The cost of “I do”

0:00Jonquilyn Hill:Support for Explain It To Me comes from Starbucks. Vibing to the hook of your favorite song, stepping outside and immediately feeling the sun on your face, sipping a refreshing drink. Those are the moments that energize us. And if that third one sounds particularly enticing, you might be due for a new energy refresher from Starbucks. It's the flavors you know and love. And now with a boost of energy, try the all new energy refreshers at Starbucks. It seems as if there is an automatic surcharge as soon as you say the word wedding. Is 30 ,000 kind of the norm now? I joined a subreddit group that was weddings under 10K when I first joined it, and then they kept updating the description to eventually be weddings under 20K by the end of it.

0:56Jonquilyn Hill:I'm really good at being a bridesmaid. There was my cousin's wedding, my college bestie's wedding, my other college bestie's wedding, my work bestie's wedding, my other work bestie's wedding, and then the wedding of the bestie I met at a random party back in my early 20s. It may not be 27 dresses, but six dresses is a lot too. Being a bridesmaid is expensive, but it pales in comparison to the actual nuptials. Last year, my husband and I probably spent almost$60 ,000. Could have been a little bit less, which was way more than we wanted to spend. Our price tag for our wedding was$100 ,000. My husband and I were sitting around.

1:38We just had a baby being like, Oh my God, where the hell did all of our money go? And the answer is to the wedding. Spending without dress honeymoon minimum of$40 ,000 in Detroit. So that's what we're doing. It makes me want to vomit.

1:52Jonquilyn Hill:I'm John Quillen Hill, and this week on Explain It to Me from Vox, we're going to the chapel, or the courthouse, or the winery, or wherever it is you want to say I do, and we're breaking down the cost of the modern wedding.

2:12Jonquilyn Hill:Wedding planning wasn't always this intimidating. Karen Dunnick is a history professor at Muskingum University and author of As Long As We Both Shall Love, The White Wedding in Postwar America. It was very much like a local, a community kind of thing, even sometimes just like your immediate family and that people would have sort of, I think, actually traditional celebrations where it would be relying on the local landscape or flowers were available in the yard or the community. If it was fall, like whatever sort of foliage and those things would be brought into a home. I did some research at the University of Iowa and reading people's diaries where it would be rained this morning, married this afternoon, but that the weather was the first thing that was referenced.

3:07And then the wedding was sort of the second most important thing that happened that day.

3:12Jonquilyn Hill:Okay, how did we go from these modest productions to these even bigger productions that we have now? I would like really go into the 1920s as this moment of like advertising, and it becomes a much more democratized sort of celebration that has all of the things that I think a lot of people are familiar with, that there would be a white dress, that the groom would wear formal attire, that there would be attendants who are wearing a particular kind of clothes, wedding showers, wedding registries, all of this sort of stuff is very much a thing that becomes much more mainstream in post-World War II America.

3:48There really is a leaning into consumer expenditure, consumer display, and being part of an America that's very much about prosperity and plenty. And the wedding is a location where Americans are able to display that.

4:01Jonquilyn Hill:What about the media at the time kind of lent itself to that? You know, like these people were getting these images from somewhere, right? Oh, yeah. They were getting these images from everywhere.

4:17Brides Magazine, when it is first published, 1934, is like a New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, like a tri-state area kind of thing. Expands then to become a nationwide publication. But that's a magazine for people who are going to get married. If you open up Life Magazine, there is a Pyrex advertisement and it is a woman in a wedding dress putting her Pyrex dish into the oven. And we're selling you the dish. We're not selling you the wedding, except guess what? We're selling you both of those things. That everything that is sold can possibly be sold by attaching it to a person dressed like a bride.

4:57I think in movies, when Elizabeth Taylor stars in Father of the Bride, like that wedding dress is the wedding dress that everybody wants. A wedding, a church wedding. Well, it's what every girl dreams of. A bridal dress, the orange blossoms, the music. It's something lovely to remember all the rest of her life. There are all of these ways that media can capitalize on an expanding marriage slash wedding culture. There are even ways that they can say, you know, okay, here are all the ways you cannot make mistakes for your wedding. playing on people's anxieties. Like, the idea that this is, again, post-World War II America, this is a new place.

5:42Like, yesterday's news is yesterday's news, and you don't want to get caught up in it. Marriage in most of America today is a little different from what it was yesterday, because the people are a little different. Your parents don't know what they're talking about when it comes to getting married now, because they got married in the 1930s, and you don't want a Depression wedding. You want a 1950s wedding. So just sort of like laying a foundation for this is new and this is modern and previous generations couldn't possibly understand. So you better rely on the expertise that's available to you.

6:17During the 1960s and into the 1970s, with the advent of the counterculture, with the origins of women's liberation and a women's movement, feminists are still getting married. But when they get married, they're like, I will keep my own name. I will not be given away by a man at this wedding. I will be the decider of my own fate and walk myself down the aisle. Or, you know, the sort of traditional love, honor, and obey. Let's get the obey out of there. Every woman gets to choose, and that is women's lib. 1960s into 1970s, you have people who are moving away from the sort of reception hall and saying, let's do it outside.

