#2951 The Valley S2E16 Part One: Lost Sporkle

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1:05Watch What Crabins

1:30Ronnie Karam: Hi, Roddy. How are you? Good. Great. Excellent. I'll tell you what I brought today. What? My sparkle. Everybody, welcome. It's the Valley Reunion Part 1 Recap. Just a reminder, you can watch this on video if you'd prefer over at Crappens on Demand, which is on Patreon. That's also where you find our bonus episodes. This week is a nice long recap of Beyonce and the Backstreet Boys in Las Vegas and Travel Woes. Because, you know, we love to discuss some Travel Woes. Delta, Mandalay Bay, the Cosmo. Bastards. All of you. All three of you. All three of you are in the doghouse.

2:11Ben Mandelker: They tried to take away our sparkle. Yeah, they stole our sparkle. Yeah, but Backstreet Boys brought them back. Backstreet's sparkles back. All right.

2:23Ronnie Karam: uh so today is a reunion for the valley how you feel ben how do you feel about the vow reunion was actually the first reunion ever for the valley yeah i thought it was a great

2:37Ben Mandelker: first episode we just sat through uh three really unimpressive atlanta reunion episodes i mean the second episode on atlanta was okay it was all right but like they were they were really scraping for content like it really was should have been a super-sized one episode reunion maybe two so this one the valley is bursting with things to discuss and you know the reunions really come alive when there's when there's things to sink your teeth into and um i thought the first episode was was great what did you think and i loved how it was lit i loved how it was so bright and everyone looked kind of like ai renderings because their makeup was like really like you could really see their makeup.

3:18Ben Mandelker: I loved it. What'd you think?

3:20Ronnie Karam: Well, I think whatever stylist Brittany uses for this, she needs to use for everything because she looked much like if you look at her when she went on watch what happens live, she looked sad. I don't know something sad. I mean, she was probably sad, but I don't mean sad, like physically. I mean, it was just, she looked like a disaster. Okay. She looked like a damn, her makeup looked crazy. Her clothes look crazy. Everything looked crazy. And on this, she looked very put together and very. So anyway, just keep that, keep this one, whoever you're using on this one, keep them, Brittany. Okay. They brought back your sparkle.

3:55Ronnie Karam: They brought back your sparkle. I love the fur coat that Jesse showed up in, in the beginning. I think he should have worn it the whole time. Um, but yeah, I mean, most of this is just watching kind of a trashy couple screaming at each other, But hey, I'm down. Yeah. Back to childhood. So let's get into it. Hey, everybody. Welcome to the Valley Season 2 Reunion. I'm Andy Cullen. I have babies. I'm fucking exhausted. All right. Let's get to it.

4:26Ben Mandelker: Yeah. Well, this will be fun, Brittany. Okay, everyone. America, we're going to introduce all the cast for the next 20 minutes because it's a big cast, Brittany. Great to see you. will tonight be the longest time you spent with jackson a year and she's like yeah wow and jacks how does it feel to be wearing clothes that are on merch from your bar although are those merch branded jacks's bars lifts in your shoes wow you guys thought of everything yeah he's like is that

4:57Ronnie Karam: conscious he wear jack's merch yes it's conscious it's also he has to do his own laundry now and he ain't doing it. So he's going to wear the same thing every day. And he's like, got to support the bar, Andy. Okay, Michelle moved in with your boyfriend, Aaron. How's that going? We all know now because we shot this reunion 19 years ago and a lot's happened since then. Aaron dumped you. So we know that, but we don't know that yet. So how are you feeling? She's like, I made the best decision ever. We have Isabella 50 % of the dime. It is a disaster.

5:35Ronnie Karam: Isabella's very happy, guys. Don't worry. She's super, super happy. Isabella's getting a lot of Coke-themed honey in her breakfast. So she's psyched.

5:44Ben Mandelker: Yeah. Well, she was. Not anymore. So Michelle, yeah, she's like, yeah, Isabella is happy. All right, Jesse, we saw you and your tidy. What is the season of more like tidy grays? What's going on? Well, I've since ordered new underwear. because Zach told me they were a little bit too baggy.

6:06Ronnie Karam: Yeah, droopy drawers. So they talk about underwear, Kristen's pregnant, guys. So, you know, that's great. And her water could break at any moment. No, I'm not even kidding, Eddie. And how does Luke feel about being here? You know, he's a little unprepared because we don't have a to-go bag for the hospital with us. Oh, please. What are you going to have in the to-go bag? He's going to bring like a pair of scissors and a tent and a flashlight and like one of those lamps that don't need oil. I don't trust him. He's going to bring some granola bar. He's just going to bring camping shit.

6:48Ben Mandelker: He's bringing stuff that's going to be very unuseful in the hospital. Do you have my sundress? No, but I have a tarp. Seriously? So Andy, I mean Nia, you and Nanny went for, went for, quote unquote, for it. Four under four, buddy. Four under four. Wow, Danny, haven't even more time than we're going to hear you say that, huh? You're not going to say it like right now, are you?

7:20Ronnie Karam: Protect your peace, Daniel. Protect your peace.

7:25Ben Mandelker: Daddy, she's four under four.

7:27Ronnie Karam: are. Zach, how did Benji enjoy your scrotox? And he's like, um, I thought we would have noticed it more, but apparently he didn't.

7:38Ben Mandelker: By the way, Zach, I would say, is the real star of this reunion because he barely got to say a word, but he spent the entire episode making the most hilarious, amazing faces. Every time something happened, it would just cut to Zach. And he'd be like, hmm. He would tilt his head to the side and bulge his eyes out and look over to the left. It was amazing. He did great work.

7:58Ronnie Karam: He was just making his neighbor from the Bewitched series, Gladys Kravitz, popping by and being like, did I just see you flying? Face through the whole thing. Jasmine's here. I think she says only this through the entire reunion. She's engaged. Yes. That's all we got from her. Janet lost a lot of baby weight. How'd she do it? Through Adderall and Pilates, Andy. wasn't that hilarious everybody. Cool Janet. Cool Janet.

8:30Ben Mandelker: Cool Janet. Cool Janet whose storyline was about accusing someone of substance abuse. Anyway Adderall Pilates.

