How to Rebuild Your Identity When Everything Falls Apart | Bianca D’Alessio — EP 743

26:46That for me, like that was the, that was the experiment. That was the proof that I had done it once and it would work again. but there's no doubt at the middle of writing my book I'm like oh my gosh like how do I keep going do I start over again and then I remember when I turned my book into my publisher I was I had I couldn't sleep at night I was like did I share too much are people gonna think I'm nuts do people want to read this did why did I do this and it creeped all in over again I'm like you know what you take it one day at a time if no one reads it no one reads it and I did it for me And if someone does read it, even if one person takes one thing out of it, then it was worth it.

27:28And so I think it's just trying to find the justification and the comfort in everything in this book and everything that I'm doing and showing up at is authentic and it's vulnerable. And to me, there's enough power in that all on its own that I need to own that. I just finished a series last month on the forces that shape us. And the last solo episode I did was around the stories that we tell ourselves. And a lot of those are based on societal expectations or expectations that your family sets on you when you're young and like. And I know this is a core chapter of your book as well about how to free yourself from societal expectations.

28:12What do you think is the hardest thing in doing that? And what would you recommend to a listener on how they themselves can take the first step to break free from them? I think the most important thing is realizing that we all only have one life to live and we have to live it for ourselves. and you will exhaust yourself so much trying to live life for everyone else. And that's so much easier said than done because I've been on that hamster wheel many times. But I think that's why for me, a constant recalibration of understanding like, what are my goals? Why am I doing this? Is this serving me?

28:54Is this relationship serving me and helping me become the best person I want to be? I think that's all very important. But I think there's definitely, there becomes a lot of pressure from society and from family for how we show up and what we deserve and our obligations and our responsibilities. And I think there's so much of it that's just looking inward of what is the life that I want to live and what do I want to be remembered for? And then how do you craft life around that? But I think a big, a really big part of that is, is recognizing, I think I had this conversation about work-life balance a lot.

29:35And to me, like rewriting that narrative, because I feel people get the most frustrated and the most burnt out when they try to silo their lives of this is work and this is my personal life. and this is my parents and this is my kids finding a way to bring surround the energy and the peace around all of the places in the world in which you exist is which will is what will bring you the most internal peace and so I think that mental shift is also very important as you're trying to shut down this is what work wants for me this is what my spouse wants for me this is what my kids want for me well who do you want to be how do you want to show up in each of those relationships how How do you want to define yourself and your trajectory and your success and then creating that pathway forward?

30:22A couple of the things that I just picked up from your answer really tie into kind of the science or the art of creating the future life that you want. And I know a lot of your work is based on manifestation and manifesting the future. And it's something that I think you refer to as future casting. So what does that future casting look like to you? And how could someone else who's listening employ this in their own life? I think there's something that you cannot underestimate about wanting to build the future life that you want and recognizing the hard work and the discipline and the intentionality that comes with creating that plan.

31:05And to me, in a very simple way that I think helps people, especially in a lot, I speak to a lot of women, especially professional women who, again, they have these societal pressures of how do I have a family and how do I be a great partner, but how do I also grow my career and how do I manage all of that? and trying to look at, I like to have some sort of a plan. Like life's funny. Sometimes it'll throw you a different one, but some sort of a plan of, if you are looking to start your family in X amount of time, what does that mean? And what does that require from you? And what is the sacrifice you need to make in a time period to that before you start that journey?

31:46And then coming to terms with how does life shift your relationships, your profession, your experience with yourself once you make that adjustment? And then what's the period for you that you're outlining on paper? Now, of course, it may change for when you get to jump back in or what that looks like after. Why I say all that is that creates some sort of a control of this is the work that I'm going to put in for the next two to three years. And then in year four, provided everything works well, this is when I get to make that shift. And giving yourself that sort of grace of this is how I'm going to dedicate everything I can to my work right now and how I'm going to show up or this is what I'm going to dedicate to my spouse.

