#2964 Below Deck S12E11 Part 1: Getting Off, Scot Free

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1:48Ben Mandelker: I've been spread this so much that crap ends.

2:18Ben Mandelker: the life of a podcaster and uh it's gonna be on sale in a few days and i hope everyone buys it we're just so excited about it so life of a pod girl can't wait to hear all the rhymes with bar and car

2:37Ben Mandelker: um uh anyway we are here today to talk about below deck uh a scandalous episode um before we dive into that, you know, we have Patreon and you may not have heard we have Patreon. We do weekly bonus episodes. Um, last week we did sort of like a pop culture check in on my project runway and things like that. And then, um, we'll have another bonus episode this week. We also have crap is on demand there where you can watch us. That's where you get the video component for this podcast. Every episode we do has a crap is on demand. And then a week after, uh, the crap is on demand goes on Patreon. It will then go over to YouTube.

3:15Ben Mandelker: So go to Patreon to get first access on those videos and our bonus episodes, Discord, all the good stuff. And also thanks to everyone who came and joined us with Crappy Hour last night. It was a really fun one. We do that every other Monday. And for the next few weeks, we're going to alternate that with us going on Amazon Live. So this week was Crappy Hour. Next week, we'll go on Amazon Live at 4 p.m. And we will recommend, we don't know what we'll be recommending this coming week, but we have a huge amount of fun doing that. So if you ever want to know the things, the trinkets and items that we love, come join us over there.

3:53Ben Mandelker: So without further ado, let's get into the big Did Kyle Have Sex With a Guest episode that's been hyped all season long. It's finally arrived. It has arrived. Some may say it has come. First of all, I know we're in 2025 and a big no-no in these modern times is no sex shaming. So I would like to start by saying no. I will not subscribe to that today because my main note on this episode is ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew. What the fuck, bro? Ew. Ew to all of you, all three of you. And you're all gross. You're all fucking gross, okay? now that said if i had sex in the bathroom of course was i bent over with my head under a urinal not really i mean come on can we have classier sex in bathrooms do you need a homosexual to come teach you how to do this i mean jeez you know i was proud of that girl i loved it she knew exactly what she wanted she got it and then she moved on with her life now i just i just feel like they could have chosen a better location there was like literally anywhere else that they could have gone to um why don't they fuck on the beach they were right there she was straddling him on the beach it's not like he needs all that long for well maybe he did he was pretty drunk but maybe there was a pesky crustacean in the way but i have to say also in addition to this that's our band so excited pesky crustacean yeah that's what taylor swift almost called her album she changed it the last second that was travis idea when she was like what should i call this album he's like crusty crustacean she's like no i so one thing with this episode that really i got excited and then i was very sad we made it like 25 we made it like over halfway through this episode maybe beyond halfway before the instagram walls kicked in and i for i swear to god i was like i think they're finally listening to the audience they realize the instagram walls are the most annoying stupid thing that they ever added to this show and i was like they finally cut them they're not doing them anymore and then all of a sudden it was like they forgot that they had to do instagram walls and there was like five in a row and i was so mad yeah i mean look i think it's just part of life like instagram walls are the most annoying part of everybody's life like honestly they're the most annoying part of every person i know like you meet somebody they seem fun you like them they're like follow me on socials you go to their social and you're like ew like you're gross like i think that we should all stop using instagram so much also can i ask a personal favor from shirt manufacturers look at this shirt i'm wearing ben i'm wearing this shirt is this necessary there's three things sewed on here they're like ribbons from a state fair and they're sewn on so tightly i cannot pull them off do you know how many shirts i have with big holes on the side with my muffin top hanging out because of these stupid things that I rip off.

6:52They're making me crazy. Stop it. Why do I need this? Do you have scissors? That don't work because you still feel the thing making cuts on you. You need a seam ripper and then you need to sew the shit back up there. Stupid sharp manufacturers. I'm sorry. People in bathrooms. The Instagram wall. I will say about the Instagram walls. Barbara's at least is normal.

7:17Ben Mandelker: yeah although hers is i mean hers is normal she has one like where she's like a carnival which is like a little more a little more extra it's not the walls it's not the images themselves it's just that we stop the entire show and we stop it usually for no reason it's like we stop it just to hear a generic thought about something it's like let's stop all the action the entire flow so that barbara can say it's not nice doing this to people it's not nice i'm like oh i'm glad we stopped everything for that. Well, I literally just stopped the show to talk about shirt tags, so I guess I'm not the place to judge at the moment.

7:50Ben Mandelker: You had an observation. It's fine. I will not adjudicate this any further. How did you bro? Okay, so let's get started. Below Deck Season 12 Episode 11, Aruma Mill. So, stupid title. So, Carrie kicked Kelly off the boat. That was a couple weeks ago, but it's still fun to watch clips of. Because they open it with clips of Kelly and I'm, fuck you, Captain, fuck you. I ain't drunk. I ain't nothing on me. I'm calling the FBI, motherfuckers. Have we heard from Kelly, by the way, since this all happened? Has she made any statements? Has she gone on any podcasts or done any interviews? I would love to know this because she's been curiously silent about this all.

8:37Ben Mandelker: I would have thought she would have come out with her side of the story. I heard that she's, someone left a comment, I think yesterday on the crappy hour saying that she's posting like a proud peacock all over the place. She follows you. Can't you just go to her Instagram? I know. I don't want to, but like, I do know that she follows me, which is so funny. Like I really don't understand. She doesn't follow you or watch her crap. And somehow I was the one, the lucky one. She's the page. I'm always happy for any follower. So Kelly, thank you. Thank you for joining the Ben army.

9:12The Army Delker. What would you call it?

