#2911 PumpRules S6E5: Rawt in Hayell Jax! Live From Dallas

0:00Hey guys, it's Paige from Giggly Squad. Okay, can we all agree that hosting is so much fun? And I really do love it. Every weekend, it's come over for snacks, let's make dinner together, and somehow the second you put out a fruit platter, it seems that bugs show up before your friends do. This is why I have to have my Zivo flying insect trap. You plug it in and you let it do all the work. It's specially designed blue and UV light attracts the bugs you didn't know you had and wow did we have a lot like house flies fruit flies gnats and then with zivo bam next thing you know the pests are caught in the sticky cartridge and away from your yummy treats without any mess or strong odors the best part is the design is actually sleek and curved so it hides the bugs it catches keeping them out of sight and when the cartridge is full you just grab the no mess tab throw it in the trash pop in a new cartridge and then you're done no mess no stress So whether you're hosting a dinner party or spending an afternoon baking treats with all your friends and you want to focus on hosting and not constantly swatting at bugs, Zivo has you covered with 24-7 bug protection.

1:07Plug in a Zivo flying insect trap so you can work smarter, not harder, and actually enjoy your time at home. There is such a better way to spend your time than doom scrolling or watching terrible TV. Get some stories in your life, okay? Audible is perfect for that. I use it while I'm cleaning the house, while I'm running errands. I listen to books all day, every day with Audible.

1:34Ben Mandelker: Yeah, they have a massive library of audiobooks and ad-free podcasts. And it is really the perfect thing to turn on when you're taking a long drive, washing some dishes. Like, enrich yourself. New members can start listening with a 30-day free trial at audible.com slash WWC.

1:54Ben Mandelker: What happens? What happens? Who cares what happens when there's so much that's rapping? That's a problem. Who cares what happens when there's so much that's rapping?

2:14Hello, you gorgeous Dallas-inians! What do you call people from Dallas? What do you call yourself? Dallasites?

2:25Ben Mandelker: Dallasonians? Dallasites? Dallasites. Like a rock. Yeah, Dallasites. Comes in very handy today, talking about jazz. What a snort, you city. So great to be here. We just drove here from Austin. God damn it, we love you, Dallas. We got here and we were like, damn you, Charlie. trying to find a trolley to punch. I saw the trolley. I could see it from my hotel room. It was great. I almost wanted to get down there and be like, boom, you know? Fuck you, trolley! Trolley, trolley. Well, who was here back pre-pandemic when we had our two-night engagement here? Yeah. Leanne Locken was here. Mama D was here.

3:15Ben Mandelker: Was anyone here when Leanne Locken took over the VIP and started doing all the photos? She was like, alright who wants a photo? Alright you're next. Alright come on keep it moving. Keep it moving. No joke she deleted that. Making Mexican jokes. We cancelled her before she was ever cancelled. Right in this VIP. My mom almost beat the shit out of Mama D because we had them put a sign on his chair that said Mama D and my mom just saw Mama. Sat right down and tried to but Mama D was sitting there and she said excuse me. And my mom said who are you? And she said, Mama D. And she said, well, I'm the mama.

3:52Move. I said, you moved her? She moved Mama D over and sat in the chair that said Mama D.

3:59Ben Mandelker: It's like that old thing. Like, what happens when an unstoppable force hits an unbreakable wall? Wig versus wig. It was a wig fight. It was ugly in here. Oh, it was amazing. Yeah, so we had a really fun drive from Austin. You know, we came down. And so normally, we've done this before. We made the road trip up the highway. We almost always stop. Up the highway. I like that you specified. In my mind, I'm like, is it north? Is it south? I don't know. We did the highway this time. No dirt roads. No back roads this time. We did the highway, guys. Normally, we stop at Bucky's. But, yeah. You guys, Bucky's getting aggressive is what we're about to say.

4:42Ben Mandelker: But we're like, look, if we stop at Bucky's, we're just going to go buy a whole bunch of fudge and candy. We're so fan. And we get here and eat a whole pizza. We should have just gone to the fucking Bucky's. I know. But, like, Bucky's knew that we were trying to be healthy. Because I swear to God, the moment you pass Bucky's, the nature of those billboards gets wild. It's like, you'll be back. Bucky's stalks your ass. It's like, Bucky's. Bucky's ahead. Come to Bucky's. You coming to Bucky's? It's Bucky's. Oh. You thought you could get away from us? did you mean to drive by bucky's i'm gonna start stalking your ass yeah it's like whoa still hungry should have come to bucky's wow bucky's has so much that not even gail can eat all the way through it stop by you passed by a bucky's something gail's never done and the billboards would be like back to back, it'd be like, how could you do this to me?

5:45Ben Mandelker: And the next one would be like, question mark.

5:50Why aren't you answering my texts? As you get closer and closer, I can see you. I still have the air tag connected to your account.

6:00Ben Mandelker: Damn, Buc-ee's, leave me alone. Ben and Ronnie, pack your knives and go. To Buc-ee's. And then there was one with the mom holding a baby and like kissing the baby's head, and it says, protect the mother and the baby.

6:18I looked at Ben and I said, is this about abortion or for a gun store? Like, what? Because we're Texas. We'll do that shit for a gun store. Protect your baby from abortions with a gun. Little baby gun in the womb.

6:35Ben Mandelker: I thought it was just protect the baby from all the Bucky's billboards. protect your baby from my mother okay last night in austin my mom came right of course and she's wearing this like these gold earrings and this big huge statement necklace and this versace type i say type because that was some timu shit that she was like but it was bought to look like i think she searched verse in there and it came up and she wore it so we come out to the meet and greet after and my mom's standing in the front of the meet and greet and i was like mom you don't have to stand in the line for the meet and greet.

7:09I wasn't. And my sister after said, did you know that mom did the entire meet and greet before you even came out? She did the meet and greet by herself. Like they were there for my mom, you know? And so the, this guy came up to us at the, at the meet and greet. He's like, your mother told me about your journey in podcasting. My mother has never listened to this. And on purpose, I'm like, don't listen. Don't, don't. I said, even if I die young, never be like, I want to hear Ronnie's nasally gay voice again. I'm going to listen to this thing. Don't do it. It's not going to end well. She doesn't know, but this kid told a whole lifetime story about me.

7:51He's like, the way you started from nothing. The way you rose up. the way you fought and fought. I was like, I didn't do shit. I sat my fat ass down in a chair and found some other queen to talk to. Yeah. But thanks, Mom. Happy Mother's Day, ladies.

8:10Ben Mandelker: Yeah, happy Mother's Day to all the moms here today and who are listening. So, speaking of mothers, we've got the mother of trashy TV to talk about, Vanderpump Rules. Vanderpump Rules. Now, I will say, there was like a moment when I was like, well, should we hold the valley for the end of the week? And we're like, that's a long, long time to hold it. But the truth is that the valley is so dark. The entire thing would have just been like, yes, you'll cheat on me. And then he just comes out in his old-fashioned underwear, and that's like the episode. But then we watched Vanderpump Rules and realized this shit's always been dark.

8:52This shit is dark, too. Did you guys watch the episode Did you do your homework? Yeah.

8:58Ben Mandelker: I mean, it's actually, it's wild. Seeing, like, the seeds in all senses of that word being sown on this show. And then watching it all, like, bloom in its terrible, like, poison ivy glory on the valley. Yeah, it is. It's like before the apocalypse. Yeah. By the way, that means we're in the apocalypse now. Isn't it fun? Aren't we having fun? The valley-pocalypse. The world apocalypse. I think I'm really having a good time in the apocalypse everyday news is just terrible and terrible I'm like I'm still having a good time my moves they haven't taken my bravo yet and I'm fine they better not then there'll be a real problem previously on Vanderpump Rules

9:48Tom Tom you're both just such toxic emotional abusers with no self-awareness or business sense or personal hygiene. So naturally, I would love to give you a business. Dude! For just 0.0023 % of this empire. It will only cost you your life savings, your mother's life savings, Tom. And your voices. Dude!

