#3134 My Secret Santa Part One With Reality Gays

0:19y 'all get your sleigh bells ready and your creepy prosthetic creepy Santa mask because this is the annual gay crappens with reality gays and watch what crappens with myself Jake Anthony Ben Hugh Mandacler I never say your name right okay and Ronnie Karam y 'all this is what you've been waiting for we are talking about Netflix's My Secret Santa. And it's no secret because it's number one on Netflix. It's the number one movie on Netflix. Although, how real are those rankings? I don't even know. There's no proof. There's no Nielsen family. I don't believe what they say. I think it's a shadowy company.

1:12Although I love them. I love you, Netflix. Just you're shadowy. Netflix can go fuck itself because they're charging me even more money to watch your damn channel and this is what they're going to give me. They sponsored us this year so I wouldn't. Well, they love you. I still hate your asses. Give us some more money. I'm still paying you. Especially Quit Game The Challenge which was very exciting this season. This is our second Netflix holiday movie in a row but that doesn't mean it's gotten any better although I do think that My Secret Santa I think of the terrible Christmas movies we've watched over the past five years or so, this one may have been one of the best I think in terms of like storyline.

2:01It's like a stupid ass movie but like there were a lot of characters and they all got like a small arc and like it was sort of like they tied up all the loose ends in a way that like other movies have kind of failed to. Of course, I think our low benchmark or low watermark or low whatever I think is what the very diva Christmas whatever that one was. Oh. Ladies of the 80s. Ladies of the 80s. Ladies of the 80s. That was such a ridiculous fever dream that didn't seem to have any reason to be there besides those women getting a check. Right. That's a reason. Shit, I don't care. I'll give her money.

2:43I think the four of us when we're podcasting in 20 years. I think we still follow Donna Mills. We know in 40 years we're going to make a fucking podcast Christmas movie and sell on fucking Patreon with us four queens just going about home screens. And chat GPT and write the script. But I will say that in this movie's, I guess, for lack of a better word, adept. For its quality Adeptitude For its quality It was also one of my least favorites That we watched It is probably my least favorite Yeah because it had kind of like A bland Okayness to it As opposed to the glaring plot holes Of a hot frosty Or the The one where The minty village where The pioneer woman lived The Mint Village.

3:40Yes, Mint Village. Which erased people's memories when you went into it. Because that's the way you would know there's not an outside world. What was the Food Network lady's name who worked at the - Reed Drummond. Reed Drummond. Reed Drummond, yeah. She stared at you and you drank the hot chocolate and then you abandoned all of your earthly delights that you wanted to do. Yeah, yeah. Remember, remember, Hey, what's cancer?

4:14Sometimes still think about that. I think I'm going, Hey, what's cancer? I never laughed out loud at this movie. It felt honestly, it felt a little joyless to me. You know, I laughed out loud in the bad dialogue. there was some bad dialogue some of the worst dialogue that I've ever heard a non-human person say most of it came from the father who was I don't know where they found him there were definitely some choices in this movie it definitely still was a bad movie there were definitely choices that were made that were really bad but they weren't as glaringly terrible I wanted it to be so much more worse than it was I also remember in that Minty, it was the Food Network holiday movie that we're talking about.

5:06In that Food Network holiday movie, that this woman, she was a lady from the city. She was a career woman who's coming back home to this tiny town. And she goes to this house that this new family is living in. And she rings on the doorbell and she's like, hi, are your parents here? And she goes, no, unfortunately they died in a car wreck two years ago. I wanted moments like that. I agree. Someone wrote that. What you were mentioning, Ben, is everyone was kind of playing the middle because they had Alexandra Breckenridge, who's done really serious stuff. Lucille Balls, she ain't.

5:47Lucille Balls. Who's a newer comedic actress instead of someone who's in the 70s? would know. Stelgetty. Stelgetty. Or like someone who does physical comedy well. You needed a female Robin Williams. And she didn't have it. Even though she's done a lot of series. I remember her from Dirt. Remember the epic show Dirt? I love that show. I didn't remember her from that. She was like the ingenue of the show. And Courtney Cox was like the bitchy boss. I remember Courtney. This movie would have been way funnier with Kate McKinnon. As Santa. You know, he's a fizzle comedy. But it doesn't work. The problem is...

6:34You know who you should have played it? Meryl Streep. They should have. Is Kristen Wiigworth... Is Glenn Close busy? I mean... What you said, Maddie, makes sense. But the problem is you have to have a heroine ingenue playing this. And a budget. And a budget. And a budget. But the other thing is you had to get... So it doesn't really work. Someone like Alexandra Breckenridge does not play a comedic Santa. So that's why it was never really going to be funny. Well, Santa's not funny either. You know what I mean? Like, I'm going to play Santa, and then they have you playing Santa. It's like, ho, ho, ho, what do you want for Christmas?

7:08Like, you need more, you know? At one point, did you hear him go, or she, go, ho, ho, ho, jingle bells? Like, every single time. Like, when everyone would see her, oh, that's right, I'm Santa. Ho, ho, ho, jingle bells, Rudolph. Oh, yeah. You know what, I had no idea Who Alexandra Breckenridge was I sort of like vaguely recognized the name But I really have not followed her career Or anything This movie I only knew her from Dirt, but she's in this Like Sad River or Mystic River Or Spirit River Is she in Suicide River? You know what, this Linny and Sean Penn were in this Now we've got a movie I said Sad River Well, because it's the same thing It's like Virgin River Suicide Suicides It was a show on Netflix There was like five seasons No one watched it I think people did People who were in hospitals watched it Let me tell you something First of all, one thing I noticed Is that Alexandra Breckenridge And the woman who played her daughter Who did not look like she's seen I'd like to add I didn't know what her real age is I have a lot of age issues in the entire movie Of course she's 23.

