324: How to have a vasectomy with Sam Pamphilon

0:03Hello scumbags, this is the Scummy Mummies Podcast. with your hosts, Ellie Gibson and Helen Thorne.

0:16Hello and welcome to the Scummy Mummies podcast. It's me, Ellie Gibson. And it's me, Helen Thorne. Who's our guest today, Helen Thorne? It's the wonderful Sam Pamphalon, Ellie. Yes! Yay! Welcome, old friend Sam. Hello, old friends. It's so nice to be here. I think we first had you on many years ago when you came on with Steve McNigol. Oh, yes. When you guys were doing Go 8-Bit, the television programme. The television programme. Yes. Ellie Gibson's Go 8-Bit. Ellie Gibson's Go 8-Bit. Yes, yes. And we've had you on the Christmas podcast the last couple of years, Sam. But this year we've decided it was getting too much, Helen.

0:53It's too much for one microphone. Also, I was very sad about not winning the ham thing. I think I was too bitter to be. But, yes, so we thought, let's have Sam all to ourselves, didn't we? Ham-free Sam. Yeah. So it's weird because an old friend, I was talking to him and he has recently gone through a separation. And he was saying that he listened to the how not to get divorced one that we did. Oh, yeah. And his new partner or someone that he's seeing had listened to that ages ago and really and really liked that one. So that's the that's the one that keeps coming. Yeah. Coming back. That's that's that's a huge, hugely popular one.

1:34I think just for the title, because when you're in the sort of the fog of divorce, you kind of cling to any kind of advice. So maybe we're coming up in searches because that's probably what people put into Google. How do I not get very much? Yeah, it's nice to be associated mainly with the death of love. Video games and the death of love. That's right. Neither of which I'm interested in. But have been a way, a catalyst for change for you. Yeah. And a thing that has propelled you. Is that the right word? Propelled. Propelled. Propelled. Pro-puller. Pete pro-pulled to me on top of a mountain. It was so romantic.

2:14Pro-pulled to you. I've never been pro-pulled in ages. But have you been pro-pulled? I'm very pro-pulled. Oh, you're a lucky girl. A lot of planes went down in World War II because the pro-puller was pro-pulled. Yeah. Do you mean propelled? Yes. Okay. There we go. That's another word. Yeah. move forward anyway what's it propelled him to well like so you know you getting divorced meant that you were you know free of a relationship that wasn't going well and then it wasn't good yeah yeah that's one way to put it yeah i mean and it was a surprise to both of us we sat down and we said i don't think this is going very well that's what happened to lily allen and david harbour they had a meeting yeah she was like you know i don't think this is going very well yeah So we sort of found the butt plugs and thought, this isn't going very far.

3:04Not saying you're like David Harbour, Sam, by the way. We've all had our harbour moments. But now you've got a lovely partner, you've got a new relationship, you know, life has moved forward. It has, yeah. And go away. But you guys had a great time for three series and the side show Ellie did called DV. dvla yeah dvda dvda yeah no no yes that's right helen we were in a television series seven years ago anything else you'd like to bring up of course sam you also did gcse's once upon a time how did they go uh i did all right apart from a french okay and i knew that was going to come up it does feel like you're michael aspel and this is your life do you know who michael aspel is no he's a great uh british cultural uh philosopher king but no okay he's not i love his cider michael aspel it's a different spelling but yeah like yeah annoying affectatious i find what the cider the spelling oh no no it's cider piss off oh oh well anyway so no please tell us some more touch points in our lives well it's the journey you've been on since the divorce that's as well because i just think yes things of career they've definitely slowed down now i'm snorted sorry so sam you haven't created a new television show in nearly a decade why is that you did that thing on itv with children what are you talking about oh yeah no i did yeah that that operation youtube documentary Yeah, yeah, yeah.

4:52That's tough to cast. What? No, are you trying to build to him talking about his film? Yeah. Why don't you just ask him about his film? Hey, I've heard you've done very well in a short film. Yes. And it's been award-winning in Sigges. Is that how you say it? Sigges? Sigges in Spain? Yeah, Sigges. I don't know how you say it. I've never said it. Sigges? And in somewhere in France. Oh, in France? Yeah. We won there. so yeah so like when short films get made there's no money in short films so i think the idea of a short film is you make something to show to people that you are a filmmaker or if you're in it you're an actor and and they're useful that way so what you do can get out of it is you can enter them into film festivals you pay to enter it's like a sort of a fairly nominal sum i think i don't do any of that and then if you are accepted they show your film and some of these festivals give awards and some of these festivals are prestigious enough that the Oscars and the BAFTAs and BFA use those as qualifying festivals.

5:57So the Oscars, instead of watching every short film ever, will only watch the films that have won certain festivals. Oh, amazing. And so Sitches, I think as they say it, because we won that, that's an Oscar qualifying festival, which means if we choose to enter it, yeah uh we will be considered so you can put your film in for the oscars yes wow how much do you have to pay to enter presumably it's 2.99 but there is uh it's 2.99 but you have to it's like you have to include a stamped address and all that stuff and a po box number i've got no idea the producers handle this oh but um that's good i was just you know really if you get nominated for an Oscar who are you going to take me or Helen?

