Tom Davis: “I Was Sh!t At Everything!” – Scaffolding To Stand-Up & The Reluctant Vampire | EP. 424

0:00Chris Stark: Hello and welcome to That Peter Crouch Podcast brought to you by Pony Power. I've got Steve Sidwell and Chris Stark with me. If I'm not, I just should say, at the end of this episode, we've got your forfeit. Yeah. So please, please hang on for that. Because it's worth it. Is it? There was a trailer that went out, I saw. Very dramatic. It was dramatic, wasn't it? But it brought it back, all the feelings and everything from before. So yeah, give it a look. Let me know your thoughts. Let us know. The forfeit's done. It's for your pleasure. On to the next one. Let's do it. How was your weekend, guys?

0:40Chris Stark: How was your weekend? I had a lovely weekend. Apologies to the audio listener. Or not. You know what I mean? We might like a husky voice, but I have got a husky voice. Overexerted myself. And you do. As I quite often do on the weekends. But this was a wedding in Mallorca. Abby's sister got married to the lovely Scott, who obviously we've partaken in a few beverages with many a time. What a lovely wedding. How good is a wedding abroad? Well, I'll be honest with you. It's just got handbrake off as soon as you leave it out. Everyone is in a good mood because they're all on holiday. First night is absolute carnage, as usual.

1:19Chris Stark: But I thought that the place, the setting, the people, the entertainment the food the drinks it could not have been any better did you have any responsibilities on the day? absolutely none I mean I was a groomsman I was a groomsman I'm not sure if I was supposed to have responsibilities I got I mean I got ready with the lads and you know had a few beers but normally the groomsman there's you're assigned some sort of role whether it's and sometimes you've got to busy yourself you know in a way like find things to do whether it's sort of welcoming people in one of my groomsmen I got just because I got married abroad as well you're just handing out fans you know they felt a bit patronised by that role but you know it's an important role on a hot day no I liked it you didn't do anything no I didn't do too much there was a lot of groomsmen you've done nothing he's got a lot of friends you've done nothing I didn't do anything head of fashion anything head of fashion I provided all the groomsmen with suits there you go thank you for M &S for that what was it Was it actually?

2:24Chris Stark: Bespoke to a great service. They do. Are you jamming off? That's amazing. Brilliant. They were amazing. Listen, you know, we worked with M &S and, you know, know some of the people that I made the call. They were like, look, if you do, there's a lovely picture with the lads and this and that there. And they looked after us big time. So, shout out to M &S who kicked all the lads out who looked sharp, by the way. Very sharp. Talk about looking sharp. I love this the hoodie the hoodie is very good I was at the Watford game the other day and you know it's kind of it's hard when you start the season like this because you're in that you're in the sort of weather change you know the season's kicked off now that September month's a bit tricky it's sort of sunny in the day as it gets darker earlier you know you just get towards the end of the game so I just yeah bought a little hoodie there nice it's mad what you can get in a club shop now by the way here's the last time you've been in a club shop yeah I actually quite recently I was actually in Chelsea's club shop recently It was a birthday.

3:24There is everything. Everything. It's not just, you know, obviously shirts, training wear, leisure wear. And then it's not just pint glasses. It's not. It's everything. Garden gnomes. Little difference for the golf, you know. There's everything. I feel like I walk into the Watford shop and I feel like, you know, when they're going Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and the kid walks through and he's like just eating the grass and stuff like that. they've got everything mate I mean bed covers are kind of traditional aren't they but there's some really funky shit they still have the

4:00Chris Stark: baby's bibs like I'm a I'm a better dribbler than Messi there's baby's bibs there's there's Lego stadiums there's I'm trying to think but there's really left field stuff as well there's like there's obviously covers for consoles and covers for controllers tape measures you can get your club's branded tape measure that was one of them as well everything there's a gift for everything everything if it's not M &S it's the Hornet store I like this stuff he's horny for the Hornet store oh I am you could have I am could have done you're loading the store yeah you could certainly have wow it's yeah you've lowered the tone what I mean is I do take a lot of joy in going into that store.

4:48I think for me, it's the equivalent of, you know, when a kid goes into Hamleys or an M &S or, you know, it's that same excitement. Speaking of dropping a bit of money when you're out and about, have you seen the hospitality, have you seen the hospitality package that Everton are currently offering?

5:05Chris Stark: I've not been across this and you know, you're bringing this to my attention now. I've seen this this morning on the train. I, I could not believe what I was reading. Yeah. So this is a hospitality package to go to the Hildikas. This is not hospitality. This is beyond... You've got to read this. Come on, let's go through it. So this is called The Legends VIP Immersive Experience. At first, I thought this was made up, but I think it's true. It's going to cost you£25 ,000. £25 ,000. £25 ,000. But I'm going to talk you through what you have per person, by the way. £25 ,000 per person. Before you read this, I can't believe, considering it's David Moyes at this football club, I cannot believe this has been allowed.

5:45And then I really want to know your boys' thoughts, how you would react to seeing this play out in real life. Okay, let's start the list. So£25 ,000 per person, the Legends VIP immersive experience at Everton. There's a list of benefits that come with it. Stay at the official team hotel. Okay. Okay. That already feels a bit too much. Wait, you wait. Wait till this goes on. And it goes on. join players for selected team meals.

6:13Chris Stark: Okay. Travel with the squad. So you're getting on the bus with the team. So far you've done the hotel, you've had your dinner and then you're on the bus. Train with the teams at the official training day. Fuck. So yeah, so the Friday before the game. So the Friday before the game. Yeah, train with them. Yeah. Train with the lads. Observe selected team and manager briefings. That suggests to me you're in the briefings. Behind the scenes when they're picking the team. I mean, if you're a rival to this team, this feels like a lot of, you know, access. Okay, experience the pre-match team environment.

6:47That's kind of given really, isn't it? Attend the manager's team talk. Well, like pre-match, like pre-game,

6:54Chris Stark: just before they go out. You'll sit there. The piece is for the Friday and the Saturday. Listen to this. Attend the manager's team talk. Join the team pitch side for the warm-up. Yeah. I think that's just being on the side. That's okay. I assume you're not joining in. No, it's just too weird. take your place in the dugout as an honorary member of the match day team you could have sit in the dugout for the whole match yeah you're not this is a match day experience official personalised team kit you'd expect that legends team accreditation whatever that is and a signed team shirt you'd expect that that to me feels like aside from playing you're doing exactly the same so can I just say I feel like there's an opportunity for the podcast there

7:38go on

7:40Chris Stark: one of us does this experience there's potential for one of us if I saw Steve Sidwell on that day on that day and everyone goes why Steve Sidwell on the busy part of the coaching team or something the worst thing would be the day before like the travel with the squad on the team bus you're sitting on the team bus whilst you're going to the stadium and you're in the pre-match meal like the pre-match meal access all areas here I mean it's immersive isn't it well listen you can't say they haven't put it on I know it's expensive but who would be okay let's take the money side out of it but let's say we could scrabble together 25 grand who would be the funniest person to send on behalf of the podcast is or do we ring up Willstone Raider again and send him do you know what I mean yeah yeah Dev from Corrie Dev from Corrie would be a great show Dev from Corrie because you imagine seeing him you know from a player's point of view you would you'd be heckling this whoever whoever does this they're going to get I just I just think it'd have to be policed correctly do you know what I mean if the guy's got a little bit about him and he strolls on the bus and no one wants to sit down the back.

9:05It feels like, I don't know, it feels like if you can't vet the person who's paying this, anything could happen.

9:13Chris Stark: It all depends. And also, I don't know, if people could, a Liverpool fan or something can get hold of this information and it end up being, it could go wrong. You're going to see the manager, like with the tactics board. You're going to see him. You're in the meetings. You're seeing the whole lot. I mean, to be fair, it is some experience. No, I mean, listen, if it all goes to plan, I hope it does. I hope no one gets hold of it. I think it will be an amazing experience for an Everton fan. Okay. So it's not on the Games Gone board just yet, but it'll be interesting to see how it plays out. Imagine they offered a referee's VIP immersive experience.

9:51Chris Stark: It's the way the game's going. It is. Did you see Michael Oliver on Instagram? He's very busy on Instagram after games. Is he? Yeah, he does like a photo dump after the derby. He put up his sort of favourite pictures of him refereeing in the game. What about the VAR moment or the City United game? Wow. We'll go into that. I'm sure we'll get into that. It was Michael Oliver, that wasn't it? Was that Michael Oliver? Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you could almost bring him in on this chat, couldn't you? I need to go over there I need to sit over there We say he's arrived at the Chambol Oh good, all good Okay Well our guest for today Is Big Tom Davis Who I am a huge fan of I do love him And it's been long overdue Shall we get him on?

10:50Chris Stark: Let's do it

10:57Chris Stark: Okay, so our guest today is the legend Tom Davies. How are you, mate? Good to be here. Very excited. Absolute pleasure. Great company. Thank you. Now, just off air there, you were chatting about a barbecue situation. Are you a barbecue connoisseur yourself? I'm not a connoisseur. I like a barbecue. I'm moving into the big leagues, if I'm wondering. This guy's the Champions League of Barbecue. He's the king of barbecue. He's like the person you reach out to. It's like being a man in the mafia. You've got to go through Chris Stark. he's like so he's got every barbecue company sniffing about him and he'll find you he linked me up with incredible what's it called it's a Kamado Joe Kamado Joe yeah the wifi one yeah it's a lazy way I'm doing it it's charcoal and wifi it's incredible by the way it's incredible so you can sit you can sit watching TV spark up the barbecue from outside yeah and then keep an eye on it but I'm sorting all sorts of people out yeah it's genuinely I know he's the main man but like my problem with the whole scenario when it all started from was I feel like he looks down his nose at me for doing my barbecue I haven't got wifi I haven't got charcoal you've got charcoal on your bike you've just got you're just a gas guy yeah okay which is fine no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no

12:27Chris Stark: I'm basically just throwing stuff. But then it's mad. I get a number I don't recognise the other couple of weeks ago and it's like, can you show it as a barbecue? Jamie Redknapp. By the way, Redknapp's thirsty around stuff like that. Redknapp needs to see one person who's got something and he's on it. Redknapp's like a kid at school. Someone got a new pair of trainers and he'd have to have them. Do you like barbecuing Jamie? No, I just need that. I love Jamie, but I'm like... But it's great. So I feel like I'm supplying the industry greats with barbecues. Are you getting favours in return? Not really, no.

