Dr. Becky: Raising Resilient Kids in an Overwhelming World

22:29Becky Kennedy:And I think, you know, one of the things we hear from our Good Inside members all the time is, you know, and I do a lot of these interviews myself because I love the transformation. As a clinical psychologist, that's what I'm in the business of. It's not parenting advice. It's not tips. It's not hacks. We have all that. Yeah. But honestly, it's transformation. And it's really interesting, Maria. I hear so many versions of the same story. Oh, I've been a member for nine months. Okay. Tell me about the change. You know, I asked for a promotion at work for the first time. I'm like, okay, tell me more change, you know?

23:00Becky Kennedy:Well, for years, my college friends would go on a yearly trip. And honestly, I didn't go because my husband would often say something like, oh, I have to be with my kids. Such a busy time of year. Such a I felt so guilty. And so I didn't go. And it's through Good Inside I realized, hold on a second. Those are his feelings, not mine. Our relationship is strong enough for me to go away with my friends, him to be annoyed. And we'll come back and work through it. And it's interesting because I'll often say in these stories, okay, just want to make sure you're talking about the Good Inside app, right?

23:35And they're like, I was like, why did you join?

23:37Becky Kennedy:And they're like, that's so interesting. It's true. I came for sleep. I came for tantrums. but what has ended up happening is I have changed even more than my parenting and I'll be like well how is this leap how is the tantrums they're like oh that's so much better but that is such a tiny blip compared to everything else lessons apply exactly and I just think parenting is the most emotionally evocative stage of our adult life never in any other part of our adult life are we kind of called to see all the things that we've kind of had unhealed or unworked on and I think if If we embrace parenting that way, all of our kids' issues get better.

24:14Becky Kennedy:But then the transformation in us is even more profound. And I think that's really what we do at Good Inside. And a big subject that you focus on at Good Inside is repair. Yes. And you always say that parents mess up. Yes. And that's okay. Yes. Talk me through the concept of repair. Because from what I understand, it's not just about, I'm sorry, but let's move on. No. What's next? I wish. That would be more convenient, wouldn't it? Yes. Okay, so I can really remember the exact place I was in in grad school, right? So I got my PhD from Columbia. I remember sitting in this class all about attachment, right?

24:49Becky Kennedy:Not attachment parenting, but attachment theory, right? How do kids learn how to connect to their adults? How does that matter for evolution? What makes for secure attachment, which is the attachment style we all want because it predicts confidence and all kind of good mental health outcomes, right? And I remember my professor saying this in passing. One of the markers of secure attachment is the presence of repair. And then he kept talking. I was like, I'm sorry. What? Because I kind of thought he was going to say that one of the markers of secure attachment is getting it right most of the time.

25:24Becky Kennedy:Like knowing what your kid needs and being attuned. And feeling good about the decision you're making. Yeah, feeling really good about your decisions and staying calm. And I remember raising my hand. I was like, I don't know. Did you say that wrong? And he goes, no, repair is one of the predictors, the markers of secure attachment. And I just, I didn't have kids at the time, but I literally felt my shoulders go down. I was like, oh, so when I'm a parent, I'm going to mess up. Everyone messes up. The kind of best form of attachment just requires me to repair after, but I can still mess up. I was like, I feel like I can do that.

25:56Becky Kennedy:You know, it was so hopeful. So what is repair? Repair is the act of going back to a moment that felt bad in a relationship. Taking ownership for your part. We can get to that because that's more nuanced than it seems. Acknowledging the impact on someone else and talking about what you would do differently the next time. And I love a formula, but I don't want to be too formulaic. You go back to a moment that felt bad. You take responsibility, accountability, and you move forward in a way that feels better to you and to the other person. Now, what you said before is important. And I think it's helpful to say what's repair and what's an apology, because I think a lot of us growing up maybe got apologies that were some version of, I'm sorry, I did that.

26:41Becky Kennedy:Can we move on? Or I'm sorry, I did that. Do you still love me? And a little bit, you're like a six-year-old like, whoa, now I'm taking care of you, right? Or this is the, sorry, you feel that way. Or I'm sorry, I yelled, but if you just listened when I asked you to put on your shoes, it wouldn't have happened. A good repair goes back to a moment and opens it up versus those type of apologies to me go back to a moment and shut it down. That's not what the human body needs. And the reason this is especially profound in kids, even though without a doubt, we all need to repair more in our adult relationships, is our kids have a very kind of overly simplistic way of understanding the world if they have to make meaning themselves without their adult.

27:27Becky Kennedy:So I'll take my own house as an example. I yell at my son. I've had a really long day at work. Other things that are stressful that have nothing to do with my son. I get home to cook dinner. I'm like, I want to cook dinner and put food on the table. And my son wanders into the kitchen and innocently enough, just says like, oh, chicken for dinner again. And I just unleash. It's over. The whole day, I get to kind of vomit onto my son. It's been boiling up until this point. It's been boiling up. Exactly. And your son gets the water. What's wrong with you? You're so selfish. You're so lucky to have a mom who cooks dinner and kids are starving around.

28:03Becky Kennedy:Nothing that is untrue. Just ineffective. And the way it comes out, certainly not in line with my values. Right? Okay. So that happens. Now, I know it's so easy to think my kid's three, my kid's six, my kid's 16. It's a moment. Who cares? Go on. But going back to kid's simplistic interpretation of the world, now my son is alone in his room. And attachment really matters because our kids are dependent on us for survival longer than any other animal species. In a mirror image. So they see what we do, how we react. Well, I actually mean it more literally. Like, at what age do you think your son could literally survive in the world without you and without your husband?

28:40Becky Kennedy:Definitely not right now, which is almost four. I mean, I don't even know. 15, 12. These days parents are telling me 25. I don't know the right answer. But definitely not at three. Definitely not at six. Okay. So that really matters. So your son is alone in his room thinking, the person I depend on for survival and the way I maximize survival is having that person close to me, caring for me, just became scary, Perry. just inserted all of this distance. That's a lot for the child body to try to understand. And they have to get back to homeostasis. Okay, how can I feel safe enough again to just move forward in this world and keep going?

