Are boyfriends embarrassing?

0:00So, late last year, the internet asked an important question. Are boyfriends embarrassing now? And turns out, just about everybody had an opinion. If you have not read the British Vogue article is having a boyfriend embarrassing, you need to run, not walk. I think for me, it's that I don't want my identity or to tie myself to my relationship. The fact that this even had to be written is a clear wake-up call for men. I will never get behind this narrative that women don't need men and men don't need women. Why would I allow anyone, let alone a man, lower the standard I worked so hard to earn. Like people did this clap back, Vogue is this embarrassing.

0:44And it's some mediocre guy. Coming up on Today Explained from Vox, an investigation into one of last year's biggest topics. Are stray people okay?

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2:24This is Today Explained. Shante Joseph writes about relationships, culture, lifestyle, friendships, and loneliness. And she wrote a piece in 2025 for Vogue that went viral, probably because it was titled, Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now? The piece was essentially asking this question, if having a boyfriend has kind of lost the social standing it once provided to women, and I was analyzing this through the lens of social media, I was looking at the way that women are very private about posting their romantic partners online. a lot of people were kind of sticking emojis over their boyfriend's heads you know we all kind of seen this and I think it started to ramp up and then it's it became a little bit of a parody where people would just edit out their boyfriend's heads completely but then I noticed that um people would post like their their wedding videos or they would post their engagement videos and engagement photos and in these very I guess private um moments they were online but they were edited in a way that you never knew what the husband looked like.

3:24And I was like, okay, this is feeling a bit extreme. And fair enough if you are, you know, maybe a celebrity or a huge influencer, but people I knew with like 10 followers were doing that. And I was like, why are you doing this? And so I really wanted to, yeah, explore this strange trend. And you're noticing something that has really become clear on the timeline. I remember like boyfriend reveals or things like that, but it's gone to outright hiding. So what did your piece find? and kind of what did you even mean by the question of embarrassing? So I found basically three things. The first was, you know, people said they didn't want to do this simply for privacy reasons.

4:03That sounds more like it's external validation from social media. There are people who truly value privacy. I'm one of those people because I'm an autonomous person. I mean, honestly, unless there's a ring involved. Wait, no, scratch that. Unless you have literally walked down the aisle with someone, there's really no reason to be posting them on your social media. And then they would go on to say, well, if I posted my boyfriend and he cheated on me next week and I had to go back and delete the pictures, people would be like, well, where's so-and-so? How's so-and-so? And I'd have to deal with the shame of that.

4:31But then there were women who just outright, the idea of having a boyfriend, they felt was embarrassing inherently because it didn't align with like the brand is why I got a lot. I think in this day and age, men are detrimental to a woman's brand. if you have a boyfriend and he sucks he's terrible he treats you poorly you don't want to be telling people that because like what does that say about you you know a lot of people felt like if i post my boyfriend on instagram or on social media i'm indicating something about me to the world that i don't want people to to know um in the piece one of the comments that i quote is this idea of someone saying i do recognize that having a boyfriend is kind of republican thing to do I'm not Republican but I recognize that it is and now our relationships well particularly straight relationships say more about us than they ever did before like they almost have a political inclination in a way that I don't think straight people's identities have really been politicized in that way whereas before if you posted your boyfriend online it felt like a sense of achievement but now it kind of feels like you are are kind of like reverting to kind of old archaic ways and I think it's the way that the sort of like heterosexual romantic relationship has almost been co-opted a little bit by the right.

5:46It feels traditionally very sort of conservative. I feel like I'm aligning to this idea of the world that doesn't really feel natural to me. That's what's really got people. And I think this is also because of the rise in like the trad wife movement and this whole idea of like, you know, I'm just with my man and I'm making, you know, the butter and air from scratch and he's out working. And it just represents that very kind of traditional cultural way of living that kind of gives people the ick a bit. This idea that you now represent an ideology that isn't aligned to you because of your partner is definitely new.

6:22Yeah, I was going to ask specifically about how we should think about this alongside rising trends like Trad, Wife and others. You mentioned it. I mean, are these things that are happening at the same time? Are these just different communities? I think they are happening at the same time because I think about the reaction to my piece, whether it's from, you know, The men who were just really angry that I could ever talk disparagingly about men, or the women who were very proud of their relationships, feeling as if this was an attack on them. I think the way we talk about relationships online has changed so much.