32:28That allows you to have these intentional conversations with the partners in your life of this is where I am on my journey. And why that's so important is when you're able to communicate and vocalize your planning, that makes a lot of shifts for you. A big thing that is happening for me yesterday, I just took the afternoon off of work because my grandparents are getting elderly and I'm very aware of my grandparents are a very important and big part in my life and I don't get to see them nearly as much but when they call I'm there and when something is health wise is going on with them I'm there and that is the most important priority to me right now and so recognizing I only have maybe one or two holidays left with them and this is the amount of time that their health may be in a good place.

33:17So because of that, I'm going to act differently right now, intentionally. I'm going to share that with my team because I know that this will be an inflection point. This will be a change in the future that is out of my control, but I'm going to control what I can right now to make sure I don't have that regret later on. I'm really just taken by what you just said because I miss my grandparents so much and they passed away over a decade ago and my parents are getting up there in age now as well. So it's, you got to cherish every moment that you have. And what I really took away from what you just said is intention is not a wish.

33:52It's the daily discipline of aligning behavior with belief. And something that you often talk about when it comes to manifestation is intentional manifestation. How does that work in real life? Meaning how do you ground mindset work into real world? I can't even say it. How do you ground mindset work into real world action, which I think is so difficult for so many of us? So I think that there's people who are big manifestors and there's a lot of people who think that's just very woo woo. To me, why manifesting has become such an important part of my life is one, the actual neurological component of bringing something that you want to the forefront of your mind and then concentrating and focusing on that event or action or moment in time for you just will start to look at opportunities differently when you bring it to the front of your mind versus trying to shove it down in a box.

34:50That's number one. Number two is the component of acting as if. I had a few years ago, I started manifesting wanted to be a public speaker. Prior to that, I'd never spoken on any stages, but I kept saying, gosh, I really want to speak. I really want to find community on a stage and be able to share my story and then have other people share their stories with me. And I started manifesting that and I didn't know how and what form it was going to take place. But I started thinking about the feeling that I would feel when I got on stage, the fear that I would feel because I had never done it again, like my palms sweating and the lights hitting me and then getting off stage and then talking to people and them sharing their stories with me.

35:30And that was the manifestation. And that was the act as if, right? Acting as if I had gotten there, what the feeling was when I got on stage, what the feeling was when I got off. And I kept bringing that to the forefront. I would think, I kept thinking about it and talking about this manifestation. And then years later, I get this call of someone asking me to give, it was my first big speaking opportunity, a keynote speech in Dubai. And I booked a ticket and I went, I didn't even realize she had asked me to be the keynote speaker until I landed in Dubai the day before I was supposed to give this speech.

36:03I thought I was just like speaking on stage. I did not know I was headlining the conference, but it was that same thing when I got up on stage, like I felt the heat. I felt the lights. My palms were sweating. I was so nervous. I don't even know what I said during that speech. But then like when I came to, when I got off that stage and people came around and then they started sharing their stories with me, I was like, wow, this is the thought. This is what it was. And so it's being ready for the experience when it happens to you. One, you're bringing it to the forefront of your mind. And then two, you're prepared to say yes and deliver once you get there.

36:41So what do you think is the most important aspect of being a keynote speaker? How do you get the audience to really lean in on your message? I honestly think it's far less about the actual message and much more about the engagement and the enthusiasm you're able to bring to a stage. And my best keynote speeches have been where I've had very I've shared very vulnerable stories and I've leaned into the lessons that I've learned because what I realized is really it's so hard to be vulnerable. And everyone is going through something and everyone has difficult things going on. and very few people feel like they have a tribe of people who could understand them or they're siloed or they're stuck in their world the same way I was when I was going through what I was going through with my dad, where I felt like no one else would understand me.