9:17Ben Mandelker: The Ben Army. I like Ben Army. I don't want to call it Army because I'm a nonviolent person. Ben Brigade. Spelled with Brigade. The Ben Brigade. A Ben Friend. A Ben Friend. Friend of Ben. The gentle Ben's. Just make it softer and sadder. The sweet children. sweet children. Ben Wussies. It's not even cute anymore. The kids who don't like recess.

9:53The beat up Ben's. The kids who like to draw. Nap time Ben's. So Anthony is doing an eight course meal and he's like this is the moment that I'm looking for. You know my whole career. Sometimes people beat me up and I'm little boy, but this is time I prove I'm not boy to be that boy. I'm boy to cook eight-course meal. I was like, oh, for Christ's sake, have you ever, are you new here?

10:23Ben Mandelker: Anthony, it's like, Anthony's on a different show, I believe. He briefly intersected with Below Deck when he had a scene with Fraser on their off day, but he, meanwhile, is just off doing his own thing. He's like giving confessionals about storylines we're not paying attention to or care about. He's like, this is for my father. You know, I miss him so much. He taught me how to turn butter. But like no one's paying attention. No one's talking about it. No one's talking to him. Like, I'm like, is he on this show? Has he just been spliced in? He's like a top chef contestant that's always on the bottom.

10:53And every week you have to hear him go, you know, I did not believe in myself earlier, but now I believe in myself and I'm hoping I get another chance to, you know, the thing that I believe in. Like every single week it's the same thing. Bringing in a sob story about it's like, I'll save the dyslexia for this week. I'll add a sob story about bullying this week like you're running out of sob stories anthony okay next time you're out

11:16Ben Mandelker: i'm finally getting my confidence and then he finally gets eliminated and he's like well i'm just happy because now i show my children you can do whatever you want to do in life which is so funny because it's always the people who get eliminated who say that i'm like you literally just got eliminated someone said you can't do this anymore i know they're like i just inspired my children to lose well what are you teaching your children i i inspired my children to have stage fright and to choke under pressure my children are walking around now and they are seeing mini quiche mini quiche when he came out with a mini quiche i died okay so it is it's just so many you know it's like eight courses remember when he was like eight cars meal Here's a piece of asparagus.

12:02Was that him or was that the last chef? I forget. They brought out like one piece of asparagus on a plate with some beet sauce. The next course, asparagus.

12:12Ben Mandelker: That's the second all asparagus. And we were like, that's a side. That is a side. Okay. So he's all excited about that. It's the final night of charter. And Carrie is joining them for dinner. And Selene and Barbara are working on cabins. and there is a bag in the bath. There's a purse in the bath reminding us of the story of last week when she's like, you know what my daughter did to my bag? She dropped my purse in the toilet. And I said, when I died, this is what you're inheriting. The piss-covered bag. That lady sounds exactly like one of Zachariah Porter's impersonations. You know Zachariah Porter?

12:51Ben Mandelker: He always does like the East Coast. He always puts on like a little wig and he's always doing like moms from long island oh yeah it's always like so over the he's so funny but it's always so over the top you're like oh it's like funny because it's cartoony but i'm like oh maybe it's not cartoony this woman has the exact accent she's like you'll get it when i die i'm like oh my god they all sound like that and one of them said what the one that talks like this is my favorite one like yeah nobody i'm italian nobody says nobody calls the cops it's called sauce it's called sauce, not green beer. Sauce.

13:28What kind of Italian are you? A sauce.

13:30Ben Mandelker: It's a sauce bag. I'm having the old for Sunday sauce. My daughter, she knocked my Louis Vuitton into the sauce. I said, you know what? When I die, you get the sauce bag. That's it. That's all you get. So, Selena's mortified by the purse because it's just sitting in the bathtub. I was like, why did she put the bag in the bath? You look like my dog. Oh, poor dog. So, now Fraser's readying everybody. It's time for bread service. my favorite kind of service if they had just bread service i would go to church every week what what if bread service is more like you bring like the bread to meineke and they put up on the hydraulic lift and they like put like more carbs into it and then they like send it on its way more fuck yeah remember for a while we there was um this bread that was like low carb and it was really good actually we were advertising for it on watch what crap and they sent us a ton of it And it was really good.

14:21And I'm like, oh my God, it's like real bread. And at some point I was like, I need to inject this with just more gluten and carbs and whatever else is in bread that makes it just so sinful. I just need more bread. You know how they have those things where they show, like this is how much sugar an average human eats a year. And then they put like a teaspoon a day and then it piles up to a big hill that you can't even climb. And they're like, this is what people ingest. If they did that with the amount of bread I eat in a year, I mean, bagels alone would fill a room. Oh, you know me.

14:52Ben Mandelker: You know me. I'm counting down the days to Bagel Thursday. We are 48 hours away, my friends. I remember telling you one day, why do you have Bagel Thursdays when you have bagel every day? And that's what I have now. It's so special. Listen, I would love a bagel. Well, today I had a breakfast burrito. My breakfast rituals are that at the start of the recording week, I go to Phil's Coffee, my favorite. And well, that and blue bottle. And I get a breakfast burrito there. And then I do like, then I'll, today is a Tuesday because we don't, there's no shows on for Monday. So my fills has been delayed till Tuesday.

15:26Ben Mandelker: And then in between the fills day and in between bagel Thursday, I usually make a smoothie and then I have cereal. And then Friday, who knows? It's a wildcard day. I like that you have all these scheduled out. That's cute. It actually makes the mornings really fun. If you're like, oh good, today's smoothie day. Although it's like, it's pretty lax. Sometimes smoothie day is, sometimes it's Wednesday, sometimes it's Tuesday. And yeah, I don't do much. So this is exciting for me. What's your thing of the day that you do? I love that. I got out of bed today. I love that. That was on my to-do list.