10:34Ben Mandelker: Bro, you fucked Faith and Brittany found out and you sad fuck face of a slut man. Fat, fat, stupid man. Our relationship has never been so amazing since any of this happened. I think at this point Brittany's just like, hate fucking me, bro. That sucks, bro. It's awesome. It's awesome. Lisa asks, You know, I know I left the shows and told you all to go fucks yourselves, but the allowance that I get from Temu Harvey Weinstein's are small, and Mama needs her fames, okay? So can I pretend to be a hostess again? Of course, my broken little bird. Anything to save you from the yachts of Dubai, darling All it will cost you is your original face Any good sense of morals you might have less And your voice

11:36Ben Mandelker: Ask, ask Ask, ask I just squirted She's just squirting you're wrong for that apparently I was told that I got sloppy drunk and made out with someone which I have no recollection of Tom you promised me after the last time you got blackout drunk in New York and didn't remember making out with somebody that you wouldn't get blackout drunk and make out with somebody and forget why you're blackout drunk how could you do this to me I deserve better are you sure I said that I forgot I'm blackout drunk right now I'm just a little boy Lisa I found the man of my dreams and all I want to do in my life is marry this man ooh yes he will marry you Sheena my squeaky little dimwitted Sheena all it will take is your printer canvas your family enchiladas and of course, your voice.

12:59Ben Mandelker: Okay, maybe not the voice. Okay. And scene.

13:08So this brings us back to a time where not only this show was just so good, I mean, really, what art, you know? A lot of artists weren't really realized until they were dead. I'm reading this H.P. Lovecraft book, and they're like, he sucked, he didn't make any money, no one even liked that guy, and now he's dead, and we're like, I love H.P. Lovecraft. I think that's like this show. They just all need to die. I think we all need to die.

13:32Ben Mandelker: These people were dead on the inside at this point. That's true. There was that. But not only was this show really good, we got the art from the show, but we also got Trixie Monocle art. I mean, we still have Trixie, but unlike a lot of losers on Bravo, I think she went to rehab and learned more words. Yeah. Because I don't know what the fuck she's talking about now. I don't need a five-minute song with Trixie from lyrics. This is what I need. Classic Trixie. Here's the song. No. No, no, no, no. No, no, no. No, no, no. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.

14:12No, no, no. No. She's out.

14:17Ben Mandelker: It's a direct quote. We literally have it in our notes here. Trixie singing, na, na, na, na, no. That's how the show begins. It's me. It's me.

14:31Yes, Trixie.

14:32Ben Mandelker: Yeah, this was, of course, just a shade before the Selling Sunset era of Trixie declaring that she was a boss. I'm a boss. I'm a boss. I'm walking like a boss. I go in like a boss. I leave like a boss I use like a boss Bossy bossy boss I've got a car Bosses have cars now I'm a boss Those are still pretty good But now she's like I'm feeling shit I'm feeling shit in the morning Sometimes I'm sad Sometimes I'm not Sometimes I read a book I was like no No You're reading now? Go back to the boss days So we arrive at Katie and Tom's apartment I love that Trixie's writing songs about reading books She's like, Carleen Hoover What a boss bitch I fell shit So, by the way I've sort of gotten so used to the Later Vanderpump Rules era of Valley Village Homes That it was so nice to go back to the cramped apartments of West Hollywood where the sofa is next to the chair is next to the bed is next to the little friend's frame on the door you turn on the microwave it turns the electricity out because the air conditioning is still on we lived in those apartments in West Hollywood they need to do scratch and sniff for these old ones because that shit smells it's not only the sperm that's the obvious one cigarette smoke, weed old people, dead people.

16:10Probably the squirrel in the attic, but ain't nobody gonna check it.

16:14Ben Mandelker: And of course, you know, we can't talk about this apartment without, of course, the piece de resistance, which is the giant, disgusting Bubba art on the wall. Bubba! Bubba! Bubba! So let's start with the Bubbas. This sad, sad couple.

16:35Masturbate. Just masturbate. You know, I said it back then in season six, and I'm going to say the same thing now. Is any of this worth it? God gave you your boyfriend. It's right here. Don't deal with this.

16:51Ben Mandelker: So, Jax is, well, we don't realize it now, but Jax is sitting on his little beer cooler scooter thing.

17:01Ben Mandelker: Which is, I mean, we can just end the episode now. This is all we needed to know. Well, everything we needed to know about present day the valley happened right now with him sitting on a scooter cooler. And he really is kind of like a little coked out golem on that thing protecting you. He's sitting like this.

17:28Ben Mandelker: I'm surprised he still didn't use that to get to Jax's of Studio City. You know, he's got that golf cart. I'm surprised that thing's not motoring down Laurel Canyon Boulevard a little cooler. Guys, apparently dudes I got wasted in Santa Monica And I made out with some chick But I blacked out and I remember Just a little boy

17:49Ben Mandelker: And Jack's like, is this real? Can I go to Santa Monica and make out with a chick? And Sandoval's doing that thing Because remember this is when Sandoval was innocent And everybody's like, oh there's one decent man On Vanderpump Rules Tom Sandoval And so Tom hears that his friend cheated Which now we know he probably helped him You know do it It was like getting a BJ in the back room with him or whatever But right now he's acting very morally offended And he's doing that with his Tom Sandoval I'm very offended in my friend's eyes He's like

18:26Very moral Tom So Schwartz is like You guys I would understand if you want to leave winter is coming. And then they come in.

18:38Ben Mandelker: The White Walkers do actually enter. Yes. The Ranch Walkers come in. Ranch White Walkers. It's Katie, Ariana, and Stassi. They all just walk in. This is like some weird school play because for some reason the entire cast has come in and they've just piled in onto the sofa. Isn't Kristen there too? Kristen is there. Kristen's there. Well, she doesn't walk in. She just flops in and falls over. I was going to say, here's how I know I literally cheered when I saw Kristen walk in. Because, you know, we've seen everybody age. I mean, it's great. We all get old, whatever. It's not about that. But the walk changed with Kristen.

19:09I miss Kristen's meth head in the middle of the night walk. I miss it, like where one heel's always broken. She doesn't know what a sidewalk. Is she on half a sidewalk? But this is her walk.

19:21Ben Mandelker: This was amazing, yes. I really... But, like, fast.

19:34Ben Mandelker: She came in so quickly. You know what she looked like? It was like she was at the airport on the conveyor belt people mover thing, and she didn't realize it had ended. And she was like, going out a fast clip. And then she's like, I'm solid. Like, oh, go, go. Oh, go, go. Oh, that was so funny, the way she lurched into that apartment. I died. So they're all giving dirty looks. Like, we're girls. We're here to stand up against men that we're going to marry again soon. I know. So Katie's like, um, Jax, I don't recall requesting your presence here, so scoot on down the hall. And Jax is like, fine by me.

20:18He's like, yeah, I had a little impulse purchase. It's motorized. So it gets me from my apartment to Schwartz's apartment in like three seconds. He's just like, get off the road.

20:35Ben Mandelker: So everyone's gathered out, including, I mean, there's just so many fun, familiar faces like Carter. And Carter's there like.

20:52Ben Mandelker: He's the voice inspo for Danny's work as a zombie. Danny's such a pig on that show. I can't wait to see what a pig he is on the valley because it's coming out slowly. They're like, oh, it's just a little sexual harassment. This is Vanderpump Rules. Just you wait. This is just the appetizer. I do love that he's on it just because I like doing this for his job impersonation.

21:22Because he's on The Walking Dead. That's literally his job. Okay, and his Walking Dead voiceover is even better. Okay, guys, we ready? We ready for this take? Hold on. All right, I got it. We going? My level's good?

21:38Okay, great. Thanks, guys. Thanks. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crappens commercial. There is such a better way to spend your time than doom scrolling or watching terrible TV Get some stories in your life, okay? Audible is perfect for that. I use it while I'm cleaning the house, while I'm running errands. I listen to books all day, every day with Audible.

22:08Ben Mandelker: Yeah, they have a massive library of audiobooks and ad-free podcasts. And it is really the perfect thing to turn on when you're taking a long drive, washing some dishes. Like, enrich yourself. New members can start listening with a 30-day free trial at audible.com slash WWC. Is there anything better than your team bringing home a W? How about a personal W for your health? If you're 45 or older and at average risk, it's time to screen for colon cancer. Now the number one cancer killer of people under 50 in the U.S. It's easy to put off when screening feels like a hassle, but Cologuard Plus makes it simple.

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23:22little boy. I don't even know why you're mad. Where am I right now? Are the lights out? Why can't I see anything? I'm blacked out!

23:30Ben Mandelker: I'm gonna say this right now. This is the last time you get away with the whole excuse of like, I don't remember because I was wasted. Cut to every episode for the rest of the time. I was wasted. So he's just like kind of re-gelling his hair or whatever and she's like, guess what? you're gonna be married to me Tom you're never gonna be wasted again for the rest of your life and this is where Tom Schwartz like drops his mask and shows us who he really is he goes from like oh man to you don't get to tell me what to do

24:09Ben Mandelker: like bro you got wasted and cheated on Katie like not a big Katie fan over here but like you're wrong here well yeah I mean duh but I love that Katie's like okay, you want to stay married to me? Well, now you're going to have to do it without any reasonable tools.

