#3124 Southern Charm S11E05 Part One: Pool Intentions

0:21Well, hello, and welcome to Watch What Crappens. I'm Ronnie, and that's Ben over there. Hello, Ben. Hi, Ronnie. How's it going? Oh, great, great. Good to be here. Welcome, everybody. It's Southern Chalm Day. And guess what? I think my volume is really loud. I'm maxing out. I'm going to turn it down. Turn that beat around and down. Yeah, turn the beat around. Guess what? It's almost Christmas. You excited? I'm excited. We're going to get some time off. Hanukkah is in full swing. I'm going to make some latkes tonight. I'm also excited. Yesterday, thank you to those who reached out with concern about my coughing yesterday.

0:59I just had like something in me. I was not sick. And our friend Judy sent an article later in the day saying, this is why my eyes have been irritated so lately. Apparently, there had been some sort of, quote unquote, radiation fog that had settled in over Los Angeles, which sounds very scary, but it's like a different meaning of the word radiation. It's like this. The earth is warm and the air is cold and it causes whatever. So the fog was messing up. Let's not call it radiation then. How about that? Yeah. Why don't we not call it radiation? I saw it here in Google. I know. I agree. I think that it's really dramatic.

1:38Whoever named it radiation fog is a bit dramatic. But that would explain why I all of a sudden started coughing like crazy yesterday and my Judy's eyes were messing up or like irritated and Dom was sniffling. Everyone was like, you know, awry yesterday, but then everyone's back to normal today. No worries, guys. It was just radiation poisoning, but not the scary kind. Just like it's actually like the warm, cuddly radiation, you know, that kind of just makes you cough a little bit. When making radiation a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. Well, radiation aside, everybody, welcome to the show. Monday is our final Amazon Live of the year.

2:15It's going to be at 4 p.m. Pacific time. Over on Amazon Live, you can find the links where you find them all the time, over in our link and bio over on Instagram. And that's it for now. We're just ready to jump right in today. What do you think about it, Ben? I am ready to jump in. I'm ready to jump all the way in. Me too. Let's do it. All right. Here we are. Southern charm. Season 11. Episode five. Loose lips and deep, deep rifts.

2:46Yeah. Molly is gardening at home, which is exciting. And she's not happy about it. She doesn't like what's going on with the weeds. She's like, this is a weed. So fuck you weed. And then it smacks her in the face. And then we go to Sally and she's in her scrub. Let me tell you, everybody knows a weed is a fucker, but they're vindictive. they're vindictive and they're mean i used to have to pick weeds whenever i was grounded when i was young which was like all the time i was always out there picking weeds and i had to do it with my lesbian aunt josie and i only point out that she's a lesbian because she was a tough tough ass and very strong strong lesbian okay and my hands would bleed and she loved she was like that's what you get and now you need to be more careful with how you talk to adults i was like oh god fuck you weed I said fuck you weed so many times Molly really is a relatable queen why I just don't understand why weeds can't be prettier because if they were prettier they'd be wonderful because they're so hardy they always grow back you know it's so hard to grow the intentional plants but the ones that you don't care about just spread they come back over and over and over again I would like weeds to have utility I mean like a dandelion why can't we follow a dandelion's lead they're so cute they come out they're yellow they're sort of like floppy headed and then they go to seed and they become very whimsical you know like why can't more weeds be like that instead they're just these generic kind of leafy things things so strong too because it's so they're so strong weeds i mean i'm pulling those weeds some of them and they don't even look that big but they go down they get bigger as they go down you just can't pull them i mean they're just awful awful things I got a whole bunch in my garden, like my little gale area.

4:32I've got this beautiful red pepper plant that's just like doing its thing. But there's a weed in there and you just pull it out and it goes back. Also, I got grass growing in my little planter pots. I'm like, grass? How did you even get up here? We're above. I'm on a terrace. How did grass get in here? But I've got grass growing where you don't need it. Yeah, grass is really annoying too. Grass is like a boyfriend. It always comes. It's like a man, like always comes at the wrong time. and where you don't need it, you know? Yeah, it smells better when you cut it down. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, so then Sally is at home.

5:08She's on Scrubs, and we know that she's doing doctory things because she's circling spines. Yeah. Yeah, maybe she's working on Natasha's spine from Vanderpump Rules. That's what I thought of, too. I was like, wow, we're really into horses this year. All the shows have horses. And now I think another running theme is going to be Crooked Spines. Crooked spines. It's funny because I went to occupational therapy yesterday. And really because I had sprained my wrist. But also while I was there, I was like, can you give me some posture exercises? And now I'm like working on it. And I was like, yeah, like spines are in right now.

5:43So I kind of like really want to work on mine. Spines are super in right now. I've been working on my posture too. I don't know that it's working really well. But I'm going to get me in shape. Gina is going to do it all for me with her exercises she gave to me. we love Gina she was a big laugher I love a physical therapist who can laugh so Sally's circling spines and then we go to Whittner's law office and he's there he's like shredding papers so he's talking to the lady the receptionist and he's like hey Beth what's more lawyerly than shredding a bunch of papers am I right? she's like huh not much he's like well particularly when they're discovery requested I'm not going to answer right Beth?