6:45You're assuming that I would be allowed to go But you're the lead actor you are the film I don't think it works like that with short films because I'm not a name and also there are the producers the director Ben Hyland who wrote and directed it so the people who put the money into it the guy who wrote it and directed it are probably going to get first dibs if there is a BAFTA nomination or a BFA nomination or an Oscar nomination which there probably won't be. You worked really hard to learn those lines. I think you should get to go. Well, there was someone feeding to me just off camera. Were you like Johnny Depp who had like a little earpiece going?

7:21No, I was like Marlon Brando. They were just sort of scrawled all over the floor. Yeah. Well, he's got a tuxedo he bought from Next for the video game BAFTAs. You can borrow that if you like. I'll slip into it. Yeah. Next. Yeah. I know. Nothing wrong with Next. No. Yeah, not when you need a tuxedo for that evening. Because even though you knew you were going to the BAFTAs, you didn't sort out a tuxedo. And there's a next down the road in Sydenham. Does it have to be a tuxedo? Can you not just wear a suit? They would turn you away, are they? It's nice to be nice, you know. The video game BAFTAs, no, they wouldn't turn you away, but the video game BAFTAs have gone up now, like years and years ago.

7:57It was fancy now. Yeah, when it first started, it was proper like people in Gears of War t-shirts in a hanger eating hamburgers. Yeah, yeah. And now it is proper like red carpets and like gold dresses. Wasn't that the National last year or something? It's quite south back in the Royal Festival Hall, I think. Yeah, yeah. So it's almost like video games is almost kind of like a big industry now, I guess. I mean, that's what they say. It's bigger than films in terms of money. Is that right? It is. They say it's bigger.

8:27I may not be good at video games, but I've picked up a few facts. Show us the numbers. Okay. They say it's bigger than films and music put together. But when you dig into that and go, where's the actual numbers for that? No one's able to tell you really what they are. Just some twat on the internet. But you believe a nerd. You go, but that guy's a nerd. Yeah, you believe a nerd. You're like, oh, yeah. Yeah, look where that's got us. Not the fancy, flippity film people. No, they don't know numbers. Yeah, I suppose, yeah. No, nerds have taken over the world, haven't they? But back to your short film.

8:57Yeah, go on. How long is your short film? I don't know. I think maybe it's 15 minutes or something. That's fine. Oh, that's perfect. I'll send it to you. Oh, I like a short film because even if it's rubbish, it's over. And then you can say, I watched a film, which I don't see, which I don't say very often. It's like when you pick up a book and you're like, 100 pages, I can do that. Oh, novella. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, take a break magazine. That's all I can manage today. And what's it about? It's called The Man That I Wave At. And I'm trying to remember the blur. Basically, there's a guy who, you know, that when you walk past someone and you just kind of give a polite wave but you don't really know why how you know them it's that but then the guy sort of loses his mind trying to work out where he knew this man from and then other stuff happens and it's a little bit sci-fi and it's a little bit horror and it's a little bit comedy and even though that sounds terrible if that was pitched to me i'd be like i don't want to see that it's it turned out really really good all credit to this guy ben highland um who asked me to do it and the good thing about short films is people ask you to do it so i you know in in my real life i'll have to audition to be the guy that walks in and goes would anyone like a cup of tea and you do that three times yeah and don't get the part um with this it was an straight bloody offer girls straight bloody offer wow back in the net back of the net maybe we should get into short films oh there's no money in it are there short pornographic films i mean i don't i think i would never watch the entire film they're all short to me they mainly last between two and three minutes i don't know what happens before or after isn't there is there not i mean i haven't watched a lot of them is it then is it not like a 90 minute thing it's like a plot i mean it was in the 70s when it was all yeah but now it's just straight into the the bit that the men want to watch because men make porn we really shouldn't be watching porn should we the only the only porn the only pornographic film i've watched was called cinderella and it was 19 minutes and the musical it was it was not a porn film have you seen it was cinderella spelled s-i-n no i don't know but it was a it was it was it was they were in the nude they were having sex and there were people having sex and it was a porn musical called cinderella how we were supposed to get off to that did anyone drink anything disgusting out of the crystal shoe No.

11:20It's not porn. No. It's not porn. But they were in the nude and having sex. That's porn. It is. But that's, was it old? Yeah, like in the 70s. Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay. It's not like that now. Oh, okay. It's like gonzo now. Okay, so there's no music and no hair. You don't even know. You don't even see faces. Although no hair is making a comeback. I'm not an authority on porn. Right. I really try to not watch. You seem to know a lot. You're the man. You know more than us. I get excited about completing the spelling bee every day. You know, that's what brings me joy. That gets me fizzy knickers. Fizzy.

11:54I've seen that one.

