320: Just the Two of Us - Helen's marathon, Ellie's knee, and Daniel Bedingfield

0:03Hello scumbags, this is the Scummy Mummies Podcast. with your hosts, Ellie Gibson and Helen Thorne.

0:16Hello and welcome to the Scummy Mummies podcast. Hello, it's me, Helen Thorne. Hello. Hello. Who's calling? Who's that? One moment, please. Hello, it's me, Ellie Gibson. And we are in a hotel room. That's right. Lily's setting the scene there, painting a beautiful picture. Oh, I know. We're in a place called Tembury World. Yes. And we're staying in... Normally, we do quite like a... We don't mind a chain hotel, do we, Helen? You know what you're getting. We do find that with the B &Bs, with the pub hotels, sometimes they're beautiful, really lovely. Charming. And sometimes they're a little bit murdery.

0:53Yes. And this is... On the scale, it's leaning more towards the murdery end. This is for pickaxes on TripAdvisor. they should do like a murder advisor like yow how murdery is your hotel and and this is i'm gonna say it's not up there with like the outlook hotel in the shining um but it's not as sort of i'd rather be staying in faulty towers just because it feels less sinister yes yes so that's where we're at so we thought why not do a podcast yes now that we're in the mood um now that because obviously we have to stay together in the same room just for safety yeah we thought we might as well past the tide.

1:31Yes, Stephen's on guard out the front, obviously, miserable Steve the roadie. But that said, we had a delightful gig last night in the lovely Tenbury Wells. Yes. The lovely Regal Theatre, which was, it was surrounded with a beautiful mural. Yeah. Yeah, it was lovely, lovely. And we're just about to head off to Leamington Spa. So we're on tour a lot at the moment, which is wonderful. We've been touring Hot Mess and it's been an absolute delight. So if you've come to the show, thank you very much. Yeah. And we just, we do a little catch up just the two of us because a lot's been going on thorn a hell of a lot ellie what's been going on for you well um a couple of big things um over the summer i i went to sydney and i did i did a marathon sydney australia absolutely fuck me mate i went to the other side of the world for five days which was you know as fun as that sounds so about half the time i spent traveling um but yeah it was it was a really cool thing to do so went to sydney haven't been for over 20 years caught up with my mates uh my sister came along did the long run and then afterwards drank about six bottles of fizz and then hopped on a plane hung over and you got a tap you got a new oh my god yes so um my friend kind when had this fantastic idea that we'd all get matching tattoos um so we got an anchor you know like you know like popeye but i've got an and so tattoo number five arrived in sydney as well so that was really good so that means that i completed my seventh world marathon but not but how many marathons have you done is it 11 11 altogether wow man well done thanks dude yes it's been it has been queen quite a ride so i'd completed all those in uh i think it's like four years or whatever and then next year who knows i think i'll do london again just because it's down the road well that's just a little jog for you now yeah i think that's just like you know oh pop to the shops yeah all around a marathon yeah slotted in between doing a load of washing and cooking a bolognese yeah so that was that was pretty fun but how was how was doing it in your sort of well do you i mean i was going to say home country but how long have you been in england now like over 19 years yeah i'm in 2006 next year will be 20 years i'm gonna have a party for my 20 year anniversary um it was quite it was quite an emotional thing actually because yeah sydney's a relatively new um marathon and you know sydney's not my hometown but you know there was something particularly special about being in my home country and my you know my sister's never come to one of the marathons you know um the three three friends who are the godmothers to my children flew up especially like booked an airbnb around the corner from you know like made a real effort to see me you know i felt very loved and um yeah it was really special and i um a couple of nights before the marathon we went to the sydney opera house went to the you know the the opera there but we went to opera light which was excellent it was like a 90 minute show that was just basically opera from ads it was like anything that you've seen on like a pasta ad or um british airway just a 90 minute dormia advert basically gold me on British Airways did they have puppets uh sadly not but they're a trick yes so that was really fun um yeah so I think it was yeah it felt you know it was a bit of a homecoming and and all that sort of stuff um I must say the Sydney Marathon's bloody hard because it's really hilly in Sydney so it was really great uh for the first um 40k and then the last two was very steep and hilly and hard and then I was just going fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck the last 2k but it was it was pretty nice and got to eat all my favorite Aussie food and um and yeah so it was a lovely time and then I came back uh and then I finished writing my book well done yes so that's been a two-year kind of epic very drawn out a lot of procrastination but um uh how to face big change and come back stronger my book will be out next year and um i i mean i could say i'd recommend writing a book to people but it's very hard it's really hard mate it's really really freaking hard so um yes i'm in the edits of that and then just went straight into touring with you which is a fucking delight it is a delight isn't it it is and we've been doing it yeah for like over a decade now it is still um i always feel bad about saying it's hard because it's not really hard like the hardest bit is being away from home isn't it and missing the kids and all that but also that is tempered by the fact you get to like you get your own hotel room and quite often you get to have a lie-in yeah nice lunch yes and let's be honest we are doing you know we're in the van and you know we do a bit of work in the van and stuff but really in terms of being on stage we're only on stage for like two hours and it's like i really hesitate to look a nurse or a teacher or or an intensive care person in the face and go, yeah, no, our job's really hard and difficult, isn't it?