8:37Ronnie Karam: I know I caught that too. I hope they use that against her all year next year because that's the big thing because that's what they call coke on Bravo. You know everybody's like I'm addicted to Adderall. Craig's thing. No you're a coke head and we all fucking know it. So I like that Janet

8:53Ben Mandelker: it just came out on national tv and basically called herself a cokehead yeah yeah um but not

9:00Ronnie Karam: ozempic people are still being so uh ridiculous over the really big stuff yes it's got girls of course i think that look and of course i think that anybody who loses weight is probably taking that but it's a hell of a lot easier and uh probably safer for your heart at least than taking a bunch of Adderall, I would think. But yeah, I would think I've done both. And I'll tell you, I have a lot of I have a lot less rage on the shots than I did on the Adderall.

9:29Ben Mandelker: Well, I think Ozempic is now prescribed for weight loss and Adderall isn't. So I think, yeah, I think it's just right built in right there, built in right there. Which one's the better one to use?

9:44Ronnie Karam: Good point. And listen, I'm not I'm not a big shamer on any of those things. I've used Adderall. I've used Ozempic. I've used Coke. So I'm not really going to judge any of it. It's just that it's Janet, the judgiest one out of everybody. So it's more fun, you know? Yeah, yeah, I get it. It's like I don't judge abortions, but I really loved it when that pregnant, that Republican congresswoman who voted against abortion rights had to get one because she was having a terrible pregnancy. And then she blamed the Democrats for it. I mean, it's like people like that. You know what I mean? I'll shame you.

10:15Ronnie Karam: I'll shame you for it.

10:18Ben Mandelker: Yeah, everyone, we will shame. We will shame when we want to shame. It's our choice. Okay. And don't shame us for our shaming decisions. If we don't shame when you want us to shame, then shame on you for trying to shame us into shaming when we want to, but don't want to shame someone. But we will shame when you don't want to shame someone.

10:35Ronnie Karam: No, you can shame me. That's kind of my kink. I don't know. I was just doing wordplay. I was doing wordplay. Shame on you. Shame on you for wordplaying. I'm trying to be very serious about Republican congressperson abortions.

10:49Ben Mandelker: take it to shame simpson queen of snarkasm so anyway jason what's up with you jason are you wearing your wedding ring today and he's like hi andy i am i am yes wearing my wedding ring yes that was also the last we heard of jason all episode too so thank god

11:08Ronnie Karam: shut up over there hey be like you are in your marriage in this reunion silent and agreeable thanks silent and agreeable and very good looking So Andy is... It's worn off. It's not good looking. No, his soul tarnished it. His soul tarnished it. And then his whole, like, being the only one to follow Jax into the reunion. You know, did you notice that at the beginning? In the beginning of the reunion, when everybody's arriving, people are like, oh, my God, is Jax coming? Like, oh, my God, Jax is coming. Jax is coming. And then everyone just kind of stayed in their dressing room. But it's like the second you can smell Jax, because, you know, you can smell Jax show up.

11:42Ronnie Karam: You just know you can. And Jason ran right out of his dressing room and like wagged his little tail and follow Jackson. Like, you know, keep following the abuser, Jason. Yeah, he's really, he's really, this is like, he's really picked the wrong horse in this race.

11:59Ben Mandelker: That's for sure. All right. Well, I want to dive in. You, Kristen, you have called yourself an empath. And I have to say, you may have been the voice of reason for this season. Seriously, who would have thunk? Well, how does that feel? Well, I had one moment that I was not proud of so I can just start this off with an apology to Janet For the crap that was flying out of my mouth when I was like, I'm gonna beat your ass. I'm gonna knock you out That wasn't kind of me. So I apologize But we know it's true because Kristen's so floppy she beats everyone's ass who walks by oh, sorry Just our arms are flying hitting people in the face no matter what I

12:40Ronnie Karam: I would never, you know, that wasn't my best moment. And also calling you a whore, that is obviously not true. Nobody would pay you for sex. Who are we kidding? Okay. But you know, the decibel of my voice, not great. Not great. I looked at Luke and I said, was that crazy? And he was like, kind of. And I was like, do not forget to pack worms when we go to the hospital to deliver the baby. He was like, how else am I going to fish? Thank God.

13:08Ben Mandelker: and I guess by the way since Sweet Mariposa is like the big Fleetwood Mac fan of the cast we should correct ourselves from our podcasting yesterday when we were questioning and mainly me the lyric thunder only always follows rain whatever we said we said the lyric was thunder always follows rain when it rains or something thunder always happens

13:32Ronnie Karam: thunder only happens when it rains yeah we got an email from Stevie Nicks And she was like, so there you go. Also cursed. No. And Janet just got all she wanted, which was, I appreciate the apology. I appreciate that. Thank you, Kristen. Thank you. Well, that's a good way to start. I love apologies. All right. Let's celebrate an abuser. You guys ready? Okay. So I wonder, Jax and Brittany, what's the status of your divorce? And she's like, hopefully it's happening soon. But he called the other night and said he might get kicked off the show. so he's prolonging it in case he needs to get alimony from me and Jax is like that is somewhat true that is somewhat true

14:14Ben Mandelker: what a piece of shit right and so and he's like well you know he's like we'll agree with you in what you said whatever and he's like okay well Jesse and Michelle what are your goals for tonight other than tearing each other apart and I'm already shaking

14:35Ronnie Karam: And Jackson's like, you should shake. You should shake. Like, they're not even going to let their abuse fighting stop in between questions. You know, they're just like, we're keeping it. Keep the small line. But Jesse takes it. He's like, you know, there's just this constant battle with Michelle of who's going to win. And she's like, I was never trying to win. There is no winning with you. And he's like, well, you were trying to win. You're even trying to win the conversation about trying to win. Win neither. Hey, you need some wins? Are you going to go to Vegas? You'll stay at the win. I'll bet you'll stay at the win, win meter.

15:12Ben Mandelker: What am I trying to win? I already did win because now I have 5 % of Rob Reiner's estate.

15:23Ronnie Karam: So a lot happened this season. It was full of high highs, low lows, and a surprise engagement and two new babies. through everything. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Let's talk about your first baby, Kristen, okay? And she's like, oh, now I'm near the end. It's just so strange. I mean, we got a sonogram, and the baby is already moving its head around looking for a straw. It's going like, oh.