29:21Becky Kennedy:And if we don't repair, they generally tell themselves one of two stories. One is just, it's my fault, right? And I always think about Ronald Fairburn, who was an old school psychoanalyst who said, for kids, it is better to be a sinner in a world ruled by God than to live in a world ruled by the devil. Meaning, for kids, it's better to take in the bad. The bad is in me. Because if I don't believe as a young, helpless kid that the world and my parent is good, I can't really go on. So it's my fault. It's my fault. I make bad things happen. When bad things happen out there, it's because of me. And whenever I share this with parents, they go, is that one of the reasons why now as an adult, whenever anything bad happens in my relationships, I always think it's my fault.

30:10Becky Kennedy:Yes, it's moments that went unrepaired. And the other thing kids do, which is equally as dangerous over time is self-doubt. Did that really happen? Maybe I'm overreacting. Can I really trust my perceptions? Maybe that didn't really happen. And if we think in adulthood, am I ever reacting to this person not texting me? What would five of my friends do? Is that really a big deal that my boss said that to me? Self-blame and self-doubt. That's what our kids do. So once that happened, imagining you're in the kitchen, your son, perhaps this really happened. Yes, it did really. Okay. What did you do?

30:46Becky Kennedy:So two steps. And the reason the why is important and that explanation is important is because it's so much easier then to say, I'm going to repair. Like, I don't want my kid to wire self-doubt and self-blame. That's not good. The first step of repair is the one that we often miss, and it's so important, is we have to repair with ourselves. we have to kind of if it's me sit in a bathroom toilet with the door closed and is it a moment of recognition yes or to me repair with myself is separating identity from behavior that's that's why moments are so hard is because we've collapsed the two i yelled becomes i'm a monster i reacted this way to my kid means i'm a bad mom whoa a behavior means my identity no i'm a good parent who yelled, great, I'm a good parent having a hard time, right?

31:33Becky Kennedy:And I need to do that repair with myself so I can go to my son. If not, I'm just going to be going to him to minimize something or having him make me feel better because I didn't do that work myself. Then a repair might sound like this, hey, I'm sorry I yelled. Wasn't your fault. I'm working on staying calmer even when I'm frustrated and even when you say things I don't like. I'm sure that felt bad, something like that. Even though you wanted to say many other things. Even though I wanted to say, but by the way, you're not having dinner tonight. Exactly. Now I'm a pragmatist. I always tell parents because they're like, well, what about my kid's part?

32:07Becky Kennedy:What about my kid's part? We have to model our part first. Parents these days, especially in 2026, say, my kid won't take accountability for anything. Well, if we as the adult cannot model accountability and our repairs look like, hey, I'm sorry I yelled, but look, you complained about dinner in an obnoxious way. why would I be surprised that my kid is always blaming the refs or blaming the kid on the playground for the fight they got in? That is the exact same behavior. They're learning it from us. So I would just say to parents, wait 24 hours, do your full part, then talk to your kid, but not in a blaming way, in a productive way.

32:39Becky Kennedy:Hey, look, you're not always going to like when I make for dinner. One way of telling me is that's disgusting. I have a feeling you could find another way that, by the way, is equally as true and is just also going to be more effective and having me change dinner over time. Like, oh, this is not my favorite. It still won't make me feel fantastic. But that's not my kid's job. No. You know, so I think just give it 24 hours to let your repair land. And then actually think, what do I want my kid to change? You know, because also 24 hours later, Maria, so often we do, we just vomit our frustration onto our kid.

33:10Becky Kennedy:I actually think we've called that discipline. It's, this is going to sound harsh. It's kind of pathetic leadership. Like we don't let CEOs just like vomit onto their employees. We don't think good basketball coaches after a bad game just say, what's wrong with you? And you can't play like that. Well, they do occasionally. By the way, and it's not to say they don't, but no one considers that good coaching. No. So if you wait 24 hours, you're probably going to also regulate a little to say, hey, something's going on in the morning. You never put on your shoes. Let's figure it out. Hey, something's going on where you're complaining about dinner.

33:41Becky Kennedy:It's okay if you don't like things, but it matters how you talk to me. Let's think about other ways. I'm not going to be able to do that in the heat of the moment anyway. So give yourself 24 hours, repair first, revisit it with your kid later to be more productive. Can I give you a real life example? Loving it. Okay. Give me a hard one. Or I felt like I mess up, but I want you to tell me if I did it right or wrong. So a couple of weeks ago, my son's invited to a birthday party. We show up early. There's a pony ride with pink hair. He's obsessed with it, does not want to get off the horse. A line forms.

34:10The next kid wants to get on. He throws a fit. I'm right there trying to get him off. And he says, no, no, no, no. I see pizza. I see pizza at the corner of my eye. And I say, we have a snack. There's a snack. He gets off the horse. So I look back to that situation and say, I distracted my child and I gave him a reward for having tough behavior. What would you say? Okay. So first of all,

34:37Becky Kennedy:Like, we all need an out once in a while. We all need a distraction. We all need an M &M bribe to get out the door. I just want to say, like, I don't just give parents permission to do that. I give myself permission to do that with zero guilt. I mean, I needed to get out of the situation. And you're like, I'm surrounded by people. I'm making new friends in this town. Like, I'm not dying to deal with the public meltdown. Embarrassing. Just give yourself a break. Okay? And I think the bigger thing we're zooming out on is just what's going on there? And forget that one incident. Who cares? It's come and gone.

35:07Becky Kennedy:No big deal, okay? But zooming out, do I understand the arc of what's happening? And does that help me think about how to intervene going forward? Not in a way that's impressive to people at the party. Not in a way that's perfect, but just in a way that actually feels good to me. So I think the thing at Good Inside we always talk about is we are long-term greedy in our parenting. Meaning, I am thinking about your 3-year-old, but I'm really thinking about your 3-year-old becoming a 13-year-old and a 23-year-old. I just think the stakes only get higher. And what we do in our early years, it ladders up.

35:40Becky Kennedy:And then it just matters even more, right? So let's think about zooming out what's happening. He's doing something fun. He's enjoying himself. And he's, like anyone would be in that moment, focusing on what is good for him in his world. He doesn't want anyone else to have the fun. He wants it all. And by the way, he's like, who is this Jack next in line? And going back to desire. Great. Who wouldn't want to have more of the things that feel good? He probably doesn't even see the kids online. Like you're probably, I don't even know. His world is, now I want my kids to have access to their desire and I want them to learn that they are people in the world.