13:02Because my thinking with it is... You're an ethical guy, Starkie. Not really. But what I want to do is I want to sort of slowly bring everyone round to my way of thinking, mainly to shithouse yourself. Yeah. Yeah, I get it. You're always working. There won't be a person you meet who hasn't got one of these barbecues. No, no. Everyone's got... And then you're going to feel obliged.

13:19Chris Stark: Well, now I'm so like in, I'm like all in now on the gas one. Do you know what I mean? Because I've called him a barbecue. It wasn't a connoisseur. But I love it. What I'll tell you is you're doubling down on it. Well, that's what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah. Big time. But then why aren't you getting it the other way around? So we get, you know, these people coming through who are getting proper barbecues, right? You have people out of vans shouting, excuse my language, barbecue **** at me. Oh, yeah. And I'm getting this in front of my family. We've now managed to move that narrative on. We've managed to move.

13:50We've moved to a little village where there's no fans and everyone there's in the barbecues. To be a barbecue connoisseur, but why aren't people calling you gas wanker? Yeah.

13:59Chris Stark: That's a valid point there. Well, I don't know. There's a few gas wankers out there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, they're still there. Not quite as much. Chris is really getting a lot of us into the barbecue world. No, I understand. They are good. They are good. Oh, they're beautiful. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You want one? No, I've already got one. Oh, did we saw you? Yeah. Oh, great. You hook me up. Wow, he really is alienating you. Yeah, he is. Don't cross Chris Stark.

14:25Chris Stark: So what were you up to, Tom? What were you up to at the minute? I've got on tour at the moment, which has been fun, doing a stand-up tour, which is, yeah, tiring, but always fun. Managed to go out, and I had a lovely one, actually. I did two days in Norwich, and I was about to say this, but managed to stay over the night, and then I had two and a half, nearly three hours, just at the golf range. Oh, God. just bliss you know when you're just like I'm working out my yardage I say working out my yardage just like I'm Rory McIlroy just working out how far to the left I've got away

15:00yeah which is lovely I've got a new show on BBC a couple of other bits going on but keep him busy Peter I saw you do the golf life isn't it I saw you do that one and it inspired me to play a bit more golf because I'm so bad yeah but you're a hybrid off the tee as well yeah I don't take a driver. I've just done one with Beckett with me and Beckett. It's the work. But what I love is people diving in, giving advice and like sort of criticizing us almost like we're professional. We're two fucking idiots who are like out playing golf. It's a bit of a laugh. And it's not going to be a competitive game if you're not going to go, Oh, that's a beautiful shot.

15:37Yeah. Cause Rob Beckett's got a, he's got a golf chat. Is it a channel or something? So he's doing it, but it's great to watch because that's how I play golf. Yeah. You know, he's like just thrashing around I think it's the thing of watching two people but also me and Rob are as shit as each other so actually competition wise it's like you know when you see a punch up outside a pub when you're driving past you slow down outside of Wetherspoons and think these two look as smashed as each other this could go any fucking way I mean it's as good as fucking Fury versus Joshua you know what I mean

16:07Chris Stark: I have to say my favourite like I think he do or I have done his murder is successful oh wow I've always I've loved that honestly obviously cammy was was phenomenal what was your i mean i just think it's so incredible how you do that and is it really off the cuff like yeah really all improvised yeah yeah it was it was yeah it's a dream of a thing i still think about redoing it now i think it like it's the yeah it was just just so much fun and just rocking up and you'd have an idea of what it would be but people just brought cammy was a dream yeah cammy was like he just he's still he's maintaining to be like one of our close mates and we chat a lot but I love Chris and he's so fucking funny we'd have liked to have more footballers on it do you know what I mean but it was a weird time when they they vet like the first two series we just got we wanted the third series it was just like to vet everyone and the people we might want it's mad at the time I'm trying to think when it had been and someone came to me and wanted me to do a show with you called On the Couch with Peter Crouch they were pitching it and they wanted me to be on the me and you I suppose it was two tall guys but yeah I don't know how that would have gone.

17:14You should have done, I could imagine you doing, I think you'd like that immersive. You would have been sick.

17:19Chris Stark: I would have liked to, if you ever bring it back, you've got to give yourself all that's good. You'd be, you're a good laugher. So you'd have fun. Some people took it so serious, which was fun in itself because then you're just taking the piss out of them. But it's like, the more fun someone's up for it and more, and obviously we've kind of got to be quite self-deprecating and it was a dream of a thing, man. Martin Kemp was so clever. He was so clever. but I just think he took it so seriously the premise though are they supposed to be like because sometimes you can see them about to laugh I think Mark Wright was on it and you can see he's losing big time but do you like that is that good for the show if they lose it completely yeah of course because as a comedian you kick yourself wouldn't you if you came off and go I think they found that funny but they look like they're trying to keep it no no that's what you're trying to do and it's the different stuff that will make different people go no Chris actually was one of the harder people because Chris is very naturally funny Chris Kamara found quite and I knew Chris he was one of the only people I knew a little bit before he came on the show but Deborah Meadon for example was very serious and she took it all serious so I was just I'm just gonna fuck about as much as I can in any situation so it would just be constantly like um like if we were in if it was a bit with Cheryl Cole someone's acting Cheryl Cole and I'm like oh she is smoking she was very sexy and Debra Meadon was like we're here to solve a case and I'm like do you think she'd go out for a drink with me you think I should have had a shower and she was just like and she found it really really yeah and there was a scene of us in bed together where and she genuinely farted and I was like oh this is going to be amazing so she just let because we're just and we're like how that show would work is we'd have moments where you go oh you need those big moments so it'd just be glass, you know?

19:09So we'd have like, in that case, we had a stately home and we were like, oh shit, we just need, we've got 10 minutes to shoot a scene and I was like, let's just shoot something in the bed. So we were in this bed and I'm doing, someone in there and I'm doing this whole thing about how I've like become a policeman and I heard like a, and I was like, you just fired it. In the DIY voice. Yeah, and it just got, yeah, just got longer, longer, that thing. so it was a dream man and you learn a lot I never studied as an actor I never came into this business as like and I learnt so much through like and also just I think like just going by your wits and just having fun and just take the piss and just having a joke it was yeah I touch wood I think I think maybe we'll do it it's a thing that if there was anything I'll bring back it'll be that

20:01Chris Stark: I hope so I absolutely loved it you would be great you'd be one of those people I call genuinely I understand. Well, if you do, I'm on. Yeah, you'd be great. How did the stand-up and all that start? You said you did a keg about me when you started. Yeah, so I was scaffolding, and we went on a Christmas do, and I split up with a girl I was seeing at the time. I went to a Christmas do, and Mickey Flanagan was there, and he was at Bethnal Green, I can't remember, the Backyard Club. And Mickey was just doing, it was before Mickey was really famous, he was just doing the headline set. and I was like just in awe of it and I'd been working on sites for years and I sort of was a bit lost I guess in life and afterwards he was at the bar and I just chatted and I was like how did you get into this and he was just like he was just fucking go and do it and just basically he was just like just you know book 10 minutes to open mic so two three months later I booked to go and do an open mic and one of my first jokes I had because obviously I go on stage and you've got to use the fact you're tall so I used to do a thing about like Peter Crouch is like he's become like our sort of he's a guy making being tall cool do you know what I mean Peter's like this guy he's like the forward runner he's like the Rosa Parks of being tall everyone like you know so I did this whole thing of being tall I said you know all of a sudden having been teased my whole life for being tall it's acceptable I mean it was acceptable up till that dance and then he put us down to the fucking bottom and giving that fucking thing it was like yeah so it was one of my first bits no way yeah so yeah Thank you for Peter We're all breaking through Peter and Greg It was a time for the tall person Yeah And we got I don't know if you know but Chris He'd done a He'd done a set the other day It was the first set It would be nice for you to maybe analyse it after But at one place I didn't realise I mean He's a funny guy though He was But there's a difference I think between having being funny on the radio being funny on the podcast actually standing up and going like these people are here to be entertained you know what it is is when you meet people and people think uh oh if i'm really loud and funny i'll be hilarious on stage and usually if you're a good stand-up you're funny but you're watching people because that's what you're going to talk about usually the people who yeah you have it at gigs and some you know some melt will come up oh fuck it i think i could do that and i go and try i've done it at gigs where someone's heckling you go just come on say a joke go on stage and do a joke and we i did this indigo and we got this guy up and he smashed it over his head and he froze.

22:36And I went, go and say something. And he went, I'm on stage. And I went, no, you've got to say a joke, mate. Say a joke. And he went, I don't know what to say. Well, it's hard, isn't it? It's harder it looks, you silly prick. It's even fucking harder if you've got an idiot like you shouting his mouth. And he just like, people don't see the difficult and also it's just hard to, yeah. It's not even just saying jokes though. That's the thing. It's like, I think, I thought it was so, but you're like, people are going to hear what happened, but it's a, it's a lot of faces just staring at it. It's like, I think you've got to have some sort of aura to make it work.

23:09Yeah. I think as all it, I mean, it's, I found it very easy for first off, I think, because I came from, I was naturally shit at everything I'd ever tried. So I didn't have a very low expectations of what I'd be about. I wasn't like going into it thinking, this will be the thing that I do for forever. Like I listened to you on the overlap podcast and I thought it was one of the best interviews of I think every young person who's you know going through school might be a little bit different I think it's one of it's an amazing interview that and I think myself when I look at it I think I naturally was never that good at certain any you know so I think when I came to stand up I was at a point in my life I was 32 I don't think I came into it going I'm going to be naturally brilliant at this so I didn't think I was going to crush it but it's hard for you you're coming up you Chris start you're a great career and there's going to be a certain amount of expectation on what you're going to do anyway for me I'm I'm like, if I'm shit at this, it's just going to be another thing that I'm fucking awful at.

