314: Clara Batten on comedy, wine and vaginal vapes.

0:00Clara Batten: Therapy's biggest impact doesn't show up in some dramatic breakthrough. It shows up in the smallest moments. You bite your tongue instead of escalating. You put your phone down instead of firing off that text. You say what you actually mean instead of what would hurt someone else the most. Nobody applauds those moments, but they quietly change your life. That's what growing feels like, and that's exactly what Grow Therapy is here for. Grow is therapy that works, covered by insurance. Sessions average$21 with insurance, and some pay as little as$0, depending on their plan. There are no subscriptions, no long-term commitments.

0:37Clara Batten: You just pay per session. Grow connects you with thousands of high-quality, licensed therapists across the U.S., offering both virtual and in-person sessions, nights and weekends. You can search by what matters, like insurance, specialty, identity, or availability. And you can book a therapy session in minutes and begin in as little as two days, not the national 48-day average. See if you could pay as little as$0 for therapy in seconds at growtherapy.com slash ACAST. That's growtherapy.com slash ACAST. growtherapy.com slash ACAST. Availability and coverage vary by state and insurance plan.

1:24Hello, scumbags. This is the Scummy Mummies Podcast. With your hosts, Ellie Gibson and Helen Thorne.

1:37Hello and welcome to the Scummy Mummies Podcast. It's me, Helen Thorne. And it's me, Ellie Gibson. And I'm very excited. We're at my house and one of my most favourite people are here. It is, of course, the lovely Clara Patton. Hello! Yes! Wow! I'm so excited. I'm going high energy. I'm going right out there. So for the listener, Clara, why don't you introduce yourself? Who are you, Clara Batten? I am a woman. I was about to say girl. I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy. I'm a woman who is a bit of a failed actress, I'll probably say. Back in my 20s, I tried to be an actress and didn't earn enough money to keep me going.

2:23So then I went into sales. I was really good at my sales day job. So then I just... What were you selling? I was selling advertising space. And then I sort of forgot about acting because any time I got an audition, I wouldn't get it. Then my agent, I saw my agent on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire while I was working in a bar. And I just remember looking up at the big screen and Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? The theatrical agent, Malcolm Knight. based in Chiswick. I was like, shit, that was my agent. Anyway, he only won like 32 grand, but very quickly afterwards, he retired and didn't fucking tell us.

2:57Wow. You weren't even this phone a friend? No, no, no. He would have lost, definitely, had I been in jail. So that was that. And then I became an estate agent. And then when I was eight months pregnant with Cressy, I then became maternity leave mum and then had Monty a year later, went into lockdown, decided to go into, decided to just do some, you know, stupid stuff online. Very quickly got some media exposure. From that, a film director said, I think you're a really good comedic actress. Were you auditioned for this comedy film that I've got coming up? So then I did that. And then my agent that I've got now, my acting agent, she was following me anyway and then watched how this process happened and I was you know vlogging the time on set and like the day it came out she went home in her lunch hour and went and watched it and then called me and said hey I want to represent you and I was like well I'm not going to go well hang on I've got so many offers right now I was just like let me just check these yep yep I was like pretty good yeah and she went just take your time and have a think about it and then And I put down the phone and about two hours later, I said to my friend, I went, do you think it's too soon to just go yes?

4:13I don't want to change it more. And then I was like, it was like eight o 'clock in the evening. I went, sorry for the text. Just wanted to let you know that I really want you to represent. Love you, love you. Bye. Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, smiley face. And she's been brilliant. Yeah. They got back into it at 40. So is that the main goal now is the acting stuff rather than the social media stuff? Well, the social media stuff definitely fills a sort of void because it's still a performing do you know what I mean and also it's the way I earn money and acting professionally is so competitive that I sort of say it's like in my 20s it was like well that's all I can do or I'm working in an office or a bar or something like that and I'm not mad about that and I was craving either being on stage or acting in front of camera or you know performing in some way and um and now getting back into and sometimes i'm playing sort of not i'm not acting acting but i definitely go into like these alter egos and some of the reaction videos like when i'm like swooning over men that's definitely a more of a sort of it's not me me really difficult role is it yeah it's very very difficult it's quite cathartic in a way because I've definitely experienced it at some point.

5:33Yeah. And yeah, method acting, method acting. Yeah, so no, it's just another way of performing, but you don't have a live audience, but you can still hear the reactions on the page. What have been your most popular videos? What gets the biggest reaction? so um i can pretty much a hundred percent like when i post these types of videos i know they're going to do well which is the food reaction which is for anyone who hasn't seen which are amazing which is you watching videos of these these i'm not going to use a food word these people quite creative like creative that's a good word yeah very creative culinarily creatively people who put together things in a way you would never have expected.