37:32And I didn't have anyone else to talk to outside of my family. And everyone in my family was dealing with it in their own regard. Even though that experience wasn't similar to what someone else is going to, by now starting to share that and people coming up to me of, gosh, I felt this and this is the financial burden I'm taking on, or this is the fear that I have. It just breaks down walls. And I think once you're able to get people to start to think and be introspective, that is the most important part of a keynote speech. One of the people I've had on this show is Bo Eason, who's a really prominent keynote speaker.

38:08And the thing that I always take away from his advice is that people don't want to hear your success stories. They want to hear the lowest moment you've ever experienced. And he always brings up Tom Brady. It's like, people don't want to hear about the seven Super Bowls. They want to hear about the time when he almost quit football altogether because things weren't working out for him at Michigan and how he had to retrain his whole brain and his work acumen to stay in the game and recreate his vision for what the future would look like. And I think he's so right. Absolutely. Totally. Yeah. People want that confidence of, okay, you could do it, I could do it too.

38:49Or that if I could take one step away for how I could move closer or that I can implement it into my life, that's going to help me. And I believe in that app 100%. We've recently launched a speakers bureau that's part of PassionStruck called PassionStruck Speakers. And people don't come to us necessarily with, I want a leadership speaker, or I want this or that. They're more coming to us as we want a vulnerable speaker whose words matter and who's going to move our audience. And I think for a lot of event coordinators who are out there, they really need to look at that outcome that they want out of the event.

39:24How do they want people to be moved by what the speaker is saying and start there? What are your thoughts on that? I could not agree more. I went to a conference a few weeks ago and one of the women who was keynote speaking, she runs a billion dollar a year business. and I am not going to tell you today how you're going to become successful. I'm going to tell you all of the things that I need to sacrifice in order for me to become this successful. And then you could leave today deciding if you want to make those sacrifices or not. And I was like, okay, go. I'm ready to hear the story. But the room was captivated.

40:02And so many people after that were like, I don't think I want that life. I don't think I want to make those sacrifices. And it got people really thinking, but I could not agree more. I go to so many conferences and so many speaking events, and it's not how did you get all of the accolades? It's really what was the moment that broke you? And then what did you do to rebuild? And how did that shake you at your core and challenge you? And then how did you persevere? Well, thank you for sharing that, Bianca. And I know one of the things that is really important for you is building sustainable success that uplifts others.

40:39And as we talked about early on, you lead one of the most successful real estate teams in the country. But leading a team, what does teamship mean to you? And how do you focus on building a culture that stays both high-performing but deeply human at the same time? So I have never liked to work alone. I love working with people. I get my energy from other people. So that has always been my business model, will always continue to be my business model, is how do you build groups and teams and companies where people uplift one another and collaborate with each other. Even in one of the most competitive sales industries that is very cutthroat and who wants to hide their secrets and not share their playbook, that's not how I operate.

41:29I'm very much like, here is the playbook, do with it what you will and I will help you to become the best that you can be and like go spread your wings and fly and so I think coming at it one from that position initially it helps me recruit bring in a lot of great talent but the biggest thing that I've learned as I'm growing my team is that the culture and the mindset and the collaboration like that's something from within and that you can't necessarily train that. You need to have people who are excited about that prospect and who want to share and engage with other people. So maintaining culture has been very, very important.

42:08But then how do you bring it to the next level? For me, as I've continued, first of all, like I said, I started my business four years ago. Prior to that, I knew nothing about starting a company. And I'm very genuine and sincere when I say that. I always figure it all out in real time. I've been very fortunate that all of the people here with me almost all of them have been with me since day one. And so they've watched me on that journey. But the most important thing that as they've watched me on that journey is that they realize they're part of that journey and that the journey that we're building, what we're building is not just in the office.

42:39It's how do we bring it home to our families? How do we bring it home to our partners? How do we realize the way that we are showing up and what we're learning about our work styles and our communication styles and how we handle conflict? All of that could be applied to how we handle those conversations at home because we may not be able to practice all of that skills at home unless someone's giving us the tools. And so that's been very important to me for how I maintain this human component of you can, we're all cheering for each other. You could, we have to get the work done, but show up here, but be a better person at home and then come back.

