Mattering in Love: Stop Settling—Choose Love That Sees You (Part 1) EP 576

0:00Coming up next on PassionStruck. What if I told you that the biggest reason people stay in unfulfilling relationships isn't love, it's self-worth? That most people aren't actually choosing love, they're just trying not to be alone. The truth is, the way you experience love is a direct reflection of what you believe you deserve. And if you keep attracting people who don't show up for you, if you feel like you have to convince someone to choose you, then it's time to shift your mindset. In this episode, on breaking down the mattering mindset in love, how to stop settling, start building better relationships, and finally feel seen, valued, and chosen.

0:41Because love isn't something you earn, it's something you build with the right person. Ready to change the way you love? Let's dive in. Welcome to Passion Struck. Hi, I'm your host, John R. Miles, and on the show, we decipher the secrets, tips, and guidance of the world's most inspiring people and turn their wisdom into practical advice for you and those around you. Our mission is to help you unlock the power of intentionality so that you can become the best version of yourself. If you're new to the show, I offer advice and answer listener questions on Fridays. We have long-form interviews the rest of the week with guests ranging from astronauts to authors, CEOs, creators, innovators, scientists, military leaders, visionaries, and athletes.

1:28Now, let's go out there and become PassionStruck.

1:58how art can be a vehicle for self-discovery. Then on Thursday, Dr. Scott Scherr joined me to explore cutting-edge science and longevity in peak performance, sharing how Gabbo, one of the most misunderstood neurotransmitters, is changing the game in human optimization. And today, we're shifting the focus again, because what if the missing piece in your life isn't just about personal success or growth, but about the way you approach love? Let me ask you something. Have you ever stayed in a relationship that made you feel invisible? Have you ever chased someone who never really chose you? Have you ever convinced yourself that a situation was more than it actually was?

2:38Just because you didn't want to admit the truth. Here's the hard reality. So many people settle for relationships that leave them feeling unfulfilled, undervalued, and unseen. And it's not because they want to settle. It's not because they don't want a great relationship. It's because they don't believe they matter. And when you don't believe you matter, when you don't believe you're worthy of the love you actually want, this is what happens. You settle. You chase people who don't choose you. You stay in situations that don't serve you. And that changes today. Because love isn't a game. You're not here to win someone over.

3:17You're here to choose the right love, one micro decision at a time. And that's exactly what we're diving into in this two-part episode on the mattering mindset in love. Today in part one, we're laying the foundation for everything that follows. We'll cover why mattering comes first, how it sets the foundation for love. Second, we'll go into the choice to show up as your full self instead of shrinking to fit someone else's expectations. And then third, I'll discuss how to know if you're chasing the wrong person and what to do about it. Then next week in part two, we'll go even deeper, tackling the commitment conversation.

3:57Are you being chosen or are you just hoping to be? We'll discuss the mattering mindset in love, how to build a relationship that lasts. And lastly, we'll dive into the four dimensions of mattering in love, the framework that helps you assess and create deeper, more meaningful connections. So if you've ever wondered, why do I keep attracting people who don't show up for me? Why do I feel like I have to convince someone to love me? And how do I stop chasing the wrong person and start attracting the right one? Then get ready because we're diving deep into the mattering mindset in love, a framework that will help you break the cycle of unhealthy relationships.

4:36Stop chasing love that doesn't serve you and start building connections where you feel seen, valued, and chosen. And it all starts with the most important relationship in your life, the one that you have with yourself. Before we dive in, if you're new here, welcome to PassionStruck. This platform is more than just a podcast, it's a movement. With over 570 episodes, we have built a global community dedicated to unlocking human flourishing. And I know it can be overwhelming to know where to start. So that's why we've created episode starter packs, curated playlists on topics like relationships, mindset, and personal mastery.

5:14You can find them at passionstruck.com slash starter packs or on Spotify. Want even more? Subscribe to my Live Intentionally newsletter at passionstruck.com for exclusive insights, challenges, as well as insights you won't get anywhere else. And don't forget to subscribe to our YouTube channel so you can watch what you learn. So are you ready? Let's go. Thank you for choosing Passion Struck and choosing me to be your host and guide on your journey to creating an intentional life. Now, let that journey begin.

5:49Let me tell you a story. A number of years ago, before I met my wife, I started dating this woman. Let's call her Carly. She was beautiful, intelligent, and seemed really into me. From the outside, it looked like a perfect match. We both loved working out, hiking, biking, going to hockey games, sailing, live music, you name it. It felt like we were aligned in every way. At first, things were great. We had amazing conversations, shared passions, and real chemistry. But then, something started to feel off. I noticed I was always the one reaching out. If I didn't initiate plans, we didn't see each other.