16:05I was like, get up. So I did that. So now it's time. And Selene is gossiping with Barbara. and she's like, oh, Jess told me today, I'm not going to speak to you on charter. She did that because she's scared. If I'm too distracted, I'm going to get fired. I'm like, fuck, you're not my mom, you know? You're not my mom. And if you were my mom, maybe I would date you. Maybe.

16:28Ben Mandelker: My mom loved me so much. I liked her. Oh, God. So Jess is like, this whole situation between me and Barbara and me and Sosa, I don't know. I think I was caring more about my feelings than other people's. And I don't think it's right. relationships have never affected my walk so you think you can escape it and i said i don't care jess i don't care i don't care anymore okay you were being a fuck boy you're being a fuck girl you messed up move on because you're not revealing anything exciting about the human condition at this point just shut the fuck up and scrub the floor she is so charming but she's like so charming of a person that i crack up whenever she does these confessionals because i actually like start feeling bad for her the way she's talking oh i made my own bad decision and now i've hurt someone and i shouldn't do that because blah blah blah like oh my god she's so sweet and then i remember no she's not sweet why are you crying over your own asshole-ishness i love it it's like i'm such a good person because i'm realizing how selfish i was you would make out with that girl in two seconds you really have the chance now stop it yeah you know this is all bullshit second i mean i do appreciate like she's sort of trying to be introspective as opposed to many of the other you know fuckboys we've seen on bravo for years and years but like i'm over it like the introspection is not that interesting or deep so just like you know just just just do something else like literally talk about anything else please tell us about the bagels you're eating i just don't want to hear about the stupid love triangle anymore yeah jess what do you do on thursdays what's your thing you know when do you eat your fruity pebbles i realized when i was eating the english muffin i wasn't thinking about the bagel in that moment it's like oh jess come on i did feel like that because there's some old tortillas in the back of my cabinet and they're like all moldy and I had to throw them away and I was like you guys were so ignored I'm so sorry yeah it's time for a commercial it's time for a crappin's commercial August is the perfect time to hit reset before the autumn rush begins and honestly I can't think of a better place to start than my closet that's why I love shopping at Quince Quince is all about fewer better pieces their clothes are made with premium materials built to last and designed to become the one you reach for every day.

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19:31Ben Mandelker: I recently got something for all my great Quince clothing, which is I got a garment duffel. It's like a garment bag, but it can actually sort of coil up on itself and form a duffel bag, So you can basically turn the inside cavity into a whole bag. It's like two bags in one. It's crazy. It's a crazy feat of engineering, and I'm obsessed. And it's not just clothing. Quince has become our go-to from everything from hotel quality bedding, bath essentials, to premium cookware and travel must-haves. Upgrade your every day. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers or go to quince.com slash crappens.

20:06Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. now available in Canada and the UK too. That's q-u-i-n-c-e dot com slash crappins. This episode is supported by FX's The Shards, a seductive drama from executive producer Ryan Murphy.

20:24Ben Mandelker: Set in 1980s Los Angeles, the series follows a group of glamorous, deeply entangled high school seniors drawn into a life of wealth, beauty, parties, and excess. At its center is Brett, whose reality begins to unravel when the arrival of a new student coincides with a series of mysterious murders. FX's The Shards, now streaming on Hulu. So Michelle, we're back with the guests, and Michelle's like, I can't believe the way you handled Callie. I mean, guys, the captain, he was like, hey, we can go talk. Then he pushes her in the room and locks the door. I mean, come on, that shit was funny. And Alan's like, you actually helped her from ruining my guest's time.

21:05I want to thank you again from a true mafia princess. I want to thank you again. You, me, like family. Let's go for a drive. It's like, oh, I'm not falling for that one. I'm not falling for that.

21:17Ben Mandelker: My gratitude will be reflected in our tip. So then Anthony's like, hello, everyone, welcome to the tasting. Here we have mushroom velote, just like my daddy liked it. Like, oh, great. He's like, and now here comes our deconstructed tomato caprese, which, by the way, I think is, I mean, of all the things that can be deconstructed. A tomato caprese is pretty simple. I guess that works. But also, why does it need to be deconstructed? Like, why? A tomato caprese is already deconstructed. It's already deconstructed. It's tomatoes and mozzarella. There's nothing to deconstruct, sir. It's a deconstructed sauce, basically.

21:52Ben Mandelker: Sauce! So then, Fraser tells Anthony that everything has been very good. I know. It's a deconstructed granola. and Anthony's working on his quiche so he serves his mini quiche straight out of 1991 and Helen's like this is outstanding and then Jennifer who's our favorite goes you know what I'm gonna cook for you Helen I'm gonna cook for you a typical Sunday sauce when you come over and Frank is like it's called Sunday gravy there's no gravy it's sauce it's gravy It's sauce. It's gravy. It's sauce. It's what it is. It's gravy. Well, gravy is brown. What kind of Italian are you? The kind married to a woman who serves me brown gravy.

22:42That's the kind. Of course it's sauce. You know what?

22:44Ben Mandelker: He doesn't understand the difference between sauce and gravy, but guess what? I love him. I love him anyway. I love him. I'll never let him go. I'll never let him go. For our next course, we have Chilean Zibas on bed of spinach puree with some mango on top and risotto and a spawagoo. And Helen's like, whoa, you know, he's trying to keep it a tight ship over here. And for this course, we have a ribeye with milky potato, roasted carrot. I said, thank you. Maybe I'll do it. By the way, next course, Twama, my father. My father, I miss him so much. stunning butter. You know, I don't know if while we're on this discussion of sauce, I don't know if many people know this, but the original name for Chilean sea bass is Patagonian toothfish.

