THERAPIST SPECIAL

0:00Hello, hello. This is Brooke DeVard, host of the Naked Beauty Podcast. I want to talk to you about Lexus. At Lexus, master craftsmen called Takumi are involved not just in physical craftsmanship, but in all of those sensory details. These masters evaluate things like how a door closes, the click of a switch, the acoustic feedback of controls. Instead of just instruments, Takumi craftsmen rely on human perception and intuition to create what sounds and feels right. Out of all of the tools that Lexus uses, the most powerful one is understanding what will make us feel something. Because a car that doesn't make you feel something is a car that stops short of amazing.

0:40Experience amazing at your Lexus dealer. Hey guys, it's Paige from Giggly Squad. Okay, can we all agree that hosting is so much fun? And I really do love it. Every weekend, it's come over for snacks, let's make dinner together, and somehow the second you put out a fruit platter, it seems that bugs show up before your friends do. This is why I have to have my Zeevo flying insect trap. You plug it in and you let it do all the work. It's specially designed blue and UV light attracts the bugs you didn't know you had. And wow, did we have a lot. Like house flies, fruit flies, gnats. And then with Zeevo, bam.

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1:50Plug in a Zeevo flying insect trap so you can work smarter, not harder, and actually enjoy your time at home. Welcome back, everyone. Welcome back. We have a very special episode today that we are very excited to bring you. We finally have a professional in the building after all these years. Yeah. Do you hear my belly? Whoa, Chintzy is hungry. Karen Doherty is in the building a proper relationship therapist I discovered her when I watched Blue Therapy and I was like this woman is amazing first of all the outfits are just serving the blazers the glasses the glasses it's amazing the hair and the advice the pearls of wisdom that were coming from this lady's lips I thought we need a bit of this on the pod and the way because we've just finished it the way she just she knew everything she knew everything she was just great we could sit back relax but she gave us a stamp of approval a couple times she did which was really good really great that we did a good job so we think you guys are really going to enjoy this episode so we hope you do let us know how it went because obviously we've not had a guest in ages but we really love karen i thought that was great it was amazing she was just incredible we did some quick fire we had some great dilemmas so sit back enjoy let's take it away.

3:15Take it away. Enjoy.

3:25Karen, welcome to the girls bathroom. We have an expert in the house. We've been dying for like a professional to come in and help us all out because we don't really know what we're doing. We are very excited to have you here today. I cannot wait to hear all the wisdom. This is going to change our lives. Because we like to think we have wisdom, but But far too young. Yeah. We've not done enough in life. Exactly. Like we don't know anything. So we're really happy to have you here. Going to give all our, so we call boys Brian's. Yeah. Yeah. We'll give you the law. Do you know what law means? Yeah, of course.

3:59Sorry. Like you're not. Sorry. Got it. Got it. Boys are Brian's. Boys are Brian's. Sometimes they're, what else do we have? Ryan's. Steve. Steve. But mainly. Yeah. Are they different? Yeah. So like in a story, like the main guy will mainly be Brian. And then it'll be like, but the other guy is like Steve. Okay. Sometimes we like Steve. Sometimes we don't like Steve. Steve can be hit and miss. If there's someone else, usually we'll go for a Ryan. Yes. We like Brian and Ryan. Yeah, we like Brian and Ryan. And then girls, all girls are Sarah's. And then sometimes we have a Helen. Sometimes we have a Susan.

4:39Okay. Yes. You'll pick it up. It'll be fine. I'll be fine. So we usually have a question of the week, but instead we are going to start with a bit of rapid fire today, if you're ready. How do you feel about some rapid fire? I'm absolutely fine with rapid fire, I think. So we're going to get some great pearls of wisdom, I feel like. Yeah, we will. So rapid fire number one, do long distance relationships actually work in the long run? They're really hard. They are really hard. they can work for a while but actually until you are close to each other for a long time you just don't know yeah you know anybody can perform for for a short period of time and then it's all sort of via text or phone or facetime but it's not real is it you haven't got the smell or the you haven't got the the sense of them being there i'm learning so much already i know that was really good we always say like with long distance like there needs to be an end date to the long distance otherwise it's just like we have to be counting down to something yeah like there has to be like a point in our relationship when it's not going to be long distance or it's like what the hell definitely definitely because how do you even get through that no idea what are the signs to look out for when your relationship is breaking down absence lack of curiosity lack of somebody being interested in you asking questions not really caring where you are yeah not noticing what you look like um noticing yeah writing all these things down just not being present and distracted possibly a bit distracted and out a lot yeah they're all the signs they're not oh just out for the footy or i'm just going to meet the lads or i'm just going to go here i'm just going to go there and just not interested in you yeah and that happens a lot and people don't realize the problem is the partners don't realize that that's actually happening yeah because well because when that's happening you're like clinging on to the little bits that are still good and then like you're trying to justify their behavior I can see it happening and you're remembering like the good times in the beginning and how they used to be you know they can be that way that's right are you okay and they're like yeah yeah I'm just like busy and you're like just clinging on to like the little breadcrumbs that they are giving you that's right awful that's right and it's sad it's sad and I always wonder when when does it actually happen when does somebody actually have the bottle to say do you know what this isn't working for me but it's the hardest conversation to have leaving is very hard yeah and do you agree we always say do you maybe we're just like telling lies but we always feel like women leave a relationship first like emotionally before they leave physically yes would you agree but I'd say both do that yeah I'd say both men do that as well I would say both do that they lose that connection they're not emotionally engaged yeah um so I would say it was both yeah I've never actually considered men doing that but then I guess like yes yes they can they do yeah they do um we have got here is it normal to have a dry spell sexually with your partner of course it is I was gonna give a lot of peace of mind How could it possibly be not?

