Roxie Nafousi: Author of Manifest – “The Manifesting Queen”, Rock Bottom, Healing, Confidence, & The Power of Self-Belief

0:28Thank you so much for being here. And that was like a big growth moment for me, trying to define all the things I actually value. And what were they? It's like a long list. Some of them were time with myself and not feeling the need to socialize too much and be around people too much. Calmity and people who can be calm and be soft-spoken and not like super animated. and I mean that for the positives and the negatives. Like I don't necessarily need like the rollercoaster highs. I'm down with just like the mellow for the bad and the good. That's one. Respect for family, but not family obsessed either.

1:19Because there's a delicate balance between like no family relationships at all, which is not very me, but then also like mother-in-law at the house every day of the week is a bit much you know i feel you so some delicate balance there but a lot of it as well is so much about like balance and finding that like middle ground it's so funny you said that about being soft spoken because one of the first thoughts i had as you started speaking was like oh he's so softly spoken well thank you and then that's what you said you were looking for which is so nice and i think that when i met you i was because you have such a like unique persona online and it's so the identities of it are so strong and i was so shocked when i met you because you kind of forget that that is a character and it's a persona you must get that loads yeah i get it a lot which i guess is a good thing because i'm i'm acting and yeah expressing it you know yeah but i think some people don't think it's satire and they think it's a documentary it's like this is like this person's real life yeah which in some ways has become my real life you know i faked it till i made it and now i'm actually living in many ways the life of this fictional character right which is kind of absurd yeah but i'm happy that now i have this outlet yeah i can open up and be myself and talk to friends like you yeah so thank you so much for being on the stadguy podcast of Of course.

2:48Around the world with your host, the Stad Guy. We welcome you back to the Stad Guy podcast, sharing stories of excellence with those in the know for those who just know. Roxy Nafusi, you are an incredible author and manifester. You manifested this into existence. And I would love to dive into all of the different things you've manifested and the ways that you have encouraged people who have been through similar struggles, mindsets and journeys as you to bring their life into reality. I have not, I'll admit, I have not read your books end to end. Yeah, end to end. But I have done some skimming.

3:31I'm a serial skimmer. Oh my God, I'll take the skimming. I think skimming is better than nothing. 100%. I skimmed my way through high school. Yeah, yeah. Skimmed my way through uni. No, I like it. And I love the honesty. Look, I've given it a skim. You know, I've been being really honest about recently. Yeah. I used to lie to people and say, I read this article recently when it was just an Instagram. I would just scroll on Instagram and see something. I'd be like, I saw this article. It was never an article. It was always a TikTok or an Instagram. No one's read an article since 2020. Exactly. We all just saw it on Instagram.

4:06Yeah. So I'm honest now. So I skimmed. Yeah. And what I love is that you have so eloquently defined in your seven rules of manifestation, things that I could never put a label to and actually express, but that I definitely went through. I wouldn't say all seven, I think four. Four of them I went through. Okay, which four? Okay, let's do this. I actually wrote them down. Oh my God. Oh, you really did skim. I did. I was like, please, you read one page. no no okay so roxy nefusi's seven rules of manifestation number one is be clear in your vision i think i've always been very clear in my vision yeah i had an amazing boss when i worked at apple her name was ashna right and she used to make me make vision boards no way just for my job for myself she really believed that if i grew as a person i'd be perform better at work as well so she's the best boss of all time shout out Ashna um and I started making these vision boards every year now I've been making them for like five or six years I love that and before that I was a big daydreamer and I always like would think of what I wanted so be clear in my vision I'm there remove fear and doubt I don't have that I think that fear and doubt actually motivate me in some ways and they challenge me to improve things I'm just trying to find the positives here i could probably do better if i did remove them yeah but that's when i can't i can't lie and say that i've i've removed fear or doubt three align your behavior absolutely i faked it till i made it yeah i have said to some friends before the version of myself i like the least is when i'm around people i love like my family and stuff that i'm like more easily irritable interesting more impatient and the version of myself that i love the most yeah is when i'm like an independent explorer ideally in a country where i don't speak the language right because i'm extra slow with my words i'm extra kind extra cautious of like the culture and the new people new world around me and i wish i could be the traveler me with my family and i'm trying to do that so i think i'm aligning my behavior with who i want to be i love that so i think that's three yeah uh four overcome tests from the universe i try yeah i wouldn't say i'm like a keep keep it coming at me sort of guy you're not welcoming i'm welcoming the challenges but if they're there i'll try you know i don't know about like if i get to the airport and i forgot my passport i will lose it yeah you know i'm not a fully there embrace gratitude i think I'm a very grateful person.

6:47Yeah. So I'm happy with that. Shout out Alex Icon and the five minute gratitude journal. Turn envy into inspiration. Absolutely. I grew up in a house where we're always like touching wood and being inspired by people. And there's never any envy or jealousy in any vocabulary or mindset. So that's never been a thing for me. And seven, trust in the universe. I think so. Yeah. I think my biggest ones are clear in the vision. aligning my behavior embracing gratitude and turning envy to inspiration those are my four the ones i could definitely do better at are removing fear and doubt overcoming tests and trusting the universe well i love this because something that i always say is that everybody is always manifesting they just don't know it and i think that if you gave anybody these seven steps probably much like you they could identify things that they're naturally already doing and things that they could improve in.

7:48But when it comes to the remove fear and doubt, I mean, that's the one that really everyone is still working on. That's the ongoing journey because I don't think I've ever met anybody that is completely free of that, of insecurity, of limiting beliefs, you know, and that is what makes manifestation for me a healing practice. And, um, but you can still manifest even if you haven't like, let's say, completed that step you just have an awareness around it and you're able to still find ways to build that self-worth and continue for sure what do you think the difference is between dreaming and like daydreaming and manifesting i think the difference really lies in the action and like taking action and i think that like manifesting gets such a bad rep and i think that because of things like tiktok and instagram people like almost cringe at the word now because it's well there's kind of two camps in one sense because you know it was you know manifest was like the 2024 cambridge dictionary word of the year so it's like massive right and it's had this explosion and when i started talking about manifesting and i first taught my seven steps in jan 2020 honestly nobody i spoke to knew about manifestation the people that did know really misunderstood it and so in the last five years or like four and a half years this was in this like huge growth in the word manifest in its kind of like reach and awareness around it.