6:37Fuck off, frankly. No, no, no, no. I'd slap myself several times if I ever said that. Anyone who does anything to do with caring and or children are, you know, a hundred times harder than this. Or indeed, like, service. I used to work on a checkout in Sainsbury's many years ago. It was much harder than this. Yes, basically, if we ever moan about being on tour, we're bastards. Yeah, I will. I will say because my mum was a teacher as well, if I ever suggest that maybe, maybe today's been a bit hard. She's sympathetic, but she will remind me that I'm not having to stand up in front of 30 children, you know, trying to teach them about Expo Lakes and not being able to go for a piss whenever I want.

7:20And that's a fair point. Yeah, it's a fair point. No, not that my mum was a geography teacher, by the way, but I'm just saying as an example. Yes. No, we stand in front of maybe 300 women and talk about our fannies. It's a different vibe. It is a different vibe. And I mean, we can't go to the toilet for the time we're on stage. I've never had to run off and do a piss on stage. Have you? You once did a piss in a potty just before we went on stage. That was at the Hay Festival. At the Hay Festival. That's legendary, Ellie. I think I used to do, maybe I did one like when you used to have a, we used to have stand-up bits in the show.

7:54Yeah. I was done one at that point. yes but you know yeah for not had to dash off to you know shit yourself or anything like that so we started touring the hot mess show in march so now we're in october so we're probably like a third only a third of the way through flipping i know because we're doing about 70 shows this year which is called and we're doing the christmas shows which is excellent now i must say look ellie I did run the Sydney Marathon on the 31st of August, but then the next day was the 1st of September. What happened then? Oh, on the 1st of September, I had my knee cut open. That's right, Helen.

