Dr. Robin Smith: The Truth About Being Emotionally Full

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0:33Hi, it's Ashley from OWN. I used to think great work was about being in the right head space. Then I found a TikTok video that made me think about my physical space. An interior designer explored how things like ceiling height and room size might influence how we think. Now I wonder how much of our environment shapes our work without us noticing. Now I'm looking at my workspace asking what kind of thinking I'm making room for. On TikTok, one idea can change how you see something you thought you knew. Your next discovery is waiting on TikTok. I'm Oprah Winfrey. Welcome to Super Soul Conversations, the podcast.

1:09I believe that one of the most valuable gifts you can give yourself is time. Taking time to be more fully present. Your journey to become more inspired and connected to the deeper world around us starts right now. Dr. Robin Smith was born in Philadelphia in 1962. The daughter of a nationally known psychiatrist and academic prodigy, Robin started college at the age of 16 and later graduated with a doctorate in psychology. Dr. Robin then opened her own practice and, armed with the desire to heal and inspire others, began appearing as a guest expert on local television programs. My producers heard about Dr.

1:52Robin and decided she was someone that we needed to meet. In 2005, Dr. Robin became a regular on The Oprah Show, where she always delivered powerful and practical advice. Soon, she was a New York Times bestselling author, a motivational speaker who spoke to sold-out crowds, and the host of her own daily call-in radio show. Here's the thing. No matter who you are or where you are, at what station in your life, you will at some point have setbacks, unfortunately, because that is the circle of life, my son. And we're joined today by Dr. Robin Smith, who was an expert on the Oprah Winfrey Show for many years for a total of 35 appearances.

2:35Did you realize? 35 times. 35 times. I did realize that. That's a big deal. That's a very big deal to be on the Oprah Show all those years. Oh, yeah. During that time, you were helping so many people find their way. And in the past four years, it's been four years since we saw each other. And in those four years, a lot has happened. Too much. In that time, you lost your money. You lost your assets. Oh, yeah. Your house was flooded. Yeah. You were in a serious car accident. My house was burglarized, too. Oh, my goodness. And you lost your beloved dog, Callie. Yes. Which is like, who's your daughter?

3:09My child. Your child. Yeah. I know what that is. You do know. That happened to me with Sophie. And perhaps most profound and most difficult is you also lost your way. Absolutely. Yeah. Absolutely. And, you know, Oprah, what happened was as each thing happened, as each loss occurred, as each trauma occurred, I kept thinking that was bottom. Yeah. And that this was going to be now it. And I was, okay, I've suffered and now I'm going to take this suffering and life is going to get better. Yeah. And then something else would happen. In 2010, a car accident left Dr. Robin unable to work full-time. With mounting bills, plus having to take care of her elderly mother, Robin's money quickly began to dwindle.

3:58I was the walking dead. I was miserable. I was aching physically and emotionally. And so at some point, I just simply was so overwhelmed and so depressed because I could not imagine that this was my life. And I knew enough to know that God doesn't make mistakes, that the universe is absolutely on time and on point in every moment. And so for that reason, as any good child kicks and screams, I thought, what is this really about? I mean, what does this really mean? But at least you were cognizant enough, spiritually aware enough to ask that profound question. Yes. Not why me. No. But what is this really about?

4:46What is this here to teach me? What is this here to teach me? Is the ultimate question. Yes. And you, being a psychologist and a spiritual therapist as well. And an ordained minister. And an ordained minister. Yeah. Knew to ask those questions. And so this was my invitation to really have a very different conversation, not just with God and the universe, but with myself. With yourself. With me. And that conversation led to Dr. Robin's latest book, Hungry, a very personal look at the relationship choices, career setbacks, and childhood wounds that can leave any of us feeling empty and hungry for more.

5:24You know what is interesting? When I read your book, Hungry, which we're going to talk a lot about that today, but when I read Hungry, the whole time I was thinking, Robin Smith, Dr. Robin, who has been so helpful in consulting other people with their relationships and their challenges and their difficulties, went through all of this? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So I knew that, yes, this accident had a message, but I didn't have a clue what it was. Okay. And shortly after the accident, were you incapacitated? Were you able to walk or move? I was having a very hard time walking and moving, and I was aching, and I couldn't manage my body physically because I was in so much pain.