6:27She would be fully present when we were together, but then she'd disappear for days. I started to feel like I was chasing her. Have you ever been there where you feel like you're the only one holding the relationship together? It's exhausting. I ignored the red flags at first. I convinced myself she was just busy. I told myself that maybe she just needed time, that if I was patient, if I showed her how much I cared, she would realize I was worth choosing. But here's what I wasn't realizing. I was choosing her instead of choosing myself. I was making excuses for behavior that made me feel invisible.

7:05I was investing in a relationship that wasn't investing back in me. And let me tell you, the moment I finally saw it, everything changed. Because love, love is not something you have to earn. It's something you choose. And the moment you realize that, you stop settling for people who don't choose you back. So let's get real. The way you experience love, who you attract, who you tolerate, and how you will feel in relationships has nothing to do with luck. It has everything to do with your self-worth. And here's the truth. Mattering is the antidote to scarcity in love. But most people don't approach dating from a place of abundance.

7:44They approach it from a place of fear. Fear of being alone. Fear of not being chosen. Fear that love will never happen for them. And when fear is driving your love, here's what happens. You settle. You chase people who don't choose you. You stay in relationships that make you feel small instead of seen. Sound familiar? You're not alone. But that changes today. And the first choice you need to make is believing you matter. Because when you don't believe you matter, you end up tolerating love that makes you feel invisible. You convince yourself a relationship is more serious than it actually is.

8:22You hold on to hope that someone will change instead of accepting who they actually are. You stay way too long, like I did, waiting for validation, instead of walking away and choosing yourself. And this needs to stop now, because real love, healthy love, doesn't feel like a test. It feels like alignment. The level of self-worth you carry dictates the kind of relationships you attract and tolerate. Period. Let's break it down. If you don't believe you matter, you'll accept relationships that make you feel invisible. If you fear being alone, you'll tolerate mixed signals and emotional breadcrumbs.

9:01If you think love is something you have to earn, you'll stay in dynamics where you're constantly proving your worth instead of receiving love freely. But here's the flip side. When you know you matter, you date differently. You choose relationships with confidence instead of chasing validation. You stop trying to fix people or convince them to love you. You recognize that real love doesn't feel like a test you have to pass. It feels like alignment that naturally exists. So here's a key question you need to ask yourself. Do I feel like I have to earn love or do I believe I deserve it? Because the love you accept is a direct reflection of the love that you believe you deserve.

9:42So why do so many people settle for less than they deserve? This isn't just about dating the wrong people. It's about what you've been conditioned to believe about love. Your expectations for relationships were shaped by your past relationships. And in them, were you constantly overlooked? Did love feel conditional? It's shaped by your childhood experiences. And in them, did you feel like you had to earn attention from caregivers? It's shaped by societal messaging. I wonder if you've ever been told that finding someone is the goal instead of finding the right someone. I recently interviewed Tasha Yurik, one of the world's leading experts on self-awareness, and she said something that hit me hard.

10:22When we act based on what truly matters to us, we're more engaged, creative, and fulfilled, and can be of greater service to others. And that applies to love too. If you don't know what truly matters to you, how can you choose the right partner? You can't. You'll default to chasing approval instead of choosing from self-worth. Tasha's research shows that most people are out of touch with how their past influences their present choices. And this is especially true in relationships. We fall into patterns. We accept behaviors that feel normal, even if they don't feel good. But here's the wake-up call.

10:59If you've ever stayed in a relationship that wasn't serving you, it's not because you didn't see the red flags. It's because you were afraid to walk away. You didn't trust that something better was out there for you. But guess what? It is. And it starts with choosing yourself first. So if you're stuck in a cycle of chasing love instead of choosing it, here's a small shift to start today. Write down three qualities that make you a great partner. If this is hard for you, ask yourself why. Do you believe you bring something valuable to a relationship? or are you still waiting for someone else to tell you that you're worth loving?

11:38This exercise isn't about ego. It's about recognizing your own value before expecting someone else to. So now I want to talk about the micro gains to build this mindset. The way out of scarcity mindset and love isn't one big realization. It's a series of small intentional choices that shift how you see yourself and your relationships. Try these. Do a self-worth audit and ask yourself, would I want to date me? If the answer is no, what needs to change? Second, identify your past relationship wounds. Things like rejection, abandonment, betrayal. And notice how they're shaping your choices today.

12:16And then shift your focus from do they like me to do I like how I feel around them? That one will change your entire approach to dating. So let's do a check-in on scarcity versus abundance in love. Scarcity mindset in love sounds like this. I hope they choose me. I don't want to be alone. I'll take what I can get. While abundance mindset in love sounds like this. I deserve to be with someone who values me. I trust that the right love will find me when I show up as my full self. If this isn't right, I'm strong enough to walk away. So ask yourself, am I dating from the fear of being alone, in other words, scarcity, or confidence in my worth, abundance?