23:34Ben Mandelker: I learned that somewhere along the way. Okay, continue. That's why I'll always follow Ben Mantelker. Teaches me such good things. Everyone on this chart is following him, right? Ben Mantelker. Please follow his sub stack. delicious recipes. And guess what he's got a recipe for? Sauce, Frank. Sauce, not gravy. Sauce. And Richard's like, this right here is what you would find at a Michelin star restaurant. You know what you wouldn't find, Richard? Your highlights. Okay? These people would go to a Michelin star restaurant and expect to get tires. What? It's in the name. It literally is. That's where it came from.

24:14Ben Mandelker: I know. Well, anywho. They need to change that, a Michelin star. It came from tires. Why was that again? Because Michelin stars where you could get your, what was it? I forget why. It was because when people were learning how to drive, when cars were new, when cars were a thing, Michelin, who does the tires, would release these guides for people when they're driving along to be like, hey, now that there's this thing called roads, there's roadside attractions, and there's also restaurants, and if you're going to be driving along on what used to be a brown piece of dirt pile road, now there's a restaurant there.

24:53Ben Mandelker: So which ones should you go to? We're going to tell you. Basically, they were like, let's take advantage of our new roadside culture and here's our guide. Wow. Yeah. So yeah, they need to change it. So Hugo is checking on Celine and she's very stressed. You know who's not stressed? Hugo. And he's stressing me out though because he's kind of boring. So Richard is talking, you know, it's just, you know, the guest being hilarious. Richard's like, you look like a naughty school teacher. And Jennifer's like, I do. Here's some pearls to shove up your ass.

25:30Ben Mandelker: That was a very aggressive yes and on her part. Everyone, for the next class, I like to call love, passion, and champagne. Up your ass. it's basically like a chocolate covered strawberry and like some cheese and it was kind of it was kind of giving like american airlines you know uh like comfort plus meal yeah it was and so is it was not like the height of michelin gourmet desserts yeah uh so then jess is like well richard doesn't speak very much, eh? And Damon's like, he sure didn't speak much when still he had his hands all over Helen Hoey's Hoey ha-ha's. Helen Hoey's ha-ha's. Hoey ha. Her name is Helen Hoey?

26:24Her name is Helen Hoey. Helen, girl, that's so on the nose.

26:32Ben Mandelker: I went to school. I had a very good friend named Andy Hoey. And? He wasn't very Hoey, though. He was actually delightful. Well, I mean, not that you can be hoey and delightful, but he was, he was saying he wasn't very hoey, period. Also, he was delightful. Ronnie Benji. We should just come up with just like the most. Benny Hunchbacky. Ronnie Bette Midler-Postery. We just need to come up with like the most obvious descriptive names. Oh, my God. I think my package is here. I'm so excited. Oh, do you need to get it? No, I don't need to get it. I can see it outside. I can see the guy trying to figure out if he's going to bring it up all the stairs or if he's going to be lazy and just leave it in the driveway.

27:20He's choosing the lazy option. We can just wrap up this recap real quickly.

27:24Ben Mandelker: Okay. Kyle had sex in the bathroom. Kyle bragged about having sex with Helen and took it all back to save his job. And then he saved his job. But we all know he still fucked her. Okay. Thanks, everyone, for being here on Watch What Crapins. Ronnie has a package pickup. We'll see you in the next episode. Bye. He chose the lazy way and then his cart fell over. And now he's still staring at the package trying to decide if he wants to brave the stairs. Are you going to do it? Does God love you? God is going to love you more if you bring it up the stairs, sir. He's still thinking. Now he's looking at his phone.

27:50I think he can probably hear me, too. He's probably like, you motherfucker. Do it. Do it. Oh, no, he's leaving. He's like, fuck this. I don't get paid enough for this. You know what? I don't blame you, sir. I don't blame you. And thank you for bringing it all the way up the hill. You adorable person. He hates me. okay so uh um anthony is like okay now for uh next course finally we have chocolate coconut milk ganache you get two desserts that's a lot of i mean and shit yeah right he just served cheese and chocolate and now coconut chocolate coconut milk ganache yeah you know what yeah

28:25Ben Mandelker: it's nice it's nice i do love a cheese course i'm not gonna lie um which is this is not what it is but i'm saying the last one was sort of one well you'll just see captain's face with his big smile. I'm feeling very happy. You know, when your entire childhood, you have people telling you you're going to be a loser your entire life. Then you dip a strawberry in chocolate and you realize you are not a loser. You are creator. You make the most basic of basic shit. And now you're fucking badass chef. So Helen is like, this was a panty drop in dinner. Speaking of panties, this is for you, Captain. All right.

29:01And these are real pearls. These are real pearls on these panties. So she puts a thong over his head.

29:07Ben Mandelker: She's like, by the way, I don't know if anyone knows, but Kyle has been sitting under me this entire dinner. These panties are off. That's what the panties are here. The heirloom panties. What is that? Were they grown a long time ago? It was an heirloom panty. Were they your grandmothers? Get that shit off me. I don't want something on my head called heirloom panties. Can I have some new panties? I want some nouveau panties. How about that? Well, don't forget that these people run a lingerie business. And since they apparently are very Italian, I would not be surprised if the name of this skew, this panty skew, is heirloom.

29:47Ben Mandelker: They've named each different panty after a different tomato. These are Roma panties. These are beefsteak panties. These are sauce panties. Those are gravy panties. God damn it, Frank. so the carrier is just like well it's the least I can do they've had a terrible shot I can at least put some panties on my head so he goes down to the galley and compliments Anthony and he's like good job Anthony he goes oh my god I wish my dad could be here to hear this I wish he could be here dad he told me good job somewhere up there my dad is saying your pattern is too soft you fat dyslexic loser let me see well let me into here let me tell you one thing baban guru do your your dad is proud um so anthony is touched so now uh they're setting up a party for the guys because it's pajama party time guess who nobody wants to see uh guess what nobody wants to see any of these people in pajamas.