8:20She's listed as 23, but I think we all know she's about 32. Madison McIsaac. The two of them would do a lot of they would do a lot of eyebrow-lifted smirking at each other, but they'd turn their head to the side and they'd go, hmm? I know for people listening on the podcast, it's going to be very hard to describe, but they had a lot of these moments where they were almost in an herbal tea commercial, like, oh, really? Sleepy time. Yeah Like that's what they would do every scene They're like mom I didn't know you were in a band Me in a band Yes you mom I was like okay you two We also need to talk about the fact that the mother Has kept her daughter Completely in the dark of her entire life Of what happened before the daughter was born We still don't really know it I think that mothers should do that I mean mothers and fathers should do that My mom doesn't tell me shit I don't blame her I wish my mother would have done that When my parents got divorced Instead of telling me everything Yeah, I think that parents deserve silence The kid does not need to be baggage With your baggage from the past I know you got pregnant in the back of the rack Where they racked the fucking pins At the bowling alley Do I even know that?

9:37I don't I had to get drunk one night and just opened up I don't need you to open up You're my mother besides you want to have like a little bit of a twist later on like i um i had this aunt ruth who was really my mom's aunt but she you know like what do you call you don't call them grand so aunt ruth great she was this lovely lovely lovely sort of baddie older lady and every time every time it was the holidays you don't see her at russia shan on passover she was always very flummoxed about david dinkins she's like did you see what dinkins did today and she was like i only eat potatoes because of sodium i only eat potatoes is aunt ruth that was her whole thing she was I love Dan Ruth.

10:15She always sent a card. She was so lovely. Now that's a name. She's always like Larry, because my dad's Larry. She's like, Larry, did you see what Dinkins did today? Larry. So she died and we're going through her things and it's like one photo after another of her with Sammy Davis Jr. or her with Jerry Lewis. She was fleeing the Rat Pack. I was like, what? Dan Ruth? She was in there. He's smoking stogie and Sinatra's just tweaking her boob. Like some old vintage David Dinkins porn. I haven't thought of David Dinkins in years. Sometimes it's nicer with whole things. You get a surprise for the family later.

10:57You really need to write a movie where gay nephew goes back and looks through his old aunt roof and you find out that Sammy Davis Jr. is your grandfather. You've got a glass eye in there. Yes. This was such a good find. Before we get started, I know we already have gotten started. I just want to tell people this is kind of about a Christmas movie, but not really. We're just four friends who like to hang out, and it gets really dirty, and we talk forever. So if you're here just for the Christmas movie, go somewhere else. Is anybody really here for the Christmas movie? I don't know. I don't know.

11:30And I guess we should do some housekeeping, which is that this is a crossover event. Yes. So if you know who we are, you may not know who they are. they're the reality gays and if you know who they are you may not know who we are and we are watch our crappins we're two podcasts coming together be sure to follow us on instagram at reality gays or is it the reality gays at reality gays you guys have an instagram we are reality gays podcast yeah we're podcast reality gays podcast huge huge big one and be sure to subscribe you can find you where I want to hear it okay you can find the reality gaze at reality gaze podcast and you can find us at watch what crap ends be sure to follow both of our podcasts if you don't do it already and with that in mind i think we have to dive into this i want to say one more i want to say one more thing i know i have one more thing before you're one more thing no i have one more no i have one more thing ben um uh i am exfoliating my lips today so if anybody is wondering why i keep wiping my mouth and then putting on lip stuff, I'm trying to get very smooth lips while we do this.

12:41Okay, Ben, please. Oh, wait, one more thing. I'm working on my posture. So if you see me slumping, and I'm also trying to work on my resting bitch face. I pulled, I looked, so I have a teleprompter. So when I look up, I have this sort of strange angle. And I noticed that when I'm trying to have a pleasant look on my face, but sometimes when I'm reading the notes, I forget about my face and I scowl at the camera. And I'm in a very good mood. The scowl betrays my emotional state. That's why I get Botox, so I don't scowl. I can't. I was going to say, look at me mad right now. This is what my face looks like.

13:15Wait, wait, here. This is what my face looks like when I'm not paying attention. Yeah. A little bit of saliva just coming down. You're about to complain about the weather. Yeah, it's very scary. Sorry for people who are just listening who have no idea what's happening with my face, and maybe you're lucky. I want to say something. We've talked about Alexandra Breckenridge. Oh, wait, no, I have one more thing before we talk about this. But I want to do it before you're one thing. Go ahead. Go ahead. I do. I just want to say for our listeners, because every once in a while, listeners come to us, and if you don't know Ben and Ronnie, you say, why don't you cover Housewives?

13:50Because no one does it better than you two. And that's so if you're Housewives. Like, they're historic. Yeah, so if you're a Bravo-holic, then Ben and Ronnie need your show. literally for the for for the for reality tv programming and podcasting yeah you were you were doing this show like lisa rena was like four faces ago yeah before cooking the bathroom girl yeah yeah well yeah for both of our audiences you guys are the you guys are specialized in 90 day fiance we specialize in bravo so if you know did y 'all do secret lives of mormon wives too i think you did it one at the first right and we did not do the second because we were really busy And we considered doing this one.

14:32And God, I'm so glad we didn't because I watched the whole thing. I just finished it. I loved it. But God, what a dark, dark season. It covered every single thing. Did you guys get in trouble? Like just even having the discussions. I'm like, I don't know that two men need to be weighing in on some of this. It was really tricky. And we deferred a lot to when we had co-hosts on who were women. but luckily Demi made herself so ridiculously awful it did all the work for us yeah she really did oh and her husband Brent they were calling him old man Brett that was so funny the guy used to fuck Angie and also the good thing about that is Angie his ex-wife was on Housewives for a minute she blew up her life too but she was on Housewives for a minute and she has a really messy current husband who fucked up her time on Housewives by getting too involved in all of this shit.