13:00Because here's the truth. The love that you want starts with you. And the moment you start believing that, everything changes. So let's now go into the choice to show up as your full self. Let's be honest. Dating today feels like a competition. Who gets the most likes? Who gets the most swipes? who's following the right dating strategies. Apps, social media, and modern dating culture have turned finding love into a numbers game. It's no longer about connection. It's about performance. And that is exhausting. But here's the truth. Love isn't something you win. It's something you build. But when you treat dating like a competition, when you focus on being chosen instead of being known, you set yourself up for relationships where you're constantly proving your worth.

13:49instead of just being yourself. This brings us to the fallacy of dating rules and game playing. So let me ask you something. Have you ever waited to text someone back because you didn't want to seem too eager? Have you ever played it cool, even when you wanted to be honest about your feelings? Or have you ever been on a date and said what you thought the other person wanted to hear instead of what was actually on your mind? If you're nodding right now, you're not alone. Dating rules and strategies are everywhere. How to get someone to like you. How to make them chase you. How to win their attention.

14:25Here's the problem. These strategies aren't about creating meaningful relationships. They're about controlling perception. You know what that does? It attracts people who are only interested in the version of you that you're performing, not the real you. And that is a fast track to relationships that feel shallow, disconnected, and frustrating. Authenticity should be the strategy, not the tactic. I talked about this with John Kim and Vanessa Bennett in episode 230, two incredible relationship therapists who co-authored It's Not Me, It's You. John, known as the angry therapist, and Vanessa, a licensed therapist and relationship expert, coach people through some of the hardest relationship challenges.

15:10And one thing they both emphasized, the most common mistake people make in dating is trying to be liked instead of trying to be known. Vanessa put it perfectly. She told me I had gotten to a place where I said, I'm not going to date anybody anymore unless they're on the same page with me. And I remember my mom saying, Vanessa, you're really starting to limit your dating pool. And I was like, I don't care. I'd rather be single. That's the shift from chasing approval to choosing alignment. And then John shared how people put way too much weight on chemistry and attraction instead of emotional safety, communication, and self-awareness.

15:50He told me, if you don't have people doing this, the relationship can be very surface level, but eventually, over time, the plane goes down. In other words, if you're not showing up as your full self, the relationship is going to eventually crash. Let that sink in. Love isn't about how well you impress someone. It's about how well you can be yourself with them. So let me ask you, how often do you find yourself adjusting to impress someone? When was the last time that you worried about being too much or too different instead of just being yourself? And have you ever convinced yourself to follow some dating rule even when it didn't feel right.

16:31Because the love you want won't come from playing a role. It comes from showing up fully as yourself and trusting that the right person will meet you at your level. A lot of dating advice out there is focused on securing attention instead of building real compatibility. Don't text back right away. Make them chase you. Wait three days before following up. I'm calling BS on all of it. Because the right person will be drawn to your full self, not a version of you designed to be liked. The moment you shift from trying to be liked to trying to be known, your entire dating experience will change. Vanessa described it as knowing when she first came across John's Instagram.

17:13She told her friend, I'm going to date this guy. And even though she didn't know if it would last forever, she knew she had to explore it. Contrast that with how so many people approach dating today, waiting for someone else to pick them instead of trusting their own instincts and choosing for themselves. And this is key. Every choice you make in dating either builds towards or away from love that matters. And the biggest mistake people make, they choose partners from self-doubt instead of self-worth. They chase attention instead of connection. They adjust themselves instead of standing in who they really are.

17:52They tolerate inconsistency instead of recognizing their value. And here's the truth. The more you filter, edit, and shrink yourself to fit someone else's expectations, the more disconnected you become from the love that's actually right for you. So if you want to attract the right relationship, you have to start by showing up fully as yourself. This starts with the shift from dating to be liked to dating to be known. When you stop trying to win someone over, you open yourself up to real connection. Then you need to ask yourself, am I adjusting to impress them or am I showing up as my real self?

18:30If you're editing yourself, pause. If you're constantly questioning whether you should say something, that's a sign you're not being full of you. And then set one boundary early and observe their reaction. Maybe it's about how often you communicate. Maybe it's about how fast the relationship moves. The right person will respect it. The wrong person will push back. And this brings us back to Vanessa and John, who went on a trip to Costa Rica together. And while they were there, Vanessa could feel John pulling away. Instead of chasing or trying to make him like her, she made a powerful decision.

19:03She told him, I know I'm awesome, and I know what I bring to the table. If you don't want it, that's fine. But I need to know, that's what mattering in love looks like. Choosing yourself instead of trying to convince someone else to. So the next time you catch yourself overanalyzing a text or delaying your response to play it cool, do this instead. Respond in a way that feels natural. Don't edit, don't strategize, just be real. Because if someone is only interested in you when you're performing, they are not the right person. So think about it. If you weren't afraid of losing someone, how would you really act?