24:29Ben Mandelker: Schwartz is like, I mean, she's not my mom. I'm an adult. I made poor decisions, but like, I don't think it should cost me my freedom. I'm just a little boy, but an adult little boy. So Katie's like, I'm telling you not to get fucking blackout drunk so you don't cheat on me again. And he'll cheat on your ass sober, too. I mean, that is so cute that she's like, it's all the alcohol. No, it's not. The alcohol is the excuse, not the reason, if that makes any sense. Yeah. So Katie's like. Someone got it. They were like, yeah. They're like, yeah. That was good. Fuck yeah. Listen, come here for the jokes, but stay for the deep thoughts, you know?

25:12Ben Mandelker: Katie's like, so excuse me, Tom, your fucking vows that everyone cried over. Remember those? They cried over it because you both smelled like the lake or the river or the pond or whatever the fuck that thing you were in on your Wednesday wedding. I'm still crying that I have to find somewhere to put a tea towel with your wedding invitation on it every time you come over. Cut to Sandoval blowing his snot on that poor dog's back.

25:38And you can't do that anymore, Tom. We had wedding vows. so we see a flashback to their wedding and Lisa being like oh to two people I wouldn't speak to unless there were cameras here

25:55busboys do you vow to take plates from the right and serve from the left take a knife and crumb the customers before you leave and Katie

26:09Ben Mandelker: do you vow to never turn your hair orange again. Katie, will you marry these two bottles of ketchup, please? You know, everyone's like, how cute, how sweet, how this, how that, how really, he really fucking loves you. And I was like, I know, we've been through hell and back and all that, all this shouldn't have passed, and I was like, go and do your thing, because I trust you and have fun, bub, but then I'm like on a mom's trip to New York, which doesn't even make sense, because I'm not even a mom, and you're at Bungalow's making out with chicks, Tom! first of all through this whole monologue can we just get to this line remember when everybody was like oh my god Tom really loves you no you've got six years of this show could you show somebody saying that because I might just not remember I do remember one chunky queen in West Hollywood screaming don't marry him even you're better than this run No one listens to the gays.

27:13They'll live in our neighborhoods, but they don't listen to us.

27:18Ben Mandelker: Katie's like, I don't know you. You're not the person I married. He is literally the exact person you married. That's him. So then we get a Trixie song, and she's like, get out of my way. I got nothing to say to you. Move. You better move. Get out of my way There's nothing you can do To stop the truth To stop the truth

27:47Ben Mandelker: She knows something Trixie's sitting on top of a hot secret guys And so now we're down to a scene That we didn't get in the later seasons Which I think eventually killed the show Which is when people actually had to go to work And pretend that they were still working there Yeah I love those because Jax is always like, uh...

28:16Trying to learn what a shaker is without getting a boner.

28:19Ben Mandelker: He's like, Jax, that's the telephone. He's like, I'm not getting paid enough for this. Lala walks in, and I mean, this is a great season. This is when we had Lauren or Lolo. Lolo and Lala. God, I will always remember the scene where Lolo and her hot boyfriend got into a big fight, and they went into a back room, and they took their mics off. I was like, I don't even know who these people are, but I am invested. Yeah, I like Lolo, too. So Lolo comes, and Lolo's like, welcome back. And Lolo's like, Lolo, la la. Okay? It's like so weird to swing back. You'll probably see me looking, like, so confused when I look at the tables because, like, it's hard to remember what happened before.

29:04there's five tables in that restaurant, you never knew the numbers anyway. Just wait until some old fat rich guy comes in. You'll be fine. It's a waiting room. It's a waiting room for Harvey Weinstein lookalikes. Just chill.

29:17Ben Mandelker: So Lisa walks in. She goes, ah, Miss Kent, you're back. I'm like, yeah, you hired her. Thanks for having me back, Lisa. She's like, yes, but you have to be consistent, though. No messing about. Oh, I'm sorry, you're an employee here. You can't mess about it and do nothing, yes. Consistency, that's very important, sir.

29:46Have you read your Yelp reviews?

29:48Ben Mandelker: I don't think the waiter's even come to the table. Yeah, well, that is an area of consistency, because the reviews are consistently very bad. Yeah, well, Lala's always been consistent. So Lisa's like, Lisa's greeting Lala and everything, and Lala's like, I admire Lisa. Most people would have written me off after burning every bridge in towns, but I feel very much indebted to her. Lisa's like, whatever, we didn't have much time to cast your role, so get back to work. We needed somebody with questionable morals for the other girls to beat up on. Get back here! Your nipple! So she goes back to her little stand, and Lisa goes, and listen to me, Lala.

30:28This time, no running away because I can't chase you.

30:40Don't hurt me again, Lala.

30:44Ben Mandelker: Is this far and away? I'm playing the end yet. The way I broke when my hostess walked out on me. Elsewhere at the bar we have Brittany and she's like, Hey, J-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-X

31:03Ben Mandelker: One of my tables needs a Strawberini He's like I know I'm shaking You're shaking it right now You're shaking up Jax I am Oh Jax are you really Making a Strawberini He's like Sure was Okay maybe put a martini glass And a sugar rim in there too He's like, I promise I'll be a better boyfriend. You better be a better bartender, too.

31:38Brittany's a twit, but I can't help. I don't care what she does. I always kind of like Brittany because she's the only person I think that actually worked at this restaurant. She came on time. She put her purse up, put her apron on. At the end of the shift, you see her out in the smoke and now you're like, one, two, three, four, eight, nine, 13. Damn it.

32:03Ben Mandelker: She's definitely the only one that knew that there was a strawberry on the menu. You want a strawberry? So these two idiots have decided that in the midst of this cheating scandal, it's not even like a rumor. It's a confirmed cheating issue that has happened. They're going to throw a housewarming party together.

32:26Yes, you do. You still want to do that form party? I think it's going to be good. I don't want to make anybody super uncomfortable, but... They're already uncomfortable. They're friends with Jax. Jax doesn't have friends who feel comfortable.

32:39Ben Mandelker: I'll make a whole bunch of strawberries. So Jax is like, you know, by having this party and having all my friends come over and drink my booze and eat my food, hopefully it'll be hard for them to sit around and talk shit about me all day. He's literally just going to bribe people to shut up, but all they're going to put out are some bugles and diet sprites. I mean, I know it's weird to be having a half-form party with somebody who's been having sex with other people, but what are you going to do? Have a cold house? So then Katie comes to the hostess stand, and Katie, Katie, Kate, La La, so much.

33:17This is when they've been friends for, I think, five minutes, because, you know, she spent the first season. It's like, you whore. BJ's for PJ's, am I right? Slut. So she walks up to her at the hostess stand, and she's like, hey, ladies, I know work is crazy. What, are you still learning tables?

33:40So, Lala, can I have a moment outside? And she's like, yes. Hold down the fort, Lala. Hold down the fort.

33:47Ben Mandelker: Lala, who's on her first day back at work and has been there for five minutes, is already taking a break. So Katie's like, I don't know why Lala decided to tell everyone that Tom made out with a girl. I thought Lala and I were cool finally. I was hoping to really ride on that plane. So they go to the backyard, the garden, whatever. And Katie's like, so last weekend when everything was brought to my attention, I want to hear from you, since you were the one to say that to Ariana and Sheena that I've been hearing everything, and I'm just hearing everything telephone style. Could you clarify, Lala, what was said?

34:23Yes, well, the only reason I said that was because I thought we were goods, but then I heard you were talking about my relationships. You were telling people whose ass I was eating out and not just that I was generally eating ass. And that man is married, and that is very disrespectful of you. And Katie's like, oh, shit. Because Katie came into this like, listen here, bitch. Bitch, I don't know what the fuck you think. And she's like, you were talking about me. And she's like, right, right. Okay. Okay, not a terrible point.

34:56Ben Mandelker: And Katie's acting like, well, no, I was just like making jokes. And we see the flashback and she's like, well, doesn't mean I'll never go on a PJ. But if I do go on a PJ, it won't because it was chartered by someone's sugar daddy, disgusting old man boyfriend. My private jet won't be funded by some old fat fucker who's fucking me. My private jet will be funded by tuna sandwiches, goddammit.

35:23And then we cut back, and she's like, what? I don't know why she's so mad about it.