8:00You know, if you imagine, I mean, if you're starting off, probably less likely. But, you know, if you're going through 20 years together, it's not always going to be, you know, all that swinging from the chandeliers. It can't be. And you reckon you can get that spark back? I think it's hard work. Yeah. I think you have to. It's intentional. keeping eroticism keeping sex going it's intentional because it's so easy for it to slip off the radar yeah and I always reckon if you've got kids and you've got a job and you've got houses and mothers-in-law and all of that if you have good enough sex it's okay you're doing well you're doing well but it's it's all about intention yeah are we forgiving cheaters

8:48that's so hard to answer it depends on the cheater doesn't it if the cheater comes and is straight up and admits making a mistake then there's a lot of work that can be done on a couple if somebody actually admits to doing that and wants to fix it it's a great new beginning it's honest it's there's new boundaries there's new communication there's new conversations it's a really really good new start to a relationship but they've got to come clean yeah they've got to come clean and they've got to want it to work so have you seen success stories of yes really yes now let's i'll quantify that i have seen success stories okay but probably with couples that have an awful lot to lose kids house jobs stability families probably there's more of an investment but but the whole the whole concept of somebody cheating doesn't doesn't doesn't just happen the relationship is wrong somewhere okay a third can't get in unless there's a crack in the relationship that's such a good sentence that was a good one they can't that was gold they cannot so true i've never thought about it like this?

10:00I'm learning so much already. It's been 10 minutes. But they can't. So, you know, you can blame as much as you like, but have a look at the relationship you're in that is missing something. Is the right person, wrong time, a real thing? Okay. Right person, wrong time, real thing. Right person. How many right people do you meet? Quite a few I would say you know relationships yeah yeah relationships are not um you know how long are you going to live till you're 100 hopefully yeah exactly how many relationships do you think you're going to get through in that time one I'm going through loads that's the honest answer that's the honest answer that's the honest answer so you know where's the one yeah there can be a one of the moment yeah fab yeah enjoy it how should we deal with rejection rejection hurts always but you have to process it how sensitive are you you know when you think about being rejected what's it about really is it just is it just about you or is it about the one who's rejecting as well what's going on but it hurts and um it's time it is literally just time because sometimes like the rejecting it's got nothing to do with you but you can't get so personally that's my point it's got nothing to do with you yeah we always like to say rejection is protection and rejection is redirection redirection i like that rejection is redirection i like that one i'm gonna have that yeah pinch that how do we spice up a relationship after having children this is something we would know nothing we've not experienced this yet we are childless relationships that after children is part of my daily daily job this getting couples yeah getting couples to reconnect because kids take up all of their time yeah and their space and their heads and between kids and relationships and work um they are it's very difficult it's hard work so what would be like your top two tips it's always the same it's it's always prioritizing the couple and forget about date nights forget about date nights by the time you get on a date night everybody's exhausted and then you get to the date night and one of you is just wanting to you know wanting a glass of wine and a bit of fun and the other one has thought oh i'm going to talk about that now we're together I can do that don't do it don't so it turns into like oh we need to talk about all our problems now we're alone yeah yeah having the reverse effect yes completely so don't do date nights um you know have a have a date night at home or something yeah do something intimate I don't mean sex I mean you know yeah connect candles and curled up somewhere and chatting and maybe you know foot massage or I don't know relationship cards or just having a chat We have relationship cards with some deep questions on.

12:59Can porn addictions really be cured? Well, now that is a really interesting subject because the problem with porn being so readily available is that it plays into that dopamine hit all the time. so you've got to be careful about why somebody is actually using the porn I mean is it because they're constantly needing the stimulation of the dopamine hit which is slightly different to needing the sort of sex it's it's it's slightly different so addiction is you've got to be careful with that word addiction is it a comfort is it a comfort thing is it keeping them company is it because they're lonely and how do you how do you manage that and yes it can be managed better it doesn't have to turn into an addiction but I think it's uh it's worth having a little bit of a dig around as to why that person is using the porn quite like they are yeah gold dust why do avoidant men pursue women they aren't ready for oh avoidant men pursue women that they're not ready for so i'm assuming that you're talking about avoidant men going after girls that are quite independent yes secure women secure we've got a lot going for themselves and you're calling them men avoidant are they not just scared well yeah i guess probably but then because my ex-boyfriend he was an avoidant and then he is this attachment you're talking about yes avoid an attachment okay yeah um and then they just push you away don't they because they're scared they are scared scared and you know what are they scared of young women really young women can we get real here look at you girls look at you all i mean you know that's that's a tough call for young men you know women are on the money at the moment and men why is it that they though like pursue pursue pursue pursue chase chase chase chase chase and then like when you almost get into like the normalities of an everyday relationship it's like oh I'm gone is that like a boredom thing probably a bit of a chase probably a bit of a chase not necessarily and maybe a competition you know there's a there's a lot of there's a lot of if you watched blue therapy there was quite a lot of men there that weren't quite sure how to manifest their masculinity yeah yeah that's true okay if you look at that program there were men with very confused attitudes to their masculinity and didn't quite know how to play it and i think that's general i think a lot of young men are a little bit confused between sort of you know you've got the manosphere over there which we're not going to talk about yeah just leave it over there and then you've got other other people who are too scared or they don't quite know whether they're going to do the right thing or say the right thing or be in the right place and don't forget everything is recorded everywhere so everybody's being watched and men know that so they get they are scared yeah and they're scared of us since women have become so economically independent it's a completely different game we don't need them as much they're a total mess i think i was being ever so polite yeah this is the girls bathroom it's a safe space it's a safe space quite frankly they are you've got to help them girls yeah you've got to help them they're I don't want to tell the truth.

17:06actually we have to be forgiving is it like in to make a long relationship last yeah you've got it you've got to you've got to be real you've got to be real you've just got to laugh about the quirks yeah cupboard doors dishwasher you know sort of laziness you just you've got to turn it into okay this is a problem and communication don't forget about communication how did I forget that yeah you know being able to communicate well and honestly because that's difficult for a lot of people why i know it is difficult you're absolutely right but it's it shouldn't be it shouldn't be it shouldn't be in theory it's like yeah communicate easy i feel like when you're with the right person though it shouldn't be hard to communicate yeah that's a good point yeah that's right and but it's all dependent on the emotional capacity of the other isn't it to be able to feel comfortable enough to be communicating in an open and honest fashion and to have those communication to hear what you're saying and not feel like it's a personal attack that's right just to not feel rejected or criticized or attacked yes yes yes wow we could end that episode now we've already learned so much we could let you go okay so we've got a few dilemmas today we have chosen ones today which hopefully have quite broad themes okay that i think a lot of our sarah's listening have maybe dealt with or are dealing with or have a friend like we've gone quite broad so we will read the dilemma you can interrupt us along the way if you like and then we'll all try and give an answer but your answer is going to be the answer

18:41this is all on you Karen no no no we're going to do it together Thank you.