8:34On purpose. Yes, by a man in Lewisham. So, yeah, I went to Lewisham Hospital and I've had a partial knee replacement. So, yeah. So basically, I've just sort of run out of cartilage in my knees, probably because I did the marathon years ago. and because of covid i trained um you know we were supposed to in april 2020 weren't we yes and then we couldn't do it but i kept training at a really high level all through covid which in retrospect i regret but i just didn't know that i didn't have enough cartilage in my knee to start with so this is the thing so as we know as we just said you've done 11 11 marathons with no knee problems you obviously have a lot more cartilage um whereas i just wore mine out basically without knowing it without meaning to so uh that's what's happened um so in both knees actually uh so i went and saw it and it took about five years to work out exactly what it was i saw lots of different physios who were all very nice and all bent it and massaged it and said try this and that and do this exercise do strength training i tried all of the things and it was just getting worse and then the last physio i saw ellie brown ellie brown yeah who you recommended to me she did all the things and then she said to me i think you should just get an mri i think you should go and get an mri so i went to the hospital so again this has been going for about five years i went to hospital and said look i just want i just want an mri and they went yeah all right and they gave me one and then the bloke looks at him went oh yeah you've got no cartilage in your knee oh my so i do sort of wish i'd done that a few years ago but that is what maybe they would have said oh it's fine i don't know so that's what that is um and then uh yeah so he said we're gonna do both knees but we'll do the left one first because obviously it's a bit mad to do i was quite like fuck it let's just do it let's just get let's get brexit done i don't want to walk no i'll just sit on a commode for six weeks it'll be fine uh but he was like no that's a mad idea let's just do one and see how we go so that was just over a month ago you've got an amazing scar it's pretty good yeah it's not too bad actually yeah so it's still a bit red because it's still a line just over your kneecap yeah a vertical vertical line and it's quite long but it's not it's it's healed up really well it is a bit so the the kneecap's doing a sort of strange uh clicky thing where it moves across the knee i showed helen a video this morning oh yeah i went a bit faint uh but it you're incredibly braid so we went back on tour three weeks after she had the surgery and she's she's she's been told not to do any slut drops yes and no twisty twisty movements no jesse uh told me um i wanted to ask you about um what was it like after the surgery so you had to be looked after and i know you're quite an independent lady was it nice to be looked after for a bit yeah it was it was right again it wasn't it wasn't all too bad really i was so i was only in lewish hospital for a night not not a great night um as you might expect after you've just had your neca open and you're on nasomorphine and for some reason i still don't quite understand they didn't give me a catheter which is is tricky uh when you because i had an epidural right yeah surgery so were you partially awake no and i was because when i got there they were like oh we're not going to knock you out properly and i was like oh fuck well i don't really want to be you don't want to hear it no i don't want to hear you chatting about we're going to need a bigger drill jeff do you know i I don't want to hear the noises or you discussing it going wrong or anything.

12:09And they were like, don't worry, we'll sedate you. And I was like, good, I'd like to be heavily sedated, please. So they said, yeah, they gave me the spinal thing and then they sedated me. They told me afterwards that as I was drifting off to sleep, I started talking about how he used to drink buckets of vodka in Thailand. And I was like, I don't remember, I have no recollection. And listen, it was in my 20s I went to Thailand when I was single. I mean a lot of things happened in Thailand and I was like what what else did I say and they just sort of laughed and went ha ha nothing nothing nothing in it you know when people and you're like oh no god what yeah oh well but let's not they probably heard worse let's not worry about it yeah yeah uh they can't arrest you no exactly so uh yeah so I was awake so then yeah I spent one night in hospital no catheter so and I couldn't feel myself with the waist down so there's a couple of incidents where i wet the bed which was a shame and then i was like oh fuck and i couldn't you i didn't i forgot you can't tell can you when you need a wee because you can't feel yes so anyway the point is eventually i was like fuck well i need to ask i lost the nurse for a bedpan and she brought me the bedpan and i did the most enormous piss helen that the biggest piss i've ever done in my life wow because my brain hadn't been receiving the signals that i needed a wee yes yes so it just kept and i thought i might as well you know get rid of as much as i can all evacuation save the nurse coming back and forwards um but i i looked down and it was literally almost to the brim oh wow and the nurse came back and i was like uh here you go and she was like oh she literally went oh my god sorry and i was like yeah and she went it's such a lot and i was like i mean i didn't i was on purpose um i'm sorry and she had to sort of poor poor woman she had to sort of carry it like as she was in a swiss finishing school with a book balanced on her head i did i felt terrible but i couldn't walk i would have emptied it myself i couldn't walk yeah so yeah that was that but then the next day i'm i'm just very grateful that i even had the operation and and was able to go home with the right medicine and the right physio and all that stuff and it's it's been amazing really yeah so yes god bless the nhs thank you please yeah god bless you and i'm gonna say it steven but mainly you thank you for being so supportive and you've proper looked after me on tour oh i did joy they've done all the heavy lifting we get to the venue and I'm always a bit stiff getting out.

14:42Sit down, sit down. Sit down. She gets me ice. She gets me ice. He makes me a cup of tea. They're like, no, no, you stay there, Gibbs. You're all right. So I'm very grateful. Thank you. Oh, I know. But we were all very concerned for you. And, you know, your husband's concerned. Your mother, she worries. Your mother, she worries. But you're getting there. And you said you did a bit of movement the other day and you said it's starting to. I mean, what a joy. Soon you'll have pain-free knees. Yeah, so last week, before this clicky thing started, which, by the way, I've sent a video of to two physios, including your partner, and it's going to get sorted.

