The four steps to hearing hard feedback gracefully | Chris Wheatley

0:00With no fees or minimums on checking accounts, it's no wonder the Capital One bank guy is so passionate about banking with Capital One. If he were here, he wouldn't just tell you about no fees or minimums. He'd also talk about how most Capital One cafes are open seven days a week to assist with your banking needs. Yep, even on weekends, it's pretty much all he talks about. In a good way. What's in your wallet? Terms apply. See CapitalOne.com slash bank. Capital One N.A. Member FDIC. With no fees or minimums on checking accounts, it's no wonder the Capital One bank guy is so passionate about banking with Capital One.

0:37If he were here, he wouldn't just tell you about no fees or minimums. He'd also talk about how most Capital One cafes are open seven days a week to assist with your banking needs. Yep, even on weekends, it's pretty much all he talks about. In a good way. What's in your wallet? Terms apply. See CapitalOne.com slash bank. Capital One N.A. Member FDIC.

1:04This episode is brought to you by LinkedIn. Running a small business means every hire matters. A bad hire can cost you time, money, and momentum. A good hire, they can help grow your business. But finding great talent isn't easy, especially when you don't have the time or resources to sift through piles of resumes to find the right fit. That's why LinkedIn built HiringPro, your new hiring partner that screens candidates for you, so instead of sorting through applications, you can spend your time talking to candidates who are actually a good fit. With HiringPro, you can hire with confidence knowing you're getting the best talent for your business.

1:46In fact, according to LinkedIn, those hiring with LinkedIn are 24 % less likely to need to reopen a role within 12 months compared to the leading competitor. Join the 2.7 million small businesses using LinkedIn to hire. Get started by posting your job for free at linkedin.com slash tedbiz, spelled B-I-Z. Terms and conditions apply. Recently, I was talking to somebody about a frustration they had with their best friend. And it wasn't even a big deal. It was something small, something a little bit personal, even embarrassing, that got in the way of them being relaxed around one another. But the person I was talking to didn't know how this feedback would be received.

2:33I think we would all like to believe that we are receptive to feedback. No one wants to think that information would be withheld from them because of their perceived sensitivity or defensiveness. But how we want to act when we're faced with feedback and how we actually respond, those can be two very different stories. I'm Madhup Akhenola. This is TED Business, a podcast from TED. Our speaker today is leadership expert Chris Wheatley, and he's here to tell us that we all have a thing. You know, a thing. A thing we might not be aware of, but other people certainly are. And one day, they might call you out on it.

3:16To be clear, this kind of feedback can be so good. It makes you better at showing up in your personal and professional relationships. But it can be tough to hear, too. In this talk, Chris provides a game plan for embracing the feedback that can change your life. And he also really made me laugh in the process. Then after the talk, I'll share what siblings are for. But first, a quick break.

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4:59With no fees or minimums on checking accounts, it's no wonder the Capital One Bank guy is so passionate about banking with Capital One. If he were here, he wouldn't just tell you about no fees or minimums. He'd also talk about how most Capital One cafes are open seven days a week to assist with your banking needs. Yep, even on weekends, it's pretty much all he talks about. In a good way. What's in your wallet? Terms apply. See CapitalOne.com slash bank. Capital One N.A. member FDIC.

5:35And now, Chris Wheatley takes the TED stage. One of the most important lessons that I had to learn in my life is that when it comes to our growth and development, there is no substitute for a tough piece of feedback from someone who cares about us. And when we can make it safe enough for the people in our lives to tell us those hard things, it not only benefits us, it can spark transformation in our workplaces and in our families. And I learned this lesson the way that I learned most things, which is the hard way. And it was when I got a tough piece of feedback from my best friend at work, Christy.

6:15So I met Christy years ago when I left the only organization I had ever worked for to start over at a new company. And I was freaking out. and Christy was this incredibly kind and welcoming person who just really went out of her way to help me be successful and we became fast friends and then one day we got into an argument not uncommon for us we're both pretty stubborn and opinionated people and we resolved it and I thought everything was fine she had a very different reaction and the next day she came in and she gave me this feedback and I'll never forget it. She said, it just seemed like while we were arguing that you needed me to feel stupid.

