Tracy McMillan: The Spiritual Aspects of Love

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1:28Neil O 'Neill, Reba McIntyre, Dwayne Johnson, and Jane Fonda, just to name a few, share what they've learned about life and their own insights into their personal stories and challenges. I believe that there's something to be learned from every experience and everyone can use their life as a class. Oprah's Masterclass Podcast is available now on Apple Podcasts. Subscribe now and listen free. Go to applepodcast.com slash Oprah's Masterclass. I'm Oprah Winfrey. Welcome to Super Soul Conversations, the podcast. I believe that one of the most valuable gifts you can give yourself is time. Taking time to be more fully present.

2:13Your journey to become more inspired and connected to the deeper world around us starts right now. Author Tracy McMillan believes relationships thrive when they're viewed as living, breathing, sacred things. A true teacher with so much wisdom, you might be surprised to learn that Tracy's life began with a belief that broken relationships were her legacy. Born in Minneapolis in 1964, Tracy spent much of her early childhood in foster care. She says she was abandoned by her mother and her father bounced in and out of prison. Tracy lived in constant chaos. As an adult, the pain of her past made a significant impact on the way she approached relationships.

2:57She married and divorced three times. After her third divorce, Tracy had her big aha moment. She realized she'd been searching for love in all the wrong places. She needed to look inside. This discovery unlocked a lifetime of spiritual lessons. Tracy even began to see her challenging upbringing in a new light, and she poured her soul into her first spiritual memoir on relationships. I love you, and I'm leaving you anyway. In 2011, Tracy introduced herself to the world in a very big way when she wrote an article for the Huffington Post with the cheeky title, Why You're Not Married, went viral, and has been viewed more than two and a half million times.

3:40It is, to date, one of the top five Huffington Post articles ever. A book deal soon followed, and Tracy has become known for her spiritually charged, no-nonsense advice on how to live more and love better. But it all started with the lesson she shared in that little article on the Huffington Post. Okay, so this is what's so interesting to me. You write that article about why you're not married. It goes viral, and all of a sudden, you are labeled an expert. Yes, and it's because I've failed so many times. quote unquote failed. I wrote that piece. You know, I'm a person who's been married and divorced three times.

4:19I know. When I first heard that, I thought, why is a person who's been married and divorced three times going to be able to teach us how to have better relationships? And then when I thought about it, oh, everything that happens in anybody's life, every so-called failure or mistake, is there to teach you more about who you are. And if you're paying attention, you get better, you get better, you get better. And so you would be the best person. You learn a lot from success, but you can learn even more from failure. Failure is a mighty teacher. Yeah. And you know, what I've come to from that is that relationships are a spiritual path.

4:55It's like you get into a relationship. We think it's because, oh, I fell in love or, oh, we're going to have a home or make a family. And yes, all that's true. And there's another level on which relationships are there to teach you how to love more and better. And number one, you have to learn how to love yourself more and better because the relationship that you're having with another person is the same one you're having with yourself all the time. All the time. So you say on page 126, after all these years of getting married and dating, a whole lot of failure or pre-success, as I like to call it, here's what I know.

5:28Men or women mirror back our deepest, most unconscious beliefs about ourselves. Yes. And that is why it is the greatest spiritual path. Yes. So when a relationship is reflecting something back at you, sometimes you want to say, that's not what I believe about myself. But if you look at it and say, okay, if that's what I believe, then what do I need to change about the way I'm loving myself? Okay, I want you to break this down a moment because I can feel all the ahas happening. So show us how that or teach us how that shows up for ourselves. Because I think a lot of people can hear that and they go, uh, but he's a jerk.

6:08So what does that have to do with me? Right. And you're saying it has everything to do with you. I'm saying it has everything to do with you. And a lot of times, okay, so take my life, for example. At 19, I got married. The only thing I knew is that I wanted to feel safe. And I met a guy when I was 17 who was a wonderful person. You know, he had an MBA. He was 10 years older than me. He was from a great family. I knew from watching a lot of TV that I was supposed to be choosing that kind of man. Okay, so let's stop right there. You said, I knew that I wanted to be safe. Did you know that then, or did you know it in retrospect?