15:49Ben Mandelker: Wow, how soon after the show wrapped did you find out you were pregnant? About two weeks later, something like that. Wow, great, Luke. How have Kristen's moods been? well he's like well the first trimester wasn't fun and the second trimester was pretty okay but she's back to being um she's back to being uh pretty much a pain and a monster uh okay well we could have told you that was gonna happen even before she was pregnant

16:12Ronnie Karam: really rough uh god first trimester baby started to kick during the second she would just stare down and grab her stomach and start screaming whore really loudly andy i thought i

16:24Ben Mandelker: sorry is that obviously you're not a whore gone so what do you think in the end is what helped you get pregnant all the hormones and i did an iui and um did a lot of lit a lot of candles huge amount of candles and um you know just uh calling out and watch gilmore girls all right well adderall

16:47Ben Mandelker: you have a wedding to plan as well where are we with that oh nowhere near that uh but i did uh Just find out that the 500 flower crowns that I ordered for it will be arriving soon. So step one is taken care of. Yes. Yeah.

17:02Ronnie Karam: We're just trying to get a free date from the park, Andy. So. I feel like Kristen will have a park wedding.

17:09Ben Mandelker: There'll be a lot of like canopies and it'll be just like very, it'll look like Midsommar or something like that. Like people, it'll just be very hippie.

17:18Ronnie Karam: And, but also with other families, they're just playing. They're like, oh God, people getting married in the park. this is why we pay taxes great frisbee's gonna hit her in the middle of her vows oh seriously so what is going on here i tried not to do this on frisbee golf day

17:37Ben Mandelker: jill just catches it you're all whores suck a frisbee golfers

17:48Ronnie Karam: Luke, I vow from here to when you hold me till I'm dead. So I'm going to take Diana. So you and Janet, you and Kristen have had your ups and downs. How's she going to do as a mom? And Janet's like, she's going to be a great mom, Andy, because she's a good dog mom. And that's hard. So I'm sure that Kristen will take her baby outside every time it needs to poop and make sure it adds a little water to their food to

18:18Ben Mandelker: make sure it's not too hard to chew wow that's great insight well there must have been something in the water in the valley that week because just as kristin and luke were conceiving their fertile friends danny and nia were getting pregnant with baby number four nia how does this pregnancy

18:38Ronnie Karam: been different for you yeah and she's like um you know we've been saying ups and downs a lot so far this reunion so i'm gonna go with ups and downs uh andy ups and downs you know and i get to enjoy it um because there's not as many ups and downs and andy's like danny we heard you complain a lot about how little sleep you're getting uh why are you putting yourself through this just for a child Could you hire no one? I mean, come on. And he's like, I didn't. She leg locked me, Andy. She leg locked me. Funny, right, guys?

19:13Ben Mandelker: She's a fourth degree black belt. All right. Well, is there a vasectomy in your future? You're just going to just go for five under fives. Yeah. I was going to say if there's any guys that want to do a vasectomy with me. Oh, Jax, you're raising your hand. I'm not sure I want to do that with you, Jax. Okay. because Jax is like, I'll do it. I totally want to do it. But like, Jax, you haven't, like you, I guess I'm wondering how many babies are out there that have been unclaimed by Jax and by pop culture.

19:45Ronnie Karam: How does Jax even have working sperm? Like, how does he have working sperm? Like, I just don't believe, I don't believe it. Yeah, I agree.

19:53Ben Mandelker: So yeah, Jax wants to get one. And Andy's like, well, Jax, do you use birth control? He's like, do I use birth control? No, condoms. Seriously, condoms? Condoms are birth control, Jax. Oh, um, I'm not really. Um, yeah.

20:12Ronnie Karam: He's disgusting. I wouldn't touch that dirty dick with a 10-inch pole. He's going to have 20 baby mamas if he doesn't get it for sake to me, Andy. He's disgusting. And he's like, that's not what you said four months ago when we were out at the aquarium. And you were like, do you think we should hook up one more time? You said that. You said it at Hooters. You said it four months ago at Hooters. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crappens commercial. I love sandwiches. I eat a sandwich almost every single day of my life. And the best part of a sandwich is the bread. There can be a little carb guilt with bread eating, but not with Hero Bread.

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22:41Ronnie Karam: Brittany's still going to Hooters with Jax? That's why I can't with Brittany's whole like, Oh, really? I touched my dick with a 10-foot bullet? You went to Hooters with Jax, Brittany? Come on, man. I'm trying to root for you here.

22:54Ben Mandelker: I'm confused because he's like, that's not what you said at the aquarium. And you said it then. But then he's like, you said it at Hooters. I'm like, did you go to Hooters or did you go to the aquarium? It was a family day then. Did you go to the aquarium and then Hooters? They went to the aquarium.

23:09Ronnie Karam: It was a family day. They took the kid to the aquarium at the Hooters. So this is Brittany and Jax we're talking about.

23:17Ben Mandelker: It's great. It's just great. You know, I think that people always forget that Jax like knocked up that girl in Vegas and like what paid for her abortion or something. Speaking of abortions. Right. That was a whole like a whole thing on season one of the show. Season two. I mean, you would think after that you would maybe, you know, put a condom on or something. But, you know, all the rumors about what he's got going on down there.

23:42Ronnie Karam: Yeah. I mean, I would think that you wear a condom, but I don't know. So Jax is like, oh, please, you wouldn't touch me. You're just like hooking up with a guy who was hooking up with porn stars. And so you do that, too. I mean, you're with OnlyFan models and porn stars yourself. What are you talking about, Jax? Okay, please put up the picture of the lady that Jax is banging with the giant boobs, because I love every time they show that picture. It's so funny. I don't know why that picture is so funny. But honestly, how can it not be? I know.

24:13Ben Mandelker: I just love Jax saying you're sleeping with guys who sleep with porn stars. You are the guy who sleeps with porn stars, Jax. Yeah.

24:22Ronnie Karam: And he's like, yeah, you, like I go to your room, there's condoms all over the floor. It's like, at least I use them. At least I use them. And then you throw them on the floor. Oh God, this couple really is disgusting. I mean, team Brittany, but both also team both gross some of the time, you know, like, yeah. Yeah.