6:25Yeah, so diplomatic. They are always American, aren't they? They do have to be American. And it is normally cheese in bowl. So much cheese, but not like 200 grams of cheddar, like entire blocks. Yes, breeze blocks. But they probably wouldn't classify as cheese. No, they're not allowed to call Velveeta cheese, for example, anymore. Like they, the Food Standards Agency. Yeah, and America got involved and was like, any cheese that can be on a dry shelf for like three weeks and not go off is not cheese. No, smells like cheese spirit. Yeah, and then they looked at the ingredients and were like, oh shit, there is no cheese in this.

7:06Yeah. I think if the American food standards, like you're really in trouble. If that doesn't classify as cheese. Yeah. I mean, it's yellow and it melts. Yeah. You can put it with Mac. yeah um why i watch i love your videos and they're hilarious but i'm fascinated by the original like videos and what are these people just winding us up like do they not do they genuinely not know that this is disgusting and revolting are they doing it for clicks or what i think it's so funny the amount of people who say because there's there's a couple of creators who i react quite a lot to just because i because i've done a couple of their videos a lot of people now follow them and then tag me in those people's videos so I tend to see I'll go down you know my notifications of someone and just put tagged or so-and-so mentioned you and then just look at the little thumbnail and I'll be like right that one looks like it's been I've been tagged loads sorry hiccup and then I and then I'll look at it I'll watch like 10 seconds of it to decide if I'm going to do it.

8:19And then I'm like, okay, I'll do that one. And then I put that in CapCut or InShot, whatever I'm using. And then I watch it in real time and then react to each bit in real time. So then I go back to the normal video and then I watch the next bit and then react. So they take hours. And also you've got to be pretty funny on almost every bit. Or at least give a look or something on every bit. and um you know there's there's certain little catchphrases i do like doesn't that look nice you know like it's always some orgasm but but yeah it's so funny because that is literally on tiktok particularly you know i can post out at 10 o 'clock at night after because it's normally that because i've been editing and within an hour it's got like 50 60 000 views people love them and because they take so long and I it's they're not that enjoyable to do compared to a lot of the others and so but people love them so much people like when are you doing another food video I'm like oh god I haven't done it clear my week clear my week have you had any reactions from the people who make these videos yes so basic yeah so what the what I was going to say about the the food ones is a lot of people actually genuinely think now that they're doing it to get a reaction from me And I'm like, no, no, no, you don't realise these people have been going for years.

9:42I literally started doing food ones, I'd say about a year and two months ago, out of my five years doing social media. And they just took off really quickly. I think, in answer to your question, I think some of them are. I think some of them are piss takes just for clicks. But I think on the whole, not on the whole, maybe 50, 50. Yeah, I think about 50 % do actually think. Yeah. The really ridiculous ones, I just think, no, you're taking the piss. Have any of them got in touch with you and gone cease and desist? Yeah, stop taking the piss out of me. Yeah. Two of them reported me on Instagram. I had two warnings.

10:23And then because I'd done this one of this other woman before, I thought, okay, that one's okay. I've got to be careful now. So I've done hers a few times. Nothing's happened. So I did another one of hers. and she reported me and I got permanently banned. From Instagram? On Instagram. Oh, really? So then I had to write to all three of them and just beg them to withdraw their complaint because they basically said I'd use their video, which I had. But when you look at the meta policies, it says that you can use other people's videos if you're adding enough value to it. People do it all the time, right?

11:01Yeah. So then I had to, I said, look, I wrote to all them. It's not meant to be offensive. That's why I'm very sarcastic with it. Very British. You know, I'm not. You played. Yeah. And in fact, most of the time I'm agreeing that it looks great. Yeah. I'm going, doesn't that look nice? You know? So I said, you know, I really, when I do these, it's not meant to cause offence. It's just to be taken in the spirit of humour. And that's why I never try and be rude or obnoxious. And it's just British sarcasm. And two of them went, no, fuck you. Absolutely not withdrawing it. Yeah. Yeah. And then the final one said, said, oh, my God, no, I love your videos.

11:40I love it when you react to our videos. And that was the one I thought was going to be OK. And she said, what happens is my management at the end of every month, unless you're whitelisted, they just have this software that just anything over four seconds that matches any of my videos on someone else's video. they just say do you want me to report them yes and then she goes at the end of every month we just report all of them because a lot of them just literally upload just the videos and I said I've just started on Facebook as well I'll white list you on there as well and I'll white list you on her and shit and then she came back and said I've just written to Instagram and withdrawn it and then I had a contact at Instagram who I've been talking to and they're like no we can't do anything and then I went she's just withdrawn it and he went let me check it out and then like 10 and so he went, you should be back up.

