#2898 The Valley S2E10: Sexy Unique Divorce Papers - Live from Hollywood

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1:49Ben Mandelker: Goodbye, Carl!

2:31Ben Mandelker: Hello Los Angeles Oh Los Angeles So nice to be back in a gluten friendly town Thank you so much for being here Thank you, thank you, thank you On the closing night of the Mounting Hysteria Tour

2:56We've had such a great fucking time on this tour and it's so great to end at home

3:02Ben Mandelker: I will say that tonight there will be hysteria and there might be mounting, so get excited Also, welcome to the darkest fucking show we've done I think this has to be the darkest episode we've covered since the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Holocaust episode that we did live. It's a great time. No, this tour has been so wonderful going across the country. We've seen a lot of Bravo celebrities along the way. We started off with Angie Kay coming to one of our shows. We had the crappies. But I feel like I've learned so much. I feel like I've learned a lot from you, Ronnie. Aw, man. For instance, I've been getting a lot of questions about this shirt tonight already and I'm proud to say this was purchased at Ross Dress for Less and furthermore my belt is from Old Navy actually I own that belt so yes thank you Ronnie for teaching me everything yes I love that I thought you were going to say Temu and watch you get slaughtered you can't say that around here It's not the right crowd for that.

4:14Yeah, we're a different breed here. My family, my sister and my nieces are here visiting from Texas. Love you. And my niece has like sinus issues. So she called her doctor who is in Texas. And it's so funny the difference between us and them. Like our doctor is like, oh my God. You know, they'll like sit there, calmly talk you through it. This was literally this guy. He's like, hey, you got a rash or something? What is it? Oh, sinuses. How old are you? 20. You know what you need? A break. What are you doing? Drinking every night? What, are you out there drinking? You partying? Is that what you're doing?

4:52What are you, limbo? Is that what you guys do now? What, are you twerking? What, are you twerking all night? Stop doing the shots, all right? Just relax. All right, go to bed. I want to talk to you while you're sleeping. Next time I talk, go to bed.

5:04Ben Mandelker: Go to sleep. Was the doctor Seth Marks? We were, he really sounded like that. What are we doing here? What's your body count? You got some anal going on with that? You spit? You swallow? Tell me. I'm like your dad. Talk to me like you're talking to your dad. No, but we are so excited you all are here. We have, especially because this is a hometown show for us. So I've got to shout out all my family and friends, including my wonderful boyfriend, Dominique, who is here tonight. I love Dominique. But it's also just great to be in a room of Bravo watchers because earlier today I was with a group of people who were all awesome and everything, and we were playing a game, and my role in the game was Bone Collector.

5:53Ben Mandelker: That was the name of my role. So I was like, hey, everyone, I'm Shrey Whitfield. I'm the Bone Collector. And everyone just stared at me silently. I was like, I'm just going to wait until later tonight. Yeah, years ago I did like a performance art show here, which I know. But it's the only way I can get away with doing like comedy or whatever. And so my piece was reading from Ramona Singer's autobiography. And I did it just like her. I was like, whoa, you know what? My name is Ramona Singer. I grew up in a family. And then, of course, I didn't read it before I got up there. And it's like, oh, I came from an abusive father.

6:34And I was like, oh. And then I'm stuck there Like doing this fucking cartoon voice With this woman doing a forward About being abused by her father You know what? That's just what happened, okay? Okay? You know what? That's it There's some spaghetti in my face I said boy, that's it, okay?

6:52Ben Mandelker: At the end of the day, it doesn't even matter Because I look young and Avery looks old, okay?

7:00There have been so many good Bravo stars over the years and we've been blessed to cover so many of them and meet so many of them at shows like this. And tonight is no exception. We got so lucky not only meeting this guy today, but we got him here on his hero edit of The Valley tonight.

7:23Ben Mandelker: The number one guy of the group, please welcome Zach Wickham.

7:54Ben Mandelker: Number one guy, right? Number one guy. Number one guy. Number one guy. You can take it out if you want to. You want to just hold it? Yeah, yeah. You know, the louder you say it The more it hurts Jax And we like that I almost wore A number one guy in the But then I was like, no We don't We don't want to give his merch any Well, that's true I think the only merch any of us are thinking about Are like a Jax's hat and a Jax's hitty So that we can all have something comfortable to do coke in Whatever he said, yes um zach so welcome to the show what a season you're having not only a season as ronnie mentioned the perfect zach week on the valley like i was yeah did anyone else feel so proud didn't it feel like our child grew up this week yeah uh during pride no less where's my graduation certificate i know i feel like i've graduated you have you graduated you had us you had a big scene where you went up against one of the biggest villains on Bravo, and you won.

9:05Ben Mandelker: And he ran away crying like a little bitch. That was my favorite part, actually, was him running away. Yeah. I will say, though, I've never understood the biggest villain on Bravo or the biggest villain thing for Jax because I've always confronted him and done this my entire life. He just was gone for the season, so I didn't have my chance. Aww. He was at an Airbnb somewhere. Yeah. Yeah. Do we have proof? I was like, I don't have, I asked Brittany, do we have a receipt? And she was like, I think there was a$30 ,000 bill. I don't remember. Girl, Brittany doesn't even know how to check her mortgage balance.

9:48Ben Mandelker: She ain't asking for receipts. I did her taxes on her house this year. So, well, it was like, it was a, hold on. Let me, I helped them with some paperwork or whatever. when it was like, after Jax dropped the ball and the ball was hidden. Well, he's never dropped an eight ball. No, he can juggle those quite well. So how are you enjoying being on the battle? You're now two seasons in. How is it feeling? How are you being received? What's it like? I mean, I feel like even in my normal life with people in general, I feel like I am one of those people that I'm an acquired taste. It takes people often when they meet me are like, this isn't real.

10:36Ben Mandelker: This is, what is this? I think that's how people are to tall people. Are you surprised that he's so tall? He's really tall. I didn't know he was tall. He's a tall drink of water is how tall he is. He's six foot ten. Handsome. How big are you? How tall are you? Six foot four. they're giving you the mr jefferson edit on that because you don't look tall on there they you know what sucks is like i'm like when jason jason's six two luke six almost like three so like most of the people that i'm well then i mean jesse and danny are like midget yeah maybe that's why they do it so maybe that i don't know but like i guess the tom cruise evening out where They only let me when I'm sitting down and that's the scene.

11:24That's so funny.

11:25Ben Mandelker: Everybody comes up to me at meet and greets or the bar and they're like, you're kind of tall. Yeah, you're so tall. That's what they do with Tom Cruise. And I'm like, that's the one thing I will fix next season. Everyone's going to know that I am taller than everybody. Yes, you are. You need to exercise your tall privilege. Yeah, that's some bullshit. Watch Mission Impossible. All those action stars are sitting down. Also, if you have tall privilege and you can't use it What is it there for? You know what I mean? What did my mom sit in birth for 36 hours for? Exactly By the way, I came out two feet Two feet?

12:02Ben Mandelker: Well, not out of her vagina, her stomach You just jumped out Get me away from this thing Yep, pretty much Gay from birth Why do I feel like you being birthed was like Oh my god, it was ridiculous in there stewie griffin like straight up like stewie griffin vote that was me in the womb was like i redecorated yeah disgusting 100 um so wait one thing that people may or may not know is that you used to be the personal assistant to some celebrities one first was nicole scherzinger correct yep oh wow congratulations seven years on and off How was that? It was an adventure. No, listen. So I've known Nicole since I was a kid.

12:55Ben Mandelker: Her little sister was one of my best friends growing up. And she's from Louisville, Kentucky. I know, crazy. Jennifer Lawrence, Nicole and me. Yeah, a trio. And, yeah. The sluggers. I would literally love to watch that movie. Nicole Scherzinger, Jennifer Lawrence, and Zach. I'm watching it. Trust me. I constantly told Nicole, I'm like, can we get some cameras in here? That's why, like, on Andy's radio show or whatever, she was like, Zach always talks. I'm like, number one, I don't always talk about reality TV or wanting to be on it, so let's correct that. It was, she always said, you need a reality show.

13:32Ben Mandelker: And I go, I know. And then you also were an assistant, not an assistant, but you worked for, and I honestly, this to me, I'm more starstruck by this. and I'm also more terrified by it, but you worked for Kelly Catrone. Yeah. Former Bravo star. Oh, damn. I hope all of the people that you were assistants for work in Sunset Boulevard because I would love to see Kelly Catrone just being like, I'm the greatest star of all. Cry outside, you stupid, stupid motherfucker. Get out of my mansion. I'm not going to lie. Kelly is one of the greatest, most kind and compassionate humans. I swear. I swear. I'm not even lying.

