325: Xmas Special - When the Ham Man Brings the Ham

0:28Good evening, welcome to the World Service. Hello scumbags, this is the Scummy Mummies Podcast with your hosts, Ella Gibson and Helen Thorne.

0:44Hello and welcome to the Scummy Mummies Christmas Podcast 2025. Oh my God, I can't believe it. This is our 13th Christmas podcast. No way. Yeah, because we did our first one in 2013. We did the first ever Christmas podcast with a lovely lady called Charlotte Forfier. Yes. Where's she now? Well, I saw her the other month. I did a book event and she was at the book event and came up to me and said, do you remember me? And I said, of course I do. You're Charlotte Forfier and you were on our first ever Christmas podcast. And she said, yes, yes, yes. But she's moved now. She doesn't live round here anymore.

1:16So we've invited someone else who lives round here. It is, of course, Nurse Jessie. Welcome back, Jessie. Hello, Jessie. Thank you. Oh, it's always a joy to have you with us, Jessie. Is it a joy for you as it is for us? Always. Always a joy. I know that some friends of yours have listened to the Christmas podcast and accused us of bullying you. Yes. That is accurate. I'd just like you to say on the tape that you consent to everything. Pre-consent. Just read this out. Read this out. I'm not sure about the pre-consent part, but I consented to come on the podcast. You've come here of your own free will.

1:57Yes. Nobody's got guns in your head. Angela Wickham. Yes. You come here as a king and a virgin. You don't need to ask for Angela. You're okay. No, Angela. Okay. And who else have we got, Helen Thorne? Well, we've got one of our favourite roadies here, Ellie. He's definitely in the top four, Helen. I believe so. He can drive. He's got long hair. It's Stephen Hill. He don't care. welcome miserable steve as you're otherwise known thank you so much on a scale of one to ten how miserable are you today well that eggs burnt me up to be honest helen has brought delicious curried eggs which we've all enjoyed so in about half an hour this podcast yes it could go could go west it's already starting to shift yeah i think i had about six six halves six halves three full eggs that's a four egg day yep now we don't have sam pamphlet with us this year because we decided it was getting too much it was too many people we've we've had to cut down so uh we did a podcast with him on his own the other week about mainly about his vasectomy yes i know that was a great chat i didn't um really have that much of an idea about what a vasectomy entailed both pre during and post ellie yes do you know stephen not a clue well so what they do is okay they cut yeah i'll listen to it later and then as sam described it it's like when you're fishing around for a headphone lead in the drawer or a usb lead and you sort of hook it around your finger pull it out just fucking jizz on the tips easy for everyone not the face not easier for the lady you've got to go and clean your tits i'd do it for you hot towel hot warm towel like you're having a baby that's beautiful move don't move oh i think i think it's worth it like you know for women we have to do all this contraception bizo and i think a little short um you know procedure is a lot if she's killed in a car crash you could have it done in a lunch hour can you again i'll do it for you but that's um as you'll find out in the podcast because steve i know you'll be listening to it very soon i don't think it's the ones i'm on you they can still be a little bit of um semen i mean i'm anyway happy christmas everyone lovely when the Semen brings the sperm.

4:18And the semen brings the sperm. Hang on. Is that... No. Is that how it works? No, you explain it, Jessie. Semen's the lot, isn't it? Semen? Isn't semen like the fluid? And the sperm's like the seed? I think the sperm lives in the semen. Like a sea. Yes, yes, yes. Perhaps. We're a medical person here. All right, anyway. Well, look, we're less than five minutes in and we're already talking about jizzing on tits and what semen is. So, welcome everybody. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. God bless you all. It's what the baby Jesus would have wanted. It is what it is. Technically still a virgin. Yes, yes.

4:57Only on the tits. Conceived by a ghost. Yeah, a ghost. Ghost. Ghost fuck. So, shall we begin with some Christmas traditions, Helen? Yes. Do you know what my favourite tradition is? Nurse Jessie's job. Yay! Line's a new job, Jessie. If you listen to the podcast regularly, the Christmas podcast you know every year I think for several five years now something Jessie has had a new job yes so let's find out if her record remains unbroken for 2025 Jessie have you got a new job yes yes yes yes come on Jessie's jobs I want to be Jessie's jobs now it feels like Christmas yes yes the spirit is in me yes Jessie that is so exciting well done what's your new job I'm Programme Director for the Mind and Body Program.

5:46I was going to say that. That was my second guess. Pretend to be printing something. Well, it's better than being counting. What are you going to say then? It's all about how to integrate mental and physical health in our healthcare system. Very good. And doctors, nurses, who do you talk to? All of them. All of those. Right. All of the above. Or is it, I don't know, pirates and nonsense? Who do you talk to, Jessie? Who do you talk to? And patients and carers and members of the community and allied health professionals. Do you basically run a chat line? Is it a sex chat line? No. Is that your real talk?

6:29No, I did have a job similar to that once upon a time. Wait, what? You had a job on a sex chat line? No, I worked for a sexual health charity and I was like the emergency help line. That's where I know you. oh then you should know about where the semen and the sperm yes but i also i'm uh perimenopausal and can't remember anything oh i started hrt this week yay that's nice how's that going oh i love it i don't know if it works or not but you know it's a thing to do it's the main thing like crochet yes yeah you know when you i was i was listening to a podcast the other day about the placebo effect and like even if you think you're doing something good it's it's your brain can kind of go no that's great you know and you could feel better but anyway i spray myself with estrogen sometimes twice three times and hopefully i'll stop feeling weird and remember things yeah maybe i've also been on hrt for some time and i still can't remember anything Stephen's hand is in his hands here He's perimental most of the time Well there is also a male menopause Is there?

