313: Ellie's Dad - life lessons, a quiz, and some "jokes"

0:00Therapy's biggest impact doesn't show up in some dramatic breakthrough. It shows up in the smallest moments. You bite your tongue instead of escalating. You put your phone down instead of firing off that text. You say what you actually mean instead of what would hurt someone else the most. Nobody applauds those moments, but they quietly change your life. That's what growing feels like, and that's exactly what Grow Therapy is here for. Grow is therapy that works, covered by insurance. Sessions average$21 with insurance, and some pay as little as$0, depending on their plan. There are no subscriptions, no long-term commitments.

0:37You just pay per session. Grow connects you with thousands of high-quality, licensed therapists across the U.S., offering both virtual and in-person sessions, nights and weekends. You can search by what matters, like insurance, specialty, identity, or availability. And you can book a therapy session in minutes and begin in as little as two days, not the national 48-day average. See if you could pay as little as$0 for therapy in seconds at growtherapy.com slash ACAST. That's growtherapy.com slash ACAST. growtherapy.com slash ACAST. Availability and coverage vary by state and insurance plan. There's nothing like the American Express Platinum Card.

1:21Find out your welcome offer after you apply, which could be as high as 175 ,000 points. Learn more and find out your offer at americanexpress.com slash explore dash platinum. Terms apply. Okay, let's start the recording. Did you just try and sing Happy Birthday in the style of Marilyn Monroe singing it to JFK? Happy Birthday. No, I didn't ask you to do it. I was about to tell you never to do that again. Don't... In the style of Marilyn Monroe. All right, go on then. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. That's not even how the lyrics of happy birthday go. Yes, it is. Happy birthday to you.

2:05Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, Mr. President. It doesn't go happy birthday, happy. It doesn't go happy birthday. No, but I wanted to get in the Mr. President bit because it's fine. Oh, all right. It takes too long otherwise. Oh, so it didn't sound iconic. Brevity is the soul of wit. Absolutely terrifying. Sounded like you'd work on a sex line. Right, OK, let's go and do a podcast.

2:31Hello, scumbags. This is the Scummy Mummies podcast. With your hosts, Ellie Gibson and Helen Thorne.

2:44Hello and welcome to the Scummy Mummies podcast. It's me, Ellie Gibson. And it's me, Helen Thorne. Helen, you sound a little bit less enthusiastic than usual about our guest. Who have we got today? I'm thrilled and delighted. Are you? I am. No, I am. I've gone up. Don't. Who's here today, Ellie? It's your dad. Hello, readers. It is I. I'm so old, Jim. For those of you who don't know, who are you, Jim Gibson slash Barclay? slash Ellie's dad. I am the man, readers, who originally told jokes which precipitated the downfall of capitalism and brought an end to tyranny and injustice wherever it raises its ugly head.

3:28And you can see how good a job I did, can't you? Thank you, Jim. I heard that Marxism's coming back, Dad, like bootcut jeans is coming back. Alexi Sayle's doing videos about it on TikTok. It is not a subject for trendy magazines. TikTok is not a magazine. I hate it, Eddie. There aren't any magazines. No, well... Only the Lego ones that you buy for£5. Social major. Media, I mean, what's it called? Social media as well, you know. Yes, but, you know, so, I mean, how would you describe yourself now these days? So you've been so many things in your life, Dad, the most important thing being my father, but obviously you've been a stand-up comedian, you've been an actor, you've been a supply teacher, you've been a motorbike delivery man.

4:13Have I forgotten anything? No, you see, what happens is most people work away from those jobs and become, you know, comedians or actors. I'm going backwards. I'm now a roadie. You are, of course, a roadie for the Scummy Mummies, though. So that's an honourable title, isn't it? How many years have we been on the road together? This is the 10th, 12th year, is it? I don't know. It's the 12th year of Scummy Mummies. We're coming up to our 12-year anniversary. I think you've been driving for us for, what, 10, 9 years? Yeah, blimey. Yeah, so, yes, so it's about time you moved on. Thank you. Only one damaged rear light readers, and that wasn't my fault.

4:54It was the post that I hit. You literally backed into a post, and there was no other traffic at all. Yeah, but it didn't move. The post was just immobile. No, it wasn't one of those inflatable posts. No, no. Well, thanks for coming on the podcast, Dad. We wanted to have you on because, first of all, you're available and accessible. But also, we thought we'd do a little Father's Day special, didn't we, Helen? That's right. And your father is in Australia, which is far too far to go for a podcast. Yes. Yeah, that's right. My dad is 89 now. And early podcast listeners might remember that we did a Father's Day special or a Father's special with you and my dad probably about 10, 11 years ago.

5:36so I thought it would be lovely to have you back on Jim because you're very much adored you're very loved by our listeners our readers and it would be lovely to hear you again and have your dulcet tones well it is now my 70th year so what year were you born in again? I was born quite a long time ago so what you're 78 now? yeah it was the year that Charlton Athletic won no Derby County won the FA Cup don't care So, yeah, you just had a birthday and you've just had, let's be honest, Dad, was it the greatest day of your life? No. No, not your birthday. I mean, you've just had another day, which, am I right in saying, was it the greatest day of your life?