9:18But so that kind of gives you two things. In one hand, it gets people, half the people are like, oh my God, yes, I've been doing this thing. Or, oh my God, I can do this thing. And it's changing my life. And it's so transformative. And it's incredible. And then the other half of people are like, this is a load of shit. Like I've seen all these TikTokers being like, oh, just say I'm lucky and you'll manifest and and it really devalues the whole practice so sometimes when I meet people who I don't know and I'm like they're like what do you do and I'm like oh I'm an author I write books and they're like what on and I'm like manifestation I honestly part of me cringes because I'm like oh no they're gonna think that like they're gonna misunderstand it and I have to do some work so I sometimes I think I'm like the PR for manifesting like doing damage control um but yeah i think that really at its core manifestation is about knowing what you want about dreaming up your biggest goals and desires and then doing the work that you need to do to make it happen like you can't think your way to success you know and i'm sure you know that better than anyone i appreciate that and i i'm fully aligned with that i think manifestation is fully misbranded.

10:32Like a lot of things right now that become popular, they just, the wrong people with the wrong message jump on the bandwagon and it kind of dilutes the real message. But also I think you're a walking ambassador for good manifestation because you also look like a cool modern person like we can relate to. Because sometimes I see people talking about like similar category things in manifestation. And I spoke about this with our friend Alex Icon, but like with the huge hats and like the shaman outfits I just feel like we're so polar yeah that like I don't see myself being able to get there yeah emotionally and get there in my mind yeah but when I see you and I hang out with you and we're at these dinners it's like oh we're just all like pretty similar urban yeah people involved in the same like modern life you're not like on a mountain like doing ayahuasca all day well you know i think i really appreciate that because it was so much it was so part of my intention in the beginning that for me my line has always been like i want to make self-development cool like that's it like i want to make it something that people are proud of that people are so like yeah oh my god that's why the book for example okay like when i came out with this cover i wanted something that people would be so proud to show off that they didn't want to hide it they wanted it to be like this statement and so my attention was let me create something that's cool that is that's aesthetic that's well branded and then it just so happens that three weeks after the book came out bella hadid walked out of her hotel room with it clutched under her hand and it was straight on vogue and i was like fuck you know little things like that they really were incredible and they mattered and it became this like thing that people were tagging on Instagram and for me it was more than it just having like awareness on the book it was being able to get people who maybe wouldn't have been interested in self-development to become interested and that really is my passion and my purpose is to teach as many people as possible that they can take power back in their lives and feel as good as they possibly can.

12:34I love that I love that you talk about taking power back into their lives and then earlier you mentioned the action involved yeah because i feel like another bad rap that the act and the the the habit of manifestation gets is like this like cringe caption that like i've seen a thousand times like i don't chase i attract yeah you know i think like i don't i don't chase i attract it's kind of like broken yeah because it's the whole point is that you're chasing what you want right with these processes in mind yes how do you feel about i don't chase i attract okay such a good question so when you look at that as a statement initially i can totally get why you're like that's bullshit because what you're what it sounds it could sound like is i'm not going to chase you i'm just going to stand here and wait for you to come to me and it's almost it's i imagine it's like a really entitled person that's like like if i was to imagine that statement alone you imagine like this entitled person that's like come to me but actually where it is really relevant and where i do kind of absolutely stand by the statement is that the act of chasing can become desperation and desperation is something that's a real block to manifestation because desperation comes from low self-worth and we can't manifest we don't believe we're worthy of receiving so at its deeper level that is absolutely a true statement if you're chasing through desperation you're not attracting and so i kind of understand the sentiment but i think when you look at it face value it's giving the wrong message okay i love that thank you for clarifying yeah that makes sense now i'm happy to chase and not chase and attract that makes sense whenever you you have these nuggets of knowledge and wisdom i think where does she how does she come up with all these amazing things is it innate and i know from my research and some of our conversations hearing you speak a lot of it's experiential and you've gone through a lot of hard times to come up with a lot of these things and you've had to pull yourself out of those moments with a lot of these thinking mechanisms if you're okay with it i'd love to go back in time yeah to you growing up in Oxford yeah and growing to who you are today and growing to the role model that you've become today well in Oxford I had so I'm fully Iraqi both my parents are Iraqi and we had moved from Saudi when I was like six months old and my mom is like devout Muslim and they were very you know they had a very strong arab culture so you know we didn't celebrate christmas we ate rice every meal my mom you know wore a headscarf and oxford it was like very white very white very british and as a young child i definitely felt those differences really early on you know i had olive skin and dark curly hair and all the popular girls were blonde with blue eyes and pale skin and so I felt different and it definitely had an effect on my self-worth but then it really things got bad in the Iraqi war because after 9-11 basically Muslims were all terrorists but then Iraq specifically and all Iraqis were like the bad guys and so I ended up basically getting like locked in a phone box by a group of girls and they'd called me like Saddam basically would like chant it at me and like really traumatic things like that and then I ended up moving schools and when I moved schools I was like I have to dissociate from where I'm from so I changed my name from Rowan to Roxy and I used to lie and tell people I was from Jordan instead of Iraq and I used to be really embarrassed of my mom like dropping me anywhere near school and really what was happening was this like complete rejection of myself and I think that many people can relate to this in some level where they feel like a sense of shame about perhaps where they've come from their sexuality their upbringing whatever it is and that shame really stops us from being able to form this like positive self-image and and and how and build that self-esteem that we actually need to thrive in the world and what happened for me was I started turning to like first I started doing like lots of like basically developed like an eating disorder I was like desperate for attention from boys and then when I was 18 I discovered cocaine and as soon as I had a line of cocaine and that false confidence that it gave me I was like immediately hooked and by the time I was 21 I was in Narcotics Anonymous and I didn't give up then I didn't give up for another like eight years or seven years.

17:42So you can imagine that like from 21 to 28, I was just fucking wild. Like I can't even tell you a single thing I did with my life other than going on like three, four benders a week till sun, you know. And I was so depressed, obviously, because it's not a permanent come down. So it was one of these things where I was escaping what was like the true pain within me. So I'd feel good on a night out. And then as soon as I was on the other side of it, I was just at this kind of like real rock bottom. And anyway, I had tried to give up many times and I was like, I'm going to change. And then one in one of these kind of like, I'm going to change my life.