11:59Pangram. Yeah. Why are we here? Porn is, it's not a good thing. And Simon Pegg in Spaced has this line about when you finish and you're watching something bad now on your phone, because that's where you watch it, because there's a moment where you walk in on yourself. Oh, yeah. And it's that moment where you try to close the page as quickly as possible and clear up and get started. And there is no aftercare, self-care. It's become a sort of shameful, if you feel that way, which I do. yeah yeah um so i don't think it's very healthy no no and and and also the lots of young men have watched too much and it's effective it's terrifying for the kids but i've had a vasectomy have you yeah thank you so much is that recent well yes about six months ago and or something everything's about six months ago at the moment so i had it done and then you have to go for these further tests and first you just do a little home specimen and you hand it in yeah and the first one I got back and they said look there are still some some swimmers well not quite swimmers so the word they used was oh my god what's the word I'll come to me but they basically said there's like non um non-motile basically there are some very sick deformed sperm but there are still sperm so you need to you to wait 12 weeks you need to masturbate more and then bring another sample so I did that I came back you need to masturbate more said yeah yeah to get the bad sperm out the bad sperm out yeah oh that was great going home to doc going uh sorry darling i'm gonna need to masturbate yeah um it's like doing you but the thing is i don't i don't know i mean it's part of getting older and finding it so shameful and being so sad inside um so i did it again and it came back and it said that you know you've still got some lingerers uh so i handed that in then they said and so i had to go into the hospital right I don't know whether that's I do a fresh test there yeah I don't know if they thought maybe I was handing in just some old sperm that I had lying around as a bit like ah I've not done a sample I'll have to go to the fridge oh my god let me just get an egg white out I'll make a carbonara with the yolks and also why is there sperm in this um so I went into the hospital in croydon and had the loneliest experience of my life you go in there is a chair covered in paper and so the first thing i did is you know you can like oh jesus christ all right so you make sure the door's locked um so it's a wanking room but it's not used for any other purpose no because i've got to have a blood test today and i just want to know what else has gone on it is a room with a chair covered in paper like like hospital like kitchen yeah yeah that kitchen roll so A little table for you to put things on and a little thing saying, for God's sakes, wash your hands.

15:08For the love of fucking God, wash your hands before you touch the door and stuff. And, you know, use your elbows with the tap like the doctors do. You mucky, mucky men. So the first thing I do is obviously I sit down and I'm like, God, OK. And I get my phone out. Yeah. That's the first thing you do. Yeah. Yeah. Of course. Check your emails. Check your emails. Make sure your head's clear before you make a step. Yeah. Send a little message to my agent. Look, I'm going to be out for the next couple of minutes. Oscars can wait. Don't send me any bad news for the next two to three minutes. It could really put me off my swing.

15:44Get your duolingo done. Just get it out of the way. Get that done. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Keep the streak up. Ten press ups so when I'm looking down, I don't feel so bad about myself. And there's no reception. Oh, no. You've got to raw dog it. I had to use my imagination. and my partner was so impressed she's like you should use your imagination and it was like one of those things like going to the gym or doing a meditation or something like that i was like i should do this all the time yes and i've not done it since but the state i made of that chair not in that way is because because i don't normally do it sitting down i normally do it lying down so my legs kind of need to be straight um and then but so i'm kind of trying to straighten myself out in a chair like i got rigor mortis so i've torn all of the paper off the chair it it looks like it looks like i've gotten angry at the chair or had a fit and i'm oh my god anyway it took a while um but uh we got there in the end and uh yeah still some sperm in there wow so you just talk me through a vasectomy right so they don't they just they snip or tie in tubes they snip they snip or they cauterize yeah so it's it's so how do they get in do you mind talking about it no i love talking about it because i because i had no idea before i looked this is great awareness for people that is yeah yeah i mean what we're saying is could you do it at home well yeah i mean i reckon someone could come around and do it because where i went there was this office and there was the doctor and the the nurse and they were just having banter over my balls you lie down they put a rubber thing over and they pull your balls through the rubber sheet so now it's just like a rubber sheet and your balls are out so they're not touching the pain there's no they don't need to touch the penis no yeah so the and they won't yeah okay right you can't you can't even say go please please touch my penis give it a little smoke he likes it when you top it on the head yeah yeah and trust me there is none of that accidental arousal happening no no and then they spray your testicles with um antiseptic i guess um and then they have to inject so this is this is where the first pain comes so they have to inject the scrotum where they're going to make the incision so they do that that is unpleasant and then they make the incision so they make a tiny little like like a pound size thing and then they just put their she puts her finger oh into the balls and pulls out basically like you know like you go to that drawer and you're and you can see the headset lead or the lead that you want but it's at the back of the drawer and you just kind of finger it and you pull it out yeah it's that yeah without having to disturb the other things in the drawer yes yes yes she pulls that out but can you see this happening or you know well i'm lying down I'm sure I could have, if I had any kind of core strength, I could have put my head up and had a look.

18:45And you've had the anaesthetic, so you can't feel... You're not supposed to be able to feel. Oh, shit. But I said, ah, I said, that's a pain deep inside. And she looked at me, she went, well, that's because I've got my hands in your balls. Oh, my God. She goes, I'll give you some more anaesthetic. So she removed her finger from my testicular sac and she then injected. but she started going in as if she's injecting a turkey with brine so she just keeps doing more in yes um but she she puts so much in oh i could still fit but so then it's the rummaging so the rummaging it's you know like when you go to the dentist and you have an anesthetic is the pressure that you're aware of yeah and the sense that you're not you haven't got that physical sense or maybe when you have a whole human being cut out of you but no let's have some i feel like you're always going to turn it around to that and i think people are kind of getting bored with the whole i've had a baby shtick sorry yes so yeah unbelievable yeah so you could feel the rummaging you could feel the rummaging and so then they pull out she pulled out the um the the lead the the um the the vagus not vegas nerve i think it is the vagus no that's something it sounds like oh that yes yes uh not varicose no not varicose the vengaboy's nerve that's it yes yes uh she pulls that out and then what they do is they or they do they snus it they do snip it and then they cauterize the end so she she then puts a clamp on it that field feels weird and you're like why do i have nerves in that oh yeah i haven't thought about that because i felt like if there's a bit the sperm goes around yeah otherwise you'd be able to feel the sperm going around that would feel quite nice it's like the flume isn't it it's the flume yeah yeah exactly like that like a butt lens yeah yeah nice so she then she pegs that she doesn't peg it nobody wants that she clamps it that's it and then burns it alright so fuses it like yeah yeah and then puts the two ends in like a bad electrician you know when they just kind of like they do that with the wires and they just leave them hanging and then she tucks it all back in yeah like hastily packs it all back in and then uh sews you up puts a plaster on it you pull your trousers up and off you go wow it's amazing wow and then what's the recovery like ice on the testicles don't do anything for like a couple of days was it painful yeah it's uncomfortable um it's but is it more painful than getting cramp in your leg in the middle of the night no oh that's that's that's painful that that you want to punch somebody is it childbirth obviously not no it is a fraction but for a guy there's probably the most painful thing we'll have done to our balls is it worse than getting kicked in the balls no because it's a medical procedure so at least you feel like it's okay so presumably this was something you discussed with your partner or is this is this her finding out now is this you announcing it on the podcast the thought was I don't want to have any more children.