6:22I think you could say it was very, very close to such a thing. I once scored 78 for Dulwich on our home ground. That must have been a long football match. No. and I upset the tennis ladies by hitting sixes into the tennis courts. But that's awful. There's the patriarchy for you. That's typical toxic masculinity spoiling the party for everybody. Yeah, well, it wasn't my fault that the tennis courts were such close proximity to the cricket pitch. But that's another stationary object that we're now blaming for your ineptitude and chaos. Good, good, good. Come on, what day am I talking about, Dad?

6:57That happened recently. You remember? It was, readers, the day. Crystal Palace thanks to Eberechi Etze scored a magnificent goal in the first 15 minutes after Manchester City completely dominated the game Crystal Palace got one break away went bang bang three passes goal without a Manchester City player even sniffing the ball what a day what a day readers because you've been a Crystal Palace supporter your whole life haven't you? I have indeed I was a supporter of Crystal Palace when I was managed by Burt Head Who's that? Was he the Queen Victoria's right-hand man? Burt Head was the manager in 1971.

7:38But are we here to talk about football, Orly? I'm hot for that, yeah. No, well, I just want... Because you were at the match, weren't you? You were at the actual Crystal Palace. I was there. £118, well spent. He has mentioned, readers, he's mentioned the amount of money he spent on the ticket. I'm going to say Helen hourly in the lead up to the match and pretty much since. Would you agree? Yeah, I haven't seen Jim for a couple of months and the last 24 hours. He's mentioned at least upwards of 20 times. Yes. I might as well say, readers, it cost me four scummy mummy's gigs in fees to pay for my cup.

8:14Very. Didn't even cost you one. Didn't even cost you one. That's outrageous. You say very generously. Very, too generously. Honestly, anyway, but honestly, I know I not cost£118. Let's get that out of the way. But what joy did it bring you? What did it mean? What did it mean for you to watch Stokalas win? It was the realisation of a dream. Here's my local team. And they are not very money. They don't have a bottomless pit like Manchester City. They've barely got£118 to score. I don't know why you're moaning. That's where they need the money. Exactly. And there they are. But, you know, they take on the likes of the Manchester Cities and the Man United and the Spurs and all this.

8:57And they are the cup winners of 2025. And if UEFA allow it, because there might be financial complications, they will be in Europe next year. Oh, for the Big Cup Cup. The Big Cup Cup. What they call it, the Big Cup Cup. Yes. Coming to ITV this awesome. So that is when, like, people from teams from different European countries play off. and it's like the best of the best. Yes, I'm sure your readers will love to hear the defeat because they're actually in what's called the Europa League, if you want to be specific. Oh, I really do. Elliot's just fallen asleep, readers. No, but beyond, as we all know, it is a game, but it's more than a game, isn't it?

9:41Because this is something that brings people hope and joy and you see, you know, parents with their children or people with their parents enjoying it. And it means something to them. It's about community and it's about lifting people's spirits. Well, it makes you, in the word of the song, feel glad all over. Oh, lovely. Wow. But seriously, how did it feel, that moment when the... Because Palace School quite early on, didn't they? And then I was watching at home going, oh! And then how did it feel when that final whistle went and you knew that literally, a dream you've literally dreamed of for 78 years had finally happened.

10:19Did you get something in your eye? Did you cry? Dave Clark Five crystallised it, didn't they? The Dave Clark Five in 1963 brought out one of the greatest records of all time. Oh, I thought they were wrongfully imprisoned. I thought it was like the Birmingham Six, the Dave Clark Five. Yeah. No, no. So I'll sing it for... You say that you need me all of the time and I'm feeling boom, boom, glad all over. I will get a copyright strike stop. Yeah. So, but yeah, was it emotional? Was it just sheer joy coursing through your ancient veins? Well, isn't joy an emotion? Is it not? Well, there's sheer emotion.

10:55You've got to have sheer emotion and joy. One is a generic term. This is semantic. The other is an emotion. Welcome to my life, readers. This is the Gibsons in a nutshell. Are you calling me anti-semantic? Did you cry? Did you cry or not cry? I'm not calling you anti-semantic. and it's a very difficult time. Let's not go down that road. No one wants to go down that road, Dad. Don't touch that. Don't get us cancelled. Don't get us cancelled. Did you cry? Yes. Good. Okay, good. I love that you shout that. Did you have an emotion? Yes, I did. What do you want from me? Did you weep? That's what I want to know.

11:36I want to have the vision in the reader's head of an old man weeping, tears streaming rivers, Flowing down his carrot and blue shirt. Readers, Crystal Palace FC have waited 120 years to win a single trophy and they have finally done it. What am I supposed to do? Cry. Cry. That's what I was asking. Just cry. Now, I want to ask you. So they won. They went off. There were men crying. So what did it mean for you to see them raise the cup in the air? Because that was to watch on telly. there was all these young players, wasn't there, that obviously have brought new life into the club. Did it make you cry?

12:23The point is the raising of the FA Cup is steeped in historical, all those black and white newsreels in the 1950s, you know, people lifting the air, the man in the white coat singing, abide with me, and 100 ,000 people joining in. And we all did that. Before the game, we all sang, fast falls the eve, and Ellie's falling asleep again, readers. Why are you singing so much today? What's going on? Joyful. I like it. Oh, BGT, what are you doing? You could be the new... We could monetise him, Helen. He could be the new Captain Tom. Yes. Yes. Right, get in the garden. Start walking now. I'm applying for a charity status right now.