18:51Just before we get into it, quick disclaimer. Just to say, we are not doctors. We are not professionals. We do not actually know what we are talking about. This is a lighthearted space. Okay. Don't take what we say literally because we could be wrong. Yeah. And if there's anything serious, if there's anything you feel like you're seriously struggling with, please contact a GP, a professional, because that is not us. We're just girls, girls and boys just like you. We're just trying to get through life as well. Not professionals. Enjoy the episode.

19:18Okay, so our subject line of our first dilemma is, is he having an emotional affair with his work bestie? What do you think about like work wives and work husbands? Big subject, isn't it? Huge subject. Huge subject. Have you seen it like tear relationships apart before? Yeah. Yeah. Christmas parties. It's a real thing, isn't it? It's a real thing. Well, so it's funny that Christmas party thing. loads of people just turn a blind eye Christmas party but I think you're I think it's changed I think it's changed I think people they're so the onset social media nobody's got any privacy anymore and so and everybody knows everything so I think it makes you all really really really insecure you know because you can just see everything and what's what's worse is that you could not just watching what's going on you can assume that that your your boyfriend or girlfriend is doing that when actually maybe not.

20:12Yeah, yeah. You know, it's all there in your face and it's quite difficult to maintain trust. I've not even read it yet. I know. Do we even need to read it? Our questions have been answered. My face. Okay, so we've got, Hi girlies, just wanted to say I've watched you for years. I'm 22 now, but remember 10 years ago being excited to get home from school to watch your old uploads on YouTube. Oh, thank you. I love this podcast and would really love some advice. So I've been with my Brian for almost two years now. Being my first relationship at almost 21 years old, I had to learn and grow a lot at the beginning of our relationship.

20:50But now I feel as though we have truly grown together and focused on ourselves in the best possible ways. In July of last year, Brian started a new job in an office. At his job previously, he hadn't worked with a team of people his age and rarely had social work events, only one Christmas do. His team now consists of all people ranging from ages 18 to 35. Within two weeks of starting his new job, he had a team pub trip and that further escalated to once or twice a month social nights. I thought this was great for him, you know, to be working with younger people. And he had invited me to work events a few times, but I often work in the evenings and weekends so I couldn't make it.

21:37In September I moved home to London and our long distance relationship began. Of course this came with some hurdles as we had to learn how to trust each other from a distance and adapt to a life without seeing each other very often. He mentioned to me on the phone that there are a core five people at work and these work socials were only with them from now on. Okay so they're just going out of five of them. So yeah the group's getting smaller and smaller smaller yeah he showed me pictures of them it's all women all girls and of course said the classic line the girls said you are so pretty okay so that's him being like they do know about you yeah they were really nice about you yeah yeah it's like i say no you've got a girlfriend yes i trust him completely and if anything at this point i just wish i just wished I could meet them as I felt as though his work was a huge part of his life and it was obviously something that I wasn't a part of.

22:35Anyway, fast forward to October where both our birthdays are on the same week. He was having a big party for his birthday and the night before told me that one of the girls from work was out the same night and really wanted to meet me. Let's call her Susan. The party commenced and we ended up getting in a huge argument, completely unrelated, and didn't end up going to the club after and we stayed in instead. Okay. The next day, I think we're about to find out. The next day he told me that he had called Susan when I fell asleep to tell her how upset I have made him. So he's confiding in his work bestie, another woman about your relationship.

23:22But it is his birthday and they've had a terrible fight and he's missing out on something there. Yeah. this is the this is the level yeah because we're already angry at him we're saying break up with him but like well like some more patience but that's okay understanding yeah it was his birthday too we do forget that I completely forgot that detail um that was the first red flag and when I later brought it up he was like no she rang me to wish me a happy birthday and I just said I'd gone to bed earlier than expected I was just teasing okay so he's then backtracking saying know I didn't really do that.

23:55Of course like any normal girl I go home after that trip and do a little stalk. Susan is absolutely gorgeous and although I felt a little insecure I do trust my boyfriend and I know that he wouldn't do anything disrespectful. In December I visit him and we go out with some of his friends as well as my best friend who is still at uni in the same city. Susan rings my boyfriend while we are out and asks to meet us again as she really wants to see me and I agree. We spend the night as a group and she seems like a really nice girl and all is good. Until my boyfriend suggests we all go back to his house to keep drinking, get some food and play some games.

24:34Okay. Nothing good happens after two, Sarah. We can call it a night, I think. My best friend mentioned to me earlier that she was flirting with him but I didn't see anything out of the ordinary. Okay, so your best friend's in your ear a little bit saying what's happening with him? when she's flirting with your man. Or is she seeing something that she's not? Yeah, possibly. She could just be making it up. At his house, I felt tired, so I sat on the sofa while my boyfriend Susan and his two friends all danced and kept partying, taking shots. I felt like something had snapped in my brain and I was watching a movie scene play out.