7:41Yes Come off it To some degree yes I couldn't scratch it And a lot of men do get philosophy don't they? Do you? Has that happened to you Stephen? No just a good hour a day Keep pointing north Use them as a sundial That must be an inconvenience every day though Some days you're like I don't want to do that Carrying a fucking iron bar around with you. Oh, dear. Excellent. So, that's the first Christmas tradition out of the way. Congratulations, Jessie. Anyone remember what her job was? Director of Mental Health and Physical Bodies in hospitals going forward with doctors and nurses. Chatting and...

8:21Well done. Wow. That was Helen Thorne. Was that an egg girl? Weird about. That's the first egg. Oh, that's eggy. That is eggy. oh god that's got extra eight that's got a little punch that's that's it oh my shorts are too tight is there a medical professional here

8:46could you step outside for a few minutes please would you like some cushions to make you more comfortable no it's fine it's fine i'll just drink some more fizzy wine okay that will help Have you done some further study? Weren't we talking about this last time? You were going to do some further study. Is that right, Jessie? No. One day you'll find someone doing further study. I'm very excited about further study. But you haven't done a master's or some? No, no further study. Years ago, years ago. Years ago. Oh, well done. It's over it. Have any of us done any further study? No further study has been undertaken.

9:23Oh, damn it. Next year, come on. Someone has to do some kind of course. I am on a course. I don't know. But it's not a studying course. You've broken up. You've broken up. But what is a course if it's not studying? Well, it's learning together. It's different to studying. Learning. Is it? Huh? But are you studying when you're learning? Isn't that what learning is? But I don't have to go and, like, read books outside. You go and have exploratory workshops about stuff. Oh. I mean, that's... And she got into swinging. No. So you're doing a course that's not learning. Well, no, it is learning. It's not studying.

10:04Oh, sorry. Oh, what's the... How do you learn if you don't study? This is my sperm and semen all over again. I don't get it. They can be synonymous. Oh. That means the same thing. Thank you. Thank you. I do. I've got to. Helen needs to do some further study of the English language. I do, I do. Now, shall we do Linda chat? We shall. What are we going to say? We're going to say, happy birthday, Linda. And happy birthday, Steve. And your birthday is tomorrow. Thursday. No. Yes. It's the 11th, isn't it? Oh, usually. Every year. That's a nice, nice one. No, it's not. It's a disgrace. Everything is all Christmassy, as we know.

10:49No respect shown. so congratulations Stephen happy birthday Stephen and happy birthday Linda and then we would normally ask how Sam's mother-in-law Linda is but he's not here so we can't ask him but if you're listening Linda happy birthday Linda and also hello Linda hope you're well yes and that's Linda chat done yes I love a quick Linda update there's another tradition that is Steve specific can you guess what I'm getting go on then

11:21that one yes what's wrong with the snowman bringing this well it's just it's the wrong way around isn't it where's he fucking come from or he just manifested himself out of nothing and then brought the snow fuck his snow obviously the snow comes first then you make a snowman out of it wizard cock and what is the snowman flying through fragments of his own flesh fragments of his own flesh yes going through my flesh I'm flying through my blood and guts Right, is that all the Christmas traditions, Dordo? I believe so Let's go into the roundup of the Scummy Mummies Because we've had a big bumper year, 2025 We've got a new show called Hot Mess, which you've all been to Yay!

12:05And for the first time, we now have a third member of the band So you're part of the show now, Stephen You get to do one of the sketches with us and come on at the end for a bow. That is right. I am the voice of Master Mum, a seemingly thrown together sketch that ends the first half. I've made it my own, I think. Yes, you've done very well. Sometimes you jazz it up a bit. The gravitas of Clive Myrie, a bit of Magnus Magnusson. It's based on Mastermind. They've just changed the word mind to mum. Best and worst show of the year, Helen. The best for me, as always, somewhat predictably, is Catford, because it's a big homecoming show.

12:44So 800 people. A fucking oasis at Nebworth. What was your worst show of the year, Helen? The worst show of the year was Twickenham, but only for the first 20 minutes where we had, for the first time ever in our audience, two women who were vaping, Ellie. Yeah. And they were a bit leery. Yes, they were quite leery. One of them at one point just shouted out, saggy tits. Yes. Like, yeah, no. That's right. Yes, that's right, miss. That's half of the jokes in the show. Exactly that. I wasn't sure if it was meant to be an insult or sort of encouraging. Yes, I have. I don't know what that was. That was pretty spicy.

13:17So we're officially halfway through the Hot Mess tour now. We're doing the Christmas show at the moment. Next year, we start again in January in Rotherham. Yeah. We're going to do Hot Mess right up to December, possibly even into 27. Yes. What's good is I'm not sick of doing it yet. I still like it. It's a great show. I always like it when audience members come up to us and said, I think you're just getting funnier, which is a nice thing. But does that mean we weren't as funny before? There is always that. Finally you've got that. Finally worked it out. So all in all, I fucking loved 2025 tour.