36:20Becky Kennedy:They both matter, okay? And none of them develop in a single moment. But you're right. He's very focused on what he wants. He's having fun. He's having enjoyment. Now to stop doing something you really enjoy requires a lot of skills. You have to, okay, this is ending. What else is going to give me joy? Maybe. It was a pizza. That's right. So a different intervention, right? And again, maybe it's not even going to happen at the party because that's just too charged. But let's say it's at the grocery store and you're like, you know what? We're getting these items. I'm not getting my kid the little toy at the checkout because you're thinking sometimes you see things and you're not always going to get them.

36:58Becky Kennedy:And I want, right? Like most of the time. Most of the time. Exactly. More times than not. More times than not. And so maybe you gear yourself up. And I used to do this when my kids were younger. I was like, I'm going to the grocery store. But I want to be honest. I've already got my Instacart order ready. Because I have a feeling I'm not getting out of there. I just have a feeling. OK? And I'm like gearing myself up for this. And my kid sees the toy like they always do. And I've always said yes. But I just know. I'm going to say, not today, sweetie. I know. And you wish is really powerful language for little kids.

37:26I don't know if you say that to your son. How would I apply it in this situation?

37:30Becky Kennedy:You wish you could stay on the horse forever. You wish you could have that toy. The reason it's powerful. But do they hear you in that moment? A hundred percent. While they're crying and kicking. Yes. And we have to kind of have a much more long-term approach to understanding our impact. If you think about your own life, if you said to your friend, I wish I was invited to that dinner, it actually already acknowledges the reality that you weren't. It's a very powerful word. You wish. I wish. So when you use words with your kid over time, and it'll be a year, legitimately a year, he's going to be in the grocery store one day with you.

38:05Becky Kennedy:I promise. And he's going to see a toy. And he's going to say to you, I wish I could have it one day. No, but he will if we if we layer that in. And that is a very different step up than having a full tantrum because they're not having the toy. And I was thinking, like, what could I what could I have done before the party? Oh, I love that. I could have said to him, there is going to be so many fun things, but you're going to have to share it with several kids because all the kids are there to experience the fun. So this is exactly at Good Inside. We call this emotional vaccination. Right? What does that mean?

38:42Becky Kennedy:I'm going to get my kid ready a little bit for a moment because one of the principles I think about a lot is it's not so much a feeling that's hard to deal with as being surprised by a feeling. Think about yourself. You and your husband want to go out to dinner. You're excited going out for some anniversary. And you get there and it's a two-hour wait. But if he had told you before. He did a terrible job if it's a two-hour wait. I mean, 100%. I'm going to talk to him about that, okay? But if he had told you there's this awesome new restaurant where we live, it's a two-hour wait. It's interesting.

39:11Becky Kennedy:Same situation, but you feel different because you're not surprised. Kids really aren't great at being surprised. So if you say, look, we're going to this party and there's going to be a pony ride. And this is what I'd say even to a three-year-old. Do you think it's going to be this fun? this fun or this fun? What would he say? He'd say, maybe this fun. Well, he'd tell me, I don't know until I try. I don't know. He'd say, it might be this fun. Oh, no, you know what I'm thinking about? There's going to be a moment when you have to get off. Yep. And if the pony ride is this fun, How do you go back to something that's so simple?

39:44Getting off might be this hard.

39:48Becky Kennedy:We're going to be ready for that, and I'll help you if it's hard, but let's just think about that for a moment. That's it. No, your kid isn't going to say to you, that was really helpful. Thank you. No gratification. He never will. Never. But maybe there's a seed that's planted in his mind. Not maybe. There is. And also, Maria, what's powerful about a little emotional vaccination, it's 100 % helpful for your kid. It's kind of helpful. I know. It's helpful for us too. Right. I'm going to do this. I'm going to get through it. So helpful. It's, I mean, I wasn't raised like this. So all this advice, all these emotions, just the talks are like a new way of parenting.

40:28Becky Kennedy:It is. And look, I think you're pointing to kind of at the most foundational level, what really gets me out of bed in the morning. I think parenting is the most important job in the world and the one that has the most impact on your world and the world. It's the people. The entire world. The entire world. The children are the future. And it's the hardest job in the world. It is nonstop. Forget daytime worker, overnight worker. It's the whole thing, the emotional labor. And if you think about all that together, hardest, most impactful, most exhausting, most important, and then you combine that with something else, we have the least training, the least education, the least resources, the least support.

41:06That infuriates me.

41:10Becky Kennedy:It really is the reason for good inside. And most parents tell me, I do want to do things at least a little differently than how I was raised. But parenting really is like a language where if you were raised in Spanish and you want to speak Mandarin, anyone would say you could speak Mandarin to your kid, but it doesn't come naturally. And if you think it comes naturally and it matters to you, then you're going to feel like a failure all the time. And so I just think that framework is really empowering. Okay, this is something I can learn. It's a new language. In my worst moments, I'm going to go back to my language of origin.

41:40Becky Kennedy:That makes sense. And then I kind of get back on the pony and ride a little bit. and then take a chance and learn and grow. Yes, and it feels awkward when you do something new, like a new language. And also acknowledging that you are not good at this. You don't have, like, back to perfection. Yes. You're not perfect. You're evolving. You want to be better. That's right. You're going to make mistakes. You're going to mess up. That's right. And I think sports are such a good metaphor where my guess is you, I really mean this. I'm sure you were born with natural tennis talent, but no perfection. But that doesn't get you anywhere.

42:11Becky Kennedy:That's right. Like, no one says, well, I'm naturally good at this, so I'm not going to get coached. I'm like, well, you're probably not going to make it into the tour. No offense. There's a lot of ego in that statement, too. A lot of ego. So I think this new generation of parents, I see this all the time, who say some moments come instinctually and naturally. And for the ones that don't, I can do the same thing as I do anywhere else in life. I can learn. I can work on something. I can mess up. I can grow. I can figure out what feels right to me. And I love that.

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44:06Another very important theme in your work is emotional self-regulation. Yes. And you have a name for children who struggle with it, deeply feeling kids, another goodie. And even in your latest book, Leave Me Alone, it's a very important subject. Yes. So how would you describe a deeply feeling kid?