25:13The body language, the flirting, the tapping. This isn't jealousy. She fancies him. yeah okay so you've sat back on the sofa and you're thinking i'm just gonna observe and you're thinking what the hell's going on over there my boyfriend runs upstairs to be sick after taking a shot okay and she runs after him really where are you going babes myself and his two i'll take care of my boyfriend you can sit down um myself and his two friends are sat in complete silence downstairs while we can hear her knocking on the door are you okay do you want me to come in you know his mom all of us were shocked really yeah you're you're listening to someone else try and comfort your man and you're there with your best friend as well like she's there with her best of you like what the yeah like are you gonna let this stand i'm not proud of myself but in that moment i grabbed his phone and looked through their messages what do you think about searching through partners snooping snooping i don't think you ever find anything good so you know be at your own risk yeah you know that it's so difficult now to draw a line isn't it um and the minute you can you can have respectful boundaries and never go into somebody's phone or emails but the minute that you have a you know a sniff of doubt it's available it was never as available but it is available and so it's almost impossible for you not to follow through isn't it i just feel like once it's such a slippery road like once you do it once yes i feel like it then becomes a habit and then like on a quarterly basis on a monthly basis you're like oh i need to look i need to check and it becomes normal yes it does become normal and it's not normal no it's not normal to have that level of distrust yeah because she knows she's going to see something she doesn't want to see now they're going to be being overly friendly yeah in these text messages but it's quite interesting that susan yeah susan's a piece of work isn't she the best friend is it susan that no the girl no susan's the girl sorry don't confuse me i know excuse me susan no yeah no susan susan what do you think of susan we need to keep our eye on susan i mean really she's after your man she's after him yes and i can't say it can i i can't say poor brian i can't say it can i well you can if you want to this is a safe space sometimes it is poor brian it's rare but sometimes it is but it feels like brian is mincemeat actually yeah yeah he doesn't know which way to do you know what also i would be thinking in this situation i'd be like how has brian been behaving so that susan feels like she can be that way with him yeah because it's not all on Susan.

27:57Like Susan's a single girl, maybe fancies him at work and she's pushing the boundary. But also Brian's not done anything to be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, Susan, I've got a girlfriend. Well, we don't know that. That's not, yeah. True. We don't know that, but I agree. It's 50-50 here, isn't it? Yeah. And this is the first time they're all properly hanging out. So it's like, this is how, yeah, so this is how she has been behaving. Like this is how they are. And hats off to the girlfriend. Yeah, Sarah will be the girl. Sarah. hats off to Sarah because she's been really grown up about it hasn't she? until this point until the snoop until the snoop well actually maybe the snoop was a gut instinct a gut feeling about something sitting there watching her flirt with Brian and Brian not really understanding that it's well actually Brian was sick wasn't he?

28:43Yeah he's out of it probably too much for Brian he's completely out of it three women in the same place I know so he's being upstairs he's upstairs being sick and you've tried to look through his phone it started off as messages about work then escalated to back and forth messages every single day she had just got out of a bad relationship and was sending him three to five minute voice notes where he'd reply being like i'm always there for you there would be missed calls from nights out where they wanted to meet up he even messaged her saying where were you tonight i missed my dancing partner dancing partner that is a breakup for me yes my heart the daily communication for me daily communication yeah like we're not just mates at work we're now texting sending each of the tiktoks we're laughing outside of i miss you that way too much yes yes my heart sank and i go back to the argument from his birthday she wrote fuck her don't let her control you come back out and I can make you have a better birthday that's like giving like ew oh my god so she doesn't like me she doesn't think I'm great she's just said fuck her yeah yeah yeah like she's not on my side no she had recently sent a selfie on a night out looking hot cleavage and then what did he say he she said whoops didn't mean to send that sure right the sky is a blue babe literally sure how do you feel about girls that behave like that well i think i'm not blaming her i think it's brian allowing this closeness to happen he should have set the boundaries in the beginning when they were just talking about work he should never have took it this far she's thinking brilliant i'm a single girl i'm a single girl i'm gonna do what I want.

30:31He likes me. He's told me he's not happy in his relationship. All he's telling me. It's not to be celebrated but I do put a lot of the blame on the guy because I'm like, you needed to put a bigger boundary in place. You've got way too familiar. You've been replying to the messages. God knows what you've been saying at work. You've obviously not been singing my praises because she thinks that we're not happy. And also she thinks she's making a move. She thinks that she can talk bad about me to you. So you're, my own boyfriend is allowing some girl I don't know to talk badly about me and he's fine about it.

31:01Which to me says that he's been speaking badly about you because I can't imagine a random girl would dare talk badly about you if he'd only ever sang your praises. So he's given her that level of comfort to be like, yeah, we can do this. And to feel like it's normal and okay. Yeah. I'm agreeing with you. Oh, lovely. Yes! We're therapists. Yeah, yeah. Go girls. Yes. Brian's definitely to blame there. And also like, this is only the text we've seen. imagine what they're like when they are out dancing drinking what the hell are they saying what the hell is going on like you're not telling me they haven't snogged yet okay so we're getting through this i had genuinely never felt so low was this emotional cheating i thought so i love my boyfriend though and i deserved an explanation i didn't bring it up until late the next day then confessed about reading his messages and he apologized explained he thought he was being nice that he should have never told her about our argument but him replying to her voice notes were that he was really worried about her mental state after the breakdown of her horrible relationship.

32:03He saw how upset I was and promised not to message her privately outside of work again. So that was in December. Months later, around March, I asked about her and he showed me their chat and like he'd said, he hadn't messaged her since before that night out and hadn't even really been engaging in many work events in general. I believed and trusted him and although though I have never really gotten over some of those messages, I do believe he's putting in the effort and trying to make a change. However, when I bring her up, he's really defensive and says, I'm crazy. I was just, I was kind of on his side for a minute then.

32:43And now he said that, no, no. And that I've got a stupid vendetta against her. And it's actually really horrible. Often supporting her in arguments instead of me. oh that's so weird because i thought it sounded like he really took a step back from her yeah but if he has taken a step back but he's still being sort of brought into it and accused of it he would be defensive wouldn't he yeah he would be defensive yeah three weeks ago brian had a work social he let me know that susan was going but told me he would be completely respectful and that if i didn't want him to go he wouldn't i said that was fine and the next day he rang me to debrief the night After the work social, him and Susan and another work friend went to a different bar and Susan invited her other friend.

33:28That work friend left and it was Brian, Susan and her friend. Brian explained to me that he thought this was inappropriate. So asked his best friend to come and join him. Shouldn't he just leave? Why didn't he just leave? Yeah. Long story short, Susan ended up sleeping with Brian's best friend. Oh, I don't know what you're about to say then. Brian explained that he messaged her and said something like oh what's happening with you and Steve last night and I thought oh no the messages are starting again right we are going to a festival in two weeks time a group of eight of us including Brian and I I know that Susan is going as Brian has told me but assured me that she will be with her friends separately as Brian and I live four hours away and the festival is in the middle we are traveling separately Brian is going with the one friend with one friend and told me that susan still needs a lift i said i don't feel comfortable with that and she needs a lift oh he went crazy saying i'm stupid and this uncalled for vendetta i have against her is ruining our relationship last brian so you started this the real question is is susan the real problem here or is it my brian i love him so much and apart from this i feel like we could truly build a life together as we share the same goals.