6:11And then I didn't know that Callie was going to die when she died, and she was fading and fading, and then all of a sudden it was time and she was gone. So when all of this happened, do you fall apart? Does your faith hold up through that? Or do you stop and say, God, what is going on? All three. I fell apart.

6:40I absolutely...my faith did hold strong. And, you know, people say, well, what does that mean? And what that means is that I still knew that God was sovereign. You know, C.S. Lewis, and I say this in the book, that a quote that I love of his is that God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, and yells, shouts at us, actually, in our pain. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world. And I would say it was God's megaphone to rouse a deaf and dying Robin. Yeah, I mean, it was. So I'm like, God, did you have to get that loud? I mean, it was just too much to bear. It was too much to bear.

7:34At some point, you have to stop and look at yourself and say, what is this here to show me? Yes. Where am I off course? Absolutely. Yeah, that's the question. God, where am I off course? Because this is somehow reflecting back to me how off course I am. I am. I am. Yeah, me. And so for you, it took a flood and a robbery. The death of your dog, that was all a part of the circle of life. Yes. And so out of that, you wrote the book Hungry. Hungry. Now, when I first started reading this book, I thought, oh, gee, Robin's anorexic, and she's going to now tell us about it. You said she's told me her business.

8:14How'd she leave that out? I mean, my God. Robin's anorexic, and she's going to tell me now what she's really hungry for. You know I haven't kept any secrets from you. All these years you've been so thin, and I've said, well, okay, maybe because I have the exact opposite problem. I think all skinny people are anorexic. Is that not my thinking? So you're not anorexic. I'm not. Yeah. You just have great genes. I do. I mean, my mother, my grandmother, but listen, I've got so many other issues. Please let me not have one. Yeah, I'm not. But you do write in the book about something I'd never heard phrased in all of my years of talking to people and listening to other people's dysfunctional issues and stories.

8:58You write about emotional anorexia. And that I was. I did not know there was such a term. Yeah, I mean, starving to death. You know, I mean, emotionally and being in connections and relationships that were draining and depleting and destructive. I was with people where I was starving emotionally and trying to tell myself, oh, it's either me, it's my issue. And it was my issue, but not the issue I thought that it was. Or maybe you're not really hungry. I mean, maybe you want too much, Robin. When you say emotionally anorexic, explain to me what that means. What it means is someone, and in this instance me, but a person, and a lot of people are like this, who are calling themselves full off of crumbs.

9:51So you can't get full. Off of the crumbs of life. Off the crumbs of life. You're speaking metaphorically. Yes, metaphorically. So that if a relationship is not enough, whether it's work or it's church. And you know you're not being fed. You know you're not being fed, and you tell yourself the lie. The lie. The lie, you know, that this is okay. But this is what I didn't understand, which was so hard to comprehend. You are Dr. Robin. I know, I know. You are Dr. Robin Smith. I am, I am, I am. Yes, you were for years. You know this. You've helped other people figure it out for themselves. Yes. So all those years that you were on the show, counseling other people and counseling people in your private practice.

10:37In your private practice. Were you hungry? I was hungry. But this is what's scarier. Not only was I hungry, I didn't know it. And this is why when we ask, why did all of those tragedies need to happen? Because here I had this amazing job with you, both on television and radio. Well, let's go back to why all those things needed to happen. Because, you know, your life is a metaphor for all of our lives. and I want people to understand that no experience is wasted. None. And when horrible things are happening and when wonderful things are happening, no experience is wasted. Absolutely. And everything in life is happening to grow you up.

11:18Absolutely. To fill you up, to grow you up. Absolutely. To help you to become more of who you were created to be. Yes. We agree with that. Absolutely. And you knew that. And I knew that. That's why you're still here. That's why I'm still here. Because if you didn't know that, then that could take you out. And it was... By the flood, you just say, I give. I give. Yeah. I mean, really, uncle, uncle, uncle. But you did know that. I did know it. I mean, I did know it. And it's interesting when you talk about what fills us. Yes. You know, what adulthood really is, Oprah, and I did say this many times on your show, adulthood is to finish the unfinished business of childhood.

