328: Fay Reid on the menopause, not having kids, and getting strong

0:03Hello scumbags, this is the Scummy Mummies Podcast. with your hosts, Ellie Gibson and Helen Thorne.

0:16Hello and welcome to the Scummy Mummies podcast. It's me, Helen Thorne. And it's me, Ellie Gibson. Ellie, I'm so excited. Me too. Oh, it's like a new year, a new fresh start. You know, I'm looking forward to so many things, but do you know what I'm looking forward to the most? Is it our new guest, Helen? It is our new guest. It's the wonderful Bayreene. Hello. Hi, girls. Well, hey. How are you? We are so genuinely excited to have you here, Faye, because we love you. And also we've been trying to do this for about three weeks, haven't we? But colds have got in the way. Oh, it's a bumpy start to 2026, but we're looking positive.

0:47We're looking forward to what's ahead of us, aren't we? We are very much looking forward. First of all, thanks for having me. I've admired you girls from afar and up close for a very long time, as you know. So, and I think it's an interesting twist to have me on, considering your podcast is called Scummy Mummies and I Have No Kids. We like to get different perspectives and also we like to imagine how different our lives might have been if instead of spending our time arguing about screen time and cooking chicken nuggets, we just, you know, sat around spending our disposable income and going on holiday in term time.

1:22It's a window into another world, Faye. Okay, why don't you introduce yourself to the listener? Well, first and foremost, I'm Faye Reid, a born and bred Londoner, East Londoner. um and i suppose how you know me well actually we know i know you both through mutual friends but how people outside of that might know me is through nine to five menopause a little um instagram account i started when i first um had my hot flush and actually i had i went for about a year having loads of symptoms and stuff and then i looked around when i was like I cannot be the only one who has a job and has to navigate the menopause and I was like why is no one talking about this and I was very also intrigued the fact that no there were white women talking about it to be fair mainly in the US and a few one or two celebrities in the UK but I was like I'm black black women go through this as well what's occurring what is happening So yeah, 9 to 5 menopause was born after hearing Dolly Parton on the radio.

2:34It's her birthday today. Is it Dolly Parton's birthday? Happy birthday, Dolly Parton. You're 80 today. Happy birthday, Dolly. My mum loved you. And you're named after my menopause. So that's quite good. Oh, 9 to 5. Working 9 to 5. Yeah. That's all coming together. What a birthday present for Dolly. I'll tag her when this is posted. Yes. We'll tag her. We'll appreciate that. Yes. Quick Dolly aside. Let's go off on a tangent. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For my 30th birthday, my dear friend Jonathan actually wrote to Dolly Parton, Faye, and said, it's my friend Ellie's birthday. Is there any chance I could get a signed, you know, get your autograph?

3:12I've enclosed a stamped addressed envelope. Because obviously Dolly, you know, she can't be going out and getting a second class stamp. And Dolly didn't write back because, you know, she's very busy. She's got stuff on. She's got stuff to do. So John wrote to her again and said, Dear Dolly, I know you must be very busy, but blah, blah, blah. And Dolly didn't write back. So John was like, I'll try again. And he wrote, Dear Dolly, I understand you're a huge, you know, megastar and you're very busy, but you must understand how much you mean to Ellie since she lost the use of her legs in that terrible accident.

3:44And do you know what? Dolly didn't write back. And who could blame her, Helen? Who could blame her? I think she saw right for him. Yeah, yeah. And look at me now with my dodgy knee. It's karma. I've reaped what Jonathan sowed. He's a terrible person. Jonathan, you're meant to be her mate. Mustn't lie about your friends being an accident. Anyway, that's my dodgy. So when did you start 9 to 5 menopause? Oh, when did I start it? A couple of years before the pandemic, wasn't it? Yeah, it was before the pandemic. And I actually did my first post on World Menopause Day. Ah, and when is that? October the 18th.

4:22Come on, Helen. Come on, damn it. It's an odd. You have won those. October the 17th, you hang your stocking up for World Menopause Day. Yes. You guys should have it in your calendar. Do you talk about these things? Oh, my God. Well, this year, I'll correct that. Let's have a party. Oh, yeah. See if Santa Paws will come and fill your stocking with estrogen. And collagen. And little hand fans. Little hand fans. And drugs. Yes, yes. And drugs. And testosterone. So you were perimenopausal, presumably, when you started. Yes. So actually, I was age 45 and my previous life, I was an EA to C-suite. So you're talking CFOs, CEOs and like a person.

5:05That's a lot of letters, but you're going to have to write that down. Basically to big chiefs in companies. And I just started, it was my first week in a brand new job supporting the CEO of a well-known snack company. and I was sat there and we were just about to move offices so they kind of wedged a little desk in the corner for me somewhere and I was sat with all the IT guys I was the only woman on that floor and I felt a wash of heat and I was like okay did no one else feel that was that just me yeah it was just me and it happened a few more times and I was like I've just had a hot flush yeah and I and I actually laughed.

