Ep 338: Sheyi Martins-Allen on agony aunting and Austen adaptations

0:00Sheyi Martins-Allen: Host unforgettable backyard barbecues with savings from Whole Foods Market. Get the good times going with made-in-house chicken or pork sausages and ready-to-cook kebabs for hassle-free flavor. Grab tasty flatbreads and their new balsamic chicken salad in the prepared foods department. Keep things fresh with organic red cherries, strawberries, and peaches at their peak. And stock up on bug sprays and sun care must-haves. Make your summer sizzle at Whole Foods Market. Whatever bike you're looking for from mountain to road, either pedal powered or electric, we've got what you want ready for super fast delivery.

0:35Quality gear at prices you won't find in your average bike shop. BikesHomeline.com. Ride more for less.

0:47Hello scumbags, this is the Scummy Mummies podcast. With your hosts, Ellie Gibson and Helen Thor.

1:00Hello and welcome to the Scummy Mummies podcast. It's me Ellie Gibson and it's me Helen Thorne and I am so excited today Helen because we have one of my heroes on the podcast. Dawn French! Why do you have to spoil it? Why do you have to do that Helen? You've just you've made it weird now. No, not Dawn French. I'm going to say better than Dawn French just to make her feel a little bit less sad. It's Shea Martins-Allen. Hello. I can be Dawn French if you want. Come on, do your impression. It's audio, it's fine. I shouldn't have said that, should I? I shouldn't have said that. I'm genuinely so pleased to have you here.

1:45Thank you. Thank you for joining us all the way here in South East London. I know. I don't come to South East London for many people, but for you people, I did. Thank you. Yes. And now you've been here, you won't be back. I'm quite sure. Why don't you introduce yourself with a listener, Shay? I am Shay Martins-Allen. I am a singer, actually, who happens to have an Instagram that's fairly popular. I don't know how. And I live in West London with my husband, Simon, and I have two kids, a seven-year-old girl called Isabella and a two-year-old boy called Noah. yes and your your instagram it's it's on fire at the moment um because you what i love is you do such a mix of stuff as well so you do funny videos about hot men and pride and prejudice yeah and you do political stuff yeah and you do i mean is it fair to say it all sort of kicked off with the advice stuff is that where it actually kicked off before it was the jane austen stuff actually were all kicked off so a little bit of background into this is because as i said i'm a singer i was basically on this program for independent music artists online and they were giving advice about how to use your social media a little bit better.

2:50And they said, basically, you know, pick something maybe outside of music that you can be consistent with because music, the algorithm on Instagram for music is pretty crap, to be honest. Is it? Yeah, you have to, it doesn't really pick it up. But they said, you know, talking head stuff does. And I was like, well, okay, I have Friday as my day off. I like to complain about things regularly. And I'm going to do that. So I'm going to complain about, and I have a politics degree, so I'll do that. I'll complain about three things on Friday. So that's how it started. I literally, I think the first one, I complained about something to do with Liz Kendall saying that young people don't want to work.

3:28And that actually exploded on TikTok. It wasn't on Instagram. Because all the young people are on TikTok instead of working. That's right. Yes, yes. And I was actually defending them a little bit, saying, well, you know, as an older millennial who's just managed to scrape and buy a house, they can't buy a house. there's nothing for them to do there's no jobs you know give them a break and all the tiktokers were like yes you understand me i've been i've been applying for a hundred jobs and no one's giving me a job i was like what is going on i like showed my husband going i i don't have time to do therapy for you know hundreds of people like what is happening so that's how it kind of started and my friends on instagram were like shay this is actually quite funny i think you need to continue and then the pride and prejudice thing happened in I think it was in August last year and I kid you not my phone basically melted I've never experienced anything like that before and this was because anybody who knows me knows that the 1995 pride and prejudice is my bread and butter like I could repeat the script to you verbatim the whole thing and so I was incensed to find out that they were trying to remake perfection.

4:39I was absolutely fuming when my friend told me. And I literally put my phone by my computer. That video took me about one minute and a half to make. I was like, right, well, that's going out. And then next thing I knew, my phone melted. It just couldn't cope with it. My friend called me. Because, yes, any right-thinking person knows that the eyes, the BBC Pride and Prejudice, is the original and best Pride and Prejudice. So if you remake that, all anyone is sitting there going, oh, are they going to have a man come out of the lake with a wet shirt? That's all anyone's thinking. No one's thinking, this is good.

