How to Stop Living for Everyone Else and Finally Become Yourself | Spencer West - EP 784

26:03And I never wanted to be that type of speaker. And so when I went on this trip, I was like, oh, maybe it could be a speaker. And although I could tell my story, it would be in service to and on behalf of this organization that I had fallen in love with. And so then when I came back to North America, I just I applied for a job there and a few months later moved to Canada where I was only going to stay for two years and then I never left. I've since moved on from that organization. But that was the other really big time where I broke free of all of these ideals and carved my own path and went my own way.

26:36Does that answer your question? I think it does. I'm going to be vulnerable with you and lean into this a little bit because maybe it'll help one of the listeners. I do a lot of public speaking and every single time it is absolutely terrifying. And it's the largest stage I have ever been on was I did the keynote at the Dreamforce in the late 2000s, like 2009-ish, 10-ish, 11-ish timeframe. And to get up on stage and I'm out there with Mark Benioff, who's the CEO of the company, and there are 45 ,000 people out there. And we had rehearsed the day before. We had a teleprompter in front of us. And I knew Mark and I knew that he goes off the script all the time.

27:26So we didn't do anything that we had rehearsed for, nothing on the teleprompters. Oh, no. And to make it worse, Will.i.am from the Black Eyed Peas, who's a good friend of his, was in the front row doing googly things at us, trying to get us to crack up. That's not what makes it terrifying for me. What makes it terrifying for me is because of what happened to me from that head injury, oftentimes what is going on in my mind and what is coming out of my mouth are two entirely different things. And so I misspeak, I mispronounce, I still listen. And when it happens, it makes me seem sometimes like an idiot because I will say the wrong thing because what I'm thinking is the right thing.

28:10But what comes out of my mouth is completely different. Yeah. And it happens. And so now I've learned to, if it does happen, I lean into it and I say, this is why it happens. And it gets smoothed over, but you never want it to happen. And it happens sometimes without even you knowing it, it happens because you rush through the moment and don't even realize you've misspoken. Totally. So I like to speak. It's important that I speak, especially get the message out that I want to. but it's never something that I intentionally want to do. There are ways I've tried to compensate for it by taking improv classes and doing postmasters.

28:54So I'm putting myself out there and trying through just mere practicing, trying to get more comfortable that it's not going to happen. And that's what typically happens is it happens less. That's great. And I think that's good to get outside of your comfort zone. But I will say, I definitely, I've never had a fear of public speaking. I get nervous, but I'm not afraid to do it. But what I think, and I wish, it's easy for me to say. But for me, I just think when we make mistakes, like, that's the stuff that I love as an audience member. Because I'm like, oh, you're human. You're like me. And I'm like you.

29:33I just, one of those moments happened, I actually love it now. Because I'm like, oh, it gives me a chance to be like, oh, this was a mistake. All right. And then it allows people to do the same, to lean into the vulnerability of we're not going to get everything right all of the time. And if we try to move past it or pretend like it didn't happen, that's not helpful. And so what you're doing is by explaining what's happening and why it's happening. I think that's so beautiful because I think that's where connection happens because then we can see ourselves in that person. So in the book, Spencer, you talk about something called the trap.

30:04What did that look like for you personally? Yeah. Yeah, there was two things. The big one was really my job, working at the salon at the time and and being and creating this trap of my own design of, OK, well, I got a good job and it's making me lots of money. So I did the thing. So I might as well just stay here. And then that's like I said, after four years, I was like, oh, I don't want to be here anymore. This is not where I want to be. And I needed to get outside of my comfort zone and try something else. What started for me is to get out of that trap as I was living with my best friend and he was taking interior design classes at Scottsdale Community College.

30:41I was living in Phoenix at the time and I was watching how excited and passionate he was about his life. And I was like, oh, I don't feel that way at all. In fact, I'm kind of jealous. This is how you're feeling about your life when like I am miserable over here. So I started to take theater classes again because I did theater all through school. And that's initially what I wanted to do from with my life, but then realized it's probably not going to work out for me. But I started taking theater classes again. And that's how I slowly started to get out of that trap because the joy came back in my life of like, oh yeah, I forgot, there's things that I love to do.

31:17And so it was through that helped me recognize, oh, I was in this trap, in this loop that I no longer want to be in. And the first step to get out of that was to find something that I loved to do that brought me that joy, which then made me realize, oh, I want more of this joy. I want to keep feeling this way, which then ultimately led me to go to East Africa. So yeah, the track was something that I created myself and then had to figure out how to get myself out of. And for someone who's listening right now, how would they recognize that they're in that track? Yeah, I think there's a couple things.