5:50Again, I was laughed. I was like... The steam was rising above your head. I was like, I'm 45. I'm smoking, I'm drinking, I'm doing things I shouldn't be doing. How have I just had a hot flush? Right. So it was a bit of a shock to the system and I just kind of went, actually went to Whole Foods. I know that sounds very bougie, but I was based out in Richmond and there was another... It's like their Tesco's. Yeah. Yeah. It's like their Tesco's, basically. And I spoke to a lady there and I just said, hey, I think I'm starting the menopause. um what can you suggest in terms of like vitamins and supplements and stuff poor girl she was very young and she just looked at me she just was like one second then she went to the book looked at all of this and then gave me some magnesium which to this day I still take um and I was actually fine but then certain things started to happen like one um my job got super stressful super busy because they were going to sell the business and two my mum was diagnosed with cancer for the second time and I started to spin out a little bit and I actually fun fact started to see a counsellor before anything else because I was really spiraling super close to my mum super super close she had me when she was very young and the fact fault of losing my mum sent me to a really dark place so I started to see a counsellor it was my counsellor that said why don't you go to your doctor and tell them how you're feeling and and what's really really sad is I went to my GP cried for a few minutes where she just patted my leg and just went it's okay when you're ready and she clocked it straight away she went yeah sounds like perimenopause which I had no idea what that word was um let's erase some blood tests but here's some help in the meantime and gave me HRT and the sad fact is I was one of the lucky ones because so many women do go to their doctors and they're either poo-pooed, given antidepressants or just diagnosed wrong.

7:53And it's like, how did I get so lucky that I had... It's the roll of the dice, isn't it? Yeah, but it's sad. It's sad. So yeah, that and then from there is where I kind of knew I wanted to do something around the menopause because I was like, I had a long commute, central London, all the way to Richmond, five days a week was not fun so I was like I need to do something I'm like because I know I cannot be the only one and then hence nine to five menopause was born yeah and like you say there weren't certainly at that time as many black women know about it why do you think that is I think there's a stigma and I think going through the menopause or going through this journey I've learned a lot about myself a lot about my culture and a lot about me as a black woman and over the years like many black women having to put up with loads of microaggression loads of racism and stuff and I think black women on a whole just took it and never spoke about it there's a definite taboo in certain communities in Asian communities black communities where they just don't talk about it and I'm like it's happening like and we're and I like to think we're a different generation to what our parents were or our grandparents.

9:10But there was definitely a stigma where women just didn't talk about it and they just got on with it. And I was like, hell to the no. Just, I want some help. I'm struggling here. So, yeah. Yeah. And what sort of response did you get? It was brilliant. Because prior to starting 9to5menopause, I've always been quite a shy, insecure person. My friends know me and I can be leery with them. but outwardly I am quite sure I'm very very insecure are you because you and I are quite new friends but I'm quite surprised to learn that yeah you're a big gobshite like we get on but you know what's really funny because I've always been riddled with insecurities and it took me a good six months and I talked it through with my counsellor about putting that first post up and I was bricking myself I think because I just had this image just like oh people are going to troll me people are not going to be interested all this stuff but it was just so refreshing for people to step forward and go oh my god thank you so much for posting this and it just had a good reception from the word go and there's a couple of things a couple of people that stick in my mind and there was one particular lady she contacted me and she just said I'm really struggling can we have a chat and I was like yeah fine so we went I arranged a zoom call with her and stuff and I remember it was a Saturday and it was a black lady and she said to me she goes she was even younger than me starting it I think she was in her 30s and her peers didn't understand it and she really really really struggled with it and then she said one day one of her friends called her and she said I was on the bus and her friend said I've seen this black woman on Facebook she's talking about menopause here's her details you need to contact her you need to contact her and she contacted me and I think it was just helping her to feel connected like oh my god I'm not going through this alone and just having someone to listen to and to talk to and just realize it's actually quite normal it's normal and I just think for our like for your kids and you've got boys but still definitely for your kids and stuff like it won't be such a taboo subject and where women are talking more and more freely about their periods their lunar phase and all this stuff like it's the same with the menopause it's nothing to be ashamed of and I think I'm pleased that I'm playing a part in helping women realize it's not the end of the world and I always said from the beginning when I was when I started this is one I feel like I'm giving back I don't know what I'm giving back to but I feel like I'm giving something back and two I just want to be authentic because there's so much bullshit out there around various different topics I just want to keep it real yeah like not like oh hi look at me I'm selling the menopause no you're fucking not selling the menopause I feel like shit or I'm having a rough day or I haven't slept or these are things that have happened to me and I just yeah I kind of really wanted to keep that yeah and I think that's what people need because it can feel very isolating and also because you know I know from my experience of going into pyraminophores that everything doesn't nothing's familiar like you feel like you're something's really wrong with you psychologically and physically and it's that thing of like I don't feel myself anymore and oh surely I just do this this and this and and you feel like you're letting yourself down or your friends down you know like everything just feels a mess yeah and you kind of go but i but i'm i i've got to get on top of my job like we're in the middle of this time where we're either looking after elderly parents or we're looking after children teenagers or we're in the middle of our career like this is not when i need my menopause i don't need to be batshit crazy i got a lot on i don't have time for this shit yeah i was happy when i was just a bit crazy I'm really fucking crazy and I need some sleep and I don't want to sweat.