6:43I even knew it then. I was never interested in the bad boy coming out of my childhood with my criminal dad and my alcoholic mother, that if I went there, it was not going to be good. So I sort of went... You were trying to avoid that. Which is also... A way people choose their partners. Yeah, right. I don't want anybody that's like that. Exactly. Because I'm trying to get away from that. Exactly. But the truth is you can never get away from anything. You can never get away from you. So I married that first man, really good man, and I'm saying, something's missing here. Something's missing. I left my first husband.

7:20I married the second man. Something's missing. Something's missing. I leave him. I marry the third man. This is it. And guess what happens there? He starts dating at nine months of marriage. Meaning cheating on you. Yes. This is what... That's a nice way to put it. He started dating while we were married. Yeah, exactly. He's like, oh, nine months of marriage. I think it's time to start dating. And it's like, unconsciously, that's what felt right to me. Yeah. Okay, so this is confusing to people who don't know. So if you brought up an environment where you're lied to, cheated, there's constant betrayal, constant chaos, can't depend on anything or anybody, somewhere unconsciously in your being, you're drawn to that.

8:06Yes, that's what feels right to you. You're comfortable with that. Yes, and you will reject goodness. Yes. The right thing. You will reject that like, hmm, this doesn't feel correct in favor of the person who's good. Okay, this is so exciting. Okay, calm down, Oprah, calm down. Okay, you will reject that because what you really want is to try to heal that thing. And that's why you can trust your mistakes. It's not about doing it perfectly, you know? It's like for me, I needed to be in that marriage with that person in order for me to heal my stuff. So how was that healing to you? How did that become a teacher?

8:53Well, the first thing it allowed me to do, it really did set me free. And part of how it set me free is that it allowed me to like come home to Tracy. I had spent, you know, I married him when I was 40 years old. I had spent a lifetime in these relationships looking for something, feeling half instead of whole. And I thought a man was going to fix me. I really did. Even though it was unconscious, if you had stood outside the grocery store with a clipboard and said, Hey, do you feel like a man is going to fix you? I would have said, No, not me. Because I'm the modern woman of the 21st century. I don't believe those things.

9:35I don't. However, if you look at my behavior, I was a woman who was chasing after relationships as though I wasn't going to be whole until I got into one, the right one. So here I am with this man. I reached the absolute brick wall. So I feel like one of the lessons I've learned in life is when you ask for patience, what you get is a line at the bank. In other words, life gives you the people, places, and situations that are going to allow you to once and for all develop what it is you need. And if you ask for love, the opposite is going to show up so that you can show up. Practice your love. Yeah.

10:17Hello, Ducks. Word from the Ducks. Amen choir over there. Yes, the amen section. You know, the way you understand your life and the story you tell about your life has the power to shape your life, you know? So what happened to me is I was born to a mother who was a prostitute, alcoholic. My dad was a pimp and a drug dealer. I say they had hearts of gold. They were good people in their hearts, but they had a lot of issues. And so I went into foster care. I went kind of back and forth for a while. And then when I was three years old, I went to live with a Lutheran minister, his wife, and their five kids.

10:55And in many respects, this is the beginning of my really spiritual hometown was Lutheranism. And they taught me so much about being loving, just loving people, whoever comes. Yeah. I've heard you say, or I read, that they walk the walk of Christianity. They walk the walk. They walk the walk of Christianity, which is the walk of compassion. It is. And one of the ways I think about this is that's not an easy thing to do. No one has in mind, oh, let me take a very troubled four-year-old. Yeah. I was, you know, a handful is putting it nicely. I created a lot of trouble around there. And a lot of chaos.

11:41A lot of chaos. Because that's what you're used to. You had no grounding. That's what was inside. And I was just going to act on the outside how I felt on the inside, which is true of everybody, by the way. And this is why it's easy to have compassion for people because you know when they're acting out, it's because that's how they feel on the inside. And the answer is compassion. Oh, that's a tweetable moment because people just act on the outside the way they feel on the inside. That is so moving. I mean, I've heard lots of conversations, but I've never heard it put that way before. People just act on the outside the way they feel on the inside.

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13:34Be adventurous in the sun. Be protected in the sun. Be confident in the sun. Be fearless in the sun with Blue Lizard Australian Sunscreen. As experts in mineral sunscreens for nearly 30 years, we've earned awards for our high-quality products and the trust of healthcare professionals. Embrace every moment in the sun with your family and Blue Lizard by your side. Be fearless in the sun. Shop Blue Lizard Australian Sunscreen now on Amazon.com. So were you able to carry, because I know you were with the Lutheran family who showed you love. Yes. Were you able to carry the spirit and energy of that forward even as you moved out of that home into greater chaos?