6:51I was talking about the Risa Tiso, Who the Fuck Did I Marry? Part 37, Who the Fuck Did I Marry? Or the Danish deception. And I knew this man has the power to destroy me. And that was exhilarating, but also terrifying at the same time. These women coming online, making these, you know, 60-part TikTok videos, detailing all of the horrible things that have happened to them. West End Caleb. I also have a story about West Elm Caleb. So, around Halloween, we matched on Hinge. I remember that one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All of these things, so there is no sort of illusion around the fantasy anymore. And so I think that has gripped a lot of people.

7:29Yeah, I wanted to ask about the reaction. Why do you think it struck a nerve in such a way? And I want to specifically ask about, like, was there any pushback that you got that you felt was legitimate? Yeah, yeah. I would say a lot of women initially responded to this piece thinking it was about me pitting women against other women. And this was idea of, like, you're not standing in solidarity with other women. You know, this is also part of the problem. And I had to really stress to them, this isn't necessarily about you guys. I'm not saying that you're doing something wrong or there's something wrong with you or your relationship is wrong.

8:02but I'm saying that there is a way that men have been allowed to behave and act in society for so long that has only gotten worse and I did understand how it could initially read like that feeling as if you know people were um being shamed this idea that I you know hate love or I'm shaming people for finding love I think that the it's the opposite I I love love I think it's wonderful and you know but then obviously there was a lot of kind of hateful abuse a lot of racist abuse men talking about like the way that they'd want to see me abused and die and you know it was really awful and I think I definitely struck a nerve particularly with men because I thoroughly believe that this emotional space this sort of dating space feels like the last place that they can really have true domination when women are more educated than men you know we are working jobs we're running our households like the family the work these are spaces that men predominantly had like huge amounts of power over and I think they are losing a lot of that and so I think it just it was this sort of like feeling like they're losing that made them really scramble um and also I think because I was black as well I got a lot of like racist abuse on top of this it kind of felt like I was ruining the the sort of like sanctity of these like straight white relationships like I was um an adversary to them and so it was quite it was quite loaded when I went through a lot of the abuse and I could kind of see where these people were getting riled up from.

9:26You write in the piece that you did a call out on your Instagram and the responses from followers said that there was, quote, an overwhelming sense from single and partnered women that regardless of the relationship, being with a man was almost a guilty thing to do. So are we talking here just about like shame of heterosexuality partnerships? Like it seems like straightness is at the core of this oh yeah 100 and i think this is what really like upset people as well because we don't talk about heterosexuality in this way we're very much we exceed it as a norm this is just the way to be in society and so we should never really question what's going on here but actually i was like no it's deeper than that so one of the inspirations behind this piece was a book by professor jane ward um her book is called the tragedy of heterosexuality and in the book she has a chapter that is dedicated to the things that queer people say behind their straight friends' backs.

10:15And it was absolutely fascinating to get into the perception of straightness, straight people, and straight culture. And I think the idea of embarrassment definitely came from reading that and really realizing the ways that, yeah, straight culture is very embarrassing. I can tell you what I thought when I read the piece. I thought, well, one, are you embarrassing? It's a question you have to ask yourself, you know? As a boyfriend, are you one that can be proud of, right? As a question, I feel like it inspires. But there's also something that I think I want to bring up in this convo. Because it does sometimes feel as if when we talk about dating on the internet, I don't want to defend the boys.

11:02But I'm saying it does sometimes feel like in straight relationships, we talk about women as perfect daters and perfect friends, and it's only a question of, like, male lack. And it probably is. But, you know, is it always? And so I feel like that's probably another tone that I think comes up. But it's funny because I read it, you know, when I asked my girlfriend about it, she said just pretty—I was like, well, do you think it's true? She's like, well, yeah. And so it's so assumed that I think that actually that could also be part of the reaction, too. is because for boys, you didn't realize just how embarrassing we've been.

11:37But it's interesting because I've even had like, whenever people kind of responded to me, but in a kind of way, I would always take the time. And I had like young boys like messaging me being like, you know, I've read this piece and I'm like really worried and da-da-da. And I had to be like to them, look, like you're so young, like you're still forming your identity, your values, who you are. Like you don't need to worry about kind of being embarrassing right in this moment because you're still coming to terms with who you are. But I would always say to them, you know, please be aware of the media that you're consuming, the people that you're learning from, the people who are telling you how to behave in relationships and really evaluate if they are giving you advice that is going to help you be kind of better, know yourself better, be a better partner.