12:29And tell us about Shoot Your Shot, which is your YouTube show that Helen and I have been on. Fucking awesome. It was the last time I was so drunk. I've never, that's the most drunk I've been in a long time, but most fun. So that's, what's the premise? Because I was so drunk, I can't even remember. What's the drink? Was it 12 shots? 10 shots and then a truth or shot. So 11 shots. and it is basically drinks that represent the guests lives. So it was you guys on yours, obviously. And you choose, you basically say 10 drinks that are synonymous with things or events that have happened in your life.

13:09And then we just do shots of that drink. So they're not all shots. No, spirit. Yeah, yeah. So it can be beer. It can be an Alco Pop. It can be a G &T. a, in fact, your port and Fanta, was it? I had brandy and Fanta and Ellie had port and Vimto. Was it port and WKD? Yes, yeah, yeah. It tastes like Vimto. Yeah, cheeky Vimto. Yeah, that's it. Port and anything is pretty good. Yeah, port is a delicious drink. And Rachel Riley came on last month and she, but she didn't know what the show was about. And I forgot to send her the treatment. so she turned up, almost drove and then she turned up and was like what are all these drinks doing on the bar?

13:54And we were like well you told us about the drinks and she was like yeah I thought it was going to be like Desert Island Discs where we just Oh, so she talked about my favourite drinks and I'm like no, no, you have to drink them In for a penny All of them, all of them and she was like I'm the biggest lightweight and then hers was way higher than your breathalyzer Was it? Yeah But she did it. She drank. She did it. And she also chose shot over truth. And she had a 70 % gross rum. Oh, I mean, I had half a shot to try and be roughly on the same level as her before the and I almost puked and I can take quite a bit of different sort of flavors.

14:37Your math bit. Yeah. Yeah. What is your desert island drink? Like if you were going to be stranded with a crate of anything, Clara, what would it be? I would say it would be a Havana Club rum with Diet Coke, fresh lime and loads of ice. Oh yeah, that's lovely. Because it says Cuba Libra basically. Yeah, yeah. I love, I like the Diet Coke because it gives you a bit of caffeine and it picks you up a bit. But then you've got the rum and if you have a nice rum, it's really flavoursome. Bit of the fresh lime, tangy. Oh, now I want them. I know. That's good. Yeah. Put the line around the room. And then, or if not, I do just love an apparate.

15:21I want to talk about like moving out of comfort zone. Because obviously being an actor, you're on show all the time on, you know, on social media as well. But, you know, are there times where you have self-doubts and things like that? And like, you know, going into motherhood, that's a big thing. And now you're doing big things. Like, you know, you went to Nepal recently. you're moving into more comedy stuff and um you know there are there times where you know like ellie and i said we'll talk about having no shame so like there's nothing to lose yeah yeah yeah yeah and ellie and i've both gone through big hard things in life and and and i think sometimes going through you know the dark times you kind of go fuck it i've seen the dark side yeah i just want to grab all the joy that wasn't even a question that was just a whole lot of words together you do what you like with that yeah i will yeah i'll pick that as you will that was a cocktail of questions well with the comfort zone the the the biggest time i've felt out of my comfort zone and the biggest time i've had impostors or anything like that you know that sort of was um writing a fucking book yeah writing a book okay so when so when it first happened when they first approached it was locked down I used to do go live on TikTok every Thursday evening we'd all have a drink together have a chat and then Thursday night came and I was like I remember I stood up to like do this TikTok dancing and then this bloke said like half 11 at night hi Clara my name's Ollie I'm from HarperCollins just wondering how best to get in touch with you and I was like yeah of course you are of course you are yeah definitely yeah you're from HarperCollins and DM me DM me on Instagram or something he was the head he was the head of non-fiction for UK oh oh oh okay yeah so anyway we we arranged this call I'm replying I said I have this phone call And he goes, so, yeah, so basically I've been following you for a few weeks.

17:29Really enjoy your content. And I was just wondering if you've ever thought writing a book. And I was like, no. I was like, it can interest me less. And then he goes, no, no, no, hear me out, hear me out. And so then he goes, my whole team thinks I'm mad because when we normally go with influencers and inverted commas, we know that they're not authors and that if we sign them it's because they've got a huge following and you don't even have that so I was like yeah thanks god I was like god is this meant to make me feel good or shit yeah I was like weirdly it's still a no and then I asked him would I have like a ghostwriter or something and then he went no and then he goes because the whole point is is with all due respect, no one wants to hear about your life.