19:43Would you set stronger boundaries? Would you express your needs instead of suppressing them? Would you stop shrinking yourself to fit someone else's preferences? Because here's the thing. When you truly believe you matter, you don't play games. You don't beg for attention. You don't overthink every interaction. You show up as your full self and trust that the right person will meet you at your level. And that's how you stop chasing love and start choosing it. So now I want to discuss how to know if you're chasing the wrong person. This all comes down to the question, are you in love with who they are or who you hope they'll become?

20:19Some people stay in dead-end relationships, not because of who their partner is, but because of who they believe they could be. This is something Dr. Marissa Franco, one of the world's leading experts in human connection, a New York Times bestselling author, psychologist, and TED speaker, shared with me on Passion Struck in episode 207. Dr. Franco has spent years studying the psychology of relationships and attachment, translating complex research into actionable insights that help people transform their connections. She told me that one of the biggest relationship traps is falling for potential, staying in relationships based on hope rather than reality.

20:57After experiencing heartbreak in her 20s, she realized she had internalized the belief that romantic love was the ultimate form of love, the only kind that defined her worth. But through healing and research, she came to a profound realization. She told me, I always felt like romantic love was the love that made me worthy, that it was the only love that was legitimate, and that there was no love in my life without romantic love. But when I looked around, I had a beautiful community, and I was discounting the importance of that. And that is exactly how so many people fall into the illusion of potential.

21:32They fixate on the idea of what their relationship could be instead of looking at what it actually is. They ignore red flags because they believe the other person will change. They justify inconsistency because the good moments feel so incredible. They stay because they're afraid of what love means without romance. So here's a reality check. If you constantly feel anxious, unseen and undervalued, then who they could be doesn't matter. You're not dating their potential. You are dating who they are right now. So how do you know if you're in a one-sided relationship? Dr. Franco's research in our conversation point to key patterns that indicate you're giving more than you're receiving.

22:14The first pattern is you justify their lack of effort. They're just busy. They're not good at expressing their feelings. They're not emotionally available right now, but I know that they care. The truth is, if someone values you, they make time, period. The second pattern is that you're always uncertain about where you stand. You overanalyze their text. You rationalize why they disappear for days. You feel more confused than confident about their relationship. And here's the truth. Love doesn't live in uncertainty. If you don't know where you stand, you already have your answer. And then here's a pattern I love.

22:50When you ask for clarity, they deflect or distance themselves. They tell you, let's not put a label on this. They say they care, but don't follow through with actions. They pull away when you bring up commitment. And here's the truth. If they wanted to be with you, they would make it clear. And if they don't, they are not your person. As Dr. Franco emphasized, when you assume someone will change, you're not in a relationship. You're in a hope project. And hope isn't love. Hope is what keeps you attached to something that isn't working. If someone truly wants you in their life, you won't have to guess.

23:25And let me say that again, because it's so important. If someone truly wants you in their life, you won't have to guess. Dr. Franco explained that when people believe in potential rather than reality, they overlook crucial signs. Her advice? Look for consistency over time. She told me, effort doesn't always equal interest. You may be putting in energy, but if it's one-sided, It's not a relationship. It's a hope project. That's why the best test isn't how much someone shows up when it's easy. It's how they show up when it's inconvenient. So here's a key question. If nothing changed about this person, would I still choose this relationship?

24:05Because if you're waiting for them to change, you're not in love. You're in a hope project. So if you're unsure about where you stand in a relationship, do this. Stop listening to their words and start watching their patterns. As John Kim shared in our conversation, one of the biggest relationship pitfalls is not recognizing red flags early on. He told me without self-awareness, people just go through the motions in relationships, ignoring what's really happening. They end up holding on to something that's not actually working because they're afraid of being alone. So ask yourself, how do they treat you when they don't need something from you?

24:43Do they only show up when it's convenient? Are their actions consistent or do they come and go? And here's a key question you need to ask yourself. If nothing changed about this person, would I still choose this relationship? And then the last thing I want you to think about is would I accept this level of effort from a friend? If a friend ignored your text, flaked on plans, or only reached out when they needed something, would you put up with it? If not, why do you accept it from a romantic partner? This is where self-worth comes in. Because when you believe you matter, you don't tolerate relationships where you feel like an option.

25:19And here's a truth bomb. Effort does not equal interest. Consistency does. And if they're not showing up consistently, you have your answer. So I want you to take five minutes today and write down patterns in your past relationships. What traits keep showing up? Are you actively choosing your partners or are they just happening to you? Do you feel like you have to earn their attention or do they make an effort on their own? The goal, spot the patterns so you can break them. So I'm going to end this section by giving you a few micro gains to stop chasing the wrong people. First, notice when you're waiting for them to change.