31:49It's to really take a look at where am I at right now? What am I, am I feeling happy about everything in my life? Are there areas of my life that bring me joy or are there areas of life that I'm like, wow, I'm really struggling with this specific area. Again, maybe it's where you live, maybe it's a relationship, whatever that might be. And then really looking at where do I want to be? Like, where do I want to go? And then we can ask ourselves some questions of, am I showing up as my full self all the time? Are there parts of myself that I'm hiding? If so, why? Start to answer some of these questions.

32:26And that's what I did in the book, which I might have mentioned earlier, is at the end of every chapter, I've given people questions and exercises and different perspectives to think about in hopes to help them figure these answers out for themselves as well, like I did. So two of the central questions that I liked from the book are, why am I here and where do I want to be in the future? Yeah. And I think it's really important that we're discussing this. I'm not sure if you've ever heard of Tom Gilovich, who's a professor at Cornell University or his research, but - Oh, please tell me. So he has really been studying, among other things, regrets that people have.

33:06And he has spoken to thousands of people who are in their third trimester of life. And 76 % of them have the same regret. And it's not living their ideal life. And it's interesting because as I've talked to hospice nurses, Ronnie Ware being one of them, who wrote the book, Five Sayings of the Dying, I can't remember the book. I should. Brain fart. But she mentions the same thing in a different way. But what's interesting to me is it's the same exact thing from observing this with people in the actual experience of going through that phase and someone who's looking at it through a scientific lens.

33:49But if that's 76 % of us, that's a ton of people who still have a child inside of them who had this dream when they were younger, like you did of being an actor. In many ways, they're still dreaming those dreams, but they're letting them just die on the vein until it's too late to do something about it. And to me, that's really sad. And it's one of the main reasons that I'm motivated to do this podcast and other things, because I think that is one of the reasons that is leading so many people to feel the way that we are in society today. And to me, a lot of this gets back to, I recently did this solo episode about the Truman Show.

34:37And when people see that movie, a lot of people gravitate to the end of the movie when he is sailing in the storm and he runs into the side of the sphere, and then he walks out and does the bow. But what I really concentrated on was the spotlight coming. When a spotlight falls from the sky and he's what in the world is going on, but everyone around him is acting like life is completely normal. And I think we all have spotlight moments like that. And some are more visible than others, but it's really about activation. And when that spotlight happens, how do you stop waiting for permission for you to do something different with your life and identify how to take that next step?

35:23what do you advise people to do when that spotlight hits yeah it's so funny that's literally the name of one of my chapters is find your spotlight no that's why i used it i figured yeah from like i said for me it was like taking that theater class and remembering how much joy it brought me and not that i was doing it for a job but just that it gave me that simple sense of pleasure which then brought more pleasure into my life and then wanted me it forced me to start seeking more of that in other areas of my life. It's like, oh, this is making me feel good. I should find a job that makes me feel good.

35:59So I think it's like doing those small things. Now, you don't have to go to East Africa and you don't have to necessarily take an acting class, but maybe you're like, I'm gonna try a yoga class and see if that works out for me, see how that feels. Something that I recently started doing, I still do this in my own life all the time. I started learning how to sew with a sewing machine. There's a great little place near where I live in the city here in Toronto where they do like adult sewing classes where you learn how to make a tote bag and learn how to use a pattern. So just like getting out there and doing some things that you used to love to do or currently love to do and just making space and time for those things.

36:31Another example to just even simplify it even further. And when I was in therapy, my therapist was like, what do you like to do in your spare time? And I was like, I don't know. My life is my work and my work is my life. I don't know. And she was like, I think you really need to foster a sense of play here. And one of the things that I realized that I love to do is put together Lego. And so even it's just simple as carving out an hour for yourself to put Lego together. That's what sort of helps you find your own spotlight. It doesn't necessarily mean on a stage, but it means what's something that you just love to do that you want to do.

37:01And I think that's what helps us aid towards looking at like, how do I bring all of these aspects into my life so that I'm feeling joy everywhere? It's funny. The name of this podcast, obviously, is Passion Struck. and I wrote a book of the same name. And I started to realize on Amazon when I was getting some reviews for it that weren't very kind, that these people for whatever reason were targeting the book and had never read it when they were talking about that it was about passion and relationships and how it dies and how the book wasn't delivering on that promise. Okay. But I'm going into this because one of the key areas you focus on in the book is going from passion to purpose, which is really a lot of what the term passion struck is about.