34:44We've traveled together, been on a fitness journey together and are really ingrained in each other's families and lives generally. I've never been a jealous person but this gut instinct I have about this relationship I really can't shake and I sometimes feel helpless as I don't want to seem controlling or tell him who he can and cannot be friends with. I am also unsure how to act at this festival if I see her myself for context she is a couple years older than us if that means anything to you girls thanks so much do you want to see a picture of the couple yes let's have a look got a visual sarah's gorgeous yeah sarah's always gorgeous sarah's always gorgeous always all the sarah's of the world okay i'm not gonna say anymore okay um okay so it's been going on a while hasn't it yes yeah when did we when did it first start july last year so it's nearly a year it's nearly a year yeah because that's when he started that job So it's probably, it's probably the last time to give him a chance, isn't it?

35:41Let's have a look at him at the festival. Let's see how he behaves. Let's see, actually watch them both together and see how your guts are going there. Because it's 50-50. Brian's not, you're right. Brian hasn't put in the right boundaries. And the night out was disappointing. Yes. Like you knew it was inappropriate. So why aren't you just leaving? And also you've told me, oh, this feels really inappropriate. Really? Really? You've been like, oi mate, I've got a girl here. She'd probably quite like you. Come on down. Yeah, like don't want to go home, back to the missus yet. Like come out and I'll just...

36:13He's telling you one thing. He's painting you one picture. But in reality, I think it's probably quite different. Yeah, yeah. So I think the jury's out on that one. One more chance at the festival. Well, I wouldn't even call it a chance. Let's have a look. Yeah, let's have a look. Let's have a look. Let's have a look. You know, I'm not sure that we're in chance giving mode at the moment. We're in sort of, it is what's going on. Yeah. What a shame. Yeah, it is. I know it's like all you have to do was set boundaries you know and just be respectful 19 to 21 very young and long distance yeah I'm fearful for this festival are you fearful?

36:47me too I don't want to go drinking yes all sorts it's all going to kick off tears yeah well maybe that's do you know what maybe that's the end of it then the final straw the final straw it's like our Sarah spent money on these tickets I'm sure she wants to have a good time but we've got this whole situation going on it's like a dark cloud looming over us it is yeah well i mean i think he sounds like an idiot and i don't want to debate with her i think you're too young i think to be dealing with this stuff i think so soon young to be dealing with this and so soon in we're fighting for this long distance relationship like this thing at work's happened it's been looming over you calling you crazy saying you've got a stupid vendetta like this is your doing like i'm allowed to feel a certain way about a situation and you just saying oh it's a stupid vendetta and like almost taking her side it i think it's really hurtful yeah definitely and just shows a lack of empathy about the whole situation he's not mature enough for this yeah he's not mature enough i think he just feels yeah he's not mature enough he's out of his depth really yeah and i know our sarah says our families are intertwined like we've done this together that together this together it's very young and only a couple of years you can get into time with someone else yes you can find another person who you can who will slow into your family and you can do other things with yes yeah but i i one more shot then hey good luck sarah wonder what festival it is i i enjoyed that dilemma yeah that was a good one it's gone over a long time not good for sarah it's a long time yeah yeah yeah a lot of history right we've got now here wait i've got one more question because it's kind of going back to that i'm just gonna judge myself up we do say sometimes on the podcast that it's a red flag or it's a problem if you're running into the same issue or in a relationship over and over again patterns yeah patterns of relationships patterns of communication patterns of fighting yeah it's very very interesting and it is well worth noting them and seeing if you can break the patterns because the i work with this a lot there are a lot of people who repeat the same pattern they're arguing about different things but actually the pattern's the same so they're really important patterns to note and communicate about and actually learn from them how can we change this pattern if it's a negative pattern how do you break it yes have a lot of that with arguments people there's a lot of arguments that start off you know sort of tit for tat somebody says something the other one defends then somebody tries to explain then the other one tries to defend again and then there's another explanation then it gets a bit heated and suddenly it's a twister up it goes and then spits them both out and they don't really know what they're arguing about it's a pattern they've got used to defense arguments blame um defense yeah they've got used to it and so they it's the twister spits them out and off they go maybe to different bunkers for days sometimes.

39:49I see so many people that do this for days. Off they go, they hide away and they never really reconcile. They sort of come back round and carry on as normal because there's kids or there's jobs or life carries on and you've got to break that. You have to start recognizing it. And that's just one example of a pattern. It's just one example. Sweeping it under the rug. Yeah, don't.

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42:29Okay, so our second dilemma here we've got, I thought we'd be engaged by now. Did he know? Yeah. Did he know that you were thinking that? Well, this is quite a long one. So let's say, hi girls. I've been spiraling a little emotionally and would really love your advice because I genuinely don't know if I'm overthinking this. Being unfair or just heartbroken over expectations I built up in my own head. yeah my Brian and I have been together for almost two years he's 31 and I'm 28 I truly believed we were heading in the direction towards engagement this fall winter we had talked about marriage kids our future and even went ring shopping it wasn't like I randomly invented the idea out of nowhere okay so like they've been chatting about it we're getting serious ring shopping because we've spoken of it in the past I got emotionally attached to the timeline specifically I got attached to the idea of a fall proposal is she talking about last she must be she must be talking about October yeah last year yeah yeah I started imagining imagining it happening on vacation we had a trip planned to Sicily at the end of September yeah so she's talking about back then picturing the moment in my head and honestly I started telling people I thought it was coming this year she shouldn't have started sharing it really not I know looking back Back now, I can admit I probably started putting pressure on him without fully realizing it.