6:55Let's commune with nature. People go wild because like some very few, but some brides are like, yes, I'm going to wear some pants.

7:03Jonquilyn Hill:Ooh, getting wild. Yeah, exactly. What will happen next? What was the wedding of the 80s? Was there like something that it was like, hey, y 'all, this is the 80s and this is what weddings should be? Oh, yes, there was.

7:19and it's when Diana marries Prince Charles and people have like special English tea parties and get up early and watch the TV and look at her coming in like her carriage and she is in an enormous white dress. The wedding dress of Lady Diana, it's in ivory, pure silk taffety and look at it, isn't it? Fairy tale. She's going to be a princess that there is definitely like this sense of this is a fairytale wedding.

7:50Jonquilyn Hill:So my early ideas around weddings were in part going to them with my family, but also shows on TLC. What were those and how did they have an impact on what we expected from weddings at the time? Yeah, I think that's sort of like late 90s, early aughts were really influential for people, like a kind of reality TV that people really watched it, like loved it. Emanuela, are you saying yes to the dress? Which of these brides will see her groom step out of the prize winner's limo? Find out after four weddings. And I think it was sort of part and parcel of the media of that time period too, when like glossy magazines were still all over the place, that InStyle had InStyle weddings, InStyle celebrity weddings.

8:41like I think in some ways too like teaching them what they should be doing like we're all going to go to a David's Bridal. If you're getting married you'll love David's Bridal. Creating a kind of like we all know what it looks like and we all know what this process is and we all know what to expect when we go do it. I would also say that people sometimes behave poorly on those shows. And there was a kind of enjoyment in or like voyeurism. But I still think also think enjoyment and like a superiority and being like, oh, I would never be like that. Or can you imagine somebody is like that?

9:18Jonquilyn Hill:Yeah, like Bridezilla. Yeah. And I would say like early 21st century, Bridezilla is definitely a language that like everybody is using all the time. So we've talked about magazines, movies, reality TV, but I feel like the internet really supercharged the wedding's arms race too right I think in like a lot of different ways online registries Pinterest of course to be like oh I'm gonna take these ideas who needs a wedding planner when I can like find this and like sometimes like do it myself and then like very clearly what's going on with Facebook or Instagram or are we gonna like hashtag our wedding or ask people not to post any pictures of it because we want to have some like autonomy over that or like what is the timed release that I think it's it's opened up did you use the word supercharged yeah absolutely but and I think also like presents a lot of different ways that people can navigate what they want their weddings to be and or say about them.

10:26It really is staking a claim on where you are and who you want to be with. And for me, that's the ongoing appeal of it. Because otherwise, why would you be like, yes, I could put a down payment in a house where I could have this party?

10:44Jonquilyn Hill:so weddings are a way to broadcast who we are to people and that audience goes way beyond who's on the guest list that's up next support for explain it to me comes from starbucks there's a palpable energy to storytelling, and it's an energy we harness to bring you a special series like this one. With that in mind, it's worth remembering the little things we do in community to energize ourselves, like sharing a cool, brightly flavored drink over conversation under the afternoon sun. It's a refreshing ritual that can be perfectly captured by the Starbucks' new energy refresher. It comes in great flavors.

11:31Jonquilyn Hill:Mango dragon fruit, strawberry acai, mango strawberry, plus a handful of tasty variations with lemonade or coconut milk, like the pink energy drink. The point is, nobody is immune to a little slump in energy, especially in the afternoon. The science is clear on that. The key is remembering there's always a path forward to feeling renewed and re-energized. Try the all-new energy refreshers at Starbucks.

12:07Jonquilyn Hill:It's Explain It To Me. I'm J.Q. And you know you had an excellent wedding if Shelby Wax knows about it.

12:18Jonquilyn Hill:She's the contributing weddings editor at Vogue, meaning she gets to pick which weddings end up in the storied magazine's online photo essays. They're a big feature with, you know, an edit of maybe about 40 to 80 photos from the wedding. this beautiful mix of images that really capture the essence of the day, the details of the day, tell the story. And then we also have a wonderful feature where we talk about your love story, the entire process of planning the wedding, those details that go into, you know, choosing the fashion, your experience and how you felt on the day. And I love a rom-com and I'm like, I'm just telling a love story here.

13:02Jonquilyn Hill:so we're talking about how complicated and how expensive weddings have gotten through the years does a wedding need to be super expensive to get into vogue territory like I don't know when I think of vogue I think of glamour and glamour is often expensive well okay weddings especially these days are so so expensive but at the same time it's not always the ones that spend a lot of money Sometimes the ones I see that spend a lot of money are really not of the certain caliber I want to feature because it seems like they're just throwing money at something and it doesn't feel intentional. My biggest thing I always think is when I look at these photos, do I want to be a guest at this wedding?