37:51For you, when you hear those words, passion struck, what does it mean for you to live a passion struck life? Yeah, I think for me is whenever possible, I want to do things that I feel passionate about. I want to spend my time doing things that bring me joy, that bring me light and love. and excitement and then to take that further and then to also have some sort of purpose to it but there are passions that we do as I mentioned like Lego and sewing which are just for me but Kilimanjaro was an example of that I had this passion of this organization that I was working for and I was traveling 200 days out of the year as a speaker which was great and also grueling man I was telling audiences that you need to get involved with the things you're passionate about you need to run campaigns whether that's fundraising or awareness but I was just talking about it and I'd never actually done it myself.

38:44And then I wasn't getting time with my friends and family because I was traveling so much. And that's what I learned was so paramount to recharging my batteries. And so I'd been speaking for so long that had become my passion, but there was no purpose to it anymore. It was just a job. And so that's when I decided to climb Mount Kilimanjaro. And it wasn't just to climb the mountain. So many disabled people have climbed the mountain before me and so many have climbed after me. That was old news to me. But I wanted to raise a half a million dollars for clean water in East Africa. And I wanted that passion to translate into a purpose.

39:14So it wasn't just living for myself, that I could translate that to other things as well. So yeah, so passion struck for me is that idea of everything that I do, I want to have some sort of passion in it and hopefully have some joy and then translate that into some sort of purpose. The same reason why I use social media. I use social media because I want attention. I use social media because I want to educate folks on the intersectionality of my identities and what that looks like. So yes, we can have some fun and make some jokes and do some fun things every now and then, but also there needs to be a purpose to it.

39:43And I think that's what really helps us break free from all the things that we're trying to break free from is when we move from passion to purpose. Yeah. And in the book you write, when you were in Kenya, I found the link between what I love to do and what I felt called to do. And that was to combine my love of performance through public speaking with the power of my own disability. And I think that is something we don't realize. It's we have superpowers, but sometimes I don't think we see the superpower in the same way that other people might see it. A lot of people would think, my disability, how could that ever be my superpower?

40:20And for you, you double down upon it. Why do you think that's something we tend to ignore, not to double down on something that other people see as a weakness. But we, if we really looked at it, would see it as a core strength that we have. I think for me, it was like, because people were always singling me out from physically looking different all the time, every day. I was like, I just want to fit in. I just want to feel normal, so to speak. But now as I've gotten older and heights, I'm like, oh, like that's not what I want what makes me I want to say this I think for me what I realized is the beauty is in the difference it's not in if we all looked the same and we were all doing the same thing and all speaking the same way and dressing the same way life would be so boring but that felt so safe at the time because I didn't want to be singled out because people were doing it anyway but then when I was like oh if I take control of the narrative if I'm the one that is leaning into this identity, then that feels better for me.

41:25And every time that I did the opposite of what I thought I should do is where all of the magic lived. You know what I mean? So leaning into my disability suddenly was like, oh, everything started to work out for me when it wasn't working out before. So the part just felt really important to me. But I think it was because before that, I just wanted to fit in, not realizing that was actually not helpful for me. Spencer there's a part in the book that gotta get you to tell this story so I was never fortunate enough to meet General Norman Schwarzkopf but I actually know his daughter who lives here and you write that he gave you a spirit of courage award but can you go through the background of this and what happened because I thought it was pretty interesting event totally So growing up in Wyoming, my dad and his dad and his brothers are very much men who like to hunt and to fish.

42:22And they're very passionate about it. And that's a lot of their identity, which I have such appreciation for. But they wanted me, my dad wanted me as his only son, to be that person too. And I just really wasn't. When I was 16, my grandfather always wanted to take me hunting in South Africa. And I just, I never liked the idea of it. It was so uncomfortable for me. I don't feel like I should have that much power over another living being. But I was like, all right, I'll go because it's like he's been talking about it forever. And I might as well try. And so we went and we went hunting and we did all the things.

42:56And I didn't really like that aspect of it, but I liked being in South Africa. And then when I came home, the Safari Club International, which is a whole other story for another day. But they wanted to give me this award called the Spirit of Courage Award for going hunting. in South Africa. And General Norman Schwarzkopf was going to present the award. And at the time, George Bush was the president, the first George Bush senior. And he was also there. And so I went and accepted this award. But in my mind, I was like, this feels so silly. This disabled person went hunting and now you're honoring me for you're giving me an award.