35:27Ben Mandelker: It's clearly a joke. I still am waiting for the day that Katie ever tells a joke. Have we ever heard Katie say something funny? I'm not sure. Wednesday wedding. Okay, so Katie's like, I mean, that didn't even occur to me that Sheena would repeat that to you. I mean, the real villain here, is it the person who slut-shamed you or the slut that told the slut about the slut-shaming? She's like, well, you might as well tell me everything. And Lala's like, okay, so my friends was at, like, bungalows. And she said, like, oh, my God, Tom Schwartz is here. And so they made out and escorted everywhere. and she told me that throughout the night he did it.

36:10I'm never going to get used to it.

36:14Ben Mandelker: Ronnie doesn't like it when he says squirts. And it's not just y 'all. It's any of us. It's just human beings. Stop squirting. I feel like the guys do it too, but just like why do we do that? There are so many questions that people have in church. Like why were we made? Why were we put on this earth? I'm like, why do we poop? Why do we squirt? Why do our armpits smell sometimes? Just stop. So Lala's like, yeah, so they made out and stuff. And then she told me that through the night he was so drunk he started calling the girl Baba. And Katie's like, oh, I thought that was our own terrible thing that we said to each other.

36:58Baba, that's the most original relationship thing you can call each other. What's next? But I like that Schwartz is just walking around just assuming it's Katie. That's how fucked up he is. And I do believe that he was fucked up enough to be like, Hey, Bubba, you want to make out? No. Hey, Bubba, want to make out? No. No. Hey, Bubba, want to make out? Are you my mother? Are you my Bubba? Are you my Bubba?

37:23Ben Mandelker: And I like that Katie has to then explain why this matters. She's like, I mean, that's like our name for each other. I'm like, yeah, we know. We've seen that horrific piece of art in your apartment. he has Bubba tattooed on his ass how could he do this to me so Katie's very upset so meanwhile Lisa goes up to the bar and she's like gentlemen gentlemen could I have half a glass of rosé please Jax is like what are you shaking darling strawberry fucking whatever pouring ketchup onto a plate. So he gives her like a full-ass pour. She goes, oh, is that half a glass? Is that why I'm losing money? You're a terrible bartender.

38:11Ben Mandelker: I'll keep you employed for three more years. Katie, darling, please spend some private time with me. America's dying to know what's going on inside here. Come on, darling. Let's go to table 30, shall we? Here we are. Okay, hi, Lisa That's right, it's table 30, darling Alright, go ahead and have your drink Or just take your purse right back here We'll wait for some goat cheese bowls I'll let you spark out So Katie's like Well, so Tom, he like Made out with a girl and he like said I took a lot of shots that day and he blacked out And I don't remember and I'm just like really sad about it Tom did that to you A man hurting a woman in my establishment.

39:02How does this affect me? Let me tell you how it affects me. What if he's not good at his job once I just gave him a restaurant? What if he's not everything? He could be a Tom-a-Toma. I'm talking to Tom about what he's done to my restaurant. But he hurt my feelings. Fuck your feelings. I've got a restaurant to open.

39:22Ben Mandelker: He's unreliable. He has a drinking problem. He's totally incapable of holding any sort of responsibility. I'm giving him three more years of employment that demands a raise I'm going to name it Tom Tom Tom he's going to get two Toms in the title now she's like I think if Schwartz doesn't straighten up and start taking accountability for his behavior then I don't see any relationship that he has lasting except of course with me and all his bars and restaurants and waitresses and everything so Katie's like well I'm not divorcing or leaving my husband over some dumb shit yet. But my main thing is, I don't want to ruin this opportunity he has with you.

40:05Ben Mandelker: Oh, so cute that you think this is an opportunity. Well, don't you worry. I'm going to get him in there and I'm going to say, we're going to see how you speak to women from here on and then I'm going to hug him. So hard! You can go. You can go.

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42:24Ben Mandelker: So then we have some non-trixie music that's just like... And we go to... Exactly like that. She's just exhausted. She's already wrote two songs. She's like... Carter's assisting on vocals. so we are it's later at sir and um lisa walks in and i this was i think my favorite scene of the episode she walks in and there's a lady who i don't think really speaks english and she's just taking flowers out of a box and arrange them and lisa's like oh oh hello are you related to rocio I have, when you're taking flowers out here's what I like to do take the outside petals and peel them down down this is how you make flowers look pretty lady whose profession is floristry look she's just looking at her like that dog is dead and everybody knows it stop carrying that thing around on your arm and that dog does look dead she's carrying the dog okay this is the dog on her arm She's like, hello, lady from the florist's place who doesn't know how to do your thing.

43:39Ben Mandelker: As Lisa inverts all the roses, I was like, what are you doing to these flowers? So she goes into a back room, and here it is. It's a Stassi scene. We forgot that these actually happened, but they do. Stassi, this was like when Stassi was transitioning between storylines. So when that happens, they don't give her anything to do except plan parties. So she just is coming in here, and she's just... Stassi was having one of those seasons where she's like, I'm so sick of people bullying me online. I'm going to be nice. And the audience was like, gross. So we're right in the middle of that season. So Lisa's like, oh, Stassi, darling, come sit down.

44:16Let me tell you a hilarious story. I was just pulled over by the popo, the pigs, the coppers. He said, you didn't stop all the way to sign. You've only kind of stopped. I said if only some of the men in this restaurant Would do it, am I right? Then I flashed in my tartars and went on my way Patsy's like

44:43Ben Mandelker: She's like, that's cool AF So they make some small talk Some sort of bullshit about like She just planned Guillermo's party And is she up to planning another party But not Harrison's party She's not ready for that I don't miss these scenes. I really don't. So Stassi's like, so Jax invited me to a housewarming party. Isn't it already warming up in there enough? He's so sweaty. Well, you don't have to go. Yes, I do. Of course I have to go. I need to watch this chaotic situation unfold. Oh, God, nothing has changed, has it, Stassi? And scene. So we get a new Oh, I wasn't expecting an applause on that.

45:32Ben Mandelker: We get a new Trixie. We get a new Trixie jam. Ding, ding, ding. It's an elevator. Elevator. Ding, ding. So now we're going to Paint and Sip Studio every day. Let me tell you what bros like to do. Paint. They like to go to painting classes together. Was Build-A-Bear closed? Listen. Who the fuck is this class? who is fucking the sip and see that's when you have a baby and you pass it around while you're drunk sip and see is also what you do on this show when you get drunk and then see if someone got pregnant so they're all there and Jack's like Tom and I are both in the doghouse big time and Schwartz is like I mean to be honest guys I had this whole vision where I was like I was going to take us to Joshua Tree and we go up to the canyons we're going to have like a whole Hunter S.

46:25Ben Mandelker: Thompson day. And Jax is like, Hunter S. Hunter who? What is that? Just don't mention these people in front of Jax. He's not going to get it. Future Trixie is like, author, that's an author. An author who writes books. Shut up, future Trixie. So then Schwartz is like, yeah, I was going to do this thing. We're all going to get shit-faced like Johnny Depp in that movie he was in. But I can't because I love Katie too much. and I can never drink again. Kate is a sobriety terrorist. Save me, I'm just a little boy. How am I going to drink again? What am I going to do? How can I even talk? Dude, you want a shot?

47:04Yeah, of course, just a little one, you know.

47:09So, of course, they all do shots. He immediately starts doing shots. He's talking this whole time. He's like, this is so hard, guys.

47:19not being able to drink like we usually like to drink ah the things we do for love

47:36listen there's about an inch left i love you katie

47:41Ben Mandelker: listen it was it was i know it's a shot but it was nothing too crazy it was merely absinthe. Yes. So then we see Jax is like, yeah, I got some absinthe left because I went out with James the other day and we did fucking absinthe. It was fucking amazing. Maybe I do like that little fucking twink. I don't know. Maybe I do. We see a flashback of them getting high on absinthe and James is like, I see so many fat sluts up there. Everywhere, fat sluts all around me. I'm standing here. I see a really old man. really old man. Wait, it's two really old men. They're both jerking off at each other. Which one's going to come first?

48:23It's both you, old man. Fat old man.

48:27Ben Mandelker: All I see is a giant pile of pasta. So they come back and then they're just like painting and everything and they're being silly. They're painting dicks on their aprons. Yeah, which is great. Jax has red dots all over it. Which at least, you know, he's going for truth. Doesn't happen often on this show. So while they're doing that, we go over to a place called Electric Owl, and Brittany, Katie, and Kristen are there. And Brittany, for some reason, I love the idea of Brittany going to a place called The Electric Owl, because I can imagine her saying, Hey guys, I'm going to Electric Owl. Do I have to wear rubber?