18:21I decided to book a yoga teacher training course in Koh Samui, Thailand. So it was April 2018. And obviously before I went, I went on like a massive binge, you know, of like everything. So I was like, this is my last time. and I got there like completely broken had this month away of like 200 hours of yoga like hours a day of meditation no access to my vices I was also smoking like 25 a day at that point so it's like everything was cut and I was like and I actually met this monk okay and this monk read my palm and he was like oh my god you've got this fork on your palm and you're here to like teach and I was like well yeah I'm gonna teach yoga so that's fantastic and so he anyways I got back from Thailand and I was like fully ready to like go into my new life how long were you there for a month okay and I call and a friend of mine texts me and she's like I've got this art gallery dinner opening tonight do you want to come and I was like yeah yeah sounds good she was like meet me in my hotel.

19:29Anyway, she was actually staying at the Ritz. So I go in and I go to her room and it's like four o 'clock and she pulls out a bag of cocaine and she was like, do you want a line? And I was like, oh yeah, f*** it. So that night I go for this dinner. I end up going to an after party with like these random guys I didn't know. Oh my God, I shudder. Then I go back to mine and I carried on on my own went for lunch with a friend of mine you hadn't gone to sleep no I was then we went to the hairdressers I was like still doing lines in the hairdresser then I went out again that night went home with some guy that I'd like dated a few months before and then finally went to sleep like two days later right and I woke up from that and I was at rock bottom I was like oh my f**k like I have made all this progress like I thought I was there and then I'm right back where I started and I called a friend of mine Sophia and she is quite spiritually inclined and I was like babe I don't know what to do with my life like I'm never going to be happy I'm a mess and she was like oh babe don't worry about it just listen to this podcast or manifesting I just listened and I was like f**k it I'll try anything so then I listened to this podcast and I think what really hit me about this podcast it had basically said that your self-worth is sort of at the core of everything of the reality you experience and I was like okay I have no self-worth so I'm manifesting but in the wrong direction and so I then went home and sort of researching manifestation and I really quickly learned that basically if you like primed your subconscious and changed your beliefs about yourself you would change what you attract into your life and at the time I really wanted to meet someone so I started playing these affirmation meditations for finding love like every night and I which was like you know you just fall asleep to it basically and it's still a practice I do now because when you're falling asleep your subconscious is really susceptible to positive messaging and when you're waking up so I would listen to this podcast and it'd be like i am ready for my soul mate like my my perfect partner is on his way to me or whatever anyway two weeks later on the 7th of june a guy named wade messaged me on raya and a year to the day on the 7th of june 2019 our baby boy wolf was born so yeah and then that's where it all began it's a big ad for raya this marshawn lynch on prize picks being right can get you paid so i'm here to make sure you don't miss any of the action this football season With PrizePix, it's good to be right.

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22:54That's code SPOTIFY to get$50 in lineups after you play your first$5 lineup. PrizePix, it's good to be right. Must be present in certain states. Visit prizepix.com for restrictions and details. Do you know what? Actually, it's so weird. my friend was in ibiza that summer and he um he was in ibiza that summer and we went on his boat and on the boat was the founder of raya and we were like oh my god we just met on your app so we've got a picture of him like ordaining us and then obviously i didn't i wasn't pregnant then but i was pregnant pretty soon after and then when wolf was born they sent us like a blanket with wolf on one side and raya logo on the other that's hilarious i still have it it's like his birth blankets so cute and when me and way decided to split like we're really like happily co-parents and i went back on raya and i was like i've kind of completed this like where do you go from here like i've had a baby from here also imagine when you meet someone on there and i'm like you know the last time i was on this app i had a baby that's so funny i mean thank you so much for opening up about that yeah i'm sorry you had to go through what you went through no thank you where you were today but it's a beautiful outcome of a very absolutely absolutely no it was all worth it and I wouldn't change a thing that transition where you listen to the podcast yeah sounds like a big eureka moment yeah was it did you summarize that moment or was it actually that much like I listened to this podcast and yeah manifested the father of my child yeah everything changed that one day you know what like yes everything did change in that one day because I think then I began my journey into self-development and understanding myself and changing myself.

24:39But what actually happened was that after I met Wade, I was kind of like on this journey, I was still an addict. So I was trying to give up at the same time. I was actually secretly doing drugs on like all our dates. He didn't know at the time. And then three months after we met, basically I'll just tell you the story so we met on a date in in London we met at White City and he was supposed to be in the UK for two weeks and he had been traveling in a van around Europe for three months with his friend he was in London for no not even two weeks like five days or something anyway so we meet and this I was like oh my god I manifested you and like he didn't run surprisingly so i was like okay so we have this like 24-hour day i'm like oh my god like it was amazing and then he was like i meant to go back to australia and he was like it i won't get on the flight let's just see what happens so five days after we meet he moves in then we spend the whole it was that summer in 2018 we're like every day was sunny right it was like insane weather so we had this amazing summer and then he's like right okay i'm gonna go to australia get my visa and move back here with you and i was like oh my god great let's just see what happens the day he gets back to the uk with his visa was in october and i was two and a half months pregnant well i found out that day he came back and i was like what the fuck i was devastated because i was like okay well i did not manifest this like i i wasn't working like over manifest I'm over mad.