5:13Everyone's thinking, this isn't as good, isn't it? I'm with you. No wonder it went. So I was fuming and then my friend called me. I'll never forget it. She called me and said, Shay, I'm on a plane and there is a lady on the plane in front of me watching your video and giggling. Like, what is going on? I was like, I don't know what's going on. My phone is melting. So that was quite popular. And then Dolly Alderton herself, who was writing the script, then slid into my DMs. So that was funny. What did she say? Was she like, how dare you leave me alone? Well, at first she thought I had tagged her in the post.

5:49Oh. And I hadn't because ironically, I didn't actually know who she was until a couple of days before. And I had to say, no, genuinely, it's not me. It's all of your friends and other people tagging you in it. She was like, I'm so sorry. But now we're friends. We're friends. Was she saying, can you untag me? Yeah, she thought I had tagged her in it. And she was like, could you not tag me? Because I'm getting a lot of attention for it. But ironically, then we became friends in the DMs. And it was because of her that I started looking through her agony aunt pages. Yes, the dear Dolly. The dear Dolly.

6:23And it was because of that. In the times, I didn't realise that she was an agony aunt. So I thought, oh, let me have a look at this Dolly Alderton. And then I realised that she was responding to problems. And I was like, well, she's taking two paragraphs to answer. I can do it in one sentence. So if you haven't seen this, you must go and have a look. Just pause the podcast now. Deep dive in. And these problems are mad, aren't they? It's all people going, oh, should I kill my wife? Well, not that. But yes, I'm happily married with three children. Should I have an affair with a 19-year-old? Basically.

6:59And you're just like, no. No. but you say it with such vigour and brilliance and I could just watch you for hours until I'm well with laughing. We watch them in the van quite a lot and we send them to each other and we're like oh but have you seen this one? Have you seen this one? And it's great because you're speaking what we're thinking. I have been told this before. Yes. And it's just like you know let's get rid of the nicely nicely let's get rid of the waffle let's cut to no bs it's true it's the nigerian parent coming out in me it's the up there you see when you have west african parents you you there is no filter isn't that refreshing you know where you are none what do your mom and dad think of it all that so it was really funny so when they came to the show when i said i said mommy and daddy you need to come to the live show they were like live show of what they're like what my father was like he's so funny he was like Shay you are becoming an influencer and see that there's some people on your Instagram what is that one what is influencer have you prayed have you prayed have you prayed about how you know that this one are you praying about it that's all he cares about so he was so funny so you can do anything you like as long as you pray oh yeah because he was like well he was just suddenly noticing all these people he was like what's going on here and then the funniest thing was when I filmed him um with Brooklyn Beckham because I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't not because I knew I was like daddy have you seen what Brooklyn Beckham put on Instagram he was so I literally filmed him reading it he I don't think he's ever recovered you feel like no for my Nigerian father if to to say family stuff like that out loud in public oof we he just died inside he was like no he's like who are the people talking to him where are the elders where are the elders where are the people the other people talking to him nobody weren't the other Spice Girls messaging him and saying how dare you disrespect your mother like this yes that's what my father would expect He'd expect the other older people in your life to sit you down and say, no, no, no, no, no.

9:18We don't do this. Not in public, no. He was shaken to his core. I mean, he's got a point. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The man has a point. He just went, so he has disgrace. Just disgrace the parents. Just disgrace the parents. He was just so upset. Did you say, well, dad, wait till you see, wait till you hear about his dad's ex-girlfriend wanking off a pig on the television. That's a whole other. He's not ready for that. Oh, poor woman. I've lost, I've lost red notes. All I'm thinking now is someone masturbating a pig. We were talking about your brilliant videos and the reaction ones. And I think as someone who has gone through divorce and who has had an incredibly shitty ex-husband, I wish you were with me six years ago.

10:07I should have been there. You know, and I think, you know, for people who have been in impossible and really shitty situations, it's so refreshing to just say, you know, don't overthink it. No. There is right and wrong here. Yes. That guy's a dick. Yeah. You're okay. Yeah. Don't pander. Don't, you know, get into it. No. I think sometimes people just need to hear it. They know the answer, but they just need someone to say it out loud. But I think that's because you're brave. and a lot of us aren't brave and we're too busy going oh oh but that will upset that person and that will they'll think funny of me if i if i do that and and again thinking of everyone else's but really big girl pants on you've got to put your big girl pants on you have to you have to do you want to present shay with your problem of six years ago and ask her advice yes yes yes yes Okay, okay.