18:26And I was like, thanks. Thank you very much. It was like, it was like, you know, it's, you're a nobody. Yeah. It's not Prince Harry writing an autobiography with a ghost writer. You twat. It's the whole point is, is we like your comedy and you've got to try and be funny in a book. And I was like, Oh shit. Put your things into words. Yeah. Make people laugh in a book. And I was like, Oh shit. oh right oh i went like how many words and he was like normally like 70 80 000 i was like fuck i've got a two and a four-year-old like i can't imagine i said right what do we need loads of people would love the opportunity to write a book right and be published by harper collins so i was like so i wanted to show like motherhood's a comma not a full stop that at 40 you can actually pursue your dreams.

19:16Lockdown hit. I went online, started being silly, got some media exposure. And luckily for me, I did. That was probably my best year out of the last five years. From mum of a one and a half and three year old going into lockdown of sitting at home with nappies in Calpol to social media, starting to get brand deals, getting an agent, being invited to the prime minister's residence because he enjoys my shit. Having dinner with Boris and Carrie in the Rose Garden, just four of us, like just... I like that you have to say just the four of us. Because we turned up thinking it was like a massive party.

19:57Because it was five days before he left office. And she was like, we're leaving office, just wondering if you want to come to Chequers this Friday night. I knew she followed me. And so I was like, oh, yeah, that would be an experience. Never be invited to Chequers again. Like, yeah, let's go to this summer party. So what was it like to have Boris Johnson? And how did you resist the surely incredibly strong desire to just make jokes all night about the fact he fucking cheated his way through lockdown and just had loads of parties in his garden while people were literally guys? Yeah. And we were joining them just like not in lockdown.

20:33Yeah. Yeah. No, we yeah, we spoke a bit about that, very briefly touched on it. But also what struck me about both of them is that they were a hell of a lot more. I thought he'd still have a little bit of that sort of buffoon bravado about him. He was very funny and very down to earth, but also he showed a real, what's the word when you're stripped back? Vulnerability. Yes, vulnerability. Yes. And both of them were very funny. I mean, they like my shit. So, you know, no, but they were very funny as well. And then, you know, we got a bit pissed and then ended up staying over in Winston Churchill's room.

21:17Wow. Did you top and toe in him? For Winston Churchill? Smoked his cigars. Yeah, put his bowler hat on. You were asking something. What was it? No, but you were just saying about the trajectory. Oh, yes. That was the year that that all happened. So you've written the book. That's done well. So you keep... Gin and phonics. You can still buy it to the all major book stores and online ship. You've climbed a few mountains, both sort of physically and metaphorically in the last few years. But can we ask about Nepal? Because we've been to Nepal. I mean, look, there's just that little world record just on the wall.

22:01What is a world record? What did you get that for? Doing the world's highest comedy gig on the base camp of Everest. Yes. Yeah. That is the coolest thing. You're saying, yeah, you've been to Nepal, whatever. Yeah, I know, but we didn't even go to base camp and learn to do a comedy show there. You had a go, right? Yeah. No, but you went with a group of women. You did really well. You did really well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't even go. You went with a group of women. There were some men in our group. So you did better. No, you did better out of it. because you know you were with like the opposite saxons yeah well record but anyway it's not about us it's not a competition but also but also we didn't even go we didn't even go on a trek that was classed as like high altitude did you basically go from the airport to the restaurant yeah we we had to climb up a hill from the restaurant piss back to our hotel I took a ski lift.

23:03Yeah. We were like, all these people, when they saw me training on social media, were like, so Clara, you know, you must remember to bring, what are those tablets? Diamonds. Yeah, altitude sickness, pepto-bismol, you've got to bring all this stuff. And I was like, oh my God. And I got in touch with, like, the organiser Intrepid, and I was like, so this altitude, this apparently is awful. And she went, oh, no, you won't get any of that. You're only going to 1 ,700 and something feet. And I was like, oh, I won't be telling anyone that. I was like, I was like. I went up an incline. This is really, like, hardcore.

23:48No, it felt really hardcore. Tell my kids, I love them. Yeah, I know. I know, I was just going through forests, like, flat. like through villages where people actually lived going hi two diet cokes and a stickers bath there exactly amazing amazing but in your group of women which we've discussed uh there was tanya moore who is again just to make this about us and uh which she was at our first ever gig so she's an old old friend of ours um she was there the night we met yeah yeah we were all on the bill together yeah she's part of our origin story love it yeah yeah it was amazing that was like we all did five minutes each and we were all having pints afterwards and that's um yeah so there you go so we know she's amazing but was it with tanya was it sort of love at first sight was it yeah just really get on i think she was probably a little bit more um cautious is the wrong word but I reckon she was probably more like, because I remember just like at the, I can't believe how beautiful she was.