13:47Jonquilyn Hill:Ballpark, what's the average cost of a wedding these days? Let's say, you know, we're having 100 guests at this imaginary wedding. I would say like in New York City, the average wedding is probably$100 ,000. Wow. Like just based on the costs and how much it is for 100 people, yes. Like the cost for catering, the cost for photography, flowers, food. You know, say if you're somewhere in the Midwest, I would say the average cost is probably closer to$30 ,000 to$40 ,000. It just really depends on the scale and also the vendors you're choosing. You know, some of the top, top wedding photographers in the world charge$100 ,000, but there's other ones who charge$5 ,000.

14:34And that's a very big difference in your bottom line budget. You know, I talk to friends getting married and all that. And I would say every single person I go to and I'm like, so how much over budget are you right now? And I've never heard someone say they were under budget.

14:51Jonquilyn Hill:Wow. I want to get into the trends of it all. So we have an idea of how online trends move and how quickly they come and go. Things move a lot faster now. But how do wedding trends pop up? Does it come from somewhere like Vogue? Like, I don't know, is there a bridal version of the cerulean sweater monologue from The Devil Wears Prada? And it's sort of comical how you think that you've made a choice that exempts you from the fashion industry when in fact you're wearing a sweater that was selected for you by the people in this room. Oh, for sure. I mean, I think the wedding trend cycle has moved so, so much faster in the past few years, mainly due to social media.

15:35I would say there's now very much like oh this is the trend of the year and your wedding's gonna feel dated if you're you know doing like this year everyone's talking about chartreuse and burgundy is apparently a very big color palette trend that's going on. Is anyone else getting attacked by the violent chartreuse and burgundy wedding content? You chose chartreuse and burgundy for your wedding colors thinking that it was going to be timeless? I want whatever you're on. It can be a bit of an issue, I think, these days too, because I hear from planners, people are, especially a lot of their Gen Z clients, are so focused on the social media and that aspect of performance a little bit that they're really wanting to be on top of the trend cycles.

16:22And then they're saying, well, I want to do this brand new thing. And I saw this thing via chat GPT that I pulled up. And a lot of times their planners are like, well, first off, this isn't in your budget, this isn't even possible because this was AI generated, or it just becomes something that's so overdone at a certain point, you think the thing that feels original is going to be everywhere because that's what's being blasted all over your Pinterest page.

16:51Jonquilyn Hill:Yeah. When it comes to weddings, I feel like there are two things I hear. One, people being obsessed with being original. And then on the other hand, it's people obsessed with like, I don't want it to look like a trend. It needs to look timeless. Listen, I know that there's some people that say that there's no such thing as a timeless wedding, but truly there are things that just like never go out of style. I was told by our guests quite a few times that our wedding was timeless, and that was my number one goal when designing my wedding. Right. I think it's, well, the timeless thing is just ubiquitous.

17:20I think there's a degree of tradition that comes with weddings and something classic about them anyway. So I think that's where people hearken to the idea of, I want it to be timeless. This is something we're going to be looking at generations ahead, and I want it to still feel cool and beautiful and something that I look at the photos and don't cringe at. I understand it from more that perspective, but you know what? Everything is a time capsule. I mean, there's a degree of, you know, people wanting to feel original and unique, but original and unique can often go along with what is popular at the time.

18:02As someone who writes and consults in the wedding industry, I don't know, have things gotten too extravagant and over the top?

18:10Jonquilyn Hill:Have we kind of lost sight of what's important? Yes and no. I think, you know, I'm a very big proponent of do you. And if you want to have a very extravagant wedding and you can reasonably afford it and, you know, make it work, great. Go for it.

18:34I think a degree of extravagance is okay on your wedding because when else are you going to have this big party? and, you know, all the people you love there. But at the same time, you know, do it within reason and, you know, keep it authentic as well.

18:58Jonquilyn Hill:Sometimes when you want to go big on authenticity, you have to go small. That's coming up.

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19:20Jonquilyn Hill:Jonklin, I think of you as the queen of answering questions. Oh my gosh, thank you. What question do you have for me today? Okay, talk to me about energy levels. Why is it that it's sometimes I feel total waves of exhaustion? So, like, you can't focus, you're falling asleep, that kind of thing? Exactly. And then at some points, I'm just totally fine. Why is that happening? and is there anything I can do to help it? Yeah, so the peaks and slumps throughout the day, we have all been there. So that's mostly because of our circadian rhythm. It's basically the cycle our body goes through in a 24-hour time period and it controls things like metabolism, hormones, and energy.

20:00Jonquilyn Hill:So that's like the reason I feel tired before bed and well-rested in the morning. It's our circadian rhythm. It's a totally natural biological response. So when I want to just close my eyes and put my head down on my desk. What can I do about that? According to my research, one of the best things you can do is get up and walk around. Get your blood flowing. Maybe call up a friend and grab a coffee or a tea. That sounds really nice right now. You want to go do it? Yeah. Yeah. Long story short, we all need moments throughout the day to refresh and Starbucks has you covered with their new energy refreshers.

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