44:27Becky Kennedy:So I want to describe what we see on the outside first, and then I'll describe what I think is actually going on on the inside. Right. So on the outside, these are kids who go zero to 60 so fast. If there's an elevator in the lobby, it goes straight up to the roof so, so quickly. And so parents will often say, I feel like my kid melts down more often, more intensely, for longer. And I'll say, yes. Is that a description of a tantrum? Yeah. And the meltdowns and the tantrums are, they're more intense. They're often very animalistic. There's hissing, there's growling, there's scratching. Any parent listening who thinks, yeah, it's like my kid is a caged animal.

45:03Becky Kennedy:Yes. Right. We are animals. Right. And they really act like a, you know, animal in the corner. Who are you? Yeah. You look at them, you're like, where did this come from? Where did my kid go? It's so fast. And these kids also - Who influenced them? Yes. These kids tend to on the outside also, they kind of push people away at the moment they actually deep down need them the most. And a lot of people say, oh, I'm even like this as an adult. Or I know adults like this. Get away. I hate you. Right. But they're out of control. This is not some regulated moment. So they're at this 10 out of 10 more often.

45:33Becky Kennedy:When they're at a 10 out of 10, they push you away. But you kind of know they really, really need you. They blame other people for things that aren't their fault. You tripped me. And you're thinking, I wasn't even near you on the sidewalk. You just fell down, right? So what is going on? So here's what I think is going on inside. I love words that give me a visual or a felt sense. So I think the image that's really helpful for parents to hear is these are kids who are more porous to the world, which is not often a word we use. But if you think about the pores on your skin and then you think about each pore being wider or bigger, it would completely change how you experience every moment of your life.

46:10Becky Kennedy:So more from the world would flow into you. Right? Meaning something small, a kid laughing in class at my joke is going to impact me more than other people. More flows in. You're more aware of the world. Things smell weird to you. The tag often feels really itchy. You're sensitive to people's tone. You're yelling at me. And parents are like, I just raised my voice like a tiny decibel. So more flows in. But it affects them so much. So much. And because more flows in, it's true. In the moments that are hard, more flows out. Right? It's a big rush. These are kids who are also very hypervigilant to their environment.

46:49Becky Kennedy:They notice everything in an amazing way. And it can kind of make them a little socially paranoid sometimes. That kid was laughing at me. And you're thinking that kid was laughing at the movie. They don't even know you're in the room. Right? And so because of all of this, these kids are more reactive. And they're also much more prone to shame. They are filled with shame. I always say their vulnerability almost sits next to shame. and they activate together, which is why they can be so explosive and why traditional methods of trying to help them tend to backfire. Is there a real difference between a deeply feeling kid and just a difficult kid?

47:26And how do you know? As a parent, how would you know?

47:29Becky Kennedy:Yeah. You know, the world is so full of parenting tips and hacks and scripts and strategies. And I think what we give parents is actually just a different way to see. That's what we do. We end up helping parents see their kid differently, see themselves differently, which changes everything that comes next. You don't tell them what to do. You give them the tools to make a decision. Yeah, and look, part of it is a script or a strategy. That matters because, again, if this is all a new language, we need a little starter pack to get us into the new restaurant or to get us into the new room. But I think what's happened in this online world is we have a million scripts and strategies.

48:03Becky Kennedy:We don't have a foundation underneath us. So we have all these things without anywhere to plant them, which makes us very anxious. Right. It's kind of like 20 different tennis coaches telling you things. I'm sure you learned basics about your swing to come back to. Then a tip can land. But if all you have is random things to try. From many different voices. From 40 different voices. Right. You know, people always say, so is that the issue? I'm sure the issue with tennis isn't you need a coach, but you probably don't want 40 coaches. Right. Right. And so I think one of the frameworks we've kind of practiced over generations is you see a kid's behavior, and that then forms the story of who the kid is.

48:48Becky Kennedy:Difficult behavior means difficult kid. That looks like disrespectful behavior. Oh, I have a disrespectful kid. We don't respond to our kid's behavior. We respond to the story we tell ourselves about their behavior. Nothing matters more than that story. And then it's about you. It's no longer about them. That's right. And so I think people say, how do you know this isn't just a difficult kid, a disrespectful kid, a defiant kid? What I would say to a parent is that's just not a helpful framework. I'm not going to argue with you about whether it's true. Sure. Sounds like there's a lot of difficult moments.

49:15Becky Kennedy:Do we want to be effective? If we want to be effective, we need to start with a better story. And the story for deeply feeling kids is this is a good kid who is very, very easily overwhelmed by the world. We have to help this kid learn tools. This kid has to operate in the world. This is not about permissive parenting. Zero percent. We're long-term greedy, but we have to understand this kid to understand how to help them. So before you start trying to help regulate his emotions, you have to understand where that emotion is coming from. Yes. I think there's actually no strategy in parenting that's as powerful as understanding your kid.

49:53Becky Kennedy:So even anyone listening right now, if you think about, maybe you're thinking, wait, do I have a deeply feeling kid? Is that kind of the thread that connects? Or do I have a kid who really struggles when they don't get their way? Do I have a kid who has a big idea about how things are going to go? And then when it doesn't go that way, they really can't deal. Okay, I probably have words to start to describe my kid. I think the best first step is just noticing the way I start to talk about my kid. Does it make me like my kid? Or does it make me stop liking my kid? And by the way, we all get into stop liking my kid mode.

50:24Becky Kennedy:We do this at night. We get through a hard day and we say to our partner, seriously, he's a sociopath. Seriously, our kid is a sociopath. They're just not lucky. And something is wrong with him. And like he's never going to have friends. He's going to end up in jail. Right? And meanwhile, like my kids too. Or they're like 12. I've said these things. That's why people are like, you're such a good actress. I'm like, no, I'm just pulling from my own experience, people. But just to be able to say, hold on a second. I'm definitely in not liking my kid mode. And what's interesting about the mode we're in and the mindset, we can only pull strategies from the mindset we're in.

50:53Becky Kennedy:And they feed off of your energy. That's right too. So I end up reinforcing the very dynamic I'm trying to move away from, which is why when I'm in a bad phase, I would actually tell a parent, stop going on Instagram and getting strategies because all you're doing is reinforcing the hard mindset and hard stage you're in. The first step is actually to say, hold on, I might need a different way of understanding what's going on for my kid. Not permissive, not soft, not too gentle. No, just actually understanding what's really going on here. And then from there, it's like I've switched roads. And then I can play around with new strategies and scripts that are from that new mindset and walk down a more productive road.