6:25right way to get that on the record yeah and she's like well that would require billable hours though just saying beth is a just saying person just saying listen nobody needs a secretary who's a just saying secretary okay uh well you could have gotten that call if you're here five minutes too earlier just saying she's got funny coffee mugs you just know it like but first call i don't think she does the butt first coffee that's like for the millennials the millennials love the butt first coffee thing hers are just like wish i'd been sleeping or something like that i think her coffee can say just saying like just saying all right it's coffee just saying just um uh maybe she has one that says the horrors persist but so do i oh or maybe she has this one i'd looked up funny coffee mugs.

7:22I guarantee she has this one, which says it's a coffee mug with a baguette on it. It says, less regrets, more baguettes. Yeah, that's a good one. I think she was, or I wish I wasn't here. Or just like Mondays, am I right? So Patricia is at home. Now, I love that Patricia hates so much, hates Randy so much, that she's got a gong. so that she knows that she's about to be intruded on by Randy because it's martini time, which I guess means it's like 10 o 'clock in the morning. And we just hear gong. And he comes in. He's like, it's 5 o 'clock, man. I've got your martini. He's like, yeah, I heard the gong, Randy.

8:07All right. Now I got the gong so I wouldn't have to listen to your voice. I'm just impressed. I'm just impressed that Randy startled himself with the gong. You know, you usually get startled by things that are unexpected, but you saw yourself and you made the choice to hit the gong with the mallet. And then you still got startled by the gong noise. He was like, ah, ah, ah. He was. It's like, Randy, you know it coming. You know it's coming and you're still scared. But that's Randy, you know, he's working for Miss Patricia and it's hard. I think she probably has pictures of Michael everywhere. Or she has like a handbook with Michael's picture on the cover.

8:46And she's like, Randy, you want to come over here and read about how Michael would do it? Read it out loud. Okay. Every word, read every word from this page. And he's just like, uh, better, better, better, better. That's right. That's how Michael would do it. All right. Go back to your crate. All right, Randy, we're going to do a test. See those two candlesticks over there. Okay. Can you move those? But of course she points those four. There's four different candles on the table, but she's like, see those two. So Randy's like, oh, let's make a judgment call. So, of course, he takes the most old-fashioned ones.

9:18No, not those. The fragrant ones that the stupid people keep bringing me. Get those out of here. Those are disgusting. All right, smell it. Doesn't it smell gross? It smells gross. Okay, man, it smells gross. All right, light it. Okay? Put your hand down towards it. Further. Further. Further. Do not scream on the gong, Randy. On the gong. Have you ever seen body of evidence? Huh? Just a question.

9:53So she's sipping her martini. This one is full of ice. Is that just a new first martini of the day kind of a thing? Because I've never seen her have a martini glass full of ice. It's weird. Maybe in the summertime. Yeah. Maybe in the summertime she likes her martinis on the rocks. Maybe she's trying to get more water. Yeah. Maybe that's what it is. so madison arrives and randy's like she's already all got her cocktail she's meaner than ever be careful and mess is like okay well i'm just so jealous so she walks in they say hi stop drop and roll stupid stop drop and roll what's wrong with you why are you answering the door on fire you know your butler's on fire you also smell quite good i gave him one of the fragrant candles sandalwood i never really got that one oh my god are you pregnant no i've just been eating fat people am i right so um she's like yeah i'm just going out clubbing later here here well that's a cute dress that's not a maternity type dress is it she's like i just size up thankfully i'm just so small normally that I can just wear actual normal sizes from a store, even being nine months pregnant.

11:11Well, I worked until I gave birth when I was wearing what looked like a sack. I would just walk up to Art and be like, that looks dumb. It's easy to do that when you're pregnant. And then she said... The problem with dressing like a sack when you're pregnant is that you actually give birth to a potato. Randy, take my potato, some water, all right? renob's about to rehearse the worst part about being pregnant is giving birth my labor was literally two days without an epidural or a martini I did it once and that was enough I mean the worst part of being pregnant I would imagine is living with Whitney for 50 something years the man has a band named it's boner backwards so how many months is it now I'm sort of getting sick and tired of having you over and not drinking She's like, well, I have 10 weeks left It's a lot, it's a lot of time left We've been hanging in there I'm like, wow, Madison's been pregnant for I mean, it's not that she's been pregnant for a long time But I felt like she was on the precipice of giving birth Since like the first episode And the fact that she's like, I still have 10 more weeks left I was like, damn, it's a long journey It is, it's a long journey And then do they appreciate you?

12:24No, they never do Well, tell me this, are you going to breastfeed? And she's like, well, we'll see if you like Silicone implants or not I tried breastfeeding for about 20 seconds. That's my idea of hell. It is funny having the butler try to do it. But otherwise, mm-mm. We're going to try to get some milk out of Randy. Could someone put him out, by the way? I mean, I always say he's flaming, but right now he really is on fire. We just see Randy pass by smoking, running by. Have you met Sally's friend, Charlie? She's super pretty, real cute. Anyway, I think a little laughter hunkle's happening because Craig flirts with Sally and then Sally flirts with Craig and then I think Sally likes him, but Craig's more to Charlie so Craig's having these girls over and he's hanging out at the hot tub late night party pretty frequently.

13:16Intriguing. Did anybody sleep with anybody? No, I don't know if I heard any report back from that just yet. Okay, well until there's some girl on boy action or even some girl on girl action I don't want you coming back to these parks. Okay You've got some harassment for me to excuse I don't need to hear any of this I don't care about courtship Just the hot stuff So she says Yeah She's like I have old fashioned ideas About courtship I mean what's wrong with having sex in a bed Where it's civilized A hot tub sounds totally disgusting Unless it's empty and build money. So Madison is like... It is disgusting having sex in hot tubs.