26:18I shot too hard. I was like, because he had no money. I had was not making any money. I was still an addict. I had to give everything up. Suddenly, I was like, this is not what I had planned for myself. Right. And because I suddenly had to give up everything overnight, basically all the pain I'd been escaping from for the last decade came rushing back. And I basically turned to food so I like started binge eating I gained 30 kilos which is like five stone I was like unrecognizable during pregnancy yeah I don't know how pregnancy works it's a lot is that a lot I look like a old Greek Cypriot man it's the only way I can describe it like honestly but not only that like I was so so unhappy like my mental health was like that was the darkest time in my life like it was a dark night of the soul but but drug free drug free but a week before I found out I was pregnant I had started something on my Instagram called Agni Aunt Sundays where every Sunday I'd ask people to like write in their dilemmas and I would just give them advice and I don't really know why I decided to do it but I was just like I'm learning all this stuff I'm kind of on this journey I've always loved giving people advice I feel like I've always probably been like wise beyond my years and I was like it's like a nice thing to do and it's nice to give back and then when I was pregnant and I was going through such an awful time this Sunday like session became my purpose it was like the thread that Kate kept me going and so I was like this is what I want to do I want to use all the pain I've been through to like help other people and I would read and read and read as many self-help books as I could I would listen to so many podcasts motivational speeches on YouTube and I would visualize when I have this baby like I am going to make my life the best it can be I am going to be a speaker I was really inspired by like Brené Brown and Tony Robbins and so it was through that real real darkness that came this like complete rebirth like I always say when I gave birth to my son I also like rebirthed myself in a way and then from the day he was born I was like I just changed that's when everything began and when he was five months I did my first ever workshop to like 200 people no no not 200 100 people in an old church that I spent like 200 pounds on it was so cute and it all began from there I love that yeah I mean I guess necessity was a part of the the growth yeah of you had to force yourself to do these things otherwise would have been harder yeah i have a lot of friends that have have gone through different had different relationships with addiction a lot of them have had these like sort of eureka moments that they thought would be like that's it everything changes today yeah but it rarely ends up being the case where they end up like tiptoeing back and forth and it's it's a very complex journey that they that they go with but every once in a while out of necessity sometimes they just move somewhere like for example dubai it's a really good way to get off your addiction it kind of is because like like the drugs are so incredibly illegal there yeah yeah they have just have no access and that story you said with your friends with the bag of blow it was like that doesn't happen well maybe maybe it does but like i think it doesn't happen as often somewhere like dubai as it would in no in london exactly so the temptations is yeah is non-existent um so i guess necessity and the prescription of like force yourself to be in a position where you have no access to it like you did in thailand and like you did in with your baby yeah like anti-relapse yeah but i think there's something bigger at play because when i was pregnant a part of me did think oh when i have my baby i can't wait to go out on a bender again right and i think a lot of i know lots of people who have been pregnant abstain from drugs and alcohol and then as soon as they've or as soon as they felt better after like breastfeeding or whatever they've just gone back to their old habits and the reason i didn't wasn't just because i became a mom it's because i found a purpose and that became more important what i realized was part of that cycle of addiction was because i had nothing else to wake up for i had nothing else to focus my energy on.

30:41I was so bored and lonely and I had no focus. And so actually it was giving myself that sense of meaning in my life that really was the reason that I managed to give up. And now it's not like I'm sober. Like I do drink. I just don't drink a lot. Like I have one or two drinks. So yeah. Yeah. No, thank you for sharing that. I, when my friends and people around me have a hard time relating to me because i've been like stone cold sober pretty much my whole life right so if i tell them like oh yeah like maybe you should not i just seem so alien to them right kind of like how the people with the hats feel alien to me when they talk about manifesting like i seem alien to them because they don't think i have the perspective necessary like you don't know my relationship with this so you can't understand therefore your advice is meaningless to me right and i think that's why your advice is so meaningful because you have the perspective you've literally seen the extremes and people who are going through these tough times where they need to manifest something i think hearing about your struggle empowers them to actually overcome it versus just hearing about the process and the outcome yeah i think the reason is as powerful yeah yeah I think that's I think it's really important to be able to like relate to people and I think a big part of why I'm always so open is because I know that when I've been struggling there's actually nothing more comforting than hearing someone else who's gone through it and come out the other side it's like oh my god okay it's possible yeah absolutely do you think if you could have read your books as a student in Oxford would that have possibly changed the outcome of your life 100 my books are life-changing I know they are I know so yeah how did you have any figures or friends that tried to talk to you back then no you know I really didn't I think that was a big part of my the problem was like the loneliness and I was really lucky in that I had my brothers and sisters were like so kind and non-judgmental and so like I would often like after a bender get like I'd just like turn up at my brother's house at like 7 a.m and be like please let me sleep here because I just needed the like comfort and they never judged me they never like they were so amazing but a lot of my friends were also addicts without knowing it you know this is the thing about London and other big cities it's like what's the line between someone that has fun a lot and someone that's got a problem.

33:26And I think that then there's always someone worse than you. So it's really easy to be like, well, I'm not as bad as that person. Or you've got friends being like, oh, you're not that bad. You're fine. Like you're not doing in the morning, you know, as if that's the only way that you can be an addict. And so I didn't really have people around me to like turn to. And so that's why for me finding people online, like speakers and philosophers and you know that was where I found my inspiration and that's where I found my comfort because I didn't have that comfort in my in my life I love that you share that because I really feel like we're so blessed in this this generation to have access to like these friends that aren't our friends online like when I listen to a podcast I actually feel like I'm sitting with the people yeah and it's actually part of my support system yeah you know so I I completely agree with you.

34:17Yeah. I think that the resources we have today and the amount of great ideas that are out there for us to digest like organically versus like reading books, which is not a very easy thing to do as a 21 year old who likes to do other things. Yeah. You just play the podcast and go for a walk or whatever. Totally. That's a great, great part of our generation. Yeah. When did you realize that instead of just helping yourself, you could start to help others too? Probably, yeah, I would say through the Agni on Sundays. But then the first step I took was to do this workshop. So I kind of, I didn't really know what I was going to speak about.

34:59And I didn't know how it was going to go. But I was just like, I'm going to do what I say in step three, which is align your behavior, step outside your comfort zone, show up as a person you want to become. so I set this workshop up and it's so funny because I tell this story in my latest book Confidence I'll tell you now so when you are public speaking I mean I'm sure you've done a lot of it but like when you're in front of an audience and I didn't know this at the time but when people look at you they look like this they're like they're like deadpan they look either like f***ing bored or like they hate you and that's just their concentration face but I didn't know this at the time and so in my first workshop I remember there was this woman standing in the audience and she had this pink track suit on and she looked like she honestly like was having the worst time like she was death staring me and I was so self-conscious because obviously it was my first ever workshop and I was like oh my god is this like terrible and when it was the interval after the interval she came back and I was like why has she come back like she clearly isn't enjoying this anyway on the Monday I got an email and it said um hey I came to your show on the weekend I really loved it and I was wondering if you did one-to-one coaching I don't know if you remember me but I was wearing the pink tracksuit and it was crazy such a good lesson to me like firstly that like your inner critic is not to be trusted that you never know what someone else is thinking and there's always another perspective to take but more importantly it really kind of like made me see like I think this is what I'm supposed to be doing and what I'm sharing is helpful and is resonating and then I just went from there and you know I get so much genuine joy and pleasure out of being able to support and help other people I mean at the time my Instagram was much much smaller so I remember like a big part of how I grew was that I was so engaged with my community I mean I there was not one DM that I did not reply to for like years unfortunately like I can't do it now but then I was like adamant like I genuinely just wanted to help as much as I could I love that this podcast is brought to you by Pubelle by the Stard Guy bringing you charms hand-painted with enamel on 925 sterling silver allowing you to express all the things you love and all the things you might question from river bateaux to baggammon board and caviar tins to paddle rackets.