14:20Into the next home. Yes, I was, because, you know, in one sense, I could go into the next home and say, I know this isn't the only way it can be. Wow. I've seen it be another way. Because I have seen and known and felt love. Yes. Yeah. And the other thing I took from it was I looked at my life today. I look at my life. My life is so abundant, so beautiful. And I thought, look what God can do. He can take me from there to here. Daughter of a prostitute, a pimp, in and out of jail, all those years, foster care, foster care, foster care. Yeah. And can make my life the way it looks today. So I think the great lesson for your life and all of our lives is that every experience, every encounter is there to help us to come to know more fully who we really are.

15:19Everything. I mean, I say all the time here on Super Soul Sunday, nothing that ever happens is wasted. That's right. Unless you let it be wasted. Yes. There's something in there. Yeah. So if you're looking in particularly because you're now the expert on relationships, if you're looking at your relationships and it's not working, the first place to look is here. And not don't look in a way of being mean to yourself and going, how come you haven't figured it out yet? So what is the question we should be asking, Tracy? What is the question one asks when you're looking? I know there are lots of you right now in relationships not going the way you want it to.

16:02And what is the first question you should be asking of yourself? Because I think most people ask, how do I make him or her? Women are like, how do I get him to? Yes. So the question I ask myself is, where do I need to love myself more? What is it that I'm here to learn? what is it that I believe about myself that this situation is showing me? And then what can I do about it? Let's get started. Let's get started. Yeah. Okay. So one of the reasons why people don't have the relationships that they want, in particular, a lot of women are seeking marriage as an end-all be-all to that relationship. a lot of the reasons you say is because of the B word.

16:52Yeah, number one. And what does that mean, being a bitch? It doesn't mean you're a bad person. It means there's, I would say, anger, fear, defensiveness. Like, bitch is like an energy. It's like a thing that says, step off. It's a self-protection. Yeah. And it's not a bad thing. So you need a little bit of it. Yes, you do. You need some of it. It's wonderful when it comes time to protect yourself. um it in like setting boundaries yes setting boundaries but it's not something that you need to bring with you just because it's thursday you need to let go walking around with all that attitude yeah for what and i think what happened was we we came to equate it with being modern you know it's like what the cute oh yeah we use the word now like totally like babe in total control honey you're like okay but here's the thing no one wants to be married to somebody who's in total control.

17:49Who wants to partner with somebody who needs total control all the time? That's a nightmare. You don't want to be with a guy who's in total control or wants that. So it's like if you just turn everything around and go, would I want to be with a partner who's thinking these thoughts or acting like this? Right. If the answer is no, then I need to let go of it as a behavior. And you say, you said in the article, men want to marry just somebody who's nice to them. Yeah. Yeah. Just like you want to marry someone kind. Yeah. It's really a no brainer. Okay. I just love this. When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really truly matters.

18:23Character. So it stands to reason that a man's character should be at the top of the list of things you're looking for, right? But if you're not married, I already know that it isn't. Because if you were looking for a man of character, you would have found one by now. Men of character are by definition willing to commit. Instead, this made me laugh because I've heard this from so many of my friends. Instead, you're looking for someone tall. Yes. Or rich. Yes. Unfortunately, this is not the thinking of a wife. This is the thinking of a teenage girl. And men of character do not want to marry teenage girls because teenage girls are never happy and they never feel like cooking either.

19:02I thought that was so brilliant. Thank you. And I'm not saying, oh, does this mean you're saying, I'm here, I have to cook? No, I'm not saying that. What I'm saying is just like you don't want to partner or can't partner with the teenage boy part of a man, because inside every man is a teenage boy and inside every woman is a teenage girl. But you can't partner there because it's going to be a mess. It's going to be two people. That is so true. And so many people are operating from their teenage brains. Yeah, and that's like I'm here to get something. You know, sometimes I'll hear people say, okay, I want this and I want this and I want this.