13:02We could get a spa in the garden. Look, studies have revealed people don't just want the spoken word. They want music. They want laughter. They want gauly. They want vivacity. They want all them things. They don't just want the spoken word. Captain Jim, that's what we're going with. I'm going to drop a business plan straight after this. Now, Ellie, you were in a bit of a bind because you were watching at home, but your son and your husband barracked from Manchester City. So you were divided amongst the men in your family in a way. Well, my husband, my son, they know how much this means to Grandad Jim.

13:34So they, to be honest, by the end of it, but even in the first five minutes, Pete had already sort of switched his allegiance. and Charlie was very conflicted about the whole thing. And in fact, he got very upset a few nights before the match. It's my big son. And we put him to bed one night. And you know that thing when it's late at night and you're like, you can't wait to just finally go to bed and then they want to chat. And he wanted to chat. Every fucking time. Oh, mum. Oh, yes, yes. I hear I'm being very present. Yes. Yep. And he said to, because he said to Pete that day, like they've been talking about who was going to win Crystal Palace on Man City.

14:09And Charlie had said, oh, well, if Crystal Palace don't win, then, you know, it still might happen again. I reckon that granddad's got another 15 years in him. And Pete went, oh, no, he hasn't got that long.

14:27Charlie was quite upset. There was another Gibson crying that day. And then so I had to console him that night. and I said, look, the thing is, Charlie, who does Grandad, what does Grandad love? What's the one thing that Grandad loves even more in the whole world, even more than Crystal Palace? And Charlie went, well, like me and his other grandsons. And I was like, yeah, exactly. So if Manchester City win, Grandad will be really happy because the people he loves most in the world are happy. And deep down, I think Grandad actually really wants Manchester City to win. I think you're living in a world deluded man.

15:10It was a bedtime story. I was trying to console a child. And so Charlie went, okay, all right, fine. He seemed okay with that. Well done, mummy. So I went downstairs and I recounted this conversation to Pete, whose face did what yours had just done. And he used to open his mouth and I said, now, shh, shh. Don't ruin it. I said, that is the story we're going with. And that is the story we're sticking with. I know it's not true. you know no no it's not true but god's sake my dad knows it's not true but charlie that's that's what we're doing yeah capisce and pete was like yeah yeah that's what we're doing the fact is readers that in 1990 and 2016 i saw crystal palace lose twice in the cup final at wembley the third time third time lucky against another manchester team they had to win so it is pretty apocryphal what ellie's just described but never mind what would you what would you have done if they had not won would you have been on the phone to me going right get get me in the car we're going to dignitas i didn't think you were going with that no but here we are oh gosh now let's talk about your top oh let's talk about your what do you call is it a jersey what is it i've got red and blue shirts today oh very nice jimbo sorry sorry listener you're not trained to this side But you wore, to the match, you wore your Crystal Palace football top.

16:33Now, it's not this year's strip, is it, Dad? How old is that football top? Well, the sponsor is the same. TDK? Yeah, it's still got the same sponsor. Yeah, I thought they don't even make cassettes anymore, do they? Anyway, but you had that strip on. And how long have you had that shirt? Well, when I was 50 years old. What year was that? So it was given to me for my 50th birthday. So you wore your, and it says Gibson on the back, doesn't it? So you wore your 28-year-old shirt, which is fair enough. That's what they call a vintage retro football game. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You wore it to the match, and then you went out and celebrated, didn't you, that night?

17:10And I thought, oh, I'll do a nice lunch the next day, a sort of celebration lunch. And you turned up to the lunch still wearing that shirt. No, I didn't want to take it off in case they decided to reverse the decision for some reason. That'll hold it, yeah. Yeah, and I was like, oh, you put your shirt back on, Dad. No, what did you say? Well, no, I didn't take it off. Couldn't take it off. You slept in it, didn't you? The fact is, readers, what I've discovered, if you wear it long enough, eventually red and blue stripes permeate and make a little tattoo, actually, on your skin. You marked for everything.

17:43I mean, you can't get more, you know, committed to your football team. And I believe you kept it on that night as well, didn't you? Yeah. Slept in it again. How many days and nights did we end up wearing the pants? Oh, that's for me. The readers don't want to hear that kind of thing, you know. It has been washed now. What devotion? So what's next? Like, do you feel like now that you've seen that, now that's, you know, a very significant moment in your life. It's like an Alexander saw that there were no more worlds to conquer and he wept. Is it like that? You should do that with a Sid Waddell voice, you know.

18:17You can't just do that. Nobody knows who that is. I don't know. Sid Waddell, the greatest sports commentator of all time, did a darts commentary. And he was talking about Bristol. I like Bristol. I know, that's what the reference was. Yeah. They won't understand it if you just quote it, you know, without a reference. Readers, it's the darts, the greatest. Sid Waddell used to commentate on the darts. He was brilliant. He was either Welsh or Geordie. No one's quite sure. And he had this wonderful, wonderful way with him where we'd dip into Greek mythology while somebody was trying to get down from 501.