13:54It's been good fun. The poor vans had a few little hiccups along the way. Poor Peter got stradded. Oh, well, we all stradded on the motorway. But she came good in the end. Yeah, first time she's broken down in six years, that van. So that was pretty good. Yes, Dad not doing so much of the roading anymore. sadly but we have new Rosie, Rose the Hammer Hammock. Did you hear that Stephen's intake of breath? Stephen's very jealous aren't you? I can't see her now.

14:25Anyone who's been to the Hot Mess show will have seen the amazing sets that Rose made. I could do lots of things. And she arranges the set so it all looks nice doesn't she? Yeah. And then she goes into our dressing room see and she hangs up i'm not touching your clothes she hangs up all of our catsuits like she turns them the right way out and she puts them in different piles separate for each of us it's all neat and all ready rummage through your knickers if you want i'm also my contract that's why she's the hammer because she uses a hammer to build the set she puts the hammer down gets us there in good time and you can't touch her don't want to uh should we do someone else's highlights and lowlights yes what were your favorite bits of 2025 you go jesse well it started really well with uh chips centerparks yeah oh yes of course you guys did that in january yes we went for the weekend with the four families and then the men took the children away and jesse and i just spent four nights living in a wood a log cabin in the woods it was amazing absolutely delightful yeah uh any other highlights jesse well my youngest finished her gcse so that was a huge relief she got all the all the nines didn't she and she is very happy in sixth form so that's also great big daughter she's doing medicine she's in her second year at uni and is also very happy so you know it's a big relief any lowlights jesse uh not going on enough holidays probably yes i feel like we haven't been on enough holidays this year so what are your highlights and lowlights of the year stephen low light spending time with you being replaced by some fucking random woman but no on a professional level yeah I'm really pleased to finish my third arguably fifth book this year finally several years this is a world exclusive what's it called released next year is Friday Night Fever Inside the Cult of Half Man Half Biscuit by Stephen M Hill on Root Publishing that's amazing and what's publication date Yeah, sort of spring.

16:32Cool. Lovely. Like the ITV dramas. That's when your book's coming out, Helen. Wow, fuck off. Head to head up the bestseller chart. Oh, look out. I mean, I'm not sure it's your target market. As you probably find yourself, once you finish something like that, you just fucking mentally go off a cliff. You just don't know what the fuck to do with yourself. All I do now is just remember mistakes that I made and text me, I know I think I've got that wrong on page 78. Yeah, it's mainly brilliant, I'll be honest. The publisher enjoyed it. I think it's the best thing I've done in Return to Form. like every album everyone ever releases five stars five stars in mojo very good well not a good writer who do lots of things you can uh helen what have your highlights and no lights been you've been for some big jogs did some big jogs um so i i did uh the tokyo marathon but i don't think that was my favorite thing in tokyo i think my favorite thing in tokyo was an egg sandwich at the 7-Eleven like I think I enjoyed that more than the run but yeah I think my highlight was was being on tour again and it was very fun Ellie what about you and your happy times this year well I'm like Jessie I love a holiday yeah we went to Turkey which wasn't my favorite holiday but I went scuba diving for the first time in about 20 years which was amazing so that was brilliant and went to Italy and you came with my goddaughter to Italy.

17:53So that was lovely. Low lights. Well, I had my knee cut open in September for a partial knee replacement. And basically it's a long, tedious story, but I think it's gone a bit wrong. So I've got to have another operation in just under two weeks. I'm going to a different hospital this time. Let's just say that. But the man who's going to fix my knee, he is a very famous knee surgeon who previously fixed Harry Kane's hamstring. Amazing. I keep saying this, but hamstrings are just time heals hamstrings. Well, by this time next year, I'll be playing for England. That's what I'm saying to you. But to be honest, it's annoying and yes, sometimes painful.

18:32And it's been stressful because it means, you know, it makes our working life harder. It means we have to do the heavy lifting. Helen and the roadie literally have to do all the heavy lifting. He has a name. so it's been it's been great and i've had some other stuff family stuff and that which has been really hard but generally onwards and upward yes what's been your low light thorn well when i got back from tokyo um i woke up at 6 a.m you know because i had jet lag and i went downstairs i'm like i'm a bit tired all of a sudden i was on the toilet one of my pipes not personal uh in my in in my house burst and it was black water gushing like 180 degrees from the floor to ceiling out of a burst radiator.

19:21And there was just black water and I didn't know how to stop it. And it was just kept coming and coming and coming. And I had to call your friend Ed very early. And then I just basically went into the boiler and twisted all the knobs and pressed all the buttons vigorously and then somehow I managed to make the water stop that was after the tree fell in my house and various things so because I live in this sort of winky wonky wooden house things just fall off my house all the time so I never know quite what's going to happen at the moment it's very windy so it's it's shaking a lot so often we feel like we're going to go to Oz have you heard of the brick no no no I do basically live in a wooden shed so but apart from that it It was lovely.

20:06Yes, yes, yes. And low light would be my cat's randomness of using the toilet in my room. Well, they're not using the toilet. They're toileting in my room. Yeah, yeah. There's no toilet in there. Yes. Because that would be fine. No, no, no. If they did that, that would be great. What are they doing? You're shitting and pissing on your belongings. Yes, they are. Two words. Cat flap. I know. That's what I need to do. That's what I need to do next year. So, yes, yes, that kind of thing. that has been my low light any more highlights or lowlights anyone would like to share? Lost in the playoff final to Scunthorpe OK there we go the other night oh no we watched a bit of we watched the match of today and you said you enjoyed my commentary Stephen it was sexist and reductive I rated all the players by sexual attractiveness and asked if every man with a shaved head was Pep Guardiola I enjoyed myself thoroughly You did.