15:30And he started all of these fake accounts against the women and were coming after the women online under fake names and stuff. And so I love that he had two messy men right in a row. Brett, with his new work, he looked like Ron Perlman from Beauty and the Beast. He's lived in the sewers and Linda Hamilton was like, I love you know he's disfigured. Kind of like cat face. it's a it's a it's an everlasting romance okay so that was my one thing we can start thank you um well we talked about we've shot we've shown a light on alexandra breckendritch we've shown a light on um well she's walking dead she's in walking dead and she wasn't walking dead yeah i don't remember her and i watched most of walking oh because she had red hair maybe that's also you know what's great is the walking dead is also i think the note they gave everyone for their acting choices this episode.

16:25It went out for this movie. They're like, yes, one. I think definitely. But what I was going to say, though, is that I think the real I think what I've been really trying to say for the past 24 hours, ever since I saw this movie, that's been on my mind. The headline here, Diana Maria Riva, what a breakout star. Where have you been? Where have you been? Diana Maria why is she not why is she not like in every movie she was wonderful why was she not like in Real Women Have Curbs or some new like she was dialed in she was giving a comedic performance that was nuanced and layered I mean every time she came on screen I was so happy she was so good I did laugh at her.

17:19She had a whole arc. Yeah, she did. She did? She was wonderful. She just was lonely at the end of the day. Just a lonely slut. Well, but it's also, of course, we're going to love her. It's like we've got three lonely whores here. That's true. There's like literally three of us on this show right now. We are the landlord down the hall who's going to try and fuck your dad. It's true. Ben is the only person on this podcast that still believes in love. Not just your dad. Your grandfather. I'll fuck them all. It's time for a commercial It's time for a Crappens commercial

17:56Have y 'all ever been, and it's okay, this is a safe space for some gay men Have y 'all ever had any type of Santa or bearded man fetish? I think Santa versus bearded man fetish is very different

18:15Oh white When I worked at the gay bookstore We had these dirty cards That was like furly Santa But like some were like Kind of like Tom of Finland Santa That's different That's okay But then there's the ones like Straight up Santa with a big dick It was always just weird No I've never had that finish I've always been taught to be very wary of older men offering me things. I never learned that. Yeah, they come down the chimney. Yeah, but I do have a fetish of somebody being attracted to me. Because, you know, I'm 50 and I come in and out of Santa. I mean, if it weren't for weight loss drugs, I'd be fully in the Santa camp.

19:00Got it. So you want to be the Santa in that. I mean, not in a creepy kid way. But I hope that somebody with a Santa fetish, I mean, I could use those people. So if you know anybody, like you have a 28 year old with a tight ass who's into Santa. Yeah, exactly. Like, so if you know anybody with that fetish, I'm not against them. But yeah, I've never really had a Santa because you know what? I really don't like beards and I don't, I really hate white beards because I feel like it's just rude to everybody around you because you get shit in them. You get every time you drink a coffee, your little beard gets pained.

19:33It's like a dog, you know, it's like a dog, a white dog. And you can tell that they've been eating shit outside because it's all over their mouth. I do have to say, when white dogs have stains all over them, I do say, can't you clean your dog? Like Maltese's, I'm like, someone clean your dog's eyes. It bothers me. Oh, the eye boogers on dogs. Like the eye booger stack on the dog. This color. It really is just so wrong. They have medicine. We've gone off the rails. You can take. Not dog's eyes. No, my dad, I remember when I was in Oklahoma taking care of my dad because he had two Maltese's, Emmy and, well, first of all, Tila and then Emmy, but Tila died.

20:09Tila and M.D. No He-Man. That's just the name of the dog. Yeah, I know. You didn't have much going for that. I mean, you named him Tila. No, we didn't. That's right. His name's Tila. We were sitting in the hospital at M.D. Anderson. He was doing like some type of treatment, and he was sitting there. And I'm just like, you know, in the hospital as well and looking on my phone. And my dad goes, Matthew? I said, yeah, Pop. go on there and look up and see what that stuff is called that you give them all teases so they don't get tears in their eyes and i said what are you talking about i thought my dad was crazy and there's this thing i think it's called like no more tears and it's like they stop the dogs from getting eye boogers oh wow i have to say that i think you may have just given a monologue that would count as character development on any one of these christmas movies It's like, why don't you celebrate Christmas anymore?

21:04The last time I saw my dad, we were sitting in the hospital room and he said, look up that medicine that takes the tears out of a dog's eyes. And I did. I did. I just haven't been able to celebrate ever since. That would have helped actually when they said, why don't you want to date? Well, I don't know. I'm just kind of sworn off guys. Okay. So you're like mid thirties, maybe forties. I have a problem with the age, all ages. Like she got pregnant in high school. then there's this daughter how old are you what what when when there are some inconsistencies with some of these characters backstories uh and the last piece of the last performance i really want to highlight because obviously diana was the standout for me she did excellent work but also like let's not overlook tia of the and tamera fame she really like somehow she like didn't really have to do much she barely had any lines but like some of those scenes where she's at home alone drinking a glass of wine staring at a computer with like kind of rage in her eyes I was like, I've met this girl before.

22:03Like, I've worked with her. I've been with a girl before. I mean, I really related to the moments where she was trying to Google things, but couldn't figure out the right terms to get the information. Boy. Because, I mean, there were so many scenes of her Googling, and she just couldn't figure anything out. And I was like, that is so me. Like, I can't use AI. You know, a lot of people love it. I don't even know what to ask it. I just get flummoxed, you know? But talk about a character who had no want at all. just blind ambition that's what they gave her and she's actually a physical comedian the characters who had no wants at all were the 30 people who showed up for this strange Christmas concert that the hotel was throwing don't forget they heckled they heckled everyone as well yeah there was a heckler there was like a Joe Rogan heckler over there also just a town that is so into Santa.

22:58I just thought that was so funny. Santa's a celebrity. They're like, oh my god, Santa's going viral. The hotel Santa's going viral. Oh my god, a really good Santa experience. Everyone's going to see that Santa. We have stars on Yelp. They get a review. The local paper reviews the Santa at the hotel. That's great. Did you think, Ben, you're Jewish, and so growing up, did you think it was weird that children went and sat on a stranger's lap? I don't think you, no, no. It's just sort of like part of like the Christmas lore. Just something Christians do, you know? I hated it. I screamed and fought.