24:02What made it worse for you was that they turned the lights on as well. They turned the lights on? They made the lights sort of like... I don't perform well with the lights on. Well, because it was a forfeit. No, mate. You can't even now. I get to a theatre and I go, I don't want to see anyone's face. Because it doesn't matter where you get in your career, you're zero on and the one person going...

24:28you had the lights on you're hearing a bit it was did it go well I don't know we'll let people decide you're a funny guy it was alright you've got the best in yourself deprecating do you know what I thought I think I took a bit of a EU approach which is like I just thought you're only going to do it once so try and talk do you know do it as if you are doing some stand up comedy I was at a thing recently and the worst thing you can see is there was there was a bbc presenter and i'll tell you his name after this um and he was host he was he has a charity night right and he had this we had like an amazing group of comedians all doing this charity and we're all told do 10 minutes no longer you gotta do just 10 minutes right so we're doing 10 minutes and he's like i'm gonna go and say some words um you know just do a couple of minutes just to say about the charity oh cool that's good that's good and Jack Dee's headlining and Jack's one of the greats.

25:24He's like, and this guy goes out and he gets a laugh after about two minutes and it feels nice. It's like, oh wow, you could see him. He did about 25 minutes. He's up there chasing the laugh and he thinks he's funny. That's the way he's going. So he's, and you're just watching Jack Dee, he's one of the greatest ever to do it. He's watching Jack go, fuck it. This is going on and on. 25 minutes and he can't get another laugh so he's just chasing it and chasing it and it's just if that's the thing where you watch and just go oh no that's that's the worst it's so like when you die up there it's terrible so your first one was 32 that was the that was the first time you did stand up 32

26:02Chris Stark: but did you you know when you obviously were you working on building sites you were scaffolding yeah scaffolding Sid's family comes from a family of scaffolders so and he's told me what it's like on site and obviously the I suppose the camaraderie and a bit of ripping each other yeah yeah did you reckon a lot of your stand up subject would it come from that yeah originally yeah I think it's like I mean scaffolders have got a certain swag about them they've got a certain way about them I think you learn it's a pretty bit like being in a dressing room I think being a footballer you it's banter isn't it I think it can get misconstrued in this day and age I think it sometimes will be over steps of mark I think but for the most part everything I learnt as a guy growing up was on I left school young I was on building sites from a young age so everything I learnt was from geezers on site scaffolders I did a little bit hog carrying whatever labouring I mean by the way when I say scaffolding I was a labourer I never I was fetching shit even at 32 I was watching people who were like their sons who had been working with their dad fucking I was labouring for people's sons I was terrible but but yeah I think that banter and the piss taking nature of it and it gives you gives you a sort of tough thing your thick skin do you know what I mean you know you're six foot seven you know it's like the banter straight away is going to start you know so in the cafe and all that there's obviously a bit of work getting done as you can probably hear in our podcast in the Chumbawamba but one of the lads a couple of lads made me laugh so much today I've walked past and I've heard they've given me of all people

27:44Chris Stark: you can't do this in this day I've got a stand-up about that. Because that's been ruled out now. Yeah, I've got a stand-up about that. Do you know what I have said? She's like, I've heard that's been ruled out. She said, I used to love those.

28:00I can't do it. I can't move for some. I used to be like that. You're walking past. Is that bullshit? Smells like it. I mentioned last week, the game's gone outside. I don't know if you noticed it, but the talk about labouring, the rope and wheel it's electric yeah that used to be my favourite bit the fellas just like press the button yeah mate when did you see that that was my favourite I used to love the rope and wheel that used to be the one yeah mate yeah I was terrible but all the shit I think like my first or second day I remember we were on a flat roof and they were all going right we're going to go down for lunch and they pulled out all the ladders I was on the top of the flat roof they pulled all the ladders they all went down the pub for about three hours and just let me and it was the middle of summer sat on a fucking flat roof come back with a cheese sandwich and a warm can of coke there was a video recently of that there's a kid climbing up the ladder he's got sand on his shoulder and everyone and it's oh god this is I was like this is just it was every day and if you're lucky you just had a day where it wasn't with the crosshairs going on you but yeah I think it's it's character building to an extent do you know what I mean and you sort of yeah and do you know what it's a mad thing because a lot of those it's a trippy thing where you know you sort of footballers you came into this at a young age I was 32 when I got into it and I'll bump into like I'm in town sometimes I'll bump into a guy he's a scaffold with and he's like it's because I used to make prank prank calls was my thing I used to if you're in the truck you'll know so we'd just be in the lorries and I'd be like phoning places doing prank calls I phoned um I phoned like fucking number 10 as Tony had I phoned like stupid things and just do prank calls all the way because and people go if I ever looked I was fucking useless if you yeah on site if I ever it looked like I was losing my job you're going to lose my job because I wasn't before I'd just step up the prank calls water balloons off the side and so people go he's the cheapest person we've got here I was like a really good squad player he's good for morale he's under 25 years doing that

30:06I still think we can make 500 grand for him he's only on the bench I'm the football criminal I was like Scott Carson in the Man City That's what I was like. Nick in the living, just there going, oh, Scott's great though, isn't he?

30:21Chris Stark: Oh, God. Well, we've got to get into West Ham. So how does West Ham come back? Are you a family of West Ham fans? No, not really. No, we used to, I went with friends and family. My old man loves to obsess with football, but he'd take me everywhere. I'd go and watch all sorts, clubs all around London, all around the M25. He just liked going and watch football. And then I sort of went to West Ham with some family and just become obsessed. So like, you know, years of Trevor Morning, Martin Allen, Martin Allen. And I've been to other grounds. I've been to, I've got a lot of Chelsea pals. I've got a lot of, but West Ham just, was the one that I just really enjoyed.

30:58I sort of just felt, I guess, a place there. And I'm a football geek. I'm a nerd. I love football. Really? Yeah. Like, I mean, it's just, yeah, probably was a virgin till I was 36. I know, I used to go. You're in the right place here, son.

31:18Together. We're like fucking four-year-old virgins. I remember that film with me, you know, two tall guys. Just watching fucking stats. There you go. There's the news that come there, isn't it? But I used to know, like, I'd go out of France and watch, like, fucking French football, like, back in the day of, like, when Nantes were an amazing team. I had a mate, Patrice Larko, this incredible forward I used to play for Lyon. I'd go to watch Bordeaux when they had like Zidane, Lizarazu, Dugari and all that. So I'd be obsessed with going.

31:48Chris Stark: What, just off your own back? You just go, and you kind of watch those players before they've gone through. Yeah, yeah. So I used to just like French football and I'd go and watch, like even now if I'm on tour sometimes, I'd just go and watch like non-league. I love football. I just think it's, yeah, I mean, it's like I'm talking, I'm preaching, I'm preaching to convert it, but I think it's the best spot and I think going to different places and watching. West Ham is, you know, it's my club it's a club I adore why West Ham was it Upton Park I think it was Upton Park the feeling of it the fans I think it was a very special place to go and watch football and I think there was an air of like I don't know I think the football is a bit like music isn't it I went to watch Chelsea a bit I go and see but West Ham just there was something about it that just and I just loved the and even now I love the fans I love the feeling of being at West Ham I think that's slightly gone now I think you know maybe in a championship this year we might bring it back somewhat i think it's i mean i've done the worst thing this season because i've never ever gone x or twitter wherever it's got this year i've been really vocal i went really in on no no stupidly i went fuck it it's because it's been so hard i think over the last few years i think the board has made it harder definitely but then maybe in a weird kind of way regrouping in the championship like this and look at the start yeah it's going okay maybe having a season of this might help with the identity of the whole club.

33:09I think the identity I don't know. I just I think the identity is everything though isn't it? I think when you look around and certainly in the last couple of years where you're looking at your you're not the aspiration isn't to you know Chelsea Arsenal, Liverpool, Tottenham or even Tottenham who again I think are also struggling with that sense of identity but your Brightons your Brentfords your teams there where you look at and go they've got a clear like I know someone who works he's just retired actually Peter who's one of the top guys at Brighton and the way that Brighton they'll lose the manager but they'll know the guy who's going to keep the ethos keep those young and I think Brentford now you think like when Thomas Frank was leaving you go Brentford but for then Keith Andrews to come in it seemed like he's almost stepping to the upper level so as a West Ham fan you're just looking at that and you're going we're so far off this there's not a feeling there where you go and I think when people talk about West Ham way that's obviously a look back to sort of past glories but I think just going what is our way and what is the way that we play and I think that I think for me it's certainly like talking about my past when you're scaffolding when you're working and football is I think there's a certain amount of working class people that have been strangled out of it now but I think like when you're spending that money to go and watch something you kind of know what am I watching this tribe that I'm affiliated with what does it actually represent and what does it mean and I think that's the thing that's been lacking there I think that's the thing hopefully that I look at some of the young players that we've brought in you know who feel like I think Jared Bowen what he's done is pretty incredible to have stayed on another year.

34:39And I hope that that's going to, it's going to send us in the right direction. But I think you're emotionally, I don't get emotional about many things. You know, family and football. The rest of it, I'm pretty, you know, I take in my stride. Like I say, but football and certainly West Ham, so the way I feel about that club and that isn't, I probably, you know, aimed that and being aggressive in the wrong place. But I think seeing what the board have done and hearing stories, I don't know quite a few of the players, I think that sometimes feels like this has been mismanaged and it's not been, you know, you want just to see your club being treated in the best possible way.