49:06Ben Mandelker: It's not regular album, it's electric. I gotta wear rubber so I don't get electrocuted by Electric Owl. So we get a scene that we've seen 9 million times and are still seeing in 2025, which is girls surrounding Brittany going, oh my God, Brittany, Jack's just fucked you over. Are you okay? And Brittany going, well, you know, y 'all, I know it really hurts, but I'm sure it's going to change this time. It's going to be totally different this time. You know, Niamh really loves me, really does.

49:35Ben Mandelker: So Katie's asking how Brittany's doing and she's like, a little bit better. I mean, my heart is wanting to believe he can be a better person even though my brain is telling me he can't. I feel like I love him too much. Oh, here comes Kristen. We just hear all sorts of bottles fall over. Can I just get a bottle with a straw? Seriously? Brittany. Yeah? Seriously. Yeah? I'm not going to tell you to do anything you don't want to do. Okay. Because you've got to come up with it on your own. Okay. Don't forget. This is Sir. We're models. Hey, where'd you get that flower in your mouth? Coco. Kristen back then was always like posing at the camera like that She'd be like

50:25I hear Sex and the City lines Can I get a bottle with a straw?

50:31Ben Mandelker: Who would have thought that a mere seven or eight years later She'd be arranging for ceremonialists and embodiment guides To come to Santa Barbara and have drum circles were, actually, of course, I envisioned it that it was 100 % her trajectory. So, we're going back and forth between the two scenes, and Schwartz is saying to Jack, so, are you on any sort of probation? He's like, yeah, I got community service, you know, on her vagina. That kind of community service. So, then we go back to Katie. Charming show. Yeah, girls, you know, Like, it's not going great with my guy either, girls. I mean, I know that Tom likes to let loose and have a good time, but he just takes it too far sometimes.

51:19Like, you're not a college frat boy. You're a kind of getting chunky ex-underwear model who's got a Bubba chalkboard in his living room. When are you going to grow up?

51:31Ben Mandelker: Kristen's like, yeah, it's that old Peter Pan thing. Wait a second, who's Peter? Peter got some pans? I would marry peanut butter. I can't believe it. Oh, I'm so proud of him. Peter probably did get pans that day. He's like, guys, I'm ready.

51:50Ben Mandelker: Guys, I don't know if you need me for the scene, but I did get pans. If you want an illustration of a Peter Pan syndrome. It's just Peter from the restaurant, the manager from the restaurant panning things. It's like Peter's reviews. Like, welcome to Peter Pan. Here's what I don't like. Ice cream from taco trucks. thank you for coming to Peter Pan's.

52:15Ben Mandelker: So, meanwhile, at the painting, Jack's like, can I ask you guys something? How do you, like, not remember, like, making out with a girl? And Schwartz is like, you've never blacked out before in your life? I mean, I told Katie I'd take a lie detector and swear on my life I don't remember anything. He's like, yeah, I mean, like, why don't you just admit to it? Just go. It'll just be much faster that way. Now you can move forward into banging new chicks, you know? Yeah, Jax is like, you're supposed to just say, like, I'm sorry I fucked her. I didn't mean it. I'm really sorry. I'm a terrible person, but I'm totally going to change now.

52:50I love you. I live for you. All I want is you. I'm totally going to change. Then unzip your pants and stick your dick in something, and you'll feel much better. Let's keep it moving, buddy.

53:01Ben Mandelker: Dude, dude, our paintings are ready. Let's take a look at them. So we look at the paintings. The painting of Jax is just like It's not Jax, it's just some It's kind of like a hot guy on a canvas It was pretty good And the next one was good But then Jax's was so Jax It was like beautiful colors With darkness encroaching in from the edges I was like Oh my god, your trajectory He's like Yep

53:31All the paint comes right off the canvas Like it was never there in the first place So then we go back to the girls And Brittany's like okay so all of our lives suck Kristen you got any men to talk about She's like oh well there's like this guy Okay well let's not make Kristen Come up with the story then Y 'all men are terrible Let's have a housewarming party What do y 'all think of that I can make some jello shots I can make some of Mamos jello shots

53:58Ben Mandelker: So they start talking about Lala And Katie's like oh my god I think it's like bullshit that Sheena just ran to Lala and said what I said. I mean, it just felt calculated because she knew it would trigger Lala and Lala would blurt it out to hurt me. And Brittany's like, oh, I hope that's not the case. And Katie's like, you know, Katie has now felt the sting of having all your stuff being put out there and having rumors swirl about your boyfriend cheating. And she knows how much that hurts, which is why she's going to do it exactly back to Sheena. So she's like, yeah, Sheena shouldn't be so concerned with my relationship when the fact of the matter is that facts of conversational possibility condensation could lead back to Sheena's own demise in this world that she's constructed of infallibility.

54:51Ben Mandelker: It's a convenient narrative. So now I had forgotten that this is where this all began, And Rikitty's like, Sheena, she's telling us, we've all heard about the Toca Madera chick. I was like, oh, my God, the Toca Madera chick. Toca Madera. Toca Madera. Oh, my God, Toca Madera. Toca Madera. Toca Madera. To this day, when I drive by Toca Madera in Los Angeles, I'm like, Toca Madera. Toca Madera. So back to the girls. Brittany's like, y 'all want me to say something to Sheena? You want me to? I can. That's nice, girl. She just needs a chance, y 'all. Give her a chance. Well, because Katie and Kristen then tell the story of what happened to Toca Madera.

55:34Ben Mandelker: It's like, seriously, caca? Rob was at, like, Toca Madera. Remember that, Katie? That Rob was at Toca Madera? Yeah, totally. Toca Madera. We know everybody. That's where models go. And then Jen Bush. Remember Jen Bush? No relation to George W. But maybe? I don't know. Do you think she's related? Anyway, Jen Bush saw him, and then he was like, I don't know who Gina is. And then, like, the girl there was like, I don't know who Gina is either. And he's like, yeah, she's some strange stalker. And then, like, they made out. and I was like, I was like, Toco Madera. And then Kristen with her straw, she's like.

56:03Ben Mandelker: Toco Madera. It all happens at Toco Madera. So Kristen's like, my gut, listen girls, I've got woman's intuition, model's intuition, and my gut says, he's going to hurt her. And then we cut to the glamorous mansion of Rob Valletta in Beverly Hills. It's like I wanted the La La Land music to play. She'd be like I wanted to see her with a vacuum and be like, this is my house now. This was La La Land year because we recapped another episode from the season and this is when all the witches of WeHo were like, we're going to La La Land and we're each going to wear a different primary color. And they were walking in sync on the street, like...

57:01Ben Mandelker: Brittany's like, it's so cool they made a movie about Lala. She's such a nice girl.

57:07Ben Mandelker: Lala Lee. Girls, we're going to all dress up for Lala Land. We're going to do that scene in the beginning where they're all dancing in traffic. Sheena, you're the car. Okay, go. Everyone dance on Sheena. So we go to Rob's house, and Sheena's just, you know, in wedded bliss. Like, she's not wedded, but in Sheena's mind, she's, like, already married. She's like, honey, I'm home. I went to the grocery store. The au pair can help me cut some of the greens if you want to. Oh, baby, everything's okay. I think it kicked. Is that lemon smell? Were you cleaning again, honey? Honey, I have got to wake up the kids for school.

57:44Ben Mandelker: Their bus is almost here. I made breakfast.

57:52Ben Mandelker: She has a big dress, you know. dating Rob, I feel like I'm like with an actual man. Like a man-man. Not like a shame man, but like a man-man. And he runs a children's charity. Okay, just stop. If you ever meet a man and he's like, hey baby, especially in LA, he's like, I run a children's charity. Show me the paperwork and the van that you pick these children up in. Yeah. He runs like a children's charity and he executive produces and hosts a show and his sister's like actually really famous. so it's like wow if she's famous and I'm also famous too and like does this mean that like Amber Valletta and I are going to be like best friends like it's kind of like the best thing of all.

58:30Ben Mandelker: Like honestly like in retrospect I can get into a time machine and go into revenge and I can play her character in revenge and then she can be a waitress. It could be like I don't know like Freaky Friday but it would be like a Monday. It'd be strange actually I'm like getting really confused with my story now.

58:47This is crazy. He's like a real man and he has a house in Beverly Hills. It's a really big house So he has a house, so we have a house. We just basically have a house. Welcome to our house.

58:58So Rob's just kind of ignoring her and lighting candles and have catering people do things. And so they're having a private chef over. And enter Sandoval and Ariana to come see how the other half lives. Yes. And Sandoval's like, whoa, dude. Nice crib, bro. Oh, my God. Damn. Wow.