51:32So, so true. What about a deeply feeling employee? Yes. Or a deeply feeling boss? Do the same rules apply?

51:40Becky Kennedy:Well, look, I think, yes, the same rules apply in terms of just what is my conceptualization about this person. But there's some key differences. I think, see, one of the things with our kids is we're locked into a relationship with them forever. And we want to be. We love the heck out of our kids. Even when we're in a mindset of not liking them, we still really love them. That's inherently different than almost any adult relationship we're in. Our boss, a friend, we don't have to be in a relationship with these people, right? And so that's inherently different, which also means I can understand my colleague who, whoa, they're deeply feeling.

52:18Becky Kennedy:But that doesn't mean I have to do the same things I'm probably going to do with my kid because I'm probably just more invested in my kid's future and in our relationship. Right. It's not a forever. Yeah. Potentially. Yes. As an athlete, you had to learn how to manage your frustration. Yeah. Right. Because frustration comes from losing, from making errors. And most of the time you're making errors and you're making winners. Right. That's the reality of sport. But how do we train for that every single day? I mean, this is another one of my favorite topics and I think it really matters in 2026. Again, there's been kind of an overcorrection.

52:53Becky Kennedy:Somehow I think good parenting, this is not good inside parenting, but the theme of good parenting has become almost equivalent with removing, ending, or avoiding frustration, right? And we're in almost happiness optimization mode all the time. And the irony going back to, and I think this becomes clear to me because I do always have this kind of long-term greedy, long-term perspective is the more we optimize for the removal of frustration in childhood, the more we optimize for happiness in childhood, the more we completely unintentionally wire for fragility and anxiety in adulthood, which is usually not a trade we actually want to make.

53:33Becky Kennedy:Because frustration is the feeling we have between not knowing how to do something and being successful at doing something. Whether you're talking about reading or math or friendship or waiting in line for something, there's something you want and can't do yet. And then here's success. And in between is frustration. The learning process is inherently supposed to be filled with frustration. And so the irony here is when we collapse that space, when we always avoid frustration, when we solve things for kids. Oh, I really need my daughter to be with her best friend in second grade. What we're really saying to our kid is I'm not giving you the very space to develop the skills that are going to make you resilient and confident for life.

54:23Becky Kennedy:We actually remove our kid from the exact container that they need to be in. Now, I don't think we have to correct to the opposite side, which is maybe what some of us experience. Hey, this isn't a big deal. Stop whining. Right. Our kids are allowed to be frustrated and upset, but our job isn't to take that away. It's actually to remember, I want my kid to be frustrated. Like, I want that experience for them because that's where they learn. Teach them to regulate that frustration as opposed to trying to find a distraction that gets them to something else that they like and that they have to move on from.

54:58Yeah.

54:58Becky Kennedy:There was this period of time in my private practice, I was working with a lot of families whose kids were kind of starting kindergarten. Maybe they're in first grade, and there were a lot of reading struggles. One factor that I find is often underexplored and came up with almost all of these families was a pattern where reading was almost the first thing these five and six-year-olds had ever done, where they had to tolerate wanting to do something and not being successful basically right away. It's the opposite of iPad time. There's no immediate gratification when you're learning to read. Actually, one of the things that helps kids learn to read, separate from phonics, right, separate from anything learning related, is actually something I call frustration tolerance.

55:40Becky Kennedy:Where are my frustration tolerance skills? Have I learned, even by age five, to tolerate frustration, trying to open Play-Doh, trying to do a puzzle? Have I learned to stay in that space? Or did my body kind of learn when I'm frustrated, other people lift me out of it, give me success, avoid it, do things for me? because then I'm going to show up to reading and I'm like, where's the person who's going to? So your advice is to let them feel that frustration. Give it another try. Supported struggle is what we want. We don't want our kids to struggle and have an attitude of like, oh, I don't like you.

56:16Becky Kennedy:I just can't do it. No. But there's a lot between being mean to our kids when they're struggling and avoiding struggling. Supported struggling often looks like, yes, this is hard. And yes, I know you're going to be able to figure it out. kind of going back to that puzzle example.

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57:52So switching gears, we're going to put a business hat on. Great. Okay. So we've talked about applying your parenting advice to the workplace and you were able to turn that into an actual successful business. What has been, if you look at your trajectory, what has been the single most important decision you've made in order to make a good inside profitable? I think probably the most important decision is at any moment of something new or something different, starting by kind of gazing in, like, does this feel right to us?

58:32Becky Kennedy:Does this feel like me? And I think people talk about that as authenticity. I guess I think about the process of that, which is instead of gazing out, what could this do for our business? And what are other people doing? And what do people think? And actually starting from something different, which is just, is this within the good inside method? Like I said, good inside is a method. It's not tips. It's not to say we don't have tips, but methods have actually principles and they have frameworks for seeing things. And I actually think at every point I've tried to force myself to stay true to that.

59:03Becky Kennedy:Is this just something fun to do or is this actually an extension of what's at the core, which is helping parents see things differently and feel more empowered? And has that always come naturally to you or is it from the team that you've hired over the years and just the experience that you've learned along the way? I do think it's definitely not from early on in my life, but over the course of my adulthood, I worked hard to kind of hone this felt sense of what feels like me, what feels true. I call it often, it's something I talk about a lot is I think one of the things I can do is separate what's core from what's secondary.

59:40Becky Kennedy:That's the way I always say it to my team, right? I think we can get really caught in decisions about what's secondary. So in a business, like, well, there's this opportunity and it could lead to this. Oh, okay. That all matters. But like what's core is what do we believe in? What do we stand for? And I think separating that out, you have to be able to say yes to what's core before considering what's secondary. And I actually think it's the same thing with families. Okay. This is happening with my kid and this and this and this. And it feels like there's 30 different problems. I'll say, okay, hold on.

1:00:09Becky Kennedy:We're going to put this stuff to the side. Here's the thing that is kind of connecting all the things you're saying. And here's what's core. And I think I've honed my ability to kind of see things or listen to things through that lens. When I hear you say core, I think of focus, like playing for over 28 years, like I would wake up and my identity, the hat that I would wear as I put on my athletic wear was like, I am an athlete and today I'm going to do everything I can to get better. And everything that comes my way, opportunities, invitations, deals, that is, as you say, secondary to my goal.

1:00:46My goal is to become better. Better will bring me more opportunity to say no to. And that's an amazing position.

