A new vision of healthy masculinity | Davonte Green

0:00This episode is sponsored by Capital One. Capital One's tech team isn't just talking about multi-agentic AI. They already deployed one. It's called Chat Concierge and it's simplifying car shopping. Using self-reflection and layered reasoning with live API checks, it doesn't just help buyers find a car they love. It helps schedule a test drive, get pre-approved for financing and estimate trade-in value. Advanced, intuitive and deployed. That's how they stack. That's technology at Capital One.

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3:00It's secure, scalable, and built to serve the customer. When AI works well, it shouldn't feel like AI. Unhold your customers with Parloa. Learn more at parloa.com. That's P-A-R-L-O-A dot com. On this podcast, we talk a lot about the effects of stress, where it lives in our bodies, and how we respond to it. That's often the focus of my research and my teaching. I prompt people to better understand why they are feeling a particular way and remind them that identifying what is underlying their stress can help them manage it better. This is clearly an important skill in the workplace. Makes sense for a podcast called Ted Business.

3:46But these lessons stay relevant even after you clock out. And today's talk is a reminder of how big of an impact articulating your emotions can have on the rest of your life. I'm Madupa Akinola. This is TED Business, a podcast from TED. Our speaker today is youth advocate and leadership coach Devante Green. He spent his career observing stereotypes around masculinity, and he's seen how expectations of how to be a quote-unquote real man have prevented some men from fostering emotional intelligence to draw upon in moments of difficulty or conflict. but the lessons he's learned apply regardless of your gender.

4:30He's here to counteract harmful ideas around emotions and vulnerability and help you make your life easier to navigate. Then after the talk, I'll ask you to reflect on your own emotional triggers. But first, a quick break. This episode is brought to you by Founders Mentality, a podcast in partnership with Bain & Company. If you listen to Ted Business for conversations about leadership, navigating change, and unlocking innovation, I have another show for your rotation. It's called Founders Mentality, the CEO Sessions. It gets into the real decisions behind some of today's leading executives and companies.

5:13Not just what a CEO should do, but who a CEO has to become to do it. In their recent episode with Laura Burrow, Group CEO of The Economist Group, you hear how she walked into a divided organization and a transformation project that had already cost the company millions and made the call to scrap it. Instead, she pushed for a new approach, one that could fund itself and bring the business back together. She and host Jimmy Allen break down that choice, how customer data reshaped the company's priorities, and how The Economist is thinking about transformation now in the age of AI. Follow Founders Mentality, the CEO sessions from Bain & Company, wherever you get your podcasts.

6:05This episode is sponsored by Capital One. Capital One's tech team isn't just talking about multi-agentic AI. they already deployed one. It's called Chat Concierge and it's simplifying car shopping. Using self-reflection and layered reasoning with live API checks, it doesn't just help buyers find a car they love, it helps schedule a test drive, get pre-approved for financing, and estimate trade-in value. Advanced, intuitive, and deployed. That's how they stack. That's technology at Capital One.

6:41And now, Devontae Green takes the TED stage. So a few years ago, I was facilitating a workshop inside of a Level 3 men's prison right here in California. Oftentimes, we had about 70 participants. Men serving sentences anywhere between 3 to 38 years. As we begin our workshop, like any good workshop, start with an activity. The activity that we started with is known as Cross the Line. You might be familiar with it, but the way it works is I ask a question, and if it resonates, then a participant steps forward and cross the line. The question that I asked was to step forward and cross the line if you are currently serving a sentence from a crime that you committed that took you 60 seconds or less.

7:45An overwhelming amount of participants took a step forward. And not just one of the trainings, but in every one of them. Wow. I was astonished. In less than 60 seconds, these men had lost so many years of their lives. And they've also created victims and they've impacted their own families and communities. All because they couldn't pause and were most likely acting in alignment with what they think it is to be a real man. See, I grew up right here in Englewood. And Englewood, like many cities across the country, has been impacted by that invisible yet potent misconception of masculinity and what it means to be a real man.

8:35Culturally, we perpetuate this through music, entertainment, all influencing how men and boys view masculinity and what it means to be a real man. Now, sadly, I've lost too many of my own loved ones due to this misconception. folks fueled by anger, jealousy, and a lack of self-accountability. It was the murder of my two best friends and my cousin, Robert Gary Jackson Jr., Trayvon Williams, Tyrone Tucker Jr., that really propelled me to become a healthy manhood and masculinity advocate and to go on to found the Giants Dan Leadership Network for aspiring Black men and boys, where we foster emotionally intelligent leaders who are also actively engaged in their communities.