14:04Also, it felt like yeast infection central. That's what my friend tells me. Yeah, I feel like I wouldn't... It's also like not... Like ergonomically, it's a little difficult. There's a lot of like shapes in a hot tub. A lot of like benches or like rounded ledges that are supposed to be like, oh, you sit here, but they're always sort of like getting in your ass crack. And you're like, ow. Like I don't even have to be having sex and be uncomfortable in a hot tub. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, and water makes skin-on-skin friction weirder. It doesn't feel right. It's almost squeaky. Yeah. Can I say something?

14:37As long as we're talking about sex, I watched the first 20 minutes of the first episode of Heated Rivalry last night. Oh, my God. I did, too. Literally 20 minutes. 20 minutes. And I have to say— And I didn't hate it. Why'd you turn it off? I didn't hate it, but I also—I didn't love it. I didn't think it was that good. Oh, I did. I loved it. It was like with dialogue, which I really liked. You know, I liked all the like closeups where they like touch hands. They touched hands or how the Russian guy is like drinking water really aggressively to flirt. He's like, I was like, why is that flirting?

15:16Maybe hot people just do it different. I mean, I don't know, but I liked it. I only turned it off because I was really stoned and I felt like I needed to be completely present. um i i turned off honestly i was like a little bored i'm not gonna lie i was just like but i also thought it was funny what well i mean they were 20 i know no i'm gonna continue watching it because i like to support the gay arts and everyone's talking about it i mean it was it was definitely like i liked that they were there i like this like story but i was like this also felt a little bit unearned to me i'm like you just started the entire show with them like Like, like we didn't even have any sort of like missed encounter kind of moment or like, wait, does he, is that guy gay?

16:00Is he, it just was like kind of started off hot and heavy. And I was like, I, what about the, what about the buildup? Okay. Am I, am I just too old fashioned? I feel like these shows, you need to have at least one episode of like, oh my God, is something going to happen with these guys? But it was like really, it was so fast. It kind of like took away some of the excitement for me. Oh, well, I felt like there was a lot. a buildup because first they're in the locker room and then the Russian guy starts to jerk off at him and he doesn't jump his bones right in the shower. So I thought that was the buildup.

16:33That was like a whole relationship sometimes in gay terms, you know, it's like they actually made a date to go meet in a room. So I thought that that was like really good character development. I really liked it because I felt like it was like a steamy, stupid soap opera, but for gays. So I, and I love a good steamy soap opera. So I was like, yeah, it's finally some, some gays getting their their soaps on i did like that yeah i like that it's so stupid it's like of course the russian guy has a dad who's like you do it for russia this is only for mother russia you little shit of course he's terrible and only cares about russia and then the mom the other guy's mom is like you're doing this for asian children everywhere don't fuck it up you know it's like the the parental pressure which i really i don't know i really yeah i only stopped watching it because i was stoned and that makes me um paranoid and i live alone but i still kept looking around like oh my god is someone watching me like i felt like paranoid that i was watching something dirty and like i was gonna get in trouble so you're afraid you're afraid the mom was gonna come to the tv and be like i see the smut that you're watching yeah so i was like i I need to watch this when I'm like in of sound mind so I can be properly turned on and not feel guilty about it.

17:50Well, well, I apologize ahead of time because I just ruined our chances yet again for us to earn a glad media award because he did rivalry. So something negative, but he did rivalry just felt like it just jumped right into it. I'm like, um, come on. You need to tease it out. You need to make up, be like, Oh my God. Oh my God. The tension, the sexual tension. So amazing. They're just like, no, we don't believe in sexual tension, but that is very gay too well they have sexual attention though because they flirted remember when they were in the locker room before they almost had sex but well i guess this was when they were working out and then they were one of them was on the um the the bike thing what do you call it the peloton and then the other guy came he was like really lazy and depressed and going slow and then the russian comes in and he goes really fast on the peloton and so the other guy's like I'm going to go as fast as him.

18:40So they compete on the Peloton. That was hot. And then when they sat in the locker room and then drank water really fast and aggressively while he'd like spread his legs and kind of touched his hand, I was like, this is hot. I mean, this is definitely hot. I think, I mean, that's, that's enough of a script. I did like the, the water bottle passing moment, but I still felt like that was like in the first five minutes. I'm like, again, you're jumping into like, let me just tease it out. It gives me one episode of teasing it out. That's all I ask for. And then I'm in, I just was so, it was, they just jumped right into it.

19:12And again, that is very gay. I mean, gay, that's how gay hookups happen. It's like literally walking down the street and then boop. But, um, I think the drama is going to come from, you know, you hook up and it's one thing, but then, you know, you're competing against each other in a very straight sport. So what's the drama? Like, how do you stay together? And are you going to keep hooking up because that's not as gay, right? When it's like the same guy over and over for years and years. Like, what do you do? There's drama in that too. You know? Like, oh my God, you have to have sex with the same person.

