'd be great. Look out, Victoria Beckham.

30:54No, that would not happen. I bet they'll change the sheets there very regularly, won't they? Put them on a boil wash. Yes, I would imagine that they, yeah, I think they probably do all kinds of de-smogging and stuff like that. True gasps comes in from Set. I nearly titled this message Unexpected gasps, but are gasps in true nature always unexpected? It's a good point, isn't it? When you gasp, it is because something... Of course, there is no... You can't plan to gasp. No, no. So it's a very good point. I caught myself in a true gasp just now at hearing your delight at discovering Georgia Ruth, 21st of October podcast, catching up on a soggy Wednesday.

31:35I'm so pleased it made the playlist cut and you're enjoying the music. Do you know what? I'm enjoying the music so much, Set, Ket, I apologise if I've pronounced your name wrong, that we're going to see her in November at the Royal Albert Hall. Wow. Sorry, I'm being ignorant here. She's big enough for the Royal Albert Hall. Yes, I believe so. Well, no, she's in the Elgar room. Okay, right. At the Royal Albert Hall. Right. And I just wanted to say, actually, that that is such a lovely thing about the podcast playlist when people recommend new things. And actually, it is also the lovely thing about the algorithms because you and I complain a lot, don't we?

32:14and rightly so, about the fact that everything that we say and you type one word into an email and then you're drowned in products, you know, because your email server is sending back all of the details and stuff to people who want to flog you things. But it is the upside is that as soon as you share a bit of interest in something cultural, you know where to go to actually see them live, buy the book, get the tickets and all of that. And it just popped up on my phone. that she was playing in a couple of weeks' time. So we're off to see her. I'll keep you posted. Thank you for the recommendation.

32:56Prepping. I mean, well, I was mocked a little bit about discussing prepping. I'm going to say a while ago. Yes. Sarah says, yesterday an article popped into my inbox. I've attached it. It was by Carol Cadwallader, a journalist who I respect, and it put the fear of God into me, so I sent it to my husband to read. It turns out he had already ordered a wind-up radio without telling me. I logged on to Tesco online to buy my prepping supplies and so many of the essentials were already out of stock in Tesco, including large candles, five litre bottles of water. On the news today, they are talking about the run on wind-up radios.

33:34My question to the hive is this. How seriously are you taking this government announcement to be prepared? I know Fee has teased Jane for being a prepper, but I think she might have been right and the rest of us have got some catching up to do. My delivery is coming this evening and we've also been out to refill our camping gas bottles so we can still cook hot food on the camp cooker, as well as extra wood chips for our uni pizza oven. I hope I'm pronouncing that right. My son thinks it's hilarious that in the eventuality of a national crisis, we'll be making home baked pizza in the garden. How middle class are we?

34:10Laughs Sarah. Well, quite by the sound of things, Sarah. But I mean, don't let that. That's not a problem. I mean, you'll be incredibly popular if you like your pizza oven. Do send us your address. Yeah, in times of distress. I'll pop round. Because I'm not actually as prepped as I might have. Oh, my God. No, I'm not. After all that. After all my wittering, I've basically got quite a lot of those Jacob's snacks that I really like that you can't really get apart from in the north of England on the whole and only at certain branches of Asda. I've got lots of those and I've got about eight bottles of water.

34:46And I've got some wet wipes. So you never were prepped? I've got some tins and I've got 100 quid in cash. Okay. It's not going to carry me through. I haven't got a camping stove, have you? Yes. Yes, I'm sorry we have. I'm sorry you have. It's infuriating. It's a tiny one, absolutely tiny one. But because we had for one summer, we had a gas barbecue outside and we couldn't work out what was wrong with it. So we kept on buying different gas canisters. So we've actually got quite a lot of Cala gas. We look like a small petrol station. So I think actually for three days, and that's what we're being asked to prep for.