12:18Or is it like tricks and games and tactics? Like just be aware of your media and the things that you've been taught to believe about women because this stuff starts really, really young. but yeah I do see the ways in which men might feel like this just was like another thing against us and like you know you know it's all good I wanted to ask what do you think we've learned about straight relationships from this episode? Yeah I think all I've learned is that there's this sort of from both sides I think people are still trying to clamor onto the privilege that being in a relationship particularly a straight relationship gives them and I think for some people their anger to this piece was about them realizing that I might lose this privilege and they might not have many other privileges and so losing this was like a big deal um and then also I think the biggest reaction from this piece came from like single women who were like oh my god for the first time I don't feel a sense of shame for my identity and this was women in their 40s but also teenagers teenagers messaging me being like I've never had a boyfriend and I felt really ashamed about that and I felt bad about myself and I thought there was something wrong with me or that I was ugly.

13:27And I was like, God, you are so young and you've already internalized all of these messages because you've been told your whole life to be in a relationship is the most important thing and everything outside of that doesn't render me as an individual or like fascinating person. Like I'm glad they felt better, but also I felt so upset that that conditioning runs so deep. Do you feel like you have come through this thinking like boyfriends are more or less embarrassed? Do you know what? I think I've come away thinking that they're more embarrassing. I can't lie. Because the men are being embarrassing.

14:00And the women with boyfriends upset about this piece are even more embarrassing. So I'm like, damn, I might have to double down.

14:12That's Shantae Joseph. Coming up, are straight people even okay? We're going to ask Professor Jane Ward.

14:23Thank you.

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17:08You're listening to Today Explained. My name is Jane Ward. I'm a professor of feminist studies at UC Santa Barbara, but I mostly work and teach in queer studies. And Jane, you wrote a book that our last guest, Shante Joseph, said was a bit of an inspiration for her viral article. The book was called The Tragedy of Heterosexuality. I guess I'll start with the obvious question then. What's so tragic about it? So, you know, the book has clearly a provocative and playful title. But what got me thinking about this book is that queer people, at least in my orbit, had been having these conversations for decades about are straight people okay?

17:58Straight people are so weird. They're like cooking is a woman's job. Unless you're grilling, then it's a man's job. I just found out that straight dudes are calling the thing that you grind up weed with a grinder, a crusher, because grinder has gay connotations. What? What? Are straight people okay? Get a grip. That even became a meme, but long before it was just a conversation we were having in our kitchens and at the gay bar. And really what, you know, what's meant by this is that straight people often seem kind of miserable. They complain about each other a lot. Straight women in particular spend a lot of time expressing that they wish that they were lesbians.

18:38That it's sort of tragic to be heterosexual. I was talking to my friend today and she was telling me, the moment that you get over your disgust for men, that's when they become actually quite bearable. Whatever the, what? Is that normal to say? Is that normal to think? I wish I was gay. I wish I could be gay. Do it. You can. You can. Get out there. Go eat some. In fact, the title comes actually from a line on Parks and Recreation where, you know, two of the main characters are taken as a lesbian couple and they say, no, tragically, we're both heterosexual. Let me just get some details for your file now.

19:13Are you two a couple? No, tragically, we are both heterosexual. So it was already out there, you know, in the cultural environment with people recognizing this. But I think the part that wasn't maybe so transparent to a lot of people, especially not straight people, was that queer people also really love being queer and love our lives and often feel a lot of gratitude and relief that we're not straight. Are you finding that heterosexuality is in trouble, that it is at some crossroads? The book kind of centers on an argument that I make about the misogyny contradiction, which is that modern heterosexual identity, starting in the early 20th century, starts to require something new of married men and women, which is that they're supposed to kind of like each other.

20:14And that wasn't actually important to marriage for centuries, you know. And men in particular are supposed to kind of care about women, care about what their women partners, how they feel, their general well-being. There's supposed to be some degree of mutual respect. And this is called companionate marriage. And it comes to define how we think about being straight. And yet, at the same time that people are confronted with this new norm, which is that you're supposed to actually like and love your spouse, these same people are still raised in a misogynistic culture, one that normalizes boys and men, hatred of girls and women.