23:36I did not want to sit on an old man's lap. Yeah. And now I would do it for a good$5 ,000. I did it. I just demanded a 20 on the spot. I was like, you're not going to promise me some presents later. Money first, bitch. I want it now. Well, should we dive into this movie? Yeah. Sorry, let's talk about who is in this. We've talked about who's in it. Who's made this movie is what I want to know. Because I wrote down the name Howard Bronstein and son. Okay, so I Googled that. And the first thing that came up is a man and his son were found guilty on multiple charges. It looks like wire fraud for a signature signing a forgiveness application on a second PPP loan.

24:22So do you think that was them? This whole movie was just a tax shelter. Queens. They could get out of it. I think that's what it was. So then I looked up his real IMDb and I see some stuff here. 2023, The Girl Who Escaped, the Kara Robbins thing. Something called The Informant, The Brooke Ellison Story. The Girl Who Escaped. The Girl Who Escaped. Oh my God, Sinners. I love the title that's just on the screen. No, not actual. This person did not make Sinners. Ben, I've got a present for you. What's that? movie last year was called Hanukkah on the Rocks. I think my friend wrote that, actually. Hanukkah on the Rocks.

25:04My friend, she writes these movies. Oh my gosh. I think she wrote a Hanukkah. Oh no, she wrote one about the Kansas City piece last year. That's 100 % her. That's 100 % her. Yeah, she did. She wrote it. Because she's Jewish, so she gets some of the Jewish holidays in there. a little Yiddish in there. Julie's wonderful. She's so great. She's one of the first people I've met out here in LA. She lives in Connecticut now. She found her lane and she just does these movies. She used to write on Everybody Loves Raymond. I mean, she's a real blessing. And that's why I'm like, we'll never do any one of her movies because I don't want to ever have to tear apart one of her movies because I know her.

25:48I'm happy that she's doing well with this. I think there's a formula though. I think you can do the formulas really smartly Like I still say that Lindsay Lohan movie The first one we ever did Was probably the most successful Because at least it kind of knew what it was And it wasn't And it was really digging into that Speaking of I just wanted to say That movie was written by Ron Oliver Who also co-wrote this movie Okay Well there you go Now we understand why this one was so good And also someone named Carly Smales Which, again, sounds like a Sounds fake Sounds like someone of Norwegian descent Smales That's a fail of a parent Because that name never is going to sound adult Carly Smales At your service No, you're never going to sound like a 40-year-old woman With that name I'd like to introduce you to my daughter Pookie Snooki Tinkertown

26:52Now Squire actually my my favorite credit that I saw in the opening credits of this movie was in the middle of all these names and I have to say the line producer really stood out to me I remember when their name showed up I was like excuse me their name was Gilles Gilles Gilles LaPlante I was like what? Continental I'm doing the name I'm going to make a movie I only ask one thing of you Please don't forget to water me This whole thing is very Canadian It stinks of Canada Like the whole movie does It stinks of Canada Not in a bad way Like maple syrup It's got Canada all over it Be nice to Canada We're all going to be asking for citizenship soon Don't have Caitlin Stop doing our social media It was filmed in Kill Map or something like that.

27:53One of our listeners who's from there. They love getting lost there. They're like, it's Kill Map for a reason. This was British Columbia and Sun Peak. I think there is a place called Sun Peak that they filmed this in. So I have two observations. First of all, yes, they were clearly filming on location because that was not CGI breath. And this movie, the entire movie, anytime they went outside, they were full on. They were totally just cold. This was freezing. Didn't it make you guys think, oh my God, like if ever I have breath that is questionable that I know, like I've just had coffee or whatever, I'm like, well, just not, you know, talk right in someone's face.

28:28Like to see how breath travels that far out of you and into someone's face, it was just, I don't want to talk anymore around. I don't want to ever speak in public again after seeing everything coming out of these people's mouths. They should have just called this my secret COVID. Yeah. It was Arctic. By the way, before I, one more thing before we have to get into this. When the title is called My Secret Santa, and every time I see the phrase, my secret something, I think of when I was looking in my mother's drawers in her room, and there was a book called My Secret Garden. And it was this book of erotica.

29:09And I, of course, erotica for women by Nancy Friday. and I obsessively read it when I was a child. I'll bet you did. That is the creepiest story I've ever heard. I can see you standing there touching yourself at your mother's drawer. Reading a book out of my mother's probably sock drawer. Oh, my secret garden. She's like, wait a minute, why are these socks laid out differently in here? Wow. He touched his throbbing memba. It's all like story. I want to read it. It's peak 1980s ladies erotica. And it's like stories. Nancy Friday. It's the big Nancy Friday. It's the sexiest name you can have. Friday.

29:53Now that's a lot better than Carly Schnail. Schnails. Now, Jake has a connection to, well, Tia or Tamara. We're not sure, but Jake does have a connection to one of them. I had my birthday party once at Boardwalk 11, this karaoke bar in kind of Palms, West LA-ish. It's Palms Motor National. Yeah. You know the motor which goes like every direction of the compass? It's like west, then you're north, then you're like, how is this still going? It's like National Boulevard. Yeah. West LA is weird. Well, Culver City specifically is just a disaster. Yeah. So I had my birthday, and of course, as you do, you drink some, and you may drink to excess.

30:38And Tia or Tamara I'm really not sure I think it was Tamara Mori She's the one who's loony these days? You don't know, you have no idea Don't even act like you know I don't think that she has, I don't think so I thought one of them went loony No, I don't think so One of them was on The Masked Singer The girl from Saved by the Bell Oh, maybe Amanda Bynes No, Lisa Voorhees Lark Voorhees Lark Voorhees, yeah, sorry we got it Cameron Manheim When in doubt, the answer is Cameron Manheim or Park Overall Remember, we have dropped Park Overall, our listeners have been telling us, we made a Park Overall reference, you guys made it literally the next day.