24:41Ben Mandelker: All right. Well, welcome back to the season two reunion. Okay, Kristen, if you and Nia bonded a lot during your journeys, she's like, oh yeah, I don't know what I'd do without her, you know, just a fertility journey alone and the whole pregnancy. She's already helped me with postpartum and all, anything you could even ask for, it's Nia. And he's like, okay. So Andy asked me about like -

25:01Ronnie Karam: We're going through postpartum depression before we've even had our babies, Andy. So she's really on it. She's really on it.

25:08Ben Mandelker: Prepartum Fleetwood Mac.

25:10Ronnie Karam: I've already taught her to say no Danny no

25:15Ben Mandelker: so Andy asks about postpartum and Nia's hoping that she doesn't have it this time because she says that last time with the twins there was just so many hormones that that like you know is what caused it but you never know it's out of her control etc and then Andy feels bad for Nia for you know regarding her body image he says that was really heartbreaking to watch the pressure she puts on herself. So then we see again, she's at the plastic surgeon's office talking, going down a list of all the things that she wants adjusted.

25:47Ronnie Karam: Andy, who's already commented on a woman's weight and usually asks every woman on the stage when she last got plastic surgery is like, whoa, I really feel bad about your body image. Welcome to Bravo sucker. So what's a mommy makeover? Are you going to get new pubes? for you. Tell me about your new boobs. What are they going to look like? Can I touch them? Do you have any samples I can just play with? I'll tell you which are better. Well, you know, I live in LA and, you know, it's good to want to feel good in your skin. You know, it's good to get another skin. You know, give yourself grace. I try to find balance.

26:24Ronnie Karam: And so she's planning a mommy makeover and Brittany's like, I'll go. I'll go with you. I'll go with you. I think at the very least, Brittany should get rid of the boobs that Jax made her get. Because remember, those were forced boobs on Brittany. He's like, I'll get a few boobs if you get a size triple Z. And she's like, whoa, I don't know. And everybody was like, Brittany, please don't do this to yourself. I'm like, no, I'm gonna do it. And now she's like, ow, ow. So get those out at least, you know. Get the last reminder of Jax out of you.

26:54Ben Mandelker: She really should get those out. So they're all joking. Like, Jesse's like, I'll do it with you.

27:00Ronnie Karam: I had those, I'd just look in the mirror and see two Jax heads. staring back at me every time.

27:05Ben Mandelker: Like an old Benny Hill show.

27:11Ben Mandelker: Just like that. They just snort every time.

27:13Ronnie Karam: Just snort and sweat.

27:15Ben Mandelker: What's that noise? Oh, my baby's just snorting again. I would have got some Kleenex for my boobs. They're snorting. Michelle, see, Chris and Aeneas, is it giving you baby fever? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. I remember not sleeping well and your back hurting, but then I remembered that was because I was sleeping next to Jesse and he is pointy. It hurts my back.

27:40Ronnie Karam: I have a constant dream that I'm having another baby that comes out with a little beanie on its head or a headband. And I cannot let myself do it. Although Aaron wants multiple children, but I will not do it. I said, no, that is not going to happen. But I am open to it. And do you think you're going to get engaged to Aaron? And she's like, there is no rush, but that is the goal. How can you not want to get married to a man whose eyes bob out every time you come in the room? Or anybody comes in the room. Or when he's sleeping, generally. I love bobbing eyes, Andy.

28:14Ben Mandelker: Poor Michelle. They just broke up or announced their breakup like five days ago. So it's always so harsh when this happens on Bravo, when they're on TV talking about their future and they know it's already, we know it's already never going to happen.

28:28Ronnie Karam: I don't think it's sad. I think it's actually great. I mean, she's dating a guy who's selling honey called Kilo. His dog's called Kilo. And all of the descriptions on the website are like, yeah, you craving Kilo? Yeah, get your stash, get an eight ball of Kilo delivered to your house. I mean, it's obviously another Coke fan. I mean, you know, as a Coke fan, I say that's probably not great for the kids to watch.

28:51Ben Mandelker: Well, yeah. I'm not saying he's the right guy. But I'm just saying, when you see her talking, like, yeah, there could be a future here. and you're like, no, no, it's already over. So this season, we saw not one, but two married couples reach their breaking point and file for divorce. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Anyway, I want to start with Jesse and Michelle, America's Sweethearts. Michelle, last season, we saw your relationship on the rocks and Jesse fighting to keep the marriage together or at least doing fake tears and having one day of ayahuasca. What was the tipping point that made you leave? The only answer is his personality, but let's see what you have to say about it.

29:30Ronnie Karam: Did you watch season one, Andy? Like, why do I have to explain this to you? It was a lot. You know, I was tired every day of the same thing. You are always diminishing me, that you are putting me down. And that is the bare minimum. And she was like, why do I want to be with somebody who treats me like shit? You know, well, dead eyes over there. There's an asshole. What more do you want from me? You know, and then at one point, it's our anniversary. and I looked at him and I saw nothing in there but swirling smoke. And I asked myself, is this how you want to feel every day until you die? And so I left, you know, and so he's like, well, we saw you guys struggling to co-parent.

30:12Ronnie Karam: That was fun. Has it gotten any better? And Jesse's like, it was pretty good. We're pretty good when it comes to decisions for Isabella. You know, is your mom a whore? Yes, we agree. so that's pretty good um but we struggle with uh something else oh she says that uh wait what did he say oh i know that she weaponizes isabella and i weaponize isabella we both weaponize isabella you know she's still at that age where she's easy to like physically throw at each other and uh so we do that it's like a pillow fight but with a toddler you know we put her into

30:52Ben Mandelker: a leg and shoot her at each other it's my turn to put isabella into my canyon cannon

31:01Ronnie Karam: i'll put you know one of those little plastic baby sporks into her uh her hand and then i'll fling her across the room and hope she gets michelle in the eye you know it's just it's it's a fun game we play handy so uh you know someone on twitter uh tweeted the following

31:19Ben Mandelker: He goes, it's so weird. Clearly, Jesse is problematic, but I can't put my finger on why Michelle comes across so unlikable and he doesn't. I would say, well, first of all, I think the answer to that is obviously like ingrained misogyny. Right. I think that's like step one. But step two is like, I feel like Jesse is he's always on the offense and she's always on the defense. I feel like, well, not all, not all, not all the time, but a lot of the time, but like Jesse is given space to like smile and laugh and be charismatic. And she has to be like, look at this asshole guys, look at this asshole.