14:15Ben Mandelker: She's not paying me, I promise. Roll with it. No, but I swear. She's so good. But now, is she a hard ass? Is she all of those things? Absolutely. But I feel like we really connected, and we had a great report. I mean, we had a ball. We had a fun-ass time. Yeah, but you don't cry at work. You're not like a crier at work. I'm not a crier at work. I cry out of work. Yeah, like you should. That's what Kelly Catron was trying to teach us. Do you think you would have been able to fare so well on the valley if you had not had formative years under Kelly Catrone? Because I feel like that toughens you, right?

14:49Ben Mandelker: You know what? I'm going to have to give it up to Kelly and Nicole and, I'm not going to lie, LA in general, for really forming me and molding me into someone who can literally withstand and hold my own in any situation. Yeah. Thank you. So everyone go work for Nicole Scherzinger and Kelly Catrone and you'll be fine. Make Jesus great again. Okay, so I have to go. Wait, so who are you on good terms with in your cast?

15:25Ben Mandelker: Wow, that came out of nowhere. Who am I good terms with on my cast? I will say it went really silent. It got real. You all really calm down. waiting. I just heard like, like, I saw like lights with people like texting and then it went down immediately. And they were like, say it, Zach. Say it. Say it. We know what you want to say. I'll say this. There, we had the reunion early, as you all know, because Kristen and Nia were pregnant and now have babies. Yay! They're so beautiful. Kaya's amazing. I haven't met Nia's baby yet, but like, She named her baby Adelaide, which I think is... That's cute.

16:08That's a cute name. Cute.

16:10Ben Mandelker: But I pre-told her that I'm going to call this baby Addie, and that is what I call my Adderall. So I was like... Well, it would be fitting she is on this cast. I was like, girl, just know. Because before she was having the baby, she gave me, like, a bunch of names, and I kept going, nope, they're going to be made fun of. Here's the nickname that I would give them if I was bullying them. and like I literally went down a list of like how I would bully her child when it got older with the name she was giving it and so she did change it from what I bullied her out of I'm like what a nice name it's like guys and dolls you're like it's like Adelante so is there anyone that you're maybe a little bit on pause with?

16:56Ben Mandelker: See, I thought I did so good skirting that question. Yeah, so you filmed the reunion early. I gave you fucking narrative. I gave you behind-the-scenes shit that nobody knows. I'll go with your skirt then. Okay, so you filmed the reunion early. I'll just say, I'll just say. Was it difficult having already filmed the reunion, but then seeing all this shit happen? Because you guys hadn't seen all the episodes yet, right? When you filmed the reunion. No, we had seen all the episodes. Oh, okay. We had not seen. The audience is, huh. Wait, am I not supposed to say that shit? Bravo, I'm sorry. No, no, it's okay.

17:33Ben Mandelker: No, no, no, that's known, I think. Well, I mean, I guess it's not. No, we were, so right before the reunion, we were given the episode. We had to watch them. How can you have a reunion when you don't know what's going on? So we did see them. But what we did not see, I'm probably not supposed to be saying any of this. Whatever, I don't care. We didn't see the after show. Oh, yeah. Yeah, because you shoot the after show as... It all goes down on the after show. Bitch, that changes everything. Yeah, the after show is like a whole other experience. Most of the comments, I think, on all of the episodes are about the after show, the stuff that you've done on the after show.

18:12Ben Mandelker: Yeah. Yeah. Sure is. Well, it's great. And it's not, like, because I'm sitting, you know, now I've seen them, I'm like, oh, whatever. And like, oh, I'll watch the after show. and I'm sitting there and I'm like,

18:27wait, what?

18:28Ben Mandelker: No. No. No. And then I'm like, what do I do? I can't tweet that. I can't. I got to wait. I got to wait. Oh, wait, the reunion's over. Yeah, well, if you ever need to have a nice talk about it, you guys can come do a Zoom call with us and watch a crapping. That's right. Hash it out. We've been there before. Part two. I just want to say one thing before we wrap up with you is that I just want to say, I do not like the way the straight men talk to you on the show. And I feel like that deserves to be treated better by those guys.

19:02Ben Mandelker: I feel like they have the audacity sometimes because they're so insecure with them, their like own selves that they project and they just kind of fall back into those high school ways. But it's okay because it don't like, let me put it this way. nothing bothers me Jesse like sent a message the other day which Jesse and I are well okay fine we're cool um but he sent me a message and was like hey I didn't realize I said that like I'm really sorry about like the throwing off the cliff and I go bitch I laughed and I was like and if I had the chance they probably cut the part where I said I would like have thrown you off something like it's it's okay like that's part of whatever but um I feel like they feel they really regress into this, this like high school mentality.

19:51Ben Mandelker: And yeah, I just don't fuck with that though. And so like they can do whatever they want to me, but like I'm still going to be here. Yeah. Listen, as a famous gay once said, sticks and stones may break my bones, but I will always read you. Now listen, before you go, I feel like we should have like a little toast. Should we, do we have someone who can bring us out some beer? Oh wait, we have someone here. Oh yes. Young lady. Oh my god, it's Hannah from Below Deck Med. Jun Jun Hannah. Jun Jun Hannah.

20:37Ben Mandelker: Everyone give it up for Hannah, one of our favorite Chief Steves of all time. Hi.

20:46Ben Mandelker: Thanks for keeping me entertained while I'm home with the baby. I'm going to get in so much trouble for this interview, y 'all. What a great crowd. Anna, it's so good to have you here. I love you. All right. I love you. It's always so good seeing you. I saw that you were at dinner with Captain Sandy, you, and Aisha. How was that? It was very good. And Nadine, our amazing showrunner. It was good. Yeah? Yeah. You and Sandy getting along these days? We are. We are. I think we've both chilled out a little bit. That's good. So is there any chance you'll end up back? I don't think so. I don't think I could sleep in those little bunks anymore.

21:30Ben Mandelker: I've got like a California king at home. What about traitors? Would you do traitors? I think I'd do traitors. Yeah. With me? Yeah. Let's do it together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we'll be the traitors and just kill everyone. No one will know we have an alliance except watch what crap happens. Just the few hundred people that are here. You can just pour it in. All right, everyone. Cheers to an amazing tour. Thank you both for coming on. Thank you. Love you. Love you, Zach. Love you, babe. Cheers. Thank you, and cheers, everyone. Thank you both for coming. Zach and Hannah. Also, fuck Jax. I just had to say it Fuck Jax Yes Thank you so much I'm going to give this to you to bring backstage Just bring it backstage Oh I was like you want me to continue Thank you so much everyone That's very brassy Thank you Oh here you want me to hand it down Wow Actually that was a great idea and Hannah stole my opening line I would love to just start this recap out by saying fuck jacks one two three fuck jacks thank you you never say it too much feel so much better saying that with a whole group of people oh my god it's time for a commercial it's time for a crappin's commercial you know those pieces in your closet ronnie that you find yourself wearing on repeat the sweater that goes with everything, the perfect pair of pants or the tee, you somehow always reach for first.

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23:46Versatile layers designed to keep you warm and comfortable all season long.

23:50Ben Mandelker: Everything at Quince is priced 50 to 80 % less than similar brands. They work directly with ethical factories and cut out the middlemen. So you're paying for high quality, not brand markup. I have the Mongolian cashmere zip up hoodie, and it's the best thing I own. I'm so excited that the temperatures are dropping so I can start wearing that again. Find your next fall favorites at Quince. Download the Quince app for app exclusive offers or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns now available in Canada and the UK too. And when Quince asks where you heard about them, let them know it was Watch What Crappens.

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25:07Ben Mandelker: And is delivered to your door in as little as seven days. Start your GLP-1 journey today at Noom.com. That's N-O-O-M dot com. Initial one-month subscription from$39 plus tax and$99 plus tax per month thereafter. Cost of medication not included. Final pricing depends on program selection. Results based on a January 2026 analysis of 14 ,203 NoomGLP1RX program members who logged weight over a 40-week period. Higher app engagement was associated with greater weight loss at 16 weeks. Well, first of all, to all the husbands, thank you so much for being here. Yep. Yep. You do not have to stay. If you need to go watch your balls being thrown, feel free to go into that back bar.

25:54But thank you for being here and being such supportive husbands because we know you all are. We've met you. And they're like, my husband will watch it with me. And I'm like, God bless you. I'll give you a child.