21:58You've got three. We've got three. We can't afford to have any more children. And also, so then it makes sense for me to do it instead of saying, well, can you just take these tablets? It just seemed like a sensible thing to do. Yeah. You know, and if I turn into David Harbour, then... No problem. No problem. Yeah, exactly right. Exactly right. Not no problems. Yeah, some... Just some problems. Less problems. Yeah, yeah. Not ongoing childcare problems. And then did you have to have, because a friend of mine years ago had it done and he told me that he went to see the doctor. He had three children as well.

22:34And he'd had them quite young, actually. He was in his 30s. And the doctor said to him, are you sure about this? And he said, yes, I've got three children. And the doctor said, well, what if all your children die in a fire? Yeah, that's a big one. Like, I'm okay with it. Yeah. Well, I mean, Dot's only reservation and something that she did have to sort of kind of think through was that, and it is a dark thing, but it is that, you know, we've got friends who've lost young kids. And a lot of people after they lose a young child will quite often have another child quite quickly after. And Arla was very young, is still very young.

23:16So the thought was, you know, something terrible happened, then we wouldn't be able to. no but your brain goes to these eventualities yeah yeah we're all human we all think but i think well you don't know how you're going to feel in that situation right i'm sure there's other people who that happens to and like couldn't possibly have another child but we it's one of those things that we none of us know how we would feel yeah exactly so but i didn't yeah i i don't i think that is kind of catastrophic thinking and maybe that's not kind of the best way to do things Also, I still make sperm. Right.

23:48There's still sperm. Well, where does it go? Etsy. It goes to the cauterized bit and then goes, oh. And then it just dies and then you reabsorb it. Oh. It's just, you're basically just cutting off the cut through, the ginnel. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Little spermy ginnel. Yes. Because we've just enjoyed the latest series of Love is Blind, haven't we? There's a man on there. There's a man on there who's had a vasectomy, but he says you can get it reversed. You can get it. They can just join the thing up again. I mean, it's... I mean, why would you bet? Well, you should just give every man a vasectomy at 18 and then when he's ready to become a father...

24:24I'm not against that. If and only then, then he'd have to make the step to have his balls stitched up. Yeah, you'd have to make that choice. And then, yeah, and then it might be better, just saying. Yeah. Though there's probably some sort of moral wrongness in that. I mean, is it kind of a bit Nazi? Yeah, in a weird way. I'm not quite sure how. When I said it out loud. But everything's a bit nasty now, isn't it? I mean, I feel like you could get away with it these days. So confusing.

24:52So overall, though, a good experience, Sam. To me, five out of five on Dick Advisor. Four out of five. I still don't know if it's worked. Right. I mean, I don't think anything that I have inside me is going to make anything pregnant. Right. That's good. And that was the goal. That was the goal. Yeah. Great. Yeah. Good, good, good, good. Yeah, yeah. But the semen testing is off now. I need to have another scene in town. Oh, okay, cool. Oh, well. Yeah. Well, you'll have to come back on the podcast. I'll let you know. We'll give you a hand. Yeah, yeah. That's very good. That's good. Do you remember at that time, so we might have told this story in the podcast before, sorry if we have, but do you remember many years ago, Helen and I wrote a sketch for one of our preview shows that never made it into the main show because it was weird, but it was called Dick Advisor.

25:37Oh, yes. And it was about all the different penises Helen had seen during what you like to call my slut phase. So, and I'd kept a, in my phone, I had a note section where I'd write their name, which country they're from, how many times I'd slept with them, and just like little notes, and that was my kind of thing. Anyway, we decided to turn that into a sketch that just, it didn't land. It didn't land. I thought it would be funny if we drew pictures of all the different penises because we... How did that not work? I think that's hilarious. I think so. and we've done this thing you know those tea towels you get at primary school yes all the dicks on it yeah so I did one of those but it was all the different all different dicks like little mushroomy ones and big the Trump long thing the Joe and I wrote their names underneath I think it said Don underneath the mushroomy one obviously and things like that and Julian was the long thin one yeah Julian's do have long thin pictures yeah it's an architect like a like a cenotaph yeah yeah his penis looks like it should be wearing like a what are those like a polo neck with a roll up yes yes correct Yeah, long, slim, definitely certain types.