19:39And I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, time out. What are you going to give? because that's what this journey is about. It's really about being of service to another person. It's about loving another person. That's what it really is about. It really is. Yeah. Here's the thing. I say you can't boink a guy into loving you. Boink? I think that's Gail's word. Is it? I thought that was an original word. Well, I would probably use another word in a casual conversation, but let's just say boink. Okay. Because here's the thing. like sometimes we have a whole thing in our culture about friends with benefits. And I'm not saying you can't have sex with whoever you want.

20:17Of course you can. But if you're ready to get married and partner on a spiritual level, chances are you're going to have to let go of casual sex because it tends to get in the way of forming the true partnership. Okay, so let me read what you said on the HuffPo article. Listen, I'm not going to read the whole article, everybody, so go to HuffPo and download it. It's so great. And pass it on to all of your single friends and then get them the book. This is a perfect book for a single friend. Why you're not married yet. Okay. You say because past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin.

20:55It doesn't stay recreational for long. Exactly. Wow. What a powerful, savvy line. Now, not everyone's like this, but you can't take your three girlfriends who are successfully having casual sex and be one of them if that's not you. You just need to figure out who you are. And what I learned is that I cannot have casual sex and keep it casual. Doesn't work for me. Doesn't work for you. And if it doesn't, and people just have to ask themselves, can you do it? If you can't, then you need to stop having the casual sex. Yes. It's like you can't take a temp job hoping that if you're so great, you really wow on the temp job, you can work it into full time.

21:32That is not how relationships work, where you're going to start with the casual sex, which is the temp job, and work it into the full time, which is like the committed relationship. Yeah, it doesn't work that way. It doesn't. Yeah. You say another reason why we don't have the relationships you want, why you're not married, strong relationships, is because you're a liar. Yes. And what does lying mean? Well, for example, the guy says, okay, I just want to keep it casual. We can have casual sex. Like, I'm just not in the mood for a big relationship right now. And you go, oh, that's fine. I'm not in the mood for a big relationship right now either.

22:08Maybe in a couple weeks I will be, but right now everything's cool. That's a lie. That's a lie. If you want to be in a long-term committed relationship, you have to say that. You can't just hide it behind your back. But you shouldn't say it on the first date. No, you don't have to say it on the first date. You say to the person, if you give any boundary pretty much at all to another person, they'll be like, oh. If you say to them, hey, I really want a long-term relationship and they don't want that, they'll be like, okay, pass. But that's exactly what you say in the HuffPort article. You say, and now in the book, you say that if women are afraid, mostly, to tell the truth.

22:50Yes. Because if they tell the truth, if they say, well, you know, I was really looking for a longer-term relationship, that the guy will go, he will not call you again. Yes. So you try to, you tell the lie to yourself and to him. That's right. that you're willing to be casual and keep it casual, hoping that the longer he stays around you, he'll be convinced that you are the one. That's right. And that will change. Yes. And you're saying that doesn't change. It doesn't. Yeah. No, it doesn't. Unfortunately. Because, I mean, you know, we've all tried. We've all tried. I mean, and then the other part about being a liar is you can be in a relationship.

23:26Things are going a certain way, and you can see that this person doesn't respect you, for example. and then you lie to yourself to stay in it. Yes. Well, I don't think you can get that until you get it. Until you get it. Until you get it. You know. The other thing you say that keeps us out of good relationships is our selfishness. Yeah. And so many women are thinking, men, about themselves. Oh, my gosh. Not quite self-absorbed, but just thinking about yourself. It's more just like, well, what does me want? What does me think? Yes. What does me think about him? Yes. It's like me doesn't is going to stand in the way of forming the two partnership.

24:08Let me just read this. You say if you're not married, chances are you think a lot about you. You think about your thighs, your outfits. You think about your career. If you don't have one, you think about doing yoga teacher training. You think about sometimes you think about how marrying a wealthy guy or at least a guy with a really, really good job would solve all your problems. However, a good wife, even a halfway decent one, does not spend most of her day thinking about herself. She has too much expletive to do, especially after having kids. Yeah. That it's not about you anymore. It's not about me anymore.