35:14Chris Stark: The frustration is it's like, cause it feels like you don't mind losing games, but you want to see a path or an identity or a manager or something you can get behind. Like if you're bringing through youth players or young players and they've, they've got heart and soul for the football club, you don't mind losing games in that manner. Cause you know, they might get better and you might and you'll win kind of your way it feels similar because I class Everton to a similar degree that capacity it feels like the fans they're there and they can be aggressive when they don't like things similar to West Ham but when if you give them something to get hold of they'll be with you and they'll carry the football club I think Chelsea like that I've got a lot of Chelsea fans I think Chelsea are disenjoyed I think they feel a bit disenfranchised from what the club represents and I think that's and I think the trouble is we all feel there's a sense of entitlement now to how we feel as fans I think like years ago it would be insane to have any idea what the board were thinking or what was going on upstairs in the football club but now because of social media and the way it works we're constantly after explanation we're like what's going on well we said when we sold Freddie Potts this summer we were like why why would you sell him he's a good young player but actually when you break it down you speak to people inside the cup it kind of made sense and it's great for him he's going to go and play in the Champions League but no one's kind of explained that so you feel like why are we selling a kid that it could easily come walk into this championship team and I suppose that's the thing I think you I always tread carefully I got in a lot of trouble when we first moved to the stadium I did this really passionate outcry about moving in I saw it and then that day West Ham we lost to Burnley I think and someone went into the centre point at that centre circle and stuck a flag in a half way in the centre spot and there was like riots at West Ham and they try to fucking go oh Tom Davis inside like inside some sort of but I get very passionate about it because I want West Ham to be I think the and I think you know it's the it's the thing you get joy from right as a fan do you get to the stadium much you get to the stadium I get there a bit not as much as I probably I think now fortunately fingers crossed being busy being a dad you like my main obligation now is you know to be there for grace I want to be around I want to like do you know what I mean so if I'm working a weekend like this one and I know I'm or I'm on set and I've filmed all week it doesn't feel necessarily like I'm just off to the football so I'll get there as much as I can but you want West Ham to be in a place where she will enjoy yeah yeah yeah I often think that with my kids right now I'm like come on I'm burning through a lot of these years at the moment I'm happy to take the hit for it please have this sorted I'm really struggling to get my kids to love Watford and to be really engaged with the club in amongst all their mates who were wearing Arsenal shirts.

38:07But in a way that could probably happen because if they were flying now, you'd be like, it's only going to be a matter of time before we go shit and then it's going to be... I want it good for them. Yeah. I want them to enjoy their success. But go on, Chris. No, I was just going to very quickly ask. I don't know if you were at the game last Friday and you see West Ham play the way that they do. Yeah. How do you feel about, you know, there's talk at the moment about like romping the championship and potentially doing that. Will that give you the satisfaction or is this just an over sort of, like this hungry urge to get back in the Premier League?

38:38I think the same thing is, it's like a few games ago, we'd lost to Charlton. We, you know, I was sitting in, I was out in Portugal in a bar watching the West Ham game. I was texting Romesh about, it's the worst thing about it, I suppose, when your best mate's an Arsenal fan and he's gone, they've just won the championship they've just got through to the Champions League final

39:02Chris Stark: Has he been really supportive? It's the only thing he's like he's my best but it's the only he gets really like down about it and he's going oh you know we nearly got Vinnie Jr. We just met I said I was texting Gordon I'm like I was genuinely I think I had to go into the therapist because we didn't get Troy Parrott I was genuinely like seeking out calling my therapist going I think I need to come back and see you we've not got Troy Power I've got my shit together and I'm like literally like like you know we've been relegated and then so I was stable there was that was on behind me and then we were two now up against Burnley we weren't playing very well but I thought yeah this is alright and then to lose it so we have a ropey old start really the Southampton game was great we played kids that we looked good and then all of a sudden but then all of a sudden now we're in a we've hit even against you we were terrible against you we didn't play well at all we were very lucky it's a different league yeah but also then all of a sudden you start playing well so you could then just oh no we're going to run home there is someone for every club saying that they're going to be relegated there's probably even someone for Arsenal you know there's someone who publicly has come out and gone everyone goes in on Arsenal I don't know a lot of people come for me on this podcast about I don't back Arsenal enough I don't back them but I think the insane thing is I was listening I love talks but I was listening to it on the way over here and the insane thing is someone was going oh yeah they've got a really good squad now they've got two players for every position I'm like but that's what good teams Man United when they won the treble in the late 90s they had two players for every that's what when you boys were fucking a Chelsea smash in Liverpool that's what you do a good squad it's a bobbin squad it's insane for us we do this with half the players we've got seven out we should be alright shouldn't we let's talk us through the West Ham great times what was your favourite times I know obviously when your Open Conference League was was fantastic yeah it was incredible Harry Redknapp days Harry Redknapp days were yeah because I was of an age then Ducanio that kind of era Ducanio was but that I think when that lot were about coming through of Lamps and Rio Carrick that was yeah Carrick Carrick used to get quite a lot of stit he was a muster player guy he was incredible to watch but Glenn Johnson and then you still had those older like Ruddocks and and people were still like you know knocking about a bit they were they were great days Ducanio obviously that was he was I think Payet Payet though I think Payet he was that you know that last season at the Upton Park or as people just sort of calling it the bowling ground yeah it was insane on that last year what the fuck yeah just to get a bit more nostalgia about it we'll just change it yeah I don't know but that yeah Payet and Lanzini and some free kicks he was scoring he was just I mean mate he was up for the Ballon d 'Or and he was playing for West Ham it's fucking insane yeah you look at that so you know and there's moments and we've you know and out of it you have those I think that's the thing sometimes those talisman watching you know Mark Noble I adore Mark I think Mark was just I think that was the thing like you had him and then Declan it was like it was almost like Star Wars do you know what I mean Obi-Wan passing the fucking lightsaber down all of a sudden you had Declan coming through and you're like oh fuck Luke Skywalker is better than Obi-Wan you know what I mean he's like and Declan was just just a joy I'd seen Declan like in like a under 21s or reserve game and like I also have this weird relationship with Declan because and you have this with footballers I don't know if you have you've worked at least it's a fucking mad thing because I don't really I get starched out a bit and I've been fortunate to work in stuff with good people but I can meet like a fucking 18 year old footballer and listen to him like I'm 10 like you meet Declan Rice he's half my I'm old enough to be Declan's dad you know what I mean right and I find myself being a Declan's company he could say anything and I'm just going oh yeah that's right I've forgotten more than he knows I've had a fucking I've had a whole life if I meet Declan I'm actually like a 19 year old kid you know just stick with it oh thanks mate cheers oh thank you but he is definitely one of those my accountant Dan I will give Daniel a shout he's a big West Ham fan he was the same he used to watch 21 games I think under 18 games and I heard his name so I've like I haven't really seen him play and Danny was like this boy will captain England and he said that at I think 17 I think he was he said he will captain England and I just hope he does it at West Ham and I was like that's a big call I put a tweet out like that he was remarkable to watch him come through do you know what I mean and every time expectation got bigger he just mounted up and he is a lovely lad he's a great guy sorry top guy proper nice bloke you know so watching him come through and I think that was and then culminating in winning the trophy I think that was that was incredible and Jar I think I look at the young team now that we've got and it's exciting to look around that team and think I know you know what we've got some but you always need at least one of those one of those West Ham in particular has always had that player and it has been passed down weirdly you know even to Deke you've got Jarrod you know who will be next?

44:18Chris Stark: What does it make of Jarrod Bowen staying? I mean he's for me it feels like he's cementing himself as a he kind of was a West Ham legend anyway but I think the fact that he could have probably gone elsewhere and he stayed and if he gets the team back up I mean I wouldn't have wanted to be a moment ago and tell Danny that he's leaving I think he I think he loves the club and I think he's happy where he is and I think in the modern game of football I think that's just such an amicable thing I think he I've always thought it's a weird thing is that I'm you know just openly I've never been a professional footballer that's not right how are you at football terrible as you could I'm what people when they saw you what they thought you'd be like that's exactly what I am my Sunday league I played at the Sunday league team for about 15 years and I was a fucking sub at best a man marker they bring me on to do a hatching Sunday league my whole and I'd love it if I got four minutes I'd go right we're 6-0 up we might get you on for a little run out I'll go fucking hell yeah get all the cars loaded and we'll give you four minutes I burst the ball standing on it once really yeah that was my level Peter yeah so but I always think when you get to a level and it's a very I think where you are with Jared is like it would probably have been easy to have gone to a Newcastle or whoever else was sniffing about him it would have been an easy thing to go up that but actually for him I always think to actually sort of have like a legacy somewhere how important that is in the modern age to then go you know what he feels like that's West Ham's his club and that's his thing and forever more you know hopefully that favour is return from West Ham and fans I think he can you can afford now as a player especially when you come down if you come down it's a big club that's not expected to come down you can go I love it here so much I'll give it a year because we should really come back up so all I'm missing out on really is a year outside the Premier League so it's still fine you know I'm enjoying all my family life.

46:21I'm enjoying the football club. I like that. Like, you know, if you come down and go back up, it's fine. It's just a mess. So I think that's, that's where I think he's being gone. Do you sort of need to say that in some way up front? Otherwise, does it, does this constant conversation happen around yourself, which is a bit. I think we came out that he didn't, he wait. Obviously for him as well, there's got to be, there's such a mess at West Ham. I think like the board and everything, we know, none of us know what's going to, what the future looks like. I think, you know, the talk of Amanda Stavoli or you know Kaczynski someone's going to come in and buy out a club and so for him there's probably needed to be some sort of assurance of like like where is this going what does this look like what's the next three or four years because I think once he stays that's it now I don't I think if we go up he's not going to go up oh I got you up I'm going to slip off I think and I think he's a talisman I think he's and he's really started now I think hitting his pomp I think he had to adapt like you were saying he's got to adapt isn't he to the it's how the league is there so but I don't you know he's such I felt I felt really harsh I think he was the one player I felt actually going to that World Cup we get at times we could have really done with I felt like actually on the right I think he actually does like I think Saka for whatever reason as a big England fan I've been around I've got you know the sad tattoos but I love watching England I've been around I love England you know but I felt like there I felt actually in some of those games actually having someone a bit more dogging and someone like his director's Jared on the right might have been a better thing I think at times actually there I couldn't I've got to say I'm yet to be Tuchel I wasn't enamoured with no I felt I felt you know what in a bit like a boxing scenario he ran his mouth about Gareth Southgate and I think he was pretty disingenuous I think if you're gonna like what he said I think was pretty I don't think it was cool anyway I think people forget I think you know the job that Gareth did to take us from what was quite a toxic part I mean I was watching a documentary the other week what would the England team look like to what Gareth did as an England manager and people forget that first tournament he took us to and Trippier's free kick and Dele Alli and the football we played that and then I think you know the weight of expectation then gets loaded on your shoulders and yeah we were probably too negative at times but there was times where we took good teams further in the game and I think actually you know he was taking players like Cole and Phil but I think with this and then for Thomas Tuchel to come in I think actually should have just been I think a bit more generous in his you know but to say I'm going to play without the handbrake and I watched that World Cup thinking this is this doesn't feel like and actually you're playing players here and that's not getting nothing against the players but you're like this doesn't feel a system that's openly like we're going at people I think we you know I sat up till first thing in the morning watched that Mexico game and like everyone else you know could get through like I've been with the cartel I was buzzing I was jumping off the walls but when you go back and watch that game and you haven't got the grandeur of what's actually going on you go have you done that because I was so wrapped up in a moment in that game I haven't had a chance no no I went back and I'm like I'm a nerd nerd and I went back and I was like this isn't we haven't you know I went to every tournament that you'd have played in I was obsessed and I watched those and I genuinely thought at least when you watch those games I think there was more hope there I watched Thomas Tush and actually sort of if I want to be I actually think he'd sooner be critical of the players and England and whatever rather than actually look and tell and all of us are going to get better if you go how do I get better what did I get wrong and it felt like Thomas Tuchel was just like pointing the finger at this thing or that thing and actually just felt I thought the Mexico game I mean like this must be me remembering it it was very late at night boys it was different to where you were where your boys watched so I remember I fucking loved it I loved the intensity I loved the stadium I loved all of that from watching it.