1:00:54Becky Kennedy:Yes. And that focus, it's such an easy distraction. It's so easy to get distracted in business when you start getting opportunities. Yes. And I think about that in terms of the mix of my personal life and my work life, right? So I do now. I feel so fortunate. I feel grateful to get invited to so many amazing things, this conference or this dinner. And the thing that's core to me is actually I've learned that I like to be home, putting my kids to bed in my pajamas five nights a week, minimum, which means, to be honest, me and my husband go out with friends on a Saturday. We often go out on a Wednesday or Thursday, but I know more than two nights a week of that, even if it's amazing work stuff, just not for me.

1:01:37Becky Kennedy:And so it's like, oh, I was invited to this thing. That sounds great. And of course there's moments you have to be flexible and you move things around, but coming back to that core focus and value actually makes writing an email, telling someone I can't come kind of easy. And it's also something that you will always look back on and be proud of. You will never regret making a decision that's for you, that's for your business, where you know that that is the right thing to do, no matter how big a check is. That's right. And I think this kind of goes back actually to something else we were talking about.

1:02:07Becky Kennedy:For anyone listening and thinking that's really hard for me. So many of us were really taught to distance ourselves from our values and our wants. having clarity on what you want means that I'm able to ask myself what I want. It's like, what does feel core to me? What are the things that matter? And I'm not going to get it right, but can I play around with that? But now I'm asking a very different question that's going to be more productive than should I say yes or no to this invitation? Has there been a part of your job that you were least prepared for? I mean, I just think that as we've grown, right, and good side now we have you know over 70 employees we have whole teams that do things like I don't I don't know much about engineering or data or you know um digital product is all new to me um and so growing while staying true to what's core I just think um probably until I've been in it I've never I could have never really understood like what that tension you know really required right yeah I would love to pull up your your chat yes right with your bot yes Gigi Gigi Gigi I want to talk to Gigi I have a question for Gigi okay should I get Gigi now please go Gigi oh my gosh I'm like scared of what Gigi's gonna tell me so Gigi is our AI chatbot that is within the good inside app is one of the many things in the app right but I think what excited me a little bit ago was, hold on a second, now in an AI world, I can take not just things I've said, but kind of this core canon of beliefs, this real method, which shows up in ideas, but it also just shows up in how we actually talk to people.

1:03:52Becky Kennedy:I think that's what people comment to me a lot about, that the way I share ideas makes them feel empowered, not shitty about themselves, right? Now I can put that in a chat bot so when parents ask questions, they can get an absurdly personalized and specific. Well, I want to ask you about that because that's a scary new world. I mean, you are asking the invisible world a question about something that is very important in your life. Yes. And how do you build the trust with Gigi? Number one, it is completely trained, not just on what I've said on free resources, but, you know, stuff that's only in our app.

1:04:35Becky Kennedy:Like the Good Inside Method and the core foundations are something we've really enumerated, right? And so it's trained on that. So no matter how specific of a question you get, it's going to come from this kind of core set of beliefs. That really matters in that it continues to feel consistent to people. Also, our barometer always is, is this guidance going to help someone feel more capable or more anxious? We are in the business of helping parents trust themselves more and feel more capable, not becoming reliant on someone external to try to get a moment right. I mean, when did you realize that AI was going to be an important tool for your work?

1:05:10I mean, a couple of years ago.

1:05:12Becky Kennedy:You know, I think I'm a real forever learner. I really am. It's why I love this part of my career where I do get to learn about engineering and product. And I get to listen to Lenny's podcast. And I listen to Elena Vernal all the time. And I listen to Emily Sundberg. And I just have like all these voices and newsletters and podcasts I'm listening to. I mean, you started as a clinician and now you're a tech expert. I don't know about expert. You know, definitely not. And actually, expert feels like anti-learning to me. I wouldn't even say I'm a parenting expert, but I do feel like now I get to learn about so many things.

1:05:42Becky Kennedy:And so the other thing I should say that's different than Gigi, and I think it's one of the most special things. And I'm curious how it's going to help you. We have members from over 100 countries. It's a very active forum. There's live events. There's threads. And so one of the things. There are real people. There are real people. It's not just Gigi. And so what's really interesting about our chatbot is it also will pull real human stories because sometimes when we're asking questions, we're really just wondering, am I the only one? And so there's a real human element to it. I can't wait to ask this question.

1:06:09Okay. My child's preference is to poop in a diaper and not on the toilet. Gigi, please tell me what to do because he's almost four and I really want him pooping in the toilet.

1:06:19Becky Kennedy:Okay. Ready? Okay, Gigi. Is my child just a control freak? Do you want me to ask that? Well, I'll tell you what Gigi says first. Here's the thing. Your son isn't being difficult. He's telling you something important about where he feels safe right now. Pooping is vulnerable for kids, and some kids need more time to feel comfortable than others. The good news, this is manageable, and pushing will only create resistance. Here's what we'd suggest. Number one, remove the pressure and let him set the pace. If your son is really nervous about pooping, let him poop in the diaper for now, even if it's in the bathroom.

1:06:46Becky Kennedy:Give it a few days to reset and remove pressure. Then slowly introduce the process. Maybe the next step is pooping in his diaper while in the bathroom. then sitting near the potty or touching the toilet. Some kids do well pooping in a diaper that has a hole in it. So they're pooping in the diaper on top of the toilet. The main point is reducing shame and control so he can relax. Number two, this is so good though. This is where we do things differently than other people. You'll say this is great advice. Build comfort with, and tell me if this resonates, with mess and release. Kids with poop anxiety often hold everything in because they see themselves as neat and orderly.

1:07:24Becky Kennedy:Try things like silly dance parties, playing in mud, or saying, we don't always have to be clean. We can sometimes have a mess. This helps kids feel safer with their body's natural process rather than just hiding things in a diaper. Stick with this approach. Change takes time, but your son will figure it out. Wow. And then here's like a thread from Amanda. Toddler poop standing up, trouble transitioning to potty. That's an example. So let's say if I click on that, anyone else have this issue? My two and a half year old son is doing great with potty, with pee, but not with poop. He won't poop on the potty.