21:04That was a running gag. Not because you didn't ruin it for anyone else. That's the main thing. One of the other lowlights is I had root canal surgery. Would not run. Oh, that was fucking rough, wasn't it? I had called this part of our tour Head, Shoulders, Knees and Woes because there was one gig that we rocked up to. Ellie had just... Oh, you were gone. You were on so many drugs. Ellie's knee was clicking in and out. She was in so much pain. My fucking plate rack was filled. You had your sciatica. So you were like the hunchback of Notre Dame. And you had this drugged out of your mind. And then I was on such heavy pain kills because my face had puffed up.

21:39And I had like an abscess in my gum. And we rocked up like some kind of misfits. Yeah, that was in fucking... Like we're all quasi-miss. Barnsley, yes. I think that was Barnsley away. Merry Christmas. Yeah. Yes. Should we do some presents, Helen? I would love presents, Ellie. Here are the presents. Now this year we've got gift bags Jessie's gift bag You can keep the bag Stephen This is for you And you'll find a birthday present in there as well In birthday paper Two different presents Ibel and vulva I will be rocking that round NW10 A pink bag with the word vulva on it We were given these bags from Minta Hormone Health they were brought to us at one of our gigs.

22:27Yeah. And we thought Stephen would like a bag. Bag says Beaver Laval. Who wouldn't want that? I'm going to go birthday first. Is that the birthday wrapper? Well, it's just generic. It's just blue tissue paper. But it's not Christmas paper, is it? She said with birthday paper, it's just not Christmas paper. Which is a start? Well, what do you have? Sometimes you get a Christmas card with the word Christmas. Don't slap me, you fucking bitch. What I think I heard was... Is it soap? Thank you. I haven't opened it yet. Might not like it. A bar of parbonic soap. What does it say? It's not got me readers on.

23:00It says fanny.

23:04I thought you'd like to wash your face in fanny. A bar of soap with the word fanny on it. Oh, hello. Strangest thing I've ever seen. Clean yourself with a fanny. My great aunt Sui gave me a bar of fanny, and I thought I know who else would like that. On to Christmas now. It is a white item. It's a T-shirt. A T-shirt that says, No. I identify as a Tesco meal deal. Yeah, you could. Well, that's true. Do you like a meal deal? Stephen loves a meal deal. His favourite thing, he has to work out. He doesn't care what the flavors are, what he's eating. What's your theory of the meal deal, Stephen? The most expensive of each item, whether you like it or not.

23:42That's just maths. Value. Value. What is it usually? It's usually the coconut. Coconut water. Poison. Croissant duck. and a really spicy Dorito. Yeah. Fucking nightmare. Your guts are in turmoil, but you have nailed it. You've taken six quids worth of them for three quid and they can't fucking touch you. You can't stop. You can go twice. Go again. They can't touch you. Put it on your card. Get the points. We were once in a Tesco and you didn't have your card with you and you got all twitchy. I grabbed the woman by the neck. You, no, you didn't. You got twitchy and you were, oh, anyone got a card?

24:19And they did. Someone offered. She was pleased for the points. I was pleased for the 30 pence. Everyone wins. Okay. Apart from fucking Tesco. Smash the system. Great news. Moving on to Jessie. I can guess what that is. Oh. What does it say on the mum, Jessie? It's a Bristol stool chart. Yay! Hello. And for those uninformed, so... I'm all about this. You'd forgotten about the Bristol stool chart. I'll show you mine now. Do you keep a diary? Mentally. so the bristol steel chart goes from type one to type seven of different types of poo yes so your type one are your little like hard little pebbles pebbles yeah yeah oh well i was advised not not to compare it to food because that could then like distress people this is kids could put you off maltesers why could that distress people well because they might not want to eat maltesers Well, that's even better.

25:16Rot your teeth. Well, we used to refer to it as like scrambled egg and stuff. Anyway, and then type 7 is just water. Oh, just your squick. Fishing through the eye of a needle. What you had all over your walls with your radios. Yes, yes, yes. Liquid, liquid. What we had when we came back from Nepal that time. Oh, yeah. Oh, that we had, Jardia. I just thought, Jessie, obviously you've got an interest in healthcare and how nice to be drinking tea. I'm going to go and put that in the office cupboard. Thanks. What's the ideal shit? He's a type four. Like a sausage or snake, smooth and soft. One that just slides into the water like a crocodile.

25:52Barely breaks the surface. I like one which is called an angel poo. You just do it in one go and a clean wipe afterwards. Where did they even go? A ghost poo. What about you? Once you get to the blood, you're done. Stephen, that generally is a sign that you might need to get things checked out. You've got that bog paper that turns red when you're finished. All right. So just, Dad. Merry Christmas. I don't want to do any swaps from the chat face. Before we do ham review, I've got a little quiz for us. I have a quiz. We like a quiz at this time of year. Yes, we do. The good news is, Jessie, you don't have to do any impressions.