18:53Lovely. So good. Now you've explained the joke. You're right. It's much funnier. Sorry, Helen. What was your question? You know, what other mountains to climb? What other things will... Because, you know... You've only got 15 years left. I was... Yeah, I have to be sensitive about this. Like, in terms of, you know, the stage of your life, you think, wow, I've conquered that. I've got, you know... You've been to Antarctica. Yes. You've been in a hit BBC TV series. You're a roadie for Britain's premier parenting double act. What next? Well, the world is my lobster, isn't it, really? I don't know where to go from here, really.

19:32Maybe you could suggest my next great achievement for me. Could you make some suggestions yourself? Well, the van could do with a clear out. Thank you. No, but have you got any ambitions or...? uh well i would like to win on the solo board game daybreak that you brought me about global warming you're very interesting readers that sounds cheery yeah sounds really jolly um have you got any all right instead of ambitions then dad have you got any pieces of wisdom you'd like to pass on what have you learned after 78 years on this planet that you'd like to pass on to me your eldest child and by extension the listener reader sorry readers if your football team gets to Wembley try and get the more expensive not the 118 pound ticket get the one below which is a near you're nearer the pitch you're more in it but you know I didn't have the choice even though I was a season ticket holder but try and get in the next balcony that's it after 78 years that's nothing Nothing about love or death or achievement or, you know, humanity.

20:44Just basic economics. I don't set myself up as a seer, you know, as a sort of prophet. Here's another question. Where are the places that you feel happiest? Where have, you know, I know let's just park football just for a minute, if you don't mind, because you're a man of many delights and joys. where where where have you found joy in your in your life and in your time um i do enjoy being on the top of very high mountains in the lake district i feel that is a very serene place to be even if you're there with your daughter which does actually in many ways you know impinge one's ethereal joy you're gonna bring up that time we were climbing a mountain and it was quite hard going so to keep us going I got my phone out and I put on Joe McElderry's version of The Climb from The X Factor.

21:41There's always gonna be another mountain. Yeah and you didn't like it. No but the best not really no it wasn't wasn't relevant. Best thing of all readers when we. It wasn't relevant But it was a song called The Climb about mountains. No, it's not as relevant to say. We walked the entire breadth of the country, readers, from the Irish Sea to the North Sea. And as we walked into the North Sea, depositing our pebble that we'd picked up on the beach of the Irish Sea, we played Nimrod. Oh, na-na-na-na. Much more relevant, I think you'll agree. I would have preferred Joe McElderry's version of Nimrod, but I didn't have an option.

22:26Yeah, so up the top of mountains. That's nice. Anywhere else? Just there, just very far away from all of your family. Yeah. Solitude, Ellie. That's what it was. Why don't you do a crime? You could go to prison. Do a really bad one. You get your own room. Yeah, that's true. I put it last week, Crime and Punishment by Dostoevsky. Couldn't I? I've never read that and I've always wanted to read it. I had the time to read it. Yeah. What's stopping you? And Middlemarch. Haven't got the time to read it. We've got a board meeting next week. No, I have to appear on these podcasts with these, you know...

23:01His hands are tied. Yeah, I don't have the time. Oh, he's got Tokyo on the line at 2am and then that big seminar with Dubai on the Zoom. Fuck off, just read. Look, I don't know if I... Helen, have you got any plans to read Dostoevsky before you die? No. I think I'm probably all right. I may do the audiobook. Yeah. Yeah. I would do that if I was paid for doing it, yeah. No, no, not really. Looting it, listening to it. You can get them on. You can get them for free through your library, audiobooks. And then you can lie down on the top of a mountain and listen to Dostoyevsky. That would be nice. That's what you could do.

23:35You could get all the books that you've ever wanted to read, download them into your phone and listen to them as you climb a mountain. And then you've climbed a literary mountain and literally a mountain. Except that the man who wrote the book, he actually considered... I like to read his written words and consider it. I'm not that keen on audiobooks myself, I have to confess. You record audiobooks for a living. Don't tell everybody that. Don't shit on your own doorstep, Dad. Fuck's sake, don't bring down the audiobook industry. I think you should know, readers, I once recorded Plato's Republic for Penguin Books in its entirety, and I might be the only person in the world who has listened to my reading of Plato's Republic.

24:23All the way through. And the only person to do it in a Geordie slash Welsh accent. No, I didn't use a Geordie. Except for... I'd listen to it if it was... Oh, I think. And I was only the character of Glaucon. Man's a new man, I need a man. That was just Glaucon. Socrates, for example, he was an irate Bob Hoskins sort of bloke. You know, talk like that all the time. You've got to ring the changes in you. Socrates was like that. I know. You've just got to look at his bust. Oh, stop looking at bust, Jeff. I wanted to talk about Ellie's appreciation for Crystal Palace, namely some of the plays that she gets to see in the local gym.

25:02Tops off. Don't tell people I'm objectifying these men. Oh, the truth is out now, readers. Who do you objectify then down the gym? Look, so at my local gym, I happen to know that the Crystal Palace trainees, the players don't go because they've got 118 pounds. They probably go their own gyms. Yeah, exactly. they they don't need to um but all the trainees and the young players coming up get free memberships to my gym and you can tell this because very often in the spa bit which has a series of lovely steam rooms and jacuzzis there's often a lot of men just in their trunks with very impressive physiques very strong athletic good strong kicky legs i would imagine there's some goalkeepers in there judging by the very strong, you know, pectoral offering.