31:24Really? Oh yeah, she's always online. She's like a Willie Nelson. That's what Jake, yeah Wait, so what happened, so one of the sister's sisters was at your birthday party? We were, no, kind of. Okay. I'm going to finish telling this story. No, no, no. This is kind of. She was there with like a competing birthday party, I think. A twin birthday party, if you will. Exactly. I saw her and I was like, oh my God, that's one of the Maoris. This is when Jake just moved to LA. I've been here maybe two months. No, I've been here like six months. He was still a big star fucker and got really enamored by any celebrity.

32:04But it's that level of stars. It's like Tia and Tamara. All the big ones I would see, I wouldn't even talk to them. But I would get really excited by like – By like a Diana Maria Riva. Yes. Or like the whole time in this karaoke bar, he's getting drunker and he can't stop obsessing watching what Tia or Tamara is doing. And I say – do you remember Twitches? their movie where there were teen witches, but it was called Twitches. And everybody was like, no, because we're not gay. We didn't watch that. And so finally, she was by the end of the night, and I just, I was staggering out of the bar. And so was she.

32:43And I finally was in a crosswalk. She was not drunk because I was not drunk. And I remember walking right beside you. I'm going to continue this story. I don't remember it that way. And I screamed, Twitch! Twitch! You did scream drunkenly, twitch at her. And she turned around with fear in her eyes while Jake ran up to her. She said, wait, what's me? In the middle of the crosswalk, held her by her shoulders and said, I love your work. I told her I loved her work. What'd she say? I screamed, twitch at her. She said, thank you so much. Thank you. And her hot boyfriend, whatever, immediately grabbed her arm and drug her away.

33:24Oh. Wow. It's a good thing her brother Taj Murray wasn't there. He's hot now. Anyway, now we can start. Now we can start. It's only 35 minutes in. It's pretty good. Well, that's great context. That's great context to power us into this feature film. You know, one thing about this movie is a Kelly Clarkson song. I was going to say, this is how you can tell it's a Netflix Christmas movie because the opening music is actually a licensed Kelly Clarkson, Ariana Grande duet and Hallmark's not paying for that. And definitely Food Network is not. Food Network just is going to have Paula Deen grunting into a wooden spoon on that voice memo under it.

34:04And dress up in those suits. Yeah, and not paying her because she's had controversy. They're like, you took a pay cut, remember? Just do it, Paula. Just do it. Keep the sleigh rods, blah, blah. How many times I gotta say sorry? So Who's singing the duet in this? It's Kelly Clarkson and Ariana Grande It's Ariana Grande It is because I Shazam'd it I Shazam'd it, I was like this is sort of good And I was like It sounds like a fake Christmas song But it's actually, the problem is There was like After, with Mariah Carey's Ubiquitous song Everyone tries to make that song again never heard of it it's the same exact I'm going to get music heard for you really quickly it's the same exact harmonic progression as all I want to they all are they're all the same it's so frustrating this one is called Santa can't you hear me which is a bit needy I think of these two ladies can't you hear me Santa is in heaven and you don't belt but I do like that I do love that song Santa Baby that's a great Ariana Grande song it's also kind of sexual you know what song I also like?

35:28yeah I wish I had that one you know which one I like that's very similar instead of not Santa Baby I'm also into Baby Baby you know Amy Grant oh yeah she's never a bad time for of Shun. El Shaddai. El Shaddai. See, okay, look, it is so weird. He was raised Catholic, but he knows all these contemporary Christian songs because all his friends were like big evangelicals. No, all my girlfriends. I thought you were a Christian Christian. I didn't know you were a Catholic Christian. Oh, I was raised Catholic. I thought about becoming a priest, and then two months later, I fucked my RA. Wow. That had a rough ending.

36:10You know, it did, literally I didn't know what lube was then It was rough Oh god Meanwhile

36:21Sorry, where do we go from there? She's not So her job I can't even get to her job yet Please, please So we have this Song that's playing It's definitely Netflix signaling and we're seeing a sort of generic small town, winter, everything. And as the credits roll, there's this shimmering Tinkerbell effect that swirls around everywhere. Before Howard Bronstie's name shows up, it's like, tinkle, tinkle, tinkle. So there's sort of like the suggestion that there is going to be some sort of magic in this movie. And I just want to say right now, there's no magic. Nothing magical happens. You guys, this was directed by somebody named Mike Roll, and he is directed When Calls the Heart, Falling Together.

37:19Lots of huge ones. My favorite title on here is from 2023, and it's called Married by Mistake.

37:29Been there! I loved... Actually, you know what's also fun? He also directed Tar, so this is a real Great show of Versatility And range

37:48Lesbian Intensity in this film That was beautiful That was a good movie I was kind of on her side Until I was like I just couldn't see that anymore I was like Surely she's innocent She wasn't Spoiler alert Okay so Now to go to A cookie company Called the Klotz Cookie company Who's buying Who's buying something from somebody named Klotz? I'm not buying food products from you. I'm trying to keep my heart going. But the Klotz Cookie Company, these are the most basic-ass Christmas cookies I've ever seen. They're terrible. I know. So a couple of questions about the business model here. Do they do cookies all year round?

38:27Or is this some type of seasonal business? I think it was a seasonal and regional business. Yeah. So we're talking this place operates Maybe three to four months a year What do they make? Like Bialis? What do they make the rest of the time? Klotz I mean it's seasonal and regional It's a pop-up basically And we meet our Klotz It does sound like a Jewish bakery I know it's like There is that San Francisco ice cream sandwich What's it called? Utz? Utz? It's it There is also, it's Utz is the one who makes an Itz. Wait, Utz is the potato chip, right? Utz is the potato chip, you're right. The point is there is a story tradition of delicious snacks that end with like TZ.

39:16And that's why we have Klotz Cookie Company. Klotz. Yeah, I agree. They have to work on their branding because Klotz just does not sound good. And by the way, I would also like to say, I was pretty invested in this Klotz Cookie Company from the beginning and we never see it again. Like this is the beginning and end of Klotz Cookie Company. I would have preferred the story of Klotz cookie company. And I also really liked her because she was really killing the game. Commercials. Here comes one right now.