50:16It's interesting what you say about the comments because I really agree with that in that one thing with Gareth Southgate as well is since he's left I'm aware that I'm doing the same thing to Thomas Tuchel I'm criticising people to Gareth Southgate. But Gareth I think Gareth That's all he does if you're in the English I'll be getting criticised. But he hasn't said anything. He hasn't he doesn't go out and say anything about it anywhere. He hasn't as far as I've seen anyway. He's kind of had a bit of a quiet dignity to the time that he's had when he's left.

50:44Chris Stark: he deserves a huge amount of respect Gareth Southgate he's changed a hell of a lot of dynamic behind the scenes and with the players and the staff he's brought I think the nation kind of back loving their players again and it wasn't there when I was certainly when I was playing no I think that's a strange one though because I think when you went I think we I think we just had those squads were so good like the players in those teams and also I look back then and think football was I think it's so much more corporate now I think there was more it sounds a weird thing but like certainly with you like you know you're a player you come from a family scaffold people thought there was a more synergy between almost like it felt like most of the players even though they were millionaire players it felt like they might well have been playing in a wreck with you as a kid do you know what I mean that's maybe age do you know what I mean but as a part of me as a fan felt a lot more of an identifiable nature to when you guys were playing I think now it feels like a corporate more of a corporate thing and that's just I think that's the world I think that's how they've had to I think these young boys have had to you know you've had to wrap themselves up in a little bit of cotton wool I mean all four of us on social media we know how that goes down but we're all a bit older and we can probably take that on the chin more but it can go so if you're a kid and you're going through and you we see at the moment with Ollie Scholes who plays for West Ham he's had a couple of bad games and you see on social media I've done it I can't see it it's fucking hard I'm being very like hypocritical because I do it I do it about Nuno So what are you up to now then you've got the reluctant and Vampire I've seen you're on tour The Wolf for now you've got the romantic yeah yeah The Wolf yeah The Relaxed Vampire comes out I think October the 4th I believe okay which is great so it's Eric Malkin one of these books kids books and the Gibbons brothers who do all the partridge writing all the writing for partridge they've basically developed them into these episodes the sitcom and it's really it's really family friendly you're saying I think it's one of those things where I got a call about it I went in for a meeting and having read the script I'm like this is brilliant it feels like a really fun thing to be a part of and the cast is unreal Joe Wilkinson Asim Chalvey Sian Clifford it's really good you know good stable of comedy people and it was just it just felt like it's a nice thing to you know I feel very blessed you know because I was doing that and then you're doing a bit and a gentleman and you're doing different things and it's felt very family orientated and you know and as a dad now you want to be doing stuff it's a mad thing to have done the things where you, my little girl, my little girl thinks I know Paddington.

53:14It's bizarre. The boy does every, if you think about, he was in Willy Wonka. Yeah. It's magical. my daughter was at school when she felt like, you know, she's just started with reception, but I'm going to teach her, what's your dad doing? She went, he was in prison with Paddington. Nick, I've done a 10 stretch.

53:36Chris Stark: But all he had, I mean, do you enjoy like the acting? I love it. And the boys, is that kind of thing or just stand-ups I suppose where you probably feel most at home maybe but yeah the acting I love I think it feels like it's a very yeah it's just trippy I've never done because I've never studied I've just never done any training you kind of go into it and you've sort of you know that thing's snowballed I guess in a way so it's something yeah I love doing it but the stand-up is yeah it's the best man you're out you know and it's like a bug it's like golf it's like anything where you can get obsessed.

54:10With the acting thing, is that kind of like a you said you've never done it before, so when it comes, is that a nervous one where you go I've never done this before, or like do you have to did you get sort of coaching or training or did you just sort of go into it in terms of you're right, right, this is who I am, this is how I'm going to be this is my own way. I think I was lucky enough to do stuff where I watched good people and everything I do is I always take back to, because I'm obsessed with sport, I'm obsessed with sports people like biographies and you know and how sports people get so when I started stand up I never I looked more into how boxers would would get into like boxing and how you get into the mindset to go out and fight rather than listening to sort of a comedian talk I just felt like that was a way that I could understand it more so when you're getting nervous the fact if you can feel like I'm sure the other day when I'm sure when you guys played you know like what is the difference between excitement and anxiety and nerves so how to harness that so when you're at the back and you're like you hear the crowd and you're like oh shit i'm about to go on like you can you feel like this almost panic but actually you've got to go now this is excitement and this is just the feeling i'm gonna absolutely buzz tonight rather than going oh shit this is gonna go so that the acting was i was really fortunate to to pick up things in other people's work i i and and always i've always tried to of the notes.

55:31I've had my career where I've just gone, like for example, I did a thing called Thousand Blows with Stephen Graham and Peter. And I had another thing on the table, which was probably better money and might have been a bigger, certainly a bigger thing to do for me as a showcase. But this is quite a small part. And I thought, but I'm going to be working with Stephen Graham every day. So if I'm with Stephen Graham, hopefully if I do my job right, I'm going to come out of this infinitely better actor because for me, he's the best actor working today. so I just spent time with Stephen and watching Stephen and from there you come out of it going I've got a bit more of a clue what I'm doing and that was you know it was only a few years ago so that's how I and I think when it comes to acting you've kind of got a there's a certain level of imposter syndrome but again you've just got like I say you know I listen to your overlap I come away from that I was like I think you're one of the funniest people there is I think you're so quick but I actually listened to that and I came through it as went for exactly the similar things that you probably my allies were probably very similar know jimena's growing up and tall and what the preconception of that is but look like i was like that that's the thing i find inspiring do you know i mean you listen to footballers but you know and you get that side of boxers golfers and i think actually that's you know that's the side of it where i mean you're a sports nut right so i find that thing always triggers more than listening to an actor and also it's probably an element of classism now if i'm listening to a footballer or a boxer or golfer they usually probably kind of come from a similar background if i'm listening to a guy going the thing about acting is you have to really feel the moment I'm like fucking I'm like I'm like I'm like I'm like but the idea you went and did this I think there'll be a lot of people listening to this now hopefully who are hearing that you can actually start just by starting and doing something and potentially it will just lead itself into the various different things that you've ended up going into and I think like my expectations were fucking low I certainly had no like idea of that it would lead to where it has and I think that's the thing like in life I think like you know if you can put a little bit of a pause on that golf is the best thing I think for anyone who doesn't play like because you can go but I think the actual feeling of going out because anyone starts golf they're useless at it and when you hit that first shot you go that first good shot you go oh my God and then you hit 20, 30, 40 really bad ones but then you hit another good and actually what happens is you start going oh what if I level down my expectation that every shot's going to be good the ones that are good I can start working towards that and actually I think golfing because it I go out some days and that's my hobby if I've got a thing right if I've got a bit of time I'll go to my missus right I'm going to go and play golf and on about the 12th hour I go what the fucking am I doing this why am I playing this I'm so anxious I'm angry I'm losing I've lost money I've lost money I've lost balls why is my hobby a fucking game that makes me feel like an absolute loser and everyone else is effortlessly crying what do you play I'll follow well alright I'm still in the woods on the 12th I'll see you back at the 9-8-12 yeah but then we come back for more yeah yeah but it's character building again and that thing of like those gigs I did and I did stinkers man I did like gigs that were just but I'd always have something where you go oh that made them laugh and I think but then acting becomes more of a team sport and you're in something and you're like Murder and Successful was always like how do you find a way to make Debra Meadam funny.

58:53She's naturally quick, but how do you get Jamie Lang to, you know, and I think that as a person, I always try to, yeah, I guess just pick up things as I go along and hopefully learn.

59:05Chris Stark: No, well, listen, it's been brilliant, mate. It's been a pleasure to have you on. We've got a couple of things just before you go. The FIFA, in bold there, there's a Darren Huckabee. Oh, we've got the FIFA one. So I played with Darren Huckabee, firstly. FIFA is another one. do FIFA I'll try care for him Darren because I like Darren he's a lovely guy so the FIFA I have a really addictive personality that's one of my problems in life so you know sometimes that could be yeah that could be golf whatever sometimes it's out whatever during COVID I was like most of us I was like what the fuck am I doing I'm not acting I can't do stand up what am I doing so I started playing FIFA and then I got into ultimate team in a big way I'm starting to play starting to play look at the weekend league but quite came everything I'm like I've got to win 30 games this weekend I want to be fucking one of the best FIFA so I'm kind of obsessive right so I'll get a FIFA coach I'll get a guy so this is so what's the thing is that this is so look I'm sitting by the way this is as vulnerable this is yeah Steve Steve this is as vulnerable as I go yeah I need to be better of this.