1:07:57Becky Kennedy:So I could read this whole thing. Okay, so I'm not alone. And then you could see there's six different comments. There's so many different. So then you also know the parents you can connect with. So then you get in a rabbit hole of, okay, I'm not alone. Yeah, and I think the best part of the rabbit holes on Goodinside is it's the opposite of what happens on the internet. Like I can't even tell you the vulnerable threads where it's real. It's real because I, yeah, I think good inside has created almost like a value system for some parents. So, you know, you're getting like valued parents who are not judgmental, who want to say the truth.

1:08:25Becky Kennedy:And sometimes that really helps. So, yeah, I mean, we could keep going with specific things. No, I'd love that. I mean, as you read that, what do you, I mean, would you add something to that? I mean, the only thing I'd add because, again, you know, and this is also great. If you were to keep going, be like, I want more. I want less. We're always getting to know you. But I think poop and pee, the potty process and the food process, they're the only two things young kids control. What goes in and what goes out. Every other area of a kid's life is controlled by a parent. Get up. Get dressed. We've got to go to school.

1:08:59Becky Kennedy:We're going to the park. We're leaving the park. Get off the pony ride. Everything. He's holding on. He's holding on, right? And it's also why if we interfere too much with pressure in the only two areas that little kids control, then the way they have to feel independent. I'm not eating anything. I'm not pooping it, right? We want our kids to be independent, but we don't want the potty and food to be the areas they express. And so we really have to back up. Okay. Poop where you want. That's okay. I know you'll figure it out. over time, hey, one of the things we're going to do is actually change your diaper near the toilet, literally.

1:09:39Becky Kennedy:And I know this is a lot when kids get older, but take the poop from the diaper and put it into the toilet and flush. And we get into this. I haven't done that. If you think about it, it's scaffolding. If I get anything out of this conversation. This is what you're getting. And because. I mean, it's so true. And the one other thing I will say in our potty. It's a visual. They connect the emotion to visual representation. Yes. And poop is really tricky for some kids, honestly. And kids who are aware of the world and smart, they are, not all of them, same as some, it feels like it's like a loss of their body.

1:10:11Becky Kennedy:Like, I don't know if your son is having this yet, but a lot of kids in the two to four or five-year-old range, they get really upset when they get cuts. They want Band-Aids on everything, right? It's kind of like, it's called the theme of body continuity. Where does my body start and end and how vulnerable am I? So you're asking me to release and flush away like a part of myself? Like, I don't think so, mom. Right. And the diaper kind of hides that. So this is going to sound extra ridiculous. Okay. This is in our potty course too. When you put the poop in the potty before you flush it, just start saying, don't force your son.

1:10:43Becky Kennedy:Bye poop. Go have fun swimming with your poopy friends. Like you're actually giving your kid a story of the poop, as opposed to, we said this kid's filling in the blank with the story of like, is something wrong with me? Am I releasing a part of myself? I don't want to do that. And so try that. And I have a feeling I'll make some progress. I was so embarrassed to ask you this, but I'm so glad I did. You are. And again, this is what - So many great takeaways. And this is what's so important about having a real community. There is nothing someone's ever asked me or Gigi that we can't give a community thread for.

1:11:16Becky Kennedy:We know the percentage of people who click on the threads is so high because to some degree behind every question is, is my kid an N of one? Like, is my kid the only one who? And it's so helpful to just know that's not true. So what is next for you? What is next for Good Inside? So I'm really, really so excited about this next stage. What I'm excited about is how much it's expanding beyond me. You know, this was never called the Dr. Becky method, the Dr. Becky app, the Dr. Becky community, because my core belief, coming back to what's core, is that we all have, you have, I have, anyone listening, We have what we need inside of us to be the sturdiest leaders and to be the parent we want to be.

1:11:56Becky Kennedy:And over the course of many years, in our early childhood especially, we've all built up layers that kind of get in our way of accessing that, that we're adaptive but no longer are. And we all kind of need guides and new ideas and new frameworks to kind of come back to what feels good. And coming back is important. I think our members often say, like, you helped my kid grow, but you helped me return. I think that's what we do. We help parents return. And the reason this matters so much is it's not just about me. I really don't believe that. And so we just expanded into the teen space with a brand new other psychologist who joined the Good Inside Umbrella who lives and breathes good inside as a method, but for teens.

1:12:33Becky Kennedy:Her name is Dr. Cheryl. She has her own podcast. She's in our app. We're doing so much more for parents of teens and all the stickiest subjects, porn, phone, social media, curfew, all of it. And we're expanding into the baby space and pregnancy space. So we have an amazing new sleep, you know, a baby sleep person, a lactation and feeding person, a baby care nurse. And so the Good Inside method again, but for pregnancy and that first couple years. And really, in this next year, we're kind of fully kind of expanding the journey, right? We know that families want to kind of build. They don't want to start over.

1:13:10Becky Kennedy:They're trying to raise good kids who become good adults, not just solve a problem. And I'm just so excited about the Good Inside umbrella growing with other experts, kind of same method, same philosophy, but in all the different key areas. Yes, in stages. Gigi has a lot of work to do. Gigi has a lot of work to do. And there's going to be more. We're just, I think we, and our ideas always come from our community, right? Grow up with us. We now have teens. Hold on. I wish I had this from day one. We're like, oh, we should be in pregnancy and teens. You should be in day one. So anyone listening here, I love when people listen to a podcast and they send me a DM.

1:13:44Becky Kennedy:They, you know, write support at goodinside.com. Hey, we want more of this. I want to hear more about this. And we really are here to show up for parents and their ideas often shape what we do. You're building what your audience has asked you to build. Yeah, trying.

1:14:03Welcome to Pretty Tough Tips, a short series on performance presented by Pure Leaf Ice tea. This season, we're exploring mental focus, and today's tip is on composure. Composure is the state of being calm, tranquil, and in control of one's emotions or mind, especially under pressure or stress. Oftentimes, we are thrown in a situation where we feel like we have control, we're confident, and all of a sudden, we either make an error or someone says something that We don't love and it just throws us off our path. We become entirely overwhelmed. A time when I often lost my composure is when I felt very confident going into my arena, which was either my court or a boardroom.

1:14:53I was overprepared. I had my speech. I knew I could hit the perfect backhand down the line. And then all of a sudden, I'd make one mistake or someone in the crowd would yell something. and it got in my head. And instead of just thinking, that's okay, there's many people in the stand, that's all right, I made one mistake. I kind of let it get the better of me and that turned into more mistakes and more errors and more frustration. It was everyone else's fault, but mine. My earliest memory of learning about composure goes way back. I was a teenager and I had a Japanese trainer. His gym was in his garage and he made me do strength training with bands.