11:01So I'll be like, let's set the scene. Yeah. Okay. Come on. So I'd been with my husband for 22 years. 22? Okay, that's a long time. Yeah, a long time, long time. From 19. And we had two children, had a house and all that sort of stuff. And then one evening, I found a love letter from a woman whose name I recognised because it was a Canadian woman who was our internet troll. So a woman who had been trolling Ellie and I, saying nasty things from Canada. And yes. She's already doing the face. I'm very excited. I know. I know. And I was like, hmm. Anyway, so it turns out this Canadian woman, he had been having an affair with for four years.

11:44Wow. Had a secret bank account. Had been going on work trips, international work trips, but using a secret bank account with this Canadian woman. And even when it was my 40th birthday and my parents came over from Australia, he suddenly had a work trip to Canada the week before. Oh, did he now? Yeah, and then came back two days later and it was my birthday and did a lovely speech. But he'd been fucking the woman in Canada. Wow. Yeah, and, you know, anyway. And then also it came to light that two years before, like two years into the affair, we had a Canadian woman in our audience at the South Bank.

12:17You stop, stop. I used to say, it's a bit where I used to say to the audience, let's see who's come the furthest, because it was always funny because someone would go Kent and we'd all clap. And this one night, this woman said, I'm from Canada. I've come all the way from Canada to see you. Stop it. So this was two years until the affair, but two years until I found out about her. She met us backstage, said, I'm your biggest fan, had a photo with us. And it was this woman. Yeah. So when you confronted him about this, you found the love letter. What did he say? He just dropped his head and I threw the letter on the bed and said, good one, dickhead, it's over.

12:49Yeah. And then the next day he was gone. Like he never spent another night in the house. Did he apologise? Did he try and deny it? He said, well, you had Ellie and I had no one. What? Sorry, you had Ellie. Yeah, as in I had a friend. I said, I wasn't fucking her. I was just, she's just my friend. That was the response. Yeah, to be clear, we've never, we haven't even done tongues. Nothing. No, no, no, no. No scissors. I find it uncomfortable when I see her boobs accidentally. I have to look at the ceiling and I speak very loudly. Yeah, it's not that kind of thing. yeah also we did do 18 months of couple counselling in the middle of that in the middle of that and he didn't raise just forgot about it he forgot every week he can't be expected to remember everything Helen and at the end something was going wrong before he seemed a bit withdrawn so I thought what's going on so we did couple counselling every week and then at the end of that and then when I found out about the affair I said why didn't you tell me there were opportunities and he said oh I wasn't asked the right questions okay over to you okay what's your advice what what the problem here is and i'm actually ironically your story is very similar to a very dear friend of mine and the issue that i have with these people is the level of cowardice this is my issue okay i don't if you want to be married okay i'm very traditional about this you took vows and you said those vows and you said that you wanted to commit to that person it's a choice okay you choose you chose to say there's vows now if you don't want to stick to the vows then you get your balls in check and you tell the person that you no longer want to be there okay that is what you do what what i have literally zero time for are these cowards who cannot get their balls intact and talk to their spouse about how they are feeling and then they want to piss about, lying, cheating, sleeping with other people, there is no excuse.

14:58I have no time for it. I don't want to hear from them. I don't want to hear from them ever. 100%. No, that is not how we do our things. You have children, you have responsibilities. So, you know, that's his problem. He has to explain that to his own children. I don't want to hear from them. You did a very good thing. Get rid. I'm out. Yes! No. Thank you, Shay. And I will tell people to this. A very, very similar thing happened to a dear friend of mine and I have never spoken to that person since. I know. I cut him out of my life like a... I was like, I don't need to speak to you ever again. Yeah.

15:28My friend, this is my friend. If this is how you conduct yourself, what have you got to do with me? No, I'm with you, 100%. Not long after that, we... I think I sent a lasagna round with Pete. Because that's what you do. It's a bit like someone's dead. You don't know what else to do. it is food is love yeah yeah get the fucking mints out that's what you do isn't it so i'd sent pete right it was covid times as well so it was all a nightmare yeah and i think he was he was there with the kids or something and and you were sick and pete like came with this lasagna and he gave and he answered the door and gave pete this sort of like hi and gave him this sort of wry smile like oh god i've i've left the washing out in the rain silly old me and pete was like No, no, this is not a men going, what are they like?