24:53Like when I turned up at the airport, I literally like the first thing I said, I was like, oh my God, are you a model? And she was like, no. And she was like, no, I'm like an actor, comedian, writer. And I was like, you know, when people say that and you go, yeah, of course you are. You know, you know. And then they also say model, which means that they've paid£100 to get their photos done professionally. But I actually thought she was a professional model because I was like, yeah, really beautiful. But then we took our first leg and then got to Istanbul. And then we were walking. We were there a bit earlier for our flight.

25:34So we walked down to Costa Coffee where everyone was going. and we were sort of just about to walk in and I sort of looked at her and she was like, might get a wine instead. And I went, oh good, yeah, me too. And she was like, should we just go down there to that bar? And I was like, yeah. She went, we'll see you at the gate, we're just going to go shopping for a few things. And I was like, and by few things we mean down our throats. Right. And then, yeah, then we walked down to this bar and I think that was when we sat down and we were like let's have a she had a red wine I had a rum and we're like and she was like you know just I'll sleep on the plane I was like yeah me too yeah just I'll sleep that's why I'm having caffeine and I was like so we're drinking that and then but what I mean by cautious is I think she was probably more like posh white bird you know from from wherever and like what is she gonna be like and are the stereotypes correct then whereas i was like i won't be mates with her she's fucking funny and then just every day we're just we're just finding ourselves just gravitating towards each other like we'd be in the whole group and they'll be like where's tanya where's my new friend where's my she's my friend she's my friend she makes me laugh yeah come on make me laugh some more we just would be in hysterics like bent double hysterics everyone just kept saying like you guys are like a double act and you've had us all in fits of hysterics all week and the the marketing director was actually going like you guys need to if you guys don't do anything with this when you get back it's fucking wasted like this has been the most hilarious trip and and i'm really putting it down to you two and i was like we should actually and she was like i'd be so up for that and then we started like walking trekking on our last day downhill and we're both silent and then she went right i've got so many fucking ideas this is ridiculous i'm not even concentrating i'm gonna fall down this hill in a minute like i'm just literally like thinking and i was like me too i think like if we did it and she was like yes and then and then we just started coming out because she was originally like podcast and i was like i'm sort of doing a podcast already which is like a visual but you know a lot of people are doing podcasts I said you know whenever I go and see Tover Lee or Scummy Mummies I'm always like fuck I miss going on stage and fuck I miss performing live and I says what do you think about like a two-woman show and it can just be basically about our own our own lives our early lives as a bit of stand-up together but also we've done a lot of TikTok dances together big passion of ours both since we were young was dancing so we could make you know how you guys do a lot of parody songs which are fucking hilarious so we're thinking we do like dances but occasionally change words to the tiktok songs we have some of our texts on the screen behind like tiktok how we got into doing tiktok dances show the one in nepal when we first met so we've written the first half of the show and we've got the second half to write first half is basically us bouncing off each other asking each other about our lives growing up and how we got here yeah and then the second part is yeah they're coming together yeah no that's amazing yeah so it's gonna be a lot of like the differences between us but the fact that you know we'll she was she was always saying like sisters from another mister while we're out in Nepal and she and I was like like really from another mess there like massively yeah and so the first time she came out down to my house to write with me she walked in and no word of a lie and i'm not this twat i'm not but because it was the cheap stuff but she walked in and i was like sorry that's gross because i was getting her a drink in the kitchen i went sorry that's gross that's not like mouse droppings i was like i just dropped on my breakfast and she's like what the fuck is it i was like it's caviar oh my god oh my god and she was like she always goes clara stop oh my god she goes i know that i know yeah yeah oh my god yeah yeah she goes she goes oh clara don't oh stop it stop it she's like what do you mean it's your breakfast i mean well i just had a piece of toast and i just put cream cheese in a bit of smoked salmon and then i saw a pot of caviar so i was like i'll chuck some of that on as well and i was like it's not like expensive stuff it's like seven pounds a jar or something practically marmite practically it's like your hummus that's right yeah well tanya lives quite near me and i'm always popping down the corner shop to find her in there going have you got any caviar and i'm like i'm in full cabas all the time yeah very normal just the cheap stuff you know just seven to ten pound a jar yeah yeah have you have you got show dates yet no no so we're gonna do i think when we come to the end of writing the second half and then we get up and start start physically doing it we'll that but i think what we're gonna do is just two dates in london don't overdo ourselves don't pretend loads of people are gonna come and watch and then we'll invite producers to it etc etc and then if anyone likes it and they want us to do more we will yeah amazing yeah oh well i'm very watch this space yeah it's really exciting i'm really chuffed about it fabulous when we're coming together we're like this yeah and i will and then we'll come back on to promote it the two of us absolutely these do and also i know that uh because i saw it the other day tanya moore is doing a show at edinburgh this yes which looks amazing so if you're going August yes called August but yes so yeah go and see Tanya's show if you're in Edinburgh uh now you've got you've got a game for us Thorn yes and I I I do because um Clara likes wine and we like wine yes we do and we like laughing yeah yeah I know right um so what I thought I'd do is a funny wine game I uh or let's just call it a game because it may not be funny uh it's about wine let's call it wine game wine guy yeah how did you come up with that one yeah uh well i've workshopped it uh i am an author a very funny book uh um so i'm gonna list um names of wines and you have to work out whether they uh or guess whether they're real or not right helen is there a theme tune for wine game wine game it's my favorite game wine game what's the name it's wine game it's wine game very good okay all right so there's some real ones and i've made up some other ones and you've got to guess whether they're real or not okay okay starting with chardonnay is that is that real or not uh no would you buy a bottle of chardonnay i wouldn't even buy a bottle of chardonnay as you know because it tastes like in wood chip so why wouldn't buy that uh i think that's fake but yeah all right yes you've both got a point yes next one is this real or not cunto a wine called cunto would you buy it feels like i could see someone walking into an australian off license gang excuse me mate you got any cunto i think it's not the answer is it's real it's an italian red you're not beating chianti and you're just No, and you're just making you.