11:57Absolutely. And so all those things that happened that were bad that we just talked about in my life, where we want to say we're bad, but we're challenging, that were painful, and they were painful. It was my invitation. It was the invitation of the universe saying, you've got some stuff, Robin, that isn't, it's getting in the way. Okay, and so it took a flood and a car accident and your dog dying and a robbery to wake you up. Yes. But everything that is happening is happening to wake us up. And it's because we are so loved by the universe. We are so cared for that it wouldn't want me to settle for crumbs, emotional crumbs, and call it a meal.

12:38Mm-hmm.

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13:52So when you write that about being hungry, what is it you were hungry for? I was hungry for myself. I was hungry for a self that a job, a man, money, that nothing could give me and that nothing could take away. I was hungry for a self that was so intact, that was so unified, that all of those hardships would not be able to rob me of myself. So you say in the preface that hungry is about awakening and becoming conscious about our thoughts, our feelings, and actions. It's not about the hunger for food. No. That's not what we're talking about. but the craving to reclaim and embrace our true identity, about finding ways to be kind and compassionate to parts of ourselves that we dislike, dishonor, or which bring us shame.

14:49Did you know that you were at such dis-ease with yourself? Did you know that? I didn't know it the way I know it now. I knew that there were pieces of me that longed for something more. And I said, well, I'm just broken. I was broken. My spirit was broken. My money was broken. I mean, my dreams were broken. Everything was broken. And I was hungry for a life that was unbroken. Okay, so explain to me what was going on all those years you were on the show. Yeah. Counseling other people. Well, it's, you know, like driving under the influence. And so just because I could help other people, and this is one of the things that is so true, people can help other people.

15:41Priests, you know, they'll say to a priest. Physician, heal thyself. Yeah, I mean, so this illusion we have that healers don't need to be healed themselves. Or that healers have to be fully whole to be able to be helpful or useful. Or that a priest who has never been married can't do good marriage therapy. It's not true. But what is true is that if someone like me does not attend to their own injuries in a very focused, awakened way, that I can help the whole world as I go down the tubes. Because it's true that you can understand a thing intellectually. Absolutely. Like intellectually, you all can hear this and you can hear that everything happens for a reason.

16:25Yes. When you're in the heat of it and the thing that's in your face is challenging, difficult, terrifying, horrible, it's hard to believe that that actually happened for a reason. Absolutely. Yes. Absolutely. So it's one thing to know it intellectually. It's another thing to live it. To live it. And so this was my call, you know, the come to Jesus. I mean, that you're going to really, and I believe this about Hungary, that this book could not be, not only could it not be written, but it would not be released until I could sit with you and look at you and look at myself, more importantly, and know that the shackles that I was living in are gone.

17:09I just really believe, I believe the universe said, you are not going to write this book and it's not going to be released until you yourself are free. I get that. So tell me this. Those years when you're on the Oprah show, counseling other people, did you feel in any way that you were a fraud or that that wasn't your authentic self or that you were being able to offer to other people something that you couldn't even give to yourself? No, it's interesting I didn't. And again, this is what is terrifying in some ways and why those challenging times had to happen. Because if, because I felt fully congruent.

17:48I was happy. I mean, you know, I was in here skipping, coming into work and flying here and laying on the floor and playing with your dogs. No, and then I was going home and having a happy life. Or so I thought. Or so I thought. That glow of fame hit. It's interesting. I had a funny conversation about, a funny conversation that was really so profound with Jamie Foxx. And Jamie was talking about how fame is a mist, like it's a mist. And that once he had the mist, after doing Ray, that he could walk into a room and just, he could feel. He could feel the difference in the way people treated him. The mist.

18:31The mist. The mist, the fame mist. The mist, the fame mist. and the being able to pay my bills missed and the being able to, you know, support family and do things that were really a blessing and a gift. But when they were gone, all of a sudden, it felt like, well, maybe I'm gone too. Yeah, who am I? Who am I? And, you know, I talk in Hungary about identity theft. I mean, what does it mean to not know who you are? Yeah, who am I? Who am I? And so all of a sudden, I realized that I was limping and walking around, not just from all of those tragedies that happened, but because I didn't know who I was without so many of the things that had kept me comfortable.