1:00:20I had a bad week I had like won 11 games had my ass torn out for the other night. I'm like fuck me this is not this isn't good I'm going to have to bring like a set piece cut I'm going to have to bring someone in I'm going to have to change the backroom staff out. So I start looking like you know these people who do like the YouTube like tutorials. So I reach out to one of them I'm like look bro like you look like you know what's going on and he went oh I do you know I do some coaching. So I've not seen it I just see like you know these videos you can see. So um so I was like oh yeah that sounds amazing so he's like you know by a block of 10 by a block of 10 so then I'm sitting there on a fucking of an evening and my wife's like you know at dinner I go yeah I've got to go let's get some work done sat there on the edge of the bed like that this kid and he's like 17 he's from America and he's like hey man and then he'd be going you know do you want to do sad pieces today or work on the fencing and I'm like yeah let's do some defensive drills.

1:01:20My virginity's growing back. It's a defensive drill. A couple of defensive drills. I'm fucking so cocked yourself and I'm walking the edge of the bed like that. And he's going, yeah, defensive drills. So then it's like, you really got to slow down the attack. You got to take your time. So there's this kid, right? So I'm sitting there and I'm doing this and I'm slowly getting better at FIFA. I'm working my way out of the rankings. And this one night I'm doing these lessons and I feel a presence in the room. I look around and my missus is standing there and she's like, what are you fucking doing?

1:01:53This happened to me. And I went, I'm just playing FIFA. And she went, who are you talking to? And I went, Aaron. And she went, who fucking hell is Aaron? I went, he's a FIFA coach. And she'd stared at me and I swear in my life, I've never seen anyone who's like the ick just fucking. She looked at me and she went, you've got a FIFA coach. You sag s***. I walked off. And I go like, and Aaron goes, who was that? And I went, oh, that was my wife. And he went, oh, usually guys I train don't have wives. Honestly, Steve, I left forward, turned off the fucking PlayStation. I went downstairs. I was talking to him again.

1:02:34Gaslit him. He's texting me going, are you on fuck off, Aaron? You're on fuck off. Shut up, Aaron. You silly fuck.

1:02:41Chris Stark: I said the exact same thing. So I got into Call of Duty. It's a few of the last. Big time Call of Duty. I went a bit deep on it. and I need to get better I need to get better and I'm playing non-stop but bear in mind I've got the thing and I'm going like frag out you know and all that I'm going frag out cover me I'm going in and all this and anyway I've looked around just bizarrely I've looked around and I've seen it and obviously she's there but she's been locked out for an hour and a half and she can see me and she's banging on the door but I'm too I'm too deep in like you know I'm like modern modern warfare I mean Afghanistan you know we've got a team of people I can't let them down and I've seen and I actually thought to myself I wonder I could leave an effort just finish just the world and she came it's life and death in it she came in and went nah she said that he's done that was the end of me she put me down to the point where it was difficult to take well my message yeah I've seen my message is very much like she's not when I go oh this is embarrassing for me to tell this story.

1:03:48She's like, okay, everyone sit down and have a glass of wine. I'm going to tell you what's so fucking lucid I've got fucking in my life here. Yeah. That was a bleak one. Oh, well. I've opened the can again. I've gone back in. Oh. I was like, not working with a coach, but yeah, just like career mode, do you know what I mean? Sensitive, do you know what I mean? Slowly, do you know what I mean? It's like any addiction. It's like the first hit of meth. Before you know it, I'm sitting in an alley sucking someone off. I'm going for it.

1:04:18back in with Aaron you still have your handheld though he's still no

1:04:21Chris Stark: no no I'm the phone oh mate Tom listen thank you it's great to have you on mate really is mate I always admire you from you know all the things that you do and stuff like that oh bless mate likewise can't wait to see it see some more of it mate you're a legend bless guys thank you very much cheers thank you guys

1:04:50Chris Stark: Okay, Tom, what a lovely fella he is. Legend. Tom Davies. I do love him. I like how passionate he is about football as well. I like the fact he's a nerd. I liked about the fact he was a virgin until he was about 30-odd as well. There's a lot of Korean stories. A lot in common. Yeah. Did he actually say that? I think he did, yeah. I don't know if it was a joke or not. He did say it. Totally in cheek, I think. Yeah, it was totally in cheek. Nice guy. but yeah great I think it was nice of us as well given he was a scaffolder to have all the sort of building noises around for that chat it didn't phase him well it makes him feel comfortable yeah exactly right that's what we do create environments for people to flourish talk about flourishing this next part of the podcast is supported by Pally Power I am not flourishing I am I've just got another point I've won three points now Sid's on five points and Starkey really is flourishing Double points.

1:05:46Chris Stark: I'm on 10 points. You're flying. Incredible. You're flying. Although. You're a new man. Yeah, yeah. I didn't really get many points for this weekend, just gone. I did move away from Christian Ritten. I'm not sure. I might have to head back. Well, what I've realised is I'm going for outlandish scores and none of them are landing. And it's worrying me now because obviously I've seen what you've done. I mean, at the end of this episode, we've got your forfeit. And I just don't want to be, I don't want to be a part of that, really. I don't know, there were some freak results, wasn't there, on that one?

1:06:23Yeah, it was a bit weird. Lullaby, Fulham, you wouldn't have thought, we all thought, didn't think that Fulham would go and get something there. But they obviously come way of a draw.

1:06:31Chris Stark: Yeah, and good to see Hove Albion play so well. Yay! There they are. Oh, it's green, man. It's quite nice. It's quite nice because it's just, it feels like it's another week where we got another week on summer if we hit the ice cream van. Do you know what I mean? Because it will stop at some point. It always does. As we head towards the colder months. But no, still. That's some good feedback from Hove Albion. Yeah, what were they saying? Just the fact that none of them really care. Like really. They're actually quite, people in Hove are actually like, yeah, thanks for giving us a shout really.

1:07:01Yeah.

1:07:02Chris Stark: Because Brighton do seem to get a lot more of the... I've really noticed it this week when you hear people talking about the games. It's, you know, quite flippant or wherever you're listening. We'll speak to the Brighton manager. Let's hear from Brighton. Do I mean? So if anything, Crouchy, I think it's a lovely thing you're doing. And also I noticed the beautiful city of Hull have been thrilled with what we've done for the place. I saw the visit Hull had put pictures up of the marina and quotes from the podcast. So all in all, I think it's a green light to both Hull Marina and Hove. Hull and Brighton.

1:07:40To Hull and Hove. Who's up?

1:07:42Chris Stark: To Hull and Hove.

1:07:46Chris Stark: Right. Just a quick bit of admin before we get into the games as well. We've got some crackers this week. The coffee thing's blown up, hasn't it? I don't know. Obviously ordering. We've been inundated with them. We've got a canoe. Someone sent us a video ordering as canoe. I think we do one after this, lads. I know there's a coffee shop on the way home. I don't know how you feel. You fancy it? I don't know. try it out I was thinking maybe go Brazilian you know like old school Brazilian though if you went like Socrates Zico and Jairzinho who's Jairzinho in

1:08:26Chris Stark: could be good could it I think let's do it alright have a think of a name don't say it now because I sort of want to hear them shout it and that'd be the first time I hear okay alright you just whisper it our rules need to be one at a time you whisper it well we go we go let's all go one at a time on our own I think our own ones yeah okay let's do it you see quiet and we only hear each other's when they shout out perfect yeah alright let's get into a coffee 11 before we start coffee 11 we've got Alison Beaker oh yeah Alison Beaker Ben Flatwhite nice lovely Harry Maguire Bruno Alves Bruno lovely yeah Esquil Levesa oh Levatsa ah Levatsa okay nice Declan Ice Latte Steve Ginger always a classic Bruno Fernandes Cup of Joe Cole Dimitar Berber Toffee Oberfemi Espresso Martini Hatterbelter Jack Whip Creamlish

1:09:31Chris Stark: Martin Oatstergaard LaMarcus Peen and you've got the Cobby Strainer I like that Thanks for sending it in. We'll have loads more into Bournemouth, Liverpool. Of course, with Bournemouth, Liverpool, we've got 21-10 Bournemouth and 11-10 Liverpool. I don't know what you feel about that, but I mean, Bournemouth have a real chance. I covered Bournemouth on the weekend to be Brentford. They absolutely, I would say they battered them in terms of chances. I think they had 20 chances, 10 on target. You know, they can't see games out at the moment, but they should have should have Adam dead and buried I mean it was 2-2 in the end but Bournemouth very very good very good and you should watch Liverpool golf against Fulham not a great result for them no I don't know where we sit still a work in progress for me for that one Liverpool where is this at Bournemouth it's that Bournemouth hmm I'll go 1-0 Bournemouth I'll go 1-0 Bournemouth really yeah yeah I didn't see the Liverpool game what was the deal there it just wasn't no they have to they puffed it wasn't I don't mean you create it enough move it quick enough yeah wasn't full of my distance don't watch the highlights don't get me wrong I didn't watch the full game I'm going to go Liverpool win okay I might go the other way actually did have my head I'll continue in my Christianry campaign I will I'll go Liverpool 2-1 okay I'll go 1-1 that's a bit of everything there We do have Paddy's boost, of course, lads.

1:11:07Chris Stark: We each pick a leg of the CrouchPod bet builder. Those odds on that bet will be boosted by 20%. It'll be put on the special section, the website or app. Player to score first. I'm going to go with Isak. Nice. Okay, I'll go for a player to be carded. I'll go for James Hill. And I'm going to go player to have two plus shots on target. We're going to go Gakpo. Okay, good one. Odds are correct. So I'm recording. Please gamble responsibly. bouncing on to Newcastle versus Hull um Hull how good are they doing by the way yeah staying up I believe so I would say yes out of all of them I think so I think it came up everyone embracing the mauling now as well I was really bored in the Watford game actually I tried to think of some more for you I was it was I love Watford but it was it was so boring the Stoke game for a large part of it um I was thinking more by the tigers than I think you get stung by the hornets what was you doing there playing Stoke I thought you could get turned by the potters and then the best one I thought of was you're getting sucked by the toffees oh it's a good one to do when you're trying to fall asleep think of more of them yeah no that's a good one yeah I like it you alright okay Newcastle Hull oh this is a tough one this is a tough one this is a close Hull's done I've done brilliant I'll go first then I'll go with I'm going to go 2-1 Newcastle I'm going to go for 1-1 draw I'm going to go 2-0 Newcastle win alright let's move on to Tottenham Villa call indifferent to say the least I suppose I haven't scored yet I know worrying very worrying he won't have that as well Deserby listen here they will I do believe in the process I do believe in Deserby they will come it will get there but at the moment she kind of even creating sort of chances as well they are missing some flair players it'll be a matter of time before Madison's back and stuff so it will come together yes I mean to this point here I think I'm leaning towards Aston Villa well they weren't great on the weekend I know they were I know they did I know they did but I just think you know when I mean when is Tottenham's turnaround when is it I mean and they're at home as well when they're full at home moment isn't the best, is it?