9:21But this ain't how it started. Before I was known for this work, before I found my passion for supporting Black men and boys, I was known and celebrated for my aggression on the football field and also known for these hands. I was the guy who wanted to fight once folks started making one too many jokes. In fact, I often wanted to fight whenever I felt disrespected. which is okay in my community, because in my community, it was okay, and it was celebrated for young men to have short fuses and to be emotionally immature. I was taught that disrespect needed to be responded to with violence. That's how real men dealt with it.

10:03And to walk away or try to talk through a situation made you scared or weak and could lead to a shameful reputation. So I followed suit. When I was 20 years old, I took a two-hour drive in the middle of the night to get into a fight because I had felt disrespected. But in my reflection, I recognized that it wasn't disrespect that I was feeling. It was insecurity. Because two hours is a long time to stay mad. You know what I mean? You have to really be working at this mad stuff. So how does one sustain anger for a two-hour ride? I'm telling myself one-sided stories that justify what I'm about to do.

10:49Adding fuel to my fire. Letting my anger boil because the narrative that I'm sharing is allowing me to feel like I'm justified. So I take this two-hour drive in the middle of the night. I get into the fight. And I was doing what I thought it meant to be a real man. But the consequences of that night actually led me to a felony assault charge. A felony. And that wasn't the worst part. I wasn't able to see my daughter for the next three and a half years. Not because I was tough. I got a felony because I had my feelings hurt. And I didn't have the emotional management skills to respond differently at the time.

11:35See, our community doesn't teach men and boys conflict resolution skills. In fact, when I came up, I learned conflict escalation skills, how to pop off. And I understand all the things that happened in our past and in the community and the world that has led to these conditions and those valuable lessons that weren't taught to many of us. But after bumping my head, after doing my work, I've realized the importance of men having actual emotional management skills. Having emotional management skills, not only to be a nice person, but to avoid life altering situations. Like going down that treacherous path of mass incarceration.

12:20Substance abuse. Domestic violence. Estrained family relationships. and statistically speaking, dying early. But I want to give some tools that could have been a game changer for me in my situation. And if you're someone who is still currently being impacted and influenced by that invisible yet potent misconception of manhood and masculinity, hopefully it can help you to avoid some of these life-altering situations as well. The first thing I recognize is I ask guys how they're doing. They say, I'm cool, straight. You know, another day. not often having the language to pinpoint an actual emotion.

13:01The feelings wheel actually gives us some language to identify and pinpoint where we might be in our emotions. I'll ask you how you're doing. Somebody might say, oh, this is what happened to me today. That is a story and that is not a feeling. So wanting to really provide a tool so we can say I'm feeling depressed. I'm feeling angry. I'm feeling happy. I'm ecstatic. I'm overwhelmed. There's a tool that was created by BEAM, which is the Black Emotional and Mental Health Collective, that really helps with de-escalation. And this tool is a strategy called PAUSE. Now, PAUSE is an acronym, and I'll break down each letter for you.

13:45And hopefully it sticks and it's something that you can share with your communities as well. The first letter is P. Pay attention. Think about a time that you were angry. Might have been recently. Might have been a while ago. But what were the type of thoughts that consumed your mind? Were they positive or were they negative? Most likely they were negative, which kind of sustains your anger. How was your body feeling? Were you tensing your shoulders? Were you forgetting to take that deep breath? Was your heart rate sped up? These are all signs that our bodies are sharing with us to let us know that we're in an escalated state.

14:31What story, what narrative are we sharing with ourselves? Because what we're thinking impacts how we're feeling and how we feel impacts how we behave. But if we don't have the language to identify how we're feeling, it can be hard to avoid that behavior that can really shift our lives. So pay attention. The next one is to assess. Assess what's actually activating you. What is this? Was it a tone of voice? Do you feel like you weren't being heard? What is it that was said, done? What is it about the environment that is activating you? You might call it a trigger. Do you know what your triggers are?