19:18And that was the gift, meaning when they were gone. Oh, that's powerful. Because who are you when you don't have the, you know, name on the show? Who are you when you're not doing the radio show? Who are you when you're not, when you don't have your beloved dog? Absolutely. Who are you? Who are you when I'm not sure if I can pay my mortgage? Who are you when you're not sure? I mean, what if I lose my house? Mm-hmm. I mean, what if? You know, what if that happens? Lots of people are faced with that. Yeah. So, I mean, so who am I? And is my gift and my value, my intrinsic value, I mean, is it there because of who I am as a human being, as a divine, you know, creation of God?

19:57Or did it go out of the window with that last appearance? Yeah. Oh, good. That's good. So did the fame go to your head? And I mean that in the most respectful way. Did it kind of spin you out a little bit? Well, I'll tell you what it did. I don't think it went to my head. I think what it gave me was a false sense of security. Okay, well, that's what I mean. Yeah. What it did is it let me think that I was going to, you know, be able to financially be okay. That I was going to be able, I mean, my mother, as you know, was 91. I mean, that I was going to be able, and my grandmother just died at 108.

20:36That's good genes, girl. Good genes. Those are good genes. That's why I'm trying to work some of this stuff out, because if I'm going to be here a long time, I don't want to suffer. But truthfully, I thought I'm going to be okay. And my mother and my grandmother, my family, we're going to financially be okay. And all of a sudden, that wasn't true anymore. That was no longer the reality. And that was petrifying, it was scary, and it was necessary. Let's talk about that fear, that fear of not knowing if you're going to be able to take care of yourself. I mean, that is where we are with a 7.9 % unemployment rate in the United States.

21:21A lot of people are out of jobs. People know other people who are out of jobs. Absolutely. And what that does to your sense of who am I? Who am I? Not to mention, how am I going to take care of myself and my family? Exactly. But who am I without my identity with my job? Yeah. I mean, it was a huge challenge for me to really look at this issue around financial security. Because all of a sudden, the savings and all of the things I thought I had done right, they weren't enough. They weren't enough. They weren't enough to sustain my life. They weren't enough to sustain the people who I felt that I wanted to help.

22:01I mean, my parents had been amazingly generous and helpful in educating me and being there for me. And all of that was now at risk. Did you worry about and do you worry about? You write in Hungry about, and I think this happens to everybody who has had some level of success, hitting high C, I think that's the chapter you call it. Yeah, hitting Hungry for the High Note. Hungry for the High Note. And you talk about Lionel Richie. Yes. You want to mention that? Yeah. You know, I talked about Michael Jackson and Whitney Houston and their early deaths and that people say that, you know, drugs killed them.

22:40Drugs didn't kill them. Nope. What killed them is that they were striving and hungry. They were starving to hit the high note again. I would agree with that 1 ,000%. I mean, Whitney said right before she died, my understanding is she said to Clive Davis, I'm going to hit that note again. Yes, she did. I'm going to hit that note again. We hit that note again. And we all know that note was gone. That note was gone. Michael was killing himself up all night because he was going to dance and he was going to top Thriller. I read this article in Vanity Fair where the author said Michael's friends say that he spent his whole life not understanding that Thriller was a phenomenon.

23:27I think Thriller to this day has sold more albums than any other album in the history of the world. And he was, even when he sold 20 million albums with Bad, he was not satisfied. He was always trying to come back in. Hungry. Hungry, hungry, hungry, hungry, hungry. Hungry. To hit that high note of Thriller again. Again. And never accepted it was a phenomenon. And do you know that really changed me reading that? Because I thought to myself, do not let that be you. Do not let that be you Chasing the high note of the Oprah show You have to create another Life for yourself Which is a totally different life And if you're going to stand in that space Of comparing yourself to what that 25 years were, you are lost Lost, I mean Really lost, and so Lionel Richie Says something which I love I heard Lionel Richie say this Which is, what he does now I mean, is when he's doing a concert and he gets to those notes that he says, I can't hit those notes anymore.