35:25I do intend to cook for the whole street. Excellent. And I did do I did the canned prep shopping last weekend. You see? You see? We went to waitress. You went to waitress. Right, Sarah. So I've now got an awful lot of... So it turns out you're actually more prepped than me. Yes, so come on over. Because, yeah, because the barbecue will be lit. We've got a camping stove upstairs. We're off. We're up and running. This three-day period, it's a little arbitrary, isn't it? We don't know why three days. No, we don't know at all. No. We really don't know. We're throwing it open to Sarah. And thank you.

36:05And last week, Fee, when you were away, Eve and I did talk about hoarding and that we've had a lot of emails on the subject and we will do those tomorrow, actually, because it's something that can be incredibly troubling. Yes. And there's been an interesting response. So thank you. Yes. Yeah, I think it's one of those terms, isn't it, that's bandied around a bit. A bit of a hoarder. Yeah, as a catch-all, but actually it is a listed mental health condition, isn't it? Yeah, really serious. Likewise, we'll talk a little bit more about grey hair as the week goes on. I just want to read this out, which is from Sarah, Sarah, who just says, thank you for talking about the trench coat that you spotted at the Literary Festival in Cheltenham.

36:43I live in Paris, but I come over every year for the book festival and I have to confess it made me feel less shallow to hear that you too can find sartorial inspiration as well as literary at this event. At a previous festival, my sister and I were queuing to get our book signed by the author Kate Moss. And while my sister was able to say she was a big fan of the trilogies. I found myself asking where she'd acquired her jumper. And this year I was so taken with a dress worn by the young lady interviewing Daphne du Maurier's grandson, made with fabric pattern with bookshelves and books, that I couldn't wait and submitted a Slido question during the talk asking where she'd bought it, which she duly answered at the very end of that talk.

37:21I think as we get older we lose our inhibitions and find it easier to ask people where they shop. Clearly you ladies are still too young to do that, but I hope you like that thought. and Sarah just says thank you as well because we are making her feel a little bit closer to home. I hope you're doing all right actually in Paris. There's so much trouble going on in the mainland of Europe at the moment, isn't there? But no, don't ever be ashamed of that. I mean, I think it's a funny thing, isn't it, that you feel at a literary festival that you very much should know the trilogies and actually quite a lot of the time It is the people watching that I find as satisfying as listening to the authors.

38:04I just love watching everyone go past. Well, I genuinely think they're gorgeous and welcoming environments. They are. And I don't think it matters whether you're, I mean, you and I both love all, genuinely all sorts of books. And it's lovely to take pleasure in one of our favourites, just losing yourself in a book. And sometimes I like to challenge myself. I've just finished a book called Said the Dead, which, yes, I know. Well, it's, and I, do you know what? I'm ashamed to say I simply cannot pronounce the name of the Irish author. And I'm so sorry. I'm not even going to attempt to do it. And when you find out what it's about, you'll realise that at times it was quite tough going.

38:43It's about a woman who becomes very immersed in the records of the Cork Mental Asylum. but she brings some of the stories of the inhabitants to life and it's very powerful but it's quite troubling and at times I think it's been an award-winning Irish book. I think people have raved about it but I, Fee, I won't lie, I sometimes, I was, I finished it but at times it was, it felt like an achievement, let's put it that way. Okay. Yeah. Well, maybe that's one that you can talk to Robbie Millen about on the programme. Two till four, he's on at about 3.30. this afternoon. Could you be quick focus on knees?

39:22I know we have to go. Do we have to go? Well, I think focus on knees and then I need a wee, so yeah, we've got to go. Okay. You've got 10 minutes. No, I need a wee. We've got to go, Eve. Fine. Thank you, Eve. It's all right for the young, isn't it? I know, exactly. Imagine, she just assumes that I could make it through 10 minutes. Madness. She doesn't understand. Lisa the Posty has been in touch. Fee, I share your knee pain. I think mine are awful. Wider in the middle, swollen and lumpy, riddled with arthritis and deaf-o-knees that a male rugby player would expect to have after a century of tough gameplay.