37:26There is a poubelle charm or completed set for everyone in The Know. Thank you so much for watching and enjoy the podcast. I guess the recurring topic on this podcast is generalist versus specialist. Right. That today in our economy, in our world that we find ourselves in, which is like this multi-hyphenate generalist that does social media and runs businesses, but also does public speaking and writes books on your side and my side frowns and makes bracelets. But it's a very modern way of doing business. And in your case, it comes at an incredible privilege to your audience. I think 10, maybe even 20 years ago, you would have had to do a lot of that one-to-one coaching where although it could have still been a sustainable business for you, it wouldn't align with your DNA of this abundance to all that you love to to spread the word yeah and you would not have been able to stretch as far as you can today so it's it's really an amazing thing that you can be a generalist and you can speak to millions of people yeah with all these different platforms it's funny as well because I in my second book well actually my fourth book confidence I talk about embrace your slash which is that I think that it's so easy to become defined by one part of ourselves like our one identity like I'm a lawyer or I'm a content creator or whatever and actually part of being able to be the best version of ourselves that exists means that we have to give space to all the different versions of ourselves because we are like I always think with every single person you interact with you're a different version of yourself like who you are with your family or your colleagues or your friends or your girlfriend whatever you're a different you in every version and it's the same with the parts of ourselves so I think embracing our slash you can now be like a lawyer by day but a dj by night you can be all these things and actually I think that's an amazing thing for us and I think that we should be embracing it and flourishing in it and enjoying it.

39:38I love that. This is actually a perfect segue to less manifesting more confidence. I'd love to talk about confidence. I mean it says that on your necklace. Yeah. And also it's your new book. Yeah. What is the transition from all your manifesting literature to confidence and what does that mean to you? Yeah well you know I think confidence is the foundation of everything and it is definitely at the core of manifestation because we can only manifest what we believe we're worthy of receiving and so for me confidence is I think there's this misconception that like some people are either confident or they're not do you know what I mean like it's this thing that you either naturally have and actually I think it's something that you build but more importantly than that I think it's something that all of us can uncover because I think deep down we all start off as confident people like if you look at kids like I look at my son right God bless his soul he is not the most talented when it comes to any sports right but if he calls it when every time he plays football he's like I am the goat and I'm like I love you for this mindset for this like real confidence and like you know it's so cute and we all start like that we start with this like amazing confidence or unapologetically ourselves we're not self-conscious and then basically life happens to us and to varying extents we all come to believe one thing which is that we are not enough as we are and so we start molding ourselves into being what we think the world wants from us our parents want from us society wants from us teachers peers and then we lose sight of who we are and with losing sight of who we are we lose our ability to be authentic we lose that foundational sort of self-esteem that we need to really thrive in all areas of our life and so I think that confidence is actually a journey back to ourselves and I've kind of defined eight really clear steps to do that in my new book it's confidence eight steps knowing your worth and much like the manifest books it's actionable it's uh really easy to read easy to understand easy to implement and you really do leave at the end feeling like you know how to come into your power i love that when you mentioned that your son has this like unbounded confidence yeah you said that we all start there yeah do you think that there are life experiences so we start at 100 yeah there's life experiences that bring that down yeah yeah yeah absolutely exactly so it can start from a comment in the playground it can start from your parents and you know for the parents by the way it can come in two ways our childhood and our caregivers and parents can affect us in two ways so it could be that let's say you had a mom who was always you know making sure that you had to dress a certain way and so you assumed that like how you dress was like really important and made you feel insecure about the way that you appeared or your presentation to people okay but it might be that your dad always told you how smart you were over and over and over again and so actually being smart became the thing that you pinned all your self-worth on and so actually if you didn't feel like the most intelligent in the room you couldn't feel worthy right so it can work but it can actually have a negative impact if you're over praised for one particular thing and so i think it can start there it can start with like all the different traumas we can experience as children and those are varying for all of us but we all experience them it can then be you know in your early teens it can be the things that happen at school it could be something that you watch in a movie or something you see online like it's coming at us from all angles like it's really no surprise that we end up so full of insecurities and limiting beliefs and all those things that so many of us struggle with and it really is like a universal problem and there's lots of stats in the beginning of the book but i mean dove did the survey where it's like 75 of young women have said that they've avoided certain activities because they feel too insecure about the way they look which is insane right because like they're actually missing out on life because of this low self-esteem and I was definitely the same you know I can say that I missed out on so much of my life just because I didn't feel good about myself yeah sorry about that no it's okay are there any small um things that you do that can give you a quick boost of confidence or things that you keep in mind yeah oh god so many so one would be affirmations so affirmations you know you don't for some people they think oh my god if I do an affirmation I have to be standing in front of the mirror being like you are beautiful doesn't have to be that it can just be as soon as you wake up i'm worthy of success i'm excited for what's coming i am more powerful than my fears and doubts i'm resilient and strong i can handle any challenges that come my way um whatever and you can use it to really like undermine those negative thoughts so let's say you're going into a meeting and you're like oh my god i'm gonna mess it up i'm no good it can really you just say the complete opposite so um this talk this meeting is going to go incredibly well i'm going to show off as my best self i'm confident in what i'm stepping into and your subconscious can't differentiate a truth from a lie so whatever you repeatedly tell it it will start to believe to be true and then it will always find evidence to make that reality true so you really start to make your subconscious work for you when you repeatedly use affirmations they're a really easy tool another one is called a power pose.

45:27So it's called, this is because of something called the embodied cognition effect. So it's true that the way that we feel impacts how we hold ourselves. So if you're feeling insecure, you'll likely be hunching your shoulders, you'll look down, you'll probably, you might speak quite fast, you might shuffle your feet. Okay. But actually it also works the other way around. The way that we hold ourselves affects how we feel. So if you hold a power pose for two minutes and there was this research on it um and you basically stand straight shoulders back roll down arms down in front of you and you have this kind of like uh your chin is like level um you know and you're sitting you're standing really upright you can actually trick your brain into feeling more confident so it's a really simple thing to do especially if you're going into a situation that might make you feel nervous um what else you know i think a part of it is constantly doing hard things so that one of my steps is do hard things because I think that big part of confidence is not about feeling ready and feeling capable of everything it's about knowing that you might f**k up but still going for it anyway it's not being afraid of failure it's about showing yourself that you're more capable than you give yourself credit for and every time you do something that challenges you build this like inner strength that is going to support you throughout your whole life.