1:13:33Did you see at the Villa game, did you see all the away fans doing those all gone quiet over there to the, the stands, the empty stands? We need to get this, we need to reach out. Is it time? We heard from the Villa people yet? I think I was a slight

1:13:45Chris Stark: concern about how Villa are playing at the moment for them to get involved in our YNCA chat. We're ready when you are, if you could just pick up the performances. And Zanzi goalkeeper, that's a work in progress as well, but we'll get back to Villa people really soon. I'm going to go, I'm going to go now if you don't mind but you go Chris if you're in I'm going to go with 2-0 Villa I'm going to go 2-1 Villa no no no I'm not actually I've got I've done my I've just got excited can I resist yeah go thank you I'm going to go 2-1 Spurs so what made you change that so you've been on because I had in my head it was Spurs you jumped in with 2-0 I was slightly concerned that I needed to latch onto the 2-1 thing and then I realised yeah then I realised it had gone the other way no I've gone Villa so you've gone 2-0 Villa yeah you've gone 2-1 Spurs I'm going to go for a horny draw again I'm going to go 1-1 well this is great I mean this is a this is a good week huge weekend huge it's exciting it's exciting I don't think it's going to Hove or Hull if it is that forfeit by the way unbelievable okay I mean to play us out I mean if you want if you're listening to an audio experience it might be nice to move over cheap feet YouTube just to watch Chris and his stand-up show for the Paddy Power Forfeit.

1:15:15It's intimidating. It's like being what I imagine what it's like when you die. I'm scared. It's going to be the longest ring walk in history. You wait till light comes from New Oh, shit.

1:15:33He's fucked. All right, I'm at the top secret comedy club. It is the time to do the forfeit. I've been dreading this day for weeks, but it's all fine because I've got a mentor, an incredible Andrew Mentor. Yes, I'm here. It's going to be great. Let's go, brother. Chris, how are you feeling? How am I feeling? I'm shitting it. Forget about the 200 people. You just battering with the person. 200 people? Yeah, yeah. You just battering with the person. I thought it was a little comedy. Nah, nah, this is a big deal, bro. 200 people? Yeah, in the room I would do, 220, I think. 220, yeah, yeah. It's calm though, you don't even see them.

1:16:10He's shitting himself. My nightmare scenario is being on a stage or being in a place where there's loads of people there and there's no music and no one's laughing. and that's basically what the boys have thrown on me today so let me explain what's going on so obviously with the podcast me, Crouchy, Siddy every year we do the score predictions whoever loses has to do a forfeit there's not really anything for the winner oh okay it's all about the loser it's stick not character the whole thing so every year there's a forfeit and you just don't want to lose because the forfeits are heavy okay I lost our football prediction League.

1:16:53You know, a lot of people do this with fantasy football. I lost, so my forfeit is going to be, I have to do a stand-up comedy set tonight in this proper stand-up comedy club. That's good. That's a good forfeit. And you've been recruited as my mentor. That's a good forfeit. So what, have you never lost before? I have lost before. I'm having flashbacks to the cheerleaders.

1:17:19Chris Stark: Up, pull, down, back, together. Yeah, I always think, like, for your first one, the dread of it is before you go on. But once you're on there, you'll be fine. Do you think? You'll be fine. As long as you just stick to what you're saying. Just sell what you're saying. So whatever you've wrote... I haven't written anything. Are you just going to... No, so I've got a plan. Oh, my God. So... Oh, no. So... Siddi came and met me in the pub before, and I'm trying to sketch out on my hand a couple of things that I can maybe talk about. One part of me just goes, just reel off a load of jokes. The other side of me goes, maybe just give it a go.

1:17:57Like, do it like some of the comedians you like and fuck it, like what is the worst that can happen here? Wayne told me, I don't know what he's gonna do up there. But he is going, I think he's going in with an idea. But I just told him like, he's a naturally funny guy. So just be funny and then the material will follow. That's how they say it. Don't hide behind your material, get in front of your material. it's five minutes right I can go out and we just talk for a bit and we see how that goes yeah when you say talk you mean just say your thoughts are you going to talk yeah like maybe talk about life things okay I like that I like that that's good stuff but what are the and here's what I'm thinking so the listeners of this podcast they've all sent in loads of jokes and things like that okay but tell me if I'm wrong if I just read out joke after joke after joke that feels like that's not really stand up no but you can do that There are one line of comics that do that stuff.

1:18:52But you're not that guy. Are you saying I shouldn't have cue cards? Nah, man. I think that's cheating, isn't it? Nah, nah, nah. Don't have the cue cards. But one thing I would say is you obviously got great banter. So you should talk to people in the crowd. You reckon? I'm telling you. You've got to think about banning your friends, yeah? Or banning on the pod. Yeah. When you're bantering each other, you're not thinking about what you're saying. That's true. It's calm. It's the same thing. It's just that 200 people are watching. The best thing that can happen today is that it goes well and before you know it, you're a comedian.

1:19:24That's how easy it is. That would be good. I'm actually proud of you already. The fact that you didn't do some little, like little 50 seat a gig or 20 people gig. Straight in. You went straight in, I love that. Premier League. Straight, diving straight. People like, for me to get in this club, it took me like three years of hard graft. I know, I don't want to disrespect. You win your first track, so enjoy it. That's what I mean, I don't want to disrespect the turf. They said I could have QCOS. I don't think that's right. Just enjoy it. You should do it. Definitely take that emergency joke, sir.

1:19:54Just tell them, listen, that's my first time. If it's going bad, I'll just refund this. Worst case emergency jokes over there. All right, brother. Nice one. It's hot in there. It's hot in there and I'm stressed. Love you. Just have fun, bro. Honestly, it'll be so good.

1:20:10How do I think Chris is feeling? I hope he's absolutely shitting himself. I hope he feels sick. This is a forfeit, remember? so I want him to know the pain he needs to go through because I've done this. In actual fact, I actually think he's got away lightly. He's doing five minutes in front of strangers. I've done an hour sitting naked in front of strangers.

1:20:34Bearing in my eye, listen, I wouldn't want to do a stand-up comedy for five minutes, but yeah, I hope he's shitting himself. I'm scared.

1:20:43Chris Stark: What's this Netflix vibe we're doing now? What is this? Chris is nervous. I've known him a long time now and you can see he's flapping a little bit. Flapstam, he was called earlier. It's not ideal. Listen, it's a forfeit. Unfortunately, you're going to feel uncomfortable. Let's not dress it up. I was a mascot last year.

1:21:14Chris Stark: Not ideal. He deserves to feel uncomfortable. He lost the league. And obviously that's the whole point of the game. We want him to feel as uncomfortable as possible. Your last words to me were, if you're going to do it, do it properly. Enjoy it. The listeners have all said in jokes, right? But you've said, I can't really use cue cards. It'd be cheating. I just think just reading gigags and stuff is, I think it's... I think if you're going to go for it, you've got to go and try and be a comedian. Fine. So what I've got as a compromise is I've got all the jokes that all the pod listeners sent in.

1:21:51I've got an emergency, like break glass for an emergency joke. Brilliant. And then my plan for the first three, four minutes is just to go out and talk. You know, a bit like, oh, I was with the wife the other day. I can't wait. I can't wait. It is so good. It is so good. I said to the wife, it's King Kong's balls, not... I didn't even know that one. Yeah, okay. Is that one of them? No, so I say it's no, so I'm thinking... No, I don't want to know. I don't want to know. Where did you write this today? Yeah, I've just been in the pub. City came and let me in the pub, and then we both just come here.

1:22:25I haven't told City anything. A few of these pals were there, and they were like, listen, he's nailed it. He was like, he's good to go. Yeah. They're confident. They're pissed. What's your deal? Are you going to be anonymous in this thing? Hopefully. I don't want anything to do. I've got to be honest, if I can't think of anything at all, I'm going straight for you. I'd like to wish you all the very best. Thank you very much, mate. Thank you. Let's try and go for a pre-beer.

1:22:56Open the envelope! Oh, God. You could get it after a minute.

1:23:02Chris Stark: We kind of want him to bomb. It's 250 people, we've seen the room, it's big. It's a lot of people in there. And these are proper comedians. We spoke to some of the comedians, they're like, this is like elite level comedy here. And it's never done anything like this. So good luck to him. You wait till light comes on you on the stage. This is my moment. It'll go slow-mo. This is my perfect. What if I piss myself? I've got a secret feeling that he could absolutely smash it, but obviously in a forfeit world, I want him to crash and burn. If he lets the crowd know that it's his first time they'll be on his side and they want him to do well, because comedy before being funny is about being likeable, so if the crowd like you, you're barely at 70 % there.

1:23:52I'd love to talk about my bollock, because I think it's an easy win. and fuck it. Like, if I'm gonna have a bit of bad news in my life, I might as well use it for some good. So maybe my bollock could be my cheat code today. What do I, how do I think it's gonna go? Erm, he's fucked.

1:24:17Come on then. It's gonna be the longest ring walk in history. Yeah, why is it so extra? Why are we doing the ring walk?

1:24:30Okay, alright. Here we go.

1:24:38I'm getting marched here, sort of execution. The ring walk is brilliant mate, it's just so good.

1:24:44Chris Stark: I can't believe you've got a full on ring walk to the comedy store. 250 people. Oh, it's a lot, isn't it? You got this. I'm telling you. We're crossing? Yeah, we're crossing. We're going down there? Oh, shit. Oh, no, he's not having it. Oh, sorry. All right. Chill out. Mate, two in's that way. That's another good one. Best venue in the world, and you're hitting it on your debut. Yeah, it's hard to start that side. Yeah, yeah, sure. I'm trying to remember if there's like a little story from my life or like, you know, I had this idea that perhaps I can go on and just talk about a couple of things that have happened to me from my past.