16:18Shrugging shoulders at each other. Pete was like, no, mate. No, we're no longer friends. You fuck this. This is also over. Like, this is... All of it's over. You're losing all your friends. You burn it all down. Yeah, and all that. Take responsibility for your shit. And these people, these are grown-ass men. I'm sorry, you're a grown man. Get, just get some, you know, stop being a coward and go and talk to your spouse. I don't have any time for it. Or get out. It's not a hostage situation. It's not. The door is not locked. No, it's not. Pack a suitcase, say, I'm really sorry. I'm going to go now and fuck off.

16:52Don't fucking petrol bomb your own house before you leave. But I think you owe, if you have any respect for your spouse, you owe them a conversation to say, look, I'm not happy. Things are not working for me. Can we go to therapy? And then you need to be honest in that therapy. And then because that person that you're married to deserves, I genuinely feel they deserve to know what is going on there should be an opportunity for that for you to discover to see if there is a way back or if there was a way forward um and if there isn't then you can mutually agree on that and that will sometimes happen that's fine but what you should not be doing is operating yourself doing whatever whilst the other person is completely left in the dark because it does feel like a death honestly it feels like the person that you were living with you don't know who they are anymore it's like who is who has been in my house and that's a form of grief which I've watched friends go through which we I think we've had to Simon and I've had to sort of operate I call it round-the-clock care we've had to go into those houses and basically check on those people because it's been such a shock that their spouse has betrayed them in such a way that we I genuinely was petrified about how are they like are they I mean they're not sleeping at night they're no longer eating do we have food for them who is with them tonight we literally had to do care and it has an impact on the whole community that's why i'm being fucked off with that particular person as well it's like you've basically fucked up my entire january because now i'm doing round-the-clock care for your stupid actions when actually you could have said something rather than just having an affair and fucking off yeah yeah it's better to be honest it's much better i've just got to make a quick phone call and sorry no no i was gonna say one of the best bits of advice I got from the therapist even though you know he clearly didn't ask the right questions uh uh was he said choose your heart because any decision you make going forward is going to be hard yeah there is no easy way out and I think that's where people get deluded it's like well I'll just get my jollies I'll stick my I'll stick my penis in this lady over here because that's like a like a magic kind of pill that just makes the sad go away yeah um but yeah it's it's having those crashing down yeah that's right i do wonder i don't know i do wonder if some of them are like well i'm just going to sort of make a mess if i just make a sort of mess over here the whole thing will naturally sort of explode at some point yes but at least i don't have to be i haven't got the guts to actually light the match do you know what i mean yeah so i'm just going to leave some centex lying around and i'm just going to get some naked flames and just sort of scatter them about and watch it all burn i don't know it drives me mad oh i'm angry all over again And the last point I'll make on this is that, frankly, I just don't understand where people get the time.

19:39That's the other thing. Yes, the admin of the Nefaya. Thank you. Just as a practical note, where am I going to get the time from with a seven-year-old and a two-year-old to be having a whole other relationship? Where? I don't even have enough time to brush my own teeth. No. Where do I do it? I mean, they can't be keeping their Duolingo streak up. They must be losing out in other areas of their life. I think the work trip is always the, that's how they get away with it because it's the going away people. And to be fair, both of the examples I have in my life, again, they went away. Whereas my husband and I, we run the business together.

20:11So exactly where does he go? Yeah. I mean, the only person I could have an affair with is Helen. We go away all the time. Yes, yes, yes. That's true. Unfortunately, she's not my type. She's not your type. Shame, shame. Well, thank you. Thank you for your truth bombs, Shane. I enjoyed that. are you are you this honest in real life with your real friends if someone comes to you and goes i've got this problem are you just spitting it out uh no i'm with my super super close friends i think they definitely know i'll be honest but i take my time with them because i because i they're sort of like my sisters and my and my brothers so i just i am careful with the way that i say it often i send my husband in to go and do the groundwork i go i go i go to him because people want to make things better from Simon so I say to him Simon I'm not happy about this I need you to go in there and have a conversation with such and such I'm telling all my secrets now damn it my friends will know like go and find out where the land lies you know are they happy with this I'm a bit worried about it

21:16Sheyi Martins-Allen: host unforgettable backyard barbecues with savings from Whole Foods Market Get the good times going with made-in-house chicken or pork sausages and ready-to-cook kebabs for hassle-free flavor. Grab tasty flatbreads and their new balsamic chicken salad in the prepared foods department. Keep things fresh with organic red cherries, strawberries, and peaches at their peak. And stock up on bug sprays and sun care must-haves. Make your summer sizzle at Whole Foods Market. Here's a tip for you. There's a podcast out there with fans waiting to be your next customer. They tune in every week, they trust the host, and that host wants to talk about brands like yours in their own words to their audience.