15:20It's fine. I'm going to get an x-ray. It's going to be fine. And you're screwing it. Yeah, just get a hammer. Give it a whack. I always think that's the way to go. Yeah. So I'm really pleased I had it done. Still healing. And the bit I'm struggling with is that it's really variable and unpredictable. and I'd sort of forgot about that because in my head like medical stuff is just a straight line isn't it every day I feel a bit better you heal a bit more and this isn't like that some days I wake up in pain but but then sometimes then I have a walk around I feel fine some days I have no pain at all for ages but then I'll do a bit of walking and then I'm in a lot of pain I am in quite a lot of pain after the show so obviously it's quite a lot of movement um and it's just annoying that i can't sort of go oh i'm of course i can commit to that thing because i'll be better or whatever and it's it's pissing me off knees in control the knees the knees the knee has the power oh well you're doing bloody well um i just i just remembered something you asked me about the sydney marathon how it was different a guy running next to me did the entire marathon holding a surfboard and ran it in flip-flops fuck's sake what's wrong with these people frick uh yeah so i remember that And at the beginning of the marathon, I met Sophie Raworth, who's the newsreader from the UK.

16:45She was over from London. So I was very excited about meeting a news lady from London. You know I love celebrities, Ellie. Right. Yeah. So that got to see of my knee. Nothing. I just... Just make it about you? Yeah. Yeah, great. Yeah, I just remembered it by the anecdote. I was like, oh, I've got one more thing to say about Sophie Raworth. No, that's good. What you've done is you've really made the conversation flow. uh and just i like to keep the i like to keep the listener on their toes that's why i was just talking about the difficult challenges i'm facing during recovery of my serious surgery but let's talk about the fact that you met a newsreader but no that's good i thought you're gonna say oh and it turns out she had a partial knee replacement no there's no other color or detail it's just that you've met a newsreader that's that's your anecdote yeah i mean what a great story listener this is what people cheat in for hi sophie rayworth this is why this is why people these and sophie rayworth yeah this is the uh this is the content people i mean why listen to a podcast that features actual celebrities when you can listen to a podcast that just mentions celebrities this people are listening to this game i could go on like spotify and google podcasts with sophie sophie rayworth but i just want to hear other people talking about having met her again with no additional not like and and then we tongue kissed or and she gave me some ecstasy or you know i'm not saying she would do those things that's obviously sometimes a little additional detail is interesting isn't it but we've not bothered with that we've just like i met a woman yeah she was great i was it was a joy to meet her and she met my sister as well at the end oh there's the color we're looking for that is that's the punchline that's that's the pizzazz That's the sparkle.

18:30That's the narrative arc complete. Oh, the amount of times that story is going to be repeated. And then Helen Thorne met a newsreader in Sydney. And so did her sister, listener. Fuck me. I can't believe you've given the listener that exclusive. I can't believe you didn't save that when you go on Graham Norton. Because you're going to be, you could have been sat next to fucking Andrew Garfield, slapping his thighs. Tom Hanks could have been great story Helen yeah no Miriam Margulies Miriam Margulies say it again Helen it was so good she'd just say something like just shopping yes I farted on her face oh god well no that's lovely that's great um you know sometimes when you think something in your head and then when it comes out of your mouth it's not as good um yes I would say it happens less often to some of us than others but look you've made it this far why start now good good good good excellent anyway um now you've completely derailed the narrative thread of the podcast what would you like to talk about next well i'm really excited because sitting next to us we're sitting we're sitting on ellie's bed in her room and um again hiding away from the murderers um we have some confessions that we recently got from the podcast uh from the show now one of the other highlights of the summer is that we did the feast of all festival ellie that was a real highlight um can you tell the listener about one of the favorite acts that we saw it was sophie rayworth yes and we actually met her backstage and so did my sister i think that just should be a feature for ongoing podcasts just a little check-in with sophie rayworth how's she going have you met any other newsreaders this week helen has she met anyone else's sister it could be it could be a feature on every episode how many newsreaders have you met this week yes yeah obviously the big the big guns is trevor mcdonald that's the dream but i think we're a long way from that for i'd settle for charlie state uh yes uh jeremy vine was a delight he's not a newsreader oh but he's on the bbc that's not the same that's a different he's a he's a presenter yes that he's a lovely man again but what you can't just pick why do you think it's interesting that you've just met a man who fucking cares it's it's just something that i get excited about personally but yeah maybe i that's more of an inside thought i don't know he was he was just a lovely person more than anything else i don't i don't know it's but in a child ellie it's fair enough i know i'm not alone in this because other people get excited about meeting famous people it depends but if it's someone i really respect i think he's amazing i get very excited yes like when we went to the home of claire richards from steps i was very excited i i too shared that excitement because i love her and i've listened to her music for literally decades yes and also she had um was it two ovens which i was very excited about but like when i tell people that story i go i met claire from steps she's got two ovens you've got to add like a little bit of detail.