26:05Ben Mandelker: That was such an exciting way to start for us. And what I love is that now we get to recap one of the best episodes of the year. Yes. It's going to be a fun one. This is going to be long. So if you need to pee, feel free to go pee. Just don't talk in each other's ears. Okay, are you ready? Let's do it.

26:26watermelon bicycle

26:27Ben Mandelker: red leather yellow leather red leather yellow leather previously on the valley hi it's me Sheena Shea I spent three million dollars to move to the valley and get to be on the show

26:46Ben Mandelker: no you don't want me no anyways guys I finally did it. I left Jazzy. Oh, that's cool, Michelle. That's awesome. Guys, I did it. I finally left Giants. Yes, finally. Someone finally gets divorced around here. Oh my God. Yes, best divorcing person ever. Here we go. Mariposa. Okay, you know what? So I threw a coffee table and broke a few walls. I mean, why should I have to go to rehab? I mean, you're ruining my life, you Nutrisystem succubus. You're a cocaine addict. There, I said it. You're a coke addict. But I'm only a coke addict on the weekends. It doesn't count. Get out. Hey, guys. It's me. It's Jax.

27:43Ben Mandelker: I'm in a mental health facility right now because I want to be a better person. It's just like, ah. Like, by the way, you should come down and see my bar. We can take some shots, talk about mental health. I'm a good person now. Bloop. I just got a text from Drax. Listen here, you clown-fuzz minotaur. I've been in rehab for ten minutes after throwing furniture at you, and you can't even visit me or bring me coke. What the fuck kind of wife are you? Hey, that's not nice. I'm taking Mamaw's beer cheese out of your bar. Um, Danny, you got drunk at a bar, grabbed my ass, made me call you daddy and then tried to take a big bite out of my throat while screeching like a walking dead zombie yeah i did you like that no no that was disgusting oh i'm sorry i'm so sorry i don't remember a thing three under three i got three under three baby Guys, it's me, neighbor and friend Sheena Shea.

28:46It's Sheena's famous enchilada night. You want to shoot a scene about it?

28:54Ben Mandelker: Hey, guys. To celebrate Michelle cheating on an innocent man and ruining his life, I'm finding you all to stay in a house in Santa Barbara. Ah, cool. Does she know about you calling her a whore in the gosh chat? Whoops How dare you? I am the mother of your child Women, right? Janet, let's celebrate being in Santa Barbara by calling a truce I'm completely over it, Zach I'm just glad you could apologize for saying that you wanted to murder my unborn child Um, no, I didn't say that And then tying me up and putting me in the trunk of your car I did not say that And then digging a hole in your backyard and trying to bury me alive Um, that's too far I don't have upper body strength for digging Just say you're sorry, Zach Okay, sorry Thank you I taped this so I can play it to my child Who is still very uncomfortable Jesus Christ Guys, I have to tell you something really, really dark about Dark Side Danny I was in the closet looking for stuff to make casseroles and Dark Side Danny came in and took a secret Dark Side Danny chug of Dark Side Danny tequila and Dark Side Danny made me very, very Dark Side hold on, wait for it uncomfortable oh no Oh, no.

30:29By the way, is anybody called Jax? I really miss that guy. What a good person. We need to get him back here.

30:35Ben Mandelker: Hey, guys. Here I am in rehab, thinking about all the things I've done wrong. And like, oh, I could list them all here, but I forgot what they were. And if I did them, it's only because Brittany made me do them. Anyway, I'm just so grateful. I mean, just that I'm a changed man now. Bloop. Yo. Oh, Jax is texting me.

31:02You dumb hooker. I've got cameras in the Santa Barbara house and I can see everything your stupid faces do. Don't even go to bed tonight, because you know what? I'm under the bed. I'm under the bed. I'm eating your foot right now. You taste like a chicken wing.

31:20Ben Mandelker: You know, Janet, I really miss that guy. I'm going to call Jax, yeah. Zuck. Jonna's telling everyone your husband is an alcoholic. That's not very nice. Oh, yeah? She wants to mess with my best friend? Well, her husband doesn't wear his wedding ring when he does the dishes at night. Guys, guys. Jax comes out of rehab tomorrow, so let's change the name of Jax's for a night to Brit's so she can know what it's like to run a sad, run-down, makeshift bar in a parking lot tent for a day. Y 'all, y 'all are so sweet. You were the best friends a girl could ever have. Bloop. Oh, God, I just got another text message from Jax.

32:06I just had to check into a hospital with high blood pressure, high pretension, rickets, restless leg syndrome, alopecia, halitosis, blephoplastia, and Sids. Now will someone please shoot a scene with me? Oh, this is from Sina. This is just from Sina.

32:33Ben Mandelker: Corner! And scene.

32:40Ben Mandelker: Now you're all caught up. So it's the return of Jax.

32:50the home goods finally made Jax get off of whatever couch he's been sleeping on for three weeks does anybody believe Jax was in rehab

33:05Ben Mandelker: I'm loving this audience tonight I really feel like we're at a town hall talking about whether or not to build a highway through town what do we want fields what do we not want highways It's great. Keep it up. So we start with Brittany, and she's playing with Cruz, and they're playing with an alphabet puzzle. And I was like, who's learning?

33:35Ben Mandelker: I like when we can both learn together. We can just learn together. Bless her heart. Hey, Jax is coming out of the facility today And I'm extremely nervous about it And I've had to do a little bit of peace Knowing that he was in there and I was safe But now, now I'm not safe So then we get Jesse Picking up Jax from rehab And it's a Denny's It's just a Denny's So Jax gets in And Jesse's like, wow man I'm like so proud of you Like just listen From one emotionally abusive narcissist To another Good for you. I mean, what have you been in that hoodie for 30 days? Have you ever changed out of that hoodie?

34:20Ben Mandelker: Thanks, bro. I just got my 30-day token. That's a piece of Joe Bazooka gum, but we'll accept it. Okay, good. You snorted your token. He's like, yeah, I did it. I mean, you know, I didn't think I was going to be able to do it. But then when I remembered I wasn't actually in rehab, I was able to do it. So it's great. Jesse actually tells him, oh, you're a 30-day chip? Wow, you better keep that on you at all times. Oh, he will. Trust me. He will wield that at any chance. How could you be mean to me? 30 days. Listen, I got, you know what? I got a lot of feelings because, you know, I know I'm walking into a shit storm, but, you know, it's all about how I handle it.

35:03Ben Mandelker: You know, my anger has just been such an issue all my life, but it's all about how you handle the anger. Not a problem at all for me. I went to rehab. Totally fine. He's like, you know what? I really like rehab because I felt safe in there. I felt safe. No one could hurt me in rehab. I mean, I could hurt them, but there's only so many nurses. I got kind of bored. Looking great, Jax. He literally says, I just don't want to go back to my old ways because it's very easy to slip. and then it cuts him directly going to like, man, I own back some serious shit, some serious, serious stuff, stuff I'll take to the grave with my mother.

35:45Ben Mandelker: And guess what? Who visited me? No one. I mean, I'm crying nonstop there. It was just one thing after another. I mean, this right up there with my father's death, everything in life is tough. For a moment, you might think he's being like introspective, except this is a script that he then uses for the rest of the episode. And also, just for those of you without any kind of addiction problems, First of all, you must be fun at parties. Remind me who not to sit next to tonight. But the other thing is, you don't get visitors in rehab. Yeah, that's what was weird to me. Has anybody considered that?

36:24I haven't seen that at all. How is it even normal that you're asking for visitors in rehab?

36:31Ben Mandelker: I was wondering about that. I was like, I haven't been to rehab, but I thought you'd just get isolated from the world. Anyway, it's Jack's rehab, so who knows? Yeah, I mean, I'm poor, so you know, my help has always been like Salvation Army style, but still. Okay, that got dark. Welcome. Welcome to the next five hours of your life. I know. So Jack's is, somehow he's managing to blame other people for this right away. He's like, you know what? I was just never, I was never held accountable for my actions. Yeah. That's it. Nobody, you know, nobody ever held me accountable. I'm so glad you guys have to do it, because certainly nobody else in my life is going to do it.

37:11Jesus Christ, count on a fucking woman to do it. That's for fucking sure.