46:48I love that. Love all those things. Thank you. So I'll be honest. Yeah. If I met you on a first date or matched with you on Raya and I saw you've written all these books and written all these things, I'd be like, oh my God, I'm cooked. Oh, right. Right. This girl knows too much. Right. She's going to know everything that's wrong with me on date one. Right. There's no way I can like try to act better than I am and hopefully maintain that like everyone does on a first date yeah yeah it's usually like usually date two is a little worse than date one yeah let's be honest everyone tries to be the best version of themselves in the first date it's natural but with you there's no hiding anything you know you know the whole thing right you know how is it to date people and are you are you as picky as i assume you are yeah okay this is so interesting that you say that because i keep saying i'm like guys don't really slide into my dms and my friends are always like short like of course they do and i'm like i'm telling you self-help isn't sexy like a guy's not coming onto my page and seeing that i'm in self-help and thinking that's hot i think it is but i think it's it's it's right it's wife hot it's like if i can make it through stage one and two as a stage three it's amazing like i think a self-help wife for a long-term partner is the dream for every man, every person.

48:14Oh, I see. But is it the dream as a first date where she's going to call me out and realize that I'm an idiot? Probably not. I see. So maybe this is why I'm not getting the DM. It's actually a good thing. You're filtering. Oh, I see. You're only getting the good ones. Oh my God. True. I like this. You know, it's true. I think, am I more picky? Yes. I think it's so funny because I'm kind of recently single. i've like me and wade have been on our for like seven years we love each other so much we're like best friends by the way and like spend all our time together anyway so that in itself may be problematic but for another time um does he come on the dates you'd think we might as well no um okay so we for example like a year ago when we broke up i would say in that time I dated someone and I think much more quickly you recognize I recognize the red flags so before I would have seen a red flag and just like completely ignored it and just been like who cares you know I'm so enjoying the attention by the way I'm a Leo and a Sagittarius and Scorpio rising and moon so I'm like triple fire so like I love intensity but interestingly I'm also so really avoidant um in love like a really avoidant attachment so I actually don't like I get scared of like being too close and not to give you like my whole fucking like history but um I've never I've never loved the idea of one person forever like it's not for me I'm not looking for like a husband but anyway but if I see a red flag now I'm like immediately out and that's a really interesting thing because it does make things last a lot less time and I can understand why like you're probably right in what you're saying that yeah if I saw someone and I was like oh no like I would see through it and I probably would just like bounce but I think that in many ways and this is like me being just like really super honest the thing that makes me pickier now than I was seven years ago is now I don't need anyone.

50:27And I think that seven years ago, I was so lost. I wanted someone to save me. And whether that I would have someone that was like financially secure, and could look after me, and I would probably be really like needy with. And now I don't need any of that. And it's a really weird thing. Because actually, now I'm trying to figure out what I actually want. Because I don't need anyone to save me. I don't need any, I don't need anyone, anything from anyone, but that can also be like a bad thing because men also need to be needed. I think like a lot of them there's like this. So I think I, I don't know where, what kind of guy will be, will like find someone who's in self-help and also like independent, sexy.

51:17So I'll see. I think the answer is a very confident guy. Right. Jokes aside, you're in the best position you can be in. Right. You're not looking for anything from someone else. You are not willing to tolerate red flags, which you shouldn't regardless. And the only reason why people tolerate red flags is because I think they likely don't feel as strongly about themselves as they should. Yes. They're like, oh, they're not great, but I'm also not great. Yeah. So fine. We're good enough for each other. Yeah. Which is a shame to think that way. Yeah. Maybe, of course, there are some things that are not great about ourselves we should work on.

51:51But for the most part, I don't think we should tolerate red flags we see day one. Because as we know, they always get more red. Yes. As time goes on. They rarely fade. Well, I always think people show you the best them in the beginning. Exactly. So if at the beginning they're f***ing up, imagine what it's going to be like a month two. Exactly. Or year two. Or when kids and complexion comes into the mix. So 100%. I'm fully aligned. I think just a confident man, to be honest. I think for a man to be able to be with a woman that doesn't need him is a huge blessing, but it definitely requires a big ego battle where it's, I'm with this person because we're building together and it's a partnership and not with this person because I want to feel needed.

52:41And if you want to feel needed and that's the thing you really desire, get a puppy. yeah like they literally need you to survive those things will die without you you know but like no no human's actually gonna die without you yes so if that's the emotion you're looking for think satisfy it with a puppy yeah and you'll be okay great advice I think so and also where do people meet people these days because I feel like I don't know I mean I struggle with the apps I mean I've only gone on Raya and I'm like oh my god I can't even message on back it's like too weird you know because they text you and they're like it's just like how are you or like the lamest one line and you're like come on so I struggle with the apps and then I think oh well I don't really drink or go out anymore so I can't meet someone on a night out but then I think well I probably want to meet wouldn't want to meet someone on a night out anyway because if someone's like partying loads it's probably not going to align with my 9 p.m bedtime it's true everything you've said I'm aligned with I haven't been on the apps I mean I tried the apps maybe like six years ago yeah you're not missing anything I know I know I also don't go out nightlife much so I don't really meet people at night I I'm so unlikely to date someone that I have no mutuals with even just one yes I need just at least one yes where I can make a call and say tell me something I don't know yes not in a creepy background check way but just kind of a creepy background check maybe a little bit of I can keep you back on track.

54:08But like, I'm trying to just know as much as I can as fast as possible. Yes. I think good dating is walking away as soon as you can. If you're going to walk away. Right. I love that. You don't want to go on date four if I should have ended on date one. It's a waste of everyone's time. 100%. And this is overcome tasks from the universe. See, you are doing that step. Oh, yeah. Yes. Nailed it. So I'm happy. so honestly I think like for me I speak I speak to my my sister and her friends about this all the time especially because I do think it's harder to find a good guy than it is to find a good girl these days yes I couldn't agree more sorry sorry sorry to the boys but if I go to a random restaurant in London yeah and I literally do this like my finger will accidentally land one of three times on like a great girl really I think so wow like head in the right space working on herself oh i like this aware of her desires yeah also do you think part of that is because women now in general are more open to self-help and self-development they're more open to working on themselves health and wellness is more trendy so that it's not like 10 years ago where everyone's just like raging the clubs yeah i think that's a big part of it i think so I think also a part of it is men, myself included are less in touch with our truth and what I mean by that is we say we want X and we want it eventually but do we want it now?