25:52Good for catching. You've got to have a strong chest. Good core. Big, lovely, strong arms. Can I ask a question here? You reckon that you were at the cutting edge, the zeitgeist of current modern verbiage. How long ago was it people used the word trunks to describe what men wear? When did people start using the word describe instead of the word describe? Disguise? What do you mean? Trunks? Swimming trunks? Everyone knows what that is. It's archaic. What do you say? Swimming costumes. No! Swimming costumes is what ladies wear. Yes, yes. A swimming costume is a thing that covers your boobs and over your tummy and round you downstairs.

26:32I'm quite sure that trunks has not appeared in the common verbiage of the day. What are you talking about? You're insane. You're out of touch. You're insane. swimming trunks swimming trunks let's helen come on what do you say if you're saying to your son get your swimming stuff together what would you say i'd say trunks absolutely that's just in the vernacular that's what we use we all use yeah swimming costumes and ladies thing now there are other words to describe what you wear to cover up your linfords you know are they then I might give you shorts swim shorts swim shorts swim shorts yeah in Australia we call them togs or bathers not trunks I mean that's what elephants have instead of noses not absolutely absolutely mental cutting ah we'll be up for an award with this content fuck me this is this is going straight to BBC Sound Jesus Christ swimming look out Louis Theroux Oh, Rory Stewart and Alistair Campbell sitting themselves in their trunks as we speak.

27:43What are we talking about? Why are we even talking about? Yes, so at the gym, there's all these men walking around and I have been known sometimes to sit in the sauna. I usually take a book, but sometimes I surreptitiously, you know. Anyway, I'm... Not crime and punishment. This we do know, isn't it? No, no. I'm reading the Sarah J. Mars Court of Thorn and Roses book, which are even longer. than crime and punishment. But anyway, I go there and I read my erotic fairy smut and I sometimes do cast an eye over the gentleman enjoying the facilities. No wrongdoing. Legal. Yeah, it's legal, but it's not right.

28:19As Holly Willoughby once said, it's legal, but it's not right. I'm talking to these men, I'm not touching them, I'm not approaching them. Why do I now feel like I'm in court or a police station? No, no, no, no. Okay, excellent. Wonderful. Now, we have asked you, Dad, to prepare a quiz for us. We thought that would be fun. I have indeed. But what have you done? Instead, you've gone to the works bookshop and purchased a general knowledge quiz book for£3.99. It's reduced from£9.99. Look at that. Yes. Amy Whitehouse and the Queen on the cover. Amy Whitehouse. Amy Whitehouse. Winehouse. Is it Winehouse?

28:54Winehouse. Amy Whitehouse, Mary's daughter, of course. Oh, my goodness. I did this the other day. I was watching the football and I was trying to impress my football loving partner and a well-known footballer came on the on the telly and I went, oh, that's Rio Fernandez.

29:12No, no. And for Manchester City, Pepsi, glad all over. Anyway, go on. Why don't we do it? Should we do Bible dipping? Because you love a bit of Bible dipping. So I didn't know what Bible dipping was till I met Helen. So for anyone who doesn't, you flip through the book. Is that right, Thorne? Yes, that's right. You have a question in your head and you're like, I need an answer from the Bible. And then you open to a random page, a page you're drawn to and put your finger on a paragraph. And that is meant to give you the answer in life. And I'll give you an example. I once asked the Bible, Jim, will I lose weight?

29:47And I put my finger on a random page and the phrase was jug of oil. How burdened. It's pretty good. All right, go on then, Dad. Give us a question. Right. So you flick through the book and we'll say stop and whatever it lands on, okay? Stop. Oh, this is too easy for you. In which of the Star Wars series of films did the furry little creatures known as... Return of the Jedi. Correct. Gibson 1. Well, does it say correct? Oh, yeah, 1A down the bottom here. I can't read the book. It's upside down. The answers are upside down. That's a deliberate design choice, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. All right. Wow, this is really cracking along Yeah Alexander Armstrong Is that you?

30:32It's like the gold run on Blockbusters Now, can I answer that question? The readers will never get this Name the London tube station that has none of the letters of the word mackerel in it Oh The London tube station that has none of the letters of the word mackerel Is it Bromley by Bo? No, that's got an L and an E in it but no m and a half oh my god it's gonna be i don't know i don't know that's like the worst one that's got almost all the letters of back roll in it what is the matter with you very hungry lunches in an hour normally by bow damn it is it mackerel town

31:24Can you give us a clue? Tell us what line it's on. It's on the Jubilee. So like Wembley, but not Wembley. No, because Wembley's got an M and L and an E in it, which are all letters in the word mackerel. Let me... The process of elimination, Ellie. Oh, hang on. Hang on. It's going to be one of those funny ones. I know, I'm going up the line, Ellie. Yeah. I'll give you a clue, readers. It is where you get off to watch another great sport that we have not yet talked about. What, Twickenham? No. No. That's got M, Twickenham. And A, and E. Do you not understand the concept of the game? This is really hard.