30:57Nobody. No lingerie for you. Okay. Here's what I want your company to move over into. Robes, muumus, have a muumuu party. Okay.

31:08Ben Mandelker: Oh, you know, it'd be a great party for this group. Um, go into your rooms and go to sleep party. I think that would be great. That's a great idea for them. How about cotillion party? Um, how about cotillion? How about go home party? How about a party where they... Manners. How about a sauce party? So they have a pajama party. Sauce, Frank. Sauce. So they have a pajama party where they wind up doing a pillow fight and feathers come out everywhere. I don't know. Like, I think you can have a pajama party without a pillow fight. And if you're having a pillow fight, I think you can have a pillow fight without the feathers coming out everywhere.

31:48Ben Mandelker: where I didn't see this as a necessary component to the experience. And I just was angry because it looked like hell to clean up. But it was fun because it was Rainbow doing it. And I really thought this was leading into a Rainbow breakdown because they were playing the Rainbow breakdown music, which is like, oh, my sister, my sister, island coming up, island coming up. Oh, my God, don't make me get off the boat. But it wasn't. She was just like, you work and then you die. You work until you die. That's all I do is work until I die. and Fraser's like oh I don't even know where to begin so I'm going to begin by leaving you and not helping you with this and she's like don't worry about it I've got it don't even stress I'm on it me me who does everything yeah and I thought this was totally setting her up to have like a panic attack where she'd be like hey Selene could you just help me with like cleaning up one little corner and Selene would be like no and I thought it'd be a whole thing but it's just her and Damo cleaning up I mean Selene does a little she helps a little bit selene does some vacuuming mainly the feather that winds up in her boobs that's pretty much she does vacuum her boobs yes she does vacuum her boobs and uh rainbow goes we work until we die and selene goes not me and goes to bed so um it's the next day final day of charter and kyle is you ready to go tonight you're ready for my drink for my birthday tomorrow so Barbara's like, I know.

33:14Ben Mandelker: How's everything with Solaine? She's like, oh, he's like, oh, I don't want anything to do with her. You can't be saying, oh, I like this. And then 20 minutes later, flashback to her making out with Demo, right? Am I right? I'm actually going to prompt the flashback to the producers. I don't like that at all. It's like a little bit of an ick for me. Oh, that's an ick for you? Oh, wow. And he's the walking ick. You are the ickiest fucking person. And you know what? At least she chooses people kind of hot. You know, like when you're making out with someone and you're like, oh, wow, that person made out with me?

33:49They're so hot. And then you see them make out with all these ugly people and you're like, oh, they're just I'm nothing special. They're just really slutty today. That's how I feel with Kyle. It's like at least she gets like cuter people so you don't feel bad about it, if that makes any sense. You know? You don't feel devalued by her choices, Kyle. I know, Kyle.

34:09Ben Mandelker: Kyle talking about an ick when he's literally like a walking used Swiffer pad. So Barbara is like, but I know something. She's not a bad person. Like, I think that she doesn't know about consequence. Like, we cannot just go into people's lives and just fuck everything up because we don't care. No, it's not nice. It's not nice. That's like Barbara's tagline. Anything is on like a scale of nice to not nice with her. That's nice. That's not nice. It's not nice. It's not nice. I like it. I'm into a very black and white way to look at the world. Nice, not nice. You know, you suck, you don't suck. That's good.

34:44So, time to get the anchor up. Let's get the anchor up. Hold on, anchor, anchor, anchor. Anchor, anchor. Oh, my God. Anchor, anchor. Anchor, anchor. I just want to say I apologize to the anchor because my decisions matter. Just get the anchor up. God damn it.

34:58Ben Mandelker: I start to realize that I was thinking about my thoughts instead of the anchor. I start, anchor. Who cares? Yes. He was like, bridge is open. We're going in. Knocking on the door. Leaving some pamphlets. That's for you, Mom. Okay. port side maintaining 40 meters looking good 40 meters 35 meters we're doing it we're doing it

35:25Ben Mandelker: so they dock and then the guests all leave and say goodbye and helen's like and by the way thanks again to kyle for letting me use him as a flotation device i love the other way around Yeah, I know, right? So she thanks him and kisses him on the cheek, but she kisses also, like, Fraser on the cheek. And she's like, oh, my God, my boots. I forgot my boots. So then they all, Carrie's like, all right, everyone, thanks for working on. Let's get into our off-charter uniforms. All right, everyone, adventure uniforms. So they change. Yes, and Rainbow is checking in with Jess about her crush on Barbara.

36:04She's like, oh, she hates me. My own decisions. have stymied me again. Instead of just apologizing, should I be like, would you like to go on a date with me? I'm better with my face than I am with my words. And so, you know, Jess gives another monologue about blah, blah, blah. You know, Selene, you know, she's upset with Selene, which of course she is, which is why she's going to give Barbara attention now. So she feels like she's just a game to Selene and Barbara's just a game to her, but she's going to play Barbara for a while. instead of Selene.

36:39Ben Mandelker: Jess, you do realize that you, the whole reason why Barbara's in this mess is because you were playing a game with Selene, right? Like I like, she's like, oh, Selene, just a game player. No, I, I'm not, I'm not going to fall for games anymore. You were the one who played the game. You were the one who actively kissed Barbara to make Selene jealous and bring Selene back to you from the, into the fold. And actually you're kind of being worse than Selene because you actually banged Selene and now you're ignoring her. I mean that's like a typical move like you wait to finally get it in there and then you dump her you're actually becoming worse than her at this point ma 'am yeah exactly so Jess is telling Rainbow that I don't want to disrespect Solaine because she said that she's done and she didn't say it in those words that I'm done but she said it in some words she said many words you know people use lots of words well to be fair you did tell her you had a crush and then jumped into bed with another girl.