13:19It's so true. It's so true. Do you know, I'd love to know the statistics, the women that are going on perimenopausal and they've got teenage boy or they've got teenage daughter, the hormones are flying in both directions and it's hell. It's absolutely hell for them. I think it was Kate Harper. She's quite renowned, doing stuff around the menopause. And I think she said there was one time she was at home and she's got, she had teenage children. And one of them might've said, what's for dinner? She lost it and started throwing plates all over the place. And they were like, yes, what the fuck? Yeah.

13:57What the fuck? Shit. Mum's term Greek. What's going on? So, but like, for me personally, it was a big men. I think my biggest thing was one insomnia. And I always likened it to the fact that that's what they do to prisons of war. keep them awake keep them awake to torture them yeah yeah try not sleeping then getting up at traveling to richmond for 9am and my head was just gone brain fog was a big thing for me yeah sitting meetings with my boss taking loads of notes come out and i'm like so you know that meeting you wanted with so and so and he'd look at me just to say what the hell are you with me literally just talked about that so it's and it's really hard and there's women i've heard like ceos and the stock exchange and stuff like they're losing their minds yeah because they have this big persona and a big business women and they're like okay i feel like i'm gonna have a hot flush or i've forgotten what i was just about to say and yeah it's tough so then you're what seven eight years into your i don't want to say menopause journey but i've said it they have use the word journey over 10 years into my menopause journey and I think it's been a weird one because my menopause was really tough there were so many different factors mixed up into it and as you both know I don't have children and it's something I very much wanted and it's funny like when I first started going to my doctor and she prescribed HRT and we were trying to find the right one and she kept saying to me she goes if you're having sex please can you use contraception and I didn't pick up on what she was saying because at that stage in your life when you first start going through it if you're in your 30s mid 40s or whatever you're still ovulating and you're still shedding eggs and this is where you know back in the day Irish women used to have pregnancies later on in life 49 50 and stuff it's because they didn't deal with contraception or anything and they were still shedding their eggs even i'm sure i heard once that your body almost has a sort of last go yeah it's a bit of a yes yeah it does a little right come on then let's chuck all the eggs at the wall see if anything sticks one last party yeah let's drink all the wine here's a funny story while i was kind of going through it i was kind of seeing this guy on and off and it was all very very casual and whatever and then there was one night we went out for drinks and stuff and i got really drunk and i um just banged on about i'd really love to have a child i'd really love to have a baby i must have spoken about for about two hours and then i tried to get him back to my flat and he wouldn't come he's like no and i didn't know why and then in the morning i woke up and i was like oh shit it's no that the shop is closed the shop is closed it's retracted into my it's a lovely offer i couldn't for the last one i'm just thinking why do you not want to come back so well do you think that was your sort of unconscious mind as well sort of going right here we go let's yes because i think two things one i stopped taking the pill in my early 20s because i one I wasn't having that much sex at the time so I was like fuck it I'm gonna stop taking it but I as I got into my late 20s 30s I was very much aware of my body I um marked down my periods I knew I could feel my body ovulating when my egg was releasing and everything and also fun fact they always the myth oh your periods are stopped or your periods are erratic you go for the perimenopause I had a proper period on clockwork, ovulating, everything for the first five years of my perimenopause so it was all it was all fine it was all going and stuff so I think my body was just still craving oh maybe I might have a child but and I really respect you for for being really honest about the fact that maybe there is grief there about the fact you haven't got children I I wonder if there's, because I think that's also something you don't hear very much.

18:22I wonder if there is pressure on women who don't have kids to subscribe to outwardly sort of, and that's fine and I've made peace with it and I'm happy with my life. And I'm sure for many women that's 100 % true. And I think maybe it can also be true that for some women as well, there is a sense of loss or grief there. Is that how you would describe it? I would definitely describe it like that. In fact, I think for me, it was really bad because, and I think I've said to somebody once, like, my 40s were a total shit show. It was a total shit show because late 30s, I tried to have a child. I went through IVF, tried to do it all on my own and stuff.