1:15:34It was very untraditional. And he was all about repetition, continuing the raps. I would start making a face because I would feel it and it would hurt. And he said, look at the mirror. What do you see? And I said, well, I see someone that's deeply unhappy right now and this hurts. And he's like, well, what's going to happen when you have an opponent across the net and it's really hard and it's deep in the third set or you're in a deep negotiation? What are they going to see. They're going to think, wonderful, I have this match in the bag. So change your composure. Don't show it until you're done, until you're in the locker room.

1:16:05Then you can show it to whoever you want. You can call anyone you want. You can talk about it. But in the moment, when you're on the stadium, when you're in the boardroom, don't show it. We all know it's going to be hard, right? We're going to feel the reps. We're going to feel the struggle. We're going to feel a certain challenge. Your opponent sees everything. Feel how tough it is, but don't necessarily show it on your face. After every single point, no matter if I was winning or losing, as a way to collect my thoughts and just focus on the next point and not dwell on what happened, whether I made a winner or made a bad error, is to look down at my strings, take five to ten seconds, and just recollect.

1:16:45It's hard to do when so many people are watching, but it felt like a really healthy reset in a moment that was full of pressure and full of responsibilities. So next time you feel a little rattled, just focus on the things you can control. Take a deep breath, take a minute for yourself and gain that composure. And most importantly, don't show your opponent what you're feeling.

1:17:12We're close to the end and I have, the last few are some pretty tough questions. Okay, I'm ready. You ready? Yes. What is something that you've had to unlearn?

1:17:20Becky Kennedy:Something that I'm actively unlearning is I am someone who loves to convert idea into action right away. It's what makes me look very productive on the outside, although it's driven by a good amount of anxiety on the inside. And so what I am learning, I guess, around that is action isn't always the best answer. Sometimes we have to wait. Sometimes we have to consider. A long time sometimes. times. Yeah. And so that balance of when to act and when to pause is something I think I have to recalibrate a little bit. That's a great answer. What is a routine that's helped shape your success? I do think I have a good morning routine.

1:17:57Becky Kennedy:And I should say that I think there's a lot of morality about mornings and I don't want to touch that. I happen to be someone who wakes up early. So for everyone who doesn't, I just want to say I feel for you because that probably feels like what 11.30 p.m. feels like for me, which feels like torture. Right. Okay. And so in the morning, That's why you want to be out only one night a week. That's exactly right. You're connecting the dots. But I wake up naturally at kind of 5.30. I just do. And in my morning, that kind of hour and a half before my kids come out during the weekday to get ready for school, I rotate.

1:18:26Becky Kennedy:Like sometimes I work out. Sometimes I, you know, send voice notes with delayed send to my friends to catch up. I'll clear my email inbox. That's when I definitely do my best writing. But I have a lot of energy in the morning and really kind of preserving that space for me and the things that really light me up. is an important part of my routine. What is a common misconception about you? I think a common misconception about me is probably that I'm soft or kind of overly gentle in my parenting, right? I think as soon as you talk about caring about feelings, people mistake that with being permissive about behavior.

1:19:01Becky Kennedy:I think anyone who really knows me or has watched our content in depth or is in our membership or just sees me parent would say, Becky actually really does two things at once. She deeply cares about her kids' feelings and she's very warm. and she's boundaried and she has, you know, high expectations that she's working toward. And both of those things exist at the same time. In our normal writing round, we ask about perfection. Yeah. But we've already covered that. So I've got I've got a special one for you. What's one boundary you've gotten better at holding? Oh, I think the boundary I've gotten better at holding is actually just how I use my calendar.

1:19:36Becky Kennedy:I really use my calendar to schedule in the things that I value. And so tell me more. simple things like if you know my oldest his lacrosse games are in my calendar they're at 4 p.m right they're there the ones that I'm going to go to and so if someone asks me if I'm available for a meeting I'll just say I'm not available here's another time I can do it's already there but that's something I have a calendar for from his sports life the other way I use it is I realize that I would not see my girlfriends if I just kind of leave my week up to its own devices I always think in adulthood, there's no leftover time.

1:20:10Becky Kennedy:Like I'm not in college anymore. That's not a thing. And so Thursday mornings, as much as possible, I carve out time to work out with my friends and then we have breakfast together. That's in my calendar. And it's intentional. It's so intentional. I'll put in my calendar one-on-one time with my daughter on a Saturday from 10 to 12. And I don't know how I'm going to fill it, but it, but it's there. Right. And so that helps me live in line with my values and protects my time. What is something that makes you feel tough? I feel tough every time I do something with my kids. I make a decision that I really know is in their long-term best interest, even if they're not happy with me in the moment.

1:20:50Becky Kennedy:Like, I really feel like I'm a pilot who got through a turbulent storm. And I think this is one of the things I've experienced and so many parents experience. We think we're going to feel amazing as parents when we have a perfect day. I always think at Gunnside, we help you brag about different things. You're going to end up bragging to your friend, you should see how I handled that grocery store meltdown. You should see how I handled the meltdown at the birthday party. I'm so proud of myself. And you feel tough because you did something tough. So great. What is something that makes you feel pretty?

1:21:18Becky Kennedy:My most honest answer to you, and I don't know what this means, is it's just like literally not a word I think about. Like what makes me feel strong? What makes me feel like myself? What makes me feel in flow I have a million answers to what makes me feel pretty it's just it's not a word I think about often we've been thinking about it as like the yin and yang of pretty tough so they're like the version the tough the leader the gritty the and then the side that's pretty and vulnerable and and soft I mean I think then my answer when I think about if pretty is in the same camp as vulnerable and soft I think about um a specific friend of mine and we have moments like this often, we're both so busy, but you know, we sit down over coffee.

1:22:01Becky Kennedy:Maybe I just go to her apartment and, and it's kind of one of those, like, what's really going on? Like, just give it to me. And then she, she says something back to me where I just feel like, oh my goodness, you know me so well. I feel so seen. Nothing's going to inherently change. Um, but I just feel like being really seen and known in the hard and the vulnerable, that feels really good. So maybe that's my pretty moment. That's a great answer. Yeah. Thank you, Dr. Becky.

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