37:36Ben Mandelker: So that's on you, girl. And she's like, yes, I did do that. Like, I'm not saying it was a good thing, but like for me, I understand where I went wrong. I'm like, I cannot deal with any more of Jess's existential crisis. Like, I just need this story to wrap up. Yeah. So I need for all of this cast to wrap up, especially Kyle, because God knows what's getting in there. You know, have you seen any billboards? Do you remember the ones they used to have in LA that were like syphilis? God, syphilis. Yeah, syphilis explosion. Yeah. Wrap it up. Wrap it up. So, all right, guys, this charter first day was a big day for all of us dealing with that lady.

38:21But listen, everyone came together, literally, from what I've heard. All right, let's see what we've got here. 22 ,000. And everyone's like, meh, meh, meh. Hey, it's been worse. It could have been Contessa. It could have been Contessa.

38:35Ben Mandelker: It could have been Contessa or the gays. Or the gays, yes. Yeah, the gays were worse than Contessa. 22 ,000 isn't the worst they've gotten. They're all acting like it is. What is the average, would you say, this season? Like 25? Yeah, 25. I think it's because they worked hard. It was a long charter. But, you know, I'm assuming the tip is lower because they were down a person. but it is sort of shitty because like I personally would have tipped more just out of embarrassment for the person that I brought onto the boat but I guess they were not thinking that way so it's time to go cleaning and cleaning and they're doing the cleaning and now it's time to go out and so they're going to be celebrating Kyle's birthday Kyle and Damo are in kilts and of course Kyle's happy because he gets the free ball around and you know I wore a kilt once when I was in the 10th grade production of Brigadoon.

39:28And I will say, well, I wore underwear.

39:31Ben Mandelker: First and foremost, I was not about to scan. Ah, what a poser. What a poser. Harry Bitten always wears underwear. Everyone knows that. Yeren Brigadoon. But it was fun. I actually really enjoyed wearing a kilt. Well, you can do it every day. You know, it'll get you late. I guess I could. Look how it works. You know what? I could eat a bagel and wear a kilt every day if I want to. You could. Live the life. You live the life you want, you know. So now people are getting dressed to go out. And Hugo's like, wow, you saw this gentleman putting on the shoe of Helen, right? I mean, that was service. And Carla's like, oh, Helen Tripp, I fucked Helen in the water.

40:11I'm like, what? And Anthony goes, what? What did he say? He fucked the primary? Did he deconstruct her marzipan?

40:21Ben Mandelker: was he putting was he dipping the the strawberry in the chocolate so carlos i swear to god the idea the whole flotation device she had an idea in her brain and she knew what she wanted i swear to god god look listen to him taking the piss out of that situation it's so blatantly obvious he's joking and hugo isn't sure if this is true and he does not want to know and carl's like my dick went inside her pussy and I was like, we can't do this right now, Helen. And so I go, so did you put a condom? Oh, no condom. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Commercials. Here comes one right now.

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42:26growtherapy.com slash ACAST. Availability and coverage vary by state and insurance plan. I don't think he was kidding either, but we did see a camera under the water. don't you think they would have gotten his little wiener going in there so i don't think so i don't think so i think i think kyle is bragging right now because he thinks he's it's safe to brag and

42:56Ben Mandelker: he's drunk and i i think he's like he's he's to me he's blatantly caught this episode so i think he's bragging right now and by the way i think that hugo as his supervisor kind of um dropped the ball here because he should have sat down Kyle and said listen what you said before in the van I need to know if you were joking or not and said he just sort of like laughed it off it's like because Fraser was the one who actually wound up having to escalate it and which he actually should have done later on and it really should have been Hugo so that is my thought on that he just made someone else do it so he wouldn't get in trouble yeah but he was like look this is going to have to go to the captain and that should have been Hugo's response because it was his department and he heard it firsthand yeah kyle's an idiot um so kyle's like yeah you know yeah so he says my dick went in her pussy so super classy and then jess in the other van i guess we go to dinner now right so they're asking for a special cake for kyle's birthday and all that good stuff and then jess is sitting next to solane which is a bad idea and solane's trying to flirt with her and jess is like no i just want to have fun i'm cutting you off and she's like oh maybe i'll be more easy now.

44:06All I have to do is bite you and then you're done. I'm done. I bite you. It's finished. Nothing anymore. I'm saying, no, no, no. You don't bite me. Look, I'm showing respect for Barbara. Look at that. Barbara!

44:20Ben Mandelker: So then Kyle sees a lady at the bar who looks sort of like that New Jersey redhead from last season who got with Harry. And he basically the timer goes off, a countdown down to them hooking up. He gets up, he goes to the bar and he's like, Mom, I'm sorry, I'm just going to have to interrupt here. I cannot come and say hello. I cannot come and not say hello to you here at the bar. And she's like, So where are you from? And she's like, Scotland. Can you not, like, can you not fucking, Irene? I'm like, where are you from? Like, can't you tell if I'm from Scotland? So she's from Boston. They talk for about three seconds and then start to make out.

44:58Yeah, he's already kind of fall down drunk and she just takes one look at the camera and she's like, I'm going to fuck this guy. She's like, I'm going to fuck this guy on camera. I don't even know what show he's on. I'm going to fuck him on camera. Let's do this.

45:10Ben Mandelker: She's like, it's my last night in St. Martin and I want to get banged. So let's do it. Come on. Let's go, Scottish. Yeah. So she does. She makes out and then everybody's watching and Celine's like, oh, they're kissing. Look at that. Ooh la la. And Hugo asks if she's jealous and she says, Of course not. Of course not. But that's not true because we see her sucking on her straw very hard and angrily. She's like, I cannot believe. I cannot believe. I don't understand why Solaine is so confused about everybody being mildly into her. When they call you so-so, you're setting yourself up for failure.