21:59The problem is, you just haven't been introduced yet. We're Acast, where that introduction happens. As the world's largest podcast marketplace, we let you browse shows, see who's listening, and book host-read sponsorships or run your own ads all from one platform. Transparent pricing, real-time data, complete control. Start advertising on podcasts by visiting acast.com slash advertise.

22:27Then he reports back to me and then I have a better way of going in. I'm not normally that direct unless I think it's really stupid. Then I might have to say something. But normally I do. Simon does the groundwork for me. Simon sounds great. He's great. He is great. Now, so you've had this big success on Instagram. and as you say you've just done a live your first live show how was it i know it was so exciting basically i was crapping my pants i was like uh i have invited like 300 people to come and see me do what exactly what are we doing uh and i thought it would just be my mom and dad coming but it was actually a really big hit so what i did was the ranting and the singing together basically two halves so did a bit of ranting about single life in london which was really cool uh did a bit of singing in between and then had a singer who I met through Instagram called Rumour who I loved basically for all of my 20s we just became mates and um we did a duet together and we sang it was just a really fun night I wanted it to be full of joy and just a bit of respite from what's going on in the world I mean by the time we finish this we might not have a prime minister we might be going through another one we might have all we might have all burned to death in a war I mean it could go on and on donald and benjamin maker that's all and so but it was just a bit of respite from all the chaos as well and it was really nice jeremy vine came and naomi harris came and the traitor stars came and it was really cool that's wonderful and yeah it was great it was really and i hope to do more i'm aiming for like a december double header like on the 4th and the 5th of december like chrysalis special uh and then trying to get some more celebrity guests is what i'm aiming So I'm working the DMs.

24:13I'm using my persuasive skills. Who's your dream guest? Do you know my dream guest, I think, or some of my dream guests to rant with, I'm really liking Kuti Gatwa. I think he'd be great to rant with. Oh, he would be divine. And then, yeah, Lily Allen started following me. Ooh. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. And she has some good divorce stories, right? I feel like Lily Allen could have a lovely night together. A really lovely night. while me and Shea sit on the other side of the court table going, yeah, he's a fucker. Fuck him. There was a lady that wrote in. Oh, no, it was a man. It was a man who wrote in.

24:49It was the ethicists. So the New York Times ones, okay, the American ones are a bit evil. They're mad. And it was a man who wrote in and said, I've agreed to an open relationship, but I don't like the fact that my wife is sleeping with other people. But he wants again. He said she asked me if I could. I felt I felt that I should say yes but now I don't like it and now she's crying because the person who she's sleeping with doesn't want her anymore should I be uh feeling sorry for her whoa whoa whoa whoa so well that's a lasagna now now you can imagine my response to this okay and actually I don't get many much pushback from my videos but I tell you who started to come for me the polyamory brigade oh really because they said that i was polygamy shaming or something i don't know that i was not you were yucking someone's yum yeah i was too judgmental of their open marriage thing majiggy i don't know and then i got called a kink shamer the other day because i would not endorse someone's misogyny and you know what i will die on these hills they don't know they don't know who they're coming for if you come for me in this way please come for me because you better come with receipts because i will die on this hill i don't mind i'll stay here we cannot agree if you don't agree that's fine but i'm gonna stay here on my hill yeah okay keep shaming people okay the story i gave you was that uh the man who went on one hinge date by the way one hinge date said to a lady would you eat from a dog bowl okay because i like to degrade women and this is the way that i get my sexual kicks now again if i'm not kink shaming anyone if you're in a consensual relationship and someone and you two like doing dog bowl thing good luck to you like i don't mind you do whatever you want yes exactly right no just do you know i'll give you a lift i'll give you a lift to pets at home you can go wild you go what yeah but don't come and tell me that the man who literally said on the date i like to degrade women i'm not giving him a pass because he says that gives him a sexual kick okay he's still a misogynist because he literally said to you i like to degrade you now if you want to give him a pass because he says that that gets him sexually aroused that's up to you but me i'm gonna stay on my hill here yeah and i'm gonna say no i don't think you should have to accept if someone says on a first state that they would like to degrade you i'm okay with that no yes i'm out i love and i think i think that if you are going to put yourself out there like you do you you sort of do have to dig in so i've done a couple of i guess rants lately did one uh last week about um reform and asking people to vote and uh again most people were like yeah most people were like i didn't even tell people who to vote for i didn't even say yeah don't vote for reform i did say send their fucking leaflets back yes and i did imply that they're racist which they are so you know um but i didn't i didn't say vote leave labor or green or anything like that and then they came the trolls they came and then i got accused of being an islamic terrorist activist and i was like i don't even remember going to any of the meetings i don't think i am no you don't no i've literally never mentioned islam yet and then they and the same person said i wouldn't leave my dog with the greens because they'd sexually abuse it and i was just like wow wow and there was just and there was a lot of time they got a lot of time yeah which is why i prefer so my um the way that i do my videos is that 4 p.m is always the fun one because that could be about anything 5 p.m is always the political one and 6 p.m is either the agony haunting or i have like a guest on so my 5 p.m political one that's why i I always like to use humour with it because I find that the tactic of humour, especially with right wingers, they hate it.