1:25:29But I can't really work out how to make a joke out of it. That's the problem right now. I feel like you're the equivalent of walking up to a penalty and you're changing direction. Stick to what you know. Yeah, that's actually it. You need to stick to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's actually it.

1:25:44Chris Stark: It's your second guessing, you're doubting yourself. Stick to your original plan. Yes. I'm also a bit, a bit pissed. That's nice, pub. That's lovely. I think I've been there. Long for head. Long. We'll have a couple of pre-gig bebs in there since, can't we? Yeah, yeah. While Chris goes downstairs. Hey, hey. Oh shit, we're here. Fucking good luck, pub. Thank you, mate. Hey, this is great. Hey, look at this place. Hey, proper comedy club. Shit. Look at the other four of the legends on the wall. Whoa! Look at this! Wow! Woo!

1:26:26Chris Stark: This is so random. This is so, oh my god. This is absolutely random. Wow. Oh, dear. Oh, no. You are crazy. I don't know why you like that. I actually think that's going to get a little more. Is this the thing? Yeah. Oh my God!

1:26:50Chris Stark: Oh shit!

1:26:55Chris Stark: Here you go! We've got to see your family! We've got to see your family! I think worse come to worse, I could just get the prosthetic out. I mean, if that don't get a lot, I don't have a will.

1:27:17I don't get nervous anymore man, like DJ, big places, do big things, this is really intimidating. There's big comedians, like I'll tell you what did it when we were walking in and all the pictures on the wall of all the biggest comedians in the world. Look, they're not going to know who I am, but I just feel like I'm in a nightmare. it's like one of those stress dreams that you sometimes get. I feel like I'm actually in it. I don't seem to be waking up. Good luck. Good luck. I'm a bear in the front. You've got this. You've got it. You've got it mate. Come on. You've got this. You've fucked.

1:28:02No, it's going good.

1:28:14Chris Stark: The incredible, and the immense ability!

1:28:21Yeah, so guys, yeah, we're gonna do something a little bit different now. The reason the house lights are on is because we're filming the reactions of people in the crowd for the next act. Now the next act is actually his first ever gig on stage, everybody.

1:28:39It is just not amazing. So it's probably going to be shit.

1:28:45He's actually quite a legendary performer. He does lots of stuff on radio and he's got a massive podcast. But please put all of them into room for your next hour. With the clap, he's voting and clapping. Screw you, shout, please. Chris Starr. More love, guys. More love, more love, more love. More love, more love. I want to know your last week for you. Hello. How you doing? My name is Chris Stark. Regards to your families. This is my first time ever doing stand-up, so please bear with me. Thank you. Thank you. And I should explain the backstory here. So what happened is I do a podcast with two friends.

1:29:36We do score predictions every week. The loser of that has to do a forfeit, and this is my forfeit. All right? So any support, much appreciated. And if it all fucks up, my plan here is I've been given some emergency jokes from the people that listen to our podcast. So worst case scenario, we've always got that. Are you with me? I should say, the two people I do a podcast with in the audience tonight, We've got Steven Sidwell over here and Peter Crouch.

1:30:16I should, of course, apologise to the person who has to sit behind Peter Crouch. And you know what? He likes to keep it real. He likes to keep it real. But you know, we're a big podcast. Everyone's listening to us. So he demanded front row, but the venue were like, fuck no, it can't happen. It can't happen. And this is weird. I feel like I'm in a nightmare. I sort of feel like I'm in a dream. You guys seem lovely. It's intimidating. I've sort of got that same feeling when I used to do school assemblies. I don't know if you guys ever had to do that. Takes me back to being in year nine. There's one assembly that sticks out in my brain.

1:31:00And I thought it was a great idea. You know that song, Sunscreen? and it gives advice throughout it. And then at the end it goes, trust me, I'm the sunscreen. Stuff like, you know, don't read beauty magazines. You know, dance the funky chicken on your wedding anniversary. I thought a good idea would be that one by one, my classmates come out and they hold up little signs throughout it. We play the song. It's all going well. And then I made the biggest mistake of all, which was I gave them these little mini sunscreens that I thought, oh it'd be lovely, we'll just chuck them out at the end. What I didn't know was gonna happen is they unscrewed them and then lobbed them across the assembly.

1:31:41My teachers just covered in sun cream. It was like a Baz Luhrmann bukkake. I got in so much shit for it. And this is bringing back those vibes everyone, it's horrible. But you know, thank you. I promise there'll be no bukkake today.

1:32:07I want to pick up Andrew Mensah, who had some words with me before and did an amazing set before. Give it up for Andrew Mensah.

1:32:18He was giving me words of advice. Should we get to the emergency jokes yet?

1:32:25We were talking, I was like, mate, have you got any advice? So I was like, is any topic doable tonight? He goes, no, look, they're the best crowds, the best comedy club in the world. Any topic's good. And I thought, well, you only get your chances once. I'm trying to think, like, is really any topic too controversial? And I thought, go on, one night only. Cancer.

1:32:47And you're right, it's OK to laugh. It is OK to laugh, you know? Last year, I got diagnosed with testicular cancer, actually. Aww.

1:33:01And, um, yeah, it's not ideal. I'm now nicknamed the One Ball of Watford. Again, thanks to these boys. And I don't mind talking about it, because I think it's for the greater good. I want blokes to go check themselves, you know. It's an important topic. I think it's important to laugh at it. And, uh, you know what? I'm so used to the chat. I'm so used to just getting my bollocks out now. I was tempted to do that tonight.

1:33:34Great glass for emergency bollocks.

1:33:39Bollocks! Unless I snort that charm, please. And I don't care anymore. It's an important topic. I want blokes to check themselves. Last time I saw my doctor was last week. And I want a big cheer for this, you know, because it was a heavy year last year. he's told me everything is good so far. It's all good. And you need to check yourself. You need to check yourself. And I don't care talking about it. I don't care what I've got to do. So anyway, we have the discussion. The bloods are good. All the markers are good. All that sort of thing. And then he says, look, should we just give you one quick check?

1:34:13So I go behind the curtain. I have to do this all the time. So I go behind the curtain. You know them beds with a bit of paper rolled across it. I've done it a million times. So I go lie on there. He's getting busy. washing his hands, stuff like that. And I pull my trousers down, I won't do it, even though the chart. I pull my trousers down, pull my pants down, and then the weird bit about it is he gets you, I don't know if this is just my adult, I don't know if anyone's been through this, he gets you to kind of hold the shaft up so he can get to the balls. I wanted to demo this, but it's hard, right?

1:34:48You know, talk about it. So anyway, so my cock's like, I'm on the bed and the doctor's washing his hands, I'm trousers down, pants down, holding my shaft like this, cold, so it's tiny. And he comes away from the sink, he says, I was just going to listen to your chest.

1:35:17No time for the emergency jokes, right? Fuck it, I win! My name is Chris Stark Peter Crouch, Sidney, should you have a photo?

1:35:39Ladies and gentlemen, we're the Peter Crouch Podcast. Back Stronger!

1:35:55Chris Starks in Berlin!

1:36:00Congratulations, Chris. That was fucking amazing, wasn't it, for this time? Fucking hell.

1:36:12How'd you be Chris? Well, fuck me, I've eaten my own words, haven't I? A part of it was hoping he bummed, just because I do this every day and I hate when someone comes in and just takes the room, but he did really, really well. He set the room up well and they were just for him and he just, he kind of went for it. And also, he has like natural timing, like the way he set up the cancer joke was 10-10. I even took a few notes, like, yeah, I might have to do it, like, I might have to take that one. I don't want to, actually, I don't want to cancel. You can have that. Fuck. I don't get nervous anymore at many things that I, you know, we do mad things.

1:36:51We do mad things with podcasts, mad things in our lives. That is one of the most surreal moments of my life. My missus has just been messaging me going like, is it done yet? Is it done yet? I went, I have never experienced anything like that. But we're done. We're level with the bank. The forfeit is done. I feel like my side of things is, whether it was good or not, you speak to the boys, but I feel like I've been through a car wash with the windows down. It's weird. I'm like genuinely shaking. Oh, it's done. Mate, how good was that? I'm so proud of you, son. Mate, you didn't even like, I bet you didn't even start or shake like anything.

1:37:32Chris Stark: So proud of you. How you followed him. He was brilliant. And you did it, like, didn't put a foot wrong, son. Honestly, I was so emotional. Honestly, how do you feel now? Honestly, I was so proud of you. I'm sort of buzzing. You should be. You've had him in the palm of your hand. That was impressive, okay. Very impressive, yeah. You genuinely feeling that? No, no, no, no joking. No bad. Honestly, I was like, I was like, oh my God. I thought what we'd done to him. He did. Before you come out, you've been to me, oh shit, he's fucked. After Andrew. Because he was brilliant. And I thought, oh, you're going to come on and be nervous.

1:38:14Chris Stark: You didn't even look it. I feel like you've done it for years. It's actually quite annoying. It is a little bit annoying. You've smashed a fourth. It's a bit of a blow, isn't it? It's done. Anyway, the bank is level. Honestly, I was really, really proud of it. Thank you. So good. So good. Beer time. Beer time. Well done, mate. He's absolutely smashed that. Smashed it out of the ballpark. To be fair, me and Crouchy were sitting there before, and Andrew had come on before, and he lit the room up. Everyone was laughing, it was a vibe, and we've had a little whisper again. He's fucked. He is in banging trouble.

1:38:56And then he's come out, and he has just gone bang. In a way, I'm gutted, but in a way, I am so, so proud of him. He is like literally, like didn't even break stride, didn't pause. It was just natural, it flowed. Boom. Love it. I'm proud of him.

1:39:18Chris Stark: He absolutely killed it today. I think it's one and done. I know we engineered it, myself and SIDS, you know, whatever. The game's the game. you lose, you do the forfeit. You want it to be as bad as possible for as much as you love the person doing it, you want it to be as bad and as most uncomfortable as possible. But the minute I got in the room I thought I want him to succeed now. I want him to do well because I was like he can't die here, this is awful. And yet he did, he came up trumps. Like fair play, that takes some bollocks. or a bollock.

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