45:47Ben Mandelker: Yeah. Yeah. It's in the name. So, Martine and Kyle go off to a beach to have sex. and looks like they have sex because you see it's all silhouetted. And he's like, I'm naked under this. Under this kilt, I'm naked. She's like, oh, I really like you. Do you like me? Yeah, you're very attractive. So they're all eating dinner and like they get like Kyle's like nice dinner arrives. He's just not there. They're all laughing. The spark was going off. And then Martine and Kyle then relocate from the beach to just a shitty, shitty public bathroom instead. Yeah, they're just banging the bathroom. So then Fraser and Jess, you know, Fraser's like, would you like to talk outside, possibly on the beach, where Kyle just went, so I can tattletale on him later.

46:34And she's like, okay, sure, I will talk. Let me tell you about my feelings about what I've done to Barbara. He's like, oh, my God, please, please stop. My head's hurting. So he tells her to stop fucking with Barbara. It's not a game, and she's going to keep flirting with Sosa because she's like, but she's so pretty. and he's like, oh my god, stop being so fucking shallow.

46:55Ben Mandelker: But I'm thinking about Barbara. It's like, okay, with Barbara, it's not a game. And if you're going to continue with Sosa, then forget Barbara. Simple as that. Okay, so if I continue with Sosa, I can also continue with Barbara. No, it's Sosa or Barbara. Sosa and Barbara. Okay, got it. We just got a text from our friend Sosa. Isn't that crazy? Are we talking Sosa? Hey Sosa, we're talking about Sosa right now. Hi Sosa. That is actually hilarious. Sosa, Sosa. Oh my God. So Rainbow is like, yeah, bro, still he's still gone. And Fraser's like, well, I'm going to go to the bathroom. So of course he sees a camera crew out there.

47:39So he's going to go inspect to see what he finds. And it's Kyle fucking this girl. And he pulls Jess into here. and we hear uh martine is the girl she's like i love you and he's like i love you as well look at you just look at you oh you've got the urinal puck in your mouth you might want to leave that here

47:59Ben Mandelker: and then she goes she goes smell you later which is probably an accurate thing to say considering they just point in the in the men's bathroom um so then they just separate and uh Meanwhile, Jess takes a picture. She's like, she opens the door and takes a picture of it, which I don't know. Some shows are so like this. It's okay. Some shows people are fine with it like this. And some people are like, that is revenge porn. You are fired. Fired forever. They're on international waters. I just think it's immature. I'm like, just let them have sex. Okay. If we want to see it documented, don't worry.

48:38Ben Mandelker: It is all being documented. I was like, how could she document them having sex as I watched them having sex? Well, the camera crew didn't get them having sex. Just she did. No, not really. The camera crew stayed out of there. But it was pretty quick. It was largely harmless, to be honest. And yes, they go back to the table. And Fraser's like, but I just found him fucking a woman in the bathroom floor. And Bob was like, but how? Which position? That is not nice. It's not nice. And Jess is like, you think I wouldn't document? Let me show it to you. and by taking this photo it proves how much I love you Barbara.

49:13Ben Mandelker: So they look at this picture and you just see like it's actually a pretty benign photo. You just sort of see some legs and whatever. Some legs in the air while Kyle's on top of her in his kilt. So then everybody, Kyle comes back into the restaurant with this girl and everybody starts applauding them and the girl's like thank you, thank you, that's right thank you and then she goes back to the bar and her friend is there and she's like oh my god are you okay she's wiping off her back just like two feet away from everyone i kind of i'd love the brazenness of it all i thought it was great it was like whatever they wanted to fuck they fucked but also the girl i love that the girl's like yeah that that's why i always carry a side uh tide stick martine so i always carry a tarp in my purse um but then kyle like his shirt is open that's inside out i wonder if it's inside i don't know why i'd be i don't know what's going on but um uh he sits down his hair is like in going in every single direction like he also has a look on his face to his credit like kyle after he's fucked his face just looks different it's like a different color like like it's like his eyeball is down by his mouth or something like his nose is on his forehead he's all scrambled up after he's also just wasted you know he's like fall out drunk and so uh he's eating his steak and smiling at everybody like he just when something everyone's grossed out and um selene's like when you came back from your sex with your women of tonight and he's like right and she goes oh so now they go to the jacuzzi so they go back to the place okay the boat and they get in the jacuzzi it's kyle and selene and she's like so when you come back from your sex with your woman of tonight and you were like she's she was better than you That's not polite to say.

50:57Why would you say this in front of all the people? And he's like, well, so it's probably not polite, but I never said I'm a good person. I don't think I'm a good person. Yeah. Now he's doing the whole, look at me. I'm just a drunk. I'm just a drunk sex addict. How could anybody like me? Nobody could possibly like me.

51:18Ben Mandelker: I'm just a gigolo in everywhere I go. People never care about me. yeah he's doing this because when he came back to the table he was like yeah it was great it was better than you Selene which was a dick move and unnecessary and so now he's doing the thing like yeah I was rude but I never said I was a good person in the first place which feels very like 1994 like real world you know and so Selene is like I just think it's rude I was like why is he caring he's like well maybe I'm rude maybe that's what I am so why does that bother you like you don't care so you don't care And she's like, well, I know, like, maybe now it's finished.

51:56Ben Mandelker: Like, maybe you are not good people with me. He's like, whatever we had was whatever. I don't want to know you anymore. I want nothing to do with you. But think about all the stray people catching, or all the people catching stray, like, horniness on this show. Just from Selene and Kyle. I mean, these two are flirting with each other, so she wants to make him jealous. So then she makes out with Jess. And then she was just kind of an innocent stander-by. and then Jess wants to make her jealous, so she gives some to Barbara. And then she wants to make Barbara jealous, so she gives it to Selene again.