7:04And if you've ever had somebody make you feel that way, you know, it's, it's awful. So here's my best friend at work, somebody that I care about. She's told me that I've hurt her. And so of course my immediate reaction is I get very defensive. so I remember running through all of this in my head, right? Like, how could you say that? That's completely unfair. I would never think that about you. And then I just listing off all the reasons that she was wrong.

7:36Now, thankfully, I didn't say any of that out loud. And all I could think to say in the moment was, thank you for telling me. And I meant it because she could have done so many other things, right? She could have gossiped about me behind my back. She could have gone to our boss and complained about me. She could have done what I probably would have done, which is just silently resented me and not said anything. But she had the courage to come and talk to me. And the truth is, I've gotten this feedback before. And the feedback is that when I'm not at my best, I come across as arrogant, condescending, self-righteous, and a know-it-all, which is a really nice combination and a great way to make friends, if you're interested.

8:27It's the thing in my life I am most embarrassed about and oftentimes ashamed of. And so I'm telling this to Christy, and I say, I know I do this, and I'm sorry. I don't want to, but I can't hear myself when I'm doing it. Can you help me? And she says, sure, I'll just tell you when you're doing it. Not like that. I meant, do you have a book I could read? Or like, I don't know, like a training or something like that that I could take? You know, we'll fix this. And she said, well, how about this? I'll just say, you're doing your thing. Worth a shot. So anytime we'd be talking and I would start a sentence with, well, actually, or something like that, she would just, hey, Chris, you're doing your thing.

9:11And it was so helpful. I needed the feedback. I could start to hear it, and so I could start to improve on it. Little embarrassed to find out how often I do it, but I did start to get better. And I noticed the transformation in my relationships almost immediately. My wife would later tell me that this whole process, it made it easier for her to talk to me, and that allowed us to have conversations that we hadn't been able to have up until that point. So I'm growing. My relationships are transforming. And then it started to inspire other people to do the same thing. And it started with Christy.

9:48She comes to me one day, what's my thing? And I kind of think we all have a thing, right? Like something that we do that we're not at our best gets in our way. And so Christy's thing, and I have her permission to share this, is, just to be clear, is that when she gets upset and she's not at her best, she can go from zero to a hundred in about two seconds and she'll say something she regrets. Okay. So she says, and she's like, yeah, that's it. And you're going to tell me when I'm doing it. No, no, absolutely not. Are you, are you serious? And I've been doing it for you. You have to do it for me, which is fair.

10:29So first time I had to tell or I'm terrified. Remember, she's upset. She's up here and I'm like, hey, buddy. I think you might be doing your thing. And she instantly cools off and she looks at me. She says, oh my gosh, you're right. Thank you. And then she started to improve. And then I felt safer to keep giving her that feedback. And both of us are like, we might be onto something here. well then there's a restructure in our department I become Christy's supervisor

11:07and one of the first things she says to me is I'm just bummed I can't do that feedback thing with you anymore why you're my boss I can't talk to you like that no I need you to talk to me like that and this is key because it's it's not just our own defensiveness that gets in the way of people giving us the feedback there's these other barriers like titles and roles that can make it feel scary to talk to us. I imagine you're probably not going to like walk into your CEO's office or something like that. I have some thoughts on your performance I'd like to share with you, right? Like you're probably not going to do that.

11:39I did have to do that once. I had to give my CEO critical feedback and she gave me a hug. And for just a second, I thought it was like one of those mafia style hugs. Like that was the biggest mistake you ever made or something like that. But it was genuine and it made me so proud to work for her. So I'm telling this to Christy, you got to keep giving me the feedback. And that has not been a problem, but then it started to inspire other people to do the same thing. So I've got this new team and they all come to me. We want to know what our thing is. I've got managers in other areas. How do we make this happen on our teams?