55:42We're kind of like, I don't know Expand on that Honestly, I think a lot of us are just like stupid monkeys to be honest and we our timelines

55:58are different to women's. Right. And I think when women say they're ready for something, they usually are. Right. And when men say they're ready for something, they're usually lying. Honestly. And it's like... Yes. And we change our minds like 10 times a day about everything. Right. I think so, honestly. I also do think though... But I'm 28. Men do... Are you really only 28? Yeah. Oh my God, stop. Yeah. wow maybe i'm just a young ape and then i'll grow out of it oh yeah you got ages to think about that yeah i think that also men do tend to tell women on the first date if they're not ready for something but then they should but sometimes they lie and they have the wrong intentions with the right words and they hurt the girl's feelings right i think honesty is the most important thing but the problem is a lot of women will ignore what they tell them i'll i open book here let's just have this conversation tell me i have been through phases of life when i'm more serious and been through phases of life when i'm less serious and when i'm less serious and i meet a girl and i say by the way i'm gonna i'm in a phase right now where i'm not so interested in anything serious just want to put this out there date one just so you know very good of you 30 walk away yeah happy for you you know what you want you should walk away yeah 30 30 say i'm in also great we're aligned yeah 30 say i bet you i can change that yeah that's a tough one yeah because that's where there's the gray area mismatch of expectations and reality and those are the ones that usually end up with like someone feeling awkward or hurt even yeah yeah so yeah aligned it's true i think the best place to meet new people yeah is actually to create an environment with people who are value aligned gender agnostic like just put a room together of people that you would want to be your new friend group right and a great example of this is Mimi and Alex Icons dinners yes like that room is people that are value aligned with me yeah and I would love for my future partner to be in that ecosystem yeah or at least be able to like navigate that space yeah the conversations they have the time of day the location all matters totally so through friends and through like just moments that are aligned with who you want to become i think is the best way yeah going to a members club that you don't like to meet people you likely won't like totally it's not really the place it's so funny my friend yesterday was said to me she texted me and was like i think you should go i went to this intelligent change summit which is obviously alex's amazing and she was like there were so many hot guys there the kind of guy you're looking for is probably it's something like that are you going this summer i'm actually not i can't i spoke there twice it's amazing i've heard it's really cool but it's soon it's like next week it's In two weeks.

59:01Yeah. Just go. I know. Yeah, that's, I think, the best way is through friends and through life. Yeah. Are there questions you ask people on a first date always to try and? No, I haven't been on a first date. I haven't been on a first date for so long. Oh, really? The last one I went on was a long time ago, like a year ago, a year ago. Oh, my God. Do I know him? No. But I went on it and we were texting before and I was like, he's cute. Like, we have lots of mutual friends. and he had like three tequila shots and two gin and tonics in an hour and I had like sipped on one drink and I was like I don't know if this is gonna work and he'd also told me about all his abandonment issues and how he like leaves everyone when he gets too close and I was like probably should just leave this now and it was like so easy because I was in a place in my life for like seven years ago i would have ignored it and just been like f**k it let's just go on a second date just so i can like validate my ego whereas actually i was like it doesn't matter and actually it's so funny because i then saw him again and he was like you are the first girl that's ever left a date in all the years i've been alive what are your non-negotiables okay ala pubelle as i would call them in oh yeah in my lingo of course what are your ala pubelle's okay heavy drinking A la poubelle.

1:00:23And aligned. My wife is sober. Yeah. Or close to it. Okay. I love this. Wife wifey. I like it when you say wifey. Wifey. Oh, I love that. So cool. Okay. Talking about how busy and successful he is on the first date. A la poubelle. Yeah, no. Wearing flip flops. A la poubelle. Is that a thing? People wear flip flops on their first date with you? They won't now. okay fine what if you're in the maldives acceptable fine just go barefoot actually i agree right i actually made a video about being barefoot in the maldives oh there we go aligned okay talking badly about his ex-girlfriend yes can he bring up his ex-girlfriend yes absolutely but trashing your ex-girlfriend not a good sign no thank you uh trashing anyone at all actually right yeah just uh negative complaining any kind of complaining bad vibes their boss the cab driver who flipped them off on the way there yeah no yapping oh another one got another one okay so complaining morning rude to the staff always always um

1:01:36already telling me how busy they are so that they're setting me up for how much they won't like if a guy was like yeah i'm really concentrating on work at the moment it's gonna be really busy six months ahead i'll only see you after 11 yeah on wednesdays yeah and if they don't text you within the first 24 hours of the date we're gone within the first 24 of the date yeah okay is there a good time of day to text someone as well when the sun's up i like do you know what i love i'm texting someone at the moment who text me in the morning and i'm into that i like that i'm very into that good morning text is so much cooler than an evening text i think actually daytime dating as well is a great thing do you i think so what would be your ideal daytime date drinks or dinner yeah i don't do drinks because i'm sober and it's creepy to take a girl drinking when i'm having a water it's like super weird yes so i will go to ideal first date is like coffee and walk cute and always daytime i think no matter how gentle and kind yeah man can be the daytime works by your side to not come off as slimy ever interesting in the evening but do you think it's as easy because i've never done a daytime date right because my majority of my dating happened when i was insane and do you think i've always wondered like because people often say this they're like go for like a nice walk or like something chilled but do you think it's quite hard to find like a sexual chemistry when you're doing that i'm never looking for that in the first date interesting yeah i'm always looking to actually build a friendship date one yeah and actually i don't even consider it a date i actually want to nearly friend zone date one and learn as much as i can about the person yeah and make them think like is even into me because the answer is i don't know if i'm even into them so i don't want to pretend like yes to be all romantic because it's fake yeah i can't be all romantic on a first date it's a first date i like this you know so first date has to be just friendly because i have to just get to know the person on a friendly basis talk to me about your ex talk to me about whatever you want to talk about just so i can gather as much information as possible date one okay and get a vibe for you yeah and if we do somehow progress yeah yeah somewhat romantically then date two we can go on a beautiful dinner and of course all those things yeah yeah yeah but i think for a date one just to get to know the person yes keep it casual keep it friendly daytime no creepiness of like oh let me drive you home and is he gonna kiss me in the car date two three four fine of course right do the good night kiss do the whole thing yeah but on a date one it can easily come off as like what are his intentions does he think i'm that type of girl but if you're just going for a walk at noon yes there's no does he think i'm that type of anything that's so nice so i think that's the move i like that okay what about fantastique like just chef's kiss if he does this oh you're gonna call up the girls and say can you believe this guy is okay He's a gem.