19:43The drama is going to get crazy. I don't know. Well, I'll still watch it. I'll still watch it. I'll keep telling you. I'm going to watch it. I'll tell you that. There was a show on the CW that I felt like covered similar territory that was a lot hotter. I'm going to watch it and I'll tell you what I'll be holding the whole time. Not my penis. but a fan an old church fan too i'm gonna get like one of those clackity fans we go clack and then i just fan myself watch it like

20:13heated rivalry well the show that i liked on the cw was called the la complex and it was um it was also a canadian show and it was about like young people in la trying to make it and there was like one guy who was like an intern for like um like a musician and then like you know over the course of several episodes it turns out like the musicians closeted gay and they start like a romance and you're like oh my god oh my god this is the hottest thing of all time because they tease it out they tease it out but you know what I'm not teasing out right now well my hair yeah get in there bang em bang em slam em slam em thank you mam em be done with it it's time for a commercial it's time for a crappin's commercial

21:03so yeah so they're gossiping about the kids who are having sex or not and then we go over to witness literary themed dinner party uh flashback and why austin and craig got into a fight which is still the dumbest fight of all time i don't even want to talk about it anymore so then uh madison's just basically telling patricia that craig lost it and patricia's like well i mean it was just such an innocuous statement is he all right it's like no i mean obviously he's heartbroken Paige the devil woman Broke Craig's heart He'll never be the same The late night hot tubs The drinking It's just a void he's trying to fill Because he's not over Paige And then we see They really do work over time To get as much Paige content Into this episode as possible You know they have so many flashbacks of Paige It's like hey there's that place That's where Craig gets coffee Remember when Craig got coffee with Paige And it'd be like a flashback of Craig and Paige getting coffee and page being like hmm here's a coffee i'm like wow they really want to get they really want to increase the amount of page they can get on bravo while they can yeah well he's got to get it under control before it just takes back over his life i mean what is the life of hot tubs and drinking and having fun all night it sounds terrible yeah well i may need another one today just get me another martini hey gonger have you put yourself out yet gong your thing and bring me another drink oh unfortunately randy's just been reduced down to a pile of ashes what was fun while we had him so now we go over to craig's house and he is um trying to empty out the water from a volleyball net i guess the water that yeah that's as the weight or whatever yeah it's like the weight and um he's there with jack his assistant i think we first met jack on the episode that we did not recap um over thanksgiving and the first thing that i thought of when i saw jack then is that i think it's so funny that craig got an assistant whose face looks just like pages i mean if you look at jack's face it's page it's page with like a little southern haircut and a polo shirt absolutely if you look at it it's page's face i was like okay it all makes that assistant with page face um i thought that in when i was watching this my only thought when i saw jack was in jack's mind this is heated rivalry like i feel like jack is taking everything craig does yeah it's like kind of a sign you know like oh my god i'm helping craig with another party today i hope i'm invited you know i think it's like super sexy in jack's mind and um craig's like well i hope the volleyball stand works because like that's the main event of my party yeah it's gonna be like a really yeah this is this i can tell page is not here anymore because page would be like volleyball is the main event craig no absolutely not it's gonna be a table with cocktails on it but um yeah for craig volleyball is gonna be the thing that happens and so they're pouring out all this shit and it's just like it's so gross like you see this green water coming out of the base of this volleyball net and he's like your mom's been in there for a few years right okay so what can i say so jack is just disgusted jack is playing the role of page today he just has his arms crossed and he's like well i wish i could give you a lashing the way what page did but i'm actually on your payroll so i can't but we could have a heated rivalry if you want should this be a romantic moment no i can't just stare at the cameras and disgust a lot of the time which is what he does he just keeps looking at the cameras I was like, did you hear that?

24:43Craig is like, yeah, those waters have been here for two years. Like, did you hear that? Yeah. So how's everything going, Jack? And he's like, you know, just getting everything ready for the party that you're pretending to throw by yourself. He's like, yeah, I know. It should be fun. There's like a couple of minute last minute requests, though. Okay. So Jack goes, oh, great. I hear some of those undertones in there. Were those undertones? No. What are you talking about? Looks at the camera. Like, can you hear this bitch? Did you just hear this bitch? The only thing I was thinking of is if we call a power washing company tomorrow and see if they can come blast this, because I think it'll look a lot nicer because Connor's going to set up a ceviche station here.

25:21It's like a Memorial Day pool party from when we were little. So I think that we're, you know, when we were little, you have Memorial Day with ceviche. So I was kind of thinking like we lean into a little bit more attack, but be like tacky and be like we normally would be like a lot of stars. And Jack is like, OK, so you just want to do an elevated Memorial Day party. OK, sure. Got it. undertones i heard undertones oh also yeah we need a power washer okay power wash it he's like okay same day power washing got it got it i'll just go hire a power washing company in the next five minutes to show up here in the next 10 sounds great craig yeah to power wash a coffee table so you can put ceviche on it and then also like it's so craig to be like yeah let's have like a memorial day pool party from like when we were little because i'm memorial what are these things but what is like the what are like the the childhood memorial day party like pool parties i feel like they're just pool parties right and that's just so craig you know he like makes you like sit and watch like angels in the outfield or something like this movie is so good i loved it as a kid you guys literally wanna come over watch angels in the outfield he does that like every weekend charlie sheen's a really good actor was that charlie sheen that was mighty ducks that was maybe major league emilio estavis was mighty ducks yeah angels in the outfield was i don't know what was the one about the kid who had the arm like the rookie rookie of the year honestly i didn't watch a ton of those i didn't really understand them they needed more gay sex which is why he did rivalry works you're right sports they did need more of that they didn't More of that.