19:03And that didn't work out. Then I went into one of the worst depressions ever. and I had counselling for about three to four years to deal with the fact that I wasn't getting pregnant I didn't get pregnant I didn't have a baby and stuff and it was really really hard for me coupled with the fact of course all your peers are dropping babies like anything and you're like and I questioned who I was as a woman I questioned like but what am I if I can't have a child am I a woman and that was really hard and then I sort of dealt with that in my early 40s coming out of that and then my mum got cancer for the first time then I was like okay deal with that then she had treatment went into remission and stuff and I'm thinking right okay I'm gonna get my life back together again oh no you don't cancer's come back and I'm like oh great yeah just keep chucking it at me oh my god it's just yeah it was a lot and if you say have I grieved I think it's something I will never, ever get over.

20:13I've learned to accept it. I've learned to... Because it still hurts. Sometimes I just think... Because I've always wanted a little boy. Yeah. I always dreamed I'd have a little boy, stuff like that. And I get comfort from my friend's kid. But yeah, it'll never leave me. it'll never leave me because I think about things like what happens when I get older and I and I joke about it like my oldest best friend lives in Brighton and her son is 21 and her daughter's like 15 14 15 and every time I see them they're like my god children I go down and I bring gifts and all the rest of it and um and sonny always goes the 21 no 20 year old he He always goes, thanks, Aunty Faye.

21:02And I went, I'm investing in my future. You fuckers are coming to see me in the old nursing home. Don't think I'm doing this for love. I'm investing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got no kids. You bring your biscuits. Yeah. You better turn up prepared to play some Scrabble. Let me tell you. And he's quite funny. He goes, don't worry, Aunty Faye. We'll break you out. We'll take you out in the wheelchair. And that I joke about. But I do think about things like that. And you don't have kids so they can look after you because nobody knows what's going to happen. Speak for yourself, but yeah. but it's when I was going through the fertility treatment and I had to pay for it privately and stuff because you couldn't get it on the NHS then and you and there was all these different forums and women and men like couples and stuff were in so much debt because the urge to reproduce and have a child was so strong it was just all consuming like they put their houses up for mortgage to get the money for fertility treatment it's it's huge and it's an area that is not really spoken about that much elizabeth day has touched upon it because she wanted children and she yeah didn't manage it and i listened to a podcast with her and dawn french because dawn french adopted in the end and it was quite interesting and she goes then you it's like watching your friends or like if you're out and someone goes oh how many kids have you got then i'm like got oh don't you want kids and i'm like you don't know still say that yeah i had better manners i mean like you don't know anything about me i could be barren do you know what i mean like come on and it's not until i think you know you and i've as we've talked we've talked about it and you know i think i can just be in my own bubble sometimes and go oh yeah i've got kids and because of that i've made friends with other kids but you know you know when you you you've just got the blankers on yeah but you do because that's your world yeah and i know for you you wouldn't do it unintentionally or on a malicious streak and fun fact for me one of the reasons well i've come off facebook and in terms of interacting on it it went for a face where i I can't fucking be on this platform because it was just full of smug mums, smug marids and smug mums.

23:26Oh, Sebastian had his first tabouleh today and I'm like, fuck off. Tabouleh, he wants to see a doctor about that. Do you know what I mean? It's catching. He couldn't be immunised. But I think it's really important we talk about that because I think there's just, as you said, if a woman doesn't have a child, then it's her yeah her choice that's her choice or that that she's happy about that you know what i mean like you know and i think i think that's right and i i'm so glad you're talking about on this podcast because i'm sure there's lots of people who have like myself been in this bubble of like well i had kids and then i made friends because my you know friends were in that bubble of you know the same primary school and all that stuff so i haven't been that up close to that window looking into that experience and I feel better um that you or you know I feel richer because you've been able to yeah tell me that because I'm like you know of course of course it is hard and I think when I was going through it and for me it was a lot of pain it was a lot of pain and I know my friends struggled to understand or just wanted me and I don't and And I know it wasn't malicious, but they wanted me to put my pain aside so I could support them in such a monumental moment for them.

24:48But honestly, the pain was just tearing me apart. It literally was. The amount of times I cried and just, yeah, I just questioned everything about me as a person, as a woman. Because, yeah, I'm the oldest of four kids. lots of responsibility um when I was younger with my um siblings and I think overall I'm just a very maternal person that is just who I am yeah I like to give I like to love on people and yeah and also I just assumed and this is a big thing for women in general I just assumed I'd have a child what do you mean because I'm going to get pregnant because I'm going to have a child and stuff later in life but I think for a lot of women once they start and decide all right um let's have a child and it doesn't happen straight away you're like oh shit this is a big thing it's a big thing that no one tells you about people just go ah we got married oh yeah we decided we wanted to have a child and you try for straight you get it get it straight away or it's six months down the line but no one talks about actually because when i started to look into it getting pregnant it's a miracle because it is literally the biggest shot in the dark yeah it literally is and the fact that women fall pregnant i'm like how did these women fall pregnant so easy because it's a miracle in itself yes so yeah that actually sticks yeah and i mean i want to be careful with my language because it sounds to me like what you're saying is it's not it's not about getting over it right it's not something you just get over and you don't care about that anymore but it sounds like you have found a way to accept it and live with it is that right yeah what what's helped you get I'm thinking of someone listening to this now who's maybe where you were during those dark times what kind of helped you get through it was it just time or or what was it I think it's time I think it's being kind to yourself.