59:20Ben Mandelker: Wow. Wow. Wait a second. Is this rock? What is this? It's marble. Wow. See myself in that. Did you just turn on two lights at the same time and you didn't lose power? That's amazing. And your air conditioner's on? Whoa. What are those holes in your ceiling? Those are air conditioning vents. Dude. This was kind of like Julia Roberts arriving at the hotel in Pretty Woman. She's like, where did Tom go? he's taking a bubble bath upstairs.

59:54Send a fucking brother. Ariana is just kind of mortified to be with Tom. It's funny watching these old episodes again when we're like, they're so in love. No, they weren't. Ariana's always like... I know.

1:00:08Ben Mandelker: And Rob is such a dick, he's like, oh, hey poor people, welcome to my home slash office. This old little house, it's basically just like a cubicle, am I right? He's like, yeah, so people from Supercuts, welcome. Have a seat. These are actually made of glass that you drink out of. I know you're not really used to that, so just be gentle when you put them back down on the table. Okay? So here's to living, to loving, to learning, and to falling in love with someone new every day. And Sheena's like, ah! And then Sheena's like, this is just so crazy, because a year ago, I wasn't in this big, beautiful mansion.

1:00:51Ben Mandelker: I was just in a living room with TV trays with Shay, and that was totally cool. And they cussed to Shay being like, Hi, pass the mustard, please. She's like, yeah, sure, no problem, as their dinners teeter on these little... And those Barkalounters they used to have, and then the art on the wall is their printed canvas wedding things where you don't really even see Shay, you just see Sheena's good side. She's like, Ah.

1:01:18Ben Mandelker: Honestly, we all knew this Rob Valletta situation was going to fail. But after that Shea, that Barkalounder situation, I was happy that Sheena got a taste of the good life for just one month. For just five minutes. She deserves it. So she's like, oh my god, you guys, I'm so happy. I think that Rob makes my Botox wear off faster.

1:01:43Ben Mandelker: And then the weirdest part was that Heather and Terry DeBrow came over like, can we get in on this?

1:01:54So, Sandoval's like, whoa, actually, my Botox is wearing off faster too, bro. Hey, Rob, can I borrow some money for Botox, bro?

1:02:06Ben Mandelker: So, Rob's like, you know, I just want you guys to know that I invited you two over because out of all of Sheena's friends, you two are actually nice to each other. I was like, mm-hmm.

1:02:18Ben Mandelker: We'll just put a pin in that, okay? And Ariana's like, I don't know who's more into Rob, Sheena or Tom?

1:02:32And it just gets to Tom being like, whoa, are these muscles? Holy shit, bro. When do you have time to work out? Aren't you like saving kids and stuff? All right, cough. Cough. Whoa, bro. Totally healthy.

1:02:45Ben Mandelker: Dude, do you have like a Phillips used lights in here? Because that would really seal the deal. So then Rob's trying to be cool. He's like, guys, here comes the dessert that someone else made. Dessert and sex. They're just like very similar. Am I right? Good thing you're getting both tonight. I'm not finished, Sheena. I'm not finished. Oh, I'm sorry. Sex is like dessert. I don't really want any of them with Sheena around. Am I right? Sheena, could you go? I love how sarcastic he is all the time. It's like, actually, guys, we literally have sex 20 ,000 times a day. I'm not even kidding. It's all under seven minutes.

1:03:24It's amazing. right Rob? and he's like yeah sure and Tom is like babe can we have this vibe? and Ariana's just like

1:03:34Ben Mandelker: can we be on this level? can we dip out? man she doesn't answer him and so he just says it again like she just didn't hear him it's like can we be on this level? and she's like

1:03:52Ben Mandelker: and then we see a flashback where Sandoval's telling Jack, dude, Ariana and I haven't had sex in two months. I don't even know how I'm going to do this, bro. So then Sandoval's like, well, but Sheena, you're still technically married, right? She's like, technically on paper, yes, but paper's not everything. A lot of it's in your mind, but in two months or something, one year I'm not going to be married to Shane anymore. and she tells us, she's like, I have an app on my phone that's telling me exactly how long my marriage is going to... She literally says in front of the entire table, yeah, this is technically on paper I'm still married, which means that I can't get married to Rob until July.

1:04:38Ben Mandelker: And he's like, what?

1:04:43Ben Mandelker: I'm joking, obviously. Yes, and? I'm like a modern woman. I don't really need to be married to have a baby, right, Rob? Hey, I think a TV fell down. I'll be back in seven minutes. Yeah, I have a phone app that tells me the exact moment my divorce will be finalized. I have one month, one day, five hours, 35 minutes, five seconds until I'm officially divorced. Add two seconds for my bad side to catch up.

1:05:15Ben Mandelker: So then we go over to Katie and Schwartz's apartment. And Schwartz comes back with this painting he made of Jack. It's like, hey, Baba, I'm going to hang this. Actually, it's of Sandoval. I'm going to hang this painting of Sandoval, which is definitely a great omen for our marriage. This will fix everything. This is a gift I wanted to give you so that you know how sorry I am for everything I've hurt you with. A picture of your best friend that was probably there while you were fucking somebody on a couch? Thanks. Well, then why didn't you make a painting of me? I don't know how to get the shape of ranch right.

1:05:52Ben Mandelker: the instructor told me not to try cubism. So...

1:06:02So stupid. Cubism. Wow. But you know that Sandoval's my true love in life, right? And Katie's like, yeah, sometimes I think he should have just married Sandoval. We all do. We all do. We've always all agreed. Yes. So then we go back to the... Oh, no. So he's telling Schwartz that he's like, yeah, we were a painting today and all the guys had absinthe. But I wanted to show you how strong I am in my love for you. So I had just a little bit of absinthe. Whatever.

1:06:35Ben Mandelker: I've got someone new to be mad at. You're off the hook. According to Lala, there's a new development in the story. Oh, wait. Oh, this is fun. I actually am mad at you. You were calling a girl Bubba. What? When? Wait, is that Katie in here? I can't see anything. Is that a Katie impersonator? I think I blacked out from the absinthe shot. So she's like, yeah, like, honestly, Lala, that was like nothing compared to talking with Lisa. I mean, Lisa is really pissed at you. She says that since you're such a toxic man, she's giving you a watch to wear made out of gold just to show everyone how shameful you are.

1:07:15Ben Mandelker: She's so mad she wants to shoot a fake scene of her scolding you at a dog place. So get ready. So she's like, why would she be mad at me? I didn't cheat on her. She's still got the best rack out of anybody we know. Oh, God. I won't do this ever again. I'm not going to put myself in bad situations at clubs and shit. I can go out with the guys and grab a drink and have dinner, but that's all I'm going to do. I'm not going to black out for 36 hours straight on a vacation, or 36 hours straight not on vacation, or right now? Tom, I'm your wife. You should want to be married to me. And if you really wanted to be married to me, you would really make this work, Tom.

1:07:59Remember at our wedding when everybody was obsessed? It was like, FF. I mean, even like 10 years later, I'm still like, no, no, I will not. I do not have to, and I will not.

1:08:11Ben Mandelker: So now we go to like a relatively nice scene. Ariana and Lala go to a store where Trixie greets them with this great song. He goes, I want that new thing. I want it first. I want it sparkly. I'm like, COVID? But they cut her real song because, you know, Trixie really liked doing obvious songs about whatever scene was coming up. Like if the electricity wasn't working, she'd be like, it's dark. It's dark. So this one was just vagina. I hate it. Vagina. I hate it. Vagina, vagina. This is the famous I hate my vagina scene. So Lala, they're like, let's put Lala, who loves her vagina, together with Ariana, who hates her vagina, and see what happens.

1:09:00Ben Mandelker: Yeah, so they have this scene, and Ariana admits that she has a lot of insecurities about her vagina. And Lala, by the way, I love when Lala is just so true about herself. She goes, you know what? I want every woman to fucking know their worth. No, no, that was sarcastic, by the way. Well... It was sarcasm, sorry. Lala does not... I will say, I will say. I mean, her worth was high. But Lala... I will say, this was when Lala was like a national hero. I loved Lala in this phase. I didn't dislike Lala until way later in the game. I didn't dislike Lala until the Harvey Weinstein stuff. I shouldn't even give that man the credit.