21:42Yes, like we went to Stacey Solomon's house and Joe Swash podcast bombed. Yes. It's the podcast and just went, all right, hello. And that was lovely. That was lovely. Now, I am going to tell a celebrity story now. We did meet at Feastival, which is held on Alex James's farm in the Cotswolds. We met Alex James, Helen. Ah, this is a good anecdote. Well, let the listener be the judge of that. So we did our show in the tent. It was a great show. many thanks to everyone who came along and we packed out tent it was really good great crowd big cheers and laughs and we came off stage and went off stage you know we went out the back of the tent and there was alex james himself in a cravat yes smoking a cigarette looking incredibly cool very dapper oh and i was like oh and i managed not to go like it's it's alex james because he knows who he is hi alex james from blur yes hello do you know sophie rayworth I went oh hi and he went hi and I went oh and he said great show uh I could hear it back here it sounded absolutely brilliant well done we should put that on our poster Alex James of Alex James yes and I said thank you so much and I said oh and thanks for having us at the festival and this year we got put in boutique glamping which was a real luxury it was very nice and I said thank you for putting us in in the glamping oh it's so nice it's nicer than my house and he said oh it's nicer than my house which i really appreciate i love it when celebrities acknowledge that they you know are richer than me yeah that i like the honesty of it i liked him and he was he was good hang he was good hang and then i remember i'd taken the piss out of him in our show and i said i'm sorry i took the piss out of your cheese and he sort of went in a sort of nice way but in a way i suggested that happens to me all the fucking time yeah yeah yeah yeah and it's fine He's a sport.

23:32He's a great sport. And also, I would recommend going to Feastival. It was good, Hank, because at the Food and Music Festival, there was one time that we ate all that Mexican food, those burritos and tacos and things. We ate too much, but I don't regret a single morsel of all the food. We overordered. It was brilliant, and we saw some brilliant music and that. David Benningfield. David Benningfield? David Benningfield? Sorry, sorry. David Bedingfield, the famous tribute act for Daniel Bedingfield. Ah, so close. It's actually Daniel Bedingfield's brother. He's the only one out of him and Natasha that didn't make it.

24:14So what he does now is he goes round the cut. He does David Bedingfield. He also does a drag act called Natalie Bedingfield where he sings Unwritten. And he was absolutely magical, almost like the real thing. It was almost like having Daniel Bedingfield there, wasn't it? It was uncanny. do you want to try that again yeah so we saw danielle danielle beddingfield that's their other sister uh we saw daniel beddingfield and we were down the front which was a real treat anyway he was he was fucking good i love and his he was hilarious he wore this sort of aqua blue that's his fashion range is it i did not know that because i started following him on instagram i messaged him to say how brilliant i thought he was that's his clothes yeah oh Oh, fucking no notes.

25:01No notes. Joyful. He danced. He was fully in it. Anyway, there was this bit in the show when he was performing. He's like, oh, I've just got back from Japan. I've got jet lag. How long does jet lag take? And then I just shouted out and put out my hand five. And he was like, does it take five days? And I was like, yeah, it takes five days. We had jet lag bands with each other. Ta-da. Wow. Wow. Wow, that's a very filled. What a month you've had. Your sister met her newsreader and you, from a long distance, had a conversation with a pop star who doesn't even know your name. Yes. About jet lag. Yes.