28:49Yeah. They hate it when you laugh at them and they hate it when you take the piss. If you look at Trump, the people who he tries to target are the comedians who are very, very clever at the way they take the piss out of him. He can't stand it because everyone's laughing. Like, do you remember when Sean Spicer, in Trump's first term, when, what's her name, the lady from Bridesmaids, who was hilarious. Bruce DeLake? No, the other one. Melissa McCarthy? Melissa McCarthy. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Did a Saturday Night Live taking the piss out of Sean Spicer, the press officer. Now, even people on the right, they knew that was funny.

29:24It was genius. It was comedy genius. and that guy got sacked because Trump could not cope with the fact that everybody was laughing he looked ridiculous and from that point onwards he became like person non grata and that to me was a beautiful use of comedy to take them down so my thing with reform is that I'm not going to be serious with them because they're not a serious people okay so I can't take them seriously because the level of delusion and you know stupidity with their racism is so laughable to me that i actually find it funny so i'll get a lot of people message me i'm so sorry you had to deal with it and i'm like i think this person is hysterical yeah she she can't spell she can't speak she's she's coming to me with something that doesn't even make grammatical sense and you want me to actually spend my time being offended by such a person i can't i wouldn't even waste 10 seconds but i do find it quite funny and i will use her as target practice absolutely she will get it i actually have a trump supporter in my dms and she's always there there's two of them and they come back every week i don't know why because they know how i feel about that man do they think they're gonna change your mind no i think they're just weirdly fascinated because they find it funny and they're not they're not understanding why they find it funny but they stay there because they know it's funny but they still like him but they can't quite work it out they're getting there i will change them they're my good for you um and this is the last one i moment but only because it's my favorite one someone wrote grow up carpet muncher yeah oh the irony what's a carpet muncher a lesbian oh really yes why is it what's what lesbians got to do because i because it's about eating pussy like you like eating carpet yeah yeah honestly lesbians teach me so much i love that thank you lesbian listen there are many times in my life i've wished i was a lesbian let's be honest yes honestly i'm not when i realized i had a cracking sense of humor because when i did that video about the lesbian dinner party about who someone wrote in oh i love this one this was extraordinary someone wrote it it was like a gift from god honestly i was like jesus loves me today when i saw this come up it was dear mary in the spectator and she wrote someone wrote to mary saying i have got two lesbians coming for a dinner party and i don't know where to seat them Do I seat the stud lesbian next to my wife or next to me?

31:47And I'm in a quandary. I don't know what to do for my dinner party. And this was literally the week where we were about to have no oil. No oil. The Strait of Hormuz was completely blocked. And I was like, but no, J.O. Snape from wherever, Suffolk, is worried about where he seats the stud lesbian. And honestly, the comments on that video are glorious. if you have time. And I literally went, lesbians of the United Kingdom, I need to hear from you. And my God, did they deliver. They are a wonderful people. They have a fantastic sense of humour because they told them exactly where they wanted to be seated.

32:26They had all sorts of ideas. Wow. Well, well done, lesbians. Another green tick for you. Superb, people. Superb. Oh, well, there we go. um so what's what's next shay what's your dream what's your what's your goal that's a good question so i think my goal is to basically tour the show would be great do more shows tour the show and in my big big dream is because i'm quite an ambitious person is to probably get the show on tv or some sort of netflixy thing because um i think there's a bit of a gap in the market for someone who does a bit of talking and a bit of singing. So that would be my dream dream, but we'll see how it goes.