1:09:43What was his name? What was his name? Russell. Rand Rand

1:09:49Ben Mandelker: Where did Russell come from But this was the part where I really still like Lala Where Lala's like I'm going on a fucking boat I don't need this fucking job anymore And they're like oh really? Whores go on boats That's what whores do They go on boats in Italy And she's like what's your point you fat bitch And I'm like I love a proud hoe This was back when I was like yes That's my girl it's actually nice to see an episode where I'm like that's my Lala you know I think I had transitioned out of Lala at that point because now she was friends with everyone because everyone realized like wait a second why are we making fights with the one person who has access to a private plane so once she was in with everyone she stopped being as interesting as opposed to the previous season when she's like nice winter bodies so I guess someone hasn't been working on their summer bodies But yeah, I loved her then So this is where Ariana's opening up About how she was with an emotionally abusive guy Who was really mean to her And Lala's like, well let me tell you what Your pussy is fucking amazing, bitch If I could wake up for breakfast Every fucking morning and eat whatever I wanted It would be your pussy It's amazing I'm gonna have a parade for your pussy If your pussy had legs It could stand up and vote for itself But it can't So I'm voting for it.

1:11:12Vote for Ariana's pussy. Yes. I was like, damn.

1:11:17Ben Mandelker: Every, my mama taught me this. Every morning, I wake up and I look in the mirrors and I look at every single part of my body and I compliment it. Like, hey, hands. You give good hand jobs. Hey, mouth. You give good blow jobs. Hey, armpits. You do some weird shit we're not going to talk about. She's like, say, are you fucking Tom? And she's like, no. So why aren't you fucking Tom? She's like, did I just tell you about my vagina? She's like, do you hate your vagina or do you hate Tom? She's like, I'm not really sure, but I don't want Tom inside of me. So she's like, power to the pussy, bitch. And that was that one.

1:11:59Ben Mandelker: My little kitty takes some deed like a chump. That's like her famous line that year. So now we go over to Vanderpump Dogs, where Tom Schwartz is going to learn a thing or two about how to work in business and have a wife. He's like, dead man walking, dong, dong, dead man walking, little boy in trouble. Kevin was left at the airport. Dr. John Sessa is like, shame, shame, shame. John Blizzard's like, just keep the dogs you adopt, bitch. I'm watching you. So a short person remembers Lucy Lucy. Apple Juicy. So they're like, here we are for the dog fundraiser Met Gala. They're still doing that. I got a thing last week that's like, come to the Met Gala for dogs.

1:12:53Vanderpump dogs. Keeping dogs out of sandwiches since 2017.

1:13:03So Lisa's like Before we talk about cute dogs You come here mister The way I've heard you treating women How am I supposed to trust you To run a squirrel system

1:13:15Ben Mandelker: Well I'm really good With handling peanuts so I think they'll like that And um I got my shot so I'm good with the rabies No not a real squirrel you imbecile Okay well Mia Culpa. You don't even know what that means. I thought I fucked her one time when I was blacked out. Does that count? You're thinking of Dua Lipa, you idiot. Oh, yeah. I like her. Listen here. I don't know what I'm saying, guys. I need someone I can trust in Toma Toma. You're going to own

1:13:48.0075203 of this restaurante. You need to show me that you're serious. Let me tell you something. divorces are made of sloppy mistakes. I mean, so is Katie, really. All of us are. This is Vanderpump Rules, so let's just be honest about that.

1:14:06Ben Mandelker: You know, Schwartzy nearly woke up without a wife. Well, next time, it will be without a business partner, but instead, a magician! Ah, magic! I'm taking your sin, and I'm turning it into a nickel that just came from behind your head! Oh, magic! This was, I believe, the final season before Lisa started wearing only magician outfits. By the way, I'm sorry. This recap is going to be 20 hours, especially to the husbands. We can't help it. This is an important episode. Go pee if you got to. We don't care. We know it's long. But we have to. These old Vanderpump rules. I mean, this was the season where Lisa wore magician's outfits all season.

1:14:52And this whole season of recaps is just Little Mermaid fanfic with Lisa being the octopus for Little Mermaid. Like, who really are you going to cheat on your wife?

1:15:04Ben Mandelker: You poor unfortunate girl. You poor unfortunate goat cheese balls. Sheena combing her hair with a fork. She's still doing that. Yeah, I mean, it is hilarious. Like, Lisa Vanderpump used to be the most glamorous person. The fact that, like, in one season, she went from being the most glamorous to wearing magician outfits and installing oversized pendulums into a bar is like an amazing turn for me. I really love that. So she lectures him and then we go over to Jackson, Brittany's apartment and we ho, okay? So Brittany's like, I really, seen him, seen him. We're going to get ready for the party. I'm so glad to have my girlfriends here to get ready for a party.

1:15:44He's like, and Kristen's like, yeah, we're here to hug.

1:15:47Ben Mandelker: Yeah. Even models can use glue gun sometimes, girlfriend. Hey, seriously, seriously. While you're pouring those gummies into a bowl, I've got to tell you something, okay? It has to do with Rob. Okay, so... Yeah, he is going to ask me to marry him very soon. Not really sure of the date, but save it anyway. Just save dates. All right, well, the night of the Vanderpump Dogs opening, we all went to El Carmen afterwards, but then, like, some of us went to, like, he went to, like, Toca Madera. Toca Madera. Yeah, Toca Madera. And he kissed some girl. He just kissed some chick. Like, oh, it's this, yeah.

1:16:17Oh, uh-huh. Yeah, I know, it's hard. Oh yeah, I already know this is a bunch of bullshit, okay? I already know it is.

1:16:24Ben Mandelker: Um, like, seriously, caca. She even, like, pulled up a picture on her phone of the two of you, and she was like, isn't this your girlfriend? And he was like, I don't know who she is. I've never seen her before in my life. Well, Shane, I just want you to hear it before you heard it from somewhere else, because if you hear it here, that's better than hearing it over there. I mean, what if you heard it over there? You would have been all alone, but here you're with us. I'm with Kristen. So, you know, it's really important that when you find out that your man's a piece of shit, that your friends tell you and warn you about us that we can stay with them for the next eight years of your life, okay?

1:16:56Yeah, but, like, it's really funny timing that, like, Schwartz cheats and Jax cheats and now Rob cheats, really. Rob has marble countertops. People like that don't cheat. And now you're saying he went up and he kissed somebody? I mean, he doesn't even kiss me, so why would he cheat?

1:17:14Ben Mandelker: Yeah. Every time he touches me, he's like, ew, and it's like we laugh. It's so funny.

1:17:25Ben Mandelker: Girl! He's like not a kisser or a talker. One of his favorite jokes is that when we're walking into a house together, he slams the door in my face and then calls the police. It's so funny. Who would even say that Rob kisses people? That is crazy. And like Katie, she goes, oh, yeah. Of course it's Katie saying it. She's jealous. So she's like, yeah, you know what? I don't think there's another word besides cop fitness to describe Katie. You're doing that thing, okay? You're doing that fake thing right now. You're doing that thing where you're like fissioning with your nails. I know you are, Sheena.

1:18:06My boyfriend's amazing and he's going to marry me. I possibly have his baby inside of me right now. His baby is like hanging a TV inside of my room right now.

1:18:15Ben Mandelker: She literally goes, I just think it's convenient that now the rumors are starting and I have an amazing boyfriend who I've known for like 11 years and he would never do that and I appreciate this and we've dropped it and we're talking about cake pops now. We are talking about cake pops. So Kristen's doing her like, oh, my friend is just delusional, but this is how it looks on Kristen. Oh, cacao. Oh, cacao. Cacao. So then we go to Schwartz's and they're getting ready for the party and he's like, hey, Bubba, I love you so much. Oh, bye, shots. Bye. I used to like your shots. We used to be good friends.

1:18:59But then I decided my wife was better so I'm not going to have any of you anymore. Katie, did you hear that? Breaking up with your shots. Bubba, I love you, Bubba.

1:19:10Ben Mandelker: So we go over to the housewarming party and people are arriving. Peter's dancing, so we get that. He's like, hey.

1:19:19Hello, fellow children.

1:19:21Ben Mandelker: I brought some pans. Hey, I just watched Million Dollar Baby. Didn't feature any millions or any babies. Don't get it. I panned that movie. Ha.

1:19:38So, Britney's like, everybody. Everybody. Everybody. Y 'all got to drink these jello shots, okay?