26:51I'm a big believer in therapy as well, because for a lot of women, they might find it struggle to talk to somebody or struggle to offload and get the help. I'm a big believer in that. So I invested that in myself. And it was really hard. And it's an acceptance. it's an acceptance like okay I haven't got children and I don't even say okay I haven't got children it's just something internally that I've accepted for myself but I think it's helped like our mutual friend Victoria she her from day dot she pulled me in to be a part of her kid's life um I was the first person aside from her husband who saw her daughter in the hospital she was just like I've had that and so I was up there like a shot like and it was lovely and she brought me in and she'd go oh we're going for a walk do you want to come and stuff and I think that helped because I think on the flip side some women might not know what to say or what to do but I think because she pulled me in it helped yeah and when her baby was really really really small still tiny and they went out and stuff she goes oh can you babysit for me and I think it helped me build that connection with that child so there was a little bit of comfort there um I always remember that one of the first times they went out and this is when they lived in Stoke Newington and Bea literally was just a baby and they'd went out and she started to cry it oh and boy did she start to cry and she was screaming screaming I had her and I was walking her up and down up and down and then all of a sudden she just pulled back from me looked me dead in the eye and it was like oh those fuckers are not coming back anytime soon are they?

28:44Okay cool it's me and you it's your son Hey mum you're right I've wasted both my time less and then she was fine absolutely fine and I got that relationship with her now what she's coming up for 16 this year and yeah we as you know we go out we'd go shopping and we'd go for lunch and stuff and that's just built up over the years and that feeds my soul yeah for that you know I mean that's helped to feed my soul in terms of not having children and after spending time with them when I walk away there is still like a hole inside me because I'm like it wanted to be filled and it wasn't but I do get comfort from my friends kids I do and I think that's really good to know actually because I think sometimes my default assumption is that people who don't have kids kind of for whatever reason um probably maybe don't want to deal with my bullshit because because I as as someone who does have kids I am you know I've in my life frequently been irritated by other people's children yeah and I remember before I had kids my attitude to kids yeah was different when it comes to people with children i can't bear the smugness and thinking because you've got a child your life trumps mine right yeah as in being in the workplace being in the corporate workplace in the office we're all equal yeah we can both i think we can both coexist in the world it is really difficult if your kid is sick or whatever and you have to go but also if you don't have kids and you're sick or your mum is sick yeah that's also exactly that you say it's not like one should trump the other no I personally would like a better work life balance for everybody where we can say regardless of whether or not you have children I've got some shit I need to deal with maybe all at some point in our lives got shit to deal with whether it is a child or grief or a sick or whatever or whatever the fuck it is yeah why are we always expecting someone whether it's a mum or someone who doesn't have kids to pick up the slack for the other one why can't we just go maybe the fucking email can wait till tomorrow yeah is the world gonna end no no if we had a more affordable childcare if more you know if everything workplace was just better for women and not we're trying to is it Sweden where they give really good oh Scandinavia as a whole and his face was like I know it's the promise flag it's the promise flag socialist paradise oh thank you Denmark yes well providing no one invades it yeah keep your hands off Greenland It may soon be a fascist dystopia, but currently it's a socialist paradise.

31:26So, what's that? That's so nice. Let's all move there, probably. Yes, that's what I'm saying. Currently, yes. Maybe in the future, no. In Sweden, Mark, the women get paid£5 ,000 a day to have a baby, and so do the people who don't have babies, just because it's fair. Yeah, because it's fair. I've often wanted to do a podcast where we just make up things about Scandinavia. Yes, I think so. I think we need to do that. Every morning, the postman pushes£10 for everyone's lesser. It's a box. Spend it on what you like. Yes. And here's an extra voucher for Botox. That's right. Yes. And a packet of bacon.

32:02Yes. And some Lego. Very nice Danish. Sorry, I didn't know. I just went to a happy place all of a sudden there. Sweden. Yeah. No, I think women are deciding, more and more women are deciding not to have children. And I think that's brilliant. If you know yourself and you don't want children, you shouldn't have to have them. I wanted them and I wasn't blessed with them but I've had to I don't know shape my life in other ways and I think the menopause my menopause stuff has helped me deal with that because I am a different version of myself than I was 10 years ago I am completely different I think the menopause has given me a certain confidence and belief in myself that's it it's the belief in myself that I can achieve things that I never thought I could achieve before because I think feeling insecure then not being able to conceive and have a child I question my whole being but the menopause has shown me like oh I can do this yeah or I can step out my comfort zone and do something else and it's the realization that we all have that ability in whichever form or way we want to look at it We all have an ability to do something else for ourselves and to step out of the norm.