37:15Ben Mandelker: Let me tell you something, Brohan. The days of no one taking you accountable are over. Okay, can we start with your blush? I mean, if you're Jax's true friend, and you're going to hold his ass accountable, be like, are we contouring now? What the fuck are you, Lego man? Stop. What are you doing? You're making yourself look like more of a meth head. Listen, no, no, no, no, no The accountability starts today And no one's going to hold you more accountable Than me, so if you want to complain about Britney right now, I will not say a word Continue So Jax, of course, is like, I'm not making excuses I'm not making excuses, man I'm not making excuses, you know, it's just like, what the fuck Why is everybody making me do drugs all the time It's like fucking crazy So Jesse's like, look No one's going to give you a break Everyone understands what's going on, but everyone's also hurting is like, nobody's hurting.

38:07Ben Mandelker: They're all partying. If you're all hurting, they would have come to visit me. You know who came to visit me? Not one fucking person. Not even my wife of 10 years. Not even my wife. And to top it off, I found out that she had a party at my bar last night, and she called it Brits. I mean, the night before I get out of rehab. Now, admittedly, if this had been Countess Luanne saying this, it would be hilarious. Could you believe it? They had a party in my cabaret. the night after I got out of rehab. Can you even believe it? And not a single person visited me. Literally anybody else saying it would have been funny.

38:44You know what? I mean, how could you do that to me? I spend a few days in rehab, and then I find out that they're having a party at my bar and calling it Brits? I don't even know who that is. Who's that person? When did I get a bar?

38:57Ben Mandelker: Well, what's going on? So you're going to just have a party at my bar while I'm in rehab? That's what you're going to do? You're just going to call it Brits instead of Bethany's? Okay, that's the cheetah brand right there. That's the cheetah bar. Cheetah bar. Cheetah bar. Cheetah bar. You're a slut. You're a slut. Stupid cheetah bar. Go back to rehab. You're a stupid person. Oh, wait. Throw yourself off a duck. Wait, by the way. All right, let's try it. This chicken salad is good. This chicken salad is good. Hold on. The pia cheese. Let's take the pia cheese. It could use some more. It could use some more.

39:21That's good. That's good. Okay. So. So.

39:30So Jax is doing his whole. You know, it's tough. I mean, it's not easy, you know? You try to do the right thing. You know me, Jax, the guy who tries to do the right thing constantly. Always. You try to be a good father. I mean, I told my kid, like, you want to learn what it's like to be a man? Good, I'm kicking you out of the house at three years old. What's your name again? Learning how to use fucking Airbnb, you little douchebag.

39:54Ben Mandelker: So he comes to the house, and he looks, and he sees all his stuff in trash bags. Which, I mean, I'm still laughing. Yes, yes. I'm still laughing at Kristen putting one shoe in one trash bag and one or the other. It was just so perfect. So he's going through seeing this. He's like, I'm not going to, you know what? Like she can't keep everything in here. Like I got brand new everything. You know, like I'm not going to take her dishes. I'm not going to take her cups. Wow. Fucking generous, Jax. Thanks, Jax. I'm even going to give her my fucking$20 ,000 love sack couch. Was anybody else surprised that he has a love sack couch?

40:31I'm sorry. I've been into that store. Those couches are very comfortable. And for$20 ,000, they better come with a team of whores on them to please me. $20 ,000.

40:42Ben Mandelker: So Jax is like, you know what? I'm doing this all for my son, okay? I'm not taking anything from this home. I'm going to do it for my son as soon as I get my haircut, as soon as I get my Botox, as soon as I go tape an episode of Watch What Happens Live. I'm doing it for my son. What's his name again? you know on um i read on reddit because you know i ain't watching that shit but when he was on watch what happens live they they apparently brought up his uh going to get a haircut and stuff and he's like what i was trying to look good for my son what is this is this like she's all that is jackson to come down a staircase to like kiss me he was ridiculous on watch what happens live i i watch it and this is every just ask a question ronnie any just ask me any question all right she's got boobs and he loves lube it's jacks okay jacks what do you think about algebra what do you think about it you know what like algebra like you know i'm trying like you know it's hard with all those letters but it's my control issues and i'm working on numbers and And it's just like, I apologize.

41:53Ben Mandelker: I was a crazy person during algebra. But now I'm totally down with X's and Y's. It's great. Yeah, I'm totally different. Everything was that. Every single thing. I saw clips of them every time they asked a question to America. It's like, America, who do you hate the most? You know, Hitler or, you know, Jax. It's like 100 % Jax. Fuck Jax. so you know there's a lot going on in the country right now but it was one moment where i think i could watch tv and say i'm proud of us yeah america did two things like there were two things that brought america together this week there was us voting on those polls and there was us voting to recouple jeremiah with iris good job america we still have it in us so jacks is going on It's me.

42:47Ben Mandelker: Jax is still going on a rant. So he's like, he's doing this all for the child. And then he says, I mean, no woman needs a five bedroom house. I mean, you are a woman with a child. You should be living in a cave with some dust on the floor and be happy about it. And Jesse's like, okay, well, you know, like she did mention the mortgage thing. And he's like, oh yeah, paid it off. Yeah, paid it off. Paid it off. You did not fucking pay it off. Well, he says he paid off the mortgage, and then Jesse's like, well, I heard you didn't. He goes, oh, well, I stopped paying it off. You know, when I found out about Julian, because I stopped paying our bills, I was like, great.

43:24Ben Mandelker: I hope the house goes into foreclosure. What sort of revenge plan is that? It's your house. I'm going to fuck up my entire life. You're going to cheat on me? Well, guess what? I'm going to make sure I lose my house.

43:40So just let me keep the golf cart, because you know he's going to still be in that golf. He'll be homeless. He doesn't care. He'll still be in that golf cart taking TikToks of himself like it's a good day not to have a house. So Jesse is like do you know about my party tomorrow? And he's like am I invited? Because I better be fucking invited because you're my friend. You're nobody else's friend. You're my friend. I'm coming to the house. I don't give a fuck. He's like it's for like Benji's deportation. We're trying to find something to rhyme with deportation, so I'm not really sure that you're the best fit for this party.

44:17Ben Mandelker: Awkward week for this party, I'm going to say. So he's like, oh, there's a party? Well, I'm going to go. He's like, well, it's Zach's party. He's like, well, I'm going to go. I thought it was rich that Jax wanted to crash this party when he is the one who loves to disinvite and block people from his parties. And now he's just going to walk in like it's his own shit. I was like, no, sir, you will not be doing that. blocked by Frank Dreven.

44:44So he's like, yeah, you know, I just got to rehab. So I want to go. I deserve to go to a fucking party with alcohol and drugs.

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48:15So now we get Zach in the car calling Jasmine and he's like, oh my god Jasmine, you're not going to believe what's happening to me right now. I'm driving to the airport for Bungie. I would only do that because I'm a good person. It shows you what a good boyfriend I am. Remember when you picked me up at the airport three episodes ago? Let's show it. Roll the clip.

48:37Ben Mandelker: Roll the clip. This scene was painful for me only because I just watched him going down La Cienega Boulevard and went one inch over the course of the entire scene. I was like, we've all been there. We've all been there. Girl, my sister was like, I'm going to come see your last show. I'm looking for, there's no nonstop flight. I think this one has three stops. Do we have to go to Burbank? I'm like, you're not my sister unless you come to Burbank. I don't care if you take a fucking bus from Austin. I will not be driving to LAX. It hurts. So then we go over to Aaron's house. Aaron is the honey maven.

49:17Ben Mandelker: Maven, okay. Whoa. Who Michelle met at Runyon Canyon.

49:28Aaron. This is Aaron. He looks like a gay guy that someone's throwing a ball to. He's like...

49:44Ben Mandelker: Aaron and Isabella's relationship is incredible. I never dreamt of anything like this. He wakes up and they go outside. and then they come back inside. It's beautiful. That was kind of odd, the things that they do. She's like, yes, they get up together, and then they go into the yard, and they walk on the grass, and they look at the flowers. It is everything I have ever wanted. Go shopping, you know? It's like your stepdaughter. Go do something. Here's grass. Aaron's like, is it weird that I would live here with Isabella? She's like, no. No, Isabella's my other girlfriend. Oh. My name is Jenna.

50:35Jenna's still trying. She's like trying to climb over the fence. Jenna.

50:38Ben Mandelker: Oh, God. Jenna showed up again this episode. They even gave her her name. I was like, oh, Jenna's going to do it. She's going to do her big one. No, it didn't happen. She keeps trying. It's like an audition, but she never quite makes it. She's always getting kicked off of Hollywood Week. And then they're like, it's Hollywood Week again. It's already been Hollywood Week 10 times. Get rid of Jenna. I can't take any more. Jenna, someone wrote in a comment That Jenna was the one who cheated With, he cheated Wait, James cheated on Kristen with Jenna Oh jeez So Jenna's been working for a long time Damn, you did all that work And were left out of all the Scandaball press That's just hard Give Jenna something That's hard, throw her a bone So Michelle starts talking about How we know her mom is dying And she's saying that Jesse won't even Let Isabella go see the mother while she's dying.