27:00That's true. Except like not Bad News Bears or something like that. But like, you know, like the what were the ones you just said? What even have maybe Field of Dreams could have used some more gay sex? I never saw that. I never saw Field of Dreams. You know, Jerry Maguire's gay sex when you say if they if you build it, they will come. Like it sounds like the perfect gay log line. Well, I'm also down, you know, like I also, you know, like Jerry Maguire. That's a good one. That's football. that was pretty good that could have used more sex though could have used it but you know cuba gooding jr in that towel will always stay with me so i appreciate that yeah it's gay enough yeah it's pretty good also it's where we learned that the human brain weight brain weighed eight pounds so that was important we also and it brought us to renee's elweger and um bonnie hunt well bonnie hunt was with us already but like that was that was that was when we realized that we all needed a Laurel in our lives in the form of Bonnie Hunt to give us some good advice that we just wouldn't listen to.

28:02So Craig's like, yeah, I love throwing parties. Like I was the social chair of my fraternity in college. Do we believe that? I almost fact checked it. Fact checked it right on the spot, but I don't know how to. I believe he was a social chair. I also don't know if being a social chair in a fraternity makes you qualified to throw a quote-unquote like adult party um you know many years later 15 years later i'm just not sure yeah it says yes craig conover was the social chair of his fraternity kappa sigma while attending the college of charleston well he mentioned it in an interview so i don't know that's the thing like you can't fact check craig because every time you try and fact check him he's already given an interview where he's given the fact so I need someone else someone else let's just have like a crazy conspiracy well it's not that crazy because Craig is always lying so that's why I'm asking so anyway he's like my parties have just graduated throughout the years and then we see a flashback to 2018 Cameron of course it's always Cameron's judginess she's like do you even have ice ew Craig you don't have ice I won't shoot this show anymore I'm too good to be on a show without ice at parties we're gonna need um a new judgy judgy girl on this show i mean madison is is pretty judgy but she's also got a baby coming and she's just gonna be too busy to deal with craig so we need someone else maybe charlie can step into this role of someone who just is disgusted by craig and um wants to boss him around and and like you know make him better himself because that's like a really fun role for me on Southern Charm.

29:49I enjoy watching that. I do too. And it's one of the things that made this show so successful was Cameron. I think that they should just kind of reboot this show and do it all like they're going to do with Orange County where they're bringing back a bunch of the originals and just bring back most of the original cast. I mean, I know most of them are in jail or completely canceled by now, but at least age appropriate people. I mean, I didn't love her, but I mean, you know, like Cameron is that the only I'm trying to think who else could come on that's not canceled. I mean, Catherine, I think, is in jail for like 30 days or something for DUI.

30:25Chelsea. Cameron, Chelsea, Danny are the only OG girls I can think of. And Jenna basically didn't make an impression. Well, what about Landon?

30:38Yeah. Get all the terrible people back. I think it needs it. Because right now, it's just all the guys have gotten old. It's like the Matthew McConaughey, like, I love dating high school girls because we get older, but they stay the same. And it's just not as fun watching, you know, young people be like, oh, my God, do you think he likes me? No, he's going to use you. OK. And they're OK with it because they just want the likes on Instagram or whatever. I need like the older people. I think that would get more of a win for their money. Audrey, who cares if he breaks up with Audrey or not? I mean, who cares?

31:09She's like too young. She's like she's probably not there for the right reasons. We all know it's not going to work. I need somebody who can give them a run for their money. Well, we actually already have a comment from Landon at the idea of coming back to the show.

31:34Landon, we miss you. Thank you.

31:47Maybe we should have Ramona come and join the show

31:56So Craig's like yeah I just I want to host so badly But like maybe I should just let Like the yard be the host And once his bud just looks at the camera like you fucking kid is this guy fucking kidding with me it's like b arthur was reincarnated into this gay assistant what what sort of host says let the yard be the host that is the laziest rebrand of and like passing the buck of not wanting to do any of the effort of being a host but yeah i'll be like the yard is like you know because like the garden will be open so if someone wants to pick tomatoes and peppers why do people want to pick tomatoes and peppers at your party why is he thinking like for the mixology like if you want to make a cocktail you like get it fresh it's like some weird attempt at being like martha stewart right now like no no no no no one wants your tomatoes that are probably growing within a foot of the beehive and they'll get stung no craig no the yard is not the host it doesn't work like that it makes no sense he's like i paid for the yard so that's enough i got the setting everybody else figure it out So he's like well we're getting honey from the hives To give to the bartenders for the signature cocktail And we're gonna have a slushy machine And I told Charlie we could do pina coladas Cause she really likes those And we see a flashback to Charlie being like Oh my god I love a frozen drink I love pina coladas She's like If you love pina coladas am I right Craig I don't get it Do you like getting caught in the rain No Do you like making love at midnight It's a little late for me Okay Craig you're not really yes anding me here Except Craig would know all those words Because he's like a yacht rock kind of a guy I think he's like Remember listening to that song when you were little If you like pina coladas He just shows up Paige and Craig show up at a restaurant together She's like damn it Never should have answered that ad So Craig is talking about how it's so nice having a crush on someone again Because it reminds you that that feeling is possible So Charlie's taking my mind off Paige Yeah, like she just has Which is why I'm still talking about Paige And this party I can't seem to host without Paige Paige, Paige, Paige And also flirting with Sally at the same time And kind of falling in love with Jack Because he's kind of got Paige's face I don't know Jack's like, oh my god, he's screaming Paige and rocking back and forth Now's my chance.