33:21I want things for myself that I never had pre-10 years ago. Things that I could have achieved or I could have done. Things that I've always had a germ of an idea and never acted on it because my own insecurities held me back. and now I feel like it's my second coming. Does that sound weird? Yeah, it's like your second act. There's this sort of... Yeah. It's like my second act. And my friends kind of laugh at me or just go, for God's sake. But I'm like, I want to get married. I want to be married. And like some of my friends who are not married and been in long-term relations, they're like, really?

34:04And I went, oh, I want the ring. I want the dress. I want the whole shebang. I want to get married. and I'm like and I've never I've wanted it but never really voiced it like that before because I don't know again I wonder if there's a funny reverse stigma now where I wonder if there's a new taboo around saying actually I do want to be in a relationship I do want to be yeah or whatever it is and I don't want to shy away from that because I think for me definitely growing up I've never actually I've never said this before but when I was in my 20s going out having a good time shacking people all left right well not not left right center for shacking people and no tories absolutely no just in the center not even liberal democrats just left just left just left yes um so i always had a vision of just being a mum the white picket fence husband 2.5 kids yeah that was that was imprinted in my brain and that was going to happen so that not happening and having to go through shit where I've had to find myself except who I am because I'm not perfect do you know what I mean like I don't think any of us are perfect and there's times I screw up there's times I upset people but there's an acceptance of myself and wanting to be authentic and I want to have fun and I want to enjoy myself and yeah um I do want to ask you about um strength training because I I know you and I have spoken about that.

35:34And Faye and I were on a panel a couple of months ago talking about how lifting heavy weights changed our lives and how it gave us confidence after we both went through really shitty things. Tough periods. Where, you know, I thought I was going to be married for the rest of my life. I thought I was married to a guy turned out he wasn't that guy and all those things. So I think, you know, going to the gym and getting all that strength changed who I was. A hundred percent. And I think when I say I was that insecure, very sensitive person pre-10 years ago, exercise massively saved me. Found a studio.

36:14Well, actually, I kept going past on the bus, kept seeing people walk out this place in their gym stuff. And it looked like they were having fun. But also, I saw people that looked like me in terms of colour, in terms of size, who maybe looked a little bit older and stuff. It wasn't your stereotypical ponytail, eyeliner and all that shit. Gym shut. Gym. Gym shut, crop top. Yeah, yeah. It wasn't that. When I walked into that studio, it's called the Foundry, and I went up to the front desk and I was thinking, I was sweating. I was so nervous. So nervous. And I went, oh, I want to find out about joining the gym.

36:51And they were so nice behind the desk. Something just clicked. I did my first ever class and my body went into shock. Wow. went into shock. I did it at lunchtime, I think. And by 4 or 5pm that day, I was in bed. I was like, what the fuck have I done? My body was like, this is not good. Yeah, this is not good. But then I think the endorphins kicked in. I was like, Oh, I'm going back. Yeah, I'm going back. And it saved my life. There was one point where I lifted really heavy, heavy weights. We're talking over 100 kg. and I did it and then I walked off into a corner of the gym and I just burst into tears because I was like, fuck, I did that.

37:39It was monumental to me and then my coach came home and he went, you're alright? And I went, I can't believe I just did that. And he was like, it's okay. You know when men don't know what to do and he did that gentle pat on the shoulder. Yeah. It's okay. now get back over there do 101 go on but it amazing it gave me that feeling of such accomplishment and achievement yeah and it was amazing so for any one out there who wants to get their purpose back their sense of being back find something that works for you like women have taken up skateboarding in their 60s what the hell yeah yeah it's a step too far yeah i think it's a step too far parkour yeah what is it called parkour parkour anything that might involve some sort of broken limb i'm not really in for but yes but find what works for you have you got any other final thoughts fate any other um tips or things you've learned along your menopause journey that maybe you wish you'd known at the beginning or listen to your body you know your body don't be put off by people or medical professionals if you're not happy with something and also be kind to yourself what is it they say give yourself grace you're a human being you're not perfect you might mess up you might start something cannot finish it that is fine you're answerable to yourself you're not answerable to anybody else so don't let other people's Thoughts and opinions weigh you down.

39:17But also, my last one here, also I would say get the help. So many people are just accepting like, well, life's a bit shit. Yeah, it is shit. And you can wallow in it for a day, a week or whatever. Then get the help and do something about it. Life's too short. My mum passed away at 65. 65. I'm not far off that number. Yeah. Life is too short to just be miserable. do something about it oh i love that anyway i must be going everyone i'm about to go lift 100 kilograms and start skateboarding yes yes good yes but first scummy mummy confessions oh yes i love this i'll go first so uh my scummy mummy confession is um i went on holiday at christmas to the canary islands to meet the family my partner's beautiful brother hired a minivan so we all went up into the mountains in Gran Canaria, a winding, winding, winding, winding road.