43:56He originally had winter in mind while I kept saying I wanted fall. I would ask why he hadn't booked ring shopping yet, bring up proposal timing and talked about vacation proposals, etc. In my mind, I thought I was just excited and communicating what I wanted. But I can now see how that excitement probably started feeling like pressure to him. Okay. It's very domineering. yeah it's so she's really bringing it up really bringing it up isn't he's talking about winter she's pushing for fall she's saying bucket in bucket in yeah yeah it's not too much pressure yeah so a few nights ago he came home after talking on the phone with one of his sisters and one of his mates and basically told me that the proposal conversations had been stressing him out and putting strain on the relationship he said our timelines weren't aligning and that he didn't want to feel pressure pressured into proposing on my terms she's put my terms instead of his own i completely broke internally hearing that why yeah he doesn't want to he wants to propose if he can't propose on his own terms what sort of a relationship is it she's built it up in her head in a she's told her friends september i'm going sicily i'm getting engaged yeah she's built it up too much that this is feels like utter rejection like him saying let me just do it on my own terms yes yeah so i completely broke internally hearing that not because he said he doesn't want marriage he actually actually repeatedly reassured me that he does he told me he loves me to the moon and back and still thinks about marriage and kids with me and even said that after finally being honest with me he ironically felt more comfortable and more inclined towards wanting to propose because the pressure was finally lifted but so he's been really reassuring yeah but but emotionally i still feel devastated.

45:47I think what hurt the most was realizing how differently we were emotionally experiencing the same situation. In my head I was excitedly moving towards our future. In his head he was silently carrying stress and pressure because he felt like he was disappointing me or falling behind my expectations. Another thing that really hurt me was hearing that he talked to multiple siblings and friends about it and apparently they all told him there's no rush. I know logically they were probably just trying to calm him down and reassure him not to feel pressured but emotionally it made me feel really sad because I do feel ready.

46:25To me it doesn't feel like rushing, it feels like building the life we've already been talking about. Now I'm stuck in this weird emotional place where I understand his point of view, I genuinely don't want him to feel forced into a proposal. Part of me feels guilty because I know I contributed to the pressure but any but another part of me feels sad because engagement and marriage do really matter deeply to me and now I'm scared to even be excited about it anymore. I guess my questions are number one how do I stop putting pressure on him without completely suppressing my own needs and desires?

47:01Number two how do I stop feeling embarrassed about already telling people I thought it was happening really soon I really love him and I truly believe he loves me too this doesn't feel like a breakup situation at all it feels more like two people who accidentally got emotionally out of sync around a huge life step I'd really love you yeah I'd really love your thoughts because right now my heart feels very confused and very fragile love from Canada well I don't know there's something about it that doesn't sit with me really somebody It's sort of the assumption, isn't it? It's the built up assumption that he will acquiesce, that he will actually do it on her terms.

47:40And it's taking away his autonomy. There's that, there's that, there's a, there's a dissonance between the two of them. You know, the autonomy and the interdependence isn't working out right. It's pushing a little bit too hard, I think. And if that's happening at the beginning. And they're only two years in. Yeah, I wonder what that sets them up for later on, you know, because obviously this young woman has decided, oh, this is what's happening, and talked about it and set the scene. And he must feel quite disempowered by that, quite threatened by that. I mean, yes, he might love her and yes, he might want to get married, but surely that's got to be some sort of, it's got to be a mutual agreement and then give him grace.

48:23Let him decide when he wants to propose, if that's what you want. If the two of you aren't sitting down and saying, we'll get married and you're investing in a proposal, at least let that person have the choice of when they're going to propose. yeah what advice would you give to couples who because I know we've had it on the podcast before where let's say they've been together for five years and the our Sarah really wants to get engaged and the Brian just like doesn't really entertain the topic doesn't really like speaking about the future won't really acknowledge it and she's sort of thinking I'm kind of waiting for a proposal like how long do I wait sort of thing like what advice would you give to couples who maybe have a different timeline in their heads or girls struggling to talk about their future with their partners it's interesting because I I do have this quite often about different timelines and I think um I do this thing called a couple deal where I sit people down and actually go through it with them both about what you know what what are their expectations what are their hopes and I think that's the conversation that people actually have to have five years is a long time to be waiting for a commitment.

49:33And if that has been in the mix for a long time, why not sit down and say, okay, now what's next? I don't want to drift another two years. I don't want to not know what we're doing. But it is all about sitting down and making up, you know, agreeing, agreeing, agreeing timelines, agreeing commitments, goals, value systems. What do you want out of this? It is about that sort of open conversation. Yeah. And I think the problem is that these men, they don't want to have that conversation. They shut it down. They shut it down. They say whatever they say. So what's their hope? At five years in, what on earth is his hope?

50:12God knows. You know, does he not want to move on? And if he doesn't, then you move on. Yeah. I think that's the realization that's awful to come to in that situation. Like, we're five years in. I'm trying to get some sort of commitment out of you. and I can't even talk to you about it. Like I've tried to sit you down many times, but I'm going to have to remove myself from the situation if you can't. Yeah, because you're obviously not on the same page. You're going to drift for another couple of years? I know. No. And they just want to coast along, the boyfriends. Then coast along together. The boys coast along together.

50:48But it's not an alignment. It's not in alignment. It's not two people sitting down and planning how they're feeling and making up the rules of their relationship. That has to happen. Boundaries agreed. Intentions agreed. Timelines agreed. It has to happen. I like that. Right, back to our dilemma, Sarah. Sarah here, she should just have a little bit of patience and let him steer the ship and see what happens. I think they went ring shopping. She got really excited. Yes, but who went ring shopping? Did he just agree to go ring shopping? I guess we don't know that. Yeah, we don't know. did he just go along yes okay we'll go ring shopping yeah and then she just got so excited yeah in the forefront of your mind cicely was booked yeah maybe a few of her friends had got engaged she's thinking oh my god i'm next but it's all in her head yeah yeah yeah so she's got the reassurance that it's probably going to happen he wants to get married you've got the verbal reassurance just got to breathe and go with the flow and let him take the reins let him take control Don't you want a man that can take the reins occasionally?

51:53Yeah. You don't want to plan your own proposal. You want to be surprised. Yeah. You don't want to know when it's coming. Yes. Okay. Next one.

52:06Okay. Do I choose my dream career and city over mortgage life with Brian? It's a good question, Sarah. Yes. It's a good question. I hope you're both well. Well, I've been listening to the pod and following you both for a while now. And I just want to say the pod got me over my anxiety of public transport. So thank you for that. Oh, we're in here. I love that. I really hope you can help. I don't feel I have anyone else to really talk to about this situation and feel I need some guidance from you both as big sisters, as I wasn't blessed with those. For context, I have wanted to be an interior designer since I was 10.