52:31Then Kyle gets mad at Selene, so he gives it to this other girl. I mean, there are so many passerbys just catching stray sex because of these people trying to revenge fuck other people. It's kind of amazing.

52:44Ben Mandelker: I know. You know, as they say in Turkey,

52:52Ben Mandelker: I love stray sex

53:00Ben Mandelker: cats cats the cats of cats stray sex I mean so then um they kind of get into it and he's trying to he's all riled up and obviously very hurt by Selene but she's like whatever and she says Well, maybe you are not good people with me. And he's like, whatever we had was whatever. I don't want to know you anymore. I want nothing to do with you. Okay, well, you know, you've already had sex with like two full other people today. And you didn't have any chance with her anyway. Why are you acting like you broke up with her? She already dumped you. You were the one who was pursuing her. She wasn't pursuing you.

53:40Ben Mandelker: Like, she's just not that into you. So why are you making it seem like you're dumping her? But she's no innocent either. I mean, she did look all upset when he was doing all this stuff with the other girl. Like she had some claim. And her thing about just needing people to be attracted to her or she gets mad and then she fucks over every single person but then cries. It's bizarre. It's bizarre. It needs help. She needs help on a serious level. She does need help. So now it's 12.52 a.m. And Jess is like, Barbara, can I talk to you? Like, oh, God, here we go. Earlier I spoke with Fraser Like we had dinner and stuff And obviously Soso and I were super touchy And he called me out He was like if you want something The way that you're acting is really not showing that And I agree with him 100 % Even if nothing happens between us Like me and Soso Are done You were just touching with her like two hours ago And someone else had to tell you you better stop Like you didn't even come to that realization yourself And now you're like we are totally done And Jess, I swear to God, just throw yourself off the boat at this point.

54:47Yeah, this isn't cool. And I don't like that Barbara fell for this because she's going to just keep doing it over and over again. She's acting like she's never heard any of this before. Like, I can't believe it. Do you know what Fraser told me? That if I'm flirting with someone, but I want someone else that it doesn't look good. Isn't that crazy? So thankfully, I got that lesson. What?

55:09Ben Mandelker: And now I realize I just want to be with you. And me and Soso are completely done. Like, what? It was two hours ago you were flirting at the table. You were just doing that. She's like, but, you know, I have hurt because I have feelings. And so I don't know because you hurt me. But that was not nice. But then you're asking for date is nice. So I'm going to go for nice because, you know, maybe you're not good. Maybe you're not nice. But at least you can buy me a steak. so I'm going I'm going to the date you know it's not nice but I am horny so okay I'll go I was like no Barbara yeah no yeah well you know as long as you just take the steak out of it and don't let yourself get hurt but girl so and also it's just so not flattering probably to watch this back and hear somebody being like yeah you know Barbara's nice and I really like that she's actually gay but God, Selena is really what I want.

56:07She's so beautiful, but she's probably not a good decision. I should really go for the, you know, reliable Honda over the BMW that I'm really craving, right? Yeah, so you're flattering. Do you think that is for Barbara to hear, you know? Jesus.

56:24Ben Mandelker: Yeah, well, we know because the Instagram wall makes its return. And here's Barbara saying, you know, I am hurt, but I do have some feelings, like at the same time, I don't think I'm trusting her, you know? So say, okay, when she's going to change her mind again, I think this day it's more about conversation. Understand, where are we? Everyone deserves a second chance, but never try. If you never try, you never know. Okay, yeah, Ronnie's right. You're in it for the free meal. You can try to make it seem like you're trying to understand this woman better. You understand what she's all about. You know.

56:57Ben Mandelker: I also don't understand why this deserved an Instagram wall, this moment for her to be like, hmm, I don't know. Maybe she deserves a second chance. Because it was showing us that Barbara has good friends. You know, Barbara's Instagram, all I like, because it's like, look, here's me at the pottery class. You know, I like that. She's like, I'm dancing with an older lesbian lady. Look at me. I'm walking with a penguin. You know, it's like. Hers is somewhat interesting, so I like it. She's like, look, I've gardened a ficus. Grow it from a seed. By the way, I need to water that plant you gave me. Look how big it's getting, that plant.

57:32It's not so big. It's gotten one year. It's so big. It's like so big. Yeah.

57:37Ben Mandelker: It's impressive. Did you ever name it? No. You should maybe name it Barbara. Bentry. Just call him my bentry. Yeah. Bentry. Hello there. This is a two part recap. Okay. This is the end of part one. So thank you so much for listening to this. Just come back a little later for part two. Watch what crappens would like to thank its premium sponsors. Ain't no thing like Alison King. It's always a party on Alison Block Our way is the Amber way It's the Foster and the Furious It's Amanda Foster It's always automatic with Ashley Otto Put your hands together for Carly Clapp Get on the right foot with Chrissy Offutt She's not just a Sheila, she's a Daniela Itchles We never miss her call, it's Diane Call Erin McNicholas, she don't miss no trickles Hava Nagila Weber You'll never hide from Heidi Eleanor Jones I go, you go, we all go for Hugo Jamie, she has no last name-y She's our kind of mess, it's Jennifer Messer Sips some scotch with Jessica Trotch She's our favorite streamer, Caroline Peacock Kristen the Piston Anderson Get a bee in your bonnet with Lacey B Que sera, sera, whatever we'll be Will Lauren Sills be Brigging the funk, it's Leslie Plunkett She gets an A from us, it's Lindsay B Let's give a kisserino to Lisa Lino Fresh as a daisy, it's Maisie McHenry We love her on the rocks.

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