40:16Shall I mention altitude? Because I'm polite, I sat in the backpack because the aunties were there and then, you know, the sister-in-laws and everything. So I was in the back with the kids. I'm a bit travel sicky and the kid's like, mum, mum, mum. And I was just like, shh, shh, shh. You know when you start getting like that. You feel it. Yeah, you know, the water in your mouth. And Albo looked behind and he's like, baby, you okay? I was like, like, shook my head. And we were on, like, these narrow roads right up in the mountains. And, like, there was fog everywhere. And our road was, like, you know, something in Spanish.

40:50And so the brother, like, parked right on the side of, like, the, you know. And I had to, like, you know, get out over the aunties and then just did the biggest purple spew out my mouth and my nose. Oh, babe. The smell. Oh, my God. because I'd eaten, I'd like had like a purple smoothie that day and then like a pink drink. I'd had a lot of pink food. And so in front of his whole family, I was just like, and the kids are in the back. And yeah, laughing. But apparently now I'm known as the purple dragon. Oh, but I hadn't drunk any alcohol. I was trying to be good. And they're all like, they're there.

41:31I know, and his beautiful sister-in-law got out and she was like patting me on the back of the nebula. I know. You were mortified, weren't you? Yeah, absolutely. What an impression. They were just like, ah, the English culture. Just, that's what they all do on a Saturday night. We've all seen the documentaries. We've all been to Ibiza. That's English people in a nutshell. So scum. I've seen by the side of a road. Yeah. Oh, I'm so sorry. Beauty on my shoes. Anyway, never mind. I'm going to share, it's sort of a confession. The confession is that we nearly, we nearly fell down a rabbit hole. So last week, Faye, we went to Rotherham and we were setting up the thing.

42:13And Helen was like, hey, we've had an email from Rob Lowe. And I was like, the actor, the Hollywood actor. Yes, the very one. The very one, Rob Lowe. And I was like, I've seen Elmo's fire. Yes. So I look at my phone and sure enough, there's this email from, it's not actually Rob Lowe. it's this guy called Nathan Cole who says, I book people on Rob Lowe's podcast, which is called Literally. Rob is a big fan of your work and he likes, you know, how honest you are about parenting. Like it was quite in-depth, very flattering. At the bottom of the email, there's a picture of Rob, the actor, Rob Lowe.

42:47Because I was confused as well because when I was a video games journalist, the head of Nintendo UK marketing was also called Rob Lowe. And very confusing. And you thought this is a wind-up. And I thought, well, I thought, has that Rob Lowe now got a podcast? But then I Googled it and sure enough, Rob Lowe, the actor, has this podcast called Literally. So we're in the middle of setting up. So I dashed off for a reply saying, oh, like, yeah, thanks for your interest. Yes, like happy to hear more about it or something. And then he came back and there was more flattery and there was more talk of money.

43:18And Rob Lowe is going to pay you to come on his podcast. And which of these times, EST, can you do? And it just read a bit like a fucking robot. Yes. Robot Lowe had written it. So I looked at it again. I was like, okay. And apparently this is a whole scam that I didn't know existed. That people pretend to be celebrities asking on their podcast. And then they send you a Zoom link or a payment link. And you click on it. And of course, there's a virus in it. Oh, my God. Yeah. Oh, did you look at the email address? That was the other thing. Yes, it was a Gmail. It was a Gmail address. Yeah. And I can't believe I didn't spot it in the first place.

43:55But anyway, so I thought, let's see how deep the rabbit hole goes. so I wrote back hi Nathan thanks for the reply can we find out a bit more about why Rob Lowe wants us on his show which of our episodes is his favourite does he enjoy our Christmas specials and does he prefer the ham review or Linda chat sections is he okay with jokes about vaginas and anecdotes about incontinence because as Rob Lowe may know this is about 80 % of our output thanks very much I love it I love it so I sent that back to Nathan Cole and he wrote back hi Ellie thank you so much for your thoughtful questions chat gpt we really appreciate your enthusiasm and curiosity shut up it's like i've literally emojied to ask if rob lowe likes fad joke rob has been following your work for some time has he has he has he really and admires how you blend humor honesty and relatability in your content the idea of rob lowe sitting in his beverly hills and penthouse mansion just listening to me and you talk about fucking thrush i would love it and then he's like hey this helps moving forward let's stocking so i'm like okay right where where this is obviously bullshit right so then i wrote back hi nathan thank you that's good to know just to clarify is this rob low the hollywood actor star ofst elmo's fire and super troopers 2 or rob low who i knew when i was a game journalist and he was head of marketing at nintendo please could you send us a picture of rob low whichever one it is holding up a drawing he has done of myself and helen to verify his identity love it once we have this we'll be happy to move forward now sadly he didn't come back that's where it ends fate uh we have not received a picture which i was i really thought surely he can knock that up in chat gpt yeah yes yes um i'm tempted to chase it up can i just ask final question have you actually googled rob lowe's agent's name yes i googled nathan cole and like nothing's come up no he's good he's not this is it she has listened to hundreds of um crime podcasts she's done this It's coming in.