51:29What the fuck? Who does that?

51:32Ben Mandelker: It's just amazing how many different ways the guys could be terrible on this show. Yeah. Jesse is really skating by having Jax on this show. Because this happened and everyone's like, whatever. Fuck you, Jax. We can run over multiple people. Just make the bus big enough. Make it big enough. So then we go over to the smokehouse. Speaking of Burbank. Woo! Smokehouse. By the way, I did go to the Valley today. I just want everyone to know. I know people. You what? I went to the Valley today. Oh, well, congratulations, Ben. Wow, stepping down. I wanted to get ready for the show. I was like, let's see what it feels like here in the Valley in the sun.

52:10Ben Mandelker: I wanted to see what it was like. 15 degrees hotter. Six degrees hotter, yeah. Yeah. So, of course, their restaurant is called The Smokehouse. They cannot stop doing drugs even to go eat. Like, Jesus Christ. So Jason and Danny get there first Because this is the welcome back Jack's Dinner and Jason's like Hey bro, I just want to say Danny I got your text, but we're not good right now But tonight's about Jack's So we can pretend to be good, but we're not good Oh no, the dockers are mad Oh no Oh wait, I got a text Janet says you also are not getting any casserole Sorry So Jason is like Yeah, at Brit's bar, Dark Side Danny Was drunk again drunk, drunk, drunk.

52:54A person on the valley was drunk, drunk. Get all those people from the house, because the person from the valley was drunk, drunk. Get him is drunk. Shut the fuck up. You're all fucking alcoholics and drug addicts. I don't want to hear it from you. You have to have at least been drunk once you married Janet.

53:15Ben Mandelker: So, more of the guys show up. Jack shows up and they give him a round of applause like he just came back from war. They're like, he's changed so much uh guys i'm like the best i've ever been in my life like it was just so fucking amazing i just came out i felt this weight lifted off my shoulder yeah i'm still the same hoodie and hat i don't know if anybody's noticed but uh yeah you know i was spiraling guys i was spiraling it was so bad i was just such a bad person god it's good to be a good person again god danny have you always been this fucking short you fucking alcoholic what the fuck is wrong with you loser.

53:47Ben Mandelker: Alright guys, guys I learned something, okay? I learned that drinking and drugs are not the problem, okay? It's deep rooted issues that's my way of saying I'm still gonna drink and do drugs I'm not drinking at dinner now, but I drank a lot before I got here I want you guys to hold me accountable and by hold me accountable, I want you to say nothing and let's just have some steak. Am I right, bros? Yeah, I'm not gonna sit here and tell you I'm not gonna drink I'm just not going to get shit-faced. You know what I mean? But I'm not going to stop drinking. Why would I do that? It's crazy. You know what happens if you don't drink and you do coke?

54:21You feel like you're having a fucking heart attack. Right?

54:25Ben Mandelker: So then this guy, Dave, who is Jax's business partner. Good luck, Dave. This fucking guy. Dave, okay. He's like, wait a second, everyone. My name's Dave and I've got something to say. Jax went away for 30 days and you guys hijacked the bar. Okay, we gotta talk about what happened last night We have to talk about it Oh, I'm sorry, Dave Were you the person who filled in a parking lot Put up a tent and let Jack sell some beer there? Wow Have we hurt you, Dave? Shut the fuck up, Dave You're too old for this crew, Dave Nobody gonna fuck you just because you're standing by the coke head, okay? Go try and get laid like everybody else Wear some risers And pretend you're a producer of something I mean he certainly had no problem accepting the cash for those drinks so Danny's like well I didn't hijack his bar and Jack says well you may not have hijacked my bar but you partaked

55:26tell me you've been with Brittany too long I mean why would you do this the day before I came out the day before someone comes out of a mental health facility that's what you fucking do you came out of a mental health facility after fucking throwing a coffee table at somebody while your child was in the house, while you were in a... You don't get a fucking Nobel Peace Prize for being put away, you ape. What's he talking about? I love this. Like, how could you do this? Me, the victim.

55:57Ben Mandelker: So then Jax is like, oh, so wow, tell me about Santa Barbara because I heard Danny, whoa, I heard you were blacking out. You were crazy, man. Oh, you're a bad drinker. You're a bad, bad drinker. You gotta take care of that. You're Dark Side Danny. You got to take up that drinking. But by the way, guys, drinking and drugs is not the cause of anything. Yeah. And Jason actually starts this because Jason's like, yeah, Santa Barbara was really fucking great with Dark Side Danny. And Danny's like, what? What were we talking about? What did I even do? Danny went up after drinking and was like, Janet, why are you so mean?

56:33She's like, how dare you? I'm so attacked. Call the police. Call the police. I am being screamed at by a male Call the police Hashtag me too Hashtag me too Janet

56:50By the way, I'm so sorry for the side of the stage. I can fit in a size large when I'm standing now, but not when I'm sitting. So my whole bottom of my hairy ass is hanging out there, and there's nothing else I can do. I'm so sorry. You guys are union. You can take it. But you guys, I'm so sorry.

57:08Ben Mandelker: So Jesse, Jesse's like, guess what, guys? We don't call him Dark Side Danny anymore. And Jason goes, I'll do it. Jesse goes no we call him Pantry Danny And Jason's like no I still call him Darkside Danny I was like wow a real Battle of the burns here Docker's coming through with a burner So Danny's like I wasn't even close to Blacked out I don't know what you were talking about I knew exactly what I was doing when I was Confronting Janet about being a horrible fucking Karen I don't know what you want me to say about it And Jason's like you're in such denial. It's insane, dude. Do you know how long Janet had to sit in our mini ball pit and apologize to our traumatized child?

57:52Ben Mandelker: She was so upset she hit her head three times on our low-hanging hood in the kitchen. She put an extra egg in the casserole. It was so stiff. So Jax is like, well, you know, maybe drinking is the problem for you, you know? I mean, for me, my issue is anger. I think it's a little bit more than that So Danny's like whoa whoa whoa Things are getting blown out of proportion I'm not an alcoholic or anything Five more shots please under the table Thank you very much Yeah so now they all start jumping on Danny For being an alcoholic while they're sitting With Jax And Jesse frankly I mean Jesse's eyes are always like dimes Not a one of you doesn't do this shit Janet you know Janet's a wasted fucking mess Off of this show You know she is I would have asked Zach if I knew we weren't going to get in trouble I like that Jesse comes with his own cup holder in his hair That little hair dent, just put a cup right in there And he's good to go So now they're all, and especially Jax And Jax loves this, he's like, yeah You know, sounds like you have a problem Maybe you need to get some rehab, bro Maybe it's you, maybe you have some anger issues Right, right Right guys, right And then Jax, of course, tells us.

59:10He's like, yeah, I'm just happy it's not just me. This is fucking great. Sorry, Danny.

59:16Ben Mandelker: So now it's time to go over to Jesse's house for Bungie's welcome party. Bungie! Welcome home, Bungie! And most importantly, we get to see a prolonged shot of Chris and Doty trying to figure out doorknobs. Oh, I always get this wrong. Oh, wait, hold on. I figured it out. Oh! Uh, seriously? Wait, hold on. Uh, uh, uh. Door doesn't work. It's a wall. Kristen, it looks like an action scene every time Kristen's in. She's just standing there at the door, but it looks like she's riding up on a horse. She's like. It looks like she got stuck in a hurricane. She's holding on to the knobs for dear life. Whoa.

1:00:03Ben Mandelker: And then we see, by the way, as everyone comes to the party, every single other person uses the correct knob and just walks in. But she's like, how do I do it? No, they can't do it either because it's one of those houses, it's very typical here, like in old Spanish where they're like, we want to keep the Spanish doors, but the knobs don't work. Just put another knob. So there's one knob and then there's some newfangled thing no one knows how to open. And you know it's one of those where you probably have to lift an inside handle and then turn it clockwise and turn it to the other way for it to fucking lock.

1:00:29They confuse us on purpose. I'm standing up for everyone confused by doors. It needed to be said.