43:29He didn't take courage. The thing that took courage is wanting to hang out with my grandfather, my dad and build things. That was terrible. That's what took me courage. So there's just this weird thing about disabled people and doing normal things that are celebrated for. And it's like, I'm just living my life. But it was such a weird thing that I never quite understood. I have to ask, Spencer, what does it mean to become the Cairn for others? I mean, maybe I'm mispronouncing the name. No, that's right. So first, just context. Cairn, I learned when I was on Kilimanjaro. So one of the days, my buddies and I were really struggling.

44:02Altitude was affecting us. And we back and forth because we hadn't slept well and we'd noticed that there was like these intentional piles of rocks along the route at Kilimanjaro and when we were struggling our guide just said guys let's take a break and he's let's talk about what these are and then he told us he's like these are Karens and a Karen is a symbol for when you're lost it shows where the path is again both physically and emotionally and spiritually and that was like it was like a big moment for all of us to remember A, why we're there. But for me, it was also a bit of validation. Oh, I think that's part of my job here.

44:38This life that I have right now is to be that sort of caring for other folks to be like, hey, I figured a few things out. So follow me over here. And I've got a few answers. And we all have the capacity to be that for other people. This is not just something that I can do because I've written a book or I've gone on tour with Demo Lovato. This is something we all have the capacity to do you do with your podcast is just giving folks an example of what life could look like and then daring them to keep walking on the path to create that for themselves and then vice versa. But I think it's important for us to recognize that we all have that power to be able to do so and to lean into that whenever possible.

45:15I think it's a powerful symbol and I always like acronyms and symbols because I think they help you to at least help me to remember things. I always try to create an acronym for everything and then link it to something that I can visually remember, especially when I'm doing public speaking, because that's what helps me keep the order of things in place. I did want to take an opportunity to go outside the book for a second. Given that you are such a prolific public speaker, and I know that's something that either members of the audience are aspiring to be more of, or maybe it's something that scares people half to death.

45:55What have you found are some of the keys that have made you such a success in this space? I had a really great mentor who was although was a bit harsh and I wish maybe he could have been a bit softer was so helpful in helping me understand how to be a good speaker and I'll never forget he was so lovely to work with me every Sunday in the office I would present my speech and then he would give me feedback I remember the first time that I presented a speech at the end he was like Spencer I have my legs why should I care about this and that was the first time that I learned one of the most important rules of, and what I think is the most important to be being a really great speaker is to know your audience.

46:37And by knowing your audience, how can you relate your story to them? Because if you're just going to get up there and tell your story, that's nice. And people might be inspired by that, but then they're going to go home and that's kind of going to be it. And so he really helped me understand how to tell his story. So although I'm telling you how I lost my legs, at the end of the story, I usually will bring it back to the audience and help them understand how, what that means to them or for them or what that looks like. So I think it's really understanding your audience and knowing that anytime you're going to tell a story, how is it relating to them or how can you relate it to them?

47:16And I think for me, that has been the key to my success. The other thing that I would say is I, for so long, I was like a youth speaker because I was in my mid to late 20s when I started speaking professionally. So I was speaking to a lot of schools and a lot of middle school, high school and university students. And then they were like, we want you to maybe transition into corporate speaking. Would you be interested in that? And I was like, okay. And tried to write this corporate speech, tried to read a bunch of books on business and tried on, that wasn't my degree. I studied communication, not business.

47:46And then I had another mentor who sat me down and he was like, you don't need to understand anything about business. He was like, your job is to share lessons that you've learned. So he was like, tell me a couple of stories that you love to tell or stories that people never heard before. And he helped me understand that, oh, there's a lesson here for corporate people. I'll give an example. And one of them is I talk about my speech is the importance of asking for help. And I talk about climbing Kilimanjaro and how friends needed my help at the end. I needed their help at the beginning. But then I related back to the audience and this idea that depending on the audience.

48:17It's like, if you work in HR, your job is to help folks navigate the company and all the things that come along with that. Or if you're a teacher, your job is to help students get the knowledge they need to and go be whatever they want to be out in the world. And so although my story is about Kilimanjaro, the lesson is we all have the capacity to ask for help and should. So I think it's those two things, know your audience and how can you relate to what you're talking about to the audience so it's not just you telling your story. When you do your public speeches, do you invite a Q &A or typically not?

48:49Always. I love a Q &A. And that's actually one of the ways that I learned that my speaking wasn't effective in the beginning because I would give this great speech. And then at the end, undoubtedly someone raised their hand and want to know what happened to your legs. Because I wasn't really telling that part of the story. And it was like, oh my God, they've heard nothing. That's the thing that they've been thinking about this whole time is like, where are your legs? So I like Q &A because it gives you a chance to expand on what you've talked about. But B, sometimes it's also helpful to get some feedback in, oh, what are people listening to?