24:39And everybody does not have to have the same journey. There's not one right way to do relationships or one right way to do marriage. It's really about embracing yourself, your journey, and finding out how to love yourself more and love others more. Yeah. You say marriage is a spiritual endeavor. Yes, it is. And love is always spiritual. It always is. Be fearless in the sun with Blue Lizard Australian Sunscreen. Whether you're diving into ocean waves or simply chasing your kids around the backyard, Blue Lizard has you covered so you can enjoy every moment worry-free. Designed for your whole family and free from fragrances, parabens, and phthalates, Blue Lizard is your go-to mineral sunscreen trusted by dermatologists, pediatricians, and parents.

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26:16You know, Gary Zukav has been on Super Soul many times and wrote one of the books that was most meaningful in my life, Seat of the Soul. and he says that there is, he calls spiritual partnership, the partnership between equals for the purpose of spiritual growth. What does a true spiritual partnership look like to you? That's a good question. I think it can take a lot of different, it can look a lot of different ways, but the way it looks for me today is that the overwhelming feeling is love. You know, It's not struggle. I think there's a difference between work and struggle. Struggle, no. Work, yes, effort.

27:03Yeah, work with ease. Yes. Work with ease. Ease and grace. Yeah, and one of the principles you speak of so beautifully here, I've tried to for years talk about this principle of surrendering. And people so often mistake it for giving up. Yes. But it's a way of, you describe it as letting go. That's right. And you talk about holding the bird in your hand or butterfly in your hand. And when you open your hand, if it stays, it's because it chooses to stay. That's right. Or if it goes, be well with that. Yeah. One of my simplest, you know, prayer is a big part of my spiritual practice. And my prayers are very simple.

27:42It'll be a prayer like this. Show me. Show me what you want me to do. Use me. Mine is use me, yeah. Use me. And I think sometimes when I have a situation, whenever I'm at a decision point in my life, it'll be like, I'm just going to open my hand, and if it's supposed to go away, or if the wind is supposed to come along and blow whatever it is off my hand, let it go. Let it go. It's not for me. And that's the thing. Like, when you tell the truth to a partner, this is what I'm looking for, and they go away, it's because they're not for you. You want them to go away sooner rather than later. Absolutely.

28:19But I think what we've said and you've expressed so beautifully is that so many people are afraid that if I actually just tell the truth, then I'll be alone and I won't find anybody else. And this was my one chance. Yes. And in fact, unless you tell the truth, you won't find that spiritual partnership because the spiritual partnership is based on the truth. Relationship expert Tracy McMillan believes that marriage is not about getting something, it is all about giving. She says that the spiritual purpose of relationships has been clouded by romantic notions like the princess fantasy, the dream that marriage will make your life perfect or whole.

29:02Let's talk about how that princess fantasy has really messed with what our expectations are and what it's so interesting we were talking earlier about when you go to different cultures I mean when I was in India at first I was saying I would never want somebody finding a mate for me but the the tradition of trusting your parents and there's something to be said for marrying someone for the purpose of finding love but also building family connection and tradition. And ours is a very different cultural expectation. Yeah, we now have the bachelor fantasy, the princess fantasy. And I think part of it is that obviously we're not, we don't live in a world where we're going to have arranged marriages in the United States of America.

29:48But what if you took that attitude of building in service and brought it into your loving love marriage. Yes. I think part of it is the, all the unconscious and psychological stuff that happens when you fall in love with somebody, which is you choose somebody based on all these unconscious beliefs. And then all that stuff surfaces in the relationship and you go, oh, I'm supposed to leave. So you, you leave instead of going, oh, I'm supposed to grow spiritually. oh I'm supposed to do some inner work here yeah I'm supposed to practice loving like it's yoga when the other person is I'm not saying you do this in an abusive relationship I'm saying let's say you find that loving willing partner you join in that way then you start practicing absolutely and you know I'm so aware of that because I have a world of daughters I have 170 many daughters from my school and college.

30:53I go to my school once a year and teach what I call Life 101. A lot of them have come from challenged, difficult, abusive backgrounds. And I say to them, that is going to show up over and over in your relationships unless you are aware of it. That's right. It's going to come walking in the door. Yeah. It's going to look good. It's going It's going to be the father who abandoned you, the mother who never was available to you. It's going to show up, show up, show up, show up. But when you are aware of it and conscious of it, it's an opportunity to heal. That's right. Yeah. This is what I love so much.