33:04It's named after the Napoleon word for short story, floral aromas of violet and geranium, along with fruity and spicy notes. There you go. Next one. Sorry. Quietly Susan. Quietly Susan. I think that's a yes. I feel like it's either a wine or a sex position. Or a dildo. Yeah. But those are discreet moments. I think perhaps Susan Boyle invested her BGT winnings in a vineyard and that's where that's come from. That's my guess. Like how Gary Barlow and Kylie. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Is that what it is? No, I made that up. Next one. Let it breathe.

33:44I think this is definitely fake because that's the line in our show that we used to say all the time about you downstairs. Let it breathe. Let it breathe. Let it breathe. Yeah, you're right. Next one. Penetration. Penetration. No, just penetrate. Just the word penetration. Penetration? Strange. Why would they have one like that? I'm going to say yes. I'll say yes. Yes. Okay. It is a can't. Yeah. Forbidden smile. Forbidden smile. Are you sure? Oh, that's not one of your erotic novels. I've just spotted on your bookshelf. Forbidden. Forbidden smile. Bollocks. Terence Trent Darby song. I think no.

34:26I think no. All right, yes, you're correct. I like that one, though. I might make a wine call for a bit and smile. You do that. Thank you. Take the clunge? Come on. Come on. Oh, my God. No. No. Fine, fine. Take the clunge. Take the clunge. Grab the pussy. Donald Trump's new wine. Lovely. four skins four skins four skins four skins it makes sense doesn't it yeah yes that's true true yes you bastards you're very good at this one what the fact that we got four skins like skins of yeah four skins of grey and grab a clunge yes we guess not yes take the clunge was not a very good at this it's almost like we've dropped thousands of bottles of wine and are familiar with their marketing technique yeah and the fun they wouldn't see.

35:26Yeah, they literally put a swear word on the bottom. Take the glums. Yes. What about this one? Big hairy twat. No. I think you should be, you should work for a wine company. I think some of those were very good that you made up. Quietly, Susan, I could get on board with. Okay, right. Wine game is really going to catch on.

35:49Clara Batten: Therapy's biggest impact doesn't show up in some dramatic breakthrough. It shows up in the smallest moments. You bite your tongue instead of escalating. You put your phone down instead of firing off that text. You say what you actually mean instead of what would hurt someone else the most. Nobody applauds those moments, but they quietly change your life. That's what growing feels like, and that's exactly what Grow Therapy is here for. Grow is therapy that works, covered by insurance. Sessions average$21 with insurance and some pay as little as$0 depending on their plan. There are no subscriptions, no long-term commitments.

36:27Clara Batten: You just pay per session. Grow connects you with thousands of high-quality licensed therapists across the U.S. offering both virtual and in-person sessions nights and weekends. You can search by what matters, like insurance, specialty, identity, or availability. And you can book a therapy session in minutes and begin in as little as two days, not the national 48-day average. See if you could pay as little as$0 for therapy in seconds at growtherapy.com slash ACAST. That's growtherapy.com slash ACAST. growtherapy.com slash ACAST. Availability and coverage vary by state and insurance plan. Shall we do a scummy mummy confession?