34:24Now's my chance. Okay, I'm better now. Damn it. Damn it. Oh, and then we see here. Now, I remember this detail now, and now everything makes sense. So Craig goes, oh, I also have to pick up some drop hop for bottles for Austin because, like, that's my gesture because, like, we got into a fight. So now I know why he's really mad that Austin didn't show up because he's like, I bought drop hop from you and for you, and he didn't even show up, and now I'm stuck with drop hop at my house. Now I see why he's so mad later on. well he says he's got to pick him up he didn't say he had to buy him oh probably just called whoever and went down and got some free ones and he's like yeah i mean i shouldn't have yelled but i apologize to him so i hope he comes and jack's like well i just can't imagine him not coming looking at the camera sort of sort of like me and you late at night am i right heated rivalry fantasy sorry so we go to vanita's house and vanita's like well i don't think i had an egg this jammy before i'm scared and it's a classic vanita and charles scene where she is she's really pushing the limits of uh of adrenaline with that jammy egg situation i hope she's okay with that extra jammy egg she's never had one so jammy before everyone america will she survive will she survive i love a i love a charles scene i was just glad to see charles there looking all handsome Yeah, but he was getting up.

35:49Yes, we've seen heated rivalry, Charles. Okay. God. Put down the remote control. Don't you agree, though? There should have been a little bit more of a buildup. Woof. Quiet, Charles. Make my jammy egg. So Vanita, as she does every day, I'm sure, calls Austin. And she's like, oh, hi, where are you? And he's like, I'm Charlotte. I just wanted to get out of town for a second. I just wanted Audrey to, like, meet the cats. You know, there's Audrey back there. There she is. Yeah. Yeah, the car broke down, so she's pushing us towards the gas station. Hey, Audrey, say hi. She's like, oh, hi.

36:27And Vinita's like, I'm not buying the rumor. Austin and Audrey are well-suited for each other, but I don't know if Austin will ever be mature enough to put a ring on someone's hand, but I think they are quite cute together, and I don't know. I'm rooting for him. So then Austin puts, like, Piper on camera, because he's, like, not really going to put Audrey on camera, but he'll definitely, like, zoom in on the cat. and Vinny is like, oh my God, Piper, so cute. Yeah, so what are you doing? What are you up to right now? I'm just making a jammy egg, probably the jammyest egg I've ever made in my life.

36:54I actually am like so glad you're here to witness this because I don't think I've ever had something so jammy and if I die, just know she died eating the jammyest egg of her life. Well, I haven't processed fully how Craig just flipped on me. He flipped on me. And so we see the party of flipping out and he's like, well, I mean, I talked to Shabby yesterday after days of not speaking to him. It had been days. spinning to watch her face and we see this flashback all the spits coming through the phone she's just like yeah that was rough she's like you got spit on my jammy egg and austin we see this flashback of austin calling shep and shep is sitting on a staircase and austin's like yeah i don't want to call yet because i've just been doing a lot of thinking the first time of my life and like why do my two friends feel the need to just like attack me so fucking callously and it just like smacked me in the face.

37:42I'm like, says everyone who's dealt like within three inches of your tongue, just flapping around. And he's like, I was just like questioning fucking everything. I was like, are these dudes even still my friends? Like, I was just like so hurt by all of it. It's insane right now. Commercials. Here comes one right now.

38:07I know, I'm just sick over this thing. I mean, you're my brother. And I played a small part, but a part of it nonetheless. Oh, you've had a terrible week. I'm hurt that I hurt you. So Austin's saying, yeah, you know, Shep would be very upset by me choosing to ignore him. Like, I think my friends view me as a target, and that's, that I'm going to forgive them. Okay, Mr. Victim, you just did the same thing all last year to Craig. And before you did this, and kind of to Shep, too. Called him a loser for that girl he was dating. Not that you were wrong on either count. But this is what you guys do to each other.

38:47So, what do you want from me? Exactly. So, Vanita's like, well, Shep's reaction, that's a real friend. Because he's not saying, oh, you need to change these things about yourself and then come back to me. He's like, how do I do better for you and your friendship? And then he's going to, like, not follow that advice, but at least he's asking, you know? And meanwhile, Craig's just like, well, that's how I feel. I can get on out. Yeah, because it's been really tough the past few days to come to that realization. I mean, I guess I could have just, like, watched her own TV show and I would have realized it a lot sooner.

39:11But who does that? Okay, like, I was like, wait, wait a minute. A real friend wouldn't be taking pleasure of making you feel like shit. It's insane. And Vanita, who's not subtle at all, is like, yeah, Craig is way worse than Shep. Get rid of Craig. And also, Sally has to stop hanging out with him, too. I don't like it. And I'm going to be on Pages Amazon Live one day, damn it. So everybody stop talking to Craig. Yeah. And Vanita, yeah, she's like, yeah, it's awful. So now we go to Molly driving her Mitsubishi. And Molly's like, oh, my God, it's so pretty today. Is that a low tide? Oh, my God, it's prime shark tooth hunting time.

39:51Let me call my mother. This is what that's actually a that's not just us summarizing. That's literally what she said. She says, it's prime shark tooth hunting time. Let me call my mother. I like this scene because this is Molly. And I know that it's just shot this way because they're shooting it. But just the way she was driving, all these cars are passing by and going. And Molly's just stopping in the middle of the road talking on her phone. She's not even pretending to drive half the time. It was so funny to me. You just see all these cars trying to go around her. So her dad answers And he's like hello She's like mom no she's out in physical therapy But you know should we call you when she gets home She's like it's okay I can talk to you I'm just like I'm just driving back from Keith's dad He's like who's Keith what's that all about What do you mean who's Keith dad Keith Bradshaw Who I love that show Oh yeah Oh yeah I mean Keith Bradshaw With all those funny columns about going out to brunch with his girlfriends.