12:18But where this really broke open for me was one day when I was talking to my sister and I was telling her this story and how, hey, somebody at work said, I can come across as arrogant and condescending. Can you believe that? And she paused and she said, yeah. And I was completely blindsided, which doesn't make any sense, of course, because she would have been one of the first people to have to deal with this. And it turns out it had bothered her for a long time, but she hadn't talked to me about it. and she told me, there were times in my life that I really needed you, but I didn't call because I just didn't want to hear that tone.

13:06And that was so painful to hear. And it was the breakthrough moment in our relationship because now when she has a problem with me, she can just tell me. And that has meant everything to us. And after that, I was like, I got to get feedback from everyone. So I do this with my boss, with my teammates. I do this with my wife and son. My son will say to me, Dad, can I give you some feedback? I love it. I love it. Usually. Yeah, like. I don't always agree with it. But I'm such a better dad because of it. And more important than that is that it means everything to me that he feels safe enough to say that to me.

13:50and I've also had the opportunity to help hundreds of other people create similar experiences in their own relationships. Most of us, we want to have these important and difficult conversations, but we put too much pressure on the Christies of the world to show up again and again with the courage to say the hard thing, and that's a mistake. There's too many barriers to that happening consistently. As feedback receivers, we have to make it safer, and we have to lower the amount of courage that it requires to have that conversation. Now, thankfully, this is a skill that we can learn and that we can practice.

14:26And if you want to, you can use an approach that I use called receiving feedback with tact. So if you want to try this, pick someone in your life that you want some more feedback from. Someone who cares about you, but they'll be honest with you if you make it a little bit safer. And don't wait for them to give you feedback. Go out and ask for it. Just don't make the mistake that I made early on. I was working with this group of managers and I said, go out and get some feedback from some of your employees. And they're like, okay, how am I doing as your manager? And everyone was like, great. Why?

15:02It's too scary, right? We need to narrow that question. So I might say, I want to get better at running our staff meetings. What's one piece of advice you have for me on how I could improve? And then here's the key. It's how you respond. That's going to be the difference between you learning something and building trust with this person or the opposite. So when they give you the feedback that you asked for, you can respond with tact. So that stands for thankfulness, acknowledgement, commitment, and then we'll end where we began, a second thankfulness. So that first thankfulness, you're trying to calm down that like initial fight or flight response that you might both be experiencing.

15:41So I might say, that wasn't easy to hear, but I'm really glad you were willing to say it. With acknowledgement, you wanna make the other person feel seen and heard first, because that's your entryway into an authentic dialogue. They're expecting you to defend yourself. And all that's gonna do is just gonna shut them down or gear them up for a fight. You don't have to agree. Just acknowledge what they said, acknowledge the feelings underneath what they said, and then you can have a real conversation. and that'll eventually lead you to some kind of a commitment. If you agree with the feedback, it could be the behavior change you're going to make.

16:15If you don't agree or you're not sure, it could be to gather a few more perspectives and circle back. It could be that you need a little bit of time and space to process, but you're going to get back to them at a specific date and time. Just be clear what's next and follow through. And the second thankfulness is my favorite part because it's so easy to do and it's very powerful. What you're trying to do here is reinforce and reward the behavior so that they keep doing it. Most of us don't do things that are painful or unpleasant, like giving feedback, unless there's some sort of a benefit for doing it.

16:49So when the conversation's over, send them a quick text. Thank you. Or do what one of my colleagues did when I gave him tough feedback. He wrote me a handwritten thank you card. Just do something that makes it feel like it was worth the risk to tell you. So it's thankfulness, acknowledgement, commitment, and then a second thankfulness. Do this consistently and you're going to be amazed at what you learn and the ways that it starts to benefit your relationships. There is likely someone in your life who cares about you and has something to tell you that you might not want to hear, but it could change your life if you did.