45:55The ship has come in. I could do a murder and get away with it. She knows. Something for you both to think about later. Oh, I haven't stopped thinking about it. Yeah. I've always liked you, Ellie. Always liked you. Well, hey, if you are listening, Rob Lowe, we will come on your podcast, Rob Lowe, but we are going to need a full body dick pic. How about that? Okay. Rob Lowe. Was it my turn? Yes. As someone said on my Twitch, Rob Foe. Good. That's a good one. Very good. Yeah, they're better than me. Faye, what's your confession? So our mutual friend Victoria has two children. And this was when they were both very, very little.

46:30One was baby, one was a toddler. So I was around the house and having a cup of tea or whatever. Her daughter was sat on my lap and the baby was playing on the floor or doing something. And I was like, what's that smell? I went, Victoria, I think his nappy might need changing. She said, no, I've just changed him. And then kind of left it. And I went, are you sure? It really stinks of poo. And she had a little look. She went, no, it's fine. It's clean. So more time went by. And then I said to her daughter, oh, you need to get up. I need to go. I was going to do something. Anyway, she got up and I found where the poo was coming from.

47:13Oh, mate. Was it full all over the lap? It was full all over the lap. In the dead of winter. Oof, oof, oof. I was wearing black tights. which had to come off no no they're done they're not going back like someone had tipped a chicken korma into your lap a full katsu curry I knew I could smell poo see oh my goodness and it was at that moment where I went yeah glad I ain't got kids Faye's Heisenlund Heisenlund baby oh my goodness it's been such a joy to talk to you Faye thank you for coming on the podcast thank you so much and where can people find you Faye? Instagram I am 9to5menopause and you can find my website which is just Faye F-A-Y R-E-I-D dot com FayeRead.com awesome and we'll put Ellie will put that in the show notes sorry Ellie likes to say we'll put that in the show notes as if she's ever written a set of show notes in 327 episodes I love it so I'll put that in the show notes thank you Ellie Thank you Ellie.

48:24Thank you for having me guys. Can I just do a little plug? So the book I wrote is coming out on the 2nd of April and Faye's story is in there. Yes I am in her book. Yeah you're wonderful. Look forward to it. Yeah thank you. So what's your book called Helen? It's called How to Face Big Change and Come Back Stronger and you speak very beautifully about what we've talked about in the podcast as well but as well as all the things you've learned and just your wisdom. Well, I think, ladies, gentlemen, life is for having fun. We don't know how long we're going to be here. We all have challenges. Just make the most of it.

49:02Yes. And that's what I'm going to say when I go on Rob Lowe's podcast. Rob Lowe or Rob Foe? Have you just manifested it? Might it come true? I mean, you could be right. All that stuff could be total bullshit. So it's hard to know isn't it yeah it's just so hard to know i tell you what if you are listening roblo why don't you get in your private jet fly to england and come and see us on tour oh yes we're going to some great places ellie so on the day this comes out we'll be uh in or on our way to annick yes yes and then we're going to hexham and darlington and then off we go to lovely northampton and siren sester and then hot foot it to hartford for three whole nights ellie can't wait and then scotland yes mate edinburgh glasgow aberdeen and then manchester which yes please and benenden and hen oh also we've got a couple of nights in cambridge couple of nights in newbury but do as always check scummy mummies.com yes so there we go oh faye thanks again it's been delightful thank you yes i'd have you on every episode i feel like i've found a new friend to Ellie.

50:12Oh, me too. Me too. Helen's alright. In with the new, out with the old. Oh, I agree with that one. Oh, deary me. Oh, I love you guys. Fantastic. It's always lovely when, you know, someone you love falls in love with someone you love. That, for me, that's, you know. I mean, there are whole clubs you can join her into that. Pass. Pass. No, thank you. Too much admin. Until next time. Bye-bye. Bye.

50:45I'm a bit like, fuck, I'm getting old. But yeah, you're not giving off old Vita. She, no. And my slippers are in my bag and your boots. Listen, I'm sitting here, I'm sitting here in my fluffy crocs. Very good. Very nice. I'm wearing corduroy's, I've got my bad knee. Most days I feel about 78. I'm hobbling round the house like my mother going, shall we make some soup? put the hot water bottle in my bed pete i love that oh yes every night he puts the hot water bottle in the bed and that's why you weren't joking were you no no she calls a head she calls a head that's why he's still married if it's still if it's still in the bed from the night before like what i do is i just stand at the top of the stairs and i just slide it down the stairs it's like a big long furry snake.

51:38Oh my God. And it just goes... And then I hear... He gets up and he goes in that motherfucking kitchen and fills it up. And that's true love.