39:46So we meet our lead actress who, listen, I know... Taylor. This is not... Taylor. We're talking about how much budget you guys have. You could afford Ariana Grande. You could not afford somebody to do this poor girl's roots. I mean, the girl's on a Christmas movie on Netflix, so TVs are bigger now. I think that was intentional. No, it was not. It made her look poor. I think it was because she used to be in a band. And so there's sort of like a grungy 90s look. What an edge to her. Because they were still kind of blonde. They weren't like rude. Unwashed hair. If they had said we want her to look poor and have roots, that would have been one thing.

40:20It would have been visible in a way that you got it for the character. This was just like they didn't send her in. I felt for her. I definitely noticed that as well. I was like, this hair is doing something. but I just sort of assumed it was part of her post-grunge persona. But she doesn't, the thing is she doesn't have, it seems like she was a punk singer, but there's nothing about her that feels punk at all. Nothing, yeah. Nothing, nothing. And like if she, like, well, she, okay, her kid is 15. Also, what's funny is that like - Okay, I have a lot of questions about age here. Yeah, her kid is 15.

41:00The child is 15. I've learned not to ask. I just roll with whatever you tell me. I'm like, I'm happy girl. She gave up her pop punk career when her child was born. It was 15 years ago. So that means that she was in a band around 2010. So I'm like, I'm trying to like figure out what kind of, was she in the Veronica's? Like where, what kind of band was she in in 2010? The illustration that they had, it looked like something from earlier. It looked like it was from 1994, which would actually make her closer to being like 55 years old. Thank you. That's what I'm saying. Something was, and when he said, that's you on the court, I'm like, it's an illustration.

41:45Someone drew her. You can't tell that's her. Just from looking at her. Linda Perry is 60 years old. And, you know, of course, from Four Non Blondes. Yes. So like, that's kind of like the vibe they're giving. And the way, when we, when we meet this guy, the way he talks about her, he's like, I look on you. Like, this was like a change of my life. I was like, sir, you were like 36 years old when her band was out. That was a thing. Like he was like a predator or something like going to, cause she was only like a local band and he was just like following around this high school band or something. It was weird.

42:20I mean, he's no Aaron O 'Connell. But now. He really is. But I think he's a better actor. Because he's been in tons of stuff, y 'all. I thought he was the best actor of the thing. Besides. Thank you, Diana. You know what I didn't believe? His hair. I never loved this actor. I didn't believe his rug. That rug was disturbing. It was a disturbing rug. It's been on and off. He's been around. He was on The Blacklist. Is that the show? Yeah. The Blacklist, New Amsterdam. He's been. I had a lot of bronzer on at first. I used to think he was so hot. And I will say, when he was in that towel, I enjoyed it.

43:01He's hot, but he's very actory. He's just too smarmy. But he is very cute. There's a lot of character things we should talk about with him. But we'll get there. We'll get there. Right now, we're concentrating on this. There's a lady who was in a punk band in 1992. And now she's 30-something. And it's 50 years later. and somehow she's in a cookie company. And also - She's quality control. Yes. In a small cookie company. For people listening, by the way, we're only on the fourth sentence that I wrote. Oh, I love this. So just buckle up. I've already got 10 pages into this. So we're with her. She was a punk girl, but now she's like a cookie Karen and she's the manager who walks around.

43:48She's like, that cookie is not good enough. That Santa looks like shit. Yeah, I was like, whoa, I'm supposed to root for Cookie Karen? No. Also, she has standards. And she's like, we're not putting out a shitty looking Santa Claus. That Santa was fine. That Santa was a good looking Santa. That's the problem, Ronnie. It was fine. It wasn't spectacular. Well, the issue is we're telegraphing this Santa thing. Like, this Santa should be good. We're telegraphing the fact that she knows about Santas. Yes. Yeah, well, what happens is, so right now what we are establishing is that this character is ornery and is persnickety.

44:28Difficult. And is very detail-oriented to a fault and has no joy and doesn't understand life. And that's why we will see her acting this way for the rest of the movie. Just kidding. I know. Just kidding. None of that. I know. They were like, okay, here's our lead character. she just called the police on a minority in the neighborhood for no reason you're like okay i guess we're gonna watch a karen christmas and then after she's like totally nice i didn't get it i thought they were gonna change her character like christmas it was like mrs scrooge or something like vanessa williams when she learns the yeah that's a good yeah i think that they try to later on jumping ahead like i think they try to show that like she's a joyless person and she can't even enjoy like whimsical things whatever but like what i got from it was like this is someone who's actually like scrutinizes things very carefully and she's like a difficult manager but i'm like also she doesn't seem to be able to hold a job and also since she can't hold a job and she's taking all these odd jobs how did she wind up in a management position at this because you don't just you have to be an experienced baker to be a manager of a bakery so i thought so we're just abandoning probably the years of baking school and like working at bakeries for years and just going, fuck it.

45:44Yeah. And also, she dropped out of college, so there's no degree. And... Who's cooking? Okay. Everyone has to go to college, Jake. Wow. No, I'm saying... Unfortunately, it looks like her dreams of being a Northwestern grad have done that. Sorry, can't be our cookie manager. Wow. Can't be cookie quality control. Can't recognize a lazy eye on a Santa. and go to college. Wow, I guess... You know, last time I checked, all those other Stanford graduates were doing pretty well with their cookies. It's... But the issue here is she's, like, lecturing her employees. They're not really her employees. It seems like she's somehow above them.

46:34Yes. And her job is to go behind every other baker and check their work. I think it's okay. I mean, I think that if you're doing it at the Klotz company, you need to have quality control. And the implication is that this is something that she has expertise in, that she's worked her way to this position, and she's very demanding, and she's had to make a lot of sacrifices along the way, which is what has, you know, usually in the world of these movies, that's why she has a cold, hard heart, that she can't find joy at Christmas time because she had to work so hard to get to this position. But it turns out what the implication is later on is that she just somehow got this position.