37:12Go ahead, Hannah. All right, so scummy mummy confession times, everyone. I have to tell you a funny story, and this is like a little bit of a dirty confession. I like a dirty vape, people. I quite like it. I do as well. I'm sorry. It's a dirty little secret. So you can get a variety of vapes in lots of different flavours. You can get ones that are sort of long, you know, like a pencil. and I was on the loo, love a vape on the loo, and I wasn't concentrating and I also had my period. So I was just like vaping, put my vape down, do a bit of wordle. Anyway, and then changing my tampon and I picked up the wrong thing.

37:49No! No, no, hang on. No! No, no. Just a tip. You inserted your vape. Oh. No, I didn't suck on the tampon. Oh, I thought she put her tampon in her mouth. She put her vape in her twat. Just a little bit, just a little bit. You know, I was multitasking. I was doing things on my phone. I was vaping. I think I wouldn't mind a vape in my twat as much as a tampon in my mouth. I mean, I have a great. Would you rather? You've got to answer which one. I would rather have a vape in my twat, Cara. I've never been asked that question before, to be honest. So I'm sort of on the spot. What would you rather? Yeah, definitely vape in twat.

38:33Yes. that was that. That was twat. I've been to think about that all day. You're welcome, Ellie. You're welcome, listener. At what point did you realise what you had done? Well, because, you know, you just, like, grab things and you just put them in. And you grab things. You know, you just grab things. You're lucky it wasn't the fucking toilet brush. But you must have had to unwrap. I'm just fascinated. No, I must have pre-unwrapped the thing. You know, because I pre-unwrap, have a smoke, do a wordle no i don't know you weirdo you unwrap the tongue pod and then you put it in it doesn't need to breathe it's not a why it doesn't like oh let that air out on the bedside table next to the room let it get a bit of fresh air wow so okay so on saturday just gone we had the kids sports day uh thing at the end of everything you have the mum's race and then the dad's race right and every year I miss it because I'm drinking PIMS chatting and it's over because I'm always with pre-prep the last few years yeah so I'm with like the younger and then where the older kids have theirs it's on that main hundred meter you know track so I never keep my eyes out for it and then this time I wasn't up for it and I had a headache like a neck ache on the back I'm getting them a lot and then my son then Monty came over who's just turned seven he said mommy the mom's race is on and I was like you know what this is the first year I'm actually not up for doing I'm not really up for doing it and then he was like oh okay you're really annoyed that you missed it every year like every year you're like oh I miss the mom's race again you always hear the whistle go then you're like oh No, I need to get over there.

40:22I go, fine. No, Monty, I'll do it. I'll do it. So I put down my phone and my glass of champagne. Let's go over there. I walked over with a few of my friends who are the mums. Monty's chatting to me at the next thing. And then while we're chatting, the whistle goes. Everyone starts running forward. And then I turn around and I was like, oh, God. I stop and then about a third of the way up. I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on, run. So I'm running. I've got a short dress on. I'm holding the dress down because that's the thing I'm most paranoid, that that's just going to fly out with a bit of wind and, you know, knickers where I probably haven't shaved.

41:02So I'm holding my thing down and running and he's waving at me and I'm waving going, come on, Monty, come with me. Someone stacks it. I can't even run fast enough to overtake her. she gets up and still still still goes ahead of me and and crosses the line i come last my friend waits for me so she can cross over the line with me left i said to these group of three blokes as we were leaving because i just recognized i was like hey they're like hi saw you running in the race and i was like i was like yeah running being the operative word yeah okay yeah then i was like hey i saw you at the race i was like yeah thanks then this mum texts me later on it's like please tell me you've got video of the race i was like why and she's like because i was shouting carrie you're right tits hanging out oh i had this right this is a new bra it's a push-up bra my dress was like this and she said you're right and i was shouting and you just weren't looking oh my oh And she said, Sheyane, we've got to find the video.

42:14I went, no, you fucking don't. I was like, no. And she was like, I was shouting, Cara, get your tits in. Hundreds of mums and dads. I like the fact that other people were here to be so they had a clear view. Yeah. Oh, I love that. Brilliant. Well, I've thought of a boob related one, actually, that's inspired me. so uh last week i had to go to the doctor because i have a lump in my boob nobody panic don't write in um so basically don't write in is everything right yes i always i'm always getting lumps in my boobs right so um the first one was a year or two ago and it was scary yeah and i did what you're supposed to do which is to go and have it mammogrammed and all of that and they said oh yes you've got very dense young breasts which turned out to be the best day of my life yeah Oh, cool.