20:57I'm just too emotionally available for one. I'm too consistent and I'm loyal and I make money. Those are just some of the things that I think women have a problem with. They don't know how to deal with that. Date a sleepy girl. You won't have to worry about them cheating. All they do is eat, sleep, nap, and yap. Your life will get easier when you start seeing women as children. They're going to cry. They're going to whine for attention. They're going to not know what's going on. They have no self-awareness. And when you understand this, you can handle them better. We have not undone the centuries of patriarchy and misogyny that are pretty foundational to the human experience.

21:34And so the book kind of opens with this historical development and then looks at what I call the heterosexual repair industry, which is all of these ways that mainstream culture tries to resolve this problem through self-help, you know, all these online cultures, and mostly fails. You know, I think this is an important point. You know, you're making clear how, on one hand, the idea of partners as companions, particularly heterosexual relationships as companions of mutual interest is a fairly new idea. But it's at odds with the culture that is often producing men who seem incapable of creating those relationships.

22:12Exactly. It's the norm. And it's the maybe it would be more accurate to say it's the aspiration. and yet we're not actually producing those relationships. And so it's very disappointing for both women and men. Do you think the discourse around heterosexuality is changing? Like, how should we qualify how we think about straight relationships now, even versus, you know, five, ten years ago? Oh, absolutely. I think it's changing. I mean, even subjecting heterosexuality to analysis is a big change. Certainly to have such widespread attention be paid to what's troubling about heterosexuality or to the way that heterosexuality is failing people is a huge transformation.

22:55In fact, I've actually been really kind of surprised by how quickly these sorts of conversations about heteropessimism, a tragedy of heterosexuality, really penetrated the culture. And I think that's thanks to social media in many ways. And I think there's still tremendous hunger for conversations about, you know, what are we going to do with heterosexuality because it isn't working? Can you define heteropessimism for us? So, hetero-pessimism is not my concept. Asa Saracen coined that term in an essay in 2019, and it's such a useful term. And basically, what they were getting at was the way that many straight people performatively express their embarrassment, their dissatisfaction, their resignation about heterosexuality.

23:53The things I would give to not have to date men. They pretty much do this thing where they're fully into you and then they pull back. And then also, none of them can communicate for shit, let alone even say I'm sorry. And what Saracen says is, you know, it's performative, not in that it's like fake. It's performative in that that's all it does. It's just an expression. These are not people who are actually going to stop being straight because of it. And so it's very popular on social media, for instance, for, you know, young people to talk about like, oh, God, I wish I wasn't, you know, I wish I wasn't straight.

24:32This really is, you know, kind of out there in the atmosphere. And it's such a useful concept that I think is part of what people are thinking about on TikTok that then is like a building block for Shante's article. You know, and it reminds me of some conversation that happens in kind of my political reporting world about the growing gap, particularly among men and women and younger generations. There's a lot of data that tells us that, you know, women have gone to the left as men have gone to the right. We've seen this kind of explored in social media with trad wifey phenomenons versus a podcast, bro, red pilling.

25:08You know, I wanted to put that in front of you. Like, how much do we think this is a broader change in culture that's reflected in relationships versus how much is this being, you know, driven by the individuals? I think these are broad trends, and it makes sense that we see people doing things that seem quite different on the political spectrum from women saying having a boyfriend or a husband is embarrassing to women who want to be trad wives. I mean, I think, you know, not to get like too theoretical, but... Hit us with it. Okay. So, you know, the Italian philosopher Antonio Gramsci wrote about this very kind of cultural instability that when there's a longstanding norm like patriarchal marriage and it starts to crumble in some way, people catch on to the fact that it isn't really working.

26:01But we don't have a good alternative yet. We haven't as a society invented the next new thing. This produces kind of like a collective identity crisis, you know, a lot of uncertainty. And so a lot of people, where they go with that is they double down on tradition. They're not really ready to make that next. I think it's sort of an evolutionary step. But for some people, they see it as, you know, everything's ruined. And so they have a lot of anxiety about that. So I do think it makes sense that we see all of these strategies right now. All of them happening at once. Yes. You know, I wanted to ask about, like, fixes, solutions.

26:40Like, some of this, you know, in the heteropessimism of it all, can feel just like a growing divide that shows no signs of getting closer. Is that how you see it? Like, are there any answers to this gap beyond, you know, don't be straight? Oh, absolutely. I mean, there are straight people and they're not going away. So that's not the answer. And I think people sometimes want to make it more complicated than it is. I mean, to my mind, the answer is feminism. And specifically, the answer is that we need men to embrace feminism as their own project. And I don't think, you know, very few men have done that.