52:42And I went on to study at university. for anonymity's sake is that the word anonymity anonymity anonymity for anonymity's sake let's say it was edinburgh it was quite a long way from home and i didn't have a great time i'll be honest but i felt so connected to the city i studied in and always saw myself growing there even though for family reasons i came home after graduating okay so you fell in love with your uni city two months after graduating I met my Brian we met on hinge and we felt like best friends straight away Brian is 24 and I'm 23 there weren't really any dates or the talking stage we just went straight in there and made it official around two months later my Brian absolutely worships the ground I walk on he is kind he makes me laugh happy bring safety he brings out the best lover girl version in me and it's fair to say it's my first healthy relationship and pure love.

53:39I also went through the hardest year of my life last year and I couldn't have got through it without him. As of recently Brian got a big boy job around two hours from us and he will grow at the company he is with. I'm so happy for him and I have supported him the whole way. However I am very unhappy in my job as I am yet to land a designer role and the plan was originally to get a job in close proximity to Brian for the future. After many rejections, I am now having the midlife crisis of I need to get my shit together and move where the work is, which is unfortunately not where Brian and his job is.

54:15In Brian's world, this is not ideal. And he does feel I am prioritizing our relationship. And he does not feel as though I am prioritizing our relationship. But truthfully, I believe I must prioritize my career. I'm applying to every single job I can in both cities and I'm slowly hearing things back. Although nothing is set in stone. I do now find my, I do now find myself overthinking it all on paper. Brian is the perfect man. And I don't believe I could ever find somebody who loves me the way he does. But there are issues here that I do believe I have been sweeping away. For example, we have polar opposite views on politics and I avoid Brian meeting my friends for this exact reason.

54:56If my friends knew, they would probably have my head on a stick. I find it embarrassing. And whilst I have tried to push it away, as the future looms, I find myself thinking, can I grow a family with this man on such different views? Brian also has a much higher sex drive than me. And this is quite a problem in our relationship. Where I feel Brian expects intimacy a lot of the time, whereas I am instantly turned off the moment he tries it on because he almost just won't stop until I give in. I know this sounds awful And I have expressed my concern to Brian about this Especially with things I've been through But he focuses on the fact that I maybe need therapy For what I have been through Rather than him being the non-understanding one I just don't know what to do Brian wants to get a mortgage And we will make it work if the job is in London However, he has made it clear He would not be with me If it was to be an opportunity in Edinburgh Okay, so he's saying It will work if you get a job that's somewhat closed but if you go all the way up to Edinburgh, it's not going to work.

55:58In my opinion, if you want really nice and supportive of him, isn't it? I know. If you want your life with somebody, you would make it work for them. But another thing in our relationship is the fact that I am so independent and comfortable in my own skin and company. But I do have a feeling Brian struggles with this. I find myself questioning now, is this even the relationship I want in my future? And should I be letting it affect my career choices when truthfully, I don't know if it's the perfect relationship that I once thought. I love him so much and I can't imagine being with anybody else.

56:28I want to be with him so bad. But after two years, I'm realizing that these things are not going to change and I can't change him. That's a good thing to know. Any advice would be so appreciated. I feel so lonely with this dilemma knowing I could not relay this information to my friends and family. This is a picture of them below. It's kind of blurry. Sarah looks lovely in summer rain and oh yeah they yeah i don't like him yeah yeah i don't i'm not overly keen no i'm not i don't like him putting limits on your dreams and being like look you can stay with me if you do this but if you do that like i'm not gonna be as long as you stay here i'll stay with you yeah there's a lack as if he's like the prize and like the the most amazing thing that i should change my whole life for him when i'm 23 that comes out a few times doesn't it because their difference in politics and she's a bit embarrassed to take him anywhere.

57:20That's a big thing. It doesn't sound like much, but it's huge. There's a difference in value systems there probably. That's not great. I'm not so keen on the persistent sex. I'm not so keen on that. I don't like that without an actual conversation. And I'm not keen on him not wanting to support her and her career at such an early age. It's different if there were kids involved, but there aren't. it's like I am young I need to go after my career I feel for her because she obviously feels very involved with him and loves him but actually is it love it was a very intense sort of limerence at the beginning wasn't it two months and they were together it's very quick I don't feel like he sees her as his equal either yes that's right it's like whatever he wants to do you've got to support me but I won't support you that's literally what he's saying Yeah, like you do something for me, but I'm not going to do that for you.

58:16Like you'll have sex with me now, but I'm not going to stay with you if you go wherever you are. If you choose the job over me, which is, you know. I think our Sarah at the end, she's kind of realizing, actually, this isn't the relationship that I once thought it was. It sounds like that. Yeah. By the time she's written it, it sounds like she's worked it through. She's worked it out. She's worked it out. Yeah. That happens so often, though, doesn't it? When you write something for you. It's good to get things down on paper. yeah get them all out yeah yes i think sarah you've got to go to edin brown dump him maybe not dump him let's not be dramatic let's not be dramatic sorry maybe maybe just try some long distance some long distance okay if he's willing if he's willing well let's test him yeah see if he wants to break up with us or not see if he's all talk or not yes so true yes you know i wouldn't put your dreams on hold for a man especially at such a young age that's right especially a man who isn't even excited about your dreams, doesn't want to help you pursue them, isn't like, yeah, oh my God, go for it.

59:16Okay, well, I love that city. So I come up at the weekend and you could do this and you could do that. Offering solutions, like trying to work it out. Like you go do what you want and we will work it out. We're together. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going to be in your way. I'm your cheerleader. He doesn't sound like a cheerleader. I think he wants you to be his, but I don't think he wants to be yours. Yeah. And I think that is sad. Yeah. I agree. I agree. I don't think, yes. Stamp of approval. Sounds like it's on the way out. definitely on that one right should we do one more yes

59:54okay last dilemma here we've got is my bestie's perfect new girlfriend just not sexually compatible with him hi girls my name is brian we rarely have brian's writing so it's a great day when we do wow okay i'm typing in because i'm trying to save my best friend's relationship just wanted to shout out my lovely girlfriend for getting me into the girls bathroom pod now i'm hooked and can't get enough i can't get enough going back and listening to past episodes while at work as a tradie i love that i know so my best friend we'll call him steve he's 22 has run into some intimacy issues with his soon-to-be girlfriend, Susan.