26:29Yay. You don't have to do any silly voices. In fact, you don't have to really get involved in the quiz at all. And that's because the quiz is about you. Oh, fuck. So, as you may remember, Jessie, it was your birthday in February. as it always is. Yes. And you came here with your lovely family and I wrote a quiz about you for your family. I'd forgotten this already. I had forgotten this as well until I found the quiz the other day. And I thought, brilliant, I can't be bothered to write a new quiz. Re-quiz. We'll just do the same quiz. Yes. We'll do it on Steve and Helen. Yes. And Jessie. Fairly fucking nervous here once a year.

27:05Yes. A nurse or something. What do you like to say? Just make the rest up, Helen. Director of Operations, Mind and Body and Job. Program. manager. Lewisham North. Yeah. So it is a Jessie quiz. Yay! It is a Jessie quiz. Wow. All the questions, all the questions about Jessie and Jessie's line. Jessie's Giants. Oh, okay. As a teenager, Jessie worked in Martin's newsagent in Blackheath. Hello, Martin. Yeah. Hello. Hello, Martin. Martin's newsagent in Blackheath. Jessie had to wear a T-shirt that said what? A, get your free hugs here. B, I'm itching to give you a scratch c let me stroke you or d give us a kiss big boy wow none of those are great when was it when was this this was what in the 90s early 90s i'm just for lol different time different time i was gonna say d can i stick with d uh it's b i'm itching to give you a scratch whoa oh is it For the scratchy.

28:06Scratch car. Fuck being hell. Damn it. Okay. What was the name of Jessie's old dead dog? Oh. A, Jago, B, Sandy, C, Frankie, or D, Mrs. Furry Tits? Again, I want to say D. You go for it. I'm going to say Django. Django wasn't even an option. But I could have imagined my dad calling a dog. What was the other one? It was like Django. Django. Oh, okay. I'll let you have that. What's left? Frankie. Yes, it is kind of a trick question. Django, Sandy and Frankie, Jesse. You're all my dead dogs. You're lots of dogs. All your dead dogs. So, will I get a point? Sure. Sure. Django. Django gets one. What is Jesse's favourite colour?

28:53A, green, B, pink, C, blue or D, Dave's beautiful creamy skin? I'm going to go, well, she's wearing green. Green. I'm going to say green. Jessie? Usually, yes. Yay! If you ask Jessie what colour her hair is, she will say one thing, but what colour is it actually? A, ginger, B, strawberry blonde, C, light brown, or D, grey like Gandalf. I'm going to go light brown. Strawberry blonde. What would you say, Jessie? Well, increasingly going grey like Gandalf. But I used to say I was strawberry blonde. And what did everyone else say? I was ginger. Which perfume did Jessie wear during the late 1990s? Was it A, CK1, B, Sun Moon Stars, C, Obsession, or D, Dog Piss and Vinegar?

29:57CK1, because you're worth it. What's the answer, Jessie? Sun Moon Stars. I don't know. Sun Moon Stars. Do you remember it came in the blue bottle with a garbage? I don't, I'll be honest. Am I in the wrong place? What did Jessie once win a prize for? A, an essay about the poems of Thomas Hardy. B, research into mental support for students. C, the most boring lecture about handwashing ever. Or D, her special Bangkok ping pong trick. I'm going to say A. B. So Helen's gone the poems of Thomas Hardy. Stephen's gone research into mental support. What's the answer, Jessie? It is B. Yes! Come on, on fucking brand.

30:37It's on brand. She's the director of mental health business. She's also very learned. Now, Stephen might know this because he went to the same university. When Jessie was a student, what was the name of the club she went to every weekend? A, time tunnel. B, the love shack. C, disco inferno. Or D, Mr. B.P.'s magic glory hole. There was a time tunnel in Liverpool, I think. Time tunnel? It was time tunnel. This is it then? This is it. Neck and neck. Tell Jessie to close her eyes. Close your eyes, Jessie. What colour are Jessie's eyes? Oh! A, blue, B, green, C, brown, or D, ginger? Blue, brown, gold, no.

31:23Fuck, I'm going to go brown. Who's got gold eyes? Brown. Oh, what was the other one? Grey. No, not grey. so I win I hate this quiz blue green brown or ginger green brown Jessie what colour are your eyes actually grey oh bluey grey I already said blue I thought your eyes were grey oh well turns out Helen is a better friend than I am even though I've known Jessie all my life and that is the Jessie I got option E grey which was correct oh alright now Now, Peter is preparing the ham. I'm sorry that I haven't brought a ham. No, I brought a ham. But while Peter is preparing the ham, why don't we do scummy mummy confessions?

32:12Yes, please. You know, like I like to run. Not for you. Not for you. You don't run. Bloody hell, you dark horse. I know. What next? I know. Anyway. That's a chat. It's very cold here in London at the moment. I had a two-hour run I had to do in the morning and it was cold. Had to do. Had to do. And I thought, oh, nothing worse than being all warm in your pyjamas, waking up at like six in the morning and getting changed into cold running gear. So what did I do? Went to sleep in your running gear. I went to sleep in my full running kit. Straight out. Yeah, straight out. Yes. Really good. Okay, so that's Scummy Mummy confession number one.