43:15So again, we're not creating this. I want to clock out at five o 'clock and I want to get home. It's how do we just create this world in which family and work and life, it all operates in one synergenistic place. I love that answer. I recently had on the show Claude Silver. I'm not sure if you're familiar with Claude, but she's been working with Gary Vaynerchuk now for years and is the first chief heart officer in the world. And I love that title because during my own time working for Fortune 50 companies, I think we end up stovepiping people from the aspect of how we see them at work, not realizing or not taking into account their whole persona, like the whole person.

44:01They might be a coach. They might be having family struggles. Yes. They're a parent. All these different things that influence who they are. And I think one of the things companies got to get better at is treating people as a whole person and helping that whole person grow, which speaks to what you were just saying. Oh, I could not agree more. I could not agree more. I remember when I started my business, I started my business at the same time an eight year relationship had ended and it was, but I threw everything into the business. I was like, well, I'm married to my work now. And like, this is everything I have.

44:36And then I realized like a year and a half later, like that wasn't aspirational. Most people want to have a partner, want to have a family, want to go home to someone. And once I realized that was not just because I was showing up every single day and doing everything and working all of the time. That wasn't what 98 % of the people around me were striving towards. I wasn't speaking the same language as them. So I started to figure out how do I make Bianca a more whole person and a better that will make me a better leader. And that was huge in my business of like when I started finding hobbies and finding time to sign off and go do dancing.

45:14I love dancing. Go dancing. That made me far more interesting to the people I'm working with and around because they're like, oh, wow, you have time to be super successful and also have a life. And that's what I want. I want to go right there because people might be listening to this. And here you are, this real estate broker who's managing a 10 billion plus portfolio. You're starring on a national television show. You're an author. You're a keynote speaker. And I think a lot of people struggle with their own version of this, plus family obligations, everything else. What's your advice to listeners on how you go about protecting time, energy, and your boundaries?

46:01So one of the practices I have in my book is called a companion audit. And it actually helps reshape a lot of the relationships that you have in your life. And that was a very important practice for me, is to look at every single companion in my life, both of my parents, all of my grandparents, my siblings, my superiors at the time, all of my colleagues, my leadership team, my partner at the, sorry, at the point in time, when I originally started this, I didn't have a partner. It was the partner I wish to have someday, the kids I hope to have one day. And how do I show up in the world for them?

46:38Not who do I hope they are? That's not what the wish is, because that will continue to leave you very frustrated. How do I become the person that I need to be to have the best relationship with both myself and them. And I think that was very important because I started realizing that I needed to protect my time a little bit better. There were some people in those buckets who were draining on my energy and on my time. So how did I reprioritize and reshape my time? But the most limited thing that you have in the world is time. And so figuring out how you structure your day, discipline and organization are hard things to do, but how you figure out how to be disciplined with your time and organized with your tasks.

47:24Once you do that, you really can, you will find you really can make time for the things that are most important to you. And the things that aren't, you just have to get better at saying no to. And that's where I am right now, is how do I say no and continuing to redefine that? How do I say no to things when they just aren't serving me or they're not for right now? I love that answer, Bianca, because in my own book, Passion Struck, the third principle that I talk about to something that I term the mosquito auditor. And I feel like those companions that are out there and even the activities we do in life are like a mosquito.

48:00Sometimes those that are impacting us the most, we don't even realize the impact because it's almost invisible until it bites us. And so I call them the blood suckers, the invisible suffocators and the pain in the asses. And you need to learn how to recognize who they are because if they're allowed to infiltrate, Their bites become huge repercussions on where you're trying to take your life. Yep, totally. So my key takeaway from what you just said is that your path is not about doing more. It's about doing what matters most and doing that on purpose. Yes, exactly. I've been in the cycle of doing more and more for so long.

