Growing Your Career: How to ask for more — and get it | Alex Carter

0:00Hey, this is Elise Hu, host of TED Talks Daily. This episode is supported in part by Choiceology, an original podcast from Charles Schwab. Hosted by Katie Milkman, an award-winning behavioral scientist and author of the best-selling book, How to Change, Choiceology is a show about the psychology and economics behind our decisions. Hear true stories from Nobel laureates, authors, athletes, and everyday people about why we do the things we do. Listen to Choiceology at schwab.com slash podcast or wherever you listen.

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3:10Making a career change is never easy, but I think a lot of us are finding it especially hard at this moment because it can feel so impersonal. There are more AI screenings, more trying to connect over Zoom. It's like the human part of the process is slowly getting filtered out. That's where these talks come in. I've picked out a lineup full of tricks and tips to help you stay calm, stay true to yourself, and advocate for what you want and need. The job hunt can be opaque, overwhelming, and anonymizing. So let's shed some light on it together.

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5:37I have a very clear memory of one of my first negotiations, and it's because I was so nervous. It was my first time doing independent advisory work, and I needed to come up with a pay rate. I asked my friends and other people what they were getting paid to do similar work, And through my cursory research, I came up with a number that I thought was worth my while. I gathered the courage, and in a meeting with the hiring team, I said the number out loud. And then silence. Long, protracted silence. With the gift of hindsight, I recognized that silence is a good sign. If they had said yes right away, then I should have asked for more money.

6:25Instead, they said something like, we might be able to adjust our budget to make that work. And make it work they did. During that negotiation, I was a bundle of nerves. I'm glad I saw it through, but sometimes I do wonder, what would have happened if I couldn't stand the uncomfortable silence? What if I didn't have the nerve to ask?

6:49I'm Madhu Bakanola. This is TED Business from the TED Audio Collective. Our speaker today is Alex Carter. She's a negotiation trainer for the United Nations, and she's here to share her expertise with us. After years of experience, she's discovered that curious people, they're often the ones who make more money. Then after the talk, I'll share some strategies for elegantly opening up a conversation. But first, a quick break. And now Alex Carter takes the TED stage. The most important things I know about negotiation, I learned in a kayak on my honeymoon.

7:40Picture this. I arrive in Hawaii and I look adoringly at my brand new husband as we get in a two-person kayak together for a river tour. Then things go wrong. Fast. You see, in a two-person kayak, the passenger in the back, usually the larger passenger, is supposed to drive using their paddles. Well, I didn't like how he was driving. So I decided to drive my own way. And exactly at the moment I thought I had taken over, we flipped over. Three separate times. Apparently, we set a record. So I get back in the kayak, now dripping wet, when our guide up ahead turns back and says, okay, folks, let's negotiate these things to the left because you're going to hit that beach up ahead.

8:55Negotiate the kayak. In that moment, I realized that although I had been teaching negotiation for a few years already, I had missed something important. And I was not alone. A lot of us have misconceptions about negotiation. We're taught that it's a battle over money, that it involves losing. So we either fear it or we avoid it altogether. In fact, But 54 % of us didn't negotiate our last salary. That's from research, by the way. I'm not actually seeing into your souls. The fact is that before that guide, I had never heard anyone use the word negotiate that way before. I, too, had absorbed this message that it was a contest of wills.

10:02You know, like five minutes earlier when I dumped us in the river. But there's another way to think about it, isn't there? When I negotiate my kayak toward a beach, what am I doing? I'm steering. Today, I want to share five lessons about negotiation that just might change your life. And the first is this. Negotiation is simply steering. It is any conversation in which you are steering a relationship. And it's so much more than the money conversations. You know, just like a kayak where we want to steer consistently to get to our goal, We can be steering our relationships almost every minute of the day.

11:00You know, when I got back from that honeymoon, I looked around and I saw opportunities to negotiate everywhere. I could be getting to know my bosses better so that I understood what they prioritized most. I could be calling my clients regularly and asking them what was new in their businesses. And I realized something powerful. If we intentionally focus on the everyday steering, what happens when we do get to the money conversations? We are more likely to be successful. Which brings me to lesson two. Curious people make more money. There's one negotiation technique that most of us are not using.

11:56So years ago, a professor set people up to negotiate as part of a study. Only 7 % of those people achieved the optimal outcome. What did they do? Well, they didn't lead with their points. They asked questions first. Bottom line, in negotiation, you get more by asking questions than you do by arguing. But not just any questions. That 7%, they asked open questions. Questions that uncovered the other person's needs, concerns, and goals. And most of us aren't great at that. When I teach people about asking questions, I say, okay, I've just taken a trip. What can you ask me to get some good information?

12:52Top two questions they ask, I bet you could guess. Number one, where did you go? Reno, did you have a good time? Yeah. Two closed questions, two one-word answers. So, what's the best question? Well, it's a little bit of a trick because technically the best question of all doesn't end with a question mark. It's tell me all about your vacation. tell me is the biggest question you can ask, and it is the most powerful first question in any negotiation, at work or at home. With the hiring manager, tell me how the company sees the salary range for this position. With your teenager, tell me what's making you ask for a$50 a week allowance.