43:04And they were like, and that means you get cysts. Less sexy, but still, let's hang on. And let's hang on to the first point. And they were like, this is going to happen again. You're going to get these lumps and they're just going to be cysts and it's going to happen and it's all fine. So then sure enough, like a year later, it happened again. I got a mammogram. It was all fine. And it's happened again. So I'm not worried. I'm doing the right thing. I'm getting it checked out. So I made an appointment with a GP online because you have to get a referral, obviously. And they made me an appointment with a lady doctor in the afternoon.

43:32but we were leaving early to go to a show. So I rang them and I said, can I come earlier? And they're like, yeah, but it'll be with a male doctor. And I was like, that's fine. Like, I'm super chill, man. I don't care. Doctors do this all the time. Like, whatever. Just a body. Just a body. Yeah. So I turn up at the GP's thinking, oh, you know, it would be so. It's usually some old geezer, isn't it? Whatever. And then I open the door to the GP's room and it's one of the hottest men I've ever seen. And I was like, oh, he's really hot. He's got an Irish accent. Oh! B-b-bow, b-b-bow, b-bow, b-bow. there was a wind machine my blouse undid itself suddenly that suddenly the music and i just felt sorry for him because now he's got to look at this old woman's tits and he was like and he was brilliant and super professional and business-like tool and he was like um i'm gonna get a chaperone we always do that and i was like that was fine he's like just well we don't need one i'm cool i'm cool are you cool yeah i'm cool yeah it's not like we're dating so i then i I sit on the thing and I had to take off my top.

44:30And then this poor woman from reception has to come like, because obviously they don't have a person whose job it is to sit that fucking day. They have this woman has to leave her desk and come and he draws back. And I'm just sitting there with my tits out. And this woman and I have never even looked at each other. And I had to go, nice to meet you. And then we just started laughing and she started laughing. And again, her and the doctor were both very professional. but I was, she had to watch this man feel my tit in a very professional way. And you go, yes, I think it's just a cyst, but to be on the safe side.

45:02And I'm going, yes, yes, this is all totally normal. And then we're all done. And she's like, okay, then I was like, thanks again, again. Thanks, bye, bye. Bye, bye. Oh, so full respect again to the NHS. It was all me just being ridiculous. But it was quite the experience. It felt a bit like being in a very strange adult film.

45:26Oh, fun times, fun times. Well, there we go. We've come to the end, Helen Thorne. Absolutely. It's a joy and a journey. Absolutely. It was so much fun. We always will be around you guys. It's so much fun. Thank you. Thank you for having me. So your book, Gin and Phonics, is out now. Yes. And Shoot Your Shot is on YouTube. Yep. And people can follow you on Instagram. Instagram, TikTok and Facebook. And YouTube, Shoot Your Shot. and watch out for me and Tanya's show. Yes, we're very excited. We won't be in the front row because that's cunty. You go in the back. You don't want to look in the... No.

46:03No. That's why I definitely didn't go in the front row at your show. I was about to sit in the front row at our show. Yes, I did. But in my defence, I was the one who booked the tickets. I can't listen to it. I've got E &L. Helen's got E &L. She's put her earmuffs on. She's silently laughing, red, very red, and she's got earmuffs on. No, in my defence, I did not book the ticket. So it was a WhatsApp group at school because we all need more of those. If you'd like to come and see our show, and you can sit where you like. If you want to sit in the front row, that's absolutely fine. Just not me. Just absolutely fine with strangers sitting in front row.

46:47Just no one they know. But we actively welcome it. so that people you know won't see the bummer yes you can come and see our show if you go to discoverymummys.com you can see where and when you can come and see our show again many seats are available available everywhere do you have anything to add? I can't talk can't look at you I'm very sorry well on that bombshell great oh Clara it's been lovely thank you so much ladies i loved it oh my cheeks are sore and thank you for listening until next time sorry

47:34okay okay next one pino evil pino evil do you know evil i like be no evil yeah like see no evil like that famous phrase be no is what are you fucking talking about clara you know be no evil be no evil the famous monkeys be no evil be no evil what is he doing just like crossing his arms across his body is it not see no evil yeah you know evil yeah no evil no no speak no evil hear no evil yeah see no evil but not be no evil yeah Yeah. There's no be no evil. There's no be no evil. That's more existential. Right. Be no evil. Pino evil. Pino evil. Is correct. It is one. Fake. Fake. It's real. Wow. All right.

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