33:11Well, I would watch that show. I would love that show. It'd be a nice show. It might not be a family show, but done. Excellent stuff. All right. Well, I believe it's time for the Scummy Mummy Confessions, everybody. Yes, it is. Our confession is, so we just unbelievably were invited to do our show at the Stratford-upon-Avon Literary Festival. Lovely. I've no idea how they got our number. I think there was a mistake. Yes, yes, yes. I think so. because the people who were on the in the festival was like prude leith oh nice people from the telly and people who've written philip perry richard coles yes like people who'd written like proper grown-up books actual people and then us in catsuits telling boob jokes and it sort of all started to go wrong even before we'd picked henna up in the van so my husband was roadying for us so he and i like we was it was a bit nerve-wracking so we left the 14 year old with the 11 year old for a few hours.

34:03My dad was coming in the EAM to stay overnight. At that age. But we were like, and Pete was really like, oh, I don't know. And I was like, no, it's fine. It's fine. It's fine. A couple of hours. That's fine. They've got mobile phones. They know the neighbours. Like nothing. No axe murder is going to turn up at half two on a Saturday afternoon. No. Probably. So it's fine. We've been in the van for two minutes when my son phoned me to tell me he got himself in the bathroom. My eldest son. The one in charge. The one in charge. Anyway, we were able to sort of sort it remotely because that was fine so we picked you up and then uh we got there and it was yeah it was i mean i felt out of place i'm not gonna lie yes i did feel like the court jester yes and and like we were like very tight fitting catsuits and everyone's in like lovely you know pearls and tweeds and all sorts of lovely lovely things so we're trying to be professional we're like right yeah let's find we'll get we'll bring all our props in now it's 5 38 p.m sophie rayworth is on at 6.30, there's already an enormous queue of, I'm going to say what they were, old white people looking very Stratford, waiting to see Sophie Rayworth.

35:09So we had to carry all our props past them, getting increasingly strange looks as we bring in big sequins. And then I carried in the ironing board, the scumometer that we use in the show. So in the show, we read up people's confessions, we summarise them with a sort of pithy two words and we slap that on the ironing board. So I'm carrying that through and I'm getting some really, funny looks from these people in the queue. And it's not until I go in and put the ironing board down that I realise it's got all the ones from the previous show saying things like nuns on a cliff, shit tits and cocktail dildo.

35:40Yeah. And all these people have just been looking at us going, I'm here to see Sophie Ray. I don't know what sort of show she's doing today. I know, what's a warm up at? Yeah. What is this? And then when we came back, I went back in the backstage bit and someone had turned the ironing board round. and I was like we were shamed we were shamed I was like they know what the show is they shouldn't invite us if they're not prepared for something a bit edgy and Pete went no I actually did that

36:11how dare you so that was good we did the show it was good it was fine yeah they warmed up they warmed up oh yeah and we the good thing about doing these things that are a bit you know left field of our usual thing we get a different audience so we had a few more men more you know older people as well but we had a big bunch of pta pissed up moms who were absolutely delight i like that yeah there was it there was a real energy but that's our confession okay um that we um we exposed cocktail dildo to the good people of stratford and sophie rayworth yes um i i love um now uh what was gonna say so i had a scummy on me confession from stratford um so we were doing all this stuff moving furniture and all sorts of things and you know amongst the people and we checked into the hotel.

36:57So I went upstairs to go to my room and I'd been holding in one hell of a fart. A real big one. At least you held it in. That doesn't always happen. No, it doesn't always happen. But I didn't think a literary festival was ready for that. Have you not read The Wife of Bath? Anyway, hold, hold, hold, hold, hold, hold, hold. And you know, it's the theory of the key in the door, isn't it? Yes, it is. The key in the door. It is. Anyway, so I got to my door and I went clickety click and it just went. And then I went, oh, yeah, I'll just let it go. And I really horsed it out, like really fucking elephant tined.

37:33But I didn't realise that there was a family around the corner. And the dad went, well, it wasn't me. And her mother said, Graham. They said, oh, creaky floorboards. It wasn't me. She said, it was you. And I said, you just said nothing. I said nothing. Nothing. Sorry, Graham. What I love, Shay, is that it's not even the first time in the last 12 months this has happened to her. You did the same thing in the premiere in wherever we were. Yes, yes, I did. With you and say, Steve, Steve, miserable Steve, our roadie. You were like, hey, Steve, check this out. And you did that enormous part. I was walking, but I didn't realise there were two workmen behind me.