26:43In tweed, yes, yes, yes. The ball's a tweed. Exactly. Tweed ball. Little flat cap on the top. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I thought that's, and it does really well on the internet. Yeah. I was like, that'll translate to the stage. Turns out that's not how that works. So we did this thing called Dick Advisor. And then for some reason, I can't even remember the logic now, but in it we were going to, because you've been sent this dick pic from a man. Graham. Good, we're saying his name. Excellent. Let's do it. It's not his last name. No. There are millions of Grahams. So many Grahams. It wasn't Gooch, I will say.

27:18It wasn't Graham Gooch. It was just his Gooch. Yeah. It wasn't from Blind Date. Anyway, but it was, I mean, you describe it. He sent, like, because we were sending each other pickies and then he said, oh, I'll send you something special. he sent a picture of his erect penis with an arnigle sock on it but with balls underneath yeah but he was in his room was quite messy like oh messy room it's like that's the thing i find most offensive about it like you get under the bed graham it's a plain wall the carpet had obviously not been hoovered for some time disgusting and it was for me some I don't know why it was the radiator in the background.

28:04That really got to me. I forward these things onto Ellie for her amusement. But yes, and then, yeah, so Ellie was so taken by this picture, she decided to get her husband to recreate it. Because we thought we can't use this actual man's picture of his actual penis in the show. Hang on, isn't it like Facebook? That's your content now. Unless he sends you a message saying, I hereby declare that any penis picture is now and forever across any universe and medium, my penis picture. People were so good. Yeah. Yeah. So we thought, we'll recreate the image. We'll get Pete to do it and put a sock over his penis.

28:43I'll take a picture. Did he have to get erect? Yeah. It's hard to get erect when people are laughing. Well, it's hard. I wasn't there. No, you were here. Do you remember? Not in the room. But you were here and it was one of the, you know this, Sam, and it's like two days before your fucking preview and you haven't written the show and you haven't made the props and it's proper like, right, okay, okay, okay. And I was like, right, we've just got to do this now. We've just got to do this now. Right, Pete, get upstairs. Be hard. And Helen was downstairs and I was shouting at him. La, la, la. And I was shouting and you'll be amazed to hear that he struggled a little bit.

29:15So I, you know, I went in there, I tried to, you know, I lifted up my top, whatever, wasn't doing it. No. And so I, oh, for God's sake. So I just, I thought, who does he like? and I went on my phone and I just pulled up a photo of Natalie Portman topless. There are Natalie Portman topless men? Well, of course there aren't. But of course people have photoshopped her head into the bodies of topless women. And I just went, there, have this. And then I walked out of the room to try and help. And sure enough, 30 seconds later, he's like, I've got your photo. And then we had to get it blown up. And we were like, what are we going to do?

29:49We can't like take this. Because you couldn't see the, it was in the sock. You can't see, was it Pronto print or something? I tried to get it printed online and they said the content was inappropriate. So there's a sock on it. And then they were like, no, but there's a radiator in the background and that's gross. Tidy your room. Get back to me. Yeah, it's horrible. It's such a jarring image. So we've got a lovely friend who works at an architect's. So they've got a massive printer for printing out plans. And he very kindly agreed to get it printed out. But then, of course, he had to stand by the printer.

30:20and like try and stop anyone coming in the room. Why are you printed out this massive photo? But eight people are coming in going, where are we building that? Yes. And then we did it in the show and people were just fucking weirded out by it. Yeah, they didn't quite know what to do. No. And I thought it would be fine. Like we'll pretend it's the real man's penis and then we'll explain that it's actually my husband's penis. And everyone will go, ah, that's a funny reveal. And then we went, no, that's even weirder. so yeah oh well look we've done vasectomy chat we've done short film chat there's a bit of porn in there bit of pornography shall we do scummy mummy confessions yes we were having family dinner last night me and the kids and and and spanish albero and hugo hugo was um showing us um pictures he'd just been on a geography trip to iceland and he's like oh look you know and here's the geyser and and then he said oh look albero i went there was a bar that was a new york bar that had like pizza and beer and he said oh did you have a cheeky one and me and the kids went albert that's so rude he said what do you mean a cheeky one and and he was saying cheeky one because like like and but we thought he said cheeky wank everyone were unwell cheeky wank and then we said say wank he went wank and then it's the same well yeah yeah yeah yeah he's gonna have to work on that We were so unwell.

31:45He's going to have to wank on that. Why would you say? He's like, why would I say wank if I meant wank? And we're like, what are you saying? So we were unwell. So we had to talk about that for a while over dinner. But anyway, that was my funny story. Maybe he was asking if they'd had a cheeky wank, but then saw your reaction. He's like, no, no, no, no, cheeky wank. Now he's like, no, I'd say wank for the rest of my life. I wanted to share. So we went to the bath. We went to the bath. Not the bath. love the bath brilliant we went to bath last week we did two shows at the comedia which was great fun uh lovely crowds um and we had two amazing winners both nights the first night we had a woman who she was moving out after divorce so she's got the removals man round and she got her mum to look after the kids um and it took a bit longer to do the move than she had planned because was on one of the trips back and forth she shagged the removals man so oh there's a lot going on in bath we'd previously had one there hadn't we about a woman who let the builder feel her up for a discount yes yes yes the kids were playing in the gun so she let the builder feel their tits is that empowerment i would say i mean i'm whatever her choice exactly yeah yeah yeah it's a funny story that's all yeah she stopped politicizing stuff builder tits lady was hot yeah she was hot af um and then the next night unbelievably excellent yes the runner-up which i did like just because it was so simple really but i think i like i liked it more than the audience was um i went on a mum's night out and got so pissed that uh i came home shat myself on my patio and blamed it on my cat