32:50I thought you would find that disgusting. But no, I'm... I don't give a fuck. I couldn't sleep in leggings. Yeah, they're all... Very restrictive. Bit sticky. And full socks. I did the whole kiboot. I like it. You like the efficiency, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. It was very good. Shower when you get home? No, I guess that. Yeah, exactly. No one knew. Set fire to your clothes. Yep. I enjoyed that. Look, the Black Friday got me this year. I fell down. I fell down the Black Friday. I avoided it totally last year. Right. I fell down the rabbit hole a bit this year. and um one of the things i bought was um i haven't worn control pants for years because i'd sort of decided a while ago oh who cares not i mean i've had two babies i've got a tummy that's what that is but then uh i read uh in the guardian grace dent recommended skims that came yeah yeah dashing pants and she said oh they're really amazing and i thought hey maybe control pants have changed i thought maybe they've the technology's improved maybe they're super comfy and yeah if i want to get into my velvet suit at christmas maybe this is the answer rather than not rather than eating less which i can't be asked to do either so no no no so i spent an evening black friday i think it was like 55 60 they are pricey yeah very dear and i was like oh i'll try them on and pete had gone out so i was just here with the boys and i was upstairs and i put on these skims and they're so hard to put on yeah that i had to look up a tiktok video how to put these pants on what do you do you have to like lubricate you have to like roll them and you have to put one leg in and then the other and with my bad knee oh really oh really that's a risk you should not have taken but you know what i'm like i'm like no for a penny yes i know you bought the ticket take the ride i managed to get them over both knees with great difficulty and then i managed to get them up to my tummy and then i couldn't get them up i couldn't unroll them oh i couldn't and they start they literally cut me in half i mean we have a we have a joke about this in our show but they were lit properly i thought they were going to cut off my circulation oh gosh no no no no no you'd be you'd be and i was lighted to lewisham i was in so much pain and i couldn't i just couldn't i could not and then i couldn't get i was like right okay eject eject and i couldn't get them off and i was pushing them down but that rolled them and made them tighter and i ended up having to go johnny johnny johnny like i was on fire which i felt like i was were you wearing knickers underneath the knickers i did have knickers oh thank goodness yes yes but for hygiene i was only tied them on oh yeah i kept my knickers on i was like you've got and he came up and he's like what and i said you've got to help me you've got to help me poor kid every 14 year old boy's dream oh absolutely that that's uh rolling around like a stuck pig yeah yeah yeah okay so are you poor just help me just help me just help me get him over the hips that's all i need and then and then And I was like, right, okay, go, go, go.

35:41Let Sam speak of this again. And bless him. But he was like, mum, what are you doing? What are you doing? And I was like, I just thought I'd try these control bands. He was like, you don't need control bands. What's wrong with you? And I was like, I don't know. He's a very good feminist. Well done. A great reflection of your parenting, Ellie. And he was like, don't do that again. I was like, no, I won't. Only when your dad's here. So that was the lesson learned. Yes. No, thank you, Ms. Kardashian. Stephen, do you have a scummy mummy confession for us? Yeah, I was thinking about it. So I lied. I lied to the school for a good reason.

36:15It was a Wednesday in April, or possibly May. Told them George was ill. Botted him into the car, drove to Chester. Chesterby-Buckson, playoff eliminator. Delayed kickoff, extra time. 1-2-1. Got him at 2am, get to fuck to bed. Up at 8 the next day. Worth it. We'll do it again tomorrow. That's educational. When that winning goal went in, he was absolutely ecstatic. Algebra will still fucking be there. Sticking a winner up Buxdon in the 114th minute, we'll live with him forever. He'll remember. I'll do it again tomorrow. Fucking lock me up if I have to. Just not every day. If they don't play every day, that'd be impractical.

36:50Okay, fine, fine, fine. Well, Jessie and I would never let our children have a day off school to go on a holiday, would we? Never. That would be a terrible, terrible thing to do. Would not do that. No. No. Good. Jessie, what's your scummy mummy confession? Is it that time you took your kids on holiday? Yeah. I'm trying to remember I think actually my daughter sent you a video like a week or two ago which she's taken to doing when I'm doing anything that she disapproves of she just films me and sends it to Ellie nice she knows I will judge it yeah exactly I can't actually recall what it was I have no memory she messaged me say and it just says she's upgraded to an even more old person phone it's even got a strap and then she sent me a picture of your new phone case which is not only one of these leather ones that opens up a book that only old people have what are you doing there is it actual vinyl you are putting everything in one mask it's got a coin wallet with a zit oh my god no that goes you're fucked all your cards next to your face and she sent me this video of you showing it off that's it the strap we're which one thing that would have kept it safe jesse what's wrong with the strap on you love a strap on why take a strap off you like that you've told me you're always saying oh the strap on come on let's get the strap on safer that way No need to strap on, strap off.

38:07Yes, very good. Well, what a bumper crop of confessions, lads. The ham man is here. I don't know. When the ham man brings the ham. Bring me some ham. Oh, there's a plate. And maybe some pickles. Oh, look at this. Thank you so much. For the listener, my husband Peter has just arrived with a corner coat of ham. He's a good lad. What's the ham for? He's a fucking good one. He's a good guy. There were only three entrants this year. Have I missing a ham? No, no. Jessie didn't bring a ham. I didn't bring a ham. Sorry. Oh, lovely, Dan. You've done a very good job of making it. I'm straight in on that one.