49:21What did they hear? What did they pick up? And are these things that I should lean into more or things that maybe I shouldn't lean into? So I love a good Q &A. What's one of the most bizarre Q &A questions you've ever gotten?

49:37This wasn't necessarily a question, but I remember I had a speech where I talk about leveraging talent with disabilities and the importance of hiring disabled folks and I break down some of the myths of why what stops employers from hiring folks like myself and then I was talking about how we can all be allies and what we can do for the disability community and then I was in a city where it was like snowing that day and I'll never forget one of the guys who worked for the city who runs one of the snow plows is like this is all great but I'm just telling you that I'm not going to be able to have the sidewalk plowed by the time you leave sorry I can't be an ally and so it's that I remember that thinking that was so funny and that he was just being honest and vulnerable in that moment.

50:13And then one time years ago, I had a high school student raise their hand and be like, do you wear boxers or briefs? So I've had a whole slew of odd and funny questions over the years, but those are the two that come to mind currently. Yeah, because I've recently published this children's book, I've been now talking to a lot of elementary students and I will tell you, they ask some of the most profound and unexpected questions you will ever not be prepared for in your life. Totally, totally. And it's such a spectrum, right? Because sometimes it's this really deep question that you're like, how does your little brain, your little body know to think these things?

50:49And then other times it's like, what's your favorite dinosaur? Yes. Yes. And I've gotten both of those full spectrums of questions. Totally. Spencer, I always like to end these episodes by giving the listeners some homework. If someone's listening and they feel right now like their life doesn't just quite fit, what's one step that they could take today to help them break free and start living the life that they want to? I think there's two things. I think you mentioned it earlier, asking yourself the question, why am I here? And really leaning into that and stop worrying about what life is and start wondering what it could be.

51:32I think those are the two things that, you know, as when I was writing this book that really resonated and that I hope people will pick up on is to really just pause and take a look around you and why am I here and what do I want? And then having that ability to wonder what could be. Because part of the framework also for this book is this idea that we have to have self-trust and self-confidence. The self-trust to be able to listen to what's and hear and what we want and the self-confidence to believe that you can actually achieve whatever that is. And so to do that, I think we have to start with those questions.

52:08Awesome. Spencer, for people who want to learn more about you, where's the best place for them to go? You can find me on social media, on Instagram and TikTok and YouTube at Spencer, the number to the West. So Spencer to the West. And then I've got a website, which is west.com. And if you're not familiar with Spencer's accounts, you definitely want to check them out. You are quite the hit on social media. So congratulations to you on that success. And thank you so much for joining me on Passion. It's my pleasure, John. And thank you for all the kindness and caring that you put into today. It was very much appreciated and noticed.

52:43That brings us to the end of today's conversation with Spencer West. And what I hope stays with you is this. The greatest limitations in our lives are often not physical. They're psychological. They're the expectations we've inherited. the identities we've accepted, the stories we've repeated so often that they begin to feel like the truth. Spencer reminds us that flourishing doesn't begin when our circumstances change. It begins when we stop living someone else's definition of success and begin trusting our own voice. Authenticity isn't something we discover, it's something we uncover. It's what remains after we've stripped away everything that never truly belonged to us.

53:23As we continue the Connection Crisis series, we'll be joined by Adrian Gostick. For decades, Adrian has studied one of the most overlooked drivers of human connection, the simple but profound experience of feeling seen, valued, and appreciated. Together, we'll explore why so many workplaces unintentionally create cultures of fear instead of trust, why recognition is far more powerful than rewards, and what every leader can do to help people feel that they truly matter. because whether we're talking about families, friendships, or organizations, people flourish where they believe they are valued.

53:59We're all living right now in these uncertain worlds, and you can't take that away from people. You can't make the world this simple, easy-to-understand place anymore. We're living in VUCA, right? Volatility, uncertainty, complexity, ambiguity. That's our borderline place right now. That's the baseline. And so with that, though, you don't have to amp things up. You don't have to create more pressure. I was in one big Fortune 500, big brand, and one of the employees told me, he says, working here, he says, they have this description that a gun is placed in your back when you start and the trigger is pulled.

54:35If you stop sprinting, the bullet will get you. If today's conversation challenged the way you think about identity, please share it with someone who may need the reminder that they don't have to keep living someone else's story. You can find today's companion workbook and additional resources at theignitedlife.net. Check us out on YouTube. And until next time, remember this. The life you were meant to live doesn't begin when you become someone else. It begins when you finally have the courage to become yourself. I'm John Miles, and you've been PassionStruck.