24:31He said, I just say to the audience, everybody sing along. Help me. Help me. Help me. And what's powerful about that is not only is he doing it, he's put it in the light. So he's not... So he doesn't have to fear it. He doesn't even have to fear it. He's saying, look, I can't do what I used to do. I can do this. And you all seem to still like this. But I can't do that old thing. So in the light, and this is what I've done in Hungary, you can't hurt someone when they put their own stuff in the light. You can't be hurt by it. It doesn't mean somebody can't hurt your feelings, but it means that that hiding our pain and hiding our shame, when that stuff is in the light, it's warm and it's embraced and you're not, it no longer has dominion.

25:24And not only is it that, it is, you know, what Brene Brown says in her book Daring Greatly, and you refer to Brene. And she says that vulnerability is really the greatest act of courage. Because to put yourself out there, to risk opening yourself and your heart in that way. First of all, it's what allows everybody to see themselves in you. Yes. And it is really, for me, what actually saves the life and the soul of the individual.

25:58You need something from Lowe's, but your day is already jam-packed. Since MyLowe's Rewards and MyLowe's Pro Rewards members get free same-day delivery, we'll make the run for you. Seriously, just lock in your order and we'll do the rest. See you soon. Members get more at Lowe's. $25 minimum and loyalty membership required. Order eligible items by 2 p.m. Subject to weight and size restrictions and availability. terms at Lowe's.com slash shipping terms. This January, Bare Knuckle Fighting Championship takes over the ocean. The inaugural Brews Cruise sails from Miami to the Bahamas aboard the Norwegian Jewel.

26:36Three straight days with pool deck bare knuckle fights in the Caribbean. Massive parties, beach events, DJs, cigars, tequila tastings, and nonstop action. The lineup reveals coming soon. Cabins are disappearing fast and the prices won't stay this low. Reserve your spot with just$200 down. at BKFSEA.com. So writing the book had to be cathartic. Writing the book was a huge thing, but I didn't know when I was writing it that I was actually going to save my own life. As I was writing, parts of me were being reclaimed and parts of me were being explored. Because to say it out loud. Out loud. To write it down.

27:20To write it down. To acknowledge for yourself. For myself. How lost you were. How lost. My mother, and you know this, was petrified as I wrote the book because she was worried. What are people going to say? I mean, Dr. Robin, what are they going to think? I mean, your patients and the world and your public. And I said, they're going to think that I was in trouble like them. They're going to see. Like, oh, she really gets what this journey is about. I trust somebody who's had some pain. Absolutely. Because then you know what mine is. Who has suffered. and who is unapologetic about the vulnerability and the fears and the tears and the ache.

27:58How did you do the work, though? How did you get to there? I mean, I did a lot of things. I meditated. I prayed. I went to therapy, which I had done before. But I did it differently. I did it awake. I did it not covering up. I did it not re-scripting abuse and neglect because neglect is another... Get it knowing I am in a hole and I got to get myself out. And I have to get myself out, right? No one else can pull me out of this hole. And in this way, it is my sanctuary where I will learn to be still, to be quiet, to listen, not only to the voice of God, but to learn to listen to what is my own true and authentic voice, to learn what does that voice sound like?

28:44Many of us don't even know what our true voice sounds like. were so unplugged. I was so unplugged that I couldn't tell. So am I wrong? Am I bad? Am I mean? Am I scared? Am I... Well, if I know my own voice, I'll know what I am and I'm just going to pay attention to that. To that. I don't have to understand it. I don't have to analyze it. I don't have to know the origin of it. I just have to trust it. Right. Trust it and trust me. Are you home yet? I'm home. I'm home. And it was a long, long journey. You know, one of the things that I am so aware of is that I barely made it out alive. I barely made it out alive.

29:33And people have said, you know, well, were you suicidal? And I said, not in that way. And actually what I said is the universe wasn't going to cooperate and let me die before I did the healing work. Now, so if I leave here and I don't get back to Philly safe, everybody will say, well, she was free. You know, but it wasn't going to let, because it was the cheap way out. I wanted to... Dying would have been easy. Absolutely. I mean, not on my family and friends, but are you kidding? I wouldn't have had to do the work. And I would have missed out on this moment of knowing that there is a worthy being in me, not because anyone else thinks so except me and the Creator.