38:10It was such a lot. Definitely blame our men. Such a lot. No, they were horrified. They looked physically unwell. But I love that you didn't learn from that. You didn't go, I'm going to wait the four seconds it's going to take me to get into my hotel room. Yes, yes. No, shame me once. Well, you know. Let it out. Let it out. Well, I'd rather the fat be in the corridor than in my small hotel room. That's the other thing. What about everybody else? Nobody else is living in the corridor. They'll have to walk through it. It goes the way. That's what corridors are. It doesn't stay there forever. Some of them are lingerers.

38:41Are they? Yes, they can infuse. They can infuse. Yes, like a diffuser. Anyway, sorry. I just feel unwell now. Shea, do you have a scummy mummy confession for us? I actually do. I was thinking as you were talking. So one of my earliest success videos was regarding a school run mum who I felt was breaking the code of conduct regarding her attire. Because as far as I was concerned, her attire was far too put together for that time in the morning. And this was, I said, a regular offence. Every day she was coming in with blow dried hair, top tier outfits, mini skirts, dresses, boobs, you know, the whole thing.

39:28And as I watched this every morning, I was becoming more and more disconcerted. So I decided to do a video about it and, you know, fuck my life, it goes really viral. and then other ladies started coming up to me in the school playground going we know exactly who you're talking about and we 100 % agree this is what as i realized so this also i was like okay but you know and she would she would sort of be around i'd be like okay so i managed to keep i was like yeah but we all know but just keep it keep it on the down end and then in our school uh we're we're sort of action park and there's a sort of pot in the park in there where we all go there in the summer and said school run offender and husband started to frequent the putt in the park and you know and then I realized then I realized she said to me one day she said oh is um is Sunday your father and I was like oh my god oh my god how does she know my dad why does you know my dad oh yeah because you know Isabella does tennis with my daughter every week we love your dad he's amazing he's so lovely he's a great grandfather and i was like oh my god i can't talk to you i can't talk oh no no no no and ever since she's really really nice to me and i feel terrible and she goes oh and someone then started talking about my instagram and i was like no and she was like oh i should follow you and i was like no so i'm just praying and hoping that school run offend a mum one doesn't realize that i'm talking about her and two never scrolls back that far through the back catalog because if she sees that i was talking about her i'm in so much trouble the best way to prevent that is to appear on a popular podcast uh talking about the incidents well you told me to confess i'm confessing but she's a very lovely lady just very nice oh well that's a lovely story thank you so much for sharing you told me to confess so i had to oh yes you've got to i do feel better i do yes excellent um so where can people follow you well the best place to follow me is on my instagram uh but i am also on tiktok if you're under 18 and yeah we'll keep an eye out for your new shows yeah so hopefully fourth and fifth of december you guys should definitely come to one love to come because we we love you and i'd love to see you guys yeah and we're doing a whole lot of london gigs we've got one uh coming up on the 11th of July in central London in Soho at the boulevard and we're in Watford on the 25th of June.

42:05We're going to Norwich, Ulverston, Chester, Southampton and other places. Manchester. Oh God, yes please. Oh please come to Wales. Yes. It's a lovely town and we could do with the filling of the theatre. Yes. Great. And then in the summer we're going to Camp Festival and Feastable so come and see us there. can I come to the London one I want to come to that one yeah 100 % absolutely we must warn you now we do do songs but we can't sing so you can sit there maybe she can teach us I mean you can't teach a dog to suck eggs Helen no that's right exactly well there we go that's the end of the podcast thank you so much for coming on pleasure and thank you as always for listening until next time bye bye bye

43:05There's a moment when performance becomes unstoppable because once you found your drive, ordinary just isn't enough. The versatile BMW X3 turns ambition into action. The X5 boasts unrivaled comfort and confidence and the iconic 3 Series delivers pure exhilaration. Why settle when greatness is within reach? The BMW Ultimate Sales Event on now. Free and for exceptional offers through June 30th.

43:35Sheyi Martins-Allen: While every other channel is fighting for your customer's attention, podcasts are where they've already given it. No one accidentally listens to a podcast for 45 minutes. They choose to be here. They trust the voice in their ears. And when that voice talks about your brand, it doesn't sound like advertising. It sounds like a recommendation from a friend. Acast gives you that trust at scale. Digital precision, post-read authenticity, and performance data that proves it worked. Don't fight for attention. Buy it with Acast. Learn more by visiting acast.com slash advertise.