32:08Oh, so is Twickenham even on the juvenile? No, but it's quick. I can't make it another great game. Oh, wood, wood, cricket thing. St John's Wood. You got it. Yes. Oh, that was a team effort. It is a bit of a fraud because if you spell it out as St. John's Wood. No, no, no. But St. John's Wood. Yeah. And it is printed on the station logo when you arrive at the station. St. John's Wood. Very good. Well done. Let's give it to the readers. The other one for the readers I think they need to get. The first non-league team, non-league football team, to be made into Subutio men. I couldn't even name a non-league team, Dad.

32:51Oh, well, it's a pity our co-driver, isn't he? He's the editor of the non-league paper. He could tell you, couldn't he? He's not the editor, but yeah. Well, whatever he is. We don't know. We don't know what Stephen Hill is. I think he does the crossword. Horoscopes. Imagine Steve Hill doing the horoscopes. Minimal Steve. Another bleak week for you. Just give up. Nothing good's going to happen. Let's drive into the road. I'm going to do a Bible dip question Helen say stop stop who was the first artist to top the US movie and music charts in the same week was it A. Shure B. Jennifer Lopez C. Madonna or D.

33:37Barbara Streisand Dad do you even know who Jennifer Lopez is I know Trini Lopez is who's Trini Lopez Huh? He sang, if I had a hammer, a hammer in the morning. Shut up singing. What's that got to do with Jennifer Lopez? Well, he's got the same surname. They're all, so they're all? Lopez is quite a common surname, one would imagine. Ah. Well. TeeLo, we're not interested in TeeLo. Do you know who Jennifer Lopez is? No. She's Jennifer on the block. She used to have a little, but now she's got a lot. She'd been married to Ben Affleck twice. Do you know who Ben Affleck is? An actor. Good, good. Well done.

34:16One point. I'm not in touch with a zeitgeist like you guys. I don't know what's going down. I'm 70 years old. I mean, they're all actresses and singers, and there's all the possibility there, of course. I might even go with Jenny Lopez, Ellie. J-Lo. Dad, what's your answer? I'll go with Jennifer Lopez. That's just because Helen's had said it. She's much more in touch with the old... But Madonna and Cher are very big deals as well. The answer is B, Jennifer Lopez. Yes! Thank you very much. Thank you. No, Helen's getting the point. You're not getting a point because you cheated. Yes, Helen, why don't you do a barber dip premiere there?

34:52All right. Can you tell me when to say stop? Okay. Stop. Okay. In the Marx Brothers movies... Oh, no, this is a specialist subject. Ah, when I was in Africa, I shot a polar bear in my pyjamas. Have we got any of my pyjamas? I'll never know. He was anemic and suffered from the cold. He went away in the winter. Readers, I'd like you to... Have you finished? Well, I could do more. Carry on, Helen. In the Marx Brothers, pause, hold, hold, hold, hold, hold, hold, hold. What instrument was played by Chico? Banjo. A, tin whistle, B, piano, C, violin, or D, mouth organ? Oh. I think it's mouth organ. No, it's piano.

35:30Chico. Chico. I can't remember what they all look like. Well, Chico was the one with the accent, you know, hey, hey. Was he the one with the big hair? No, that was Harpo. Oh, okay. Chico was the one with a hat. That's right, the pointed hat. And he spoke like this. And every time he said, knock, knock, who's there? You can't come unless you know the password. That's the password. Saltfish. No, you don't get me that easy. I haven't told you. Is it the name of a fish? Yeah, salt. It's that one. It's that one. Okay. So what instrument did the one with the big beard play, Carl? he was more interested in bringing about the downfall of capitalism bringing entertainment and injustice whatever it is he's talking about sorry the mouth organ bet he was fun at a party he probably could bang out the old you know on the old Joanna or the old Nays Up Mother Brown or something kill the factory owners drop their heads out of the law all that you are of course correct it was B, piano.

36:37And also that's a misrepresentation of Marxism. Karl Marx never advocated violent or immediate revolution. Now, should I do one more? One more question. Who composed the famous Pomp and Circumstance march? Was it A, Edward Elgar, B, William Walton, C, Hubert Parry, or D, Henry Wood? E, Joe McAlderry. Sorry. This is the limit of your musical knowledge, isn't it? I don't know. Helen would know this without blinking. I don't know. I'm going to say, I think, Elgar, because that's the one I've heard. Yeah, he does all them stupid, pompous British. Yeah, yeah. Elgar was a propaganda freak, wasn't he?

37:19You know, I mean, that's why we still have to sing at the proms. Land of Hope and Glory. Britannia waves the rules. All of it. He waves the rules. He just waves the rules. There's no rules anyway. It's just such a joke. Just a joke. oh sorry beg your pardon Britannia waves are also w-a-i-v-e-s no she knows she knows so waves like waves as in like waves hi yeah one which is spelled w-a-i-v-e-s yeah yeah I've been doing a lot of wordle recently and honestly it's changed my life it's chat the words I've learned Ellie honestly well well done Gibson see it's of course it is is the marvellous Elgar I think there's a tv show in this a quiz where people members of the same family just argue yeah i'd watch that i would watch that let's close this book let's close that's three pounds 99 we'll never get back the works thank you amy whitehouse yeah therapy's biggest impact doesn't show up in some dramatic breakthrough it shows up in the smallest moments you bite your tongue instead of escalating you put your phone down instead of firing off that text you say what you actually mean instead of what would hurt someone else the most.