1:00:37Ben Mandelker: So people are arriving. People are doing shots. It's fun times. Uh-oh, uh-oh. Warning. Uh-oh. Janet is very uncomfortable. Janet's like, it is so uncomfortable with Danny and Nia. My child has trauma. So she's like, I'm trying to just be like, okay, all right. They're here. We're here. They're here. I cannot wait to tell them off through Jason's voice. So Brittany is talking to us, and she's saying she's nervous that Jax might show up, but she's like, but I'm pretty sure he's not coming. And she's telling us that Jax, since he got out of rehab, has not reached out at all about seeing Cruz, and we see a montage of Jax getting a haircut, Jax getting Botox, Jax going out to the smokehouse.

1:01:31Jack's at a meeting with Ulta with whoever did those cheekbones, because my God.

1:01:36Ben Mandelker: It's like a Norman Rockwell painting. So Zach's like, oh my God. Okay, so they put up this sign that says, Benji, deported, not departed.

1:01:50Did Watch What Happens Live write this sign? Where did this sign come from? So they're like, oh my God, it's a surprise party for Benji. Let's put it right at the front door when Benji walks in. I know. So Zach's like, Benji, come up the stairs. Don't even try the doorknobs. You'll immediately go home. I'm telling you right now, you do not want to fuck with that doorknob. Okay.

1:02:11Ben Mandelker: He's like, here it comes, the big surprise. Okay, these people are idiots. What am I doing on this show? So Janet and Nia. Nia pulls Janet to have a conversation after everyone meets Benji and everything. I would really like to have clarity with you about what you're saying about Daniel. because I don't really understand. Okay. I just, okay, I want to be like really real with you.

1:02:40Ben Mandelker: This makes me uncomfortable. She's like a fish on the hook sometimes. Did you guys know that she was Raquel Rachel's beauty pageant trainer?

1:02:52Girl, it makes sense, doesn't it? How could you do this to me? You really hurt me.

1:03:00Ben Mandelker: Okay, I want to be really real with you, Nia. I did speak negatively about Daniel behind his back because I thought his actions were horrible. And look, I'm sorry that this happened. Horrible? Yes, horrible. Horrible? Horrible? How could you say that word? Horrible? But at the same time, if your husband is going to a bar and he's attached a keg to his back and is just chugging the entire time, that's unacceptable. Horrible. She's like, yeah, and he got blacked out And he made a fool and made women uncomfortable And it's going to get talked about And, you know, if it's still concerning you Then maybe you should worry about drug addiction And alcoholism because I'm very uncomfortable right now Janet's like, you're always trying to Sweep things under the rug I'm like, we've seen their apartment, there's no room left To sweep things under that rug At this point, you just hope a baby Crawls off the couch on accident Then you drag it by the onesie And kind of drag it across the floor a little bit and get a little spot cleaned up at a time.

1:03:56Just aim the baby spew at a spot that it could possibly clean up with a... Three under three.

1:04:06Ben Mandelker: So they don't get anywhere with this discussion. So everyone retreats to their corners. So Nia's talking to Danny and saying it's not great. And then Janet's like, you know what, Jason? I talked to her and I was like, you know what, your husband's a drunk out here sexually assaulting women. I was like, whoa. Okay. Listen, no one's going to stand up for Danny going and getting wasted and saying, call me daddy and grabbing asses, okay? No. But sexually assaulting women. Janet, come back. Come back to the five and dime, Janet Hick. Janet Hick. But I like that Nia stood up for herself in this. She was like, wait a minute.

1:04:41You better watch out for the way you talk to me. I'm very upset. I'm going to flick through my phone angrily. She's like, Daniel, I see you've got a crumb on your face. you better get that fucking crumb on your face. You're making me look like an idiot on TV.

1:04:53Ben Mandelker: I feel like every time Nia gets mad, she just goes on to the Food Network website and looks at recipes. She's so mad. She's like, hmm, bread pudding, roast turkey. Gianna can do so much with just like a grilled salmon. I feel like Nia's the person who gets the air fryer magazine at the newsstand. You know what I'm talking about? You're like, what is... You know that we've read that air fryer magazine. We talked about it. I bought that Airfire magazine, and that's not even a lie.

1:05:29So, yeah, so Janet's just tattletaling to Jason, and Jason's like, I'm going to tell on her. Is the crease in my pants straight? So Janet's like, yeah, Nia knows that Danny has a problem. And you know, she's always pulling him out of everything until he gets to that point. Well, I mean, I don't know if she's in denial or hiding the truth, but he's a different guy when he drinks. Everyone's a different guy when they drink, Janet. This is the only one who drinks and becomes man enough to tell you to shut the fuck up. This is the first person on this show that I'm like, this guy needs to drink more.

1:06:07Ben Mandelker: So outside, Jax shows up. So here he comes. And the doors try their best to keep him out. The door's like, he cannot open those doors. unfortunately, he did not partake in the tutorial on how to open those doors. But he comes in, and everyone's like, oh my God, it's Jax, it's Jax, oh my God, it's Jax, oh my God. Jax is just like, whatever, where's your water? I mean, where's there something without alcohol? And there's vodka here? Where's that? So he starts doing his script with Kristen. He's like, you know what, Kristen? I did a little self-care. I went, got my hair cut, got a little Botox, you know, did stuff like that.

1:06:47Ben Mandelker: You know, like therapy. I'm doing a lot of therapy. It brought up a lot of stuff about my dad, my life, stuff I thought I was going to take to the grave. You know what I'm saying? Is that slut-fucking bitch you're my wife? No? Anyway. Okay. You can, like, look me in the eye.

1:07:04Ben Mandelker: Can anyone look Kristen in the eye? Seriously? It's like a moving target. Look me in the eye, I dare you.

1:07:13It's like when they pull you over and they're like, follow this light.

1:07:21Ben Mandelker: So, Jax is doing this whole thing of like, look, I just want to get my hair cut because I want to be healthy for Tom Cruise. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. He's like, yeah, and I have anger issues. Like, severe, severe. You know who my new drug is? Anger and sobriety. I love doing sobriety. Did you see his poster? He's like, guys, my new form of drug now, sobriety. Oh, God. so then um uh nia starts asking jesse how everything's going and uh she's like look michelle i was talking to michelle and she was really like sad that you're not letting isabella see her mom for a week so jesse does this whole thing like well of course i want isabella to see michelle's mom it's just that she doesn't know about death so we have to sit her down and teach about death first.

1:08:11Ben Mandelker: No, you don't. No, you don't. Bring her to grandma's and be like, grandma's under the weather and let them have a fun time. Grandma's dying.

1:08:20You're done. Okay, look. If you need more sensitive help than that, just say, oh my God, you wanted Monopoly. Here's a goldfish. Your goldfish died. Now it's in heaven.

1:08:32Ben Mandelker: Here's what you do. You give Isabella some ayahuasca. let her go on a journey with Scott your life counselor she'll be fine no kid learns how to deal with death until somebody dies and kids aren't even like oh my god they're dead they're just like grandma's dead ew what does that mean she smells like I know be quiet stop saying stuff like does she still have candy for no stop saying that it's a funeral. Do we get her stuff? Shut up! Jesse starts doing the, I had no idea how sick her mom is. He's trying to make his eyes cry and he's trying to do that sniffle thing. This is a lot for me. What if I want her to meet the girl from Orange County's mom?

1:09:22Ben Mandelker: What about then? It's like, no, Jesse. He just wants to be able to sit down. He's also trying to get time with Michelle so they can sit down together and tell they, no, you're done now, okay? She needs to just tell that kid, listen, grandma is like your dad is to me, dead.

1:09:42Now get in the fucking car and go put that purse back. She's dead. That's still not yours. Put it back.

1:09:49Ben Mandelker: So then Jax is alone in the kitchen with Scott, the life coach, and Scott's like, here we go, the white whale. I got this one. So Scott leans forward. All I need to see is that guy, Scott, in a mask and fatigues and sneakers walking into a fucking Mexican food restaurant kitchen. Because I recognize his ass. I feel like Scott looks like someone who'd be in the background of one of Louie's videos on Instagram. Hey, guys. I learned a lot on this male retreat. Teresa, I love you. I love you so much, Teresa. Treat. Come on. Say it stronger. Say it louder. Be a man's man. Say what you feel Say what you feel Tree I want more of your dad's pajamas Real love Make it real love I don't fucking believe you I don't want to wear anything but no-no's pajamas For the rest of my life I want to eat in them I want to sleep in them I want to jerk off in them Give me every pajama I just came That was good That's the cut Thanks Scott Thanks Scott That was one of the all-time best Bravo moments of all time So Scott's trying to do therapy, his life coach therapy, and Jax is like, you know what?