25:47Everybody's winning. That is spectacular. I can't stop winning, Ellie. You've absolutely outdone yourself. Absolutely. My favourite bit, though, was, so he did all his numbers. and that, you know. And of course, he hadn't done Gotta Get Free This. He was saving it to the end. Classic. And he finished, like, his penultimate song and then he went, oh, well, that's it for me. I'd better be going. And all the crowd went, oh! And he just started laughing and laughing. And I, again, I love a celebrity who knows, man. He knows that's what everyone's waiting for. He knows who he is. Yeah, and he's not ashamed.

26:22No, he fucking owns it. Yeah, exactly. He was good. He was really good. And who wants to be loved? we love the cuban brothers faithless were excellent um i met the wife of one of the cuban brothers who was lovely and uh we really got on and i was like how's your feastable going and she went my child threw wagyu beef at me this morning

26:45which i thought was super scummy mummies and i just but very super very fest feastable and i just started laughing and she just kept going wagyu fucking beef wagyu beef and it was a real that was a real highlight but anyway that's what our summer was like basically uh and yes uh and we've had lots of amazing confessions this year from the hot mess show they're so good we thought we'd read a few more out do you want to start you go okay my daughter decided to show grandparents one of her homemade videos of her talking to camera on a 50 inch screen i didn't realize i had a starring role until i walked naked behind her to make a cuppa oh mate that is excellent this one says my husband and i found drugs in the kids park so we did what any responsible parent would do we took them home and got high oh wow that's edgy drugs in a park i mean i'm not judging like you you do you but i'm not sure i would say drugs that i found in a park i mean it could be drain cleaner it could be could be anything could be medication for for a sore knee it's brave isn't it it's very brave okay uh oh so this would have been from someone just in the show the man next to us is playing virtual chess on his phone good for him good for you it's not a hostage situation if you're not enjoying the show i mean i'd sort of rather you left and looked at your phone but fuck it whatever yes exactly when i gave birth at home the midwife asked my husband to get some pants for me after and he got a thong.

28:21Fuck me. Fuck off. Unbelievable. Will these do? No. Wow. That is the last thing I wanted to put near my fanny. I've got a Helen-style celebrity anecdote related to that. Do you remember Sisquo, who did the thong song? Yes. When he was on the Pepsi chart show, when I went to see it being filmed and he pushed past me in the corridor. Yes. also hadaway did push muslim at see top of the pops there you go that's your celebrity anecdotes right there why don't we retell the story of how matt goss kissed you and didn't kiss me i love that story it's great i never get tired of that story gross no boss okay fine okay in our crazy single phase me and my best friend went back to a lad's house and i stood in his bathroom shaving her fairy with his razor while he was knocking on the door asking what we were doing.

29:19Wow. I have not heard it called a fairy before. No, I haven't. I've heard it called a new-new. A panini. A foof. I like fairy. Fairy's not bird. And I love the intimacy of that. I mean, you and I are best friends. I'm not sure I would show you a fairy. Not someone else's. I would in like a medical emergency. Yes, if it was a life and death situation, but not just in a party at Moss. Or what if we were just round Steve Hill's house and we were like, we're just popping in the bathroom, can we borrow your razor? I don't think he'd take kindly. I think he would call that a challenging wank. He'd do it though.

29:55All right. I think you should read this one out because it was a personal favourite of yours. Okay. I got made redundant from a job at an accountancy firm. It was very unexpected. Their office was based in the centre of town. one night after a few lemonades i posted my knickers through their letterbox i fucking love that what it because it's like no no one's been hurt no but it's it's it's such a weird revenge it is and they'll be bewildered like why has someone done this what it doesn't trace anything back to her or anything and like the mechanics of it did she take her knickers off like in the middle outside in the street yes did she before she left the pub where she's like oh Would you sneak in the toilet and take my knickers off so I can put them through the letterbox?