32:02Ben Mandelker: And then people are like, boo, Michelle, you're so boring. You're so lame. You're not funny. You're not charismatic. Don't you feel like that's fucked up? Doesn't it?

32:09Ronnie Karam: Well, that's how they do it on these shows on the, on the Vanderpump Rules show. That's like a longstanding tradition where the guy comes on and he acts charming. He acts like an asshole off screen, but he has a lot of charm and some some looks. I mean, this guy is an ex model, you know, and they come on and they act like, oh, I'm doing all the right things. I'm going to therapy and trying to work things out for the sake of the baby. When meanwhile, they're calling their wife fat off screen, screaming at them, staying out all night, going through over a million dollars in cash throughout the year while their wife is stuck at home with the kid.

32:40Ronnie Karam: probably cheating doing all of this other crap uh making them crazy and so then they come act charming on tv and they're like and then say one little thing to keep pushing after pushing and pushing and then she gets mad and then everyone's like god she's a bitch and he's a real handsome charming guy i can see why he wants to write her we've seen it happen with uh tom and katie you know tom did that for years with katie we see it with tom sandoval and ariana how he tried to play that off i mean he got caught but he tried to play that off the whole last season like she's just frigid and doesn't want anything to do with me bro we see it with jacks and how jacks has always been with britney you know just trying to push her and then be like why are you yelling me when i'm trying to make all these changes i mean it's bravo it's a bravo standard you know yeah i think you said it so perfectly pull out the charm make the woman look fucking crazy and the thing that makes me crazy is the women who fall for it and i see it all the time in the comment sections to you know michelle's job isn't to make you feel like she's charming and fun guys she's not trying to date you she's just trying to fucking survive with the kid for christ's sake yeah you couldn't

33:46Ben Mandelker: have said it any better like this is not even really up for debate like i'm so 100 in agreement with you on this one like i just think it's so unfair that like these guys like jesse come out here and he says well you know she weaponizes isabella and we all know we don't even need Michelle to explain how he does it too. We all know that he does because we see him doing it. Him actually saying that right now on screen is him weaponizing Isabella. And then she has to defend herself and she has to set the record straight and she gets mad. And when women get mad they're hysterical. When men get mad they're brave or whatever.

34:21Ben Mandelker: And I think it's just bullshit. I'm totally team Michelle on this entire reunion. I just want to say that.

34:26Ronnie Karam: Especially if you add up all the stuff that Jesse does. It's like people, and I do think that jesse does have charm he seems like he's a cool guy when he's not acting like completely fucking psycho but you know tip one dead eyes i'm sorry and yes you can't help hair dent i'm sorry tip 0.5 before tip one hair dent tip three instead of going to therapy he goes to men's ayahuasca retreats okay which is like a drug trip let's be honest with with the guys tip four his entire

34:56Ben Mandelker: personality and everything that he says.

34:59Ronnie Karam: Tip number five, constantly calls you a whore whenever he doesn't like you or tells all of your friends that you're literally a whore. Going through all of your money.

35:08Ben Mandelker: Tip six, wouldn't let your daughter see your dying mother. And it doesn't matter what he says. His instinct was to say no to that. So yeah, it makes me crazy too.

35:19Ronnie Karam: No, it makes me crazy too. But you know, obviously Michelle's not perfect michelle does a lot of stupid things too i mean michelle's whole like going with erin two seconds after that's not that's not really great to bring a young kid into a new relationship so fast you know there's like a lot of stuff you could ding michelle on but i think on the overall you know the overall relationship thing you look at how jesse treats michelle

35:44Ben Mandelker: yeah i'm gonna i'm gonna be team michelle i think i think here's what works for jesse is that he um he he has a sense of humor and michelle doesn't really have a sense of humor like he'll make little jokes throughout the season and he makes little jokes at the reunion and he'll like laugh and smile and michelle like when she tries to make little jokes they're like not very good and so i think that like people are like she's not funny she's boring and then that's sort of like that somehow like enters the, the, the fray that somehow becomes part of people's decision on whether they're team Michelle or team, team Jesse.

36:23Ben Mandelker: And it really shouldn't be. It's like whether or not she's boring, it's like, she's still like, she's dealing with a monster.

36:29Ronnie Karam: It's really hard on a show like the Valley when most of the people are terrible to kind of parse what's happening because everyone's terrible in one way, but they can still be right in a situation. Right. And so like Michelle to me is terrible in a lot of ways. I mean, I'm never going to forget the season one thing of, you know, I was talking to Michelle and Michelle, you know, Michelle's a Republican, which, look, I know a lot of Republicans. It's not like I'm just going to hate you if you think differently than me. But that turned out to be allegedly about don't say gay. You know, that law, don't say gay.

37:02Ronnie Karam: She's like behind that. So, you know, there's stuff like that that, you know, we haven't really gone over again and again on the show. But I'm not going to like it. It's going to be a long time. There's things like that. There's always standing by Janet, even though Janet's so mean and terrible. She's always going to stand by Janet, even though Janet started that whole thing in season one. Janet ultimately is sticking by Michelle, and they've made an alliance, and they're going to stick together no matter what happens. And so there's so many things about Michelle that I don't like. But in this situation, Michelle is, you know, I choose Michelle over Jesse.

37:39Ronnie Karam: Jesse has cuteness. He has charm and he, like you said, he has humor. He has a natural charm. I mean, like she asked later in the episode or maybe it's next week. I don't know if it's in a preview, but where she's like, oh, really? Who's paying your rent? Who's paying your mortgage, Jesse? Because you don't have any money. And she's already insinuated that some rich guy's been paying his mortgage and stuff like that. So he's got charm that he can live off of and that he gets by on, especially in a town like L.A. where you really just need a slight amount of charm and a lot of good looks and you're golden for your whole life.

38:11Ronnie Karam: So he's already living off of that. So yeah, I'm going to cut Michelle a break on this. All the other stuff aside, she wins on this.