17:25If you want the benefits of that feedback, ask for it and then respond with tact. I have seen it do wonders for so many people, including me. As I was preparing for today, I shared a draft with my sister. And this is what she told me. She said, Chris, you've completely flipped the way that you talk to me. And I can't even remember what you used to sound like. I can be completely myself around you, even though we're so different. So go out and get a tough piece of feedback from someone who cares about you and let it change your life. Thank you.

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18:42Get ahead of the curve with an LA28 hospitality package. Discover more at hospitality.la28.org slash TEDBusiness. With the Spark Cash Plus card from Capital One, you earn unlimited 2 % cash back on every purchase. And you get big purchasing power, so your business can spend more and earn more. Steven, Brandon, and Bruno, the business owners of SandCloud, reinvested their 2 % cash back to help build the company's retail presence. Capital One, what's in your wallet? Find out more at CapitalOne.com slash Spark Cash Plus. Terms apply. with no fees or minimums on checking accounts. It's no wonder the Capital One bank guy is so passionate about banking with Capital One.

19:28If he were here, he wouldn't just tell you about no fees or minimums. He'd also talk about how most Capital One cafes are open seven days a week to assist with your banking needs. Yep, even on weekends, it's pretty much all he talks about in a good way. What's in your wallet? Terms apply. See CapitalOne.com slash bank. Capital One N.A. Member FDIC.

19:56That was Chris Wheatley at TEDxBokeh. I loved this talk. Immediately after, I texted my sisters and asked so innocently, what's one thing I do when I'm not at my best? And boy, their responses came quick. One sister said that when I'm stressed, my need for control takes over, quote, like a demon. My other sister said I'm prone to isolating myself. Leave it to sisters to keep you really honest. So if you're feeling brave, I want to challenge you to ask someone, what's my thing? And one of the most important aspects here is thinking about who you'd initially ask. Who is somebody you feel close to, who you can trust, but also sees you're good, bad, and ugly?

20:43Maybe it's your best friend at work. Maybe it's just your best friend. But think of it as a feedback warm-up, a place to start and then branch out from there to get a wider circle of feedback from people who don't necessarily know you as well, but who still interact with you in the workplace. And I'm going to go one step further. Can you make a prediction about what they are going to say? Make a guess, write it down, and watch them take you in a totally different direction. It may be a bit of a shock, but it can be refreshing. You actually don't know how people perceive you, and you're not the most reliable critic when it comes to yourself.

21:23That, of course, is what siblings are for. That's it for today. TED Business is part of the TED Audio Collective. This episode was produced by Hannah Kingsley Ma, edited by Alejandra Salazar, and fact-checked by Julia Dickerson. Special thanks to Maria Ladias, Farah DeGrange, Daniela Ballarezzo, Tansika Zagmanivang, and Roxanne Heilash. I'm Madupa Akinola. Thanks for listening.

21:56With no fees or minimums on checking accounts, it's no wonder the Capital One Bank guy is so passionate about banking with Capital One. If he were here, he wouldn't just tell you about no fees or minimums. He'd also talk about how most Capital One cafes are open seven days a week to assist with your banking needs. Yep, even on weekends, it's pretty much all he talks about. In a good way. What's in your wallet? Terms apply. See CapitalOne.com slash bank. Capital One N.A. Member FDIC. With no fees or minimums on checking accounts, it's no wonder the Capital One bank guy is so passionate about banking with Capital One.

22:34If he were here, he wouldn't just tell you about no fees or minimums. He'd also talk about how most Capital One cafes are open seven days a week to assist with your banking needs. Yep, even on weekends, it's pretty much all he talks about. In a good way. What's in your wallet? Terms apply. See CapitalOne.com slash bank. Capital One N.A. member FDIC. This episode is brought to you by Capital One. Capital One's tech team isn't just talking about multi-agentic AI. They already deployed one. It's called Chat Concierge and it's simplifying car shopping. Using self-reflection and layered reasoning with live API checks, it doesn't just help buyers find a car they love.

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