15:16Do you know the environments, the people, the things that activate you? That's a great place to start. Because if we know what activates us, maybe we can avoid those life-altering situations. The next letter is you. Understand. Understand the roots of our feelings. In my life, I recognized that there's a voice in my head often judging me, telling me what to do, leading me. And somewhere along my journey, I recognized that that's not actually my voice. So whose voice is it that's guiding you and your decisions? Is that a parent? Is that a teacher? Is it an older sibling? Is it a bully from third grade?

16:08What is the root of this feeling? Where is it coming from? What values of yours might feel like they're being compromised in this moment? Because if we can identify the root, we can get to the actual cause of this and we're not so susceptible to popping off. All right. Next letter is S. Set boundaries. Separate yourself. Ensure safety. I know sometimes I don't want to walk away. We're going to handle this right now. I've never known that to be the best idea. To be calm, to be cool, to walk away into a safe environment so that you're ensuring safety for everyone. That's what a real man does. It's not only about me sharing with you how I'm feeling and what I'm doing and trying to convey my perspective, but it's also about ensuring safety for everyone who's in this space.

17:06And that might mean stepping away and coming back when cooler heads prevail. The last one is E, to empathize. How are other people experiencing me? What point were they trying to get across? How am I contributing to escalating this entire situation? Because the truth of the matter is, when there's disagreements, there's misunderstanding. And if we can just pause and try to consider what the other people are trying to convey to us, it can avoid a lot of those life-altering situations. Being a real man isn't about dominating others. Being a real man isn't about proving to other folks that we are what we naturally are.

18:00But a real man takes time to think about the impacts of their decisions, to think about the folks who are being impacted by their words, their thoughts, their behaviors. A real man takes a pause. Thank you. Today's episode of TED Business is brought to you by Olympic Hospitality. The Olympic Games are coming to Los Angeles in 2028. This is a once-in-a-generation event that you will not want to miss. It's more than a ticket. It's a story you share with your family and friends. And the ultimate way to get closer to the action is with an Olympic hospitality package. Ticket-inclusive packages offer a range of prime seating and lounge access options, venue-dependent priority entry, food and beverage selections from LA's diverse dining scene, and elevated service and continuous support.

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19:11This episode is sponsored by Capital One. Capital One's tech team isn't just talking about multi-agentic AI, they already deployed one. It's called Chat Concierge and it's simplifying car shopping. Using self-reflection and layered reasoning with live API checks, it doesn't just help buyers find a car they love. It helps schedule a test drive, get pre-approved for financing, and estimate trade-in value. Advanced, intuitive, and deployed. That's how they stack. That's technology at Capital One.

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20:20That was Devante Green speaking at TEDx Inglewood. Devante speaks so movingly about the power of a pause. It's not just about following his acronym, but actually taking a real moment where you step back and truly reflect on what's at the root of your feelings. It's hard and often uncomfortable work, but Devante shows that it can be life-saving. So much of his practical advice dovetails with my research about where these feelings live in our bodies and how we can best manage them. I want you, yes you, to really think back on the last time you felt angry. What did it feel like in your body? And what does it generally feel like in your body when you get angry?

21:07I know for me, my thoughts get all muddled. I can't fully focus. And it feels like someone is stepping on my chest with a big boot. What about you? And how did you handle that feeling? Where did that feeling come from? What did you tell yourself at the time? And what could you do next time to process and create some distance instead of lashing out? Anger is a clever emotion. it often conceals something much deeper, whether that be hurt or insecurity or anxiety or grief. But there's relief in understanding it more completely, as difficult as that process might be.

21:48That's it for today. TED Business is part of the TED Audio Collective. This episode was produced by Hannah Kingsley Ma, edited by Alejandra Salazar, and fact-checked by Julia Dickerson. Special thanks to Maria Ladeas, Farah Degrunge, Daniela Balarezzo, Tansika Sangmanivang, and Roxanne Heilash. I'm Madhupa Akinola. Thanks for listening.

22:18This episode is sponsored by Capital One. Capital One's tech team isn't just talking about multi-agentic AI. They already deployed one. It's called Chat Concierge, and it's simplifying car shopping. Using self-reflection and layered reasoning with live API checks, it doesn't just help buyers find a car they love. It helps schedule a test drive, get pre-approved for financing, and estimate trade-in value. Advanced, intuitive, and deployed. That's how they stack. That's technology at Capital One. 500 orders a month was manageable. 5 ,000 is madness. Embrace intelligent order fulfillment with ShipStation, The only platform combining order management, warehouse workflows, inventory, returns, and analytics in one place.

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