48:42And I realized it just becomes a chase. When you're in that cycle, it just becomes a chase because you're always going to reach the next benchmark. You're always going to want something bigger or chasing more money or this. And it doesn't end. The key is finding fulfillment. Finding fulfillment in the things that you're doing and coming to peace with where you are in your life. That is the most liberating, most incredible feeling in the world. For people today who, and I highly recommend that they buy your book, but if you were going to tease one thing out to them about mastering intentions and how this could help them close any gap that they might have in their life, what would you want to say to them?

49:22I would truly say like everything that I have shaped and built in my business and all of the most difficult periods of life and time and hard lessons that I've learned all came from practices that I do in this book. And it does not matter where you are on your journey. You have the ability to rewrite your narrative at any point in time and change the script. You just have to be wanting to do that, taking control of it, and then recognizing the hard work that it will take in order to get there. But it is truly never too late. And there never is too low of a point to be able to start over again.

50:05The power is totally in your control because it all exists in your brain right here. And I love that answer. And Bianca, what does it mean to you to live a passion struck life? Oh, gosh, I'm such a passionate person. I don't do anything without passion. Like I'm zero to 100. It's a no, or it's an all in. Yes. And I love that because living passionately and with enthusiasm and also romanticizing the small minute day-to-day tasks is what gives me life. And that's why I truly feel like even when I'm on a low point, I could come back up to a high point because I've created this muscle memory of how do you create enthusiasm and passion in the everyday occurrences because there's so much excitement and beauty around us all the time.

50:59And living with passion is such a beautiful thing. And I hope more people get to enjoy and embrace that. Awesome. Bianca, where are the best places for listeners to go to learn more about you? All too often, every single day on Instagram at Bianca D 'Alessio. I'm also very active on LinkedIn, or you could visit me on my website, BiancaD 'Alessio.com. Bianca, it was such an honor to have you today. Thank you so much for joining us on Passion Struck. Thank you for having me on. This is amazing. That's a wrap on today's incredible conversation with Bianca D 'Alessio. And I hope it left you thinking differently about your own courage, your capacity, and the story you're building day to day.

51:41Here are a few reminders worth carrying forward. First, being underestimated is not a disadvantage. It's an accelerator if you choose to see it that way. Second, feedback is information, not identity. And Bianca shows us how to use it without internalizing it. And lastly, leadership isn't about being the loudest voice in the room. it's about being the clearest. If today's episode resonated, please take a few moments and leave a five-star review in Apple or Spotify. It's the strongest way to help more people discover this work. Want to go deeper? Join me at theignitedlife.net for weekly insights.

52:14Subscribe to the PassionStruck podcast on YouTube at PassionStruck or John R. Miles, and visit startmattering.com to wear intentional reminders that reinforce your worth and spark connection. Next on PassionStruck, we shift from personal reinvention to one of the most fundamental human needs of all, connection. I'm joined by Dr. Justin Garcia, Executive Director of the Kinsey Institute and one of the world's leading experts on relationships and intimacy. We explore why human beings are biologically wired for closeness, how modern life is reshaping love and partnership, and what it means to seek connection in a world where many people feel more invisible than ever, yet less truly seen.

52:53It's a fascinating, deeply human conversation, and I can't wait to share with you. We know that the from studies of fmri brain scan of people who are recently romantically in love and people who are passionately in love, it is a very much parallel to addiction in the brain. And in fact, romantic rejection studies of people who have gone through breakups, they the brain looks remarkably like someone going through with drug withdrawal, particularly cocaine withdrawal, which helps explain why breakups can feel so intense and emotionally, physically, it's why people feel physical pain with breakups, that I'm always a little cautious of calling it an addiction, but it is very parallel to addiction.

53:30And in part because we're so used to addictions being negative and love is a positively balanced one for the most part. Until next time, remember, you may not control everything that happens to you, but you can control how you respond and who you become because of it. I'm John Miles, and you've been Passion Struck.

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54:28It feels good to GEICO.