38:41Look at that. Gorgeous. Looks like it was bought from an extremely ropey off-licence. Yeah, premier out of the road. Now, talk us through it, Peter. Let's label them. Which one's Ham A, Ham B and Ham C? Because you know, obviously, who bought which ham. Ham A is this one here closest to Steve, which has a slightly more sort of orangey... Yeah, it's lighter. So that's dark. What's name on it? And the other one has got a darker what's name. I genuinely don't know, looking at it, which one is mine. I don't know either. I know which one's mine. £2.70 from Premier. Yes, listeners. For the first year ever, Steve has entered the Ham Review arena.

39:20The ring. A new player enters the ring. Jessie has not entered Ham Review this year. What's your excuse, Jessie? I just couldn't be fucked. It's a menopause. I think menopause is hurting everyone. So we're going in with Ham A. I'm going Ham A. Okay. And you know, obviously, who's his which, right, Peter? I think I can remember who's his which. You'll know yourselves. This is a savoury bite. Oh, I like that one. Interesting. It's unique. It's different. It's got a fiery... It keeps on coming. A fiery spice. Like a canine pepper. A canine pepper. A canine pepper. I am. I know what you're saying.

39:58It's hit the throat now. Oh, there. That's almost too much. Oh, no, I like it. I need to take a new drink. I really like it. It's lovely. It's been... It's quite moist. Mm-hmm. Yes, in terms of the flesh, it's very nice. As is the ham. Why do you have to make things mucky?

40:20That's why we employ it. I know, I know. Because I can. Oh, my God, Lily choked on the ham. It was great. Can I move on to the beef? No, Ellie said so. Sorry. I'm sorry what language are you speaking to you're more demanding than me what yes okay yes please Hamby Hamby sorry now it's a darker hue Jambombe I'm getting quite a ketchup-y vibe that's going to be you just whack some ketchup on it again very moist and also the ham she's loads it no I mean, I'm preferring the first one Yeah There's a lot more depth than the first one Yes, yeah, I think that's been nicely cooked Brined Brined, yes, yes, yes Wait a minute, though Hang on Now, the third entry It's incredibly thinly sliced Almost like it's been sliced by a machine Waffer thin Almost, and it looks sort of Almost like it's a sort of composite of different meats Could be It's a beauty, really Let's give this a try I can't actually eat that.

41:31That has been warmed in my pocket. All right, I'm going to try it. Why not? Even the sight of this ham has turned Jesse vegetarian. Ham is ham. Once you've had those two, the third... There's a little lapse against your tongue. Yeah. I am going to go out on a limb, Stephen, and say that this ham C is a ham you bought from a shop and not even like a waitrose. No, I bought it from Premier on the way here. You bought it from the shop outside the station? Next to the vape shop. I tried to look some inspired, didn't I, didn't I? because they're woke. That ham is not going to be able to work tomorrow, quality ham.

42:05Yes. Shitting through the eye of a needle, that would be on your chart. Yeah. On your Bristol store. On your Bristol cup. Yeah. So, are we saying it's between ham A and ham B? I think we're going to eliminate C. It's very strong. C is gone, but I know my vote. I'm going to say A. I think that has an edge. I enjoyed A just for the gagging reflex. It's quite spicy, wasn't it? See, I didn't get the spiciness. The mustard's got unlucky. The mustard's got a big piece. You have a very mild palate. I've been called a lot of things.

42:42So. Fuck off. Chicken, down, frozen, pilo, rice. I'm also going to Hamay. Yeah. So what would you like to... Reveal. Reveal. I can reveal. The Hamay was prepared by Helen Thorne. No, it wasn't. How would you not know? No, it was Ellie. That was Ellie's ham. Are you sure? No, but fuck's sake. Is there any left? I thought that was mine only because it tastes of butter and mine's got butter in the glaze. That's all pig's ass. I think it's yours, Ellie. I think it's yours. Fuck's sake. For the first time ever, Stu's inquiry. I've got to go again. And also mine had chilli and paprika in it. Yes, that was yours.

43:24That was yours. I got the chilli. I just had like honey. The two fucking hams. How could you get this so wrong? It's not that ketchup. No, I just had like the honey and sugar. This is the winning ham. Yeah, that's Ellie's ham. Ellie wins. Apologies, viewers. Breaking news. It's ham. Ham review has been suspended. You join us live. Both competitors are claiming it. Ham C has fallen. I'm not claiming it at all. Ellie won. The flesh is better on yours. it's it's a softer glaze i'm going again fuck it stew's inquiry it's gone to sea the premier to beat just fucked it up that's what i like had a bit of chili in it this is this one butter that you can taste the butter in it yeah oh now what who who was this so uh this ham a or b perhaps we'll never know yes um so my i just got it off the instagram yeah uh oh i can't remember The Instagram.

44:20The Instagram. I'll put it in the show notes. But it is some bloke in America. Yeah, you do brine it in pineapple juice and honey and... Ooh. And you put garlic in it as well. And then you glaze it with a lot of butter and... I'm going to do this with Chris Macille. ...paprika and honey and soy sauce. Oh, that's your umami. This is the ham that won. Oh. No. Yes. Oh, for fuck's sake. No, it's the Aradale. I think that's B, I think. Yeah. Look, I think we could call it a draw. How about that? No, I think you won, darling. It's like when the boat race where they both sank in 78. No one knows what's going on.