13:59Tell me gets you the most information, but it also builds trust, so it creates the best deals. Lesson three, the negotiation starts before the negotiation starts. Most people don't know that every negotiation actually comes in two parts. The second part, we all know about. That's where we're sitting down with someone else. But that first part, that's what I call the mirror. Because we have to negotiate with ourselves first, before we negotiate with anyone else. And it's the most critical part of the negotiation, too. because if we don't get this right, the negotiation stops there. We don't ask.

14:59We get confused about our priorities. We shut ourselves down before we give anybody else the chance. If you want to master the mirror, try asking yourself, how have I handled something like this successfully before? Did you know that research shows if we think about a time and write it down that we achieved great results before we go in to negotiate, we are more likely to negotiate well. Why? Because we remind ourselves of who we are at our most powerful. And we also gather data on strategies that are likely to work for us. Lesson four, land the plane. I worked with a brilliant sales executive who sometimes would lose deals because he talked too much.

16:01He'd ask a great question and then he would get scared of the silence so he would eat it up with his words. What do you need to get this done here today? Well, I know our price point might be a little bit higher than that of our competitors, But I think if you go ahead and look at our customer reviews, want to know the secret to great deals? Shut up. Recent research found that leaving a period of silence in negotiation not only made it more likely that the other person would give you a high-value move, but it also came across as collaborative. So, how much silence?

16:54I just did it. Three and a half seconds. See? You were nervous, but we all survived. That's what I call landing the plane. Ask your question, make your proposal, and then zip it. And finally, lesson five. Make your adversary your partner. It's 3 a.m. and you have five hours to go before the entire world is expecting you and several other countries to announce a peace deal. But right now, you have a problem because one of the other country's diplomats has left the building and is down in the parking lot threatening to drive away because he feels disrespected. This was the situation that one of the diplomats I work with faced.

17:55But a lot of us face things like this in our everyday negotiations. So much of the popular wisdom talks about our adversary, our opponent. Well, in most everyday negotiations, that adversary at the bargaining table becomes our partner once that deal is done. The boss who holds the keys to your raise, once you get it, you're working together. Or that home contractor you're negotiating with over your kitchen. Once you settle on a price, you're trusting her to build a room you're going to love for years to come. And even when your spouse might feel like an opponent, well, you're still sleeping in the same bed at the end of the day.

18:53That diplomat I worked with, he walked out of the building, down to the parking lot, and he approached the man who had left. He said to him, we are on the same side. He listened. Eventually, the two men walked together back into that building and later they announced that peace deal. My negotiation motto is this. I never request. I recruit. I don't want to talk to someone across the table. I want to pull them around with questions to my side of the table so that we are now co-conspirators working toward the same goal. negotiation is not a battle it is simply steering and if we lead with curiosity about ourselves and about others we won't just create great deals we'll create great relationships along the way.

20:11Speaking of which, you might be wondering, what happened after the honeymoon? Well, I'm glad to report that my husband and I have been happily steering together for 18 years.

20:36just not in a kayak. Thank you.

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22:49That was Alex Carter at TEDxReno. I love Alex's point about the role that questions and curiosity can play in a negotiation. One of the most important questions to ask is why? Why is that time frame important to you? Or why do you prefer that I work in San Francisco versus L.A.? It's really important to understand people's needs and interests, and asking why is a good way to do that. However, why questions sometimes sound annoying, like a little kid in the back seat asking, why is the sky blue? Why can't I eat that now? Why aren't we there yet? Why, why, why? So I encourage people in negotiations to dress their whys in what clothing.

23:42Reframe your why question as a what question. Like rather than why can't I work in the LA office instead of San Francisco? You can ask what is it about the LA office that makes transferring more difficult? Why questions can make people feel defensive, but reframing gives you the opportunity to get more specific answers and better understand the other party's true needs. And if there's any lesson you can take away from this episode from both me and Alex, it's that sometimes you need to zip it. I promise you can endure a little uncomfortable silence if it means standing your ground. And you might just be rewarded for it.

24:28That's it for today. TED Business is part of the TED Audio Collective. This episode was produced by Hannah Kingsley-Ma, edited by Alejandra Salazar, and fact-checked by Julia Dickerson. Special thanks to Maria Lages, Farrah DeGrange, Daniela Ballarezzo, and Roxanne Hylash. I'm Madupa Akinola. Thanks for listening.

24:59Hey, this is Elise Hu, host of TED Talks Daily. This episode is supported in part by Choiceology, an original podcast from Charles Schwab. Hosted by Katie Milkman, an award-winning behavioral scientist and author of the best-selling book, How to Change, Choiceology is a show about the psychology and economics behind our decisions. Hear true stories from Nobel laureates, authors, athletes, and everyday people about why we do the things we do. Listen to Choiceology at schwab.com slash podcast or wherever you listen.

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