1:19:48So they're like doing the jello shots And Kristen's like Oh my god I can't even do this jello shot My tongue's too short

1:20:01She's like a bird who can't see right in front of their nose For some reason Like if you put your treat right in front of your dog's nose And they're like what the fuck I have to get Bueller by the side If she sees it right there She's like

1:20:21Ben Mandelker: so then sheena's like taking selfies of course and jack's like oh my god sheena i mean like she's on her fucking cell phone again i mean how many selfie snapshots do you need to have taken one day i mean the only way that she would know if rob was cheating is if he did it behind her one of her selfies i'm right she's so self-involved says the guy who has spent all of this season in the valley being like what about me what about me what about what i'm going through so sheena is over talking to stassi because stassi's there like oh god what the fuck this place smells i hate everybody here it's love it's fucking we ho fire come we started all on fire fucking hate this life so sheena comes over saying hi saucy how are you she's like wishing i was dead sheena how are you and she's like i'm so good like rob is about to propose to me like any second now like it's literally crazy.

1:21:11Like, I'm tearing around a tiny blow-up pillow in my purse because he really doesn't like getting down on his knees. It really hurts him. So I just want to make sure he's comfortable when he does it.

1:21:18Ben Mandelker: Yeah, there's, like, all these rumors about, like, Taco Madera. And I'm just like, stop talking about Taco Madera. We all know he never even goes to Taco Madera. And if he does go there, he's not gonna kiss anyone at Taco Madera. So, like, please, with the Taco Madera. Enough with the Taco Madera. Stassi's like, I don't even know you. We're not friends. Stassi's like, Sheena was the only person to support me while these other bitches bullied me for one night, so I had to be nice to her. For an hour. That hour is up. I have an app on my phone that counts the hours since the hour that I had to be nice to this bitch.

1:21:51Ben Mandelker: And Sheena is still prattling on. She's like, it took me years to get over Shea. I'm like, didn't you break up with Shea last year? But that's fine. It took me years to get over Shea, and the first month I was just so sad, and now I do want to have a house with Rob, and right now I go to his place, and he has this dog, and the dog comes over to me and kisses me on the cheek, I'm like, oh my god, you kissed me by Rob Wilson. That's so funny. But don't worry, at least there's still some happy couples. We see Schwartz and Katie walking around. And Schwartz is like, whoa, you've got wavy hair, Katie.

1:22:19Whoa, hey, ring, ring. What? Farrah Fawcett. Hey, Farrah Fawcett wants her hair back.

1:22:27Ben Mandelker: I don't even know who that is. But she sounds disgusting. So then, meanwhile, oh, this is a great moment. Over in the corner, we hear a... Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Fat sluts all around the town. Walking off the sidewalk, walking down the sidewalk. Fat sluts get them bringing me down. I don't want to see them because they're all stupid. Dating old men, fat old men. Get away from me, you're just a stupid boy. Girl, boy, you're all dumb. All fat, stupid and ugly. Ugly and fat and slutty and stupid. I hate you all, I'm just a good boy. Wiggy, wiggy.

1:23:10Ben Mandelker: Oh, my God. James, it's Sandoval is providing the beat, and James is freestyling. And just the Sandoval being the one, he's like...

1:23:27So then we go to Jax's den, and he's talking to Carter, and he's like, I'm not trying to have an argument with Brittany tonight, dude, but it seems like it's coming. I don't know what it is. She gave me a jello shot, did a shot ski with me, but all the pins are set up. All the pins, they're all coming to get me, bro. They're all coming.

1:23:45Ben Mandelker: Carter's like, well, you're in a bad blaze. It's like, yeah, man, I really am. It's just like, I don't know. It's just like it's really so deep-rooted. It's like, you know, if a fucking squirrel walked up to me with a pussy, I probably would have fucked it. Actually, come to think of it, I did. I probably should tell her that. So Brittany here is in. She's like, what are y 'all talking about in here? What are y 'all talking about? Talking about fucking squirrels, theoretically. Well, you need to talk to me about fucking squirrels, Jax. Why are you talking to me about fucking squirrels? Why are you talking to some person that don't nobody know?

1:24:14I'm sorry, person.

1:24:15Ben Mandelker: I'm just trying to vent to Carter. Like, sometimes a dude just wants to fucking squirrel. I am your wife one day, Jack. Oh, wow. Oscar goes to Britney. Oscar goes to Britney. I have to blue cheese to your chicken wing. You sit your ass down and talk to me there. I just want to fuck a squirrel. I just want to fuck a squirrel. What about what I'm going through? I just want to fuck a squirrel. They're hot. They're the hottest rodents. So Lala is hearing all this, and she's like, Ariana, can I go kick his fucking ass yet? I'm not even going to do it with my hands. I'm going to do it with my pussy.

1:24:46My pussy's going to beat the shit out of that.

1:24:48Ben Mandelker: Wait, hold on one second. Hey, pussy, I forgot to tell you, you're really good at beating the shit out of fuckboys.

1:24:58So Kristen's like, Hey, Brittany, you okay? Want something to drink? Come on. So I'm like, let's do a shot. Fuck this shit.

1:25:07Ben Mandelker: Here, I'll hold the shot up for you. Okay. All right, Brittany, here comes your shot.

1:25:16Ben Mandelker: It's like I'm surfing, but on dry land. So we go out to the balcony, and James and Ariana are talking to Lala. And Ariana's like, oh, my God. Kristen said that she heard Jack's yelling. And Lola's like, not only did he fucking do what he did with Faith, there's fucking audio. There's audio on that fucking phone.

1:25:40Faith recorded that shit. For a while, we thought all Faith did was come in and take Tom and Tom's spermy-covered couch from their shitty apartment. But Faith came up to fucking play. And if we're not going to give her any scenes, she's got voice notes on her fucking iPhone.

1:25:58Ben Mandelker: So just for those who don't remember the scandal, Jax had sex with Faith while she was tending to an older lady. Yeah, Faith was like a nurse. She was like a home nurse. She was like a senior citizen. And there was like a hundred-year-old lady dying in the bed. And Jax came over, and they just fucked right in front of this lady. Just fucked in front of the senior citizen. And I love that Faith does not give a fuck about her jobs. It's funny because she has lawsuits against Bravo for all of this, basically. All these years later, she's got, well, not all of this. There's a lot that happened. But she's got all of this workplace environment lawsuit stuff going on with Bravo.

1:26:36And it's just so funny going back to this episode where her workplace environment was literally fucking Jax in front of a hundred-year-old.

1:26:44Ben Mandelker: So Lala's talking about this recording that, yes, Faith recorded a poise-coital conversation or maybe coital or pre-coital. or all coital? Coital coital. Omni-coital. It was squirt-coital. It was all omni-coital conversation. It was curdle-squirt-coital. Squirt-coital. Squirt-coital. So they're like, Brittany, Brittany, we have to talk to you. She's like, what are your mom? Y 'all doing the shots? Y 'all doing the shots? Anybody heard about Jack's fucking a squirrel? Do I tell her? Do I tell her? Okay, I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. Should I tell her? Ariana, you want to tell her?

1:27:17Ben Mandelker: You haven't done anything in this episode, okay? You want to do it? Ariana's like, Oh, I don't want to ruin her night. I just can't do this. I'm too good of a person. So Brittany's like, just tell me, y 'all. Please just tell me. Please. And Lala's like, we have a voice note from Fitz. Where she's fucking jacked. It's on a voice note. You better what? You better what about it? You better what about it? Give that to me. Give that to me right now. I'm putting this on the Bluetooth speakers. Hi, everybody. Hi, everybody. Come on, listen in. Hey, y 'all know my boyfriend's squirrel fucker, don't you?

1:27:56Well, let's check out his single faith fucker. Let's check it out. Boop. Boop. Boop. Boop. Oh, hold on. I can get it. Just give me a second. Give me a second. It's okay. This happens to people sometimes.

1:28:13Ben Mandelker: Do I feel a draft? Shut up. Everything's okay in here. Just hurry, get it up. I don't have that much time. Just get it. I'm trying. I'm trying. Did someone put on CBS, Matlock's monster? God damn it. Let me just go turn on the TV for her. Hold on one second. Yeah, take your time. I need to get this fucking thing. It's not you. It's not me either. It's that whole fucking lady. I always get the fates on my Matlock's. I don't get it no more. Oh, God. I'm hard. Get back in here. Get back in here. Is that Angela Lansbury? God damn it, fucker. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Hey, this is an earthquake.

1:28:50And scene. So.

1:28:55There's some audio. So Brittany listens to it. She's like, I never trusted that murder she wrote, bitch. Jax. Jax, you fucking piece of shit is what you are. You better rock in hell. Rock in hell, Jax. You better rock in hell. Rock in hell. Rock in hell, Jax. Rock in hell. And that brings us to the end of Vanderpump Rules.

1:29:20Ben Mandelker: Thank you so much, Jalice, for coming out tonight. We love you, and we'll see you next time. We love you guys. Bye. Thank you.

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