39:54Yeah, I'm absolutely hearing you. I've seen your knees, they're fine. Mine face each other as I walk, and as opposed to, I walk a lot. So I just try to be grateful that they allow me to do a very physical job while secretly being very envious of beautiful knees all summer long. Lisa, I bet your knees are gorgeous, and you're doing a very important job, and good luck with it. Varicose veins, I've got a query before we go as well, so you won't get to the loo quite as quickly as you might hope. Jane and Fee, I just wanted to send you both thanks for accompanying me, says Jenny from Essex, into my varicose vein surgery this morning.

40:27I was apprehensive. I'm fortunate not to have been in hospital since my children were born two decades ago. However, add in a dose of middle-aged claustrophobia and I wasn't relishing the thought of lying face down in a room with no windows for 40 minutes. I asked my surgeon if I could listen to you during the procedure and she was very open to it. You were great company and drowned out the beeps and noises of all the equipment. All done now. And I'm sporting a very attractive surgical stocking. Jenny, congratulations. You've been through it. You've come out the other side and I hope your recovery goes well.

41:00My query is this. As we enter the darker months, can people please tell me, perhaps even you might know. In fact, you might know. What is the best combination of light bulb and lampshade to get bright light? Right. So would it help if the lampshade was dark inside and light on the outside? This is my lack of scientific knowledge comes in here. What's happening? Because I can't seem to get the right kind of light from a lampshade, the kind of light I need to read in these darker months of the year. Well, don't you need a light that doesn't have a shade on it at all? You need a... Like a reading light.

41:44Yes. Because a lampshade by its very nature is shading the lamp. See what's happened? And that's where we'll end. I think there must be a combination of the inside of a lampshade and the outside that generates the most light from a bulb. This is all helping me, these movements. OK, well, I think you need a lamp above where you're reading, don't you? So that the light goes straight down onto it. So not an uplighter, but a downlighter. It doesn't even have to be for reading, I suppose. I'm just looking for the... What is the best combination of bulb and lampshade to generate positive but not stark light in a room?

42:30OK, well, I'd just say a bright light bulb with a not too dark shade. Yeah, but I've tried that and it doesn't work. Have you looked at any catalogues? I'll look at some catalogues. Have you looked on Instagram? I don't have Instagram anymore. Do you not? No. Oh, you won't be able to see the fantastic little post that I made. I'm sorry, I'm scratching my head again. I don't have nits at all. I've changed my shampoo, actually. I don't have nits. Canada Water, Jubilee Line, Escalator been shut for a long time. So there's a big sign, London Transport sign, TFL sign. Escalator broken. and underneath it says, until Slough is rewilded and the history of Watsits is taught in schools.

43:10Brilliant. Yeah. I mean, that's just wonderful, fantastic sense of humour. Yeah. Makes you smile on a Monday morning. Britain might be broken and things might not work. We're laughing at it. But at least we have a laugh. Yeah. That's very true. That's us. Right. Join us tomorrow for more of this sort of thing. It's Jane and Fee at Times.Radio. Thank you for being a part of it. she's going to wet herself we have to go I'm not going to wet myself

43:52congratulations you've staggered somehow to the end of another Off Air with Jane and Fee thank you if you'd like to hear us do this live and we do do it live every day Monday to Thursday, 2 till 4 on Times Radio. The jeopardy is off the scale. And if you listen to this, you'll understand exactly why that's the case. So you can get the radio online on DAB or on the free Times Radio app. Off Air is produced by Eve Salisbury and the executive producer is Rosie Cutler.

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45:13You can get a quote by searching AXA Health Insurance online. Pre-existing conditions are not covered. The mental health support line isn't a replacement for medical advice and is not an emergency service. Hey, we're Nick and Jack hosts of the best one yet behind every episode. There's research, email, spreadsheets, and our shared Google doc, the headline hammer with Google workspace with Gemini, Google's AI is built right into the premium versions of tools. We already use like Gmail docs and sheets, no new tools or extra logins, just personalized AI for the way we work. That means less time on the work around the work and more time finding the stories worth talking about.

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