To The Point: Careers

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1:26Lois at home over the summer and she's been doing lots of different kinds of work experience and this week she was somewhere else and going to meet new people and it's that sense of trepidation and how do I behave in this situation and what do you think I should do and what time do you think I should get there and I'm here do you think I should introduce myself to somebody should I call somebody to let them know I don't want to look annoying and of course it was quite annoying for me that she kept asking me that but I understood it and I got it because you have to take yourself back to a time, I think sometimes where you didn't know how to behave and either you're going to fake it and you're just going to behave the thing the way that you should, or you're going to behave in a way that you feel might be wrong and will kind of grate on people or annoy them.

2:07So hopefully she got through the week with a little bit of advice from me, but it did actually kind of come back to me, that thought process of learning those things when I read this email from Caroline, because maybe this relates to you and the fact that we maybe never get to that place where we feel really comfortable. She says, dear Gabby, I'm midlife, mid career, and feel like I'm still striving to reach my potential. We'll get onto that bit in a moment. She says, I've never enjoyed networking, but understand it's a tool so many people use to push their careers forward. Do you have any tips or advice for someone like me who at my age really should have the confidence to network?

2:43Well, I totally appreciate where you're coming from on that because I spent most of my 30s being told by my husband that I was terrible at networking. He is a natural networker. He just has this ability to come home with 20 business cards, or he's met somebody that needs something and he's got some kind of connection for them. Whereas I would come home and say, oh, I spoke to this person who was some really influential, well, did you get their number? Did you get their email address? No. And so I had to kind of learn that behavior a little bit through my 30s. But there is also the point of actually having the confidence to have that conversation in the first place.

3:17And I think one of the things I've learned is that, first of all, a compliment goes a long way. So if you want to talk to somebody and there's a reason that you respect them, you like what they've done, it's always a good thing to say, oh, I really enjoyed that presentation you did, or I loved that last film you made. I mean, obviously that's if you're talking to an actor. But if you're going into somebody that you actually professionally understand what they do, then just find something they've done that you like. that will warm them up hopefully. And then I think don't be worried about the fact that they might not be interested in you.

3:50You can join in a conversation that a few people are having and if they don't take any notice of you, so what? That's it, you walk away. And that's the bit that I think is quite hard for a lot of people to think that actually I might come away from this and those people might not have been interested in me at all. They might not have wanted to engage with me, but actually if they don't, that's their loss, right? And if they don't, they'll walk away and they won't remember you anyway. And it's that thing of nothing ventured, nothing gained. And I think the first time you dive in, and it is really like diving in, you'll feel scared, you'll feel a little bit nervous, your palms might be a bit sweaty, don't shake their hand, just say hello, and then just see what happens.

4:28And then the next time it's going to feel a little bit easier. And that's a face-to-face meeting. But of course, the easiest thing to do is to send an email. And somebody once told me that you can cold call with an email, you don't get a response, Try again a month later. Try again a month after that. Do it three times. And each time, obviously, have a slightly different tone. I sent you an email. I'm not sure you've had time to think about it. But usually by the third time, the person will feel either guilty enough or they were interested and they didn't have time and they'll get back to you.

4:58If they don't get back to you after three times, they're probably not going to get back to you. But I think cold emails, if they're to the point, they're short, not too wordy. The ones that work for me, because I get cold called emailed quite a lot, are ones that tell me almost immediately what that person wants from me. If it's a charity request or if it's something they'd like to talk to me about with work, rather than a 14 paragraph email where I've got to kind of try and distill the information myself. So keep it short and sharp, be as polite as you can, smile and just remember that actually most of the time the people that care most about how you're behaving and what you're doing are you and people aren't noticing those things.

5:38So hopefully that helps in terms of making that networking connection and getting yourself a bit more confident with networking. But it was the first sentence of this email as well that I quite liked about reaching your potential and striving. I had a conversation with somebody about this recently and I said to them that actually that is the curse of the curious, that if you're interested in doing lots of different things, then you'll never quite feel like you've got there. And even at 53, I sometimes feel like I'm not doing all the different things I thought I would do when I was in my 20s. And there are still lots of other things I want to do and I'm interested in.