47:12And she got it and was like, I'm going to take it very seriously and I'm going to be a bitch to everyone who's frosting cookies right now. But it has nothing to do with how I am at home. Yeah, and she's also, like, I get, and they did play this off in the movie that she's just severely depressed and stuff, but she's, like, projecting a lot of her own shit onto the cookies because she's like, this Santa's not good enough. I mean, he's clearly depressed. It's like, okay, you know, like, don't put this on the Santa. Like, I don't need to eat your failure, you know? Just ice the cookie and send it out.

47:42Can we talk about the fact that there are multiple Christmas trees in this kitchen? There's a Christmas tree over here. There's one over here. And there's decorations everywhere. There's something about beginnings. Is that up to code? It seems to be a sanitation issue. I would think so. But I feel like they're trying in the first 10 minutes of a movie, a Christmas movie, they try to show there's so much decoration. There's so much reminder. It's fucking Christmas, everybody. To make sure we know that. Because you forget, yeah. They're also like, and they're also, so this, the supervisor comes over and he's like, excuse me, Miss Jacobson, can I, can I speak with you, please?

48:26Okay, so he pulls her, he pulls her over and he's basically like, look, unfortunately, like, cookie demand is at an all-time low. That's my favorite sentence of dialogue. It'll be yes. Too many people are making cookies at home. I'm like, no, your cookies are shit, actually. That's what this means. Yeah, or how about tariffs? Do you think the fact that people would stop buying Portos if people started making cookies at home because Portis is fucking good. I think we all know this was just an excuse. This was an excuse for the supervisor to fire Taylor because they're like, she's miserable. She's seeing things in these cookies that do not exist, rejecting her own issues from her failed crappy band, and we don't like her around anymore.

49:20She was trying to have several of her and she said no. This was like the retaliation. That's life. That's life right there. It is, and I didn't like him at all. and she got like zero justice. She didn't do anything wrong. He's like, hey, guess what? The cookie economy has changed now. Take it. Okay. And if you don't like it, thanks, Obama. Okay. Say it on your way out. You dumb slut. Like this guy, I didn't believe him. This guy was a harasser if I've ever seen one. And I'll die. If this is so seasonal, there's no other time, honey. You had to go. And yeah, I... Yeah, that was that seemed like not a smart time to fire someone.

50:00Now they have a bunch of lumpy ass lopsided sad Santas going out there. Fire the Frosters, by the way. You're making cuts. Fire the Frosters because you don't fire management first and then just have the Frosters. That's a great point. If you want to ruin someone's Christmas, go for the lowest level position. Just a quick question. This is more about how the stakes are just the flimsiest stakes in the world for a movie because she loses her job. Just something to remember later. And this whole thing is going to be about snowboarding later. And she also can't find a job, which is funny because the original name of this movie is The Town with No Door Dash.

50:48So she wasn't able to find a position, unfortunately. The Town that Door Dash forgot. The Town that dreaded Door Dash. So I assumed that this, initially I assumed, okay, it's going to be about like this cookie company is like a family cookie company. They got to save the cookie company. And it has nothing to do with this cookie company. This is the one thing that never really they come back to. Just Klotz's cookies. They don't even reference them. They're not like we just got some Klotz's cookies. It's not like she doesn't go and make a delivery of cookies back to them to help them out to save the company.

51:21Like it's nothing. Like that's just, it's just, she needed to have a job and she needed to lose her job. She needs to be in financial straits. I will say that this guy walks like he has a butt plug in. Did you guys notice how he's walking? Like, why? There was a lot of gay stuff in this movie. Like, they had the boss with the butt plug. They had the guys, like, fucking in the stall in the end. They had the gay brother. It's a lot. Yeah. Well, we're assuming he was gay. There were more, oh, he's definitely gay. No, that was his partner. Although his partner was about to cheat on him when he followed those two hot snowboarders.

51:56Yeah, right? No, that wasn't it. I think I thought that was two. He heard Stephen King. You missed that. He's a big Stephen King fan. Remember, he loves horror. Yes, because he's a horror person. Oh. No, I didn't get that either. How could I have missed that? It was so clear. No, here's the thing. Here's the thing. I thought what you did, because I said, is he going after those two snowboarders? But it was that he heard Stephen King's name. I thought, wow, Netflix is supporting open relationships. Good for them. No, I immediately, I had to correct that too. So she gets fired, which means she has to crawl into her old blue van.

52:35Oh boy. Like, why does she have this? One of the least believable things. How did she get this van, y 'all? It needs to be explained. Her house is like an anthropology. Her house is an anthropology. Everything she wears is a soft, you know, sweater. and yet she's driving their fashion van. Well, the van actually was really cute. I mean, I know it looked junky, but it was actually super cute for like hashtag van life because it like had a full interior of like a living big. It was big, yeah. Like she, I mean, this, and this is a problem with this character. Like she's ready to be homeless from the very beginning.

53:07She's driving around in a van life van and it's like, you need to aim higher. You know what I mean? So what, was this the van and they should have, was this the van from when they were the screaming kittens and this was their band van. Oh, maybe. I think that's the implication. That would have been really nice to hear. Yeah, that would have been nice to hear. Like if we had like Screamy Kittens kind of like on the side, but it's like all in all. So much. Can I ask you? Yeah, that's what I assume is her old band's van. But the thing is, again, her band is from like 2010 and like teenage girl bands in 2010 are not driving this van.

53:43Yeah. Well, you just need something to get your amps, et cetera, to the thing. So, I mean, I think they would drive a junkie van. So maybe that is what it is. But what about, I mean, we don't have kids, obviously, but you know people with kids. Do they keep pictures of them and their kid in their sun visor in their car? Who does that? Gross. It was, I feel like that was just a moment for her to, for us to say, I'm doing everything for my daughter. I'm living for my daughter. But it's just not good to your daughter because you use the sun visor when the sun is burning out your retinas. and then you pull down the sun visor and you're like this bitch.