38:18Ben Mandelker: She does win. And I just want to also point out that the counterbalance to her standing by Janet's side is that Jesse, of course, stands by Jax's side. So those two really cancel themselves out. Not that it really matters in this discussion, but I just always want to point out evil when I see it. That's true. um so uh uh anyway sorry for that diversion say something ben see something say something it's really the best use of it guys that person supports jacks hey wait a minute those two are hitting each other with a toddler back to weaponizing the baby so um jesse says that michelle weaponizes the baby and she's like no i don't because yeah you do no i don't yeah you do No, I don't.

39:03Ben Mandelker: Read the comments online. You weaponize your daughter. Which point Andy, Andy, by the way, I love Andy doing these reunions because as we've noted many times with Vanderpump and Southern Charms, Summer House, he doesn't give a shit about these people. And he doesn't kiss their ass because they're not divas the way the housewives are. So he's always ready to just sort of like cut them down when he can. And he's like, excuse me, it's not up to the comments online to discuss, to determine who weaponizes what. Yeah.

39:31Ronnie Karam: And he's like, okay, if you don't weaponize her, then explain what you said to my mom. And she said to her mom, if you are not going to allow Isabella to see my mom, who is going to die, she will not be flying to Bosden for Christmas and spending the week in Bosden. And he goes, ever again, you said. You said ever again. And she said, exactly. Exactly. and he's like well she should and janet's like yeah but she should have said that and hate to

40:02Ben Mandelker: agree with janet but yeah yeah she should have a hundred percent that's not weapon that's not

40:07Ronnie Karam: weaponizing your daughter for trying to fight the battle for you if your mom doesn't also if your mom is also trying to agree that she shouldn't get to go see her your mom should be standing up and saying no your kid needs to see the other mom before she dies your mom would want that respect

40:22Ben Mandelker: so fuck your mom too yeah this also to me was not weaponizing the child i feel like weaponizing the child is like hey can you get me a new car if you don't get me a new car you're not i will not let you see your daughter like that's what not like if you don't let my if you don't let me see my daughter by the way if if you and i think i i kind of feel like anytime you have to start a sentence by saying, if you don't let me see, like, let me have my daughter for this moment, that means that the other person has inherently been weaponizing the child. That's how it impresses me as. Yeah, this isn't weaponizing.

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41:03Ben Mandelker: Yeah, it's a big did for dad.

41:06Ronnie Karam: Yeah.

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43:57Ronnie Karam: Yeah, good point.

43:58Ben Mandelker: It's dark, but it's true. This whole show is dark. You said ever again also. You just didn't articulate it.

44:03Ronnie Karam: Yeah, this whole reunion's real. Everything brought up is fucking dark. And so Jesse's like, well, she knows the truth. She knows the truth of that story. She goes, okay, then what happened? You know, it worked. And that is how I have to dog to you. I have to treat you that way. And he's like, but you weaponized Isabella. She's like, they're like, her mom was dying, Jesse. And he goes, okay. But the truth is, I never said she couldn't see her dying mother. She planned a trip to go to Italy with her boyfriend for two weeks. And she wanted her sister to take the baby for the week. and then let and then me take her for a week and i hired a behavior therapist we hired a behavior there we did we and he's like to teach us about how to talk about mortality with a four-year-old here's how you do it okay you sit the four-year-old down and you say you remember that goldfish we bought you that you got at that birthday party how it died and we flushed it down the toilet that's what's happening to grandma soon so get your hugs in take all the gum out of her purse this is your last chance i mean it's your job as parents to sit down and explain how people die people die that's a fact of life fucking explain it you need a behavioral therapist jesse i know

45:08Ben Mandelker: i'm sorry give me a fucking i'm sorry you yeah i agree well because these are two people who don't understand emotions so they have to hire someone who like actually you know is a professional at explaining them because uh like why don't you ask i don't know literally anyone else who has a child who's dealt with this because unfortunately this is part of life like how do you just not ask a friend how did you how did you deal with it why don't you just go to google just chat fucking gpt i mean it's this whole thing about hiring the i'm not opposed to hiring a behavioral therapist at all i'm just saying it felt to me like it was a um uh not a roadblock but it was like it was a speed bump or something like it was something that jesse was insisting on intentionally to draw out this process so that we have to send Isabella to see the mom like right

45:58Ronnie Karam: that's why it's so stupid it's a fight over like who gets to talk to the kid about mortality right yeah who's gonna do it well I get to do it no I get to do it no I get to do it well I'm not ready to do it so until I do it we're not gonna see your mom because it's gonna hurt you I mean it's just so gross you know you don't need yeah if it was if and I'm being so um kind of cynical about it because obviously the discussion isn't really we need to talk to the kid about mortality it's like like you're saying we're just going to use this as a tentpole yeah well he just

46:30Ben Mandelker: he was she's like i want to see he it's it's his way of saying no without just uh to the request of letting the child see the the grandmother without saying no he's he's going to be like let me throw some bureaucratic element into it right like this is it's yeah okay before before she sees the grandma we have to go and talk to a mortality specialist or a behavioral specialist to discuss. And then they're probably like, let's have a discussion about what we're going to say. He just wants to throw some shit in to delay the process so that way he doesn't have to cater to this inevitable situation.

47:05Ronnie Karam: Yeah, and Michelle is like, yeah, and they told you the behavioral therapist or whatever that you forced us to go to were the ones that told you she needed to see my mom. And they had to tell you that you needed to give me grace and you had to do all these things and you still didn't do them. So like you still made me go to this behavioral whatever. You didn't get what you wanted and you still got your way.

47:26Ben Mandelker: Yeah, and she's basically saying you're acting like you're a saint for hiring this therapist for us. That way you could have a really thoughtful way of discussing mortality. But actually what it was was that you were stubborn and didn't want to help out and you were hoping that the therapist was going to be on your side and they had to tell you, no, you're wrong. and you still dug your heels in. Yeah.

47:49Ronnie Karam: So then what's the status of the divorce? They have a custody agreement, not, you know, ironed out, but they still don't have a settlement. She has a lawyer. He does not have a lawyer. And so she's just been paying out the ass for six months, which I'm sure he loves because he's like from the Jack school of, well, let's just keep making her pay for shit.

48:09Ben Mandelker: Yeah.

48:09Ronnie Karam: I'm not going to pay.