30:39Like, how did that work? Yes, there's more questions than there are answers, Ellie. But I almost don't want to know. Let the mystery exist. Let's just, something to ponder. Something to ponder. Again, haven't had that one before. No. This was from last night. So this is from Tembury Wells. And every time we have the show, we always ask, there's someone from the PTA in the audience. And there was the lovely Sam. And this is her confession. that said, I was supposed to be at a PTA meeting tonight, but I came to see the scummy mummies instead. Yeah. Thank you, Sam. We love the PTA mums in the audience.

31:14Okay. Just had first baby. At home post C-section. Tits too sore to wear clothes, wearing plastic nipple shields. Midwife coming. Doorbell rings. Ding dong. Pouring with rain outside. Quickly usher midwife in. Apologise for complete tits out situation. I ask if she'd like to see me or baby first. She says, I think I might have the wrong house. I'm here about the car. Oh, oh, oh, oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Excellent. This is a winning confession. This one is, if I have sex and it's dark, I pull faces at my partner. Oh, wow. Now, she won this lady and she came on stage and I said, I am going to need you to do the face.

32:02Yes. Who can refuse you, Ellie? And then you bent down in front of her. Yes, in this sort of the dog style sex way. You know, normally it's the man who does the lady from before. I know, but it's in heterosexual. It's a modern world. But I just wanted to create that. Yeah, create that. Yeah. And then she made this sort of angry face and put two fingers up at you. And I was unwell. I was really unwell. And then she said, I have to be honest, it was my ex-husband I used to do this with. Yeah, I was like... The hot mess confessions this year have been very, very strong. Very good. Here's one. Here's another one.

32:38Okay. When my now 18-year-old daughter was 18 months old, I took her swimming with her dad. She shit everywhere in the changing room. Proper poon army. Her dad legged it. beg your pardon and left me with the dirty bomb sadly he's no longer with us he's not dead we just wish he was that is i mean we've so many of us have been in the punami situation yeah in the swimming pool it happened to be in a supermarket well oh god it's awful but fucking he legged it what a prick what gives you like oh no this is too much for me sorry oh yeah someone else literally can clean up the shit didn't sign up for this no i'm off fuck me honestly i know every time i go into my local gift shop i have shame shudders because i remember once i had a baby in a papoose like my son and my daughter and i had to buy a present at the last minute and then she just pissed all over the floor all over the floor in the amongst you know that all the teddy bears and everything and i just remember sort of bending over with a sort of slightly crying baby and a piss-soaked toddler with that blue roll that the shop assistant gave me and just apologising.

33:53And I just think, but there was nothing else. I couldn't like that. I can go, oh, sorry, shopkeeper, because that was my fault that my kid pissed everywhere. Anyway, yeah, I know. And now I guilt shop there for the next what forever. Yeah, I took Joe to the big Sainsbury's in Sydenham once and got out of the car, strapped him in, got the trolley. and as I pushed the tronny through the the doors I suddenly went oh I don't have a spare nappy and I was like I'm gonna be in here half an hour it's gonna be fine I did not even make it from the doors to the like swingy barriers past the magazine yes yes those bits yes before it even got to the swingy barriers he had fucking there was an explosion of shit and he was wearing I remember it so vividly he was wearing a white baby grow with yellow stripes that Jesse had bought me and it was beautiful and it was just and it now it was brown and luckily you know the loser in that shot I just made a swift left to the toilet and I put him on the little thing and it just oh god and then I had to clean the whole changing mat and it was just like I remember you texting me going fuck fuck fuck I think I sent you a picture yeah there's a picture of him and And what I love is he's just so happy.

35:10He's smiling. He's so pleased with himself. He's like, yeah, yeah, look what I did. That will teach you. I've been holding this one in. I saw you had no nappies and then, yeah. Yeah. Deal with that, mother. Good times. Oh, my God. Now, have we got one more? One more. Oh, I'm reading this one. Okay. We were having building work done on the house, a new bathroom. I was off out, wild swimming, what a wanker. But I needed a poo. I panicked. I grabbed a bag for life and I took myself off to the shed with a head torch. Yes, I shit in a bag for life. And made my husband dispose of the evidence. So glamorous, so scummy.