33:30just i'll get away with this i'll get away with the fucking cat i'll just say oh i like my favorite one was i got really drunk i was having a go on my dildo passed out and i woke up and the dildo had run out of batteries but was still inside me oh my god yeah well we've all we've yeah i've had i've woken up in a in a lady not in a late oh have i no i don't think so i think that's bad no i've woken up oh god i was on doing a theater tour years and years ago and I've gone really well with one of the guys that was in the cast and we were up in Edinburgh and his parents lived there he's like hey do you want to come after the show you know you instead of having to pay for digs you can stay with my parents and um I was like yeah great we went out and he could drink this guy bloody hell and you know it would always end up just like no idea what happened and I woke up in his parents very nice Edinburgh kind of townhouse in a very large lovely bedroom i hope it was the bedroom i was supposed to be in and uh i got up to get and looked in the corner of the room and it was the wall was wet and the floor was wet but there is that kind of hangover drink drunk thinking where you're like oh why did i spill a glass of water over the wall like your brain is already doing damage limitation for your own psyche oh yeah you're going back you're going back through the film and it's absolutely must 100 % be the case that in the night i got up i pissed over the very fine cornicing or whatever it is like that lovely pattern like irreplaceable type period feature i was pissed all over it and on the carpet didn't say anything just left what am i going to say well he's here thank you so much for let me stay i'll find out soon enough i love the en suite the en suite was lovely minimalist you have got a bit of damp in the corner though i must tell you uh i don't think it's rising uh sinking if anything you'll see it in the kitchen oh don't do that at home kids it smells of duke as ipo oh but the winner at bath on the second night was a lady who she said i'm a mum of three boys uh all the neuro spices which is something we can all relate to and she said today was just one of those days i had so much to do like so much work and cleaning and kids and i just just just i'm i don't know how i'm gonna do all this so i took one of my son's adhd pills oh my god i was off my tits and she was like i didn't know whether to paint the bathroom make donuts or listen to drum and bass so i did all three and i feel fucking amazing and she was brilliant and she came up on stage and we were like how do you feel and she's like i want a bit of a come down honestly she got so what was what was amazing what i you know i do love about our shows is that everyone's fucking really cheered her onto the stage we're like we've you know regardless of where we are at now parenting or motherhood or whatever we know those days where it all just feels like too fucking much yeah what we need is drugs yeah yeah yeah just to just suddenly just to help the base level but first uh sam do you have another confession yeah so i don't know if i've ever said this one arlo was very new baby at this point so this is this is going back about two and a half years this is your third baby third baby yeah so um i had to go pick up the big boys from school so you know that school road where you're approaching the school and trying to find fucking parking it's impossible and you end up having to park so far away from the school you're like i should have just walked yeah anyway so i park up and i've got i'm going to be late so i'm i run up to the school to get the boys uh i pick them up and they want to play football and it's summer and there's a field and the boys want to play and they're allowed to play like 15 minutes after school and it's a nice hot day so they're playing football and i sit down with the other mums and we're talking and and stuff and um after about it's about 15 minutes we kind of need to go and after about 15 minutes one of the mums says how's arlo getting on and i I said, he's in the fucking car.

37:38He's in the fucking car. Now, what I should have done is said to the mums, can you watch the boys? I need to go. I parked half a mile away. And it's very, very hot today. And so I'm like, boys! And of course, out of nowhere, this is... Like Thor! Yeah. So I've got one son who doesn't deal with abandonment or feels often that, you know, we need to check in with you. Like they need to know where you are, like get kind of that abandonment syndrome kind of thing. And I've got another one who's ADHD. So doesn't necessarily deal well with sudden changes. I'm like, boys! And all they know is that their dad is running away from the school and they are running after me.

38:22And I'm going, come on! And they're both in tears going, why? Come back! I'm going, no! So I'm running to a child from two children. Oh, Sam. We get out onto the Downs and School Road. A fucking ambulance drives past with the lights on. I'm like, no, killed the baby. So we're running and they are screaming, going, why are we running? I'm going, come on, I was in the car. They can't understand what I'm saying. So I'm running at half speed, trying to sort of elastic banded between these two places. We get to the car. They are screaming. the two older boys they are in fits like i've scarred them i have because there was this day that daddy ran away um arlo's just sat in the back just chilling oh absolutely fine totally fine even though i knew this story had a happy ending i'm so tense yeah i mean it makes you know oh you feel it in your family don't you it's one of those ones it makes you make sure you know It makes you a perineum clench.

39:28Oh, you poor darling. And the boys get in and I sort of have to console them. I'm so sorry. And they're like, are you going to tell Dot? I'm like, yeah. And I thought this is a good teaching moment. Yeah. Yeah, of course I'm going to tell Dot. And it's very important that, you know, we don't keep these secrets. And Emerson, always the trickster is like, just don't. Just don't tell her. We won't say. He's not going to say anything, is he? pointing at all over. He's not going to say anything. Oh, God. I really need Emerson to go into business. He's why. Oh, he is. Yeah, yeah. Really why. He'll always find the angle.