48:10Ben Mandelker: Precisely so. And Michelle's like, he represents himself. so he thinks he knows the law and he's like well I've watched Suits three times including Suits LA and I'm currently watching it now so that was a joke everyone charm

48:24Ronnie Karam: and Janet's like do you guys think Jesse could pass the bar that'd be hilarious and then he's like well I mean it's a clean divorce you guys are broke so what's the issue and she's like well he got mad that I spent any money during the marriage so he wanted me to pay him back money I spent during the marriage and he's like no I didn't she goes yes that is I would went and he goes well our entire divorce sadly has become this Andy as you can see a tit for tat well yeah when you were the one who blew through a million dollars of your savings while she was stuck at home with a baby and now you want her to pay back for whatever she did spend is fucking nuts it's crazy but he makes a suits joke and so everybody

49:04Ben Mandelker: is fine with him exactly and then he's like yeah it's just become tit for tat and he goes sounds like it which is Andy's way of saying like you two fucking idiots need to figure it out yeah so jesse's like well she wants me to she wants me to pay her back for a napa trip she's i don't want you to pay anything back why don't you guys just call it even and shut up already and janet's like she's been asking that and let me tell you something as someone who's married to a lawyer i just want to say quid pro quo okay thanks so much so he's like yeah andy well i was

49:39Ronnie Karam: working on it this week when I got her discovery. She goes, oh, my discovery. And he's like, yeah, this war of attrition is exhausting. I mean, I'm just done. I mean, I watched, I reached out to her attorney about how to move because I want her to move forward with Erin. I mean, I just need, I just want her to be in love, Andy, and have happiness. But my life is a mess, but I want to start putting out fires where I can. And I spoke to my attorney and Jenna's like, uh, aren't you representing yourself? And he goes, yes and they're like so you spoke to yourself and he goes um i have a team of consultants that i

50:13Ben Mandelker: work with um okay so it's the lisa barlow's team she lent them to him so jenna's like is that jason just like hi i am not on the team i'm not on the team that was hilarious though that's a good one

50:29Ronnie Karam: so war of attrition is exactly what jesse is doing because that's where you wear down your opponent it you know and that's exactly what he's doing he's like i'm not even going to get a lawyer i'm not going to make an effort to take this seriously at all i'm just going to keep you know filing random things to keep this going forever until she's broke and gives me what i want and then he

50:48Ben Mandelker: gets to sit there and cry and be like i just want her to start her new life and my life is a mess and yet he won't actually say why his life is a mess i mean she'll say it but then he denies everything and yet will he denies all the money shit and yet is happy to claim the part that his life is a mess for sympathy so that's real convenient convenient for him well he does say

51:07Ronnie Karam: why his life is a mess because now he's trying to pay this huge mortgage with only half the income because they made money together but now that she's left him he can't make the money because

51:15Ben Mandelker: they were a business together well whose fault is that whose fault whose fault um you know what there's a way to still to divorce and still do business together but like he fucked it up by

51:25Ronnie Karam: being a total asshole if you and it also shows who did the business in that family because she's not complaining so apparently she's fine at all you know yep yep all right jesse how are

51:36Ben Mandelker: things with your girlfriend in orange county do you do watch baywatch together no we do not michelle has your relationship with jesse's girlfriend do you interact with her at all i don't have any sort of relationship with her nor you i want to uh he's like well my girlfriend

51:55Ronnie Karam: made the decision about a month after we started dating to reach out to Michelle to set boundaries mother to mother, which Aaron never did to me. Father to father. And he's like, well, I mean, a month into the relationship seems pretty new. And he goes, well, we'd been together for a month and she'd been spending a lot of time with Isabella. So, you know, she had the mother to mother call. That's what people do. Mother to mother. I think

52:23Ben Mandelker: within a month is like very um that's wild that's like very wild like that's that's so early to be having that phone call if you ask me i don't know i think that's at that point that's like a thing where jesse and michelle have a conversation with each other but like that's way too early to do the mother-to-mother call if you ask me and i say this as someone who's not married and has never been in this

52:44Ronnie Karam: position of course i don't know i wouldn't see a problem with it if it was a call that was like hey my name is you know alleged flat earther which i know is not true now because um we got an email about it but anyway it's still fine um so i've been dating jesse and i'm spending a lot of time with your kid and i just wanted you to know i have no you know i support you if there's anything you want me to know or whatever i'm not ever going to try and step on your toes i'm not

53:08Ben Mandelker: here to become this kid's mother we know it wasn't that conversation you know if it's something like

53:13Ronnie Karam: that that's just like i come in peace um if you ever need to talk to me or ask me anything here's my number. I know it might be weird that I'm hanging out with your kid, but I'm not trying to take a, you know, if it's a conversation like that, I wouldn't have any kind of a problem with it, right? I mean, I would probably do that.

53:31Ben Mandelker: I know what you're saying, and that thought did cross my mind. I was like, you know, like, I think that would be a very mature, you know, good thing, but I think that given how bitter the divorce is, I don't know, I think I would just, like, tread carefully, and, I mean, maybe, I mean, this is conspiratorial maybe jesse set this girl up for failure knowing that it would piss off michelle if this girl called michelle and he was like you should call michelle and set some boundaries she calls michelle michelle bites her head off because she's like who do you think you are a mother you know there's like a flash in the pan blah blah blah blah blah you know like i would not be surprised if jesse were actually somehow behind this but that is conspiratorial i understand

54:09Ronnie Karam: yeah the wording the wording she called she called michelle to set some boundaries is pretty bizarre That's where it's weird.

54:16Ben Mandelker: To set boundaries? I was like, no, it's to receive boundaries. Yeah, the nude doesn't get to set the boundaries. And given the cease and desist that came later on, I just can't imagine that the conversation had the same vibe as you proposed. Yeah.