30:18The last chapter of the book says it only takes two. There's a story about Jesus and being questioned about his identity and, you know, who is he? And he said, you know, in your law, talking about in Jewish law, it says that you only need two witnesses. My father is the first witness. And I am my own. That's it. And that's the great news of this, that of course we want loving people in our village and community to affirm us. But at the end of the day, it only takes two. At the end of the day, do you feel closer to God? Closer to yourself? Yes. Do you feel that this journey of being hungry and searching for what would feed you, do you feel that you're now whole?

31:08I feel whole. I feel closer to God. I feel whole. But what I'd like to say to you and to everyone listening is this. We don't want to think that wholeness is a one-time deal. Right. Wholeness and consciousness, being awake in this moment. It's continuous. I've got to choose that in this moment and the next breath. Yes. Meaning our next sentence. I still have to re-choose, am I going to go back to sleep? or in the next breath will I still be awake to myself, to nature, to creation, to God, and to you? And so, yes, I'm whole, but not whole in a way where I think, oh, let me sit back and relax. That's right, that everything's taken care of and now I'm not going to have any more problems.

31:53No, because remember, adulthood is here for us to address the unfinished work of childhood. And most people think that, oh, childhood was that, and now I've moved on to this. The real deal on the bottom line is this, that wholeness really comes when we are able to know that our child injuries have less power in our adult current life. That's right. That's what wholeness and peace and freedom and dignity and liberty are about. Yes, because the thing that everybody has to get is that the pain that you suffered as a child, you weren't able to do anything about it. And it's not going anywhere. It's not going anywhere.

32:35It's going to be there. It's there. It's not going anywhere. Absolutely. And now as an adult, you get to heal that wound and close that wound because you can do something. And care for the wound. Absolutely. Finish these sentences. Okay. The thing that matters most to me is... Dignity and our inalienable right to be free. What is freedom? Freedom is being who you are, unapologetically. I believe in. God and God is love. I am grateful for. This moment. The world needs. An open heart. What is the soul? An unshackled core of energy and light that mirrors back its own beauty. What is your definition of God?

33:31Love and peace and freedom. Have you always been a spiritual person or was there a moment where you realized that there was a connection to something greater? Always been there. As a little girl, I pretended to be a radio disc jockey and my radio station was called WGOD. So somehow as a little kid, the sense of spirit has always just been with me in a very deep way. If you could ask God one question, what would it be? I love that question. Let me see the world and creation as you do. Show me how to do that. Ooh, that's good. Yeah. That's good. Your greatest fear? That I would abandon myself and not live the life that's mine to live.

34:25What is your secret strength? outrageous faith and a huge compassionate heart. What's the best piece of advice you've ever gotten? Be quiet enough to hear God's voice so that you can find your own. My parents told me that. What do you know for sure? That I am loved and that God is sovereign and that the universe is perfect. Dr. Robin Smith that is fantastic and Oprah you were fantastic thank you thank you so much that was good Robin that was good I'm Oprah Winfrey and you've been listening to Super Soul Conversations the podcast you can follow Super Soul on Instagram Twitter and Facebook if you haven't yet go to Apple Podcasts and subscribe rate and review this podcast Join me next week for another Super Soul Conversation.

35:27Thank you for listening.

35:53$25 minimum and loyalty membership required. Order eligible items by 2 p.m. Subject to weight and size restrictions and availability. Terms at Lowe's.com slash shipping terms. This January, Bare Knuckle Fighting Championship takes over the ocean. The inaugural Brews Cruise sails from Miami to the Bahamas aboard the Norwegian Jewel. Three straight days with pool deck bare knuckle fights in the Caribbean. Massive parties, beach events, DJs, cigars, tequila tastings, and nonstop action. The lineup reveals coming soon. Cabins are disappearing fast and the prices won't stay this low. Reserve your spot with just$200 down at BKFSEA.com.