38:32Nobody applauds those moments, but they quietly change your life. That's what growing feels like, and that's exactly what Grow Therapy is here for. Grow is therapy that works, covered by insurance. Sessions average $21 with insurance, and some pay as little as$0 depending on their plan. There are no subscriptions, no long-term commitments. You just pay per session. Grow connects you with thousands of high-quality licensed therapists across the U.S., offering both virtual and in-person sessions, nights and weekends. You can search by what matters, like insurance, specialty, identity, or availability.

39:09And you can book a therapy session in minutes and begin in as little as two days, not the national 48-day average. See if you could pay as little as$0 for therapy in seconds at growtherapy.com slash ACAST. That's growtherapy.com slash ACAST. growtherapy.com slash ACAST. Availability and coverage vary by state and insurance plan. With the Amex Gold Card, you can earn four times points at U.S. supermarkets because the best nights in start with the grocery run that makes it happen. Apply for the Gold Card at americanexpress.com slash explore-gold. Terms and points cap apply. Massively, Helen, I feel like it's time for the Scummy Mummy Confessions, don't you?

39:55I think it is, Ellie. So last week, me and my family went on a, I'm going to say, a moderately successful holiday to Turkey, which was fine. And we had some really good times and was also sort of tedious for various reasons. And it was one of those holidays where you get to the end of it and you're like, I'm quite glad this is over. I'm quite glad to go home. And then I jinxed us on the coach from the hotel to the airport. And I said to people, look, at least we haven't had a massive row. Why did I say that, Helen? Why? We got to the airport and then we were going to get on the plane. And I said, have you got the boarding passes?

40:35And he took off his baseball cap. The baseball cap he'd been wearing all week in Turkey, everyone. It's not a cold country in June. No, it's been marinating with his manswear. Yes, his manswear, his hair product, the whole thing. and he had talked for safekeeping for a joke no one knows. He had put the boarding passes inside his hat and then placed the hat on his head. And I'm not going to lie, readers, I was revolted by this. Felt very bad for the nice Turkish lady who was checking the tickets who luckily was wearing a pair of latex gloves because obviously this isn't her first radio. No. She is used to middle-aged Englishmen coming through and producing important documentation from headwear.

41:17and she was not taking any chances good for her and anyway and then we sat down and then you know things were kind of okay and i was like oh well and then he got the boarding passes and he stroked them over my face it was at this point that i did lose my temper he maintains he was he didn't do it in an aggressive way he was no being being funny that's not funny no no no uh so we exchanged some words and then on the plane we had to sit separately anyway because the way the seats were which was absolutely fine i spent the whole journey watching cheats unfinished business which i downloaded from netflix and i was very happy might have thought about having an affair but anyway that's a that's another road to go down and we were waiting by baggage claim and he was like look i'm i'm sorry and i said all right let's let's talk about it so we were having one of those sort of you know when you're still rowing a bit yes nobody's shouting but everyone's like But I've just got to say these three things that I've thought about in that four-hour plane journey.

42:13And the other person's like, yeah, well, I've thought about it as well, actually. So it was okay. We were moving to a revolution, but it was... And in the middle of this quite intense conversation, a man holding a baby came up to him and went, excuse me, do you do a podcast? And I was like, yes, I do. How lovely to see meet you now. This poor man. That's what you want. This poor man. He's not to know. He's not to know. He's not to know I married a dickhead. And we had to do that thing like that couple in Father Ted where you have to immediately go, ah, hello, Father. And yes, and he went, oh, my wife's just over there.

42:50She loves your podcast. And I was like, good. And then I didn't know what to say because my brain was still half in the row. And the man hadn't said he liked the podcast. So I couldn't really say thank you or I'm glad you like it. I'm glad she likes it. and I was just a bit flustered and the man was really sweet and I didn't chat to his wife maybe she had read The Room and knew it wasn't the moment I don't know they're having a fight don't go over there if that lady is listening indeed to this episode of the podcast I would say I'm sorry if I was weird with your husband he seems like a lovely man and thank you for listening to the podcast and that is what was that is what was going on with me that day thank you yeah there we go very good ellie um i i am going to share a i and i texted you this other the other day a perimenopausal fail now in our current show hot mess we we do a joke about um about memory loss which is is and and things you know you forget to do things um for about i don't know the last 10 uh 20 years i haven't really ironed anything jim i'm not a big I don't like, I just don't, I don't see it necessary.