1:11:04Ben Mandelker: I'm a good man, okay? You know, I just did a little 30-day stint in a mental health facility, and I was like, wow, spiraling so bad, like real bad, you know? And then Brittany walks in, and she's like, oh, fuck. Yeah, because Brittany, who's trying to be subtle, will say, uh-oh, there's five cameras there in Jax. Okay, whoops, excuse me.

1:11:30Ben Mandelker: So no one really wants to be around Jack, so he's sort of there alone. And then what we don't realize is about to happen is the main event because Zach walks into the kitchen.

1:11:43And you know Zach's up to no good because he's twirling his drink like this.

1:11:48Ben Mandelker: He literally stirs the pot. Very literal. Nicole taught me this.

1:11:56so Zach's like hey how you doing and Zach's just like

1:12:04Ben Mandelker: how are you

1:12:09yeah a nice little shindig you got for your boyfriend you know that's good he's like yeah everything with bungee's going great thank you and if I'm being honest I'm proud of you for going to that like luxury whatever you just did like you just did it that was something so i'm proud

1:12:27Ben Mandelker: of you i'm proud yeah yeah you know i feel pretty good about it i went after some stuff that i told myself i was gonna take to the grave i was in therapy for seven hours a day 30 days straight you know but then between those seven hours of you doing that then you were doing like the you know, like, you know, that stuff. Like, you know. Did you listen to the doctors? Yeah. Yeah, of course I did. I mean, I was writing. I was journaling. Well, not so much journaling, just sort of jerking off to porn, but, you know, journaling. Yeah, yeah. So was that journaling? Was that like the text messages to Brett?

1:13:08Was that just like morning pages? Like, get it all off your chest?

1:13:11Ben Mandelker: No, no, no. She took my son away from me and said she was going to bring him here and then reneged on it. A woman living in a five-bedroom house with my son. Brittany did not take your son away from you. She did take the ice cream I bought her son away from her son. She decided, I don't think I'm going to bring him. And that's what happened. She took away my son from me. No, because you took a break from rehab to uncover cameras in your house so you could watch her. That's what happened. That's what happened No, no First of all, I just want to say This rehab is a beautiful rehab It's available $1 ,400 a week Airbnb Yeah, I'm sure it's a fucking resort Did Cinderella come in from the Magic Castle And take a picture with you?

1:14:04What happened?

1:14:05Ben Mandelker: I don't need the aggressiveness, bro I don't need this Am I too aggressive for you? I'm not talking about five years ago I'm talking about five days ago so you know what you know what this is my house that I told Brittany she could take over but it's my house okay and you know what you know what if we keep talking about this I'm gonna walk away from the party I wasn't invited to in the first place yeah then you should go then you should go I'm not even gonna teach you about the fucking doorknobs let's see if you can figure that out yourself journaler you know what I'm not gonna sit here and do this because everybody in this fucking place that needs rehab.

1:14:45Ben Mandelker: I've seen videos of you, Zach, screaming and yelling and banging doors. Oh, yeah, but it's fun when I do it, and I'm wearing Britney's mother's lipstick when I do it. Where's the entertainment value when you do it? You know what? This is not a Bash Jack's party. Oh, really? Oh, really? Is it not? Is it not? And he's like, you're on my show. You're on my show. This is my fucking show. I got you on this show. And he's like, not for the last 30 days it wasn't.

1:15:23Ben Mandelker: It was so brilliant. It was so brilliant. I hope it gets nominated for a Peabody Award. I swear to God, if fucking Deadliest Catch gets an Emmy nomination over this, I will be mad. One thing, Zach, one thing that Jack said during all of this he's like yeah I took down the fucking camera covering because I wanted to see who's coming into my house you know I want to know who's coming in and out of my house like I don't want other men coming into my house well there should be one you're never in it fucking cable guy would take better care of that kid at least he'd get to watch some Max I also liked when Jax was like you came into my bar my business and Zach was basically like, yeah, but it's Brittany's money.

1:16:12Ben Mandelker: I was like, it was just... It was just so great. Brittany made it for you. Brittany made it for you. She picked that wallpaper. There was a wall of living plant... Well, they used to be living. They were living for two days. It doesn't matter. They're Brittany's dead plants on that wall. It's just much better than the bear. So... That's like my meter. Like, every single show, I'm like, how does it compare to the bear? it's better. So, so now Jax is gonna, he wants to, he wants to leave, which I love him. I love him threatening to leave like anyone wants him to stay. I'm gonna leave, guys. I'm gonna leave.

1:16:53Well, here's what I really love. And you know, I know Zach's here. I promise I'm not kissing his ass just because he's here because I would say this either way. I really love that Jax is leaving because he can't go up against Zach. And we see it, we see it over and over again on this show. And it's just someone being honest to your face, but the liars on this show can't do it. Another person who can't do it is Jasmine. Because notice this, not Jasmine, Janet. Because notice this whole thing going on with Janet about the whoever said that blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah is Zach. And she won't go for Zach.

1:17:25She'll go for Kristen. She'll go for Jasmine. She'll go for anybody else. But she knows better at this point. Because Zach will just be like, I hope you die with your baby on a roller coaster. Like, I literally don't care. It's hyperbole, bitch.

1:17:41Ben Mandelker: So now we go to Jax and Brittany's house, and Jax comes in. It's time to move out, guys. Guys, this is serious. He went to rehab, and he's a good man, and he needs to move out of a house that's too big for a woman, okay?

1:17:59Ben Mandelker: So he notices that all the pictures are turned around, which is hilarious. You know, I feel like, you know, Brittany, she's not as petty as I'd like her to be, so I appreciate these moments that she has. She's getting there. So she turned around all these pictures. And of course... You know, that pisses me off, actually, that Britney did that. Because I don't need to see... Yes, I don't need to see pictures turned around. I need to see some crazy shit like Jax's face cut out with a box cutter. You know? It's like that blank hole in the page. Like they show in Lifetime movies. Oh, by the way, I don't think we said this part.

1:18:32Okay! Everybody here can unclench their buttholes! Chuck Taylor has loved the building

1:18:43I just want thank you because someone there just said unclench your butthole and I was like fuck off it took me a minute to register I want Zach

1:18:52Ben Mandelker: to be a flight attendant and just say that when you land okay everyone can unclench your buttholes this Boeing actually landed thankfully we've got one of the 10 people who still work at the FI die. So Jax has enlisted someone very important for the task of moving out. Schwartz. Oh my god. It's scary. It's boxes. Boxes. This reminds me of when Katie did this to me. I just stood at the garage door and I said, but I'm just a boy. It's scary.

1:19:31Ben Mandelker: So Jax is once again talking about why he has not reached out to Cruz and he's like, I mean, she's got me blocked. and everything. I mean, I can't even talk to her. I can't write her an email. I can't do anything. I mean, I was just on her Instagram and she was talking about how she blocked me. I was like, fuck her. I saw her talking about blocking me on the cameras. It was so fucking rude. She was wearing flip-flops. She knows I hate you. Schwartz's like, maybe you shouldn't do that anymore. I don't know. Poor Schwartz needs money so bad. This poor fucking guy. He'll do anything. He does not want to be there.

1:20:02And Jax is like moving onto his block or into his apartment building. And he's just like, No, please don't do this. Maybe you shouldn't do that to Brittany.

1:20:14Ben Mandelker: So Jason shows up and he brings a message, which is that Brittany wants her computer because she needs to log out of her accounts. Okay, Brittany. Why didn't you do this before? You've had 30 days to log out of that iMac. Why are you doing this? Jax has clearly taken the computer and logged into everything and taken the passwords. Yes, he's already gone into your little Safari passwords thing and copied that. It's like in a little XLL. What are you, XLL? I'm really dumb when it comes to that. XLR, file. CVS file. It's in a.cvs. A BMW X7 spreadsheet. So he's like, yeah, I mean, I haven't seen my fucking setup but out of rehab for two fucking days.

1:21:00What the fuck? And then they show the clip again of Jack's getting his hair cut. Jack's getting his Botox. I mean, I could imagine my mom getting Botox while she saw me. Like, while I was in the room. She'd just be like, oh, Ronnie, you did this to me.

1:21:18Ben Mandelker: So, Brittany's also asking him to log out of the security cameras. He's like, not until I see my son. And they're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Brittany, stop asking for a logout and ask for a fucking hammer and a ladder. get your ass up there and knock the shit out of the wall. Jeez. So Schwartz is like, you know what? I think there's still like a little part of her that loves me. He's like, little? Don't say little. There's a big part. She loves me. Look at me, how hot I am. Rosy cheeks. Furrowed brow. I like it. I don't have a third thing. I only got two things. Coke sweat, meth face. What is it?