35:49I feel so much lighter for confessing. She's lighter in every sense. There is such a lot to unpack there, isn't there? Yeah, there is. She really paints a picture with her words. She's got a lot of brackets. She's got, we were having building work done at the house, brackets, new bathroom. Like, yes, I love the detail there. It's the head torch. Head torch. What did you need? I suppose. If there's no windows in a shed, because you've got to aim properly. I know, but what, is she looking down? Oh, I don't know. I mean, good for you. And then, may my husband, I mean, if I told my husband to dispose of a bag of my shit, I don't think he'd be like, no problem, darling, you know, in sickness and in health.

36:28You can't come back from that. That is an altered, I mean. I mean, again, if it was an emergency situation. Of course. If someone's sick, of course. you just clean up shit you don't think about it but if it was just like oh i'm going wild swimming now here's a bag for life full of shit i don't think that would go down very well yeah but you know good for her she's obviously married well she's married up oh i still have you know for many many many many many many years ago have a vision of my ex-husband um and he was really sick and i came into the bathroom like are you okay and just at the point where he was bent over vomiting into the loo and doing explosive diarrhea at the same time seeing things going out both ends and the diarrhea had such force that it it went over and hit the washing machine oh it was like yeah did you just back out of the room i was like i'll leave you to it i'll see you later yeah you've got a handle on this well what a lovely story oh well there we go helen thorne oh i've enjoyed this uh it was an unexpected delight yes i didn't know where this was going to go that sophie rayworth story that's going to stay with me could we get her on the podcast could we please in the unlikely event she should ever listen to this i would like to say we love you sophie obviously i'm not belittling you i'm belittling my friend because that's what friendship is uh listen out listen out soon for our new six-part podcast series the time i met sophie Rayworth by Helen and Claire Thorne it's gonna be amazing David Benningfield so David Benningfield yeah yes I think this podcast should be just called we've got to get through this well and also seeing David Benningfield did give me an idea for a new song for our show about going to Turkey to have your boobs done called gotta get new tits I think it's a winner Helen I I'm here for it I'm here for it yeah maybe we should write it yeah uh all right thank you so much for listening hey we haven't done this for ages but if you'd like to share a scummy mummies uh confession you could email scummy mummies podcast at gmail.com yeah or or send us a dm on um instagram or facebook just at scummy mummies that'd be lovely oh of course you could come and see our show and do it live you could write it on on a card like these ones we might read it out on the podcast anyway Who knows?

38:52I know. And we are really excited to go back to some of our favourite places. We're going to Norwich at Christmastime. Yes. That's the 17th of November. And we're going to places like Winchester in January. We've got gigs in Bath coming up. That should be a delight. Yes. We fucking love Bath. And, of course, the big Catford homecoming show. Getting quick for those tickets. We're about to sell out, I reckon. Yeah. It's a big old venue, but more than half tickets have already gone. So, I would, yes, that's classic. That is classic. You say we're about to sell out and I say more than half the tickets have gone.

39:27But just remember this podcast is going out next week. At a time of recording. We'll have sold 200 more tickets. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Let's say that. Yes. Yeah. Why not have aligned optimism? Go to the Cat for Broadway website, listener, whenever you're listening. There's a handful of tickets left. See if you... Probably sold out by now. Possibly. Award winning. Comedy. Do what you like. Anyway. We'll be there. Yeah, we will be. So we're at least half the audience. 65 % to 95 % sold at time of podcast release. All the dates and all the tickets are both sold out, not sold out. Whatever she feels like saying, this is why you couldn't work in finance.

40:13What's the profit margin for this year? It's between 30 % and 80%. Great. Great. Yeah, I'd be happy with that. Yeah. Yeah. smiley face, smiley face, thumbs up. Some tickets have been sold. Quite a lot. Yes. Do come and see us. Anyway, thank you so much for listening, listeners. Until next time. Bye. Bye.

40:47Daniel Benningfield and Sophie. Daniel Benningfield, what's wrong with you? Daniel Benningfield, and Sophie Rayworth together at last oh that's the dream team they're the Kylie and Jason of the UK really I feel so yeah come on Torval and Dean let's get out of this hotel before someone murders us okay good unlock the door Stephen