1:04:47He did this thing. Okay. So I think pre-date is just like being forthcoming about like being like the one who takes control of the situation. Fine. And just being like, here's where, like, here are some dates I'm free. Are you free on any of those? This is where we're going. Perfect. Forthcoming. Organized, forthcoming. Yeah. Taking initiative. Yeah. Love it. um any all chivalry opening the door walking on the side of the street uh near the road all those kind of little things i think are just on the stick absolutely um asking lots of questions i think like the best thing a guy can do is be a good listener and men so rarely are like i think it's really easy just in my experience this is not all men but it's so you it's rare enough that when you meet a guy that is genuinely asking you questions interested in your life it's so attractive and it's so nice and you're like oh wow they don't just want to talk about themselves so being a good listener and asking lots of questions nice follow-up questions yeah fantastic yeah love that how do you feel about the question how about you because some people feel differently about it they're like I don't want to have this same back and forth again change it up I'm curious as in just saying how about you yeah like to everything like just to get your yeah no we can do better than that I think so too there's so many good podcasts on how to be a good conversationalist it's true listen to some good idea okay fantastic Vanessa Van Edwards actually did a really good one of Diary of the CEO yeah and it's good for anyone listening that needs i love that overseer oh it's so good it's so good good sense of humor okay key obviously i think who doesn't and someone that seems genuinely like kind and respectful to all people you know like when you see someone that's like really kind to the people that that work wherever you are or who are letting like you know helping an old lady across the street who knows just kindness is a part of their dna yes and you just trying to get something from you yes exactly i agree with that yeah and good taste i do think for me dress sense is key fantastic yeah at dinner on the first date yeah what is the percentage split of conversation categories that you think is ideal like half jokey goofing around yeah half deep and about your life story oh interesting do you want to talk work do you want to talk shop to be honest i love my job and i love business and i love work so if i could talk to someone who understood and was interested i would find that very sexy okay i think that the deep conversation is also key like i really think it's a way of really connecting with someone and building that kind of like deeper attraction and then it's also good to have like fun so I would say like 30 30 okay nice 33 33 33 okay I think a lot of men when they hear about a problem like to throw in advice sometimes solicited often yeah unsolicited yeah how do you feel about advice versus listening I think that because it's so well-intentioned and it's just what men go to do I think it's fine I think if it is that you just want to be heard you need to tell people at the beginning like I've got this problem don't worry I don't even want to know what to do about it let me just tell you yeah and just listen because I think sometimes if we expect someone to give us something that is not natural to them but we haven't asked what we need it's unfair to then be annoyed with them for it do you know what i mean makes sense great and i have to ask because seeing as you're giving me my dating advice now am i basically you're giving me the advice well i don't know i think it's a two-way advice street and i love it we're just gathering we're gathering um I have a kid and what do you think from a guy's point of view like I because I the other day was texting this guy and it was like I realized I hadn't mentioned that I have a kid and I was like oh yeah I've got like little boys nearly six what because when I speak to Wade about it Wade's like I was like you know what if a guy's put off by the fact that I have a kid he's like I think that's way less likely for a guy to be put off by it than a girl because of different stages of life and stuff what's your opinion on it would you be put off by someone having a kid i think put off is the wrong word yeah but it would definitely be something i would consider i think

1:09:56when choosing a partner it's always just like this weighted scale of decision making right it's like everyone's gonna have some flaws yeah and everyone's gonna have some challenges and everyone's gonna have some things some things to deal with yeah but the do the pros outweigh those challenges right being with someone that already has a kid has so much beauty but undeniably has so many challenges yeah for sure am i in the state of mind where i can manage those things maybe and is she's so right as a partner to me in the other categories where I'm so happy to go for that burden yes so the answer to that to me is it depends on the mother and the girl yeah so am I willing to be with a girl who's a mother yes as long as that challenge is worth it in all the other categories yeah so I think that knowing about it first and foremost is totally fine because you'll get rid of the guys that it's a non-negotiable for which is fine it's non-negotiable for guys and girls for whatever reason but for people who are open to it like i have a friend of mine who's dating a girl 10 years older than him with two kids right and the kids have brought him so much happiness like he's the happiest guy in the world because she has kids oh god that's so cute yeah he's like obsessed he's the happiest guy in the world so i think It's so lovely.

1:11:18Some men look for it as well. Yes. You know? Yeah. Oh, that's so sweet. Yeah. So I think it depends on the right guy. Yeah, yeah. Interesting. A lot of my friends have kids. Oh, really? Most of my friends are older than me. Yeah. That makes sense. I have one friend who's 34, four kids. No. No. Wow. He's been with his wife since he was 15. Oh, my God. How old is the oldest? The eldest is 12. Oh, my God. That's so cute. It's really, really cute. Do they love it? They love it. Oh, my God. How fast? And he's like the most, like, bring the kids everywhere dad ever. Yeah. They're the most bring the kids everywhere parents.

1:11:54That's so cool. It's so cool. She sits at dinner with us and we're talking about like everything. And she just hears everything. It's very chic. Oh my God, I love it. And they're based in Stad. Oh, crap. Even better. Even better. Even better. Well, I want to continue my learning on the Roxy journey. I'll start with the seven steps of manifestation. book i'll move on to confidence yeah what else can i do where can i learn more yeah just a little bit every day so i have my podcast rise with roxy so i have amazing guests from jay shetty okay tara swart love that like amazing guests and experts what should i do while i listen to your podcast go for a walk yeah daytime walk daytime walk pretty work fresh air oh yeah while you're on the commute to work while your do your listeners commute or do they go with their driver my listeners probably i think i have a lot of get ready with me listeners yeah we're getting ready getting ready for dinner yeah oh they'll put it on youtube yes so there's probably a girl out there doing her makeup right now i love this you look great you look stunning you smash it you look great look out for the red flags i think exactly i think there's a lot of those um yeah so rise Rise of the Roxy.