45:04Look, let's call it Ham Review with a twist. We'll never know. Except we do. Yeah, we do know. I do think we genuinely both, because I often overcook the ham, it goes too dry, but I really took care this year. and I think we both succeeded in producing a succulent meat. Thank you. Yours is good too. Yeah, thank you. What a twist to end the podcast with. Yeah, we got to the bottom of that. For the first time ever, a mysterious draw. Just human error. Peter, one fucking job. AB, 50%. Anyway, the point is, that's the end. We all had some nice ham. It's not even Christmas. Oh, it's a beautiful time.

45:47And last minute, Hope Streams New Year's Resolutions for 2026. I want to hurt Les. Who's Les? You're homophobic. Just be healthy. That's what I meant. Less pain. Fewer aches. Yes, thank you, please. Thank you, please. I would like to feel less mental. So I'll do that. It's not started well, to be honest. You've got to have about 24 days to sort that out. Oh, no. I'm really hoping that HRT kicks in. Yeah, we all do. We're hanging in there. Come on, thoughts and prayers. Oh, God. Stephen. Ooh. I hope everything goes well for Helen.

46:41that's really nice that they're using your word for Helen you're welcome to it forget me just leave me behind go on save yourself spray yourself Jesse Jesse Jesse Jesse

47:02I will be looking forward to celebrating my half century And your new job? Yes. 50 years old. Yes, she's 50. Oh, wow. Not yet, but soon. Wow. That's going to be fun. Yeah. I... No. No. No, I haven't... I don't know if I should tell you this, but now I'm in it now. I've got to see. So when we went to Italy in the summer... Yeah. And you jumped in the lake and you got your terrible pain in your ear and we were very worried about you and we all went... Me and you and Pete went to the Lewisham. that Lewisham, we went to Italian A &E in the middle of the night. And I speak Italian and you don't. So I was trying to talk to the nurses and the doctors and then they took us in the little room.

47:48And I haven't told you this till now, but the doctor said to me in Italian, yes, this is your mother. Again! Again! Again! Again, for irregular listeners of the podcast, When I went to visit Helen in hospital in Moorfield years ago after an eye operation, the nurse thought I was, you were my mother. And then this Italian doctor thought you were my mother. And I had to say in Italian without laughing, no, no, no, I'm her friend. We are the same age. And then I had to not laugh at you because you were in pain and you were, you know, It wasn't a funny anecdote situation. But I can't believe you still not told me.

48:39I felt like it was not a time to hurt your feeling. And then the next day or the day after, I thought, oh, I should tell Jessie that funny story. And then I thought, no, no, no, I will save it. Shame. I will save it for six months until the Christmas podcast. Sat on that. To make you feel better, someone also thought Helen was my mum. yeah it's it's not you it's me i'm very young yeah very young do you mind that i've kept this story in my pocket until this no i think it's hilarious good you have held on to it i'm again i'm quite shocked you didn't give any reaction at the time i was very genuinely i was very worried about you and although i was laughing hysterically internally it wasn't it was not difficult to appear sad and concerned because i was also sad and concerned uh so it was it was that's a work of a genius if you can kind of kind of go yes i've got that for later yes yes that's good but again just to reiterate from together to start the podcast you have consented to be here your final appearance no well there we go everybody what a joy dear friends thank you for coming.

49:49Do we think you like goals for 2026? You haven't done yours, Ellie. I just keep looking like people's daughter. That's my... That's fucking Benjamin Button. Fuck you. No, I'd like to have a working knee, please. That would be mine. Yeah, two, please. That would be the dream. I want you to have less pain. And who knows what 2026 will bring before this more bullshit. At least we've got each other. Yeah, it's pretty good, eh? Friends. Try not to crash the van. Please don't. You know what I'm saying? I'd like no more fucking speeding tickets. Yes, that's... That fucking prick. If only that was within your control.

50:24That prick who put that camera on that dual carriageway in Cornwall. He's my prick of the year. How dare you try and regulate traffic speed. Yes. If I want to do 79 and 70, I'll do fucking 17. I don't know why not. It's just£100 and three points. Oh, whoops. Oh, dear. Lead foot. Lead foot. Just on the final note. Trying to get out of Cornwall. Final note I did learn. some more words this year. Great stuff. Oh, yes. New words. Cold face. Cold face. Cold face. No, it's at the cold face, isn't it? Yes, at the cold face. You've been calling it cold face all this time. That's a different... Can we ask what was the etymology?

51:02What was the thought process behind thinking it was cold face? How did you think the metaphor worked? Because, like, you know, like, you know, oh, you're right at the cold face, like you're right in the thick of it, you know. It doesn't know. No. Now I say it out loud. No. Never happened. There we go. Well, that was the 2025 Christmas podcast. Oh, a joy and a privilege to be back in the Christmas saddle. Thank you for coming guests. Thank you for having us, Ellie. Thank you for having us. Thank you for hamming us. Until next time. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. See you. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Oh, Stephen, you haven't done one.

51:46Just told you you'd tick. Lied to the school and kidnapped my child. Oh, my God. And gave me one of the female road trip. It's not working yet. Three minutes ago. The identity doesn't work. It doesn't magically make... And I'm opening my presents now. Happy 2023. Oh, God. What are you spraying on yourself? Oh, my God. Have you done any further studies? Help. Jesus Oh shit The bed What's wrong with my brain Oh babe