40:07But yeah. Oh, you poor thing. How long did your nervous system take to kind of calm down after that? A little while. I told Dot immediately. Like, I didn't want it. I couldn't sit on it. Fall on your sword immediately. She's amazing about it. Like, you know, God. Could have handled it better. Could have just not forgotten the child was in the car. look I don't know if this is comforting or not but you know we do scummy mommy confessions and get hundreds every week every week without fail someone will talk about forgetting a baby like driving off in Germany going to work and just leaving the baby in the car like it happens more than you think my favorite one um they were going on holiday I think and they got like a couple of miles away and then they were like in the in the car and they're like where's the baby where's the baby and they had left the baby in one of those bouncers in the doorway amazing i love it the baby was absolutely fine yeah it was absolutely fine just bouncing yeah kind of thing if i just put a little bowl of like cereal at the bottom of the bouncer yeah he could probably go away for a dirty weekend what did you used to call it it was the ring of neglect you know those those walkers just have a just have a ring of neglect yeah then i put them in oh i had one i'm not judging anyone Oh, I had one.

41:19Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You put a couple of Cheerios in. Good. Yeah, yeah. You always get them second hand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There is some ingrained. Oh, yeah. The cement of the Weetabix and milk that had been. Yeah, you can chip off. With my older boys, we had what I called baby UFC, which was this like an octagon, the padded octagon. You just set it up and then you could just put the kid in it. Yeah. And the older two were fine. You could put them in that. But Arlo was never happy in there. No. No, I never liked it in there. No, we had, we called it the cage. We had a big travel cot, basically a padded cell, and I would have it in the kitchen so I could have dinner.

41:53And then you just put them in there. And then I learned, don't put all the toys in at once. Put one in at a time. And when they get bored, put another one in. Oh, that's good. Like you're giving a rat in a trap a new puzzle to solve. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't overload them with everything. No. Yeah, we just used to tip everything in. Well. Just tip it all in and we go, look, look, there's your life. Yeah. This is what you have now. I would love that. Thinking about it now, if I was in a padded cell and someone just tipped in a novel, a nice scented candle, maybe a glass of wine or two, a big pillow.

42:25Yeah, I was going to say, and a magic wand. Yeah, it'd be great. I think that sounds lovely. And before they shut the door, they go, by the way, no one is watching. This is a no shame space. And you're like, good, because this is going to get fucking disgusting. Who knows where the Watsits are going? Well, there we are. A Christmas gift idea for any dads listening. So instead of a panic room, like a little shame cell. Yeah. These are a few of my favourite things. I think if women, wives, did build a little, instead of that understairs toilet, just had a little room and just let him go in there for 15 minutes a day, you'd have a far more productive husband.

43:05What are you talking about? That's what they do all the fucking time. That is true. Pete's got the loft. That's archaic things. Well, Charlie's got the loft now. But no, Pete, we have to have an agreement. he has to tell me that he's going like for as we as we like to say aslan is on the move not because i'm controlling or i want to know when he's doing a shit but just so that like he's i'm aware that he's going to disappear for half an hour yeah yeah so if there's any important exchange we have to have about logistics whether i don't interrupt him and also i don't get annoyed because he's like it's like he's gone to narnia yeah like we have poo logistics in my house so everyone else's poo is more important than my poo because my poo will take too long yeah exactly so dot will be like are you where are you going you go for a poo i'll be like yeah she's like i need to go before you she doesn't need to go now yeah but she needs to go in in a time frame in the next two days that would overlap with mine yeah exactly yeah so mine has to wait and always i sit down in the toilet and uh you hear this little voice but i need a wee wee you're like fucking all right and you get up and off i just sit on the stairs with my pants around my ankles just Just waiting to go.

44:13I've learnt that it's quite a sacred thing. Like for Albro, he likes, he'll go upstairs, you know, I can hear his Spanish radio and da-da-da. But when Albro, he listened to his Spanish. Stupid foreign radio with their ones and their wanks. But we were on holiday. We went to Prague last weekend for our three-year anniversary and we only had one loo and we both needed a pill at the same time and he went in first. I went, hurry up, hurry up. And I rushed him and he was. no you can't make a man crimp no no because it takes longer because of the wiping oh but i was fucking touching cloth and there was no other i mean i probably could have gone downstairs but i made him rush and he was not so now i'm just like i'll go in first a rushed poo is is it's not it's not quicker no no anyway so yeah i don't know i think this is a generalization obviously but i think more women i know and we can just knock it out it's like if you've got shit to do you just you just squeeze it out like squeezing toothpaste i think there's something to do with organizational thinking and i think also i think it's that's a true i think men tend to fathers i think maybe see that as a true place of solitude superman's gaff like no one really well the idea of thinking is no one could get me in here but they can of course because they will just have you got more than one loo at your house we've got one oh fuck that's the problem so my little son he's nearly 11 and still if i go to the toilet he mom he wants something a sensor goes off to the point where i said to pete i think he's waiting for me to go it is like a sensor go yeah and he obviously isn't he's not he's not a psychopath but it is like i started keeping track of it and it happens every single day i go for a piss and he goes mom yeah the toilet is seems to be the place where um I suppose the equivalent is when you were in the days when one smoked lighting a cigarette to make the bus come yeah yeah yeah yeah that seemed to be all the way I suppose the Axis equivalent is booking a holiday yes and then you'll get a job yeah yeah my kids will be standing outside the loo and you know given they're 17 and 14 they're like I'm going to see this thing on TikTok Mal I'm like element just like just want a two minute poo I actually don't take that long no no yeah well I'm glad we've cleared that one up that's what the b-day's for much like Sam after the well you know I've been thinking I've not been able to stop thinking about this when you ripped all the chair on the all the paper on the yeah yeah did you just have to leave it there yeah oh so someone came in and was like someone comes in and I don't know you're a monster I don't know if I was supposed to throw that away well I don't know I think so no after you have a wax you know like when you go and get your your foof wax they put paper all over the thing and they yeah yeah I just wonder if they came in and thought you'd had a really angry wank Yeah, it looked like I'd had an emotional breakdown instead of masturbating.