6:12And that means that you keep striving. And actually, there's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with keeping going. It doesn't mean that you haven't reached this point, this kind of line in the sand that you thought you were going to get to. I always used to talk to Lois about the fact that when I was about 13, I thought there were three things that needed to happen in my life that I would know I'd kind of grown up and made it. I had to have my first period, had to wear a bra and had to have sex. And once those three things had happened, I thought I'd actually sorted out the universe and I knew everything.

6:41And of course, that is not what happens. And there have become more milestones and more landmarks along the way that you feel like you've got to hit all these beats in life. And the beauty of getting into your 40s and 50s is realizing that actually it's just never ending. You'll never sort it out. You'll never actually get to the point where you know everything and you've sorted out all your problems and that's absolutely fine. That's what makes life interesting and life worth living, I think. So don't worry about that feeling of still striving. I think that means that you're really interesting, actually, if you're still striving.

7:15So I'd rather hang out with you than somebody who thought they'd sorted it all out.

7:21And we've had another one from Becky who says, hello, Gabby. I wonder if you can help. I have a lovely life. It's been the same routine, though, for the last 10 to 15 years, and I feel desperate for change. The question is, do I change something drastically and risk blowing everything up or start making small changes that could snowball? I can't be the only one yearning for something new. Well, I think, Becky, personally, that to blow everything up might be a bit of a mistake. And I wouldn't want you to go and blow everything up because if you're talking about a relationship, if you're talking about your job, I think there are ways to tweak those things and maybe just one thing at a time.

7:59So let's say it's your work. You don't specifically say what it is that the routine is, but say it's your job and you really want to change. And we've had some great guests on The Midpoint talking about that. One in particular who'd written a book called Repotting or had a philosophy called Repotting, which was kind of taking yourself out of a situation and changing your life through different methods, whether it is maybe going down to part-time in your work and then taking on a course or doing some volunteer work that just takes you into a space you want to be. So it's quite hard to know exactly what it is that you want to change in your career.

8:35But I think doing it incrementally is probably better than just giving up your job, unless you've got financial security and you can do that. Most people need to work. So I think bringing something into your working life that really intrigues you, I think will keep you curious and keep you wanting to learn will help. And often that is doing a course or doing some kind of further education. If it's your relationship or it's a relationship, might not be the relationship in your life. Again, I think there are other ways of doing that without just cutting all ties, unless that person's being horrible to you.

9:07But if it's just something that feels a bit boring, there are so many ways that I think you can make that a little bit more interesting and having an honest conversation with the person. If it's somebody you really value and want to keep in your life might be the way to do it. But I think often underlying that feeling of being stuck is actually a lack of movement. And now that movement might be physical movement. So I don't know what you're doing in terms of your exercise, whether you're walking or running or doing any exercise at all. But sometimes that helps because you are just physically moving then and that will then make you feel like you're moving forwards.

9:43I know it sounds really simplistic, but sometimes people just start jogging and everything else in their life kind of seems to fall into place because they have that mental time to work out, but they also have that physical motion going forwards. And the other thing that I think you can move is your body to a different country or a different place. And just visiting places you don't go to very often. It might not even be a different city or a different country. It might be trying new restaurants, watching films that you didn't think were for you, listening to music that you've never listened to before, or doing something culturally, going to a museum, if you've never been to an art gallery, just doing something that you've previously thought wasn't your thing.

10:23And if the person that you normally do your social life with or your cultural kind of life with doesn't want to do those things, then do it with somebody else. And then you are making change and you're making movement into another area. So I think the most important thing is the movement factor, moving yourself and moving your in terms of fitness and exercise and moving your goalposts in terms of what you think you can do. Thanks so much for your questions. If you've got any more or any dilemmas or anything you'd like to discuss, please get in touch. I do love hearing from you. Our email address is hello at midpointlife.com or you can find us on social media at midpointlife.

11:00I love hearing from you, but that's all we've got time for this week. We'll see you next time on Life at the Midpoint.