40:52That's Carrie Bradshaw, Dad. Keith Bradshaw. Yeah, okay. Well, I don't know who that is. The one that I'm recording the song with? Oh, that Keith. Yeah, that guy. Keith Richards. Christ, Dad. Keith Richards, right? I'm so proud you're working with the Rolling Stones. No, Dad, I'm just some random old dude on a sofa that I'm going to sing along next to. Oh, okay. Well, that's pretty cool, too. So we see this guy. She's singing with him, And she sings, she just like sings some, some lyric. And she's like, willingly attachment, no fear, no doubt, only lonely souls inside and out. I saw her clip. She was singing at Craig and Austin's restaurant.

41:37By the way, is that what it's called? By the way. That's what it's called, right? I don't remember what it's called. And she sounded pretty. She was like singing with the band there. Whatever. Yeah. It was a nice little voice. So she says that her parents have always been her biggest supporters. They've always wanted her to do all the things. And she goes, not to toot my own horn, pun intended if you follow me, but I was good at a lot of stuff. And we see her last week sitting with her parents. And her dad is like, I remember the first time I heard you sing solo and I didn't know who it was that I was playing a euphonium.

42:15Well, that explains a lot. I was like, wow, she's got a deep voice. yeah your daddy turned to me and said who's that singing olivia newton john or something i said it's a trombone too soon also by the way too soon so the olivia newton john that's so the fact that like that was his that was his reference is so cute like who is that who's singing right now is that olivia newton john why is our daughter singing about getting physical yeah my dad's like you have to do more with your singing you know like you could be famous you could be like the next taylor swift so maybe i'll do it yeah it's happening right now so she says that she's gonna try to do an open mic night because she's never done that before and he's like yeah well i remember when you sang in all those high school musicals that you were singing at Andy's wedding and that was amazing and so classic O.N.J.

43:15Am I right? Okay, Dad, I'm not Olivia Newton-John. You can give that up, okay? We're two different people. And she talks about how she's always had performance anxiety and one time she had to do a piano recital when she was eight or nine and she was playing and she forgot where she was and so she freaked out and she stood up and just ran down the aisle of the church and left the night thing.

43:40Which I really like. I used to try and make my parents get nervous in piano recitals because the teacher would be like, Ronnie won't practice. He doesn't know what he's doing. My parents were like, oh, my God, Ronnie's going to be terrible. And my mom was especially worried about being so embarrassed. And then I would get up there and just play the shit out of it. And they're like, oh, my God, when did you learn to do that? I was like, I was practicing, but I didn't want my mom to know just so she'd have a nervous breakdown, you guys. And that was chopsticks.

44:13I chop sticks. So, um, Molly's saying like, uh, Michael saying, Hey Molly, who doesn't get nervous? I mean, I had to go to court like a week after I became a lawyer and I was scared shitless. I didn't know what to do. And Molly's like, yeah, that would have freaked me out, especially cause I'm not even a lawyer. So she says, I think I stood in my own way with a lot of things, but I've gotten myself to a point where I just feel like I'm ready to mentally start facing my fears and doing all the things that bring me joy. So she's going to sing. Yeah. So then we go to Sally's house and she's pulling out ingredients for drinks and stuff.

44:50And Charlie comes over. Oh, it's not drinks. It's a cake. She's making a cake. She's making her, her mom's recipe from scratch and it's grandma's recipe. And it was written on, you know, I don't know, some newspaper or something. And then they photographed it and it's all stained and nasty and so they're making it which is kind of sweet but i mean you could just look up coffee cake just saying it's on google it's grandma's coffee cake oh i guess she does say mom's coffee cake but i thought it was grandma's coffee cake well either way whatever it is she's crying because she says that um passed down it's a generational coffee cake okay they bake this coffee cake every christmas eve which is so you know let's look i I am not Christian, but is coffee cake a traditional thing that you make on Christmas Eve?

45:36Is that something that is known? It's like something you probably give to people. Maybe they can eat it in the morning. I don't know. It's like deck the halls with boughs of holly and some coffee cake. I've never heard of it being a tradition. But, you know, I mean, we had boiled beef at my Meemaw's house and green beans every Christmas Eve. Does that mean I need to have it every year? It does not. I will not do it. Love you, Meemaw. Hope you're up there having a great old time. and I hope you're not boiling beef for Jesus because it sucked, okay? Well, you know what? I guarantee the way this coffee cake came into existence on Christmas Eve was that like this poor grandmother was probably busy and harried and her kids were complaining and like, we want cake, we want cake, it's Christmas Eve.

46:18She's like, fine, you want a cake? You can get a coffee cake because that's all I can make with this time that I have. She just throws a coffee cake on the table and they're like, but we want another cake. We want like a Christmas cake. And they're probably she's probably just like, you know what? I made you a coffee cake and that's what you can get. And that's all you're ever going to get on Christmas Eve. And that just became their tradition. It was like a coffee cake out of rage because she just ran out of time. Yeah. Rage coffee cake. Yeah. So she's like, OK, open these two sticks of butter, OK?