44:03I did wear a shirt I very much fancied the other day. I really like shirts and that really does need an eye. And, you know, I need to do that. But Ellie said, buy a steamer, Helen, buy a steamer. And I thought, right, I'm going to do that. I'll do that. And it wasn't just me. Wasn't it Albro who said buy a steamer? Yeah. It was your partner who said buy a steamer. It was. And then we had a conversation where you said, oh, Albro says I should get a steamer for this shirt, which looked like a sort of quiz packet. yeah yeah yeah it had it had got shorter by about a foot yeah it was like you know like those crinkly yes it was scrunchy you said yeah he says i should get a swimmer for this shirt because otherwise it looks and it was like you're looking for the words so i went shit and you went yes i realized i'd gone a bit strong and i'd i'd like to apologize to you now i thought we were on the same page maybe that road was too no no no baby no no but no no that's fine um but i i so i thought all right i get a steam and they're not they're quite reasonably priced very reasonable anyway so i bought one and then obviously forgot that i i'd done that and then and then bought an entirely different one about three or four days later but because if i bought them at different websites and things they both arrived on the same day but have i opened them no or used either of them yet no are they are they down there with the cold with the cold water swimming boots and the kettlebells yes they are and the spiralizer yeah yeah still i bought some kettlebells five years ago in uh lockdown for fitness yeah um still in the box uh but anyway uh one day that's my now i'm going to give myself permission to use a steam oh blimey but you've got two you can steam two things at once i've been back yeah look at me now anyway so there you go well i've got a confession from a very long time ago.

45:56Oh, lovely. And it just occurred to me. I was doing a cave painting one day. No, it was a little bit more recent than that. When I was at school, we did a production called Man Born to be King and it was about Jesus. All right. Great guy. Actually, Jesus was played by the drama teacher behind a crowd carrying a reading lamp. So he was giving off the light. You never actually saw him, just saw the reading lamp. That's not the confession. Which is what Jesus would have wanted. That's how he'd like to be represented in the modern age. But I was cast, it was an all-boys school, I was cast, unsurprisingly, as Mary Magdalene.

46:34Why is that unsurprising? Was she so beautiful? Yeah, well, I was then. But the thing was, the floor of the stage was sort of all gnarly and wooden and had loads of splinters. But I had this long dress that I had to wear as Mary Magdalene. so I put my school shoes on with my socks and everything and we had to kneel in front of the reading light held by the drama teacher me other people and and pray in front of and what I didn't realize when I knelt down that the whole of the audience could see these terrible unclean school shoes you know the round toad yes it's clunky yeah whereas Mary famously preferred a Kitten heel.

47:18Yeah, but I didn't want to get splinters in my feet, you see. So I didn't have sandals or anything, just these bad school shoes. Because it never occurred to me. I thought no one will know it, so I'm wearing a long dress. But I forgot I had to kneel down. Well. I mean, how embarrassing is that? And then you could see also my hairy calves as well at the time. You didn't shave? No. How committed to this role were you? Yeah. Again, Mary loved a veet. She was always on the epilady. Yeah. Yes. Well, look, it's been a long time. I think you could ask the Lord for forgiveness, couldn't you? I hope so, yes.

47:55I mean, if you believed in him. But anyway, I'm sure if he was real, he wouldn't mind. Yeah. Oh, well, there we go. We've come to the end of the podcast. Oh, that's lovely. I'm so glad you could come back on the podcast, Jimbo. Yes, thank you. Wonderful. And congratulations on Crystal Palace's win. I feel like it's your win as well. Oh, well, I like to think that. Yeah, yeah. Well, thank you for coming on the podcast, Dad. And anyone listening who's concerned for his health and safety, don't worry. We love you and you do know that, don't you? Oh, thank you very much, readers. This is the appreciation I look forward to every day from my two employers.

48:38You're doing very well. You're doing really well. I have got a performance review coming up. It's going to be a bit sticky. Oh, my word. You've got to do a bit of a 360 on you, Jim. No, listen, I'm in cahoots with HR. I'll deal with them. Who's HR? Mr Hill. He's not HR. Inga's the head of HR. Inga's the head of everyone. Yeah, yeah, she's the head of everyone. No, but thank you for coming on the podcast. You've been excellent. Thank you for listening. Do come and see us on tour. Go to scummymummies.com for the dates and the tickets. Yes, and we've got some lovely festivals in the summer coming out, Ellie.

49:10We're going to the Dearshed Festival in Yorkshire and we're going to Feastival in Oxfordshire. And before that, we're going to like pool and I think Bristol's nearly sold out. Oh, yeah. I think we've only got a handful of tickets left. But Cheltenham. Yeah. Come there. Come there. Even if you're not in Cheltenham, it'd be great. Come for the race course. Stay for the show. That's right. We've booked in very large venues. Yes. Yes. It'd be nice to see more than 12 people in it. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time. Bye. Bye bye.

49:49Can I tell a joke before we go? Of course you can. Right. And Donald Trump dies, see. Donald Trump goes up to that place where you go and he meets St Peter. And St Peter shows him into this room and there's clocks all over the wall. So Trump says, why are those clocks on the wall? Good Trump impression. Very good. Yeah, let's rate our own impressions now. That's what we're doing. Okay. Very close to the Marx Brothers. Not far from Sid Waddell. Yeah. Anyway, St Peter says, those are the liar's clocks, see? Oh. And the bigger the liar you are. And he says, look at that clock up there, you see? That's George Washington's clock.

50:31And as we all know, he never told a lie, so that's a 12 o 'clock. It's never moved since it's been up there. Oh, I see. That clock next to it's Abraham Lincoln's clock. He only told two lies. So he's five past 12, you see? Sorry, 10 past 12, because he told two lies. so Trump says where is my clock St Peter says God's got that in his office as an overhead fan

50:56yep it's a sagebrush going across the stage now readers that is a joke technically isn't it that's a joke well anyway