54:37Ronnie Karam: So Michelle's like, I told Jazzy, our agreement was Erin doesn't need to be involved and she does not need to be involved. the decisions are between us and britney's like well you uh you guys agreed to not have anyone around your child and michelle did not have anyone around her child and you and isabella never told michelle uh that uh you try to get mad because michelle wanted to have erin around and you said no because he was a man but you were allowed to have your girlfriend around so what the hell and then the next day she's braiding her hair so you're the one who messed up first you're the one who messed up first and I got it on my ring cam I got it on my ring cam Andy

55:16Ben Mandelker: Brittany did a pretty good job of summarizing that I mean really it's basically like yeah Jesse as much as Jesse likes to complain like oh Michelle Michelle went right into Aaron's arms right away it's like Michelle was like no I was actually yes I was with Aaron but I was not bringing Aaron around the daughter like our daughter but you right away brought this new girl from Orange County around our daughter so then I was like sure I'm going to bring Aaron around

55:39Ronnie Karam: the daughter so he says there's more to the story and the other side is that michelle came up to him and said i would never put my daughter in an unsafe position i can introduce her to whoever i want and michelle's like well but i said when the dime is right i will let you know and you can meet him and um then you said you're never ever going to introduce a man to our daughter and he goes well what i said is it's different introducing a little girl to a girl who's also a mother as opposed to a little girl meeting a 35-year-old guy who has a roommate when Michelle started dating him. Okay, that's not a terrible point because there are a lot of creepy fucking men who date women just to have access to their children.

56:19Ronnie Karam: We know that. It's a crazy world. It's a fucked up world. That's not the craziest thing that Jesse has said. However, you're getting a divorce and you no longer have that say. Like, you don't have that say. like you're getting a divorce and your wife she's being nice and saying I'll introduce you I'll keep this as open as possible you don't get to come in and make rules like that she's going to date whoever the fuck she wants and she doesn't have to she doesn't have to tell you or introduce them to the kid at all she's being nice by offering that

56:50Ben Mandelker: yeah I think it's I think it's a double standard that he set up and I don't think it's I don't think it's right so Brittany is like that's control Jesse and Michelle's like the rules are not the same that's the frustration and Janet's like seems sexist I say that as someone who's married to a lawyer so I understand these things and Jesse is like well I just thought it was different alright well what did what did you make of the rumors your girlfriend was saying negative things about you he's like me I'm Jesse who would say something negative about me I don't believe it and you know what I mean like she kind of holds my feet to the fire and I really love that

57:31Ronnie Karam: so um janet mentioned in santa barbara that this chick was threatening legal stuff and janet's like yeah that's where it turned because she wanted to silence michelle from talking about the baywatch thing and a lot of other bullet points and jesse's like well no i mean

57:47Ben Mandelker: other bullet points the baywatch thing and other bullet points of course you didn't even get into the dukes of hazard thing so wait till we get to chips wait till we get to chips it's big night writer is not up for discussion because that counts under the David Hasselhoff umbrella.

58:05Ronnie Karam: This woman even dated Kit.

58:09Ben Mandelker: Michelle Lolly is kind of like the Kit of this cast, let's be honest.

58:13Ronnie Karam: I am here, I am waiting out

58:15Ben Mandelker: to run for you.

58:19Ben Mandelker: What do you need, Michael? Come on. Lolly writer. Did for dad, did for dad. Did for dad. do for that Jesse Jesse Jesse Jesse

58:33Ronnie Karam: okay so Jesse's like well it was a cease and desist letter not a lawsuit I mean she didn't sign a contract she didn't take money like Aaron did to be on this show and she goes Aaron did not take a dollar he just took a lot of free advertising for his go gain honey

58:51Ben Mandelker: go gain honey oh but he sure showed up quite a bit which is great if you're gonna date somebody on reality tv it's important to show up

59:03Ronnie Karam: who wanted to take naps the whole time ow that was a stray four strays under four congratulations you've reached the end of part one of a two-part recap for part two go look for the recap that says part two See you over there, suckers.

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1:00:49Ronnie Karam: Yes we canna, it's Savannah.

1:00:51Ben Mandelker: Cast a spell with Shannon Spellman. Let's share with Sharon Eldridge. Darn Skippy, it's Tippi. The Bay Area Betches, Betches.

1:01:00Ronnie Karam: And our super premium sponsors. She's VVIP, it's Amanda V. Can't lose when you're with Amy Baldwin.

1:01:07Ben Mandelker: Somebody get us 10 cc's of Betsy MD.

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1:01:12Ben Mandelker: Let's get real with Caitlin O 'Neill.

1:01:15Ronnie Karam: Don't get salty with Christine Pepper. Can't have a meal without the Emily Sides. Let's go into the woods with Guy Tubbs. It's our queen.

1:01:23Ben Mandelker: It's Queen Laifa. Nobody holds a candle to Jamie Kendall. Hail the cork master, the master of the cork, Jennifer Corcoran. We got our wish. It's Jen Plish. She's not harsh. She's Jill Hirsch. Knock, knock, knocking on Katie Manok's door. My favorite Murdo, Karen McMurdo. We love him madly. It's Kyle Podchadley. In the study with a candlestick, it's Leslie Peacock. We're ride or die for Lisa Ryder Barron. She's a whiz. It's Liz Sarthy. Always killing it, it's Lo Alkalani

1:01:53Ronnie Karam: The Incredible Edible Matthew Sisters She eases our woes, it's Melissa St. Rose There's a Chance of Meatballs, it's Rebecca Cloud

1:02:01Ben Mandelker: She's the Queen Bee, it's Sarah Lemke We cannot tell a lie, it's Sarah Talafson Shannon, out of a can, and Anthony Please don't stop, it's Soli and Pop Let's take off with Tam La Plaine

1:02:14Ronnie Karam: It's always a good time when you're wasting time with Bravo She ain't no shrinking Violet Kuchar We love you guys.

1:02:50Ronnie Karam: compromises.

1:02:51Ben Mandelker: Do I like complicated chicken? No. No.

1:02:54Ronnie Karam: Chicken should be fun. Complicated chicken, not fun.

1:02:58Ben Mandelker: Chicken should meet a higher standard, and Nature Ray's Farms is free from gluten, dairy, and soy.

1:03:03Ronnie Karam: There are no seed oils and no artificial ingredients.

1:03:07Ben Mandelker: Also, Nature Ray's Farms chicken is a good source of fiber and only between 8 to 12 grams of fat per serving dependent on the product. Chicken, that's just chicken. When food is that simple, there's a quiet joy in it. And we

1:03:19Ronnie Karam: love quiet joy, like the moment Erica Jane puts down her microphone. Keep your life simple with your new favorite chicken. Nature Raised Farms Chicken, because chicken shouldn't be complicated.

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