1:21:54Ben Mandelker: Chunky sweaters. Smell like a sock. Hockey jerseys. a social media job in Tampa someday. I love when he's like, wow, look at all these memories in these boxes. Yeah, I remember this one. Schwartz is like, oh my god, I remember this day. This was like that time of your wedding. And then we see a clip of their wedding, and it's all the Hooters girls and a line going like, yeah! And Brittany's like, hi girls, I made it! Yeah! She got the dream. They all dreamt that, you know. Brittany got it. The brass ring. So Jax moves on out. Now it's time for Brittany to come by. So she comes by and Jax has thrown away a photo of Brittany with her dad.

1:22:36He threw the photo of her dad away. This is this fucking guy. Brittany's reaction to it. She's like, oh my god! He threw away the picture of my dad. That no case. Jax is so silly. Turns out

1:22:50Ben Mandelker: it was just like a carton of Kentucky Fried Chicken. The Colonel! My dad! Mr. Sanders is what I call my people.

1:23:03Ben Mandelker: So she's saying how it's all really weird because Jack used to have jerseys all over the garage and the golf cart is gone and it used to be kind of his place. There used to be semen everywhere. There still is. You got to keep the love couch. What do you think that thing's made out of? Only buy pleather. There's a reason she bought those hideous red leather couches in her house. you can wipe them down so Brittany's like well the house right now is under both our names but I'm taking the house but I'm looking forward to redecorating it Brittany no I've seen your Airbnb call Zach call anybody so Janet's like well Jason said there were a couple of times where Jax was like well I'm not going to change the camera passwords and it made me feel very uncomfortable unfortunately She's like, I'll hurt it because I was spying on the camera

1:24:02So Brittany tells Janet Brittany finally learned that she can spy on the camera She said, I got mad at first, but it's a good TV show

1:24:11Ben Mandelker: I love Big Brother Where's Julie Chan? So she tells Janet that she's filing for divorce, which I was shocked at because I thought for sure Janet was going to tell Jason Jason wouldn't sell Jason And then it was going to be a disaster But it actually wasn't And then they start talking about social media And this is where we learn that Jax has a Finsta named Frank Dremmen Frank Dremmen Which isn't even the accurate ode to Naked Gun that it's supposed to be That's Frank Dremmen Well he said that's what it was, right? Yeah, but his name was Frank Dremmen But he can't spell it, he spelled it wrong He's so stupid He put the B on its side But this is the best part She's like, oh my God, he's got this fake account named Frank Freeman.

1:24:54I knew he had this. He told me he had it. I guess he forgot that he told me. But it's so good. And Janet's like, oh my God. A burner? Someone has a burn? That is what? What even is a burner? A burner. She looks so guilty. Janet, we know you're half of Reddit.

1:25:21There was a comment a couple weeks ago that a friend of mine sent me that said, Ronnie's hatred for Janet is out of control. I'm against sex-based violence towards women. And someone was like, what? And she goes, even if it's verbal. Girl, you are the only person on the planet who would ever think of something that stupid to say. Keep bringing them. I love all of your Dorothys. so anyway she's like yeah so then our family's calling me by frank draven you know and he did the burner account i mean it's so good it's so good he accidentally replied to me into frank

1:25:57Ben Mandelker: draven's name i mean only jacks would actually out himself with his own burner account he's so bad at it too i feel like janet's or at least like if you ever come across any that are Janet, she tries to seem like a real person. She's like, well, you know, maybe if we just looked at this logically, maybe Janet has some points. She'll try and make it sound kind of real. But Jax doesn't. The comments of Jax are like, yeah, fuck Jax. And you go, yeah, Jax Taylor. What a legend. Jax Taylor, hottest number one guy in the group. Love what he's doing with his blush. So then we go over to Danny in Nia's house where I don't want a baby.

1:26:44Ben Mandelker: And then Luke is going to get engaged which is exciting. I swear to God if you two don't tie your fucking tube soon, I'm coming over there. Luke is like, I got Kristen a ring. It's actually just my ear. I'm Van Gogh. So they have a nice scene. Yeah, they're going to go to Hawaii. So he announces that their big trip is they're all going to go to Hawaii for this very meaningful engagement that Jax is coming to. It's going to be great. It's going to be great. So speaking of Jax, we then go over as he is moving into his condo, which is like next to Schwartz's, separated by like a little piece of glass on the rooftop.

1:27:23Ben Mandelker: And Schwartz is watching Jax move in, and there's just like socks everywhere for some reason. Like every floor just has socks. But it's great because you know he's looking for his other shoe that Kristen hid in a different bag. He's like, I still can't find it. Still can't find it. And someone says, do you guys share a wall? He's like, don't even say that, bro. Why are you saying that kind of thing? Do you remember the story of him, Sandoval, and Jax all living together when they were like young models? And Jax just kind of ended up there because, I mean, Jax, you know? And he was in a room with only a curtain.

1:28:01Ben Mandelker: Poor Tom is in his own purgatory. We've all been through so much as an audience. we really have the past 10 years of our lives have been really intense we've all really learned to love we've learned so Jax and Schwartz are up on the roof just talking thinking about what tree they're going to jerk off on from up there and Schwartz is there's a doorbell and Jax is like finally someone's coming to let's shoot some hoops it's a fan so he goes downstairs and opens it and there's a guy who's like Jason Couchy you've been served He's like, oh, God, fucking Postmates, am I right?

1:28:41Ben Mandelker: So he gets these papers, and Schwartz is like, oh, my God, you got served. What is that, divorce papers? Oh, wait a second. I was just joking. I'm a little boy. Yeah, can I see it? Oh, let me read this. Nuclear boundary established. Intent to proceed amical to being out of court as expeditiously as possible. Jax is like, I understood the. What the fuck are you talking about? He's like, well, it does say with minimal cost to both parties. Dude, this is great. This is great. It's not going to cost you any money. You get to keep the hoodie that you're still wearing. It's so good, Jax. That's amazing.

1:29:20Ben Mandelker: She don't look. It's so great. Sign on the line. It's so good. Jax is like, well, it looks like Tom Schwartz is a legal expert. He once watched a scene of Picket Fences, and I know he knows about Five-ish Finkel. so I guess I'll just sign on this divorce line and do it. It's a great, it's a sweetheart too, it's great. Yep, I'm just going to do it. Oh, except for that whole custody thing, don't worry. He's like, what? What? What? What does that say? And he's like, well, you know, custody is awful, custody and stuff. He goes, what even is that? Like, I don't even know what that means. Like, do you have custody?

1:29:53Like, do they have bullet points? Like, what is that supposed to even mean? Like, custody? Yeah, sure. Jax is totally pretending he doesn't know what that means so he could just sign his son away and get rid of the fucking paperwork. Britney will still be on the hook for his 1.2 million tax debt that was rolled into this fucking house, and he can get away scot-free. He's like, what?

1:30:12Ben Mandelker: What's custody? Shut up. He's like, I mean, imagine coming out of a facility, dealing with your mental health issues, and then being slammed with divorce papers. I'm like, not only can I imagine it, I saw it and I laughed.

1:30:30Not only can I imagine it, I'm still watching it, and I've got a slight boner.

1:30:37I mean, of anybody on Bravo that we've ever called out for being someone who will never ever be there to raise his child or fight for custody of his child, it's that fucking guy. He just doesn't want to have to give his car away to anybody in the future, and you know that's the damn truth. Fuck this guy. So Schwartz is like, oh, custody, who needs it? And he's like, uh-oh, ding, there's headlines in really important publications. This one is called Reality Blub. Brittany Cartwright files for divorce from Jax Taylor after five years of marriage.

1:31:22Just Vanderpump's spirit coming out of the headline.

1:31:27Ben Mandelker: Yeah, Jax is suddenly upset that he's in the headlines I don't think so And then he's like, I think it's safe to say That these are no longer the best days of our lives

1:31:42Hold on, I can say it By the way, I live right down the street I just bought a three million dollar house Maybe we can shoot this CD The door just slams in her face

1:31:54Ben Mandelker: and that brings us to the end of the mounting hysteria tour thank you everyone for coming out tonight and for everyone listening at home for coming to all of our shows thank you so much Zach and all our friends and family thank you Zach thank you Hannah thank you everyone good night everyone we love you guys

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