31:32The good news is that I believe every woman who wants to can find a great partner. You're just going to need to get rid of the idea that marriage will make you happy. That's right. It won't. It won't. Once the initial high wear is off, you'll just be you except with twice as much laundry. Yes. I just love that. Yeah. So this whole idea that our society, I mean, it was a good line in the Jerry Maguire movie. But I think that messed a lot of people up when you complete me. That's right. There's no one's going to complete you. You're whole right now. Like the ideal marriage is or relationship is two happy people who join together to create more happiness and really to light up the world.

32:17Because here's the thing. Once you are in that place of self-love, your job becomes about loving people, being a channel of something other than your own thoughts, your own self-obsession. And to really just light up your little corner of the universe. Because ultimately, marriage is not about getting something, you say. It's about giving it. That's right. Strangely, men understand this more than we do. Do they really? Well, I think in some ways, there is a thing where no man dreams of white wedding dress. And I'm not saying every woman dreams of that. Yeah, but a lot of them do. I don't. A lot do.

32:57Yeah, it's about the wedding and not the marriage. There's a reason there's 18 seasons of The Bachelor. There's a reason there's a show called Say Yes to the Dress. But it's like, I don't think men grow up with the mindset of someday I'm going to get married. And it's going to be the most beautiful day of my life. So in that way, I think they have more of a focus on, okay, I'm going to get married and it's going to be hard. And I'm going to have to give something up. Yeah. And so in that way, I think men in some ways understand that it's difficult. And in some ways, you know, we are a species.

33:32we evolved to want to partner. I'm not saying it's all bad, but what I am saying is you have to put some spirit on this, especially as long as we live and as long as our marriages and relationships are going to last. You need to put some spirit on it if you're going to put the whole relationship on a higher plane. You need some spirit. You need some spirit. So if you had to leave, one message with us today, a super soul message for how to step up in our relationships, not necessarily get married because I don't want to get married, but how to fulfill the promise that a relationship could be for you.

34:25What would you tell us? Well, the first thing I would say is that no matter what has happened to you in your life, or no matter what hasn't happened to you in your life, you are whole right now. There's no person, place, or thing that's going to come in that's going to make any one of us more whole than we are right now. And when I know that, and I really operate from that place of wholeness, which for me is based on a connection with a higher power, my wholeness is based on my spiritual understanding and my relationship with spirit, all of my relationships get put on a higher plane. That's how we do it.

35:15This is how you do it. That was great. That's how you do it. What do you think the soul is? What do you think it is? I think it's that place, that aspect of oneself that never changes across time. I went to my 30-year high school reunion, and I looked at everybody, and you could see, oh, this is when I understood soul. That part of them that I knew at 16, I still see, that thing that I see in their eyes, that's the exact same thing that was there then, that's their soul. Wow. That unchanging thing. Do you have a definition for God? What is it? To me, God is good, right? So God is everywhere. So in every situation, there is some good.

36:05It is my job to focus on what the good is. God is light. So it's about turning the lights on and seeing. And God is love. Who have been your greatest spiritual teachers? Well, I would say my foster mother, one of my most powerful spiritual teachers, and hers was a message of love and acceptance. And she held a space for me that I could become everything that I had the potential to be, no matter what I'd been through. She knew that. That is love. That is love. That is love. What's the lesson that's taken you the longest to learn?

36:53I'd say the lesson that took me the longest to learn is compassion, right? For myself. Because I think what I used to be very kind of hard on myself. I thought I was supposed to know things before it was possible to know them. The truth is, is that everything we're doing, that's our life's work. My life's work is to learn how to love better. My life's work is to to learn how to put light in places where it's dark. Yeah. Finish the sentence. The world needs... More love. I believe in... Love. Love is... Kindness. And marriage is... A spiritual journey. The world's most intense yoga. I love that.

37:42Perfect. Thank you. Great job. Not just good job. Great job. Thank you. Wonderful to be here. Well, thank you. Couldn't be more grateful. I'm Oprah Winfrey, and you've been listening to Super Soul Conversations, the podcast. You can follow Super Soul on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook. If you haven't yet, go to Apple Podcasts and subscribe, rate, and review this podcast. Join me next week for another Super Soul Conversation. Thank you for listening.

38:41We'll see you next time. sponsorships or run your own ads all from one platform. Transparent pricing, real-time data, complete control. Start advertising on podcasts by visiting acast.com slash advertise.