1:00:42And we genuinely don't know what the right move is here. It all started at a run club. Steve and I only went expecting a casual jog and maybe a drink afterwards, but then Susan showed up. I'd be lying if I said he didn't instantly get the love eyes. The three of us got chatting after the run and they clicked immediately. Oh, that's really cute. I love a little run club, little love affair. Me cute. They swapped Strava's. Wow. I've never heard of that before. Stalked each other's Instagrams and then she actually messaged him first. Bold move, Brian says. Fast forward a month and a half. They've been going on regular dates, still attending the run club every week, and have basically become the permanent third wheel.

1:01:28Some nights I've even left early just to give them some alone time because they genuinely enjoy each other's company that much. she fits perfectly into our friendship group too from what steve tells me she's the complete package attractive funny intelligent family orientated and easy to talk to the whole thing honestly i've never seen him fall this hard for someone this quickly things naturally started getting more serious lots of kissing long conversations in cars after dates eventually things started getting more physical. During one of those conversations about past relationships and experiences she told him she was a virgin.

1:02:08That didn't bother him at all, they're both still young but the reason behind it is where the issue begins. A week later she stayed over at his house for the first time. One thing led to the other, clothes off, kissing, touching, lots of chemistry. Everything felt perfect except for one problem. They couldn't actually have sex. they tried multiple times but penetration just wasn't happening her vagina was just too tight so eventually they gave up and called it a night ever since then steve's steve's been torn he really likes this girl and can genuinely see a future with her but he also thinks sexual compatibility and intimacy are important parts of a healthy relationship now he's unsure whether he should officially ask her to be his girlfriend if sexual intimacy is off the table or end things before it gets even more serious.

1:03:00The thing is she's clearly keen. She's been dropping hints about wanting him to ask her out officially and from the outside they honestly seem perfect together. So the dilemma is should Steve continue pursuing the relationship despite the intimacy and penetration issues especially considering the connection they have or is it better to end things now before emotions get even deeper involved would really love some advice a very concerned brian we need a professional yeah that's that's very complex do you know she said he said something about past relationship or something leading up to she's a virgin but there was yeah they were chatting about past things yes and there's no clarity on that is there because what you have here is not somebody who doesn't want to be intimate you have somebody who has a block you know there is some there's something that's gone on that has actually had a physical effect on her brain is you know her brain and her body and mind are not not adding up yeah she wants to have sex so I don't really understand why this young man doesn't think actually you know we can work at this yeah because that's what it takes it takes some work it takes um you know the anxiety level has to come down the um the intimacy levels have to grow and then everything could change yeah but i'm not quite sure why they're seeing it as black and white as they are i know this young woman obviously wants intimacy yeah it's not that she doesn't and they're having a great time that was their first time being intimate exactly it sounds like they'd be more nerves and more like yeah oh my god yeah like because that is nerve-wracking especially as a virgin like this is some guy that i really like The anxiety level could be through the roof.

1:04:43It's unlikely that if there's that much spasming of the vaginal walls, then actually there might be something that's happened pre - Previously. Pre-his relationship with him that has left her. And she's a virgin, so we don't know whether that's happened to her before. Yeah. And maybe she's a bit embarrassed to talk about it. But vaginismus is very easily managed. it's not to be hopeless about yeah there's loads of treatments out there there's lots of talking therapy there's you know there's lots of ways of dealing with that level of anxiety that sort of yeah leaves your body that makes your body go into spasm like that yeah so like almost like yes tightening exactly that yeah exactly i wonder what their conversation was it sounds like they've not chatted yeah it does but it sounds as though it's definitely not a reaction to him yeah it sounds as if it's an older reaction an older older trauma that is kind of had an effect yeah and maybe this is something they talked about when she shared that she was a virgin and yeah and all of that but this takes this takes patience this takes love this takes care this takes curiosity you know how can we make this better it takes it takes work and what's wrong with that yeah yeah i know it's not just like i'm not gonna because they're like oh well, maybe she shouldn't be a new girl.

1:06:05Yeah, stay away. Yeah, and it's like... Why? If everything else is so good, this can be overcome. Absolutely. Brian needs a bit more patience. Yes. Or just a bit more education. Perhaps he just doesn't understand it and it's frightened him that he, oh my goodness, what's going on? Yeah, yeah. She's not some alien who, you know, can never have sex. And it's not permanent. Exactly. It'd be unlikely to be permanent. It sounds like they're a really good match and I think they can work through this as long as they communicate. Yes. And give it another go. I agree. I agree with that Yes I think it's Lovely I think they need to do that Lovely You've got this Brian Lovely that Brian wrote in Yes We love to hear that Send our love to Steve Always So we like to end every episode With a star of the week Okay So this is like the best Brian of the week Just to restore our faith in men Because a lot of the time It's like sad and negative I like this So it's a little positive end Good good good So we've got here I have been listening to the pod Since the first episode Crazy I Know and I would like to nominate my Brian, aka James, to be Brian of the week.

1:07:07This year has been really up and down for me so far and April especially was a really tough month. My Brian could tell I was really upset. So guess what he did? He secretly messaged one of my best friends to see if she was free in May. She was, so he booked and paid for us both to fly to Amsterdam to watch Harry Styles opening night. Literally night one. He knows how much I love Harry Styles and honestly we had the best weekend ever that is really lovely that is yet behavior if i've ever heard of double gold star double double gold star double that's really lovely i love that james shout out james thank you for the tickets karen thank you so much for being on the podcast today we've learned so much in the past i think we love that so much that was just lovely you might have to come on weekly i think so much we need you here we need you on speed dial Yeah, we do.

1:08:03You do a great job. You can take my spot, honestly. I'll just leave. Thank you so much for having me on. It's been good fun. It was lovely. Thank you. Happy Wednesday, everyone. See you next time.

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