47:04You bastard! The last go, though. Fucking women, fucking women! I'm putting all my hate in a jar! Oh, mummy! Mum! Oh, no! New neural pathway detected. They should have been a Wi-Fi. That was crazy. I think they did me a benefit. they did me a boon i think it was good to know that you can still self self you know yeah self emulate self emulate why was that in my head i don't know although i mean with the speed i was going no it's it's all disgusting and gross but um yeah no it was natural no i know not the way i do it uh so much thrashing fighting a bear there is the thing about sort of you know like you do want to find yourself in some kind of way attractive as a person it's very important to have that kind of yes yes and there is no nothing you there's nothing masturbating as a 46 year old man on a paper chair with your trousers on your ankles trying to use your imagination and it's it's an image i've banked for later it's so awful it was when you were stiff as a board like you'd some had had some sort of muscle special this is what i have to do yeah i never learned i have to point my toes to yeah yeah i have to i get cramp in my legs like i would have done yeah i have to point my toes to get to the to the point yeah isn't that funny the pinnacle of the mountain yeah yeah i've never just sort of trained myself out of that i'm sure i could it's just like no i'm i'm a straight i'm a straight leg guy yeah same same yeah couldn't do it sitting down i can have sex standing up but we're never ever going to finish no no that's true do you put your toes do you have a little no she has to click and look at an imaginary camera like this and then in her head she goes it's ellie tans oh that's it you're right you've absolutely nailed it let's end this podcast on this highbrow note uh yes of course we're on tours scummy mummies.com for all the dates and tickets big christmas tour coming up thorno chelmsford and norwich yes come to those ones there are tickets available there and guildford and then we crack on into 2026 with Rotherham.

49:18Yes, that's right. And big things like Northampton. We've got three big shows in Hartford, two massive shows in Winchester. So we've got lots on, Ellie. You guys are like fucking U2 now. It's just these big talks. Yes, U2 are always playing the Yvonne Arnaud in Guildford. Well, the equivalent, the, you know. Do you want to plug anything, Sam? No. I'm going to be in The Witcher at some point. Are you? Yeah. Next series. I'm in and we didn't know. Oh. Who do you play? Not her, everyone has to tell you. Some guy. I get killed. Oh. That was cool. I'd do training, I'd do sword fights, I got my own cut off.

49:54I mean, I've never watched it. You look a bit like Henry Cavill. That's why I grew a beard. Oh, really? That's a bizarre compliment. I don't look nothing like Henry Cavill. Yes, you do. Physically, yes. You're emotionally. You've got brown hair. Yeah, yeah. Beard. Oh, my God, you look at men the same way as some men look at women. It's man-shaped, you've got beard. It's fine. Eyes. Yes, I guess. Hands. Henry Cavill. yes Pete does an amazing Henry Cavill voice but that's a story for another time anyway it's time now he does he does the Witcher voice does he come here oh I can't oh it's okay again you don't need pornography you just need a funny voice I was just thinking that's what it stand outside the room and do the voice it's not pointing the toes it's not lying flat it's the Henry Cavill with the Witcher voice can I come in and get no if I see you it's ruined nice chit anyway um we better go uh you better go i've got to pop upstairs thank you so much for coming on the podcast thanks for having me until next time bye

51:02who are you if you were a band i'm trying to think who you are uh because no no think about it because you're playing decent value so you're not you're not you know you're not cold play we We once were on, I think it was Cardiff. The night before was Wet, Wet, Wet. And the night after was S Club 3. So we're somewhere on that spectrum. Yeah, but you're still kind of new. You're not fading. You're not on this. We've never been famous. No, no. You're on the pinnacle. So this is, I think. Yes, yes, yes. Yeah, yeah. Scooch. Oh, they were Univision, weren't they? Sorry, Eurovision. They were, but before, they were like a band in their own right.

51:39Yeah, Scooch. Never quite as big as Steps or S Club. So not quite as big as Mel and Sue or French and Saunders. But, you know. Yeah, yeah. Might get on Eurovision one day. Yeah, you scooch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Scooch is good. Jazz and Dave? Oh. No. They're dead. They're all dead. Are they? They're all dead, Dave. So how's all Dave? Does it matter? It's a bit like the To Me, To Yous. What are they called? Cheeky Brothers. One of them's dead. No. Cheeky Girls. What are the Cheeky Girls? Chuckle Brothers. Oh, right. Chuckle Brothers, Cheeky Girls, Cheeky Brothers. No. cheeky brothers cheeky the cheeky brothers an amazing tribute at where the first half of the show is the cheeky girls and the second half is the chuckle brothers we can form that guys something for everyone we can do that oh my god and it's just the one chuckle brother coming in and going there was a problem with the format of this to me goodnight to me to me oh we're going to hell we're going to hell we've got to go stop it