46:47Oh, wait. First, she talks about how her grandma passed away. So that was sad. So they're still going to make it. And so it's two sticks of butter. Oh, imagine if they didn't make it. It's like I would make it, but my grandma's dead. So I'm not making a dead person's coffee cake, but she does make it. And so they're trying to figure it out. And Charlie doesn't know what ounces are. And so that's hard. And so then they're like, how many ounces are in a cup? And so she tries to guess and it takes her three guesses to get it. She gets there. She gets there. She doesn't like her initial guess of 16 was a totally fair guess.

47:21It's eight. It's eight. But the thing is like so many things are 60. Like I think it's, is it at 16 ounces in a pound? I don't know. I feel like that was a Bravo likes to roast their cast members with trivial knowledge. I don't think that ounces in a cup is a fair one. I think that's like very confusing. I think it's totally fair to think it's 16 instead of eight because of the pound situation. So I'm giving Charlie a pass. Okay, that's fair. I didn't really know either. So. Yeah, I feel like Bravo needs to pull their jets a little bit. I mean, the cup's a cup. Yeah, cup's a cup. So, Charlie. Go ahead.

47:57You should be using grams anyway in the scale. Okay, go back to it. Well, yeah, that's what I was going to say. I think that would be more important than learning ounces in cups would be learning how many grams things are. But I don't know. What do I know? So Charlie is like, yeah, even though Sally and I's friendship is new, I feel like we bonded more than sisters. But we've had to navigate a lot of normal friendship. We haven't had to navigate a lot of normal friendship struggles yet until this handsome man came in off the road and asked me to find him a watercolor of a panda or a tiger or a bear.

48:35So this means that they basically don't know each other and they're pretending like they're super great friends. So then Sally's like, hey, do you want to crack this egg? And Charlie's like, sure, it's the entire egg. She's like, yeah, of course it's the entire egg. and I was totally on Charlie's side when she was like, yeah, but you know, some people just cook with yolks. Yes, Sally. I feel like you're a little baker and you're shaming someone for suggesting that you might just use an egg or a white. Yeah. And she's like, well, soon we're going to be able to go back there and get the eggs. She goes, oh, you're going to get chickens?

49:08And she's like, me and Craig. Me and Craig are going to go pick out chickens together. Yeah, this is a weird power move on her part. She's like, I was talking to Craig in the hot tub about life and kind of like we want the farms and stuff and i was like i always wanted chickens it was actually more like i always want chickens which he said was a weird thing to say at that moment but it was true it was from the heart and he was like you could do it and i'm like yeah i'm gonna get fucking chickens yeah sally you're kind of trying a little too hard you everyone saw the scene of craig at the goat place with page talking about getting goats or whatever the fuck that was we know what you're trying to do and the man is not going to marry you when he can get the eggs for free okay yeah southern saying i'd like or very easily easily at this at the supermarket don't ever get chickens for a man telling you that right no just don't do it the chickens are obnoxious annoying they're they're obnoxious enough without remembering the guy that jumped to for Charlie while you, while they bite your meat, you know, don't, don't get chickens.

50:15Don't get chickens for a man. That's like, I think that's always like a really good piece of advice. I think it works in a really good situation. Yeah. And so, um, they put the cake in the oven and then I don't think we ever see it again. You know, Charlie was like, should we put some cinnamon on top? I was like, okay, Charlie, that's okay. You're losing me again now. Um, and it's about, they open up. Valley's like, it's not even the top. That's the bottom. she doesn't even understand bun cakes so they go sit on the couch where the dogs are just both lying there dead and Sally is like oh my god this is the perfect baby and so Charlie's like have you talked to Molly since the party and of course they didn't because I don't think they even would talk to Molly even if there weren't a beef Molly lives in her own parallel universe to this show where she just sort of has scenes and sometimes interacts because like people coincidentally are in a scene with her but i don't really believe she's actually on southern charm yeah she's on something else she's on a different show what she's on like her own little show it's like one of those little pixar movies they show you before an actual full-length movie you know it's just a minute and it's really cute and then after you google like the paperclip thing show me that again and you watch it over and over uh it's like that yeah she just is not on this show so sally is like yeah so uh we see whitner's birthday party and sally's like you've been telling everyone that i've been calling dibs on the guys with who and we see that vanita takes up for sally so then sally now back in the present is like yeah vanita had molly's back a little and i was like oh but i think she's worried i'm gonna date craig i mean i do i think he's attractive and like his personality and if he made a move would i be into it yeah and like sally is saying this she's talking about vanita but what she's really doing is she's warning charlie lay off my man right like that's what she's really doing here yes and charlie is like well and it's working because charlie is like oh her face is like and she says you know i do feel like i'm walking on eggshells with sally because of craig but it's the only thing that sally and i have ever thought about and I don't like it but you've known each other for five minutes so give it time yeah and Charlie says yeah but you know I can tell there's something between Craig and I you know and Charleston is so small if I have to exclude every single guy that one of my friends has a crush on at one point in their lives I'd be done forever you know and so Sally's like well I'm going to continue to do what makes me happy and Charlie's like oh I hope you remember that advice when I do what makes me happy, which is take Craig's circle.

52:54Exactly. It's just so funny that Sally is like offended that Vanita doesn't 100 % have her back when Sally is the one who is, who did it first, basically, to Vanita. Also, more offensively, the scene ends now and we don't even see how the cake turns out. It was like Chekhov's cake, but they didn't do the Chekhov part, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Hello there. This is a two-part recap, okay? This is the end of part one. So thank you so much for listening to this. Just come back a little later for part two. Watch what crappens would like to thank its premium sponsors. Ain't no thing like Alison King. It's always a party on Alison Block.

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