54:18It's all too convenient. This is very late 90s because I remember, or even in middle school and high school, everyone, if you were dating someone in high school and you had a car, you would put a picture of you and that person in your little – this was very big in my hometown of Long Grove. Everybody would have a picture of their loved one. On the visor? Not on their visor, but on the dashboard in front of the steering wheel. It's always like on the side. Oh, yeah. I've seen that in like professionals that work. It comes where people are like, well, my kids. I don't need to know about your kids.

54:56But nobody does this anymore. Well, honestly, though, this was – the visor was about the reveal. This was about the here's me and my kid. Yeah. It does seem like this person that wrote this movie was in a Kimmy Schmidt bunker for about 15 years. and they came out and thought life hadn't changed. Because they probably wrote the script in 1999 and it's been sitting around for 25 years and they finally just threw it at Netflix. So they arrive at, I was actually very impressed by this. She arrives at her home and it's like a multifamily, like sort of apartment building kind of thing. And like, it's funny because normally in these movies, there's always someone who is poor and broke.

55:39Like, oh my God, the family business is about to fall. We don't have any money. And then they like go back to their like 1905 Victorian mansion house This This actually did feel like It did feel like, it's not government housing But it felt like she would live there It did feel like she would live there It was flop house Adjacent With nice With nice Christmas stuff outside Like condo-y, it's like sort of condo-esque But it was like It was like actually almost too realistic for these types of movies because normally they just make it seem like these beautiful towns where everyone lives in a lovely house with an angled roof and shingles and a chimney and a front porch.

56:20And I was like, no, she lives in an apartment building. And so she's walking in, and she's walking into this very gloomy hallway, scary hallway. She's basically left the set of Nomadland and now is entering into... That would have been good. If she just lived in her van, and Frances McDormand was her neighbor, and she had to pretend to be Francis. She had to pretend to be Santa so that Francis McDormand didn't freak out every Christmas because her son died. Yes. Yeah. There you go. Or she's like, I know what I'm going to do to raise the money for my daughter's snowboard camp. I'm going to sell these precious family dishes and then David Struthierne comes by and breaks all the dishes by accident.

57:00Spoiler alert. Spoiler. Sorry. Sorry, Nomadland. Nomadland cut. So, yes, she's trying to, she walks through and she creaks, she steps on and there's a creak and then we meet Dora Lee. Now, when she said her name was Dora Lee, I immediately resisted her because that is the name of Dolly Parton's character in 9 to 5. And so my first thought was, how dare you? How dare you? How dare you? How is this not Dolly Parton? Like, you can't just call somebody Dora Lee in a movie and be okay with that. So it took me a minute for it to be won over, even though it was that actress and I loved that actress. I feel like if you call someone Dora Lee, you are immediately telling them, I think this was a misnomer.

57:47I think you're immediately telling us that this person is stupid or this person is... Well, because that was Dolly Parton's, she was backwoods and they think they considered her dumb and she wasn't. She had to go above her name and there are, so they're already saddling Dora Lee as this. And she's so much more. I don't think they were thinking about that. They were though. Because this was gays, wasn't it? This was like gay guys were in. Your character names are really important. They are. There were too many references to beards in this movie that I was like, this has to be written by a gay man.

58:25Yeah, this was a gay man. Especially there's like a there's a lot of room saying this is gays. So she comes out and she's basically like, you're late with rent again. And she's annoyed and she's like, this fucking twit here thinks I don't know about her stupid band. I know she's got money. I know she's getting residuals. Her band. Her teenage band. Her teenage local band from 97 years ago. They released an album. They have a vinyl. One album. I had to put a new carburetor in my van and Zoe wants a new snowboard for Christmas. Like, that's an excuse. But I really felt for Kaylee or whatever the girl's name is.

59:08Zoe. Zoe. No, the mom. Of course it is. Oh, Taylor. I felt for Taylor because I used to live in – when I lived in West Hollywood, my landlord lived right upstairs from me. And that is so fucking annoying. And she had a window that she could see me come out of my apartment. It's like an outdoor building. And so she would always be like, oh, honey, could you maybe be a little quieter down there during the – It's like you always had to hear her shit. And so I felt for her for having her landlord be right there up in her business. I don't need that. Yeah. Could I also say that maybe that we, this is a real trope of the landlord being a bad person of the landlord saying, you know, you're, you're late on the rent again.

59:49This is four months. Maybe the first time she was like, Hey Taylor, good to see you. It's the second. um it's actually the fifth and i just didn't get the check yet it's great you know i zoe's looking really really fun that is that's one of those things you say as you age because you start siding with the people that are supposed to be the villains like you watch rent and when i went to see the movie version of rent i was like but they're not paying their rent like how are they just trying to abide by the rules of business it's not like dora leah scrooge mcduck here like swimming around the pools of gold.

1:00:30She's living the same place. She also needs to pay for her shit. She could have evicted your ass a long time ago. This isn't California. You don't have squatting rights. And by the second time, she's like, Doralee's like, Taylor, you know, I know money's tight, but just maybe by the sixth or seventh, the check. The third month, she's like, Taylor, I know you've been avoiding me, just give me the money. And now this time it's like, I need the money. Which makes sense by the fourth time. Yeah, it does. I love a villain that makes sense. you know, because I'm kind of rooting against the girl. I'm like, where's your cookie?

1:01:01She's the most well-drawn character in the entire piece. They should have had an eviction notice on the door that said be out in two weeks. That would have also raised the stakes of this movie. Reality gaze and watch what crap in size with landlords. Put it out there. We love landlords. All right, everybody. That was the first part of our marathon. So buckle up. We've got more coming to you. So be sure to check out the next episode. and we will talk to you later. Watch what Crappins would like to thank its premium sponsors. Ain't no thing like Alison King. It's always a party on Alison Block. Our way is the Amber way.

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